Work Text:
The floor was cold. Or was it the ground? He wasn’t really sure right now. He could hear sounds, screams not far from him, but he didn’t know if the screaming was his or someone else’s. They sounded alert and urgent, but he didn’t care.
He didn’t care about much these days.
What was the point anyways? What could he do? He was a coward after all. A coward who wasn’t brave enough to make the logical choice and sacrifice himself willingly. A coward who needed to be hunted down and sedated so that he would save the Earth he loved so much.
He was numb for the first hours after he remembered. Just lying in his cot, staring at the white ceiling above. Rocky was worried, of course, making chirping sounds and hitting his xenonite ball against his bed. He tried to reassure him, but he already knew that the words sounded like lies the moment they came out of his mouth. Lies. He was lying to his best friend. His best friend, who didn’t know he had tried to run from the possibility of saving his planet. He was too ashamed to tell Rocky the truth.
And now he was dying, starving to death on the way to an alien planet, because saving his best friend was more important than returning to Earth. To the people who put him on this mission. Maybe he deserved it? He was supposed to die anyway. It was a suicide mission after all. So if it wasn’t Yao‘s gun, it had to be starvation. And he didn’t want Rocky to look at the walls, splattered with his blood and parts of his brain, with his deformed body in front of it. He couldn’t do that to his friend. His friend who was trying to talk to him, he realised as he slowly resurfaced from the memory holding his mind captive.
The screams that turned out to be high-pitched sounds, were in fact not far from him. He also wasn’t pinned to the ground face-down, but was lying on his back. So the cold, which was seeping into his body, was coming from the floor of the Hail Mary. He turned his head to the side, making contact with a wall of xenonite. He could now make out the dark brown body of his alien friend, who had two of his arms supporting his weight against the walls, his little fingers spread out. They were tapping on the glass, trying to gain his attention.
“Rocky…?“
It sounded raw, scratchy and a bit slurred. How long was he lying there? But then again, he didn’t want to occupy himself with finding out. Instead, he sluggishly tried to lift his hand and tap against the glass in return. Anything to make Rocky worry less.
“Grace okay, question? Rocky say name again again again but Grace not answer. Rocky worry worry worry, Grace say now what is wrong. Grace answer now, Grace okay, question?“ Even the computer was able to sound distraught.
He smacked his lips, trying to wet his lips and throat. When he talked again, he didn’t sound as raw as before. “Rocky… Sorry for ignoring you. I‘m fine.“ Again he was lying. But it was better than telling the truth and having Rocky seeing him for the failure he was.
He couldn’t bear the thought.
“Grace lie. Grace not fine. Grace tell Rocky what is wrong. It is hunger, question?“ Rocky stomped his legs with every sentence to underline his worry and anger about the obvious lie. The alien was nervous, he could tell. He kept turning, chirping, and fiddling with his fingers. It was almost funny, the way he had to travel through the Universe to finally find a friend who worried so obvious about him. Almost, he thought, if it wasn’t for the fact that I probably wouldn’t survive the journey to Erid.
“Yes, Rocky, I am hungry. But I am fine. Promise.“ He tried to give a reassuring smile. Maybe it would make him seem more believable? He wasn’t sure. This alien knew him better than anyone on Earth. And as it turned out, he was correct.
“Rocky worry worry worry. Grace never be like this when hungry. Grace want to tell Rocky the truth, question?“ His tunes were soft, careful. He tried to gently get Ryland to talk about his feelings. If it wasn’t for his unbearable exhaustion and the lack of water in his body, he might have started crying.
“Grace miss Earth, question?“
His thoughts stilled. Did he miss Earth? Yes, he thought. I miss my kids. I miss teaching. I miss the logic of science and explaining it to curious students. I miss driving my bike to school, feeling a breeze caressing my body and the warmth of the sun on my skin. But a part of his brain, hardened by his time in grad school, said otherwise. No. It said, they sent you here to die. They don’t miss you. They gave you a drug so you wouldn’t remember to sabotage this mission. They didn’t care about your cries.
Wasn’t loving Earth reason enough to deserve staying on it?
“Grace, question?“ Rocky was very quiet. He was still waiting for an answer, Ryland realised with a start. “Sorry, pal. To be honest… I don’t know if i still miss Earth.“
Rocky seemed stunned. He even pulled his carapace back a few inches. “Why, question?”, he asked softly. “Grace was happy happy happy when able to return to Earth. Why not anymore, question?”
Darn it. How was he supposed to explain his cowardice to Rocky?
“Well…”, he began slowly, “I’m not really sure they would welcome me with open arms. I didn’t react so nicely when I found out that I would be on this mission.” There. It was the truth, right? Just not all of it. This part didn’t hurt so badly.
