Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Title: Cheer Me Up
Type: Oneshot
Characters: Infinite, mentions of managers, Sungyeol’s mother, Daeyeol and Moonsoo.
Pairing: Myungsoo/Sungyeol
Rating: PG-15
Warnings: hasn’t been proofread, really slow moving story, self harm, character death, anti-climatic
Length: ~21,100
Prompt: from myungyeol_love challenge: #15 - Sleep
A/N: A lot of assumptions here. Such as soundproof walls, a training room in their dorm so they can practice, 2 bathrooms divided accordingly by rooms…and the list goes on. Don’t know how it ended up this lengthy ==” I had originally wanted to keep it sweet and short.

Sungyeol sits up and wakes up screaming his head off, his eyes stare into nothing but blackness. He takes his eye mask off.

And then the room is suddenly bright when the lights are turned on.

Sungyeol’s eyes dilate as he grips tightly onto his blankets, he could feel a cold sweat running down his back.

“Yah, can’t you be quiet?” Myungsoo complains angrily as he plops himself into his burrow of blankets, “we do want some peace and quiet rest you know?”

“Sorry”, Sungyeol gets up and drags his blankets and pillow out of the room he was sharing with Dongwoo, Myungsoo and their manager. He too was dead tired and really wasn’t in the mood to deal with cranky members. He turns the light off for Myungsoo and closes the door, he then plops himself on the couch, still trying to control his breathing.

“What’s going on? We could hear you from the other room”, Howon asks as he heads to the kitchen and takes a glass of water from Woohyun.

“Sungyeol, you alright? That was a really loud scream”, Woohyun adds as Sunggyu and Sungjong walk out of their respective shared rooms to wonder what all the commotion was all about.

Sungyeol shakes his head, closes his eyes from all the inquisitive stares, folds his legs towards his chest and buries his head into his arms that were hugging his legs, “nothing, it’s nothing. I think I’ll sleep out here tonight.” And he had thought that the walls were supposed to be soundproof.

His members shrug their shoulders, each shooting questioning glances at each other, as though someone there knew the something Sungyeol wasn’t telling them.

Sighing, Sungyeol brings his head up and smiles warily at his members before he makes himself more comfortable on the couch, pulling the blanket to cover his face.

The members blink a little stupidly, smiling back and then they all put their ear phones back on and trudge back to their beds.

Sungyeol can’t sleep. His skin was sticky from sweat, and the distractingly emptiness of the living room is haunting, peeking past his blankets, he notices that their manager finally got out of the bathroom and then went to bed, but not before he shot, Sungyeol assumed, a curious stare at the him who was lying on the couch.

He doesn’t sleep. He watches the way he breathes and listens to his own heartbeat as he waits for the time to wake to come. Sungyeol is troubled with thoughts he doesn’t want to think about, and when they turn around a corner to submerge in something darker than black, something colder than ice yet still warm with the texture of blood, Sungyeol rolls around, clenches his fists and bites his lips. It didn’t make sense. He can’t scream. He’s already over the initial shock, so he lets out a whimper of pain and anguish. His cheeks are damp.

Sungyeol sighs and hopes that his skin would bear through the dampness without breaking into pimples.

An hour before everyone usually gets up, Sungyeol is still awake, he sits up, touches his cheeks and wonders if his eyes are swollen. He’s halfway through fixing his blankets when he leaves them, wondering why he was fixing them if he were going to crawl back in later. He fixes them anyway when he realises that he might just not want to crawl back under the blankets. Sungyeol walks into the bathroom to observe his face. His eyes were swollen. His cheeks were pink. He blinks and looks away from his reflection in the mirror.

The people in his room were still in deep slumber. Sungyeol dumps his blankets and pillow aside and then quietly picks out his clothes before he returns to the bathroom deciding that a quick shower was what he needed. His eyes were still swollen. Getting dressed quickly and drying his hair, Sungyeol sighs as he covers his swollen eyes with cream. He didn’t have an explanation for anyone who was going to ask, so he was going to cover it.

In the kitchen, Sungyeol stares at his handy coffee machine before he decides that it’s time for his coffee, even though the sun was not going to rise anytime soon. Taking small sips out of his mug, Sungyeol wonders what he should do so early in the morning. He looks around the dorm, it’s been long enough that he can’t even remember how long it’s been since they moved into the new dorm, but cardboard boxes still littered the dorm, there were still many things to unpack. He thinks that they can just throw it all away, since it’s been long enough for all the essentials to be unpacked.

Still holding his mug of coffee, Sungyeol wanders around the dorm, wondering if he should pull out his drama script and do a bit more practice. And then he remembers that he had already filmed the last for his drama. And he blinks stupidly before he decides that he was going to go train.

And he’s dancing to music that’s playing over and over in his head, he looks at himself in the mirrors that were pasted on three out of four walls. His expression was good. It was normal, he couldn’t even tell himself that he wasn’t feeling well, in the inside, mentally, psychologically, whichever word it was that describes the state he’s currently in. He felt as though he were some kind of colloid.

Sungyeol has noted for the longest time that his dancing is not top notch. It’s an area he desires to work more in. He feels there’s not enough feeling put into it, not enough energy to pinpoint the crux of certain moves. As Sungyeol dances by himself, watching his reflection, he remembers asking Howon for advice before. Some people just have the groove, the distinctness that makes a dance move immediately distinguishable as something that has been well polished.

Sungyeol wonders if it’s the numbness in his heart that’s reflecting in his moves.

Howon tells him it’s because the rest of the group is too short, it’s like watching a giraffe run with a pack of lions. Sungyeol cocks and eyebrow and tells the other he doesn’t understand.

By the time their manager finds him in the training room, Sungyeol’s half finished coffee is already cold. He flashes a smile at their manager and then wipes his face clean of sweat, careful to not touch his eyes.

“It was strange to not see you sleeping”, the manager told Sungyeol, “now that you’re up early, help me go wake the rest, I’ll go make breakfast.”

Sungyeol chuckles and jokes lightly, “what, were you worried that I ran away again?” Sungyeol doesn’t exactly like the phrase ‘run away’, It dampened his mood and made him remember all the times he thought about, and even tried running away from when he was a trainee to now. But it’s not like he’ll ever run away again.

The manager smiles as he watches Sungyeol dash away to go wake up his members.

As Sungyeol caringly woke up each of his members, he thought about how he still felt a little awkward with all of them. It’s been two years, more than two years, reaching three years yet he found that sometimes, he stood out oddly from the group, it was awkward like he didn’t fit in. Still.  It was something that’ll probably fix itself over even more time.

Sitting at the kitchen table with a fresh cup of coffee, Sungyeol watched as the members groggily got up and cleaned themselves up in the bathrooms. It was, he never realised, how amusing to watch them yawn loudly and then slump against the wall before getting up again and heading to the bathroom.

Sungyeol almost got the shock of his life when leader Sunggyu plopped into a chair before him without Sungyeol noticing and asked jokingly, “have you taken up the role of waking us all up?”

Smiling, Sungyeol shrugged his shoulders, “depends, I got up early today and decided to do you all a favour by bestowing my beautiful presence on you all.”

Sunggyu laughed with relief. He had been just a tad worried about Sungyeol who had screamed and then slept on the couch last night, but from the looks of it, he seemed to still be his cheerful and cheeky self.

Sungyeol had expected Sunggyu to scoff.

The two earlier risers were already half way through their breakfast, slowly eating when the all the members finally sat and ate together with their manager. They didn’t always get to have the luxury of sitting together for breakfast, but when possible, they made it work. And in most cases, they could all eat at least one meal together. Sometimes, it was just inevitable. It was manners to eat together, it was bonding time, it’s an important part of their life, since they were like family after all.

“So, what was last night about, Sungyeol?” Dongwoo asked, “I heard that you were screaming your head off”

“It’s just like Dongwoo-hyung to sleep through it”, Sungjong mumbled before sending a curious stare at Sungyeol.

“Did you see a ghost or something?” Woohyun joked.

“Something like that”, Sungyeol smiled and then chuckled, wanting to brush the matter aside ASAP.

Seeing Sungyeol’s hearty chuckle, the members pushed the thought out of their heads and continued eating.

Sungyeol is relieved and eats with content, ignoring the suffocating feeling that was crawling up his throat. Myungsoo shoots him a worried glance and Sungyeol knows he’s busted. His expression is flawed. Sungyeol reprimands himself in his head, he needed to master his expressions better. Instead of confronting the other, Sungyeol chose to avoid Myungsoo.

Sungyeol took his phone out and started to pretend to text his mother. In the end as he kept his focus on his phone during breakfast, the only words he ended up sending to his mother were ‘I love you’.

By the time everyone finished eating, it was already half past 6.

There probably wasn’t another time where Sungyeol actually found himself thoroughly enjoying training more than heaps. It took his mind off things he didn’t want to think about, he felt as though he were lighter even though his throat was itching for water, even though his body felt too limp from too much dancing. And it gave him the chance to avoid Myungsoo who clearly wanted to talk to him. But Sungyeol didn’t want to talk. He could pretend he was too tired to talk, and his members would let him rest when it was time to rest. And all he had to do was shut his eyes and pretend he was napping to pretend that he couldn’t see Myungsoo heading towards him.

But when Myungsoo sat down beside Sungyeol and gently wiped off Sungyeol’s sweat, Sungyeol’s eyes instinctively opened to look at Myungsoo who smiled and then handed Sungyeol a bottle of Pocari Sweat.

Pocari Sweat wasn’t exactly the type of drink he’d like to have when he’s sort of dying of thirst, where was the water anyway? Sungyeol raised an eyebrow but took the bottle anyway.

“We’re out of water”, Myungsoo said as though he could read Sungyeol’s mind.

Sungyeol stared at Myungsoo as though he were nuts, as if they could run out of water.

“Well, actually, I just couldn’t be bothered grabbing a bottle of water, it’s kind of, far”, Myungsoo wondered if he should tell Sungyeol that the Pocari Sweat was closer, and because he didn’t want Sungyeol to run again, he just grabbed whatever was closer.

Pocari Sweat tasted bland to Sungyeol as he took a sip before passing it back to Myungsoo who also took a couple of sips. Sungyeol closed his eyes again, he flinched and turned his head away from Myungsoo when he felt Myungsoo grab his hand, his fingers going in between his fingers to form a nice lace. Sungyeol did not hold Myungsoo’s hand back, leaving his arm and consequently hand to be limp and unmoving.

Even when Myungsoo leans over to place a peck on Sungyeol’s cheeks, Sungyeol wills himself to not react. He ignores and lets his heart sink as Myungsoo only holds his hand tighter.

They don’t rest for long before practice starts up again. When practice finally finishes for the day, Sungyeol couldn’t even remember what they had for dinner that day. There was maybe an hour and a half till it was time to sleep and Sungyeol waits for Dongwoo to shower first before he goes to shower. It was nice having two showers in the dorm, splitting it accordingly by rooms. He’d had to wait much longer before.

Sungyeol lies on top of his blankets as he waits, his laptop open before him, but he’s tired and doesn’t even feel like surfing the web. He’s tired and wants to rest.

When Myungsoo takes a seat next to Sungyeol, the older closes his eyes and ignores the other’s presence.

Even though Sungyeol had his eyes closed and was trying to ignore him, Myungsoo knows that Sungyeol can hear him, so he speaks, “you were overly happy at breakfast today, did something happen?”

Sungyeol lets out a relieved breath, Myungsoo didn’t know. He immediately turns and faces Myungsoo with a huge grin.

Myungsoo looks at Sungyeol’s overly happy expression and can’t help but frown, “yeah, it’s that expression”, the younger places a hand on Sungyeol’s chubby cheek and caresses softly, “do you want to talk to me about it?”

“Huh?” Sungyeol is a bit confused at Myungsoo’s serious tone and question.

“Is this about last night’s scream?” Myungsoo asks, wondering what was going on in Sungyeol’s head to force the other to act so happy-go-lucky when he clearly was not. He feels a little guilty for not asking that night and instead, telling the other to be quiet and go to sleep.

Sungyeol wants to believe that his smile did not drop at all, but when Myungsoo only frowns a little deeper, Sungyeol could not help but know that it was like he had suspected, Myungsoo was wary of him. The problem was, Sungyeol was sure he had perfectly acted normal yet Myungsoo still knew something was wrong with him which could only mean that Sungyeol’s acting was not perfect, there was no other explanation. Sungyeol shook his head and rambled on about something random to Myungsoo, luckily, he didn’t have to go on for too long as Dongwoo walked into the room, telling Sungyeol it was his turn to shower. Sungyeol made sure he remembered to close his laptop before he went off to shower.

“What’s in his laptop anyway?” Dongwoo asked Myungsoo curiously, “does he really have porn?”

Myungsoo shrugged, keeping his lips closed, he wasn’t going to tell anyone that he knew Sungyeol kept his electronic diary in his laptop. It’s not like he’s ever read through ALL Sungyeol’s journal before, but he’s seen Sungyeol type in it and he’s read half of sentences and what not when he tries to discreetly see what Sungyeol’s doing. Myungsoo doesn’t particularly want to read Sungyeol’s journal either, he had the confidence that Sungyeol would tell him his problems when the time came. When Sungyeol was ready to tell someone about it, he was positive that he would be the person to come to.

Sungyeol found that he really didn’t like staring at himself in the mirror. He wondered briefly why it took so long for him to realise this thought. He poked his own cheek, it was too chubby, he ran a finger across his lips, there were too plump and full, so he smiled, stretching his lips so they were thinner, but then his gums showed too much, he looked at his nose and wanted to close his eyes. But his deadpan eyes stared back and Sungyeol wondered when he had turned so ugly. He poked at his tummy, his arms, his chest, nothing seemed like it was before. He smiled again and wondered if he had always smiled like that. The swollen puffiness of his eyes were gone, but Sungyeol couldn’t help but remember how disgusting it had looked earlier that day. He felt numb.

And then he saw it.

Safety pins.

