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Maria Hill had very few things in her life that she loved. She never got the chance to know her mother and her father never got over her death to ever get to know Maria. People would often call her cold hearted, and at some level they were probably right. She honestly never had time for emotions and Maria was alright with that.
What Maria did love though, was a good burger.
While she never really knew her parents, she did know her grandfather. He was a good man, who had always thought his son was being ridiculous when he had blamed Maria for his wife’s death. He adored Maria and for a few years in her life, she honestly knew what it felt like to be loved unconditionally.
Before he passed away when she was eight, Robert Hill had always made sure to come up from Florida for her birthday. It was always a simple affair. Her father would be gone for the whole day, hopping from bar to bar, and left Maria completely alone. Her grandfather would pull her out of school and they would always stop at the zoo, and he would always buy her something with a tiger on it at the gift shop. Later both of them would venture out to get dinner and a pie at a small hole in the wall restaurant a few blocks away from the zoo.
Together Maria and Robert Hill would order two of the biggest slices of cherry pie, and two of the most delicious burgers Maria had ever tasted.
They were her favorite memories of her grandfather and of her child hood.
Her grandfather was the best example of a man Maria had growing up and she always compared every man she had ever met since then to him. It made dating hard, but Maria refused to lower her standards.
She also never had a burger that was as good as the ones from that small hole in the wall. It was frustrating and most likely insane but just like with her men, Maria refused to lower her standards.
…
There were a few men she had met in the Marines who had claimed they could make the best burger in the world, and all of them had unsurprisingly failed. Eventually she had figured out that all the MRE’s had somehow broken their taste buds and none of them would ever know what a good burger would taste like. It didn't take long for her to give up on their claims entirely.
The one person, who had even come close for the first time in over a decade, wasn't even in the armed forces to begin with; but he had a personality that could compare with her grandfather’s so when he asked her out on a date Maria had said yes.
Luke Cage was a hell of a guy, and Maria had found herself smitten with him.
He couldn't cook to save his life, and he was clearly in love with someone else, but it had been fun while it lasted.
During their month long fling, Luke had taken her to a popular restaurant in New York City on what would be their final date and had promised her that the burgers were to die for. Maria would be lying to herself if she said she wasn't more excited for the possibility of eating the first good burger in months over the date.
The burger was a little dry and the lettuce wasn't crispy.
Maria’s quest for the perfect burger would have to go on.
…
The next man that claimed to make the perfect burger she had met at SHIELD.
His name was Phil Coulson and the man had been almost an exact copy of her grandfather. The man may be a competent badass who could kill you with any house hold item, but he was also a loving man who was very loyal and kind of a dork.
Maria had, despite promising herself that she would never fall in love with a co-worker; quickly found herself having a crush on the older man. So when he asked her out to dinner at his place and a chance to watch a marathon of Mel Brooks’ films, she had agreed instantly.
Phil’s apartment was nothing like she thought it would be, but then again nothing about Phil was as it seemed. The apartment was warm and stylish and Maria could see a few decorations that were identical to the ones on the covers of the few Home Living magazines that sat on her coffee table at home.
Looking back at it, the matching throw pillows should have been the first warning flag.
Phil had promised her a good burger to go with the movies, and Maria was more than a little excited to taste it. Phil Coulson was a legend at SHIELD, and many of the agents that had worked with Phil before had all praised his cooking skills.
They flirted while he cooked, and Maria had enjoyed every second of it. Phil was a good conversationalist, and Maria was attracted to a dry sense of humor and a good deadpan.
By the time the home cooked meal was done, and all set up beautifully on brightly colored square plates, Maria was snuggled into Phil’s side on his very comfortable couch and was enjoying how relaxed she felt.
The burger was delicious, one of the best she’s ever had and Phil certainly was an amazing cook. He had just made the burger too damn complicated.
The perfect burger didn't need avocado, Mari was sure of it.
Phil, being Phil, had picked up on her disappointment immediately and had confronted her about it.
Maria was expecting Phil to apologize for the dinner, so when he apologized for being gay instead she was very surprised.
After the shock had gone down, Maria had taken one more look at the man before her, and questioned herself why she didn't see it sooner.
The two of them, despite that awkward first non-date, had become good friends and Maria would often try to set Phil up on a few well deserved dates.
Phil, in return, would continue to make her delicious but complicated burgers. None of them were the perfect burger, but they came pretty close.
…
Maria Hill would never talk about the date she had gone on with Tony Stark for a mission, and she will forever have nightmares about the burger DUM-E had tried to make them for dinner that night.
Phil would bring it up just to spite her, and in return she would always mention his crush on a certain purple loving archer.
No one understood their friendship.
…
There were a few other attempts at dating and even more attempts to find the perfect burger but eventually Maria Hill had given up. She figured her life was far too hectic to deal with the emotions that came with dating.
Steve Rogers had come close to changing her mind though.
The man was practically perfect in every way. He was polite, charming, and he respected Maria a lot more than some of her direct subordinates did.
They had gone on a few dates, but Maria was quickly discovering that while Captain America was perfect on paper, Steve Rogers was not. Steve was a good man, and her grandfather would have loved him; but Steve, despite all of his misfortunes, was still a twenty something from Brooklyn who had no idea what he wanted from a relationship.
Maria Hill was not someone he wanted to date, and she decided to end it so Steve could be free to figure out the world again.
They never once had a burger their entire relationship, and Maria was glad. Steve was more of a steak and potatoes guy anyways.
…
Thus the quest for the perfect burger went on.
…
“You know, I could help you with your burger problem.” Maria looked up from her tablet in the SHIELD cafeteria to give Jasper Sitwell a look that clearly told him to leave her alone. Jasper, the bastard, never really listened to Maria outside of missions anyways. “I mean, you've been looking for the perfect burger for fucking years and I can’t believe you never thought to come to me.”
Jasper was giving Maria a flirty grin, and she wondered not for the first time, when the two of them had begun flirting. She also wondered why she liked it so much, but Maria blamed that mostly on insanity from working with SHIELD.
“Phil told you.” It wasn't a question, Phil was good friends with Jasper and the two probably told each other a lot of things. Maria would just happen to let Clint know about a certain videotaped performance of Phil singing the next time she talked to him.
“Yeah, the bastard was high as a motherfucking kite last night from the pain meds and apparently Phil is a chatty fellow when his leg is broken.” Jasper threw her yet another flirty smile and Maria returned the gesture by not punching him in the face. “But seriously, I make a mean burger and I don’t do all that Martha Stewart shit Phil does to his burgers. I swear that man is gayer than a box of rainbows.”
Maria gave a rare chuckle to the very true comparison and Jasper’s smile went from shit eating to gentle. He had a nice smile, and Maria would bet Phil would be laughing at her if he wasn't stuck in medical at the moment.
“You think you’re up to the challenge Jasper?” Jasper got the hint for the invitation and his smile went from gentle to bright and happy.
“I make the best fucking burgers in the world Maria. I would chop off my own balls if that statement wasn't true.”
…
Many dates later, Maria came to the conclusion that her grandfather would have liked Jasper after months of grudgingly accepting that his granddaughter was dating a man who swore worse than any sailor.
She also came to the conclusion that yes, Jasper Sitwell made the “best fucking burgers in the world.”
fin