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Altun was tiptoeing to the door of the room she was sharing with Reina, trying her best to not wake her up in the process. She glanced back over her shoulder, making sure Reina wasn’t awake before quietly slipping out of the room. Altun let out the breath she was holding before making her way down to the heart of Kugane’s night markets. They had come to visit Kugane for a few days in an attempt to get some time alone to spend together. However, ever since they had found Zenos’s tomb empty as well as her relationship with Reina, her nightmares had been slowly worsening. Altun knew she wasn’t helping herself by hiding them from Reina, but she didn’t want to push her away by showing that part of herself. Nor did she care to admit that Reina died in all of them. Every time something in her life tried to choke hold her into despair or try to destroy her, she’d shut herself off from everyone and deal with the pain herself. This was no different. It was her pain and her burden. She wasn’t about to chase away the best part of her life with this pain.
She made a few loops around the markets, glancing at some of the items, but not buying anything. She was simply providing a distraction for her mind until she had calmed herself down enough to head back to the inn. Altun spent most of the night wandering the markets as well as sitting down on the docks. It was early morning by the time she slipped back into the room. To her surprise, Reina was awake and sitting on the edge of their bed, a look of concern on her face. Altun smiled sheepishly as she padded across the room and took Reina’s outstretched hand in her own. She could feel Reina gently rubbing her thumb along the side of her hand. Altun’s eyes met Reina’s. She could tell Reina was searching for the answer to why she had slipped out without waking her to let her know. Reina knew Altun suffered from anxiety, but knew nothing of the nightmares she had been having since Rhalgr’s Reach was attacked by Zenos.
“Are you alright?” Reina finally inquired. Altun put on a smile, one that was half forced. Reina furrowed her brow before pulling Altun close to her, wrapping her arms around her waist and glancing up at her.
“I’m sorry. I just needed some air. Nighttime anxiety.” Altun lied, smiling more and leaning down to place a small kiss to Reina’s head. She could tell Reina wasn’t fully convinced, however she didn’t push for the true answer, instead she simply reached up and brushed some of the stray strands of hair from Altun’s face before pulling her back into bed to return to sleeping. Altun was grateful Reina didn’t push for the answer. She nuzzled herself back into the safety of her arms, praying for her mind to leave her be now for a while.
Altun was up again, slipping out of her shared room with Reina. They had only just arrived on the First a few days earlier. Despite this, her nightmares were already playing hell with her and she spent most nights up trying not to cry. The Crystarium was quiet, which Altun found comforting. She only wished her mind would shut out the nonsense of her nightmares. They had gotten even more severe over the last year and it was slowly getting harder and harder to hid them from Reina. She was almost always awake by the time Altun made her way back to their room. Her normal excuse of simply needing air was no longer usable as her nightmares were waking her up daily at this point. Altun was finding it was getting harder to pick up the pieces of her feelings and keep a straight face while doing so. She couldn’t sleep because she’d wake up in a cold sweat after only a couple hours. Altun desperately wanted to believe she had it under control, that she could handle it all herself. She didn’t want to scare Reina away. She couldn’t scare her away. She reached up and pressed the palms of her hands hard against her eyes for a few moments. Altun was trying hard to will the nightmares away, to make them stop, if that was even possible. With a heavy sigh, she started to make her way back to the inn rooms.
“Altun.” Reina’s voice caused her to freeze as soon as she entered the room, the door still slightly ajar in her hand. Reina was staring at her with deep concern. “You have sneaking out every night for months now. Are you alright?” Altun swallowed hard, frowning slightly. Just keep the pieces of yourself in your arms. You’re okay. You can do it all on your own, it’s under control. Don’t burden her. Please just look the other way.
“Sorry, I needed a snack!” Altun reached down into the outside pouch of her bag, pulling out a small sandwich. “I got one for you too if you’d like it.” She forced a smile, holding the sandwich out to Reina. She could see Reina thinking hard about whether she wanted to push for the truth. Carefully, she reached out and took the food from Altun, smiling sadly as she did. Altun frowned a little. She knew Reina knew she was lying. Reina wasn’t stupid. She knew Altun far too well by now. It was easier for her to read Altun, to see she was barely holding it together most days now.
“Thank you for thinking of me.” Reina replied, motioning for Altun to come over to her. Altun quietly made her way over to Reina. She reached out and grabbed Altun’s hand gently, holding it in her hands, squeezing it lightly as she did. Altun could feel the tears prickling at the corners of her eyes, the guilt rising up in her throat like acid. It burned in her chest as she stared down at her girlfriend, seeing the concern in her eyes as she did. “Promise me you’ll tell me if you are hurting and need help.” Reina said quietly, just loud enough for Altun to hear. Altun leaned her forehead down onto Reina’s head.
