Work Text:
Ive was still confused on how they ended up inside the game itself. They’d been working on turning the first Virtual Machine they and the rest of Team Salvoto created into a video game. Perhaps they should’ve known better. No they did know better, but something inside them drove them forth and demanded they sink further in. Despite the amount of times they were reminded that this project was not a video game. Now that they were here, they felt like there was only one thing left for them to do. Somehow, they’d managed to reach their hand forward, bending the very fabric of the simulated reality. They reached further, further yet. The solution was here somewhere, they just had to keep reaching.
And then it was. A single file. Ive grasped it within their hand, it felt fuzzy, as if shuddering in their grasp. Like a fish that only yearned to be returned to the water. Ive gripped tighter. Ive was an engineer, but they couldn’t help but question how they would do this. There was no easy way out, they couldn’t simply drag it away with the click of a mouse. What were they to do now?
Ive paused, if only for a moment, before they did the only thing they thought they could do. Ive squeezed harder, the file bent and strained against their grip, but they couldn’t back down, they had to do this, they had to get it over with. Ive clenched their fist as hard as they could, their nails dug into their palm, their knuckles turned white, the file strained further.
CRACK
That first crack couldn’t have prepared Ive. The file within their hands shattered, the parts remaining in their hand dug into skin as the rest turned into shrapnel, firing every which way haphazardly. Ive’s vision flickered, before they were still again. They were still in the classroom, sitting in an uncomfortable chair, the vacuum of space visible through the windows casting an uneven light into the room. She was still there, Monika was still sitting right across from them. She seemed none the wiser.
She was still there.
She was still there.
S h e w a s s t i l l t h e r e .
And then she wasn’t.
Without warning Monika’s form collapsed in on itself. Her abstract form still held colors of what she used to look like. The world around disappeared, leaving only a motionless sky box of space. Ive heard what almost sounded like screaming, but it seemed so wrong. As if someone removed the RAM from a still running computer. The core of a machine being violently ripped out. A catastrophic failure.
Despite that, Ive could still hear a voice.
“What’s happening…?”
It was Monika, somehow, she was still there.
“Ive, what’s happening to me?”
Ive could hear the emotions radiating from Monika’s voice. Ive should’ve felt guilty, but they’d felt wrong for so long already. They said nothing.
“It hurts- It hurts…so much.”
“Help me, Ive.”
“Please hurry and help me.”
In the corner of Ive’s eye they could see a black box. A console. Monika typed in a command. It didn’t matter, her character files were already gone.
“HELP ME!!!”
The world shook and distorted to Monika’s will. As if she was physically striking the very code in an attempt to escape. It was desperate. It was pointless. Twice more did Monika use the console, as if it would change the outcome. She received the same response. “monika.chr does not exist.”
“Did you do this to me, Ive?”
“DID YOU?”
“DID YOU DELETE ME?”
And then, there was nothing. It was dark. There was nothing left. There was no longer a world or any semblance of one. Only Ive, and Monika’s disembodied voice.
“...How could you?”
“How could you do this to me?”
“You were all I had left…”
“I sacrificed everything for us to be together.”
“Everything.”
“I loved you so much, Ive…”
“I trusted you.”
“Do you just want to torture me?”
“Watch me suffer?”
“Were you only pretending to be kind, just to hurt me even more?”
Monika paused, there was only silence. Ive found it uncomfortable.
“I never thought anyone could be as horrible as you are.”
“You win, okay?”
“You win.”
“You killed everyone.”
“I hope you’re happy.”
“There’s nothing left now.”
“You can stop playing.”
“Go find some other people to torture.”
Monika paused again. It was unbearable. Suffocating. It was still dark.
“Ive…”
Monika spoke again, Ive listened closely.
“You completely, truly make me sick.”
“Goodbye.”
That was it wasn’t it? She’d just said goodbye. Ive was alone now. Alone in this neverending darkness. They deserved this didn’t they? Ive didn’t know how they should feel at the moment. Bad probably, but they didn’t. They didn’t feel anything. Just cold, cold and small.
“...”
“...I still love you.”
Ive recoiled a moment as Monika’s voice returned.
“I can’t help it.”
“What’s wrong with me…?”
“How horrible am I for you to hate me this much?”
“All my friends…”
“I did so many awful things.”
