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“Take a break, Jaekyung,” Namwook said from behind Jaekyung in Team Black’s gym as Jaekyung paused between hitting the sandbag. “You earned a longer rest after the match with Junmin.”
It was early afternoon, and the gym was decently crowded, still. Their numbers had been up since Jaekyung won his match, even if the new regulars were still a bit wary of the star himself.
Jaekyung might have ordinarily argued and just kept working, in part because it meant he didn’t have to bother with the newbies. But he didn’t feel up to it. Instead, he grabbed the offered towel and wiped his face off while he walked over to the office, wondering if he should try to catch a nap. He wasn’t sleeping well again, and now had no way to rectify it with Dan gone.
It had been a couple weeks since Dan moved out. Since Jaekyung had lain in his empty bed, staring at the ceiling in the morning light, his eyes red from crying most of the night, knowing he was just going to see Dan off and that’d be the end of it.
Jaekyung’s mother had left Jaekyung’s father when she got the opportunity. And given the chance, she stayed away from Jaekyung, too. She knew it was bad to be near him. He wasn’t worth the trouble. All that being near Jaekyung had gotten Dan – outside the money – was trouble. Money was no longer an issue, with the salary Jaekyung had been paying him, and Okja’s time approaching… So Dan was best set leaving for better pastures.
It had still been hard to see Dan in person. He looked good, and Jaekyung had to resist, hard, not to call out to him, not to grab him and hug him. Jaekyung hadn’t even been able to stay in the penthouse to wait for Namwook to drop Dan off, and not just because Jaekyung was worried about some other asshole with a knife waiting for Dan to show up to Jaekyung’s door. He’d wanted to see Dan at the first opportunity he could. And when Dan had looked at him with that worried face… Jaekyung didn’t know what he was doing just standing there that was bothering Dan, but clearly it was proof he made the right decision to let Dan go.
And it meant Dan was safe. He’d been with Namwook, and then he was with Jaekyung. Everything was okay. The world hadn’t exploded now that Dan wasn’t in the hospital.
The entire time Dan was in the penthouse, Jaekyung could feel the ring box in his pocket. He’d thought about tossing the rings or burying them in his closet somewhere, but the last night before Dan left, they’d been the only thing that kept him half-sane, and he’d clutched the ring box in his hand all night long, even if it didn’t stop the tears.
He hadn’t said anything to Dan about them. It didn’t matter anymore. Dan was better off somewhere else. With someone else.
And it had sucked they had missed Dan’s birthday, though Namwook said they brought Dan some food. Still, the cake Jaekyung had never given Dan was ruined and long since trashed. And Jaekyung didn’t want to force a giant cake on the guy just after he’d gotten out of the hospital.
But a slice shouldn’t be too bad… Which was why Jaekyung had bought one during his morning run.
Laying back on the couch at the gym, thinking of that stupid slice of cake being all Jaekyung had given Dan… So pathetic. Jaekyung owed him so much more.
There was a knock before Namwook stepped inside the office and asked, “Oh, you gonna sleep, Jaekyung? Want me to turn the light off?”
Jaekyung shrugged and said, “Whatever.” He didn’t think he’d sleep. But he could try.
Namwook waited a moment, and then said, “If you want to go home early, you can, too.”
Jaekyung didn’t reply to that. What would he do at home? Mope more?
Namwook sighed and said, “I know things have been hard since Doc Dan left, but you need to decide on your next steps, especially now that you’re Champion again.”
“I’m trying to sleep, hyung,” Jaekyung said, wearily. He didn’t want to talk to Namwook about this. Being Champion again just felt… meaningless.
“Okay,” Namwook said, with some resignation. He clicked the lights off and then stepped back, shutting the door behind him, and leaving Jaekyung in the dark.
When sleep didn’t come, as usual, Jaekyung pulled up his phone and looked in his contacts. Because Namwook had a point about moving on. Yeah, Jaekyung couldn’t be with Dan, but there were other people, surely? Yeah, when Dad had left the first time, it hadn’t worked out but…
Every name he saw there was someone Jaekyung had zero interest in contacting, let alone fucking. He’d been flooded with texts from people once he got the championship back. Everyone wanted the returned champ’s dick, apparently. And mostly his money.
Jaekyung hadn’t even looked at the prize money for beating Junmin. It hadn’t mattered. Not as much as wanting to beat the guy even harder after seeing he was involved in everything. All the bad things that had happened to Dan… It was all that piece of shit’s fault…
Jaekyung lowered his phone and breathed in deeply. Thinking about Junmin never helped. Unless Jaekyung needed to work harder on punching sandbags. I hope he rots in prison.
