Chapter Text
The waiting room smelled like cheap lavender and despair.
Which, according to Gintama standards, meant it was probably government-funded.
A crooked sign hung above the reception desk:
“Edo Community Rehabilitation & Relationship Wellness Centre.”
Underneath it, in smaller letters:
NO SWORDS INSIDE THE BUILDING
“Racist,” muttered Gintoki, surrendering his bokuto to the receptionist.
“You literally stabbed a vending machine last week,” said Hijikata.
“It stole my change.”
“You kicked it because it didn’t have strawberry milk.”
“That’s theft.”
The receptionist didn’t even blink. Clearly, she’d seen worse.
Behind them, Kagura was trying to feed dried squid to a therapy fish while Sougo encouraged her by whispering, “If it dies, we can sue.”
The fish floated upside down.
“Excellent,” Sougo nodded.
At the center of the chaos sat Shimura Otae, perfectly composed, sipping tea she definitely hadn’t paid for.
She looked around the room. “…Why exactly am I here again?”
“Because,” Hijikata said flatly, “the magistrate says every time Yorozuya and the Shinsengumi appear in the same incident report, city property damage triples.”
“That sounds made up.”
“It’s statistically verified.”
“And because,” added the receptionist, checking paperwork, “you six were specifically identified as the primary emotional instigators.”
“Six?” Otae frowned.
The receptionist pointed to her notes.
“It also notes here, Mr. Sakata, and Ms. Shimura – Relationship conflict.”
The room went silent. Gin nearly choked on air.
Hijikata burst out laughing so violently that he had to lean against a wall.
Kagura slammed the table. “I KNEW IT! Gin-chan finally became a deadbeat husband!”
“WHAT KIND OF RUMOR SPEEDRUN IS THIS?!” Gintoki shouted.
Otae smiled pleasantly, then crushed her teacup in one hand.
The receptionist calmly adjusted her glasses.
“Denial is common in long-term marriages.”
“IT’S NOT A MARRIAGE!”
“Mmhm.”
Ten minutes later, they were all seated in a counselling circle.
The therapist—a tiny old woman named Ms. Fumiko—looked entirely too peaceful for someone sitting across from the human embodiment of urban disaster reports.
She folded her hands. “Now then. We’re here to improve communication between couples.”
“We are not—”
“Mr. Sakata,” she interrupted gently, “please allow your wife to speak.”
The room exploded.
Hijikata wheezed into his hands. Sougo was openly recording this on a camcorder, which he pulled from god knows where. Kagura had somehow acquired popcorn.
Otae blinked. “…Wife?”
Fumiko nodded kindly. “You’ve been together a long time, haven’t you?”
“No!”
“Yes,” Otae said at the same time.
Gintoki turned slowly, “Otae-san.”
She smiled serenely, “Yes, darling?”
“Don’t play along with the senile therapist.”
“Don’t raise your voice at me in front of the children.”
Kagura immediately pointed at Shinpachi, who had just entered carrying snacks.
“Dad is yelling again.”
“WHY AM I THE KID IN THIS SITUATION?!” Shimura Shinpachi cried.
Fumiko scribbled notes rapidly:
- Husband exhibits avoidant tendencies. Wife compensates through emotional resilience.
Hijikata lost consciousness for a full three seconds from laughing too hard.
“Now,” Fumiko continued, “healthy couples should express grievances honestly. Ms. Shimura, why don’t you begin?”
Otae crossed her legs elegantly, “Well… Gin-san never has stable employment.”
“HEY.”
“He gambles.”
“That was one horse race.”
“You spent our rent money.”
“OUR?!”
“He leaves dirty magazines everywhere.”
“They’re collectible!”
“He ate my pudding last week.”
Gintoki pointed furiously. “That pudding sat in the fridge for three months! It was geriatric at that point!”
Fumiko nodded sympathetically toward Otae“And how does that make you feel?”
“Tired.”
“Understandable.”
“STOP VALIDATING THIS FICTIONAL MARRIAGE!”
Hijikata wiped tears from his eyes, “Oh my god… this is the happiest day of my life.”
“Shut up, Mayo.”
“At least I’m not in therapy with my fake wife.”
Fumiko look at the officer, “You’re literally here because and I quoute ‘Okita-san assaulted Hijikata-san with a bazooka’.”
Sougo raised a hand, “In my defense, I thought it’d be funny.”
“See?” Hijikata snapped at the therapist. “THAT’S my problem relationship, not a fake wife!”
Fumiko looked thoughtful, “Ah. Your son is acting out.”
Sougo froze.
Hijikata froze.
The room held its breath.
Then Kagura fell backward laughing.
“THE SHINSENGUMI ARE A FAMILY DRAMA NOW!”
“WHO’S THE MOM?!” Shinpachi yelled.
Everyone slowly looked at Hijikata.
Hijikata stood up so fast his chair flew backward.
