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Severus was half asleep and deeply unwilling to move, which was inconvenient, because his pillow– which is to say, James– was breathing. Not even particularly obnoxiously, just steadily, his chest rising and falling beneath Severus's cheek the way it had every night for the past several months. It was predictable in a way that Severus had developed an unfortunate fondness for.
James's hand was loosely tangled in his hair, absentmindedly twisting a strand around his finger while he stared at the ceiling like he was either solving a philosophical problem or trying to remember where he'd left his socks. With James, it could honestly be either.
"Sev?" he said eventually.
Severus made a noncommittal sound that meant he was awake but not interested in being conversational about it.
"Do you think it's time we told people?"
Severus opened one eye.
"Told people what?"
"That we're together."
Severus hummed, considering this with the gravity of someone deciding whether to reorder potion ingredients or leave them where they were out of spite. He shifted slightly, resettling against James's shoulder. "Yes," he said after a moment. "Probably."
James glanced down at him. "That easy?"
"They will likely be surprised," Severus added.
James smiled, eyes bright with that familiar, irrepressible mischief. "Because you're so tragically out of my league?"
Severus snorted softly into his collarbone. "No, because you were such an unbearable arse at school."
"Was?" James said, offended.
"You remain an arse. You are simply an arse I tolerate recreationally."
James grinned, looking far too pleased with that phrasing. "How very sweet of you. Also, that was literally a million years ago."
"It was six years ago."
"That's basically a lifetime in emotional maturity."
"Prove to me that you have emotional maturity now, and I will agree."
"You weren’t exactly a beacon of morality yourself back then, you know. You hexed my eyebrows off."
"Yes, well, they grew back, didn’t they?"
"They grew back unevenly, Severus."
Severus tilted his head slightly so he could look at him, expression dark but eyes faintly amused. "You deserved asymmetry."
James bumped their foreheads together, carelessly affectionate. "Rude. So how are we going to make the grand reveal? I’m thinking fireworks."
Severus exhaled slowly, eyes drifting shut again. "And I’m thinking I’m going to go sleep on the couch."
"Fine, no fireworks," James conceded. "I don’t think it’s going to be such a big deal anyways. Padfoot is going to be so weird about it, though."
"Hmph. Your entire social circle is profoundly strange."
"Well, too bad for you, you’re part of it now. You’re a Marauder-in-Law."
"Please never call me that again."
James huffed out a laugh, then after a moment added, far too casually, "You’re not secretly reconsidering the whole thing, are you?"
Severus knew that James was fishing, but he decided to humour him. "...Not presently," he said, and James’ smile softening made the indignity worth it.
~
Sirius Black looked extremely amused, which was always a bad sign for Severus.
James leaned back in his chair, arm slung easily around Severus's shoulders, while Severus allowed it with the stiff resignation that probably wasn’t helping sell it.
"...Right," Sirius said finally. "Brilliant prank, Prongs. Very immersive. You even roped Snivellus into it."
Severus's mouth twitched. "Grow up, Black."
Sirius pointed at him with delighted triumph. "See, he’s even in character!"
"He's not acting," James sighed, "and please do not call my boyfriend any names."
Sirius leaned forward, eyes gleaming. "Okay, what's the punchline? Is this for a bet? Is Remus involved? Please tell me Remus is taking bets."
"Padfoot, this is my actual partner."
Sirius grinned. "Yeah, and I'm Minister for Magic."
James turned, grabbed Severus by the front of his robes, and kissed him. It was not subtle, not brief, and frankly deeply inconvenient for Severus's carefully cultivated aura of menacing dignity.
When they pulled apart, Sirius applauded.
"Wow. Commitment to the bit. I respect it, I really do. The emotional vulnerability? Stunning. The eye contact? Disturbing but brave."
James stared at him. "It’s not a bit! We— we live together!"
"Excellent worldbuilding."
"Padfoot, we share a Gringotts account. We adopted a Kneazle together. We have a mortgage."
Sirius leaned back, looking impressed. "A mortgage. Now that's dedication."
Severus pinched the bridge of his nose. "Potter, I'm leaving."
"Padfoot, I'm serious—"
"No, I'm Sirius, and you're full of shite. Great prank though. Top marks."
~
Running into Lily Evans four months later at Diagon Alley was honestly a scene pulled straight out of Severus’s nightmares. Not that he often dreamt of the Herbology section at Flourish and Blotts— he just really didn’t want to be present for the ensuing conversation.
"Lily!" James exclaimed as soon as he saw her, because he had no sense of self-preservation.
She looked up, smiled—then froze when she saw Severus, her eyes darting between them and taking in how close they stood, James's hand at the small of Severus's back.
"...Hi?" she said slowly. "What's going on here?"
"Oh! We're dating," James said brightly, like he was announcing the weather.
Lily raised an unbelieving eyebrow. "I’m sorry?"
James smiled. "Don’t be. Severus is a wonderful boyfriend, really!"
Severus immediately disproved James’ point by rolling his eyes and sighing loudly.
"I—" Lily looked genuinely distressed. "James, if he's blackmailing you, you can tell me. Does he know about the poetry? Because James, we all wrote bad poetry at seventeen, it's fine."
Severus smiled grimly. "I can assure you, there is no blackmail going on here— but just in case, tell me more about this poetry you mentioned?"
For some inexplicable reason, this didn’t prove effective in convincing Lily of their relationship status.
"Oh, Severus," she said, "Is this some kind of... atonement thing? Penance? You know, you don't have to date your childhood bully to prove you've grown as a person—"
Severus stared at her. "I'm going to leave now."
Lily turned to James. "You’re not, like, keeping him hostage, are you? He seemed very eager to leave. I swear, Potter, if I find out—
James groaned, and opened his mouth to explain, but Severus was already halfway to the door, and James had to jog to catch up.