Taking the one of the safety pins beside the sink, Sungyeol looked at it with a blank face before he unpinned it and pressed it against his skin on the underside of his wrist, he didn’t dig the pin deep, it just pressed shallowly pass his skin. He could feel it as he lifted the silver pin from his skin. He could feel it and a small smile found its way to Sungyeol’s lips.

He felt as though his mood had been lifted slightly. And that comforted him.

He pressed the pin in again, pass his skin in a different stop, maybe a centimetre from the first spot so that it was still behind his wrist. This time, Sungyeol pressed in harder, deeper than the first time before he drew the pin out of his flesh again. A spot of red slowly popped up from the spot where Sungyeol poked. And Sungyeol couldn’t help but admire the contrast between his pale skin and the spot of red.

The blotch of blood dries and Sungyeol presses the sharp end of the safety pin into himself again. He feels a little sad that he’s marring his skin like this, but the relief that comes with it was so comfortingly addictive, it was priority.

A curt knock on the door makes Sungyeol’s eyes widen, jump with a little shock, a small squeak escape his mouth as he hurriedly takes the pin from his wrist.

“Sungyeolie!” Myungsoo calls from the other side of the bathroom door, “are you done yet?”

“Yeah, yeah!” Sungyeol says loudly before he jokes, “I’m putting my clothes on now, unless you want to come in and put them on for me?”

Myungsoo answers his joke with agreeableness, “sure, let me in and I’ll help you!” Myungsoo hears Sungyeol’s laugh and mentally notes to himself that Sungyeol was really weird today. More than usual. His laugh was a bit excessive, louder than usually, he could hear the shakiness of the laugh and Myungsoo starts worrying.

Before Myungsoo could say anything else, the bathroom door opens and a cheerful Sungyeol is laughing as he lets Myungsoo into the bathroom.

Sungyeol found Dongwoo and Sungjong lounging on the couch both doing their own stuff and decided to go lie in his blankets and attempt to study more Japanese. There could never be enough study for languages. It took Sungyeol maybe 20minutes before he started feeling sleepy again. He placed the text book aside and covered his head with his blanket again, he couldn’t be bothered getting up to close the light. So when Myungsoo finished showering and went into the shared room, he found the light on and Sungyeol already sleeping.

Pulling the blanket away from Sungyeol’s face, Myungsoo smiled and placed a kiss on the other’s nose before he closed the lights and went to bed as well. It didn’t take long before he heard the manager come in to sleep.

Sungyeol found himself waking up early again. The sun wasn’t up and he didn’t feel tired. Getting out of bed, he blindly changed into casual clothes before he quietly snuck out of the room, he didn’t want to wake up the manager. Sungyeol automatically went to clean himself up before he made himself a  cup of coffee. He wondered if it was going to be routine now, to wake up earlier than the sun and then drink coffee without being able to stare out into the sunrise. And then he noticed that Dongwoo was sleeping on the couch in the living room. Sungyeol raised an eyebrow and decided not to do anything about it.

(Dongwoo asks him later, if he found sleeping on the couch comfortable, because he found it comfy.)

He looked at the wrist he was marring last night and wondered why the random maroon dots of blood looked enticing on his skin.

Once again, Sungyeol found himself in the training room. He had brought along his language text books, Japanese, Mandarin Chinese and English. Sungyeol switched between practicing his vocals and orally practicing languages. And when he got tired of them both, he’d practice dancing, just enough so that he won’t get too sweaty. Negative thoughts kept interrupting him, but he tried his best to empty his mind and only focus on improving, he didn’t need distractors to pull him into a hole of wallowing and oblivion. Before he knew it, he had almost finished his mug of coffee.

“Sungyeolie?” A voice called and interrupted Sungyeol who was busy flipping through his Japanese text book. Sungyeol looked up and turned around. It was Myungsoo. Sungyeol blinked and wondered what Myungsoo was doing, rubbing his eyes tiredly and looking as though he were half dead.

“Shouldn’t you be sleeping?” Sungyeol asked, finding the situation a little absurd. There was no way Myungsoo would be up without anyone forcing him to wake up.

“I got worried when I woke up and couldn’t find you”, Myungsoo told Sungyeol as he took a seat next to Sungyeol, immediate resting his head on the other’s shoulders.

“How did you wake up in the first place?” Sungyeol scowled a little, wondering why anyone would even want to rest their head on his shoulder. It was bony and totally uncomfortable.

“Manager-hyung woke us, it’s time to wake up”, Myungsoo blinked a little tiredly, “what are you doing here?”

Sungyeol realised that breakfast should be done soon now that manager-hyung was up and getting everyone to wake up. He felt just a little obligated to go and help manager-hyung wake the members up too. “Me? I’m studying”, Sungyeol answered Myungsoo’s question.

“Hm~” Myungsoo took a look at what Sungyeol was studying and smiled. Always so hardworking. They all were actually. “Did you wake up early again?”

Sungyeol nodded, still holding the Japanese text book, “thought I’d make use of my time. It’s nice here, I can talk as loud as I want and you guys, shouldn’t be able to hear me.”

Myungsoo smiled, “next time, if you do wake up early again, wake me up too? I want to study with you.”

A little surprised at Myungsoo’s willingness to wake up early and sacrifice sleep, Sungyeol nodded dumbly, “sure, you can help me with my vocals”, Sungyeol looked at the Japanese text book he was still holding and smiled jokingly, “having L-sama help me with Japanese will be a blessing!” He then shrugged Myungsoo’s hand off his shoulders and packed up his books, “come on, the guys should be up and eating breakfast by now if you’re up.”

Before Sungyeol could leave the training room though, Myungsoo quickly grabbed Sungyeol’s arms and pulled the other towards him, placing a quick kiss on Sungyeol’s lips.

Sungyeol smiled at Myungsoo and made his way out of the training room.

Myungsoo’s expression dropped from poker face to one of a frown. He realised he had been frowning a lot as of late. Mostly, due to Sungyeol. And from Sungyeol’s dodgy reaction (the wonky and awkward smile) from before, Myungsoo deduced that there was something Sungyeol was hiding from him.

Cheating? Myungsoo quickly banished that thought, it was impossible for Sungyeol to cheat on him, he’d be able to tell if Sungyeol were betraying him in any sense. It only puzzled Myungsoo further when he wondered just what issue could be troubling Sungyeol so much he had to act in front of friends.

The day went by quite fast, trying to perfect moves a little more, trying to all move in synch, ones who had other schedules headed off and then came back and practiced, resting time was limited and when they were, Sungyeol couldn’t help but find Myungsoo attached to him like glue.

“Sungyeol, why aren’t you eating?” Myungsoo asked, picking at Sungyeol’s untouched chicken breast.

Sungyeol shrugged, he didn’t have the appetite to eat, everything just tasted so bland and not interesting anymore.

“I’ll be taking it then”, Myungsoo told Sungyeol as he started eating Sungyeol’s portion as well.

Sungyeol smiled before he messed up Myungsoo’s hair. Sungyeol found that in the midst of other people, his mood was stable and content with being a little bubbly, it was easy for him to act normal, even though Myungsoo was all over him, raising eyebrows and sending him worried glances. But when Sungyeol found himself alone, say, when he was showering, he’d feel the painful suffocating sensation again and he doesn’t know what to do. He’s feeling numb but he’s in pain and can feel it through the numbness and nothing seems to be any colour but black, black, black.

The choding of Infinite finds himself poking himself more with the safety pin, feeling slightly more relieved when the pain he feels is physical. A pain that’s not mental or emotional.

And his blood shines brightly in the sea of black.

And Myungsoo’s impatient knock on the bathroom door managed to stop Sungyeol from pressing any more holes into his wrist again as he was pulled out of his world.

The next day, Sungyeol found himself waking to a nightmare again. He had thought that since he didn’t have one the night before, he wouldn’t have another one anytime soon. Sungyeol heard the shuffling of sheets and wondered if the other people in his room were feeling uncomfortable or even possibly waking up, and then he remembered that unlike Sungjong and Howon, Dongwoo and Myungsoo move a lot in their sleep and were a pain to wake up.

About two hours before the normal wake up time, Sungyeol got out of his blankets, he stopped before leaving the room, wondering if he should wake Myungsoo up, but he knew that Myungsoo was sleeping so peacefully, he just couldn’t bear to wake the younger one up. Sungyeol was going to count the number of hours he had to sleep, but instead, decided not to. It would only add to the negativity that was already slowly swarming around in his head. He was going to survive on coffee. The thought of coffee seemed to temporarily work in bringing his thoughts out of gloom.

Funny enough, Sungyeol found Dongwoo in the living room again. Sungyeol wondered if Dongwoo actually really liked sleeping on that so called “comfy” couch. He made a mental note to harass the other over it later.

Suddenly, Sungyeol made a sharp turn and headed towards the front door instead, he hugged his hoodie closer to himself as he put on the hood. He felt like going for a jog instead. Maybe that would help clear his mind. Maybe.

The night sky was still out, the stars were not to be seen, covered by the cloudy sky, Sungyeol breathed in deeply as he tightened his hood around his head, the air felt fresher than usual. As he jogged around the block, he thought about life. His goal, was his dream. And his dream, Infinite’s dream is a step closer to his own dream. He had purpose in his life, so he couldn’t wrap his mind around as to why he had been feeling in the dumps recently.

Too much stress?

But it wasn’t something he wasn’t already use to already.

Maybe it was because he didn’t have enough confidence in himself, but if that were the case, he wouldn’t have chosen this road, this dream, he wouldn’t have the thought of persisting. As Sungyeol racked his brain for a reason as to why he was feeling so down and generally, unhappy with life, his jogging had slowly slowed down to him just walking. When he did realise, he shook his head as though that would shake all his thoughts out of his head, he plugged in his earphones into his ears and put the volume a little higher than usual.

Music was something that’s capable of taking Sungyeol away from his thoughts. In a sense, it occupied so much of his attention, it numbed him. Soon, Sungyeol was jogging again, this time to the pace of the music he was listening to.

And then somehow, he was thinking about things that will last forever.

Nothing lasts forever.

Nothing goes on for an infinite amount of time.

Sungyeol stopped and realised that the song he was listening to was talking about things that won’t last. Before he could even skip the song, the thought of whether he will forever have the same dream popped up in his head. He sighs and skips the song. The first word he hears is ‘love’, and Sungyeol wonders if the love between Myungsoo and himself will last.

Lee Sungyeol laughs dispiritedly at that thought as he answers his own question, “no, it won’t last”, at least, not with the way Sungyeol was behaving, putting less than little effort into their relationship. He just, wasn’t in the mood. He wanted to be loved, but right now, he found it difficult to love back, so he rather not have the secure feeling of being loved. It wasn’t as though he was loving Myungsoo any less, it was just, the love he received felt too undeserving. It made him feel far too guilty. So guilty that he found it hard to love.

He skips the song.

And he skips the song after that and the song after that one and Sungyeol finds himself skipping over pretty much every single song in his playlist. He realises that most of all, he didn’t like the pain the seared through his heart when he was listening to songs sung by Infinite. It hurt more. Giving up, Sungyeol trudges back as the sun rises. He yawns as he opens the front door, it really was about time for coffee. Just thinking about coffee made Sungyeol remember the smell, he smiled a little as he entered their dorm, it was as though he really could smell the sweet, sweet smell of coffee already.

After a couple of minutes, Sungyeol was holding a mug of coffee again as he went off into the training room. He took out the Japanese text book and began reading aloud. He listened to the pre-recorded audio and repeated after the native Japanese speaker. It was the fun-er part of language learning. Sungyeol wanted his pronunciation to be top notch.

By the time someone came into the training room looking for Sungyeol, Sungyeol had already finished his coffee this time around.

“Sungyeolie!” Myungsoo called out with a whiny voice, which surprised Sungyeol himself.

“Wh-what?” Sungyeol asked, ignoring the arms that had somehow found its way clamped around his body.

“You didn’t wake me up!” Myungsoo pulled a long face which he dug unhappily into Sungyeol’s back.

“Oh, you were sleeping like a log, I didn’t have the heart to wake you up”, Sungyeol explained. It only sounded like an excuse to Sungyeol’s ears.

“So mean!” Myungsoo playfully hit Sungyeol’s arm. In which the older just laughed it off.

Myungsoo then moved his head so that his chin was resting on Sungyeol’s shoulder, “Yeol, next time, you have to wake me up. Just wake me up.”

Sungyeol nodded.

“Now…” Myungsoo turned his head towards Sungyeol a little, “cheer me up will you?”

“Huh? Sorry, what?” Sungyeol turned around to look at Myungsoo only to have their lips slightly brush against each other. Sungyeol quickly pulled back, feeling surprised that Myungsoo was indeed that close to him.

Myungsoo smiles and hugs Sungyeol a little tighter and whispers, “thanks.”

Woohyun suddenly comes into the training room with a raised eyebrow, “are you two lovebirds going to come eat breakfast or what?” He shakes his head in disapproval even though he could not hide his smile, “the whole world isn’t going to wait for you, you know?”

“I know, I know”, Sungyeol smiles and stands up with Myungsoo, “we’re coming now, don’t need to make such a sour face over not having these two handsome faces to look at when you’re eating.”

Woohyun rolls his eyes and leaves.

“I think you’ve been hanging around Woohyun too much”, Myungsoo comments, “his lines are rubbing onto you”

Sungyeol laughs and allows himself to be pulled to breakfast by Myungsoo’s hand. However, now Sungyeol had another question nagging him at the back of his head. The fact that the world won’t stop for him, the fact that the people around him won’t stop for him and wait for him to get over himself. They’ll keep moving forward.

Sungyeol gripped Myungsoo’s hand a little tighter. He could feel the younger one smile. Sungyeol needed to move forward too, he absolutely did not want to be left behind whilst he was struggling with the pessimistic thoughts that were dwelling in his being.

To Sungyeol, he felt as though the day itself were just repeating itself, over and over, the days were the same, mundane, but full of sweat. He wonders if he was improving. And he knows that even though he couldn’t see it, he knows he’s improving, otherwise he wouldn’t put up with the hardship he was straining on his own body.

He pressed the safety pin into his skin again and felt better.

