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Not for the first time, Zhao Yunlan woke to the smell of citrus, sweet and strong in the air. Ack, did I fall asleep on my orange peel again?
Without fully turning his face out of the pillow, he slitted open a sleep-heavy eye - to complete, unchanged darkness. Reality came crashing down like a landslide. Right: still blind.
This was the third day - fourth, counting the night it had happened - and the strain of keeping up his cheer, not dragging everyone down, was starting to make itself felt. It was Sunday, they were at home, and Zhao Yunlan had lain down after lunch, claiming an urgent need for a nap. He'd even changed into his long johns, for verisimilitude. Shen Wei hadn't left his side since they'd come back from visiting the Yashou the day before yesterday - the supposed Yashou flea market they'd never actually found - and surely could use a break. Plus, he'd only worry more if he saw how out of sorts Zhao Yunlan was.
Zhao Yunlan had meant to use the time-out to formulate plans for dealing with Ye Zun, the Inspectorate, the SID. He must have nodded off instead.
But the Reunion Festival weekend's grace period was almost over. Come tomorrow, plan or no, he had to face his team again, his job, his bosses. Even if he couldn't see them.
His skin prickled. Where was Shen Wei? Was Da Qing here? No, the cat had said this morning he was going to visit Lao-Li - had told Shen Wei to take care of Zhao Yunlan, even. Damned cat. At least he'd settled down from whatever had got under his skin the other day at the hospital.
The fridge was humming. There were cars going by outside. And movement close by - the sound of a book being set down.
"Zhao Yunlan?"
Shen Wei's voice lit up bright pleasure in Zhao Yunlan's head, even now, and he grinned. "Shen Wei."
He breathed in the smell of oranges - or no, less tangy; maybe mandarins? They'd bought both yesterday when Zhao Yunlan had half-bullied, half-wheedled Shen Wei into going grocery shopping together. Shen Wei did like his fruit, always keeping plenty around. He must be sitting by the bed eating mandarins.
Fuck. Sitting and watching, just like that time he'd brought Zhao Yunlan home with a stomach ache. Zhao Yunlan's grin slid off his face. What must Shen Wei be thinking, always having to play nanny? Not that Zhao Yunlan needed one.
At least this time Zhao Yunlan hadn't brought it on himself - he'd defended himself with the Sundial, yeah, but if he hadn't, that masked Envoy-wannabe Ye Zun would have had him. So this was all Ye Zun's fault, and Shen Wei knew it too.
Small blessings.
"Zhao Yunlan, are you all right?"
Fuck again. Not seeing didn't make you unseen. He'd forgotten for a minute what his face must be giving away.
"Sure." Zhao Yunlan took the space of a stretch and a yawn to shove his embarrassment back where it had welled up from, then pushed the duvet down and propped himself up on an elbow. He rubbed a hand over his stubble, revived his grin and aimed it in the direction of Shen Wei's voice. "Hey, how long was I asleep?"
"Only an hour or so. It's still afternoon." Very close - Shen Wei must be sitting much nearer to the bed than he had that first time. Watching even more attentively. Heat flushed over Zhao Yunlan's skin at the thought. Though - not fair, when Zhao Yunlan couldn't watch him in return.
He forcibly redirected his thoughts. Wasn't it funny? Blinded by a Dixingren criminal, waking up to darkness and the presence of another Dixingren - that would have sounded like the start of a horror story a year ago. He couldn't have imagined this: the thrill of Shen Wei's eyes on him. The safety of it. Knowing he was being watched, wanting it.
Yes, damn it, even now. Even when his own blindness was the reason. Though if he knew how to make Shen Wei stay with him and watch without this kind of excuse ...
Still: they hadn't even kissed, and already Shen Wei had practically moved in! Even given the circumstances, this could be counted as excellent progress.
"Did you have a good rest?" Shen Wei asked, carefully. Yeah, he hadn't bought that grin, not one bit. Probably had those little worry lines between his eyebrows, too.
