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Penny thought it was just supposed to be a bit of fooling around. They'd needed a distraction from their shitty situations, and each other happened to be the best one.
That's what Penny tells herself, anyways. She will deny for a while longer at least that she only agreed because she'd already had a crush on him for a while. She didn't visit the ice cream stand with Jas and Vincent multiple times a week because they always deserved a sweet treat, after all. One meeting after dark around a time both of them struggled to handle, with situations too similar to be comfortable, they'd snuck into Alex's room for the night. The lights had stayed off, and Penny was back home before sunrise.
As much as she wanted it to continue, she had expected it to be a one-time thing. Something for her to remember the sensations of, to use the phantom touches that would linger as fuel for fantasies.
But then it happened again. And again.
When Penny had asked Alex, sitting atop his chest right before they were really going to get into it, he'd blinked up at her. His brows furrowed, frown wiping away the teasing smile he'd had a few moments ago.
"Why wouldn't we do this again? I don't do casual sex, Pen." He pulled her further up his chest so he could nuzzle into her leg, looking back up at her with beautiful, wide green eyes that sent her heart thundering in her ears. "I really like you, y'know? I wouldn't be here if I didn't."
Needless to say, Penny was thrilled.
Her mother… not so much.
But, this was the one thing Penny wouldn't let her mother control in her life. She really liked Alex, and he made her feel incredible and like something worth cherishing, and she refused to let him go for as long as he continued to want her. Penny never expected so many arguments to erupt between her and her mother over whether or not Alex was just using her to "get his dick wet" (Penny couldn't tell if she was more mortified or furious, that time) and if he'd leave her at the first instance of someone he thought was better. But she'd endure it all, because she was getting to know Alex and he was getting to know her, and it was a nice change of pace in their little town. Besides, they were always careful.
Apparently that wasn't enough.
It was a Tuesday morning when Penny found out. She couldn't say what tipped her off, just that something felt different when she woke up. There was something nagging at the back of her mind as she started getting ready for the day, and only when she realized it was late summer. Which wouldn't have meant anything, except for the fact that her period was routinely at the beginning of each month. And so far she hasn't had it.
The most embarrassing part had been going to Harvey's to buy the tests, though she supposed it could have been worse. She could have needed to buy them from Pierre, and she just knew if that happened there would be no hearing the end of it as word got around town that she had needed to buy pregnancy tests in the first place. She had to stop him before he left for his aerobics class, but he was more than happy to help her out, wishing her whatever outcome she was hoping from it.
She wasn't sure how to take that as she made her way home, booking it to the bathroom as soon as she was inside.
Sure, Penny wanted kids. She loved them, and she'd always wanted a big family. But she just… wasn't sure if now was a good time for them. And then Alex—she didn't know if Alex wanted kids too, despite the fact that he got along with them easily and the fact that she could see him being a good dad. They'd only been properly dating for the better part of a year, they hadn't discussed that at all. And why would they? Alex still had dreams of leaving Pelican Town to become a pro-athlete, and Penny…
Well, she didn't know what she wanted to do with her life, but she knew kids right now wasn't something she was actively planning.
She had looked down at the tests and felt her heart swoop.
Positive. Positive.
"Fuck," Penny swore under her breath, staring at the twin tests. She gave a startled, breathless laugh, rubbing at her eyes and looking back at the tests to make sure she wasn't hallucinating. The "positive" indicator didn't change when her vision cleared. Her knees felt weak and to avoid just collapsing and giving herself a head injury, Penny lowered herself to the ground and leaned against the cool bathroom wall.
"You're pregnant?" Alex whispers three days later, looking up at her, eyes so wide they look like they could fall out and his mouth agape. Penny swallows, nodding as she fiddles with the hair at the back of his neck. His hands twitch at her sides, but they don't move from her waist. They don't push her away, and a little bit of tension leaves Penny's shoulders.
"Yeah, I'm pregnant," Penny repeats when Alex doesn't say anything else, just continues to stare at her.
She can feel how his pulse jumps as the information really processes, and he looks away from her face to stare instead at her collarbone. His mouth closes and he takes a deep breath but it hitches partway through, further betraying the nervousness she can feel seeping into his muscles.
They're both quiet for a while, almost seven minutes before anything else is said. Penny knows because she was watching the clock on Alex's wall, following the second hand and counting each of its trips around the clock face. The silence gets broken by Alex when he finally takes a steadying breath and swallows thickly, looking up at her as he says: "Okay."
