Chapter Text
Years ago, just before her parents finally divorced, Nancy went to visit her father one last time. She had never been close to him; good old Ted Wheeler was as distant a father as one could find. When her mother served him the divorce papers, though, he finally remembered about his children and suddenly wanted to talk. Long after Nancy, her brother, and her sister had all left the nest for college. Long after there were no kids in the house left to take care of.
And maybe it had been the desperation, maybe the pent-up anger. But they never had a productive conversation. Her father had been prepared for a fight, and it made him even angrier when he didn’t get the response he had wanted from Nancy. She had remained calm and collected, finally seeing him for the man he had always been. Immature, emotionally distant, desperate, and lonely. And she had no pity left for him, not when he had left her mother to raise them on her own, all while still present in the house.
In his lowest moment, he had called Nancy evil. Selfish and egotistical. Said she cared about nobody but herself. Nancy’s only response had been a chuckle. Then she had turned and left. Never truly believing his words. It felt weirdly ironic for him to project his insecurities onto her. Did he truly struggled so much to look himself at the mirror and see how small of a man he was? Couldn't he see, that in a household with two parents, her mother had been the only one to raise them? That halfway Nancy had been forced to become the other parent, helping raise her younger siblings alongside, because he couldn't be bothered to be at least a bit emotionally available for them. That maybe there was a reason why none of kids wanted to talk to him?
But that felt like a lifetime ago. So much stuff had ended up happening since then that Nancy truly felt like she was living a completely different life. First, she never expected to move to Europe. Never expected to somehow end up working as an administrator of the European Space Agency. Never expected to actually enjoy it, even when Mike constantly joked about how her inner nerd was always going to show at some point.
Then the Henderson line, and somehow she ended up as head of the Henderson Taskforce. Because they found that the funny red line in space was actually dimming their Sun. This led to the need to send a probe into space. This led Nancy to meet Robin once again, years after the last time they even spoke before leaving Hawkins forever. Robin Buckley, the same old Robin Buckley, but with a failed scientific career, now a science teacher in a middle school.
Then the astrophage became a reality. Robin actually named it that way. It was such an extraordinary finding, one that, in different circumstances, could have changed humanity. An alien microbe that consumed energy and converted it to mass. Storing massive amounts of energy that could be later harnessed. Truly civilisation-changing. If said civilization wasn’t facing extinction because said astrophage was feeding on their Sun.
So Nancy ended up in an even greater position. Granted complete immunity and unlimited authority from the United Nations, Nancy Wheeler took charge of Project Hail Mary. Humanity’s only hope for survival.
Because the astrophage was all over their galaxy, infecting star after star, but one. Tau Ceti in the Cetus constellation. Just around 3.7 parsecs from Earth, so roughly 12 light-years. With their old technology, it was still going to take way too long to get there. Nancy had stopped listening after the words thousand or so years.
But now they had astrophage. And the genius of disgraced molecular biologist Robin Buckley, who needed a single day, some plywood, and candy to find a way to breed it.
And so it was decided- they were going to build a ship, powered by astrophage. The crew was going to get to Tau Ceti in just around 11 years (4 for them due to time dilation), study it, then return with the findings. It became much darker when Robin and Dustin (yes, same Dustin Henderson who found the infrared line the astrophage loved to travel with) did the calculations. With limited time, there was only so much astrophage they could breed. Approximately 2 million kg. This was a one-way journey. The astronauts weren’t coming back home after this, only their findings on small probes.
Nancy kept her cool even then. Especially because there was a surprising number of volunteers outside her office, willing to go and die. And she only needed 3. A pilot, a scientist, and an engineer. They were going to be in a medically induced coma until they reached Tau Ceti, then send their findings through probes and end their lives on board the ship.
It was called Hail Mary for a reason.
“Is it hard?” Robin asked her one evening, when she came to bother Nancy, as she did almost every evening. “To order them to go and die?”
“Yes,” Nancy answered earnestly, to which Robin responded with unusual silence. “It is. But it has to be done. And they are the best humanity can offer. There isn’t any other choice.”
“I don’t think I would be able to go,” Robin ended up saying. “Knowing that this is a one-way trip. That I will die there.”
“That’s why you are staying here with me,” Nancy smiled. “We will still have plenty of work to do while waiting around.”
“Good to know you aren’t planning on getting rid of me that easily, Wheeler,” Robin chuckled. “Because Dustin and I still have plenty of crazy ideas, and I don’t think I can pull them in a classroom.”
“I know you do,” Nancy remembered smiling. “That’s why I got you on board.”
