Work Text:
“I managed to get one last night.” Camilla proudly announced.
Sharon narrowed her eyes. A sour look crossed her face. “It was sold out at the bookstore on my way home.”
“What was?” Yor asked.
Camilla produced from her bag a cookbook. “Dylan Hollis’ cookbook For the Ages. They featured it on late night last week, didn’t you see? It’s the hottest cookbook out there right now!”
She studied the cover. “Is it good?”
“I mean, I haven’t made anything with it yet but it’s supposed to be.” Camilla gave her an intense look. “Don’t start with this. Focus on the basics. You are not ready for new recipes.”
“Oh! I wasn’t thinking about it for me!” She assured Camilla. Raising her hands placatingly. “Loid likes cooking but whenever I find a new cookbook he seems to have already read them. So I was wondering if he might like it.”
Camilla scrunched up her nose and crossed her arms. “Don’t be so sweet on him, it’s too much.”
Sharon shook her head and turned back to her desk. “It’s not sweet to give someone cooking supplies. It’s just a demand for more work from them. That’s why we hired someone to do it.”
“Oh but if he likes cooking isn’t it nice? Maybe it’s not a chore for him like it is for you Sharon!” Millie suggested.
“It’s not a gift if you’re the one who ends up doing all the work.” Sharon shot back. Voice testy.
“Yor.” Camilla said, face hard. “If you do get him the cookbook, you absolutely need to let him do all of the work.”
“But what if that makes him upset- I don’t want to add a chore to his plate.”
Camilla waved her off. “Just offer to go through the book together and pick out a recipe or something. And do the dishes. You have to do all the dishes- that’s key. Or else that handsome husband of yours might actually get annoyed.”
She always did the dishes. Although sometimes he did help. “Thank you Camilla.”
Her lip twisted up. “Ugh. Leave me out of it, no matter how it goes.”
“A cookbook?” Loid stared at it for a moment. Turned it over to the back. “I don’t think I’ve seen this one before.”
“It’s brand new! Camilla and Sharon were discussing it this morning and I thought- I thought it might be fun? To try making something new- not to say that I’m bored with your cooking! That’s not it at all-“
“Thank you Yor. It’s always nice to find out if there’s any new recipes in these that I haven’t seen before.” He started to flip through the pages.
There was something Yor had learned about Loid early on.
He read incredibly quickly.
He could read slowly. Turned the pages of Anya’s spy war comics with a deliberate slowness. Like somewhere between the panels might be the answer to Anya that he just kept missing. If he only studied them long enough, he could piece her out.
But most of the time he flipped through his medical journals with what she wouldn’t have even considered much more than a glance but seemed to have somehow absorbed it. She could barely read the articles in those tomes, much less read anything so quickly.
So when he began flipping through the pages, “I’m always happy to try,” she knew that he wasn’t just glancing at the pictures. “Something,” His relaxed smile suddenly failing him, “New.” He finished with a deep furrow to his brow. “Yor…” He hesitated. Studying her suddenly. “Are you sure you and Camilla are on good terms?”
She cocked her head. “Yes?”
“Had she bought it?”
“Yes, she showed me it at lunch. That’s how I knew what to look for at the bookstore.” Dread blossomed in her belly at his expression as he looked back down at the pages. “Is something wrong with it?”
He flipped to the front page, the one she never bothered much to look at because it wasn’t part of the story. “No, it says first addition.” He muttered. Flipped a few pages forward to the authors note at the beginning. “Hm.”
“I can return it, if you don’t like it.”
His head snapped up, shocked. “No- no. No need for that. The recipes are a bit unique but that just means it’ll be more exciting to give them a try. Uh,” He flipped through. Stopped at an exact page and showed her the recipe. “Pickle cheesecake. Sounds bizarre but sometimes the best recipes do. I’ve made a sweet spinach pie before that came out such a vibrant green I was almost afraid to eat it. But it was very good. I’m sure this will be too.”
“If you’re sure- do you want any help?”
“Just watch Anya. I’ll get this and the rest of dinner going.”
They all took a bite together.
Loid and Anya immediately spit it back out. Loid did not scold Anya as they both rushed to the sink to wash out their mouths.
It sat on her tongue. She’d made worse. Eaten worse. But it was unpleasant.
Loid had made something unpleasant.
Because of her. Because of the cookbook she’d brought home.
“Yor.” Loid stifled down his gag reflex. “You don’t need to eat that.” When she looked down at the rest of the pie in its barely cut glory, he said more firmly, “Please don’t eat that.”
