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It’s been a long road for Michael Kaiser, Bastard München’s forward and member of the New Generation Eleven. It seems as though the eyes of the world are watching his every movement. But it doesn’t look as though it bothers him as much as it should— Kaiser appears to be enjoying the attention, and the drive it inspires in him.
We find Kaiser in the depths of vigorous midday exercise. He is making impressive use of the training equipment provided by the management. It’s a wonder we were able to get him to set aside the dumbbells for one rapid-fire interview. He is charming, and sharply assertive. We tread carefully as we approach him with the burning queries of fans everywhere.
Mr. Kaiser, it’s an honour to catch you on one of your days off! Tell us, what is that you do besides training whenever you catch a break?
A break? Why the hell would I be thinking about breaks, when I’ve got the World Cup coming up? I’ve got to destroy Yo— anyway. A loser would think about breaks, that sounds about right.
….Right. Now, to those of us who want to know— Mr. Kaiser, what are your biggest regrets?
Nothing. Put it this way— you’re a subhuman reporter chasing after athletes so that you can get your name out there. You’re a nobody, so you’re vulnerable to failure. You couldn’t catch the big-names, so now you’re hovering over me like a mosquito. Me? I was bound for greatness from the start. I never had to try. I had teams begging to sign me on day one. So what’s there for me to regret?
There’s nothing in your life that you’d wish to change?
Shit, even if there were, it’s not like I can turn back the clock, can I? My old man’s a gambling bottle-hugger, I grew up poor as fuck, and sometimes I get antsy checking my back account— but all I see are rows of figures these days. I’m doing fucking fantastic. Why the hell should I look back when things are so much fucking better than they used to be?
An interesting outlook. Next: What was it that drew you into the world of football in the first place?
Let’s see…. It all started when Daddy Dearest took me to see a match at—— is that what you want me to fucking say? I’m gonna be clear, I don’t have a namby-pamby backstory like that going on. When I was a kid I kicked a ball just for something to do. Never had much else in my life. I was bored and this crazy sport came to me like some kind of answer. I play football ‘cuz it’s convenient. It gets my blood pumping. I get to feel alive. It’s what I want. So I’ll take it, and whatever else it brings me. I deserve it all. The adrenaline, the trophies, the fame, all of it.
Really? You won’t leave room for someone else?
Like who?
Well, it seems ike there’s plenty of talk in the football community to do with your rivalry with Japanese striker Isagi Yoichi. What do you have to say on that?
Shitting hell, these fucking mosquitos…. Well, what the fuck about it? Who gives a shit? I don’t. I’ve crushed that little sprouthead more times than I can count. So he managed to pull a fast one on me one that time— so fucking what? I’m not mad about it. Think I’m holding a grudge? I’m not. I’ve totally forgotten about him until you brought him up. I’m just focused on the World Cup and absolutely wiping the fucking floor with it. No way there’s any good competition out there. Not like Yoichi.
Wait a sec. He isn’t getting an interview like this, is he?
No, this month’s issue is centred on the New Generation players, including you. Isagi Yoichi doesn’t qualify, unfortunately.
Good, good…. Not that I care.
While we’re on the topic of rumours, there has supposedly been some speculation amongst recruiters to do with a certain “arrogant” personality…. Mr. Kaiser, would you say you have an ego?
Oh, I’m arrogant, am I? Sure, if I didn’t have the skill to back up my words. And I’m telling you now that there’s no one better.
…. So you are arrogant.
What? I’m definitely not a liar. The fact that you’re here proves I’m great. And what’s this about ego? I’m sick of hearing about that. Those Blue Lock freaks kept going on and on about it.
How would you define it, then?
Something like confidence, or whatever. It’s about knowing what you want, and knowing that you deserve it.
Which brings us back to your earlier comment. Mr. Kaiser, do you truly believe that you deserve success in the World Cup?
I deserve success in everything. I play to win. Not to “have fun,” or something equally fucking stupid. I won’t do anything half-assed. So I won’t expect anything less than Number One, either.
What kind of impact do you want to have on the football world?
More of the same. That is, total fucking domination. It isn’t enough to just win a match. I’m gonna need my opponents to fucking keel over. That’s the least that’s gonna satisfy me.
Do you think you’ve achieved this in part already?
Sure. What’s left but to bring the Cup home, hm?
What other goals do you have in mind?
…. Well. I haven’t thought about it. No, I have. If I climb over one hurdle I can easily climb over another. I’ll go for the next big thing. And the next. And the next.
Fuck, how long is this interview gonna go on for? I’m getting a stiff in my fucking neck.
Last question, then. It’s been great! What words of encouragement do you have to spare for aspiring players?
Words of encouragement? Jesus. What do they need encouragement for? They either got it already or they don’t. If they’re doubting themselves, then there’s a McDonald’s hiring just ‘round the corner. I haven’t got the energy to waste on lackeys.
With that, the interview concludes. But there is still plenty to know about Michael Kaiser. If there is anything you are deeply curious about, ask away here on @ask-michael-kaiser!