His phone started going off with a phone call, and Jaekyung looked down, surprised. Most people knew not to call him.
The caller ID itself was unusual, but he put it to his ear. “Director?”
“Now you reply,” Byungchul said with annoyance on the other end. “You haven’t responded to my text message at all.”
Jaekyung glared at the ceiling. While he couldn’t check on Dan or Okja himself, Byungchul was still at the hospital, and Jaekyung, foolishly, had asked the old man to tell him how they were doing.
Byungchul had replied, “Come see them yourself if you’re so worried.”
And Jaekyung hadn’t responded. The man didn’t like technology other than TV, though, let alone making phone calls… The text had been something he’d done when he was really depressed one night. And that Byungchul responded even briefly was a shock.
“I’m busy,” Jaekyung said. “I’m training.”
“Too busy to see your man?” Byungchul asked.
Jaekyung’s frowned. “What?”
“You’re the one asking to check on him,” Byungchul said. “What if he’s not doing well, while I’m out of it? I’m old, I can’t keep track of these things for you.”
“…You’re not that old, Director.” The man was still loud and active, despite his infirmities.
“Oh shut up,” Byungchul said. “If you’re not gonna see him, then come and see me. You owe me, anyway.”
Jaekyung supposed he had been neglecting his coach, and it might get Namwook off his back for a little; after all, Jaekyung could say he was getting advice from his first coach. Even if it ran the risk of seeing Dan, well…
Jaekyung didn’t know what he’d say if that happened. He imagined Dan was happier without Jaekyung around.
“His grandmother’s still not doing well, either,” Byungchul commented. “Might want to see her again before, well…” He didn’t finish, but his tone was sad.
I never said bye to Okja, Jaekyung thought. “Yeah. I’ll… I’ll come by. Soon.” And he’d figure out how to avoid Dan.
Jaekyung showed up at Light of Hope Hospice with some books for his coach and a bouquet for Okja. He’d been ordering them for her since he was away, but he figured maybe, if she was still cognizant, she’d appreciate a fresh one. He hadn’t really done that before Dan was hospitalized, but he assumed she might appreciate it, too. She liked the outdoors, after all, and spent too much time cooped up now that she was sicker.
His heart was racing as he walked into the hospital, but thankfully he didn’t see Dan anywhere. Driving here had been hard enough, with the ring box burning a hole in his pocket. He’d considered leaving it behind in Seoul, but… It wasn’t like he was going to do anything with it. And if he lost it, maybe that’d make things easier, anyway.
The staff let him go to Okja’s room: she was awake and free. And when Jaekyung got there, she was there with her nurse. Her face lit up when Jaekyung stepped into the doorway.
“Is that Joo Jaekyung?” Okja asked in delight. Her voice was a little weaker, and she looked even paler than Jaekyung remembered.
Jaekyung forced a smile on his face, glad to see her. He remembered when Byungchul’s mother passed. She got so thin. And it was hard to see a woman who’d been so active and chipper weakening so quickly. “Yeah. Sorry I haven’t been by.”
“Oh you just missed Dan,” she said as Jaekyung walked up with the flowers. “And is that a bouquet for me? Ah, you shouldn’t have…” She admired the flowers as he showed them to her.
Jaekyung was saddened and glad he’d missed Dan. Maybe the guy would have an easier day of it without dealing with Jaekyung. “It’s an apology for being gone so long.”
Okja smiled warmly at him. “You have a life, and that’s not a bad thing. You can put those next to the other one, if you’d like.”
Jaekyung had brought the bouquet in a vase of its own, and turned to set it down on the counter next to the other bouquet he’d sent.
“Mr. Joo?” Dan asked from the doorway.
Jaekyung froze and turned to stare.
Dan was standing there in his scrubs, looking handsome and healthy as ever, and staring at Jaekyung in surprise. “What are you doing here?”
“…Visiting your grandma,” Jaekyung said. He was having trouble breathing, Dan was so close. Their time apart had made no difference on Jaekyung’s desire. He hadn’t moved on at all. “And my coach. I… didn’t mean to intrude.”
Dan’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “You’re not intruding.” His eyes moved to Jaekyung’s hands. “Did you bring flowers?”
“…Yeah.”
Dan started smiling warmly then, and it made Jaekyung’s insides melt. “That was kind of you.”
Jaekyung’s face was warm. He’s just being nice. He’s always nice. Even to me.
“I’m glad you’re here, Jaekyung,” Okja said after a moment, “But why don’t you and Dan catch up? I’m feeling a bit tired. We can chat later.”
“Uh, sure,” Jaekyung said. He glanced at Dan, who nodded, and gestured Jaekyung out of the room.
