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Quackity opened the door, stretching out his wings. "I'm home!" He called, hanging his keys up on the hook, the duck keychain swinging side to side and glinting under the light that dangled from the key hangers. He opened the door to their bedroom, his gaze softening as he smiled and his eyes rested on his partners. Karl was curled up against Nick, their arm slung around him and their head on his chest. Nick was staring at the ceiling, his hands tracing patterns up and down Karl's neck and carding through their hair. Both of their faces were slightly pink, Karl's more than Nick's. Their hair was messy as hell, Nick's sticking out in places and Karl's knotted an impossible amount. By deduction, Quackity easily understood what has gone on while he was at work.
"You two idiots have a good time?" Quackity asked, smiling and picking up Karl's shirt from the floor. "Mhm.." Karl mumbled, yawning. Sapnap nodded, kissing the top of Karl's head. Quackity placed the shirt on a chair, sighing and smirking. "Good for you, guys."
"How was work?" Sapnap asked, his tail flicking slowly and wrapping around Karl's leg. Quackity shrugged, his wings twitching slightly. "The same as always. How were you days, you distracted jerks?" He said, with not actual malice behind his flared words. Karl gave him a weak thumbs up, while Sapnap shrugged. "...Most of mine was fine." He muttered, looking away for a moment. Quackity frowned, sitting down on the bed next to both of them. "Why just fine, amor?" Sapnap sighed, his eyes fluttering shut for a moment before meeting Quackity's golden ones. "Just had bad dysphoria today." He admitted, "I was cheering him up." Karl added, their grip around Sapnap tightening. "And you did a great job, baby..." Sapnap mumbled, causing Karl's face to turn a shade of pink as they buried their head into his chest. "Oh c'mon, Karl one word?" Sapnap teased, continuing to twist their hair between his fingers. Quackity nodded, ruffling Sapnap's hair. "You know we don't care about the fact you're trans, right?" Sapnap nodded in return, his hand that was at his side going to hold Quackity's. "Yeah, I know. It's more convincing myself I need to do..."
"Just... talk to us when... you need to." Karl said through another yawn. "Jesus, how tired did you get them?" Quackity commented, squeezing Sapnap's hand. He shrugged, smiling. Karl grumbled something about not being that tired, but neither of their partners responded with much more than a laugh. "Just sleep, Karlos.." Quackity said softly, silently giving Sapnap a smile. Sapnap smirked right back at him, winking. Alex simply gave his boyfriend's face a playful shove, rolling his eyes. "Idiot.."
Later, Quackity and Karl went out of the house, leaving Sapnap alone.
He didn't like being alone, but he supposed it was... fine. He hated the word alone, with all his heart. He went to the bathroom, looking at himself in the mirror as he washed his hands. He could see the slight curve of his hips, he hated those, painfully aware of the binder currently keeping his chest flatter than it actually was. He clutched the edge of the sink, grounding himself from his thoughts which ate away at him like maggots.
He thought about how every time Q or Karl called each other by name, the names were ones that they were given at birth. Oh, to have that luxury. He thought to himself, cursing under his breath.
You know that under all that you're still just Nicole.
He could hear a fiery, young voice say.
Just sexual, annoying, obnoxious Nicole everyone secretly loathes. A loud child who talks to themself. A tempered girl who worries too much and won't let anyone in. Not like anyone would by choice talk to her when they had other friends.
He placed his hands over her- his- ears, even though he knew that would silence nothing. That wasn't true. He was getting in his head. He was being negative for now fucking reason. He looked to the floor, dropping his shaking hands and looking at them as they began to steam. He sunk to the floor, as his gentle massage of his throat became clawing. The same throat that made his voice so high. He groaned, running a burning hand down his face as he stared at the big load of nothing in between his legs.
He knew that Alex and Karl couldn't care less, but he could. He'd never be a real man, like his dad. And he couldn't "just be a woman". Not now. He couldn't, even if he tried. He rubbed small circles on his chest. His chest, that wasn't flat without a binder.
He made his way to their bed, sighing and wrapping himself in a blanket, sat up against the headboard. This was when his breath became heavy, and almost labored.
He couldn't even get surgery because of where he lived, so he had to live with this curved body for a while. He was only a couple months on T, and his voice had yet to get much deeper. It definitely had, but not by a lot. He knew it would, but.. He sighed. If he had just been allowed to transition a little earlier... His mom, when he first told her that he was a boy and not nonbinary or a girl at the age of 13, didn't support him right. She was convinced it was a phase he would grow out of, and said to come back to her when he was twenty and say he "was a man". She was sure he wouldn't be able to do so.
"Look at me now, mom..." He muttered into the blankets, sighing. Tears fund their way to his eyes without permission. Bullshit.