Zhao Yunlan had been torn between frustration and relief at Shen Wei's overprotectiveness, the last few days. Really, what did Shen Wei think would happen to him? Oh, the horror, he might bang his shin on the way to the bathroom! He wasn't an invalid, damn it; he could take care of himself. But at the same time, the thought of Shen Wei actually leaving him alone made him want to cling to Shen Wei in the most embarrassing way.
"I'm fine. Nothing like a daytime nap or five to refresh you, just ask Da Qing!" Zhao Yunlan shrugged nonchalantly, then made a show of sniffing the air. "Mandarins?"
Shen Wei huffed. All right; it wasn't the smoothest diversion. "Yes. I saved the regular oranges for you." A moment's hesitation; then: "Would you like some of these? Or I can cut up an orange instead."
"Mandarins are fine." Zhao Yunlan sat up, let the duvet gather in his lap. He grinned again in Shen Wei's direction, his best everything-is-great, butter-wouldn't-melt-in-my-mouth grin. It wasn't going to work, and he knew it, but if he let the façade crumble, he wasn't sure he could get it together again. "Sure, if you're offering - feed me."
Was Shen Wei glaring at him, rolling his eyes, or were his lips twitching? Zhao Yunlan's grin froze a little, the uncertainty of its reception crimping his well-practiced style.
"All right," Shen Wei said after a moment, with none of the exasperated-yet-fond chiding Zhao Yunlan had hoped for, instead a slow deliberation. But he didn't hand Zhao Yunlan a plate, or a piece of the fruit. He did take Zhao Yunlan's hand into his own, but didn't guide it anywhere, the way he had with the lunch bowl earlier. He merely held on to it, warm and firm.
Zhao Yunlan tilted his head in confusion. "Shen Wei?"
"Open your mouth." Softly. Deliberately.
Zhao Yunlan's eyes widened, uselessly, and his lips fell open from sheer surprise. Yeah, Zhao Yunlan had said feed me, but Shen Wei couldn't mean -
A mandarin segment pushed slowly between his lips, and Zhao Yunlan's thoughts scattered apart. Heat rose on his cheeks, and his balls drew tight.
Blue screen of death, some still-functional fraction of his brain offered, hysterically, in Lin Jing's voice.
Shen Wei had just gone and done it again: he'd changed the rules, moved the lines, set a new scale in place.
But no one had ever accused Zhao Yunlan of being slow. He sucked in the mandarin segment, cheeks hollowing with it. His cock twitched. Alas, Shen Wei had already let go of the fruit.
Zhao Yunlan had been mapping out Shen Wei's boundaries for half a year now, and his map still had so much uncharted territory. He was good at pushing boundaries, but with Shen Wei, he was never quite sure what would happen: sometimes the door fell open at the slightest touch, leaving him tumbling inside with more force than intended; sometimes instead he ran headlong into the wall of Shen Wei's secrets instead.
This time ...
Zhao Yunlan chewed slowly, sweet juice flooding his mouth. His thoughts were racing. Really, Shen Wei, now?
This deliberate intimacy was definitely new. Or was he ... No, Shen Wei couldn't think Zhao Yunlan was so helpless he needed this much nannying. Could he? If only Zhao Yunlan could see his face, gauge his expression!
Shen Wei said nothing, hopefully unaware of the turn Zhao Yunlan's thoughts had taken. His hand remained, warm and solid, in Zhao Yunlan's.
Zhao Yunlan swallowed. Right away, another piece of mandarin nudged against his lower lip. He slowly opened his mouth, anticipation and uncertainty shivering over his skin -
Shen Wei's fingertips brushed his upper lip. The touch - definitely deliberate; definitely with intent - sent a jolt through Zhao Yunlan, powerful and electric, inescapable.
Not the act of someone with caretaking foremost on his mind. Not something Shen Wei would do, ever, if he didn't mean it.
Another jolt at the realisation: a tangle of relief and yearning surged through Zhao Yunlan like a flash of lightning, hot and sharp. Zhao Yunlan's fantasies, suddenly within reach. His cock was filling, stretching the fabric of his long johns.
