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Lu Guang collapsed on the couch. His body ached and his eyelids were heavy with exhaustion. After everything he has done, every rule he has broken, every life he has had to relive, the lives he has harmed… it was all beginning to catch up to him. Guilt tugged at his heart, it squeezed the air out of his lungs and forced him to choke on regret.
By going back and destroying the timeline, he murdered Vein, even if he hadn’t directly killed him with a weapon, he still did in his own fucked up way. It’s not exactly easy killing someone, no matter how much hatred Lu Guang felt for him. However, Lu Guang has seen enough to know this wasn’t the end, now he was left wondering what would happen now? What if he only made it worse?
Would this even save Cheng Xiaoshi? If he didn’t fix anything, then what? Was this mental turmoil all worthless? His mind began to spiral, there’s not a chance that fate would let him get away with this.
“Lu Guang!” Cheng Xiaoshi called out to him as he descended the staircase, a bright smile plastered on his face. His jacket hung around his shoulders, not yet put on, as he struggled to tie his hair back. His pace slowed when he saw him motionless on the couch, and his smile was replaced with a brief look of confusion. He tilted his head like a curious puppy. “Hey, you alright?”
Lu Guang took a deep breath. He casts his gaze towards Cheng Xiaoshi and offers him a small nod. “I’m alright.” He said quietly.
His voice was barely audible, an obvious lie, but still, he understood. “Oh, okay.” He replied, dismissively. He grabbed the house keys and his bag. “I’m gonna head out for a bit, call me if you need anything!” He said. When Lu Guang didn’t respond, Cheng Xiaoshi lingered for a moment more, but in the end, he took that as an answer and left.
For a moment, Lu Guang just lied there. He really didn’t want Cheng Xiaoshi to leave, but he wasn’t going to stop him, that’d look too… out of character for him. He grimaced at the pain in his chest that was unlike anything he’s ever felt. Utter heartbreak. Using what little strength he had left, Lu Guang pushed himself up off the couch. If he remembered correctly, there were three hours of the day that Cheng Xiaoshi was unaccounted for; what Cheng Xiaoshi was doing, Lu Guang didn’t know.
He wondered if Cheng Xiaoshi even noticed his strange change of behavior. He wondered if he noticed that he’s stopped doing the things he likes, stopped talking to him and Qiao Ling so much, began zoning out in the middle of commission, stopped seeking Cheng Xiaoshi’s presence… Was he worried at all?
It’s not like he’s ever doubted him. He thought, certainly, he loved him as much as he loved Cheng Xiaoshi. He didn’t like doubting his best friend.
But the lack of attention made his heart hurt. No matter how hard Lu Guang tries to distance himself, he wants to be with Cheng Xiaoshi. He so desperately wants to be in his presence and feel his touch, but Cheng Xiaoshi doesn’t seek him out.
Perhaps that’s for the best.
He checked his watch. In the first timeline, he ordered food and prepared a meal for Cheng Xiaoshi’s return. He’s way off track, but does that even matter anymore with what he’s about to do?
All these questions don’t make it easier on him. Lu Guang waited for 20 minutes to pass, just in case Cheng Xiaoshi doubled back for him — he didn’t. He gathered himself slowly, allowing himself to take his sweet time and basking in whatever life he has left — before leaving the photo studio.
Lu Guang didn’t bother changing into warm clothes. He climbed the stairs of the nearest, and tallest building; it was only two blocks down from their home, not far at all. It gave him a nice view of the city. The orange sky tinted with a hit of orange to signify sundown, it was quite the beautiful sight.
His feet dangled off of the building, watching the traffic slowly fade as the sun began to set. The wind brushed against his bare legs, it was cold, far too cold to be without a sweater… but did his own comfort even matter? Besides, it’d only be a short while until he couldn’t feel coldness or warmth anymore.
It’s still so surreal to him that he’s pushed himself to this point, that someone as mentally strong as himself could be dumbed down to this. He’s never felt so helpless before
The guilt-driven numbness in his chest began to swallow him whole.
