Chapter Text
Alan Bradford sat down under a tree, breathless and angry. He felt betrayed by his best friend. He felt betrayed even though Dave hadn’t known and Alan would never have told him.
He couldn’t be certain of whether he had fallen for Nick Davis because he thought he was gay, or whether he had thought Nick was gay because he had fallen for him. Either way, it had been a couple of years now. A couple of years during which he had guiltily imagined Nick almost every time he got himself off. Felt ashamed every time he came.
He had been so cruel to him, as though to punish him for making him feel this way. As though Nick had made Alan queer.
And now, now that he had confirmation that Nick really was gay, he had thought this was his chance. His opportunity.
He hadn’t had much time to think about it. He had followed Nick almost automatically, hoping to get him alone, with no plan for what to do when he did. Once he had cornered him, he had been cruel, because that was the only way he knew how to act around him. Then he had kissed him.
Nick had been still. Shocked. Unresponsive. Then Dave had showed up and everything had become clear.
Dave. Dave, who had been Alan’s first love, if one could call it that. They had been friends for as long as either of them could remember, and when they were six, Alan had convinced Dave to play at kissing with him.
Alan’s father had caught them. Alan’s ex-military, super-strict and homophobic father. He had thrown Dave out. Then he had beaten Alan. It was the only time he had done so. Alan never gave him cause to again.
‘I expect you to be a man!’ his father had told him. ‘Not some little arseshagging sissy! Do you hear me?’
And though Alan hadn’t really understood what it meant at the time, he had never tried to kiss a boy again. Not until today.
When they had grown older, Dave started having girlfriends. The first few were primary school relationships barely worthy of mention, of course. Kissing each other on the lips and then giggling about it. When they reached secondary school, Dave’s relationships grew more serious, and Alan’s thoughts regarding Dave became more graphic. In the end, he had convinced himself that there was no point in having a crush on Dave, that he was straight as an arrow and Alan would be better off investing his feelings elsewhere.
Alan had his first girlfriend at thirteen. It was the first time he felt like his father was proud of him.
He and Dave became closer than ever, proper best mates, and as Alan matured a little, he became more aware of the people around him, too. And that was when he had discovered Nick.
In primary school, Nick had been this scrawny little kid Dave liked to pick on, and Alan had joined in. Bullying came naturally to him, it always had. He had always been big for his age—not fat, just physically imposing. In secondary school, however, Nick began to pick back in earnest, and Alan became absolutely smitten at some point.
It had been hard enough to accept that Dave had decided to make Nick his friend after years of enmity. But to find Dave, the best friend Alan had thought could never love him because he was so straight, and Nick, whom Alan had lusted after for going on two or three years at least, together, was too much to take.
‘You think just cause I’m gay I haven’t got standards?’ Nick’s hurtful words echoed in Alan’s head.
Alan stood up, and without even going inside for his things, he left the courtyard and went home.
He found the house empty. His parents were both at work, Susanne at school. He locked the door to his bedroom all the same. Lay down on the bed and unbuckled his belt.
He pictured Nick the way he had left him, his shirt rumpled and his lips red. ‘You think just cause I’m gay I haven’t got standards?’ He pictured slapping him across the face and forcing him to his knees. In his mind, he made Nick suck him off. Then he got behind him, pulled down his pants, pushed him down onto all fours.
Alan turned over on his stomach, thrusting into his own hand, staining his sheets with pre-cum as he imagined fucking Nick. He came sobbing and gasping, feeling wretched and ugly and ashamed. He stayed still for several minutes, his semen puddling out into a large, wet stain on his sheets and his stomach, his tears staining his face.
He had never fantasised about raping anyone before. It frightened him.
Alan felt like he had no one now. He couldn’t face Dave. Chas was clueless, of course, and ended up sitting with Alan at lunch, though that might have been because Dave got up after barely touching his food and left the cafeteria before Chas was even out of the lunch line.
Alan and Chas ended up hanging out with a couple of bullies from their year for the lunch break. Alan knew them as Steve Winters and Johnny McIntyre. Steve was on the football team. Alan went through the motions, laughing at their crass jokes and making fun of the occasional passing student.
The following few days passed much the same. He didn’t have to talk to Dave, as Dave kept mysteriously vanishing at breaks. He had told Chas he had homework to catch up on, which was quite a feat for someone who was grounded, but Chas accepted it without question, because that’s what Chas was like. Alan suspected that he was seeing Nick, though. Somewhere, in secret.
