Chapter Text
They told me that I’m getting a new roommate today. The last one got out less than a week ago, good for her. I wish I could get out soon too, I’m so fucking tired of this place, but I am yet far from the last step of the program. I’m stuck at accepting I have a problem, because I don't have a fucking problem. The educators hate me, I’m the most difficult of their “patients” as they say, but I really don't care about this place, I just wanna get out.
The new girl came in the evening, she was crying and the guards had to toss her in my room as she was fighting them. I feel kinda bad for her actually. I preferred to not interfere today, I just welcomed her with a “hello” and that's enough. She is obviously not ready to talk.
The next morning, I woke up before the guards came knocking on the door, the girl was also up. She was sitting on her bed, looking at a spot on the floor, her gaze lost.
“Good morning, how’d you sleep?” I decided to ask as a way to start a conversation.
“I didn't” she answered, sharp, with a slight accent.
“It's normal the first days, don't worry. My name's Vi by the way, what's yours?”
“Caitlyn” sounded the same way, automatic, no emotion in the voice.
It’s really hard for most of the new ones, their families hate the fact that they're gay so they forcefully lock them in here. I’ve only met one girl who got here willingly, she was very religious, needless to say, she completed the program in a week. Not like me who’s been here for 2 months already.
A half hour passed and the guards came by to knock on doors “Breakfast!!”. I got dressed and was ready to step out when I noticed that Caitlyn was still sitting on the bed and not moving.
“Hey, we have to go eat breakfast.”
“I’m not hungry” she slightly shook her head.
“You can not eat if you want, but you have to be in the dining hall, they punish you if you don't go” she didn't react to my warning, even more, ignored it completely and kept looking at the spot on the floor. “Caitlyn? Let's go.” I said a little impatiently with a slight worry in my voice, hope she didn't notice.
“Leave me alone.” Her voice sounded so far away.
Well, I tried, if she wants to face the punishment, that’s on her, I don't really care. I went to the dining hall where everyone was already seated. I always sat alone, they were serving the same grey goo as everyday. I don't really know what it is, they don't tell us either, but it doesn't taste as bad as it looks, you get used to it over time. After eating they gave us our daily pills. I take 4: two white tablets, one pink round one and a blue square one. I have no idea what each of them does, but taking them is not optional. I guess they're a type of drug to… I don’t know, eradicate our homosexual tendencies? No idea.
After breakfast we go to the church area to pray, ask the Lord forgiveness for our homosexual sins. While there, the guards brought Caitlyn in. One of them stepped up to the church podium, said sorry to the priest and started talking loud and clear, still holding Caitlyn by her arm. “Just a reminder that when you are given an order you are all obliged to follow it. When we say that breakfast is ready, you are all expected to be at the dining hall. And I don't care who’s not hungry. Understood?” We all nodded, including Caitlyn.
The guards went away and the priest started talking. Caitlyn sat next to me on the bench, keeping about a meter of distance between us. She was crying and her whole body was trembling. I don't know what they did exactly but it must've not been pretty. I did warn her though.
The priest started his sermon “You have been taught to identify by your desires, your temptation, your darkness. But temptation is not an identity. Christ never promised an easy road, he promised a cross. And every single one of you carries one, either it is your loneliness, your grief or desires you are not meant to have. The question stands, are you willing to carry it? I know some of you are tired. Tired of praying, of fighting and of asking God why did he make you like this. But perhaps it is the wrong question. Perhaps the question is not why God allows the struggle. Perhaps it is whether you trust him enough to endure it…”
After the sermon, each of us were asked to step up and talk about our stories and about how the therapy was helping us. A few girls went up and talked about their families, their temptations and desires. It came to Caitlyn’s turn “Well… hello, my name is Caitlyn… really I don't know if I should be here. I mean, I had a few boyfriends in the past, it was good and all. Although I didn't feel truly satisfied with those relationships. I think, perhaps I just haven't found the right man. Anyways my parents insisted that this therapy would help me.”
“Is that really all? Why did your parents send you here?” The priest pressed a little.
She thought for a moment “I did have a very close friend, she was a girl. I spent more time with her than with any boyfriend. I have to say that I did not see her as anything more than a friend. Anyways, I sometimes had impure thoughts about women, I wrote about it in my diary which my parents found before sending me here. I really hope this will help me feel closer to men and more fulfilled.”
All the time she was talking I noticed how she fidgeted, she wasn't comfortable at all giving this confession. And it raises the question, does she really believe in all this bullshit? Or is she just pretending to and is forced here by her family?
“Thank you for your confession, Caitlyn, you may sit down.” The priest said kindly.
Then it came my turn to speak “Well, you all know me, I’m Vi and I’m a lesbian.”
“Lord forgive her.” In unison, again.
“I have been here for 2 months, I experienced a lot of temptation in the past and in the present for which I pray every night. My latest relapse was two weeks ago, I got too close to one of the patients. Since then I did everything in my hands to redeem myself.”
“Thank you for your confession, Violet. You may seat.”
In some time every girl had confessed and they made us pray individually. All of this was common practice. As we were leaving the chapel, I walked next to Caitlyn.