“I WILL KILL EVERYONE IN THIS BUILDING.”
The next exercise was somehow worse.
“Trust falls,” Fumiko announced.
“No,” said everyone immediately.
“Healthy partnerships require vulnerability.”
“We’d rather die,” Hijikata answered.
Too late.
Pairs had already been assigned.
Gintoki stared at Otae.
Otae stared at Gintoki.
Neither moved.
“You first,” she said sweetly.
“You’d let me hit the floor.”
“You wound me.”
“You once suplexed me through a restaurant window.”
“You deserved it.”
“FOR WHAT?!”
“You know what you did.”
“I NEVER KNOW WHAT I DID!”
Fumiko clasped her hands emotionally. “Their communication is actually quite advanced.”
“I’m begging you to stop interpreting things,” Gintoki said.
Meanwhile, Sougo deliberately dropped Hijikata onto the floor five consecutive times.
“Oops.”
“You little sadist—”
“Use your words, Hijikata-san”
“I HAVE BEEN USING THEM!”
Kagura and Shinpachi were no better.
Kagura launched herself backwards at full force.
Shinpachi caught her for exactly half a second before both crashed into a bookshelf.
“MY SPINE!”
“Good teamwork, glasses.”
By the end of the session, the counselling office looked like a battlefield.
One wall had a human-shaped crater, the therapy fish was missing, and Hijikata somehow had mayonnaise in his hair.
All while Fumiko sat peacefully amidst the devastation, sipping tea.
“I think we made wonderful progress today.”
“HOW?!” everyone screamed.
She smiled warmly at Gintoki and Otae.
“Before today, you resisted the label of family. But now you bicker naturally, defend one another instinctively, and maintain emotional familiarity despite conflict.”
A strange quiet settled over the room.
Because annoyingly, she wasn’t entirely wrong.
Gintoki glanced sideways at Otae.
Otae noticed, “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“…No reason.”
For once, neither of them joked.
Then Kagura kicked open the door, holding the missing therapy fish in a plastic bag.
“GOOD NEWS! IT SURVIVED!”
The fish was absolutely dead, Sougo saluted it solemnly.
Hijikata lit a cigarette.
Shinpachi screamed at everyone.
And Gintoki sighed, slumping deeper into his chair as chaos consumed the room again.
Fumiko smiled gently.
“Yes,” she said, writing one final note.
Severe codependency. Promising recovery outlook.
“THAT’S NOT WHAT THIS IS!” everyone yelled together.
The second session was mandatory.
The third became a court order.
By the fourth, the counselling centre had reinforced the walls with steel plating and quietly updated its insurance policy.
A new sign sat at the front desk:
NO EXPLOSIVES.
NO PETS.
NO MAYONNAISE.
NO JUSTAWAYS.
“Targeted discrimination,” muttered Hijikata.
“You’re the reason half those rules exist,” said Gintoki.
Today’s session was apparently focused on domestic cooperation, which was already a horrifying phrase.
Ms. Fumiko clapped her hands gently.
“Couples often struggle with division of household responsibilities.”
“We are not a household,” Gintoki said automatically.
“Mmhm,” she replied.
Nobody bothered correcting her anymore. It only made things worse.
Even Tae had accepted that arguing somehow deepened the therapist’s convictions.
“Today,” Fumiko continued, “we’ll be simulating common married-life scenarios.”
Sougo immediately raised his hand.
“Can I leave?”
“No.”
“Can I fake my death?”
“No.”
“Can I make Hijikata fake his?”
“No.”
“Tyranny.”
Fumiko ignored him and unveiled a stack of laminated cards.
“Each couple will act out a scenario and resolve conflict through healthy communication.”
The room groaned in unison.
“Scenario One,” Fumiko announced, adjusting her glasses dramatically. “One spouse forgot your anniversary.”
Silence.
Then Tae slowly turned toward Gin.
Gin recoiled immediately, “Why are you looking at me like I actually did something?!”
“You absolutely seem like the type.”
“That’s profiling!”
Fumiko nodded thoughtfully, “Interesting defensive response.”
“THAT’S JUST A NORMAL RESPONSE!”
“Proceed.”
Otae folded her hands in her lap and smiled with terrifying calm.
“So, Gin-san… do you know what today is?”
“Nope.”
The room collectively winced.
“Wrong answer,” Hijikata whispered.
“I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE QUESTION IS!”
Otae’s smile sharpened. “You forgot our special day.”
“There IS no special day!”
“You forgot.”
“HOW DO I REMEMBER A FAKE ANNIVERSARY?!”
Kagura gasped dramatically, “He forgot the day they first met.”
“That happened by accident!”
Shinpachi pointed accusingly. “You probably forgot her birthday, too!”
“I DON’T KNOW YOUR BIRTHDAY EITHER!”
“THAT’S NOT HELPING!”
Fumiko scribbled furiously:
- Husband struggles with emotional milestones.