“There’s no need to waste food. I can eat it.”
He snatched her plate and the remainder of the pan. “No. Absolutely not. It must have been dill pickles not sweet pickles. Or- it just said pickles- maybe they meant a different vegetable pickled altogether.” He muttered as he shoveled the whole thing into the trash.
She stood to stop him.
Anya blocked her path. Crossed her arms in an X in front of her and shook her head. “No Mama.”
“I really don’t mind Loid- most of the things I make are worse than that.” It wasn’t even burned.
The look he gave her was so severe she abandoned all hope of rescuing the poor not desert. “I mind Yor. I’m not letting you eat something that went so wrong.” Focused back on the crust he peeled off the bottom of the pan. “I must have misunderstood the recipe.”
“Maybe it was a bad recipe, Papa.” Anya suggested instead.
Something grim passed over his face before he plastered on a reassuring smile. “You’re probably right Anya. Every cookbook has a few duds. I’m sure the next one will be better.”
“I can return the cookbook Loid.”
“No that’s not necessary.” He assured setting the pan in the sink. “I’ll try a different recipe tomorrow. But let’s finish dinner.”
“I don’t want to eat something like that again.” Anya protested weakly. Eyeing the remaining dishes with a newfound skepticism. That look was reserved for her cooking. Not Loids.
“I’ll make sure to try it before I serve it.”
“Ughn-“
Loid made a sick sound from the kitchen.
“That one’s bad too huh Papa?”
She got up to stop him. He had firmly lodged the first jello mold in the trash before she had a chance to object. Was working on the other two.
“Loid stop- however bad it is I’ll eat it. I don’t want to waste food.”
“This isn’t food Yor.” The second mold of ground beef jiggled in the trash bin. “I will not have you eating it.” Face severe.
She caught the third in her hands. “I’m sure its fine!” Took a bite of the jello mold straight out of her hands. He was already moving to stop her- it wasn’t like she had time for a spoon or plate.
Loid and Anya froze. Watching her as it sat on her tongue.
She swallowed it.
Let the rest slide into the trash can. “It tastes like something Yuri would make…” Which was still better than what she made. But when it was Loid cooking… “I’ll return the cookbook.”
It was his turn to blocked her. Stood in the entrance to the kitchen and prevented her passage with his frame. “That’s not necessary. There are still more recipes I can try. Just because they’re a little strange doesn’t mean there aren’t some good ones in there.”
“Didn’t you start with the ones you thought would be best?”
“Uh,” His face twisted into momentary panic. “They’re unique so I’m just having a hard time judging which ones are best.”
“Loid, I don’t want to waste more food because I bought a terrible book.”
“I’ll make test batches so there’s less waste.”
“What’s a waste is having you cook food that’s bad!”
“We don’t know that it’ll be bad.”
She narrowed her eyes. Lowered her stance. The book was in it’s little recipe stand. If she was fast he couldn’t stop her.
His stance adjusted. “Don’t do it Yor.”
“It’s a battle of Mama and Papa!”
“uh!” “Ah!” They both turned to her. Faces flush. “We’re not-“ “That’s not-“
Looked at each other.
Laughed.
“Just let me try a few more.” Loid requested. “I’m sure it was a fluke.”
“Let’s pick out the next one together. That way its on all of us if it’s good or not.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
“How about this one Papa? I like peaches!”
“And spam is nice. It was always a treat when we Yuri and I got to eat it!”
Loid studied the recipe. Face grim.
“Is it going to be bad Papa?” Anya whispered.
“Oh? No I’m sure it’ll be good!” He smiled. It seemed forced. “I was just considering which kind of spam would go best with it. They make a lot of flavors these days.”
“They do?” He nodded. Eyes focused on the page. “It doesn’t say so probably just the normal kind.”
“That’s what I thought with the pickles.” He muttered under his breath.
It’s just a demand for more work from him. She pressed her hands together. She hoped this one was good. It had to be.
Or else she’d really just gotten him a massive chore.
All three of them dipped their spoons in to the Fiesta Peach Spam Bake. The spam cut into slices and studded with cloves. Split apart by the canned peaches, all shimmering with the sugar sweet syrup caramelized over top.
They said nothing.
No one moved for a second bite.
“It tastes like Christmas died.” Anya said.
She stood. Moved to the kitchen where that damn cookbook sat.
“No- Yor- It probably just needed a different type of spam- or fresh peaches! I know it said canned but-“
“Papa.” Anya grabbed him by the sleeve. “Mama’s doing what needs to be done.”
