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Po nee po
(Go... you... go)
Po nee po
(Go... you... go)
James was needy when he walked in. Regulus had been pacing the length of the room of requirement and stood frozen, staring at the door as it opened. James looked as excruciatingly beautiful as he always did. Nothing had changed about him in the short span of the Christmas holidays.
Everything about Regulus had changed. His entire life had been turned upside down and he had let it happen willingly. Regulus felt disgusted at himself with each moment that James stood in front of him.
James hadn't wasted a single second walking the short distance from the door to Regulus and wrapping Regulus in a bone crushing hug. Regulus returned it with the same fervour that was coursing through James. Regulus loved him so much and now Regulus was going to lose James, once and for all. He needed James to hold him like this one last time. He needed to will it all into memory.
It ended only seconds later, too quick for Regulus's liking. But James only let him go to crash his lips into Regulus's. And suddenly, James was kissing him with an urgency that Regulus had never experienced from the other boy. Distance had turned James into something else. Any other night and that kiss would have led places that Regulus could only imagine now.
Yet, Regulus let James kiss him. James kissed him like there was no tomorrow. Like James needed to swallow Regulus whole and keep him safe inside James's chest. Regulus wished that it could happen, that there was a way out of this.
"James," Regulus whispered when James finally broke apart from him. It came out pained.
James was immediately concerned. "Baby, are you okay?"
Regulus didn't know how to respond to that. He wasn't okay but it barely mattered. He was about to do something that would leave James completely not okay. Regulus couldn't do it. There was already a lump in his throat. The tears threatened to surface quicker with each passing moment.
"James," Regulus repeated. It was about the only thing that he could make sense of.
James began checking for injuries on Regulus's body, running his hands over Regulus's sides and back. Regulus held his wrists, pausing his movements. That was not how Regulus wanted James to find out. He had to tell James himself.
"Baby, do you need me to stop?" James questioned, removing his hands from Regulus entirely. Regulus nearly cried from the loss of touch itself. He couldn't do it. Regulus closed his eyes shut tight. "Talk to me, baby. What's wrong?"
"I'm sorry," Regulus breathed. He had to apologise first. Regulus knew there was no use. It would make no difference to James once he found out. James could never forgive Regulus for what he had done. "I'm sorry, James. I'm sorry."
The tears finally came. His words began mixing together, just, "I'm sorry, I'msorryI'msorry."
James brought his hands back to cradle Regulus's face, wiping away the tears gently, "It's okay. I promise it's okay. You don't have to apologise. Just tell me what's wrong, baby."
Regulus began hiccuping. It always happened when he cried. Regulus was an ugly crier. His entire face was bright red and there was snot running down his nose. Still, he kept apologising repeatedly. He didn't know what else to do.
James began moving him onto the couch in one corner of the room. "Come with me, baby. Sit down. It's okay, baby. Everything's going to be okay."
Regulus stopped him again. He couldn't do this. He couldn't accept so much love and affection from James after what he had done. Regulus was a liar, a cheater, a soon-to-be-murderer.
"James, please. I can't," he begged.
"You can't what? Baby, talk to me, please," James pleaded when Regulus continued hiccuping without a word.
Regulus had to do it then. He had to just tell James. Rip off the bandaid. He couldn't keep pushing it off. He couldn't be a crying mess and let James comfort him while he had betrayed James entirely only a few days earlier.
"I, James, I took the mark," he whispered.
James froze. Only then did Regulus realise that James had been rubbing soothing circles into his back before with one hand while wiping his cheeks with the other. Both hands stilled. He didn't make a sound. Regulus didn't think James was breathing at all.
Regulus let out a sob he had been trying to suppress. He couldn't any longer. James was leaving him, finally. He had done it. He had pushed away the last good thing in his life.
"You what?" James whispered, disbelievingly.
Regulus couldn't bring himself to repeat it. "I'm sorry, James. I-" had to. It was an excuse, a weak, pathetic excuse. Regulus snapped his mouth shut.
"You're lying, right?" James whispered, looking at Regulus like he was a foreign object. A stranger.
"I'm so sorry, James. I'm not, it's not a lie," Regulus said.
James took a step back. Regulus's heart crumbled. The pieces shattered in his chest. He couldn't breathe.
"James," he whined. Regulus had no right to. The word left his mouth regardless.
James looked away. His expression was pained. James's eyes were now filling with tears.
"Regulus, why?" James asked, still not looking at his face.
Regulus had no excuse. No plausible reason. Nothing that would make taking the mark okay. Regulus did something terrible, disastrous. He knew he shouldn't have. He did it anyway.
