Chapter Text
Josh always loved hearing Debby’s stories from set. He had visited her a few times in the past, but since the pandemic, the productions were only letting the actors and crew back onto the sets. It was a weird time to be alive. Some places had no restrictions, but others still cracked down on masks and social distancing. But Josh understood why. It was for safety. And keeping all the actors and crew from catching anything was important when on a tight filming schedule. But it did mean he hadn’t been able to visit Debby to see the filming of her latest movie, and he had missed her.
It was a small indie movie, a handful of actors and one team doing all of the hair, make-up, and costumes. Debby was describing how well the team had managed everything. Making sure everyone was in costume and ready for filming bang on time every day. She had been impressed. Josh thought Debby was beautiful when she really got into talking about her work. Snuggled into the corner of their white couch that he had fought so hard for, she had a box of chocolates on her lap, picking at them while she spoke. Her face glowed, excitement taking over as she gestured wildly with her hands.
“Dude. The make-up team was so talented. I could talk for days about all their little processes!” Her face lit up as she remembered the experience.
She kept picking up a chocolate to eat and then remembering something else she wanted to say before she put it in her mouth; she had been holding the one between her fingers for a few minutes now and Josh knew that it was slowly melting, it was probably going to be the culprit of a few future stains on the couch. He just smiled at her, letting her continue without interruption. Love was knowing someone was going to mess something up and not holding that against them, he would scrub this couch a hundred times over if it meant seeing Debby happy and comfortable. Josh scratched at the fur around Jim’s ears as he lay on the cushions between them, tongue lolling and happy that both his parents were back in town.
“I mean, we had to film the kiss scene a few times because the lipstick kept smudging. And the director insisted he wanted an ‘aesthetic’ smudge.” Debby gestured the air quotes as she spoke. “But it just wasn’t quite right every time. Then someone had the idea of drawing the smudge on first, with smudge proof lipstick, and not showing the camera until after. And it was genius! We got it first time after that.” She touched her lips as if she could still feel the remnants of the lipstick and the kiss.
“Why was it so hard to get the smudge just right? Surely it didn’t matter that much?” Josh asked. It was strange to hear his wife talk about kissing someone else, but he didn’t mind it too much, they had talked extensively before about her acting boundaries and what she felt comfortable doing. In the end, it was Debby’s choice, and as long as she was comfortable and treated with respect when filming those sorts of scenes, then Josh was happy too.
“He wanted our lipsticks to kind of blend. It was supposed to be this big realisation moment for my character. Kissing another girl and realising how it felt.” Debby gestured again with her hands, trying to convey the smudging of the lipstick.
“Oh. I didn’t realise it was with a girl.” Josh paused. He was by no means homophobic, but this was the first time Debby had talked about kissing a girl for a film. It made him feel a little strange and he reprimanded himself; it was no different than her kissing a guy.
“Yeah! It was nice to get to kiss a girl this time. I always have to kiss men.” She rolled her eyes in exaggeration, trying to make a joke about Josh’s kissing.
“Ha ha. Very funny.” He deadpanned back. “Was it weird to kiss a girl?”
“Weird. No?” Debby shrugged. “It’s no different really. Probably a little nicer actually. It was one of my better intimate scenes I’ve had to film.”
“But to kiss someone you don’t really have any interest in..?” Josh trailed off, realising you didn’t really have an interest in any of the actors you might kiss. Debby picked up on his point.
“Yeah, well you don’t really have ‘an interest’ in any of the people you get to kiss on set. Unless it’s like a celebrity crush or something. But that basically never happens and is kind of weird anyways… Plus I do like girls, so it wasn’t as if it was my first time kissing a girl.” Debby added her last sentence on so casually that Josh didn’t understand it for a second.
“What?” He was confused. Since when did Debby like girls. He wasn’t a girl. They were married. Was he not what she wanted. His anxious thoughts started to creep in. testing the edges of his mind for cracks. Josh got a hold of himself.
“What do you mean, what?” Debby asked back, now she was confused as well.
“You like girls?” Josh raised the question carefully, not wanting to misunderstand.