Lu Guang stood up, feet pressed close to the edge. One strong gust of wind could knock him off this roof top with ease. Truth is, he’s scared. Hell, he’s terrified even. He doesn’t want to die, really, but he’s all out of options.
Death. The one thing he kept running away from, he’s now welcoming with open arms.
Lu Guang sucked in a breath, and took a small step forward. His foot came in contact with the concrete, but his eyes remained shut. He took this moment to think about his next move, proceed forward, or turn away.
Perhaps this was a sign. A sign to give this timeline another chance, give Cheng Xiaoshi another chance. For a split second, Lu Guang is hopeful, but he quickly scuffs that thought out. Excuses. He’s still hesitating, hesitating because he wants to live so badly, because he’s terrified of what awaits his friends when he’s gone… but if he doesn’t do it now, will he ever? Is fear worth the pain he’ll cause in the future?
He took another weary step, and he felt nothing. Lu Guang’s chest tightened, he knew if he opened his eyes, all he’d see would be the road. He imagines the blood leaking from his head, painting the streets in a dark, dark crimson. He imagines the screams of the unfortunate office worker that finds his body the next morning, he imagines the caution tape blocking off the streets with curious passerby’s, he imagines the utter shock in Officer Xiao’s eyes when he identifies his body, he imagines Qiao Ling tearful voice as she tells Cheng Xiaoshi about his death.
Cheng Xiaoshi.
For a moment, Lu Guang loses his train of thought.
What would he think…?
His mind is far too clouded to register the sound of footsteps rapidly approaching him, or the heavy breaths that accompanied them. He couldn’t react in time and-
“Lu Guang!” A piercing scream shatters the melancholy silence, and a strong hand grabs the back of his shirt, tight. Nearly tearing his clothes off. Cheng Xiaoshi slams him into a wall, ripping out a cry of pain from Lu Guang’s throat. He could have sworn he heard something crack.
Lu Guang snaps out of his daze, opening his eyes for the first time in what felt like hours.
Shit.
Cheng Xiaoshi held him by the shirt. His hot breath came out in heavy pants against Lu Guang’s face, and sweat beaded at his forehead. His gaze switched between the roof and him, once, twice, before the terror in his eyes morphed into something more. Something terrifying. Something that made Lu Guang wish he had jumped sooner, as long as it never meant having Cheng Xiaoshi look at him like that again.
“What the hell…?” Quietly, breathy, then it changed within a matter of seconds. The disbelief shifted to loud, uncaring anger. “WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING!?”
His fist tightened around Lu Guang’s collar so hard that his veins began to pop.
“WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS!? WHY DIDN’T YOU FUCKING TELL ME!?” Cheng Xiaoshi screamed in anguish, the pain and outrage evident in his hoarse voice. He shook Lu Guang against the wall, hard enough for him to hit the back of his head multiple times over. “LU GUANG!”
Lu Guang didn’t reply, he couldn’t. He opened his mouth to speak but his words fell short. He felt like he was suffocating, but not from the tightness around his throat. For once, this was unpredictable, he didn’t know what to say to spark the best reaction from him, he didn’t know what he wanted to hear, he didn’t know how to explain himself. Lu Guang’s throat closed up against his will as he stared into Cheng Xiaoshi’s bulging eyes, shaking his head hurriedly.
This lack of response only angered him more. “Be serious right now!” He scolded, raising a hand to hit his shoulder. Lu Guang’s eyes widened, flinching on instinct at the pain coursing through his body. Cheng Xiaoshi probably hadn’t meant to hit as hard as he did, but this… goes to show how powerless Lu Guang is.
Cheng Xiaoshi hit him again, softer this time, much softer. There was a flash of regret in his expression, but there was so much going on, so much he wanted to say, he could only give Lu Guang an apologetic glare. Cheng Xiaoshi squeezed his shoulder desperately, holding him in place so he couldn’t slip away from him. “Answer me! Please!”
