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It started because Hermione Granger insisted on "Muggle studies integration" post-war. She brought a laptop into the Gryffindor common room, bypassed the magical interference with a clever runic matrix, and booted up Facebook.
Bellatrix Lestrange, currently under house arrest and deeply bored, happened to sneak a glance over her shoulder.
"What is this glowing mirror, Mudblood?" Bellatrix hissed, her dark curls bouncing. "And why are you staring at a picture of the Weasley boy eating a sandwich?"
"It's called Facebook, Bellatrix," Hermione sighed, rubbing her temples. "It’s a Muggle networking platform. It connects people. You build a profile, add friends, and share updates about your life."
Bellatrix’s eyes narrowed, glinting with a dangerous, chaotic curiosity. "A network... to watch everyone? To track their thoughts? To claim ownership over connections?" She cackled. "Give me one. Create a 'profile' for me."
Reluctantly, wanting to prove Muggle technology wasn't evil, Hermione set her up.
- Name: Bellatrix Lestrange
- Profile Picture: A terrifyingly high-contrast selfie of her snarling at the webcam.
- Bio: Crucio is my love language. Bella’s back, bitches.
Hermione added herself as Bellatrix's first friend to show her how it worked. "See? Now we are digitally connected. But you have to be careful what you click—"
Bellatrix snorted, snatched the laptop, and went hunting through the settings. "What's this? Relationship Status? You belong to someone on this little matrix?"
"No, it's just to show if you're single, married, or—"
Click.
Ten minutes later, Hermione logged back into her own account on her phone. Her screen flashed violently.
🔔 Bellatrix Lestrange updated her relationship status: In a Relationship with Hermione Granger.
Hermione froze. Her blood ran entirely cold. Before she could hit "Deny," Bellatrix had somehow used a dark-magic-infused clicking frenzy to bypass the confirmation stage. It was live. It was public.
And the wizarding world had just discovered social media.
The comment section degenerated into absolute, unadulterated madness within thirty seconds.
Harry Potter: HERMIONE. WHAT IS THIS. ARE YOU UNDER THE IMPERIUS CURSE? TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE I AM ON MY BROOM RIGHT NOW.
Bellatrix Lestrange: Oh, look, the Chosen Boy can type. Cute. I’m taking your little friend, Potter. She has much better bone structure than Voldy anyway.
Harry Potter: DON'T YOU DARE TALK TO ME. HERMIONE DELETE THIS.
Ron Weasley: bloody hell
Ron Weasley: Mione? Is this a joke? Because it’s not funny. I literally just bought you a miniature puffskein for our anniversary.
Bellatrix Lestrange: Your puffskein has been confiscated and fed to a stray werewolf, iccle Ronnie. She’s moving into Malfoy Manor. She likes my library.
Ron Weasley: I'M GOING TO VOMIT
Draco Malfoy: Aunt Bella, please delete this. My mother is hyperventilating into a silk handkerchief. Aunt Bella I swear to God the pureblood society pages are already printing this.
Bellatrix Lestrange: Shut up, Draco, or I’ll change your status to 'In a Relationship with a Hippogriff'.
Draco Malfoy: ...
Lucius Malfoy: Draco, delete your account immediately.
Minerva McGonagall: Miss Granger. I expect a full, written explanation in my office by 8:00 AM tomorrow. And fifty points from Gryffindor for giving me a mild heart palpitation during my evening tea.
Hermione Granger: Professor, I swear it was an accident! She stole my laptop!
Bellatrix Lestrange: Don't apologize to the cat lady, darling. We are changing our cover photo to us kissing in the Department of Mysteries.
Harry Potter: I AM GOING TO KILL HER. I AM ACTUALLY GOING TO KILL HER.
Ginny Weasley: Honestly? Iconic. Distressing, but iconic. Ron is currently crying into a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Hermione Granger: GINNY, NOT HELPING.
Luna Lovegood: I think it's lovely. The Nargles always said you two had a fiery dynamic. I've left a comment on your wall with a recipe for a love-antidote, just in case Bellatrix used a potion or a very sharp knife.
Hermione slammed her laptop shut, her face burning a deep, vibrant crimson. She looked up to see Bellatrix lounging across the sofa, twirling her wand and staring at a smartphone she had somehow purloined from a Muggle-born freshman.
"This is marvelous," Bellatrix purred, her eyes glittering with dark joy. "Look at them scramble. Look at the chaos! Muggle magic is incredibly potent, Granger."
"It's not magic, it's just the internet!" Hermione yelled, completely losing her composure. "And you are ruining my life! Do you know how many owls are currently hitting my window?!"
Outside, a literal swarm of screeching post-owls were slamming against the glass, carrying Howlers from Mrs. Weasley, threat letters from the Ministry, and a very confused bouquet of dark red roses from an anonymous Malfoy account.
Bellatrix just giggled, tapping the screen again. "Oh look. Ronald just changed his status to 'It’s Complicated'. Let’s go leave a mean comment."
The End.