Work Text:
Niko thought heartbreak would be loud. He thought it would sound like screaming matches, doors slamming, someone throwing words sharp enough to leave scars behind. He thought if things ever ended between him and Aj, it would happen because one of them stopped caring.
Instead, it happened quietly. Which somehow hurt so much worse. Their dorm room was dark except for the orange glow of the desk lamp near Aj's side of the room. Niko sat on the edge of his bed, elbows on his knees, watching Aj pretend to read through notes he hadn't turned a page on in almost twenty minutes.
It had been like this for weeks now. Careful touches. Almost kisses. Long nights tangled together until sunrise only for Aj to pull away the second morning came around. They existed in this horrible in between where Niko loved him openly while Aj loved him like it was something shameful. Niko was getting tired of pretending it didn't hurt.
"Aj" Niko called.
Aj's fingers stilled against the paper immediately. That alone nearly killed Niko. Because Aj always answered to him. Always listened when it was him.
"What?" Aj asked softly, though his voice already sounded tired. Like he knew where this conversation was going and hated it already.
"What are we doing?" Niko asked.
Aj let out a tiny laugh at that. Not a real one. One of those sad little exhale laughs people do when they're cornered.
"You know what we're doing" Aj said.
"No, I actually don't" Niko said as he stood up abruptly, frustrated energy buzzing under his skin.
"One minute you're in my bed, kissing me like you can't breathe without me, then the next you act like I imagined the whole thing" Niko added.
Aj finally looked at him then and that was the problem. Aj always looked at him like he loved him too much. It made everything harder.
"You think this is easy for me?" Aj asked quietly.
"Then stop making it hard" Niko said.
Silence settled between them, it felt so heavy and suffocating.
"I love you" Niko said as he walked closer until he was standing in front of Aj's desk.
Aj's eyes shut immediately like hearing it physically hurt him now.
"I know" Aj whispered.
"No, I don't think you do. Because if you understood how much, you wouldn't keep pushing me away like this" Niko said as his voice cracked despite himself.
"That's exactly why I'm pushing you away" Aj said as he stood up too quickly, chair scraping harshly against the floor.
Niko stared at him. Aj looked exhausted. Proper exhausted. Eyes dark from sleepless nights, shoulders tense, hands shaking slightly at his sides. Like he'd been fighting himself for weeks and was finally losing.
"You're meant for more than this, Nik" Aj said.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Niko asked as he frowned immediately.
Aj laughed again, quieter this time. Bitter.
"It means look at you" Aj said as he gestured helplessly toward him.
"You're good with people. You're loud, and warm, and everyone loves you. Your mum adores you. Your family talks about your future like it's already written out perfectly for you. You're supposed to end up with some nice girl you bring home for Christmas. Get married. Have kids. Normal things" Aj added.
Niko felt something ugly twist painfully in his chest.
"And you think I don't want that with you?" Niko asked.
"That's not the point" Aj said as he looked away immediately.
"It is the point" Niko said.
"No, it isn't! Because you can want me all you like right now but one day you'll wake up and realise this isn't enough" Aj snapped suddenly, voice finally breaking.
"You seriously think I'd leave you because you're not a girl?" Niko asked him in disbelief.
"I think eventually you'll want the life everyone expects you to have" Aj said.
"And what if the life I want is you?" Niko said.
Aj's face crumpled slightly at that.
God.
That nearly destroyed Niko on the spot.
Because Aj looked like he wanted to believe him so badly but couldn't.
"You don't understand" Aj said as he shook his head slowly.
"Then make me understand" Niko said.
Aj pressed both hands over his face for a second before speaking again, voice muffled and uneven.
"You'll hate me one day" Aj said.
"What?" Niko asked.
"You will. Maybe not now. Maybe not next year. But eventually you'll resent me for being the reason you can't have the life you're supposed to" Aj said as he looked at him again, eyes glossy now.
"You think loving you ruins my life?" Niko asked as he stared at him like he'd gone insane.
Aj didn't answer, which was answer enough. Niko felt tears sting unexpectedly at his eyes, frustration and heartbreak tangling together until he could barely breathe.
"That's what you think of yourself?" Niko asked.
Aj's jaw tightened immediately. Aj opened his mouth to argue but Niko immediately cut him off.
"No, seriously. You think being with you would ruin me?" Niko asked as he laughed shakily, wiping angrily at his face.
Aj looked devastated now but he still said nothing. And honestly? That hurt more than if he'd shouted. Niko moved closer again until they were barely inches apart.
"I would've given you everything. You know that, right?" Niko asked quietly.
"I know" Aj said as his breathing visibly faltered.
"I would've stayed" Niko said.
"I know" Aj said.
"I love you" Niko said.
Aj looked like he was seconds away from breaking apart completely.
"I know" Aj whispered again, voice cracking this time.
Niko hated how much that sounded like goodbye. Then Aj did the cruelest thing possible. He reached for him. His fingers curled into the fabric of Niko's hoodie softly, carefully, like touching him one last time. His forehead dropped against Niko's shoulder and for a moment neither of them spoke. Niko could feel him trembling.
