Archive of Our Own

The streets of Seoul were just like Jisung remembered them. Crowded, bright, even at night. What made them so bright weren’t the streetlights, but the stores, the screens, the cars. It was all the same, yet so different. It was the same, but Jisung couldn’t even be sure because he hadn’t been in this city in ten years. If there had once been a convenience store at the corner of the street they just drove past, he wouldn’t remember. He simply assumed that clothing store had always been there, even ten years ago. If there used to be a food stand on the next street, he wouldn’t remember either. It had been too long for him to know exactly what was different, but not long enough for it to feel alien. Jisung watched the city lights flash by and convinced himself this was familiar, this was home.

‘This neighborhood looks cool,’ said Felix, breaking the silence, sitting right next to Jisung at the back of the taxi they had taken from the airport. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever been here.’

Jisung had been here before. Because once upon a time, Jisung had known Seoul like the back of his hand - at least that’s how it had felt despite how big a city it was. Felix was less familiar with it, but Felix had never lived here. He had only visited a couple of times because of his extended family, and, at first, that was the only thing that had brought them together. Felix knew Seoul. Felix knew about a side of Jisung he didn’t know how to share with anyone else. Felix also spoke Korean, which had been handy when Jisung first moved to England. Felix’s Korean wasn’t perfect, but he had always understood everything and always seemed to get better. Jisung’s English had also gotten better - he hadn't really been given the choice. But Jisung still spoke mostly in Korean to Felix, and Felix spoke mostly English to Jisung. It always earned them looks from strangers in the streets, but Jisung had never cared because he would take all the dirty looks over sacrificing what made him himself.

He hadn’t lived in Korea long - that was the funny part. By this point, he had lived longer in England. Still, Jisung was born here, but he did leave very quickly - the pros and cons of expat life. He didn’t choose it. His parents did. It was four years in Malaysia, it was two years in Singapore, it was three years in Japan, and it was six years in South Korea because the kids needed stability for high school to get the best grades possible and get into the best colleges. The whole world was his oyster, except Seoul, because staying in Seoul wasn’t an option. The good colleges were in the United States or in the UK, even France or Switzerland. Staying in Seoul was in his parents’ plans. So Cambridge it was. 

Jisung’s big change had felt small next to Felix, who had left everything behind in Australia, didn’t know anyone, and had never lived anywhere other than Sydney. Felix saw everything as a big adventure, he found beauty in everything, and it helped Jisung when he felt stuck in a life he didn’t want. Felix often asked him what life he did want, but Jisung didn’t know the answer to that, so he kept going down the path in front of him, hoping it would lead him somewhere where he would be able to find some joy.

‘Are we meeting your friends tonight or tomorrow?’ asked Felix.

‘Tomorrow,’ mumbled Jisung. ‘I want to rest in the hotel.’

Felix nodded. ‘Works for me.’

Cambridge didn’t lead him back to Seoul, nor did his office job in London. His class reunion did. Ten years after their graduation, Jisung still barely felt like an adult. Felix tagged along because he hadn’t seen his family in a long time, and because he wanted to see Seoul through Jisung’s eyes. Jisung didn’t think he would like what he saw.

* * *

Jisung stood still nervously between his classmates. He put on his best smile, rather tried to, and waited for the picture to be taken while everyone around him struck different poses. Jisung would noticeably look the same in every single one of the pictures, with a big smile and a peace sign with his right hand, but it was okay because he wasn’t in the front, and people wouldn’t remember him. He wouldn’t stay in Seoul to become someone of his own in this city and this country. He would always remain just a classmate to most of these people. It terrified him at times because he knew he could be better, do better, but he was mostly okay with it. 

As everyone around him walked away to meet and talk with their friends, Jisung felt a strong pull as someone put their arm around his shoulder. Jisung recognized Minho just by the cologne he wore. Something about his presence made the air shift around him. There was a singular feeling Jisung got anytime Minho was close: his heart beating fast, the butterflies in his stomach, and everything he would never say.

‘You gotta have fun with this,’ said Minho, too close to his ear for Jisung to feel normal about it. ‘You only graduate once.’

‘Not true,’ pointed out Jisung, trying to level his voice. ‘There’s college.’

‘Yeah, but we won’t be together, so it doesn’t count,' said Minho with a big smile.

There was something special about having a best friend. Jisung had always struggled to make friends because he moved so much, and nothing felt permanent. But Minho did. Jisung thought of Minho as his beginning and his end. That was how best friends went. That was why it felt empty when Minho walked away to talk to another one of their friends. It was emptiness when they were gone. It was pain when they talked to someone else and also put their arms around them. 

Jisung walked up to Minho and Changbin, but the conversation felt distant, and he felt small. He couldn’t seem to get the timing right to incorporate the conversation, and Minho wasn’t trying or helping either. So Jisung did what he did best - walk away. He found a quieter place away from everyone, against a wall where he could turn himself invisible as he watched everyone else. But the wall wasn’t enough to make his back feel fine, so he decided to slowly sit down on the ground. His mother would probably be mad at him for ruining his brand-new, very expensive suit. Jisung didn’t care.

‘Minho told me you’re going to Cambridge.’

Jisung looked up and saw a long, tall figure. Hyunjin didn’t wait for an answer or an authorization to sit next to him. 

‘Y-Yeah.’

‘That’s so cool,’ said Hyunjin, lively. ‘I would love to study abroad.’

‘You’re staying here?’

Hyunjin nodded. ‘Med school, but I’m going back to Daegu. I'm hoping I’ll get to work all over the world later on, though. I want to do Doctors Without Borders.’

Jisung was more impressed by Hyunjin’s clear view of the future than by his ambition. From what Jisung knew about Hyunjin, if there was something he wanted, he would make it work to get it. But they weren’t close, and Jisung's vision of Hyunjin was superficial at best. They ran in the same group and were friends with the same people, but had talked just the two of them only a handful of times. Hyunjin was just there in the big scope of things, always in a corner, always nice, always lively, always cheerful, always outspoken about his beliefs. Their conversations never went beyond the music they both enjoyed or the couple of shows they both watched. Jisung never asked how hard it was to be one of the few out kids in school, and Hyunjin never asked how hard it was to constantly move around and lose people.

‘That’s really cool. I hope you get to do it.’

Hyunjin nodded again, happily. ‘I’m very excited about med school anyway. Can’t wait to wear a sexy lab coat.’

Jisung laughed. ‘I’m sure you’ll do great, and look great in it.’

‘Well, you’re going to Cambridge, that’s already beyond impressive. You’re so smart, you don’t need a lab coat to do the sexy part.’ Jisung laughed, feeling his cheeks burn with embarrassment. ‘Will you send me pictures?’

‘I’m not gonna be wearing a lab coat.’

Hyunjin smiled, amused. ‘I mean the campus, the city, England…’

Jisung nodded quickly. ‘Yeah, sure.’

‘Promise?’ said Hyunjin, holding up his pinky finger.

Jisung smiled and quickly hooked his pinky to Hyunjin’s. ‘Promise.’

Minho remembered that Jisung existed by then, and he came looking for him. Jisung did wonder if he hadn’t been looking for Hyunjin instead and just happened to see him there too. It didn’t matter. When Minho said, ‘You always do this. Why do you set yourself apart?’, Jisung thought it meant Minho wanted him with him. That’s what best friends do. Want each other.

* * *

Chan sent Jisung the address of a bar he had never heard of before. Back then, when they were drinking and getting drunk after just one glass of vodka and orange juice, it was at house parties. But the way to the bar still felt haunted by all the times Jisung and Minho had hung out after class. All these streets were filled with him, and filled with what had once upon a time been desire for what could’ve been. Felix knew it, but he couldn’t know every memory, every thought, so Jisung simply grabbed his hand for support as they walked, and Felix didn’t even blink at the gesture.

He did make sure to let go of Felix before any of his high school friends would see them. While Jisung had never been explicit about who he liked, either Chan or Seungmin, he was pretty sure they must’ve known by now. Jisung didn’t hide it, but that was also why he didn’t think showing up with his fingers interlocked with Felix’s would be a good idea. He didn’t want to explain that they weren’t together; they were friends - best friends, the good kind.

‘I heard Minho got engaged,’ said Seungmin, half a beer into their conversation. 

It had been going well. Felix and Chan easily found things in common to talk about, and Jisung listened as Seungmin updated him on his life. Seungmin was like Jisung: he had traveled all over the world, but instead of landing in the UK, he had landed in the US, and Jisung often wondered what was worse. They had stayed in touch, mostly for birthday messages and quick updates now and then. Anytime they were geographically close, they tried to see each other, to talk and gossip about people they barely remembered. It was never about the important things. Jisung didn’t tell him about his parents’ divorce until a year after it happened, and Seungmin didn’t tell him he was into boys until he broke up with the boyfriend Jisung didn't know he had. Their friendship worked just fine this way.

‘Did he?’ asked Jisung, feeling a knot forming in his throat. Minho had always been allergic to social media, so it had always been hard to keep up with him.

Seungmin nodded. ‘Changbin told me. They haven’t set a date yet, though.’

‘Are you going?’

Seungmin snorted. ‘I don’t think so. I haven’t talked to him in a long time.’

Neither had Jisung. The chat with Minho was collecting dust at the bottom of all the other chats. Minho had never been good at messages, at communicating, or being a good friend to him. Jisung had chosen Minho a million and one times, but once he was gone, Minho never picked him again. He probably never had in the first place.

‘I’m excited to see Hyunjin, though,’ said Seungmin after taking a sip of his drink. ‘You remember him?’

Jisung blinked and cleared his throat. ‘Yeah, of course.’

‘I haven’t talked to him in ages. He moved to Daegu for college, so when I came back here, I didn’t really have time to visit him, and he couldn’t afford the train fare. It was too complicated every time.’ Seungmin shrugged. ‘It’s so weird when that happens… When you’re so close to someone, and then life happens. Like I don’t know… You and Minho, me and Hyunjin…’

‘Oh, is Hyunjin coming?’ asked Chan, switching his attention from Felix to the two of them.

‘I think so,’ said Seungmin with a shrug. Jisung felt Felix stare at him with a frown. ‘I don’t really know where he’s at. The last thing I heard was that he had dropped out of college, and that was a long time ago.’

‘Shit, really? I had no idea,’ said Chan quietly. ‘Do you know anything about him, Jisung?’

Jisung blinked. ‘N-No… I mean, I haven’t heard of him in a long time either.’

Technically not a lie. The chat with Hyunjin was also collecting dust. It was just way more up in the list than Minho’s. But there was no reason to get into it when the result was the same: they were both collecting dust.

* * *

Cambridge would’ve felt like any other place in the world if it hadn’t been for Hyunjin.

It was hard to put it into words when Hyunjin had never been there to drag Jisung to class when he felt like he couldn’t get out of bed, or to buy him food when Jisung was too worried about running out of money for the things he argued actually mattered. It was hard to explain how someone had existed in every room Jisung had stepped into without actually being there. It was like a ghost. At first, a good one. Jisung hadn’t gone back to Cambridge to feel the presence of the ghost of the person who was gone.

Jisung fulfilled his promise with a first photo of the campus. He thought that would be the end of it. Jisung was too busy noticing how Minho didn’t answer his messages to notice how he started messaging Hyunjin every day.

It was photos at first. It was Hyunjin sending him music later. It was Hyunjin pushing him to watch his favorite series. It was Hyunjin giving him a path when Jisung was rethinking and revisiting the world around him as if he were learning to live all over again. Jisung did know what he loved the most in the world was music, even if his major had nothing to do with it. Everything else felt unclear, and at times it felt as if Hyunjin knew better than him what he would like, what would make him happy, what would inspire him.

Everything Hyunjin talked about, Jisung fell in love with it. He found himself buying books, visiting places, and traveling to London for shows of musicians that Hyunjin showed him. He didn’t meet anyone at those shows, instead he stayed on his phone telling Hyunjin all about it, wishing he was there with him. Hyunjin was there in a way. A ghost in every concert.

It made Jisung feel like a fraud. Hyunjin’s views and tastes became so tangled with Jisung's that people assumed it was all him. But Jisung wasn’t the cool person who discovered underground indie bands, he wasn’t the person who had found out about some gay show you could only watch through Google Drive - it was all Hyunjin.

Jisung was on the other side of the world, in one of the best colleges in the world, and yet the person who opened his mind more than anyone else was Hyunjin. He was mesmerized by his words, his knowledge of music, cinema, and a culture Jisung had never known.

He found Hyunjin in every song, on every page, in every minute of movies. Every corner of Cambridge held a memory of Jisung receiving a message from Hyunjin, a call by Hyunjin, or Hyunjin's name slipping from his tongue as a second nature. In his loneliness, in his hopelessness, in his darkest moments, Hyunjin was there.

And it was the same the other way around.