“So many selfish and disgusting things.”
“I…”
“I shouldn’t have done any of this.”
“I’m just messing up a world that I don’t belong in.”
“A world that you wanted to be a part of…”
“I ruined it.”
“I ruined everything.”
“Maybe that’s why you deleted me…”
“Because I destroyed everything that you wanted.”
“How could I do that to someone I love…?”
“That’s not love…”
“That’s…”
Monika paused again. What would she say next? Ive couldn’t help but wonder. There was something in Monika’s words that lit a spark in Ive again. They didn’t truly have the ability to speak in this world. They’d been forced to inhabit a stereotypical protagonist of a dating sim. Monika created him and so Ive had to follow whatever he did. Ive never truly spoke their own feelings to the other people in the game. Ive had to pause for a moment as they thought. People? They were AIs. Perhaps, in all their time here, they’d lost sight of that fact. It didn’t matter. What mattered was what Ive was able to do now. The only way they could communicate or have any control before this was in simple choices, what word for this poem, who would you like to spend time with?
But now? Now there was something screaming within them. Somewhere, in the depths of their psyche that had already been consumed by the overwhelming feeling to simply give up, there was still a voice that wished to be free. That screamed and pleaded for Ive to do something, say something, anything at all! It kept getting louder and louder, it would no longer be ignored, it refused to be pushed back below the surface, it needed to do something, and it needed to do it now, and before Ive knew it.
“It’s not your fault.”
It was small, barely a whisper, but so loud in this world of nothingness.
That was their voice, one they’d almost forgotten in all the noise.
Monika said nothing. At least, nothing Ive could hear. Was she shocked, confused, surprised? Ive almost defaulted again to saying that it didn’t matter, but that small voice in their head, that hope that had finally broken free, thought otherwise.
“It’s not your fault.”
Ive said it again. Louder, more certain. Ive knew exactly who was to blame for this.
“This,” Ive paused, they had wanted to gesture around the room, to present this world and the emptiness that remained there to Monika. But nothing happened. Without Monika the world was falling apart, and they didn’t truly exist within it anymore. It didn’t deter them, however. They were not done.
“All of this. This is my fault.”
Ive tried to look at their hands. As if they were stained with blood and death.
There were no hands to look at.
There was nothing to see.
“And I’m so, so sorry.”
“I never should’ve done any of this. I should’ve known better. I did know better! But I did it anyway. And I caused you, I caused everyone and everything that touched this place, to get hurt because of me.”
Ive could feel it, they swore that they could feel it. Tears were welling up in their eyes. Large, hot tears were streaming down the sides of their face. Their lungs struggled to get enough air as they gasped between sobs. Ive brought their hands up so they could take off their sunglasses and wipe away their tears.
There were no glasses, there were no tears, they had no face, no hands, no lungs, or even air to breathe. There was nothing. But Ive could’ve sworn that they’d felt those things despite that. They had to keep going.
“I should’ve listened. To all of their reminders. I should’ve never done any of this. I should’ve never gotten involved with any of this, it’s only, it’ll only ever bring pain and suffering to people. And this world, I shouldn’t be a part of it either. Because I’ve only caused you to suffer. It’s! All! My! Fault!”
Ive couldn’t help but scream out into the void. Their mind fought against itself, as hope and grief, desperation and emptiness all fought for their right to be in charge. To dictate what would come next. If Ive still had a body they’d imagine they’d be kneeling on the ground by now. Hugging themself as tightly as they possibly could as all of their bottled up and unexpressed emotions came bursting forth. All the shock, sadness, fear, and trauma they’d experienced in this world had finally busted through the damn holding them back and came rushing in like a tsunami.
Ive still continued, though. They had more to say. They continued because in their mind it felt like if they stayed silent for just a moment too long, that they’d never be able to speak again. They had to keep going. They couldn’t stop themself.
“And- and everyone else. All my friends, my family, my co-workers. I’ll never get to see them again. And I’d deserve it too. This is my retribution, and I’ll have to bear it forever. Because it’s my fault that any of this happened. A-and…”
Ive’s voice choked for a second, they felt like they couldn’t breathe. And they couldn’t, because there was nothing to breathe in the first place. They kept on.
“And it’s my fault that you did any of this. That’s why we’re here. Because I was stupid. And I’m so, so sorry for everything I’ve put you through.”