That night, Sungyeol changed his playlist so that he was listening to songs in languages he could not understand, foreign languages seem to be able to clear Sungyeol’s mind without instigating negative thoughts. That night, he slept with his earphones, music playing into his ears , hoping that he won’t be waking up to another nightmare.

The next morning, Sungyeol had trouble opening his eyes, it felt as though his eyes had been glued together. And then it hit him, he was still wearing his eye mask. Pulling it off, he stumbled out of his room, no longer was he surprised to see Dongwoo sleeping in the living room. Sungyeol walked pass him without another thought.

Standing in the bathroom, Sungyeol blinked at his reflection, his hand rubbed his tummy softly, he couldn’t remember if he had dreamed last night. But he was sure he wasn’t feeling too fresh or anything. Sungyeol’s eyes catches on to the bunch of safety pins sitting beside the sink, and as though it were a natural habit, he reaches out and touches the cool metal of the safety pin. It feels fragile between his fingers, too thin to do any harm, yet as Sungyeol sticks it into his wrist, he feels pain.

After he cleaned himself up, Sungyeol headed straight for the coffee machine, it felt like an obligation to get coffee right after. It kind of lifted his spirits. Sungyeol holds the cup of coffee and quietly makes his way back to his room, careful not to wake the manager up, he attempts to wake Myungsoo up. But Myungsoo really is a deep sleeper. Sungyeol starts shaking the other’s shoulders, squeezing the other’s cheeks and softly tugging the other’s hair, Myungsoo finally opens his eyes and smiles when he registers that Sungyeol was the one who was waking him.

Immediately sitting up, Myungsoo doesn’t waste time as he follows Sungyeol out of the bedroom. Myungsoo noticed Dongwoo who had made himself totally comfortable in the living room, but he doesn’t say anything. He quickly cleans himself up and joins Sungyeol in the training room.

“I’m glad you woke me up!” Myungsoo stretches his limbs and sits beside Sungyeol.

“Aren’t you tired?” Sungyeol sends Myungsoo a worried glance, “don’t you want to go back to sleep?”

Myungsoo shook his head “I’ll just nap with you when we get those short breaks in between training”, he then took Sungyeol’s cup of coffee to take a sip, “so what are we doing today?”

“Well, I’ve been studying Japanese for the last couple of days”, Sungyeol eyed his coffee silently, “what do you want to do?”

Myungsoo took another sip from Sungyeol’s coffee, he pretended that he could not see Sungyeol eyeing the coffee with desperate need. It was fun to silently tease the other like that, “should we study vocabulary?” Myungsoo suggests.

“Ok!” Sungyeol smiles, “whoever can remember the least has to wash the other person’s feet later!”

Myungsoo smiles, “bring it on.”

The pair studiously looked at their text books, trying to rote learn the vocabulary. Suddenly the door to the training room opened, both Myungsoo and Sungyeol looked up, surprised.

“Gosh”, the manager sighed with relief, “I was wondering if the two of you went out since Myungsoo was out of bed.”

Sungyeol laughed sheepishly, reminding himself to not let slip that he had gone out for a jog some time ago…yesterday. He didn’t want another lecture.

“Perfect, hyung, help us!” Sungyeol  got up and pulled their manager to sit with them.

“Hm?”

“Can you help test Myungsoo and I please?” Sungyeol asked as he passed the textbook to the manager, “we’ve been studying this list of vocabulary this morning, can you just randomly ask us and we’ll write down the answer!”

The manager smiled at the two’s hard work, he agreed easily. It didn’t take long before the manager handed back the marked on-the-spot-dictation to the two younger Infinite members.

Sungyeol screamed out in joy and started dancing randomly when they compared scores and Sungyeol had scored higher. He pushed the thought that he did study more than Myungsoo, after all, he was going over vocabulary as well for the past couple of days. But, he was not going to tell Myungsoo that.

Their manager smiled widely at Sungyeol’s happiness, he then got up and headed out, “come on guys, let’s go eat and start training for the day.”

Pulling Myungsoo up, Sungyeol gave the other a quick hug, “thanks for volunteering to wash my feet.”

“Whatever, choding”, Myungsoo grumbled with a smile as he pulled both of them out of the training room. The smell of breakfast was already enticing his stomach to start urging for food.

Sungyeol picked at his food discreetly, he really didn’t feel like eating at all.

For the next couple of days, it had turn into routine for Sungyeol to wake up first and then carry coffee into his own room to wake Myungsoo up. By now, Myungsoo felt as though he was trained to wake up with the smell of coffee.

Day after day, Myungsoo felt as though Sungyeol’s mood was getting better and better. What he did not know was that Sungyeol was getting better at acting as the hands on the clock ticked.

Sungyeol starts thinking he’s depressed when music no longer clears his head of thoughts of death.

But depression isn’t a problem Sungyeol thinks he can’t solve. Sungyeol looked at himself again, his eyes lingering on his wrist for a little longer than it should, his fingers flittered gently over his neck, he briefly wondered what it would feel like to cut it open…as soon as Sungyeol realised what he was thinking, he lowered his fingers from his neck and scolded himself for even thinking that. He appreciated his neck and did not want to press anything sharp against it. Probably. Clearly, solving this problem would take a while. Sungyeol smiled and watched his reflection in the mirror smile back. He could see the dodgy cracks again, it was ugly. He dropped the smile and tried again till he could not see the imperfections of his smile.

Yeah, solving depression was going to take a while.

Firstly, he should figure out why he was not so suddenly like this.

They’re on break from practice. Sungyeol sits with his back against the wall, his knees folded up and his hands on either side of him. He breathes in deeply and holds his throat lightly with one of his hands. His fingers run smoothly over his skin. Sungyeol knows that there is a big difference between his voice and the voice of Infinite’s lead singers. He knows that there’s a huge difference between his voice and the voice of Infinite’s rappers. Sungyeol knows that he needs to work harder and harder. But he just feels that the distance between him and the others only become greater and greater.

He isn’t the only one who’s improving, everyone else around him is as well. And Sungyeol knows that he shouldn’t be disappointed in himself, he tries to find no reason to be. There’s around 12 hours of practice a day, sometimes 15 for comebacks, and Sungyeol feels that the rate in which he’s improving is way too slow, as though fate was trying to tell him that he’ll never be able to become as good, never be able to catch up.

He’s lost.

And Sungyeol wants to bury his head in his knees.

Myungsoo watches as Sungyeol dips his head to his knees. He’s worried, he doesn’t know what Sungyeol is thinking. Not hesitant at all, Myungsoo places one of his hands above Sungyeol’s hand which was not clutching at his throat.

He doesn’t know what to think when he can feel Sungyeol’s hand flinch away from him. Myungsoo goes after the hand and clutches it this time, “Sungyeolie, do you want to go grab icecream?”

Sungyeol looks up from his knees and gives Myungsoo a smile.

Myungsoo can’t see anything but weariness.

The choding shakes his head, “I’m good, is our Myungsoo craving for sweets already?” Sungyeol teases, his gums show as he laughs.

Myungsoo wonders why Sungyeol’s laugh was sounding hollow again.

The younger scoots closer to Sungyeol, it didn’t matter if they were sweaty. He holds Sungyeol’s hand tightly, and tries not to be too upset that Sungyeol isn’t holding his hand back. He moves his lips and presses a kiss on Sungyeol’s cheek. He watches as the other look down a little, and Myungsoo knows that Sungyeol wasn’t look away from embarrassment.

What he doesn’t know is that Sungyeol finds it hard to accept Myungsoo’s affections.

“Cheer me up”, Myungsoo whispers into Sungyeol’s ear before he pulls the other’s face closer, his hand holds Sungyeol’s cheek dearly and he kisses lips that belonged to his angel.

“Um”, Sungyeol feels a little awkward, he doesn’t really know what just happened.

“I like your voice”, Myungsoo smiles at Sungyeol, “just, talk to me.”

Sungyeol raises his thin eyebrow before he starts blabbering on and on and on. Myungsoo watches the way Sungyeol’s lips move, the small curves of the lips, the way his gums showed cutely when he smiled brightly, when he laughed, the sound of Sungyeol’s voice echoing in his ears. Myungsoo was in paradise.

And Myungsoo and Sungyeol talk for the rest of their break instead of their original plan to sleep. Myungsoo found his heart feeling lighter at the end. It was only when they stood up that Myungsoo realised that Sungyeol was still not holding onto his hand. And that was all it took to remind Myungsoo that Sungyeol was obviously not feeling himself.

Myungsoo notes to himself that Sungyeol only took a couple of bites from dinner before he excused himself. Rushing, Myungsoo quickly gobbles the rest of his dinner before he dashes to follow Sungyeol, immediately draping his arms all over the other as soon as he could.

“Sungyeolie, want to go grab some snacks with me?” Myungsoo asks

“Eh, don’t really want to”, Sungyeol smiles apologetically.

Unhappy, Myungsoo displays the dissatisfaction on his face. Sungyeol looks  a little guilty.

“Please?” Myungsoo pleads, he wanted Sungyeol to at least eat an orange or something.

Sungyeol sighs, “fine”, he knows that Myungsoo is persistent, stubbornly so.

The choding merely starts off just cutting up an orange for Myungsoo and himself, but somehow, he found himself cutting up oranges for the rest of his members. The thought and the action didn’t disturb him, it didn’t make him feel slighted or angry. In fact, he liked that feeling.

He found himself sitting at the dinner table with all the members, his head on Myungsoo’s shoulder as he slowly ate oranges as the 7 of them talked randomly. It was a nice break. He was distracted and didn’t even notice. As the night went on, an impromptu vocal lesson was in place. Members disappeared one after the other to the two separate bathrooms whilst the other worked on their vocals. It was actually a light-hearted and fun atmosphere, and Sungyeol couldn’t help but find himself laughing at the jokes that sometimes slipped whilst they all tried to harmonize together.

Sungyeol pushes Myungsoo’s hand off of his own hand when it was his turn to shower, he smiles, stands and stretches a little before he grabs his change of clothes and heads straight to the bathroom. He was still feeling fuzzy and ‘normal’ then, but as soon as he walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind him, Sungyeol knew that suffocating sensation was coming back. He was alone, again. He could feel the coldness of the tiles of the bathroom seep pass his skin and trickle into his bloodstream. He could hear the sound of the nonexistent water dripping. He started feeling unpleasant as he took his clothes off, not once did he look in the mirror to check his bags, he hopped into the shower with his head hung low and breathed in deeply. The water quickly turned warm but the warmth was not touching his heart.

He doesn’t know how long he’s been in the shower, but by the time he steps out, he’s shivering as he quickly dries himself off with his towel. Sungyeol’s eyes land on one of the many safety pins. He smiles wryly. He could envision the warmth already.

Sungyeol presses the safety pin into his skin, again. It feels prickly, but by the second time the pin sinks into his flesh that day, Sungyeol can feel the coldness of the pin seep through his wrist, he can feel his blood pump heavily, he didn’t feel any warmer. His wrist shook a little the third time he stuck the pin in, seeing his blood pool slowly in miniscule amounts was fascinating, Sungyeol wondered if he’d ever get sick of it. When the safety pin enters for the fourth time, Sungyeol knows that he won’t stop. It was his salvation, the pain relieved him and comforted him. And when the same safety pin pierces through his skin and digs into him for the fifth time that day, the blood starts pooling immediately, Sungyeol winces a little, it was a little more painful this time.

“Sungyeolie?” a voice calls and breaks Sungyeol’s trance.

Sungyeol looks up from his wrist with wide eyes to see Myungsoo popping his head through the gap between the door and its frame. The surprise made him drop the safety pin he was gripping onto so tightly just before.

“Myung-“, Sungyeol never finished what he was going to say as Myungsoo came into the bathroom and immediately held Sungyeol’s wrist.

“What’s this?” Myungsoo asks with worry written all over himself, his face hardened at the sight of the blood.

“It’s an allergy, a rash”, Sungyeol babbled immediately, waving his free hand around as Myungsoo scrutinised the wrist he was just stabbing with a safety pin 10 seconds ago, “nothing to worry about.”

Sungyeol reprimands himself for forgetting to lock the bathroom door. He bites his lips, hoping that Myungsoo bought his lies, hoping that Myungsoo did not notice the pin he had dropped in surprise.

‘Oh’, Yeol thinks to himself, ‘human stupidity is infinite.’ He remembers that quote from somewhere, something Albert Einstein had once said, and he only remembers it now when he gives a lame and pretty screwed up excuse to Myungsoo.

“Oh”, Myungsoo takes an even closer look at the blemish like dots on Sungyeol’s wrist, “do you have cream for this? I mean, have you seen the doctor about it?”

“Hm?” Sungyeol took his wrist back, he was beginning to feel a little uncomfortable with Myungsoo staring to seriously at his wrist, “yeah, I’ve got cream, it should get better soon.” Sungyeol is a little astonished that Myungsoo believed his excuse.

Myungsoo gives Sungyeol a tight hug before he starts taking his clothes off, ready to shower. As he watches Sungyeol leave with embarrassment, Myungsoo wonders why he didn’t notice earlier, that the ones who seem to be overly cheerful and hyper are usually the ones who are desperately trying to cover themselves up, to hide from the world and to not let anyone know that they’re suffering. He had noticed that there was something off about Sungyeol recently, Myungsoo pulled at his own hair for not even considering that Sungyeol was harming himself. How could Sungyeol fool even him. Why was he not perceptive enough? How could he even think that Sungyeol was feeling better?

He wanted to cry. Sungyeol wasn’t feeling secure enough, didn’t trust Myungsoo enough to let him know that he was in pain. Myungsoo really wanted to cry.

As Myungsoo didn’t probe Sungyeol about the dots on his wrist, or the safety pin (he wonders if Myungsoo even saw that at all), Sungyeol felt relieved, believing that Myungsoo didn’t know what Sungyeol was doing to himself.

Walking out in only sweatpants, Myungsoo runs after Sungyeol and pulls the other towards the bathroom without saying anything. There was no way he was going to let Sungyeol disappear from his sight when he was in such a state.

