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Christofer settled down with his beer and snacks. Kate was out for the night, the ladies of UNIT had been collectively appalled when Kate informed them she wasn’t going to be having a hen party.
Shirley had declared that unacceptable and quickly taken charge, rota’s were juggled, a few favours pulled and they had the upstairs of a nice cocktail bar booked out this evening.
Christofer had been tasked with making sure Kate actually got ready - wearing something other than her suit - for when the taxi arrived.
Shirley had nodded approvingly as Kate stepped out of the house in heels and a burgundy dress. The neckline giving just a hint of cleavage and the skirt skimming her knees, enough material for it to twirl as she span round to give Christofer a kiss goodbye. His hand lingering on her waist as she gave him a soft smile.
‘I want her back in one piece,’ he waggled his finger at Shirley in mock sternness as Kate turned and slid into the taxi with a wave.
‘You want her full stop,’ she shot back with a cheeky grin.
‘Don’t wait up!’
Christofer rolled his eyes and waved at the departing taxi before heading inside.
He had football to catch up on.
It was a couple of hours later when his phone pinged. He’d already watched the game and was now nodding along in agreement to the post match analysis. Checking the notification he was surprised to see it was a voice note from Shirley. Wondering what she had to say he pressed play.
Background noise from the bar they were at blared through the speaker and Christofer hurriedly turned the sound down.
‘Christofer!!!’ Shirley’s voice came through the speaker of his phone at a pitch he was unused to hearing from the usually reserved scientist.
‘You didn’t tell me your girlfriend was such a lightweight!’ She exclaimed not sounding particularly sober herself. ‘She’s already upset the stripper and I’ve only given her two cocktails…’
Christofer’s eyes widened in shock and he choked on the mouthful of drink he’d been swallowing. ‘Pardon?!’ He exclaimed forgetting he was listening to a message.
‘What??.. wait… Mel I can’t hear you, you gave her what?… oh… no well that probably explains it then…’
Shirley’s message continued, although she seemed to have forgotten she was recording as she shouted over to Mel, Christofer kept listening with a slightly bemused expression, football temporarily forgotten.
‘Ruby said what?… yes I bet she does… hmm… well yes you go and console him then Mel but I’m not sure you’re his type… no I don’t think it’s because you’re a redhead…’
‘Sorry where was I?’ Shirley asked herself as she focused back on the message she was recording, ‘So… your girlfriend… no actually I should say your fiancée… this is a hen party after all… still can’t believe you weren’t going to tell us… anyway… I couldn’t hear exactly what was said but one minute the stripper - Leo, not sure that’s his name but never mind… he’s in front of Kate doing his thing and then the next minute when he’s getting down to his tighty whites… and she’s critiquing his uniform choices - did I mention he was dressed as a soldier?… I thought it was a nice touch...'
There was a pause as Shirley chuckled to herself and took what sounded like a long drink, before resuming her tale. '...and then Ruby shouts about Kate liking tall, muscular, men in uniform… well I won’t inflate your ego by repeating what she said but suffice to say it put a bit of a dampener on things… after the trouble I went to find him at such short notice too... so, your fiancée is now on cocktail number goodness knows what... it turns out the others got her a couple while I was getting Leo set up… and now Mel has taken it upon herself to console him… I think his ego is a little bruised… it shouldn’t be, he’s really quite pretty… I’m not sure she’s going to get very far... what with him not being much older than Ruby and far more interested in the barman… oh sorry… is it insensitive to talk about age gaps?…no offence…’
The message abruptly stopped and Christofer felt his lips twitch into a smile, he probably should’ve been more concerned about the mention of a stripper. But then he trusted Kate, and even Shirley to an extent and knew things wouldn’t get too out of hand, probably... It sounded like Kate was letting her hair down a little for once, something she rarely got the chance to do, he probably should have insisted she had something a little more substantial for dinner though… He made a mental note to dig out the paracetamol before he went to bed.