“I just love my security clearance,” Robin smiled back. “We got this.”
“You think?”
“Humanity is surprisingly good at surviving against all odds,” Nancy remembered Robin winking at that part. “We have done it before, we will do it again.”
It had been Robin, as Robin as she could be. The same Robin Nancy left and never attempted to contact again after Hawkins. Reunited under nearly impossible circumstances. Nancy wasn’t even sure why they didn’t speak again until now. Neither of them reached out. Maybe thought that they had moved past this friendship? Maybe just took very different paths, never realising they had been heading the same direction?
But Nancy really liked having Robin around. Despite her awkward nature, she still brought the mood around. Glued to Steve, who was just as confused every time a science question was thrown at him. Staying late with Dustin to refine their astrophage farm. Keeping the crew motivated, despite knowing how this would all end. Coming up with the weirdest workarounds in order to help Nancy secure funding for other projects. Openly exchanging media contraband on the aircraft carrier. Always finding the weirdest and dumbest way to motivate everybody on board.
Nancy wasn’t sure when she fell in love. Maybe she had always been, and this had been the missing piece in her life. Nancy loved Robin. She loved her character, her awkwardness, her humor, her fascinating mind. She loved the way she chewed through so many pens while working on the Hail Mary. Loved the way her brain never seemed to stop thinking, even when it meant waking her up in the middle of the night with a new idea. The scientific creativity, as maddening as it was, but it kept extending humanity’s streak of chance. Like nuking Antarctica to force the greenhouse effect and increase the temperature. Building astrophage farms in the desert. Breeding new types of crops that could survive underground, using astrophage-powered lights. Because, no matter if Hail Mary was successful, humanity was still likely going to need to move underground until Earth became warm enough again.
When they finally decided on a launch date, a weight got off Nancy’s shoulders. Everything was going surprisingly up to plan. The ship was nearly ready. The crew was chosen, with all of them possessing a rare coma resistance gene that, according to their lead geneticist, Eddie Munson, gave them a much higher chance of surviving the trip. They were nearly ready with the fuel needed; some of it was already in the tanks in lower Earth orbit.
Nancy celebrated that night. Joined the upper management team for dinner. Sang with them at the karaoke night. Finally got to kiss Robin when they went to relax in her office. Fell asleep holding onto Robin, smiling at her sleepy mumbles about, well, whatever Robin’s mind was preparing next. It was perfect.
Until it wasn’t.
Less than a week before launch, the long-awaited disaster finally happened. They were finally off the aircraft carrier, near the launch site. In a week, the crew was going to lift off, board the Hail Mary, then go for the deep sleep. It was during their last astrophage simulations when Martin DuBois, the leading scientist for the project, and his backup, Annie Shapiro, were killed by an explosion. They had made a critical mistake with the amount of astrophage during testing - it was supposed to be just a nanogram, but the quartermaster had issued an entire milligram. It had led to a moment of criticality, followed by an explosion that had somehow miraculously not reached the launch pad.
Despite this, the project couldn’t suffer any more delays. The Hail Mary’s orbit was decaying, and the launch windows were tight. A delay meant more people dying. It meant slower results. So they had to launch. But not without a scientist.
So Nancy issued an emergency meeting. An unnecessary one, because she already knew who the perfect candidate was. Dustin Henderson had initially volunteered before the original crew was even chosen. He carried the gene needed. But it wasn’t active. Which meant he had less than 5% chance of waking up from his coma. Which left only one person, who both understood astrophage and carried the gene.
Nancy hated it. She hated it with every fiber of her being. She hated it during every step she took towards the meeting room. She hated it even more when she couldn’t even dare herself to look Robin in the eyes when she passed her on her way to the head of the table.
“If we miss the orbital window, it would set us back by months,” Hopper argued first, his voice laced with disappointment. He knew, Nancy had told him. Actually, almost everybody in the room already knew, just not Steve and Robin. Maybe it wasn’t right to tell her like that, cornered like an animal. But Nancy needed Robin to understand the gravity of the situation.
“Yeah, but if nobody is trained to do the mission, it won’t matter,” Robin said, desperation in her voice. “And sending Dustin is a double-edged sword, because he is unlikely to survive the journey at all.”
“Casualty projections show exponential growth if we delay,” Nancy explained. “We can’t afford that. We launch on schedule with a replacement science officer.”
“Okay, but who? We can’t send Dustin,” Robin rubbed her eyes.
A moment of silence. Then Dustin finally cleared his throat.
