Chapter Text
As soon as he woke up that morning, Denki knew that it wasn’t going to be a good day. He had barely slept, tossing and turning all night for no reason at all except for the fact that he just couldn’t sleep. He stayed in bed until he could hear his classmates running around getting ready for school before forcing himself up. He didn’t want to do anything today but the disadvantages of living on campus was that he couldn’t just take a day off because he was too tired.
He slowly got ready for class and slipped out the door without getting anything for breakfast. If he was going to be honest with himself, he didn’t think he’d be able to stomach anything with the anxiety curling up inside his gut.
Something was wrong, but he didn’t know what.
Eventually he made it to class, with a few minutes to spare before the class actually began, and he took this time to rest his head in his arms and close his eyes. But to his luck, class started after what only felt like seconds and Aizawa announced that they would be receiving their results for their latest mathematics test in homeroom rather than in class. Uh-oh, Denki thought, his heart beginning to pick up it’s pace. Although a small part of him hoped he had passed, he had a sinking feeling that he was just gaslighting himself.
As Aizawa handed him his test, Denki felt his eyes well up with tears as he blankly stared at his score.
He had failed. Again.
“Bro I actually passed this time, I got 63/100” Kirishima grinned as he held up his results for everyone to see. Bakugou just tched and mumbled “barely” as the rest of the class spoke amongst each other to discuss their scores. Denki just kept his head down, staring at the embarrassing low score of 37/100.
“Hey Denks, what did you get?” Mina asked as she tried to peer over his shoulder, but he quickly flipped over the page before she could get a clear view of his score. He blinked away the tears before grinning and turning around to address his her.
“I didn’t do so well, I was so close to passing”, he lied as Mina just smiled at him softly.
“It’s okay, I didn’t pass either, it was really hard. I’m sure we’ll do better next time!!” She said as she glanced at the others and gave them all a look, to which they all began to nod and say similar things about the difficulty of the test and that it wasn’t the end of the world. While he appreciated their kind words, he did feel as though it was the end of the world.
It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that his quirk messed up his ability to focus for prolonged periods of time and that his brain “short-circuited” and therefore made it impossible to retain information. Not to mention his memory loss that occurred due to the overuse of his quirk during training. At the end of the day, he would always have to revisit the previous content learnt as nothing he learnt during classes were retained due to the damage to the neurons in his brain and the processing of information into his long-term memory. At this point, it seemed as though that his quirk had more disadvantages than advantages.
He wasn’t blessed with a quirk that had minimal drawbacks such as Sero’s tape or Jirou’s earphone jacks, and that really frustrated him. How was he ever meant to become a hero if he was stupid? Although it was sometimes his fault that he wasn’t the smartest, playing the role of comedic relief just to feel validated, he still tried so hard to be better, but it never seemed to be enough.
He just wasn’t enough.
But before he could get too much into his head and feel sorry for himself, he heard his name being called by Shinsou. As soon as he opened his mouth and began to respond, he felt himself being pulled under by his quirk.
“Slap yourself in the face”, was all he heard before he smacked his cheek and felt his brain fog dissipate and the stinging of where he had just hit himself. He heard Mina gasp while Sero and Jirou just giggled as he felt his eyes well up with tears again.
“What was that for?!” Denki hissed, his hand rubbing his cheek. What the fuck is his problem? He thought, that was so humiliating, and for what? A laugh? But Shinsou wasn’t smiling, nor was he laughing. He was just staring at Denki with his normal blank expression.
“You think too much. Stop” Was all he replied with as he turned his attention back to the front. The fuck?
“Okay you’ve had your chance to talk” Aizawa said, calling everyone’s attention back to the front, “Now its time to focus on the rest of your day”. As Aizawa kept talking, Denki just zoned out, staring blankly at the wall. He was so tired. He was so tired of all the sleepless nights, catching up on all the content that had forgotten due to the nature of his quirk, and he was so tired of trying his hardest yet it was never quite enough.
He hadn’t even noticed that homeroom had ended and that English had begun until he heard his name being called for attendance. He saw Mic looking at him expectantly and he felt his face flush red as he responded. Half of his class had been looking at him, so he must’ve called his name a couple times before he had actually heard him. How embarrassing. He quietly sighed and rested his head onto his hand and tried to focus as much as he could but to no avail. English was his best class, yet right now he felt as though everything was underwater and muffled. He had no idea how he was going to get through the day.
