Chapter Text
Leo had been a chronic pacer since he was a child. He'd worn paths around the entire lair from the circle's he's ran trying to keep his mind from running away from him. Paths outside doors, from considering if he should bother his family. Paths in the dojo or the living room, as he considers going to the surface to go get his brothers…
But his most worn path was the one in his own room. There was a line drawn into his carpet from how many times he had walked that same road, where the soft material had been stomped down and flattened. From walking briskly back and forth. Five steps, and a 180 turn. Always in the same direction.
This path was for when he was overthinking something that he didn't want his family to know about. When he was reconsidering the day's interactions. Wondering if it was worth sneaking out to get some air or have some fun when he knew he would absolutely murder his brothers if wanted to do the same thing.
Or for times like now. When he's considering if he should finally mail one of his many love letters.
Said letter is grasped gently in his hand- a habit he'd picked up since he was a child, who didn't want to risk damaging any of the few writing materials they had at home. Except now, he was being even more careful, because this letter contained the contents of his very heart and soul, and he wouldn't damage that for anything.
Except maybe to risk sending it to another.
He sighed aggressively, pacing picking up as he ran the idea through his mind over and over again.
Was it worth it?
Many people in Leo's life had said it was better to try something once and regret it than to live with the knowledge that you never tried at all. It was a philosophy that he had abided by on a couple occasions himself, but in this case he just couldn't bring himself to do it. The fear of rejection was too real in his mind.
If he sent his beloved such a devoted letter, and they responded with anger, or worse, disgust…
It would ruin him.
Moreso, because out of anyone he could have fallen for, he'd be getting rejected by his right hand man. The person he trusted most out of anyone in the world- the only one who he felt he could share his burdens with.
If he told Raphael his feelings, and lost him? Leo would never forgive himself.
He had thought about it. God, had he thought about it. Leo had thought about confessing by every means possible. When he realized his own feelings it took all his willpower to not shout it from the rooftops- he wanted to buy gifts and flowers and shower them upon Raph until it was clear how deep his adoration went.
And even as the puppy love, first-crush sensation disappeared, he still felt himself longing to speak the words at random moments. In the middle of a spar, when Raph looked almost demonic in his passion. During a relaxed conversation, in such delightful contentedness that Leo never wanted to leave.
But there was always that fear. It lingered like a bad cough. He couldn't. Even in the moments when he felt most confident, where his terror was outshone by pure reverence, he'd get tongue tied. Speechless.
The letter became a last resort. He couldn't speak the feelings into existence but by god could he write them out. Pages and pages of waxing poetry about emotions he could barely contain. Writing became his sanctuary- the place where he could express his love for the smallest and biggest of things.
But he couldn't make himself send it.
It wasn't enough. It wasn't nearly enough. And every time he considered sliding it under Raph's door…
If Raph hated him, Leo would simply die. There was no other option. If Leo was ever to do something to make Raphael despise him, he'd have to kill himself in his despair.
And if this letter was the thing that broke their bond?
He'd rather run himself through with his sword than face that fate.
He stilled his aimless pacing, mind once settling once more. Sighing, Leo stepped off the downtrodden carpet, and he opened up one of his cabinets to slide the letter atop a stack. The soonest of a thousand loving works of literature he'd written, all signed to Raphael.
He'd never send them. But at least… at least he knew they were there. That his feelings were realized, even if not by the one who needed to hear them.
The stack showed up in Raphael's room just after his afternoon weight lifting session.
He didn't notice them for a while. Brain melted from some good exercise and a hot shower, he hadn't paid much attention to his room. The space almost never changed. He wasn't on high alert.
It wasn't until he was grabbing a comic to settle into bed that he saw them. The letters. Pages upon pages of texts in a neat pile, of different shapes and sizes. Some came in sealed envelopes- store bought manila, paper, or handmade. Others were loose. They were written on all sorts of paper, too. Card stock or printer paper, some different scrap pages…
His first thought was that they were Mikey's. The little twerp probably brought them in while searching for something to "borrow" (read; steal) from his big bro, and just forgot to grab the letters while he was leaving. It could have been one of his experimental art projects.
But… looking closer, it missed some of Mikey's characteristic chaos. The papers weren't messily placed atop one another- there was definite care put into their organization. Edges atop edges. Nothing bulging or slipping out of place. Not to mention, it didn't look like the papers had a single crinkle.
He found himself intrigued. Not Mikey's then… but who's was it?
He picked up the letter to investigate.
If their owner wanted it kept private so badly, they shouldn't have left it in his room.
A classic envelope. Pure white printer paper, smooth to the touch. It was closed off with a sticker of a home-made sticker of a heart, the same shade as Raph's bandana. He snickered at the cliche, flipping it over. On the back were the words 'To my dearest brother, Raphael', written in deep blue ink.
