Work Text:
In the ancient days, when the first quiver of speech came to my lips,
I ascended the holy mountain and spoke unto God, saying, “Master,
I am thy slave. Thy hidden will is my law and I shall obey thee
for ever more.”
But God made no answer, and like a mighty tempest passed away.
Walking on the Trailblaze felt liberating.
The Elation was no path of freedom- no, not truly, what freedom could a path eternally conscripted in mindless laughter provide? Aha was as much of a god as much a jester was a valued member of the court- which was to say, that entirely depended on the whims of those around them, with no true fact to back it up.
He's glad, relieved, that he chose to walk away from it all. It was tiring. The Elation hadn't been all that elating, in truth, when he thinks of it now. He's thought that for the longest time, certainly, but it's even more stark of a truth here, at the Astral Express, with the stars outside the train's seemingly never-ending windows their truest companions.
A path that was seemingly never-ending. Isee couldn't stop the grin that seemed to split his face into two.
Well, he'll see about that, wouldnt he?
The challenge, the thrill of seeking an answer set his blood on fire like nothing had for the longest time- and the grin on his face only widened further, somehow. The path before him seemed so clear, clear as the crystal as dear Dolly was so aptly named after- star-silver rail tracks streaking across the cosmos, with the elusive World's End in sight at the very end of it all, Akivili's light brighter, more incandescent than the path, than the stars, than even the promise of the sight of the World's End.
Sure, he wasn't wanted here, even if the others, especially sweet Dolly did seem to take to his jokes well but the Everstride Boots wouldn't have taken him here if it didn't mean something, certainly.
His smile didn't abate further, stuck on a memory from earlier where he had met Akivili, a few days after his boots had landed him at the Astral Express- reportedly the Aeon Themself adored Dolly's singing. It was something so simple, yet so heartfelt, that the Aeon, that God Themself found beauty in something so human, instead of seeking to change it to something that could be laughed at, or trivialized.
Isee had just watched in surprised awe, given his age, he didn't think much could surprise him anymore, but for Akivili, God, to do so, he had just watched with unmuted awe- a fledgling Trailblazer then, and well, he still was a rookie, wasn't he? He had watched as Akivili's form silently appeared- locked eyes with God Themself, for one precious moment.
A moment that'd live with him for the rest of a seemingly unending life.
A crystal-clear, elegantly lovely voice sang of a ballad of a land blessed by moonlight, yet cursed to remain in solitude. And as that faelike voice sang, Isee met the gaze of God.
He had fallen into the very maw of divinity, even dwelled in it and returned to tell the tale- he had heard the laughter of a fallacy of a being considered to be divine, yet neither of these events had ever stirred his heart in such a way way, the way Akivili's very simple gaze had.
To meet the eyes of God like this, was what had rendered Isee able to feel, to feel awe for the first time.
For in that gaze, Isee saw something no one had ever understood- not Bragi, not Dorothy, not the Shepherd, none of them. In that gaze, Isee saw a yearning for the very cosmos themselves, something so primal and intrinsic a part of Isee's very soul, and to see it in God's own gaze...how could it not stir to life a heart that was once on the verge of growing numb to life itself? How could he not feel his very soul light up with something that burned with yearning?
When that lovely song had ended, he found himself approaching the silhouette of God, his tongue quivering behind his lips as if he only just was blessed with the gift of speech, as if he weren't a glib jokester as known to others- he found himself meeting God in the eye once more, and God gazed back, filling Isee with light.
This was God. A figure that seemed naturally capable of pooling the trust of all the Nameless, of all humanity even, if they ever got to gaze at this being.
Isee made an attempt to smile- but he had found he could not. What he had been about to ask- was the very question that fueled his soul.
What answer would God give? He could not help but wonder.
"Why is it that I seek answers, yet all I find is a life full of questions?"
His heart here, had been at a precipice, a precipice between truth and nothingness. He could not embrace nothingness, yet he still feared it- and so he had looked up at God, casual to all others in attendance, but perhaps even then, only God knew the beseeching of his soul, because God had given Their answer without a word.
Akivili thereby, pointed to the distance ahead where nothing appeared to exist, yet where all answers seemed to lie hidden.
And here, with that answer that said nothing yet everything all at once, it was where Isee's beating heart, became a willing follower, willing even to jump into an abyss should Akivili will it, even if not a word fell from Their lips.
