Chapter Text
It felt like a tomb Harry wondered if this is what that's how Sirius felt about being surrounded by his mother. His family was the remnant of the Black's without any reminder of what was good in this world. No spark of Hogwarts, just a pure reminder of the grave every second that ticked by reminded Harry he was gone. Every room carried his scent that was fading and every room that stopped smelling like him made Harry want to cry reminding him that he was dead. That he wouldn't have him anymore to cry on, seek comfort in that scent of smoke to remember the joy of him at his most wild with a scent of wild musk. More and more he smells himself or others he couldn't believe he was truly gone just a single spell and through the veil he was taken from Harry.
His family his connection to the Wizarding World he felt numb, not even anguish because it felt like all he did was lose people he loved and never gained something worth it. The room he was in smelled less like Sirius anymore and more like a reminder of the new Harry. Really, he didn't feel different, but that smell and scent were ones that everyone around him used to change plans. He could smell his own it reminded him of vanilla and honey even then that didn't quite hit the notes he was smelling. Tonka is what Mafalda said it was and peppermint it felt like a Christmas treat so frivolous not the smell of someone who belonged in a war.
An omega that's what he was as the end of the last year approached the stress and loss of someone so close and dear to him awoke inside him an omega that's what he was to people. Not just the order who in some way a part of him didn't blame them for being afraid, the sound of Alastor's 'CONSTANT VIGILANCE' rang in his head any time he dwelt too long on the order's paranoia. The one that stung was when even his friends treated him differently; he thought that when all was said and done, his friends would treat him the same as he was still just Harry. That was supposed to be what they were to him constants that would stick by him through everything.
Yet Ron presented over the summer where now he had this intensity to him which was unmistakably obsessive. Need to protect Harry, the smell of cedar and barley it didn't smell right to Harry something was off about his scent to Harry. How nice would that have been if he had Ron as an Alpha that would have been easy and Harry knew he couldn't have it easy. The one that didn't entirely surprise him was Hermione she didn't baby Harry. However she wasn't above keeping things from Harry for his safety, heavy with her reassurances on necessity. Given that the wafting air of vetiver and bergamot focuses concentrated with not a single tentative note a better description of her as an alpha was unwavering. She didn't smell quite right either not that it would have worked ideally as it would have been to have her as an alpha. After Cho, he had come to understand there was nothing he wanted that girls could entirely give him.
When the last year ended and he was no longer just a boy but now had a toe placed into the larger world and not one of a Delta or Alpha. It was decided something had be different about what they did with him in a way that was a relief no Dursleys, they seemed not to want to risk a variable with a Muggle alpha. If he thought that being in Grimmauld over the summer was better than what he would have had in Privet Drive he was correct and very wrong. How quickly he was able to learn it was a different hell one almost worse for how it was by people that cared, managed, controlled, and kept away. Meant to allow time to cope and that's what kept coming out of their mouths, not even with Remus was there an escape from some kind of managing. No, what was someone he felt like was a rock was no better he was avoidant and coddled Harry wanting to keep Harry safe and away.
Diversions were his constant Harry tried to find a hole in this, but everyone was stubbornly refusing to open that wound no matter what Harry did. It was not what Harry wanted; he needed to ask about Sirius about who he was, to find out all he could think of to make Sirius feel more real and more in touch with the man he was but all he got was cold reminder he was no longer here. Poorly covered in Remus's scent of attempted soothing of sandalwood and chamomile this attempt at solidity and calm it felt weak and anemic. Why couldn't he just understand, why couldn't any of them understand what he needed? He needed Sirius he felt like he was staring at more and more of his family's graves than the people that were in them. Names and dates when they left him not the people behind them, no reason to mourn he wasn't allowed to have everyone just expected him to mourn ideas not the people behind them.
He was not alone in that coddling Molly Weasley was such a necessary part of that but unlike anyone else much as he felt choked by her. The warm scent of Molly with her words and motherly intent made Harry feel better in ways even if it left him when she did. She seemed to understand what he was feeling and how empty he felt trying to live in a world without Sirius. He didn't feel angry at her it was just not enough for him, he needed something more and far better than comfort and coddling. She meant too well she meant too much to him a mother he never had. She was better than most she remembered at the end of the day Harry was alone in the world. Much as she made up for being a mother, it didn't make what he felt any less empty and vacillating as if she was basic gauze on a necrotic wound.
He felt like she was the only one who didn't smother him in her scent of beeswax and wool maybe she had a better understanding than anyone how to cope with loss. She spoke of her brothers sometimes it helped, but it wasn't what he wanted. It was something to hear of Fabian and Gideon the single spark was that Fabian and Sirius were close before the war took them. It was the only thing that showed she knew what he wanted more than anything was Sirius the person. The problem was that she couldn't solely focus on Harry, because there was an entire house full of people that needed her and she could not focus on Harry much as needed it.