"Okay?" Penny echoes. Alex nods.
"Okay." His hands finally move from her waist, up her sides and neck until he's cupping her cheeks and tilting her face down. "What… what do you want to do?"
And isn't that the question of this century.
Penny ducks her head, but all it does is press her face more into his hands. "I… don't really know. I think— know, I know. I know I want… want to… but after I have no…"
Alex nods again, his thumbs stroking under her eyes soothingly. "You want to keep the baby?"
"Yeah, I think— Yeah, I do." She pauses, her fingers stilling in his hair. "… Do you want me to?"
Alex startles in her arms, his brow creasing. "Sunshine," he begins, leaning up as he tugs her down a bit. "Sunshine, what I want doesn't matter. It's your body."
"But what if I want to know what you want? What if I— What if I want you to be in the baby's life? I don't— if you don't want them then I don't… I can't…" Alex shushes her and pulls her even closer, burying his face in her neck and squeezing her tight. Her breath stutters and her eyes burn and she doesn't even know why she feels so strongly. She hadn't even fully made up her mind until Alex asked what she wanted to do, had still been on the fence. It takes a few seconds for her to realize Alex is talking again.
"..f you really want me to say, I can tell you what I want. But Sunshine, Penny," it's the stress on her name that has Penny locking in on his words, sniffling as she tucks her face into his hair. "I also need you to promise me that no matter what I say, you follow whatever you want. I could never live with myself if you only changed your mind because of what I wanted."
"… I promise."
"No, no Penny," Alex pulls back so he can look up at her again, one hand this time cupping her cheek and wiping away the few stray tears that had escaped her eyes. "You need to be certain when you promise me. Please."
She stares at Alex now, voice catching in her throat, unable to look away from those pretty green eyes, full of… full of an intensity she had never seen from him before. Penny swallows and clears her throat, not blinking when she says: "I promise."
Alex searches her own eyes, she watches as his gaze flits over her face. A thumb calloused from years of playing with leather balls caresses her face. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before looking at her again.
His face is soft, so very soft and hopeful and it makes Penny's heart melt as he looks at her. "I want you to keep them," he says, very quietly. Her heart skips a beat, and Alex smiles. "I'd— I'd love to have a kid with you, Penny."
"R—Really?"
"Really," Alex promises, leaning up to press a kiss to her lips. It's gentle and tender and the seconds tick by as Alex holds her in the sweet kiss, no hurry to end it and no desire to turn it into anything but the comforting thing that it is. He presses another one to the corner of her mouth, then her cheek. When she sobs he kisses away her tears until she curls into his chest, hiccuping and overwhelmed.
"If you want me involved, Sunshine, I'll be here. And— And I know it's… it's going to be a lot. We can figure things out as we go. We can plan. We've got time."
Penny tries to chuckle, but it comes out wet and pathetic. "We have supposedly 8 months," Penny corrects. "It will go by fast."
"It's still time we can use to plan." One of his hands move from her back up to her head, and for the rest of the afternoon he holds her close and strokes her hair and back soothingly.
Penny takes a deep breath, staring at the door to her and her mother's trailer. It shouldn't be so hard to just… open the door to tell her mother the news. In fact, it should be easy.
Alex squeezes her hand, tilting his head down at her. "You can do this, Sunshine."
The deep breath did nothing to help Penny's nerves, and she twists her fingers in Alex's, fiddling with his knuckles as a way to give at least one of her hands something to do. "I— I know I need to. But, Alex— she's going to be furious."
"I know." He kisses her temple, drawing her into a hug with his other arm. With her own free hand she clutches at his jacket, feeling the material stretch in her grasp. "I'll be with you the whole time. Maybe that will sway her to be less angry, even just a little. But even if it doesn't… I'll still be there, and we can leave after and go back to mine or go to the Saloon and have some dinner. It'd be worse if she found out from someone other than us."
Penny thumps her head against his chest, deflating, but the tension doesn't leave her body. She can feel it coiling at the base of her spine, feel the way the anxiety climbs up and up and up and lodges in her chest then her throat. Alex presses another kiss to the top of her head, tracing circles into her back. She knows Alex is right. Much as she'd rather just… let her mother find out without being there herself, would actually prefer her mother to only find out once she's given birth… there's no way Penny could possibly keep her pregnancy a secret that long unless she and Alex moved sometime in the next week.