"I'm sorry, James," Regulus repeated like a broken record machine. It was the only thing he could think of to say. Being sorry didn't change anything. It didn't make him not a death eater. He had no reason to offer to James.
James looked back at him. The tears were rolling down his cheek now. His eyes were red and puffy. Regulus had never seen him look so hurt before. Regulus had done that. Regulus had made James this hurt. Regulus would never be able to live with himself again.
James's eyes flicked, once, to Regulus's left forearm. Regulus's hands reached for the shirt sleeve immediately. He could feel the pain of the mark being burned into his skin even now. The movement was a mistake. James looked away again, having gotten the last confirmation he needed.
"I can't believe you," James whispered. "Why would you do that? You could have run away. I would have taken you in instantly. I would have cared for you my entire life, Regulus. I love you."
Regulus let out a broken sob at that. James had never before said it like that. He said it like he was pleading with Regulus, begging to understand, to take him back. James wanted to fix this. Put this right. But there was no fixing this. The mark was on Regulus's skin. It couldn't disappear now.
"James, please don't do this," Regulus whispered. Regulus couldn't watch James tell him how wrong he was, how stupid he was. Regulus knew. He knew all of these things. He took the mark anyway. He was a vile, disgusting creature. He didn't deserve an ounce of James's love.
"Do what, Regulus? Love you? How can I not? I love you. I love you so so much."
Regulus was crumbling further, drowning in his own pain. He squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn't look at James when James was crying like this. The words were already destroying him.
"Please don't, James," Regulus pleaded. "Just go. Go away, James. I can't do this. Please go."
James listened. He always listened to Regulus. James turned around and left. Regulus didn't even open his eyes. He couldn't watch James's retreating figure, it would be burned into his eyelids forever, a reminder of all the love he'd pushed away. When he heard the door close, he finally crumbled. Regulus had never before cried this much in his life. Everything hurt. And there was no more James to make it all better. Regulus had lost James. Regulus had asked James to leave. James had left. Regulus had pushed away James. James.
Thaniyaaga thavikindren
(Suffering all alone)
Thunaivendaam anbe po
(Don't want you to see, love, go)
Regulus didn't go to the Great Hall for a week after Christmas break. He didn't want to see James. Moreover, he didn't want James to see him.
Regulus was ruined. He cried himself to sleep in his dorm room every night. Most of the time, it would be hours before he could sleep. Then there'd be the nightmares. The Dark Mark being burned into his skin. Mother screaming at Sirius and torturing him. James leaving.
There were purple bags under his eyes constantly. Regulus had stopped eating as well. Evan would bring him something from every meal, taking pity on him. Evan believed Regulus was down because of the pressure that came with the Mark. None of Regulus's friends knew anything about James. Regulus wouldn't eat most of what Evan would bring. Only enough to convince Evan that he wasn't starving.
Regulus let himself be hungry. Regulus would starve. The pain of it would feel good sometimes. It was always enough to make him forget about other things in his life for a little while, like James.
Regulus threw himself into schoolwork for too many hours. He'd be one of the last to return to the dorm every night. He'd do extra work. Always writing essays. Never reading. Regulus had spoken to James about too many of the books he'd read. The act of reading itself was a horrid reminder of everything he'd lost.
Regulus picked up the habit of smoking in between classes from Barty. Barty was glad to finally have an accomplice for some of his mischief. Most of it included tormenting other students and taking questionable magical substances. Regulus only indulged in smoking. It was soon turning into an addiction. He liked the way it made his lungs burn.
Regulus was becoming thinner by the day. Paler. He looked like a sickly Victorian child, according to Evan. Regulus paid him no mind. Regulus continued ruining himself, suffering in pain all alone. He made sure James never had a chance to see it. Regulus didn't want to hurt James any more than he already had.
Pinamaaga nadakindren
(Walking like a corpse)
Uyir vendaam dhooram po
(Don't want life, go far away)
Pandora was the only one who managed to get across some words to him. Regulus never listened to anyone else or anything else. He didn't want to hear about how he was slowly killing himself due to a Mark he'd been forced to take. Pandora rightly didn't make the assumption that Regulus's self destruction was about the mark.
Regulus managed to avoid her for the entire first week of January by his self proclaimed isolation. He didn't let her come near him in any way, even in the classes they shared. The second week was a lot tougher. He returned to the Great Hall, but he'd always leave quickly, hating the way his brother's laughter cut through the hall and reminded him that James didn't suffer like this. That he had friends who made it better.