"You need to let me go" Aj whispered.
Niko shut his eyes immediately because hearing that from Aj felt unbearable.
"I can't" Niko whispered.
"You have to" Aj said.
"I don't want anyone else" Niko said.
Aj made this awful broken sound in the back of his throat.
"You say that now" Aj said.
"I'll say it ten years from now too" Niko said.
Aj pulled away then before Niko could stop him. That hurt too. Everything hurt. Aj wiped furiously at his eyes before speaking again, forcing the words out like they were cutting his throat on the way up.
"You'll find some girl eventually. Some girl who's easy to love publicly. Someone your parents can ask about without confusion. Someone you can marry properly without hiding" Aj said.
Niko stared at him for a long moment then he said quietly,
"I think that girl's always gonna hate you" Niko said.
"What?" Aj asked as he frowned weakly.
"Because no matter who she is... She'll always know I loved you first" Niko said
Aj looked away immediately after that because tears finally started falling down his face. And Niko realised then that Aj had probably been preparing himself for this breakup long before tonight. That maybe every time Aj kissed him, he was already grieving him. Which somehow made it even worse.
////_////_////_////
Aj had never hated himself more than he did when Niko started begging. Because it would have been easier if Niko got angry. If he shouted. If he called Aj cruel. If he stormed out and slammed the door hard enough to shake the walls of the dorm.
Instead, Niko stood there looking completely shattered, eyes red and wet, still trying to fight for them like they were something worth saving. Like Aj was something worth keeping.
"Please" Niko whispered.
That word alone nearly made Aj fold. The room felt unbearably small now. Too warm. Too quiet except for the uneven sound of Niko trying not to cry properly. Aj kept his arms folded tightly across his chest because if he reached for him again, he knew he'd lose whatever little resolve he had left.
"Nik, don't do this" Aj said quietly.
"No, because you're not listening to me" Niko said as he stepped closer desperately.
"I can change" Niko added.
Aj's face twisted immediately.
God
That hurt
"What?" Aj asked.
"I'll do whatever you want, if you want me to stop telling people about us, fine. If you want space, I'll give you space. If you want me to slow down then I'll slow down, I swear to God I will, just--" Niko rushed out.
"Niko" Aj said.
"--just don't end this" Niko added.
Aj looked physically sick hearing that.
"You think this is because you did something wrong?" Aj asked.
"Then tell me what it is! Tell me what I'm supposed to fix because I'll fix it" Niko said.
"There's nothing wrong with you" Aj said as he shook his head immediately.
"Then why am I losing you?" Niko asked.
Silence happened between them. The kind that suffocated. Niko looked at him like he was waiting for Aj to save him. Aj had never felt more evil in his life.
"You're not losing me" Aj whispered.
"That's literally what this is" Niko said as he laughed weakly through tears.
Aj looked away because he couldn't stand seeing him cry anymore. But Niko kept going. Because Niko loved loudly. Desperately. Completely.
"You think I care about any of that-- thing? Marriage? Kids? Expectations? I don't care. I care about you" Niko asked, voice trembling.
"You say that now" Aj said as he swallowed hard enough it hurt.
"I'll say it forever" Niko said.
"You can't promise that" Aj said.
"Yes, I can!" Niko snapped.
Aj flinched at the volume. Niko noticed immediately and his face crumpled.
"Sorry. Sorry. I'm not shouting at you, I just--" Niko whispered instantly.
His breathing broke halfway through the sentence. Aj felt his own eyes sting. This was exactly why he had to do this. Because Niko loved him so much he would burn himself alive trying to keep Aj warm. And Aj couldn't let him.
"You deserve a future you don't have to fight for" Aj said quietly.
"You are my future" Niko said as he stared at him in disbelief.
Aj nearly broke then. He had to turn away completely because his face was betraying him now, tears slipping down despite how hard he tried to stop them.
"You don't mean that" Aj whispered shakily.
"I do" Niko said.
"No, you mean it right now" Aj said.
"I'll mean it tomorrow too" Niko said.
Aj covered his mouth for a second, breathing uneven.
"You don't get it. One day your mum's gonna ask you when you're settling down properly. Your friends are gonna get married. Have kids. Move on with their lives and you're gonna look at me and realize I can't give you any of that" Aj whispered.
Niko looked horrified at that thought alone.
"You think I'd resent you for that?" Niko asked.
"I think eventually you'll regret me" Aj said.
Niko stared at him for a long time after that.
"You really think loving you is something I'll regret?" Niko asked.
Aj couldn't answer because if he spoke, he'd cry properly. And if he cried properly, he'd take everything back. Niko moved closer anyway.
"I love you so much, Aj" Niko muttered.
Aj shut his eyes immediately because hearing it out loud felt unbearable now.
"I know" Aj said.
