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I look at him. He’s lying on this white bed. Underneath those white sheets. The walls are white and the white curtains are the only decorative elements in this room. On the white table stands a bouquet of white roses in a white vase. The mid-July sun is blinding outside. The sunrays are passing through the curtains and a white glow illuminates the room. A nurse enters the room and tells me I have to leave soon.
- Five more minutes, she says.
Five more minutes. Her voice rings in my head as if it was in a drum. I don’t dare moving. Standing at the end of his bed, I look at him. He’s white too. His lips and the tip of his fingers are the only things blueish. The door opens a second time and a small voice rises in the silence.
- Papa, are you coming?
I dare moving my head. Leah is looking at me from the top of her six years of life. She’s wearing a white dress. Always white, too much white. White like the tux Ashton was supposed to wear at our wedding. Leah is still looking at me and I can see her reddening eyes. I immerse my gaze in hers and a memory flashes in my head.
Ashton enters the apartment. I’m sitting on the couch, my head in my hands, while he’s leaning on the door frame. He sniffs. He cried. If only I wasn’t stupid. He goes into Leah’s room and starts taking clothes. He comes back in the room and sits next to me. How did we get here?
- You should keep the apartment. Here’s my keys.
I can’t dare looking at him. My head still buried into my hands, I let the big fat tears roll down my cheeks.
- Leah didn’t deserve that.
I KNOW! She deserves a dad that’s there for her. And you too, Ash. You deserve a fiancé that respects you.
- Changed all the bills, my name is not on them anymore.
I’m still not moving. I can only cry. He’s losing patience, I know.
- WHY AREN’T YOU REACTING? YOU DON’T CARE, UH? TALK TO ME!
He’s still screaming but I don’t hear him anymore …
And I won’t ever hear him again. I still see him getting up and leaving the apartment. Now I see him lying there, deceased. I feel my heart break. He’s dead. Ashton is dead. SHIT FUCK HE’S DEAD! IT’S OVER! HE WON’T EVER COME BACK. My heart is nothing more than dust at this point. Leah is still looking at me. She’s getting impatient too. I’m disappointing her as well, just like her dad.
- Come on papa. We’re leaving. I don’t like it here.
Alright baby, we are leaving. I take a last look at Ashton. I wish I could show him how much I love him. But I was only able to show him how much of a coward I was. I showed him I was irresponsible. The last thing he will remember of me is this. I take Leah’s small hand in mine and leave the room. I wish I could kiss him one last time. The nurse sends me a compassionate look and a small smile. She then enters the room I just left and takes care of Ashton’s body.
- I love you papa.
She’s looking at me, waiting for an answer. I love you too, darling. She keeps staring at me and I can’t take it. I turn to look towards the wall. Everything is calm. The walls are as white as the floor. It’s decided, once at the apartment, I throw away everything that’s white. Me and Leah arrive in the waiting room, were the boys are waiting for us. They all look at me and give me the same look the nurse gave me. They don’t say anything. They know I don’t like the small talk that comes when your best friend loses his fiancé.
- If you want, I could take Leah for a couple of days with me, says Luke while getting up to meet me. Rose will keep her company and you’ll be able to …
His voice gets lost in an another memory.
I enter the hospital room and Leah looks at me. I smile at her and she’s almost jumping in her bed.
- Relax darling, Ashton tells her.
I get close to him and drop a kiss on his mouth. I finally turn towards Leah and kiss her head. I take out the plush I was hiding from behind my back.
- A DOLPHIN! Papa you are the best papa in the entire world!
Her eyes are glowing. She’s smiling, showing off all of her teeth, and clutching her plush dolphin to her chest. Ashton’s smiling too and I take a seat. There’s a long tube coming out of Leah’s ear and I find it difficult to watch.
- They’re taking it off tomorrow. It’s a drain to prevent another infection.
I turn my head to look at him and …
I’m in front of Luke again. He’s looking at me, puzzled.
- Am I taking Leah?
I nod at him and he takes my baby into his arms. She kisses my cheek and leaves with him. The guys leave after giving me a hug each. I can’t even hug them back. I’m an empty shell now, anyway. I get back home after walking around for a couple of hours. I don’t take a look at all the trash that has been there for a couple of days and go directly in Leah’s room. I stop at the door frame. Only a couple of years ago there was a dark wooded cradle that leaned on the back wall. It was pink. I can still see Ashton rocking Leah in his arms.
I run to the bathroom, nauseous. I throw up multiple times before I lay down on the floor. I’m woken up hours later by a pain running through my back. I get up and pass in front of the mirror. There is a couple of days old beard on my face. Dark circles around my eyes from crying too much. I get out of the bathroom, tired of looking at myself in this state. I go back in Leah’s room. The walls are white. White again. Leah hates pink.