He managed quite well to avoid Pandora by keeping to himself. But it was only a matter of time. She found him in the library at the beginning of the third week when he had come to pick up some books for his extended and advanced studies. Pandora urged him to study with her in the library instead of the Slytherin common room, where she couldn't get to him. He couldn't refuse her for long.
"You look like a corpse," she said out of the blue while Regulus was actually writing something important.
"Thank you," Regulus murmured sarcastically.
"Here," Pandora said as she passed him a note. It was charmed shut. Regulus opened it with a tap of his wand while eyeing Pandora sceptically. Regulus never knew what to expect with her.
Are you okay, baby? You always look horrid these days. I can't stomach it. Please start taking care of yourself and your life. I don't want to be the reason you look like life itself has been leached out of you.
-J
Regulus's heart plummeted down somewhere into his stomach. He looked around the library as if James could see him now. See how horrid he looked. It was making James sick. James couldn't live with himself with how terrible Regulus looked. Suddenly, Regulus could feel tears threatening to surface. He crumpled the note in his hand.
Regulus thought he had asked James to leave. That James wouldn't make it hurt any more with his love. Regulus felt like James's love was suffocating him more than everything else. Not James's love. His pain. James was in pain because of Regulus. Regulus didn't want that. It made him hate himself more. Regulus wanted James to stop. With his incessant worrying and endless love. It made Regulus want to destroy himself more.
Regulus desperately wished that James would leave him alone. Maybe Regulus wanted to die and that had nothing to do with James. Why wouldn't James just leave him alone?
"Who gave this to you?" Regulus asked Pandora, hating how thick his voice sounded. Regulus was becoming less in control of his emotions as the days passed.
"The note passed a lot of hands. The charm could only be opened by you," Pandora said, reassuring that nobody else knew about this, about their secret.
"Do you know who it's from?" Regulus asked, getting antsy.
"Don't you?" Pandora asked. There was a knowing quality to her tone that Regulus couldn't ignore.
"That's not why I asked, Pandora. Do you know or not?" Regulus bit out. He hated that he was angry at Pandora.
"I'm not supposed to," Pandora answered.
"Well, if you do, tell them to mind their own damn business and please leave me alone," Regulus said in a very unkind tone. He immediately packed his things into his bag with a swish of his wand and walked out of the library, setting fire to the note in his hand as he went.
Pandora was right. Regulus did walk like a corpse. James was right too. He did look like life itself was being leached out of him. Regulus told himself that he wouldn't look the part anymore. Even if it was how he felt.
Regulus didn't have much left to live for. James had been his life after Sirius had left. Now, James had left too. Soon, Regulus's life or at least what sliver of it was remaining, would wither away too.
Oh, unnaalae uyir vaazhkiren
(You've the reason I'm alive)
Unakkaaga penne
(Only for you, my lady)
Regulus wanted to die. It took over most of his waking thoughts all the time. Regulus didn't want to live anymore. He just wished this pathetic excuse for a life that was his would soon end so that Regulus could be at peace. Regulus was prepared to end it himself. It would be so easy. If he wanted, he could even make it look like an accident.
He could just tell his mother he was tired of school and wanted to serve the Dark Lord better. He could throw himself into the battles being waged outside the walls of Hogwarts like the child soldier that he was and lose his life to some nameless member of the Resistance. He wanted to. It would hurt that way. He wanted someone to torture him to death. That would still be less than what he deserved.
Regulus held on with the promise that he needed a few more months. Until the end of the sixth year. He wouldn't return for his seventh year. There would be no James to look at when James didn't notice. There would be no brother to annoy and shout at just to make sure that Sirius hadn't lost any of himself and continued living like he always had. There would be nothing left in a few months.
In short, Regulus was staying at Hogwarts, staying alive for James.
Just a few more months, Regulus promised himself, then he'd put himself out of his misery like the coward that he was. Regulus laid awake at night, wondering where he'd be if he weren't so in love with James that he refused to leave Hogwarts while James was still there. Probably six feet under and useless for everyone like he already was.
Regulus wished for it most days. A potions experiment gone wrong. A stray Crucio hitting him from the wand of one of the marked seventh year Slytherins. A visit to the depths of the forbidden forest on a full moon night. Regulus knew there would be a werewolf there. An accidental overdose involving one of Barty's deathly substances. Anything.
Regulus wished he would die. But he didn't. He stayed alive, much to his chagrin. The only thing keeping his heart beating was a boy who couldn't look at him properly anymore. On most days, that alone was worse than being dead.