He swallowed again, convulsively. His face felt flushed - could Shen Wei see this? He shifted, trying to settle his erection more comfortably, even as he snaked out his tongue to swipe over his lip where Shen Wei's fingers had touched.
A hiss of breath, drawn in sharply - Shen Wei's reaction. This was really happening.
"More?" Shen Wei's voice was hoarse.
"Yes." Greedy.
Shen Wei had featured in Zhao Yunlan's fantasies practically since they'd met, but Zhao Yunlan hadn't imagined this playfulness. Images of bear drawings flashed through his mind - damn, he should have known. Serious professor or imposing Envoy, Shen Wei had a sense of whimsy neither of his public images accounted for.
Why now, though? After half a year of drawing ever closer in each other's orbit, why this moment?
Eh, who cared. Priorities.
Zhao Yunlan chewed again, swallowed, licked his lips suggestively, and only gained an amused little snort from Shen Wei this time. Challenge accepted. Let's step this up.
More mandarin appeared, pressing against his lips, and Zhao Yunlan was fast enough - or Shen Wei was wilfully slow enough - that Zhao Yunlan's lips closed over the very tips of Shen Wei's fore- and middle finger, Shen Wei's thumb touching his lower lip. They both stilled, as if frozen in place by the contact.
Are you playing with me, Shen Wei? Are we playing?
Shen Wei didn't pull back. They were really doing this - playing the best kind of game: they were both winning.
Zhao Yunlan nudged the mandarin segment into his cheek and swirled his tongue around Shen Wei's fingertips instead, tasting juice, sweet and tangy, and beneath it a slight bitterness from the peel.
Beneath that, he fancied he could taste something sharp - something that reminded him of Dixing: old ground, old stones, darkness and lava. Heady and intoxicating and Shen Wei. Just Zhao Yunlan's overactive imagination? Or would Shen Wei taste more like this, in more intimate places? Zhao Yunlan needed to find out.
Shen Wei's fingers withdrew. Zhao Yunlan made a disappointed sound, then pouted in complaint, but a moment later he remembered to chew. That was how this went, right? That was part of the game.
And sure enough, after he'd swallowed, there was another segment at his lips.
He sucked it in obscenely, and Shen Wei let him suck his fingers in along with it. Ah, so good!
They were very close. Zhao Yunlan could picture their positions: himself on the bed, legs curled up half under him, the duvet still covering him to the waist, hiding his tenting erection, and Shen Wei sitting beside the bed, leaning forward just like Zhao Yunlan was, one hand holding Zhao Yunlan's, the other at Zhao Yunlan's mouth. His knees must be right up against the side of the mattress.
Zhao Yunlan squeezed Shen Wei's hand. If Shen Wei wanted to tease - well, Zhao Yunlan could definitely play that game.
He swallowed the last bit of mandarin and nipped at Shen Wei's fingers, lightly dragged his teeth over them. Shen Wei drew in a sharp, shuddering breath. Zhao Yunlan grinned around the fullness of his mouth. Score! Since they were still holding hands, he could feel the slight tremor under Shen Wei's skin as Zhao Yunlan sucked and teased.
Zhao Yunlan rolled his tongue around Shen Wei's fingers, licked at the web between. Shen Wei's fingers clenched around his, almost painfully tight.
More; he needed more. Zhao Yunlan was losing himself in the sensation. Sucking Shen Wei's fingers in deeper, swallowing convulsively as they nudged the back of his throat, sucking for all he was worth - yes, more -
There wasn't anything better than having his mouth full like this, every suck going through his whole body, pulling at his cock as if he were sucking himself, too. Hearing Shen Wei's unsteady breath, feeling his tight grip - and knowing he must be watching avidly, too. Imagining the picture they must be making.
In the end, they broke at the same time. Shen Wei abruptly let go of Zhao Yunlan's hand, just as Zhao Yunlan reached out, needing more of Shen Wei, right now.
