Archive of Our Own

There was a large clock on the back wall of the hospital wing, and Remus had been staring at it for - he wasn't really sure how long. It was a struggle to stay awake, after the night before, but he didn't want to sleep either. He'd already spent the first few morning hours, after he'd been retrieved from the shack, attempting to get some rest, at Madam Pomfrey's insistence, but it hadn't been really restful after all.

It was hard for nightmares not to creep in after the moon. It should have been easy to simply pass out and not think, but even after being up all night, howling himself horse and practically clawing his skin off, his brain ran a mile a minute. At home, it had been different. At home, his mother had been there to comfort him, to stroke his hair, tell him it would all be alright. It had been easier to believe those words before he had come to school - now, he felt burdened not only by his transformation, but by the secret he was keeping from his friends.

The clock kept ticking. Remus wondered if he could make himself seem perked up enough that Madam Pomfrey would let him go. Maybe, in his own bed, he could sleep, and try to forget the horrible night he had just had.

He doubted that, of course. But it wouldn't hurt to try… He made an attempt to push himself up in bed, but it was no use. Now, he was sitting up, but he felt even more exhausted then he had before. At this rate, he'd be stuck here all day. And the others would probably be off having all kinds of fun without him, he thought to himself bitterly. Just his luck, to make friends for the first time and still have to miss out on so much.

He had only just thought of this when the door burst open, and none other then James Potter appeared. Remus bit his lip. He liked it when his friends had visited him the few moons he had spent in school, of course, because it was no fun being in the hospital wing all alone (even when there were other students there, Pomfrey didn't take kindly to too much talking, but today, Remus was all by himself). At the same time, however, it was hard to keep up his secret if the others saw him like this. He would have to come up with another excuse soon, he thought - there were only so many times you could be horribly sick on such regular schedule before people started to notice.

He couldn't be mad at James, though. James, Remus had realized over the short time that he had known him, was the sort of person who was very hard to be mad at. Or maybe that was just him - maybe he was too soft. But Sirius and Peter never seemed to get upset at the other boy either, so he wasn't sure that was the case.

The bespectacled boy had only just appeared in the doorway, a worried look on his face and a package in his hands when he was spotted by Madam Pomfrey. She gave him a stern look, but seemed to soften up after seeing just how concerned he looked. "You won't stay too long," She said firmly, arms crossed over her chest. "He needs rest." Remus rolled his eyes. He didn't need rest more then he wanted to see his friends. Perhaps seeing James would make things feel a bit better. Madam Pomfrey wasn't mean, not really. She was actually quite kind underneath her stern, no nonsense attitude, but it was different, having a nurse take care of you then it was with someone you really knew, like a mum, or a friend.

James nodded, and it seemed he was taking her request to heart as he sat down at the side of Remus' bed. In his lap, Remus now saw, was a napkin from the great hall that he hoped had some breakfast wrapped up in it (it smelled like it might) and a few packs of chocolate frogs.

"Alright, Remus?" He said, setting the stack down on the little table next the hospital bed. Remus nodded, trying his best to not look as weak as he felt. "I figured I'd bring you breakfast, since you missed it, and some chocolate frogs. Chocolate always makes me feel a bit better when I'm sick. I'm sure it's some sort of science, really - even my mum agrees, I think."

Remus thought that his mum might agree as well. He watched as James opened the napkin to reveal two slices of buttered toast and a few fat little sausages. He felt his stomach rumble a bit and hoped that James couldn't hear. He was always so hungry after the moon - it was as though the wolf wanted to devour everything, except it was in the body of a small, sickly boy."You really didn't have to do all this, really…" He said, but he was glad James had come.

The thing was, he had never really had friends, so he didn't have any idea what it was supposed to be like. It was embarrassing to admit, even to himself, but while his father had never said it outright, there had always been an implication that it was too dangerous. Too dangerous for him, of course, but sometimes he thought that perhaps it was about the protection of others. If he wasn't allowed friends, there would be no one for him to hurt.

The last thing in the world he wanted to do was to hurt anyone. He had been telling himself this every day since he'd arrived at Hogwarts - he wasn't bad, he didn't want to hurt anyone, he cared about his friends.

The wolf didn't, though.

It was easier to think of the wolf as separate from him. But if his friends found out, what would they think? Would they agree?

No. They'd be afraid, and he'd lose them, and he'd lose Hogwarts and then all he would be right back where had started, with nothing.

He turned his attention back to James. "Really," He said to Remus. "I don't mind. Besides," He added with a slightly lower voice. "Peter was asking for help with homework, and I didn't really feel like it at the moment. I told him to ask Sirius, but he was pretending to be asleep. And then he said he'd come along and ask you, and I said, no, Remus is sick, he doesn't want to look at your transfiguration essay."

Remus felt a bit bad - he didn't mind helping Peter most of the time and it definitely didn't bother him as much as it did Sirius (who was always insisting he couldn't explain things, because they were just 'obvious'), but it was also true, that the last thing he wanted to do at the moment was help anyone with any sort of homework. He didn't even know that he could think straight enough to do his own homework if he'd wanted to. "Thanks." He said, somewhat shyly. It was funny how it made him feel to have someone who actually knew him besides his parents, and not just knew him, but thought about what he might want. "I can look at it when I get out, if he still needs help…"

James shook his head. "He'll be okay. I think he's just a bit insecure, his older sister was top of her year when she was in school, but he's not really stupid like he thinks he is. It's just hard, having people like you and Sirius to compare to, y'know." Remus thought that he really shouldn't be included in that, but he didn't say.

James always seemed to understand people, or at least it seemed that way to Remus. Perhaps that was another side effect of spending time only with your family - it was hard to understand the inner workings of someone elses mind.

But it wasn't like James had siblings, he was just somehow very personable all on his own. Remus wished he could be more like him, but at the same time, he wasn't sure that Gryffindor needed more James Potter then it already had had for just the first few months of school. "I don't mind helping him, really." Remus said, digging into the food that James had brought, and also trying to keep his voice low enough that Madam Pomfrey would forget that the two of them were there (Remus did doubt that, of course, but he could still try).

"I know." James said, and Remus once again thought that he sounded quite wise - though it also felt silly to think of someone his age as wise. "You're too nice." He added, but he was smiling, so Remus didn't think he meant it negatively at all.

"Oh, I mean… I just like to help." It was true, he did, but more then that, he liked the idea that his friends might need him. He hoped that no one else could tell, because it felt a bit embarrassing to even think. But after spending so many years thinking his parents, the only people he really had in life, would be better off without him, the feeling of being important to someone was comforting. Even if it meant looking over most of Peter's essays, or going along with James to watch Gryffindor quidditch practice when Sirius was too tired or uninterested, even when Remus knew he would likely never care as much about the sport as his friend did.

James rolled his eyes, but he still seemed fairly cheerful. "Yeah, sure. But you don't always have to help him, is all I mean. He'll have to learn things on his own eventually. " His face looked serious for a moment. "You know, I think you're like.. Well, I don't know if we'd all be friends without you. I don't know what we would do without you at all."

There was a warm feeling in Remus' chest, something he didn't think he had ever felt before. "You would." He said, and it wasn't because he was trying to seem humble. As much as he wanted to be needed, he knew that everyone would get along without him just fine.

James shook his head, his expression the same. "No, really. You're like… The last bit of the puzzle. Or something like that, I don't know. I mean, it just makes sense, don't you think?"