“Rocky confused. Earth should welcome Grace like Hero. Grace is Saviour of Stars. Grace now remember why is a school teacher in Space, question? How did Grace react, question? Grace was angry, question?” Rocky showed his confusion by waving his arms around while he talked. Ryland wasn’t sure if it was something he did before he met Grace or if he picked it up over time. Either way, it was endearing.
“No, I wasn’t angry. I was… well, I was scared”, he confessed. He turned his head away. Maybe it was better to have Rocky know the truth. That way, he wouldn’t keep feeling bad for lying to him. Still, he felt his face redden with shame and he couldn’t keep looking at Rocky. So the opposite wall it was.
“Look, I wasn’t supposed to be on this ship, alright? There were two scientists who were more than qualified to do this mission. They were brave, braver than me anyway.” He swallowed thickly.
Rocky came closer again. He even lowered himself to be closer to his head, as he could see from his peripheral vision. “What happened, question?” It sounded careful, as if Ryland deserved gentleness.
He mentally prepared himself for the reaction. If Rocky was disappointed in him, it was justified. He wouldn’t fall apart. No way. It was his own doing. He took a shaky breath.
“There was an explosion. A miscalculation, it could’ve happened to anyone. They died. It was only a few days before the launch. Everything was in shambles, nobody knew what to do. At least I didn’t know, Eva did have a solution.”
“Eva, question?”
“Eva Stratt, my Boss. She was the reason Project Hail Mary existed.”
She was the reason he had another chance to be in a lab.
“After the explosion she called the Astronauts to a meeting. Me included, but I didn’t think anything of it as I was her right hand. You know, I was her most trusted. As it turns out, I was the solution. They wanted me on the Mission. And… I refused. They didn’t care.”
She was the reason he was in Space, condemned to death.
He felt tears stinging his eyes, a lump forming in his throat. Huh. So he did have water left in his body after all. He came so far, he could tell the whole story. Swallowing, he decided to get it done.
“They gave me three hours to decide. I refused. I even threatened to sabotage the mission, can you believe that?” A sob tore through his throat. “They tried to force me, so I ran. In the end I wasn’t fast enough. They sedated me and gave me a drug so I wouldn’t remember anything.”
Tears were running down his face, rolling into the hair by his ears. He was shaking, not only from the cold but also because of his helplessness. Why couldn’t he be like the others? Brave, not afraid like a little child. How could he even consider not saving Earth, his kids and their future?
He hated remembering. Hated his actions. Hated himself.
He hated himself.
Rocky was still. Not a sound, not a movement. It was almost like he was paralysed in sleep. When he did finally speak, it was quiet, laced with anger.
“Earth force Grace to Space?”
Ryland closed his eyes. He didn’t want to keep talking about his failure.
“If I was just brave enough they wouldn’t have had to-”
“No.” Rocky stomped on the floor. “No. Not right. Earth no right to force Grace. No. No. No. Grace was scared, statement. Earth should find better solution.” Rocky grew louder and more upset with every word.
Grace turned his head back to Rocky. No way. “What?” he whispered. How could Rocky defend what he had done?
“Earth no right to force Grace. Statement. Rocky…” His stone body was shaking by now. “Rocky hate Earth!”
“Whoa buddy, I think you’re overreacting right now, calm down-” “Rocky hate Earth, statement. Earth hurt Grace. Not acceptable. Grace was scared. Earth force Grace. Grace still save Stars. Grace bravest human, statement.” He sounded sharp, absolute.
Ryland lifted his hand, pressing it against the glass. Rocky returned the motion. The ache in his heart loosened.
“You are not disappointed in me?”, he asked softly as more tears spilled from his eyes. This time, they came from relief. A weight was being lifted from his shoulders.
”Rocky not disappointed.” His chords became softer. “Rocky sorry for what happened to Grace. Not fair. Rocky happy happy happy Grace now with Rocky. Erid care for Grace better than Earth. Promise.”
Ryland was weeping by now, worsening his already existing headache pounding in his head. He was hiccuping, whimpering, curling into himself. His forehead was now resting against the glass too. Rocky moved lower, till both their ‘heads’ were leaning against each other. Rocky was even humming a low, calming tune. Ryland could feel the comforting heat coming from his friend through the thin wall separating them.
“Grace happy too. Happy happy happy.”
Maybe he sounded childish, repeating Rocky like that. But who was there to judge him? He slowly realised that Rocky wouldn’t. Not for anything. He still wasn’t sure if he deserved it. But maybe he could be brave enough to let himself accept Rocky’s warmth. Let it seep through him, easing the wounds inside him. For now, he was thankful.
”Thank you, Rocky. You are the best friend anyone could have.” He looked up to Rocky’s ‘face’. “Thank you.”
“Grace no need to thank. It is okay. Grace is okay, statement. Rocky make sure.”
And Ryland trusted his best friend. He never betrayed him after all. He could believe Rocky when he said that he was okay. Maybe it will all be okay, in the end.
So Ryland let himself hope. He even let himself smile. Truthfully, this time.