"No, I don't think you do. Because if you understood how much, you'd know there's nobody else after you for me" Niko said as his tears finally fell freely.
Aj felt his chest cave in. He wanted to grab him. Wanted to kiss him. Wanted to apologize for every horrible thing he was doing right now. Instead he forced himself to stay still.
"You'll move on" Aj said.
"I don't want to" Niko said.
"You'll have to" Aj said.
Niko shook his head hard immediately like even hearing that hurt him physically.
"No" Niko said.
Aj's own tears fell harder.
God
Why did Niko still sound so sure about him?
Why did he still love him this much?
It would have been easier if Niko hated him.
"So that's it?" Niko asked.
"That has to be it" Aj said as his throat tightened painfully.
Niko looked down at the floor for a long time. When he finally spoke again, his voice sounded frighteningly calm.
"Okay" Niko said.
Aj frowned immediately because that wasn't right. Niko wasn't okay. Then Niko looked back up at him with red eyes and said softly,
"Then give me one night" Niko said.
"One night. That's all I want" Niko added.
"Niko" Aj said.
"Please" Niko pleaded.
Aj's chest ached hearing how broken he sounded.
"One night where we pretend you still love me" Niko said.
Aj made this awful wounded sound because that wasn't fair.
"I do love you" Aj said.
"Then let me have tonight" Niko said.
Aj looked at him helplessly. Niko stepped closer again until they were nearly touching.
"Tomorrow, you can walk away from me forever if that's what you really want" Niko whispered shakily.
Aj's face twisted painfully.
"But tonight? Tonight can you just be mine again?" Niko asked.
That sentence nearly destroyed him. Because Aj realized this was Niko grieving him in real time. Already mourning something that wasn't even fully gone yet. Aj should've said no. He knew he should've. But Niko was looking at him like he was drowning. And Aj had always been weak when it came to him.
So eventually, after a horrible silence, Aj nodded once. Niko looked like that hurt him too. Like even getting permission for one last night felt tragic. Then suddenly Niko grabbed his face with shaking hands and kissed him so desperately. Nothing like their usual kisses. This one felt like grief.
Aj melted instantly anyway because he was just as pathetic about Niko. Their mouths moved against each other messily, tears mixing between them, both of them crying too hard to kiss properly anymore. Niko kept holding his face like he was terrified Aj would disappear if he let go.
"I love you, I love you, I love you so much--" Niko whispered against his mouth over and over again.
Aj kissed him harder just to stop himself from sobbing. Because the horrifying thing was, Aj loved him enough to let him go. And Niko loved him enough to beg him to stay anyway. Which meant neither of them actually won.
////_////_////_////
The strange thing about grief was how normal everything looked while it was happening. But inside that room, Niko felt like he was watching his entire life collapse quietly. Aj sat on the edge of the bed while Niko moved around the room pretending he had a reason to. He picked up clothes that didn't need folding. Adjusted things already straight. Anything to avoid looking directly at Aj for too long.
Because every time he did, the reality hit him all over again. This was the last night. Tomorrow Aj would wake up and choose a life without him. And the horrifying thing was that Aj looked just as miserable about it. Niko finally stopped moving when he realized his hands were shaking too badly to even fold a hoodie properly. Aj noticed too. Aj always noticed everything about him.
"Niko" Aj said.
That soft voice nearly cracked something open inside him. Niko looked over slowly. Aj was watching him with that same devastating expression he'd had all evening. Like he wanted to memorize Niko before forcing himself to lose him.
"You alright?" Aj asked quietly.
Niko laughed weakly at that.
"No, not really" Niko said.
Aj's eyes lowered immediately. Silence settled again after that. Not awkward silence. The kind filled with too many things neither of them could survive saying out loud.
Eventually Niko walked over and stood between Aj's knees. For a second neither of them moved. Then Aj reached for him first. That nearly ruined Niko completely. Aj's hands slid slowly under his hoodie, resting against his waist gently like he was handling something fragile. Niko immediately leaned into him without thinking, forehead dropping against Aj's. They stayed like that for a while. Breathing each other in. Trying not to cry again.
"I hate this" Niko whispered eventually.
Aj shut his eyes.
"I know" Aj said.
"No, you don't. Tomorrow I have to wake up and act like I didn't just lose the best thing that's ever happened to me" Niko said.
Aj inhaled sharply at that.
"And you're gonna expect me to be normal after this? How am I supposed to look at you after tonight and pretend I'm okay?" Niko asked as he laughed shakily.
Aj looked like he physically didn't have an answer for him. Because he didn't. The truth was neither of them were ever going to be okay after this. Niko climbed onto the bed beside him eventually, and for a little while they tried so desperately to pretend things were normal again.
Aj rested against the headboard while Niko laid half on top of him, listening to his heartbeat. That heartbeat had become home to him somewhere along the way. And now he had to leave it behind. Niko felt tears sting again unexpectedly. Aj noticed immediately.
"You're crying again" Aj whispered sadly.
"I can't stop" Niko said.
