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It wasn’t supposed to go like this. He wasn’t supposed to find himself saying those words and meaning them in the way that made him reach inside and take his heart out of the casket it lay in. It wasn’t supposed to end with Hugo fearing seeing Varian’s face contort into a look of betrayal, especially if that dreadful expression was directed at him. And it wasn’t supposed to lead to him sitting alone, head in his hands as he tried to figure out how to get out of the shithole he dug himself in.
It started with an action of concern.
“Yo freckles” Hugo called out as he bent down to meet Varian's eye level, effectively snapping the other boy out of his thoughts. “You in there somewhere?”
“Hugo!” oh yes eheh…sorry just spaced out a little there” Varian replied sheepishly, a slight blush of embarrassment creeping up his cheeks. From the nervous wringing of hands and overall flustered-ness, Hugo called bullshit.
“Cmon, you can’t fuck with me,” The bespectacled boy tried to pry, “You’ve got that broody expression plastered all over your face.” He gestured to Varians' whole face with his fingers and palm, earning himself a playful scoff from the boy, “What's wrong?”
He hesitated slightly, lips pursed together as he silently contemplated on spilling the contents of his mind.
“When this—the trials—are all over, do you think…Hugo, do you think we’ll all still be friends? I mean, we’ve all got responsibilities, lives, people to become,” He curled more into himself as he spoke, now that he’d started, the words tumbled out of his mouth messily right into Hugo's hands. “I just…ugh…we’re so close to the end, and I-I-”
“Hey, hey, stripes” Hugo interrupted before Varian could spiral further, “We’re not all going to just up and leave, you really think Yong is going to leave us alone once he becomes his nation's expert and menace with all things arson? Nuru’s a princess, you’re already friends with one princess, freckles, you’ll see her around. Plus,” Hugo chuckled lightly to himself, “the two of them love you too much not to take every chance to meet you” He rested his hands on Varian's shoulders, he’d taken his gloves off, so the raw physical feeling of Varian and his clothes underneath his palm made him feel terribly exposed.
“And you?”
“And me,” Hugo swallowed. Thoughts ran through his mind, half begging for him to stay quiet or play something off as a poorly crafted joke. The other half knew. He knew what he wanted to say, the only right answer to him, but he didn’t know if he could. Did he have the right? Varian didn’t deserve the weight being rested on his shoulders, or yet another wound to fester and scar when Hugo would be forced to turn away from him.
“dammit, V” yeah fuck it, since when did he care about righteousness “I’m going wherever you’re going,” The words made him want to gouge out his tongue in regret, but they felt so right. Like it sprung from the very foundations of his heart, like it was the first real thing he’d said in a while. He felt more open and vulnerable than before, but happier than ever. He couldn’t let Varian regret hearing these words. He needed to talk to Donella.
“Can you promise me that?”
He was yanked out of his own spiral and thrust into another one. Hugo floundered, trying to make sense of the request Varian had just blurted out. The man hated promises; he would never make them himself, cut you off before you could finish your sentence, and whenever they were brought up his eyes would appear as if some broken, old memory or thought was playing behind them. Nuru, Yong and Hugo never brought it up—they could all infer it wasn’t something he wanted to clarify.
This time, however, his eyes remained clear and fixed upon Hugo's own green ones, the eye contact was at a kind of gentle intensity only Varian seemed to possess. It was like their pupils themselves had lined up. His eyes were filled with a sense of determination and uncertainty, and some sort of melancholic longing sung behind them.
“I-goggles you despise those things” He stumbled out.
“Please.”
Hugo didn’t know if it was the nature of the plea, the emotions in his eyes, or the fact that it was Varian that was saying this, but some force of nature and sentimentality compelled him to blurt the words out.
“Of course, Varian, of course I’ll be with you. I promise,”—oh sun, he could feel the words scraping the surface of the locked case that was his heart as he spoke-- “I promise.” He said again, in a soft tone and a crooked smile, just to reassure himself once more. Because yes, he wanted to stay, there was nothing more he could ever want to do other than stay with this boy—His boy—for as long as he could.
He had to tell Donella soon. He couldn’t go on masquerading for either side, not anymore. Starting out
Arms wrapped around Hugo’s own waist as Varian swiftly collided into his chest. His face was buried in Hugo's jacket, and it felt like Hugo was a loose thread Varian was trying to cling to. The older boy moved his arms from Varian's shoulders to rest around his midsection instead. The comfortable silence of understanding coated their embrace.
“Ah~ well, there's not much else interesting to do anyway” Hugo chirped playfully, he swayed slightly and kept his arms still wrapped around the younger boy, “Might as well spend my days chasing around this second rate alchemist so he doesn’t accidentally kill himself”
“You’re such an asshole” Varian replied, his voice was still muffled by Hugos clothing but the humour was not lost in his tone. The older boy could feel his lips turn upwards as he let himself be swayed.
But I’m your asshole is what Hugo wanted to say. It’s what his mind begged to be blurted out so badly. To be called Varian’s. But he didn’t. Because life doesn’t work that way, his life couldn’t work that way until he talked and came clean to Donella and told her he was out. He couldn’t be Varian’s if he still belonged to someone else. So he simply whispered,
“Yeah, I guess I am”