“Oh, yeah. Did you not know?” Josh shook his head and Debby continued talking. “Sorry, dude. I didn’t realise I hadn’t told you. I’ve never kept it a secret, but I guess it hasn’t really come up since being with you.” She moved closer to Josh, laying a soft hand on his arm.
“Oh.” Josh replied, brain working to process this new information. “So you like girls and guys?” He asked slowly. Debby nodded.
“Yeah. I’m bi. Always have been.” She snuggled in next to Josh, squeezing between him and Jim.
“Oh.” Josh repeated himself, the word sounding stupid and redundant in the comfortable silence that usually permeated the living room.
“You really didn’t know?” Debby asked, turning to look at Josh, arm wrapping around his bicep and hugging it against her. Josh just shook his head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to keep it from you.” She let her head fall onto Josh’s shoulder and he pulled her knees into his lap where they were bent beside him.
“How did you know you were bi?” Josh let his hands wander across Debby’s thighs, calloused fingertips dancing across the fabric of her trousers, loose and silky.
“I think I’ve always known really. When I was really young, I didn’t have a label for it. But I remember getting crushes in the school playground on some of the girls in my class as well as the boys. And then when I reached my teenage years it was starting to become this cool thing to be ‘bisexual’, but to only date the opposite gender. So, I kind of just floated in that for a bit.” She paused to see how Josh was absorbing this information. He was staring down at where his hands met her legs, thumb dragging back and forth over the material. Debby placed her hand over his, interlocking their fingers. She could sense his anxiety. “Hey. It doesn’t mean I like you any less.” She squeezed his hand tightly.
The sharp change in pressure on his hand distracted Josh from what he was thinking. He smiled, sheepish, taking in Debby’s words. She always knew when he was getting anxious about something. Always knew what to do or say to snap him out of it. The reassurance that this didn’t change anything was calming. He knew that nothing would change, not really, he was just learning new things about her. But sometimes a little voice from the back of his mind would speak up: ‘she can do so much better’, ‘she doesn’t need you’. And then Debby would chip in with a little quip or anecdote to remind him how much she loved him; how much she needed him.
“Sorry. I know it doesn’t change anything. I just feel like this is something I should have known about you sooner. I mean, it’s a big part of you!” Josh exclaimed, bringing their joined hands to his lips and kissing the back of Debby’s.
“I know. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you more directly sooner. I’m sure I must have mentioned something, but maybe I just wasn’t clear.” Debby shook her head, slightly disappointed in herself for not speaking about this louder. Maybe in the past few years she had started to shelve her bisexuality. Now that she was settled in a relationship with a man, she didn’t feel like it occupied so much of her life. But it was still important to her. She remembered being nineteen and dancing at pride with her best friend. How accepted she felt, how loved. Her best friend had been her first kiss, nervous and excited on the carpet of her bedroom.
“Hang on! Didn’t we talk about first kisses when we met?” She blurted out, her memory jogging another one. “I kissed my best friend! She was a girl! I must have told you!”
“Well, yeah. But that’s normal.” Josh shrugged, then realised what he had said. How it might come across. “I mean, being bi isn’t not normal. Lots of people kiss their best friend first. Even straight people, it’s common. I mean, you’re already so comfortable with them, so it’s not a big deal.” The words tumbled out of his mouth as he tried to rectify the situation. He didn’t want to make Debby feel like she wasn’t normal.
“Dude, chill. It’s okay.” Debby knew what he had meant. “I guess so. Maybe.”
There was a moment of silence whilst they both though about it. Did a lot of people kiss their best friend first?
“But you didn’t kiss your best friend. Your first kiss was with that fan after a gig and you said it was so, so awkward. So, it can’t be that common.” Debby pointed out, remembering back to their conversation all those years ago when they had been discussing first kisses.
“Uhh…yeah.” Josh blushed, remembering everything. “But, um, that wasn’t really my ‘first’ kiss. Just the one I counted.”
“What?” Now it was Debby’s turn to be confused. “Did you kiss your best friend? Why didn’t you tell me?!”
Josh squirmed in his seat, wondering whether telling this story would be betraying the trust of the other person involved. Surely it was fine. It was so many years ago. He didn’t even really count it as a first kiss. Neither of them did. It was more an experiment, a practice, for when the real thing happened. Josh let out a breath and opened his mouth to speak.