Remus smiled. "You all are my best friends." He said, still feeling a bit shy about all the compliments. "And I think you will be forever." He couldn't see himself saying anything like this to Sirius, he thought privately. Or Peter - but mostly this was because Peter seemed to follow along with anything James or Sirius did, particularly Sirius. This, Remus had thought, was interesting, because though they were all friends, Sirius was the most easily bothered by Peter. He wasn't sure if this was the sort of thing anyone else noticed, but he did. He'd started to get quite good at noticing things - it helped that he was quiet, or seemed quiet, so people didn't seem to pay him much mind, unless he was with the others.

"Of course we will." James replied, matter of factly. "Oh, we were talking, and I wanted to ask you about this, obviously, but we should call ourselves something."

"What?" Remus said, cocking his head to the side. "Like the Three Musketeers, or something?" He had to laugh at that thought. Calling yourself something - a group - was something people only seemed to do in books. Not eleven year old boys in boarding school.

"The what?" James asked. Remus had realized in fairly short order after arriving to Hogwarts that he knew more muggle references then most of his classmates, but he still hadn't been able to remove them from his vocabulary entirely. At least, he thought, he would have to teach James and Sirius and Peter some of them.

"Oh, it's… It's a muggle thing, sorry." He replied apologetically. He didn't want to seem too different - all of his friends were purebloods, or at least had two wizard parents. "Like a group, though. Like… The Beatles, or something." Another muggle reference! He really had to be better about that. "They're a band."

"I've heard of the Beatles!" James seemed excited that he'd finally got one of Remus' references. "Or I heard Lily Evans say something about them." It seemed, Remus thought, that there was nothing Lily Evans could say that James wouldn't remember. He wished someone thought of him like that sometimes. "But yeah, like… Well, we aren't a band really. But something like that. Anyway you've got to think of ideas, because Sirius and Peter - sorry, don't tell them this, but none of their ideas are very good."

Remus laughed. He wasn't really surprised, or at least not about Peter. Sirius was clever, and he could think of clever things when he wanted to. He just had to want to, which was often the problem. But he was sure they would think of something good - they usually did, when they put all four of their minds together. "Oh, I dunno, Pete can be pretty funny sometimes." It was true, but Peter's problem was that he didn't think he was funny, and often ended up overcomplicating things. Or maybe he just wasn't comfortable enough with James and Sirius yet. Remus, however, was determined to make friends with all of his dorm mates. That had, at least, been his goal when he first arrived.

Of the three of his new friends, he had actually met Peter before the others, on the train. And then James and Sirius had barrelled in, already trying to hide from Sirius' older cousin, and that had been that. He couldn't really imagine that he could've been more lucky, that the four of them had ended up in the same house.

It was one of the first times in his life he'd ever actually felt lucky. That was something he wasn't sure he would ever tell anyone - he couldn't very well tell his friends without a lot of explaining, and he worried his mum would get too sad. He tried very hard not to make her too sad, though sometimes he felt like he made her sad just by existing.

Remus knew this was not normal for an eleven year old to feel. He hadn't really considered what normal was, not until he'd gone to school. But it had not been difficult to suss out within the first few days just how different he was. Of course, he had never thought it was normal to be a werewolf, or to never be around other children, or… Well, lots of things. But it had never really occured to him that nothing about him was normal. Not even the small things.

Looking at James now, or being here with him, though, Remus couldn't help but feel like maybe that didn't matter. Maybe normal was overrated, if James Potter, who seemed to be such a golden boy, who was so confident and charismatic, wanted Remus around. And not just around, but wanted him as a friend. As a best friend. Or one of them at least.

He wanted to keep talking, for James to stay all day - but it was clear that would not be the case. When he looked up, Madam Pomfrey was approaching swiftly, a potion in her hand that he did not like the look of - Especially because it was likely that he'd be expected to drink it.

"Alright, Mr. Potter, I've let you stay too long already, and your friend needs to sleep." Her voice was somehow both kind and stern at the same time, in a way that Remus knew wasn't anger. But still, he frowned, shaking his head.

"No, no, I've had plenty of rest! I think I could actually go back to the dorms, really -" It was no use, though. She was shaking her head, and shooing James, who was giving him an extremely apologetic look, out of the hospital wing.

As she came back to his bedside, he sighed. His eyelids were feeling quite heavy, he thought, despite his protests. When she gave him a sleeping draught, he took it willingly, though he still wished he could be out there, with his friends, scheming and coming up with silly names. Perhaps he would do those things in his dreams, he told himself encouragingly as he drifted off.

Things were different, now that James, Sirius and Peter knew. Remus hadn't worked out if he felt like different was bad, good, or the same, but he had been thinking about it a lot. He also hadn't really been talking to them about it - it was easier that way. They had a million questions for him, he knew that, he could see them holding back. Well, really he could see James holding Sirius and Peter back.

He had found himself growing distant from them, a bit. Not enough to be noticeable to the others, at least he didn't think so, but enough to be noticeable to him. He didn't like it, not really - but he had been so afraid of losing them all this time, if they found out (when they found out, really, it if he was being honest with himself, because it was a ruse he would not have been able to keep up for seven years). But now that they knew, his mind was creating all sorts of new fears for him to turn over and over any moment he had alone. But thinking of the fears was better then facing them, especially with the moon coming up.

James found him in the library one day - just a few days before the moon, the first moon that his friends knew about. Somehow, facing James alone felt more difficult then with the others, which was odd, because it logically he thought it ought to be the other way around.

Maybe he hadn't been avoiding them all, though - maybe, he thought, it had just been James.

The others had more questions, sure, but James seemed more… Worried, about the whole thing. Not worried about his own safety, no - he should have been worried about that, Remus wanted to tell him - but worried about him.

Remus didn't know what to do with it. He had learned how the wizarding world would treat him, how they would look at him differently, look at him as less, as different, as a monster. From this, deep down, perhaps he had started to look at himself differently. Maybe, he thought, usually when he was alone, he was a monster. Maybe there was no difference between the wolf and him, and one day, he would only be the wolf.

But why would James be worried, then? If he was just a monster, no one should be worried about him at all.

"Remus." James said, when he appeared suddenly between the stacks. Remus had been looking for some extra reading that he had been talking to Sirius about, but now he was realizing that obviously Sirius had already checked the book out, and instead, he was just wandering about, picking out books at random. James had crossed his arms over his chest, looking serious. "You're hiding from us, aren't you."

Perhaps he hadn't been being as subtle as he thought. Or James was just perceptive. Probably, he concluded, it was a bit of both. "No, I'm not, I was just… Looking for something I wanted to show Sirius."

James was already shaking his head, though. "It's interesting you say that, because Sirius was the one who pointed out that you were missing."

"I'm not missing!" Remus protested, realizing as soon as he opened his mouth how defensive he sounded. His friend would see right through that. "It's just.. So close to.. Well, you know, I just.." He sighed, his shoulders falling a bit. "I just don't want to think about it."

"So don't." James said, with a shrug, like it was the most obvious and easy thing in the world. "You don't have to talk to us about it, y'know." As if it was that simple. Remus gnawed on his lip, trying to think of how he could explain to James that even if they didn't ask questions now, there was simply a natural curiosity to humans - especially to the Marauders. They would ask eventually, they wouldn't be able to help it.

"You say that, but…" He trailed off, unsure of what else to say that wouldn't sound accusatory.

"But eventually we'll have to ask all the things you're so afraid of?" James said, folding his arms across his chest.

"If I don't talk about it now I'll have to later." Remus said, feeling a bit pathetic for answering with practically the same thing that James had said.

"Even if that's true, what difference does it make if you're spending now with us, or… Hiding in here?" James raised an eyebrow, and Remus supposed he had a point, as much as he didn't want to admit it. "I… Okay, you're right, I - Well, we all have questions. We already did, but… But I mean, we can show restraint." Remus was not sure if he believed that, at least for all of them. "Or try, and especially if you talk to Sirius and Pete… Please?"

