Work Text:
“And tomorrow morning you have a meeting with the board-”
Tony stares at her wrist. Red lines. White lines.
”-and your presence is required-“
How did he never notice? She wasn’t wearing long sleeves all the time, was she?
Is she hurting herself?
Tony almost flinches at the thought. Nope, never, not ever. Not Pepper. Not Pepper “I keep your life from falling apart” Potts. Anyone but not Pepper. Right?
“-so please, please, don’t make this any more trouble and just be there-“
He snaps out of his stare.
“You know what, I’ll be there!”
Pepper looks up from her tablet now, a surprised look on her face.
“Great”
But she doesn’t sound convinced.
Tony avoids her gaze until she’s gone. He isn’t sure if he could keep himself from staring at the … scratches.
When he’s alone this evening he tries not to think about it. There are a million thinks he has to do, a million thoughts he could think instead.
His mind betrays him. God, it will go away if he keeps ignoring it, won’t it? But what if… Nope. Impossible. Not Pepper.
So he tries to build a grenade. He should be good at this.
It’s almost three in the morning when JARVIS reminds him of the board meeting. Wait, hadn’t he promised to be there?
He tries to sleep. He really does.
His mind betrays him again.
Why can’t he just turn it off? It’s past four when he does something about it.
“JARVIS what do you know about self harming?”
When Pepper shows up to work the next day she’s wearing a long-sleeved dress.
Tony hates that he’s glad he doesn’t have to see the scratches. He bets there are more now.
It’s amazing how he notices the signs that aren’t there. Not one single component in Pepper’s behavior hints at what she’s doing. Maybe he is just imagining things?
Maybe he should offer help without offering it? Tony could subtly put a business card of some therapist in her bag? After his parents died he got tons of those, there has to be one left somewhere.
But if he didn’t go to therapy after a traumatizing event like his parent’s death why should Pepper go? Maybe because she is more reasonable than he is. Then again, wouldn’t a more reasonable person not hurt themselves?
Tony clings to the hope that he is imagining things.
By day three it’s eating him alive.
“People who harm themselves often struggle with some kind of depression. Depression can lead to self hatred, self destructive behavior and suicidal thoughts.”
He can’t get JARVIS’ words out of his mind.
Pepper can’t be suicidal, right? It isn’t logical. Not someone like Pepper. She smiles in the right moments and nods when she’s supposed to. Not strong Pepper Potts who doesn’t give a shit about what the press says about her.
It doesn’t add up-
“Anyone can get affected by depression. There are no clear symptoms as the affected person often seems to hide them. How happy a person seems says nothing about how happy they are.”
-or does it?
Maybe he has to say something. Maybe it’s all a huge miscommunication and he’s worrying for nothing?
Tony takes a breath and looks up. Pepper is tapping on her tablet, completely absorbed by the work.
“Uh Pepper?”
Oh great. Uh. He’s Tony Stark. Tony Stark doesn’t uh.
“Yes?”
She doesn’t even look up.
“What happened to your arm?”
He’s trying so hard to sound casual.
“Oh that” Pepper looks at her wrist where her sleeve has been pulled up.
“That was my cat.”
Her cat.
Pepper doesn’t have a cat.
“I thought you don’t have a cat?” Why can’t he just take her excuse and let it go?
“The neighbor’s cat. She visits me quite often so I sometimes tend to call her mine.”
“Pepper these are no cat scratches.” Why can’t he just shut up?
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
But now she’s pulling her sleeve down.
Tony tries to calm himself, tries to look like he’s not about to lose his mind.
“Right, sure. Because cats leave marks all over your wrist?” Pepper doesn’t answer. “Pepper, I … I know therapists and other professionals… I’ll even pay it-“
“Tony.” He freezes. “I don’t need therapy.”
She states it like a fact. Like a meeting on his schedule. How can her voice stay that calm?
He thinks about it. What if he’s just made it worse?
“Okay, yeah, sure, but… what if you need someone to talk to who… who isn’t - me, yelling at you and panicking and-“
A realization hits him mid-sentence.
What if Pepper actually is depressed? What if she’s suicidal? He hates that he’s selfish about it but he can’t lose her. Not Pepper. Not his PA. He wouldn’t be able to find a replacement. There isn’t any. He wouldn’t even want any.
“Okay important question: Are you like thinking… about… you know-“
“Killing myself?”
It’s scary how calm she stays, like really scary.
Tony nods.
“No.”
Tony almost sighs in relief. But then why does she do it?
“I just… I hurt myself because it’s control. Life, this job, you, me- it gets frustrating and it’s the only thing I can control sometimes. I know it’s stupid and I shouldn’t do it.”
Tony freezes. Can’t move. Can’t breathe. Can’t talk. Can’t walk away. Because she’s explaining herself—finally—and he can’t just walk away.
Her gaze meets his. There is steadiness but also something else - is this shame? Fear?
“Tony?”
And that’s it. That’s the line he just crossed. He cares. He can’t uncare.
“Yes?”
“Promise me to not tell anyone, okay? I don’t care if you hate me, or fire me-“
”Why would I fire you? Because you’re human?”
Tony doesn’t comment on the hating thing. He can’t.
“I don’t know. Your actions don’t always make sense.”
He hates how she’s right even in a situation like this.
He clears his throat.
“What I’m trying to say is… if you need anything… you can ask.”
Very smooth, good example for how it’s not done.
“Thank you.”
They’re both quiet for a moment.
“Would that be all, Mr Stark?”
“That would be all, Ms Potts.””