Christofer didn’t hear anything else for another hour and he was deep into an action film when his phone beeped again. This time there was a picture and a voice message. Opening the photo he was a met with a grinning Kate, her hair was slightly tousled and her cheeks pink. She had an arm around Mel and Ruby who were sat either side of her, all three pairs of eyes were slightly unfocused and they were all wearing badges which upon zooming in were revealed to be various unflattering pictures of him.
Slightly unnerved Christofer hurriedly zoomed back out. He was rapidly coming to the conclusion he would be better off not knowing what happened this evening. And yet he couldn’t help but press on the voice note to see what Shirley had to say this time…
‘Christoooooofer!’ Came the overexcited shout from UNIT’s most senior scientist, perfectly audible despite the thumping music in the background - was that the backstreet boys playing?
‘Your fiancée has gone all science-y on us!… have you ever noticed that she’s really bossy once she’s had a few drinks?… come to think of it I don’t think I’ve actually seen her tiddly before… shush Ruby I can say tiddly it doesn’t make me old… well that’s just rude I’m loads younger than Mel… no offence Mel… what?… hush, I’m talking to Christofer… well, leaving him a message… anyway, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted… yes she’s declared mixing cocktails is nothing but basic science, to quote her...'
Shirley took what sounded like another swig of her drink and did an admirable, if slightly inebriated impression of Kate's accent, 'I am a scientist you know. It’s simply combining several different liquid chemicals in a variety of combinations to produce different flavour outcomes…' Shirley dissolved into giggles at her own impression and after recovering herself switched back to her usual accent to continue her tale.
'So now she’s booted the Steve barman from behind the bar - lovely chap… and she’s making up her own concoctions for everyone… although she’s not very imaginative at names so we’re giving her a hand… what was this one again Rubes?… ' There was a shout Christofer couldn't make out. 'what?… oh yeah ball-breaker… and that one that Kate liked best?… long and strong…’ Shirley broke off into peals of laughter and there was another murmur of voices Christofer couldn’t quite catch, ‘yeah we named that one after you Colonel… '
Christofer felt his face heat up and was glad there was no one to witness his embarrassment. 'In fairness she’s doing a bang up job of mixing… the tricks… well, less so… but Steve’s not really noticed - he’s a little preoccupied with Leo… you remember the stripper?… oh wait maybe I shouldn’t have said anything about that… well don’t worry he’s got most of his clothes back on… for now… and Mel cleared up worst of the glass behind the bar so it’s all good… we made them cocktails too… we called theirs infatuation… byeeee’
The message cut off as abruptly as before leaving Christofer sat in amused shock, the room suddenly seeming quiet after the noisy and chaotic message. Well at least it sounded like they were having a good time…
The next time the phone dinged Christofer was reluctant to listen to the message, torn between the insight into what a night out with the ladies of UNIT looked - well, sounded like at least and also wondering if he might be better off not knowing what they were getting up to...
Curiosity won and he pressed play...
Piano music blared from his phone at an alarming volume despite him already having turned the volume down, the sound of enthusiastic singing starting up.
'You're so hot teasing me.'
Oh God they weren't...
'But I can't take a chance on a kid like you.'
They were...
'Come on Kate join in...' Shirley's voice urged over the singing and giggles he could hear, 'you know you want to...'
Christofer couldn't distinguish the individual voices - or a lot of the lyrics for that matter, but from the rise in volume and enthusiasm of the singing along with a couple of whoops suggested that Kate had indeed joined in. He could feel himself flushing as the rest of the song played out...
'Does your mother know that you're out!'
The song finished on a rousing shout from the inebriated group and Christofer glanced down at his phone seeing there was still time left on the message, he listened in trepidation, a little afraid as to what he might hear next...
'Ruby, Rose you're up!' someone shouted. There was some shuffling sounds amongst the background chatter and a piercing feedback shriek from a microphone as a familiar drumbeat started, although the sound was distorted through the phone speaker so Christofer couldn't quite place the song. Not that it really mattered.