Uyir kaadhal nee kaattinaal
(If you show me the love of living)
Maravenae penne
(I'll forget, my lady)
"Lily!" Pandora exclaimed. She had seemingly popped out of nowhere, which was impossible inside Hogwarts. James hadn't seen her coming, trying to focus all his attention on Lily who had, by some miracle, begun showing interest in him in the past few months. James thought she had impeccable timing. Nothing to heal a broken heart like someone holding it together and mending it.
It was all a lie. James lied to himself as much as he laughed with Sirius. It was a habit ingrained in him since he was eight or so when he had first learned he could tell himself things that weren't necessarily true and believe in them. It had provoked his 'I'm a vampire' phase as a child.
There were somethings that James couldn't lie to himself about. Like the fact that he loved Regulus. He had loved the boy for too long a time. Loved him so strongly that he had gotten his heart broken. Loved him so much that he was convinced that perhaps the love would peek out through the lies. James couldn't allow it to happen.
"Can I steal James from you for a moment?" Pandora asked Lily. James had tuned out most of their conversation, looking up at the mention of his name.
Lily had a confused look about her but she nodded her head, "Yeah, sure. I was just about to head to the library anyway. Bye, James." There was a light flush on Lily's cheeks as she waved him goodbye and left. James returned the wave with a bright and hopefully convincing smile on his face.
Pandora pulled him through a corridor and into a hidden alcove. James was confused but didn't question it. He was Head Boy, Quidditch Captain, and star Chaser of the Gryffindor team. Girls were always pulling him places. James only let it happen because it was Pandora. She was nice, friends with Regulus, much too kind, a little bit obsessed with Potions and most importantly, had a boyfriend. She didn't want to pull James through the corridors like that.
"Did you know how your note reached Regulus?" Pandora asked without preamble.
James turned still. He was panicking slightly. Nobody was supposed to know about the note. It was charmed shut. Nobody should have known it was for Regulus either. It was supposed to find him inconspicuously.
James had sent it two days ago. He hadn't been expecting a response. He also hadn't been expecting anyone to find out about it. Regulus would murder him if someone found out about them. James sadly accepted the fact that it probably didn't matter anymore. Regulus was a death eater. He would murder James regardless, once James was in the order. The thought sent chills through his spine.
"How do you know about the note?" James asked, hoping his voice came out even. He was having trouble listening to himself over the sound of his own superfast heartbeat in his ears.
"I was the one who handed it to him," Pandora answered simply. James didn't understand her. He didn't question it either.
"What was his reaction?" James asked, far too eager. He didn't care what Pandora thought now. He wanted to find out about Regulus more than anything.
"He asked me to tell you to mind your own business and please leave him alone," Pandora recited from memory. She had a pitying look on her face. That was why James crumpled so quickly. He fled the scene without another word to Pandora. He didn't want to see the pity on her face any longer than he had to.
James was being very pitiful, wasn't he? He had left Regulus and gotten his heart broken in the process. Then he had the gall to send Regulus a note asking about his well being, like some too good romantic hero. James had been kindly asked to fuck off in response. How pitiful, indeed.
For a moment, all James could wish for was that Pandora had said something else. Anything that would tell James that Regulus didn't hate him. That Regulus cared. That Regulus would listen and try to take care of himself. That Regulus would attempt to soothe James's worries. That Regulus still loved him.
Regulus didn't say it that night. James had thrown it in his face. All of James's love, exposed for Regulus to see. Regulus hadn't said it back. Hadn't even tried to. Had no inclination to. James wondered if it had all been in his head. If he had been used and discarded. If Regulus ever truly loved him. It must have all been some sick joke to Regulus.
It was the exact opposite to James. James loved Regulus with everything in him. If Regulus had said it back that night or shown any hints of it, even now, even as James pathetically fought back tears, James would take him back in a heartbeat.
Dark Mark be damned, James wanted Regulus. If Regulus still loved him, James would forgive everything. James would forget it all and take Regulus away to some faraway land where they can live in peace together, away from the war.
It was a gigantic if. James didn't think Regulus loved him.
Ithu varai unnudan vaazhntha en naatkal
(Until now, the days I've lived with you)
Marumurai vaazhthida vazhi illaiyaa
(Is there not a way to relive them again?)
On the days that he couldn't get even an ounce of sleep, Regulus would find himself returning to the astronomy tower. Where they had first met.
Regulus knew about the map. He knew it was a risk. He knew James could find him and corner him there anytime. Regulus had asked James to leave. Regulus hoped James would respect that, even though he knew James probably didn't want to. Regulus went anyway. Unable to stay away from the place where everything had come alive. Where life had first become worth living again after Sirius left.
There were so many memories on that tower.
