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It had really started when they woke up.
It was unlike Phil to sleep in as long as Dan, but the previous night had been a flurry of frenzied gaming and losing track of time. He could be heard from the next floor down, mumbling and swearing under his breath. Phil so rarely lost his temper with games, but Dan had known that he was at a particularly tricky bit and just wanted the game to end.
Phil had indeed finished the game, but at the cost of his sleep schedule. At the cost of his temperament, as well.
This morning, their synchronous full-body stretches, which produced from Dan a high-pitched keening noise, were cut short by a mumbled “fuck” from Phil. When Dan looked over, Phil was rubbing his forehead, eyes closed.
“I need to figure out that shit for the mortgage today. That’s due in a few days.”
“Can I help?”
“I don’t think so. It’ll be easier if one of us just focuses on it, and I know I’ll be faster at it.”
Dan couldn’t help but feel slightly guilty, especially as he had never really wanted to learn all of that tedium in the first place. Now, a slight nick in the road had popped up, and Phil was burdened with the entire task.
“Chore trade?”
Phil grabbed his glasses from the bedside table and opened his phone. “Sure. What’re you feeling?”
“I don’t know, fix a meal or two, give the kitchen a good clean, maybe see what trash needs emptying.”
There was no jab, no joke — just a serious-looking morning Phil.
“Sounds good. Coffee?”
* * *
It began in earnest when Dan went upstairs to check in, ask if maybe he’d like anything else while he worked. Dan had already finished tidying up after breakfast, but there was an uneven feeling in the back of his mind. It was unlike Phil to wake up so odd. Not “in a mood,” not with an attitude, not angry, just not…Phil.
If Phil noticed Dan when he walked in the room, he didn’t acknowledge him. Dan saw him sitting at the desktop, concentrated, sitting completely upright. He knocked softly on the wall closest to him.
“Alright?”
It was moments like these with Phil, observing him so deep in concentration, that reminded him that Phil was a man, beyond the obvious meaning. He had a strong jawline, harsh angles, a stern brow (at least, currently). The sheer length of him, the way he fit into his clothes, all of these often (though fleeting) thoughts and observances took him back to a time that’s what Phil was to him: an older man, a very handsome older man, that he deeply wanted to impress. Phil still reaches that part of him sometimes, those moments when his every action was made with the thought of impressing Phil, of pleasing Phil. A scared kid asking for shelter.
Phil was slow to reply, and he didn’t take his eyes off the screen.
“Um…yes, thanks.”
Dan felt slight butterflies in his stomach at Phil’s tone. Not upbeat, just straightforward. He took a last glance at the Phil that had put him into this stupor and walked back out.
* * *
It was nearly mid-afternoon, and Phil was taking longer than Dan had hoped.
Dan had no problem filling his day with household tasks, oddly enough. Once he got into a rhythm with it, it was kind of nice to be lulled into a chore. He often never instigated a clean for that very reason – not really knowing when to stop or how much time has passed – but he was marginally aware of the time passing today. But, while Dan was swimming in the dopamine of a session cleaning house, he knew there was a lack of “happy chemical” transmissions involved in screen-produced finance anxieties.
It was then that he heard a muffled “Fuck!” come from Phil’s general direction, followed by footsteps on the stairs.
“Dan? Do you know where your national insurance card is? Or the confirmation letter?”
Dan turned to Phil entering the kitchen in a flurry.
He barely stopped his jaw from dropping, having forgotten how Phil had stirred him hours before. This Phil – locks of hair sticking up, glasses perched askew, and a faint trace of stubble on his jaw from skipping a shave this morning – this Phil had finally pushed him over a certain edge. And here he was, all business, asking Dan to fetch something for him, to act like a responsible adult.
How unfortunate that, of all things, he was forced to think about a National Insurance Card.
“I – yeah, I think it’s in my bedside drawer, actually.” He made for the bedroom, but glanced back at Phil. “They need that?”