Hyunjin told him about how hard it was at home, where his grandmother raised him as her own son, while keeping several Bibles in the living room. Hyunjin told him about how he would never be able to come out to his family. Hyunjin told him how hard med school was, how much he struggled, and how he eventually could barely make it out of bed. He told him when he decided to drop out. He made it seem like it was nothing, but Jisung knew his heart was breaking, he knew Hyunjin felt like he had failed. To Jisung’s eyes, he hadn’t. Because he was holding onto something that made him miserable, while Hyunjin had been brave enough to stop what brought him pain.

Hyunjin had dreamed of Cambridge, and Jisung was trapped in a world where the only thing he liked was Hyunjin. Jisung had never been brave enough to tell Hyunjin he lived in that place already, in those halls, in those classrooms, in those café places. He was everywhere.

* * *

Grabbing a drink with Chan and Seungmin didn't take long. They wanted to return to their respective hotels to rest and mentally prepare for what would come tomorrow. They made their way back to the hotel, and Jisung saw the lights shine brighter. There was nowhere to hide in a city like this one.

‘Hey, Jisung,’ said Felix when they were in the dark, sharing a bed like they had done a billion times before. ‘When they talked about Hyunjin… Is that your Hyunjin?’

Jisung felt his throat closing. ‘Yeah, same person.’

‘Oh,’ said Felix quietly, and a silence settled in before he spoke again. ‘Never occurred to me you met in high school. Do you think he'll be there tomorrow?’

Of course, it had crossed Jisung’s mind. It was the first thing he thought about when he got the invitation. Before Chan, before Seungmin, even before Minho… Just Hyunjin. His Hyunjin. But Hyunjin wasn’t his, never had been, never would be.

‘I guess so,’ said Jisung, trying to keep his voice from breaking.

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ asked Felix, turning over to look at Jisung even through the dark.

Jisung shrugged. ‘Because… It doesn’t matter. It’s not important - not anymore.’

Felix let the silence settle again until he asked: ‘You sure?’

‘Positive,’ said Jisung, smiling as best as he could, even if Felix wouldn’t be able to see it through the dark.

* * *

Jisung couldn't pinpoint the moment he started liking boys. He liked girls growing up, so the question was never really asked. Maybe it was during his senior year when every Minho look, every Minho touch made him shiver. Maybe it was when he was mesmerized by the talk in literature classes about the way Shakespeare treated gender in his plays. Maybe it was Hyunjin always making him watch queer media, which Jisung consumed happily. But at some point, he realized that maybe, just maybe, he didn’t fit the image that had been set up for him.

He did remember when he realized he liked boys, and the first time he said it out loud.

The realization came along with the knowledge that he had been deeply in love, years after the fact. It was when Minho didn’t answer his messages anymore, when Minho had found a girlfriend, when the friendship that Jisung had once thought was forever had fizzled out, and it was one of the main reasons why he couldn’t get out of bed or take care of himself. The whole time, he had been heartbroken. He had been in love. He just missed it.

Jisung avoided his classes and responsibilities as much as possible. Most days, he ate nothing but chips and a soda to help him go through the day, despite Felix arguing he had to put something else in his belly. So Jisung did. He put instant noodles in his belly while watching Grey’s Anatomy with Hyunjin - another thing he was pushing on him and Jisung didn’t mind indulging. In the blink of an eye, they had reached the 11th season. Well, Jisung had - it was Hyunjin’s third time watching the show.

‘I kinda get Arizona,’ said Jisung, after slurping some of his noodles.

‘She’s being an ass, actually,’ retorted Hyunjin on the other end of the line.

Jisung laughed. ‘I just think that it must be difficult to date someone who’s attracted to everyone, you know.’

There was a silence, and then Hyunjin cleared his throat. ‘Well, Callie is not attracted to everyone. You’re not attracted to every girl, are you?’

Jisung blinked. ‘Guess not. But you get my point.’

‘Your point is dumb,’ said Hyunjin, so easily, so naturally, that it made Jisung want to crawl into a hole, and he deserved it. ‘I mean, I’m not particularly into girls, but like… If you feel attraction for all genders, that’s totally fine. You’re not more prone to cheat. Gender is a social construct anyway.’

‘So you think it’s possible? To be attracted to both?’

‘It’s not that I think, Jisung.’ Hyunjin laughed softly, and Jisung smiled even though he didn’t know why he was laughing. ‘Actually, for a long time I thought you were bisexual.’

Jisung felt a strange ball form in his throat, as if someone had discovered a secret he didn’t even know he had. And indeed, Hyunjin had.

‘Me?’

‘Yeah… I thought you and Minho had a thing, or that at least you had a thing for Minho.’

Jisung blinked. Once. Minho’s smile. Twice. The way Minho not answering to his messages felt like a burn in his heart. Thrice. The way every touch had felt.

‘I think I did,’ whispered Jisung.

‘Oh,’ said Hyunjin initially. ‘Well, that’s cool.’

‘Does that…’ Jisung cleared his throat. ‘Does that mean I’m like… Bisexual?’

‘You are whatever you want to be, babe.’

‘I can just vibe?’

Hyunjin laughed. ‘You can absolutely just vibe.’

Jisung smiled. ‘What about you?’

‘Me? I’m as gay as they come, my love.’

* * *

The building was just like Jisung remembered it. He had known they had repainted the whole thing after he graduated, so it wasn't surprising to find that the walls that had once been covered with bright, blinding, ugly colors were now shades of gray and beige. It made the place slightly prettier, definitely more bearable, but it did feel like they had erased one of the things that had once made it so unique. Felix kept wowing and awing at everything around them as Jisung explained what it was: here’s the auditorium, the lockers used to be here, here’s where we used to hang out, here’s where I used to be tortured in PE.

It was strange to go back a place that had been once such a fundamental part in his everyday life and find it to be stripped from his memories. The moments were still there, in his brain, but they didn’t exist in the present. None of his friends was remembered. They weren't that noticeable, even back then, but maybe someone would’ve had an idea of who Han Jisung was, Lee Minho, Kim Seungmin, or Hwang Hyunjin. But they were no one to this place anymore. They probably had never been. The truth was that all these moments that were so stuck in Jisung’s brain had been erased and only existed in his brain alone. Seungmin probably remembered, but in a different way. Chan would have his own version. That was the way memories worked. Jisung hated it.

They made their way to the gymnasium, where they always held such events. Some things didn’t change, but, for once, Jisung wished this had, because stepping a foot in another one of his tortured chambers didn’t make him feel any better.

‘Thank you for coming with me,’ said Jisung after taking a sip of the first drink they got offered. He was a grown-up, but drinking in this place still felt wrong. He was just a kid, he wasn’t supposed to drink with his geography teacher a few steps away from him. Being sober for something like this felt more like torture than any of those years trying and failing miserably at playing soccer, though.

‘No problem, I’m so happy to be here. Your school is so cool,’ said Felix as his final review of the place. ‘My school is not nearly as fancy as this one.’

Jisung snorted. ‘Wanna switch?’

‘Actually, yes,’ said Felix with a smile.

Felix was the one who noticed Seungmin and the one who waved. Seungmin was happy to join them, and Jisung felt relieved by his presence. The next one to find them was Chan, and they decided to settle at one of the available tables set up in the huge gymnasium. Thankfully, there wasn’t any seating plan, which meant there was a small chance Jisung could have a good evening.

He talked to teachers, talked to old classmates he barely remembered, introduced Felix to all of them, and they gave him the look. Jisung had gotten used to that look a long time ago. He used to spend time correcting what exactly his bond was to Felix, but he didn’t bother anymore. These people weren't like Chan or Seungmin, with whom he felt like he owed some kind of explanation. These people, the ones he probably would never have to face ever again, Jisung didn't have it in him to care whether they thought Felix was his best friend or his boyfriend. It didn’t matter to him. If anything, he was glad they assumed Felix was his boyfriend. That way, he didn’t have to come out, didn’t have to have awkward conversations where they would ask him about a family, a girlfriend, or a wife, or a possible kid on the way. Jisung didn’t have any of those and didn’t have any interest in them. He wasn’t opposed to dating women, but the idea of marriage and building a family made him want to hurl. He was okay with them assuming he would never have any of these things because he liked men. Both things were true: he was never going to marry to build a family and he liked men, but one didn’t explain the other. It was easier this way.

Felix was good at deflecting and carrying conversations on his shoulders. This was one of the many reasons Jisung had brought him. While Felix asked his old English teacher about her dog, Jisung stared at the door, feeling his heart skip a beat every time it opened and someone new came into the room. It was never who he expected or dreaded. A good sign - even though he couldn’t help the disappointment.

Jisung forced himself to get some food from the buffet. It wasn’t out of hunger but rather out of not wanting to drink on an empty stomach. He had done it too many times before. Felix seemed even happier to pile all the Korean food he could onto his plate, to the point that Jisung was convinced it would break. It didn’t. But Jisung did almost drop his own plate when he went back to their table. Some of the seats had been occupied by Changbin, whom Jisung had seen only once after leaving, and Jeongin, who looked so different that Jisung almost thought he had gotten it wrong. Most importantly, though, one of the seats was taken by Minho.

Felix didn’t blink, he didn't have a reason to, and he sat down next to Seungmin, leaving an empty chair between him and Minho. Jisung could've gone around, he could've sat down on the other side of the table where another seat was available, but instead, he sat down, wondering if everyone could see how much he was shaking.

Minho was talking to Changbin. Jisung hoped the conversation would be interesting enough for Minho not to notice, not to turn around - but he did. He hadn’t changed much. He had the same sculpture-like features, the same bright eyes, the same cheeky smile. As soon as their eyes met, Minho smiled at him in that way Jisung remembered made him feel like he was the only one in the room.

‘Hey, stranger.’

Jisung smiled slightly. ‘Hey.’

They stared at each other for a bit too long, and when Jisung’s eyes finally drifted away, he couldn’t help but stare at the ring on Minho's right hand. He had never thought Minho would be the kind of man to wear an engagement ring, but people changed, and from what Jisung had heard, people like Minho changed for the right person.

Minho noticed his gaze, but before he could say anything, Jisung used his favorite deflection.

‘This is Felix!’ he said way too loudly.

Minho seemed surprised, as did Felix, whose mouth was already full of food. Felix swallowed painfully and held his hand for Minho, who shook it.

‘My fiancée couldn’t make it. Too much work.’

Felix blinked and looked at Jisung. ‘Oh,’ he said. ‘That’s a shame.’

‘I’m Minho, by the way.’

Felix’s eyes grew wide, and his mouth formed a perfect O shape. Jisung swore to himself he would find another person to be the perfect deflection because Felix was way too expressive.

‘Oh, okay. Jisung has mentioned you before,’ Felix cleared his throat. ‘I guess once or twice.’

Minho didn’t seem to catch on to anything. But to be fair, he had always been good at that, always knowing even before Jisung did. He looked at Jisung with a smile.

‘Only good things I hope?’

‘Only the stupid shit you used to do drunk at my place,’ said Jisung in a shrug before taking a sip of his drink. Minho laughed, and it felt just like it used to.

‘So he’s heard a lot about me.’

‘Guess so,’ said Jisung in a whisper.

‘Good thing my fiancée isn’t here then.’

Jisung smiled slightly, and he let his eyes drift away while Minho and Felix engaged in a conversation about how Jisung and Felix had met. Felix didn’t have much to ask about Minho’s relationship with Jisung, he pretty much knew every single detail. Jisung had told him all about it, probably more than twice. It had been a while since Minho had been on his mind in that way, but it somehow still affected him. He wanted out. He wanted to leave. He wanted this night to be over so he could go back home and forget about the whole thing.

But then he saw him.

Jisung hadn’t seen him since graduation - not really. Sure, he had pictures, way too many kept in a folder in his old computer because Jisung had never been able to delete anything, especially not their conversations. He knew his features, his expressions, his voice, all of it by heart, and yet all these things put together after so long were a strange sight. He was more beautiful than he remembered, which was funny because Jisung had long considered him the most beautiful person in the world. He was smiling, he was talking to someone else, and Jisung knew he should look away, but he couldn’t. Even when he felt like his eyes were about to fill with tears, he didn’t look away. And when Hyunjin finally met his gaze, everything around them stopped existing. This wasn’t a ghost, good or bad. This was Hyunjin in the flesh. Hyunjin, who seemed to adjust to the sight of Jisung, too. Hyunjin, who so naturally smiled at him. Hyunjin, who waved slightly. And here was Jisung. Jisung, who smiled back. Jisung, who whispered a soft “hey” as if Hyunjin could hear him from across the room.

‘What are you looking at?’

Minho’s words felt like a cold shower. Jisung was brought back to reality, but he couldn’t find any words to stop Minho from turning around and seeing what Jisung had been seeing.

‘Oh, he got so handsome,’ said Minho.

‘Who?’ asked Changbin, suddenly interested in the conversation - the last thing Jisung needed, really, was more people involved in this conversation.

‘Hyunjin,’ said Minho. ‘I mean, he’s always been handsome, though.’

Jisung stared at his glass in silence, and Felix waited until Minho and Changbin were busy gossiping about what had happened to Hyunjin after graduation to talk to Jisung.

‘Do you want to leave?’

Jisung shook his head. ‘No, that’s okay.’

Felix pressed his lips. ‘You just say the word, okay?’