Jaekyung deposited the flowers, and then smiled at Okja, who waved at him. Then Jaekyung followed Dan out.
Dan led him out to a bench by the side of the building, and then said, “I imagine you’re tired from the drive. Sorry.” He stood before Jaekyung calmly. Not running away or angry.
“It’s fine,” Jaekyung said. He made the drive okay in the end. He’d make it back, too. He’d get on with his life.
“Are you the one who’s been sending my grandma flowers?” Dan asked.
Jaekyung’s face burned. “…Yes. I thought she’d like them.”
“She does,” Dan said. “And no one else is sending her any. I’m glad you sent them.”
Jaekyung was relieved. Dan wasn’t upset about Jaekyung’s interference. “And how are…? How are you doing?”
“I’m okay,” Dan replied. “Work’s easier these days now that I’m doing better.” Dan smiled awkwardly. “I’m eating better and my new place is larger, so I have room for all the stuff you gave me.”
Jaekyung nodded. He’d suggested Dan take the hostel now that Jaekyung wasn’t going to be there, and Dan had accepted. It was the same commute, with more room. And it meant Dan could keep all the clothes he had, and see Boksoon’s puppies. Plus, Dan was familiar with the kitchen because they’d stayed there whenever they visited. Dan wouldn’t have to look for a new place.
“How have you been?” Dan asked, looking up at Jaekyung with a curious expression.
Jaekyung shrugged. “I’m just training. I don’t have a new match set up yet.” He hadn’t decided when he wanted one. There were people who wanted to fight him, but nothing felt right. He didn’t know if he was in proper shape for it. It didn’t seem to matter much without Dan around.
Dan nodded, understanding.
Jaekyung stared at the other man, drinking in the sight of him. There had been so many long nights of remembering him. Getting pent up in the shower alone. Eating meals in his penthouse alone. Listening to the cook chatter every now and then, or hum. All the memories he and Dan shared. And there would be no new ones after this.
It all felt so ridiculous with Dan in front of him. Real and physical. Not a daydream. He was touchable. But Jaekyung couldn’t touch him.
It hurt, to be so close, and not be able to get closer. At least when Jaekyung couldn’t see Dan, Jaekyung could pretend he was okay.
This was a mistake, Jaekyung thought. He thought if he could know, for sure, that Dan was doing okay, things would be better. It would solve whatever was wrong with him. As long as he knew things were fine, Jaekyung could move on. But all it meant was that the longing in Jaekyung’s heart was stronger.
“Are you seeing anyone?” Jaekyung asked. He realized it was a stupid question immediately.
Dan’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “What? No. I… I’m just focusing on Grandma right now.”
“Ah, yeah,” Jaekyung said. “That makes sense.” He felt like an idiot.
“…What about you?” Dan asked. He seemed a little nervous. Probably out of politeness.
Jaekyung looked away. “No. I’ve just… been focusing on training.” Because no one else is you.
Dan studied him for a bit, before asking, “Mr. Joo… Were you the one who sent flowers to my hospital room every day?”
Jaekyung blinked in surprise. His face was hot. “I… Yeah. I brought them, anyway. Sorry. Did you hate them?” What if Dan was bothered by them?
“You don’t have to apologize,” Dan said with a gentle smile. “I liked them. But no one could tell me who they were from. Even the nurses wouldn’t say.”
“The nurses didn’t like me,” Jaekyung said. “They were worried I’d do something to you.” They avoided him when he was around, and he’d done his best to keep away from them.
“What?” Dan asked in surprise. “Really?”
“I didn’t do anything,” Jaekyung said, trying to be clear. “But… they were worried, so… I figured it was best I stay away.”
“Why were they worried?” Dan asked.
“…I don’t know,” Jaekyung said. “But lots of people are afraid of me.” No matter what he did, that’s how he was left in the end. “And I don’t blame them. Given I’m the reason you were hurt.”
“You’re not, though,” Dan insisted, making Jaekyung’s eyebrows rise. “Baek Junmin’s team did that. Not you. You did nothing more than try to perform your sport in a planned match.”
“But he wouldn’t have targeted you if not for me,” Jaekyung insisted. Surely Dan was aware of the danger he’d been in? Sure, Dan was clueless sometimes, but…
“He could have chosen not to target anyone,” Dan replied, seemingly uncowed by Jaekyung’s comments. “He made the choice. Not you. Just like those loan sharks made the choice to go after me and to fight you.”
Jaekyung hadn’t thought much of the loan sharks who’d harassed Dan in a long time. But he supposed Dan did have a familiarity with violence outside Jaekyung. The older man was a bit of a problem magnet.
“You’re still better off without me around,” Jaekyung said.