“They are not sending me,” he said simply, so slowly and so desperately, like it was physically painful. But Nancy knew Dustin. He had practically grown in front of her from a simple university student who discovered the Henderson line by mistake to a fully baked scientist.
He wasn’t saddened by the fact that he wasn’t going. Not by the fact that he wasn’t going to be the hero he secretly wanted to be. This was above him.
“Who then?” Robin looked around. “I mean, it will take me a while to teach the engine's navigation to a new scientist. It took a series of simulations for DeBois and Shapiro, and they still got it wrong. It’s not something that can be learned in a week. Sorry, less than a week.”
“We know,” Eddie finally said, forcing everybody to take a seat as he opened his folder. “But we have the perfect candidate. Somebody who has an active coma gene and knows astrophage better than anybody we could train.”
The moment he slid the paper towards Robin, Nancy had to force herself not to look away. Because she suddenly had a very clear understanding of what exactly she was about to ask Robin to do. Robin, out of all people. Robin, who had finally found some meaning. Who had finally found her people, whose disgraced past was long behind her.
And now Nancy was about to ask her to throw everything away. To board a spaceship, go on a suicide mission. In the name of humanity’s survival. To be the hero Robin never wanted to be in the first place. To leave it all behind for the slim chance they can save mankind’s future.
“I am not an astronaut,” Robin simply answered, somehow so much paler than she usually was.
“Wait, what?” Steve looked around in confusion, suddenly pulling the paper Eddie had slid across the table.
“I don’t need an astronaut,” Nancy had to force the coldest tone she could muster. “I need an expert in astrophage who is mission-ready.”
“I am not ready,” Robin shook her head, then, surprisingly to everybody, laughed. “Guys, what the heck is going on? April Fool’s is in a couple of months. What is this? Some weird prank for the Internet? It’s not funny.”
“It’s not a prank,” Hopper joined in, finally daring to look at Robin. “We need you to go.”
“What do you mean you need me to go?” Robin cackled nervously. “I can’t go. I am not prepared, physically. I mean, you all know me? I gave myself a concussion because I stumbled on my own two legs.”
“Don't worry about it, we will be in Zero G for most of the time,” Ilyukhina, the engineer for the mission, said from across the table.
Nancy watched as Robin muttered something along the lines of what the fuck, before frantically looking around the table, her eyes landing on Nancy herself.
“I can’t go,” she said somewhat stoically, but Nancy heard the tremble in her voice. “I can’t. I have no training.”
“You know astrophage better than anybody,” Nancy shook her head, biting the inside of her cheek to keep herself from showing any emotion. “You named it that way. There is nobody better.”
A part of Nancy wanted to argue with herself. There had to be somebody. Some other person, another way. Somebody who wasn’t her Robin. Who carried the gene needed to survive the mission and was willing to go. Who followed all the papers they published on the astrophage and was going to pick it up easily.
But the truth was, there wasn’t such a person. Not without bringing major risks. And humanity’s future rested on this mission; the survival itself of an entire civilisation.
Robin was the one. Maybe always had been. Maybe it had only been nothing more than bad luck that Nancy randomly remembered her one day, found her papers on non-water-based life, and then pulled her into this project.
“I am not an astronaut!” Robin said, raising her voice a bit. “I am a molecular biologist who wrote a shitty paper and accidentally called a renowned colleague a staggering waste of carbon. I have no training. I get you are desperate, but I am not your person. Like, I get sick on the elevator. How the heck do you expect me to go?”
“Oh, perfect,” Commander Yao said. “There is no elevator on the ship.”
Nancy had to intervene. Robin was starting to spiral; it was more than clear. Yao and Ilyukhina really weren’t helping; this was certainly not the way to convince Robin. Although Nancy wasn’t even sure if there was a way to convince her, if she had to be honest.
“I can’t do this,” Robin said. “I just can’t, I am sorry.”
“Listen, we will do most of the work,” Ilyukhina said casually. “You will just need to do what you already do in the lab. Play around with astrophage in the spinny disk thing.”
“You’re smart,” Nancy forced the neutrality in her voice. “You will figure it out.”
Robin stared at her in disbelief, her hand slowly resting on the table. Mouth slightly agape, as she slowly realized that it was Nancy who likely suggested her. Who approved of this idea, who gathered them in a meeting, knowing very well what was coming. Nancy, who cornered Robin in this room, knowing full well what she was about to ask her to do. What she was asking her to sacrifice.
“This-“ Robin gulped heavily, looking at Ilyukhina and Yao. “This might be hard for you to understand. But some people are failures. Some people don’t rise to the challenge. I am not like you.”