The rest of the class passed by in a blur, but once the bell went, signalling the end of the class, Denki stood up. Kirishima raised an eyebrow before asking, “Hey man, where are you going?”
Denki didn’t really know so he just cocked his head and just said “bathroom” before swiftly making his way out of the room before anyone could ask any questions. He didn’t actually know where he was headed, he just needed to get out of the stuffy classroom before he lost his mind. Before he knew it, he had locked himself in one of the stalls, his brain on autopilot. At least it was quiet in here and he could calm his frantic mind, and just for a moment he wished he could just shut out his thoughts. His thoughts always tended to race and there were never-ending half-finished thoughts that bounced around in his head. Sometimes, I really hate my quirk, he internally groaned as he slid down and rested his head against the wall and brought his knees to his chest. He wasn’t sure how long he stayed in that position for, but he was jolted back to reality when he heard the bathroom door slam open.
I really need to stop zoning out, holy shit, he thought, before he began to internally panic. Oh shit. How long have I been gone for? I’m so dead-, but he was rudely interrupted when he heard Shinsou call out for him.
“Kaminari, are you in here?” Denki just blinked, weighing his options. He could either speak and get dragged back to class or he could stay silent and continue to hide away. He was fucked either way, but once again, Shinsou interrupted his thoughts. “I know you’re in here, come out before I get one of the teachers to do it.”
Denki just sighed and walked out of the stall, keeping his head down and avoiding eye contact. “What do you want?” He mumbled, leaning against the supports of the stall. Shinsou just stared at him, an unreadable expression on his face before responding.
“You’ve been gone for almost half an hour.”
What? No way was he gone for that long, usually he snaps back to reality after maybe 6-7 minutes at most. Denki’s expression must have portrayed his horror and confusion, as Shinsou just sighed and held a hand out for him to take. Denki just looked at it dumbly as Shinsou said, “Come on, I’m taking you back to the dorms. I’ll tell Aizawa what’s wrong and he’ll excuse you from class today”, to which Denki just nodded and took Shinsou’s hand.
He had already been so out of it today, so Shinsou being so nice to him was making everything so much more confusing. He stumbled a bit as he was dragged out of the bathroom and towards the exit of the main building.
“Why are you being so nice to me?” He blurted out before he could stop himself. Shinsou had always presented himself as being reserved and driven, always keeping as many people at an arm’s length as he focused on his own ambitions, so why was he helping him?
“What, am I not allowed to?” Shinsou responded, continuing to lead Denki back towards the dorms, not even sparing a glance back at him. “You didn’t look too well this morning, and considering Mic called your name 3 times before you responded, I realised that there was probably something wrong. Then you left the room in a hurry and didn’t come back, I volunteered to go and find you”.
Denki looked down in shame. He hadn’t meant to come across as rude, he just couldn’t fathom why he is being helped. And how had Shinsou of all people noticed, but none of his friends had? “Oh” was all that he could force himself to respond with. They were both remained quiet until they reached Denki’s dorm room and only then did Denki realise that they were still holding hands. He quickly let go, his face heating up as he turned his head to side, hoping Shinsou didn't notice.
“Uh, thanks for taking me, but you should probably head back to class…” He trailed off as Shinsou shook his head in disagreement.
“Nope, I’m staying with you to make sure you’re alright. I’ve already messaged Aizawa to let him know, and he said that it was fine so whatever.” Shinsou responded with a small grin on his face. He definitely saw me go red, this is so embarrassing.
“Right” Denki stuttered as he opened the door. He quickly toed off his shoes and faceplanted onto his bed, wishing he could just disappear. He heard Shinsou settle into his desk chair and begin to type something on his phone.
No matter what Shinsou said, he was going to be in so much trouble. Not only had he failed his test, badly, he had also accidentally skipped Ectoplasm class. He really didn’t have time to stay back for detentions if he wanted to actually pass. It really wasn’t fair. It felt as though everything was always against him, despite doing nothing wrong. To put it lightly, he was stupid. He was stupid academically due to his quirk, and naturally due to being clumsy and not street smart. What use is a hero that is stupid? All he does it accidentally hurt himself and those around him when he uses his quirk. That’s not very heroic, is it? He turned over to stare at Shinsou, who was already staring back at him. He felt his face heat up again, “what do you want” He whined, muffled by the sheets he had buried his face in again.