“I promise.” came the soft and pained reply. The guilt burned hotter in her chest now. She knew she’d have to be on deaths door or unable to function in order to allow herself to be that weak in front of Reina. She couldn’t chase her away. Please just look the other way, Reina. I’m fine.
Altun had nearly fallen out of bed as she woke up, screaming and thrashing, gasping for air. There was no escaping from Reina this time. There was no pretending she was okay. There was no hiding. She was practically choking on the air, on her own breath, as she squeezed her eyes shut trying to block out the image of Reina’s bloodied body from her mind. Reina had her arms around her, holding her as close as she possibly could, talking to her and trying to calm her. Altun snapped to reality, realizing Reina was holding her in her arms, and she desperately tried to push Reina away. Look the other way. Just look the other way. Please. Please. Please.
“Altun!” Reina tightened her grip, burying her face into the side of Altun’s neck, trying to keep herself from breaking into tears now too. “Altun! Please…” She could feel Altun ease up on her attempts to push her away. Reina moved so that she was looking at Altun now. Altun’s face was wet and covered in tear stains, mild shock written on her face. “It’s okay.” Reina said quietly. Altun was staring at Reina, more tears welling up in her eyes. She sat still for a moment before collapsing back into Reina’s arms, sobbing once more, gripping tightly at Reina’s shirt as she did. Reina, with slight shock held Altun tightly to her, not daring to let go till Altun said she could.
Reina returned to their room after a few moments with two cups of tea. Altun was sat on the edge of the bed, eyes puffy and bloodshot from crying. She glanced over at the door as Reina walked back in. Reina frowned slightly, before making her way over to the bedside table and placing down the cups as she did. Altun’s eyes found the floor in an attempt to do anything aside make eye contact with Reina. She knew this was the end of everything. Reina would never want to deal with and her mess of nightmares. She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes again. Reina caught sight of this, kneeling down in front of Altun, gently placing her hands on her knees. Reina frowned when Altun still refused to meet her gaze.
“Altun. It’s okay.” Reina started.
“If you don’t want to deal with how much of a mess I am -” Altun started only for Reina to sit up further on her knees and take Altun’s face gently in her hands.
“Don’t finish that sentence.” she said firmly. “Please don’t push me away, Altun.” Reina frowned, cradling Altun’s face in her hands, her thumb dusting gently across Altun’s cheeks as she did.
“But -” Altun was crying again, tears streaming down her face. Reina carefully wiped them away as they collided with her hands. “I just wanted you to look away. I didn’t want you to see me this way. To see this.” Reina leaned her forehead against Altun’s.
“I want to see you this way. I can’t help you if I don’t see.” she replied quietly. “You’re human, Altun. You don’t have to hide from me.” Altun let out a choked laugh, reaching up and grabbing Reina’s hands against her face. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to will Reina to look the other way. Anywhere away from her. Her eyes fluttered open after a few moments to see Reina was still there.
“I don’t want to burden you.”
“You don’t. You won’t. You never could.” Reina affirmed, pulling back and staring at Altun in the eyes again. “You could never burden me. Please, let me see you. Let me see what’s hurting you. Please.” Altun glanced away for a moment, before nodding and spilling every nightmare she had been having for the last three years while Reina listened carefully.
Reina pulled the blanket Altun’s mother made her carefully over her. She had fallen asleep not long after they finished talking over everything. Altun told her about every time she had snuck out in the middle of the night, trying desperately to not allow Reina to know the truth of what was happening. Reina wanted to stay up for a while just to make sure Altun didn’t have another nightmare. She was hoping that by talking about her nightmares and the pain they caused her that maybe perhaps she would be able to sleep easier for a few days. She wished Altun hadn’t felt as though telling her these things would push her away. However, she could also understand how Altun was scared of that happening. Reina only wished now to help her mitigate them as much as she was able. She glanced over at the balcony doors, which she had opened before Altun laid back down in bed. The newly returned night sky with all it’s stars were visible to them. She smiled slightly. Reina hoped that she be able to keep Altun company through the pain of her nightmares, and perhaps in time, they could find a way to keep them from occurring altogether. However, that was a task for a different day. With a slight yawn, Reina carefully crawled back into bed next to Altun, wrapping her arms lightly around her waist and resting her head on top of Altun’s.