His curiosity was not just about Sirius but about what he was as an omega, what it meant, and why it was so important. He got the idea rather quickly he was to be protected more than just being Harry Potter meant that he was to be protected. What it meant had not come to him yet even with his heat he had a single experience that told him little, if anything it raised more questions. All it did was make him feel empty, wanting, needy, and grasping for someone that wasn't quite there. Nobody would talk about it Molly wasn't sure how to phrase it and got distracted by a thousand other things. Whenever the topic would stray to what it meant to be an omega, Remus stonewalled and did everything to make Harry focus on easier things even if he felt like that all those things did was make him desperately want to just understand. If only someone would tell him something anything he could be satisfied and focus elsewhere, but no.
Ron and Hermione were not helpful either, not for lack of it they were just busy the entire Summer training either with Dumbledore, Moody, or Kingsley. He even tried seeking out Kingsley in conversation, he found out Shacklebolt wasn't even his name it was a nickname he got for being a dangerously effective Auror. His name was actually Marrow but that didn't go anywhere he appreciated Harry, considered him worthy of such advice but felt that he wasn't that person for Harry. Hermione and Ron's few clipped responses were to read up on it or he will figure it out usually before passing out or leaving with Dumbledore or with Snape. He got the idea where his presentation left him what he was now and what he was as an omega. Ron and Hermione were brought in to replace him, which stung a little but their insistence that it didn't make him weak just different.
The closest true answer he got was from Kreacher, who told him
"Master Potter has issues? Yes issues like his Mistress had issues. Kreacher remembers those days fondly, helping take care of the mistress. Master Potter will see this pass." Kreacher spoke with that haunted cadence of his.
It wasn't exactly precise, but it was enough to tell Harry that this constant state of protection, weakness, and coddling would pass. However, it was August and he still had not a single clue when it would end he was still treated as a fragile flower that would break in the wind. If it was temporary, it must be relative to the rest of his life because it stretched on and on. He would get reassurances and the one who most insisted on it was Dumbledore who was always quick to calm Harry in his insistence on what he could do. He was the first to do so when his well what Harry felt like he was being viewed as engaging in ' another one of his tantrums' now. Though Dumbledore did not deny him his anger as it caused his presentation in the first place. He was both exceptionally forgiving and reassuring, yet frustratingly vague and mysterious. Not telling Harry what he was doing or what his friends were doing, only the assurance that he was doing as was necessary for Harry, and that he would see that soon.
Those late-night training or lessons sometimes requiring them to leave Grimmauld Place, why were they sworn to secrecy? He was to fight in this war one day, too hopefully it felt like every day that passed that offer was just something to distract him and keep him busy. Not that he lacked for study and training he was still a sixth year to be, he was still doing lots of work with his wand. Though of course, even that had to go awry it felt wrong in his hand he can't possibly need a new wand could he? He tried to find a basic description of gender but there really wasn't anything of the sort basically a ghost. Oh study of gender certainly but a basic description of them was not found, it was as if the information was so basic it would be like having a book teaching one how to breathe. When he did see Dumbledore he just reassured Harry in a way that both did for a brief second keep him stable. That would also fade as he left his patience wearing thin and that he wanted something more than vague platitudes bellowed in his ear.
He even tried members of the order he didn't remember speaking to much the only one who would treat him like he wasn't a child was Mafalda. While she was dreadfully busy being a mole in the Ministry, a necessity with such a cynical ministry hesitant to work with the order. She was quite good at being their mole she could get anything in the ministry if she wanted she was good at infiltration to a terrifying degree. At least from what he gleaned from his eavesdropping of the meetings, he bristled that he was kept out of meetings often about him. She was also the only person who when she had the time told him of anything out there ongoing issues, attacks, murders, disappearances and what they were hoping to do. Nothing he could do about but she didn't think to hide him from the world.
She had such a tiny subtle scent oat straw and rain she said she was an omega but even when he smelled her scent it was as if she was scentless. She moved as if she was never really there a scent so forgettable you wouldn't acknowledge her forget she was there. He liked her a lot and found himself going to her when he could. That and Tonks who was one of the few other people who distracted him by understanding how to actually distract him and even talked about gender in the way she did. Saying that if he feels confused about what he is and what it means for him she can understand that much. Even if she's a delta as a Metamorphagus its hard to feel like anything at all, any one description of her feels wrong with body and scent shifting.