~
Remus Lupin prided himself on being reasonable, but watching James feed Severus a spoonful of soup across the table made him wonder if reason had left the building months ago.
"You don't have to keep this up around me," Remus said gently.
James looked up. "Keep what up?"
"This." Remus gestured delicately between them. "Whatever strategic... alliance you've formed."
Severus narrowed his eyes. "Strategic alliance."
Remus nodded, deeply earnest. "I assume this is some kind of intelligence gathering effort. Possibly Ministry infiltration. Very brave of you both."
James burst out laughing while Severus looked like he was considering mild homicide.
"I’m sorry, Lupin, do you honestly believe the Ministry is powerful enough to convince me to voluntarily spend time with—" Severus gestured vaguely at James, "—Potter's friends?"
"Of course not," Remus said reasonably. "That's why you're dismantling it from the inside."
Severus stared at him. "I'm not—we're not—"
Remus nodded. "I understand."
"I don’t think you do," James said. "We’re engaged, for Merlin’s sake!"
"We are," Severus corroborated. "He got down on one knee in a Potions supply shop and the owner thought he was having a medical emergency."
"I thought it was romantic!" James protested.
Severus gave him a small smile. "It was."
Some of the colour drained from Remus’s face. "That's... a very elaborate cover story."
"We have matching engagement rings." Severus held up his hand.
Remus examined the ring. "...Enchantments can do many things," he said gravely.
~
They only discovered the betting pool because Sirius was spectacularly bad at whispering.
"Three months. I'm telling you, three months and they'll admit it was a bit," Sirius was telling Peter loudly at the bar.
"It's been two years," Remus said.
"Exactly. The long game."
"What long game?" asked James, dropping into the seat beside them, with Severus in tow.
Sirius beamed. "You two! When are you revealing the punchline?"
Severus set down his drink. "There is no punchline."
Sirius patted his shoulder. "It must be good if you’ve kept us waiting this long."
James leaned toward Remus. "How much money is in this pool?"
Remus hesitated. "...Enough that you might consider continuing," he admitted.
James gasped. "Padfoot, we could be funding our retirement."
"We are not pretending to be married for gambling profits," Severus snapped.
"Pretending," Sirius echoed smugly.
"I think what he means is, we are not pretending to be pretending to be married," James clarified.
Sirius shrugged. "All I’m hearing is the word pretend."
~
Remus invited him over on a Tuesday, which James felt was already deeply suspicious.
He arrived at the flat Sirius shared with Remus to find both of them sitting on opposite ends of the sofa with the coordinated posture of men who had rehearsed in front of a mirror. There was tea on the table. Biscuits. The good biscuits, too.
"...Why are there diplomatic snacks?" James asked cautiously, shrugging off his coat.
Sirius gestured for him to sit with the exaggerated patience of someone dealing with a skittish animal. "Prongs," he said gravely.
James stared at him. "Padfoot," he replied, matching the tone.
Remus cleared his throat. "James, we wanted to talk to you about something... delicate."
"Oh no. Is this about the time I tried to charm the kettle to whistle in harmony with itself? Because in my defense, it almost worked."
"It is not about the kettle," Remus said.
"It was very unsettling, though," Sirius added, shuddering.
James sat anyway, glancing between them. "Alright. What's going on?"
They exchanged a look, and Sirius made a vague, encouraging hand motion that suggested Remus had been elected spokesperson against his will.
"James, we know."
James blinked. "You know...?"
"That you're in love with Severus."
James opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again. "Yes," he said slowly. "Correct."
Sirius leaned forward, eyes bright with tragic sympathy. "And mate, we get it. We do. The pining? The elaborate fake relationship as a coping mechanism? Honestly, inspired. Slightly unhinged, but inspired."
James stared at him. "I’m not sure I’m following."
"You don't have to keep pretending, not with us. It's very obvious you care about him, and frankly, he seems... fond of you as well," Remus said quickly.
"Fond would be the word. In a terrifying, morally ambiguous sort of way," Sirius added.
"We've actually grown rather attached to him. He brings very good wine to dinners, and he only threatened Sirius twice last month, which is significant progress," Remus continued.
"I consider that bonding," Sirius said.
"James," Remus leaned forward slightly, "you should ask him out. Properly."
There was a long pause in which James stared at them. "...Properly," he repeated.
"Yes, for real this time," Remus said encouragingly.
James leaned back slowly into the sofa, hands dropping limp at his sides. "Okay. Right. Brilliant. Fantastic. Just so we're all operating with the same information here. We're married."
They both smiled at him with the patient, deeply understanding expressions one reserves for someone describing their imaginary dragon.
"Yes," Sirius said softly.
"Like, legally. Spiritually. Domestically. We filed paperwork."
"James, you don't have to escalate the story for our benefit," Remus said kindly.
"You attended the wedding."
Sirius waved a dismissive hand. "I attend loads of weird performance events for you."
"You gave a speech about emotional growth."
"I give speeches about many things."
"You cried!"
"It was very emotional!"
"Yes, because it was my wedding!"
Remus and Sirius exchanged glances, then looked back at James with renewed concern.
"James," Remus said carefully, "if you’re this committed to the fake marriage, you may not be able to give your heart to Severus in actuality–"
James stood up. "Right. Come with me."
He apparated them directly into his and Severus's bathroom, where Severus was in the bath reading, and looked up with murderous irritation.
"Potter, what—"
"Okay! Point proven!" Sirius yelped, and apparated them all back immediately.
They landed in a heap on the sofa.
"Oh," said Remus.
James picked up a biscuit. "I'm keeping these," he said, and walked out.
Behind him, he heard Sirius whisper, "Do you think we're invited to the actual wedding?"