Chapter Text
She had a dream, she was travelling the world gambling at every casino and winning every stake. In that dream, she was lucky, in that dream, everyone was alive, in that dream she was happy
Happier than she is when awake
And she wonders when it comes to that; when sleeping had become the only place where she can find peace, when temporary death had been the only thing that's making her alive
Perhaps because in that dream he was alive
In that dream, he was there
Running, breathing, happy by her side.
Taunting her that she won't win everything, but then again, he was by her side and perhaps she had.
But she will wake up, realize that it all had been a dream, and then she's empty again.
Lonely even
She manages to survive the great ninja war but she can't celebrate victory
Sometimes she wishes not to wake up at all.
--/--
'What's your dream?'
'Travel four corners of the world and win at every casino, how about you?'
'To protect you on our travels'
'You can just go by yourself.'
--/--
One rainy day when the streets were empty and the sky was dark Tsunade embarked on a journey
Not as a Hokage, not as the slug queen, nor the sole living member of the legendary sannin (because even if Orochimaru was alive she can't bring herself to acknowledge him- who he'd become, not when the only person who used to tie them together was gone) but as Tsunade
She always just been Tsunade to him, never put pressure on the name she's bearing nor give ridiculous amount of respect over the position she had bear - him of all people know that she doesn't care on such things and her of all people knew that he doesn't care about animosity- Just Tsunade, his friend, his lifetime companion, the only woman he loves and on that rainy night she set out as that
She could have chosen a nicer weather to leave but somehow the weather was fitting given the reason for her travel- and it's not like it's her fault that the weather was suddenly unbearable once she stepped out of the village gate
It was a gloomy day then too when she received the news
Where will she go? She doesn't know, she has a few destinations in mind, places she has only heard in passing. Locations were only uttered drunkenly
'The land of honey, they have this massive field where they keep exotic kinds of bees and harvest hives all at once, the women there were as sweet as they look'
Drunk muttering meets by drunk grumbling, he has always been a little liar, over exaggerating tales, enticing her with his stories as if she doesn't know better, as if she doesn't see through the facade, and always, always she will punch him for even trying to fool her
--/--
Shizune asks her why she has to leave, the world was at peace for once, she can rest, she can finally focus on herself
But Tsunade really isn't one to live for herself, Shizune should have known that by now.
She had lived Nawaki and Dan's dream, and then held the post for Minato's brat - it's Kakashi's turn now, she had always been living for others
'This is me living for myself Shizune, i always love the village but what I need was not here'
And it's the truth, everyone she loves is there. some alive some buried six feet under, the moron of course has to be obnoxious even in death, that's why there's a special place for his grave somewhere in the middle of the forest
But it's not the memories inside the village that's hunting her, it's the lack of it, it's the way she will visit his grave and felt empty because she knows there's no body underneath, it's the way she will look around and realized that she can't remember if he had walked the same path she was traveling, if he had run on the same direction.
Jiraiya is a legend in the village hidden in the leaf, no street doesn't knows his name, yet somehow she can't feel his presence anywhere, he was a frequent visitor when she was the Hokage, but even that office is not hers anymore
This is her living for herself, and living for herself has always been chasing ghosts.
--/--
'In another life, I would love just to drink and gamble with you Tsunade'
--/--
Her first destination isn't much of a destination but a stopover
"Look, I'm not a Kage anymore I don't meddle" She said to the random passerby who pulled her so she would stop a brawl between two ninjas not far away, what a shame, she thought it's supposed to be the time of peace
"Please Lady Tsunade! If you don't stop them they might kill each other! I can't let that happen we are a team! We aren't supposed to fight one another!"
Ah.
Sounds familiar.
Tsunade head a deep breath and focused her chakra on her heels.
--/--
'If you just stop enraging her she won't do that to you, why are you so hellbent on teasing her'
A little mischievous smile, an evil twinkle in his eye, and her fist clenched so she won't stalk towards him to further damage his face
'Because that's the only time she got to express herself' Oddly enough his voice was soft when he spoke, her hand fell at her side, anger slipped away in an instant 'You understand me don't you Oro?'