Aj's face twisted before he gently wiped under Niko's eyes with his thumb. That almost made Niko sob properly. Because Aj was still being soft with him. Still holding him carefully. Still loving him while actively choosing to leave him.
"How are you doing this? How are you letting me go like this?" Niko whispered brokenly.
Aj's hand froze against his face. For a long moment he didn't answer.
"You think this doesn't feel like killing myself too?" Aj asked.
Niko's chest tightened painfully. Aj looked away after saying it, jaw tense like he regretted letting that truth slip out. But it was too late now. Niko had heard it. And somehow knowing Aj was suffering just as badly made everything infinitely worse.
"You could stay. You still could" Niko whispered immediately.
Aj smiled then. That smile was heartbreaking. Small. Tired. Devastated.
"If I stay, I'll spend the rest of my life terrified I ruined yours" Aj said quietly.
"You won't" Niko said.
"But I'll think I did" Aj said.
Niko had no response to that.
Because how were you supposed to argue with someone who hated themselves that much?
Hours passed strangely after that. Slow and unbearably fast all at once. They talked about stupid things because neither of them could handle talking about tomorrow for too long. Niko told Aj about a someone he hated. Aj laughed quietly at one of George's old stories.
At some point they ordered food neither of them properly ate. Niko kept staring at Aj across the room every few minutes like he was trying to permanently burn him into memory. The way his curls fell over his forehead. The way he rubbed his thumb over soda cans absentmindedly.
The way he always looked at Niko softer than everyone else. Everything felt important now. Everything hurt. Around two in the morning, they ended up back in bed together. Not sleeping. Just holding each other in the dark. Niko's head rested against Aj's chest while Aj played absentmindedly with his fingers.
"I'm scared" Niko admitted quietly.
Aj's hand paused.
"Of what?" Aj asked.
"That one day I won't remember this properly" Niko said.
"You will" Aj said.
"What if I forget your voice?" Niko asked.
"You won't forget my voice, idiot" Aj said as he laughed softly through his own tears.
Niko smiled weakly for about two seconds before crying again and that was the horrible part about the entire night. They kept almost forgetting they were breaking apart. Then one tiny thing would remind them. And it would start hurting all over again.
At around four in the morning, Niko finally broke properly. It happened quietly. Aj was half asleep, fingers still tangled with his, when suddenly he felt Niko shaking against him. Not laughing. Crying violently trying not to make noise while sobbing into Aj's hoodie. Aj sat up immediately.
"Niko" Aj said.
"No, no, don't look at me" Niko said as he hid his face harder.
Aj's own heart cracked hearing how embarrassed he sounded. He grabbed Niko gently anyway, pulling him close until Niko was practically folded into his chest. Niko cried like his body couldn't hold the pain anymore.
"I can't do this. I can't wake up tomorrow and lose you" Niko choked out.
Aj held him tighter despite his own tears falling now too.
"You'll survive this" Aj said.
"I don't want to" Niko said.
That sentence nearly stopped Aj's breathing. Niko looked up at him then with swollen eyes and whispered the most devastating thing Aj had ever heard.
"I think I'll miss you for the rest of my life" Niko said.
Aj completely broke after that. Actually broke. His face crumpled as he pulled Niko against him desperately, both of them crying so hard neither could speak properly anymore.
Because the horrifying thing was, Aj knew he would too. He would miss Niko in every future he ever had. In every room. Every laugh. Every quiet moment before sleeping. There would always be a version of his life where Niko belonged there instead.
And he was choosing to live without it anyway. By the time dawn finally started appearing through the curtains, neither of them had slept. The sky turned soft blue slowly, cruelly. Morning truly came, which means for Niko, it was the end. Niko noticed the sunlight first and immediately started crying again.
"No, no, no, no..." Niko whispered desperately, like morning itself had betrayed him.
Aj felt sick. Niko clutched his hoodie tightly like if he held on hard enough maybe time would stop moving.
"Please, please don't make this the end" Niko whispered brokenly.
Aj pressed his forehead against Niko's and shut his eyes because he genuinely thought his heart might give out. But when he spoke, his voice still came out shattered.
"I'm sorry" Aj said.
////_////_////_////
The breakup didn't end loudly. There was no dramatic final argument after that night. No last minute chase through the rain. No miraculous confession that fixed everything.
Morning came. Aj left first. And somehow that made it real. Niko remembered lying there in the silence afterward, staring at the dent Aj's body left behind on the mattress. His hoodie still smelled like him. There were tear stains on the pillow beside his own. Half drunk water bottles on the desk. Aj's fingerprints probably still somewhere on his skin.
Everything in the room screamed Aj. But Aj himself was gone. And Niko genuinely didn't know how people survived things like that.
The first few days were unbearable. Not because they fought. But because they didn't. Aj stopped coming back to their house unless he absolutely had to. When he did, he timed it carefully around Niko's filming schedule. He slept at friends' places sometimes. Stayed in the other's houses until ridiculous hours. Anywhere except near him.