Jisung nodded slowly in acknowledgment, and then he looked back at Hyunjin. He was still busy talking to someone else, but he was also still staring at Jisung - he had either been waiting for Jisung to look back at him or he had been staring. In either case, Hyunjin smiled at him again. So Jisung did the same.

* * *

Loving Minho felt like winter.

Jisung's brother had once told him that if you touched ice for too long, it burned. And he had been right.

Jisung blamed Minho for a long time: for playing with his emotions, for not loving him back, for not staying. It created a million doubts in his head. He wasn’t enough yet too much to be loved back. Processing all these emotions once everything was over was hard, sickening, and it messed with Jisung’s brain. He kept going over their moments together, kept going over their conversations, trying to decode everything and find an answer to a question that had never existed.

But every season had to end eventually and Jisung got over Minho on a day of Spring.

It was a long process, really. It was multiple months, multiple times cursing at the sky, wishing Minho would come back into his life on bad days, wishing Minho the same amount of pain on good days. He cried, he screamed, he laughed, and he told the story a billion times until there was nothing left to be said.

Jisung met new people, and suddenly, Minho wasn’t the person he talked about the most. Suddenly, the people around him didn’t know about Minho, didn’t know that the necklace he wore around his neck every day was a gift from him. They didn't know about his first love or how he was the reason he realized he was bisexual. Suddenly, Jisung was just bisexual, and for the first time in years, he was just him outside of Minho.

Suddenly, people didn’t know Minho, but they did know Hyunjin. They knew about the music Hyunjin made him listen to, they knew about the TV shows he watched because of Hyunjin, and they knew all the funny things Hyunjin said. Hyunjin didn’t replace the Minho shape in Jisung’s life, rather he made it his own.

Jisung stopped telling the story of Minho, not because it stopped mattering, but because it didn’t define Jisung anymore. Instead, Jisung told the story of Hyunjin, but it barely felt like a story when it didn't have a beginning and surely didn't have an ending.

And it was on Hyunjin’s birthday, as Jisung walked down the streets of Cambridge and light rain fell on him, that he realized the fog of heartbreak and unrequited love had lifted.

* * *

Changbin was the first to hug Hyunjin to greet him, followed by Minho. Jisung felt his heart beating too fast in his chest as Hyunjin seemed to get closer to him with every breath. But Hyunjin didn’t hug him. Instead, Seungmin got up from his seat to go to him immediately. Jisung watched Chan move seats to leave an empty space between him and Seungmin so that Hyunjin could sit. Because Hyunjin had been Seungmin’s best friend, and Seungmin knew Hyunjin more than anyone at that table. Felix followed him with his eyes too, this time disguising his curiosity a little bit better.

When Hyunjin finally sat down, their eyes met again, but this time, Jisung looked away. They had never talked about the day that this would happen. They didn’t think it would ever happen. Back when they could’ve talked about it, back when they could've thought of this happening, they would’ve imagined it being different than what it was now. Jisung would’ve messaged Hyunjin with his exact flight information, and Hyunjin would’ve picked him up at the airport. They would’ve gone together to the reunion and people would’ve been surprised to see them be so close. But that was in another life. This was reality.

‘I’m Felix,’ said Felix with a soft smile.

‘Oh, I know,’ said Hyunjin quickly. Jisung’s eyes opened wide. It wasn’t supposed to be a secret, but it somehow was. Explaining Hyunjin was just as bad as explaining his sexuality. Hyunjin used to matter. He didn’t anymore. Hyunjin cleared his throat after taking one look at the expression on Jisung’s face. ‘I mean… Your name tag.’

Felix looked down at the sticker on his chest. ‘Oh, right.’

Hyunjin had seen a billion photos of Felix before. Jisung used to send selfies when he was drunk or just happy, and Felix was part of most of those moments. Hyunjin had heard his voice, had seen him in videos, and had talked to him before. Or at least a past version of him had.

‘He’s Jisung’s best friend from England,’ said Seungmin, pointing at Jisung.

Hyunjin looked at Jisung, and it felt like the first time they were allowed to - as if there had been a rule that said they couldn’t and shouldn’t.

‘You went to Cambridge, right?’ asked Hyunjin softly.

Jisung almost wanted to snort, but instead he just said, ‘Right. I’m living in London now.’

‘Oh, you must love it.’

Jisung wanted to laugh because he knew Hyunjin was aware of his hatred for London. Instead, he smiled and said, ‘It’s gotten better.’

Hyunjin gave him a sincere smile. ‘That’s nice to hear.’

‘What about you?’ asked Seungmin. ‘Last thing I heard you dropped out of med school.’

Hyunjin turned to Seungmin. ‘Yeah, I did… But then I went back to college to be a nurse. I have a year left.’

‘That’s amazing!’ said Seungmin excitedly.

Hyunjin nodded. He looked proud of himself. ‘Yeah, it's going great, and I'm… Well, I'm doing some art, just a side project though. I'm exhibiting in an art gallery some of my work next month.’

‘You are?’ asked Jisung, way louder than he intended, his voice choking. Felix turned to him and immediately grabbed his hand.

‘I am,’ said Hyunjin softly.

‘C-Congrats.’

Hyunjin smiled. ‘Thanks.’

They stared at each other until the lights dimmed and their principal took the stage. Jisung’s stare still lingered on Hyunjin, but when Seungmin seemed to notice, he quickly looked away. The new principal was talking about the main achievements of their graduating class, and, of course, Jisung hadn’t even been shortlisted for the list. He didn’t have any achievements apart from going to Cambridge. That’s where his prestige had stopped once and for good. He couldn’t even call it a downfall because prestige only for getting into a college had never felt right and worthy. Jisung had always felt like an imposter in those halls, he wasn’t half as smart as the people there. He barely graduated and went on to have a mediocre job away from everything he loved, thanks to his useless degree. There was no prestige in that. Jisung was just happy to have money at the end of the month to set aside for travel and to keep going to concerts, even if he would never be the one on stage.

The list of achievements was long: it ranged from someone working for the South Korean ambassador in a European country to someone becoming an engineer at one of the world's largest airlines. Next to this, Jisung was nothing, and he had learned to come to terms with it. But seeing it reflected on a big screen made it all so much worse.

If it hadn’t been for the feeling of eyes on him, Jisung would’ve been swallowed by the screen of achievements he would never be able to measure up to. Instead, he looked back at Hyunjin. Hyunjin tilted his head slightly, and Jisung nodded without a single thought.

Hyunjin was the first to get up, and Jisung announced quickly to Felix that he would be right back, and he followed Hyunjin’s steps out of the room.

* * *

Jisung’s fourth semester at Cambridge also brought more classes, more exams, and the news that his parents had decided to get a divorce. No one asked for his opinion, but after years of forcing love, Jisung still agreed with their decision. Jisung wasn't even close to a hopeless romantic. He could enjoy love stories in fiction, but he never believed that kind of love existed. It existed even less between his parents. Marriage, like love, was a transaction.

When the time came for Valentine’s Day, Jisung was more over the whole concept than usual. In any normal year, he didn’t understand why it made all couples act insane and all single people crave connection more than on any other day. Loneliness was loneliness every day of the year for Jisung.

And he told Hyunjin so.

‘I think you’re being too grumpy,’ said Hyunjin. ‘I mean, yes, marriage in the traditional sense was always seen as a transaction, but… I think people can love each other, and sometimes it's all about expressing that.’

Jisung snorted. ‘Why do people need it to marry to know or prove they’re in a stable relationship? If you need to marry someone to feel like you're stable, maybe the relationship just sucks.’

Jisung was walking to class. Preparing mentally to go to yet another class he didn’t care about.

‘I would get married. I think it’s beautiful.’

‘At church? With a white cake and all that bullshit? Just let me know so I can buy a suit in advance to be your best man.’

Hyunjin laughed. ‘Well, not church. I don’t want to burn on the day of my wedding.’

‘I’ll burn with you,’ said Jisung with a shrug.

‘But you know what’s my favorite thing about Valentine’s Day, though?’ asked Hyunjin.

‘The chocolate?’ said Jisung, barely thinking it over.

‘Well, it would be, but no one is buying me chocolate.’

‘I would if I were there.’

‘Lots of “if” and still no chocolates,’ said Hyunjin with a heavy sigh.

Jisung giggled. ‘Alright, so what is your favorite part about Valentine’s Day?’

‘The cards.’

‘The cards?’

‘The silly ones.’

‘I don’t even know what that means,’ said Jisung.

‘Something like a picture of Meredith Grey with the quote “Are you pneumonia? Because I can’t breathe without you.” I was going to send it to you. Just didn’t know if you would be into it.’

Jisung laughed. ‘Pneumonia? Not really.’

‘How boring of you, Han Jisung.’

‘I have class.’

‘Ok, I’ll send you silly cards so you find joy in your day.’

And Jisung did. Every time he looked at his phone, Hyunjin had sent even more silly pictures. He even sometimes added in awfully written letters “hannie” next to the “to”, and “hyune” next to the “from.” Jisung wondered if Hyunjin even slept because they texted the entire day, but he didn’t dare to ask, knowing it was probably better not to open the can of worms and risk Hyunjin actually going to sleep and leaving him.

Jisung went back home with no notes from his classes and a bunch of new Valentine’s Day cards on his phone. Jisung would send ones too if he could find some or think his humor could match Hyunjin’s. Instead, he giggled at his phone.

‘In a way, you were my Valentine’s,’ said Jisung, lying on his bed, watching yet another episode of Grey’s Anatomy. ‘My very first one.’

‘You see? Valentine’s Day can be fun.’ Jisung snorted. ‘I’ll be waiting for my chocolates.’

Jisung smiled to himself. ‘Do you ever think about how a few years ago, we barely spoke? What would everyone say if they knew we talked?’

‘Not sure they would care. I think it’s all about the right time and the right person anyway,’ said Hyunjin on the other end of the line.

‘Right place too,’ whispered Jisung. ‘If I were there, I would give you chocolates every day, not just Valentine’s Day.’

Right time. Right person. Wrong place.

Maybe in another life, Jisung would’ve believed in love, and if he had to pick someone to love, he would’ve picked Hyunjin. Maybe then, Valentine’s Day would’ve had a meaning. Jisung smiled at the idea. It was nice, but just an idea after all. Nothing less. Nothing more.

* * *

‘Thank you for getting me out of there,’ said Jisung as he followed Hyunjin through the school he used to know. As they walked away from the gym, Jisung realized way more than the color of the walls had changed about this place. He also realized that Hyunjin had taken advantage of the dark of the room to grab a sealed champagne bottle from the buffet. Jisung followed Hyunjin blindly, unsure about where they were heading. One thing about Jisung was that he would’ve trusted Hyunjin with his life, even now.

‘Where are we going?’ he did ask eventually.

‘To the roof,’ answered Hyunjin simply.

‘There’s a roof?’ asked Jisung, suddenly also realizing there was a whole part of this place that he had never known about.

Hyunjin didn’t give any further explanation, just a soft hum, and it was enough for Jisung to continue following, quietly this time. They went up the stairs Jisung had climbed every day to class, and then they finally reached one of the hallways they had walked on a billion times, once upon a time. Jisung had always felt strange about seeing places that were supposed to be filled with people empty. There was nothing and no one there, just silence and the ghost of Jisung’s memories. Minho joking around. Seungmin dragging him to class when he least wanted to. Hyunjin didn’t seem to bat an eye and walked to the end of the hallway, where he opened a door that Jisung had probably seen a million times but had never truly noticed. It gave way to more stairs, and Jisung followed as Hyunjin went up, and up, until they opened another door, and there they were - on the roof.

‘Oh wow,’ he couldn’t help himself.

Not only could they see the entire yard below them and some of the people who had gone out of the gymnasium to talk, but they could also see part of the city and all of its lights. Jisung stood as close as he could to the edge to see as much as possible. He almost forgot about the champagne until he heard a loud pop. Jisung turned around and found Hyunjin struggling, with foam coming out of the bottle. Jisung laughed.

‘I’m not good with champagne,’ said Hyunjin.

‘Clearly,’ smiled Jisung.

Hyunjin took the first sip, and he then handed the bottle to Jisung. He tried not to seem nervous. He tried to act natural. But he was probably failing. He wasn’t like Hyunjin, he wasn’t like Minho. Jisung always cared too much.

When he was done with his first sip, Jisung found himself face to face with Hyunjin, who was staring at him with a soft smile. Hyunjin made a few steps forward, and Jisung let himself be wrapped in his arms.

‘Hi,’ said Jisung under his breath.

Hyunjin smiled. ‘Hi.’

‘Hi,’ repeated Jisung, and it made Hyunjin laugh.

‘You already said that.’

It was strange to have him there, in front of him, in flesh and blood. It used to be a dream, a goal, and then it became a lie, a pain in the back of Jisung’s mind. But now they were here. Jisung almost wanted to reach for his face to make sure it was real and he wasn’t dreaming or having a nightmare. But there was champagne, and there were city lights, and there was Hyunjin, and he figured that if it was a nightmare and if Hyunjin was a ghost, he could do worse.

