Work Text:
It had been eight weeks since Harley had been admitted to Arkham, and she still hadn’t managed to escape. Normally this wouldn’t have been much of a problem: escapes – well planned ones that is – took time, and she liked her fellow rogues enough that spending most of the day with them wasn’t so bad. They would probably not say the same thing about her, but they’d come around eventually.
Her main problem was that Pammy was growing restless and the Warden had threatened her with being sequestered in a private facility up north, with a power dampening collar and a constant stream of low concentration pesticides being filtered into the air, to keep her docile, they said. Well, Harley liked her Pammy very much un-docile thank you very much.
So now she was working on a brand-new, minty fresh, totally fool-proof escape plan, guaranteed to get her and Pammy out of this place before anyone got collared.
Well, anyone except her, but that would come after the escape.
She hadn’t told any of the other rogues of course, the more people uninvolved, the more chaos she could cause, and chaos was the goal here. Pammy had gone to a lot of effort to convince the guard to procure the necessary ingredients that, combined with some of her own perfumes, would make a very potent truth serum. And Harley had used her charming personality to distract the cooks while she dosed the Jello. At first she had planned to add it to the mashed potatoes or some other element, until Ivy helpfully reminded her that Harley was the only one willing to eat that slop. On the other hand, even Jonathan ate the Jello and that was saying something. He always lost at least ten pounds during any stay at Arkham and if he ever stayed there longer than a few months, they had to start bringing in special shakes to help him gain weight. Usually, he’d only take a few sips before the taste made him gag and he refused any more. Once, Harley had been around to witness the guards hold him down and force him to finish the shake. The next day, he, Edward and Jervis were gone and the guards that had held him down were sporting fashionable casts and crutches.
But he always ate the Jello.
Initially, Ivy had been hesitant about using truth serum, and whether or not it would cause a big enough distraction for them to escape, at which point Harley had pulled her I have a PHD in psychology and you don’t card and told her that in a room full of rogues, the truth was the most dangerous weapon they had. There were daily fights in Arkham anyway, but if she could get them all fighting, which the truth would undoubtedly cause, there was no doubt in her mind that the distraction would be more than enough for them to leave unscathed.
All they had to do now was wait.
The night before was agonising. Harley knew she often made light of things but even she felt the importance of tomorrow weighing on her. If this didn’t work, they may not have another chance before Ivy got taken away, and what was she supposed to do then? With her Pammy completely out of reach, needing her help, which could take months, maybe even years, to organise. The kind of damage that could be done to her in that time… it didn’t bear thinking about. She wanted to hold her Pammy, to keep her close and hear her heartbeat and reassure and be reassured by her that they were getting out today and that nothing bad would happen to them, but their cells were so far apart from one another. They used to be closer, and once they had even been put together, but now the guards were warier of them and wouldn’t even entertain the idea of them being within sight of one another. Resolutely, she shut her eyes and did her best to fall asleep, using all of her imagination to pretend that Pammy was right there beside her, holding her close and stroking her hair, making everything all right.
The truth serum kicked in almost instantaneously, and the effect was something special to see. Harley wasn’t supposed to stick around per say, but this was a chance she may never get again, and the main goal of this mission was to get Ivy out safely, so she could spend a few seconds watching without worrying too much. She only wished she had her camcorder with her. This would be bliss to rewatch. Maybe she could get Eddie to get her the security camera footage, but there was no way he would do that for her after her little stunt here.
Unless she helped him get out too…
She would have to be quick about it though; they only had a short window of time before the guards called in outside forces. The Bat was not out of the question either: he always seemed to know when something was happening at Arkham, and she was sure he’d show up soon enough. She shouldered past a raging Harvey, (having a very candid and surprisingly violent disagreement with his other half), manoeuvred between an irate Oswald and Selina (apparently even Rogue-run businesses weren’t safe from Selina’s sticky fingers), and backflipped over a wrestling match between Bane and Waylon (who knew that the sewers were such a hot piece of property?)
When she reached Jonathan, she wasn’t surprised to find him next to Eddie, the two geniuses generally preferring one another’s company to any of the other Rogues, but she was surprised to see that they weren’t fighting. Neither of the individuals were the easiest to get along with, even when they weren’t honest about everything, so this was a miracle. As she came closer it became easier to hear what they were saying: Eddie was going on a long-winded explanation of why he was smarter, more attractive, and just generally better than everyone else. To their left, Jervis was punching a guard in the gut and calling him and all the others nothing more than a pack of cards. Eddie didn’t spare him a glance. Beside him, Jon was quiet, looking at him with a glare that looked almost confused. Harley had no idea what that was about; Eddie rambling about how great he was was pretty standard, even without the help of her handy dandy truth serum. Maybe the combination of his prolonged exposure to his own toxin and the truth serum was doing something funny to his head.
She was just about to extend her offer of escape when the man finally spoke. He looked totally baffled, shaking his head as he told Eddie, “I can’t believe I’m in love with you.”
Harley clapped her hands over her gaping mouth. This was just like one of her soaps. She turned her eyes to Eddie, who was likewise speechless, his little rant halted midway through, his eyes wide and his mouth hanging awkwardly open. She had never seen him like this, nor had she ever heard Jon say anything of the sort.
Still, the clock was ticking and, no matter how amusing this situation may be, she needed to get Eddie, and she guessed Jon too now, out of here or she would never get the security footage to watch back.
“All right, lovebirds you can talk later – but right now we gotta skedaddle.” She told them, grabbing their arms and hauling them over the table and towards the door, narrowly avoiding a collision with a distressed Basil, morphing frantically back and forth between his different disguises and past movie roles.
