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Despite the exhaustion, Essek can perceive the familiar signs of a nightmare from the man in his arms. They collapsed after making sure that Veth and baby Bren were alright. The name came as a shock to both of them, and Caleb looked as adoring, as terrified. Everyone broke off soon after, and the adrenaline wore off long before that. Essek cradled Caleb's head at his chest after the man fell asleep as soon as he hit the bed.
Now, Caleb is mumbling in Zemnian, forehead sweaty and body twitching. "Wake up, my love." Essek softly asks of him, rubbing his back firmly in an attempt to gently rouse him. It works most of the time, but after what happened earlier, it doesn't surprise Essek when Caleb startles and tries to jump into action when regaining consciousness. "You're safe, dear. Just a dream." Essek rushes to calm him down, but give him space to pull back, to take in his surroundings. Dark as it may be, the familiarity of the bedroom and Essek's face puts him at ease within seconds.
"Es tut mir leid." Caleb mumbles and tries to pace his breathing. Essek simply caresses his arm to soothe him while he recovers. "I don't think I can sleep anymore." They haven't talked about what happened inside the Funball, and Essek doesn't think asking now is a good time either.
"We could camp out in the garden, under the dome." It's not the first time they've done this. Since doubling the wards around the whole perimeter of the property, they've indulged every now and again; when they needed it most. They still take the precaution of the dome, even if they probably don't need to.
It reminds Caleb of his youth, and Essek of home. Not that he misses Rosohna terribly, but the stargazing just puts him at ease, perhaps because he's taken it for granted for a century. And in some stupidly human way, it makes him feel less lonely.
"Aren't you tired, Schatz?" Caleb sounds tired too, but Essek knows he's had trouble sleeping even on better days. All Essek can do is smile and cup Caleb's cheek.
"I got most of the exhaustion out of my system." It's not exactly a lie, he may not have his magical reserves yet, but he can think properly again; emotions are still running a little rampant, but that doesn't matter. "Should we take anything with us or perhaps…just some of the cats?"
There's a flicker of something in Caleb's face at the mention of the cats, but it passes quickly and then he nods. None of their very well cared for strays were in their bedroom when they teleported back. They usually welcome only the most cuddly and behaved cats to accompany them to sleep; when they're sure they are only going to sleep. Otherwise, they give enough attention to them during the day, and Essek sometimes leaves bed early and is greeted by them as soon as he exits the room.
This time, it's quite similar. After the both of them put on some robes to combat the cooler night air outside, pattering approaches as soon as they open the door. Caleb could tell what the time is, but Essek doesn't want to ask more of him, even if it is as simple as breathing for him; or should be, in a good mental state.
"Krümel, don't jump in front of our feet this time." Caleb lightly scolds one of the youngest cats they currently look after. Sometimes, new additions don't get along well, with the other cats or their lifestyle, and they have to find a better home for them. They've been hoping Krümel will adapt better as he grows.
Maybe it's Caleb's tired tone of voice, or his steps aren't as rushed as usual, but the cat manages to stay out of the way while still following them around, excited to see where they go. He has too much energy for the two of them to be able to match right now though. Essek looks around the main room after they descent the stairs, which thankfully also makes Krümel lag behind; He still catches up eventually, even if the stairs are almost too tall for him to climb. He is an overachiever, they will give him that.
"Anke, Ssussun." Essek calls for them and is quite proud to know that two of the cats he's named actually respond to their names. Ssussun is up by the bookshelf, cuddled up in a blanket they leave out for the cats. The golden yellow fur shines beautifully in the moon light coming in through the windows. Which reminds Essek "Where is Mond?"
Caleb huffs, and smiles, for what feels like the first time. He goes around the kitchen and chuckles deeply as he finds the white-silver old cat curled up on the oven. It hadn't been lit in a couple of days, but the cat always goes there hoping for it to be warm. Anke circles around their legs in turns as they look around at their home like it's been years since they've lived in it. The fear of demise always makes them appreciate it more, this corner of quiet and peace, they get to enjoy; even when they don't feel they deserve it.
