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Oscar didn’t always feel this way. He once had big dreams, thoughts of a future.
He knew he wanted to make some sort of an impact. He wanted to be remembered, loved.
He wasn’t sure when that changed.
Dreams became fantasy, than pathetic little hopes. He stopped believing that he would even make it anywhere.
Maybe if he just stopped thinking, he wouldn’t have to be here anymore.
He started staying up late because falling asleep meant the morning would come faster. Sleeping in because waking up meant everything would feel real. Be real.
He couldn’t stop the silent tears that would drip down his face. Red blotches felt like tattoos carved into his skin from wear.
He didn’t feel human anymore. Didn’t feel like a real person. Felt that maybe if he searched he would find a power off button and it would all feel over.
He would stand next to busy roads close enough, so if a driver veered off the road it would be the last thing he saw.
He knew he wasn’t okay. But he didn’t feel broken. Oscar held this as a sign that he was dramatic. It would pass. He is just being some whiny bitch about it all. Everyone feels like this. It will pass. It always does.
It didn’t pass.
Instead it loomed over him like an unwanted umbrella. Shielding him from the warmth and happiness he longed of.
He didn’t wish to die necessarily. He just wanted to be different. Put together. So he wouldn’t have to look down at his hands and wonder if they are still there. Worried that the numbness that plagued his body had gone too far.
He just wanted to be happy.
. . .
He didn’t wake up with a jolt- instead a gentle easing. He didn’t remember falling asleep. He didn’t remember coming back to… his room? How did he get here? Wasn’t he at the-
Oh.
The roof. His mind cleared instantly. The roof. Last night he presumed as he was still wearing clothes. Did Lando- was Lando-?
He didn’t-
A soft knock echoed quietly across his room. The door creaked open, Lando’s dark curls poked through the door.
``You awake?`` Lando whispered.
``Mmm,`` Oscar mumbled. He didn’t feel like using his voice. He didn’t… trust it.
``…I see.`` Lando smiled, ``Do you want breakfast?``
. . .
Oscar sat at the table silently. He swung his legs impatiently. He wasn’t sure what he was waiting for… he guessed it was more what he wasn’t waiting for. What he didn’t want to happen.
``Are you going to eat something or…`` Lando pressed, leaning over to the Aussie, ``C’mon Osc-``
``Lando.`` Oscar breathed, not daring to look at the older.
``Mm?`` Lando hummed,
``A-are we just going to ignore what… what happened yesterday?``
Lando paused. He knew Oscar was going to bring this up, ``I-I thought you needed some more time… or something..``
``I-``
``I know it’s not right- I just- you looked so- so broken Oscar- you looked- I can’t- I can’t see you like that again.. I thought maybe you needed some- time? I’m sorry- so sorry and I- I don’t know how to- to help-``Lando broke off into a harsh sob, his shoulder shaking with tremors.
``Hey, hey..`` Oscsr said, rubbing circles into Lando’s back,
``No- no- I should be comforting you- no- Oscar stop-``
``Shhh…``
``Why are you so fucking good at this you bitch..`` Lando groaned, wiping the tears away from his eyes.
Oscar rested his head on the Brit’s shoulder, ``I’m sorry for… everything. I’m sorry if I’m too much… I just am.. scared I guess… I don’t know what to do anymore..`` His voice became muffled as he pressed deeper, now shifting into the crook of Lando’s neck.
``Oh you don’t have to apologize..`` Lando whispered, raking his hand through the brunette’s hair.
Oscar let out a shaky laugh, but there was no humor in it. ``Lando I tried to kill myself. I- .. I…``
``Did you want to?``
``What-?``
Lando turned his head to face Oscar’s, his eyes squinting with curiosity and worry, ``Did you want to?``
``…I… don’t know..`` Oscar whispered, ``I don’t know..``
``Hey it’s okay, you don’t have to know,``
``I am just so.. tired… I don’t know if I want to die or not.. I was-am just so.. done.``
``…``
``Lando- I don’t know how to live.``
. . .
``D-don’t worry, we’ll figure it out together.``
That’s what Lando said after. Sure they were doing things together- helping around the house, doing errands- but they weren’t figuring it out.
Instead it felt like they were trying to hide it.
Lando didn’t want Oscar to hurt- but he couldn’t just let him act like it never happened.
He was shutting that night out, and in the process he was shutting everything out. It wasn’t right- Lando knew it wasn’t but he didn’t know how to help. Lando didn’t know what to do.
``Lando- you good?`` Oscar asked suddenly,
``…Oscar, I want you to go to therapy.``
. . .
Oscar brain buffered. Therapy? Why- What- No- No.
No therapy- NO therapy. He couldn’t- he couldn’t just go to therapy- Lando was joking- he .. he had to be.
``Wh- What?`` Oscar laughed,
``Oscar I am serious. I think you should go to therapy,``Lando replied, his face hardening.
