Archive of Our Own

The tweet hits hockey twitter timeline like a fucking bomb. It is a slow Tuesday morning. The sun is out, is one of those days where people just mind their business on the street. The days are getting longer and the sunshine kisses everyone’s skin more and more… and, obviously, someone on that site of hell had to make every single hockey obsessed homophobe get into psychosis or early greave.

Well, Shane hopes that that anonymous user is proud of their master peace, because they should.

Shane is not on twitter –meaning he has an account, but he rarely uses it, bar for some brand deals, statement endorsement or some comment Harris, Farrah or his mum asks him to do.

So, he sees the thing when it has already gained traction. So much traction that it makes its way to the Centaurs group chat, which… Shane had thought in the past to ask them to keep the place entirely for team related messages, but he has long given up on that, and he finds their shenanigans funny most of the time.

tai @hollanovhockey

btw if so many gay players are considered generational talents... maybe we should start reconsidering the fact that ALL NHL PLAYERS SHOULD BE GAY

Ottawa Centaurs

LaPointe: lmaooo (link to an article: Should NHL players be sucking each other’s dicks?)

Barret: wtf

Hayes: that’s pure journalism right there

Boodram: @Hollander @cap, you have broken the NHL

Ilya <3: I have not broken anything. I haven’t been on my phone.

Barret: yeah, because Harris threatened to cut your fingers

Ilya <3: Correct. I happen to be very fond of my fingers.

Ilya<3: Shane is too

Barret: we know waay too much about eo

Young: you walked right into that one, barrett

Ilya <3: that’s what I was saying, thanks kiddo

Young: no problem, gramps.

Haas:

Ilya <3: we are not focusing on topic. What did Shane and I break?

Haas: the internet

Again?

Ilya <3: again?

Haas: yup

Shane clicks on the article, and soon enough right on his screen the peace of media that had his team lashing out this morning.

Make Hockey gayer: should NHL players be sucking each other’s dicks?

Historically, the National Hockey League has been built upon three unquestionable pillars: testosterone, an alarming disregard for dental hygiene and social conservatism that would make your uncle at Christmas dinner sound progressive. However, our beloved/hated (per the same amount) sport recently has suffered a queerfication, which has forced sports analysts to reexamine not only their prejudices, but their advanced performance metrics as well.

That queerfication included but was not limited to Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander. The two generational hockey talents, who had spent years battling for the NHL throne on the ice, turned out to be sharing much more than a spot on the podium.

And that has arisen questions.

After being forced out of the closet by Hayden Pike’s fumbling with a record device, the truth came to light (or to twitter):  the sport’s greatest rivalry was a years-ling romance. While the exact timeline remains private, their subsequent engagement raises purely tactical questions that we can no longer ignore.

How long?

Had Hollander won his back-to-back Stanley cups before or after Rozanov sucked his dick for the very first time?

Did Rozanov came up with his signature movement (one that only Shane Hollander had been able to replicate to the date, this author would like to add) after a particularly successful night between the sheets?

Front-office analytics departments spend millions of dollars optimizing athlete performances, yet they may be overlooking the most glaring variable. We must ask, from a strictly journalistic standpoint: should they be introducing certain off-ice incentives into their equations.

We can only speculate.

No franchise has understood this paradigm shift better than the Ottawa Centaurs. Following Hollander’s high-profile (and controversial) trade and persistent rumors surrounding their youngest player, Haas, the Canadian franchise has proudly been laureated as the “gayest roaster in the league”. Boasting three officially out players, general management is just one Scott Hunter away from completing the NHL’s Pride trading card collection.

And the results speak for themselves, Hollander-Rozanov’s first married season ended the only way it realistically could: with both of them hoisting the Cup together, painting fever dream that no one could have came up with about a season ago. This image did more than just inflict emotional damage on the sport’s most traditionalist sectors; it created a core memory for any queer teen who once feared they were too gay for the sport.

Not to mention the grueling Eastern Conference Final between New York Admirals and the Centaurs that pushed to a Game 7, which could be as gay as hockey could get.

So, one questions… as hockey is a sport fiercely devoted to patterns, playoff beards, and absurd superstitions. Under that logic, and witnessing the undeniable success, the question for the rest of the league is obvious: shouldn’t all hockey players try the gay route?

Perhaps a bit of genuine affection in the locker room is exactly what the Montreal Voyagers need to avoid finishing dead last again next season.

Happy pride, hockey fans. Stay mad!

Silence filled their bedroom.

Shane clicks his tongue, besides him Ilya finishes reading the article with a soft snort.

“I am not sure if she has been supportive or homophobic,” Ilya mutters.

“Honestly… same here.”