It was in Leo's handwriting.
Eyebrow furrowing, Raphael flipped the letter around again in his hands. Why would Leo send him a letter? Or… glancing back at the stack, he reconsidered. Why would Leo send him a whole book's worth of letters?
Couldn't the guy just come over to talk?
And what was with the decor? It looked like some tacky thing you'd send to a new boyfriend.
Curiosity thoroughly peaked, Raphael flipped out his sai and sliced open the envelope. It was assigned to him after all- might as well open it. He just hoped this wasn't some passive aggressive memo, or something.
Inside the envelope was a folded letter, also made of printer paper. One sided- though he found some sketches of flowers and stars marking the back of the page. Interestingly, it wasn't as obsessively neat as Leo's usual writing. Generally, the perfectionist would spend hours rewriting the same text to make it look like it hadn't been written by hand at all. Raph's eyes caught on all the places where words on this paper had been scribbled out, whole sentences rewritten.
Had Leo meant to send this?
Raph sat down on his bed, and began reading.
Dear Raphael,
If you ever see this letter, I will have been braver than I ever have been. Whatever you think this may be- please disregard it all and hear what I have to say. I couldn't bear anything different.
I wished to write this to let you know that I am deeply, truly in love with you.
He stopped. Reread. Reread it again. Until the words became a permanent imprint on his mind. Until he could feel the cadence of them in Leo's voice, as if he was in Raphael's room, reading his own words over his brother's shoulder.
And still, they didn't make any sense to him.
Heart caught in his chest, Raphael's eyes scanned the rest of the letter faster than he'd scan a war torn battlefield.
I don't mean this as a brother. I don't mean this as a friend. I don't mean this as a close confidant, or even as your leader. This is different to those types of love. I know, because I know how I feel for our brothers, or friends, or father. This love goes beyond that.
I love you in a way I should not. As a lover. I long for more than platonic touch and familial words. I long for more than your trust and devotion. I long for you. As a partner. As my partner. In the company of my mind, my thoughts are filled only with you. Your gentleness, your protectiveness, your love and rage and beauty. It occupies my every waking moment.
I know it seems impossible. For a long time, I thought it was impossible. We're brothers. I shouldn't. But I can't help it. Everything about you has always pushed my buttons in such a way that it inspires me to be someone else. Someone reckless and unthinkable. And this version of me- he cares so much for you that it chokes him. It feels like dying, I love so you so badly.
However you feel about me, I only wish that you'd know. So that I could know that I told you- that you were aware of how dear you are to me, in such a different and wonderful way. I only wish that you won't hate me, because I fear these feelings will never fade. That I will forever be stuck dreaming of your love in equal measure.
Do not despise me for it. I love you. I will always love you.
It will only ever be you.
Yours forever,
Leonardo
Raphael's eyes lingered at those parting words. As if he could ever question where the letter had come from.
And then he reread the letter. Slowly.
He traced each sentence silently, mouthing the words, trying to imagine them coming from Leo himself. Every paragraph felt less real. If they weren't written on the very paper he was holding, he'd tell himself they were fake.
But this couldn't be more tangible. More visceral.
Leo loved him. Like… like a lover.
That was the exact word he used.
Leo wanted him as a partner. A romantic partner.
It felt so surreal to think it that Raphael was almost dizzy. The feelings arose from the unexpected confession were a jumbled mess in his own mind. He couldn't sort his thoughts from one another, all of it screaming for his attention.
Leo loved him. Leo, his older brother, the person he'd looked up to the most, ever since they were tots. Leo. The most perfect person in this whole insane, fucked up world. Untouchable, unattainable, incomparable Leo. Wonderful, horrible, fearless Leo.
Leo was in love with him. With Raphael.
It couldn't be clearer. He couldn't have been less subtle if he'd bought a ring and asked Raph to fucking marry him. This was the mother of all love letters.
Was that what all the others were, too?
Eyes wide, Raph's head whipped to stare at the pile on his table. Pristine works. Written in Leo's own hand, every single one of them.
Were they all for him?
Without thinking about it, he launched forward to grab the next one off the pile.
Card stock. This one wasn't in an envelope. It was double sided. The ink was in the same color as the heart sticker on the first letter. The same color as Raphael's mask.
That thought had been funny, before. Now it left him breathless.
My dearest Raphael,
His heart skipped a beat.
This letter was written very similarly to the other. Strong, poetic exclamations of feelings- so dissimilar to how Leo spoke to them in reality that it still felt unreal. He said much of the same. He complimented Raph's kindness, his caring. Leo said he'd loved Raphael as long as Leo had known him.
It ended in sprawling cursive.
Yours forever,
Leonardo
The stack migrated to his bed. And Raphael looked over every single one.