``What- No!``
``Oscar-``
``I won’t go- I refuse- I’m fine Lando- Can’t you see?!`` Oscar felt tears took his eyes,
``Ignoring it doesn’t mean ‘fine’! You need to talk to someone! And if isn’t going to be me- than a therapist-!``
``I can’t- I just can’t Lando- everything is okay- why would I-``
``Nothing is okay! You need help- professional help!``
``No- No! Lando I said no!``
``Oscar just listen to me-``
``I don’t-``
``I don’t want to lose you-``
``Lando stop- I-``
``Please Oscar-``
``I don’t want to fight..`` Oscar whispered, squeezing his eyes closed.
``Oh Osc- I’m sorry- I don’t- don’t want to fight either-`` Lando’s walked forward, wrapping his arms around the Aussie,
`` ‘m scared..`` Oscar admitted, tears rolling down his cheeks in ugly sobs,
``We’ll do it together- properly.``
``…promise?``
``Promise.``
. . .
( - )
Direct message from Kim Keedle
Kim: I am always here if you need to talk
I am sorry about what happened
I understand if you don’t want to talk about it or talk to me right now.
I’m sorry
I still care about you.
( - )
Oscar stared down at his phone blankly. He felt… regret.. about want he said. It was stupid outburst.
He was tempted to text Kim back, to tell him everything was okay and not to worry.
But he didn’t bring himself to respond.
. . .
( : )
Direct message from Jon Malvern
Jon: Is Oscar okay?
Kim is worried sick
( : )
Lando felt the vibration from his back pocket. He fished his phone out and read the message.
Lando sighed. Oscar was… well.. alive? Would that count as okay?
( : )
Direct message from Lando Norris
Lando: he is doing better
Not great- but isn’t doing the worst?
Idk he needs
Time
I guess
Jon: okay
( : )
. . .
Jon had watched Lando run out. He had looked at the broken, tired look in Kim’s eyes.
He couldn’t just- leave him there. Despite better judgement he helped Kim up and dragged him to his car. Jon could get Kim’s car later. That didn’t matter.
Kim didn’t say anything on the drive back which disturbed him. Usually when the two would talk Kim would be animated- but now? It felt like talking to a ghost of someone he once knew.
Jon unlocked his door, fumbling with his keys.
His hands shook uncontrollably as he poured Kim and himself tea.
Kim didn’t even glance at the cup.
He looked empty.
. . .
``Do we have to?`` Oscar whispered, swallowing quietly.
``Hey- it’ll be okay. Deep breathes Oscar.``
They walked up to the desk of the therapy office. Lando did the talking, and Oscar mostly zones it out.
He didn’t want to be here.
``You ready?`` Lando asks softly,
``C-can you come with me?``
``Of course.``
. . .
``Lando said he was… fine-okay.`` Jon quickly corrected himself,
``Yeah- I just- guess I worry too much. I just… hope he’s okay.`` Kim sighed, tilting his head back.
They fell into an uncomfortable silence for a moment.
``…Kim?`` Jon finally asked
``Mm… yeah?`` Kim responded without looking at Jon.
``Are- …Are you okay?``
``Yeah? Why?``
``Kim. Don’t you fucking lie to me.``
``Jon- drop it.``
``No. Kim I’m your- ..your- friend. And I care about you. I know you are about Oscar- and I know he needs help. But you can’t just be ignoring your needs.``
``J-``
``I see you tearing yourself apart every fucking day- but you don’t think about yourself. Kim- I know you want to help him- but how can you help him if you can’t help yourself?``
``…I’m sorry,``
. . .
``…I’m sorry,``
Kim didn’t know what to do.
He felt… lost.
``Kim- just come here.`` Jon said, his face softening. He pulled the other man into an embrace.
Kim buried his head into Jon’s shoulder and let out a shaky breath.
. . .
``How did you like it?`` Lando asked once they got back to Oscar’s room.
``Mm.. wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.`` Oscar admitted,
``I-I’m really sorry.`` Lando blurted out suddenly,
``…What for?``
``I know I probably crossed bout boundaries- and pushed too hard- and made you uncomfortable- I know I shouldn’t have done that- and you probably hate me for that- and-`` Lando sobbed, taking a small step away from Oscar,
``Lando wait.`` Oscar interrupted, ``Don’t apologize- you…you did the right thing. I would never hate you,``
``Really?`` Lando hiccuped.
Oscar felt more free than he had felt for weeks. His mind which was once plagued with fog and shackles cleared. He felt his spirit run wild.
Oscar once felt empty. He wasn’t empty because he felt sad. He wasn’t empty because he wanted it to be quiet. He felt empty because he had nothing to fill his heart.
Oscar was living his life with a lock. Living it with a blindfold.
Life is short.
It comes to an end.
But the end isn’t today.
He gained friends.
He got connections.
``Lando you saved me.``
. . .
( ~ )
Direct message from ?
?: you aren’t alone
You’ve never been alone.
You are loved
You are cared about
You are a real person
You have real feelings
You are valued
You are known
You are thought of
Your presence matters
You are human
You are valid
You exist
Your life is yours.
It’s always been yours.
Live it
And
Love yourself
<3
( ~ )