I can feel rage bubbling inside of me and, with a determined step, I enter my bedroom. I throw open the drawers and I take out every single piece of white clothing. Once they’re all out, I tear them up into pieces. One after another. I let my pain, my sorrow and my anger out on these clothes. If Ashton saw me … SHUT UP! He can’t see you anymore. Never again. That thought brings my anger to another level and I open up the walk-in. In the middle, stands tall and proud, Ashton’s tux.
Ashton’s in front of me, eating. I take a look around while caressing the velvety little box in my pocket. It’s a fancy restaurant, just like he loves them. My hands are sweaty and I’m nervous.
- You okay my love?
I give him my best smile and he returns it. A little later, the waiter brings the deserts. It’s now or never. I push my chair back and get up. Ashton is looking at me, following my movements.
- What are you doing?
I get next to him and place a knee on the ground.
- Ashton, you changed my life. When I first met you, I didn’t believe in love. I got to know the wonderful man you are. Because of you, I have in my life a beautiful little girl and I will never thank you enough for this amazing gift. You came into my life when I was least expecting it. You surprised me and each day I thank the skies to have you beside me. Each morning, for four years now, I wake up asking myself how did I get so lucky to wake up to such a beautiful man in my bed! So, would you do me the honors to have the same beautiful man in my bed each morning for the rest of my life?
He looks at me, crying. He smiles at me, gets down and kisses me passionately. I get up and take him into my arms, under the applause from the clients in the restaurant.
- HE SAID YES!
I’m still looking at his tux. He would have been magnificent. He was magnificent. If you only knew how guilty I feel. I take a step towards the tux and take it off the hanger. I imagine Ashton in my arms and hold it close to me. It still smells like him. I waltz with it, without really realizing. I hear the front door opening. I go into the living room, hoping Ashton’s coming back. Deception fills me when I see Luke and Leah.
- I’m sorry, I don’t have any clothes for her and Rose is bigger now.
I don’t say anything and proceed to Leah’s room. My friend and my daughter are following me, I take a bag and begin to fill it.
- Hey papa, who was that girl in your room the other day?
I freeze. I slowly turn my head towards her and in the process, I meet Luke’s eyes. His eyes are as round as saucers. Of course, he knew but the question disarmed us. My eyes must be as round as his because I can see a flash of worry in Leah’s eyes.
- Did I say something wrong?
My friend reassures her while I fill her bag. After equipping her for a week, she leaves with Luke. I’m sorry Leah if you dad left because of me. I’m sorry for not being what I was supposed to be for this family. Forgive me for letting us down.
I lay down in the middle of her room and slowly close my eyes.
I run out of the studio. Ashton just called me saying he broke his water. At first, I didn’t understand.
- What? Which faucet broke?
He then proceeds to explain yell that he would be giving birth soon. Being near the hospital, I don’t take my car there. I get to the reception and ask for her room. After yelling explaining to the receptionist that I was the other dad, she let me through. I open the door and I see him bent over, clearly in pain.
- You okay baby?
He turns to look at me and boy if looks could kill, I would be dead. I take a seat next to him, ready to support him. It’s after seven hours of labor that Leah is finally born. The doctor asks me if I want to cut the cord. I accept with joy and I cut it with tears filling my eyes. They put Leah on Ashton’s chest and I get closer to them. There it is, I’m crying my eyes out. Ashton’s sees it and smiles.
- I love you so much, I whisper.
He turns his head to look at Leah, who’s crying. I couldn’t be happier than at that moment.
I open my eyes and the sun is reflecting on the white walls. Am I back at the hospital? I get up with difficulty and I realize that no, I’m in Leah’s room. I walk out of her room, going to the kitchen. I can see us, with Ash and Leah, cooking breakfast. I see us laughing so hard because of a fruit war. I see us throwing bubbly water while washing the dishes. I can fell the ghost of a smile on my lips.
It’s only been a day since you left and it’s unbearable. The doorbell rings and, with a heavy step, I walk to the front door. Ashton’s mum is right in front of me. She always loved me but today I can see the hatred in her eyes. If she only knew how much more I hate myself.
- He killed himself, she manages to say between two tearing hiccups.
My heart sinks and breathing becomes almost impossible. My legs are giving up and I’m shaking. It hurts but another feeling takes place instead of guilt. I resent him. I’m angry. How could he do this? His mum is still looking at me and she curtly tells me that the funeral is tomorrow. Already. It’s too soon. I’m not ready. I’m not ready to let him go. His mum leaves and I take the car keys. I get to the studio and I head to Ash’s drums. I take two drumsticks and begin to smash.
Smashed is the right word because in no time, there’s a dozen a drumsticks lying on the floor, broken.
I’m leaning on the bathroom doorframe. Ashton is bent over the toilet and he’s throwing up. It has become a habit lately.
- You sure you’re not pregnant, I ask him.
He looks at me, his eyes shining.
- Oh my god I’m so stupid!
He gets up, puts on a vest and gets out of the apartment in no time. Where is he going? In a matter on second he comes back in, running, and grabs me by my arm.
