Chapter Text
“I am so bloody sick, and tired of you lot trying to end the world every few billions of years.” God’s voice boomed. The angels all shivered in fear, the demons all glared up in the cloud showing their defiance. “It’s all the same damn thing, I told Metatron to knock it off.”
“My Lord, it’s the ineffable plan….” Michael began before the clouds shone bright again.
“And what do you know of the ineffable plan?” God demanded. Michael flushed red and bowed her head. “That’s the point of the plan, it’s ineffable. Even I don’t know what the ineffable plan is!”
“So no war?” Dagon asked voice filled with sorrow.
“No war.” God announced. “No end of the world, no second coming, no nothing. Just do what you’ve done for 6,000 years.”
Aziraphale felt brave. He stepped forward and swallowed. “My Lord?” Aziraphale said softly. “I remember when the universe was created, the plan was for the world to be running for 6,000 years and then it would end. That’s what all the angels were talking about.”
There was a slight wind. It was almost like God was sighing. “The plan was for the universe to run 6,000 years and then we would reassess." God explained. “Somehow the plan was lost down the grapevine and it turned into the ending the world. I knew I should’ve stepped in myself.”
“You disappeared for thousands of years.” Sandalphon muttered.
“I stepped away after the Job situation. I wanted to after humanity killed my son but I didn’t trust the archangels to run it righteously yet.” The archangels shuffled nervously. “The Metatron stopped talking to me around the turn of the twentieth century so I didn’t even know about the first Armageddon.” Adam could feel someone turning to face him and braced himself. “I’m so sorry Adam Young, you shouldn’t have been made the pawn in Heaven and Hell’s plan.”
“I’ve learned to deal with it.” Adam said with a shrug. “But you really should stop trying to end the world, the humans don’t even get a say in their destruction.”
Jesus stepped forward. “God?” He called. “I learned so much from my two brief times on Earth. I never really got a good go at things.” He laughed nervously and took a deep breath. “But I think everyone here deserves a second chance. That includes those who were removed from the Book of Life.”
There was a pregnant pause. “I agree.” God announced.
“NO.” Michael yelled. There was a loud snap and suddenly buildings and people began reappearing. Anathema gasped when Newt appeared in front of her and tackled him in a hug. Maggie cried when Nina popped back and Brian and Pepper looked confused when they appeared back in the group.
Sarquael looked up at the sky and smirked. “Huh. Canada’s back.” She muttered.
“I guess that man on my campus was right after a while.” Wensleydale announced.
“Nah he’s still wrong.” Pepper said proudly. “God is a woman.”
Meanwhile Metatron popped back in his office, looking around confused, and felt over his corporal body to make sure it was real. “I need a vacation.” He sighed, falling back in his chair.
Aziraphale felt tears in his eyes when Crowley appeared and hugged him tight, rivaling Anathema in terms of strength. Crowley laughed and patted Aziraphale’s head in comfort.
“Told you angel.” Crowley whispered. “I won’t leave you behind.”
“This is outrageous!” Michael yelled face red. She stood up and threw the book to the ground. “What do we do now?”
God hummed. “I don’t know.” She admitted. Aziraphale felt someone turn towards him and let go of Crowley but took his hand. “What say you supreme archangel, what should happen now?”
Aziraphale looked around. He saw the state of the angels all looking lost and confused, he looked at the demons who looked gross and misshapen but were still just as lost as the angels, and he looked at the humans, led by Jesus, all hopeful he would make the right choice. He looked at Crowley who nodded at him and smiled.
“I want everyone to have free will.” Aziraphale announced. “I want the angels and demons to be able to make the choice whether to live in Heaven and Hell. I want Heaven and Hell to serve humans and help them in the afterlife. I want everyone to love.” He looked hard at Crowley and squeezed his hand. “Everyone.”
“My Lord, you're not seriously considering this!” Michael said, flabbergasted.
“I’ll allow it.” God announced. Michael’s mouth fell open. “Angels and demons now have free will. They are encouraged to mingle with the humans and learn about humanity. If they remain in Heaven and Hell they are to help the humans who have passed onto the afterlife, not end the world.”
The humans, Jesus, Muriel, and Aziraphale and Crowley all let out a cheer and began hugging one another. The demons and angels looked at each other confused at God’s commands. Michael stepped forward, her chest puffed.
“This is outrageous!” Michael yelled, silencing the cheering. “The ineffable plan clearly states that the world must end in 6,000 years, that's how it’s always been!”
“Were you not paying attention?” God demanded. “I told you, even I don’t know what the ineffable plan says.”
“You can’t just cancel Armageddon!” Michael yelled.
“I just did.” God said smugly.
“I want to file a formal complaint!” Michael announced.
There was a pause. Everyone held their breath wondering what God was going to do. Michael was clearly not backing down, and she wanted her war. Finally God spoke. “I think you need to learn more about humanity first hand, my ex-supreme archangel.” Michael gasped horrified. “I think a few centuries living as a humble human will teach you the value of humans.”
“You can’t do this to me!” Michael shrieked. “I was a general in the Great War! I struck Lucifer down with one swipe! I-” But she didn’t get to finish her rant, because a giant snap rang out and suddenly Michael was gone, off somewhere to begin her punishment of living as a human whoever knows where. Muriel quietly picked up the Book of Life and tucked it in their coat jacket.
“Thank goodness.” Uriel huffed. They jumped when they saw Sarquael raise an eyebrow at them. “Well they were getting a bit crazy at the end weren’t they?”