Then Beta Squad itself ended. No warning, no nothing, just gone when the others learned of their situation. Tht immediately knew it was the end of it. Even if they force the two to come along just for a video, they knew it wouldn't hit as much as it did before. So they decided to stop it. Not the friendship, just the channel. And eventually, Aj moved out of the house too.
At first, Niko hated him for that. Then eventually he realized the truth. Aj wasn't avoiding him because he didn't care. Aj was avoiding him because he cared too much. And that somehow hurt even more.
Because every avoidance felt deliberate. Painfully thought out. Like Aj woke up every morning and chose to lose him all over again. Meanwhile Niko was falling apart in embarrassingly obvious ways. George noticed first.
"You look rough" George said cautiously one afternoon.
"Cheers" Niko said as he laughed without humor.
"No, like actually rough" George said.
Niko shrugged.
Because what was he supposed to say?
Sorry mate, the boy I loved looked at me like I was his entire world then left me anyway?
Some things sounded too pathetic out loud. The worst part was how his body still searched for Aj automatically. Every room. Every laugh that vaguely sounded like him made Niko's head snap up before he could stop himself. Then disappointment would hit immediately after. It was exhausting and humiliating.
Some nights he still woke up expecting Aj beside him. Those mornings were the hardest. Because for one blissful second he forgot. Then reality came crashing back so hard it felt difficult to breathe. Aj wasn't doing much better. Though he hid it better than Niko did. That was always the difference between them. Niko's grief spilled everywhere. Aj swallowed his whole. But it was there.
Chunkz found him sitting alone outside one evening long after midnight, hoodie pulled over his head despite the warm weather.
"You look dead" Chunkz said bluntly before sitting beside him.
Aj snorted weakly.
"Helpful" Aj said.
"You seen Niko recently?" Chunkz asked as he glanced at him sideways.
Aj immediately stiffened. That reaction alone answered everything. Chunkz sighed quietly after that.
"You lot are actually stupid" Chunkz said.
Aj laughed softly, though it sounded broken around the edges.
"Probably" Aj said.
"You miss him?" Chunkz asked.
Aj looked away immediately. The silence lasted too long. Chunkz's expression softened slightly after that because he understood.
Of course he did.
Aj rubbed tiredly at his face before speaking quietly.
"It's easier like this" Aj said.
"You sure?" Chunkz asked as he frowned.
"No" Aj admitted.
That honesty surprised even himself.
"No, but if I see him again..." Aj said as his throat tightened painfully.
"I don't think I'll leave the second time" Aj added.
And that was the terrifying part. Aj knew himself too well. One look at Niko and all his resolve would disappear. Because he still loved him disgustingly much. Still caught himself checking if Niko's light was on when he passed the dorm building at night. Still looked for him in crowds without meaning to. Still remembered the exact sound of Niko crying against his chest during their last night together.
Nothing had gotten easier. They'd just gotten better at suffering separately. A month later, they accidentally saw each other for the first time since the breakup. And it nearly ruined both of them instantly.
Niko had just left the studio when he spotted Aj at the far end of the corridor. The entire world seemed to stop. Aj froze too. For one horrible second neither of them moved. Niko felt his chest physically ache seeing him again.
Aj looked thinner and tired. His curls were longer now, falling into his eyes slightly. Niko still loved him so much it made him feel sick. Aj looked at him the exact same way. Like seeing Niko hurt him and healed him simultaneously.
And that was the problem. One glance and suddenly all the progress disappeared. Every sleepless night. Every attempt at moving on.
Gone.
Niko's feet almost moved toward him automatically before he stopped himself. Because he remembered. Aj didn't choose him. Aj left.
Meanwhile Aj was gripping the strap of his bag so tightly his knuckles hurt. He wanted to walk over. Wanted to ask if Niko had been eating properly because he looked exhausted. Wanted to hear his voice again so badly it made his chest burn.
Instead he stepped back first. Always him stepping back first. Niko noticed. The hurt on his face was immediate. Aj nearly caved right there. But then Niko looked away too. And somehow that hurt even worse.
Because now they were both doing it. Avoiding each other like eye contact alone could reopen every wound. Maybe it could. They passed each other silently after that. Close enough for shoulders to almost brush. Neither of them breathed properly until they were already far apart.
And the cruelest thing? Both of them looked back at the exact same time. Only to find the other already turning away again.
////_////_////_////
I'm gonna hold your hand once you reach this...
Aj found the invitation on a random Thursday evening. He almost missed it entirely. It had been shoved between bills and work letters on the kitchen counter of his flat, cream envelope slightly bent at the corner from where he'd tossed his keys over it earlier.
He only picked it up because he recognized the handwriting instantly. Which was ridiculous. Years later and he still recognized Niko's handwriting immediately.
That alone told him enough before he even opened it. Aj stared at the envelope for a long time. Long enough that the tea he'd made went cold beside him.
Then finally, carefully, like it might hurt him physically, he opened it and there it was.
