Chapter Text
Neil Josten let his cigarette burn to the filter without once bringing it up to his lips, smoke filling the April air with glimpses of three years ago, of the California coast and a flaming car spurred on by gasoline. Rarely did Neil give himself the chance to relish in the simultaneously comforting and sickening reminder of his mother, but tonight was an exception. Tonight he needed to be reminded of knife wounds and rough hands so he didn't do something stupid like stay.
If Neil had learned anything from his mother it was to never stay long enough to get attached. He dreaded having to instill that same ideology in Sophie, but he had at least a few more years before she would start to realize they never settled down or kept the same identities. He was being selfish, letting them stay in Millport for almost a year. The town was small, with no more than 900 residents, so he could keep up with who was unfamiliar.
At least that's what he told himself to justify pretending to be real for as long as he could.
Neil crushed the useless stub beneath his feet and looked up. The stars were washed out by the blinding stadium lights. Still, he kept his gaze fixated there as if his eyes adjusting would make any difference. He sometimes wondered if his mother was watching over him. He hoped not. She would not tolerate this self-pity.
These moments were the only time he could just be "Neil" - whoever that was - without the weight of being the primary caregiver of a toddler and attempting to outrun what his mother started.
The creak of a door opening behind him startled him from his thoughts. Coach Hernandez propped the locker door open and make the short distance to sit beside Neil. He was taller than Neil - although that wasn't difficult - and had slightly graying strands scattered throughout his hair and beard.
"I didn't see your parents at the game," Hernandez said, the again going unsaid but not unheard.
"They're out of town," Neil replied.
"Still or again?"
Neither, but it was better he didn't know that. Neil had reused the same excuse countless times, even though he knew that his teachers and coach were likely tired of hearing it. But it was the only reasonable explanation for why no one ever saw the Jostens around town and why he and a small toddler had a habit of sleeping in the locker room. Hernandez was sure to know about their sleeping arrangements but never confronted him about it or called the cops. He chose Millport for a reason, it was a town slowly fading away, with too many elderly citizens and not enough young people to keep it populated. They technically had another place to live, but camping out in an unsold house in the suburbs was sure to go wrong at some point and the locker room had running water and benches to sleep on. He preferred that to the chilled floor.
Hernandez gave him a look when he didn't answer. "I thought they would make an exception tonight."
"No one thought it was the last game."
He looked back towards the court. The team's loss tonight had eliminated them from the state championships only two games from finals. With a single game, the season had ended for him and with it, the only thing that made him feel like a person. Exy was the only part of his childhood that he desperately wanted to keep, however selfish it was of him.
He promised Coach that he would inform his parents of the score later and continued with, "They didn't miss much."
"Not yet maybe," Hernandez said. "There's someone here to see you."
Electricity was shot down his spine. He never thought they would find him here. He was getting sloppy. Neil leapt to his feet and swung his duffel bag over his shoulder before the scuff of a shoe told him he was too late. He turned to see a large stranger standing in front of the locker room door - blocking one of his exits. The man wore a form-fitting white tank top that showed off tribal flame tattoos running down his arms. He stood causally, with one hand in his jeans pocket and the other holding a thick file, but the look in his brown eyes spoke of intent. Neil didn't recognize him. Neil wasn't sure if that was comforting or alarming. He didn't particularly wish to find out but he was limited on options.
"I don't know you," Neil said.
"He's from a University," Hernandez said. "He came to see you play tonight."
Neil scoffed. "Bullshit. No one recruits from Millport. No one knows where it is."
"Lucky for you, there's this thing called a map. Ever heard of it?" the stranger said, seemingly not put off by Neil's rudeness.
Coach, however, was, and quickly tried to mediate the situation. "I didn't want to get your hopes up kid, but I sent him your file after he put out a note saying he was short on strikers. I figured it was worth a shot."
Neil stared at him like he couldn't believe was he was saying. Because he couldn't. "You what?"
"I tried contacting your parents before today but they never answered. You said they would try to make it out."
"They did," Neil gritted out. "They couldn't make it."
"I can't wait for them," the stranger said, taking a few more steps toward Neil and Hernandez. It took everything in Neil not to take steps back as he advanced. "It's stupid late in the season for me to be here, I understand that. Unfortunately due to technical difficulties with my last recruit, I've got no other choice. Your coach said you haven't picked out a school for the fall. Works out, doesn't it? I need a striker and you need a team. All you've gotta do is sign the dotted line and you're mine for five years."