The other respite was an extremely unexpected one. While one day having tea, he shared it with a man who seemed as old as Dumbledore Elphias Doge was his name. He was in fact a friend of Dumbledore's from his school days he smelled like old paper and the slightest hint of something faded. He said he and Dumbledore were friends but not of the same house, he was a Ravenclaw he didn't have people like Dumbledore to look up to at first. His first inspiration was a 6th-year Ravenclaw who helped him in his 1st year acclimate named Everett Clopton. He went on a bit about his years with Hogwarts, was it what he wanted with Sirius? No but it was something happy in a place that seemed obsessed with stewing in misery and cynicism. Elphias seemed to be the only person willing to find what sparks of good there still were.
"I have been on this earth for 115 years I have seen both Wizarding wars, a Goblin Rebellion, and a muggle war that the damned fools of the ministry found a way to be a part of." That woul get him to prattle on for a bit. "This is not the first war I've lived through and I don't plan on it being my last and what I've done in every one of these wars is find what spots of gentility and domesticity that can be found or otherwise one would be better served in St. Mungos." He spoke with a bit of smug humor.
He was charming a little funny and secure but he was also just as dreadfully busy as any other. These little moments meant a lot but they weren't enough they weren't common enough to make the days any less full of drudgery and empty. He still felt like something was missing that he was drowning in misery. He was being swallowed by a darkness that would never leave him what was not helping were these nightmares he kept having of what he heard over the wireless. The stories and atrocities of what was happening while he sat inside coping with his body made him feel like a bastard.
It was the exact kind of thing that reminded him of who took Sirius from him how he wanted to destroy Bellatrix if every they were to cross paths again. He would have the strength to cast the Cruciatus curse and make her feel an ounce of hatred and feel every agony he's felt since. A part of him wondered if he could do to her what she did to Neville's parents that would feel good to watch her break as she breaks others. That was tempting is all it was enticing and much as it was all he wanted to do he wasn't a dark wizard,was he? He read the daily prophet when it wasn't snatched and thrown in the fire more dead, more attacks, a resurgent Voldemort more panic and reassurances from the minister.
'All will be well, we will hold firm as we once did and as we always have. You-Know-Who fell once before he was defeated he is not invincible we will not act like he is and refuse to do so. We built upon what he tried to destroy there is no reason to believe we can't endure once more. Panic solves nothing and hysteria of moles in the ministry are unfounded nonsensical do you no good to give into baseless conspiracies from the idle mouths.'
He had to admit this about Rufus Scrimgeour he had more than a way with words more than Fudge ever had granted that wasn't much a compliment. Fudge seemed to be unable to do anything but waffle and patter his way through one speech after another what use was that man? Scromgeour at least seemed to take the idea of Voldemort seriously it couldn't be said he was any better at actually addressing the issue seeming as feckless as any other. Maybe there was something more fundamentally wrong with the ministry than Fudge. That would at least explain why exactly the issue endured no matter who was minister Scrimgeour and Fudge seemed like the same person in different robes.
Maybe there was never any hope from the Ministry and all Rufus did was offer an Illusion of one. Harry wasn't sure politics as much as he did pick up was never his expertise. It was better than dealing with training he couldn't do well mostly. Moody was more than insistent that he keep to the training of what he could still do he was not able to act as he once did but he would still train. Do not bother him with anything more he has a army to raise, train, and organize That's all that repeated from that man and yet with all this talk of armies and battle he was still supposed to act as if nothing changed. Like he was going to be able to relax and focus on another year at Hogwarts. How the hell was he supposed to do even that?
He tried once more to find someone Ginny was as busy if not more so she wasn't anything he had come to know or expect from her. She was now a 5th year and far more than he ever expected of her She was taller than firm and stronger than him it felt like. She no longer had this energy of nervousness around him she seemed at times amused by Harry in ways that frustrated him. What was so funny about him it was a reaction that stuck out after all that he's gone through over the summer. She insisted it wasn't anything wrong it was just something about Harry now that was funny that was hard to explain. Even asking her to explain beyond that earned him nothing more than a clipped response absolutely annoying if all honest.
At least she did have the decency to do things with Harry and even do spell work with harry so he at least wasn't so constantly alone. He tried the twins next he wasn't able to find George which was odd he was the one he expected to be easier to find, but he was able to find Fred. who was exactly the kind of mood to lighten Harry up and distract him from the war, from isolation, from sirius, and from his lack of context for anything. Along with Ginny he could count it as a distraction. Yet without George something was missing he couldn't exactly pinpoint on what it was that that wasn't there without George. Until Ginny said George was always the more serious and quiet of the two, which explained it Fred had no one to bounce his schtick off of.
"He's probably focused more on work or the war knowing him, he doesn't like to be so idle. He always wans to be making progress pushing things forward he always wants to be exploring new ideas. To give you an idea I know Mum told me that there was worry that the twins would be split during the sorting as there was a chance George would be sorted into Ravenclaw" Ginny explained rather simply.