Nikolas Omilana and--
Aj's eyes stopped there for a second. Not because it surprised him. It didn't. This was always how the story was supposed to end. Niko had the life Aj always imagined for him now. A beautiful fiancée. A proper wedding venue. Elegant invitations with gold lettering and family names underneath. The exact future Aj had sacrificed himself for.
So why did his chest still ache looking at it?
Aj sat down slowly at the kitchen table. The invitation trembled slightly between his fingers. He stared at the date. Then the location. Then Niko's name again.
Years. It had been years. Years since that final night in their house. Years since Niko cried into his chest at four in the morning whispering, I think I'll miss you for the rest of my life.
Aj wondered briefly if he remembered saying that. He probably did. Some things didn't leave people. Aj leaned back in his chair and laughed softly to himself. Not because anything was funny. Just because life was strange sometimes.
Niko was getting married. Actually married. The thing Aj once convinced himself he could never give him. And the horrifying thing? Aj was happy for him. Genuinely. That was the worst part. Because there was no bitterness left anymore. No anger. No resentment. Just this quiet aching tenderness he'd never fully managed to get rid of.
He wondered what she was like. The girl. No-- woman now, probably. He wondered if she knew Niko talked in his sleep sometimes. If she knew he got clingier when he was stressed. If she knew he hated thunderstorms despite pretending he didn't. Aj hoped she loved him properly.
God
He hoped she loved him enough
Eventually Aj stood up and carried the invitation to the living room where the evening light hit softer. He sat on the sofa staring at it while the sky outside darkened slowly.
Should he go?
The question sat heavy in his chest. Part of him wanted to. Not because he still thought there was unfinished business between them. There wasn't. Life had moved on. So had they. But Niko had once been the center of his entire universe.
And some small selfish part of Aj wanted to see him one last time. Wanted proof he was okay. Wanted proof letting him go had actually led him somewhere beautiful. Aj could already imagine it too vividly. Niko standing at the altar smiling that stupid bright smile of his. Nervous hands. Loud family. Friends laughing too hard somewhere in the crowd. Looking so happy, finally happy.
Aj closed his eyes for a moment. Then reality settled in quietly after. If he attended, people would notice. Of course they would. Someone would whisper eventually.
Isn't that his ex?
And suddenly attention would shift for even a second away from the bride. Away from the woman actually marrying Niko. Aj couldn't do that to her. Couldn't stand there like some ghost from Niko's past haunting the happiest day of his life. That wasn't fair. Not to her. Not to Niko either.
Because despite everything, Aj still loved him enough to want that day untouched. Purely his. So in the end, Aj didn't go.
The wedding day arrived warm and sunny anyway. Aj knew because he checked the weather without thinking. Pathetic, honestly. He spent most of the day distracting himself. Cleaning his house. Doing work emails he'd already answered twice. Making coffee he barely drank.
Around evening, Chunkz texted him a blurry photo from the reception. Niko in a suit. Smiling. His arm wrapped around his bride while she laughed at something off camera. Aj stared at the image quietly for a long time.
And strangely, it didn't destroy him the way he once thought it would. It hurt. Of course it hurt. There would probably always be a part of him that ached a little when it came to Niko.
But alongside the ache was relief too. Because Niko looked loved. Aj looked down at the photo and smiled softly to himself.
"You got your future after all" Aj whispered, to nobody but himself.
And later that night, long after the wedding had probably ended, Aj placed the invitation carefully back inside its envelope instead of throwing it away. Not because he was still clinging onto the past. But because once upon a time, there had been a boy who loved him with his whole heart. And even if they were never meant to stay, that kind of love deserved to be kept somewhere gentle.
////_////_////_////
Aj had just turned off the lights in his living room when the knock came. It wasn't loud. Just annoyingly deliberate. Like whoever stood outside wasn't unsure, but wasn't fully brave either.
Aj froze. Because something about that knock didn't belong to strangers. He didn't move for a second. Then another knock came. Same rhythm. Same hesitation hidden under control. Aj exhaled slowly, already knowing before he even opened the door that his life was about to do something cruel again.
When he finally opened it, Niko was standing there. Still in his wedding suit. Not changed. Not cleaned up. Not softened by the night. The tie was loosened slightly, jacket still on, hair slightly messy like he'd run his hands through it too many times. There was something unsteady in the way he stood too, like he hadn't fully decided if he was supposed to be here or not.
Tired eyes. Slightly dishevelled hair. Like he had travelled far without resting properly. Aj's heart dropped instantly.
"What are you doing here?" Aj asked his voice came out quieter than he intended.
Niko didn't answer immediately. He just looked at him. Like he was trying to confirm Aj was real. Like if he blinked too long, Aj might disappear again.
"You're supposed to be elsewhere, with your wife" Aj added, swallowing.
That word hit the air like something heavy. Niko flinched slightly at it, but didn't correct him.
"Can I come in?" Niko asked.