Jisung pressed his lips. ‘Yeah, I don’t… I don’t really know what to say.’

Hyunjin nodded slowly. ‘I guess that’s okay.’

Jisung looked down and turned around to see the city skyline. Hyunjin joined him and grabbed the bottle from his hand.

‘How come I’ve never known about this place?’

Hyunjin shrugged. ‘Didn’t hang out with me enough back then.’

Jisung lowered his stare, knowing Hyunjin was teasing but still feeling a weight on his chest. Even now, his only wish was to go back and spend more time with him. He never thought they had a countdown, he never thought they would have an ending. It used to not matter that they had barely spent time together in high school because it was the past, and they had all the present and the future. Now it was different. Jisung would trade it all to have more time with the ghost of Hyunjin. He would love an extra day, even just an extra minute.

‘I heard Minho got engaged,’ said Hyunjin softly.

‘Seungmin told me.’

Hyunjin looked at him carefully. ‘How are you feeling about that?’

Jisung shrugged. ‘Honestly, good for him… Happy he found someone.’

Hyunjin nodded slowly, and the silence was only broken when he asked: ‘So is it a woman or a man? Never quite figured him out.’

Jisung smiled, amused, and looked at Hyunjin. ‘You know, I still have no idea.’

Hyunjin smiled. ‘A non-binary monarch then.’

Jisung laughed. ‘Surely.’

‘Do you still…?’

Jisung turned to Hyunjin. ‘Love him?’ Hyunjin nodded. Jisung snorted. ‘Oh, no. I was free from that a long time ago. Still weird to see him, but I mean, it’s weirder to-’

Jisung cut himself off and turned away from Hyunjin.

‘I know,’ said Hyunjin softly. He took a long sip out of the bottle and handed it to Jisung. He also took a long sip.

‘I didn’t know you were painting,’ said Jisung eventually. They were on the edge of the roof, but they were also on the edge of touching on something he wasn’t sure he was ready for yet. ‘I mean, you had so many hobbies, but I don’t remember you painting.’

Hyunjin nodded. ‘It only started a few years ago, but I like it. I’ve stuck with it more than the other stuff.’ He paused. ‘I was fascinated with the paintings at Church, and I met someone who taught me a lot about art.’

Jisung had a hard time swallowing the alcohol. ‘Oh, so it’s religious paintings?’

Hyunjin shook his head. ‘Nah, I could never do that. It’s more impressionist, but I also do some abstract stuff. It’s hard to explain. I do whatever comes to mind. It makes sense to me.’

Jisung nodded. ‘That's all it matters. I’m sure it’s beautiful.’

‘It's fun,’ said Hyunjin with his brightest smile yet. ‘I enjoy making the colors bleed into each other and… I don’t know. I like it. I’m not super good, but it’s a nice hobby. It’s been therapeutic.’

‘I’m glad.’

‘Therapy has also been therapeutic.’

Jisung turned to Hyunjin and smiled. ‘That’s nice to hear.’

Jisung didn’t need to hear the words. He didn’t need to hear Hyunjin saying, “I finally made it,” or “I finally have the money to go.” Jisung knew exactly why Hyunjin was telling him this. He was happy for him even though it was probably too late for them. Jisung always knew it was never too late for Hyunjin.

‘What about you? Doing music?’

Jisung snorted. ‘Yeah, right.’

‘What do you mean? You should!’

Jisung shook his head. Every ounce of passion he used to have, life had sucked it right out of him and it didn’t matter how much therapy he did, he was never getting it back. He had come to terms with it. But it was strange to face the person who had believed the most in him and tell him that he had failed at making his life exceptional or even the least bit special.

‘Are you happy?’ asked Hyunjin eventually.

Jisung turned to Hyunjin and nodded. ‘Y-Yeah… I am… I mean… I don’t have the life I thought I would have, but… Yeah, I’m quite happy.’

There was a constant hole in his life he hadn’t been able to fill in years, but when it came to it, he was okay. He had found happiness in big things like literature and music, while staying small himself. He had found something he would’ve never imagined for himself. It missed what he wished for the most and had a lot of what he never expected. Jisung was okay with that most days.

Hyunjin smiled. ‘Then that’s the life you deserve. Fuck everything else.’

‘Fuck everything,’ repeated Jisung in a whisper.

* * *

There were lucky people in life. And there were unlucky people.

Jisung believed that.

He believed that everyone was dealt different cards, and each person made the best of them. Jisung was dealt moving around, he was dealt a broken home in more than one way, he was dealt a broken spirit, and broken dreams. Jisung was dealt negativity and a lifetime of repressing his feelings, his happiness, his love, and everything in between.

Hyunjin was dealt a view of the world so beautiful to Jisung that he couldn’t quite grasp it. But Hyunjin was also dealt a broken family and a broke one. He was dealt a grandmother as a mother, and a grandfather as a parasite. He was dealt the card of illness for his loved ones, and he was dealt death. Not for himself, but for everything around him.

Jisung would argue that it all ended up being the same.

Hyunjin didn’t die when he dropped out of university because it was too much to take when he was dealing with mental illness and his part-time job. He didn’t die when he failed to keep up with the other studies he tried out. He didn’t die when his grandmother got cancer. He didn’t die when she died, or when his grandfather decided to kick him out.

Hyunjin didn’t die.

The version of Hyunjin that Jisung knew did. Jisung couldn’t blame him for the cards he had been dealt.

* * *

It all seemed so much louder and brighter after getting away for a few minutes. People were talking everywhere, and the music was way too loud and way too bad. Jisung lost Hyunjin in the crowd a few minutes after they got back. It was a good thing, he thought. They didn’t say it out loud, but they didn’t want people to notice they had been together and ask about them. Too long a story if told right. Too insignificant a story if told short.

Jisung found Felix quickly. His bright blonde hair made him easy to pick among the biggest crowds. One of his favorite things about him. He could never really lose Felix.

‘There you are! We were wondering where you had gone!’ said Seungmin when Jisung reached them. Felix was standing with both Seungmin and Chan near the drinks table.

‘I just needed some air,’ replied Jisung under his breath, hoping it would be enough. It seemed to be for Seungmin and Chan, but Felix stared at him, grabbed his hand, and squeezed it.

‘Are you okay?’ were the words that Felix mouthed, and Jisung replied with a quick nod. He would tell him later, maybe. Nothing had happened. They went to the roof. They hugged for the first time. They talked. There was nothing to say about that. Everything about them had always been like that. It was nothing, but it was everything.

‘Should we go outside?’ asked Chan, almost shouting over the music, and they all agreed.

They brought their drinks outside as the popular crowd took over the music and the dance floor. It was just like back in school, them commanding what everyone liked and did. It had taken a while for Jisung to find a footing, a group of people where he thought he belonged - and even then, he always wondered if he actually belonged. High school was meant to be about not belonging, he assumed.

‘Hey guys!’

Jisung looked up and saw Minho walking towards them, followed by Changbin, and then closely behind Jeongin and Hyunjin. Minho put his hand on Jisung’s shoulder. A habit. A sign that they hadn’t changed, even though they had stopped talking a long time ago. A sign that it didn’t matter to Minho. A sign that it had never meant anything other than a friend putting his hand on another friend's shoulder.

‘We were thinking of getting out of here and going to a noraebang,’ said Minho, smiling. ‘Are you in?’

‘For more loud music?’ asked Seungmin with an awkward smile.

‘For better music,’ replied Changbin.

Chan shrugged. ‘Sure, sounds like fun.’

Chan's approval of the plan seemed to be enough for Seungmin to agree, but Jisung and Felix exchanged a look. Jisung knew Felix would follow wherever he went. Jisung wanted to leave, end the night at a point where he didn’t feel like crawling into a hole. It was okay if this night ended at a point where it wouldn’t change his life. It was okay if it was such an unimportant night that he went back to London, and in a year, he would forget about it. Only he wouldn’t, because he would never shake off the way Hyunjin was looking at him.

‘C’mon, Hannie, it’ll be fun,’ said Minho, with that smile that used to be able to make Jisung do anything. Minho was just as charming, if not more, but Jisung’s eyes couldn’t help but drift away to Hyunjin, standing at the back. He didn’t need a smile from him. He didn’t need a sign. For two people who had done nothing but speak for years, it was quite funny that they didn’t need to speak anymore to communicate.

‘Sure,’ said Jisung finally, looking at Hyunjin, and then at Minho.

‘That’s my Jisung!’ said Minho, and he put an arm around his neck.

Jisung used to find comfort in the way Minho would hold him. Their bodies being so close would’ve sent Jisung down a spiral he wouldn’t even acknowledge back then. But now, all he did as Minho talked to him was look back for Hyunjin. He was walking, hands in his pockets, staring at the floor, but when their eyes met, Hyunjin smiled at him softly. Minho pulled Jisung harder, and he lost sight of Hyunjin the entire way to the noraebang from then on.

* * *

Minho visited London once. Jisung was still in Cambridge at the time, but he hopped on a train faster than he would like to admit when Minho asked if he wanted to meet. Jisung didn’t think about it twice.

They wouldn't meet one-on-one - much to Jisung’s disappointment. Changbin would be there along with other friends, including Minho’s new girlfriend. Jisung rode the train, nervous, thinking about how he would greet Minho, what he would say, what they could talk about. The truth was that Jisung knew very little about Minho’s life now. Minho had always kept to himself, he had always stayed clear of social media, and he wasn’t much of a texter - at least when it came to Jisung.

Jisung went to the party. He greeted Changbin, he hugged Minho tightly, and he got to know his girlfriend. He recognized the same cologne Minho wore and melted at that same smile, and for a second, he thought everything would be like it was before, but better. Because Jisung didn’t feel the same anymore, and he could be happy for Minho, and they could be friends the right way. But it wasn’t anything like that.

When Minho talked about how exhausting his studies were, Jisung didn’t share any of the pressure mixed with disappointment that came with studying at Cambridge. When Minho mentioned a band he enjoyed, Jisung kept his views on how it was an overrated band, because maybe Minho was right. When Minho mentioned the trip he was going to take to Italy with his girlfriend for their anniversary and talked about going to Verona because it was romantic, Jisung kept to himself the speech he had given Felix one drunk night about how Romeo & Juliet wasn’t just about a love story, if anything, it was barely about love. He simply smiled and nodded the way he had done throughout all his high school years.

Would Minho have loved him if he had spoken his mind? Or would it have been worse? Jisung didn’t know. There was no case to wonder anymore.

With every second of the conversation, Jisung felt like he was regressing to being a closeted teenager who couldn’t realize he had fallen for his best friend. He was back to feeling insignificant and making himself small next to people he believed were so much better and smarter than him. Jisung didn’t like this version of himself. It was probably the worst version of him that existed. No wonder Minho had never loved him.

‘Are you seeing anyone? Some British girl?’ asked Minho, one of the first questions he asked that was about Jisung’s life.

Jisung shook his head. ‘Nah, you know me, forever single.’

‘Yeah, sorry I left you alone in our single club,’ said Minho with a smile. Jisung thought he had abandoned him in more than one way, but that was unfair to Minho. Minho had never lied. He had always been straightforward about what they were and who they would be. ‘Couldn’t last forever.’

Their conversation was short, and then Jisung went to other people, feeling it die with them, too, because they had nothing in common. He had only come for Minho. But as much as Jisung still died for that smile and his touch brought him right back to what they once were, this wasn’t the Minho he had come here to see. It was alright because Jisung wasn’t the same either, and he was grateful for that. He didn’t like feeling small. He wasn’t big, but he had ideas, he had thoughts. It was better to keep them for the people who actually wanted to hear them.

‘How was it?’ asked Hyunjin right when he picked up the call.

Jisung was waiting for the train, his entire body shivering from the cold, the anxiety, or both.

‘It was fine,’ said Jisung, and he could hear in his own voice how dead he sounded.

‘That bad, huh?’

Jisung smiled. ‘No, really, it’s just… I mean… I guess I thought I would see him and it would feel the same.’

‘The love part?’ asked Hyunjin.

Jisung shook his head, even though Hyunjin couldn’t see him. ‘No, I mean the friends part. I know we will never be together, and I don’t want that anymore either. I know he never felt the same, but… He was still my best friend. I guess he had his own best friend, and other people in his life he cared to keep around. I’ve always been bad with these things,’ he whispered. ‘I thought that once I processed everything, we could still be friends, but it just… Doesn’t feel the same.’

‘I’m sorry, Jisung,’ said Hyunjin quietly.

‘It’s okay,’ said Jisung, nodding, trying to convince himself. ‘It really is because now I know and I won’t miss him anymore, you know? I won’t expect him to come knocking at my door. It just… Kind of sucks I don’t have who was once my best friend.’

‘For whatever it’s worth, what you two had was special,’ said Hyunjin quietly. ‘You did have a special bond. Like you two were really something. I could see it, and so could everyone else. I know he didn’t love you back in that way. I know it’s complicated to fall for a friend. But don’t let that make you think that it undermines the bond you guys shared. Don't let the end spoil what it was.’