Gintoki grabbed the notebook, “LET ME SEE WHAT YOU’RE WRITING ABOUT ME.”
“Boundaries, Mr. Sakata.”
“You lost boundary privileges after Session Two!”
“Excellent work,” Fumiko said, somehow sincerely.
“No it wasn’t,” everyone answered.
“Now for Scenario Two.”
She held up another card, “One partner spent too much money without telling the other.”
Everyone in the room looked directly at Gin.
“Wow,” he said bitterly. “I love being stereotyped.”
Tae tilted her head. “So where did the money go this time?”
“I bought necessities.”
“You bought ten boxes of strawberry milk.”
“Nutrition.”
“You also rented every season of Ketsuno Ana’s weather special.”
“That was an investment.”
“In what?”
“Happiness.”
Fumiko dabbed at her eyes emotionally, “He uses humour to mask financial insecurity…”
“NO, I’M JUST BROKE!”
Hijikata smirked. “You really do sound married.”
Gintoki pointed instantly, “You eat mayonnaise straight from the bottle.”
“That’s unrelated.”
“You named your sword.”
“That’s honourable.”
“You got jealous of a vending machine once.”
“It was flirting with Mitsuba!”
The room fell silent, and Hijikata froze.
Sougo slowly looked up, “…Excuse me?”
Hijikata turned red instantly. “That came out wrong.”
“Oh my god,” Kagura whispered. “The divorced dad lore deepens.”
“I AM NOT DIVORCED!”
“You have the energy,” Gintoki said.
“YOU LOOK LIKE YOU PAY ALIMONY.”
“WHY ARE YOU GANGING UP ON ME?!”
Meanwhile, Fumiko was writing so quickly that smoke practically rose from the notebook.
Things escalated during the roleplay exercise. Because naturally they did.
“Now,” Fumiko said, “we will practice compromise. Mr. Sakata and Ms. Shimura, please decide together on a dinner plan.”
“That’s easy,” said Gin. “We eat sukiyaki.”
“No,” Tae replied instantly. “Healthy hotpot.”
“Sukiyaki.”
“Hotpot.”
“Sukiyaki.”
“Hotpot.”
Their voices stayed perfectly calm, which somehow made it more threatening.
“Sukiyaki.”
“Hotpot.”
“Sukiyaki.”
“Hotpot.”
The air pressure in the room dropped.
Even Sougo leaned away slightly.
Fumiko smiled nervously, “Remember to communicate respectfully—”
“Sukiyaki.”
“Hotpot.”
“Sukiyaki.”
“Hotpot.”
Shinpachi whispered, “We should evacuate.”
Too late.
Kagura slammed both hands onto the table, “CURRY!”
Everyone turned.
Kagura grinned proudly.
“With extra seaweed and giant sausage.”
“…That’s horrifying,” Hijikata said.
“Your face is horrifying.”
“Your appetite violates human rights.”
“Fight me, Hijibaka.”
“Outside.”
“Gladly.”
Fumiko clapped delightedly.
“Wonderful! Collaborative problem-solving!”
“HOW?!” screamed Shinpachi.
The final activity, which was apparently meant to build affection, was another catastrophic decision.
“Each participant,” Fumiko explained, “must say one sincere positive thing about their partner.”
Dead silence.
Absolute dead silence.
Even the building seemed uncomfortable.
“Let’s begin with Mr. Sakata.”
“No.”
“Growth requires vulnerability.”
“Growth can die.”
“Mr. Sakata.”
Everyone stared at him.
Gintoki clicked his tongue.
“…Fine.”
He glanced sideways at Otae.
Then away.
Then back again.
“She’s…”
The room leaned in.
“…annoyingly reliable.”
Tae blinked.
Gint scratched his cheek awkwardly.
“Like… if things go bad, she handles it. Usually violently. But still.”
A stunned silence followed.
Shinpachi looked emotional, and Kagura looked nauseated.
Hijikata looked like he’d witnessed a traffic accident.
Even Fumiko paused writing.
Then Otae smiled softly, not her fake, terrifying smile, a real one.
“…Thank you.”
The room became even quieter.
And for one horrifying second—it almost looked genuine.
Then Sougo ruined it, “Aww,” he sniffed loudly. “Dana finally confessed.”
The moment was shattered instantly.
Gintoki threw a chair.
Sougo dodged.
The chair hit Hijikata.
Hijikata tackled Gintoki.
Kagura joined for fun.
Shinpachi tried stopping them and immediately regretted it.
Somewhere during the chaos, Otae casually smashed a fire extinguisher over someone’s head.
Fumiko watched the disaster unfold with peaceful satisfaction.
Then she wrote one final note:
- Physical affection is still developing. Strong emotional foundation confirmed.
Outside the office, the receptionist quietly updated the next appointment slot:
Yorozuya/Shinsengumi Family Counselling — Permanent Weekly Reservation