“I’ve given you space, I’ve given you silence, I’ve given you time just how you like it. You were supposed to talk to me! You were supposed to tell me why you’ve been acting so weird! And you were just g-going to… l-leave me like that!?” His voice faltered in the middle of his sentence as tears welled up in his eyes. He couldn’t believe it. Lu Guang, his best friend, the one he held so close to his heart, had planned to kill himself behind his back. And Lu Guang didn’t offer him any explanation except for that blank, confused stare.
“Do you understand how worried I was? You’ve been acting odd for- weeks! Ever since we got back from Bridon, you stopped greeting me in the mornings, like you were in a trance or something! You started waking up late and stayed in bed until I forced you to get up! You haven’t been making your usual evening oolong tea. You stopped going out with me. You didn’t even touch the jar of your favorite candy I bought for you! You started going to bed early, and having nightmares, and waking up in the middle of the night!”
“When I saw you laying on the couch staring at nothing, you looked miserable. You looked tired and hurt, and I’ve been wanting to help you so badly — but I knew if I tried talking to you, you would just reject me. So, I waited… I waited for you to come to me! I wanted you to decide when you were comfortable enough to talk. Because you should know I’ll always be here and that you’re safe with me! You know that, right? Right!?”
Silence passed over them for a moment, allowing for Lu Guang to soak up every word. So, Cheng Xiaoshi knew this entire time. It’s not like Lu Guang tried to hide it anyway, he thought Cheng Xiaoshi was just… ignoring him. Still, Lu Guang remained quiet, he couldn’t speak even if he wanted to. It was like his body was frozen. His eyes did not break away from Cheng Xiaoshi’s tear filled ones, he wanted to apologize for causing him so much distress and console him, but how could he do that when he can’t even comfort himself? He has caused him nothing but pain for years, he didn’t deserve the love of someone so kind and caring as Cheng Xiaoshi.
The hand that had once been hitting him traveled up his neck, sending chills down his spine. Instinctively, he shut his eyes, awaiting some kind of hurt, but it never came. Instead, a large hand cupped Lu Guang’s face, his thumb stroked comforting circles into his cheeks.
Lu Guang opened his eyes to find Cheng Xiaoshi had moved slightly farther away from him. Cheng Xiaoshi let go of his shirt, but the hand on his cheek remained. His expression softened, breaking away from the outrage he felt only moments before. That look in his eyes made Lu Guang weak, full of love, concern, and the need to understand. His gentle palm warmed his cheek with utmost devotion.
“I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Cheng Xiaoshi spoke carefully. “I love you, Lu Guang. So much that you don’t even know. I need you to be okay.” And with that, just that confession, Lu Guang felt something within him shatter, like a dam under pressure.
Tears that have been suppressed for years finally spilled. It was slow at first, it’s a force of habit to maintain composure even as he began to lose himself. It wasn’t until Cheng Xiaoshi took his hand away when Lu Guang broke. His knees buckled and he collapsed to the floor, covering his pathetic face — or at least trying to— from Cheng Xiaoshi. He wanted nothing more than to forget this ever happened, to reverse this nightmare and just keep quiet.
“I’m sorry.” He sobbed so hard he could barely recognize his own voice. This act —to cry— was so foreign to him, especially in front of Cheng Xiaoshi. “I-I’m sorry, I can’t do it, Cheng Xiaoshi. I can’t keep doing this over and over again-.” He chokes on his own cries. He was the one that’s supposed to protect him, console him, be there for him, that was his life goal. He never wanted to add onto Cheng Xiaoshi’s stress or burden him with his own struggles.
“I’m just making everything worse! That’s all I do! Nothing I’ve done has fixed this and I can’t keep letting you get hurt! I-I…” I’m such an idiot. I’m so stupid. I’m just worthless.
It doesn’t help that Cheng Xiaoshi just knows exactly how to destroy him, dig out his heart and expose his internal wounds. His strong arms wrapped him in a warm embrace, hiding Lu Guang’s vulnerable figure from the world’s gaze, like he was protecting the most precious jewel in the world. Fragile and breakable, but valuable and cherished at the same time. Lu Guang cried harder into Cheng Xiaoshi’s shoulder. His cheeks were probably completely red, and his eyes were likely puffy. His face felt sticky with old and new tears that showed no sign of stopping. He was a complete mess.