“Myungsoo, Myungsoo!” Sungyeol is calling for Myungsoo’s attention and the other only replies when they’re inside the bathroom again, door locked.

“Hm?” Myungsoo smiles, their hands still entwined together.

“Why did you drag me in here again?” Sungyeol waved his free arm around to emphasise that he had no purpose in the bathroom in that moment.

“Shower with me?” Myungsoo asks with a smile still on his face as his hands start to undress Sungyeol.

Shocked, Sungyeol takes a couple of steps back from the younger member, and wraps his hands around himself, “what? Myungsoo, no, I’m not ready!”

Myungsoo rolls his eyes at Sungyeol’s reaction, the older was obviously thinking of something dirty. He walks closer to the other and engulfs the other with his arms, “no, not that, just, normal shower, nothing dirty”, Myungsoo reassured before he whispered, “probably.”

Sungyeol raised an eyebrow as he pushed himself out of Myungsoo’s hug, “I already took a shower…”

“Take another one, with me”, Myungsoo said, a bit too cheerily, he watched as Sungyeol looked away, contemplating, “cheer me up, ok?”

“Fi-fine, though you look perfectly happy to me”, Sungyeol gave up, “I’ll take it off myself, so go and warm up the water for me”, Sungyeol flicked his wrists a couple of times, indicating for Myungsoo to go into the shower first.

Myungsoo stares at Sungyeol and makes sure the other is staring back and nodding before he takes the rest of his clothes off and hops into the shower.

Sungyeol sighs and takes his clothes off. Myungsoo was demanding, and a bit weird sometimes. He notices the safety pin he had dropped not even five minutes ago and hastily picks it up and places it in the bin. It was hazardous. Sungyeol never pushed the safety pin pass his skin for the sixth time that day.

Myungsoo quickly pulled Sungyeol into his embrace when the other stepped into the shower. Sungyeol couldn’t help but feel that he was Myungsoo’s mother or something, things like washing the other’s hair, scrubbing the other’s back and hard to reach areas, it wasn’t something Sungyeol had not thought he would never wind up doing.

In the end, Sungyeol couldn’t help but notice that Myungsoo was sticking even closer to him than before, almost as though Myungsoo would die if they weren’t stuck together like glue.

When Myungsoo left their dorms to go over individual activity – for filming, he was hesitant in not forcefully taking Sungyeol with him. He wanted to be stuck to the other’s hip, like a terribly stubborn parasite.

But Sungyeol just waves at him normally (and Myungsoo wonders what really is normal for Sungyeol) with a goofy grin and a lazy arm (Myungsoo wonders if that can really be called normal of Lee Sungyeol.)

Sungyeol spends the rest of the day practicing, answering the influx of texts from Myungsoo (who’s suddenly quite chatty) every couple of hours or so. Sungyeol finds himself staring at himself in the mirror. He looks away after a while and his eyes rest on where the safety pins use to be. He’s confused when he no longer sees the pack of safety pins. He eyebrows knit together and he searches for them. He finds them hidden in the cupboard under the sink. A relieved breath escapes his lips and he notices that he had been sweating. His heart relaxes and slows down when he presses the pin into his wrist. To Sungyeol, it felt as though it had been years since he had felt so tranquil.

After showering, Sungyeol runs his fingers lightly over the blemishes on his wrist, he tugs at his sleeve when he spots their leader peering into the fridge.

“Hyung, are you snacking?” Sungyeol asks, “at this time of the night?”

Sunggyu lifts his head, looks at the other and then beckons Sungyeol to come closer.

Sungyeol peers into the fridge, trying to figure out what Sunggyu was looking at.

“I feel like eating strawberries”, Sunggyu states, his hand already reaching for the pack of strawberries in the fridge. But Sungyeol stops him.

“Hyung, you know we’re not allowed to eat at this time.”

Sunggyu sighs and places the box of strawberries back in the fridge, “I was just testing you.”

Sungyeol decides to keep his mouth shut. He closes the fridge and leads Sunggyu to sit at the dinner table, “hyung, let’s do something else.” He knows that their leader is mature. He really is. But Sunggyu could be a kid at times, and Sungyeol wonders if the man before him really is older than him.

“Hm?” Sunggyu eyes Sungyeol with curiosity.

“Who’s at home right now?” Sungyeol lifts his fingers and starts listing the members of Infinite, “Myungsoo is filming, Sungjongie is filming, Woohyun-hyung is filming, Howon is napping, Dongwoo-hyung is…where is Dongwoo-hyung?”

“I think he’s with Woohyun? Moral support?” Sunggyu surmises.

Sungyeol nods, “I didn’t know, anyway, so Howon is at home, why don’t we-“

“What are you guys up to?” Sungjong suddenly asks as he walked through the front door.

“Oh, welcome home”, Sunggyu smiles, walks up to the maknae and lightly ruffles the other’s hair, “go take a shower ok?”

Sungjong looks at them both suspiciously, “you better not do anything weird when I’m not looking.”

Sungyeol smiles sheepishly and pulls Sunggyu back to the dinner table to talk, “as, I was saying, since Howon is sleeping, we should take this chance to pull a prank on him.”

“Oi!” Sungjong pops his head out from the bathroom door and looks at the two, “don’t do anything to my favourite hyung when I’m not there to join in!”

“Ok, ok”, Sunggyu shoos Sungjong back into the bathroom, “we’ll wait for you so please go scrub all today’s weariness away.”

“So, hyung, I was thinking, it’s been a while since we’ve painted Howon’s nails, that can kill some time before we feel sleepy, right?”

Sunggyu stared at Sungyeol blankly, “why does hearing it from you make it sound like we’re a bunch of girls painting their nails at some dandy sleepover?”

Sungyeol chuckled, “come, one, this time I want to practice my intrinsic art!”

“You’re just going to end up painting his fingers aren’t you?” Sunggyu sighed as rest his chin on his palm, “why do you have coloured nail polish anyway?”

Sungyeol looked at Sunggyu with puzzlement, “you mean our fans don’t give YOU nail polish as gifts?”

“Why would they?” Sunggyu stared at Sungyeol weirdly.

Sungyeol shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t know, I get them a lot. Maybe they figured that it was Myungsoo’s kink or something.”

Sunggyu laughed loudly and then he stopped, “wait, it’s not right?”

“I don’t know”, Sungyeol mimicked Sunggyu and rested his chin on his palm, “I’ve never asked, I assumed you all received nail polish.”

They sat a while in silence, waiting for Sungjong to finish before Sungyeol nodded and then said, “I think our fans know that painting member’s nails and their hands is my hobby.”

Sunggyu let out an acknowledging sound.

“I should keep up with the fans expectations”, Sungyeol smiled overly sweetly at his leader.

“Sungyeol, you know hyung won’t hesitate to put you in a headlock right now, yeah?” Sunggyu smiled back.

Sungyeol’s smile faltered, “I mean, I’m sure our fans expect our great leader to be the one joining in and leading the polish onto the nails.”

“What? Who’s nails are we painting?” Howon asks tiredly as he rubs his eyes and walks into the kitchen.

Sunggyu and Sungyeol both immediately reply with “maknae” as they were both caught off guard.

“Ah, really?” Howon fills up a glass of water and gulps it down before he takes a seat with the two, “it’ll be hard to find a chance though.”

“Well, you sleep in the same room as him, shouldn’t be too bad”, Sunggyu quickly states.

Sungjong walks out of the bathroom and stares at the trio with a raised eyebrow before he plops himself onto the couch and decides to watch TV.

“I’m going to go join Sungjongie”, Sungyeol quickly states and follows the maknae and sits beside the other.

Sungjong gives his hyung a weird look before he shrugs it off.

Sungyeol sighs and then makes himself comfortable, he puts his head on the younger’s shoulder and watches whatever they were watching on TV. Sungjong was comfortable to be around. The younger was snarky and reminded him of home – of the little brother he sends stupid text messages with. He knows Sungjong understands him in many aspects, the two of them being the late comers to the group. He knows that Sungjong cares for him as much as he does and he likes that feeling. The other was someone he could lean and depend on. Sungyeol closes his eyes and wonders if Daeyeol will feel unloved if he told the other that he treated Sungjong nearly just as well as he treated his blood related brother.

Woohyun and Dongwoo come home and doesn’t spare more than a glance at the others before they go take a shower.

By the time Myungsoo walked through the front door, Sungyeol had dozed off on Sungjong’s shoulder. Myungsoo stops in his tracks and looks at the Sungyeol sleeping on Sungjong’s shoulder.

“Is he tired?” Myungsoo mouths

Sungjong nods back with a small smile.

Myungsoo kneels before Sungyeol and gently pulls the other off Sungjong.

Sungyeol stirs, he blinks his eyes a couple of times before his arms automatically reach to pulls Sungjong closer.

“Hyung~” Sungjong whines and pushes Sungyeol a little, “stop, before Myungsoo-hyung decides that he needs to chop my head off.”

Myungsoo raises an eyebrow at that comment. He wasn’t that type of person, really.

“But you’re so warm”, Sungyeol sighs and his eyes stop fluttering as it lays closed.

“Put him to bed for me, will you?” Myungsoo asks Sungjong for the favour before he goes to shower.

Sungjong nods and then sighs as he half drags and half carries Sungyeol back into his room.

“Sungyeolie-hyung”, Sungjong calls, but Sungyeol had fallen asleep and was nor responding. Sungjong tucks the other in before he heads back to his TV. He wanted to watch a bit more before he slept.

Myungsoo finds himself lifting Sungyeol’s left hand out of the warm blanket after his shower. He needed to be cautious and check. He needed to check if Sungyeol had taken the chance Myungsoo wasn’t around to harm himself. Myungsoo looks at the dots on Sungyeol’s wrists and counts a couple more than last night.

His lips are pursed and feels like crying again. He holds onto Sungyeol’s hand tightly.

Sungyeol’s eyes open again and they find their way to Myungsoo’s tear filled face, “oh, Myungsoo-ah, what’s wrong?” Sungyeol sits up and is immediately worried over Myungsoo’s tears, “what happened?”

“No reason, I just want to sleep with you tonight”, Myungsoo says, sniffing, his grip on Sungyeol’s hand still tight.

“Eh?” Sungyeol looks perplexed for a second before he scoots over and pulls the younger over, “ok, just promise me you’ll stop crying.”

Myungsoo grunts softly as he slips under the covers, his arms quickly wrap themselves around Sungyeol, he breathes in deeply when he feels Sungyeol’s hand smooth down his back.

It felt wrong.

He wasn’t the one who needed comforting. Sungyeol was. Yet why was Myungsoo always on the brink of powerlessness?

“I’ll be here to listen to you”, Sungyeol mutters to Myungsoo, “I’ll be here to respond and tell you stupid lines.”

Myungsoo grips onto Sungyeol tighter.

“So don’t cry, ok?” Sungyeol pokes Myungsoo’s cheeks, “crying is so unmanly you know?”

“No it isn’t”, Myungsoo chuckles when he remembers catching Sungyeol cry over a message his mother sent him for his birthday and the other had told him his tears were as manly as any man.

The next morning, Sungyeol wakes up but couldn’t get out of bed without peeling Myungsoo off of him. Which of course, is what he did. He came back with a cup of coffee to find Myungsoo stirring within ten seconds.

Myungsoo carries the blankets and pillows out of their bedroom and out onto the couch in the living room, which surprisingly, was not occupied by Dongwoo.

“Just want to sit together and cuddle today”, Myungsoo yawns as he flops himself onto the couch and Sungyeol follows suit.

The other members woke up to find Myungsoo and Sungyeol sleeping on the couch with a thin blanket and a cup of half finished coffee.

Sungyeol found himself staring at his sweaty self through the reflection in the mirror walls of the training room. He averted his gaze a little to see Myungsoo sitting by the door, no doubt, waiting for him.

He’s not working hard enough. Sungyeol withheld a sigh as he turned around and shot Myungsoo a smile. The younger smiled back as he stood up and dragged Sungyeol out of the training room, a short break would be effective.

As Sungyeol took big gulps of water, he realised that he was stressed. It just hit him, just like that, he was stressed, he was actually really, really stressed.

He sighed.

And Myungsoo reached and squeezed Sungyeol’s hand tightly.

“Come on, break is nearly over”, Myungsoo says softly and tugs Sungyeol gently.

Sungyeol nods but does not squeeze Myungsoo’s hand back in reassurance. He had time, but also didn’t have time either. He needed to improve at a faster rate, he was no good like this, he wants to catch up to everyone else, wants to proudly say that he’s just as good, wants to be the actor he’s always aspired. And Sungyeol takes in a deep breath when he realises that so long as he could be the ideal actor, the actor he wants to be, he can act to be just as good, act to have the pride to say that he is on the same level. All he needed is that one accomplishment.

The tallest member of Infinite shifts his weight onto one leg as he stands at the back of the training room, it was as though the pressure he placed on himself just tripled in weight. As he laid in bed that night, with Myungsoo holding onto one of his hands, Sungyeol thinks about the way his limbs moved, thinks about the way his voice wouldn’t come out the way he wanted to and knows that he is long off from being the perfect actor.

He sleeps with a head full of thoughts. He dreams of nothing but thorns. He wakes shuddering and sweating with his breath caught on his dried up lips.

A month later, Sungyeol is still waking early and bringing a cup of coffee to wake Myungsoo. They sometimes sit and do nothing, they sometimes study together, train together or just simply link arms, hold hands and chat. They eventually got into the habit of showering together just before breakfast so they can feel refreshed for the new day.

It was a bit after lunch during their break when Sungyeol’s phone vibrated.

“I got a text from my brother”

“Daeyeol?” Myungsoo asked, his eyes curious.

Sungyeol nodded, “he says ‘Hyung, I love you’, random isn’t it?”

“When was the last time you messaged him?” Myungsoo asks

Sungyeol purses his lips as he tries to remember, he shakes his head and then scrolls through his conversation history with his younger brother. His eyebrows fall forlornly and he looks upset as he turns his eyes to look at Myungsoo.

Myungsoo stares back, waiting for an answer, “don’t tell me, the last time you messaged him was a couple of months ago!”