It was hard to say no when James Potter said please. Remus sighed, putting his book back on the shelf. "Okay. I can… I can try." Perhaps his real worry was that if his friends learned what he was, what he really was, not just a werewolf, but a real monster - because this was what he was, he was sure of it more and more every moon - they would rightfully not want him around anymore. He wouldn't want himself around, he thought, if he was one of his friends. If he knew as little about werewolves as he did, besides his own personal experiences, which were admittedly limited, what did his friends know? Surely, at the very least, they knew that they should be afraid of him.

It turned out, he quickly realized, that at least James had done more research into his condition then he had ever done himself. Possibly more then anyone had ever done at all. Which made sense, considering James was one of the smartest people he knew.

"I figured… Well, we figured, I didn't do it all on my own, Sirius helped, mostly, but… That you wouldn't want to answer a ton of questions.. I mean, there are still a ton of questions, because there's not a lot of books about it and also we didn't want to.. I dunno, arouse suspicion by checking out any book about…" He lowered his voice enough that only he and Remus could hear, "Werewolves… But we did our best, and between the two of us - and Peter did help too, some - we figured we could answer some things on our own. And…" He sounded nervous, which was unusual for James, " Well, we want to help. All of us."

Remus frowned. "Help how? I - I'll always be like this, you've gotta know that. It's just something I have to learn to live with. And I have, I really have. There's nothing you can do, James." He felt bad as soon as he said it. He hated to say no to any of his friends, but especially hated to say it to James. James, who was always so confident that he could do anything, and that nothing could ever touch him. By proxy, he also seemed to believe that nothing could, or perhaps that nothing should, touch his friends. But that simply wasn't the case, Remus knew, and the sooner James learned, the better.

"Well, I suppose that's the thing. We haven't figured out how yet. But… We will, okay? I promise." He was looking at Remus so earnestly that it made his stomach churn. He didn't want that. He wanted things to be the same as they had before, when he could pretend that he was normal, just like his friends.

"No." His voice was harsher then he meant it to be. He looked at James, expecting, with a sinking feeling in his stomach, to be seeing the worst emotion he could think of to see on James Potter's face - hurt.

It was as bad as he expected. What made it worse was that the other boy was clearly trying to hide it, and was doing so incredibly poorly. "But we could - " James started, and then stopped himself. Remus felt awful. But how did he explain what he was feeling? It felt like the sort of thing you really had to live to understand.

"Sorry.." Remus said, trying to sound calm and measured. "I didn't mean it like… I just mean I don't want… That. I don't want help with this. I just want things to go back to how they were before, okay?" He sighed. "Look. You can all ask as many questions as you want. I can handle it. Just… You can't fix this. Please don't try to fix it." He looked at James, and was not convinced by the look on his friend's face. "Please?"

"Okay." James said, but Remus could tell that it wasn't really sincere. He sighed. It was a nice gesture, and he should have expected that he couldn't get someone like James Potter to let go of this sort of thing. But he could hope, couldn't he? "Okay. We won't do anything. I promise."

This, Remus thought to himself as a pit begun to form in his stomach, was going to be a very long year.

After awhile, it didn't bother Remus as much, that the others knew. And it seemed that James had stayed true to his word, and had convinced Peter and Sirius not to try and help. At least, he could only hope.

He'd answered a lot of questions - more then he had wanted to at first, but after the first few, he had realized that it wasn't quite as bad as he thought. He didn't have to tell his friends what it was like, what it was really like. They didn't have to know what he really was. As long as it stayed abstract to them, everything would be okay.

He didn't even really mind that they had started calling him Moony. It was almost nice, like it was a way to make the thing he was so afraid of a bit more comforting.

It did not, however, make the moon more comforting in its physical state. Nor did it make his transformations any better.

By fourth year, in fact, his transformations had gotten considerably worse. Perhaps it was a side effect of puberty. He wondered if his friends had read anything about this in all the books they had looked through second year, but he didn't want to ask. If he had questions for them, then surely they would have more for him. It had to be a give and take, and he didn't really want to give anymore, not in that regard. And he was too afraid to check out the books himself, for obvious reasons. Especially paired with the fact that people very well could have seen what the other Marauders had checked out before… He couldn't even risk Madam Pince knowing.

Sometimes the others came to visit him in the hospital wing, though he had begun to try more and more to fend them off. He didn't like them to see him looking so worse for wear. But they came anyway. Peter would recount the antics of anything with his friends that he might have missed - though they tried to save the really big pranks for when Remus could be there. Sirius brought books for him to read, or, when Remus couldn't convince him to leave, for him to read out loud to Remus.

And then there was James.

It was one of the few times that James seemed to be content to sit quietly, not trying to be the center of attention. Though Remus wasn't sure that James was ever actually trying to be the center of attention - more, it seemed, that it was something that just came naturally. But when he visited Remus, at least when he visited alone, he usually brought some school work - Remus' too, if he had missed anything - and the two of them would work on it quietly together, until Madam Pomfrey decided he'd had 'too much excitement'.

Sometimes, Remus thought, that James might get farther with Lily Evans if he could behave this way around her. He wasn't going to tell him this, of course. James would figure out Lily on his own, or he wouldn't, and Remus had decided that he wouldn't interfere with that, for everyone's sake. He thought things might also go better if Sirius would stop interfering too, but there was really no telling Sirius Black what to do, and so it would have been pointless to try.

By now, he was mostly used to seeing his three dorm mates in the hospital wing after the full moon, and possibly a classmate at times, if they were also injured (though Madam Pomfrey did a good job putting up curtains so that other students wouldn't suspect anything - he had been doing his best to keep up the lie that he was simply visiting his mother during the moons, and he would do so as long as he could. It felt as though it'd be far too much work to come up with another lie, though he ought to think of a backup at some point - perhaps Sirius would have some good ideas.)

He did not expect, on this particular day, to see Lily Evans of all people walk into the hospital wing, looking quite a bit concerned. She seemed to brighten a bit when she spotted him, though, and hurried over. "Remus! I've been looking for you, and, well, Mary Macdonald said she saw you when she was here picking up something from Madam Pomfrey, but then Potter said.. Well, he said you were visiting your mum, but.." She gestured a bit, as though his being here was enough to finish that sentence. Remus sighed heavily. He wasn't sure he had a good answer for this. He couldn't very well tell Lily the truth, of course. And good on James, he thought, for attempting to keep up his lie, but clearly that wouldn't work either.

"I.. Just didn't want everyone knowing, that's all. I just didn't feel well. Not a big deal." He said, giving a weak smile. He wasn't sure if this would hold up, but he hoped she wouldn't ask more questions. Coming up with excuses on the fly wasn't totally out of his skill set, but it was a bit more difficult when he felt like this.

"Oh. But you weren't -" Lily stopped herself, as if she realized there was something Remus didn't want to say. He kicked himself for not pretending to be asleep, or something - Lily was smart, just as smart as James and Sirius if not moreso, and it wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility for her to figure things out. He just hoped that she didn't think too much of it. Especially considering the company she kept - or some of it, at least.

Remus didn't want to be judgemental and it was entirely possible that his thoughts and opinions on Lily's friendship with Severus Snape was a side effect of being friends with James and Sirius. He did doubt that, though, just based on his own observations of the Slytherin boy. It had never made sense to him that someone like Lily, who was unendingly kind and thoughtful and intelligent, would hang around someone as unpleasant as Snape. James had told him at some point that Lily and Snape were childhood friends, who had grown up in the same town, which he supposed would make a bit more sense. Still, though. Lily seemed… Better then that. Too good for slimey Snape, surely.