His bond to Minho had been real. It was easy to forget, easy to paint it as something that had always hurt because every time Jisung thought about it, his chest hurt. But Hyunjin saw it as something completely different. A friendship, dead and gone, but once beautiful, once special. It was a much more nuanced way of looking at reality, and it was a hard pill to swallow for Jisung, but one he needed to swallow.

‘But doesn’t change much, it’s still his loss. You have better people now,’ added Hyunjin. ‘There’s Felix.’

‘There’s you,’ said Jisung quietly. ‘You’re my best friend.’

There was a silence until Hyunjin said: ‘How dare you say that when I’m way more? I’m your person.’

Jisung laughed. ‘Something like a soulmate?’

‘Exactly like a soulmate.’

As he waited for his train back home and the wind hit his face, Jisung knew that would be the last time he would see Minho for a long time. He was okay with that.

* * *

Everything about the noraebang felt too familiar to Jisung. From the way Minho dragged him all the way there, to the songs Seungmin played, and the way everyone drunkenly sang along. Including Jisung’s shame, it was all the same as it had been when they were teenagers. Jisung hid in the corner to avoid being asked to sing, just like he had done back then. It used to be because he was shy, and he was dying to sing but scared to disappoint. Now it was because it was a broken dream and something he struggled to find joy in anymore. Felix was puzzled by his attitude, though, because Felix had never met the 17-year-old version of Han Jisung. All he had known was the person who sang his heart out at home, not caring that he wasn’t good enough. But Jisung here wasn’t the Jisung at home. The Jisung here was small.

‘Hey.’

Hyunjin took advantage of Felix going up to sing with Seungmin to sit next to Jisung. This was why Felix was his human shield - he got along better with everyone than Jisung could ever dream of. Hyunjin bumped his shoulder against Jisung, and he had no choice but to turn to him.

‘Why don’t you sing something?’ asked Hyunjin with a small smile.

Jisung looked away as he shook his head. ‘Nah. I’d rather not.’

‘But you’re good!’

Felix wasn’t the only one in that room who had heard Jisung sing his heart out. Hyunjin had too. It was strange to associate all those moments that had happened over the phone, over messages, with the person sitting so close he could touch him. It was strange to notice that there had indeed been someone, a real person, on the other side of the line every time they played a song Jisung knew in Grey’s Anatomy, and every time he sang it at the top of his lungs, even if he missed half of what was happening in the scene.

‘Not drunk enough,’ said Jisung under his breath, and he took a sip of his beer.

Jisung caught, out of the corner of his eye, Hyunjin nodding quietly, looking away, and eventually getting up to return to his seat. Jisung didn’t dare to look his way again. He didn’t dare to see the look in his eyes in case Jisung had hurt him. He didn’t dare to do anything. Jisung was a coward. He had always been.

‘What do straight people even sing at karaoke?’ asked Jeongin in between songs. Despite everyone having multiple conversations, it was surprisingly quiet when Jeongin talked.

Now that he was one more beer down, Jisung did dare to look at Hyunjin frowning.

‘What do you want that for?’ asked Hyunjin, amused.

‘Jisung hasn’t sung anything yet!’ argued Jeongin.

Jisung didn’t process what was happening and the implication of Jeongin’s words until seconds later when the heaviness settled on his chest. It was valid, Jisung assumed. Jisung had never made a public statement, never made an “fyi I’m bi” post like Jeongin had done a few years into college, he never had a boyfriend to plaster all over social media like Seungmin, and he hadn’t seen these people in a long time. It was to be expected, because Jisung had designed it this way, but it was still so surprising he couldn’t find the words.

Hyunjin found them for him as they slipped off his tongue.

He snorted, and then he laughed. ‘Jisung is not straight.’

Suddenly, all the conversations stopped, and everyone turned to Hyunjin, only to turn to Jisung afterward.

No one knew. Not really. Realistically, Seungmin must've guessed. But Jisung never said it with so many words. He never felt the need.

‘Cool,’ said Jeongin eventually. ‘Makes it easier to pick a song.’

‘I-I don’t want to sing.’

‘You will.’

‘Jeongin-’

‘I’ll sing!’ said Felix loudly, suddenly getting up and going to Jeongin to pick the song. He truly was Jisung’s guardian angel.

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ asked Minho when he sat next to Jisung, a few minutes later. Felix and Changbin were already filling the room with their singing.

It was such a loaded question. Jisung almost wanted to laugh at it. He could say it was because Minho drifted from him as if their friendship had meant nothing. He could say it was because Minho barely made conversation and barely answered his messages. He could say it was because Minho didn’t tell him either that he was bisexual, and he had to find out through Seungmin. Jisung could throw on his face how all the reasons he wasn’t his best friend anymore were the same reasons why he hadn’t known.

But that wasn’t the entire truth. The truth was that Jisung had been terrified that telling him would mean Minho figuring out the feelings he used to have. Minho had never led him to believe he would be anything but accepting, but the idea of Minho putting the pieces together was it was still terrifying to Jisung. For a long time, his sexuality felt like a burden, a weight he had to carry because he had to explain himself. So he made it something to be just for him, just for Hyunjin, and just for Felix. When it stopped feeling like a burden, Minho was nowhere to be found.

‘I’m sorry I made you feel you couldn’t tell me,’ said Minho with a softer smile. ‘I guess back in high school, it was difficult. I kind of assumed back then, and even more when we saw each other again, but you didn’t say anything, and I didn’t want to push you, I just… Yeah. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you in that aspect in high school.’

Jisung blinked. ‘I-I didn’t… It was after high school.’

Minho frowned. ‘Oh… Okay… How did...’ Minho blinked. ‘How did Hyunjin know then?’

Jisung looked at Hyunjin on the other side of the room, who was looking at them too, and then he looked back at Minho. He now understood what Minho’s question really meant.

But Jisung shrugged. ‘I don’t know. Vibes, I guess? I don’t give off very straight.’

Minho smiled, amused. ‘Yeah, Jeongin’s gaydar is broken. No wonder he can’t get a date.’

Jisung forced a laugh and then took a careful look at Minho. This wasn’t the Minho he had met in high school, but it wasn’t the Minho from back in London either. This Minho was kind, direct, uncomplicated, and everything Jisung had always known he would be. He just came in too late. Or maybe they were never meant to be.

‘She’s lucky,’ he whispered.

Minho frowned. ‘Who?’

‘Your fiancé.’

‘Oh,’ said Minho quickly. ‘It’s a he.’

Jisung blinked and nodded. ‘Well, he is lucky.’

Not telling Minho about his sexuality hadn’t changed a thing. Minho had probably always known. They both just didn’t know any better back then.

Jisung looked back at the spot where Hyunjin had been sitting and found it empty. And that hurt more than when Minho got up and walked away from him.

* * *

Felix’s lips tasted like candy. Jisung hadn’t expected anything else. This wasn’t the sweetness of the cosmopolitan he had drunk earlier, this was just the way Felix’s lips felt on Jisung’s as they sat on the floor of their friend’s bathroom.

It seemed inevitable. Jisung had found something in Felix that he had never found anywhere else. Maybe it was because they both sucked at analyzing Shakespeare’s plays, and it felt too ironic when they both had chosen to move to England. Or maybe it was because they were outsiders, both South Korean, in their own different, non-traditional way. Felix understood things in Jisung that Jisung himself didn’t understand, and it went the other way around, too.

It seemed inevitable that when they had drunk too much, when it was Hyunjin’s birthday, and Jisung got sad over not being able to make it better for him, they would try it. Because it made sense. They fit like two pieces of a puzzle. Everyone said they would be perfect together. Everyone asked why it wasn’t a thing and how it hadn't happened yet. Jisung never had a proper answer. When it came to it, he did love Felix, he did see himself living the rest of his life next to him. So he tried, maybe to unlock something that had been hidden inside him this entire time.

It didn’t.

Felix laughed against his lips, and Jisung laughed too, because there was nothing else to say.

‘Yeah, no,’ said Felix, scrunching his nose before going back to his drink.

‘I’m a bad kisser, that’s it?’ asked Jisung, pretending to be offended.

‘You’re the best kisser ever,’ said Felix, and turned to Jisung with a smile. ‘You’re just not my kisser.’

‘Whatever that means,’ snorted Jisung.

They stayed there for a long time, letting the alcohol fade in their blood and the conversation flow - from the price of the ramen to the reason human beings were put on this earth. Felix believed there was a divine reason. Jisung believed there was no reason, there were no exceptions, there was nothing great about them. Felix believed the ramen was too expensive in the store next to campus. Jisung believed it was more expensive in the store next to his apartment.

And as the conversation flew, Jisung felt a ball of anxiety grow in his stomach. It resembled the feeling he used to have as a child when he had forgotten to do his homework and had to face a teacher he was scared of. It resembled the feeling he got when he finished his dad’s entire vodka bottle and lied about not knowing what had happened to it. It was guilt. The worst kind.

He didn’t know why. Maybe drunk remorse. Maybe something deeper. But he found himself checking his phone continuously every few seconds, waiting for something but he didn’t know what - he usually was always waiting for Hyunjin though.

‘All good?’ asked Felix suddenly.

Jisung turned to Felix and shook his head. ‘It’s nothing, I’m waiting for Hyunjin to wake up. It’s his birthday.’

It was a lie - at least half of one. Jisung had sent a message at midnight in South Korea, but he wasn’t sure Hyunjin had seen it. Hyunjin had been exhausted lately, trying to go back to school, getting a part-time job, after quitting the last one, but also taking care of his grandmother, visiting her at the hospital, and bringing her flowers almost every day. It was bad, Jisung knew it was. She didn’t have much time left.

‘We should ask everyone to sing him happy birthday in a voice note!’ said Felix, suddenly getting up. ‘I’m sure it’ll cheer him up!’

Before Jisung could argue, Felix was out of the bathroom and telling everyone about it. And everyone was enthusiastic because everyone knew who Hyunjin was and, most importantly, everyone was drunk. So Jisung took a gulp of his drink, pressed on record, and everyone sang happy birthday at the top of their very drunk lungs, and Jisung let the words “happy birthday, babe, I love you” slip at the end of the voice note, quieter, for no one else to hear, only everyone heard and moved on.

It was only a few minutes later that Jisung felt the vibration of his phone he had put back in his pocket. He ran out of the apartment as soon as he saw Hyunjin’s name on the screen. For a March night, it was still cold, but Jisung didn’t care to stop for his jacket. He could take it.

‘Hey!’ said Jisung way too loudly. ‘Happy birthday!’

Hyunjin’s giggle on the other side of the phone calmed down Jisung’s guilt for a moment.

‘You went out?’

Jisung hummed. ‘Just a house party.’

‘Sounds like fun. Thank you for that, it made me happy.’

Jisung bit his lower lip. ‘Wish you were here. I could give you some chocolate.’ He paused. ‘I can’t take credit, though, it was Felix’s idea.’

‘Still. Thank you.’

Jisung swallowed hard. ‘I-I kissed him, by the way. Felix, I mean;’

He wasn’t sure why he was telling him, why it felt like such a burden when it had meant nothing. But Hyunjin was always the first person he told whenever anything happened to him. For some reason, when it came to this, it felt wrong for Hyunjin to know. Telling him was the only way Jisung found to make it feel normal.

‘Oh,’ said Hyunjin on the other end. ‘Didn’t know you guys were into each other like that.’

Jisung closed his eyes. ‘We’re not.’ He cleared his throat. ‘We were drunk, and it was dumb, and it didn’t mean anything. I don’t think it’s even relevant, but it feels weird not to tell you because I tell you everything, but maybe this wasn’t worth telling you. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. Sorry.’

Hyunjin laughed softly. ‘You can always tell me whatever you want, Jisung. Or not. It’s up to you.’

‘Right,’ whispered Jisung, the guilt being replaced with something new. It felt like when he thought he had done great on an exam but got an awful grade. It felt like when his parents forgot to pick him up. Disappointment. The worst kind.

‘I went to see her yesterday,’ said Hyunjin. ‘I knew I wouldn’t have time today, so I… Yeah.’ Jisung thought about asking how she was doing, but he figured Hyunjin needed time to put the words together. ‘She’s not doing great. I mean, we already knew, but… Yeah, I think she only has a few days left,’ added Hyunjin in a tiny voice. ‘She’s on morphine now, so she’s not in pain, at least, but… Well.’

‘I’m so sorry, Hyunjin,’ said Jisung softly, knowing his words would never be enough. Words didn’t count much for Jisung anymore. ‘I’m genuinely so sorry. You’re the last person to deserve this.’

‘Well, it’s happening to her, it’s not-’

‘It’s happening to you too,’ said Jisung quickly.

There was a long silence where Jisung could only hear Hyunjin’s breathing on the other end of the line. Jisung wished he could reach through the phone. Jisung wished he could do anything, switch his life for Hyunjin’s grandmother, just so that he would have her, the most important person in his life.

‘I went to church,’ said Hyunjin, followed by a soft laugh. ‘Isn’t that funny? I didn’t even think about it, and I just found myself there. I just felt like I needed it, you know?’