And after a thousand years I ascended the holy mountain and again
spoke unto God, saying, “Creator, I am thy creation. Out of clay
hast thou fashioned me and to thee I owe mine all.”
And God made no answer, but like a thousand swift wings passed
away.
Time and time again, he set out with unabashed, renewed hope, joining his fellow Nameless to aid the worlds of the cosmos in crisis.
A hope borne of the Trailblaze, a hope that saw him by Akivili's side, a hope that saw him blossom into a Trailblazer who saw the cosmos with new eyes- instead of the eyes of a jaded fool that found no meaning in the sights of the lost chasing a stolen aftertaste.
He chronicled those worlds' stories, asking for each passerby's tale, charting the stars with an unrestrained wonder- perhaps this was what it meant to remain the joy of childhood even as time marched on to steal one's life with the dagger called age.
He did not think any of it mattered, because with each story he chronicled, all he could think of how the journey they all set out on, promised him that same destination he and God yearned for- the edge of the cosmos, the edge beyond all known things.
"Akivili," he would ask another time later after they had finished traversing Syracuse, one of the very few times he spoke with God. "You were with us the whole journey, weren't you?"
Akivili's form bore amused gentleness, and Isee couldn't help but smile anyway. "What would the conductor say, to you sneaking out like that?"
The following timidly made request, for Isee to not reveal this to the ever-formidable conductor, only had Isee laughing with genuine, true mirth and at the end of his boisterous laughter, he grinned at Akivili, who too bore a effervescent smile, even with the ambiguity of their silhouette.
"All right, all right, I won't tell either dear Dolly or the conductor. I'm yours." Isee says, grin widening as Akivili exaggeratedly expressed relief, causing him to laugh yet again- heart light.
To be as a Trailblazer, to reach for the stars, to be created anew thus- he owed it to God.
And after a thousand years I climbed the holy mountain and spoke
unto God again, saying, “Father, I am thy son. In pity and love
thou hast given me birth, and through love and worship I shall
inherit thy kingdom.”
Isee found himself smiling- unabashedly so, as the others sang with abandon, at the top of their lungs at what seemed to be the end of the cosmos itself, here at the meteor belts of the Celestial Comet System. He had finished his drink- and now sat alone, at peace.
The others could celebrate. He was fine where he was.
There was something fulfilling, having traversed the cosmos to the point the once grandiose, imposing-seeming stars now became tiny dots on a map, each with their own story to tell- it was beautiful, it was simple, watching, traversing star-studded rails that stretches across the cosmos as latitudes and longitudes of connection.
He knew his soul yearned to find the universe's end, that he's been losing sleep, dreaming about the things and answers that could be, but counting all these stars seemed so wonderful, so beautifully simple and majestic all at once.
Here, he felt like he was finally making headway- to finding answers, to doing something that meant having meaning.
Taking another sip, Isee watched in content as the other Trailblazers sang in tandem with Dolly- then catching sight of Akivili, in Their customary garb, that of a train conductor (though significantly less adorable than the actual conductor, that was for sure, Isee thought with a wry chuckle), with golden stars for emblems.
From here, Akivili appeared imposing. Larger than life itself. And life was no small feat for Isee, who had practically lived lives upon lives at this point.
Akivili rarely answered with words- rarely guided, and even in Their silence, guided the Trailblazers to find their truth on their own. But even so, Their answer to Isee all those years ago, their hand pointing to an infinite distance that did not reveal anything but promised answers, that answer had given birth to a new blaze in Isee's very soul, making him what he is today.
Isee couldn't help but wonder, considering he and Akivili were the only ones who did not join the festivities- was Akivili too gazing at that distance that promised answers to the edge of the universe? To whatever laid beyond the constructions of the Paths, to the whims of wasteful divinities?
Akivili then turned to face Isee, who only grinned sheepishly. For a long moment, Akivili's unreadable gaze lingered- before softening, gesturing at Isee to come closer, who was only too happy to do so.
The unspeakably human gesture only made Isee smile as he set aside his mug, far too ready to acquiesce to God and stand by Their side in silence, to gaze at stars that seemed to twinkle with answers.
And yet, the now godless monster who bore the name Isee knew, that back then, he'd always discover that after the danger passed, as these worlds grew accustomed to comfort, they began chasing more thrilling pleasures, reveling in decadence, descending into shameful spectacles.