“You’ve been present for every major scientific or strategic meeting we’ve had,” Nancy tried to argue calmly. “You are better prepared than anybody we can find.”
“You are missing a very important detail,” Robin once again chuckled nervously, glancing briefly at Steve next to her, then back at Nancy. “The suicide part?”
“Robin, you will be in a very cool company,” Ilyukhina tried to cheer her up, and Nancy really disliked her at that moment. Even considered kicking her out of the meeting for a millisecond. “Have you been high before? We have heroin. Will splurge on it in the end.”
“I don’t want to die of an overdose!” Robin immediately shook her head. “I want to die in some 30 years with-“
“The rest of us,” Nancy finished the thought. “We are all dying, Robin. This is the only chance we have. And it’s a long shot by every measurement, but we don’t have any other way. There would be extreme climate change. Famine. Riots. The fall of civilisations.”
“Yes, I know that,” Robin rasped, her breathing picking up. “I know, I swear I do. I understand it. But I can’t-“
“The only immediate family you have is your mother and you haven't spoken to her in years.” Nancy added. “You don’t even have a cat.”
It was a low blow, the worst possible and Nancy knew that. Because, while not blood family in any way, Robin had her people. She had her students, her kids. She had her friends. That had to account for something.
“I have you!” Robin yelled, suddenly getting from her seat and looking all around the room. “I have all of you. It’s more than I’ve ever had before! You guys are my family! And you are asking me to just give it all up? To go die?”
“Yes,” Nancy said, a lump in her throat. “Yes, I am. We all are.”
Silence followed. Most of the people in the room didn’t even have them in there to look at Robin. Even Steve, who had taken a sudden interest in the table’s surface, not knowing what he could possibly say in this situation. Argue on Robin’s behalf? Agree with Nancy? Volunteer himself despite the fact he had no knowledge of astrophage or even the gene to survive the trip.
Only Nancy kept eye contact. She couldn’t do that, couldn’t look away when she knew that Robin was about to fall apart in front of her.
Robin’s eyes were soft on a normal day. A very bright shade of blue, one that changed depending on the lights and her clothes. But it always remained soft, almost fuzzy in a way. Nancy didn’t know they could go even softer. But at this moment, they did, as Robin stared at her, akin to a kicked puppy.
Nancy wanted there to have been another way. Another person. Another launch window. Another plan. She wanted what little borrowed time they had to be spent together. She didn’t want to let Robin go. Didn’t want to ask her to do this.
“Nancy, I can’t,” Robin finally whispered, shaking her head. Looking like she was about to cry.
She never called her Nancy in front of the others. It was always Director Wheeler. But everybody knew they were close. They even had not-so-secret bets on whether something was going on between the two.
Robin was desperate. She was pleading with her. Forgotten all professionalism, because she was scared, and she had every right to be. Nancy truly hated herself for putting herself in this situation. Deep down knew she would hate herself even more eventually.
“There isn’t anybody better prepared,” Nancy said with as much calmness as she could muster. “I need you to understand this.”
“Nance,” Robin choked out, frantically wiping her eyes. “I can’t- I- No-I can’t do it, please. I can’t-“
“You must, Robin,” Nancy said with finality.
Please, don’t make this any harder.
“I- I need to think about this. Can I think about this?” Robin asked, sounding so sincere. So sheepishly honest. Yes, she could think about it.
Please, please consider it.
“You have 3 hours,” Nancy said, desperately fighting the urge to get up and hug her. Hold her tight. Tell her that she would be safe. That it would not hurt, it would just be like going to sleep.
It wasn’t going to mean anything. Not when Robin was scared. Not when Nancy couldn’t imagine what was going through her mind. Not when she knew what was about to follow. Because Nancy was asking Robin to drop everything and go on a one-way mission. Asking her to die in space.
But one way or another, Robin Buckley was boarding this ship. And it was Nancy’s signature that would cement this, whether she liked it or not.
Robin forced a nod, then suddenly spun around and hurried out of the room. Nancy could only watch as Steve looked around, as if asking for permission, before suddenly bolting out. He was going to keep her safe. Make sure she didn’t do anything stupid in the next 3 hours. But as the doors closed behind him, Hooper leaned slightly forward.
“Harrington will be a problem,” he said coldly.
“He wouldn’t,” Nancy tried to argue.
“He and Buckley are too close,” Hopper added. “Mark my words, Wheeler - he will be a problem.”
“I understand,” Nancy shook her head, glancing at Eddie and Dustin from across the table. “Steve can’t be present later today. I hope you can make sure of that.”
