Work Text:
The disaster began at 7:42 a.m.
Shikamaru was halfway through his coffee when an administrative clerk burst into his office.
“We have a problem.”
“Scale of one to Naruto?”
“…Naruto.”
Shikamaru slowly set down his coffee.
That was never a good answer.
⸻
The clerk dropped a stack of forms onto his desk.
Shikamaru frowned.
Emergency Contact Information (Updated)
Haruno Sakura — Uzumaki Naruto
Nara Shikamaru — Uzumaki Naruto
Hatake Kakashi — Uzumaki Naruto
Sabaku no Gaara — Uzumaki Naruto
Municipal Vending Machine #12 — Uzumaki Naruto
…
“…What?”
⸻
Thirty minutes later, the Hokage’s office looked like someone had declared war on paperwork.
Tsunade stared at the mountain of forms.
“Why,” she asked with terrifying calm, “is Naruto the emergency contact for a vending machine?”
The poor clerk swallowed.
“The maintenance department says… he fixed it during a blackout.”
“That explains nothing.”
“They also said the machine… trusts him.”
Silence.
Tsunade uncorked a bottle of sake.
It wasn’t even eight-thirty.
⸻
Naruto arrived ten minutes later.
Carrying ramen.
For everyone.
As if he’d sensed the building was under emotional distress.
“Morning!”
Nobody answered.
Naruto blinked.
“…Did somebody die?”
“No,” Tsunade replied.
“But several people are considering it.”
⸻
Naruto scratched his head.
“Okay…”
Tsunade slapped the paperwork onto the desk.
“Care to explain why you’re the emergency contact for half the village?”
Naruto glanced at the forms.
“Oh.”
Another pause.
“I forgot about those.”
“You FORGOT?”
“I mean… people asked.”
“And?”
“So I said yes.”
“To everyone?”
Naruto looked confused.
“It would’ve been rude to say no.”
⸻
Shikamaru leaned forward.
“Naruto.”
“Yeah?”
“Why am I listed as your emergency contact too?”
Naruto answered without hesitation.
“Because you always answer your phone.”
Shikamaru opened his mouth.
Closed it.
Opened it again.
“…Fair.”
⸻
The investigation only got worse.
Sakura had listed Naruto because—
“He once carried me to the hospital while arguing with the receptionist until they admitted me faster.”
Kakashi had listed Naruto because—
“He keeps showing up before anyone calls him.”
Gaara had listed Naruto because—
“I trust him.”
Nobody questioned Gaara.
They weren’t that brave.
⸻
The retired ANBU?
“He remembered all our birthdays.”
The foreign ambassadors?
“He sent soup when we caught the flu.”
The florist?
“He waters my flowers when I’m sick.”
The old ramen chef?
“He refuses to let me lift heavy pots.”
The elderly pigeon feeder?
“He built me a bench.”
Every single answer was somehow worse than the last.
⸻
Then Sasuke walked in.
He looked around the room.
Looked at Naruto.
Looked at the paperwork.
Then sighed.
“You let the florist list you.”
Naruto smiled.
“She looked worried.”
“And Teuchi.”
“Well, yeah.”
“And Ayame.”
“Obviously.”
“And the old man in the park.”
“He’s eighty.”
“And…”
Sasuke flipped another page.
“…a stray dog.”
Naruto coughed.
“Technically Akamaru signed that one.”
From somewhere outside—
“KIBA, YOUR DOG FORGED PAPERWORK!”
“I DIDN’T TEACH HIM THAT!”
Akamaru barked.
Nobody believed him.
⸻
Tsunade stood.
“Naruto!”
“Yeah?”
“You cannot be everyone’s emergency contact!”
“Why not?”
“Because that’s impossible!”
Naruto frowned thoughtfully.
“I mean…”
He counted on his fingers.
“I’ve still got room.”
⸻
Sakura buried her face in her hands.
Shikamaru contemplated retirement.
Kakashi quietly wondered if becoming a missing-nin was still an option.
⸻
Finally Sakura pointed at Sasuke.
“You!”
Sasuke looked at her.
“How are you okay with this?!”
He glanced toward Naruto, who was currently apologizing to the vending machine maintenance worker for worrying everyone.
Then back at Sakura.
“…This is a quiet week.”
The room froze.
“A QUIET WEEK?”
Sasuke nodded.
“Last month he accidentally became the emergency contact for an entire daycare.”
“…How?”
“He fixed a broken swing.”
“…”
“…That doesn’t explain anything.”
“I know.”
⸻
Naruto wandered back over.
“Good news!”
“There is no good news,” Tsunade said.
“The vending machine works again.”
Nobody had realized it was broken.
⸻
Naruto beamed.
“It gave me a free soda.”
The maintenance worker whispered,
“It only does that for him…”
⸻
The office fell silent.
Not because of the vending machine.
Because everyone suddenly realized something.
Naruto had never asked anyone to depend on him.
People simply…
did.
Because he always answered.
Always showed up.
Always stayed.
⸻
Tsunade looked at Sasuke.
“You’ve known this all along.”
“Mmn.”
“And you never said anything?”
“You never asked.”
⸻
Sakura folded her arms.
“So explain him.”
Sasuke looked at Naruto.
Really looked at him.
Naruto was laughing with the maintenance worker now.
Completely oblivious to the chaos he’d caused.
Again.
A tiny smile tugged at Sasuke’s lips.
“He’s an idiot.”
“HEY!”
“A compassionate idiot.”
“That’s better.”
“A reckless idiot.”
“Rude.”
“A loud idiot.”
“SASUKE!”
“And…”
He stepped closer.
“…my idiot.”
The room went silent.
Naruto’s ears turned bright red.
“S-Sasuke…”
Sasuke reached up and straightened Naruto’s crooked Hokage hat.
His voice softened.
“Everyone sees the paperwork.”
“They don’t see the person who never says no when someone needs help.”
“They don’t see the boy who spent his childhood alone and decided no one else should feel that way.”
Naruto stared.
Speechless.
Which was so rare that Kakashi nearly checked for a fever.
Sasuke smiled—a real one.
Small.
Private.
Reserved only for Naruto.
“If the entire village wants you as their emergency contact…”
He gently took Naruto’s hand.
“…Then I’ll always be yours.”
Naruto didn’t think.
He never did.
He grabbed Sasuke by the front of his cloak and kissed him.
Right there.
In the middle of the Hokage’s office.
The clipboard in the maintenance worker’s hands hit the floor.
Sakura screamed.
Kakashi calmly pulled out his book.
“I’ve waited fifteen years for this.”
Shikamaru sighed.
“What a drag.”
Tsunade smiled into her sake.
“About damn time.”
Outside the office…
The vending machine dispensed another free can of soda.
Nobody questioned it.
Not anymore.
They simply accepted that, somehow…
Even the vending machine had chosen Naruto.