Chapter Text
“Bless me Father for I have sinned”
It's been 1551 days since Jack left the Island. 4 years since he was relying on his senses to try to stay alive. Back then silence meant safety, noise was alarming.
Now everything is noise.
Even the hum of the fluorescent lights is too much. The world is too bright, too crowded, too close. He can't filter any of it out. That was the hardest adjustment when he came back, the volume of it all. And so he turned to the only other place where he was guaranteed silence.
Jack wouldn't consider himself a religious person. Not really. He sang in the church choir because his parents wanted him too. He memorized all the prayers because they expected him too. He tried to be the kind of son they could be proud of.
He isn't sure they ever noticed.
The church is quiet in the way the rest of the world isn't. When Jack sits three rows back on the left aisle he has the perfect view of the stained-glass window depicting Jesus holding the lamb of God- whose eyes always seemed to follow him.
As if they know.
It makes him uneasy.
Nowadays this pew is where he spends most of his time, kneeling below the altar, his hands clasped so tightly together his knuckles ached. It wasn't exactly on purpose, he just always seemed to wander back to the church. At this point it was almost automatic.
Jack is selfish. He has known this for a long time. Teachers said it when he wouldn't share with classmates, friends muttered it when he chose himself over them, even on the Island he-
…
While other people might come to church to light a candle for the sick, or whisper a prayer for their families, Jack kneels on the cold stone of the floor and prays only for himself.
“Please God forgive me. Cleanse my soul for I have sinned. Make me good. Make me normal.”
The confession seems so big, so loud, that he barely whispers it under his breath. His words already feel like a sin itself. He just hopes God hears it anyway.
Every time he prays it's as if every awful thing he has done rises up inside him like smoke. It crawls from his stomach through his chest into his throat. It sits in his body and burns. His mouth fills with the taste of ash.
“Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.”
If he can be cleaned. If whatever carved itself into him got scrubbed out then maybe the noise can stop.
“Blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.”
Rosary beads hang around his neck. He was never taught how to use them properly, never learnt which bead meant which prayer but the concept of them is comforting to him. They rest against the center of his chest like a mark. A reminder of devotion and of sin.
“Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners”
Jack closes his eyes when he prays. When he closes them he blocks out the memories of a raging fire scorching half the island. Of the breathless chases, the hunts, and the thing they called a monster. Of a boulder soaring through the air. And of a boy with messy blond hair and how his blue eyes looked at him.
“Now and at the hour of our death. Amen.”
The words feel like a verdict once he whispers them, emptying sourly from his mouth.
When Jack is finished praying he sits in silence in the stillness of the church, waiting for an answer.
Nothing ever comes.
☆
Once he came back from the island, his parents had opted to switch schools since the reputation of his school went down after the incident. And to Jack’s parents, reputation meant everything. It seemed they cared more about that than their son coming back alive after months of being presumed dead.
But by the time he had officially moved schools a while later, his new school was already aware about the whole ordeal of him being one of those boys from the island, which made him interesting for about 2 weeks before the students moved on to gossip about the next big story. He never really clicked with any of the boys from his new school St George’s Abbey, and he had lost contact with all of his friends from his old school. Last he heard Roger had gotten expelled last year and had moved down the country. He hadn't seen or heard from Maurice since the island.
It's funny how much something can change in such a short time.
Jack sat alone in most classes. He had given up trying to make friends about 3 months after arriving at the school. He attempted to befriend some boys from their school’s choir but no one took him seriously, a problem he wasn't used to dealing with. Not at school anyway. He honestly didn't care that he was alone. It gave him silence. Something he has slowly grown to love over the years. And it's not like he wanted to be friends with the boys regardless of his attempts. If they didn't want to listen to him then he would rather be on his own.
That is why he is sitting by himself, at the back of his history classroom, focusing on the rhythm of the ticking from the clock hung up on the wall, drowning out the sounds of the professor at the top of the class talking about God knows what, and the different sounds from the students. The tap of a leg against the floor, the whispering between friends, the constant scratch of fountain pens- which some boys have been getting as presents recently- on their writing paper. Jack wishes it was easier to block all the noises out but it's like a constant banging of drums in his ears. He almost didn't hear a teacher walk into the room, calling out for his name.
“Jack? Is there a Jack Merridew in this class?”
A few eyes darted back to him, and he immediately straightened his back, barely even registering what was going on and to be honest not really caring either.
“You're needed at reception Jack. Best bring your things”
Jack could feel eyes on him as he packed his bag. Boys don't really get taken out of class often unless they're in trouble. Even with that, since it's a boarding school, they'd normally find you in a hallway or call for you during your free time.
Jack didn't think he'd done anything wrong. He absentmindedly clutched his rosary beads while strolling down the corridor towards the reception. He hadn't gotten in a fight, he'd done all his homework, he's polite to all the teachers- although that's because he's scared of most grown-ups but he'd never admit that. He had no idea what it could possibly be about.
He sat outside the office on a waiting chair. There were adults talking on the other side of the door. Jack couldn't make out what they were saying and his mind kept jumping from one thing to another. Was he expelled? Did something happen at home? Had he done something bad? Something wrong?
The door opened and the counselor let him in. Jack only made it to the entrance of the door before freezing entirely. He didn't mean to but it felt as if his body refused to go any further. His eyes were met with a pair of blue ones staring back at him.
Ralph
He couldn't believe it. Sitting in front of him was Ralph. Ralph who he had not seen since the boat ride from the island 4 years ago. Ralph who had been there, who had witnessed Jack and how he had acted. The room felt as if it was shrinking. Jack felt his rosary beads plaster cold to his skin. Our Father, who art in heaven-
He couldn't remember the rest.
They locked eyes, staring at each other and all of a sudden he was back on the island meeting this boy for the very first time. He made all the memories come flooding back in, regardless of how much Jack has trained to suppress them through the years. It took Ralph one look to tear it all down. It was unfair. Frightening, even.
Neither moved. Jack couldn't bring himself to break eye contact no matter how hard he tried.
What was he doing here?! After all this time. Jack had been good.He was well behaved, he went to church, he kept his head down, he never got angry. So why is he being punished like this? Had he not already been punished enough? Was this a test of his devotion, his loyalty?
He wasn't sure. All he knew was that he'd definitely have to repent later.