“He has the right to say goodbye,” Dustin said innocently. “They are best friends. We must give Robin at least that.”
“If Robin agrees on her own, he will,” Nancy forced herself to swallow, trying to keep her tone flat. “But if she doesn’t, then…”
“He becomes a variable,” Hopper finished the thought. “He can jeopardize the integrity of this mission. And we can’t afford any risks.”
“That’s just cruel,” Dustin shook his head.
“You don’t have to take part if you don’t want to. You and Robin are close,” Nancy said softly. “But I expect you, out of all people, to understand the risks of delaying any further.”
“You know I would have taken her place in a heartbeat,” Dustin muttered.
“I know you would, but that isn’t an option. So let’s stay tethered to reality,” Nancy said, looking around the room. “Eddie and Dustin, make sure that Steve does not interfere. Joyce, you have Robin’s medical files, so I expect it to be swift. Hopper, prepare security in case she tries to run.”
“You're not planning to chase her down, are you?” Eddie lowered his head. “Because that’s just… very fucked up.”
“How else do we expect to do this, exactly?” Nancy cocked her head.
“I don’t know, but shoving a kicking and screaming Robin to the Hail Mary is, well, not right,” Eddie argued, although judging from his face, Nancy knew he understood the delicate position they were in.
“She will already be unconscious before we even get them to the ship,” Joyce, their senior medical advisor, explained. “Her records would state that she was put in a coma earlier than the rest of the crew for her safety.”
“It’s not ideal,” Nancy closed her eyes for a second, taking a deep breath. “We are all close in this room, you know what I think of Robin-“
“Oh, Director Wheeler-“ Ilyukhina said with a frown.
“But it has to be done,” Nancy said finally. “We all know the stakes. We all know what we sign up to do. This mission can not suffer delays. Humanity’s future rests on it. And if we want to be even remotely successful, we need to launch on schedule. And in order to launch on schedule, Robin needs to be on board. Whether she likes it or not. Don’t linger around her lab or room for too long; leave her be. Don’t try to talk her into doing it. Do not try to change her mind; let her think it through. Do not tell anybody who isn’t cleared for this meeting. If any of this gets out, I will make sure you no longer have a career, even as toilet cleaners. Is this all understood?”
“Yes, Director,” they all said in unison.
“Good,” Nancy nodded. “You are dismissed.”
Everybody but Ilyukhina got up. Nancy watched with the corner of her eye as they all dragged their feet towards the door, with Eddie whispering something to Dustin, while Joyce explained she was going to go prepare the medical bag. Commander Yao gave one look towards Ilyukhina, offering her a simple nod, before following the others outside.
“Do not tell me you suddenly have doubts,” Nancy mumbled at the other woman.
“Who? Me?” Ilyukhina chuckled, her Russian accent sounding even thicker. “Absolutely not, I am going.”
“Good,” Nancy checked her watch. She had two hours and fifty minutes before she had to call Robin to her office. Wasn’t even sure what she was supposed to do in the meantime.
“You and Doctor Buckley are very close,” Ilyukhina suddenly said, leaning forward.
“We were friends as kids,” Nancy offered as an explanation, hoping that the astronaut would let it go.
“Very close friends,” Illykhina smiled deviously, before her face loosened and she leaned even closer to Nancy. “Do you want me to tell her anything when we wake up? Any messages to pass along?”
“No need,” Nancy shook her head. “You will likely both wake up with some form of amnesia. It will take you a while to remember how you got there.”
“Yes,” Illykhina nodded. “And when she remembers, she will know that the woman she loves forced her on a spaceship against her will to go die in space. Yao and I will need to be the ones to calm her down after this. Make it easier for her to accept.”
“Not if she agrees,” Nancy tried to argue back, but Illykohina just shook her head.
“She will not agree,” she said simply, then huffed. “Doctor Buckley is a genius molecular biologist. A great and creative scientist in every way. But she is also a coward with low self-esteem. Struggles with basic social constructs, is too anxious to even get on the phone and order a pizza for herself unless it’s through an app. She will not agree to drop everything and leave.”
“I am aware.”
“And she is coming with us, one way or another,” Illykhina gave her an honest, sad smile. “Yao and I, the moment we realized who was next in line, started thinking. What do we do with her when we reach Tau Ceti? How do we keep her from falling apart? Yao can fly us, and I can keep the ship from exploding, but what does Buckley do? She will be the heart of this mission. And will also be falling apart because she never wanted to go there to begin with. And when it’s time to end it all? Would she be ready to let go? Would she be willing to put an end to her life the easy way, or would she watch us die, deciding to keep going until she dies of hunger?”
