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"Would you rather piss off King Cardan or Queen Jude?" Brindlewood considered Featherwite's question carefully, taking a bite of his apple. He had only been in service at the palace of Elfhame for a short while, and he had spent little time in the presence of the monarchs. Still, he knew enough.
"Well, we know the queen's penchant for bloodshed," he said, chewing thoughtfully. "The king on his own has no real harm in him. I know it's bad form to piss of the High King, but given my druthers, I'd pick him."
"It's a stupid question," Thornquick snorted. "The king and queen are obsessed with each other. If you piss off one, you piss off the other."
"Yes, yes," Featherwite waved her off. "I'm aware, but if you had a choice, who would you pick?"
"The queen," Thornquick said. "Without a question."
"But the queen is a likely to kill you as look at you!" Brindlewood protested. "The king is the obvious choice. I've heard it said of him that he prides himself on not being a killer."
"You know," Thornquick said, slowly. "People raise that point about him often, but it seems everyone forgets just how much you can do a body without killing it. At least with the queen it would be over quickly. She may be a vicious thing, but she's not overly indulgent about it. And even her viciousness seems to be mostly reputation. She had the chance to slaughter the traitors after the battle of the Serpent, but all things considered, she was lenient with all. Even disgraced General Madoc."
"Well, of course," Featherwite laughed. "He is her father."
"Her foster father," Thornquick pointed out. "And he only became so by murdering her own parents, if the stories have any truth. What more fitting punishment for the double crimes of treason against the crown and murder than a swift execution? No, if I'm going to piss off either the king or queen, then let it be her."
"You're mad," Brindlewood rolled his eyes and shook his head. "You're mad and a pessimist. The king is nearly guaranteed not to kill you, whereas with the queen, it depends on her mood."
"I once heard that the king ripped the wings off of some poor pixie boy," Featherwite pointed out. "His only crime was not bowing fast enough for his liking, and he was then only the youngest, least favorite prince. He may not kill his enemies, but that doesn't mean he's a light touch."
"Not only that, but the king has killed," Thornquick said. Her companions leaned forward with great interest.
"When?" Featherwite demanded.
"It was not long before you were brought on. It was just before Queen Jude's coronation. General Madoc had come to take her. No one is certain why, though he left her alive for several days. Some have speculated he was holding the queen ransom, or he simply thought that King Cardan wasn't a good enough match for his favorite daughter. Or he thought she was the twin, and he was trying to spare her for being punished for the murder of her husband." Thornquick smirked to herself, but didn't explain which explanation she believed. "When she was taken, some of Madoc's troops had swarmed the castle, and he murdered half of them in his frenzy to get to his wife- whom no one knew was his wife at the time. So, you see, King Cardan will kill if given enough provocation.
"I see." Featherwite leaned back against his chair and tapped his chin, thoughtfully. "So, in that case, it would be safer to piss off King Cardan."
"How did you get to that conclusion from my story?" Thornquick asked, arching one thin, mossy brow.
"Well," Featherwite said slowly. "The king has shown a reluctance to kill on his own account, and whatever torture he might have for you would more than likely be over once he grows bored with you- and he's infamous for growing bored with a game rather quickly- but he will kill for his wife. Meanwhile, Queen Jude will kill if she deems it necessary, but she is merciful more often than not. But if you upset the queen, the king will take offense as well, and he will torture you on his behalf, and likely kill you on her behalf. Queen Jude may kill you if you upset King Cardan, but even then, it'll likely be a swift end."
Fetherwite's companions considered his explanation carefully. Then Thornquick and Brindlewood exchanged a glance across the table with a shudder.
"He's right," Brindlewood said. "It would be safer to piss off the king than the queen."
"The queen might even be able to talk the king down," Thornquick agreed. "Provided she was in a merciful enough mood."
"A flimsy thing to bargain your life on," Featherwite said. "But it's safer than the alternative, I suppose."
Around the corner, the Bomb and the Roach stood in the shadows, trying to muffle their laughter. After a moment, the Bomb managed to compose herself. She looked up at her lover with an amused gleam in her eye.
"Should we tell them who's right?"
"Nah," the Roach chuckled. "This is far more entertaining."