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Before Taxian-Jun wakes up, he feels it.
It’s the combination of arms around his waist, steady breath against his throat, and the sudden realization that he’s in control again. Not inside the limbo between awake and asleep. Not again under the blurred consciousness of his other one’s actions.
No.
Now he’s himself again, in the arms of Chu Wanning once more.
Taxian-Jun sighs, looking down at the sharp profile of the man he deeply loves, drinking in the sight of his soft eyelashes brushing against his bare pale skin. Those dark inky locks of hair fall onto bony shoulders, swaying slightly from the wind coming in through the open window.
So poetic and peaceful. He could stare at such an image forever.
That sleepy man is Taxian-Jun’s entire world. He’s the reason he would forever fight for. The one he couldn’t imagine living without.
Once again, he sighs.
He doesn’t want to let go of Chu Wanning right now nor ever. Inside his divided self, there’s an engraved need to stay glued to Chu Wanning for every breathing second.
Because Taxian-Jun had been far away for too long, and loneliness had outlasted every place that had ever felt like home. Just as it outlasted happiness.
Right here, wrapped inside Chu Wanning’s loose embrace, even though bad feelings eventually crawl up inside his skin, he feels Chu Wanning’s everything. And it’s enough.
Most of the time.
Today’s different, for some reason.
One look outside the open window and Taxian-Jun can tell it’s barely over midnight. Mo Ran and Chu Wanning went to bed early tonight. It isn’t unusual, though Wanning sometimes has to be dragged to bed forcefully, especially if he’s working on something.
Today, Taxian-Jun can’t seem to remember what that hypocrite, Mo Ran, had done in the last three days or what Wanning had confided in him alone. Yet, he can still smell their sex on the sheets.
Huh, he thinks bitterly
Taxian-Jun knows what they think of him. Both Mo Ran and Chu Wanning. He’s petty, unreasonable, aggressive, uncultured and unredeemed. It doesn’t matter that once he awoke from Hua Binan’s control he gave away for this world’s life; it couldn’t compare, but what could he do?
The years Taxian-Jun spent mourning the man he had killed, while being convinced, back then, that Chu Wanning hated him, were the same years Mo Ran spent retracing his steps, slowly earning a love from Chu Wanning that could never be compared to anything else.
In that time, he built a name for himself and came to know sides of Chu Wanning that Taxian-Jun had only ever seen through the fog of old, shared memories.
He is also… what Mo Ran is afraid of becoming again.
There’s no changing back, though. The flower consumed everything good inside of him a long time ago, his soul is already shattered enough he only has one day by Chu Wanning’s side every three days. There’s really no changing back.
Conflicted, Taxian-Jun closes his eyes. The person in his arms stirs a little bit, shivering, then turns around, curving into a ball over his own body. He doesn’t wake.
Taxian-Jun feels like smiling, so he does. A bit. Then it turns ugly and painful and he gets off the bed swiftly, closing the window as he heads out of the bedroom.
When he sits under the tree outside their house, he feels like throwing up.
It’s a feeling he used to share with Mo Ran at the beginning, knowing exactly when both of them got conflicted impulses over the way things turned out to be. However, lately it appears only Taxian-Jun suffers from this uneasiness. Maybe Chu Wanning’s warm tone, sweet embraces and genuine love had healed him.
Taxian-Jun can tell panic doesn’t build up inside Mo Ran anymore. Obviously, he has nothing else to fear after having fought all of his traumas and having ensured Wanning would stay by his side forever.
Taxian-Jun blinks a couple of times, not wanting to let the tears roll down his face because… because…
Is there any reason to hold back crying? Any reason to swallow these bitter tears back down? Any reason to push away these ugly thoughts?
Chu Wanning being alive should be reason enough.
Having the chance to look at him, no matter how short the time, should be enough. It shouldn’t matter if Chu Wanning didn’t look at him the same as he looks at Mo Ran.
As long as Taxian-Jun can have him, there’s a reason to keep going on with this broken life.
Fuck.
What’s he even thinking?
Taxian-Jun looks in the direction of the house, blurred vision and throat stinging with the effort to hold the tears down.