'I don't. came the cold reply because I'm smart enough to know when to step out of her way'
'But you've always been the smart one!' Jiraiya chuckled voice devoid of any bitterness or jealousy 'and I'm supposed to be the idiot! And she-' he doesn't finish his words, it made her heart clench nonetheless, because she knows what he couldn't say
'She had become so fragile' Orochimaru supplied and it's hard to determine if that was a bite or bitterness in his voice
'She's not,' came Jiraiya's reply his tone obstinate to what he's saying 'she's different'
'Don't we all?'
--/--
"It's a pleasure to meet the godaime hokage," One of the workers greeted her as soon as Tsunade made her appearance known. She almost snorted, years and years and she's still not used to being treated with such respect, she couldn't care less what anyone thinks of her "What and to whom do we owe the pleasure of your visit my lady?"
Tsunade smiled, eyes focused on people harvesting honey on the beehives, wondering if he had also stood on that field taking little joy watching people move in peace, doing their job, being normal
Something they hadn't become
Sometimes she wonders, if they are not who they are, if they hadn't lived in a time where killing is what people do for a living and surviving isn't a need, will they be like those people?
Free from burdens, loving as if it wasn't a curse.
But they are not and on the life they settled for, they toed the line for decades and decades until it's hard to identify what and who should they become for each other, they had love one another regardless that's something she know is true, but somehow that love just hadn't found the right time to get conveyed until time itself had run out on them
"Just reflecting, I heard about this place from a friend"
She was filling the gaps now, going to places where she thinks they should have seen eye to eye, people that they should have known together, and memories they should have made
What once was just an I, should have been We, ages and ages ago yet only now that she dared to accept that
She wonders if this is how her life supposed to be all along, when you had nothing left to do and the same pattern had occurred over and over again it's not hard to accept that fact anymore, maybe what really just meant to be for her was to chase ghost and lose everything that she ever love, time are running out on her too, this time she hopes, she thinks, that it won't take decades for her to get over this... This grief that had settled inside her ever since he was gone
Yet she knows that it's unattainable, when she grieve Dan and Nawaki before, the ache was so profound that there's nothing left for her to do but keel and repress, to run as far away as she could, the grief she felt for Jiraiya's passing was different, it comes in slow blows, little by little the ache settle inside her heart until one day it just fully punch her in the face, when she was sitting inside the Hokage's office and staring at the window foolishly waiting for him to suddenly show up just like he does a hundred times before, he hadn't, and that's when it hits her, the only person she had left in the world, truly never coming back
That night, for the first time after the fourth great ninja war, she had consumed sake more than she ever had and if only Shizune had not stopped her, she would have already met him in the afterlife from alcohol poisoning
The grief had built and built to the point that even her Hokage duties she can't do well, if not for that brat telling, begging her to come out of it that she won't ever snap out of her suffering
Yet when she does she becomes restless, not knowing what to do with herself now that there's no foundation for her to lean into, nowhere to pour all the longing that has grown inside her on his absence
"Must be master jiraiya, he also visited us a long ago, he stayed here for a while, said that one day we can expect you visiting us too, he was right all along"
Tsunade chuckled, that idiot.
You love going out of your way just to see me react don't you Jiraiya?
How far had you come because you knew I won't stay still when it comes to you?
--/--
'Be the Hokage, The village needs you."
A shaky breath, her hand clutches the necklace hanging loosely on her chest, hesitant, hesitating, always hesitating yet she knew that it would take only another moment for her to give him what he's asking
She already had her answer, from the very first moment she had seen him at the bar, it's time for her to come home
Yet she can't tell him that, not when there's a chance for her to see what she had lost once more, not when he's asking of her could mean that she will lose all that she has left
She's not been good at just sitting with her ghosts and if he will become that then there's no point for her to return, she would rather run and know through whispers of the wind that he's alive and well than stay still and without him.
She can't give him what he's asking for, but she can give up everything for him
'And what will I get in return?'
'Nothing, it's just it's time for us to come home.'
--/--
Stepping on the soil of the land that had taken him away from her was too much but there's no other way
A lot of time had passed
She remembered screaming, at anything, at anyone, asking where his body was, demanding to bring him home, arguing with everyone who asked her to give up, that he can't be retrieved, she refuses to believe, that in the end, he had been true to his words, that he had given her nothing in return, even a body to grieve upon
"But is it true Jiraiya?" Cold water soaked her hand, giving chills to her spine, chills that can only be soothed by the warm embrace of a man she can only see in her dreams "Leaving without a trace isn't like you"
She can still feel him, on the water, on the air, on the tales he left behind, but specifically on that part of her heart that she had given to him, that part that still knows how to love, that part that refused to let go, he had that.