It took multiple tries before Neil managed to form words again. "You can't be serious."
"Very serious, and very out of time," the man said, as if he wasn't handing Neil an opportunity that he so desperately wanted but knew he couldn't take.
Even after twenty-two names and eight years on the run, he still was a scared kid running from the monsters from under his bed.
Signing that dotted line would be signing his death warrant. Stepping into the spotlight that would inevitably come with signing with a college team would be his downfall, and Sophie's, if they managed to connect her to him. Prison was only a building at the end of the day and wouldn't keep his father away forever and Neil knew he wouldn't survive a rematch with him - or his men.
Neil tasted bile in his mouth and pushed the thought of forceful hands and blood-soaked ripped clothes out of his mind before he threw up all over this stranger's shoes. Although that might have been an effective method for getting rid of him. He would keep it on the back burner for now.
He cursed his past self for signing up for the Millport Exy team. It didn't matter that he had relearned the game from a different position entirely, he never should have thought that he could have something for himself that his father hadn't tainted.
"Please go away," he said flatly.
"Listen kid, I know this is sudden and all but I really do need an answer tonight. With Janie locked up the committee's been on my ass to find a new recruit as soon as possible and you're the one I want."
The nightmare morphed into a waking terror. He knew where this man was from now. "Foxes," he said. "Palmetto State University."
The man - who Neil now knew was Coach David Wymack - couldn't downplay his surprise at the speed Neil had pieced it all together. "I guess you've seen the news."
Who hadn't? Neil supposed that non-exy obsessed fanatics might not have heard but Neil sure had. It made sense that Janie Smalls fit the Fox criteria for one reason or another, with her trying to kill herself. The last the public had heard was that she was being held at a hospital after someone narrowly saved her in time.
The Foxes had a reputation for consisting of junkies and rejects since Wymack solely recruited from broken homes. The idea was nice in theory but what they ended up with was a team full of dysfunctional isolationists that were ranked dead last for three years in a row. No one in the district gave them an ounce of thought.
Then they had signed former national champion Kevin Day, another nail in the coffin of reasons why Neil couldn't sign with them. He was every part of the life Neil had spent years running from. If Kevin knew who Neil really was, then how long until the Moriyama's found out and informed his father? Did they already know? Neil didn't want to wait and find out.
"I can't play for you."
"I'm sure that you can if you try."
"No. I'm not playing for you. You signed Kevin."
"And now Kevin's signing you, so —"
Neil bolted past towards the locker room before he could listen to the end of Wymack's sales pitch. Screw graduation. Screw the Josten's. He and Sophie will leave tonight and never turn back, just like they should have before he signed up for this stupid sport.
Neil didn't register that the room wasn't empty until he collied with an Exy racket - or more accurately, a Exy racket swung and hit him directly in the gut, freezing his escape. Though he had no recollection of falling to his knees, he ended up on the floor, attempting to catch his breath.
Wymack must have followed him and seen the attack because his voice filtered through the buzzing in Neil's ears. "God dammit, Minyard. This is why we can't have nice things."
"Oh, Coach," a voice said over his head. "If he was nice, he wouldn't be much use to us, now would he?"
"He'll be no use to us if you break him."
"You'd rather I let him escape before listening to your sales pitch? He'll be fine in a minute."
His vision faded in and out before he was able to finally inhale. It came too sharply and he choked before dissolving into hacking coughs. He held himself together before getting a good look at his assailant, who needed no introduction.
Above him stood Andrew Minyard, one half of the twins that had signed onto the team last season, and was one of the Foxes goalkeepers. He was shorter than Neil by a few inches but that didn't mean he wasn't dangerous. He had been in juvie for three years and had almost gone back a second time.
He was also the only one to ever turn down signing with the Edger Allen Raven's and was often blamed for Kevin's transfer to the Foxes, although Neil wasn't so sure. Kevin was one of the top players before he broke his dominant hand skiing where he effectively destroyed his college contract. He became Wymack's assistant before he officially signed onto the lineup a couple weeks ago. According to what little information Edgar Allen had released to the public, they weren't thrilled that Kevin hadn't come crawling back to them once he'd healed. Neil was sure they were much more angry then they let on and Neil would be stupid to get involved with anything that would put him in the spotlight next to the Raven's prodigal son.