Thankfully, the two guards who were supposed to be on door duty were busy pulling Bane and Waylon apart, which was no small task: Bane had him in a tight headlock, but Waylon was digging his teeth in, hard. She had no trouble slipping out, though she had to handhold Eddie and Jon to get them along. It turned out that a totally truthful Jon couldn’t keep his eyes off Eddie and Eddie himself was still struck dumb by his previous confession. Harley guessed there was a first time for everything.
There were few guards as they made their way through the labyrinthine set of corridors that composed the asylum, and the ones they did encounter were swiftly taken care of. Ivy was far ahead of them, having bolted the moment the guards were first distracted, and she had taken care of a few as she had left, only the necessary ones though. The only poison lipstick she had was what was on her mouth, the rest having been shattered in a jostle with Harvey as she had left; the man’s truthful thoughts on their past relationship being less than civil.
Harley was determined to catch up with her, even if she had to drag Gotham’s two least athletic Rogues all the way there. Mercifully, the pair had gotten with the program and were doing their best attempt at a run. Jon’s legs were long enough to compensate for his lack of stamina, but Eddie kept a tight grip on his hand anyway.
When they reached the exit, Ivy was there too, rifling through a guard’s pockets for his keycard. She looked up when she heard their footsteps, “Harley!” She grinned at the sight of her girlfriend, and then, upon seeing Jon and Edward, “Really, Harl? I thought this was supposed to be just us?”
“I resent that.” Ed interjected.
“You do that.” Ivy bit back.
“But Pammy,” Harley whined, doing her best puppy eyes, “how else am I supposed to get the security footage if Eddie doesn’t do it for me?”
“That’s why you brought me? Why wouldn’t you tell me before you drugged me?” He was incredulous.
“How was I supposed to know it was going to be this hilarious, huh, Eddie. Riddle me that.”
Eddie’s face scrunched up and Harley found herself wishing for the second time that day that she had her camcorder. He looked like he had just taken a bite out of a lemon the size of Texas, and he still hadn’t let go of Jon’s hand.
“First of all, it’s called forethought, and second of all, riddle me this –
He furrowed his brows, the words not coming to him.
“Holy shit, do riddles count as lies?” She really should have done more research into how the serum was going to work, but Ivy could only charm the guards for so long into letting her use the computer before someone noticed.
“You little –
And all of a sudden, Eddie was barrelling towards her, his hands reaching for her neck. Luckily for her, Jon yanked Ed off of her before he could do anything.
“Don’t be an idiot; how do you think we’ll get out if you kill Harleen?”
Eddie pouted, “I preferred it when you were confessing your love for me.”
“Two things can be true at once. You can be an idiot, and I can be in love with you.”
Eddie went bright red, and Harley whispered to Ivy, “Did any of the guards have like a phone or a camera on them?”
“Not what I’m looking for.” Ivy replied, continuing rifling through the guard’s pockets, “Aha!” she held up his keycard triumphantly, “Now let’s get out of here.”
“You’re brilliant!” Harley cried, slipping an arm through Ivy’s and planting a kiss on her cheek. Ivy nodded, and the group made their way out, through the now unlocked door and out the gates. By the time they reached the boat waiting for them at the harbour, they could see the dark shape of the Batmobile making its way up the road. Well, all of them except Jon could see it; his glasses had been lost somewhere along the way and as it turned out he could hardly see without them. He didn’t seem to care about the Bat showing up at all though, keeping his, half-blind, eyes on Eddie.
“You’re beautiful.”
“You can hardly see, so your word is pretty useless.”
“Can’t lie though, can I?”
“Truth is subjective, and you are clearly delusional.”
“Are you saying you’re not beautiful?”
“Of course not – I’m stunning. But you’re unreliable right now.”
“I’d say he’s way more reliable right now than he’s ever been before.” Harley interjected, “our truth serum’s so strong it won’t even let you tell your riddles. Hey, Pammy, we should make a business out of this – people’ll cough up the big bucks for real life truth serum! We’ll be billionaires!”
Ivy considered it for a moment. The money they could make would help in her fight for the environment, and could keep them out of Arkham and other, worse, facilities for a good while (not forever of course – Harley would get bored no matter how much they made.)
“Maybe.”
“We’ll be requiring a cut for the emotional toll your little stunt cost us.”
“You’ll get freedom and you’ll like it.”
Ed grumbled but accepted it.
Once they were within the home stretch, Harley moved away from Ivy’s side and sat beside Jon and Eddie.
“Sooo,” She intoned, grinning excitedly at the pair, her eyes darting her eyes back and forth between them, “Jonnie and Eddie, sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S-S –
She was cut off by a pale spindly hand clamping down over her mouth. “Be real nice if you could shut up right now.” Harley grinned beneath his hand – he was blushing hard.
Soon enough, Jon was yanking his hand away, “Did you just lick me?”
Harley shrugged, “Worked, didn’t it?”
“Besides,” Jon maintained, “It’s unethical for you to question us while under the effects of your little drug.”
Next to him, Ed laughed, “Like you’re one to preach about ethics: you experimented on half your students.”
“Don’t contradict me in front of her!”
“Ah ah, Jonnie,” Harley remonstrated mockingly, “It’s unethical to be mean to someone for what they say under the effects of our super awesome, soon to be mega successful drug. Now, what’s all this about you being in love with our little Eddie?”
“Yeah, what is this about you being in love with me?” Eddie questioned, his endless curiosity taking over.
Jon, if possible, went even redder, glaring at the two, but unable to stop the answer from leaving him, “You’re smart, and attractive, and damn insufferable most of the time.”
Harley turned to Eddie, “Two out of three ain’t bad.” But he just waved her away, wholly focused on Jon, “What else do you like about me?”
As Jon began to elaborate, Harley went back up to Ivy’s side, resting her head on the other woman’s shoulder, “Good news honey sweetie baby, we’re going to have friends to go on double dates with soon!”