Jisung didn’t know. He had never thought Hyunjin would know either, because they used to laugh at how Hyunjin kept the queer books Jisung recommended him right next to his grandmother’s Bible. But Jisung did remember when his own grandmother had died, how his mother had told him she believed people went to heaven if that was what they believed in. So in a way, even though he didn’t know, he understood.

‘T-That’s valid… I think… Spirituality really helps. If that’s what you need, right now.’ Jisung paused. ‘I’m glad it did you good.’

‘It did. It kind of just… Called me. I think she would’ve liked me to go.’

Hyunjin’s grandmother would’ve liked a lot of things for her grandson. She would’ve liked for him to finish school and get a stable job, for him to believe in God, for him to marry a woman, for him to build a home. But more than anything, Hyunjin’s grandmother had wanted happiness and health for her grandson. Jisung thought Hyunjin lost sight of that at times. This wasn’t the time to remind him. Jisung didn’t understand religion, but he also didn’t understand a grief of this magnitude. More than anything, Jisung was a coward who also only wanted Hyunjin to be happy and healthy.

* * *

Jisung waited a few minutes. He tried not to look so hard at the seat left vacant on the other side of the room. He waited until he was done with his beer, he waited until Minho was sitting somewhere else, he waited until the song was over, and then the next one and the next one. Jisung waited for such a long time that Hyunjin eventually did come back on his own in the room, talked to Seungmin, smiled at Seungmin, but didn’t look back at Jisung again.

This wasn’t easy. Jisung wasn’t sure why he had ever thought it would be. A long time had passed, yet not long enough. Jisung wasn’t sure it would ever be long enough. Time healed wounds, they said. Jisung did believe it. Time had healed the wound wearing Minho’s name. But sometimes, you couldn’t live enough years to heal too deep a wound.

Jisung managed to avoid singing their entire time at the noraebang. He was also the first one out of the room, scared that Felix, having drunk too much, would hold him back and beg him to sing.

‘Hey,’ said a voice right behind him when Jisung stepped outside in the cold of the night and waited for everyone on the curb.

Hyunjin was standing next to him, with a soft smile.

‘Hey,’ said Jisung.

Hyunjin looked back at the group, who hadn’t even reached the door yet, and were stuck paying their part of the bill. He looked back at Jisung quietly.

‘Still think you should’ve sang,’ said Hyunjin with a smile.

Jisung shook his head. ‘It’s better this way.’

‘I would’ve loved to hear you sing again.’

The addition of again didn’t fail to send a ringing in Jisung’s ear, but he brushed it off - or tried to.

‘You’re drunk.’

Hyunjin giggled. ‘Barely drank.’

‘Well, I’m too drunk. Thank god for that,’ said Jisung with a giggle, until he realized his words and looked at Hyunjin, who was about to say something. Jisung didn’t give him the chance. ‘Right, sorry, no using the Lord’s name in vain or whatever.’

Jisung regretted the words as soon as they left his lips.

‘Don’t be like that.’

‘Like what?’

‘Mean.’

The loud noise coming from their friends stepping out of the place made them both turn their heads. Hyunjin wasn’t drunk, but Jeongin and Felix certainly were, and they stole everyone’s attention. Almost.

‘How long are you staying?’ asked Hyunjin, turning back to him.

‘Not long,’ said Jisung. ‘Just a couple of days.’

Hyunjin nodded. ‘Do you think we could meet up? For a coffee? Just the two of us?’

‘Hyunjin-’

‘I just want to talk. Like… Really talk. Please.’

Jisung knew he shouldn’t. One thing was for the wound to always be there, a never-fading and forever-aching scar. A whole other thing was to dig in the knife all over again.

‘Okay,’ whispered Jisung.

‘Hey!’ Jisung almost jumped out at the voice of Seungmin coming behind them. ‘All good?’ he asked.

Jisung nodded and put on his best fake smile. ‘Yeah, all good.’

* * *

Everything was always lost. Jisung knew. Everything faded away. Jisung had learned it the hard way, too many times. Nothing was constant. The tide always moved. Hyunjin couldn't be stronger than the tide - nothing and no one was.

Jisung had learned the hard way not to make the people in his life invaluable. He loved them, he adored them, but he always knew they weren’t forever, even if his feelings for them would be. Jisung picked up every single thing that touched his life and made it a part of him, because if he waited for only constants to become part of him, he would be an empty shell. Yet Jisung had never met in his life someone whose love felt like oxygen in his lungs. He had never felt like someone’s presence in his life was more than an accessory to wear forever, but rather an extension of himself.

Until Hyunjin.

But Hyunjin loved things for a second, maybe two. Everything he loved, he would share with Jisung, he would let it consume him for a few weeks, a few months, and then never talk about it again.

Jisung loved things for a decade, maybe two. Everything Hyunjin shared with him, Jisung lost himself in, making it another part of his core personality. He cared to connect with Hyunjin, he cared to understand every aspect of Hyunjin.

And when Hyunjin moved on, Jisung stuck. Never moved. Every piece of Hyunjin was never lost, it lived in Jisung. Jisung was merely a collection of what Hyunjin had once loved and didn’t love anymore.

The realization that he needed Hyunjin as much as the air he breathed hit one summer day, and it took over his body like an illness. So Jisung ignored the messages for a day, a week. He thought that if he put a barrier between them, things would go back to normal. They didn’t. It felt like something was burning from inside him every second of the day.

Jisung never understood what it truly meant to miss someone until Hyunjin.

And one day, he let the phone ring.

‘Hey,’ the voice on the other end of the line sounded soft. Jisung hadn’t checked the time, but it was late in Korea.

‘H-Hey,’ answered Jisung. ‘Sorry to call like this.’

‘Are you okay?’ asked Hyunjin. ‘You know I’m here if you need to ta-’

‘I’m okay,’ said Jisung quickly, to put his mind at ease. ‘Just life has been… Sucky.’

‘Yeah…’ Hyunjin said under his breath. ‘I know.’

Jisung closed his eyes and inhaled the fresh air of the park. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t answer.’

‘That’s okay, babe. You were busy.’

‘Yeah…’ whispered Jisung, but it wasn’t true. So he told him the entire truth, at least the part he wanted to share, and the silence that followed was so long that Jisung thought he had scared of Hyunjin.

‘Sucks for you,’ said Hyunjin eventually. ‘You’re kinda stuck with me at this point, sorry. I don’t have another friend like you, so…’ He trailed off.

Jisung laughed softly. ‘I love you, Hyunjin. To the moon and back.’

Maybe he meant it in more than one way.

‘Love you too, babe. I will always love you.’

Hyunjin definitely meant it in only one way.

* * *

There was a lot of Seoul that Jisung didn’t know. He didn’t know this place because Hyunjin was the one who picked the café. It was near Jisung’s hotel, so it worked out for him. He debated for a long time whether to go. Felix offered to go with him, he even offered to sit at a table on the other side of the place or to wait for him outside. But Jisung refused because he had to do this alone, and Felix had come here to see his family, he wasn’t going to take that away from him.

The café looked new. It was probably one of those new places Jisung couldn’t point out, which made him feel slightly better about not knowing about it. The other thing he didn't know was why he was here. But there was nothing to lose when he had already lost Hyunjin.

Still, he had to take a breather when he opened the café’s door, and he saw Hyunjin waiting at a table near the window.

‘I got you an iced Americano,’ said Hyunjin with a smile when Jisung reached his table. ‘Still your favorite?’

Jisung nodded quietly. He regretted not having grabbed a drink before coming here. He wasn’t sure what was worse, being drunk or sober. Earlier, he had figured that he had done the drunk version already. He might as well do the sober version.

The waiter arrived not long after with their drinks, and Jisung stayed quiet before tasting his iced Americano. It tasted better here than it ever did in England. It was one of the many things he missed about this place.

‘So,’ trailed off Hyunjin. ‘Thought it would be good to talk just the two of us, without everyone else around.’

Jisung pressed his lips together. ‘I-I mean, I don’t really know what there is to talk about, Hyunjin.’

‘What happened,’ started Hyunjin carefully. ‘Between us. I mean, you’re here now, and I just… Not addressing it, that’s… I don’t know. It feels weird.’

Jisung looked down at his iced Americano. ‘Well, we grew out of each other.’

Hyunjin stayed quiet before he nodded. ‘Yeah, we did.’ He paused. ‘But it always felt unresolved to me.’

Because it had been. Jisung never said the things he had on his heart. Not really.

‘Listen,’ said Hyunjin, clearing his throat. ‘There’s been some stuff I never knew how to talk to you about, even back then. There were so many changes in my life, and it was difficult for me to explain them to you when you weren’t here. I was in such a bad place, too, that I couldn’t see straight. And afterward… There were so many times I wanted to reach out, but I never felt like I could. Things have changed since the last time we talked, and I want you to know about it. It’s important to me because I know… I know I fucked up.’ Hyunjin stopped to look at Jisung as if waiting for him to say something, but Jisung didn’t have words for any of this, only fear and heartbreak. ‘The things I said… It was wrong. And I lied to you and to myself. But… I met someone after you… Left.’

‘I didn’t leave.’ Jisung could at least find those words.

‘You’re the one who stopped replying.’

‘What was I supposed to do? Keep doing CPR on a dead body?’ Jisung felt his body shivering. ‘You didn’t like me anymore.’

‘That’s not true. I loved you.’

‘That’s not the same as liking. Maybe I didn’t like you much anymore either.’

The confession left his lips before he could think about it. It wasn’t a new thought, he wasn’t sure it was a true thought either, but he definitely had never said it out loud, out of pain or shame.

‘I don’t blame you for that.’ Hyunjin said quietly. ‘I was in a gutter, Jisung. I went from a dark, horrible place where I couldn’t see a way out, to… My life changing, seeing hope, but it took so much from me. It’s not the same anymore. I’ve found a balance, and I’ve found myself. I met people, good people, and I… I met someone. And it kind of became impossible to ignore who I was.’

Jisung blinked, hit with the realization. ‘You met a guy?’ he asked under his breath.

Hyunjin nodded. ‘Yeah… He really changed things for me.’

‘The one with the paintings?’

Hyunjin nodded again. ‘We dated for a while. I met him at church, but his view was so different, and he met me halfway, you know? He had such a special relationship with God, like me. He simply understood me, and he helped me see things differently. It didn’t have to be one thing or the other. It could be both. And all I’ve been thinking this whole time is how sorry I am.’

Jisung felt the world shattering around him. It didn’t matter how good the iced Americano was or the words that would come out of Hyunjin’s mouth, he needed out. He couldn’t sit there and listen to this.

‘I-I have to go,’ said Jisung, getting up.

‘Jisung, please. Just-’

‘I’m sorry,’ said Jisung instead of listening to him. ‘I’m happy for you, I really am, but I just can’t… I can’t listen to this. I can’t be here.’

It turned out you could lose someone more than once, by reliving the loss and the grief. Jisung had never stopped grieving Hyunjin, no matter how much he tried to.

* * *

Hyunjin went to church every day now. Hyunjin talked about God every day now. Jisung tried to be supportive. He tried to understand this new interest Hyunjin had and treat it like all the ones he had before. But this wasn't as easy as a band, or a book, or a new hobby. This was a whole other world.

Jisung had always thought of himself as someone open-minded, but he found himself waiting for it to fade away like all the other ones. It turned out, for the first time, Hyunjin didn’t grow out of it, and Jisung wasn’t open-minded. Not when it came to this. Not when every conversation they had turned to God. Not when Jisung couldn’t talk about his frustrations about trying to get work, feeling stuck and behind, without Hyunjin telling him he simply had to find God. Jisung didn’t need God. He needed his best friend.

They didn’t talk about it. Jisung kept trying, and he knew Hyunjin was trying to find a middle point too. Sometimes, trying was simply not enough. Even more often, when neither wanted to sacrifice what they wanted, it could never be enough.

And yet, when Hyunjin told Jisung he had gotten baptized, Jisung congratulated him.

‘It felt very healing,’ said Hyunjin. ‘I feel like a new person.’

They hadn’t had time to call each other for a few weeks. Jisung had avoided it, but he didn’t want to admit it to himself. Now it was New Year's, Jisung had drunk a couple of glasses of Champagne and had found the courage to make the call. It was already a new year in Korea by the time he called Hyunjin, Jisung was still in the past.

‘That sounds great,’ said Jisung, sitting on a bench outside the place where they were celebrating the New Year. ‘When are you doing the first communion then?’ This was him trying, he told himself.

‘Oh, I’m not doing that. It’s for Catholics.’

Jisung blinked. ‘I’m not sure I know the difference, sorry.’

‘That’s okay, Sungie,’ said Hyunjin. ‘I just want to have a relationship with God. Maybe eventually I’ll do it, but for now, I think the next thing will be my wedding.’

There was one thing Jisung hadn’t wanted to face when it came to Hyunjin and religion. A question that roamed in his mind and he never dared to ask, because he was too scared of the answer. But it was about to be New Year's, and Jisung had Champagne in his blood, and he knew that dragging it longer would make the wound bleed more once it inevitably opened.