“Hey, you alright?” I decided to ask with genuine worry, all day she was looking really depressed and I don't know, I feel bad for her. It’s like she's here but not really here.
“Uhm yeah, don't worry.” she answered with a forced smile on her face. “What comes after this?”
“Oh, they give us a free hour and then we have chores to do.”
She smiled again, a little more genuinely now, I think.
Back in our room I decided to make conversation, she seemed more open to talk.
“Sooo, what do you think about the place?”
“I don't know, it’s okay I guess. Looks kind of like a hospital in my opinion.”
“Yeah, a really religious hospital.” she let out a little chuckle. “But I wasn't talking about the aesthetic.” I smiled at her.
“Well, if they can help me then I am happy.” I saw sadness in her eyes again.
“You really think it works?”
“You don't?” Now her voice sounded even sadder.
“I don't really know. I think it depends, but really all it does is make you hate yourself and live an unhappy life.” Damn, maybe I got a little too sincere, hope she doesn't tell on me.
“Then why are you here? And you’ve been here the longest, am I right?”
“You are, two months and counting. I’m here ‘cause of my foster parents. They are very religious and didn't like having a butch in their home and near their kids. So they sent me away.” Okay this isn't the whole truth, but I’m not ready to talk about it with this stranger. So I decided to change the direction of the conversation “You said in the confession something about boyfriends, how was it?”
“I had two. One was for only 2 months, the other was steady for a year. I dumped both of them. I… did really love them. They were great guys, but it didn't feel like the right fit. You know what I’m saying?” I nodded. “When I was with them I had fun, but something was missing. And then when I thought about girls it felt comforting for some reason.”
“Have you ever been with a woman?”
“God! No, never, it isn't right and I know it isn't. It's not how it's meant to be.”
Now we were both with a saddened expression. We looked at each other for a moment with a look of understanding, guilt and sadness. Then the moment was interrupted by the guards knocking on the door. Free time was over.
Today's chores were gardening. We were brought into the backyard. This was attended by the leader of the camp. Her name is Ambessa, she herself is a recovered lesbian but she keeps a lot of her traits. She is absolutely giant and muscular, her form is strong, dominant and imposing. “Everyone listen, we are going to be planting some flowers. A real woman has to be able to care and nurse a new life. As women our job is to take care of others, of our husbands and children. And every woman should have a cared for garden. We’ll start by taking care of the flowers already planted and then I’ll give you new seeds.”
Gardening was the activity I most enjoyed, it wasn't as humiliating as others and it let you focus on yourself. I watered the plants that needed it and planted some beautiful lilies. The sun today was nice, it wasn't hot and it tickled my skin just in the right ways. All the time I had the conversation with Caitlyn on my mind. I don't know why, I lived through many roommates and didn't make as much contact with them. But something inside was telling me that this girl is somehow special.
After gardening we went to eat, same grey goo. This time Caitlyn came to the dining hall, she sat next to me once again keeping the needed distance. She didn't eat, I didn't press her. It is understandable, the grey sludge doesn't look like something you should be eating.
Lunch ended and the evening activity started, this was individual. As today was Monday, we each had to go to the leader’s office and talk about our progress this week.
I entered the room and Ambessa was sitting at her desk, she pointed to the chair in front. “How are you doing, Violet?”
“Fine.”
“Is everything okay with your new roommate?”
“Yeah, she's really quiet.”
She drummed her fingers on the desk. “How is your progress going this week? Any impure thoughts? Desires?”
“Not that I noticed, it's been good. I focused on gardening and I have been praying at nights like you ordered.”
“Splendid, I am happy to hear that. You have made a lot of changes since your last relapse. If you continue like this, you will be cured in no time.”
“I hope so.”
“That is all, you can go Violet. Thank you for your time.”
I left the room and told the next girl to go in. I mostly lie in these meetings. I mean, of course I haven't been praying every night for example, but the rest of what I said was surprisingly truthful.
Once all the girls finished we had dinner, Caitlyn didn't eat again, and went to bed.
“You should eat, we do a lot of physical activity and if you continue like this you’ll collapse one day.”
“I wasn't hungry.” Her voice sounded worse than before. I am guessing that the meeting with the girl who doesn't even admit she's a lesbian, didn't go well.
“I get that and I know the grey paste doesn't look very appetizing, but you should try eating. And it tastes better than it looks, trust me. But do what you want, I will go to sleep. Good night.”
“Good night.”
I tried to fall asleep but I couldn't stop thinking about this bluehaired girl again. Then I heard her crying. It was a shy and low cry, she was trying not to call attention but I couldn't ignore it. “You okay”
“Yes, yes I’m fine. You can sleep, don't worry.”
But I couldn't sleep and let her cry all night. I got up from my bed and got closer to hers, I sat beside her and hugged her carefully. “It's going to be okay.” I tried to comfort her and she leaned into the hug, her crying increasing. We stayed like that for I don't even know how long, until she fell asleep in my arms. I carefully laid her down and got back to my bed.
This night I didn't sleep, I prayed.