Even until now
And it's so unfair that she hadn't told him that.
Gathering her knees on her arms Tsunade watches the ocean, the sky is always so dark in Amegakure, as if it's always prepared to cry at any given moment, as if it's always expecting tragedy, as if it made for a lonely person like her. Waves softly touch the shore and she lets her ankle get wet, at her back she can hear children giggling but she knows when she turns no one is there, none anymore. and she closed her eyes as she let a silent tear fall
"Konoha is not home without you in there idiot"
--/--
There were nights more than others that Tsunade remember so well, it was before the fourth ninja war was fully conjured and she just woken up from her coma, she doesn't know why she remember that night so well when in truth it was just a simple night, one like the others but it stay, she remember going home that night after she part ways from sakura and her former gennin friends, after shizune stop trailing after her, she sunk on the floor, crying at an empty room, she had just woke up from her coma and she immediately had to prepare the village for the worst catastrophe none of them had been prepared for.
Yet those children... They are happy as they allowed to be, full of hope and battled ready, unaware of what the war could take away from them, Tsunade thought they're lucky, how they survive for so long without losing someone so important to them, a friend, a family, their loved ones. and that's when she realize why she had felt so empty seeing someone else happiness, she doesn't get to afford the luxury they had doesn't she? One, two, three wars before she had seen it all and had taken away all that she had treasured, yet she can't give up, can't just fucking die the way all the people she knows had done so, and then she berates herself for ever thinking that, because those people...
They didn't choose to die and leave her all alone, their time had just come earlier than hers, even Jiraiya... Jiraiya whom she had thought would stay on her side until her dying breath, had somewhat found peace before her, the thought made her chuckle humorously, even in death, he just had to one-up her, prove her wrong, how ridiculous
"Idiot." Tsunade slurred, slumped on one of the benches on a foreign land, she silently mourns, away from home she can grieve, away from home she can be weak, no one will see her, no one will dare to ask her what's wrong, and for once, she's glad to be left alone.
"Is she alright?" She has to groan, she hopes that people stop waking her up, she badly wants to reach where he is even just in fantasies
"I guess, she's drunk" Came the reply, that voice, masculine, seemingly always laced with mischief, familiar, tsunade blinked, saw dark sky for a moment, another blink and someone was hovering over her.
Familiar.
Like the face of someone she will recognize even with her eyes closed
Someone she knew by heart
That reckless fool, he had put himself on the death's door more than she can count and everytime, every time she was right behind his back, healing him to consciousness, to living, though admittedly she somehow hurt him more than she can count, yet everytime she was there for him, and everytime she will trace the lines on his face with the tip of her fingers, he always made her fear for his life, often she's scared that she won't ever see him again when another morning comes, she knew the edge of his jaw and knows exactly the time where those red marks on his cheeks had grown, know that his nose was still crooked from that time she punch him so hard, know that those same dark irises only look at her with love even if she had let him down so many times
"What's drunk?" The little voice asks but Tsunade couldn't bring herself to answer, not out loud at the very least, What's drunk? Maybe this, hallucinating the dead, toeing the afterlife, brings her to a place that only her imagination could reach, dreaming
"Hmm... I don't know either" Came the answer, but there was an unmistakable grin on his tone, he always loved doing that, telling people that he doesn't know, trying to make himself look like a fool but in truth he probably know more than he lets on, smarter more than anyone she had ever known and her lips curls, too. that smile, that same idiotic smile, she miss it so damn much
"One thing I knew is we shouldn't let a beautiful woman like her be left all alone in a place like this" Her imagination says and she groans when he sweeps her as if she weighs nothing, it must have just been her falling off the ground or someone had the guts to finally abduct her, but she will deal with it later
"You're still an idiot," she grumble letting her head fall on his shoulder, letting herself get swept away from reality much further, he felt so warm, felt so real, and she bask in the hallucination as much as she could, she had dream about Nawaki and Dan before, but none she remember so vividly, none of them ever materializes into a stranger, and she reaches and wrapped her hand on his cheek- sometime soon she will wake up and realized that all of this are just a figment of her imagination, that the one holding her are just a stranger, she will wake up soon and he's dead again, so she let herself linger, touch his face with such tenderness, giving in to what she hope she had done when he was still alive
You're here again, you're here again and I won't mind staying with you for as long as I can.