Wordlessly, Essek takes Caleb's hand in his and guides him out the back door. The cats they need right now follow, even if Essek has to carefully close the door behind them so that others do not. He never expected a lonely little meow to have such an effect on him. Still, he can't give in and let them join, not tonight, not after what happened—most of which he doesn't even exactly know about.
"Where would you like to set up the dome, my love?" Essek asks when Caleb simply stands in the middle of their garden, looking at the green beans, as he often does. It takes Essek placing his hand on his shoulder to pull Caleb out of his own mind, but he doesn't look as sad as other times; just tired. In lieu of answering, Caleb sighs and sits down, clutching Mond to his chest and burying his face in the fur for a moment. Essek hums and smiles a little painfully before focusing on the casting.
That usually takes his mind off things, but despite having the reserves necessary for casting, after half a minute, the crystal bead falls to the ground as his hands shake and the spell dissipates. Panic grips Essek while his mind tries to make sense of it. If it is not his body's inability, it is his mind's, his heart's. He is afraid to cast.
He isn't sure when Caleb got up, but his hands brace against Essek and—Oh, his knees are cold from the ground and grass tickles his ankles. "Breathe, dear. I have you." Caleb's words are a distant sound. When did his heart start beating so fast he can hear it? Essek tries, he really does, but it takes far too long to realize that he is crying and clutching onto Caleb. It's like he's died in front of him all over again, only Essek had to wait for hours to find of whether that were true or not. And there was nothing he could do about it.
"Why did you push me away? Why!?" Essek quietly sobs and weakly punches Caleb's chest. He is too exhausted for this, but his ability to suppress his emotions only works for so long after he's stopped wanting to hide from Caleb. He hasn't been the Shadowhand for a long enough time that it shows. "If I'd lost you—" Essek hiccups and Caleb scoops him up in his arms properly. It's far too easy and he hates it. He hates feeling weak. He is the most powerful dunamancer and it did fuck all to help the man he loves.
"I'm sorry." Caleb's words reverberate through his chest and into Essek's heaving one. It hurts to know that he really means it, that it's both of their faults and none of their faults at the same time. "I've cause so much grief to so many people. I was being selfish. I didn't want to do it again. I didn't want it to be you."
Essek shakes his head, again and again until Caleb shushes him and starts petting his hair as he would a cat. They still cling to each other, and Essek realizes at some point that the cats have been trying to comfort him as well. He kicks himself knowing that Caleb must have gone through a nightmare, yet, here he is, crying in his arms instead of it being the other way around. When was the last time this happened? Essek isn't sure, but he doesn't linger on that train of thought, instead, pulling back as soon as he can to find Caleb's eyes.
They are red rimmed and swollen, but there is no sign of tears. Essek supposes Caleb's body may be too exhausted for that. He seemed injured when they'd returned. "I shouldn't have—"
"You have every right to be upset." Caleb cuts him off, even if his voice is soft, like he is asking for forgiveness. Essek shakes his head and tilts his head forward until their foreheads touch. It makes Caleb inhale a little shakily, betraying he is just as overwhelmed in this moment as Essek is. "The yellow, staticy energy, this entity…attached itself to me. I get the sense that my memories were supposed to be used against me, but I had pieces of the good sprinkled into the bad. I remember most of it as if it is a dream. A nightmare, because I wasn't—in control of it. But the Nein kept looking for pieces of the real me, even if I was acting like an Arschloch. And I fell, but they had me, and the entity was gone when I came to…Veth was in a bad way, and now here we are."
Essek is quiet throughout the explanation, knowing not to interrupt Caleb. If there is more that happened, but Caleb does not want to share it, Essek will not demand it of him. They've learned not to keep secrets from each other, but some things are just too heavy to relieve so quickly. Essek understands and decides to refrain from asking specifics just to quell his own sense of inadequacy.