'la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la'
He tuned out the music as Shirley started speaking, 'your wife-to-be has quite the singing voice Christofuuuur,' she shouted down the phone whilst giggling, 'I hope you enjoyed our ode to your relationship... I've got a few other tunes that might suit...' she trailed off as the chorus of the song blared out just as Christofer realised what was playing...
'slam it to the left if you're having a good time!'
uh oh...
'shake it to the right if you know that you feel fine!’
'Kate noooo...' Shirley yelled amongst the sounds of a scuffle and further muffled shouts, 'Donna grab her... I'll get the music...shiii…'
'Colours of the world, spice up your life!’
There was the sound of breaking glass, what sounded suspiciously like a growl from Kate and then the message abruptly ended.
Christofer sat unmoving for a good few minutes... What the hell was that? Well, it sounded like Shirley had it all under control. He might send her a text just to make sure...
Christofer received nothing but a thumbs up and a winky face emoji to his message checking everything was okay.
He debated texting Kate, but she tended to shun all communication once she'd had a few drinks and he could see her glasses sat on the side of the sofa. She hated wearing them full stop never mind in public, claiming they made her feel old. So the chances of receiving any kind of meaningful message from his inebriated partner, who was very likely to be unable to see the phone screen clearly for several reasons, was slim to none.
As if on cue his phone chirped again. No picture this time just a voice note. With some trepidation he pressed play.
‘Chriiiiiiiiiistofer!!’ Shirley’s clearly drunk voice screeched from his phone, ‘I’m learning an awful lot about your fiancée tonight… did you know not only is she a bossy drunk… she’s also very competitive… and rather out of touch with modern slang…' She broke off into an uncharacteristic fit of giggles, there was the sound of cheering in the background followed by an angry blast of a car horn and more excited chatter.
‘…We were outside about to get taxis…’ Shirley began speaking again, still a little breathless from her laughter, ‘but then Ruby and Rose were talking to some guys… they said that we looked like a fit group of ladies… awful chat up lines… anyway… your drunk and overly competitive girlfriend took that rather literally… she challenged one of them to a race around the block and took off… she’s pretty fast… beat the guy hands down despite the heels… her heels…’
Shirley continued to laugh as Christofer listened in stunned amusement.
‘Oh wait… Kate… you don’t want to do that… you don’t know what’s on the floor… Mel stop her…’ Shirley yelled.
There were sounds of a brief argument and other background noises he couldn’t make out. Then Kate’s voice, loud and defiant, ‘come on I’ll show you how fit I am… on your marks… get off Mel… GO!…’
‘Where’s she going now?’ Shirley sounded exasperated, ‘they’ve gone in different directions… for gods sake… Donna get her… you can… anyone that’s travelled with the doctor can run pretty fast… no don’t take your shoes off as well… for fuuuu… never mind she’s coming back this way now… Kate don’t, you’ll never catch him!…’
Shirley’s voice was then drowned out by chants of ‘Ka-te! Ka-te! Ka-te!’
There was a sound of what was presumably bare feet slapping against the ground and heavy breathing followed by Kate’s breathless pant of ‘I’m bloody fit I tell you… I’ve chased faster things than you…’ her voice trailed off into the distance.
‘I knew those bloody espresso martinis were a bad idea….’ Shirley muttered, ‘might as well just wait for her to come back round now… how many has she had?… I’m too drunk to work that out… use your fingers… that’s… plus the ones she mixed… oh for god's sake, I’m surprised she still standing… no wonder she’s bloody turbocharged!…’
Christofer inwardly winced. Kate on coffee was bad enough, but coupled with copious amounts of alcohol was asking for trouble.