Stargazing in silence. Silence turning into conversations. Conversations about everything - stars, books, Quidditch, Sirius, ice cream, classes, etc. Enjoying James's laugh. Brushing hands. Sitting pressed close together, knees touching. Wearing James's sweater in the cold. Their first kiss.
Regulus had fallen in love on that astronomy tower.
Despite having asked James to leave, Regulus found himself wishing on most nights when he was there, that James would come find him. Talk to him again. Ignore everything that had gone wrong. Laugh like they had done months ago. Sit together and stargaze again. Kiss under the moon's glow again. Fall in love again.
It was stupid wishful thinking. None of it would ever happen. But Regulus still wished and wished and wished. Hoping against all hope in the universe that there would be some way that they could have it all back again. Everything that they had lost. Was there really no way to gain it all back?
Irulilai thediya thedalgal ellaam
(All the searches I made in the dark)
Vidiyalai kaanavum vidhi illaiyaa
(Am I not fated to see them after dawn?)
The match paused as Regulus dove for the snitch. The Gryffindor Seeker, Corey, wasn't far behind but James knew that Regulus was a magnificent seeker. Regulus had gotten a head start and would be catching the snitch, nothing short of it. It didn't matter anyway.
Gryffindor was ahead by 190 points. James had been playing brutally, sending the quaffle through the hoops every chance he got without failure. He had to have his head in the game or it would undoubtedly fly away to Regulus and be caught there. James knew why Regulus dove for the snitch regardless. Regulus wanted this match to be over. Perhaps, just as much as James did.
James remembered the first match of the season he had played against Ravenclaw. He remembered thinking that when he played against Slytherin, against Regulus, it didn't matter who won because they would celebrate regardless. James had wished, even, that by now Regulus would have been okay with telling people about their relationship. That James would have gotten to kiss him at the end of the match in front of the whole school watching.
The fantasies had intensified after that one night they had ventured out on the pitch on their brooms together. It had taken weeks of convincing on James's part to get Regulus to agree to come flying with him. It had been one of his more dangerous and most brilliant date ideas. It had been a huge success.
They had kissed that night, under the stars, brooms in their hands, exhilarated from flying, without a care in the world. They had both been so happy, so overjoyed and unable to contain their excitement at having managed to get away with it. They had walked back to the castle hand in hand. James had made Regulus giggle, properly giggle that night. It had been fantastic.
Regulus caught the snitch. The crowd erupted in cheers and boos alike. Happy Gryffindors and angry Slytherins. James's team began its victory lap around the pitch. They were sure to get the Quidditch cup this year. James had his eyes stuck on Regulus. Snitch in hand and a scowl on his face as he walked towards the changing rooms quickly, ahead of his team who were sure to be angry with him.
At the edge of the pitch, he turned around as if he could sense James's gaze on the back of his head. Even at such a distance, James and Regulus held eye contact. James felt like he was burning. He would surely crash and fall from looking too long into the eyes of a star.
James knew what Regulus was thinking about. Their kiss from that night at the pitch. It hung in the air between them, covering such a long distance and all the fans in between. James yearned for it to happen again. To fly to Regulus and take his mouth in his hands and kiss him again without caring who was watching. He was frozen to the spot.
Regulus turned around and walked away. James supposed some fantasies would never come true even if they were real. James only got to kiss Regulus in the dead of the night when nobody watched, never during the day around people. Everything they had seemed to only exist in James's head. Never to be seen by the light of day, not in this lifetime.
En kaadhal puriyalaya
(If you can't understand my love)
Un nashtam anbe po
(It's your loss, love, go)
In the entirety of James's life, the biggest struggle he'd ever experienced wouldn't be the heartbreak that he was currently going through but hiding it from Sirius. James thought that hiding his relationship, his happiness, the fact there's some warmth to that icy exterior of Sirius's brother that James got to explore would be the worst thing ever. It doesn't even hold a candle to how devastating hiding his heartbreak is.
Sirius noticed. And perhaps, that was the biggest thing of all. Because Sirius was actively asking James what was wrong and James pretended he was fine. It hurt Sirius so much to know that James was hiding something from him and there wasn't a single thing James could do about it. Hurting Sirius like this after everything Sirius had been through made James so guilty that he couldn't sleep sometimes. The guilt ate away at him more than anything else in this situation.
The thing is, James had learned how to pretend to be fine early in his life. It was second nature. Having his heart broken wasn't something he wanted to hide though. It was so unlike James to want to share his pain with others. It always came second to everyone else's. But James ached and the only thing he wanted to do about it was tell Sirius. And that was precisely the one thing that James couldn't do. James often felt like the universe liked to play tricks on him.