Andrew smiled down at Neil and tapped two fingers to his temple in salute.
"Fuck you," Neil spat as soon as he was able to form words. "Whose racket did you steal?"
"Borrowed. Here you go." Andrew tossed it at Neil who barely caught it before it clattered to the ground.
Hernandez caught Neil by his arm and helped him to his feet. "Jesus, Neil. Are you okay?"
"Andrew still learning his manners," Wymack said before standing between Neil and Andrew, creating a pseudo-barrier. Andrew took this as a sign to back down and did so with an exaggerated smile and a shrug. Wymack turned back toward Neil after insuring Andrew took the hint. "He break anything?"
Neil briefly scanned his body while gently pressing his hands on his ribs and breathing. He knew what broken ribs felt like. This was nothing. "I'm fine. Coach, I'm leaving."
"We're not done," Wymack said.
Hernandez tried to interject but he could barely get a word in before Wymack demanded a second more. Hernandez looked between Neil and Wymack before eventually turning towards the door. "I'll be right outside."
The heavy door creaked shut.
Traitor.
"I already told you. I'm not signing with you," Neil said.
"You told me that before listening to my whole offer," Wymack said. "If I paid to fly three people out to the middle of nowhere to see you the least you could do is spare me five minutes, don't you think?"
Neil was going to point out that it had definitely already been five minutes before he registered the most important thing he'd said.
Three. Three people flew here.
No.
No.
"You didn't bring him here," Neil pleaded. Before Wymack could question him, he quickly steeled his resolve. "I'm not good enough to play with a champion."
"You're right," a new voice said, and Neil stopped breathing. He had to get out of here and get back to Sophie. Right now more than ever, he needed her in his arms.
He didn't need to turn around to know who it was. He should have guessed that he was here. Kevin never went anywhere alone and Andrew had no reason to meet with a potential striker recruit otherwise - unless Wymack brought him along to test the resolve of his new players against Exy rackets.
Kevin Day was sitting atop a table usually reserved for a TV, which he had pushed to the side to give him enough room. He didn't seem impressed by Neil's behavior thus far.
It had been almost half his life since he was in the same room as Kevin. Eight years since Neil's father had brutally murdered a man in front of them - and Riko - after they had played Exy. Neil recognized every inch of his face from years of following his every public move secretly while he and his mother were on the run, and still, seeing the number two permanently tattooed on his face in person made his stomach twist as much as it had when the Exy racket met his core earlier. Kevin and his adopted brother Riko Moriyama were rising stars destined to play on the US Court. Neil had no business revealing himself to them or even playing on the same court.
Not only had Neil not been Neil back then or even a boy, he had disguised his looks further with shorter dyed dark hair and brown contact lenses. Kevin shouldn't recognize him. But why else would Kevin be here? Neil was hardly good enough to qualify for a Class I school and he only had one year of Exy experience on his record that they could access. Unless Kevin remembered him from the short time they played together, it made no sense for them to be here for him.
He didn't know how to figure out what Kevin knew without outright asking and giving himself away if he was wrong.
"What are you doing here?" Neil demanded, praying he was right in thinking this was a stupid coincidence.
"Coach already told you. We are here for you to sign the damn contract," Kevin said. "So stop wasting our time."
"No," Neil said. "You could have any other striker, I'm sure there's a lot that would jump on the chance to play for you. So, why don't you go bother them?"
Neil had almost forgotten that other people were in the room until Wymack answered him. "We saw their files. We choose you anyway."
"I won't play with him."
"You will," Kevin said.
Wymack sighed. "Maybe you haven't noticed, but we're not leaving until you sign it. Kevin says we need you and he's right."
"We should have thrown out your coach's letter the moment we read it," Kevin said. "Your inexperience is staggering and I don't want someone like that weighing down our team, but your coach knew better than to send us your statistics. He sent us tapes so we could see you in action. You play like someone's whose got nothing to lose."
"That's why," Neil whispered.
"There's no other striker worth playing with."
Kevin didn't remember him. The next time, he might not be so lucky.