But even if that was the case, it still struck him as odd that the two of them had remained friends, considering… Everything. But what did he know about that sort of thing? James, Sirius and Peter were the first friends he'd ever really had, and he couldn't imagine what it would be like to have a friend longer then that, especially not since childhood. And his friends had also made plenty of choices he would probably consider questionable (and they would likely say the same about him), though that didn't really feel like it was comparable. But still, he wasn't really close enough with Lily to pry on that particular subject. He wouldn't consider her to be just an acquaintance, it was hard to not have a repertoire with everyone in his year at least, but still. He wasn't sure he'd consider her a friend either, or not a close one at least.

"Anyway," Lily was saying, "You missed charms, so I thought I would bring you the notes!" She held out a stack of parchment, and Remus took it with a small smile.

"Oh, thanks. James usually takes notes for me when…" He trailed off, realizing he had likely said too much, and begun scrambling quickly to find a different way to end that sentence, one that wouldn't imply that he had a real reason to be in the hospital wing regularly.

But Lily was quicker. "When you go to visit your mum, yeah. But I've seen Potter's handwriting, it's a bit hard to read."

This wasn't entirely untrue - James could definitely work on his penmanship. But Remus had spent enough time looking at his friend's writing that it didn't seem as indecipherable as it might to other people. "Oh, yeah.. Well, thanks, really. I appreciate it."

"Yeah!" There was a moment of silence, and Remus wondered briefly if she had really just come here to bring him the notes. "Well, I better go. I hope you feel better." She bit her lip, then stood, leaving the room in a bit of a hurry.

She had only been gone a moment when James, Sirius and Peter all burst in.

"Was that Lily?" James asked excitedly as soon as Remus was in earshot. He nodded. It was the sort of question he'd come to expect from James, though he thought if he was anyone else, it might irritate him."She's alright, though?"

"Yeah, she just… Came to bring me charms notes." He held up the parchment Lily had brought, a bit apologetically. "I know you probably took them too, sorry."

"Oh," James said, frowning slightly- Remus hoped that he wasn't actually upset about the notes. "I didn't tell her you were here, really, I swear. None of us did."

Sirius was giving James a bit of a funny look. "Are you sure you didn't? We all know how you get around Evans."

"He didn't." Remus said, shaking his head. "She said Mary saw me here. It's really fine." He sighed. He was too tired to get into his worries about Lily finding out. "I… I feel bad, that you all have to lie, really. " He did feel bad, especially that James had to lie to Lily, which Remus was sure he didn't want to.

"Don't." James said firmly, and Sirius and Peter nodded. "It's good practice anyway," He added, lowering his voice a bit with a grin. "I think even McGonagall is starting to believe me almost all the time." That, Remus thought, was definitely not true.

"Sure she is." He replied with a half smile. He didn't really want to tell his friends to leave, but he also wanted to sleep. Looking around, he half hoped that Pomfrey would appear and kick them out, and then he felt bad for hoping.

It wasn't long before his wish came true, with the nurse insisting that he'd had enough visitors, despite the protests of the other three boys. When she came back, with what he assumed was a sleep potion in hand, Remus gave her a thankful smile, before taking it and drifting off.

He had not been prepared for everything that would happen fifth year. Later, looking back on it, he wondered how he had handled it as well as he had.

That was not to say he handled it particularly well, but all things considered, he could have done a lot worse. He would be proud of himself in the future, but that wasn't for a long time. In the moment, it truly felt as though his world was ending.

James was the first of his friends that he actually spoke to, after everything. And even then, it took time - he had spent almost a week holed up anywhere he thought the marauders wouldn't look for him. Perhaps it was because James appeared to have commandeered the map, which was still a work in progress anyway, that the others didn't find him. When James did find him finally, they still spent a good amount of time - an entire week longer at least - in silence, or almost.

At times, it surprised Remus how much patience his friend seemed to have with him. He ought to be grateful, he told himself, because if it wasn't for James, he surely would not be here, now, still at school. Still, it was hard not to stay angry. Not at James necessarily, but… Sometimes, James and Sirius just seemed like such a pair, even within their group.

More then any of his friends, though, he was angry at himself. He had obviously let his guard down too much, for too long. How had he been so stupid? This was the exact thing his parents had always been afraid of, what they had always tried to protect him from. And now, that horrible thing had come true, or almost come true, but those things felt very much the same to Remus.

And while yes, Dumbledore had spoken to Snape, and convinced him not to tell any other students, so Remus would not be expelled… Would his parents even want him to come back to school the next year? Would they think it was safe anymore, for him or his classmates? He had allowed himself to believe, for a short period of time, that he was not a monster, but it was becoming abundantly clear how untrue that was.

"Do you think you'll forgive him?" James asked one day while they sat by the lake, Remus throwing rocks and James just watching.

Remus didn't even turn to look at him. "Dunno. Maybe. Or... Eventually, I guess."

"You have every right to be mad at him." James said, and he sighed heavily because James has said that a million times. "It's just... Well, I don't want to have to pick sides and -"

Remus cut him off. "You don't. It's fine." Because you would pick him, you would always pick him, is what he thought but did not say. "I'm not even really... I am mad at him. But I'm mad at myself more."

James looked at him with a strange expression that Remus had never seen on his face before, shaking his head. "Why would you be mad at yourself? You didn't do anything wrong."

"I mean, I did though, didn't I?" Remus said bitterly. "Almost killed someone."

"But you didn't."

Remus whipped around, more angry then he meant to be. "But I almost did, James, and the only reason I didn't is because of you! I couldn't have stopped myself. I would have done it, and so it doesn't really matter if I did or didn't in the end, does it?" He shouldn't be taking this out on James, he thought, as he looked at his friend's worried face. He was only trying to make Remus feel better, clearly. But still, Remus didn't really feel that he deserved to feel better. Perhaps if he wallowed in the feelings he had, he would eventually feel as though he was not such a terrible person. Or maybe he could feel like he was a person at all, even. "Just admit it." He said, hanging his head, unable to meet James' gaze again. "I'm a monster. I know it's what all of you think, even if you won't say so."

James shook his head. "No." He grabbed Remus' arm, as if he was trying to force him to make eye contact. "You're not. You're… It's not your fault, Remus. It's… Sirius was being stupid, okay? I'm mad at him too." He bit his lip. "I didn't want to talk to him at all, at first. I mean.. It wasn't just hurting Snape. It was hurting you too."

"So what?" Remus replied. "Maybe I deserve it. Maybe it's just proof that I shouldn't be here at all. Maybe -"

"No." James cut him off, sounding more serious then he ever had in the time Remus had known him. "You do belong. There would be no Marauders without you." He looked very determined, Remus thought. "And if you don't come back next year, neither will I. In protest. And I'll get Sirius and Peter to not come back either."

"That would may be the stupidest idea you've had, probably ever." Remus was smiling now, though - James always seemed to be able to say just the right thing to make things less bleak. He wasn't sure he was ready to talk to Sirius quite yet. But soon.

As the two boys headed back to the castle, in time for dinner Remus hoped, they saw a blur of red hair and robes rushing towards them. Well, rushing towards Remus - Lily Evans seemed to have spent much of the first half of the year not even wanting to speak to James much at all, though that wasn't particularly outside the norm.

Remus had been getting to know Lily quite a bit better, though - they had been assigned prefects together at the beginning of the year. It was something his mother had been so proud of, and now it just stung to think about. He didn't want to do it anymore, but Dumbledore had not allowed him to step down. Remus had insisted over and over again that anyone would be a better choice, James, Sirius, even Peter, but it had been no use. As long as he remained at school, the headmaster told him, he would maintain his responsibilities. It almost made him wish that he wasn't coming back.