She takes one last long breath, soaking in Alex's cologne and the warmth his hands leave along her body, choosing to focus on that and letting those sensations ease some of the anxiety down. It doesn't help much, but a little help is better than none.
They don't knock, Penny swings the trailer door open. She keeps Alex's hand locked in hers as she tugs him inside behind her. The door falls closed behind them with a loud thud.
It feels odd, to not immediately run to her room. Feels even stranger to walk step fully into the "living room" that also acts as her mother's room. The smell of alcohol overpowers the whole space and it makes Penny feel more nauseous than usual; so she bites her lip and breathes through her mouth for now. It's still a sensory nightmare, almost tasting the alcohol, but her stomach settles enough that the only thing left bothering it is her growing anxiety.
"Mom?" Penny calls, drawing her mother's attention from the television propped in the center of the room.
"Ah, Penny, sweetheart! And… Alex," the excitement burns off Pam's face when her eyes flicker to Alex. Penny tightens her hold on his hand and stares Pam down at the tone. "I thought you wouldn't be back until dinner—unless I've lost track of time…?"
"No, uh… no, it's not that late in the day," Penny says, taking a few more steps into the room. "I just… there's something I need to tell you."
Pam raises a brow, looking between Penny and Alex skeptically. "And that boy needs to be here?"
Penny can feel a headache at the edge of her skull at the words, just barely stopping herself from closing her lips and just glaring. Instead she feels Alex's thumb stroke the back of her hand, small little lines traced back and forth and she times her breaths with them. "Alex needs to be here, yes," Penny says after another second of silence, voice more even than she feels. "It's… it's important."
Pam frowns, glancing between them again. She doesn't say anything else, just waves at Penny to spit it out.
Penny glances at Alex, but he's already looking at her and he gives her a small smile. Even if she can feel his own nervous heartbeat pressing against hers where their wrists press together. She swallows and pretends that he's giving her some of his confidence through their touch, squaring her shoulders as her gaze returns to her mother. When she speaks, she can barely hear what she says herself, her heart starts beating louder and louder in her ears with each syllable.
"Mom, I'm… I'm pregnant."
Silence greets her words.
Well, the TV is still droning on, but no one present utters a word. Penny's not sure any of them are actually even breathing.
Pam's jaw has dropped, her eyes wide as she stares at them, and Penny stifles the urge to fidget. Pushes back the temptation to squirm out of sight. No matter what she wants to do, though, she doesn't take her eyes off her mother, watching every little micro-movement as though it will give Penny an inkling of what to expect from the reveal.
Penny sees a vein in her mother's neck tick, and that's the only indicator she's given that she needs to brace herself, just a second before the bottle in Pam's hand shatters. She jerks back and Alex pulls her further away, but Pam seems to barely notice, pushing herself to her feet. The shock has dissipated, and she whirls on Alex first, a thunderous expression on her face.
"You got my little girl pregnant?!" But that's all she questions of him before she's turning her ire onto Penny, frustration and anger and disappointment all simmering on her face and Penny has to force the urge to cower away far to the back of her mind. "You were stupid enough to get knocked up?! You know better than that, Penny! I warned you this would happen, but all you could think about was just having a bit of fun."
"Mom—"
"No! You're clearly not as smart as I thought you were, you don't get a say here. And you!" She turns again to Alex. She waves her hand, still sticking with shards of glass, in a crude gesture toward the door. "Get out of my damn house and don't touch my girl again! Go on, get!" When Pam strides closer Alex backpedals, dragging Penny with him though Penny would have done the same. She moves herself in front of Alex and holds up a hand.
"Mom, just listen to m—"
"Come here, you," Pam steamrolls, grabbing Penny's outstretched hand and trying to pull her away from Alex. Penny jerks back but her mother holds strong, tugging again and Penny looks over her shoulder at Alex, meeting his wide-eyed stare. Pam yanks her again and it hurts and Penny barely bites back the whimper, twisting her hand to try and break her mother's hold on her wrist. "We can discuss what to do after the trash has been taken out, find a clinic that can help."
Penny's heart drops at the prospect, and she lurches forward. Her mother's grip falters and she shoves herself back, colliding with Alex's chest, who wraps an arm around her and pulls her behind him slightly. Not enough to completely hide her, but enough so that he's a wall of sorts between them. Penny would feel better if she couldn't feel the slight shaking in his hands. "We should go," Alex mumbles as he takes a step back with her.