Lu Guang squeezed Cheng Xiaoshi tight in an attempt to ground himself into reality, but it was no use. He buried his face into his shoulder, mentally apologizing for getting his hoodie dirty.
“I love you so much, Cheng Xiaoshi, but I can’t-… I can’t protect you no matter how hard I try… I'm so, so, so sorry…” he spoke in a meek voice. It was difficult to articulate his words when the hics and sobs in his throat prevented him from speaking, and the tears dried out his eyes so he was unable to focus.
A moment passed over them, with nothing but Lu Guang’s sobs and shaky breaths breaking the silence. Cheng Xiaoshi tilted his head slightly so his words would be spoken directly into Lu Guang’s ear. “Lu Guang...” He spoke tenderly.
“It’s not your fault.” If only he knew. “It really isn’t. And I don’t want you to blame yourself for things that I’ve done. I also don’t want you to feel like you’re alone or burdening me with your struggles. Lu Guang, you’re so much more than you think you are and you saved me so many times in the past.”
“I’m here for you. Always have and always will. I want you to talk to me, I want you to tell me your struggles, your pains, your joys, your past, your future, everything. I want to help you when you’re upset, because you don’t deserve to wallow away in silence. No one deserves that, especially not you.”
“So let it all out. Let me listen this time. I won’t even say anything if you don’t want me to. ”
Lu Guang’s head began to hurt and his throat became dry. It’s been so long since he cried like this, he’s not used to it. “I’m sorry…” He said softly. Cheng Xiaoshi didn’t respond, and a part of Lu Guang found comfort in that. It gave him ample time to consider what he wanted to say, like he didn’t need to rush.
“I didn’t know what to do and…” he gulped down a hesitant sob. Cheng Xiaoshi’s warmth served as a gentle reminder that someone was there for him. He took a deep, shaky breath, trying to calm his cries down. “I just… I thought that this could fix it and all my mistakes I’ve made before.” Lu Guang’s grip around him tightened. “But I won’t do it again, I swear! So don’t- don’t worry about me, please.”
Tears began to well up again at the thought of how different their relationship would be if he was always walking on eggshells around him. Cheng Xiaoshi would be so anxious, trying to not say the wrong thing and steer his thoughts away from suicide. As if he was a ticking bomb ready to explode if he cut the wrong wire. He didn’t want Cheng Xiaoshi to change, he didn't want to keep Cheng Xiaoshi in a relationship where he felt trapped. He wanted Cheng Xiaoshi to remain the way he already was: genuine.
Cheng Xiaoshi didn’t say a word. A moment passes before he pulls away, fear pierces through Lu Guang’s chest and a pit of sorrow opens in his stomach as he feels the warmth leaving him. Thankfully, he didn’t have time to panic, because as soon as he left, Cheng Xiaoshi is quick to reunite their bodies, entangling their fingers with one another.
He presses a small yet sincere kiss to Lu Guang’s forehead that sends chills down his spine. Lu Guang, caught off guard, looked up at him with wide eyes, Cheng Xiaoshi returned his gaze with one full of adoration. He wiped his tears away with his thumb, and brushed Lu Guang’s disheveled hair out of his face. Cheng Xiaoshi gave Lu Guang another kiss, on the lips this time, letting him feel his love.
“Let’s go home, okay? We’ll go home, grab whatever you want to eat, then rest.” Cheng Xiaoshi spoke carefully, his voice velvety and soothing. Like a siren song, Lu Guang followed, allowing Cheng Xiaoshi to hold and guide him. He took off his sweater and wrapped it around Lu Guang’s shivering figure. “Y’know what, I’ll tell Qiao Ling we’re gonna take the day off tomorrow, you won’t even have to get out of bed!” He said with a smile, bringing a sense of lightness to break up the tension. He wasn’t mad anymore. “I’ll take care of you.”
Cheng Xiaoshi.
Sweet Cheng Xiaoshi.
Lu Guang nodded, not bothering to put up a fight. He knew he was in no place to argue.
You deserve so much more.