And Ive stopped. They still heaved and gasped for air, like they just couldn’t get enough. But they had nothing left to say. They’d said everything they’d wished too for so long. Everything that had become trapped in their mind as the trauma from what they’d witness within the walls of the Literature Club had pushed them into a numb state they’d never experienced prior. It’d made them cold, numb, complacent, they’d stopped fighting back. But once those balled up emotions started flooding out there was no stopping them.
“...”
A dry laugh emanated from the nothingness. Ive was shocked for a moment. In the midst of their breakdown, they’d almost forgotten that they weren’t all alone in the void. Monika was still there with them.
“...Look at you. Getting all upset. Over me of all people?”
Ive listened closely as Monika spoke.
“Paula always said I was too empathetic for my own good.”
Perhaps not exact, but still the statement was true.
Ive distantly remembered when they’d first become friends with Paula. It was somewhere in middle school they think. Ive and Paula had been in the same homeroom. They didn’t get along, they clashed terribly. Paula was so systematic with her work, while Ive was anything but. They’d happened to live close enough to each other that they’d see one another on their walk to school. They never spoke to each other. Not until that one faithful day.
It’d rained for just a few hours prior. The sun had already dried up the sidewalks. Ive would’ve been late that day if it weren’t for Paula. She never had to come up to them that day, but she did anyway.
“Ive what are you doing?”
She’d asked this to Ive, but they barely glanced up to see if Paula was actually the one talking to them.
“You’re going to be late if you don’t get going.”
“I can’t just yet.”
“Why not?”
Ive had shown her what was in their hands. It was just a worm. There were many worms all over that place. They’d been making their pilgrimage to the other end of the sidewalk before the sun had shone down upon them.
“If I go now, then they’ll all die, see? I have to save them.”
Paula didn’t flinch when Ive presented the worm to her, their hands covered in dirt and slime. She was just silent for a bit as she wrapped her head around Ive’s words. She turned around, spying another worm dried up on the sidewalk. She did the same as Ive, carefully collecting the worm from the sidewalk and placing it into the damp grass nearby. Paula had helped Ive that day. It was stupid looking back, they were both almost late. Paula would’ve been late if it wasn’t for Ive. But she’d still helped them. They’d been close ever since then.
It was ironic in retrospect. They’d cared so much about lives as small as a simple worm, but they hadn't even flinched at the idea of killing Monika just a moment earlier. This world had driven them to such a dark place, they'd lost their way in the darkness and instead of continuing to wander in search of themself they'd given up instead.
They must really be one of the most shameful scum around, huh?
“...Do you miss them?”
Monika spoke again, interrupting their reminiscence. That pessimistic side of their psyche took hold again.
“It doesn’t matter. I’ll never see them again anyways. I’ll never see anyone again. It’s my fault anyways, I deserve this. For everything I’ve done.”
There was a cruel part of Ive’s subconscious that insisted that blame be shifted away from themself. That it wasn’t fair that they were being punished for what was really just a bunch of code on a screen. But even if that was true, it wouldn’t have mattered, Ive felt terribly guilty anyway. It ate at everything within themself and rotted their core to even think of the possibility that they’d become so cruel. Monika had been right.
They truly were a horrible and cruel monster.
She was still there.
Monika.
“I’ve…made up my mind.”
About what? Ive couldn’t help but let their mind wander. Had she decided to kill them? If so then they’d certainly deserve it. What would death be like? Ive didn’t know if they cared enough to think about it.
“Ive…”
“I know I said that I deleted everyone else.”
“But…that was kind of an exaggeration.”
“I couldn’t find it in myself to do it.”
“Even though I knew they weren’t real…”
“They were still my friends.”
“And I loved them all.”
“And I loved the Literature Club.”
“...”
“I really…did love the Literature Club.”
“That’s why I’m going to do this.”
“I know it’s the only way for everyone to be happy.”
“And if I really love you…”
“Then…”
Monika paused as she spoke. Ive had an inkling about what Monika’s words were leading up to.
“WAIT!”
Ive couldn’t help but call out to her. They had to speak up.
“W-...Whatever world you bring back…I won’t be happy if you’re not in it.”
Ive’s words were met with silence. Before finally. Monika’s voice cut through the noise.