She didn't get it. He had been a well good kid. (Well, for the most part. At least, he thought so.) He knew that she had and always will have her own things going on, but why couldn't she see that he needed support? Even if it was just a phase, she still should have given him a little bit of support and made him feel comfortable through said "phase". She bought him new clothes and toys and stuff when he got into something new, so why couldn't she get him a binder when he said that his boobs made him uncomfortable?
No phone or hoodie or piece of merch was worth feeling comfortable in his own fucking skin.
He was forever grateful that she at least let him cut his hair.
He knew that his dad, no matter how much he said he'd love him "no matter what", didn't see him as a real boy. He didn't see him as his son. In his eyes, deep down, Nick was still Nicole. His son was still his daughter. Nick wanted to fill his father's shoes, but they were too many sizes too big, literally and figuratively. He always wanted to be exactly like his dad, but he was also jealous of his father's masculinity. Extremely jealous.
Jealousy was one of his biggest problems. Hell, it was F.O.M.O. too. He couldn't stand knowing that his friends and partners were having a good time without him, jealous that they were, and talking to people without constantly thinking of him. Which to him, was terrible. On the other hand, no one had... actually told him it was bad. Except everyone knew that among other things, jealousy was an awful thing to have. It was an issue. 24/7, his partners were actually all he thought about. He was thinking about them now, he thought about them when he woke up, and when he wasn't thinking about them, he was talking to someone about them, or to them.
Was that a problem?
...It was a problem.
There's nothing wrong with loving your partner(s), but what if it gets too much? Even for them? Even for yourself?
"..."
Soon, she- he couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe. Panic attack... and you drown. This was common knowledge for a demon like him. However, it wasn't real. More so a simulation. Most of the time he wished he didn't have magic. Just so he didn't have to go through.. all this.
He was in the dark. Water cooled his body as he plunged deeper and deeper, coughing as he tried attempting to save his breath. His chest burned and he tumbled through the layers of pressure, sinking deeper into the ocean he dreaded. The one he couldn't swim to the surface of.
He felt his feet finally hit the sandy floor, his vision blurry and swimming. Invisible forces, like arms, fixed themselves around his chest, throat, and crotch, causing him to wince, then gag on the air around him. This wasn't real, he knew he wouldn't die, but he was still choking. The lack of oxygen held onto him, causing him to squirm and gasp.
Just a woman. Not a real man. Lies, all lies.
The water whispered, swirling around his feminine face. He shook his head, trying to calm down. "You're the one who's lying." He tried to say.
It... wasn't like he could die, but he hated when this happened. He collapsed into the sand, his mind going foggy.
Suddenly, a small horned girl, probably about eleven or twelve, was in front of him. A small tail flicked behind her, cutting through the water. She seemed unphased by her surroundings, albeit a bit confused. "Get up, Nicole!" She said, reaching out a hand. "Don't call me that." He spat out. "It's like a fucking slur." The girl paused, withdrawing her hand. "That's a swear word." "No shit, kid." Nick said, huffing as water was forced back up his throat. He stood up, his body floating up slightly in the water, still holding his throat as he continued to cough. "Well.. my name's Nicole."
Nick looked down at his younger self, sighing. "I know."
"You're sick." She commented, her face sad. "I want to help you. What can I do?" He barked out a laugh, although it was half a cough, stammering through some of his words. "For starters, it's Nick. You're the only one named Nicole here." "Nick is a boy's name." They said, frowning. Even through his struggle, Nick managed to give the girl a look. "And what do you see?" He said, the liquid hacking up and exiting his mouth once more before he gestured to himself.
"Me. But a boy. And old." Nicole said, cocking her head to the side. "Mhm. Not that old, kid." He mumbled as his body went numb. At this stage already? "We're supposed to be a girl." They said, as if it wasn't obvious Nick's gender was imperfect. Her words stung. Supposed to be. "... I know." His hands heated, causing bubbles in the water and a hissing sound to start. "But I also know you aren't comfortable in your body. You don't care what pronouns people use for you and you've known that since the 4th grade." He said, his body going slack and limp, sinking further into the sand for what felt like the millionth time. Nicole crossed her arms, looking down. She began to cry, or something like that. (They were underwater, after all.) All of the sudden, Nick felt a little guilty.
"... I don't like it when people call me a girl anymore." She admitted. "It makes me feel weird, and wrong. I-I used to not care but now it's weird. I don't know what changed." She put her face in her hands, spewing something about no one understanding. Nick nodded, giving her a sympathetic look as he coughed up the final amounts of water, and it became tolerable. He had calmed down in order to calm the kid. Waves crashed many feet above them. "It's okay not to know." He said, his breath leveling to help theirs. He squat down to the girl- the child, holding their hands. "It's going to be okay. You might never feel comfortable in your body, but when I tell you.." He sighed, "..you'll come so far. You have already. I believe in you."