"There's some good that comes with you being from a place no one knows," Wymack said. "No one outside the team and the school board knows we're here. We don't want your face all over the news this summer. Campus is a mess that we don't want to drag you into. There's a confidentiality clause in your contract that says you can't tell anyone you're ours until the season starts in August."
"This is a terrible idea." Neil may be a liar but he had never said anything more real.
"Your opinion has been duly noted and dismissed," Wymack said. "Any more concerns, or you good to start signing stuff?"
Everything his mother taught him that negated how he has lived his life without her is screaming at him to say 'no'. Even if Kevin didn't recognize him, someone might. More eyes on him meant an increased chance that someone connected him to his father. Running meant living, but was the way Neil had been living anything other than survival? What kind of a life was he stripping his daughter of? Was there any chance that they could pretend to be normal just once and get a few more months of being the Jostens?
Equally, and selfishly, Neil didn't want to give up Exy. It was the only thing outside of Sophie that made him feel real. Wymack's contract was for five years, but they didn't have to stay that long. Neil would grab Sophie and run as soon as there was the tiniest hint that Kevin knew who he used to be. It was what he was good at.
"Well?" Wymack inquired.
Then, it hit him that Wymack didn't know about Sophie. What was the chance Neil would be able to bring her? "I… need to talk to my mother."
"What for?" Wymack said, as if it was ridiculous to tell someone's parent they were potentially signing a five-year contract with a school on the other side of the country. "Your file says you're nineteen, you're legal."
He was eighteen but he wasn't about to contradict his hard-earned forged paperwork. "I still need to ask."
"She'll be happy for you."
"Maybe," he whispered. Neil would have laughed at the ridiculous notion of his mother being happy about any part of this situation if he wasn't so full of adrenaline and nerves. He was both glad that his mother would never know what he was doing and guilty that some part of him felt relieved at her absence. "I'll call her tonight."
"We'll give you a lift."
"I'm fine." He was still trying to think of how to bring Sophie up.
Wymack gestured to Kevin and Andrew. "Go wait in the car." Surprisingly, they listened without complaints. Wymack didn't turn to Neil until the locker room door was slammed shut.
"Do you need one of us to contact your parents?"
"I'm fine," Neil repeated.
"Are they the ones that hurt you?"
Neil stared at him in complete loss. None of his prominent scars were showing so he was unsure where the conclusion came from. Wymack barreled on.
"I'm asking because your coach guesses you spend multiple nights a week here. He thinks there's something going on since you won't change out with the others and you wait for everyone to leave before showering. You also refuse to let anyone meet your parents. That's why he nominated you to me, he thinks you fit the line. You know the type of people I look for. I don't know if he's right but something tells me he's on the right track. You know the locker room will be closed for the summer so if you're parents are a problem for you, we can move you out to South Carolina early."
"You'll do that?"
"Andrew's lot stays with Abby, our team nurse, during the summer," Wymack said, 'Andrew's lot' referring to his twin and cousin; Aaron and Nicholas. "Her place is full but you're welcome to stay with me. My apartment isn't built for two but I've got a couch that should be softer than a bench. We can tell the team you're there for conditional early practice. Half of them should believe it, but they are Foxes for a reason."
"I can't."
"Are your parents going to be a problem?"
He nodded and looked away before he could fully observe the tired look in Wymack's eyes. Neil wasn't the first Fox to have parental problem's and he sure as hell wouldn't be the last.
There was no chance he was going to sign Neil knowing about Sophie. "I can't leave my sister behind, She's not even three yet and I just… I won't just leave her here."
Wymack looked surprised for a moment until something akin to realization washed over his face. "Would she be safe here?"
"No."
Wymack considered for a second before nodding to himself and staring hard back at Neil.
"Your graduation is May eleventh," he said. "We'll have someone pick you both up from the airport on the twelfth."
Both?
He was going to let Neil take Sophie with him? Just like that?
Wymack continued. "Of course we can help you if your parent's put up a fight about you taking your sister with you."
"They won't," Neil said definitively. What was he doing? How would this be safe for her?
Wymack gave him the papers and instructed him on how to fax over the signed copy. Before the older man could leave, Neil made one final plea.
"I need to make sure that no one knows about her," Neil rushed out. "I know you added the confidentiality clause for me but I need you to write one to ensure that not even the school board will find out she's my sister."
