Chapter Text
September 23 2024
7:50 AM
Karkat stood there with the rest of the zombified campus community this morning, his palm prongs twisting into cuffed, polyester sleeves as a poor 19-year-old committed four minutes to pulling a single espresso shot.
“Caramel latte for Carquette!” Another barista shouted.
He smiled at the barista with all the charm of an autistic four-year-old and sat down in a worn vinyl booth. Adorned in his best thrifted business casual, Karkat took care to hold his to-go cup like a torch as he weaseled into his seat. It just wasn't a day he could just afford to spill coffee on himself. It was his first day as a college professor, and when he opened his laptop, the screen illuminated with the same course syllabus that’d been unchanged since last April, ever since he got the professorship.
The night he got this job was an embarrassing-but-fond memory, filled to overflowing with his own disbelieving scream-laugh and his phone held deathly firm at his cheek, so much that his hand went white at the prongtips. Upon hearing the familiar croak of this English department head, Karkat scrambled out of shit-cell-serviced apartment, shoved sockless strut pods into his sneakers, and with his bloodpusher thrumming, prongs abuzz, and a drought in his protein chute, he plugged one prongtip into his ear and cradled his phone with his other hand.
The croaking voice told him he got it: a tenure-track teaching job, at a dream university, on the sun-drenched west coast.
Karkat was going to make sure this place never regretted a fucking thing by giving it to him.
That is - he thought that was the case - until it had been seven months after that call, or two hours from the moment he sat at the campus coffee shop, when he walked into room 301B.
Seated in the classroom was Dave Strider.
July 8 2024
9:44 PM
The hallway towards Dave’s hive unit was bland, lined with mass-printed paintings, all different orientations of these long swaths of paint printed on cream-colored backs. His open door gave way to the smell of stale takeout, and a two-second sweep exposed the culprit on the long kitchen counter, two chopsticks standing upright in a container of lo mein.
He shifted awkwardly in the low light, granted only by a couple mellowly lit lamps.
so
welcome
its not the homiest place on earth but it sure is
university-sponsored housing
RIGHT. I SEE THAT.
The rest of the room was neater, though unfinished. Boxes stacked high against the right side wall, and the only complete part of the bedroom were his made sheets. Karkat felt a corner of his mouth twitch in amusement.
can i get you something to drink
SURE.
Karkat stepped into the warmly lit apartment and peeled off his gloves by the thumbs, curling his fingers at the sudden contact with drier air. The gloves went into his hoodie’s kangaroo pocket, and he kept his hands there so he could trace the gloves’ velveteen interior. He toed off his sneakers and leaned against the L-shaped kitchen counter.
Dave walked behind Karkat but stopped short at the fridge. He leaned down, the length of his body bent in two as the harsh blue light of the fridge splashed against the linoleum floor.
Karkat pinched his gloves between his thumb and middle finger.
so weve got shitty tjs wine if thats your thing
A look over his shoulder and the corner of his lips curled faintly.
you just seem like the type
no offense
YOU KNOW SAYING NO OFFENSE DOESN’T ACTUALLY SOFTEN THE BLOW.
hey what blow
its not a problem to be into shitty wine
its in my fridge aint it
HM.
WHAT ELSE DO YOU HAVE?
Karkat moved towards the fridge, towards Dave, before he finished asking the question. Dave didn’t look back at him, but he probably sensed the movement. The beat of silence between his question and Dave’s answer read like confirmation.
uh
four cutwaters and some lagers
oh and a pale ale
my sister gave the ipa to me after she went on some brewery tour
says it tastes like ass
WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE SO MANY SINGLES IN YOUR FRIDGE?
well heres the thing
i draw the party to me man
im like magneto but for the dirty remnants of college parties.
Karkat wants to keep from smiling, but the edges of his lips dash that possibility.
nah i just hold onto the alc for friends
sober monitor and all around upright citizen
that and im
like
a supreme socialite if you havent noticed
i have this setup obviously designed for hosting
these were sorta housewarming gifts
PRETTY SHITTY HOUSEWARMING GIFTS.
hey
we cant all have rich friends to mooch our adulthood starter packs from
ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT I DO?
am i wrong
…
NO.
THE CLOSEST ONE IS OUT IN THE GRAND EARTHFRUIT THOUGH.
what
oh
new york
so there’s a dame waiting for you out there huh
The implication that Dave gave one iota of a fuck whether he had anyone waiting for him outside of that apartment, it made his stomach swoop. Dave pulled out a Cutwater and steadied it on top of the open fridge door between his thumb and forefinger.
I THINK SHE WOULD CUT YOU WITH A KNIFE FOR SAYING THAT.
Dave shrugged, eclipsing his quiet smile with an averted gaze.
so whatll it be cowboy
I’LL TAKE THE SHITTY WINE, THANKS.
He snapped his fingers in Karkat's direction. It was dorky.