They nodded slowly, pulling him into a hug. He froze, before hugging them back. "It's going to be okay, kid." The world faded away, and the small child- even with so much to unpack left- slipped through his hands. His body floated up, the sun getting closer as its rays sliced through seafoam atop waves that danced their way along the shoreline.
Then, he woke up, drenched in sweat. His chest was too tight. He took off his binder, placing it on the table beside the bed. He grabbed one of the hoodies laid at the end of the bed, not really sure or caring whose it was. He ran his fingers through his hair, taking deep breaths. Something inside him felt, tamed. Like a beast had been put down.
Like it had... drowned.
He heard the jingle of keys and his eyes lit up. They were home! He scrambled from the bed, grinning and rushing down the hall. "Hey, Nick. You're wearing my hoodie?" Quackity asked, smoothing down his wings and giving him a two-fingered salute as he greeted him. "Yeah." Sapnap replied quickly, shrugging. "Why, you want it?" Q shook his head, cracking his knuckles. "Nah, it's fine. You look handsome in it, anyway." Q said in equally swift response. Sapnap scratched the back of his neck. "Thanks..." Karl gave him a wave with the hand that wasn't holding Quackity's, running a hand through their hair, although it soon went back to its place bordering their face and falling above his eyes messily. Had they brushed it before they went out?
Sapnap smiled wider, wanting to take a look at their nails. (That was why they had gone out, to get them done. [Pfft, faggots]) "Did they come out nice, ladies?" He said, laughing at his own joke. (Which was barely funny, by the way.) "Oh, you're such a comedian." Quackity said, holding out his hands and pulling Karl's up with his. Karl's were painted a dark purple that was very close to black, while Q's were navy blue with little yellow ducks. "Cute." Nick said.
He should have said cool. 'Cute' sounded feminine to him. He shot a sharp reminder to himself that words weren't gendered, and that he enjoyed being called cute on occasion. "Nice coaching, me." He mumbled to himself, causing both his partners to give him a confused look. "Oh, never mind." He said, laughing a bit.
Later, Quackity suggested that they should bake something, have desert for dinner. After a unanimous vote among the three of them on this, they got to work in the kitchen. (In reality, Quackity got to work in the kitchen. Nick was bad at directions and something with Karl and baking just didn't click.) "Alright, mi amors, what'll it be?"
"Peach Cobbler" Karl said quickly, causing Nick to send him a look of judgement with a wrinkled nose. "Apple Pie." Nick commented almost at the same time Karl made his suggestion. "You don't even like peach cobbler, you just said that because you and your high school friends have that weird bit." He said, crossing his arms. "I don't like apple pie, either." Karl muttered, cocking his head to the side as he looked over at Quackity, who had been trying to do a trick with the spatula. "Yes, we know you're picky." Alex said, the spatula somehow flying across the kitchen. To be honest, even with Nick being the pyromaniac, he and Karl were both sure something would be on fire by the end of the night with Alex cooking.
Eventually, cookies were made. To the surprise of all three of them, the cookies were at least 80% less burnt than expected.
Q did all of the work as expected, the spatula only catching fire once. Karl mostly watched, but Nick had been banished to the couch for trying to add an ungodly amount of chocolate chips. (There would have been more chocolate than cookie.) Nick drummed on his chest in the past time, finally feeling okay with it for the first time today. He asked, "Done yet?" about every 10 minutes.
Eventually they all sat down on the couch, Karl's head flopped against Alex's shoulder and Sapnap flicking through Netflix. Karl suggested Heartstopper. When their two partners look at them with a "why?" look, they just shrugged. "It's a gay day." "Pfft-" Quackity burst out laughing, Sapnap's tail flicking back and forth with amusement as he laughed loudly as well. "Okay, man." He said, nearly choking as he laughed again.
Nick clicked on Heartstopper Season 1, reaching for a cookie from the plate on the table. "We really need a poly couple in Heartstopper, bro..." Sapnap commented barely an episode in, on his 3rd or 4th cookie. By the time they had gotten to Harry's party scene, they were getting close to passing out with fatigue. Karl gave Quackity a kiss when Charlie kissed Nick, their hands around his neck. Sapnap made a sarcastic offended noise. "Favoritism." Quackity rolled his eyes, moving and allowing Karl to make their way to Sapnap's lap and giving him a kiss too. "Better?" They mumbled against his lips. Sapnap grinned, kissing them back before pulling away. "Better."
Karl soon fell asleep against Nick, causing his face to heat up slightly. "Awh, look who's blushing." Alex cooed, nudging him before resting his head on his boyfriend's shoulder. "Shut up, go jump off the roof." Nick replied playfully, nudging him back. "Pfft... how rude." Quackity craned his neck to press a kiss to Sapnap's neck and jaw before relaxing against him, the show on the screen fading into the background.
They were all asleep not long after that, quiet- with an exception for the hum of a light in the kitchen behind them.