"Kid," Wymack started, hesitating like he was about to debate Neil on the logistics of hiding the existence on an entire child on campus. Whatever he saw on Neil's face was enough to sway his mind. He sighed, bringing his now empty hands to rub at his eyes. "Alright, why don't I write up an additional agreement and send it Hernandez's way for you to sign. We'll figure out the details when you land in South Carolina. Deal?"
"Deal."
Then the coach left Neil alone.
He was running toward the bathroom and dry heaving over a toilet before his mind fully registered what he just did. He could vividly imagine his mother's stern fingers digging into the scruff of his neck or sharply yanking at his hair. He repeated apologies to his mother's ghost until he could breathe properly without feeling phantom hands. Then he washed his mouth and checked his roots to make sure that Kevin's appearance in the locker room hadn't stripped Neil of his identity.
Looking in the mirror was something Neil tried to avoid, even when he appeared so ordinary with dark hair and brown contacts. But he knew what was hiding behind the smoke-screen and that was enough for his thoughts to make connections to where he got his looks from.
Leaving without glancing at the two coaches idling in the main room was easy. So was ignoring Andrew's taunting. He clutched the papers tightly and secured his duffel bag over his shoulders before breaking into a run towards the daycare, knowing he was going to be later than he would have liked.
By the time he dashed into the nearly empty parking lot he was panting, but he relished in it. His head was beginning to clear with each heavy exhale as if his body was cleansing his chaotic mind for him with each breath.
The daycare blended into the cookie-cutter brick buildings and had little signage, making it difficult to know it was there without previous experience. It had taken Neil two weeks of research and scoping out neighborhoods to find it, making it perfect in his eyes. He figured he would be notified of suspicious people snooping around his town before Sophie was discovered, as long as he continued to take different routes everyday and remained cautious of who he interacted with. The ambiguity was a main determining factor that led to Neil picking this establishment. They were also the ones that asked the least amount of questions after his parents. It helped that 'Neil Josten' was already 18 when he signed her up. As much as Neil hated leaving her alone with strangers, it was a much better solution to locking her up in an empty house for hours on end with no care. At two and a half, she was at the stage where she was growing more independent by the day but was much too little to be taking care of herself with no supervision, even if she fights him to put her own shoes on every time he tries to get to school on time.
A soft ring of a bell signaled the door opening as Neil entered. The deserted front desk gave the impression that they had already closed but he had experienced enough late pick-ups to know that wasn't true.
"Neil! We're already all packed up," a familiar voice called out from one of the back rooms. There were a few softer spoken sentences that Neil couldn't catch before he saw a woman walk towards him with Sophie secured in her arms.
Erika was a full-time employee and often had the late shift, so Neil saw her relatively often. She had shoulder-length black hair and a gentle smile every time Neil picked Sophie up.
The little girl in Erika's arms propped up her head from where it was nestled on the woman's shoulder. Her eyes brightened the way they did when she saw Neil after a long day, like she was grateful he came back without even knowing what it would mean if he didn't.
Sophie was absentmindedly sucking on her pacifier and attempted to twist her body towards Neil, even though he was still too far away to take her into his arms. The pacifier was something Neil was slowly trying to get rid of, but she still got comfort from it when it had been a long day. It also prevented her from putting her baby blanket in her mouth and sucking on it; he didn't wash it nearly enough for that. The blanket in question was clutched in one of her fists.
Her Dora the Explorer backpack was secured on her back, a little bulky on her small frame, probably intended for a kid entering kindergarten, but Sophie hadn't minded when Neil had found it at a thrift store a few bus rides away. She had fallen in love with it without even knowing who the character embroidered on the fabric was. Neil had since snagged a few library books that covered Dora's adventures, which Sophie enjoyed immensely. It was always nice to see her smile.
"I'm sorry I'm late." Neil could feel the sweat dripping down his neck from the run and attempted not to squirm at the sensation.
Erika tutted and passed the eager child over, who instantly snuggled into his shirt, rubbing her cheek against his chest in greeting.
"Don't you worry about that, we had a splendid time reading," Erika said. "How was the game?"
"It was fine." Neil gave the same answers every time and she still bothered to ask. He wondered when she would give up on him.