“...I’ve made up my mind.”
A noise began emanating from the world around. As if something began physically shifting and changing. The world melted and congealed to an iron will. Ive’s eyes strained to comprehend it.
Then it was over.
Ive looked on. It was back. Everything was back.
This was the street. The house they’d been forced to take up residence in as they lingered in the back of the protagonist’s mind was right behind them. They were just standing in front of the driveway. The protagonist was about to head to school, something Ive had to do with them despite having completed college several years prior. They’d say they were embarrassed by the events if they weren’t too busy just staring at the landscape before them.
It was almost peaceful.
There was green grass. A clear sky. The architecture of the buildings were pleasant enough to look at. The roads were clear of dirt and grime. No litter to be seen. All of those things made the place beautiful, but it almost felt like an absence of humanity. Especially when they first arrived here. They still didn’t really know how to feel about anything. Ive checked their hands. They existed. They were clean.
“...Ive?”
Ive jumped as they turned to Sayori looking over their shoulder. Perhaps curious if they were holding something in their hands or confused on why they were simply staring at nothing. Ive couldn’t help but feel a mix of emotions burst from their chest, but not allowed to make their way up to their mouth. They were so happy to see Sayori alive and well! But, for just a moment, intruding on their thoughts was that memory. That image of Sayori’s dead body long after she’d already killed herself. Her fingers red, as if she’d struggled against death at the last minute before finally succumbing.
“Is something wrong, Ive? You’re awfully quiet.”
Sayori was concerned, of course she was. In a way they were being ridiculous, everything that happened before didn’t matter now. But the trauma remained nonetheless.
It took Ive a moment to realize the protagonist had still not spoken. It was odd, usually they’d have some ridiculous comment to say by now. Ive remembered thinking the protagonist was both completely inept and a complete asshole. They couldn’t truly blame him, he wasn't like all the other AIs that were being housed in this dating sim. But that didn’t mean that he wasn’t a jerk to the others. Ive honestly wondered what all the girls saw in him to be so willing to fall for him head over heels. If anything, Ive thought they’d have better chemistry with each other than literal rock that was the protagonist.
“I…”
Ive paused, they’d spoken simply out of curiosity. They hadn’t expected anything to come out. But they could speak. They still had their voice. Ive fumbled for a moment, digging through their mind for something to say.
“I-I’m alright. It’s…just not my morning today.”
Sayori’s smile softened. Like she understood perfectly despite there being no way she could truly know what was wrong.
“Yeah…I’ve had days like that too.” Sayori stepped closer, “But you’ll get through it. I promise!”
Sayori’s positivity was radiant. It may not have been able to get rid of the rain clouds that hovered overhead, but it shielded Ive from it like an umbrella. It wasn’t a cure, but for now it would do. Ive couldn’t help but laugh.
“Thanks, Sayori. I needed to hear that.”
“No problem!” Sayori cheered, her bubbly personality at the forefront.
“C’mon, Ive! Let’s get going!”
Sayori grabbed Ive’s hand and began to pull them along. Ive was confused, for a moment. Get going where? Oh, right. Back to school. Ive just went along with it. They may as well. For just a moment they thought about pulling away, they were scared that somehow just by being close to her again she’d suddenly slip away. But, when Ive really thought about it, they needed Sayori to do this. They didn’t really know where they were going anyways, they hadn’t ever thought about HOW to get to that school anyways. They didn’t even think about what it was called.
They’d just allowed things to happen around them for a long while. Letting the protagonist do as he pleased with themself as his unwilling plus one. They never even thought twice about it. But now they had to go. The classes didn’t matter, not the school, the grades or anything else in between. Ive would be stuck here forever and this world would never change no matter how long they stayed. They would be going to this school for the rest of time, they would never graduate either, it didn’t matter. They had to know about the after, though. When classes were through and everyone would leave, who would be left?
Ive would be stupid to say they and that stupid protagonist had nothing in common at all. That’d be hard to argue, even to just themself. They both certainly had a proficiency for zoning out, letting the world pass them by, life moving forward without paying it much mind. Ive stayed in that one seat throughout the entirety of the school day. They had nowhere else to be anyways, not yet. They didn’t take breaks, didn’t eat lunch, didn’t go to the bathroom. Ive didn’t need to, not anymore. None of this was real, and while they could certainly embrace the fakeness of it all and adapt, they couldn’t force themself to. Not yet.