They differed. The ones inside envelopes shared similar sentiments. Wanting. Longing. For Raphael, of all things. They shared sentiments so strong that Raph could feel the heartache just by reading them. Each one was similar but so, so different. Hundreds, thousands of words, dedicated to Leo's feelings for Raph.
The ones outside of letters were better and worse all at once.
He found a set of stapled pages that spoke to Raph's nature. Dedicating themselves to his passion, his anger, his undying love for his family. There was a confession written on scrap paper about how much Leo loved how he looked. Compliments towards what felt like his every feature- how could Leo find a way to say he loved Raph's height?
Every letter Raph read felt like it clouded his head. He wasn't processing his own feelings on the matter- hell, he couldn't put his feelings into words if he tried. It made him lightheaded. Lighthearted. Like he was floating, somewhere above ground. Past the miles of dirt and concrete and off into the sky.
Leo loved him.
Leo loved him.
Leo loved him.
Leo loved him.
There were at least forty letters in the pile, and Raphael read every single one of them. He took note of how much older some of them seemed. Like they'd been written months or even years ago, without the intention of Raphael ever reading them.
The last (or maybe first) letter, at the bottom of the pile, was barely a letter at all.
I don't know what to do.
I've never felt like this before. I don't even know how to express it. How do I capture the depth of these feelings? How do I even begin to communicate them? Are there words to tell him how my heart swells when he looks at me? How my brain lags, my breath shorts, my hand shake? All it takes is a word, and I'm gone. Heart overtaking my head- I can't even make myself feel wrong for it.
Is this what love feels like?
I've never been in love before. I didn't think it would scare me so. I wish he wouldn't call me Fearless- I've never been so afraid. All because of him.
All because I love him.
It all feels so inescapable. Inevitable.
Perhaps it is. Perhaps I cannot run from this.
Maybe I am destined to forever be his. Maybe that was my fate all along.
God, did Raph understand the sentiment. He didn't have the words to even begin describing what he was feeling.
But…
If Leo could do this. Share his feelings in this way- so openly, so beautifully…
Maybe Raph should take a page out of his book.
After all, it had to be easier to write than to speak?
"One moment!"
Leo shuffled out of bed, smoothing back down the covers out of habit as he stepped to answer his bedroom door. He yawned quietly, neglecting turning on his bedroom light in favor of the reading lamp he was already using.
He opened his door to find Raph on the other side.
Leo felt a familiar warmness settle in his chest at seeing his direct younger brother. He smiled, head tilted at an unusual nervousness in Raph's posture and expression.
"Hey Raph. What's up?"
Raph opened his mouth. Only to wince and shut it again. Leo felt his brow furrow, glancing over the red banded turtle in an attempt to figure out what was wrong.
"Are you okay? If you need anything I can…"
Raph was holding the letters.
Raph was holding. The letters. Leo's letters.
Leo's letters to Raph.
Leo felt his face fall, blood rushing out of his cheeks as he gaped at the papers in Raph's hands. The papers that he was never meant to see, because Leo never intended to send them.
His heart felt like a physical weight in his chest, falling through him and onto the floor. The world tilted off it's axis, gravity fluctuating for a fleeting moment, leaving Leo unsteady on his feet. He had to assume that was what happened- what else could explain the absolute weightless terror that just washed over him?
Raph spoke, finally. Deep. Still nervous. Uncomfortable.
Oh god.
"So… I got your letters…" he said slowly. He handed them out to Leo, as if he couldn't see them very clearly. He wouldn't look at Leo's face.
"Oh." Leo replied, falsetto. He felt heat rush back into his face so fast it left him mildly nauseated. Face more red than green, he grabbed the neat stack, stomach dropping once more as he realized how many of the sealed envelopes were open.
Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Raph had read them. All of them, it seemed like.
Oh god, Raph probably hated him.
"Okay!" He squeaked, hands shaking. Leo pulled the letters towards his chest and pulled back into the room before Raph could say anything else. "Sorry, I'll see you, bye!"
Raph opened his mouth to say something, but Leo slammed the door before he got the chance. The letters fell from his hands in a flurry, as Leo slid to the floor.
"Oh god… oh my god…" he whispered, curling up as if that would stop his chest from splitting open.
He read the letters. Raph read the letters. Raph knew. Oh god, he knew how Leo felt. He didn't seem disgusted- maybe that was just the pity. Maybe he wanted to break it to Leo easy. Or maybe he was going right back out there to tell their family, so that they could all kick Leo out together for being a monster.
He couldn't help a muffled whimper from leaving him, eyes involuntarily welling up with tears.
Why had he ever written these stupid things? What on earth could have possessed him to think that was a good idea? Stupid, stupid- out of all the things he could have done with his feelings, why did he have to print them out and sign them? Why did he need to make sure there was a physical copy- undebatable evidence of his traitorous heart?
He was so stupid.