“So, what, we’re supposed to be all touchy-feely with humans and not send them to their doom or torture them?” Shax asked. “Sounds boring.”
“Do you want Michael’s fate?” Eric hissed at the duke.
“Oh you lot don’t get it do you?” Crowley said, breaking his hold on Aziraphale and standing in front of the demons. “That means you don’t have to do what you’ve been told you have to do! You can just be free! To do whatever you want!”
“.....What if I took up knitting?” Dagon asked enthusiastically.
“Whatever you want!”
“I want to read every book in the world!” Muriel said with a grin.
“Whatever!”
“I still want to torture humans and send them to their doom.” Shax muttered. The humans shuffled nervously.
“Or just do that. Like God said, free will.” Crowley said with a shrug.
“I am afraid I must now depart.” God announced. “I need to have a word with a certain voice of me about great plans. Jesus?” Jesus smiled up at the clouds. “Watch over them. Seems like you found the lady after all.”
“I will God, I will.” Jesus said softly. He flushed slightly. “Thanks….mom.”
“Lord! Before you go!” Aziraphale called stepping forward. “I have one more request of you.”
“Yes?”
“I wish to resign as supreme archangel of all of Heaven.” Aziraphale announced. There were gasps from angels and humans alike at the request. The archangels all smiled quietly to themselves; maybe now God would put a true angel in charge of all Heaven, ie one of them.
“But why Aziraphale?” God asked. “You have made such wonderful changes to Heaven in your short time in charge. You wish to give that all up?”
“I’ll admit I liked the job, and I liked making changes in Heaven.” Aziraphale explained. “But I missed Earth, my bookshop, humans and most importantly….” he smiled and looked over at Crowley, then took his hand again. “Crowley.”
“Ngk.” Crowley muttered going red.
God hummed again. “Very well.” She finally said after some time. “I accept your resignation. But you must select a new supreme archangel in your place.”
“I know just the angel, my lord.” Aziraphale announced. Each archangel stood or sat up straight thinking Aziraphale was going to pick them. Instead their hopes were crushed when Aziraphale turned around and grabbed Muriel bringing them over to them. “I pick Muriel, thirty eighth class scrivener.”
“WHAT?” The archangels yelled.
“What?” Muriel gasped.
“Go Muriel!” Nina cheered.
“But I can’t be supreme archangel, I'm just….Muriel!” Muriel pointed out.
“My dear.” Aziraphale said gently taking Muriel’s hands. “You were the only one up in Heaven who was ever kind to me. “You were willing to live among humans and learn what made them tick. And you were brave coming down to Earth to tell me about Michael’s plan so we could stop it.”
“Uh technically I found out Michael’s plan and I told them to come down to Earth!” Uriel pointed out but was ignored.
“I know you will make a fine supreme archangel.” Aziraphale smiled. Muriel looked into Aziraphale’s eyes and saw nothing but love and hope shining in them. They beamed and nodded.
“Then just call me supreme archangel!” Muriel said with a grin.
“Muriel, thirty eighth class scrivener, I hereby proclaim you to all the Heavens as Supreme Archangel Muriel.” God announced. The angels cheered, the humans on Whickber Street who had gotten to know Muriel over the past three years all cheered as well. The archangels all slumped disappointed that once again they’d have to listen to a former lesser angel and take their orders.
“If only you’d become my voice on the Earth, Aziraphale.” Muriel said.
“I think that can be arranged my dear.” Aziraphale smiled as Crowley stepped forward.
“Way to go little bookseller.” Crowley smirked, punching Muriel playfully on the arm. He did a mock bow. “I mean, supreme archangel.” Muriel giggled.
“Now I really truly must go but I plan on keeping watch a little bit more now. I hope not to run into any more problems among my angels, especially my archangels.” God announced. All the archangels shuffled nervously.
With one final shine on the clouds, God departed. The clouds parted and in their place was a rainbow shining over Soho. Crowley snorted.
“A promise to never do that again.” Crowley whispered to Aziraphale who nudged him.
“Wait, don't go!” Pepper yelled, stepping forward. “I have so many questions!”
“Get used to it kid, she doesn't answer anything.” Crowley pointed out.
“So what now?” Mrs. Sandwich asked, breaking the moment. Angel, demon, and human alike looked around. The street was a mess; windows were broken and glass was over the sidewalks, there was angelic and demon blood on the street, cars looking worse for wear caught in the cross fire, and small fires of debris were popping up everywhere.
“I think.” Aziraphale muttered, turning to the two groups. “I think a clean up is in order.”
“You think we’re going to help clean up?” Sandalphon snorted, crossing his arms. “I’m still an archangel, I don’t do mundane activities like cleaning. That’s a lesser angel's job…”
BOOM
Everyone jumped as a car that caught a piece of burning debris exploded, lighting the entire vehicle on fire and sending more glass to the ground. Two more car alarms went off in response as everyone looked on surprised and horrified.
“I’ll get you a broom.” Uriel muttered watching the flames dance in the air.
“I’ll start on the fires.” Sarquael announced.
Metatron had just gotten back to work looking for the messiah when a loud booming voice knocked him back in his chair.
“Metatron.” God commanded.
“My lord!” Metatron gasped standing up and clasping his hands. “I haven’t heard from you in, who knows how long!”
“You stopped talking to me ages ago.” God pointed out.
“Oh I thought you were busy, y’know doing God-like things.” Metatron tried to explain nervously.
“Metatron I hope you weren’t doing anything in particular at this moment.” God announced, sounding like a mother scolding her children. Metatron paled. “I believe we have much to talk about.”