Like now, when Sirius was enthusiastically picking out an outfit for James to wear for his date with Lily to Hogsmeade. James had been dreaming about this date since he was eleven years old. He could stand to be a little more excited about it. But it was the last thing he wanted to do.
Of course, James would be in love with one person for years and she wouldn't look at him twice. When he managed to move past that and find love, he'd get his heart broken. And then she would like him while he was still nursing a broken heart. It was all a bunch of poetic bullshit.
"Stop looking like a kicked puppy and liven up, mate," Remus said as he sat down on the bed next to James, bumping their shoulders together.
"I don't look like a kicked puppy," James argued instantly. Remus gave him an unimpressed look.
"Whoever broke your heart didn't deserve you, James. You have so much love for everyone and everything. You're fucking James Potter. Trust me, it was their loss," Remus whispered to him before getting up and going to annoy Sirius. James didn't even have a chance to tell Remus otherwise.
Was James that obvious? It wasn't the key takeaway here, James knew. And did Remus say they? Did Remus know about this entire thing? Was he purposely not saying anything? Well, that made Remus a great guy but James was in deep shit if people had noticed. How did Remus know?
Remus was a wonderful person. And if he supposedly knew everything, that would make everything he said to be true, wouldn't it? Maybe it was Regulus's loss. James had to think of it that way or he wouldn't survive this first date.
En kanavu kalainthaalum
(Even if my dreams are shattered)
Nee irunthaai anbe po
(You were there, love, go)
"Thank you, Lily. I had a really good time with you," James said with a smile. Despite everything, it was true. James liked spending time with Lily. It was easy.
"Bye, James," Lily said as she blushed wildly and walked off to her dorm.
Before Sirius could find him and pester him for details, James left for the Quidditch pitch. It was late but nobody else would be out flying at this hour, which was the perfect reason for James to take a leisurely flight. James wanted to relax and think.
Thinking wasn't James's forte. It didn't help that all his thoughts led to Regulus. James felt guilty for taking Lily out on dates when she wasn't privy to all his relationships. It felt wrong. More than that though, James was stuck on the thought that Regulus had felt right. How could a love like that, never meant to survive, feel perfect? James was struggling to wrap his mind around it but it nagged him that he couldn't understand it.
James had felt electric with Regulus. James had been on top of the world. He had loved with every fibre of his being and it felt like the most exhilarating experience ever. Like flying. James had been so caught up in it. He had dreamed of a world with just them. James had lived it for a while too.
The worst part was that he missed it all. Shouldn't it fill him with burning hatred and rage that Regulus fucked him over like that? Surely, James should have been screaming in horror the moment he realised Regulus had the mark. It had been the worst thing to do ever. And Regulus had apologised, over and over again. Regulus cared but he had still fucked this up beyond repair.
So why did James want it back? So, why was James finding it so hard to move on and just be with Lily? Why was James still so desperately in love with Regulus Black? Why did James miss him?
James didn't know. And that left him reeling.
Nee thotta idamellam
(Everywhere you touched)
Erikirathu anbe po
(burns, love, go)
Regulus is vaguely aware that he's having a panic attack. He's experienced them before. He's seen it with Sirius more times than he should have. So, he recognises the signs. Regulus has absolutely zero control over his body. He only just managed to find a bathroom to break down inside before the tears started. His breathing wasn't right and his chest was definitely pushing inside somehow. He couldn't make sense of any of his surroundings and the tears won't stop.
Barty had been picking on a third year Gryffindor while Regulus stood off to the side with a cigarette in hand, watching lazily. He didn't care enough to put a stop to it. Sirius and James had been the ones who had walked in and seen it.
Sirius was quick to diffuse the situation. He sent an angry hex at Barty, comforted the student and then made the boy send a hex at a frozen Barty to give him some much needed courage and reassurance. Regulus's cigarette burned down to the filter just as Barty unfroze. He put a hand on Barty's shoulder and tried to walk away with him before he could make the situation worse.
Barty shrugged it off and began sending spells at Sirius. They were full on duelling in the middle of the corridor. Regulus watched, wincing when a slicing hex hit Sirius's arm and shrieking as he moved away when Barty almost fell on top of him from the impact of one of Sirius's spells. Barty was met with the floor instead.
Sirius was on him in a second. Barty's wand had fallen out of his hand. Sirius abandoned his own in favour of punching Barty like a muggle. They were having a fucking fist fight. Regulus and James had the same idea of pulling them apart at seemingly the same time.