Of course Raph would find them eventually. Of course Raph would learn about his feelings. Leo wished it had been any other way. Now he was taking the cowards way out- refusing to face his brother so that he wouldn't have to hear the rejection outright.
Sniffling, Leo uncurled himself just slightly, blurry eyes taking in the mess scattered around him. The pages of worship spread out at his feet. He could remember every damning word, every carefully crafted sentence. Every paper there was used to spill his guts…
Except… he didn't remember that one.
That letter in light blue. He never…
When did he write that one?
Shuddering, Leo wiped his eyes with the back of his knuckles and grabbed for the unfamiliar paper. He had to blink the tears out of his eyes for the words on the paper to clear up.
Dear Leo,
His heart stopped.
What?
His back straightened involuntarily and he cleared his eyes again, just to make sure he was reading it correctly. The words stayed the same.
It was written in Raphael's handwriting. In pencil- some parts of the paper were lighter where Raph had erased words or sentences to rewrite, and there were markings where some of the words were imprinted on the page. It was messy.
It was from Raph.
Hope stirring despite his best efforts, Leo read over the words carefully.
Dear Leo,
I'm not a great writer, but I think I have to try. And I'm not good with feelings either, but for this, I'll do my best.
I didn't ever expect to get letters like yours. It was really heartfelt. I had to remind myself a couple times while reading that what you'd written was real, and not some made up fantasy. It all felt so crazy. You? Being in love? I mean, I could see it. But with me? That felt… out of this world. Crazier than the idea of mutant ninja turtles.
But I guess if there's one thing we can both prove, it's that crazy doesn't mean impossible.
I didn't know what to do with them. The letters, sure- but your feelings, too. I hadn't thought of you that way before. But as I kept reading them, it made more and more sense. We've always been closer to one another than the other two. I've always felt this need to keep you by my side. And I always thought it was me being protective or needy, but maybe it's always been like this. Maybe I just didn't have the words for it.
I still don't. Not really. Not like you do. But… is it enough to say I feel the same? That feeling of shakiness and breathlessness that you described. The… I guess it's adoration. I feel that for you. I always want to be by your side. I always want to be the one you rely on. The one you love.
I guess what I'm saying is, if you're willing to be forever mine… I'm willing to be yours too.
Just don't leave me hanging. I'm not writing another one of these.
Love you forever,
Raph
Before Leo could process it, he was off the ground and slamming the door back open.
Raph wasn't in front of Leo's room anymore. Leo stumbled over his feet on the way to Raph's bedroom, unusually unbalanced. Heart racing, he opened the door to Raph's room and ran in without even knocking.
Raph jumped up at the sight of him. Eyes wide, he opened his mouth to speak, but Leo cut him off.
"Do you mean it?" Leo gasped, eyes still wet and undoubtedly wild. "What you wrote- do you-?"
Raph was up in an instant, making his way to Leo with soft eyes. Leo felt like his heart was in his throat, the same tongue tied feeling present as every time he wanted to confess. Wordless.
Raph was in front of him and he wasn't rejecting him. Wasn't shoving him out. Wasn't calling him crazy.
The blue letter shook in Leo's hand.
"I meant it," Raph whispered into the air between them. One of his hands went to cradle Leo's face, unbearably gentle. "Every word. It's nowhere near as elegant as yours, but…"
Leo couldn't help it. He launched forward and kissed him.
It was warm- warm and soft and so much more than he ever could have wished for. Raph made a pleased sound and pulled Leo closer. It was so wonderful Leo could faint. His arms wrapped around Raph's neck as if he could keep Raph tethered there forever- in Leo's arms, lips locked, where they both belonged. Raph's arms fit perfectly around his shell.
They both fit perfectly together.
When Raph eventually pulled away, he made a concerned sound at the tears that were openly flooding Leo's face.
"Leo-"
"I was so scared," He laughed through his tears, "I thought you would- that you-"
"I love you," Raph said. The conviction in his voice was hard to argue with. "I didn't know it before. I don't think I ever let myself know it. But I love you, Leo. I want to be with you."
Leo nodded, throat closed up. Raph didn't push him for words. He'd read all he needed to know.
Leo pushed his head into Raph's neck and they held each other there, Leo sobbing while Raph muttered into ear. Words he couldn't express in paper seemed to flow easier here- when Leo was in his arms, he felt like he could say anything, and it would all be okay. So he muttered reassurances. He told Leo how much he loved the letters, how he'd struggled to write his own because he wanted Leo to understand how much it meant. And over and over again, he told Leo that he loved him.
When Leo finally quieted, they kissed again, as natural as breathing. Like puzzle pieces slotting into place. And when Raph shut the door, taking Leo to his bed to cuddle and cool off, they didn't need any more words between them.
The letters did their job. Now, they could both rest, in the arms of the person they loved.