Almost, but not quite.

"Remus, I - Well, I've been looking for you, I wanted to talk to you and -" She looked at James, frowning and biting her lip uncomfortably. "I thought we could talk alone…"

He sighed. "Look, if this is about prefect stuff, I've just.. Had a lot going on, I'm really sorry, it's just -"

"His mum has been really sick." James piped up before Remus could finish. "I can vouch."

Lily frowned, giving James a funny look before turning back to Remus. "Really, it's private." She was shifting from foot to foot nervously, and honestly, it was making Remus nervous too.

"Go ahead, Prongs, it's fine." He said to James, who turned and headed back towards the castle reluctantly. As soon as James was out of earshot, he looked at Lily expectantly. "Is something wrong? I really am sorry, about the prefect stuff…"

She shook her head. "It's not about that… It's… Well, you know I haven't been talking to Severus anymore. Except… He's still trying to talk to me anyway, and… Well…" She was chewing her lip again and Remus knew exactly where this was going. "Well, he said some things about you. And if it's not true, I believe you, really, I just wanted to -"

"It is." Remus said, staring at the ground. She was smart, he told himself, and she would have found eventually. "I…" What did he say to this? What was he supposed to do? The only two examples he had of a situation like this were on entirely different ends of the spectrum, with Snape and with his friends. What was Lily thinking? What had she been thinking, for however long, since Snape had given him away? "I understand if you don't… I can try to step down as prefect. If it makes you… I know I'm…" As fast as he scrambled for the words to reply, he couldn't seem to get hold of them.

"What?" Lily was staring at him. "No, Remus. It's not like… Well, it's not like you're like that all of the time. You're nothing like that." She stepped closer, reaching out, and Remus stepped back.

"I am, Lily. I'm a monster. I'm scary. You can say it. I know I am, and I have my whole life, okay?"

"No, you are not." Her voice was firm. "I mean. It is a bit scary, but I'm sure it's scarier for you." She looked back at the castle. "They know, then, don't they? James, and the others?"

Remus nodded. "Since second year… Look, please just don't tell anyone? Snape - I didn't - Well, I should have expected he would tell you at least, I don't know.."

"I won't. I promise, you can trust me. Pinky promise, even." She held out her hand, pinky outstretched, and he twisted it in his own.

"Thank you, Lily.. Really." He said, with a small smile. "You don't know how much this means."

It did not take him much longer to forgive Sirius. It helped that every time Remus found himself around his friend, he felt a bit ill not speaking to him. It had also helped that the next full moon had been just around the corner, and Remus had no desire to spend it alone, not after knowing what it was like to spend it with the other Marauders.

After that, things went back to normal, sort of. Maybe better then normal, actually - now that Lily knew, their friendship grew even stronger. It was much easier to be close to someone when they knew such a deep thing about you, really. By the end of fifth year, he felt like he was almost as close to Lily as his other friends, or at least however close you could be to someone you hadn't spent the past five years practically living with. Still, at the end of the year, he found himself promising Lily she could come visit him, if his parents didn't mind.

"I'd invite you to mine, but my sister's a bit.. Much." Lily said, a bit sadly, after promising to watch out for an owl from him. "She doesn't mean it, I think, but last summer she was really awful when Mary came to visit. She thinks we're all weirdos. Or at least, she says she does."

Remus shrugged. "All the more reason for you to come to mine, then. Can't really be more of a weirdo then me, either." He felt bad - nothing Lily had said about her sister had seemed good, even when she was trying to be nice about it. He wondered what it was like, having no idea about the wizarding world, and then learning your sister was a witch, and… Well, he couldn't really imagine it at all. Not that it was an excuse for all the ways Petunia Evans seemed to treat her sister.

"If she comes to yours, you should invite me too." James told him eagerly when Remus told the others about what she had said. It was almost the last day of school, and they were doing anything they could to avoid packing, particularly Peter, who was sure he hadn't done well on his exams, and was not eager to face his parents when the results came. The Pettigrews seemed to be quite keen on taking away his owl as a 'consequence' over the summer, and Peter hated nothing more then being out of touch with the other Marauders.

"No, I don't think I should." Remus replied, rolling his eyes. Since becoming friends with Lily, he had learned that she didn't hate James quite as much as she let on. He had thought at first that he ought to tell his friend as much, and maybe he would stop looking like such a sad puppy every time she was around, but when he had a chance to do it, there had been an odd tugging feeling in his stomach, and he hadn't been able to go through with it. Lily wouldn't want James getting any ideas, he told himself , even if she didn't absolutely hate his guts. And maybe it would be best for James to just get over it, anyway.

As if James Potter had ever gotten over anything in his life. His obsession with Lily Evans surely wouldn't be the first, or at least, Remus was pretty sure it wouldn't be.

It wasn't that he didn't understand, at least to an extent, why James liked her. If he had been pressed to pick a girl in Gryffindor he would want to date, it would probably be Lily, though he'd never admit that, for fear of it being taken the wrong way. It wasn't that he actually wanted that, he was perfectly content being just her friend. But besides the Marauders she was his best friend, and wasn't that what a relationship was supposed to be? A best friend that you also wanted to kiss.

Remus had realized that for this exact reason, he would probably never have any sort of relationship. He couldn't very well kiss any of his friends, for reasons that felt quite obvious. Still, he was also beginning to realize that the insanity of fifth year had only saved him from questions about dating for so long. Sirius and Peter had both started showing an interest in girls - not as much as James with Lily, but enough for Remus to notice.

He wondered if he would have to try and find a girlfriend, just to keep up with them. That felt like it would be a bit too mean, though. It wouldn't be fair, to pretend to like a girl just so that he seemed more like his friends. Luckily, he had all summer to think about this. Maybe he could make up a girlfriend, a muggle girl or something? Though that probably wouldn't make sense to James and Sirius and Peter. Remus didn't have friends at home, they knew that. Maybe if he could get James to tell the others? No, that wouldn't work either - it would look odd, to be lying about something like that.

Maybe he'd ask Lily. She would know more about girls then he did, for obvious reasons.

His parents were happy to have Lily visit, just as they were the few times his other friends had come to visit. His mother seemed especially excited that he had a friend who was a girl, and Remus really hoped that she wasn't getting any sort of strange ideas about his friendship with Lily being any more then just that.

He was glad he hadn't told his parents that he used his mother being sick as an excuse for the moons, because that meant that she didn't feel the need to pretend. He absolutely would not be telling them that Lily knew - they had already been so worried, knowing that the Marauders knew, even as Remus insisted over and over again that it was fine, and that they didn't seem to be bothered by it at all.

"Your family is really nice." Lily told Remus the second day of her visit, as they sat in Mrs. Lupin's garden each reading their own respective books. "And it's much calmer here then at mine."

Remus didn't know if he should tell her that things had only been calm since he had left for school. This was the longest that his parents had stayed in one place, moving here after his first year in hopes for a fresh start. At their old house, before, people had already started to talk, and Hope and Lyall Lupin didn't think it would be safe to stay, even with Remus going off to school. They had struck gold with their new house, though, which was far away from other neighbors, and had a beautiful back garden, with two big apple trees. His mother loved that garden, and sometimes it made him sad to think how much she had given up in all those years he had been at home.