Phil made a face and rolled his eyes. “The bank wants updated employment information, which is always a shithole task, but that paperwork wants our National Insurance Card information because we were born before 2010. Which is ridiculous, because the bank has that very information. I’m about to tear my hair out.”
“God, our relationship was born before 2010, too,” Dan mumbled, rifling through his bedside drawer and trying not to think about how old that made him. He wished desperately that he was here with Phil at his bedside drawer for an entirely different reason.
“Thanks,” Phil said, taking the card.
“Do you need anything else?”
“No, that should do it.” Phil gave him a small smile, the first that Dan had seen from him today, and went back to his work-cave upstairs.
Dan’s interest was more than piqued now, as unfortunate as it was that Phil was walking away. He had known Phil for so long – the happy, energetic, silly Phil, the Phil that was such a sunbeam to his own life – that his overall perception of Phil’s age or maturity was much lower than it ever is in actuality. Sure, he’s a magical gay sunbeam that doesn’t age ever, but once upon a time, he was, to Dan, that older figure of discernment and guidance. With how intertwined and codependent they had become, Dan had lost the vision of Phil not only as Another, but as a flesh-and-blood man.
In today’s tasks, Phil was embodying the very attributes that Dan had pushed to the side in his perception of Phil. He was knowledgeable, dependable, focused, and, most importantly, authoritative.
It was driving Dan up the wall. He hoped, for many reasons, that Phil would be done with this business soon.
* * *
After a brief lunch – a lunch that Phil did not join him for – Dan couldn’t stand it any longer. He respected Phil’s autonomy, and his potential decision to kick Dan out of the room, but he had to be there, at least. He had to see That Phil again, before he was gone indefinitely.
Grabbing his Switch as a probable excuse to lounge around, he took the stairs two at a time and padded into the room. He made no greeting so as not to make any interruption, and Phil offered no greeting in return. He simply lay back on the couch, held up the device to resemble engagement, and watched Phil instead. He had a partial view of Phil’s face – he doubted that Phil would even see him in his periphery – but most of it was obscured by the angle of the couch.
Thankfully, from what he could tell, Phil was far more relaxed than he was earlier. Dan could sense he was nearing the end of the whole sorry business, which is partly why he didn’t feel too terrible invading the space. His posture was more relaxed, his features were focused but not grimacing, and his hair had been slightly tamed. He was sitting a bit oddly, a return to his former self, but he knew Phil was pushing through just to get this done.
Looking at the clean columns of Phil’s neck, the way they connected to his tight jaw and the bony structure of his shoulders, it reminded Dan of Tchaikovsky's “Pas de Deux.” He had learned to play it a few years ago after it popped up somewhere online, and the song wouldn’t leave his head until he could produce it himself. Something about the nature of the main melody was so beautiful, but so devastating. All of that practicing had come to one simple realization: the song was just a descending major scale. So much emotion in something so technical. How could a simple little scale hold so much beauty and sincerity? How could Phil hold so much of his heart?
“Alright,” Phil mumbled, leaning back in his chair. He took a deep breath and scrubbed at his eyes underneath his glasses. “Should be sorted.”
Dan was quick to flick his gaze back to the Switch in his hands and make a half-hearted effort at pretending to mash buttons and turn the console off.
“Sorry it took so long. Hungry?”
Phil sighed. “Not really. Did you really bring a game up here just to pretend to play it so you could watch me?”
Dan froze, looking back at Phil. Phil had not glanced in his direction, busy closing the half dozen windows he’d had open.
“I mean…maybe. I don’t – how did you know?”
“I know what you’re like when you play anything. You scream and curse or, at the very least, breathe weird. You’ve been here for ten minutes and you haven’t made a sound.”
Dan could feel himself blushing despite himself. He tried to spin the conversation back in his favor.
“Maybe I just wanted to gaze on my pretty boyfriend,” he said with a cutesy smile.