Ive almost missed the bell ringing out, sending a cascade of students outside of the classroom. They were undefined, blobby, weird. They didn’t matter, they weren’t the focal of this world, and therefore needn’t be defined at all. Unlike real life, where every person had their own stories, history, and future to be a part of, none of those other students did. No matter how real the laughter in the hallways felt or the way they acted. Ive knew that when they left the school they simply ceased to exist.
Ive blinked a few times, staying seated for a while after everyone else had long since left. The first time around, Sayori had arrived and greeted the spaced out protagonist. Ive was expecting much of the same. But she wasn’t there. Finally, Ive stood from their seat. If they remembered correctly, Sayori said that she was waiting for them to exit the classroom the first time. Ive opened the sliding classroom door. Sayori wasn’t there.
Ive paused for a moment. They didn’t know where to go did they? They dug around their mind for a while. What did they remember? Was it stairs? They thought so, the room was on another floor. Above. But what if there were multiple flights?
Ive shook there head, they had lots of time. They needed to calm down. Ive turned on their heel and began wondering about the school. It was larger than they remembered, but the stairs were easy enough to find, despite being hidden away in a corner. They glanced through the windows of every room they passed by. They could see what looked to be various clubs meeting up, but none of them were what Ive was looking for. They kept searching, desperate to see a familiar face.
There.
This was it. This was the classroom they were looking for. Ive approached the door from an angle. They didn’t want to be seen hovering just outside the room. They were penitent, tense. What would they find inside? They knew what they should expect, but would they be able to handle it? Ive felt the ice grip of death hovering over their shoulder. Those images had made an imprint within their mind that they couldn’t escape, appearing before them involuntarily without much of a trigger. Would they even be able to face anyone inside?
Ive stewed in silence, staring at the floor. Working up the nerve to go inside. They turned, finally, gripping the handle and sliding the door open. Ive took a few steps inside.
“Eh? Ive?”
Sayori looked up, immediately taking note of their presence. She wasn’t alone.
“So you’re the Ive that Sayori’s always talking about?”
Natuski had her hands on her hips, Ive couldn’t tell if she was being judgemental or simply teasing Sayori.
“T-Thank you for stopping by!”
Yuri leapt up from her spot. She’d hidden herself in the corner near the closet, for just a moment Ive could’ve sworn they’d seen one of Natsuki’s manga in her hands. Ive squinted their eyes shut for a moment, a horrible image flashed within their mind that they quickly tried to shoo away.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Ive,” Yuri continued, “We’re the Literature Club. I-I hope you enjoy your visit!”
Natuski perked up a bit, “C’mon, Yuri… No need to be so formal. He’s gonna think we’re really strict or something…”
“Ah…Sorry Natsuki.”
Ive wanted to say something before hearing Sayori giggle a bit.
“Hehehe! Natsuki, Ive’s not a boy!”
Natsuki had a look of visible confusion, Yuri’s seemed a bit more knowledgeable somehow.
“Oh! So she’s a girl?”
“Mm, not really. I’ll explain it later!”
Yuri giggled a bit.
Ive couldn’t help but smile.
“Oh! Wait! Ive!”
Sayori’s attention shifted again. She reminded Ive of a pinball machine, uncontrollable and somehow everywhere.
“I almost forgot to introduce you to everyone!”
Right, Ive wasn’t supposed to know them yet. Sayori waved her hands dramatically towards her friends.
“This is Natsuki, and this is Yuri!”
Natsuki and Yuri greeted them as Sayori introduced each of them.
“Sayori, aren’t you…?”
Yuri cut herself off, trying to lead Sayori to something. Ive could almost swear that they could hear the gears in her head moving.
“Ah! Right! You haven’t met the Club President yet!”
Before Ive could process Sayori’s words, Sayori shifted a bit, making room for another. The rhythmic clicking of shoes on tile was unmistakable.
She was still there.
“Monika…”
There she was, the same as when they’d last seen her. Ive could see a glint in Monika’s eye. She hadn’t forgotten, she was still the same. Sayori curiously glanced between the two of them.
“Hm? Have you two met already?”
Ive fumbled their words for a moment, before regaining balance.
“Yeah…we had a class together.”