Aj hesitated. Every instinct in him screamed no. Not because he didn't want him there. But because nothing good had ever come from letting Niko in when emotions were still raw.
But Aj stepped aside anyway. Because he always did. Niko walked in slowly, like he wasn't sure if he was allowed to exist there anymore. Aj closed the door behind him with more force than necessary, then turned around, arms already folded tightly across his chest.
"Why are you here?" Aj asked again, more steady this time.
"Niko, this isn't-- this isn't appropriate. You're married now" Aj added.
Niko let out a short, humorless breath.
"Yeah" Niko said.
Silence stretched. Aj's jaw tightened.
"I don't like this. Whatever this is. I don't want to be... part of something that crosses lines like this. I won't do that to her" Aj said quietly.
That was important to him. It had always been important. Even back then. Even when he was breaking himself apart loving Niko. Niko looked at him then, something unreadable flickering in his eyes.
"You think I'm here to cheat?" Niko asked.
Aj didn't answer immediately, but his silence was enough. Niko shook his head slightly.
"No, no, Aj. That's not why I'm here" Niko said.
Aj's shoulders lowered a fraction, but the tension didn't leave his body.
"Then why?" Aj asked.
Niko stepped further into the room, then stopped like he wasn't sure how close he was allowed to be.
"You got what you wanted" Niko said as his voice came out quieter than before.
"What?" Aj asked as he frowned slightly.
Niko looked at him properly now. Like really looked at him.
"You wanted me to have a normal life. A proper one. A good one. No complications. No hiding. No chaos" Niko said.
Aj's throat tightened immediately.
"Did you leave her alone?" Aj asked.
Niko nodded once. That one small motion made Aj's chest tighten painfully.
"You shouldn't have done that. Niko, that's not fair on her" Aj said immediately, instinctively.
"I know" Niko said quietly.
"But neither was this" Niko added.
Aj froze. Because for the first time, Niko's voice wasn't angry. It wasn't blaming. It was just tired. Deeply, completely tired.
"You're the one who wanted me to marry a woman. Have a future people don't question. Something clean. Easy and safe" Niko continued, like he needed to say it all before he lost courage.
Aj went still. Because yes. He had wanted that. He had wanted it so badly he had torn himself out of Niko's life to make it happen.
"I did" Aj admitted softly.
Niko nodded once, like that confirmation hurt more than he expected.
"And I did it" Niko said.
Aj's chest tightened.
"I did it because you asked me to. Because you convinced yourself it was the right thing for me" Niko said, voice suddenly sharper, but not angry. Just broken around the edges.
Aj's mouth opened slightly, but nothing came out. Niko's hands curled into fists briefly before relaxing again.
"I gave you what you wanted I built it. I stayed in it. I did everything right" Niko said quietly.
"And I still ended up here" Niko added, softly.
That landed heavily in the room. Aj felt something inside him twist painfully. Because that wasn't anger. That was confusion. That was grief. That was Niko trying to make sense of something that still didn't feel whole even after he did everything "correctly"
Aj shook his head slightly.
"That's not what I meant. I never meant for you to-- to end up unhappy. I just wanted you safe. Stable. Something that wouldn't hurt you like we did" Aj said quietly.
Niko laughed once under his breath.
"You think I'm not still hurt?" Niko asked.
Aj went silent. Niko stepped closer then, just one step, like he couldn't stop himself.
"I have a good life. I have everything I'm supposed to have" Niko said.
"But you don't think I think about you every day?" Niko asked as his voice lowered.
Aj's breath caught.
"Niko..." Aj said.
"I don't regret marrying her. She didn't do anything wrong. She's kind. She deserves better than me looking like this right now" Niko added quickly, like he needed that to be clear.
Aj's expression softened despite himself.
"Niko, go back. You shouldn't be here" Aj said gently.
"I tried" Niko admitted.
That made Aj pause. Niko looked down briefly before continuing.
"I tried to be where I was supposed to be tonight. I tried to be the man I built. The one you wanted me to be" Niko said.
"But I couldn't sleep" Niko added
Aj's chest tightened again.
"I kept thinking about how you're probably sitting alone somewhere thinking you did the right thing" Niko said, slower now.
Niko's eyes were glossy now, but he wasn't crying yet. Not fully.
"I didn't come here to ruin anything. I didn't come here to hurt her. I didn't come here to blame you" Niko said.
"I came here because for the entire wedding, I kept thinking about how none of it felt like mine" Niko added.
Aj's breath caught.
"And I realized that I didn't marry a future, I married an idea" Niko continued as his voice broke slightly on the last word.
Aj didn't respond. Because he did think that. Most days. Niko finally looked up again.
"And I just needed to see you. Once. Just to make sure you're real. That this wasn't something I imagined surviving" Niko finished quietly.
Aj's throat tightened painfully. Because that was the part that hurt most. Not betrayal. Not romance. Just the fact that even years later, neither of them had fully left each other behind. Aj stepped forward slowly now, stopping just at a careful distance.