Zhao Yunlan's hand hit jackpot - Shen Wei's firm biceps, covered by a rolled-up sleeve - as Shen Wei's fingers pulled free of Zhao Yunlan's mouth. Zhao Yunlan just about stopped himself from biting down to keep them.
Good call: Shen Wei's hand, wet from Zhao Yunlan's saliva, curled around the back of Zhao Yunlan's head as he pulled him close and crashed their mouths together, his tongue nudging Zhao Yunlan's lips as if it were another segment of fruit. Yes.
Zhao Yunlan sucked, hard.
Shen Wei moaned into his mouth, hands and tongue everywhere, mapping him out. Zhao Yunlan clutched at him, pulling him fully onto the bed, their bodies colliding as their mouths had.
Devouring each other: when they finally came apart, Zhao Yunlan was dizzy with it, his body on fire. They'd only separated by centimetres. Their foreheads touched; their breaths mingled.
"Zhao Yunlan," Shen Wei breathed, and it sounded reverent, as if he couldn't quite believe this was happening either. As if he wasn't the one who'd started it.
A dull thump from the flat upstairs: a door falling shut. Then footsteps thud-thud-thudding on the ceiling until the woman living there took off her shoes. Life outside of their little bubble, going on.
This was real, not a fantasy. Zhao Yunlan laughed, exhilarated. "What happened to the mandarins?"
"I vanished the plate." Shen Wei huffed a laugh of his own. "Sorry. I was almost out anyway."
With black energy! Glee coursed through Zhao Yunlan. He'd done that to Shen Wei, revved him up so much he couldn't even spare a second for setting the plate aside. Wow!
How had they got here? Not that Zhao Yunlan was complaining. Not about that, anyway. It wasn't fair that Shen Wei was here, probably flushed and dishevelled and sexy, and Zhao Yunlan ...
"Fuck, I wish I could see you." Zhao Yunlan aimed for light-hearted teasing, and instantly knew he'd missed by a mile. Too raw. He winced.
They were still leaning into each other. Shen Wei's hand cupped the side of his face, fingers stroking, thumbnail scraping over his beard.
"Zhao Yunlan? Would a blindfold help?"
Zhao Yunlan sucked in a breath. The pretence of being blind by choice -
"For me or for you?" he quipped, making light.
"Either." Seriously. "Would you like that?"
Zhao Yunlan's mouth fell open, and he turned it into a laugh. What, blindfold Shen Wei, so both of them would miss out? Blindfold himself, so he could pretend he wanted this?
"I'm sorry," Shen Wei said, ruefully. "Too much?"
"No, no," Zhao Yunlan said, which meant yes, and damn it, of course Shen Wei knew. Of course Zhao Yunlan's efforts at cheer weren't fooling Shen Wei. "Some other time," he eventually managed, and that was truthful enough that Shen Wei nodded - his forehead pressing forward against Zhao Yunlan's - and squeezed Zhao Yunlan's shoulder briefly, then dropped a kiss on his nose.
Zhao Yunlan shuddered. Raw, real, exposed - and Shen Wei wasn't pulling back. Why had he ever worried?
He ran his hand down Shen Wei's shoulder, over his shirt-sleeve to his elbow, over his bare forearm to Shen Wei's wrist and his hand where it was resting against Zhao Yunlan's own face. Held Shen Wei's hand still as he turned his face beneath it, beard rasping, and pressed a kiss of his own into Shen Wei's palm.
The intimacy of such small gestures: until Shen Wei, he'd never really understood how devastating they could be.
Why now? Zhao Yunlan hadn't forgotten the question - he'd never met a mystery he didn't want to solve, and when the mystery was Shen Wei, his attention was doubly riveted. Even with Shen Wei in his arms, some small part of his brain couldn't help niggling at it. But it didn't matter, not now. Not when they were here together. Except -
If he asked directly, right now, Shen Wei might actually answer.
He wasted no time, throwing caution and strategy to the wind: "Shen Wei, why now?"
It paid off, right away. Shen Wei didn't even hesitate.