He wants to live with Chu Wanning for the rest of his life, it doesn’t matter if it’s in that decrepit little house or if Chu Wanning refuses any of the luxury Taxian-Jun craved to gift him with.
He rolls this thought in his head. Over and over. It doesn’t matter if what he truly wants could not be given to him.
An extravagant life, gold, beautiful robes or Chu Wanning’s I love you muttered against his ear like he had once said to Mo Ran’s dying form.
“Does this venerable one have to die in front of you too?” Taxian-Jun whispers to no one, without averting his eyes from that little house where Chu Wanning now sleeps.
Once, when the fucking feelings got him really bad, he lingered on that thought for too long. About resting in peace for once, about the possibility of trying and reincarnating in a life in which his Chu Wanning existed and Taxian-Jun could spill everything locked up inside his heart.
Taxian-Jun couldn’t do it, not truly. Not out of pride, but because, if he died, then so would Mo-zongshi.
Wanning would never forgive him for that.
Even so, through the fog his mind is sometimes stuck with, Taxian-Jun still can see the broken form of his Chu Wanning’s Earth Soul in that hospital. Weak, looking like it could not be repaired by the strongest healing spell.
And it was Taxian-Jun’s fault. He's aware.
Suddenly, as he stares at a few tiny ants on the ground, a small bubble of light appears through the front door. Hurried steps come soundly from within the house and Taxian-Jun blinks his tears away in a flash, right on time the door swings open and Chu Wanning steps out.
He looks a bit disheveled from sleep, but his eyes keep the same sharp alertness as usual, although with a faint panic Taxian-Jun came to know too well over the years.
Fuck.
Taxian-Jun doesn’t wait for Wanning to get close; he gets up and hurries to Chu Wanning’s side, taking his body under his arms. Burying his nose in Chu Wanning’s neck, he sighs.
That’s exactly where Taxian-Jun belongs.
“Did you have a bad dream, baobei?” He murmurs, breathing in the scent from that black, beautiful hair.
Chu Wanning places his hands on Taxian-Jun's back, holding his shirt.
“…What are you doing outside?”
Taxian-Jun hesitates. Thinks for a second, then pushes Chu Wanning back a little, to look him in the eyes.
“This venerable one was thinking.”
“You couldn’t think inside the house?” Chu Wanning probes, furrowing his brows when Taxian-Jun denies, shaking his head. “Don’t be ridiculous. Why?”
“This venerable one was getting angry, so to not disturb my baobei's sleep, this venerable one came outside.”
It seems to be reasonable enough. Chu Wanning knows well that Mo Ran treasures their moments of peace. How well he treasures seeing Chu Wanning sleeping profoundly. No matter which of them it was.
“Are you still thinking about the cake?”
Taxian-Jun frowns. He isn’t, but now that Chu Wanning mentions it…
“No. This venerable one is angry because no matter how hard he tries, it seems you still think the other one is better”, for a moment, it looked like Taxian-Jun was going to either cry or burst in rage, his eyes turning red rapidly. "So what's the use… Why keep…."
He couldn’t finish it.
The thing is: Taxian-Jun once killed himself.
When everything felt hopeless, lifeless and meaningless, he felt like he had already reached the peak and even so he was alone. With no else that remembered him. No one else left, all of them either dead or pushed away hard enough to the point of no return.
There were just faded memories of Chu Wanning’s mind on letters and books Taxian-Jun couldn’t understand. Then there was no point in prolonging the bitter taste loneliness had.
Now, although Taxian-Jun is invested in Chu Wanning’s happiness, he feels like there is a competition where he, to his own displeasure, is no match considering Chu Wanning’s palate.
Taxian-Jun is yet to turn as sweet and considerate as Mo-zongshi; yet to learn how to express his feelings without the dreadful humiliation seeping through his bones; yet to comply with everything Chu Wanning deserved; yet to be the cultured man his lover’s proud of.
He feels like shit, and he didn’t want to feel this way. He did not want to cry and pester like a child because he wasn't one for such a long time already.
Taxian-Jun can’t even count his age anymore, feeling older than everyone else in the world.
And even like that, he isn’t the better one.