"This is my favorite place we've lived." He replied, watching the sun play off Lily's hair, and the way it fell in her face as she leaned over her book. He ought to like her the same way James did, he thought - it would be perfectly reasonable. She was very pretty. But as much as he enjoyed her company, and could observe that she was a beautiful girl, it didn't feel like this was what a crush felt like. Not that he had any frame of reference, of course, but still. "I don't… Really remember, before, I was really little. And then everything was so chaotic until I went to school. And I'm just glad that they… Well, I suppose I'm glad that I'm gone most of the year, so they don't have to worry so much. Especially my mum."

Lily shut her book, pulling her knees up to her chest and resting her head on them. "I don't think there's anything wrong with them worrying about you. I would worry too, I think, if I had a child who…" She trailed off, and then shook her head. "I'm sure they'd rather have you here even with a bit of worry then not have you at all."

He didn't like to think about what would have happened, if he hadn't… Without him, what would his parents life have been like? Maybe they could have had another child, if they hadn't had to worry so much about his wellbeing, his safety… Or really, he was sure that the worry would have been that he might hurt his sibling, if he had one. He knew that neither of his parents wanted to admit it, but all of the precaution they had taken in his childhood had been more for the safety of others then his own. One day, he thought, maybe he would ask them. Or maybe he wouldn't, because he wasn't sure he could bear to see what his mother's face would look like in that moment.

"Sometimes I wish that he had killed me." Remus said, quietly. He had never admitted this to anyone, and he had never thought that he would, especially to Lily Evans, of all people. But still, it did feel good to get it off his chest. "I don't mean… I don't want to die now, you know. I just think things might have gone better if I had, then. They could have started over, y'know. With a kid who wasn't so totally and royally fucked up." When he looked back up from his hands, meeting Lily's eyes, he had never seen her look so.. Sad? Serious? It was like there were a million emotions running through her mind, and Remus couldn't parse them all from just a look.

"I'm glad he didn't." She said, when she finally spoke again. She was biting her lip - she bit her lip so much, Remus had observed, that he was surprised there wasn't a permanent bruise there. "Because then I wouldn't have such a wonderful friend. And neither would James, or Sirius, or Peter, and I cannot imagine going to school with the three of them without you to balance things out." She only ever called the Marauders by their first names when she was around Remus, and he was glad that it was summer so he didn't feel like he was constantly balancing which friend he'd be lying to, James or Lily. He hated lying, of course, but he hated disappointing his friends even more.

"I guess so." Remus replied, because he knew that she would simply keep telling him he should treat himself better until he agreed with her. It wasn't like she was necessarily wrong, though. He supposed she had been a bit of a good influence over these last few months. "Do you ever wish that you could change one thing about your life, that just one thing would make everything better?"

There was a pause, before she nodded. "I guess I wish my sister could have come to school with me. I just think… I think if she was like us, she would understand more." Remus nodded. Privately, though, he was glad that Petunia Evans was not a witch. Even if Lily thought it would make her happier, he wasn't sure he believed that. He couldn't help but wonder if she thought the same thing, about him, if there was anything good about his condition that he didn't see.

No. He didn't think there was. He would give anything to be normal, and he was sure that anyone would agree, if they were in his shoes.

"Come on." He said, shutting his book, and standing. "I'm starving, and I think my mum is making sandwiches. "

The rest of the summer was a blur, but it was a happy one, besides the moons, which he always hated at home. After Lily left, he and Peter spent a few days at the Potter's - Peter hadn't done as poorly on his exams as he had worried he might, although he'd done the worst of the four of them. Remus supposed that wasn't saying much, because James and Sirius were probably the smartest people in their year, aside from Lily.

James pried him a fair bit about Lily's visit, but he gave up fairly quickly, which Remus was glad for. He didn't like the idea that he'd have to defend his friendship with Lily to James, when he knew it was so obviously nothing like what James wanted at all.

His parents let him go back to the Potter's right before the start of the school year, and Remus had never been so pleased. Usually, with the way the moons lined up, he could only see his friends once per summer, and his mother always seemed so worried when he came home. He loved her, but he hated the way she treated him like he was always sick, when really, it was only bad after the moon. But this year was different, and he wasn't sure why. Maybe because he was nearly an adult - at least by wizard standards - and she wanted him to be more independent.

Regardless, later, he would want to thank her a million times over, and at the same time wish he had never gone.

How it happened was like this.

Peter was recovering from being sick, as his family had gone on a vacation and all picked up a bug, which he had been telling them all in owls he was sure would be better by the time school rolled around. Sirius was there, of course, now that he had moved in with the Potters the summer before. But still, he seemed a bit distant, so James and Remus ended up spending much of his visit together. Remus was happy to do whatever James wanted, really, except when it involved getting on a broom, which his friend seemed fully insistent on. He hated being up in the air like that, he had barely passed flying classes his first year, but for James, he did his best. Which was not really much, but he supposed it counted for something, with Sirius off wherever he was.

The morning of the last day he spent with the Potters, James woke Remus up earlier then he felt like he had ever been awake, and dragged him out to the fields with two brooms. In most cases, Remus could get out of flying because he had no broom, but there were always extras at James', much to his dismay.

By the time they had gotten to the field where they usually flew, he was already tired. James was not, but that was the usual when it came to his friend. When there was flying to be had, he could always pull out an untapped supply of energy from somewhere.

"I could just watch." Remus said, sitting down heavily on the ground, dropping the broomstick next to him. The grass was soft and green, despite the summer heat, and it was a relief to sit on.

"Come on, Moony, it's not as fun with just me. And Sirius wouldn't get out of bed. He said something about his beauty sleep." James pleaded. Remus wished he had said something about his beauty sleep, but that wasn't really an option for him - no amount of sleep would make him look like Sirius Black, that was for sure. "Please? I'll do anything. Anything!" He added, when Remus didn't seem convinced.

That, he thought, was an offer you wouldn't usually get from James Potter. So he sighed, standing, and picking up the broom. "Okay, you have to pick up my corpse from the ground when I fall off, and carry me back to the house. Deal?"

James shrugged. "Okay, well, that's not going to happen, so think of something else." He said, before kicking off on his broom, and whirling around Remus in the sky.

He sighed and did his best to follow his friend's lead. This, he thought, was perhaps one of his worst ever ideas.

About an hour later, although to Remus it felt like it had been much longer, they touched down on the ground. Well, James touched down, and Remus sort of crashed. More gracefully then he had last time, he thought to himself.

"You still want me to carry you back?" James said, grinning at Remus.

Sirius was perhaps the most beautiful of his three friends, there was no arguing that. But James was the most handsome. Almost classically so, like the old muggle actors his mother liked. Even now, with the sun hanging high above their head as James wiped sweat from his forehead.

Remus could see what all the girls at school saw in him. But it wasn't like he was attracted to James - it was the same as with Lily, he could appreciate someone with an aesthetically pleasing appearance. He was sure that everyone else thought the same sort of thing. Because, really, who was going to deny that James Potter was one of the most good looking guys in the school?

"No, I'm alright." Remus said, realizing he had just spent a minute looking at James, quickly trying to gloss over the pause. "Let's go back, then, I bet Sirius is awake now." He added, turning back towards the house.

"C'mon, wait up, Moony." James had flopped back on the grass now, his glasses a bit askew, staring up at the sky. "I need a minute." Remus bit his lip, looking back towards the Potters' and then at James. It did not take long for him to make a choice, though, and he sat down on the ground next to James. The sun felt like it was beating down on him, but he wasn't sure if it felt hotter to him because of how much energy he had just expended on flying. James seemed to be enjoying it, closing his eyes and smiling up at the sky.

"I'll never understand why you enjoy unnecessary excercise so much."

James opened his eyes, turning to look at him. "It's totally necessary." He said, as sincere as ever. "Without Quidditch… What would I even have?"

