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He tried to stop thinking. That was what he did most of the time lately. Just try, because he was far from succeeding. He had to feel more than satisfied with the simple act of trying. After all, his life had completely transformed, even if it didn't seem that way at first glance.
He tried not to think about Hange. Not because he didn't want to, not because thinking about her was bad for him, not because he wanted to leave her. None of that, he simply wanted to stop worrying. She was constantly on his mind. Was she eating well? Was she sleeping well? Were her nightmares continuing? Had she found that book she'd been looking for? Had she attended that meeting he couldn't go to? Hange, Hange, Hange.
"Hange..." he found himself saying aloud, but this time she was beside him, rubbing her eyes.
"How did things go today?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
Levi nodded.
"Did you have lunch?"
"Mmmhh," was all she replied, distracted, lost in her own thoughts.
"Hange, if you want to tell me something, you know that..."
"I don't want to tell you anything, I don't want to talk about anything, I just want to stay here sitting at this desk and not move anymore. That's all."
Levi nodded again. He felt useless, and if there was one thing he hated in the world, it was feeling useless. He pulled a chair up beside him and sat down, so still he seemed not to breathe.
"What are you doing, Levi?"
"I'm keeping you company."
"I want...no...I need to be alone for a moment"
"But you were alone all day."
"What's wrong with wanting more alone time?! I just want..." She got up from her desk, muttering words Levi couldn't understand, and left the room, closing the door behind her. Levi thought she must be very irritated to leave his own office.
He stared into space. He watched the leaves falling through the window, gazed at the small fountain Hange kept on a piece of furniture, its sound so pleasant, and looked at all those dried and unusual things the Commander loved to collect, things he himself had helped her gather countless times.
So many times, he'd run after her, right behind her impetuousness; so many times he'd done anything to please her, without her even noticing; so much, so much, so much time by her side. Always by her side, never behind or ahead, always beside her. The only symmetrical relationship in his life, the only person who wasn't beneath him, admiring him like so many subordinates, the only one who wasn't above him and whom he should admire, as he had with Erwin and Kenny. An equal, an equal to cherish, to accompany, to care for, to protect. Yes, that was what he'd done his entire adult life! Protect someone! Always, always. And if Hange wouldn't let him care for her, what would he do now?
He was tired.
Yes, there was a challenge in his life. Zeke was near, and his presence had rekindled a motivation he thought was dead... but he wasn't just about revenge and resentment. What else was he? Surely Hange would know the answer.
He got up to look for her, stubbornly. She couldn't be okay; he knew she wasn't.
He found her curled up on her bed, in a ball. When she heard his footsteps, she pulled the covers over her. Levi took off his shoes and slipped under the covers until he reached her. He hugged her from behind in silence.
Hange cried. Levi wasn't sure how long the crying lasted. There was a moment when he wanted to cry too, but there was little of that left in him. Meanwhile, he listened to her. He listened attentively, because for him, tears weren't a simple thing; they were something that should be heard if someone allowed it. They should be valued.
Levi had always been proud of knowing Hange so well. He always knew what would anger her, what would excite her, what would leave her indifferent. Because of this, his stomach ached every time he realized he hadn't thought of her when it came time to let Erwin go. He hadn't considered who would bear the burden. He didn't even believe she was still alive! He was alone, utterly alone. He felt more alone than he had ever felt before. And when she appeared, ready to take Mikasa away from him, he felt a part of his heart return to his body—a part, yes, but not whole. That was no longer possible.
Hange turned around, hugged him tightly around the waist, and sobbed, her sobs growing softer until she was silent. Levi found her cheek and pressed it against his, feeling its pleasant warmth.
"I told you I wanted to be alone," she said suddenly, softly.
"You can be alone with me."
"That sounds sad instead of...okay, okay, you were trying to say something sweet, I won't ruin it." Hange forced herself to be quiet; she always ended up dissecting Levi's gestures, analyzing them more than necessary.
"Don't do that again," Levi asked her.
"Oh, but it was just a comment..."
"No, I don't mean that. I mean going to your meetings alone. Forcing you to do things alone. To endure it alone... I... I'm still here. I'm not useless. If I can't be there, I..."
"If you're not useful, you feel bad, don't you? You don't always have to be useful, Levi. You're not a tool. You can just be. And when I get back from trying to save the world alone, you can be here by my side and just be."
"Just be..."
"Just be. You don't have to be my hero. You don't have to protect me. Yes, I know. We all protect those we love, don't we? But what you're doing now is also protecting"—she stroked his back to make her point—"You don't have to be out there fighting my battles. Just... lie here by my side when I'm feeling unwell, without asking any questions."
"And that's enough for you?"
"Don't think in terms of usefulness, Levi! My God, you're not an object! You don't have to "serve" anyone. Let's just... be here, like we are now. When we can”
Levi remembered those words; they were one of those things he had to think about when he drank tea in the early hours of the morning, when the world was still asleep. For now, he just wanted to hold her a little closer. Before he felt like nothing again, the next time she disappeared through the door.