Phil smiled faintly and stood, stretching his arms above his head and popping his back. He was a little pink-cheeked himself.
“Do you want to go fuck now?”
That was a swing Dan wasn’t expecting.
“I – what??”
“Dan, you’ve been haunting me like a ghost all day. It’s like having a horny Slenderman waiting for you around every corner. All you’ve done today is give me the eyes and then pretend you’re not staring at me by cleaning something else.”
Dan’s blush deepened.
“Why aren’t you this observant all the time?”
“That doesn’t sound like a no.”
It was hard to voice exactly what he wanted when Phil maintained that commanding presence.
“I mean, no…I guess not.”
Phil smirked and rolled his eyes at him. He left his position by the desk to straddle Dan where he laid on the couch, cupping his face and leaning down for a very sweet kiss.
“You have such a way with words.”
“Shut up,” Dan smiled, kissing him back with fervor.
Still cupping his cheeks, Phil began a trail of kisses down Dan’s neck, leaving Dan melting into the couch and gasping at the raspy feel of Phil’s scruff against his sensitive skin. It was almost too much, but it was this side of “just right.”
The light kisses turned into a trail to his shoulder, which turned into Phil latching onto his shoulder, which led to a hand on his cheek that turned quickly into a firm grasp on his jaw.
Whatever resistance Dan had deluded himself into bringing into this situation vanished with that grasp. He would let Phil do anything to him, whatever he asked. He would hang the moon for Phil, or just let him tie him to a bed and throw things at his head.
Phil released his hold on Dan and sat back, breathing heavily.
“Need more?”
Dan could hardly catch his breath himself. He nodded vaguely against the cushion, but Phil grasped his jaw again, rougher this time. Dan’s eyes flew open, finding Phil’s.
“Yes? Speak up, I like my consent explicit and enthusiastic.”
Something inside Dan cowered deliciously.
“Yes,” Dan whined. “Yes, please.”
Phil returned for another kiss, tonguing lightly at Dan’s bottom lip, before jumping off the couch.
“Bedroom, then. Quickly, please.”
Dan felt both bereft at the sudden loss of Phil on his lap and dizzy from the kiss he had just received. It took him a second longer than it normally would to realize that Phil had just left the room and he expected Dan to follow.
Dan scrambled off the couch and followed him to the bedroom in a flash.
Phil was just turning on the bedside lamp and tossing a small towel next to the bed when Dan arrived, and he was not one to waste time.
“Come here.”
Dan met him in the middle of the room, arms instantly rising to hold Phil’s waist as he awaited further instruction. Phil kissed him then, deeply, hands rising first to Dan’s shoulders and then to his neck, where he held him in place. Dan restrained himself from moaning, but it was a very near thing.
The sound of their mingling breathing was intoxicating, and it only made Dan breathe harder. Phil was biting at his bottom lip between kisses, smoothing them over gently with his tongue, and Dan could only attempt to keep up. His hands travelled to Phil’s lower back, cradling the curve there and pulling Phil deeper when the touch wasn’t enough.
Phil pulled back with a gasp, and whispered against Dan’s lips.
“Suck my dick.”
Phil spoke with a tone that offered no hesitation or patience. When they had tried this before, Phil was too often in his head about the whole thing. He couldn’t take himself seriously enough to be dominating, especially dominating on the spot. And especially with someone he laughed with as much as he laughed with Dan. The inclination just didn’t come as naturally to him as it did to Dan, who swung violently to either side of a submissive pendulum on a whim.
This version of Phil, Dan knew, wasn’t an act that Phil was putting on, because he had evidence that he literally couldn’t. At this moment, this was Phil in utter sincerity.
It was the sincerity that made Dan’s knees weak, that had him kneeling at Phil’s feet and working the clothes down his hips.
Phil grunted at the first contact of Dan’s mouth to his cock. His hands flew to Dan’s hair, where he grasped with a firm clutch, and exhaled sharply.