Rather Shirley than him - although he had to let out a chuckle at the thought of her racing random strangers. Fit indeed, well she was. Although he wasn't particularly thrilled at the thought of other men looking her over and passing comment on her appearance…
He heard Shirley give a loud sigh, ‘I stand corrected from earlier l… she’s not a lightweight she’s a bloody machine…don’t worry next time she comes past Donna’s going to grab her and we’ll get her in the taxi somehow… might want to have the water on standby…’
There were sounds of a cheer and another scuffle and then the message ended.
Well, Christofer thought to himself, it sounded like they’d had a good night. Probably best they were heading home now though, before anyone took things too far...
Christofer checked his watch again. It had been a while since Shirley’s last message and there was still no sign of Kate. He’d elected to wait up make sure she got back and into bed safely, he always did, whether she was out for the night or returning late from work.
Still he would have expected her back by now based on Shirley’s last message, even if there had been a wait for taxis.
He stared at his phone, debating whether to ring Shirley and check everything was okay when it vibrated with an incoming call, Shirley’s name on the display.
‘Shirley,’ Christofer greeted her with a hint of concern. ‘Is everything okay?’
There was a suspicious sounding sniffle on the other end of the phone which immediately worried him.
‘Shirley?’ He asked again a little more firmly, ‘what’s happened? Is everyone okay?’
‘It wasn’t my fault!’ Shirley started defensively, ‘I tried to stop her…’
‘I’m not going to blame you. Please just tell me what’s going on.’ Christofer’s mind was starting to run away with various possibilities.
‘Well… we got Kate back after the racing… she won again by the way… but then one of the other guys was bothering Ruby… wasn’t taking no for an answer… so Kate went over, told him to leave Ruby alone… he told her to butt out… things escalated… next thing the guys on the ground yelling… the policeman came over… I’m not exactly sure what was said but Kate went for him too…’
Shirley gave another sniff, ‘I tried to sort things out, but they said it was too late… I just wanted her to have a nice night out… everyone’s really happy for you guys…and now it’s all ruined… and I promised you I’d bring her back…’ her voice wobbled at the end.
Christofer took a deep breath and forced his voice to remain calm, there was no point upsetting Shirley any further.
‘What has actually happened?’ He asked for what felt like the hundredth time.
‘She’s been arrested.’
There was a beat of silence as Shirley let the words sink in, Christofer sat there blinking as he digested her words.
Arrested.
‘...But the policeman was totally out of order… ' Shirley continued, 'Kate was only defending Ruby… who feels absolutely awful…’
Christofer pinched the bridge of his nose in despair, but was also a little relieved that it wasn’t anything worse. Kate had always been protective of Ruby, and she had a very strong sense of justice.
‘Right. Do you know which station they’ve taken her to?’ He interrupted, already pulling out his shoes and jacket and reaching for his keys, grateful the single beer he’d had earlier in the evening had long worn off.
Shirley rattled off the name of a nearby station and Christofer quickly calculated he could be there in 20 minutes.
‘I’ll deal with the police and Kate,’ he reassured her, ‘you just concentrate on getting yourself and everyone else back home safely. Are you sharing taxis?’
‘Yes,’ Shirley sniffed, ‘it’s all sorted, I just didn’t know what to do about Kate… especially since we’ve all been drinking, don’t be mad at her though…’
‘I’m not mad at anyone.’ He resisted the urge to sigh, Shirley was already feeling guilty enough and he didn’t really know enough details to figure out who was to blame. ‘I’m leaving now, you get everyone else home. And don’t worry, it sounded like it was a great night until the last bit.’
‘Thank you,’ Shirley’s voice was quiet, ‘will you let me know when Kate’s back?’ She asked hesitantly, ‘I can’t help but feel responsible and I won’t be able to sleep until I know she’s okay.’
‘Of course,’ Christofer promised her, ‘but don’t worry. Everything’s going to be fine.’
They hung up and Christofer made the journey as quickly as he could. Half amused and half worried about what Kate had managed to get herself caught up in.
Arrested on her own hen do.
He shook his head with a slight chuckle of disbelief. Well at least it would make for a good wedding story.