So Steve and Johnny became his friends, or something like it. Then came a day, the following week, when he left college in their company and they saw Nick further up the road. Steve and Johnny picked up speed, but Alan lagged behind. He saw them reach Nick, grabbing his shoulder, turning him around.
‘Oh, it’s you again,’ said Nick. ‘Lose a posse member?’ He glanced over Steve’s shoulder and caught sight of Alan. ‘No, just replaced him, I see. Hullo, Alan.’
Alan’s heart rate doubled. He nodded his head wearily at Nick. What was he going to do? Nick could tell them everything. If he told them what had happened in the changing rooms it would be Alan’s head against a wall.
But Nick didn’t say anything about that. Instead he turned to the two older boys. ‘Big, strong men, aren’t you? Only go after me when I’m alone. How very… brave.’
‘Shut it, queer,’ said Steve. ‘No Jitsu champ Matt here to save your arse now.’
‘And, pray tell, what are you going to do with my arse?’ said Nick.
Steve seemed to hesitate. Then he advanced on Nick, grabbing him by the collar of his t-shirt.
‘Careful,’ Nick said calmly. ‘Don’t get too close now, you might catch the gays.’
Steve raised his fist.
‘Come on, you guys,’ said Alan, without thinking. ‘Let’s not bother, he’s not worth it.’
Johnny laughed. ‘Protecting him, are you Alan? Has someone got a little crush? I’m sure he’d like a boyfriend!’
‘I’m not gay!’ said Alan, defensively. ‘I just… He might tell. Not worth an assault charge, is it?’
Steve glared at Nick. ‘I’m sure we can persuade him not to,’ he said. ‘You’ll be worse off if you tell anyone, queer!’
Nick laughed derisively. ‘Is “queer” the best you can do? If you’re gonna bully me, you could at least be a little bit more creative with your insults! What’s wrong with anal assassin? Harry Hoofter? Backgammon player?’
‘Shut up!’ Steve growled.
‘Do you think your threats scare me?’ said Nick quietly, his voice full of loathing. ‘After what I’ve been through, I’m not all that scared of anything anymore. You think you know about me? You don’t know the half of it. I’ve been facing off against bullies like you my whole fucking life, and that’s not even scratching the surface of what’s been done to me! There’s not a thing you can do that’s as bad as what I’ve already experienced, so go ahead. Make your move.’
Alan stared at Nick. What had he been through? Worse than what any bully had ever done… What could he mean?
‘Steve,’ he said, taking a couple of steps closer. ‘Let him go.’
Steve looked uncertain now. It would seem that Nick’s speech had made an impact on him as well. He shoved him to the ground and took a step back.
‘Why don’t you just go kill yourself?’ Steve spat. Then he turned around and walked away. Johnny followed.
Nick picked himself up, brushing dust off his jeans. Alan hovered, uncertain of whether to follow Steve and Johnny or stay and say something to Nick. But what could he possibly say? He turned away and made to follow the other two.
‘Hey, Alan,’ said Nick. Alan halted, but didn’t turn back to face him. ‘Thanks.’
Alan shrugged one shoulder and then jogged off to catch up with the others.
A couple of days later, Dave and Nick came out. The lunch break was nearly coming to an end, and out from a corner of the courtyard came Nick and Dave, hand in hand. People gawked at them in open-mouthed silence, some catcalled, some japed and a few reacted with anger, shouting slurs at them. They didn’t seem to care. They both looked so happy.
Alan stood off to one side, under a chestnut tree, and tried to be invisible, looking on in envy. He wished it could have been him.
Another few days passed and the ruckus died down. Some simply accepted it. Chas was one of them. He didn’t seem to mind once he got used to the idea and gladly spent time with Dave and Nick. Others still grumbled about it, or made crude jokes, but Dave and Nick were mostly left alone.
And then one day, out in the courtyard before the first lessons of the day began, Alan felt suddenly brave. He trotted up to Nick and Dave where they stood talking to Matt and Chas close to the entrance, as casually as he could.
‘Erm… hey,’ he said, and they all turned to look at him. Dave’s smile disappeared and he looked angry, but Nick’s expression was unchanged.
‘Hey,’ said Nick.
‘I, er…’ Alan looked away and licked his lips and looked down at his shoes and then back at Nick. ‘I’m sorry, Nick. And… and Dave, I’m sorry, I… I’ve been a twat and… well.’ He grew silent, looking away again, his heart racing in his chest.
‘Yeah,’ said Nick. ‘You have. It’s okay, though.’
Alan looked up at him, a slow smile spreading across his lips. ‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘I… Thanks.’