Shaking his head, Sungyeol lifted his knees up and buried his head in them, “no, not THAT long ago, just, it’s been nearly a month…”

Myungsoo puts an arm around Sungyeol’s shoulders, “that’s why he texted you such a text.”

“What should I text back?” Sungyeol wonders as he suddenly whipped his head down, hurriedly fumbling with his phone, worrying over how to text his brother back, apology first? Declaration of mutual bromance? Sungyeol wanted to scream.

“Here”, Myungsoo took Sungyeol’s phone and typed in a message for him, before he passed the phone back to Sungyeol, “it’s fine like that right?” And before Sungyeol could even finish reading the message, Myungsoo had already pressed send.

“Wha-wait, hold on, Myungsoo, you did not just type that strange message and send it to Daeyeolie!”

Myungsoo pretended to look confuse, “what do you mean? How is ‘I love Myungsoo the most~♥’ strange?”

Sungyeol shook off Myungsoo’s arm and stood up dramatically, still holding onto his phone, he was overreacting, but he had to, “Daeyeolie is going to be so dramatic and complain about sibling negligence and then, oh gosh, what if he tells my mother!? She’ll definitely find the chance to lecture me about how to love my younger brother more, I don’t even want to imagine-“

“Sungyeolie”, Myungsoo interrupted, “your phone just vibrated with a new message.”

Immediately sitting down again, Myungsoo placing his arm around Sungyeol’s shoulders again, the two read the message from Daeyeol together.

“What!?” Sungyeol screamed as Myungsoo laughed.

“Myungsoo!” Sungyeol pouted and tried to glare at the other, “what does Daeyeol mean by you liking him more because his face is more handsome!?”

Myungsoo tried to calm his laughter down, he could feel tears prickling his eyes, and Sungyeol was looking at him like such a betrayed little puppy, he just wanted to hug him close.

“Are you telling me that all this time you’ve only liked me, liked me for my, my face!?”

Myungsoo only laughed harder.

Sungyeol stood up, angry and stomped with a foot, “and that you actually love Daeyeolie more!” He fumed, “I! I-urgh!” Sungyeol turns away from the laughing Myungsoo and bumps into Woohyun who was just walking out of his room.

“Hyuuuuung~” Sungyeol whines before immediately latching himself onto Woohyun’s arm.

Woohyun gives Sungyeol a blank stare before he looks over with confusion at Myungsoo who was finally calming down.

“Hyung!~” Sungyeol calls again, cutely.

Woohyun turns his attention back to Sungyeol, “what is it, choding?”

“I’m in a love triangle! The guy I like doesn’t like me back!” Sungyeol cried unhappily, “save me!”

“Huh?” Woohyun asked, totally lost and not understanding what was happening, did something happen between Myungsoo and Sungyeol?

“Daeyeol-“ Sungyeol began before he started pouting again.

“Oh, Daeyeol…”, Woohyun nodded, and then his face brightened as though he suddenly remembered something, “I heard that he’s quite popular at school. Lots of girls hitting on him and all.”

“What?” Sungyeol’s charade suddenly dropped as he let go of Woohyun’s arm. He pressed a number on his phone and called.

“Yah! Daeyeolie!” Sungyeol change of tone from a whiny brat to a serious and unhappy hyung shocked both Woohyun and Myungsoo as they watched on.

“Daeyeolie-ah, if anyone, girl, guy, anyone, if anyone lingers on your for a second too long, tell me, I’ll go hunt them down and make sure they never even come close to you again, oi, are you listenin-“ Sungyeol took his phone away from his ear and looked at it, “aish, that brat, cutting me off like that!”

“You’re…you’re rather protective…” Woohyun blinked blankly at Sungyeol.

“He has a brother complex”, Myungsoo smiled as he pressed his chest against Sungyeol’s back and draped his arms lovingly over the other’s shoulders.

“Hah…” Woohyun smiled awkwardly as light bulbs started going off in his head, “wait”, he looks at Myungsoo and Sungyeol again, “what happened to the love triangle?”

Myungsoo raised his eyebrows in amusement, “there never was one, Daeyeol and I were just teasing Sungyeol…because he always overreacts.”

“Oh, right, yeah, can’t be Daeyeol anyway, since he’s already heads over toes for his lover”, Woohyun nodded, he now totally understood the situation.

“What!?” Sungyeol was instantly bought back into the conversation as he took his eyes away from his phone, “he’s dating!? What!? Since when!? How come I don’t know? With who?”

Woohyun laughed nervously and ignored the glare that Myungsoo was sending him. He walked off with a wave and a smirk, “oh, and Sungyeol, you do know that now that you’re an idol, strutting around threatening anyone who even dares look at your brother is something impossible now right?” Woohyun laughed, trusting Myungsoo to hold Sungyeol in place.

“Myungsoo, you know right!?” Sungyeol twisted his body around so that they were now facing each other, “tell me~”

Myungsoo smiles innocently, continuing to hold onto Sungyeol tightly, “let’s just say, hm~ Daeyeol hit off quite well with Moonsoo.”

Sungyeol felt like crying. His baby brother was growing up way too fast, and he wasn’t even there to watch him and give him a shoulder to lean on. Wait. Moonsoo? Moonsoo!? As in Myungsoo’s cute little brother Moonsoo? (Sungyeol mentally corrected himself, though he would not want to admit out loud, but his younger brother Daeyeol is forever the cutest and that the word ‘cute’ should really only be used for him…)

“Stop talking about them”, Myungsoo muttered, a frown on his face.

“No!” Sungyeol screeched rather loudly.

Myungsoo rolled his eyes before he pressed his lips against Sungyeol’s, one of his hands rested on Sungyeol’s neck, lightly pushing so that their lips could press harder against each other.

“Hey, what’s with all the noise?” Hoya comes out from the training room and takes a look, sweat dripping from his cheeks, but he turns around immediately after noticing that Myungsoo was in the process of devouring Sungyeol’s face, “no, never mind.”

The kiss broke off and Myungsoo went back to hugging Sungyeol tightly. Myungsoo’s heart fluttered with excitement as Sungyeol clutched tightly onto him, the elder one’s hands grasping desperately onto Myungsoo’s back. He was happy, even if it was just a little bit, Sungyeol was responding to his advancement again even if ever so slowly.

“Hyung”, Sungjong calls and rolls his eyes at how they were just hugging and not doing anything else, “hyung, Sungyeolie-hyung~” Sungjong calls again, he wanted to just give up when Sungyeol still did not respond, holding tightly onto Myungsoo.

Sungjong sighs, “hyung, just wanted to let you know that your phone is ringing. It’s probably Daeyeol.”

At the word ‘Daeyeol’, Sungyeol immediately looked up, let go of Myungsoo and dove for his phone which indeed was ringing. He sent Sungjong a smile of ‘thanks’.

Smiling back, Sungjong ignored the unhappy stare Myungsoo was giving him, he made his way towards the training room, “break is nearly over, so just, quickly come to the training room after, ok?”

Myungsoo did not need that reminder, he thought to himself.

“Dae!”, Sungyeol picked up the phone with haste, “tell me they’re all lies! You’re not dating Myungsoo’s little brother! Last I heard you were still in love with that girl from cram school!”

“You scared her off”, Myungsoo muttered, moving to place his arms around Sungyeol’s waist, making sure that the other wouldn’t just disregard his presence now that Daeyeol was on the line.

“What do you mean that was too many years ago?” Sungyeol started fretting, he was feeling even more stressed already.

Myungsoo laughed, he knew it.

“What!?” Sungyeol more than screamed into his phone and then his voice went back to soft and worried, “yeah, sorry, I love you too by the way, bye.”

“Hm?” Myungsoo moved to stand beside Sungyeol, taking Sungyeol’s phone away from his hand and putting it aside, he replaced the phone with his hand instead.

“I didn’t know, I really didn’t know”, Sungyeol looked wide eyed at Myungsoo, “I bet you knew!”

“Know what?”

“That Daeyeol!” Sungyeol struggled to get the rest of the words out

Myungsoo smiled, “that Daeyeol?”

“That Moonsoo…”, Sungyeol took in a deep breath, “that Moonsoo and Daeyeol were seeing each other like 50billion years before we even started!”

Myungsoo shrugged, it wasn’t actually 50billion years ago, but it felt around that much, “come on, choding, let’s go training. Don’t want leader to be scolding us for being too late.”

Sungyeol gets a text just a bit before he sleeps from Daeyeol. It reads:

Hyung, you do know I was just joking right? I’m not dating right now. Moonsoo and I are just friends. I just wanted to scare you and make you worry over me a bit. ^^v

And Sungyeol smiles as he suddenly feels an overwhelming surge of longing to push his brother around the house, ordering him like a slave and then enveloping him at the end of the day and tell him that he loves him so very much.

He was just about to put his phone away when a thought suddenly hits him – just why was both Woohyun and Myungsoo telling him that his younger brother was dating then? But he believes his brother’s words over theirs, doesn’t he?

Sungyeol wakes up with a terrible mood the next day. His coffee is in hand and Myungsoo’s head rests on his lap and the other’s eyes bore up at him, it only made Sungyeol want to frown more.

“Myungsoo”, Sungyeol pokes Myungsoo’s shoulder, “if you’re sleepy, go back to sleep, I want to practice today.”

“mm~” Myungsoo nodded and then wrapped his arms around the other’s waist.

“Unlike you”, Sungyeol peels Myungsoo’s arms off of him and then as gently as he could, pushes Myungsoo off his lap so that he can stand up, “I don’t have all the time in the world to get better.”

“I think you’re wonderful right now”, Myungsoo looks up and tells the other with sincerity.

“I know”, Sungyeol tries to smile back, “but what you think does not amount to what I think and what everyone else thinks.”

Myungsoo doesn’t like that answer, but he knows it’s honest, and it’s true. He knows Sungyeol values all opinions, even if says he doesn’t. He knows the other treats him special, but his opinions weigh just as much as everyone else. Probably. Right?

Sungyeol suddenly squats down and gives Myungsoo a wide smile, “but Myungsoo, you’re extra special to me, so your opinion doesn’t, shouldn’t matter, since it’s obviously too biased, too skewed, it wouldn’t be right if I took it into consideration!”

And Myungsoo’s eyebrow twitches just before he grabs Sungyeol and hugs him tight before trying to place the other in a headlock. Sungyeol’s laughter distracts him and they end up rolling around the floor.

Later that day, Sungyeol leaves for filming and Myungsoo hesitantly lets him go. Sungyeol wants to be perfect. But that’s an aspect he’s not at yet, he has to keep on trying to hone on it, polishing and polishing till where there is nothing left to polish. He’s cheerful and serious at the same time when he’s talking to his fellow actors and actresses. He asks for advice, he asks how he can further carry out a certain emotion, he talks to the director and asks for suggestions. And Sungyeol notes them all and tries his best to incorporate them all. Sometimes, your best just isn’t enough. And Sungyeol feels frustrated. He’s deep in thought when he returns to the dorms.

Sungjong greets him with a tight hug. And Sungyeol knows that the other must’ve been just a tad neglected by his other hyungs. After all, everyone’s busy as of late.

“You really are the maknae here”, Sungyeol pats Sungjong’s head, “bet you’re totally different outside of INFINITE.”

“Goes without saying”, Sungjong quips, “I’m just like you, Sungyeol-hyung.”

Sungyeol blinks away his worry over the underlying meaning behind Sungjong’s words.

“Hyung, want to go train a bit?” Sungjong asks and knows that there is only one answer for that questions.

“Sure”, Sungyeol replies with half a smile, “but didn’t you just come back from your variety filming?”

Sungjong nods, “got back just a bit before you.”

Sungyeol worries whether Sungjong will be able to deal with all the stress. But he stops his thoughts when he realises that he’s dealing with them right now. He shouldn’t underestimate his members. They should all utilise their time well.

Sungjong and Sungyeol stare at the mirror and practice, but something just feels off. And just as they were going to leave to find someone to point out what look so awkward, Howon opens the door and smiles.

“I knew you’d be in here”, Howon walks into the training room and closes the door behind him, “I heard from Sunggyu-hyung that the two of you had come back but didn’t greet him.”

“Oh”, Sungjong shrugs his shoulders, “come help us, hyung.” He was sure Sunggyu wouldn’t grumble over it for too long if he knew that they were busy perfecting their moves.

Howon smiled and spent a great deal of time pointing out which moves could be improved on, spilling out techniques about certain heights they should be at for certain parts of the dance.

Sungyeol wondered for a brief second if he should leave so that Sungjong could spend some more time with his favourite hyung. He felt so out of places sometimes. But he wanted to improve. He was going to be selfish.

They finish up not long after and Sungyeol smiles gratefully at Howon.

Sungyeol checks the time and knows that he really should wash up and rest soon. But he wants to practice just a little bit more, go through the bits where he wasn’t so confident in, make good use of the tips Howon had given him.

He’s beyond tired when he’s sitting on the training floor, he makes his way out and crawls to the bathroom to clean himself up. His eyes land on the cupboard hiding the safety pins and he opens it up only to find that there were no pins there. Stumped, Sungyeol sighs. His fingers run across the many dots across his wrist, he presses his nails in a little, but it wasn’t the same. He didn’t get that cold shiver up his spine.

Sungyeol finds his own pack of safety pins in his room, in his handy backpack. He grabs one and presses it into his skin. He’s done it enough times to know that the pain from a pressing in shallowly and the pain from pressing deeper into himself is the same. And at that moment, he deduces that the pain receptors must just be on his skin, and not deeper. And he wonders if he’ll feel anything if he pushes even deeper. But it’s just cold, cold, cold.

Throwing the pin away, Sungyeol sighs and pulls out his blankets and pillow onto the floor and lies down. He looks up and doesn’t move. Myungsoo comes home and he’s still looking up, not moving.

They’re lying side by side, Myungsoo is watching Sungyeol who is blankly staring up at the ceiling. Myungsoo wonders if Sungyeol even knows that there’s another person in the room with him, lying beside him, watching him and his every expression.