There's a part of him that can't understand this too. Why isn't he the better one? Didn't Mo-zongshi commit the same horrifying deeds? Didn't he manipulate his own shizun as well?
Fuck, didn't they say Taxian-Jun and Mo-zongshi were the same person? So why? Why-?
Chu Wanning catches both of his wrists in his hands, forcing Taxian-Jun to look him in the eyes once again. Taxian-Jun suddenly has a lump stuck inside his throat.
"Wanning?"
Chu Wanning looks terrified. Angry, carrying that hint of fear that Taxian-Jun could discern oh so well inside those eyes. He’s seen that look so many times before in the past.
Had provoked it, and craved to see it. Now, though, it scares him to death.
"What are you saying, Mo Ran?", he all but shouts. In the middle of the night, outside, it sounds frightening.
Taxian-Jun stares into his eyes for a long time without answering.
His gaze travels up to Chu Wanning’s red nose and pink cheeks. He probably woke up upset when he didn’t feel Mo Ran’s body next to his on the bed, so this reaction is understandable.
Because even though Taxian-Jun didn’t actually explain word by word the reason for his discontentment, it wasn’t something that required an expert to figure it out. To be completely honest, he has been trying not to let these depressing feelings fester for quite some time already.
It just happened that today they got the better of him.
Three nights before, he had his time with Chu Wanning taken away from him right when he thought he was getting a crumb of the love he craved for.
Taxian-Jun had prepared everything on his own way, had spent time away from home expecting at least to make Chu Wanning smile. But his time was over when he wasn’t expecting it to.
He talked for a long time, bullshitting his way out of Chu Wanning’s angry eyes for having made a mess, and right when his lover sighed and touched his face…
Taxian-Jun exhales, closing his eyes. Making himself vulnerable in front of this man again.
Well, better than being unreasonable, a part inside of him thought. A Mo-zongshi part of him.
“Mo Ran, I asked you a question.”
I know, he thinks, but I’m afraid that you won’t care about me once I say it.
“Wanning,” He calls out, shaking his head from side to side. Chu Wanning trembles slightly, the hands around Mo Ran’s wrists tightening, probably feeling the graveness of his tone. “It's nothing. Let’s go back inside, you’ll get a cold.”
“You-”
“Wanning, this ven… I… I want to spend the rest of my days with you. You know that, don’t you?”
Chu Wanning’s eyes widen immediately, his whole expression washing with terror. Even the hands holding Taxian-Jun start to tremble incessantly, turning loose. He takes one step back, looking straight into Mo Ran’s eyes.
“What? Why are you saying this…?”
“It’s not a lie.”
Chu Wanning’s hand moves to hold onto Taxian-Jun’s robes, fists closing tight.
“Mo Weiyu, are you going somewhere?!”
He isn’t. He just… really wanted to mention how much he wanted to spend the rest of his days with Chu Wanning. He really wanted to hear something worth not thinking about disappearing once again. Something that made him not crave to give space for that Mo-zongshi.
But…
“What if I was, Wanning?” He can’t help but ask, tilting his head to the side, looking right into Chu Wanning’s eyes. “What if this venerable one had a way to go away?” Chu Wanning opens his mouth to speak, but Mo Ran is faster, putting a finger over his lips. “If this venerable one had a way to leave you… no, to leave… to let your Mo-zongshi take over full control of this body? Would you be happier-”
“You promised me!” Chu Wanning all but yells, his entire body now shaking, absolutely terrified, while pulling Taxian-Jun’s robes. “Mo Weiyu, you said before you wouldn’t go away, then why are you doing this to me?”
“Hey-”
“Don’t you dare.” He orders. “We… have come this far. We…”
“... Wanning.” Taxian-Jun holds his face between his hands. “It’s okay. The Mo Ran you love would get to stay. Besides, I wasn’t being serious… Wanning?”
He isn’t expecting Chu Wanning’s knees to give in so suddenly, so when it does happen, Mo Ran barely prevents him from actually falling to the ground. He grabs both of Chu Wanning’s arms quickly, gaping at him. He’s shocked.