Nancy had to close her eyes at the last part. So far, she had tried not to think about it. She knew that sending Robin in the Hail Mary meant that it would end with her death. That she will never see her again. But she also didn’t want to imagine it. Robin, on the Hail Mary. Trying to get over her fears. A single push of the lethal injection, easy and no suffering. Some chemically induced bliss right before she goes, courtesy of the heroin Nancy managed to secure upon the crew’s request.
“I know-“ Nancy tried to say, but for the first time in a very long time, her voice wavered, and she felt her eyes starting to sting, hurrying to wipe them. “I know she will hate every part of it. I know she will hate me. I’ve accepted that part.”
“I don’t think she will,” Illykhina whispered. “She looks at you with pure love she can’t hide. She listens to everything you have to say with more attention than anybody else on this team. And you, cold-hearted and pragmatic Director Wheeler, only seem to smile for real when Doctor Buckley is around to say something incredibly stupid and inconsiderate. It’s almost nauseating to watch it all if I have to be honest.”
Nancy can’t help but chuckle at that part. And here she was, thinking she was able to properly keep a straight face when Robin was around.
Illykhina briefly glanced at the table, then slowly lifted her hand, placing it over Nancy’s.
“She will be angry,” she started with a low tone. “She will be devastated. She will be depressed. But I don’t think she will find it in her to hate you. She might say she does, but I don’t believe it will be real. Left with no choice, she will get to work. She is just too curious not to do so. And when the time comes, I will wait with her until she is ready to go.”
“Yeah?” Nancy barely managed to croak out.
“Yes,” Illykhina nodded. “I promise you, Director. She will not be alone. I will make sure of that.”
T-minus 23 minutes, 47 seconds.
Robin was in her assigned room. Steve had spent the last 2 hours with her until he was paged by Dustin to help him with something. Nancy could imagine him promising to come back immediately, and it ate her alive how, in reality, this was likely the very last time the two of them would have seen each other. All she needed now was the all-clear from Eddie that Steve was sedated and moved to the medical wing, so they could proceed.
She had to fight the urge not to knock on the door and go be by Robin’s side. She wanted it, of course. It was deeply selfish, given that she had made the decision for Robin and knew that they barely had any time left. It was like sending a lamb to the slaughter. Robin’s plans for the weekend. The movie she wanted to go watch at the cinema after launch. The books she had ordered. The Lego sets. The abandoned laundry in the washing machine. None of it mattered. Because Robin was going on the Hail Mary, whether she wanted it or not.
Nancy only needed her to understand. To just understand it, to accept it. There truly wasn’t another way; there just wasn’t. Mankind’s survival was above one person. Above one life and one death. And it was easy for Nancy to say it; she wasn’t the one going. If she had Robin’s knowledge, if she had her brain and way of thinking, she would have taken her place without a doubt. But she just didn’t, and Dustin was unlikely to wake up, and Robin was right there, with the knowledge, scientific curiosity, and gene needed to survive the trip.
Five minutes before the deadline, Nancy could no longer stand in her office, so she headed for the sleeping quarters. They were surprisingly empty, something Hopper had made sure of. They didn’t need any unauthorized personnel to witness this. Robin’s room was at the far edge of the corridor, far away from the entrance. Tugged in the corner, similar to the way Robin slept, tugged in the far corner next to the wall. Isolating, in Nancy’s eyes. Comforting in Robin’s.
She knocked once. No answer. A second one, and not even a single move inside. For a moment, Nancy wondered if Robin hadn’t escaped from her window. She knew she had last been seen going inside, and there were security outside to make sure she couldn’t run away. Besides, where was Robin going to go? She didn’t have a license, and the compound was in the middle of nowhere.
Gosh, Nancy was a horrible person. Because Robin was inside. She didn’t know that Nancy had only given her the illusion of a choice. She didn’t know what was about to happen. She still didn’t hate her, still believed in her. Still trusted her wholeheartedly. And Nancy was about to shatter this illusion.
Joyce and two more medical staff were on standby. Hopper was at the end of the corridor, prepared to chase after Robin if needed. They really were about to do this. And Nancy had been the one to approve it.
When Robin finally opened the door, Nancy was surprised by how calm she appeared. She wasn’t as pale as she had become during the meeting. Was wearing one of Steve’s hoodies, which hung on her much skinnier frame. Looking as ordinary as she normally did, during work in the lab.
“Hey,” she said quietly.