"You shouldn't have come" Aj said softly.
"I know" Niko said.
Aj looked at him properly then, something tired and aching in his expression.
"I did this for you. All of it. I didn't want you stuck in something that made your life smaller" Aj whispered.
Niko's eyes softened immediately.
"And I'm not blaming you. I never did" Niko said.
"I just don't think you understood that my life wasn't small with you in it" Niko added.
That silence afterwards was unbearable. Because neither of them had an answer for that. Outside, somewhere far away, the world kept moving. Inside, two people stood in the wreckage of a choice that had worked exactly as intended and still hurt them both anyway.
////_////_////_////
Aj didn't answer immediately. Not because he didn't understand. But because for the first time in a long time, there was nothing left in him that knew how to fix what was standing in front of him. Niko was still there in his wedding suit, breathing unevenly, like the world had finally caught up to him and he wasn't sure if he was allowed to exist in it anymore.
And Aj? Aj just looked at him. Really looked. Like he was trying to memorize him one last time without meaning to. Then Aj slowly exhaled. It wasn't dramatic. It wasn't angry. It was worse than both. It was acceptance.
"Niko" Aj said quietly.
Niko's eyes lifted immediately at the sound of his name. Aj stepped back slightly, hand still resting on the edge of the door like it was the only thing keeping him upright.
"You should go back" Aj said.
Niko didn't move. Aj swallowed once, throat tight.
"She's waiting for you" Aj added.
That sentence landed heavy in the space between them. Niko flinched at it, just slightly but he didn't argue. Because there was nothing left to argue for. Aj forced himself to continue, voice steadier now, like he was reading something off a page he had rehearsed too many times in his head.
"This-- whatever this is, it doesn't get another chapter" Aj said, gesturing faintly between them.
Niko's jaw tightened. Aj's eyes flickered, just for a second, like he almost broke his own rule mid sentence. But he didn't.
"We already tried" Aj whispered.
That made Niko's breath catch. Because it was true. They had tried. In their own room. In stolen nights. In quiet mornings they pretended didn't matter. In a last night that felt like dying slowly with someone holding your hand. They had tried until it turned into something that hurt more than it healed.
"And it still ended up like this" Aj said as his voice softened even further.
"We didn't, you didn't. We could've had something real. Precious. Something worth keeping for the rest of our life" Niko said.
"Because if we did, we wouldn't be looking like this right now. You would've been the one standing with me earlier" Niko added.
Silence again but it was longer this time. He stepped back fully now, opening the door wider, not inviting, not pushing, just ending the space between inside and outside. Niko looked at him like he was waiting for something else. Like maybe Aj would break the rule. Like maybe Aj would say stay. But Aj didn't.
Because if he did, Niko would never leave and if Niko never left, neither of them would ever survive it. So Aj nodded once, small and final.
"Go" Aj said quietly.
Niko didn't move at first. It was almost painful how still he stood there, like his body was refusing to accept what his life had become in the space of one night. Then slowly, like it physically hurt he nodded back. Not agreement. Just understanding. And that was worse. Niko turned first. That alone felt familiar in the most cruel way.
Aj watched him step out into the corridor, shoulders heavy in a suit that now looked too formal for a man walking away from his own wedding night. Niko stopped once at the doorway. Didn't turn fully back. Just paused. Like he was afraid that if he looked at Aj properly again, he'd collapse into something irreversible.
"You were right about one thing" Niko said quietly.
Aj didn't speak. Niko's voice came out softer than before.
"This was never simple" Niko said.
Aj shut his eyes for a second. Because that wasn't the ending he wanted. But it was the only one they had. Niko left. The door closed. Not slammed. Just closed. Like a chapter that didn't end in fire, but in something far more permanent, quiet refusal.
Aj stayed standing there long after the footsteps faded. Long after the building settled again. Long after everything stopped pretending something could still happen.
Somewhere out there, Niko was returning to a life that technically made sense. A bride waiting. A future already decided. A world where he fit neatly into every expectation he had once been pushed toward.
And Aj? Aj stayed in the same place. Not moving forward. Not going back. Just stuck in the exact shape of someone who had once been held too tightly by a love that never learned how to stay.
Because that was the cruelest part. They didn't lose each other. They just became something that could never reach each other properly again.
Was there a lifetime waiting for them in a world where they were each other's?
Or was it just the wrong time, something they almost got right, but never enough?
Maybe if they had tried giving in a little more. Maybe if they had stayed a little longer in the warmth they once knew. Tangled in nights that felt like forever, even when they were already slipping apart.
Never mind. They were never truly theirs to begin with. Just a glimpse. Just a version of something that could have been gentle. A good dream they both woke up from too late.
If either of them were honest in the quiet parts of their lives, they would've spent a lifetime waiting in vain.
Just to go back. Just to feel it again. Just to be them. Before everything became what it had to become. To the warmth they once had. To the almost. To the never again. All this time they had both still, quietly, belonged to something they could never keep.