July 9 2024
1:21 AM
Dave doesn’t tell Karkat until afterwards that he’d never been with a troll before that night. He tells him this when their legs are “lincoln-logged” together - one of the many terms Karkat very quickly learns made up Dave’s eclectic vocabulary.
i feel like i should be taking a drag off an american spirit right now
nicotine was never my vice of choice but it sounds right
were basically horizontal
laid out
full frontal
all thats left is a 43 degree headturn, a shnasty fat plume of smoke, and a thousand threadcount sheet tastefully tossed over my bare shoulder
“was it good for you too babe”
YOU KNOW IT WAS, YOU DON’T HAVE TO ASK ME THAT SHIT.
AND DON’T CALL ME BABE.
but what if we have a tragic but ultimately predictable, gay-canonical falling out
The utter bewilderment on Karkat’s face doesn’t give Dave pause for a single second.
and you choose a heteronormative path
decide to live your lifelong dreams closeted and zealously committed to the quadro
er
quad
QUADROMANTIC.
thank you
the quadriplegic-normative path
its what placates troll society kat
you grow up and birth all those baby grubs
make them fend for their lives in inhospitable environments the way they were always destined for it
and yet when youre looking off and watching your trollbies get naturally selected
youll turn to your troll wife-huzz
and youll think of me
human dave chappell roan
the headliner at coachella
MORE LIKE THE FINE PRINT AT BURNING MAN.
and i say
good luck babe
HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET FROM CIGARETTES AFTER SEX TO CHAPPELL.
you mean besides the iconic genre defining similarities
WHAT? NO.
…
OH MY GOD.
IS THIS BECAUSE I SAID YOU CAN’T CALL ME ‘BABE?'
His laugh was light, and wheezy, and unexpected.
WHY DO YOU GET TO BE CHAPPELL ROAN IN THIS?
I THINK BETWEEN THE TWO OF US YOU’RE UNQUESTIONABLY MORE CLOSETED.
I MEAN
HAVE YOU EVEN TRIED TO B-
okay so cool great point taken
thanks for the read diva
jesus christ
September 23 2024
8:32 AM
This is not happening.
Karkat is not on his first day as a teaching professor, and this, this not-even-situationship, Dave Strider, is not sitting out in tiered lecture hall seating, watching Karkat fumble with his laptop charger.
Karkat thinks, inconveniently, of Dave pinning him to brick-red sheets, of himself kneeling, Dave’s hand steady on Karkat’s shoulder, a soft groan tumbling out from his lips. Karkat remembers tasting nothing but the salt of his sweat.
Karkat shakes his head suddenly, dislodging the thoughts.
Dave unpockets his phone and taps out a few things, swipes.
September 23 2024
9:08 AM
Dave crosses his arms and shrinks away minutely, sliding down the lecture hall chair and spreading his knees akimbo.
Karkat’s finger twitches on his laptop, skipping forward somehow by five slides past the final paper’s parameters and into the accommodations policy.
September 23 2024
9:30 AM
I’LL BE READING YOUR WRITING AND GIVING YOU THE UNWELCOME ATTENTION OF A COLLEGE PROFESSOR IN HIS FIRST YEAR TEACHING, SO KEEP THAT IN MIND.
I, PROBABLY ILL-ADVISEDLY, WANT TO PROVE MYSELF TO YOU ALL AS MUCH AS YOU MIGHT TO THE UNIVERSITY.
ANY AND ALL FEEDBACK FROM MYSELF TO YOU IS ONLY EVER MEANT TO BE HELPFUL AND FOR YOUR OWN EDIFICATION - AND I’M EXPECTING THE SAME IN RETURN.
THERE’S NOT A FUCKING CHANCE THAT I’M LETTING YOU GUYS GRADUATE WITHOUT KNOWING HOW TO USE A SEMICOLON, OR MORE IMPORTANTLY, HOW TO USE AN EM DASH WITH A FUCKING RESTRAINED HAND.
Dave snorts.
- AND
Karkat pauses on his slide deck, eyes trained on the woven-like texture of the projection screen.
AND ANYWAY
He smiles a little dumbly at the slides.
ANY QUESTIONS?
September 25 2024
5:43 PM
Karkat does not know what possessed him to host office hours at five pm. Something about “making it accessible to all students,” fuck, it makes him want to tear himself a new asshole.
Office hours happen in, for the first time, a real office, a dedicated room that wasn’t also shared with three other sleep-deprived, grossly underpaid grad students.
Karkat doesn’t not expect Dave to show, but when the pathetic trickle of students has evaporated, and it’s fifteen minutes to six, he decides to leave. He has both threadbare backpack straps over his shoulders when a single knuckle raps against the faux-wood office door.
hey
mind if i shut this
Dave closes the door.
so -
- CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING.
no you go
sure
shoot
ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME OR SOMETHING?
holy shit
what
This feigned nonchalance does something to Karkat. Something swells, annoying and whole in Karkat’s chest. Didn’t Dave know he taught here? Didn’t he see the obviously Alternian name on the syllabus - fuck, not even obviously Alternian, obviously the name of someone he fucks - or fucked - or is it that meaningless to him too? Were there other 'Karkats'? Why did the thought land somewhere in his throat, thick and ugly.
im not “following” you man what do i look like to you
NOT A FRESHMAN IN GEN ED ENGLISH.