“Hey,” Nancy answered back. “I know it’s not the most professional way to have this conversation here, but if you would feel more comfortable-”
“Come in,” Robin hurried to say, moving to the side.
Even though Robin spent the majority of her time in the lab or the simulation center, it still surprised Nancy just how tidy the room was. The project had moved to the land around a year ago, after spending 2 and a half years on an aircraft carrier, and Robin’s room looked as ordinary as it could be. Save for a bunch of scattered paper on the desk and her 2 monitors, the room showed no personality. Nothing like Robin’s cabin on the carrier, which was filled with posters, forgotten coffee mugs, a whiteboard for her ideas, CDs, books, and small action figures she got from the 3D printers on board.
“I didn’t know when we would need to move again,” Robin shrugged, as if having read Nancy’s mind. “Wanted to be ready, just in case.”
“Oh,” was Nancy’s only answer. She briefly glanced at the floor, gulped heavily, and finally dared to look at Robin. “Did you make your decision?”
Robin froze for a second, licking her lips, before suddenly taking a seat at the corner of the bed, as if standing upright was going to make her dizzy upon speaking. Nancy watched as Robin clenched her fist, staring down. She sighed quietly, then slowly sat down next to her.
“Robin?”
“I can’t,” the woman finally said. “I’m not going.”
“Want a bit more time to think?” Nancy asked carefully, even though she knew it wasn’t about that.
“No,” Robin shook her head. “It’s my final decision. I am staying here. I understand what’s at stake. And I know it’s selfish of me. But you’ll find a solution.”
“You are my solution,” Nancy mumbled, trying to find Robin’s eyes, but the other woman still refused to look at her.
“No, there are others,” Robin suddenly reached towards her desk, grabbing her laptop. “There are still people on the volunteer’s list. There is this woman from Brazil. A molecular biologist like me. Has studied every paper we’ve published on astrophage. She will pick it up with ease.”
“Robin-”
“Also, this guy from Sweden. And he has an active gene, because he studied it and tested himself out of curiosity. And he has worked for the ESA,” Robin hurried to say, pointing at her laptop. “He is even better. Will be mission-ready just on time.”
“Robin, please-”
“No!” Robin suddenly raised her voice, pointing at the laptop once again. “Just look. There are plenty of people. And the launch window? We can spare 2 days, and we will still be within time. We can make a list of those people and get them to the compound within hours. The same way you got me on the carrier 3 years ago.”
“The crops are already starting to fail,” Nancy said quietly. “Rapid climate change has already started. Europeans didn’t even have a word for tornado; now they experience them as often as we do in Tornado Alley. And it will only get worse.”
“Well, that was because we filled the Sahara with astrophage farms,” Robin mumbled.
“The winters will start getting even colder. In just a few years, we won’t have summers at all. Anywhere on the planet.”
“I know-”
“We will lose a quarter of the world’s population in the next 15 years,” Nancy added, her voice barely above a whisper. “And that assumes that the nations of the world work together to ration food. Which we both know they won’t. It would be at least double the estimate. That means that every forth student in your class won't get to grow up. And from those that survive, less than half of them would be lucky enough to live beyond the age of 35. Because it will only keep getting worse."
“I know!” Robin yelled again, suddenly getting up. “I know all of it. Because I’ve been right next to you since the start of Hail Mary. I’ve listened to the exact same simulations. Exact same presentations. I was by your side every time we heard the numbers.”
“Then why can’t you understand me?” Nancy also raised her voice, standing up.
“Because this is murder!” Robin screamed. “Don’t you get it?! You are murdering me!”
“Robin-“
“And I’ve worked my ass off for this project. I’ve given everything to it,” she kept on yelling. “I don’t want to go. I am not Yao. Or Illykhina. Or DuBois. I am not Dustin, who was willing to throw it all to go to space and be a hero. Because I am not as brave as they are. I’m a coward, Nancy. A coward! I don’t want to lose everything! I don’t want to die!”
Then she broke down. Not completely, but Robin never allowed herself to cry in front of others. Even after the explosion that killed DuBois and Shapiro, Robin went to cry about it alone on the roof of the station. Not even wanting Steve to follow her.
But here she was now, openly crying in front of Nancy. Because Nancy was asking too much and still kept pushing even when Robin explained that she didn’t want to go. She wanted to stay, and Nancy also wanted nothing more than to have her by her side. To stay, for them to face the end of the world together. Side by side, just like they overcame every hurdle of this project.
“Come here,” Nancy whispered, pulling Robin into her arms. The other woman sagged against her body, and Nancy moved them so they could sit back down on the edge of the bed.