After a deep inhale and a forceful exhale, Essek presses his lisp to Caleb's. It's a bit of a mess, with cooling wetness still all over his face and shaky hands tangling in Caleb's hair, but they need this. He needs this, to feel Caleb is here, safe, loved. The kiss is deep, but not rushed, and Caleb seems to grow lax under its guidance. Essek's chest burns with satisfaction at the tactile input and, slowly, he comes back to a baseline himself. Their closeness melts into short, sweet pecks and lazy caresses until they are holding each other again.
It may be another half an hour until they pull back and Caleb doesn't ask before placing Mond in Essek's lap and starting to cast the dome himself. He looks more steady and present. Essek wrangles the cats around him with attention and pets so Caleb can work without interruption. And after the dome is complete, Caleb returns the crystal he plucked from the grass to Essek. It was Caleb's to begin with, but Essek has many pieces of Caleb that are his now.
"Come here." Essek asks of him after Caleb sits in front of him rather than beside him. Caleb crawls up to him on all fours and places his head in Essek's lap now that Mond is pressed against Essek's chest. It's not a completely unfamiliar sight or movement, but Essek's ears burn a little at the intimacy of it. Caleb doesn't have to ask for Essek to start carding his hair back and massaging his scalp.
Anke chirps softly and curls up to Caleb, wiggling her way into his arms to rub her head against Caleb's neck before settling and softly purring. In this position, Caleb can't look at the stars, but Essek does. Ssussun keeps circling around them, getting head scratches and kisses from both until he is satisfied and plops down by Essek's hip, curling up next to Caleb's hand that rest there. The whiskers tickle his slightly exposed midsection when the cat tries to coax Caleb into more attention. Caleb's touch on his skin makes him feel real, grounded, more than the slightly damp coolness coming from the grass.
"Could you adjust the temperature a little?" Essek knows that Caleb is awake, but he still talks softly. Caleb hums without having to ask which way he should go. Essek always needs everything just a little more warmer. Due to the change, it's not long before Caleb starts to shuck his robe off his shoulders without bothering to take it off fully. Essek caresses the skin there and wishes he had Caleb up here on his chest to breathe him in. Mond's fur does feel nice against his cheek though, the slight different texture reminding him of Caleb's gray hairs.
There is only the comfort of the safe quiet for a while. Truth be told, Essek isn't sure what to say. Does Caleb need reassurance or perhaps physical affection? Is Caleb stuck inside of his mind, thinking of what just transpired or of things long past? He still feels clumsy at best when it comes to comforting someone. He has the most experience with Caleb, but it never feels like he's reached for the right answer, even when it works.
"I don't regret pushing you away, but I regret putting you in a situation where you couldn't act." Caleb cuts through the idle sound of far away crickets with something that feels close to an apology again. Essek doesn't need one, and Caleb has already provided enough of them.
"I forgive you, Caleb…I probably would have done the same." Essek has to admit it. He may have taken it further and damned himself just so that he wouldn't hurt the only people he holds dear.
It's another handful of minutes before Caleb nods and clears his throat. "I realize now, the memories that got unearthed…you were in almost none of them." Essek doesn't know what to do with that information, but luckily, Caleb isn't done explaining. "It felt a little bit like being faced with possibility—everything that could have gone wrong and did. Everything that went well, but could have gone wrong. There were traumatic experiences and harmful patterns of thinking or acting born from them…and you were barely there to feed into it."
Essek takes a measured intake of air and holds it until his lungs ache before releasing it. It is true that Essek met Caleb later into his journey, and Caleb has seen more of Essek's worst than he had of Caleb's, but hearing this…
"Sometimes it's still hard to believe that despite the weight of our sins, we can do good by one another." Essek quietly admits to the spiral starting to form in his mind, trying to dismiss it before it can take hold and leech bandwidth from him for the next couple of days at the very least. "The rest of the Nein…they were there?"