Denki felt his bed dip as Shinsou sat beside him. “I just want to know what’s going on up there”, he said as he poked Denki in the head.
“Nothing,” he huffed before adding, “go away”.
“Yeah nah, not happening. It’s either you tell me what’s going on, or I go and get Aizawa and you can tell him. It’s your choice.” Denki just lifted his head to glare at Shinsou before muttering “I hate you” and hid his face once more.
It was a lose-lose situation, as no matter what he chose, Aizawa would be informed. Although it’s not the end of the world, he’ll know that Denki wasn’t able to stay in class as he was too upset about his grade. How embarrassing. He really does feel stupid. He rolled onto his back and turned his head away from Shinsou to face the wall before he speaks.
“I’m just tired and upset, that’s all. I just,” he took a breath and squeezed his eyes shut before continuing, “I feel so stupid all the time. I try so hard but it’s never good enough. I’m barely passing despite all of my efforts and it’s only a matter of time before I get pulled out of the course. Almost everyone passed the test that we were given back this morning, and of course I flunked it. Like really badly. Don’t even get me started on training either, I feel like I’m so far behind everyone else even though we all started at the same time. I’m not smart and I’m not cool and I’m just so tired. My feelings are always down-played as I’ve made myself to be some class clown just to feel relevant, but I still feel as though I’m getting pushed aside. I’m sorry, I probably just sound self-centred and silly and I’m going to stop talking but I just don’t know what to do.” He opened his eyes and looked at Shinsou, only to see the boy frowning at him, so he immediately looked away again. “I’m sorry.” He whispered.
Everyone who claims that it’s worse to bottle up feelings than talking them out is lying because this just made him feel even worse. He’s not to supposed to let anyone know how he’s truly feeling as he’s the one who needs to be there for everyone else, because if he’s not, who else would he even be? Stupid, he thought angrily but he snapped out of it as he felt Shinsou grab his hand again.He
“Why are you sorry?” He asked, to which Denki just shrugged in response, “There’s no reason to apologise, you’re just burnt out and tired. It’s okay, it’s natural. However,” Oh here we go, Denki thought, fighting the urge to roll his eyes, “It’s not okay that you’ve been holding this all in and pretending to be someone you’re not just to make others happy. No wonder you’re so tired all the time. I’m sure that if you tell your friends how you feel, they’ll understand and change things to be more considerate of your feelings.” Shinsou finished, trying to catch Denki’s eyes, but he purposely avoided his gaze. He wasn’t expecting that, he was expecting Shinsou to agree with him and tell him that his feelings were invalid just as everyone else does.
“And then what? I’ll just look more stupid than I usually do,” Denki sadly chuckled, “I want to be wanted. I’ll do whatever it takes. I can’t be dumb and unwanted, then I really will have lost everything. At this point, it’s easier to be relevant then pass high school. The only thing I’m good at is frying the neurons in my brain and becoming one step closer to being brain dead and being the butt of every joke about being stupid. Theres a reason why I’ve got so many insults disguised as nicknames.”
“Denki, are you okay? Have you even told Aizawa abou-“ Shinsou started before he was cut off by Denki bolting upright, a panicked expression evident on his face.
“I’ve said too much. Fuck. Get out, you need to go. Please Hitoshi.” Denki pleaded as he shuffled back against the headboard of his bed. Shinsou shook his head, but began to back away as electricity began to crackle around Denki.
“Denki, you’re panicking. You need to stop and breathe.” Shinsou said, slight panic creeping into his voice. What was he supposed to do? He didn’t have an erasure quirk and he feared that using his quirk would just make things worse.
“I know that.” Denki snapped, the tendrils of electricity snapping out further than before.
“I’ll go get Aizawa”, Shinsou muttered, just loud enough for Denki to hear as he quickly left the room. Denki just let out a frustrated yell as his heart began to race faster and his thoughts began to spiral out of control. Amid the jumble of thoughts, one word stood out above the rest; stupid.