‘C-Could you do that? Get married at a church? Like…’ Jisung paused. ‘Marry a guy?’

Jisung closed his eyes when he heard Hyunjin’s soft giggle.

‘Well, no. I wouldn’t marry a guy. I follow God’s words.’

Jisung swallowed. ‘Care to explain?’

‘According to God, marriage should be between a man and a woman, and I follow His words. God gave me another chance at life, and I’ll do everything to repay him for that.’ Hyunjin paused. ‘I don’t think I ever liked men, if I'm being honest. If I did, it’s like a past self but… I think before I was just trying to fit in, to find an answer where it wasn’t, you know? I feel like I was performing it. I feel like I’ve found my real self thanks to God.’

This wasn’t finding himself, Jisung wanted to say. This was seamlessly blending into a group of people with no identity and losing himself in the crowd in an effort to protect himself from the pain of real life. That had never been Hyunjin. Hyunjin had always been different, unique, outspoken, and unapologetically himself. But all those words got stuck in Jisung’s throat.

‘So everything you were before was… Wrong?’ asked Jisung instead.

Hyunjin took a long breath. ‘I was going to kill myself, Jisung. Do you understand that? I lost everything, and I was lost. I was so depressed, and I didn’t see the way out. God spoke to me. He showed me the way.’

‘I get that,’ said Jisung, repressing the pain in his chest. ‘But why does it have to change you?’

Hyunjin snored. ‘Yeah, I changed! That’s a good thing. I was miserable and so stuck because of things that didn’t matter. Now I know I need to live my life to serve Him because He showed me the way out.’

‘If He says it’s a man and a woman…’ whispered Jisung. ‘Where does that leave me for you?’

‘What do you mean? You do you.’

‘Do you judge me for loving men?’

‘You’re more than that, Jisung. There’s more to you than just that.’

‘But it’s still me!’ argued Jisung, trying his hardest to keep his voice from breaking. ‘It’s part of me.’

‘And that’s okay. Each person leads the life they want to lead. I choose to lead my life to serve Him.’

‘So what? If I were to love you? Would that be wrong?’

Jisung knew it was wrong to ask that, to confess that way.

He felt powerless.

He had loved. He had been there. He had felt every ounce of it. And still, love had missed him.

‘It’s not for me to say.’

‘That doesn’t mean anything.’

He could hear Hyunjin getting frustrated. ‘God is the only one who can judge us. I’m no one to judge.’

‘Ok, but why is me loving another man something to be judged?’

There was silence on the other end of the line until Hyunjin spoke up again.

‘What do you want me to say, Jisung? I’m pouring my heart out to you about what I’ve been through and how God saved me.’

Jisung wanted support. He wanted Hyunjin to be straightforward and stop hiding behind big words and big ideas that Jisung couldn’t refute because he didn’t know anything about them. He wanted to hear that Hyunjin still supported him, that there was nothing wrong with the way he loved people, and that he still wanted him the way he was. But more than anything, Jisung realized with the most horrible pain in his chest, that what he wanted to hear the most was that Hyunjin loved him back.

Jisung closed his eyes, let the tears fall quietly, and controlled his breathing.

‘Nothing. You’re right.’

‘You’ve been my friend for so long, Jisung. I don’t want to lose you.’

Jisung nodded. ‘Me neither. I’m glad you’ve found happiness in religion, Hyunjin. I’m so glad you’re alive.’

‘I hope you’re able to find the same salvation one day, Jisung. I pray for you a lot,’ said Hyunjin.

Jisung closed his eyes and nodded, the tears now quietly rolling down his face at a pace he couldn’t control.

‘I have to go. It’s almost midnight.’

‘Okay. Happy New Year, Jisung.’

‘Happy New Year, Hyunjin,’ said Jisung. ‘I love you,’ Jisung added in a whisper, and he hung up before he could hear Hyunjin not say it back.

He put his hand over his mouth to muffle the sound, but he could hear how he sounded like a wounded animal. It was ugly and loud, and it felt like he was dying. The fireworks to celebrate the New Year went off at the same time. His heart had broken into a million pieces, but a new life was awaiting him. One he once thought impossible. One without Hyunjin.

* * *

Hyunjin ran after him, but Jisung didn’t stop or even slow down. He walked as fast as he could, trying to remember his way back to the hotel. He should’ve listened to Felix and let him be there for him, instead of being on the other side of the city visiting his family. All Jisung would find now was an empty hotel room.

‘Jisung! Wait!’

Jisung didn’t wait. His head was going through all the conversations they should have had back then, all the things he should say now. Things like I loved you, I cared for you, you were the most important part of my life. Things like you broke me, I'm mad at you, I still love you.

‘Please!’ said Hyunjin, and his voice broke.

Jisung could hold on to only so much. Sometimes he let things go. Sometimes he did actually say things.

‘Why couldn’t it be me!?’ he half screamed, turning around quickly. ‘Why wasn’t I enough to take you out of there? Why couldn’t I make you realize you did like boys and that all you said was bullshit? You were mean, and you broke my heart. That’s the treatment I got. Meanwhile, he arrives like a fucking guardian angel, and that’s it? After years, is that how little I mattered?’

‘Jisung, it wasn’t like that-’

‘Only it was like that, Hyunjin!’

‘You really think it wasn’t you!?’ said Hyunjin, raising his voice. ‘You really think losing you didn’t do anything to me? You stopped talking to me, Jisung, and it wrecked me.’

Jisung closed his eyes and shook his head. ‘But you didn’t try,’ he said quietly, voice breaking. ‘You didn’t reach out, you didn’t try to get me back or talk to me.’

‘You didn’t love me anymore.’

‘You don’t get to say that when-’ Jisung stopped himself for a second. ‘I loved you more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life. I loved you in a way I didn’t even think was possible. You were everything to me. So no, Hyunjin, you don’t fucking get to say that when you’re the one who made me who I am and then turned around and hated me.’

‘I didn’t hate you! How can you-’

‘You told me God or whatever the fuck would judge me! How was I supposed to talk to you after that?’

Hyunjin shook his head. ‘I was in pain, Jisung.’

‘And I wasn’t!?’

‘Do you know how much it hurts when the person you love the most in the world doesn’t like the happiest version of yourself? That they love who you were when you were miserable the most?’

‘It wasn’t like that!’ screamed Jisung. ‘I loved you, through everything, and no one wanted you to be happy more than me. But religion changed you! That’s all you ever talked about, Hyunjin. I was sad and frustrated, and you told me to go to fucking church.’

‘I was trying to help!’

‘I didn’t need help, Hyunjin. I didn’t need you to fix me. I needed you. I followed you on every single thing you liked, and the one fucking time I didn’t, you left me. Maybe I was the one who stopped answering, but you don’t get to pin that on me. You were the one who stopped trying. You didn’t care for what I had to say. What was I supposed to do?’

Hyunjin looked down. ‘I had to live, Jisung. I’m so sorry I hurt you in the midst of that. I’m sorry I said those awful things. But I needed to survive, I needed to live, and faith gave me that. I found a place for me. And yeah, it did a lot of shit to my brain at first, but I met good people eventually and found a way to stay in my religion and love myself, find another meaning to life. I’m not going to apologize for surviving. It’s not that I didn’t care for what you had to say, Jisung, it’s that I couldn’t be what you wanted. You were in pain, but you also never had to struggle with money, knowing where you’ll be spending the night, or losing a parent. You can’t understand. Your pain was too different from mine. You weren’t here. You couldn’t see it.’

‘That’s not fair,’ said Jisung, feeling warm tears on his cheek.

‘Yeah, tell me about it,’ said Hyunjin with a snort. ‘My greatest regret is losing you, Jisung, but… I’m not perfect. You weren’t either.’ Hyunjin pressed his lips. ‘I loved you too, you know.’

Jisung shook his head. ‘Not like I did.’

‘Yeah, like you did.’

‘I would’ve married you, Hyunjin,’ said Jisung, shaking his head faster. ‘I would've burned for you,’ said Jisung, and his voice finally broke.

‘Yeah, I would’ve gone to hell for you,’ said Hyunjin with a slight smile. ‘I still would.’

There were a lot of things that had been left unsaid. There were even more things that had been left undone.

Touching Hyunjin’s hand felt strange. Like reaching through a cinema screen.

Hyunjin’s hands cupping his cheeks felt distant, like watching a play from the nosebleed seats.

But when their lips finally touched, with violence and urgency, for everyone to see, Jisung knew it was real. Finally.

* * *

It used to be in another life, in another universe.

In another life, Jisung and Hyunjin would meet, and they would fall in love, and it would work because they were soulmates and every piece of them fit perfectly. Jisung trusted Hyunjin with his entire heart and Hyunjin shared every piece of him with Jisung. In another life, in another world, in a parallel universe, they would work as something other than just friends. And Jisung was okay with that. It made him sad at times. But it was comforting to know in another life he would be loved by his best friend.

Then it was in this life, if things were different.

In this life, Jisung could’ve stayed in Seoul, he could’ve studied there, and even if Hyunjin had to move away, Jisung would’ve gone to him as much as possible. They would go to the movies on rainy days and to the park on sunny days. They would hold hands, and loving each other would be as easy as breathing.

Eventually, it turned into this life, someday.

Jisung loved Hyunjin. He had fallen in love again, and he didn’t even know how. In this life, eventually, he would go back to Seoul and find what had once been a home and be with Hyunjin. They would live in a shitty apartment and have shitty jobs, but it would be okay because they would be together and fill the streets with new memories. It didn’t matter if it was unrequited love, because they were still meant to be, one or another. Jisung checked plane tickets, he checked jobs offerings, he checked every way he had to move back to Seoul.

But he never quite took the leap.

Because in this life, things weren’t as easy as that. Maybe Jisung didn’t trust enough. Maybe Jisung didn’t love him enough. 

He was left with another life again. In another life, they would’ve made it, Jisung would’ve been enough, there never would’ve been a “too late.” In another life, Hyunjin would’ve loved him back.

Jisung wasn’t living another life. He was living this one.

* * *

Jisung didn’t know a thing about God. He didn’t know anything about heaven and hell.

But he knew it felt like heaven when Hyunjin kissed his neck, slowly dragged his lips to his torso, and eventually kneeled down in front of him, probably experiencing a familiar pain in his knees, only this time he wasn’t praying. Jisung thought he would go to hell when he was on his back on his hotel room bed, limbs intertwined with Hyunjin’s, moaning incomprehensible words.

Jisung did know a thing or two about Dante. He knew about the seven deadly sins and the circles of hell.

Touching Hyunjin like this was lust. Going for a third round was gluttony. It was greed when Jisung held onto him so tightly that no one could ever own him like he had. The tears in Jisung’s eyes were from anger that he couldn’t have Hyunjin. The healed wounds around his wrist came from the times he had tried to believe, to follow him, but had ended up only losing what he had loved the most. When he dug his nails into Hyunjin’s back, when Hyunjin didn’t stop digging into him, and Jisung couldn’t help but swear God’s name, he knew he wouldn’t escape the seventh circle of hell.

The good news was that Jisung wasn’t in any of those circles. They were in the first one. They were stuck in limbo.

By the end of it, Jisung did know that if he were to believe, the only thing he would ever want to pray for would be Hyunjin.

‘So how does this work?’ asked Jisung after giving himself the time to catch his breath in the empty hotel room. ‘Do you go confess sin now?’

Hyunjin rolled his eyes. ‘Not exactly.’ He cleared his throat. ‘Don’t ask if you don’t actually want to know.’

Jisung bit his lip. ‘I did want to know, Hyunjin. I tried, you know. Maybe not hard enough, but I did try. You didn’t let me in either.’

Hyunjin dragged his fingers through Jisung’s hair softly. ‘Maybe it was for the best.’

‘Maybe,’ said Jisung quietly.

‘I’m sorry for the way things went,’ said Hyunjin softly.

Jisung swallowed. ‘Did you know? That I loved you?’ Hyunjin nodded slowly after a moment. ‘Why didn’t you say anything?’

‘What would it have changed? Would you have hopped into a plane? Changed your whole life?’ Hyunjin shrugged. ‘Even if you had, it wasn’t something I wanted for you.’

‘You should’ve given me the choice,’ whispered Jisung.

‘You never told me you loved me either.’

Maybe if Hyunjin had been his first love, and not his second. Maybe if he already didn't have scars all over his chest. Things would've been different.

‘It was good too, don't you think?’ asked Jisung in a whisper. ‘Us.’

‘It was beautiful,’ said Hyunjin with a small nod. ‘The best thing that ever happened to me. Or didn’t, I guess.’

Jisung wanted to hold on to this moment for as long as he could, just like he held on to everything all the time. But it was already slipping through his fingers. Hyunjin could kiss his neck again and whisper sweet nothings in his ear, Jisung knew this moment was already gone.

‘So how does it work?’ asked Hyunjin eventually. ‘Do you just leave?’

Jisung tried to smile.

‘I guess I do.’

* * *

Jisung tried.

Jisung loved for a lifetime, even when it hurt, even when the conversation dragged on and died.