"I miss you" She says, and only then when she's drunk, only then when he's gone, that she could be honest with herself "So much it hurts"
The figment of her imagination only look at her, eyes bereft of emotion, forehead crease with wonder, and she smiles and trace his cheeks, wanting to see the dimples he always sports whenever he smile, if this was her jiraiya he will be laughing his ass off at her outward display of emotion, maybe even throw a quip or two, but he isn't, and no matter how real he felt under her fingertips her Jiraiya had long been drowned by the ocean
You're not supposed to leave me
--/--
There were moments-
'When will you ever send me that love letter?'
'The only love letter you'll get from me is this fist you idiot!'
That only ever occurs in passing
'You have to kill me first before you get her!'
'Jiraiya!' She has to clutch the end of his jonin vest to stop him, she's already weak and she knows he is too, this is a battle they can't win, this time, 'don't be an idiot, get us out of here'
One look, he hates losing but he knows that she's right, and when he clutches to gather her in his arms, she has to hold on to him tightly as she could as he brings them back to safety, he always has.
Small moments
'Why don't you just stay in the village?'
She wasn't as close to begging, she won't ever beg but she was waiting for his answer, hoping, praying that he would choose her, this time
Like shooting stars
'Oh so you're back huh'
'Yo,' his smile always warm, always unabashed, the closest thing to home that she could ever relate to 'it's been a while, Tsunade'
That will pass if you aren't looking close enough
'Please come back alive, Jiraiya if I were to lose you too then I-'
'Are you saying you'll cry for me? I'm glad to hear it'
-Blink and you'll miss it.
--/--
"I'm sorry for imposing" Tsunade chuckled scratching the back of her neck wryly, she woke up on a unfamiliar house with unfamiliar faces staring down at her, how utterly shameful, but it's better than being abducted, and the least that she want right now is shizune popping out in the blink on an eye in front of her if words get out how she's behaving on a foreign land
"That's alright, I hope you slept well"
"I- thank you for being kind, I'm really sorry I didn't know how I get here, I hope I didn't do such scandalous things"
"You didn't," The kind woman chuckled "you were passed out when Jiraiya brought you here so you don't have anything to worry"
Tsunade's smile stilled in place, her whole world to be exact, can't comprehend how the same name it took her days to utter again, slipping out of a stranger's mouth so easily
"I'm sorry?"
"Jiraiya, he's the one who brought you here, it's such a shame that you didn't meet him, but if you want to, he's probably just on the market lurking around"
Amegakure, compared to hidden leaf are small and is not as evolved, shadows of the tall buildings surrounding the land make the streets look dark and hunted, the division the civil war had cost before was still evident at every corner, prominent at every hunted eyes of people she meet, Tsunade felt like her head was spinning as she stride towards the market, every turn, she felt like she's seeing a ghost, every step she was dreading she will stumble
It's impossible, she reminds herself
After turning the corner she finally had enough and slumped beside a creek a groan leaving her throat before she started throwing up the last remnant of food she had had
Loosing him had been worse for her, when the time that she fully comprehend that she had truly lost him, her mental health had declined all together, she can carry herself in front of everyone, can function and do her job, but when she's alone, her whole world was collapsing and no amount of calling can brought her back, only shizune had known, she was there when Tsunade was crying on her sleep, she was there when she can't even chew her food and she was there when Tsunade eventually left the village once more, this time without her, and Shizune won't be there to dote on her and heal her, she is on a foreign land being hunted by a ghost that can hurt her even without touching, even without lifting a finger, his name alone can do damage to her bruise and battered soul
Tsunade never felt so helpless until then
"We always see each other in this kind of situation" Warm hands cradle her hair as Tsunade kept throwing up, yet even then, she instantly recognized the familiar voice, and she breathed through her nose and wiped the corner of her lipstick-stained mouth, and looked at the person squatting next to her
Familiar, all too familiar, because there won't ever come a time when she won't know him
Even in death
Even in the afterlife
On the outskirts of the town she barely knew, the sky was dark and cloudy, the shadows of death looming everywhere, the smell of the dump lingering on her nose, his name on a stranger's mouth.
She will recognize him