She doesn't hear him, gripping onto his arm, words finally strangling themselves out of her throat. "I don't want to get rid of it!"
Pam catches herself on their counter, bloodied hand slipping against the surface briefly before she stumbles upright. "Don't be stupid Pen, don't throw your life away for a brat that doesn't even exist yet like I did."
Penny's ears ring and she can't see Alex's face, not when she's staring at her mother in horror. It's— she knew how her mother felt, she's known she regrets having Penny, but Penny's not sure if she's ever heard her mother actually say it before. The world blurs and even the fury on Pam's face becomes distorted in Penny's vision, but she doesn't let the tears fall yet even if they burn. But she feels Alex's posture change, feels how his muscles tighten and she grips his arm tighter, stopping him from taking a step closer to Pam.
She can barely hear anything, but she hears Alex's next words clearly, just slightly over her own heart pounding in her ears. "How could you say that?" He hisses the words, and he curls his arm so he can grasp Penny's side, the touch firm but gentle in a stark contrast to how coiled he is everywhere else. "You have a daughter who has stuck by you even through all your issues and you still say that?! How could you? How could you even still think that way?!"
"Keep out of our family's business, boy—"
"Not a chance, she's a part of my family now and—"
"—she's not a part of your family just cause she has your spawn inside her—"
"—and we don't tolerate that kind of bullshit in our family anymore," Alex talks over Pam, and he's shaking again, his arm quivering in Penny's grasp and it takes Penny a moment to realize it's not from fear but unbridled anger. "Sunshine, let's go—"
"She's not going anywhere with—"
"Did not ask you!" Alex snaps back, turning and glaring over his shoulder as he ushers Penny toward the door.
"Boy—!"
Alex slams the door behind them, and Penny feels her knees tremble as they go down the slight steps. Alex scoops her up and strides away from the trailer, pulling Penny's face close so she can bury it into his neck. The first real sob breaks then, and she chokes it back as best she can. Her eyes hurt and it feels like someone is taking a hammer to her skull, her heartbeat jumping around and echoing into her brain. Alex is breathing heavily, and Penny can feel just a little through the throbbing of her head the way his heart is racing, his pulse still climbing faster as he carries her away in silence.
Penny doesn't look for where they go—isn't even sure how long they're walking, when Alex finally comes to a stop. He doesn't let her go, he just maneuvers her a little higher and she feels them lower to the ground. He uses one hand to pull her closer, curling her around his torso while the other cradles her back, fingers spreading so he can engulf most of her spine and dig in slightly to ground her. He rubs her leg over her dress and buries his face in her hair. She thinks they're sitting in silence for a while, as silent as one can get when she's struggling to breathe, gulping in air as she stifles the wet cries.
They're not, she realizes, when minutes continue to tick by and he just holds her. Alex's chest rises and falls more smoothly, his heart still beating quick under her fingers but not nearly as erratically as it had before. "… wanted, Pen. I'm so sorry she said those things, that she grabbed you. I should have gotten between you sooner," as he says this she feels his fingers graze her wrist. She feels it throb in response, but she pushes down the instinct to tuck it away. Lets him take a gentle hold of it and caress it in an apology that is not his to give. "Should have made sure she couldn't touch you. You deserve far better, Penny. So much better, and I'm sor—"
"Stop apologizing," Penny mumbles, sniffling harshly and shifting so she's wrapped around Alex properly, squeezing his shoulders.
Alex is quiet for all of ten seconds before he's tightening his arms around her, both hands now splaying across her back. She melts into him, not necessarily because she's relaxed but because her body just wants to collapse. "I didn't protect you, Sunshine. I need to apologize for that," he murmurs, following it up with a brush of his lips against her temple. "I'm supposed to keep you safe."
"You don't have to do anything, Alex— we've only been dating for seven months, and—and it's my choice to… to throw away my future," she huffs out bitterly, and Alex makes a noise of protest.
"You're not throwing away shit, don't listen to her, Penny." He eases her face out of his neck, pulling back and cupping her cheeks. He props his knees up, something for her to lean against as he strokes her raw cheeks. "Sure, we're… we're young, and neither of us planned this… But you still have a future. It's… what'd you tell Jas, that one time, when Shane had been in a rough spot and she was worried she was going to be all alone?"
Penny sniffles again and rubs her own eyes. "What?"
"What did you tell Jas? About her future?"
