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Darkness shrouded the voidling as he sat in the dark, alone.
Wait- where was he again? He didn’t quite remember. He had been sitting in what he assumed was some random secluded forest near the farlands for what felt like an hour or two- or was it three? Maybe he had been there for only half an hour. Time is so weird; it was always so hard for him to grasp. He constantly found himself looking at the small clock he kept on hand, even if he had only looked a few moments before.
He thought back to the events right before this moment, trying to track back to now. Yet, they seemed as foggy as his earliest memories. Mappic and Zam were- talking? Arguing? No- they are friends- they don’t fight with each other. Not like him. He attempted to remember again. They said something about- like, how they should explore a bit before they returned to main server. And- maybe? He assumed they asked if he wanted to come along, but he thought he said no for some reason, most likely a stupid knowing himself.
They left right before sunset or after? He was sure it was dark. It wasn't the smartest decision in the world to explore a place you’ve never been before in the dark. He was very familiar with the dark, in fact, he found it comforting- being a voidling and all- he was made of darkness. But the others didn’t know the dark as he did! He was sure Mappic faintly glowed in the dark when he was stressed, but why would he be stressed?
He sighed to himself, cutting the train of thought off before he got stuck in his mind again. He was prone to it. Mappic would find him staring into nothing a lot, or trailing off mid sentence like he got stuck on one of his words. But now was supposed to be different, right? He thought he was supposed to be protecting Jamato’s this base in case someone found them. He remembered Mappic tried to tell him there was no way anybody could find them all the way out here, but the thought still lingered. The paranoia he felt for what felt like forever never relaxed. Why should he?
He knew he promised to stay in the now, destroyed house, but- he didn’t know- he just couldn’t stand being there. He opted to just sit in the forests surrounding it. It was like staying there was weighing down on his soul. He couldn’t wait until Mappic and Zam would stop shitting around so they could go back to main server. At least there, there was enough chaos so he wouldn’t even have time to dig into his thoughts. His mind was like a black hole; thoughts either orbited it or were consumed in its pandemonium.
He mindlessly felt around in his hoodie pocket, sometimes- more like rarely- movements were enough to drag him out if he tried hard enough. Suddenly, he felt something- he didn’t remember what, or why he had it. He felt around the object to find out what it was. It was cold- presumably made out of metal- and smooth.
His heart sank as he realized what it was. He could feel himself stiffen just a bit. fuck- what- why- why did I bring this thing!? He thought, cursing under his breath. He knew what that was. It was the pocket knife he- the one he thought he left in him and Mappic’s base. Oh, void, why did he bring that? At least leaving it meant he was trying to stop. If Mappic saw it, he would know he wasn’t even planning on stopping!
He had told Mappic he stopped cutting a while ago, like- around the same time he first found out about B.A.T- or after? But- truthfully, he only stopped cutting up his arms. It was easy to see the cuts on his arms due to the fact that his hoodie was short-sleeved. Before, he never really cared if people saw them- like, why does it even matter! It's not like they helped him either way.
Mappic cared; he cared a lot. He always looked sad every time he glanced at them. Parrot did too- fuck- why did he even let parrot stop him? If he hadn’t, he would’ve been dead, and he wouldn’t have to deal with Leo and all his bullshit.
Despite the promise he made to Mappic, he couldn’t stop. Every cut was like one little dose of joy- or mania? He didn’t really care either way. It made him feel good. He just- “moved spots” or whatever that means. It was easier to hide the cuts on his upper thighs, though it was a bit embarrassing to pull down his shorts every time he wanted to cut. It's not like there was much to hide. Voidlings were made, not born. They can't reproduce, eat, or feel temperature, all the things he saw others do all the time. He only really hid his body because it was the norm around here. Being a voidling sucks. They were not intended to even exist. They are a bug. How do you just live with that???
Void, he needs to cut himself right now. But- Mappic and Zam could find him… so maybe- Fuck it- it doesn’t matter- maybe it does- oh void, can he just stop thinking!? This is stupid. Why didn’t he stop? Why- what- it's fine. Nobody’s around. Just do it. Stop hesitating. No one will know. Just another lie. Void, he needs to stop lying. But- ok, no, he can lie a bit more. When was the last time he didn’t lie? Ok, maybe he shouldn’t count. That would be too long. Just do it. You’ve done it so many times, what makes this different?
His hands moved before he finished his thoughts, pulling down his shorts quickly and pressing the dull knife to his skin. Ow- fuck ok. He went slowly at first, breaking the tension between him and the knife. Going slow made the pain last longer, but the cuts went deeper. shit shit shit. After more cuts than he planned, he went faster, trying to make the pain go by quicker, even if the cuts barely bled. He continued in this rhythm for longer than he’ll ever admit. The pain told him he was in control. He can choose to stop it whenever. He could make all of the pain go away if he just-
Oh-
He stared down at his legs. Black blood seeped slowly out of the cuts.
? ? ?
! ! !
His eyes widened.
What is that? What is he doing? Why do his legs hurt again? Why was he so sad before? There is nothing to be sad about! No one knows! It's ok! Just another little incident, it will be okay. There is no need for worry! He smiled warmly as he pulled up his shorts. He’ll deal with the blood later. He already begun to plan what he would say if anyone found out. “It was a one-time relapse!” or “I can’t help myself.” If he tried to cry, it would be more convincing. It’s easy to hide these kinds of things.
He should wait for Mappic and Zam.