A short while later he was waiting in the empty reception of the police station having spoken to the custody sergeant.
There was the distant sound of a door being buzzed open and then the sergeant appeared, Kate following behind.
Christofer’s mouth opened in shock as he took in the sight of Kate. She was still barefoot, her dress was torn on the skirt and had several scuff marks on it, her right eye had the beginnings of a purpling bruise and there was a darkening shadow across her jaw along with a bloodied scab on her lip.
Her expression was both defiant and sheepish as she saw Christofer waiting.
‘It wasn’t my fault!’ Kate exclaimed as she got closer, tucking a wayward strand of hair behind her ear and revealing her scraped knuckles. ‘They took my badge!’
‘Let’s not get into that now,’ Christofer told her with a shake of his head. ‘Are you okay?’ Kate nodded wordlessly, the Sergeant had already confirmed to him the duty doctor had given Kate the once over and they were free to leave.
‘Let's just get you home.’ He gave a defeated sigh, ‘this is not how I was expecting your hen party to end.’
‘But…’
‘Come on. I need to let Shirley know I’ve got you back. She was practically in tears when she rang me.’ Christofer pulled off his jacket and helped Kate shrug into it. Wrapping his arm around her he guided her out of the door.
‘Why?’ Kate asked in confusion, her brow furrowed as she tried to understand.
‘She thinks you and I might be a little upset at how the evening ended - you know considering you ended up in a fight and got yourself arrested.’ Christofer explained patiently with a brief roll of his eyes.
‘Oh… no… this was the best night out I’ve had in ages!’ Kate beamed as Christofer helped her into the passenger seat. ‘There was singing and dancing… I got to mix the cocktails… there was a stripper too but I’m not supposed to say… he wasn't all that... sensitive chap… did you know I won a race... showed them all who was the fittest... took out the guy who was bothering Ruby too...’ Kate puffed herself up proudly.
'Yes and now you have the bruises to prove it.' Christofer rolled his eyes as he started the engine while Kate examined her face in the sun visor mirror with a pout followed by a dismissive sniff. 'Why don’t you give Shirley a ring while I drive us back? I'm sure she's very keen to hear from you,' he suggested with a sigh.
Kate nodded and fished her phone from her bag. Squinting at the display she finally managed to find the scientists name.
‘Shiiiiiiiirley!’ She exclaimed loudly, ‘no don't be silly... it's been the best night ever!… no it’s all sorted… yes that policeman was an imbecile… no I’m not sorry in the slightest… it’s been aaages since I’ve had a scrap… it's nothing, barely a scratch... yes Christofer came and got me… I don’t think he’s too cross… no not with you at least... I'll soon talk him round... He always forgives me when I... Shirley! no need for that!… oh, is Ruby okay?… good… what about what’s his name?… Leon, no Leo and Steve… oh yes, very cute together… oh I’m glad… no, no, honestly I’ve had so much fun… don’t feel guilty… well only if I have a hangover tomorrow… that’s definitely on you and Mel… I think running helped with that… yes get some sleep and I’ll see you soon… byeeee… oh wait… Shirley do you know what happened to my shoes?…
Christofer couldn’t hear Shirley’s side of the conversation as he drove them back, but from the huff Kate let out after she ended the call he assumed the shoes were a lost cause. At least they were the only casualty of the night he reasoned to himself.
He spared a glance to Kate who still had a happy smile on her face as she rested back against the seat her eyes drooping slightly as the night caught up with her.
‘You do realise details of your escapades are going to be all over the tower?’ He asked with an exasperated smile, ‘my own fiancée, and commanding officer, arrested for brawling in the street and assaulting a police officer during a night out.’
There was no response from Kate, Christofer looked over to see she’d fallen asleep, his jacket pulled tight around her, head tipped back and mouth parted slightly as she quietly snored.
He gave her a fond smile as he continued driving, what a night she'd had, and from the sound of it she'd loved every second. He'd remind her of that in the morning when the hangover kicked in...