"Where're you going with this, Alex…?"
"Just trust me. C'mon, do you remember?"
"Not really…"
Alex presses a kiss to her forehead, giving her face a very gentle squeeze. "You told her the future is whatever she makes it." He presses another kiss to her temple. "Unexpected things happen. Right?" Penny hums, closing her eyes. Her heart's not beating as quickly, and the sound of waves gently lapping registers. "So we adjust. What did you see your future as before, Sunshine?"
Penny burrows into his chest again, her arms falling to curl around his back. "I…" she says, just to let Alex know that she's not ignoring his question, let him know she is thinking it through. She sniffles again and takes a deep breath.
What did she see?
Well, kids. At some point, after leaving Pelican Town. After getting herself settled into teaching—because she does love educating Jas and Vincent, and she's daydreamed about being there in a proper class with dozens of little kids seeking information from her. She'd settle down and still teach but also raise her own little ones, with a sweet partner.
To get there meant a lot of work, though. And saving up, because kids were expensive and so was pregnancy, and she refuses to let her children live in a trailer like she did. She wants a nice place for them, wants a place where they can feel safe and comfortable and feel like they can be themselves, have their own space and a shared one with her. She didn't know how she'd get to that point yet.
She voices it all to Alex, uncertainty still tinging her words, and he holds her closer and nuzzles her cheek when she stumbles over some of the words in attempts to justify her thoughts, letting her talk but silently reassuring her, in his own gentle way, that she doesn't need to make up reasons for why she wants something. When her voice fizzles out because there's not much to her future left that she ever envisioned, Alex brushes her hair from her face and presses his lips firmly to her temple.
"Where in any of that do you see a child now ruining those plans?" he asks. Penny's brow creases.
"I'm— to take care of them, I don't—I don't have enough… I can't…"
"You're not alone, Pen," Alex reminds her gently. And that— that makes her pause. She opens her eyes and stares at Alex's chest, bewilderment and… and relief as her brain processes the quiet promise. Alex continues while running his fingers through her hair, untangling it slowly. "Maybe you don't have enough yet to care for them on your own… but I'll be there too. And— and so your mom's a—" he cuts himself off and Penny bites back a small smile as he shakes his head. "—so she doesn't want to be involved. My grandparents are going to be thrilled, and overly coddling. And we both have friends. Haley might look like she doesn't like babies but you've never seen her hold one, the girl melts into a puddle. And Maru has her robots, you know she's good with kids. Or if we move out of here, if we find a bigger town or go into the city… we'll find others to help us. There's— there's parent classes we can go make friends in, or groups online. And…"
"You've thought a lot about this," Penny mumbles, relaxing into his embrace at last. Alex's breath hitches before he laughs, quiet and a tad nervous.
"Of course I have. I don't… I want a better life for our kid than the one I got, too." Penny frowns as his voice takes on a somber tone, and he's quiet for half a minute before he's curling around her more, hiding his face in her curls. His hands trace idly up and down her back as he figures out what he wants to say, and Penny doesn't interrupt him.
"My mom… I'm pretty sure she only kept me because my dad wanted her to. At the start, anyway. I… my grandpa has a journal, and I looked through it when I was younger and snooping, and found entries from around then. There's some stuff about how she was handling the pregnancy and relationship, he wrote that she was unsure and even kind of against it, but that she was doing it for my dad, who was promising to clean up his act and… and I don't know. Grandpa thought mom was foolish, too. When I was born, though… the entries changed. She seemed happier, with me. Happy I was born, happy I was in her life… Dad, on the other hand… got worse. He drank more and got violent the older I got…
"Mom didn't have many people besides Grandma and Grandpa. She relied a lot on my dad, and then when she got sick… she had nowhere else to go but here because he left."
Alex doesn't say any more, and Penny curls her fingers into his shirt collar, rubbing the cotton slowly. "… what do you mean by all that, Alex?"
"I mean… we won't be like that. I won't be like that, with you." A brush of lips to her jaw, featherlight and ticklish. "We can make sure we have a support, even if we have to build it up. We can make sure our kid has a support, if we can't do everything ourselves. We can do better than our parents."
"You really think that?"
"Of course." Then he laughs humorlessly. "We have the perfect guide on what not to do, after all."
Despite herself she laughs too. And a bit of the nervousness, a bit of the worry that maybe her mother was right eases.
They could do this. They could figure things out.
They could do better.