YOU’RE TELLING ME RIGHT NOW YOU’RE A STUDENT.
YOU’RE A FUCKING STUDENT.
AT *MY* SCHOOL.
whoa
first of all
*your* school
bro im barely a student im like a ghost
or a tourist
who just also happens to be enrolled
i didnt know you worked here
All of this was still just a panic attack two hours too early.
FUCK.
Dave sits in the seat directly in front of Karkat.
Karkat looks at him, looks at his legs. Karkat thinks of fine hairs, scarred knees, and long fingers.
FUCK!
dude why would you sleep with a student
I DIDN’T *KNOW* YOU WERE A STUDENT!
AND BESIDES, I TEACH FRESHMEN.
AND YOU’RE
WHAT
TWENTY SEVEN??
close but no
twenty six
DON’T YOU LIVE OFF CAMPUS?
yeah
but thats mostly because im too old to be doing orientation with nineteen year olds man thats just fuckin weird
OKAY.
SO YOU’RE A FRESHMAN?
credits wise a sophomore
OH OKAY “CREDITS-WISE A SOPHOMORE” JESUS SHUT THE FUCK UP.
you literally asked
I WAS CONFIRMING!
WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING IN THIS CLASS IF YOU’RE NOT A FRESHMAN THEN.
what do you think dude
im catching up on missed credits
community college couldnt catch me dead in an english class bro
so
yeah
im here teach
DON’T CALL ME TEACH.
k
doctor vantas
you need a dose of ego death more than anyone else i know
THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT.
- and
most of your students dont know you like i do
!
have you even christened your office yet
DAVE.
it looks like an ikea display in here
im almost fully convinced that that drawer is chock full of lorem ipsum coffee table books
youre gonna move out the way and ill see a floor model sand hourglass and stock photos of multiracial families
im gonna get up and outta this chair and see a laminated tag of djungelskog
THAT’S THAT FUCKING BEAR.
its that what
ARE YOU ALWAYS THIS IMPOSSIBLE.
i think you like it
PLEASE DO NOT SAY THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW. IT’S NOT FUNNY.
its a little funny
YOU KNOW WHAT, NO, ACTUALLY -
WE NEED TO GET YOU ENROLLED IN A DIFFERENT CLASS, OR JUST IN THIS COURSE BUT NOT WHEN I'M TEACHING IT.
THIS IS JUST
NOT-
Dave looks at Karkat, gaze seeming unwavering behind those glasses.
its a pain to switch classes dude
He says, legs slightly spread, the soles of his shoes touching each other and nearly Karkat, too.
AND WHAT OTHER OPTION DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE.
we
WHAT?
we
what other option do you think *we* have
its both of us right
youre in the shit too
even more than me id argue
Karkat laughs in disbelief.
im just saying its going to be a major pain
you know me im a late bloomer
transfer student and all, only got two years of financial aid and unfulfilled credits out the wazoo doctor
Karkat looks away, eyes combing over the books in his office, the ones out on his desk, the ones hand-picked for this class, by him, all dogeared to filth and bloated from the insane number of sticky tabs jutting out from between the pages. He still hasn’t gotten a work laptop from the university, and maybe it’s a cosmic fucking sign that he was never going to get one, because he was never going to make this work anyhow, not with academia, and not with Dave either.
dude chill
i can see the exhaust coming out your ears
you look like you’re gonna bust
but in like a non sexual -
STOP.
yep
Something in his demeanor switches, perhaps recognizing Karkat’s inner panic, broadcasted and played out transparently on this face.
okay so look
lede fully unburied
chain done getting yanked
i already swapped classes
What?
WHAT?
thats why i came here
to tell you that
why else
WHY ELSE?
Karkat pauses, stilling his ears and catching it in the full beat afterwards.
WHY *ELSE?*
WHY ELSE WOULD I BE CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR PRESENCE IN MY OFFICE?
WHY WOULD I BE RISKING EVERYTHING STANDING HERE FOR ANOTHER SECOND? AND ANOTHER? YOU’RE HERE RIGHT NOW WHEN YOU SHOULD BE GALLIVANTING AROUND THE CLUB FAIR, FUCKING DOE-EYED AND TOTE-BAG-ADORNED. AND WEARING ONE OF THOSE FUCKING
THE SCHOOL T-SHIRTS
THEY'RE ALWAYS WAY TOO BIG
way too big
but
come on man doe eyed
seriously
no you know what
heres how deadass i am right now
ill gallivant around club fair all you want
ill get real puritanical with it and sign up for christian coed a capella if it means you take a fucking breather
its all good
and
maybe
maybe i wanted to give this thing a real shot and not fuck it and your career simultaneously
you seem like
i dont know
you seem like youd be actually good at this kind of thing
plus
itd be kind of hot to be dating a professor right
...
PFFT.
so were good
okay
were good
right
YEAH. OKAY.
WE'RE -
YEAH.
Dave watches Karkat quietly, his face soft but unreadable.
Karkat watches him back.
youre good?
YEAH.
AND YOU ARE? TOO?
yeah
i am