Remus knew he was joking, but he couldn't help but feel a tiny bit offended. "Us, obviously. And your family. And probably Lily Evans, eventually."

James shook his head and sat up. "I don't mean like that. I just mean like.. I don't know what I'd do. I only ever wanted two things - to be a dad, and to be a professional quidditch player. So…"

"So what?"

"So it's my dream. Or one of them, at least." James sighed, laughing a little. "So it's not unnecessary. To me, at least." He nudged Remus with his shoulder. "But I know it's not really your thing."

"I dunno," Remus replied with a shrug. "Maybe this is the year I really get into quidditch. it, you never know."

James laughed, shaking his head. "No, it's not. And yeah, I do know. 'Cause I know you, Moony." It was true - Remus doubted he would ever really be that interested in any sport, no matter how much he wished he could, just for James. "It's okay, though. I'm just glad you come to my games anyway."

Remus bit his lip, finding that he was avoiding James' gaze. He did go to all of James' games, at least all that he could. Sometimes, regretfully, he had to miss them due to day the moon fell and he always hated that the most. Even worse was when he couldn't make the game, and Gryffindor lost. Those ones always felt, stupidly, like they were somehow his fault. "Yeah, of course. That's what friends are for, right?"

"Right. Friends." James said, absentmindedly picking at some of the nearby grass. Remus wasn't sure what that was supposed to mean - they were friends, right? They'd been friends. "So, how was your visit with Evans?"

"I told you all about it, last time." Remus replied. He didn't want to talk about Lily more, not with James. Or at all, really. He hated the feeling he got, the feeling like he had to have some excuse to be friends with a girl.

"Ok, sure. But like…" James trailed off. Remus wanted to get up and run back to the house, because he could absolutely tell where this was going. "Do you like her?"

Of course. "She's my friend, James. Of course I like her, don't you like your friends?"

A moment of silence."That's not what I meant."

"No, James, I don't have any romantic feelings for Lily Evans. You have nothing to worry about. I feel like I've made that pretty clear, haven't I?" He had never found himself being this annoyed with James before, and he didn't like the feeling. "She's all yours." He hated saying that, too, because Lily was her own person, and it should be on her to decide. But that was what James wanted to hear, wasn't it?

"She's not." He said, matter of factly. "I mean… I don't know." He turned to look at Remus, holding his gaze. "If you don't like Lily, what girl do you like? You've never mentioned any."

"I - Why do I have to pick like that? I just don't…" It was a conversation Remus found he had not been expecting at all. He wasn't ready. He knew it would come, eventually, but he hadn't planned at all what he would say. "I don't really like any of the girls at school, I think." You should have lied, Remus, he thought to himself. Just think of a random girl, and say her name.

But James would know if he lied, because of course he would. Because James was the smartest person Remus knew, and also if he put his mind to something, it would happen. If he thought Remus liked a girl, there was no doubt that he would be convincing that girl that his friend was the most good looking boy in the entire school. And that was the last thing Remus wanted.

He wasn't really sure what he actually wanted. Time, probably. With time, he was sure he could find a girlfriend. There was surely some girl, who was not Lily, who's company he could enjoy enough. Maybe nearly enough as his friends.

Maybe, he could find a girl who's company he would enjoy as much as James'.

Probably not, though.

James was looking at him with a strange expression on his face. "Moony," He said, softly. "Do you like any girls at all?"

That was a question he did not know how to answer. It was also one he had been trying to avoid thinking about, in general. Partly because he wasn't really sure, and partly because if the answer was no, it felt like the wrong one. "I…" Shit. He had spent too long thinking. "Yeah, of course, of course." Hopefully, even if James didn't believe him, he wouldn't say anything.

He didn't say anything, but what he did was worse. Or maybe better. Remus couldn't decide. Or think, even. At least, the only thing he could think about was how James leaned over, cupped his cheek, and pressed their lips together.

Remus would never be able to not think about that moment. He would never be able to not think about falling into the grass with James Potter's hands now tangled in his hair, kissing for what felt like forever.

He would not be able to forget when the two of them finally pulled apart. James had sat up, and adjusted his glasses, and wiped his mouth, and Remus thought his friend might be speechless for the first time in his life.

"We should go back." He said, standing hurriedly, and grabbing his broom.

He would have to decide, eventually, if he could ever speak to James about this again, but the answer, of course, was probably no. It was probably just practice, he thought. So he wouldn't have to have his first kiss with some random girl. James, always kind, always thoughtful, always wanting to help.

No, he told himself. Unfortunately, he would never like a girl the way he liked James Potter.

By the time they were on the train for sixth year, they still had not spoken about it. Things were back to normal, he supposed, which was probably for the best. He couldn't very well go around kissing James in front of everyone, and anyway, he was sure that James wouldn't want to again, even in secret. Besides, James was too important, too good and special, to be anyone's secret.

And even if he wasn't, he shouldn't be Remus' secret. Anyone but him. Even if James would be with a boy, it would be Sirius, not Remus.

He decided that he would no longer be trying to keep it a secret that Lily was interested in James. Why should he? He would be helping them, and in a way, he would be helping himself. In the meantime, he ought to find a real girl to be interested in.

The problem with that was that now that he had kissed James - realized how he felt about James, really - it was even harder to think of feeling things for a girl. Which was something else Remus didn't want to confront. It wasn't anything he could tell anyone, not even Lily, who he might have been able to tell if it didn't involve also telling about James. But still, that didn't feel entirely safe.

Sirius and Peter were becoming more interested in dating as sixth year went on as well (James, of course, was still stuck on Lily). With Sirius, it was easier, while Peter seemed to pine more. Still, Remus found he had less and less interest in spending time with his friends, at least when that was the topic on the table, which he also hated, because he really had no one else. Except Lily, and though she had made no indication of it, he was always worried she was irritated with him.

"When is Moony going to get a girlfriend?" Sirius asked one day, while they were all sitting in the common room. Remus was reading a book, Peter was frantically revising an essay, with James' help, and Sirius was lying on the rug, because he had finished his homework before all of them. Remus didn't hate Sirius, he never would, but sometimes he hated how easy things seemed to come to him. He seemed to be able to do anything he wanted, and be a natural talent, while Remus was working as hard as he could to be good enough.

He was about to open his mouth to respond, but James beat him to the punch.

"Oh, leave him alone. Maybe he's trying to keep up his grades, unlike you degenerates." This was such an obviously stupid answer, considering Sirius' academic standing, but it seemed to work, and he did not say anything else on the subject.

"Hey!" Peter said, looking up from his paper, with ink on his face somehow. "I'm really trying!"

"And you're doing great, Pete." Remus said, finally, though he was still not looking up from his book. "And maybe I have one, and you just don't know." He knew that saying that was probably just inviting more questions, but he didn't care. He didn't want James to just feel he had to defend him, while he sat by quietly.

"No, you do not." Sirius said, rolling his eyes. He was just joking around, and Remus knew he shouldn't feel so defensively. "You're an open book."

If only you knew, Remus thought. But maybe Sirius did know, and that was why he was asking, poking at this. Or maybe he was just being paranoid, Remus thought to himself. This was probably the case… But what if James had told Sirius? If he had, though… Well, Remus wasn't sure. He hadn't told anyone, so it would be hard to imagine how someone might react. Especially them - James and Sirius had a different kind of relationship then any of the rest of them did, it was something Remus thought he probably would never understand. He'd never had just one best friend, it had always been the three of them.

He didn't know what to say to this, though, didn't know what he could say, so instead he just shut his book and stood. "I'm going to return this to the library, I'll see you guys at dinner."