The ruffle of their bed sheets drowns the room as Ilya leaves the bed to let Anya into the room. Shane observes his husband’s toned back hungrily; he might never be over the idea of waking up every morning in Ilya’s arms. No matter how long it had been, no matter the ring on his finger, no matter the hyphenated last name that no one really used. It all felt too fragile sometimes.

But not that morning, when they went through the motions, coffee, breakfast, feed Anya, kiss on the counter, a hand on his hip, bickering… and going back to the article.

“You know what is nice?” Shane says shyly.

“Tell me,” Ilya fires back, turning to look at him, impossibly soft in his apron that Shane’s father gifted him one year for secret Santa.

“That for the very first time, that journalist hadn’t linked our relationship to our failures or our lost games, she had made it sound as if made us stronger. And, you know, that felt nice, even if the thing was completely unhinged.”

“Oh, moya lyubov',” Ilya said softly, turning off the stove and leaving the spatula on the counter, walked over where Shane was cutting off the fresh fruit and hugged him. Enveloping him in his warm embrace, grounding him.

“It’s dumb, but some part of me felt like we had to spend a large part of our relationship justifying our love to others, and in a silly way the idea that we are this good at hockey because we make each other better, and because of that we make sense… I don’t know it was a pleasant change.”

Ilya hums. “It was.”

Ilya doesn’t add anything. He knows that there were some cuts that ran deep in Shane’s soul, and that comment in the Montreal locker room a year ago, was still a raw stitch.

They stayed like that for a while, just holding each other in the space of their home. God knew that despite everything, it had not been an easy season. Shane had to work through the complicated feeling of playing in a different team, after thinking that he was going to retire with the Voyagers colours on his chest; not being captain anymore and not playing in the first line. Even if he didn’t regret his choice, sometimes it could be difficult to afront. Ilya also had to work through the fear that Shane could resent him for that and the deep feeling that his husband was unhappy in Ottawa.

However, after hours of therapy on both ends and a long season beating every one’s asses, it was safe to say that some of their insecurities had subsided.

“So, you think you are good because I challenge you and not because how good I suck your dick?”

Shane laughs, “fuck off.”

“No, I must call this journalist and tell her that she is wrong. Is not the sucking, maybe is just my charming presence next to you.”

Shane stares at Ilya fondly. “You are so humble.”

Ilya smiles widely, “It’s a shame that there is only one of me. Every hockey player should be blessed with an Ilya Hollander-Rozanov to make them better.”

Shane frowned, even if his lips are tugging upwards. There was something in the way Ilya said his name with their both last names, that made Shane’s stomach go gooey.

 “No. You are only mine; the rest of the players can go fuck themselves.”

“Oh, Shane Hollander is greedy.”

“Hollander-Rozanov,” he corrects, punctuating it with a kiss.

Ilya smiles into his lips and let’s go sweetly.

Shane’s phone buzzes against the counter.

The guys

Hayden: well, it’s a fact that you always played better after seeing Ilya.

Hayden: although I would have preferred if that image had not been implanted in my brain, thank you.

JJ: should I try hooking up with a dude.

JJ: we really did suck this season

Hayden: dude?

JJ: what you have never been curious about how it would be like?

Hayden: dude????

Don’t lie pike, you have had fantasies about shane

Hayden: go fuck yourself, rozanov

Hollander-rozanov*

And no, I go fuck shane

It makes me better player haven’t you heard

I bet you are jealous

As monteral’s 15^th best player

Hayden: get out of our gc 

Ottawa Centaurs

Hayes: I must admit that the tweets are hilarious

Boodram: right??? People are so creative.

LaPointe: but like… do you think is true?

Haas: …

Haas:

LaPointe: lmaoooooo, haasy what

Ilya Hollander-Rozanov @ilyahrozanov81

My husband and I had kept the timeline of our relationship private for a multitude of reasons, one of them being the fact that other choices regarding how public we wanted to be were stolen from us. We don’t owe anyone any explanation, but after the recent conversations circulating around, I decided to make this very clear: yes, I was sucking Hollander's dick before he won his firs Stanley Cup. Did that made him win? I don’t know.

I firmly believe that while we kept pushing each other towards greatness, something that we still do, most of our victories come from our own drive to be better.

All this to say, if anyone in the league feels compelled to start sucking dicks because Shane Hollander does, go ahead, but I am afraid that no one would ever be as good as him.

Mariah @Queerhockey

answering to Ilya Hollander-Rozanov @ilyahrozanov81

I love how he didn’t specify

Ilya Hollander-Rozanov @ilyahrozanov81

answering to Mariah @Queerhockey

Yes

Shane Hollander-Rozanov @theShaneHollanderRHockeyPlayer24

answering to  Ilya Hollander-Rozanov @ilyahrozanov81

ILYA. DELETE.

Troy Barret @troybarretcentaurs

answering to Ilya Hollander-Rozanov @ilyahrozanov81

Harris is about to pass out fyi