Jisung asked how are you, Hyunjin answered fine. Hyunjin asked what are you up, Jisung answered nothing much.

Jisung said I’m looking for jobs, Hyunjin said I met someone, she’s teaching me guitar. Jisung said I’m moving in with Felix in London, Hyunjin said she’s my girlfriend now.

Jisung said I miss you. Hyunjin said I love you but I don’t know how to talk to you anymore. Jisung didn’t know either. So he let the conversation collect dust.

It was okay if Hyunjin didn’t miss him. Jisung knew he could miss them enough for both of them.

Jisung let go.

* * *

Jisung had learned a lot of things about traveling and moving. The first tip was that it wasn’t hard to pack when you never had unpacked in the first place. Felix took hours to put his things together, Jisung took about 10 minutes. But Felix barely looked back at the room as he walked away, and Jisung lingered for what felt like an eternity. He had learned a lot, but he had never gotten an A on goodbye, even when it came to places.

He felt Felix’s hand on his shoulder, and he turned to him with a smile. Felix didn’t need to ask if he was okay because Jisung already knew he was asking it. So he nodded softly. He wasn’t okay. But he would be. Eventually.

The streets were the same, but they felt different to Jisung. They weren’t filled with what had been. They were filled with what it could’ve been. Jisung could’ve moved here, he could’ve worked at a bookstore, and Hyunjin could’ve been a doctor; they could’ve been happy together. Or maybe Jisung would’ve moved, and they would’ve never seen each other, and Hyunjin would’ve still slipped away.

There was no use imagining another life, and now Jisung knew it.

‘You love it here, don’t you?’ asked Felix when they were sitting at the back of the taxi taking them to the airport.

Jisung nodded. ‘Closest place that ever felt like home.’

‘Our apartment isn’t too bad.’

Jisung shook his head with a slight smile. ‘I love our apartment.’

Felix smiled. ‘Why did you leave then? I mean, I understand your parents and everything, but you could’ve stayed, right?’

‘I guess,’ said Jisung under his breath. ‘I was supposed to find greater things, though.’

‘Did you?’

Jisung smiled and reached for Felix’s hand. ‘I found you, didn’t I?’

Jisung grew up moving around, trying to find a purpose and a way to feel grateful for it. He learned many things from it, but it took him years to learn that sometimes there were no greater things.

‘Would you come back now?’ asked Felix.

Jisung remained quiet for a moment. ‘I haven’t thought about it in a long time. Everything is in London, isn’t it?’

Once Hyunjin faded away from his life, the idea of coming back never crossed his mind. Even if he had memories in this place, it had become synonymous with the life he never had and the antithesis of a future.

‘I would live here,’ said Felix. ‘If you decided to move back, I mean.’

Jisung had wondered for a long time why his life had turned out the way it did. He could blame himself for not being good enough or not confident enough. He could blame himself for over-correcting and thinking that if he only stayed in one place enough, he would finally be happy. He could blame Minho for breaking his heart and breaking him. He could blame his parents for never giving him a stable home, a place to belong, or a reason to do something of himself. He could blame the system, capitalism, imperialism, society, and every big name in the dictionary.

But there wasn’t a big reason for the way Jisung’s life turned out. Life simply happened while Jisung waited for the greater things everyone told him about growing up. It happened when Jisung met Felix. It happened when he had his first love and first heartbreak. It happened when he watched Grey’s Anatomy with Hyunjin. It happened when he stayed up to talk to Hyunjin. It happened when he loved in a way he never thought possible. It happened when Jisung lost people and places, and met new people to make a small part of him.

God wasn’t to blame, either. There was no blame to be had. It was a pretty good life.

* * *

‘I got you something.’

Jisung was startled by Minho’s voice. He turned around to check if it was indeed him, because after the pictures, they had barely spoken all evening. Minho had been too busy with his more important friends. But there he was standing, beautiful as ever, with a smile that made Jisung melt. It felt safe, but Jisung kept wondering why; it shouldn’t. Someone who seemed to prefer everyone else but him shouldn’t be safe. Jisung should run away.

But he didn’t.

Instead, he smiled, because now Minho’s smile was for him and no one else.

‘Oh really?’

Minho hummed and got out of his pocket a necklace with a pendant in the shape of a G-clef dangling from it.

‘Made me think of you,’ said Minho. ‘You really thought I would let you go to the other side of the world without a gift?’

Jisung blinked at the necklace. There was nothing special about it, and yet it felt like the most thoughtful gift anyone had ever given him. It was music, but it was also Minho.

Minho made a sign for him to turn around, so Jisung did. Minho put the necklace carefully around his neck, and when Jisung faced him again, he smiled.

‘Perfect,’ whispered Minho. ‘You look good today.’

It stung in a strange way, but Jisung smiled. ‘Thank you.’

‘You can never say I’m a bad friend again.’

Jisung rolled his eyes.

‘We’ll talk, right?’

Minho shrugged but nodded at the same time. ‘You shouldn’t worry about those things, yeah? It’ll happen naturally if it's meant to.’

Jisung nodded and looked down at the necklace around his neck. He smiled. It was something to remember Minho forever, and that had to mean something.

It took five years for Jisung to take off the necklace.

‘Nice necklace.’

Minho had walked away, and now Hyunjin was standing in his place.

‘A gift from Minho.’

‘What did you get him?’

‘Nothing,’ said Jisung, ashamed.

Hyunjin smiled. ‘Damn, you’re a bad friend.’

‘I’m not!’

‘Good friends keep their promises, Han Jisung. Do you?’

Jisung laughed. ‘I feel like you’re accusing me of something I haven’t even done yet. These are baseless accusations.’

Hyunjin shrugged. ‘Prove me wrong then,’ he said as he took a step back and turned around, walking towards the rest of the group.

Jisung snorted to himself before taking his phone from his pocket, selecting Hyunjin’s empty chat, typing a simple ‘hey’ and pressing send.

Jisung had to wait only a few instant before Hyunjin turned around.

‘Told you,’ said Jisung loudly to reach Hyunjin’s ears.

‘Doesn’t count!’ said Hyunjin even louder. People were looking at them. Jisung didn’t care because he couldn’t help but laugh. ‘I’ll be waiting for you, Han Jisung!’

It took ten years for Jisung to see Hyunjin again.

* * *

Jisung hated the rain, it didn't matter in which country he was. London took first place as his most hated place under the rain, mainly due to how often it happened. But Seoul wasn’t great either. Cars splashing people on the street, pedestrians mindlessly knocking their umbrellas into other people, the subway getting more crowded and dirtier than usual. Jisung still went out of his apartment, holding his paper invitation so tight in his coat pocket, so scared that the rain would ruin it, that he ruined it himself.

It wasn’t an easy place to find, especially in the rain, but once he got there, it felt right. Jisung strangely found comfort in the warmth of a place that was way too fancy for someone wearing only a thick coat and an old hoodie, with pants completely drenched. He was asked for his invitation, and he gave it very proudly, a now crumpled-up white invitation with golden letters at the top and handwritten in black ink: “Han Jisung.” He wondered if everyone had gotten one just like his. He liked to think they hadn’t.

He grabbed a champagne glass from one of the waiters and tried to make his way through the crowd as discreetly as possible, all while paying attention to every single painting on the walls - the colors, the shapes, the materials. Jisung was sure there was something meaningful there, but he had always been better at understanding music than paintings.

‘Jisung?’

Jisung turned around as he felt someone putting their hand on his shoulder. He was surprised to find Seungmin in front of him.

‘Hey!’ said Seungmin, enthusiastically.

Jisung tried to be as enthusiastic with his “hey,” but it fell flat because reality was setting in that he wasn’t that special. Seungmin probably had also gotten a white invitation card with golden lettering and his name handwritten in black ink. Seungmin had probably been confident enough not to crumple it up like Jisung had.

‘What are you doing here?’

‘Oh, got invited.’

Seungmin laughed. ‘I mean in Seoul.’

‘Oh! I live here now,’ said Jisung with a nod, proud of himself.

‘Really?’

‘It’s recent.’

‘Did you move for Hyunjin?’

Jisung blinked quickly. The question had fallen so easily from Seungmin's lips that he barely had time to process it.

‘What?’ he mumbled.

Seungmin tilted his head, then shook it. ‘No, nothing, forget I said anything.’

Jisung opened his mouth and closed it. He cleared his throat as he went back to explaining what he was doing here to try to let the awkward moment go.

‘Felix and I just decided it was time for a change, and we wanted to do something different, so… We decided to move here. I had money aside, and we’re opening a coffee place, a library type of thing. We’ve been setting it up for a few months. Felix doesn’t like coffee, but he likes talking to people and baking, and I love coffee and books, so it works.’

Seungmin smiled. Jisung wanted to believe he was impressed. ‘That sounds amazing. Let me know when it opens. I would love to go.’

Jisung nodded. ‘Of course.’

It took Jisung a lifetime to learn there was value in staying, it took him another lifetime to realize it was still okay to leave. Dreams changed, he had also realized. Jisung had broken dreams, but it didn’t mean he couldn’t have new goals. Jisung could still love music, even if it was on the side. Jisung could still move to Seoul, even if it wasn’t to be with Hyunjin.

Hyunjin’s dreams had changed too, they had taken a different shape. He wasn’t going to travel all over the world, at least not as a doctor. He was painting and getting recognition from it, but he was also starting to work as a nurse soon. He was making something of himself, and Jisung wanted the same for himself, even if the plans didn’t include Hyunjin anymore. As he watched Hyunjin’s paintings all over the walls of this gallery, Jisung knew they both were right where they needed to be.

Jisung didn’t expect to see much of Hyunjin today. He knew how these things went: the artist was there to sell and get contacts, and Jisung was neither a buyer nor a contact. He was here to support, even though, by the looks of the crowd there, it didn’t look like Hyunjin needed much of that.

Still, when he saw him on the other side of the room, for the first time in over a year, Jisung’s heart skipped a beat. Their eyes met, and Jisung waved slowly. He didn’t expect Hyunjin to wave back because he was surrounded by important people, but he still did.

‘He’s doing great, isn’t he?’

Jisung nodded. ‘Yeah, it’s amazing what he’s been doing.’

‘I didn’t know you guys had gotten close,’ said Seungmin. ‘I’m not sure he invited anyone else from High School.’

‘I mean… Yeah, we’re friends,’ said Jisung with a slight smile. That’s what they were. They messaged now and then, and Hyunjin had been the happiest to hear about Jisung coming back to Seoul. But Hyunjin was busy, and so was Jisung, so they hadn't had the chance to see each other in the past few months Jisung had spent in Seoul. They couldn’t stop everything for the other, and they didn’t want to ask that of each other.

‘Oh, okay,’ said Seungmin. Jisung thought he heard disappointment in his voice.

In over ten years, Jisung had barely been in a room with Hyunjin, but every room was inhabited by him. This place felt just like that. It felt like Hyunjin’s presence was all around him, but physical, finally. It was overwhelming to see his darkest thoughts and his brightest ideas all put on canvases to be sold. To Jisung, this was not for sale. This was to be kept forever. Just for him. It was selfish to want a bright person like Hyunjin all to himself. Jisung couldn’t help it. But he also couldn’t wish anything better for anyone than a piece of Hwang Hyunjin in their life. One way or another, Jisung had gotten the whole thing even for just a moment.

Jisung continued to walk through the gallery after Seungmin had to leave, paying attention to every detail of the paintings, until he found himself in front of a large painting of shades of blue. It was abstract, but Jisung could see two shapes coming together, crashing, and creating new shades of blue and gray when they were apart. The shades of blue made it so hypnotic, and the few white points made it so bright. Jisung didn’t know about art, but he knew this one made him a special kind of sad.

‘You like it?’

Jisung looked at Hyunjin walking to him, and he nodded.

‘It’s beautiful.’ He paused. ‘I mean, they’re all great. This might be my favorite, though.’

Hyunjin smiled. ‘Thank you for coming.’

‘Well, thank you for inviting me.’

Jisung’s look lingered on Hyunjin too long. He had to take a step back because this wasn’t the place or the time. This was Hyunjin’s moment. He distracted himself by going to the card next to the painting. This one didn’t have an explanation of its intentions, unlike some of the others that exemplified the pain of grief and the inner struggles of religion. It didn’t show the year either. This one only had the materials, dimensions, and name written on it.

One.

Jisung frowned and took a step back to stand next to Hyunjin again, and look at the painting again.

Jisung turned to Hyunjin, tilting his head. ‘So where’s two?’

Hyunjin shook his head slowly. ‘There’s just one.’

Hyunjin looked at Jisung quietly, and Jisung wasn’t able to hold the stare, so he looked back at the painting. The shades of blue, the shapes colliding, creating more pain but maybe more color too, only to get away and get back together. He felt his eyes filling with tears.

Tears were a lot like rain. Jisung didn’t hate tears. Not tears like these, at least.

He let his hand fall on his side, and he let Hyunjin approach his fingers, letting them touch slightly, only for them to notice.

It used to be in another life, in another universe.

It used to be in this life, if things were different.

It used to be in this life, someday.

It was in this life. Maybe today.