“I’m sorry,” Robin mumbled against her shoulder. “I’m sorry…”
“Don’t be,” Nancy said, holding Robin tighter. “Don’t be. I know that what I am asking of you is big. And you have every right to be scared. It’s human to be scared.”
“I can’t do it,” Robin whispered instead. “Please, understand it, I just can’t.”
“But I also know that you are one of the brightest and most creative people I’ve ever met. You’ve always been. Meeting you again is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am only sorry that I didn’t try finding you sooner,” Nancy said, moving a bit so she could rest her forehead against Robin’s. “And if there is one person that I bet my money will be able to solve this, it's you. So I am asking you to be brave.”
“I can’t be brave,” Robin whispered, meeting her eyes. “I don’t have it in me. I can’t lose it all. I can’t be alone again.”
“You won’t be,” Nancy said, even though she could feel the lump in her throat and her own eyes stinging. “You won’t be alone. I promise.”
“I’m sorry,” Robin shook her head. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to disappoint you. But you can’t talk me into doing it.”
“Okay,” Nancy barely managed to whisper.
Maybe her plan was evil. Maybe it would be easier if she just let it go for now. Spike Robin’s food later? Wait for her to fall asleep before sedating her? Not here, not while she was in this state. Begging Nancy to understand her, to let her go. But how much time was she going to be able to buy? Steve was already sedated. The team was going to need to start preparing tomorrow. Postponing it was just going to be more evil on top of it, because Robin would finally calm down, thinking it was all over. Then it would only get worse.
It was now or never.
“I love you,” Nancy whispered. “I know I never say it, but I love you so much. I don’t want you to go either. I want you to stay here. I want every tomorrow with you. I want there to be another way. I really do, I swear. But we both know that there isn’t. Not a realistically successful one.”
“Nance-“ Robin barely breathed.
“You said it yourself. Humanity has survived against all odds. We’ve done it before, and will do it again.”
“What are you talking about?” Robin whispered, pulling her head back. “I don’t-”
“I'm just trying to make you understand what I am about to do next,” Nancy forced herself to say through the lump in her throat, slowly letting go.
“Nancy?” Robin whispered again, watching as she got up and walked to the door.
“Come in,” Nancy rasped out, looking back at Robin. “Please, try to stay calm.”
“What are…” Robin suddenly froze when Joyce walked in, medical bag in hand. Stared at her, then at the bag, then at Nancy, then back at Joyce, before suddenly getting up.
“No,” she said with a hint of rising panic in her voice. “No, wait-”
“Mission plan would state we induced your coma early to maximize your safety,” Nancy explained, desperately trying to keep her tone flat. “You will be remembered as a hero.”
“What?” Robin’s eyes went so incredibly wide. “No! Come on, this is crazy!”
“I have to do it,” Nancy said in desperation. “You will understand it one day. Please, forgive me.”
“Forgive you? Wheeler, you are insane! That’s fucking insane!” Robin screamed, her eyes tracking Joyce’s every move. “Don’t you dare!”
”Robin, please-”
“Please what?!" Robin stared at her. "You are sending me off to die! I don’t want to die!”
“I know this may seem like me betraying you,” Nancy tried to keep talking. “But it’s actually me believing in you.”
“Sure feels like betraying me! What kind fucked up twisted love is that?!” Robin yelled, taking another step back, bumping into her desk. “Stay the fuck away from me! Steve!”
“Robin, please,” Joyce tried. “Sit down. It will be easier.”
“No,” Robin shook her head. “No, don’t you-”
Before either of them could react, Robin suddenly flung her two monitors their way. A part of Nancy expected it, so she barely even reacted as the machine smashed right in front of her. Joyce, on the other hand, jumped back in surprise, which gave Robin just enough space between the two to flee through the door.
Nancy couldn’t move from her spot. Could only listen as Robin ran throughout the corridor, her footsteps echoing further and further in between. She didn’t expect her to get very far and was right about it when she heard a thump, followed by Robin screaming something she couldn’t quite catch. Hopper had tackled her, was saying something to her, but all Nancy could now hear were Robin’s desperate screams.
“No! Let me go! No! Nancy! Nancy, please!”
Nancy Wheeler was an evil person. Truly evil, just like her father had once told her. Because who did that? Who did that to the person they claimed to love? Who was she to decide somebody else’s fate?
“Don’t do it! Don’t do it!”
It was for mankind, right? For all of them, for their survival. There wasn’t another way. There couldn’t be another way. It had to be done.
“Steve! Steve, help me! Steve…”