“Your mouth is unreal,” he said, working subtle caresses to Dan’s scalp with his fingers.
Dan moaned at the praise, sending those vibrations straight down Phil’s cock. Phil gasped again, using the hold on Dan’s head to encourage more movement, just the way he knew he loved.
Dan himself would be more than happy to spend the rest of his afternoon like this. His own cock, still trapped in the restricting bottoms he stupidly chose to wear that day, was already leaking. Had he been any less clothed, or any more brave, he likely would be making an attempt to hump Phil’s leg. As it was, he could only hang suspended in his own arousal while Phil took pleasure in his.
And he was thrilled to see that Phil was taking pleasure in this. He knew what Phil enjoyed on any other occasion – a lick here, a swallow there, this movement for this long, another movement for just a moment – that it was easy simply to increase the intensity, the whorishness of it all, and bring Phil right to the edge.
Too soon, Phil was gritting his teeth and pulling Dan off of him.
“I still need you to fuck me, remember?”
Dan sat back on his heels with a sigh and quickly brushed the tears from the corners of his eyes. He nodded, breathing heavily, and Phil offered him a hand to stand. He took it, standing on wobbly knees, before Phil pushed him backwards onto the bed.
Dan landed with a gasp, watching as Phil rummaged through the bedside drawer for supplies. He tossed a bottle of lube on the mattress, but shut the drawer in frustration and went looking in their closet for something else.
Christ, Dan thought. What is he about to do to me?
Phil returned from the closet holding a link of condom wrappers, tearing one and tossing the rest to the side. Dan was a little lost.
“What–?”
“I’m really not in a mood to be cleaning all that when we’re done. Gimmie your cock, would you?”
Dan nearly laughed at the sheer bossiness that had come over Phil, but he was too overcome with the command to give him too much shit about it. Instead, he pulled his shirt over his head and tugged at his pants until everything was off. Phil climbed onto his thighs, unwrapped the condom, and slowly rolled it down Dan’s already-leaking cock. Dan’s back arched slightly at the feeling of Phil’s hand stroking him for the first time that day. He grasped the sheets.
Phil reached up to his own shirt and pulled it off, accidentally knocking the glasses off his face.
“Oh, I forgot I was still wearing these.” He leaned forward to place them on the nightstand.
Dan quickly grasped his wrist and pushed Phil’s hand back towards him.
“Please don’t.”
Phil raised his eyebrows and slowly returned the glasses. He smirked.
“That does it for you, huh? That’s what it takes?”
Phil leaned forward, propping one hand on the space next to Dan’s head. The other reached up and brushed some of Dan’s curls off his forehead.
“Shall I do our taxes next? What if I did the laundry? Would that rustle your jimmies?”
Dan did laugh then, saying “Shut up!” and slapping Phil’s hand away. He rose and grabbed Phil in a kiss.
Phil grabbed him in return, holding Dan’s hands where they were set against Phil’s cheeks. He deepened the kiss, beginning to grind against Dan where he was fully straddled on top of him. Dan was grateful the condom was already on: if he was to come embarrassingly soon, at least he still wouldn't burden Phil with the mess he obviously didn’t want.
In fact, he should probably start working on that, he thought. Phil was obviously already aroused, and this was a great position to get him prepared.
Slowly, he began to snake a hand down Phil’s body: soft earlobe, knobbly vertebrae, love handles, back arch, beautiful round ass, and…?
Dan flinched at the sudden texture he wasn’t expecting. Phil smirked into his mouth as he broke their kiss.
“When did you find the time to be doing all that?” Dan asked, incredulous.
“It wasn’t too long ago. I’ve known what’s been happening in that head of yours all day. And I knew that when I was ready, I wouldn’t be very patient about it.”
Dan huffed his laughter, slowly reaching back to touch the end of the plug that Phil had miraculously found time to put up his ass today. He felt a bit dizzy at the thought.