“Cheer me up?” Myungsoo asks Sungyeol with a small smile, his hand already reaching to hold Sungyeol’s hand. He watches as the older member turn to look at him with a little surprise before blinking a couple of times before he bursts into a bright smile, Myungsoo isn’t really listening when Sungyeol tells the other the prank he had just accomplished or his plans for his next prank. Myungsoo isn’t really listening when Sungyeol tells him a joke, or the silly things the members have done without him knowing. But when Sungyeol asks him; “are you feeling better now?” Myungsoo hears Sungyeol loud and clear.

But that’s the question Myungsoo wants to ask Sungyeol.

He could see how hard Sungyeol was trying to cover up his insecurities, his sadness, his forlorn expression, he could see the cracks in Sungyeol’s smile. It wasn’t as though Sungyeol painted over his own depression poorly, no, Sungyeol hid it well, it was just, there was nothing about Sungyeol Myungsoo did not know. After all, there was no one who was keeping a closer eye on Sungyeol than himself.

Myungsoo chooses to not say anything for that moment as he pulls Sungyeol towards him, his arms wrap securely around Sungyeol and he breathes in deeply.

There’s tension in the room, but Myungsoo pays it no heed, one of his hands slowly wander to stroke gently through Sungyeol’s hair.

“I love you”, Myungsoo whispers to Sungyeol. It’s something they both already know, something that didn’t need to be voiced out, but Myungsoo found that words that didn’t need to be voiced out were easier to say.

Sungyeol does not give Myungsoo a verbal reply. He shuts his eyes and inhales deeply too. Myungsoo was warm. He was comforting, and Sungyeol felt that maybe, he could sleep well that night.

Myungsoo sees the new dots on Sungyeol’s wrists. He wonders where Sungyeol is getting the pins from, he was sure he had disposed of the ones in the bathroom. And he worries.

The next morning, Myungsoo wakes up to the smell of coffee. It was familiar now, to wake up and have Sungyeol stare at him with a cup of coffee. But this time, he woke up because Sungyeol was jabbing him with his foot. A blank expression decorated Sungyeol’s face.

Tiredly rubbing his eyes, Myungsoo looked at Sungyeol before he attempted to roll back to sleep. He could hear Sungyeol walk out of their room. Just a little worried and curious as to why Sungyeol didn’t continue to bother him, Myungsoo sat up from his blankets before lazily standing up and walking out towards their living room. Of all things, Myungsoo did not expect to find Sungyeol neatly folding Dongwoo’s blankets. He never really understood why Dongwoo enjoyed sleeping in the living room, but if it meant there was more room where he slept, he didn’t mind.

Feeling just a little jealous that Sungyeol was folding Dongwoo’s blankets, Myungsoo flings himself over Sungyeol’s back. He knows he’s being childish, but that doesn’t mean he could stop himself with those random impulses.

“You’re heavy”, Sungyeol speaks in a voice quieter than usual, he was complaining but he made no move to detach the younger one from himself. Myungsoo only smiles to himself and puts more of his weight on the lankier, skinny Infinite member.

Dongwoo suddenly pops out of the bathroom drying his hair before staring blankly and the MyungYeol couple.

Myungsoo stares back as Sungyeol keeps muttering how heavy L is whilst he tries to straighten Dongwoo’s blankets.

“The bathroom is free now”, Dongwoo jerks a thumb behind him towards the bathroom before he pretends he never saw a lazy Myungsoo hanging off Sungyeol as he walks off to the kitchen.

Myungsoo lets go of Sungyeol and walks towards the bathroom, he hears Sungyeol sigh and sip at his coffee. Wanting to keep an eye on the other, Myungsoo turns around and slips his hand into Sungyeol’s hands and pull the taller one into the bathroom with him.

“Yeolie, wash my back for me ok?” Myungsoo asks as he locks the bathroom door, smiling at Sungyeol who was just looking at Myungsoo with surprise, one of his hands still holding onto his mug of coffee.

“You know…”, Sungyeol started speaking as he watched Myungsoo brush his teeth, “since when did both Dongwoo-hyung and you started getting up early for showers?”

Myungsoo shrugged as he gurgled. There was no way he was going to tell Sungyeol that after all this time, he only got Sungyeol to wake him up early was because he wanted to keep an eye on the other. He could tell that Sungyeol was sinking deeper into what psychologists would call depression. Yet, Myungsoo didn’t know how to help. Didn’t know how to comfort. Didn’t know the right words to say, so to him, just keeping Sungyeol beside him was the best he can think of so far. By keeping him close, he can hold the other’s hands, hug him and kiss him.

Sungyeol finishes drinking his coffee, ruffles Myungsoo’s already messy hair and then walks out of the bathroom with a, “you can wash your back yourself.”

Panicking, Myungsoo quickly pulls Sungyeol back into the bathroom. He pouts and Sungyeol rolls his eyes.

“Do you need me to undress you?” Myungsoo asks lazily as he starts pulling his pyjamas off.

“No, I’m grown up, I can do it myself”, Sungyeol replied, deciding he’ll humour Myungsoo a little, “unlike someone who can’t even wash their own back when they’re twenty already~”

Myungsoo decided to ignore Sungyeol’s playful taunt. “So? Why did you get up later than usual today?” Myungsoo asked, the usual being Sungyeol’s recent insomnia.

“Felt like being rebellious and sleeping in”, Sungyeol smiled cheekily as he wiggled out of his pyjamas too. Now that he thought about it, it was strange for Dongwoo to wake up around the same time he did, no matter how ‘early’ it was. Sungyeol wondered if it was because he was too loud when making coffee…but nothing should wake Dongwoo up, right? Sungyeol shrugged, Dongwoo was a strange hyung.

They showered to get rid of the grime, Sungyeol diligently cleaned Myungsoo’s back as gently as he could before they sat in the bathtub together watching it fill up.

“This, is it the first time we’ve taken a bath together?” Sungyeol asked, laughing a little as he flicked some water over to Myungsoo.

Myungsoo nodded before he stuck his hand out, “pass me your hand, Yeolie”

Sungyeol passed Myungsoo his right hand.

“No, the other one”, Myungsoo reached to grab Sungyeol’s left hand. He bought it above the water and stared, counting the number of dots he could see, trying to remember if there were any holes that weren’t there the last time he checked.

Sungyeol watched Myungsoo with a blank expression. He didn’t quite know what to think. Was he happy that Myungsoo was keeping such close tabs on him? Yes, kind of, but he knew that Myungsoo thought that those dots of dried blood were because of poor skin conditions, and not because Sungyeol was mutilating himself, sort of, with a safety pin.

“Seems like your skin is getting better”, Myungsoo smiled, blowing teasingly across Sungyeol’s wrist. Sungyeol quickly snatched his wrist back only to have Myungsoo catch it again, this time, interlocking their fingers so that they intertwined with each other.

“It’s nice isn’t it?” Myungsoo asked, “time to time, to take a bath together.”

Nodding, Sungyeol relished in the warmth of the bath. It definitely felt soothing, it was a feeling of relaxation, totally different to when he’s studying and practicing in the training room.

“Hey Myungsoo”, Sungyeol suddenly spoke up, opening eyes he hadn’t realised he had closed, “what kind of girl do you want to marry later on in life?”

Myungsoo wanted to ask Sungyeol if he was sick with a fever running or something, but instead, with his free hand he reached and groped Sungyeol’s privates.

Sungyeol’s high pitched squeal was expected, so was the red face, the scream and the foot that was pushing at Myungsoo’s face – “oh my gosh, Myungsoo what are you doing!?”

“Checking to see if you’re a girl”, Myungsoo replied with a smirk as he brushed Sungyeol’s foot off his face.

Sungyeol found himself wanting to dunk his head into the bath with embarrassment, “you don’t even need to check to know that I’m a guy, dammit!”

“Just making sure my eyes haven’t been deceiving me all this time”, Myungsoo was smiling, noticing that Sungyeol was still holding onto his hand, just tighter, probably from the shock. But even so, Myungsoo felt tremendously happy that Sungyeol was actually willing to hold his hand tighter. As though he never wanted to let go.

“But no, seriously, I wonder what kind of girl Myungsoo really wants in the future”, Sungyeol thought out loud.

“Are you saying you want me to have an affair, cheat on you in the future?” Myungsoo asked, brows furrowing in confusion.

“What? I never said that”, Sungyeol looked back with furrowed brows at Myungsoo

“Well, you implied it”, Myungsoo wanted to hit Sungyeol over the head.

“Huh? How?” Sungyeol was quizzical, wondering why they always went out of topic whenever they talked.

“Sungyeol-ah”, Myungsoo took Sungyeol’s other hand into his free hand so that he was holding both of Sungyeol’s hands, “really, it hurts me when you ask such questions. I only want to start a family with you, no one else.”

Sungyeol sighed, “I’m going to die one day, you know?”

“So morbid”, Myungsoo commented, “even so, I’ll only ever want you, seriously”, Myungsoo spoke genuinely, making sure that Sungyeol was also looking deep into his eyes.

“You’re going to change”, Sungyeol muttered as he let go of Myungsoo’s hands and got out of the bath, “one day, Sunggyu-hyung, Dongwoo-hyung, Woohyun-hyung, Hoya, Sungjong and you will all get married and have a really happy family with children and a lovely wife…”

“And are you…too?” Myungsoo asked, “are you planning to have a wife, have kids, a family without me?”

“Well”, Sungyeol began, paused and thought a little before continuing his thoughts, “I seriously don’t think I’m going to live to that age.”

Myungsoo was speechless for a couple of seconds. He squeezed Sungyeol’s hand back, “what if then, what if you do live long enough.”

Sungyeol wanted to turn his head away from Myungsoo, the younger’s stare was piercing. Instead, Sungyeol just averted his eyes down so that his eyes were no longer staring into the depths of Myungsoo’s eyes, “I don’t think I will.”

“Why?” Myungsoo questioned softly, “do you not think that you might change too?”

“Because I know myself well”, Sungyeol nodded, “so I know that I, my heart won’t change.”

“That…” Myungsoo began but was interrupted by Sungyeol.

“Just, Myungsoo, you, your face is so flawless…and I…”, Sungyeol bit his lips, squeezed his eyes shut tightly and held his breath.

“Sungyeol, are you forgetting that it’s what is inside your heart that counts?” Myungsoo smiled, his free hand reaching out to caress Sungyeol’s soft cheeks whilst attempting to wipe away the tears.

“I know”, Sungyeol sniffed, he didn’t know why he was tearing up just thinking about this, but he continued trying to explain to Myungsoo his thoughts, “you’re such a warm person, you can be cute and goofy, so loving and so ideal.”

“Even though I can be so short tempered and so stubborn?” Myungsoo pulled Sungyeol closer

Sungyeol nodded.

Myungsoo finds it nearly unbelievable that he didn’t know that Sungyeol’s insecurity were rooted so deeply. Perhaps he had had suspicions, but he had never really thought about it. He had just pushed it aside, thinking that it wasn’t possible to be so insecure and not show it at all. Perhaps, Sungyeol really is Infinite’s best actor, no, he had known for a long time that Sungyeol is a great actor. He just wanted to be the one to always be able to spot out when the other was acting or not, that’s all. Myungsoo held onto Sungyeol tighter, his heart breaking every time Sungyeol’s breathing became uneven and ragged, the after effects from crying.

By the time they hopped out of the bath and get dressed, Sungyeol is all dorky and smiling again. And Myungsoo knows he should not be surprised at the rate in which Sungyeol puts his mask back on, but he is. He, however is comforted by the fact that Sungyeol reached out to hold his hand, only letting go when they were eating and practicing.

A couple of night later, Sungyeol lies next to Myungsoo as they wait for Dongwoo to finish up in the bathroom. Their hands still connected.

“Myungsoo-ah”, Sungyeol says softly, he turns his head to the side so that he was looking at the younger, when Myungsoo turned back to look at him, Sungyeol knew that Myungsoo was listening.

“What is it?”

“I think I’m depressed”, Sungyeol confesses in a very quiet voice. As though it was something he was totally ashamed and embarrassed about.

“Do you?” Myungsoo asks, just as quiet.

“Yeah”, Sungyeol nods, his heart beating a little faster than he would’ve liked when Myungsoo shifted a little, his hand squeezing his own.

“Hm~” Myungsoo doesn’t really know what to ask, what to say. Doesn’t know how to tell Sungyeol that he cares and that he wants Sungyeol to trust and lean on him and just, he doesn’t know how to tell Sungyeol so many things. So he squeezes the other’s hand.

“I don’t think it’s too serious though”, Sungyeol states, as though saying that will make Myungsoo feel a little better, make himself feel a little better, “it’s mild depression?” Sungyeol pouted a little, he didn’t quite know the terms to use, “like, I, usually, well, it’s quite fleeting, and I don’t always feel so blue that I feel like dying is my only option.”

Myungsoo continued staring at Sungyeol and nodded.

“Sometimes, I don’t feel bad when I’m around you guys”, Sungyeol told Myungsoo, “I think, you guys are a distraction from my thoughts, kind of, you brighten up my world, I guess.” Sungyeol gave Myungsoo a small smile before he continued talking, “like, the sun in the sky.”

Myungsoo smiled back a little.

“But then, it really is like that, on rainy days, when the sun is clouded over, I can’t, and it hurts. At night, when it’s just the night sky, and I’m by myself, it hurts. Myungsoo, I, do you hate me now?”

“Why?” Myungsoo asked

“Because I’m using you and the members as distractors to pull myself away…” Sungyeol took in a deep breath, “I don’t know what I’ll do when the sun will cease to exist, when we won’t be together anymore.”

Myungsoo shook his head, “I don’t hate you”, he pulled Sungyeol closer to himself. It didn’t matter if they smelled of sweat, dirty from a hard day’s worth of training. Myungsoo wanted to have Sungyeol in his arms, “Sungyeol, I’m going to be here, right beside you, pull onto me when you’re suffering, I’ll make sure you’ll be able to come back to us, smiling, and happier than before.”