“Wanning, what happened? Is it the cold?” He asks, but doesn’t wait for a reply before making his way inside the house and to their bedroom. Chu Wanning does not stop quivering. Taxian-Jun hesitates, putting him to lay down on the bed. “Baobei, I’m sorry.”
A beat of silence. Chu Wanning has his brows furrowed deeply, eyes and cheeks reddened.
“Why did you say that?” Taxian-Jun can’t make himself answer. Chu Wanning opens his eyes and stares at him angrily. “Mo Ran, we have talked about this so many times. What’s with ‘the one I love would get to stay’? You’re the same. You’re… If you go away, what would I… No. Don’t say this to me ever again.”
“Baobei…”
“I don’t wanna hear it. Let go of me. I’m fine.”
Mo Ran does it. He tucks Chu Wanning in and waits for a second before deciding to lay down by his side.
His heart aches so much.
After pondering for a while, listening to how Chu Wanning’s still shaky breathing slowly settles, he turns to observe his lover. The faint furrow between Chu Wanning’s brows hasn’t disappeared yet, and that alone makes something twist painfully in Mo Ran’s chest. He can’t fight the urge to speak again.
The silence feels too heavy, too fragile to be trusted. He doesn’t wanna make it worse, so he tries to make it better.
“Let me just… ask you something?” His voice comes out lower than he expects, careful, almost tentative. “I promise it won’t make you sad.”
Chu Wanning moves a bit closer, but doesn’t turn to look him in the eyes. He nods, though.
“Can you…” Mo Ran swallows, fingers curling unconsciously into the fabric of Taxian-Jun’s sleeves. He’s not used to this. “Can you say you love me? Just once. Just one time is good.”
There.
Chu Wanning immediately looks at him. There’s still so much hurt in his eyes. Mo Ran pulls him closer without thinking, startled by how cold Chu Wanning’s skin still feels beneath his palms, as if the warmth hasn’t quite returned yet.
“It’s because this venerable one loves you,” Mo Ran adds quickly, almost breathlessly, afraid the silence might swallow him whole. “You know? I love you so… so deeply. So deeply, Wanning.” His voice falters despite himself. “So can you…?”
Chu Wanning’s hands pull him in, his eyes meeting Taxian-Jun’s. So full of fondness. Both of them.
“Mo Ran, I’ve told you so many times already how I am… How I am yours. Do you still have any doubt that I love you?” Taxian-Jun parts his lips, fighting himself with the urge to complain, but Chu Wanning shakes his head, touching his cheek. Brushing a tear Mo Ran didn’t even feel falling. “I love you. Always. Can’t remember a day I… No. There was never a day when you didn’t occupy a place in my heart. Remember this.”
As Mo Ran doesn’t say anything back, Chu Wanning glazes his nose against Taxian-Jun’s, with closed eyes and heavy breath, kissing his lips slowly right after.
One of his hands slides to the back of Mo Ran’s neck, fingers threading gently into his hair. The other guides Mo Ran’s hand to his chest.
Right on the scar.
Above where his heart rests.
“This is yours. I am yours.” He whispers. “My Taxian-Jun, I love you. Do you understand?”
“... Chu Wanning.”
“Do you understand, Mo Ran?”
Something inside Taxian-Jun finally gives. The crushing weight on his heart lifts, leaving behind a warmth so sudden it almost hurts. His lips pull on an involuntary proud smile, full of dimples, as he holds Chu Wanning even closer. Closer than ever. Almost crushing him into his embrace. Into his soul.
“This venerable one is glad. My Wanning,” taking a deep breath, he loosens his arms and stares at Chu Wanning. His eyes shine with unshed tears. “Can we marry again?”
“...”
“I feel like we can,” he smiles, blissful to the point of ridiculousness. Then suddenly gets angry and lets go of Chu Wanning completely. “But to me. Only to me. With cake. And you'll eat with me.”
“...”
“This venerable one himself will make it.”
Chu Wanning lets out a soft laugh. His eyes don't even look angry. Not even sad anymore. How great is that?
“Tomorrow you make it.”
“We’ll marry tomorrow?”
“...”
“I can go get Xue Meng.”
“... Goodnight, Mo Ran.”