“Can I…?”
“Please.”
Dan grasped the base and made miniscule motions in and out, adjusting the still-stretched muscle. Phil moaned, dropping to support himself with hands on the mattress. Within minutes, Dan had worked it out of him, dropping it to the towel Phil had placed next to the bed. Phil’s cock was leaking between them.
“Phil—”
“Hush.”
Phil raised himself slightly, reaching back and aligning himself perfectly with Dan’s cock. Dan keened, forcing himself to be perfectly still as Phil slowly sank down.
“Phil—”
Phil placed his hand over Dan’s mouth.
“Hold still. Don’t come.”
Phil was never one to mince words, but he had managed to demand perhaps the two most difficult favors of Dan that he could possibly think of.
With this, Phil sat up, let his head fall back, and began to roll his hips.
Dan whimpered, arching his back and thrusting into Phil by sheer instinct. He felt like lightning was striking just behind his eyelids, like he was to be chained to this bed forever with no relief.
Without breaking rhythm, Phil grasped Dan’s neck with this hand, pulse point to pulse point. It wasn’t a choking grip — Phil understood that playing with airways was not something Dan was into — but it was exactly the firm pressure on his neck that made him feel owned and used. It was the exact thing that could make him come in an instant.
“Hold still.”
Dan screwed his eyes shut and dug his head into the mattress, the motion only offering Phil a stronger hold on his neck. He could feel his own pulse from the slight pressure Phil had on it. He couldn’t allow himself to think of anything other than keeping perfectly still and definitely, absolutely not coming.
He could help the choice to close his eyes. Without visual input, it was easier to maintain composure. What he couldn’t help were the sounds — the slight creaking of the springs in the mattress, the beautiful, breathy whines spilling from Phil’s mouth — nor the still-lingering taste of Phil on his own tongue.
As if Phil could trace his thoughts, the thumb that had rested on his pulse slowly travelled upward. He could feel Phil linger at the rosy blotch on his jaw that he loved so much, tracing it with true tenderness, before trailing higher — to the corner of his lips, his bottom lip, and when Dan couldn’t stand it anymore, enveloped in his mouth entirely.
Phil sighed.
“That’s it, sweetheart.”
It was so rare, it was so rare to hear an endearment from Phil like that, in that tone, like Dan was pitied and placated and nurtured. Dan was growing lightheaded, the blackness behind his eyelids sinking into a slightly deeper hue.
“Dan—”
He was so close. He felt completely surrounded by Phil, by the ledge he knew he was about to go careening off of. He would have to stop soon if there was any hope of obeying Phil’s instructions.
“Dan, breathe.”
Dan let out the breath he didn’t know he had been holding, and the blood seemed to rush from his head.
Phil slowed, taking his hand back and placing it on Dan’s chest.
“I can’t have you fainting on me.”
Dan took deep, calming breaths, letting the warmth of Phil’s palm blossom heat across his sternum. He felt like the warmth could drag him back to life.
Phil stilled completely, lightly rubbing at Dan’s chest. Dan’s breathing had slowed, and for the first time in several minutes, he let his eyes slowly flutter half-open.
“Alright there, bub?” Phil asked with impossible tenderness.
Dan opened his mouth slightly to reply, but found it difficult to speak. He didn’t want to hear the sound of his own voice right now. He wanted to be the floating spirit that somehow shared space with Phil, that could be used as a means to an end for Phil’s own pleasure. He swallowed and nodded.
Phil’s expression changed subtly from gentleness to curiosity.
“What is it?”
Dan couldn’t say it. He didn’t know how. He couldn’t bring himself, Dan Howell, back into the front of his mind. He hardly felt corporeal at the moment, let alone autonomous. And…he had actually never said something like this before. Not in this setting, with this tone. Not to Phil, who hardly ever stepped into such a dominating role. He wasn’t sure the words would be right, coming from him, as desperate as he was to say them. As natural as he had thought it would be.