Sungyeol wanted to laugh, “I think I depend on you way too much.” To him, Myungsoo’s words always sounded so…believable. Maybe it was because Myungsoo is forever stubborn. Sungyeol wondered if he’d even be able to breathe when Myungsoo will one day leave his life. People change over time, they move on and sometimes even end up looking fickle. He wasn’t stupid. Sungyeol knew. And he dreaded waiting for it to happen. He is extremely selfish after all.

Myungsoo’s hand went up to ruffle Sungyeol’s hair, “I depend on you a lot too, you know?”

Head still buried in Myungsoo’s neck, Sungyeol shook his head, no, he didn’t know at all.

Myungsoo pulls away a little, his free hand cradles Sungyeol’s cheeks, he lifts them a little and presses his lips against Sungyeol’s lips. The older opens his mouth to let Myungsoo kiss him deeper. But Myungsoo wants to cry out in pain when Sungyeol does not kiss him back, only letting Myungsoo do whatever he wants. However, Myungsoo’s soul is tranquilised when he feels Sungyeol squeeze his hands. Even if Sungyeol was currently not interested in kissing, at least he still wanted to hold hands with Myungsoo.

Pulling away, Myungsoo kissed Sungyeol’s nose and then looked into the other’s eyes, “when you’re hurting, tell me, I’m here to listen.”

Sungyeol nodded. Tears were already pricking his eyes. He feels dirty. Next to Myungsoo, he feels dirty. And Sungyeol has to remind himself that he’s not just so he knows that he can look Myungsoo in the eye.

Myungsoo frowned a little and wiped away the tears. He doesn’t know if he’s said the right words, but he wants to believe what he’s telling Sungyeol is the correct thing to say.

After a performance on Inkigayo, Sunggyu pulls Sungyeol aside when they reach their dorms. The leader looks at Myungsoo who’s holding tightly onto Sungyeol’s shoulder, “Myungsoo, I want to talk to Sungyeol, alone.”

Myungsoo looks at Sungyeol and then back at Sunggyu and smiles, “he’ll tell me later anyway, so I might as well stick around and listen to what you want to tell our Yeolie.”

Sunggyu pretends to ignore Myungsoo (he wondered briefly when Myungsoo started to not quite listen to his orders) and looks at Sungyeol. The taller one shrugs, “I don’t mind.”

Running a hand through his hair, Sunggyu stares at Sungyeol for a while before he starts speaking, “you, you haven’t been looking good recently.”

Sungyeol raises an eyebrow. Myungsoo purses his lips. He thought that he was the only one who notices the subtle changes associated with Sungyeol. Obviously their leader had scrutinizing eyes on everyone.

“I asked around”, Sunggyu stated, “manager-hyung says that you haven’t been sleeping well.”

“Oh”, Sungyeol nodded, finally knowing where Sunggyu was heading with the conversation. He ignored the stare that Myungsoo was giving him.

There was a thick silence in the air as Sunggyu thought about what words he should use to ask Sungyeol who was looking terribly vulnerable. Myungsoo’s grip on Sungyeol’s shoulder only tightened. He didn’t know that Sungyeol wasn’t sleeping well. It was something he was going to talk about with the other later. After their leader is relieved that nothing dangerous is going on.

“I know you guys have been waking up earlier than early nowadays”, Sunggyu told the two and then muttered, “though I have no idea how you’re both living on such little hours of sleep.”

“Coffee”, Sungyeol smiled brightly, “hyung, you should try it too if you ever want to wake even earlier.

“Sungyeol-ah”, Sunggyu’s voice suddenly became more assertive and Sungyeol knew that Sunggyu was going to finally get to the point.

“Are you having nightmares?”

“What?” Myungsoo blurted out before Sungyeol could even respond to Sunggyu’s question. But they both did not miss the moment when Sungyeol averted his eyes from the leader for a second.

Sungyeol took in a deep breath and nodded. He could not lie, not to his leader who already knows. He felt ashamed as soon as he felt arms (most likely Myungsoo’s arms) wrap around him.

“How long has it been going on for?” Sunggyu asked, reaching out to bring Sungyeol into his arms.

“I can’t remember”, Sungyeol confessed with a shaky voice, “I just keep thinking that they’ll slowly dwindle away, so I try not to think about it.”

“Do you want to tell me what they’re about?” Sunggyu asks, trying to soothe the other.

Sungyeol shook his head, he didn’t want to tell anyone what his nightmares revolved around, “I’m sorry, hyung.”

Sunggyu nods with acknowledgement, “it’s okay, you can always tell me when you want to”, he lets go of Sungyeol  and brings up a proposition, “there’s a method”, Sunggyu speaks and waits for Sungyeol to look him in the eye before he continues speaking, “a way to rid of your nightmares.”

“Hyung?” Sungyeol wonders why he had never even thought about trying to get rid of his nightmares, he had only thought about ignoring them and hoping for them to disappear.

“It’s a method commonly used with little kids”

“Little kids?” Sungyeol is sceptical and he makes sure his leader knows that he’s unhappy with the words ‘little kid’.

“Well, you’re Infinite’s choding, so I was thinking that this must work”, Sunggyu joked, “I’m sure you must know about it too, sleeping pills, they’re given to little children who suffer from nightmares.”

“Oh…oh!” Sungyeol felt so stupid for not even thinking about such a simple solution.

“I take them from time to time”, Sunggyu says, “only when it’s really necessary though.”

(Sunggyu really didn’t want to make the younger members really think that he took even more pills for his health than what they already know of.)

Myungsoo did not like the idea of Sungyeol taking medication. Sungyeol wasn’t sick. He doesn’t need to take medication.

“Maybe you should give it a try”, Sunggyu suggested as he passed a bottle of sleeping pills to Sungyeol, “read the instructions carefully ok?”

Sungyeol nodded dumbly and thanked the leader who pat his head and then walked away, “I’ll try them tonight, thank-you.”

Noticing that Myungsoo was still staring at him, Sungyeol looked over to the younger who still had his arms tightly wrapped around him, “what’s wrong?” Sungyeol asked, unhappy with the sour expression Myungsoo was wearing.

“I didn’t know”, Myungsoo whispered, “I didn’t know that you haven’t been sleeping because of nightmares.”

“No one knew”, Sungyeol stated.

“Manager-hyung knew”, Myungsoo sighed. He didn’t like it. He found himself to be the one closest to Sungyeol, yet there were things other people knew of and he didn’t even know. Myungsoo felt just a little useless and a little guilty.

“I…he must be a light sleeper”, Sungyeol replied, nodding to himself, and then he remembers that sometimes, when he woke up early, he did remember someone in his room shuffling about in their bed, it must’ve been their worried manager.

“Wake me up the next time you wake from a nightmare, ok?” Myungsoo asks Sungyeol, really wanting the other to lean on him more.

Sungyeol shakes his head, “I, no, it’s ok”, the older shook Myungsoo off of him before he walked into his room.

Myungsoo did not frown, he merely followed Sungyeol.

“If you’d like, you can always sleep with me”, Myungsoo told Sungyeol, watching as he picked out pyjamas to change into after showering.

Sungyeol laughed. Myungsoo blinked.

“I’d rather not wake up with bruises all over, you move a lot when you sleep, I have no idea how Dongwoo-hyung survived sleeping beside you”, Sungyeol chuckles and shakes his head.

Dongwoo chooses that moment to walk in at the sound of his name, “what? What’s this about me?”

“Ah, nothing!” Sungyeol replies quickly, “hyung, you showering?”

Dongwoo looks a little suspiciously at the other two but decides to ignore it, “yeah, I’ll let you guys know when I’m done”, he takes his clothes and heads out.

Myungsoo sits next to Sungyeol who was sitting against the wall and asks, “do you want to talk about it?”

“Hm?” Sungyeol feigns ignorance. He knows well what Myungsoo wants to ask him.

“Want to talk about it?” Myungsoo places a hand on top of Sungyeol’s hand, “your nightmares.”

Sungyeol smiles and shakes his head, “let’s talk about something else!”

“No”, Myungsoo said, he held onto Sungyeol’s hand, making sure the other won’t pull away, “do you still not trust me?”

Sungyeol just wanted to laugh the conversation off.

Myungsoo knew that Sungyeol had trouble delving really personal matters to people, he knew that Sungyeol was afraid to place an imaginable amount of trust into other people. But that didn’t stop Myungsoo from wanting Sungyeol to trust wholly in him.

“I’m not going to leave you”, Myungsoo assured, tightening his hold on Sungyeol’s hand. He gave Sungyeol a confident smile.

Looking at Myungsoo, Sungyeol returns the smile, “it’s hard…I can’t help but think that you’re going to leave me one day.”

Staying quiet, Myungsoo only keeps looking at the insecure Sungyeol and waits for him to keep talking.

“Eternity doesn’t exist”, Sungyeol sighed even though he was still wearing a smile, “people come and then they go, in each stage of our lives, people just enter and exist, one day, you will exit from my life too”, Sungyeol smiled a little bitterly at Myungsoo, “I don’t think I’m capable of investing so much in someone who will leave me in the end.”

“Does that mean, if you know everything about me, that if you know that I trust you whole heartedly and know that I will not leave you, then you will trust me too?” Myungsoo asked, watching as Sungyeol thought over it. If Sungyeol knew everything there is to know about Myungsoo, he’d know that Myungsoo would never leave Sungyeol.

Myungsoo decided to not wait any longer as he started sprouting anything he could think of, but after a while, Myungsoo realised that the things he was telling Sungyeol, the other already knew. Placing his free hand behind Sungyeol’s neck, Myungsoo pulled the taller one in for a kiss. Lips parted and tongues met, the kiss was as simple as that.

“Look, you even trust me enough now to kiss me back”, Myungsoo smiled happily at Sungyeol, “surely, you can tell me.”

Sungyeol touched his lips gingerly, “I, I guess”, Sungyeol squeezed Myungsoo’s hand a little, “they’re actually not that bad, the nightmares, they just keep me from falling back to sleep. They’re nothing too gruesome, just blood, nothingness and a lot of screaming.”

“Mm~” Myungsoo prompted for Sungyeol to keep talking.

“I get a lot of repeated nightmares. It’s chilly. In the end, I’m usually alone, falling off what I assume is a cliff”, Sungyeol tried to explain his nightmares, but they never really made much sense, so it was hard to recall, “I just, wake up, frightened, sweating, and then I can’t fall back asleep. The off chance I do fall back asleep, I just have another nightmare, and well, who will put themselves through that pain? It’s not like I’m trying to kill myself.”

Myungsoo was glad that Sungyeol told him truthfully that he did not want to kill himself. The younger plucks up his courage and asks the older, “before, the pins…” and that is all Myungsoo needed to say for Sungyeol to understand what Myungsoo was trying to ask. Understood that Myungsoo had never bought his lame excuse of rashes, that Myungsoo knew from that night on that Sungyeol had relented to the ‘comfort’ of the safety pins.

“The pins”, Sungyeol consciously wants to grab his wrists, but the hand holding onto his hand prevents him from taking his own hand back, “it’s not like I want to kill myself, really”, Sungyeol looks at Myungsoo, asking silently, praying that Myungsoo understood him clearly.

He wanted to live. Right now, he isn’t good enough for a lot of things. He doesn’t find himself worthy of Myungsoo’s attention, or anyone else for that matter. But because he is still living, he can improve, and one day, he will deem himself worthy of gentle eyes and soft fluttering kisses. One day, he will say with 100% confidence that he belongs to Infinite like all of his members, he will be able to say that he belongs to his family and that he is a good son.

“I hear you”, Myungsoo pressed his forehead against Sungyeol’s forehead, “I hear you”, he repeated before he pulled away and placed a kiss on the other’s nose.

Sungyeol brings a hand up to fix his fringe and bangs a little, a smile tugging at his lips, “you know, I just wanted to remind myself that I could still feel.”

“Feel?”

“Yeah”, Sungyeol nodded, “I could feel when I poked myself, each time, the pin would tell me that I can still feel, that I’m not numb yet. To me, it was soothing to know that my pain sensors were still there.”

There were so many comments Myungsoo wanted to make, but they were all inappropriate, so he opted to not say anything at all.

“I think, I’m scared of death”, Sungyeol sighed, yeah, he was scared of death. That was probably the main reason he chose not to slice open his wrists. He didn’t want a messy death, nor did he want to leave scars on his wrists for the whole world to see. If he died, he wanted to die beautifully and peacefully, not something filled with blood, not something similar to his nightmares, no, no, no.

“Sometimes…I feel like giving up”, Sungyeol confessed, “but I know that this road is the path that I have chosen, and I feel blessed, I guess, that I’ve been given this chance to walk down this road with everyone, so, so…”

Myungsoo realised that Sungyeol was choking up in tears and quickly wrapped his arms around the other. He hadn’t meant to see Sungyeol cry. It was cute, he admitted, but he knew the other was in pain, and no matter how adorable the other looked whilst crying, the fact that Sungyeol was suffering just tugged too hard on Myungsoo’s heart. Myungsoo felt bad for bringing up the topic, but was glad he did because it was necessary.

Sungyeol’s tears slowly stopped, his head was leaning on Myungsoo’s shoulders, “hey, I wonder, if a time will come when I will find something I would give my dreams up for.”

“You mean”, Myungsoo took in a deep breath, his eyes looking at their linked hands, “I’m not enough to keep you here?”

Sungyeol lifts his head from Myungsoo’s shoulders and wonders where that question came from. He really couldn’t think of anything that would drive him away from his dream, he does know that Myungsoo is a reason he’s still here though, “kind of, you’re a part of my dream”, Sungyeol mutters before plopping his head back on Myungsoo’s shoulder.

Blinking, Myungsoo couldn’t refrain the smile that carved its way onto his face. He was more than satisfied with Sungyeol. It was a little too cheesy, but Myungsoo brushed it off as the result of Sungyeol hanging around with Woohyun too much.

“Yeah, there’s many paths to my dream, if something blocks it, I’ll just take another route”, Sungyeol nodded as he told Myungsoo his thoughts, “I’m going to reach it.”

A couple of hours later, Sungyeol carefully reads the warnings and directions on the label of the small container of sleeping pills. He nods to himself as he takes the prescribed amount (for Sunggyu) of the tablets. He was hoping deeply that the pills would work.

