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Not again, he thought as he was trying to stop the bleeding but she was losing too much blood too fast. Please, not again.
“Jaime?” she asked with a very low and rasped voice “They’re safe?”
She was asking about the knight and the squire. Stupid, brave woman. Always thinking of others instead of herself.
“Yes, they’re safe. You saved them” he lied. They couldn’t save them and now she’s dying. A little lie can’t hurt at this point.
Brienne just smiled. It’s so rare. She, smiling. “And I saved you”
And I couldn’t save you. No matter how many times he tried, she always dies.
“You shouldn’t have risked your life to save mine. Why save me after all I've done?” Jaime never asked her this before. Part of him wanted to know it and the other part was scared to know the truth.
“I can’t lose you t…” Jaime couldn’t hear the last part, she started to convulse until finally she stopped and he knew she was gone. He hugged her tightly against his chest, crying like a little boy and screamed at the top of his lungs, more a lion’s roar that a human sound. How many times more I have to lose her?
I have to go back, and try again, and again until she has the life she deserves, he thought. The first time he went back he just wanted his sword hand back. He closed his eyes, playing over and over that moment in his head and when he opened them again, he had his hand back. After that, he went back over and over to try to save her, unsuccessfully. But how I can do it now? He went back all the times since he met her and … “Me,” he said in a whisper. Because of me, she ends over and over losing her life. For me! a shiver went down his spine. He knew now how to save her but to do it he has to lose her, forever.
Jaime kissed Brienne for the first and the last time. He closed his eyes and thought of the day he pushed Bran Stark through the tower. When he opened them again, he was there in the tower, with Cersei.
Epilogue
It had been three years since the last time he returned. Everything had changed since he decided to leave the tower with Cersei. Bran Stark never fell, no one tried to kill him, Catelyn Stark never apprehended Tyrion and all the chaos that followed it never happened. Nobody remembered nothing of all this but him … Jaime remembered it all. That made his relationship with Cersei so cold that didn’t last too long. Jaime left the Kingsguard to return to Casterly Rock to become the heir that his father always wanted him to be, with the idea of spent the rest of his life there, and avoid a possible meeting with Brienne.
But there are things that not even the heir of Casterly Rock can avoid forever and so is how he ended up in King’s Landing to attend Joffrey’s coronation.Ned Stark has done a remarkable job preparing Joffrey to be king, he couldn’t recognize him. Starks can do miracles and turn monsters in decent men.At least King’s Landing would never suffer the Joffrey I knew, he thought feeling kind of proud of making things right, this time. Unfortunately for Robert, some things can’t be changed and he died the same, for the same hand or not, that they will never know.
Jaime was sick of the nonsense chatter around him; he never liked the court, so fake and stupid; and he can’t stand Cersei’s deadly stare any longer; she’ll never forget him for leaving her.
“I need get out of here, I need fresh air,” he told to his father at his left.
“Don’t be out too long, you barely talked with the women in here and you should … ” Jaime finished the sentence before his father could say it.
“Marry. I know, I don’t forget that part of my duties as your heir.” he nodded to his father “Father” he said, leaving his father observing the room, probably trying to find the most suited, future wife, for Jaime.
Jaime inhaled the air on the balcony. He hated the smell of the city, another thing that didn’t change. Observing the stars he wonder if the war would happen after all. Maybe he didn’t stop it. What if he only gave the Seven Kingdoms a few years of peace? Deep in his thoughts, Jaime didn’t hear someone came out to the balcony.
“Oh! Sorry, I thought this was empty” Jaime knew who was before he turned around. He couldn’t stop a smile to come to his face.
“It’s ok wen… My Lady” he did a reverence and saw how she turned red and avoided looking at him. She was like he remembers her, except she didn’t lose her cheek. And she didn’t wear a pink dress, but a blue one. Well picked, blue suited her eyes, those astonish eyes. “You can stay, it didn’t bother me” he was grinning so much that he was worried to scared her, but couldn’t help it.
An awkward silence followed then. She was still red and looking everywhere but him.
“Hiding from something” he started asking “for someone?” she looked, finally, at him.
She opened her eyes so much that for a moment, a little moment, he thought she recognized him “Kingslayer” she said in a whisper. She didn’t know him, how could she? but he could recognize the way she said the name and the tone she used. Things may change, but not what happened with Aerys and people don’t forget that easily.
“Again that name. I almost forgot about it. You despise me that much, My Lady?”
Brienne shook her head in negation “Your hand …” Jaime pulled his right arm up for her to take a good look at was left of it.
“You’re scared of a handless man then?” he asked sadly, the smile gone from his face. In the end, he loses his hand, in a different way. A heroic one. But lost it all the same.
“No, I …” she was nervous and her redness didn’t go away.
“What’s your name, My Lady?”
“Brienne, Brienne of Tarth”
“Oh, Brienne, nice name” Jaime smiled at her again. ”You still want to join me here? I mean, can you handle been with the Kingslayer in the same balcony?”
Brienne stayed quiet for a while, for sure she was thinking. Someone that didn’t know must think she’s slow but he knew she likes to think everything before she acts.
Finally, she nodded “Good, I can tell you a story if you want to hear it”
“What’s story?”
His smile widened “A story about a Lion Knight, a man without honor and a woman knight who saved him”
“I never heard that story”
“Oh, is a good one, you want to hear it or not?”
“Yes”
Jaime offered his left hand and she accepted. “Then we should start from the beginning,” he said as he leads her to contemplate the city by night.
He didn’t tell her their story to make her remember, that was impossible, but to make her know how important she is for him, even if he never mention their names. He planned all his life without her, thinking he was the worst thing that ever happened to her, but after meeting her again and thinking about all the things that end up happening anyway, maybe they’re one of those things.