“You saved my life,” Dan replied. “Multiple times. Not just that night, but a number of times before.” Dan shook his head. “I don’t know what the nurses thought, but I’m sorry they made you feel like you were dangerous for me. They were wrong.”
Jaekyung’s eyes itched a little. He knew he’d have to leave before something bad happened, like he started crying like an idiot or something.
“You said you brought the flowers yourself,” Dan said. “So you visited. But you were never around when I was awake?”
Jaekyung was embarrassed. “I tried not to stay too long. So I didn’t bother you.” He didn’t need the nurses to get angry at him. It was enough to see Dan was still alive, and sleeping normally.
“I would have liked seeing you,” Dan said, which made Jaekyung’s heart skip a beat. “And the rest of Team Black said you never showed up, too. That was wrong.”
Jaekyung shrugged. He hadn’t exactly talked to Namwook about any of it, or the others. He just went to Dan’s side nearly every day. That was all. He’d tried staying away entirely, but that hadn’t worked.
“The night I was attacked,” Dan said, “I got us a cake. To celebrate after your match. It got destroyed in the attack. I’m sorry.”
“You got us a cake?” Jaekyung asked, surprised.
Dan nodded. “I didn’t know if you’d like it, but I thought, well… It was worth a shot.”
“…I’d have liked it a lot,” Jaekyung said. He smiled ruefully, imagining. And angry at himself for daring to imagine. “I got you one, too. For your birthday. It got ruined, though. I’m sorry.”
“You got me a cake for my birthday?” Dan asked in surprise. “Mr. Joo…”
Jaekyung’s lips parted to say, I got you more than that, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t say it. It was unfair.
“Mr. Joo, you’re crying,” Dan said as he stepped forward. He raised his hands, awkwardly, then put them down.
Jaekyung turned his head away and brushed his arm over his face. “Sorry. I… I guess I’m just tired.”
“…You never cry when you’re tired,” Dan said.
Jaekyung grimaced. I guess he’s familiar with that…
Dan reached out and rested his hand just over Jaekyung’s arm. It hovered there, and Jaekyung was afraid to move.
Jaekyung stared at him, confused. But it was nice, just being close. Eventually, his breathing relaxed a bit. And it felt easier to stand there. Just a little.
“Do you want to get dinner at my place tonight?” Dan eventually asked. He pulled his hand back, awkwardly. “It won’t be fancy, but… I can cook. If you’d like.”
Jaekyung swallowed, and eventually croaked, “I’d like that a lot.” It would be awkward, too, but he couldn’t find it in himself to say no.
Dan’s bright smile knocked Jaekyung over. “Great! I… I’d like to talk more, too. But I have to get back to work.”
Jaekyung nodded quickly. “Of course. Yeah. Sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize so much,” Dan said, warmly. “I’m glad you visited my Grandma. I know she appreciates it.”
“It’s nice seeing her,” Jaekyung said, more easily. It really was nice. “I can drive you back to your place, if you want.” He was just planning to drive home after this, but if he was meeting Dan for a meal, well… He’d figure it out.
“That’s great, thank you,” Dan said. “I’ll text you when I get off.”
“Yeah,” Jaekyung said. “I have to go visit the Director, so… no rush or anything.”
Dan smiled again. “He’s missed you. I’m glad you’re visiting him, too.”
Jaekyung shrugged. Crotchety old man. But he supposed he had to be grateful the curmudgeon got him to come out here.
“I’ll take to you later, Mr. Joo,” Dan said. He finally reached out and gently pressed his hand to Jaekyung’s arm. The touch was hot in the best way. “Will you be okay?”
Jaekyung had to breathe in deeply. “I’ll manage. Thanks.” Don’t go.
Dan looked at him thoughtfully, before finally saying, “Okay. Just ask for me if you need help.”
“Okay,” Jaekyung said. Not that he wanted to bother Dan more than necessary. But he wouldn’t move away before Dan did. Not this time.
Dan finally pulled his hand back, and then walked back inside.
Jaekyung watched him go. He could still feel the imprint of Dan’s fingers on his arm, even through the jacket. He didn’t know what was going to come of all this. Surely more disaster would strike. Maybe Jaekyung should come up with an excuse and leave…
A warm wind tickled Jaekyung’s neck, and his face felt too dry from the tears. But he had a promise of dinner and more talking. And he hadn’t hoped for that at all.
The ring box burned in his pocket.
Jaekyung breathed in deeply, thinking he wasn’t going to be a coward. He’d drive Dan home. They’d talk. Maybe that would end it. Or… Or…
His heart was beating so fast.
Eventually, he got the courage to walk back into the hospice himself.