- You’re driving! I don’t have a license!
I follow him with a smile. We get a pregnancy test at the local drugstore and get back home quickly, clearly excited. Once at home, Ashton retreats in the bathroom, closing the door behind him. I wait on the other side, sitting and thinking. Me, a dad? I never really thought about that. I lay my head on the door and I get suddenly nervous. What if I’m a horrible dad? If the kid doesn’t like me? What if I have a kid? I fell the door open suddenly behind me and within two seconds Ashton is lying on the floor in front of me. I can’t hold my laugh and begin to giggle.
- Are you crazy or what? What is the point of sitting in front of the door like that?
I double in laughter at the sight of his face.
- I could have been dangerous for the baby.
I stop laughing immediately. I get my seriousness back and look into his eyes. Ashton blushes and bites his lower lip into his mouth. I can see tears gathering up in his eyes before I cradle him into my arms. Tears are flowing on my cheeks and I can feel him shaking.
- Why are you shaking baby?
He kisses me to answer. A long and passionate kiss. I slide my hand to the back of his neck and put the other one on his lower back. I get up, lifting him at the same time. I put my hands under his tights and lift him up to our room. After making love as passionately and delicately as possible, I lay down beside him. He looks at me and smiles.
- I love you.
Once at home, I take a shower. Tomorrow everything will be over. Tomorrow, everything will be irrecoverable. I dress myself in a sweatshirt and sweatpants. I lay down on the couch and stare at the ceiling. I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m haunted by so much memories. The god as much as the bad. I fall asleep with my arm bent under my head.
I get woken up by a shooting pain in my arm. My arm is limp by my side. I remember falling asleep on it. It’s just the blood flow going back normally. If only I could do the same thing with Ashton. I take a look at the time. 1h45 PM. I have to be at church in an hour. I lift myself from the couch and get to the bathroom. I take my razor and it would be so easy to pass to the other side, to go and join him. I lift my head and take a look in the mirror but it’s not me. It’s Leah. She’s older and she’s looking at me with bloodshot eyes.
- Why papa? Why?
The tears are falling and I can’t see straight. I can’t abandon her. I come back to my first idea and shave my beard. I put my hair the way I want them and put on a costume. How did I get here? I take my keys and get out of the apartment. Once in the car, I put the engine to life and get in direction of the church. The closer I get, the emptier I feel. I can feel pieces of myself leaving me. His voice rings in my head.
- I love you.
Me too. But I didn’t show you. I didn’t treat you the way you deserved. I arrive at the church and I see Leah sitting at the end of a row. Luke is sitting next to her. I get to them and get a look at her. Luke tells her to scoot near him and I take a seat next to her. I take her little hand in mine. I look at Luke and he smiles at me. A little smile that says everything. Next to him are his girlfriend and Rose. The perfect little family. I’m startled by the beginning of the preacher’s speech.
- Ashton Irwin was …
I don’t need a stranger to talk to me about the man of my life. After his monologue, he invites the ones who wanted to talk about Ashton. But it’s not Ashton. No. It’s an urn, a small urn. My beautiful Ashton. When Luke got to the front, Leah followed him. After Luke’s family, it’s Leah who takes place behind the microphone. Everybody stands still, some even stop breathing. I can feel my heart behind ripped in two. She slowly reaches the microphone with Luke’s help.
- I love you, dad.
There are the only words she says but it was enough for me to burst into tears. Loud sobs fill the silence. Everyone is looking at me. I bury my head into my hands and I cry. I can’t take it. I can feel someone approaching me to comfort me but I push him away. I run out of the church and end up in a park. That park. Where it all began.
I’m sitting on a bench and I’m waiting for him. I have to tell him I love him. I can’t let him go. I can see him coming closer. He’s so pretty. His red jacket and his curly brown hair floating in the wind. He sees me and he smiles. I can’t help but blush. I went out with other boys but with him it’s different. Her reaches me and I get up.
- Hey you, he says, smiling.
I kiss his cheeks and we start walking. He talks about his day but I can’t concentrate. He’s just so beautiful.
- Are you okay? You seem distracted.
He only you knew. I tell him everything is fine and he proceeds with his story. Suddenly he runs away and lays down under a tree. I smile, shake my head and follow him. He’s unpredictable like that. I lay down beside him and we look at the clouds.
Shyly, I slide my hand in his. My heart is almost beating out of my chest waiting for his reaction. From the corner of my eye, I see him blush and bite his lower lip. He always does this. I lift myself on my elbow, almost towering over him. I have to tell him. Regardless of his reaction, he has to know.
- I love you Ashton.
I don’t leave him time to answer that I put my lips on his. I can feel his surprise but he soon responds to my kiss. With my free hand, I pass my hand in his hair and end up caressing his cheek. I back away a little and stare into his beautiful green eyes. They shine. He smiles at me and I can feel my heart thumping. I lay back down and turn my head towards him. He turns his head and …
- I love you too Michael.