It all went wrong the moment James's hand touched his as they both pulled on Sirius's shoulder. James froze like he had done that day, months ago now. Regulus, on the other hand, burned. How could a touch like this, one accidental brush done out of necessity, elicit such a response from Regulus? Regulus could feel James's hands everywhere on him in that one second. Regulus lifted his hand away instantly, leaving James to pull Sirius from Barty all on his own.
Professor Flitwick had arrived at the scene a second later and they were pulled apart and given detentions for their unruly and violent behaviour. Points were deducted. Regulus saw all this through some outside lens. He was still struck dumb by James's touch. It had felt so good and so terrible and so fucking painful all at the same time.
Regulus had fled the scene in record time. Barty was the one who found him in the bathroom, face red and crying. He put a hand on Regulus's shoulder comfortingly, saying something that Regulus didn't pay attention to. Regulus flinched away from the contact. He cried harder.
Everywhere burned. Because James had touched him everywhere. Nobody else could touch him again without Regulus thinking of James. Even touch had been taken away from him. Regulus felt like all those memories of James's touches were crawling out of his skin, tearing and biting at it to gain freedom. It was so painful that Regulus would have screamed if he could have taken a breath long enough to let out. Regulus's skin was on fire from James's phantom touches. He'd never recover.
Nan pogum nimidanghal
(The minutes I spend away)
Unkaaghum anbe po
(Are for you, love, go)
James forced himself to spend more time with Lily. It was only natural that they would take up each other's first and only priorities as Hogwarts' newest and most talked about couple. Head Boy and Head Girl. Quidditch Captain and academic genius. Meant for each other since the first train ride to Hogwarts in first year together.
James knew that most of those things were only in his mind and in the mouths of many gossipers in the halls of Hogwarts. It had to be real, of course. Was it, though? Maybe it was, on Lily's part anyway. Not for James.
No, James was good at making himself do things. For other's sake, really. Lily liked James quite a lot, and after years of openly pining after her, it felt wrong to let down her expectations. So, James spent more time with her because she wanted it and she enjoyed it.
It also made Regulus scathingly jealous. James knew this because of the looks Regulus sent Lily. Regulus rarely ever interacted with Lily. He had no reason to. But if and when they were in the same room, even if it wasn't obvious to anyone else, Regulus sent Lily the most disgustingly jealous looks. A few months ago, James would have found it hot.
Now, James maybe still found it hot but he also thought it was good. If Regulus was angry and jealous, maybe he wouldn't be as heartbroken as he had been that night or the first few weeks after their breakup. James knew Regulus had practically been killing himself back then. He didn't show up for meals and the bags under his eyes spoke much louder than he did. So, maybe James spent more time with Lily for Regulus's sake. James told himself that it would help Regulus move on.
Secretly, James was hoping that it would help him move on. And maybe it did, James didn't know. What did moving on feel like? Was it enough that he completely avoided all thoughts of Regulus or did Regulus's touch have to be purged from his skin and erased from his mind?
Because James couldn't stop himself from aching for Regulus. It made him feel sick sometimes, defeated other times. Either way, James didn't think he was doing the whole moving on thing right. But it was very much like James to fuck up the important things in his life. He gave himself some extra grace on the hard days. Maybe that was why James couldn't move on.
James was good at pretending, though. An expert, really. So, James had already moved on. In fact, he never even had another relationship. Lily Evans had been the love of his life since he met her at eleven. They were meant to be. James was at least partially sure of this fact.
Ithu vendaam anbe po
(Don't let this happen, love, go)
Nijam thedum penne po
(Truth searching girl, go)
Regulus was walking away from the Great Hall after having an early breakfast, like always, when someone grabbed his wrist in a corridor and turned him around. It was Sirius. Regulus didn't know what to do with his brother, the traitor. He hated both. He also loved both. Can't Regulus catch a fucking break?
"What do you want, Sirius?" Regulus snapped, shaking his hand to make Sirius let go.
"To talk," Sirius said, voice unbelievably even. It was like he was trying extra hard to control himself. Regulus wanted to see that control break. He wanted to be far away from this situation more.
"Well, I don't want to talk to you," Regulus said and turned around, walking away.
"Please, Regulus, wait," Sirius pleaded. "Just give me a minute and listen to me. You have nowhere to be right now."
"Why do you know that, Sirius? Are you stalking me?" Regulus asked pointedly as he turned around to face his brother.
"I'm not," Sirius bit out, voice still far too even for Regulus's liking. It was unlike Sirius to be this composed. "I just wanted to talk to you."
"Well, stop wasting my time and just tell me so I can be off," Regulus said.
