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The cold crept into Isak’s skin as he knelt on the boardwalk, heavy sobs tearing their way out of his throat. He clutched his hands over his mouth to muffle the sobs, but it didn’t work. So he knelt there, miserable and crying, the hot tears rolling down his cheeks.
Of course Even was going to get back together with Sonja. She was sweet and mature – not naïve and young like he himself was, like Even had pointed out.
Isak felt the stones digging into his kneecaps and palms where he was leaning on them, too unsteady to keep himself upright. He felt his stomach turning, equal parts because of the alcohol he drank earlier and because of seeing Even kiss Sonja. The image came back to him, her fingers twisted in his hair, the smile on his lips before they kissed. Isak gagged and vomited. The content of his stomach landed on the pavement and his hands, the sour smell only making him gag more.
But there was nothing more in his stomach so all he did was heave.
Isak let himself fall back onto his ass. He started mindlessly at the puddle on the boardwalk, not really seeing it. He wiped his hands on his jeans, not caring how gross it was, and then swiped a thumb over a wet streak on his cheek. He sucked in a heavy breath, trying to steady his breathing, and clenched his jaw. He felt yet more tears building up in his eyes but refused to blink them away.
*
“Urgh I can’t believe he turned up,” Emma exclaimed to her best friend and Even looked over.
“Who turned up?” he asked, gently shoving Sonja to the side, the better to talk to Emma.
The girl turned to look at him, her lips pressed together.
“Isak. I... he came with his friends. But he left,” she said bitterly. She shot a look at Sonja but then continued. “It was so shitty of you to leave on Halloween! And to not tell me about the two of you!”
Emma’s friend gasped and Sonja raised her eyebrows at Emma but said nothing. Even stared at Emma, taken by surprise by her bluntness.
“I... uhm... he’s your friend,” Even said. Why did she expect him to tell her that Isak wasn’t interested in her?
“He is not,” Emma retorted and turned around, grabbing her best friend by her elbow and dragging her away. Even stared after her before Sonja caught his attention.
“Even,” she said softly and he looked at her. She pushed her hair behind her ear.
“I gotta go,” Even said with knitted eyebrows and pushed past Sonja, leaving her without an explanation.
He made his way for the entrance door and stopped when he found Vilde and Isak’s friends right outside.
“Where did Isak go?” he asked no one in particular and they looked at him dumbfounded. Finally, Jonas spoke up.
“Fuck if I know. He left after almost starting a fight with Mahdi.”
Even didn’t need to hear another word. He ran onto the street and looked left and right, but Isak was nowhere to be seen. Even worried his bottom lip, contemplating which way to take. He decided to head right.
*
Isak wiped his nose with the cuff of his jacket before he crossed his arms over his knees and buried his face. He didn’t want to go home. Eskild would be there and in the morning, he’d be asking questions. He’d mention Even’s name and Isak didn’t know if he could take it.
So he sat on the edge of the boardwalk, earphones in and trying to block out the rest of the world.
He thought about what Eskild had said. It had hurt being told like that, but it was the first in a series of events today that made Isak realize how little he thought about the effect his actions and words had on others. He had hurt Eskild, he had hurt Emma, he had lied to his best friends, and all for Even.
Just thinking about Even made Isak’s heart ache. He had been falling in love with him from the first moment he saw him and he still was, even now, sitting on the street in the middle of the night, drunk and crying. He wanted to hate him, hate Sonja, hate himself, but all he did was ache. The thought that he had lost Even so soon made him want to claw his heart out.
He was aware that they were never a thing, that things had only just started, but it had felt like so much more. Every touch between them had sent a spark through Isak and set his nerves on fire. And yet, at the same time, every kiss and every minute they spent alone had made him more anxious. He’d been denying that he’s gay for so long that the possibility of being together with Even, being his boyfriend, made him afraid more than anything else.
*
Even walked down the street, shooting looks down every side street to find Isak, but so far he had no luck. But just then he followed the street around a bent and spotted Isaak at the end of a row of cars, sitting on the boardwalk.
Even slowed down when he came up to Isak and came to a halt, looking down at the small bundle of limbs that was Isak. He stepped closer and hunkered down. He stretched out his hand but let it hover over Isak’s back. For a second he kept it there, just inches from Isak’s jacket, before he withdrew it.
So he just crouched there, staring at Isak’s head where is was buried in his arms.
“Isak,” he finally said softly.
But Isak didn’t react. Even shuffled closer and finally, Isak raised his head.
*
Isak startled at the sight of Even beside him and he swallowed hard. He pulled the earphones out and let them dangle down his front, looking down at his shoes.
“Isak,” Even said and the younger boy couldn’t help but look at him. He was painfully aware of his red eyes, puffed from crying, and his trembling lip. He was afraid that Even would touch him, but the other boy silently sat down next to Isak, leaving the tiniest space between them so they didn’t touch.
Isak watched Even’s hands as he rubbed a thumb over his knuckles before he stared but really didn’t watch. He stayed silent.
“I’m sorry,” Even murmured and Isak looked up.
“Huh?” he asked, surprised.
“You saw Sonja and me, right?” Even inquired, looking at Isak.
Isak felt the lump in his throat and tried to swallow it away, but to no avail. He opened his mouth to answer but his voice didn’t cooperate, so he just nodded.
Even nodded in return, taking the joint from behind his ear and put it between his lips before he lit it. He took a few drags before he held it over to Isak.
He eyed the joint, contemplating whether to take it or not, and then shook his head. He neither wanted to upset his stomach any more nor did he want another drug to make his head fuzzy. Even withdrew his hand and stretched out his arms, putting them on his knees.
Isak watched the joint burn down, the smoke trailing from it, as the silence stretched between the two. Even took another drag before he flicked some ash off.
“I’m sorry because I didn’t think,” Even continued from where they left off. “I told you we’ve been together since we’ve been 15. I didn’t think when she came up to me. It’s not like we hate each other because of what happened between you and me,” Even explained before taking another drag.
Isak bit his lip and looked over at Even, but Even just stared at the other side of the street.
“I shouldn’t have kissed her. I know you can’t understand this but she has been this constant in my life for four years now, and my feelings for you don’t just make that disappear.”
The joint slowly burned down to the filter as Even turned it between his fingers. He finally flicked it away and Isak followed it to where it landed on the street. But then, lastly, he looked over at Even again only to be met my Even’s eyes who already surveyed him.
“I’m falling in love with you, Isak,” Even said and Isak stared at him, mouth hanging open. Even searched for an answer in Isak’s eyes for a few moments before he said: “Please say something.”
But instead of an answer, Isak leaned against Even, who slung his arm around the smaller boy. Isak buried his face in Even’s shoulder and felt Even’s hand cradle his head.
“I can’t stand not being near you,” Isak finally said, his voice muffled by Even’s jacket.
“Me too,” Even replies and then, Isak felt the weight of Even’s head on top of his.
Like this they sat in the glow of the street light, no more words coming to them, but the silence comfortable.