The next morning, Sungyeol wakes up rubbings his eyes and he realises that the manager is shaking his shoulders, “Sungyeol, it’s time to get up.”

Sitting up albeit groggily, Sungyeol nods and climbs out of his blankets. He blinks a couple of times before he shakes his head and checks the time. He hadn’t woken up extra early. He looked to his side to find that Myungsoo was yawning and stretching his limbs as he got up. Quickly, Sungyeol goes to Myungsoo’s side and smiles happily, shaking the other.

“Myungsoo-ah! Myungsoo-ah!” Sungyeol cries with joy.

“Ah? Why are you so loud?” Myungsoo frowns and squints, “so bright…where’s your coffee?” He waves his hand around, signalling for Sungyeol to pass him a cup of coffee.

“I slept in today”, Sungyeol beams brightly, “I didn’t wake up abnormally early. The sleeping pills are working, Myungsoo, it’s great! I haven’t slept so well in ages!”

Myungsoo blinks away his weariness before he returns Sungyeol’s smile and hugs the other tightly. He knew that Sunggyu’s method had worked. He had woken up at the same time as every other morning the past month or so, yet when he looked, his Sungyeol was sleeping peacefully, so he had opted to snuggle back into his blankets to sleep some more, perhaps, he’d be able to dream the same dream as the other.

Sunggyu chooses that moment to open the door and interrupt the two, “Sungyeol?”

“Hyung!” Sungyeol smiles, “good morning!”

“Did you try the pills?” Sunggyu asks, “how was it?”

Sungyeol nods, “I slept better, thank-you so much!”

Myungsoo watches as Sunggyu smiles with relief. His mood immediately becomes brighter as Sungyeol’s mood obviously became fluffier, more excited, more smiles. And Myungsoo could not deny that he thoroughly enjoyed the attention Sungyeol was showering him with. Even before Sungyeol started acting weird, Sungyeol only returned Myungsoo’s advances when no one else was looking because he was shy. And now, after that one night of good sleep, Myungsoo could feel that Sungyeol’s excited and lovableness was slowly coming back to life.

“Myungsoo-ah”, Sungyeol passed the other an extra bowl of soup to the other, “you need to drink more of this, ok? It’s good for your body.”

Myungsoo looked up just a little surprised at Sungyeol, he had almost forgotten that Sungyeol could be caring like that. But then he sees the coffee Sungyeol is sipping on and reaches out to take that instead and childishly tells the other, “I want to drink the same thing as you.”

At the end of the rather tiring day, Sungyeol finds himself sitting in the bath together with Myungsoo. He yawns. He really feels as though he could just sleep fall asleep right then and there.

Myungsoo played with Sungyeol’s finger tips by poking them.

“You know, Myungsoo”, Sungyeol says as he stares at the other.

“Hm?” Myungsoo looks up and smiles at Sungyeol.

“The more I look at you, the more beautiful you are”, Sungyeol smiles, his hand moving to hold Myungsoo’s hand, “really, that’s what I feel.”

Myungsoo is a bit flabbergasted, he doesn’t know how to respond to Sungyeol. He feels way too flattered, too touched by Sungyeol’s words, Sungyeol’s feelings.

Sungyeol frowns before he leans forward in the small bathtub and presses his lips against Myungsoo’s lips. Myungsoo’s hand automatically slither around Sungyeol’s waist and holds the taller INFINITE member in place.

Leaning back, Sungyeol disconnected their kiss and pressed his forehead against Myungsoo’s forehead, he smiles widely and then presses his lips against the other’s lips again. And Myungsoo smiles even wider into the kiss, tongues meet and the kiss makes a messy turn. Sungyeol squirms a little when Myungsoo stars rubbing up and down his back. It was just a little ticklish. Myungsoo notices and wants to laugh, but instead, he continues kissing Sungyeol and pinches Sungyeol’s side.

When Sungyeol jerks and breaks off the kiss because of the pinch, Myungsoo laughs before he pulls Sungyeol in and hugs him tight.

“What was that for?” Sungyeol grumbles, nuzzling into the other’s neck.

“Your skin is too smooth”, Myungsoo chuckles.

Sungyeol pouts and ends up having his arms wrapped around the other’s neck.

“You know, Myungsoo”, Sungyeol smiles as Myungsoo’s hands wander across his back again, “in my eyes, you are the most beautiful.”

“But to me, you’re the most beautiful in the world”, Myungsoo whispers, “will you let me grow old with you? Someone so beautiful? Let me grow old with you who is so beautiful?”

“Eh?” Sungyeol pulls away and looks at Myungsoo with scrutinising eyes, “I swear you’ve told me that you think your bamboo pillow is the most beautiful in the world, since when did your perception change?”

“Since I’ve had you in my arms?” Myungsoo states a bit hesitantly before he quickly pulls Sungyeol back into his arms so that he could hide the blush that was slowly forming on his cheeks.

“It sounds like you’re proposing”, Sungyeol chuckled, jabbing Myungsoo’s side with a finger.

Myungsoo kissed the top of Sungyeol’s head, “what if I am?”

“Eh?”

“Don’t you want to sleep with me every night?” Myungsoo asks.

“Ah?” Sungyeol looks up at Myungsoo weirdly, “for real?”

“Well, I don’t have a ring yet…” Myungsoo bites his lips, “but, will my thoughts do for now?”

Sungyeol pulls himself up and places a kiss on Myungsoo’s cheek, “I will wait for the ring then.”

Myungsoo’s hand travels to hold the back of Sungyeol’s head, he manoeuvres it so that their lips were touching again. Their eyelids flutter shut and Myungsoo tries to nibble on Sungyeol’s lips as delicately as he can. Sungyeol winces anyway.

That night, Myungsoo noticed Sungyeol open up his laptop and type into it. He snuck a glance and noticed that Sungyeol had added new entries without him knowing. Myungsoo continues to read and when he realises that he’s reading the line ‘Myungsoo-ah, I really like you’ does the fact that Sungyeol knew he was peeping sink into him. He scoots forward and wraps his arms around the other’s waist.

“Me too, I love you”, his whisper into Sungyeol’s ear is laced with content.

(I love you, love you, you.)

Over the next couple of days, Myungsoo notices that Sungyeol is feeling better. Myungsoo remembers waking up at an ungodly time and catching an exhausted Sungyeol in the middle of a text conversation with his mother. He could slowly see more of the Sungyeol that wasn’t hiding behind a persona. Yet it didn’t take a genius to notice that the sleeping pills made Sungyeol look less active, as though his energy had been zapped from him.

It took less than a week before Myungsoo found himself waking up to the scent of coffee again.

“Sungyeolie?” Myungsoo sat up and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Sorry, it’s not working”, Sungyeol whispers before he leaves the bedroom. Myungsoo follows him.

The two sit on the wooden floor of their training room. Sungyeol is holding onto a cup of coffee.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Myungsoo asks with minimal hesitation in his voice. His hand comfortably rests on Sungyeol’s knee.

“I was going to try sleeping without the pills after a week, I was lessening the dosage I was taking each night, but last night”, Sungyeol glanced at Myungsoo, “last night, I had another nightmare and couldn’t sleep.”

Myungsoo rubs Sungyeol’s knee gently.

“I’m sorry for waking you up.”

Myungsoo frowns, “you don’t need to be.”

Sungyeol sighs into his cup of coffee.

“I heard that drinking  a cup of warm milk before bed will soothe you and let you sleep better”, Myungsoo said, still rubbing circles on Sungyeol’s knee.

“Myungsoo, I can’t, I’m going to end up even fatter if I do”, Sungyeol frowned before looking back down on his cup of coffee.

Raising an eyebrow at the taller member, Myungsoo decided not to comment on Sungyeol’s reasoning.

“Myungsoo-ah”, Sungyeol looks up from his coffee and at the other, “I think this depression is a symptom of the stress I’m going through.” He notes the worry written all across Myungsoo’s face, and then he remembers the smile the other had given him when he had told Myungsoo that he hadn’t had any nightmares, that he had slept peacefully. Sungyeol wants to see that more.

He’s just anxious. It’s a build-up of anxiety, of what-ifs, of lamentation.

Myungsoo grabs Sungyeol’s coffee and places it aside before he leans forward to envelope the other into a hug, “you can always share your burdens with me.”

“I’m sorry”, Sungyeol apologises, “you must be worried sick over me.”

And Myungsoo doesn’t even need to confirm that statement.

Sungyeol tells Myungsoo about his lack of confidence in his voice, he talks about how his acting just simply, isn’t good enough, he talks about how his limbs are too long and how he can’t feel the dance moves, he talks about how misplaced his feels inside of Infinite, he talks about how the layers of his dreams, he tells Myungsoo that he wants Infinite to do well, that it is one of his dreams to see Infinite as number one, but his ultimate dream is still acting. He reveals his insecurity when he stands next to Infinite, when he stands next to Myungsoo, he tells the younger that he just isn’t suitable in too many ways. He feels inferior, and he wants to work on it, but he doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. The distance between him and all the other members is a deep, deep rift that is, that seemed infinitely endless. Sungyeol keeps talking about how little words that don’t matter seem to pierce through him and manifest. He’s weak.

He tells Myungsoo that there are times when he’s laughing, and he’s not thinking about everything else that’s crammed into his head, and he likes that feeling, he confesses that he wants to be happy, that he likes watching Myungsoo smile, that he likes hearing the other’s laughter, that he likes the other’s touches, that he just wants to be the normal Lee Sungyeol again.

Myungsoo holds Sungyeol tighter. The Sungyeol he was holding in his arms now is a part of that normal Lee Sungyeol in which Sungyeol is searching for. Myungsoo tells Sungyeol that, and he wonders if he’s expressed himself clear enough. He wonders if there is anything in his words in which Sungyeol may misunderstand from.

Sungyeol takes in a deep breath and declares that he’s got to be stronger. That he was going to straighten out the messy him. He looks at Myungsoo, gives a small smile before leaning forward and placing a peck on the other’s cheeks. He watches as Myungsoo smiles and watches as the other’s cheeks dust pink. And Sungyeol chuckles, he stands up and pulls Myungsoo up with him, knocking over the cup of coffee in the process.

“Ah!” Sungyeol cringes as he quickly dashes off into the kitchen to grab a cleaning cloth, he walks back in and smiles sheepishly, “it’s me who’s clumsy for once.”

And Myungsoo whacks Sungyeol’s arm lightly before helping the other clean up. He starts humming the tune to their new title track and Sungyeol starts singing along, and before they knew it, they were singing together, looking at each other whilst making weird faces to see who would laugh first.

Smiling happily, Sungyeol was determined to try steer his life into the ideal position again, he wants to reach perfection, and he’ll just have to do it in his own way.

Because he is strong. So he needs to be strong.

That night, Sungyeol looks at the pills and feels pathetic to even rely on them. But they are supposed to work splendidly. They remind him to try and be stronger, it’s a stepping stone. And they give Sunggyu and Myungsoo both relieved smiles. Sungyeol tips out a couple and swallows them. He was hoping to have a nightmare free sleep, one where he can sleep without disturbances.

(He longs for the warmth of the safety pins.)

He wakes up not long after with tears streaming down his cheeks, a choke is muffled as he digs his head into his covers. Sungyeol grips the bottle of sleeping pills tightly and lets his tears soak into his blankets. This time, he had woken up from a dream where he had no contact with anyone. Where he wasn’t even a nobody. A world where he couldn’t even be ignored because he needed to be something to be ignored in the first place.

The next morning, Myungsoo does not wake up to the smell of coffee or Sungyeol’s or anyone else’s pester. Rubbing his eyes curiously, Myungsoo notes that Sungyeol was still sleeping. Even when sleeping, Sungyeol’s hair was still tidy and perfect. The younger ran a hand through his own hair and chuckled a little. He couldn’t get back to sleep again, because Sungyeol had been waking him up so early for so long, Myungsoo agreed that he was only up now because his internal clock had been reset by Infinite’s choding..

Stretching as he got up, the second tallest member of Infinite headed towards the kitchen, he was going to make a cup of coffee for the still slumbering Sungyeol. At least he could do that for his Sungyeol. Myungsoo tampered a little with the coffee machine in the kitchen before he felt as though he got it right, it certainly was a familiar smell. Smiling cheerfully, Myungsoo greeted their manager who just woke up.

Their managers worried but no longer raised an eyebrow when Myungsoo or Sungyeol and as of late, Dongwoo, woke up earlier than early.

“Sungyeol~” Myungsoo cooed as he went into their shared room, “Sungyeol-ah”, Myungsoo walked towards Sungyeol and placed the cup of coffee aside, “Sungyeolie? It’s not right for you to wake up after me you know?”

Carefully, Myungsoo took Sungyeol’s eye mask off and grinned. The other didn’t move, still looking as perfect as ever. Huffing quietly, the thought that Sungyeol might be pretending to be sleeping slipped into Myungsoo’s mind.

Putting his hands on either side of Sungyeol’s head, Myungsoo smiled and leaned down to press his lips on the other. He kept his eyes open to watch Sungyeol’s reaction, however, Myungsoo found himself pulling away before he could even think about Sungyeol’s lack of reaction.

His lips were cold.

“Sungyeolie-ah?” Myungsoo whispers as he moves his hands to cup the other’s cheeks.

His cheeks were colder than his lips.

“Cheer me up”, Myungsoo desperately begged the older his hands feel from Sungyeol’s cheeks and his fingers gripped tightly into Sungyeol’s stiff shoulders. Just, please, speak to me.

It took Myungsoo five hard minutes to acknowledge that Sungyeol was not playing dead, to acknowledge that Sungyeol was no longer breathing and to acknowledge that Sungyeol was dead. Sungyeol was the one who left first. Sungyeol was going to sleep for an infinite amount of time.

An empty sleeping pill container sat at the foot of Sungyeol’s bed.

The smell of coffee tingled with his senses as Myungsoo pulled Sungyeol into his embrace.

It only took another sniff of the coffee for Myungsoo to realise that Sungyeol was never going to answer him again.