Caleb gives a small hum, but nothing more for another minute. Ssussun starts licking at Caleb's fingers as if to clean him up and his tongue makes Essek's hip flinch a little. Caleb smooths out his undershirt to cover the skin properly, but doesn't move his hand away. Essek sighs contently, just in case Caleb is unsure about how much contact is desired right now. "When I met the Nein, I was still volatile. You know this already, but, ah, some of their behaviors fed into my paranoia, into my skewed view of reality…" Caleb trails off and starts lightly petting at Essek's hip, soothing both him and Ssussun who starts to purr. The tactile combination is quite pleasant. "I formed some unhealthy attachments and narratives. Sometimes, they still worm their way into my mind, even when things are good."
That is not an unfamiliar feeling, and Essek can't help but wonder. "You must have had intrusive thoughts about me too, especially when we'd just met." The certainty in his voice makes Caleb chuckle, but it is not mean in the way that would make Essek defensive.
"We were both testing boundaries back then, pushing each other, pushing the thing between us, pushing ourselves…but when push came to shove, you showed me that I was being too callous about the whole thing." Caleb sighs and noses at Essek's abdomen in a way that almost pull a gasp out of him. His self control isn't fully shattered after all, and Caleb is returning to his usual, tactile self. "I know we've talked about this before, but I think it took me longer to accept that what we had was real. You didn't ask it of me, but I could tell that you were willing to take the step, despite…" Caleb shakes his head, clearly not wanting to talk about death after the day they've just had. Essek is grateful. "Even during the worst of it, you did not feed into my delusion of negativity. You would not let me be the villain of my story." Essek opens his mouth to speak, and Caleb must already know that he is going to protest and beats him to it. "Do not tell me you did it for selfish reasons."
Essek swallows his words and exhales the frustration. Caleb is right, and Essek will not dispute it despite the urge to do so. "This should make me feel better, shouldn't it?" Essek asks before he can think better of it and sucks his teeth immediately after hearing the words. "Part of me does, feel good about it, but part of me is simply…grieving." Essek doesn't need to explain it. Caleb understands it too. He's seen it in Caleb's eyes every time he's come home after a period of time spent on the run. It's a price to pay for loving someone.
"I know, Liebling…I'm sorry." Caleb quietly offers his sympathy and sits up. The cats make a fuss about it, all but Mond who is undisturbed and fast asleep. It's not a surprise to Essek that words can't really help them in this moment. And when Caleb presses their foreheads together, Essek feels whole. They breathe in the same air and hold onto each other, and for that moment in time, nothing is amiss.
Essek offers a small smile after Caleb pulls back. "It's alright." He exhales as he pulls Caleb closer. "It's worth it." He whispers against Caleb's lips before guiding him into a tender kiss. It's been a little while since they've been faced with their own mortalities and shared a moment like this. The wound will heal, as all others, as much as it can, and they will move forward. They have each other, so they'll manage. "I love you." Essek feels his chest rattle with the words, voice breaking slightly towards the end. It doesn't matter how many times they say it, sometimes it feels like his heart will collapse on itself if he doesn't make Caleb feel this immeasurable thing.
One droplet falls from Caleb's eyes to Essek's cheek as he smiles, obviously aching in a similar manner. "I love you too." Caleb doesn't apologize, although it sounds awfully close to it again. And Essek doesn't regret waking and moving Mond so that Caleb can rest on his chest instead. It's a familiar embrace, resting on familiar ground, listening to familiar breathing that eventually evens out.
"We're spending the next few days together. You are not to go out of my sight." Essek tiredly commands, but he knows Caleb can tell that he isn't exactly serious. It's worth it when he feels Caleb's cheek scrunch up with a smile against him.
"If you don't mind me checking on Veth and the baby once a day." Caleb sounds playful. Essek thinks he might mean it, and he can't exactly protest.
Essek hums and noses at Caleb's hair, finally feeling the familiar musk and just a little lavender from his earlier casting of Prestidigitation. "Since we're in the garden already, want to tend to it early in the morning?" His proposition is met with a small nod and a kiss on his hand that Caleb holds in his. "You should rest more." Essek is simply pointing it out, knowing that it is not that simple.
"I'll try. Your heart beat might lull me to sleep eventually." Caleb sighs and the silence feels more comforting now. There is little else to say, although they can find many things to talk about. Right now, sitting here like this matters more than anything else.