But Akivili- Akivili had lightened his heart all the same, even as that damning truth threatened to condemn him in the depths of his once-there heart.
And God made no answer, and like the mist that veils the distant
hills he passed away.
In hindsight, the monster who was once named Isee thinks- the dread that had settled in his still-human stomach that fateful day the God of Trailblaze had fallen even as excitement mounted at the thought of reaching the edge of the cosmos. That dread should have been a warning.
That dread had been a warning.
"Akivili?" Isee called out uncertainly, tired, exhausted and fatigued in a way he hadn't felt in years. He really was getting on in his years, he thinks absent, even as he looks around, helpless, uncertain and aggravated.
No answer. That was strange. Akivili answered right away, even if They didn't appear next to you instantly, as long as you called their name.
Dread trickled down Isee's spine- cold, unforgiving and painful. "Akivili?" He calls out again, louder, his steps through the debris growing faster.
"Akivili!" He now shouts, finding himself sprinting, desperate to simply catch sight of the god, panting wildly as his sprints grew faster. "Akivili!"
Still no answer. Isee couldn't bear to think of why Akivili wasn't answering. He had to see Akivili for himself, right now. Only a glimpse. A single sighting. Just to reassure himself.
He didn't care about the damn World's End right now, he just- if only- if only he could catch a sight of Akivili, for a moment, because it couldn't be true, it couldn't be- whatever he was thinking, it was baseless. He knew- he knew, he knew even as a small sort of fear, that even Akivili couldn't pass the cosmos' edge without consequence, but even so, it was Akivili, right? It was Akivili, nothing could happen to Akivili, Akivili was God, nothing could touch God, nothing could happen to God, God was impervious, God was supposed to be impervious, God was supposed to be untouchable, everyone knew this, Isee knew this too, and even then-
Isee finally caught sight of Akivili. And what he caught sight of only caused his heart to sink to an unthinkable depth, one he never thought possible in his long, long life.
That being who yearned to transcend the universe's end just as he, Isee himself always had to this very point, to venture beyond the Paths themselves, just slowly started vanishing from sight, leaving behind nothing but a laughable insignificant small speck of light.
Isee couldn't speak, frozen and paralyzed as he was- only able to watch Akivili's form, the form of God, GodGodGodGod, disappear as if it meant nothing, as if Akivili too was far too insignificant to gaze at the universe's end.
So this was how it was. He didn't register the choked scream that ripped itself from his throat, or the way he ended up falling to his knees- something that never had happened in front of Akivili. For all that Akivili was God, Isee had never seen the need to be physically supplicant, but here, as Akivili fell, leaving behind the Trailblaze and the sick joke that even God was too insignificant to gaze at what laid beyond the universe- Isee knelt, begging for an answer, begging for God to speak, something, anything, just as They always had in Their kindness.
Isee knelt, prayed- but it was of no use.
Because God was now dead.
"What was it all for?" He couldn't help but choke out, wiping the tears from his eyes before he did the one thing seemed cursed to forever do.
He laughed.
He laughed into the endless void, bile rising in his throat, even as words spilled hysterically from his lips in the form of choked-up sobs. "Turns out THEY didn't have the answer either. Turns out this path leads to a dead end. What a sick joke. Absolutely sick!"
God was dead. And Isee was in hell.
Then God leaned over me, and in my ears whispered words of sweetness,
and even as the sea that enfoldeth a brook that runneth down to
her, he enfolded me.
And when I descended to the valleys and the plains God was there
also.
Gold was an iridescent, majestic color that painted the cosmos. Therefore, Asat Pramad was all too content with painting the canvas of the cosmos with it. It was Nanook's own shade, and he was Destruction's very own herald, bearing it.
In a different time, he wielded a brush with myriad colors- Akivili spoke, and even now, it appeared as if Akivili lingered, within each story of each passerby who would soon fall to gold, stories that Asat collected.
But the Akivili he had traveled with had fallen, so, so long ago and therefore that same Akivili no longer spoke, even if Asat's long memory remembered Them.
And just as Akivili had fallen, so had Isee, the moment he fell into the scorching golden blaze of the Warforge, his head that had once upon a time bore brightly lit eyes that had beheld God Themselves, now transmutated to a mere hand that sought to hold and wring the neck of a baseless so-called deity.
Nanook had rose, and now Asat Pramad walked in hell.
But even so, he heard Akivili's voice, echoing from some unseen distance.