"Wait really? How I've never seen a weasley not sorted into Gryffindor isn't that like a law or something?" Harry giggled.
"Nah not really, I was actually almost sorted into Hufflepuff only barely wasn't I think it realized I needed Gryffindor more" Ginny admitted with a bit of a sheepish grin.
"No way you a badger? I can't even imagine what you'd be like…probably still the same honestly…" Harry mused with faux contemplative face.
Even good things have to end as soon Ginny and Fred were taken away from him and sent to do more important tasks. Alone again it felt like every time he had something reliable which would make him feel so much less alone and isolated it was snatched from him. No matter what he did all he ended up with was feeling even more steeped in isolation for want of something to do. He tried to surround himself in maybe making his training and reading more focused yet nothing felt right. He tried to even move away from the usual types of magic as there was many different types of duelists out there and Harry could try out which one fit him.
All that did was remind him his wand wasn't his anymore there was no dancing around it anymore Harry's holly wand did nothing for him anymore. He was losing connection to so much there has to be something that was still him in this world something to cling onto. Anything that can shake him from it all he was sometimes up at night tearing his hair out trying to think of a reason to keep going. Which only made his mornings worse, he tried to fill silence with noise of music but it made it worse music reminded Harry of Sirius of how he would fill the house with noise. It was driving him further into madness and nobody noticed so desperate to manage and corral Harry. Not a thing was done for how he felt all this searching and seeking just made him feel more alone. He wanted someone to feel like they cared and wanted him anything to make this emptiness inside him finally end.
Then a promise and offer something to give him an escape the term for Hogwarts was approaching soon. That meant one thing Diagon Alley yes it was perfect it felt like he could cry it was everything that would take his mind off of the world. Harry would finally be allowed to escape from this house of endless mourning secrets and routine a chance to get a new wand. A chance to finally make sense of the world he could not wait there was bound to be a thousand things out there he could explore find books on his body even. He began to move through his spell work a little easier his routine had far less of the airs of someone condemned to prison. More someone that knew there was a life out there that there was something worth living for each minute ticked by till relief.
Harry was counting down the days closer and closer he spoke to Mafalda with less emptiness, He didn't feel as pressured in his lessons. When speaking to Molly and Remus he was feeling like there was a none of that tension Remus was happy to see Harry no longer lost to the world. This was such a good positive feeling for Harry that it made his entire day just being reminded no more being cooped up that Harry should have smelled a rat. Because as he was looking through his clothes he spoke to Mafalda about this and a death sentence laid before him.
"Oh Harry I'm sorry but you won't be going to Diagon Alley. The order considers it dangerous right now. We will get your supplies for you." Mafalda gave a sympathetic eye should could tell what this meant to Harry.
"I-" Harry felt the world dull his ears ringing"
"If you were wanting a new wand I am sure that you can get one when you get to Hogsmede but until you get there. You will be staying here with Molly and Elphias they are the ones that seem to keep you the most calm, Which with most of the order gone it was thought you could use the time away from pressure and just relax" Mafalda was lying trying desperately to word what was in actuality a lack of trust in the boy leaving the safehouse.
No, it had to be wrong was he ever going to be freed? He had to find something anything in this charade of his life this had to end. This holding there had to be something somewhere to help Harry find what he was looking somewhere he didn't care what anymore. There had to be a point to this life beyond just waiting and being smothered by loss. Something to Sirus, something to explain what was going on his body and head. It didn't matter it can't matter anything more than this anything is all it would take. Harry will find the answer nothing mattered more than finding answers, then a little pop next to him.
"Master Potter is leaking distress all over the house, What is it Kreacher will help this" Kreacher sounded both annoyed and insistent.
"I need something anything to escape all of this control, The order treats me like a child but expects me to one day fight in this war. I am expected to understand myself but no one will tell me what I am expected to lead myself through this mist as if the light is obvious and i just have to go a little bit farther and I'll find the right path out of this" Harry was trying not to scream he was sp very close to losing it.
"Master Potter be willing to do anything?" Kreacher spoke with a voice tinged with intrigue.
"Yes I don't care what it is anymore i can't stand this tomb anymore." Harry said eyes manic.
"Kreacher has this keys to rooms that Mistress said to keep safe they hold family secrets one that may help…but Kreacher can't just give it." Kreacher says in a hoarse sing-song.
"Why not?" Harry hisses.
"Kreacher needs to know if Master Potter will betray the Mistress and send these traitors and trespassers into rooms?" Kreacher says with eyes full of suspiscion.
"No Kreacher I won't, I want to get as far away from them if I am at all honest," Harry said trying to calm his breathing.
"Then Master Potter can have the key…do not share it, Kreacher will not hesitate to lock them again if Master Potter is lying to Kreacher." Kreacher dropped a black key in Harry's hand the threat direct and clear.