"I was watching you sleep," he said, warm and fond, his breath tickling Zhao Yunlan's face.
Yeah, of course he had. "And?"
"You woke up. You didn't startle. You expected me to be there." Spoken like a revelation.
"And?" Zhao Yunlan repeated, dumbly.
A small huff of breath. "I've wanted that," Shen Wei said, aching and distant like a memory.
A wealth of feeling, of resonance, vastly out of proportion. There was clearly more behind this, something Shen Wei wasn't saying.
But he had wanted this: the two of them, close and comfortable. And he'd reached for it today. Surely the rest would come in time.
Out loud, Zhao Yunlan said, "If that's what you were waiting for, you waited way too long."
Shen Wei was silent for a moment. Then, "Maybe I did." His fingers stroked down the side of Zhao Yunlan's face again, down to his chin and the edge of his stubble. "Anticipation is its own pleasure, but watching you wake up today, I realised - there was no reason to hold back."
He'd clearly known they were on the same page, hadn't even had to ask. Zhao Yunlan grinned.
Shen Wei continued, wryly, "I wanted this, I watched for it, and I still missed the moment when we got there."
Hell, Shen Wei was talking as if he'd been waiting for some specific event, as if -
"Wait," Zhao Yunlan said, his brain shifting into investigative gear at last. "You've encountered the Hallows before. Did you have a vision?"
Was that what was behind Shen Wei's secrets? The Awl had shown Zhao Yunlan things he'd had to prevent. Was Shen Wei instead trying to assure a future he'd seen?
Shen Wei stilled. For a long moment, stomach tight, Zhao Yunlan waited. Would Shen Wei let go after all, retreat and close up again? Stubborn hope kept him from taking the question back, letting Shen Wei off the hook.
Answers or making out? He didn't want to choose; he wanted both, damn it.
Then Shen Wei relaxed again under his hands, gradually, as if through sheer force of will.
"It's a good theory," he said finally. "But no. I can't tell you now."
Can't, not won't. And now, implying ...
"Not now? Well, when, then?"
"I promise you, one day you'll find out." Fervent - the same tone of voice he'd used when he'd promised Zhao Yunlan he would recover his eyesight.
Was that part of his vision, too? Zhao Yunlan seeing again? It had to be - and that meant there was real, tangible hope.
Giddiness rose in Zhao Yunlan's chest; he clamped down on it. Don't get ahead of yourself, Zhao Yunlan. Visions can be averted; you've done it yourself.
Still - Shen Wei's promise wasn't an answer, but it meant something. A pledge: like his teasing, like his touch, not something Shen Wei would give if he didn't mean it.
Whatever vast feeling was hovering behind it, Zhao Yunlan couldn't possibly be worthy of it, but greedily, he wanted all of it, every last scrap.
"I'll hold you to that." With the words, a knot of tension that had sat almost unnoticed in Zhao Yunlan's gut finally dissolved, as if he were breathing it out as he spoke. He slumped against Shen Wei, and for a long moment they simply rested against each other.
This last week had been a rollercoaster. Lao-Chu and the others being kidnapped, the showdown with Zhu Jiu - it had been a lot even before Ye Zun. Then Da Qing reacting to the name Kunlun; Zhao Yunlan's father being more confusing than usual; the confrontation with Ya Qing ...
Zhao Yunlan needed to get on top of things; he couldn't afford to let his blindness stop him. Taking a day off, all right - defeating Zhu Jiu and sending Ye Zun back to Dixing had bought them some time, and Zhao Yunlan had needed the breather, badly. But tomorrow, it was back to work.
He could do it. He could figure out how.
Especially if Shen Wei had seen the future - a future - and a cure was possible. Much easier to believe it - easier to ignore the fear of being permanently stuck like this. All they had to do was turn possible into real.
"Zhao Yunlan," Shen Wei murmured, "do you want to ...?"