"I, I mean, we, me and my friends are joining the Resistance after graduation," Sirius said, looking nervous. That was worse to see than the calmness. 'Me and my friends' obviously included James. Regulus thought he was going to be sick.
"You're fighting in the war?" Regulus blurted out before he could stop himself.
"Yeah, against You-Know-Who. We want to help the cause against his blood purity bullshit," Sirius explained.
You're going to get yourself killed, Regulus thought. Like me.
"What does that have to do with me?" Regulus asked, feigning ignorance.
"You know why I left," Sirius began. It had been because Sirius was asked to join the Dark Lord. "I don't want them to force you into anything like that. You can come to me if that happens. I'll help you."
You're too late, Regulus wanted to tell him.
"I don't want your help, Sirius," Regulus said with venom in his tone. He had to push Sirius away before Sirius got too close and found out about the Mark already on Regulus's arm.
Sirius sighed, "I know but if you ever did, you can come find me."
"I'm not going to," Regulus said before turning around and walking away. Nobody stopped him this time.
Regulus was definitely going to be sick. He walked for as long as he could manage around the castle until finding a bathroom that was in an abandoned corner and was rarely used. Sirius and James were fighting in the war for the Resistance.
Regulus had planned to die at the hands of some Resistance fighter. Now he had to face the reality that it might be his brother or the love of his life. Regulus couldn't stomach it.
How could James be the exact opposite of Regulus? Did he really not have any sense of self-preservation? Regulus already knew Sirius didn't. Going to fight in a war at seventeen when he had a whole future ahead of him, like a madman. The whole lot of Sirius and his friends were insane. And Regulus had fallen in love with one. And then gotten his heart broken, irreparably shattered.
The only consolation in all this was that James would be as far away from Regulus as possible in almost every way. It wasn't much of a consolation at all.
Of course, James had to be so fucking innately good that he'd be prepared to martyr himself as a child soldier in a war that was most definitely designed to kill him. And Regulus had to have fallen in love with him. Fate is cruel, Mother would say. Regulus had never related to that more.
Uyirodu vilaiyaada
(To play with life)
Vidhi seidhaai anbe po
(You decided, love, go)
James was stupid. He was heartbroken and betrayed and the most stupid and idiotic person to ever exist. He didn't come to this realisation until the school year was over. He joined the order, went on his first mission with Sirius and did not return the same. James almost wished the stupidity was because he had willingly signed up for war. Although, that seemed to be a very stupid decision as well, considering how many near death situations he will find himself in, that wasn't quite it.
No, James was stupid for letting Regulus go. James wished he said that with the context as Regulus is a catch; James would never love someone the same again; losing Regulus was earth shatteringly heartbreaking. All these things were true. But that was not why James was stupid.
James was stupid because he let Regulus go and be a death eater. He was sixteen. Underage. He was likely abused and forced by his parents to make that decision. He had apologised. He said sorry far too many times. Regulus was remorseful for his actions. James had taken it to mean that Regulus was apologising for betraying him, breaking his heart. But what if Regulus had been regretting the decision to take the mark? What if Regulus wanted nothing more than to take it back?
James would never know now. Because he'd never see Regulus again. And Regulus was a child death eater, a pawn in a war that was so much bigger than him. He must have been just as frightened as James when the first spells began raining at his first mission, if not more. Regulus would have seen worse, wouldn't he? Torture? Death? What if he had to do it? What if it happened to him?
James Potter was stupid and he'd never forgive himself for being so stupid that he didn't try harder to stop Regulus from becoming who he did. Maybe Regulus would never have listened to James. But James didn't know now. James never tried. James should have tried until he died.
Because in a war, as children, only two things would happen. Either you survive the death and destruction around you to become traumatised and irreparably broken or you die. And if either happened to Regulus, James didn't know how he would forgive himself. Because if there was anyone, in those few months before Regulus took the mark, who could have changed Regulus's mind, it would have been James. And James had been so blind.
James had had a hand in leading Regulus to his own destruction indirectly, and that realisation was what finally fully broke James.
War wasn't a playground for teenagers fresh out of school.
James had made his friends agree to fight for the Order. His parents had been the only ones in the order. Not Peter's or Remus's and definitely not Sirius and Lily. It had been the right thing. Fighting against You-Know-Who was necessary. But now? What would happen if one of them died? James didn't even want to think about it.
What if Regulus died?
James would probably die too.
James wouldn't die of heartbreak. He already had his heartbroken months ago. James would die of guilt.
James would die without knowing if he ever really had a chance to prevent Regulus from being a death eater, or saving him once he had taken the mark.
Maybe death would be better than whatever this torture was.