They finally left after a few more strenuous minutes of small talk. Neil didn't think about how some little part of him would miss the familiarity of Millport and the daycare when they left. Familiarity was a stab wound that would bleed them dry if he let it.
He wouldn't. He couldn't. Not after everything he's done to get them this far.
No one would ever shorten his little girl's life. Not if he was still breathing.
He would keep that promise even if he knew that Sophie would not benefit from them never truly settling down. Neil just hoped that she would forgive him when she got older. He knew it was a hopeless fantasy that every parent dreamed of.
All he knew is that an angry child was better than a dead one. His mother had taught him that much.
It wasn't much of a decision to make the turn towards the abandoned house. It was late enough that no one should notice them entering through the back, the darkness offering the piece of mind Neil needed after the whirlwind that the day brought.
He wasn't going anywhere near that locker room tonight.
The papers were still in the hand clutching Sophie to his chest when they silently entered the unfurnished house. He distantly hoped that he hadn't crumbled them during their travel but didn't think it would matter too much as long as they were signed and faxed over. He put them on the floor and forced himself to not think about how much their lives were going to change in less than a month.
Sophie had fallen asleep in his arms and he decided to let her get away with not brushing her teeth just this once. He maneuvered her so he could slide off his duffel, opening it one-handed to retrieve her larger blanket and pillow. Neil didn't have his own but figured he could afford the space of a small child's pillow for her comfort. Most of the time she ended up sleeping curled into his chest as he laid on his side, so some nights no one used the pillow. But for the times he was unable to hold her it was a necessity that he would happily supply. Each time he saw it he had an errant thought that his mother wouldn't have ever kept something that took up room for something as superficial as comfort.
Mother's not here, he reminded himself, I'm in charge of the decisions now.
It didn't always work.
He curled up with her now and didn't bother taking off his uncomfortable jeans or shoes, he had long since gotten used to sleeping prepared to leave at the first sign of danger and it didn't bother him anymore. It was better than the alternative.
He did, however, take the moment to gently remove Sophie's shoes and backpack, placing both carefully beside his duffel bag. Her head was nestled atop his outstretched arm, snuggled with her teddy blanket, and softly sniffled in her sleep. His heart clenched and he allowed himself to smile in the way he only did when truly alone with her - brightly and full of love.
Once they were settled he took the time to gaze down at his daughter.
Watching Sophie breathe was something that Neil had started from the moment she was born. Even through the blinding pain it had felt like an eternity before she took her first breath to test out her brand new lungs. For a moment he had been frozen with the fear that he had lost her before she even had the chance to open her eyes. It hadn't have mattered in that moment that he had prayed countless times during the pregnancy, once he found out, that everything would stop. It was different once she was there, a fully formed person that he shouldn't have been forced to carry - no one ever should - but she was there anyway.
Living.
Breathing with lungs that Neil built with his own body.
The labor had been shorter than he expected and he was eternally grateful it was as smooth as pushing an entire person out your body could be and there were no complications. He hadn't wanted to die in a random motel bathtub after spending so long trying to survive the burden of his bloodline.
After he had her cleaned up with the materials he'd gathered preemptively, he'd held her to his chest and fully gazed at her for the first time.
How had I made something so beautiful?
Looking at her now made him realize how short two and a half years really was.
She had grown into her features and Neil wasn't sure whether to be disgusted or relieved that she didn't have his natural hair color, instead sporting a soft brown similar to his mother's, although he wasn't so certain it came from her. She inherited his hair texture with little wisps of hair curling around her neck. He was sure the curls could be more prominent, although they stayed a frizzy mess no matter what Neil tried, similar to his own after the countless boxes of hair dye. Her eyes, although closed, were something of his that he had dreaded passing on, and seeing his own father's eyes on his child's innocent face was simultaneously torturous and healing. How could something be so bad if it existed on her? Neil tried to think that way about himself but still every time he took out his contacts he refused to look in the mirror. It was a work in progress.
"I love you," Neil whispered into his daughter's hair.
He refused to be like either of his parents and swore to himself the moment he decided to keep her that he would never hide his love from her or punish her just for existing. It wasn't her fault she was brought into a world filled with cruelty, just like it wasn't his own fault that he was either.
For his daughter's sake he was going to try to make something of the opportunity he had been given. He silently promised to do everything in his power to give her the fraction of the life she deserved.