Shen Wei's fingers brushed over Zhao Yunlan's lips again, and Zhao Yunlan drew in a sharp breath. His lips felt a bit swollen already, and yeah, he absolutely wanted more. He wanted to feel Shen Wei's fingers in his mouth for the next week.
He licked at them, captured them between his teeth, sucked them back in.
"Wait. Let me." Shen Wei pulled the duvet away from Zhao Yunlan's hips, one-handedly, the other not leaving Zhao Yunlan's mouth.
Zhao Yunlan gasped, his hips jerking forward on reflex at the slide of the duvet against his tenting cock, trapped as it was inside his long johns.
Then the mattress tilted with disorienting, exhilarating movement as Shen Wei changed position, his forearm clamping around Zhao Yunlan's stomach to pull him into place, and suddenly Zhao Yunlan was sitting between Shen Wei's legs with Shen Wei's erection pressing against his back. He laughed around the fingers still filling his mouth, heat and urgency ramping up again.
Shen Wei pulled out a little, then pushed back in, just as his other hand slid between Zhao Yunlan's legs. Not even inside his long johns, just cupping him through the fabric, and because it was Shen Wei, it was the hottest thing anyone had ever done for Zhao Yunlan. Zhao Yunlan cried out, hips surging, mouth sucking, spikes of heat arcing through him - Shen Wei moaned into his ear, hips jerking against the small of Zhao Yunlan's back -
Zhao Yunlan's body seized with pleasure. Quickly, wetness was spreading in the crotch of his long johns and - oh yeah - against his back, too. Zhao Yunlan gasped at the realisation, open mouthed, overwhelmed.
Shen Wei's fingers pulled out of his mouth, wetly cupping his cheek instead.
"Zhao Yunlan," Shen Wei said breathlessly, and there was something desperate in his voice, something Zhao Yunlan couldn't quite identify.
"Shen Wei." Somehow Zhao Yunlan managed words, despite his ragged breathing. "Damn, that was ..." If he wasn't blind, he'd have turned around to see Shen Wei's face. Fuck. "Right?"
Shen Wei snorted. "Yes." Simple and devastating.
Zhao Yunlan relaxed back against Shen Wei, breathing. Listening, as Shen Wei brushed his lips against the side of Zhao Yunlan's chin.
Listening to Shen Wei's voice, his breaths. To the hum of the fridge, water running through pipes inside the bathroom walls. To a distant fire engine's siren, streets away. All the distracting little noises he'd usually tune out, reminders of the outside world.
The rest of the world was still there, and Shen Wei and he were in it: this wasn't a dream or a fantasy; this was real. And other than the sad lack of the gorgeous vision Shen Wei no doubt presented, none of it had a thing to do with Zhao Yunlan's blindness.
Zhao Yunlan's throat felt tight all of a sudden, even as a smile broke loose on his face. This could have happened almost exactly like this on any other day. Shen Wei had wanted this; Zhao Yunlan had wanted this, and -
Wasn't that exactly what Shen Wei had said? They'd been ready for this, beyond ready, and Shen Wei had acted as soon as he'd realised. Maybe there was no secret behind Shen Wei's decision, after all. No mystery to solve. Maybe sometimes, it really was that simple.
Shen Wei's arms were still circling him. Smiling, Zhao Yunlan ran his hands over Shen Wei's bare forearms to his rolled-up sleeves and back, twined their fingers together.
This was real; this was their future. It was still Sunday; tomorrow he'd have to face Minister Gao and convince him he could do his job despite his blindness. Even if there was going to be a miracle cure, there was no telling when.
He'd manage - with Shen Wei by his side, he'd manage.
Zhao Yunlan pulled Shen Wei's hand back up to his mouth. Shen Wei huffed against his neck.
"What?" Zhao Yunlan said, innocently. "You're better than a lollipop."
A snort; then, mock-serious: "Better for your teeth, too."
A moment later, they both burst out laughing.
Sight or no - Zhao Yunlan turned around in Shen Wei's arms, wrapped himself around him, and murmured against his lips, "I bet other parts of you will be even better for me."
He really couldn't wait to find out.