“Dan…”
He felt Phil’s knuckles lightly brush his cheek. He had to say it, he thought. It was the only way to get through. At the end of the day, he was just being shy. And really, what use was being shy in front of Phil?
“Can I come?”
It was too quiet. He knew it as soon as he spoke, the request escaping his lips as nothing more than a raspy whisper.
“What was that?” Phil asked, bringing his ear closer. Dan was hilariously aroused by the action. He felt like nothing but a shy child asking an adult for some sweets.
He wet his lips and tried again. He felt like he was so shit at being submissive.
“Can I…come?”
Phil leaned back slightly, smirking. “Ohhh,” he breathed, eyes flicking across Dan’s flushed face. Something bright burned in them. He leaned in to meet Dan’s lips, lightly, before leading a whisper-soft trail of kisses down to his neck. Phil hummed.
“Can’t even say please?”
Between the teasing admonition and that scratchy feeling of Phil’s morning beard on his neck, Dan wasn’t sure if he was even going to last long enough to acquiesce.
Dan mewled.
“Please, please…”
Phil found both of Dan’s hands and brought them up, pinning them on the mattress next to his head. Dan was completely cornered, and never so happy to be so.
“Please…?” Phil prompted, and rolled his hips.
Dan gasped.
“Please can I come? Please? Please?” He was practically begging now as Phil collected speed. He was careful to mind his breathing, but that was about all the forethought he had headspace for.
“Wait for me. I’m nearly there.”
Phil returned to a brisk pace, the sound of his breathing filling the room. Dan’s wrists were still pinned to the mattress, and although Phil wasn’t necessarily the strongest man, the position of their bodies had most of his weight balanced in his arms. He was completely immobile. The best that he could do was slightly rock his hips into Phil’s thrusts in an attempt to meet them.
The moan that escaped Phil when he did so only encouraged him further. He felt like Phil was pulling everything out of him.
He balled his hands into fists when Phil began to moan in earnest. He knew Phil was close, so he planted his feet at the end of the bed and used the leverage to get his thrusts even deeper. There was still no delusion that he wasn’t extremely disadvantaged by the way Phil had trapped him, but at least like this, he wasn’t entirely helpless.
The grip on Dan’s wrists tightened, and above him, Phil’s keening sounds became high pitched.
“Dan, come. Come with me. Please.”
Dan closed his eyes, allowing himself to finally feel every sensation that was being thrown at him. The tight heat that Phil had him enveloped in, the weight holding him down, the quiet sound of rhythmic slapping in the distance – it was too much for him.
Phil came first, tossing Dan’s arms behind him to lay on his shoulders. As he shuddered and sighed through his release, Dan used the leverage to pull Phil down into a tight embrace. He managed another handful of thrusts before he came as well, burying his face in Phil’s hair.
He could feel Phil nuzzling into his neck as he slowly rode the aftershocks of his orgasm.
“Mmm,” he grumbled. “...wanna stay here for a cuddle…”
Dan ran his fingernails slowly up and down Phil’s back, more than happy to oblige. Ironically, Phil was the first to stir.
“Ugh! Shit!” He sat up and looked disgusted, glancing at the mess between the two of them. “Fuck, I forgot that I cum, too.”
Dan laughed at his utter ridiculousness. His Phil was back.
“Whatever, there’s the plug, too.”
“I can’t believe you actually took time from your stressful day to prep that much,” Dan said. Phil slowly raised himself off of Dan’s cock while Dan held the base of the condom in place, whatever good it had really done them in the end.
“I saw you lurking enough that I decided you would be my treat later, if I could get through the whole business. I stress out, then treat out.”
“Well,” Dan said, tossing the condom, “Maybe next time we can throw in an ‘eat out.’”
Phil laughed and swatted his arm.
“Okay, come on, I need a shower.”
With trembling legs, Dan rose from the bed, following Phil into the bathroom.