“I can fix it!” He insisted as she grabbed the awful book that had cursed their home since the moment she brought it home. “I have it memorized! Throwing it away is just a waste! If I still have it, I can annotate it and figure out how to make the recipes work!”
“It ruined spam Loid.” She said with a half a mind to shred the thing with her bare hands. It had been a treat during the war. They were always so excited when they got to eat it.
“And peaches.” Anya added.
Still Loid insisted. “I can fix it!”
“No more fixing! It’s going in the trash. I’ll shred it myself if I have to!”
“Don’t!”
Anya and her freeze.
There is genuine fear in his voice. A trembling plea.
“It’s a bad book Loid. Why does it matter? We know you’re a good cook.”
“Papa’s the best.” Anya agrees from where she has suddenly wrapped herself around his leg. “Except when he uses the evil cookbook. Mama got it cursed.”
“I didn’t mean to get a cursed book…” She promised, head drooped.
“It’s not cursed.” Papa muttered. “I’ll stop using it. But don’t shred it.” Grasped the book, still firmly in Yor’s hand.
“Why keep something you’re not going to use?” She asked, not releasing her hold.
He didn’t respond. Frowning down at it. “It’s like Mr. Penguin.” Anya offered.
His frown deepened. She let the book go and cocked her head. He tucked it to his chest like they both might still rip it away.
“It’s the first gift Mama gave you. So even tho its bad you don’t want to throw it away.”
His face went red. Looked away from them. “As perceptive as ever Anya.”
What?
Anya pat him on the leg and his ears went red. “There, there Papa. Don’t be embarrassed.”
“It’s hard not to be when you’re drawing attention to it.”
“Then you absolutely can’t keep it!” She rushed forward. Trying to yank it from him. He dodged. Side stepped. “My first gift can’t be a terrible cookbook!” His eyes went sharp as she swiped for it. “Let me get something else!” He unbuttoned his shirt.
Shoved it in. Tucking it between his shirt and skin.
Her hand froze. Grip clawed and ready to tear.
But unable to reach into his shirt. Touch his skin. To fish it out.
Which by the satisfied little smile he had on, he knew that.
“It’s a cookbook full of recipes I’ve never seen. That alone makes it worthwhile to me. So please trust me when I say- I don’t want something else. Just… Please stop trying to shred it.”
She bowed her head in defeat.
“There there Mama. Papa likes it so it’s okay.” Anya turned her face to him. Dead serious. “But no more using it. It tastes bad.”
“No more.” He agreed.
“I will get you something better. You don’t have to keep that.”
He paused at his bedroom door. “I don’t want something else. You thought of me and got it. There was no way to know the recipes were questionable.”
“But I don’t want the first gift I gave you to have been something bad.”
“It wasn’t bad Yor. Bad would be getting me something I didn’t like.”
“I got you a chore! One that doesn’t even result in anything edible!”
A sparkle entered his eye. Glanced conspiratorially at Anya’s closed door. “Are you sure?”
“… Yes?”
He smiled. Withdrew the book and opened to a page. It was a savory pie recipe. Page heavily annotated in Loid’s neat hand.
“We haven’t had a pie this week?” She noted with confusion.
“The crust is awful. It was never going to work. And it’s too liquid, even with a proper crust it turns into mush before its done baking. But the filling makes a decent quiche, after some modification.”
“The thing from breakfast?!”
It had been good. Loid good.
He nodded. Dropped his gaze back to the book with an affection she thought he reserved for Anya. “Yes. It’s different enough from the original I couldn’t really say it was from this book.” Based on the amount of notes he’d essentially written an entirely new recipe for it. “But it’s not bad Yor and its not a chore. You gave me a puzzle.” Smiled fondly at the book. “It’s been a while since I’ve had a challenge like this one.”
“… Aside from helping Anya with her homework?”
His entire frame slumped. “Yes, well, that’s a different kind of problem.”
“Heh. Well then I’m glad you like it. But I’ll try to get you something less questionable next time.”
“Alright.” He agreed with a laugh to his voice. Something occurred to him. “Yor… Has Camilla made anything out of this cookbook yet?”
“She said she was going to try it this weekend.” Oh! Which meant, “Should we warn her?”
There was a look on his face that she couldn’t parse. Tapped the spine of the cookbook against his cheek. “No. She might find something good. You can warn her against the pickle cheesecake on Monday.”
“If you’re sure?”
His eyes looked dark and sharp for a moment. “Yes. We wouldn’t want to interrupt her weekend.”
“Alright then.”