As he left, he thought for a moment about stopping to see if they would say anything to him, or if James would at the very least. But he didn't let himself, and once the portrait hole shut beside him, he broke out into a run.

The run did not last long, of course, because Remus was historically horribly unathletic. He didn't even really make it far, and found himself alone in a corridor, doubled over and coughing. Why had he decided to run? What had he been thinking?

"Remus? Are you alright?" He stood to find Lily Evans, looking quite concerned as she came down the corridor. "Do you need me to walk you to the hospital wing?"

He shook his head, taking deep breaths. "No, I was just on my way to the library…" That didn't really explain why he was completely out of breath in the middle of the hall, but Lily was typically pretty understanding.

"Okay, then I'll come with. I've got to pick up some extra reading anyway." She said, falling into step beside him as they walked together. "I feel like you've been avoiding me." She said, matter of factly, as they got closer to the library.

"What? No! I just…" He trailed off. What was he supposed to say? He felt like he'd been avoiding everyone as much as he could without them noticing after the events of the summer. But he clearly had not been as subtle as he'd thought he was, to Lily at least. "Things are just weird this year." He said, because that seemed like an apt way to describe it, without spilling his entire guts to her.

"Weird how?" She asked, tilting her head to the side. After she had visited him over the summer, she had clearly gotten a hair cut, and it suited her very well. He wished, just for a moment, that James had not already chosen to like Lily, because he thought he might be able to feel the same way about her that he did about James, just maybe. Or at least sort of the same way. Close enough.

He shrugged in response to her question, because he wasn't sure how to answer. "Dunno, just… Weird." As they reached the library finally, he slowed his pace. "Do you ever think about like.. Your future? What you'll do after school? I mean, we're practically done, with N.E.W.Ts next year and all."

"I don't really know." She said, leaning against the wall. "I'll have some sort of wizarding job, I assume. Don't really want a muggle one.. Could you imagine me, as a secretary, or something?" She added with a laugh. Remus could not imagine that, at all. "I don't know what, though. What about you?"

He sighed. It was such an easy question for all his classmates, and such a difficult one for him. What would he do, with his condition? There was no doubt that someone in the world would figure it out, eventually. And then what?

He didn't want to think about it. "I don't know. It's complicated. With.. Well, you know." She nodded understandingly, reaching out a hand to hold his, and gave it a squeeze.

"There's plenty of time, you know. Even if it seems soon. And I'm sure McGonagall and Dumbledore can help you. You're so smart, you could probably get any job you wanted with the right recommendations!"

She really didn't understand, he thought. "Yeah, I guess. Lucky Sirius and James won't have to worry about any of that - Even Sirius has an inheritance. Y'know, despite all the family stuff."

Lily scoffed. "Do you really want to be some spoiled rich boy?"

Yes, Remus thought. I'd love that. A spoiled rich boy could probably be a werewolf and still have a million opportunities on a silver platter. "They aren't spoiled." He said instead.

"Oh, yes they are." Lily said, shaking her head. "I know they're your friends, and I'm not saying… They're all bad. But they're spoiled. Especially Potter." She saw the look on his face and held out a finger. "He is, he absolutely is, don't try to argue. He's… Not horrible, but he's the definition of the word and you know it."

He sighed. He supposed it was sort of true. Maybe. But he didn't want to admit it to Lily. That would feel like a betrayal, of James specifically. "You should give him a chance, Lily. Like you said, even you don't think he's horrible anymore." He didn't want Lily to give James a chance. But this was for the greater good, right?

Lily did not seem to appreciate his comments, though. "Ugh, let's just stop talking about Potter, okay?" She said as she rolled her eyes, and turned to head into the library.

Remus thought about mentioning that she seemed to be protesting too much, but instead, he followed after her, keeping his mouth shut.

He hadn't been wrong. By the time February rolled around, James had what he had wanted for probably six years - a Valentines day date with Lily Evans.

Sirius had a date too, but that was inconsequential. Sirius had been dating lots of girls, flitting around like, as James had so aptly put it, "some kind of tart". Peter was still pining after over a Ravenclaw girl who's name Remus should have remembered, but he didn't. They had all told Peter to just ask her out, but he was too nervous. Once, he had almost done it, and instead he'd ended up nearly throwing up. Sirius said he was hopeless. James said he just had to try harder. Remus thought it was perfectly understandable, because when he had found out about James and Lily, he had wanted to throw up too, but he couldn't very well tell anyone that.

It seemed, he had realized at some point (though it felt like he should have realized much sooner) that what had happened over the summer was simply a fluke, and it would never be brought up by him or James again. He wasn't sure if he had expected more, and if he had, he thought he really shouldn't have.

To make matters worse, Valentines day was the day after the full moon. On any other occasion, Remus probably would have appreciated this - it would have given him a perfect excuse not to try to find some girl, just so he could fit in with his friends. Instead, he had a horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach that at least James might miss the full moon in favor of getting beauty sleep for his date.

He wouldn't hold it against his friend if that was the case, he had realized. It was not any of their fault that he simply was not normal, and they shouldn't be required to give up important milestones in their life just because of his condition. Or not even necessarily give up, but put in jeopardy. It would be a ridiculous thing to expect.

Even if Lily knew about his condition, she didn't know about the others being animagi. Sirius had already lectured James in front of all of them about how he could not tell, under any circumstances (which had been odd, because usually James was the one to lecture the rest of them, Sirius in particular). Remus thought he wouldn't even really mind if Lily did know, but he didn't say that. He felt like he had been continuing to pull away, and he was terrified that one of his friends would notice.

"I understand if you won't come tonight." He told James, the morning of the full moon. They hadn't really talked about it, and Remus felt sick even bringing it up, because he was terrified of what he knew the answer would be. Or at least what he thought he knew.

"What?" James replied, giving him an incredibly confused look. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Well, just because… Well, tomorrow, with Lily, and…" He trailed off, trying not to meet the other boys eyes.

James shook his head. "No. I'll be there. Of course I will! Don't be stupid, Moony. If any of us ever put a date before you… Well, feel free to punch us in the face. Even if it is with the most beautiful girl in the whole school." He grinned, shoving Remus' shoulder a bit. "Seriously. Don't worry about it."

Remus laughed and nodded, but inside he knew that he would absolutely be worrying about it anyway.

James kept good on his promise, and all four of the Marauders were there that night. That night, however, was not the problem. The next day was.

Remus thought he had probably never been sicker after a moon, at least not in a long time, and he was not sure why. Alone in the hospital wing, he couldn't stop thinking about Lily and James in Hogsmeade, and then he felt even worse for pitying himself. Why would he even have been an option? Why would perfect, perfect James Potter even have considered him? He was lucky that he'd even had that one kiss, that one day. He was lucky that James had even bothered with him as much as he had. What else did he expect? It was stupid. He was stupid.

By the evening, he still didn't feel well, despite everything that Madam Pomfrey had done. She had never kept him a second night, usually, by the afternoon at the latest, she was satisfied enough to let him go.

"Remus, dear," She said, looking worriedly at him as he curled up on the bed, knees tucked up to his chest. "Are you sure nothing else is going on, besides the moon?"

"No. Yes. I don't know." He said into his pillow, in a small, weak voice. He felt pathetic. His friends had not come to see him, still, and he wasn't angry at them, really, he wasn't. But something about it… Just made him feel like he'd been kicked in the chest.

"Would you like to talk about it?" The nurse was saying, as she pulled a chair up next to his bed. Remus tried to answer, but instead he threw up all over the hospital bed. She tutted, cleaning away the sick with a wave of her wand, and stroking his hair. "Or… We don't have to now. Let me just get you an anti nausea potion, and a sleeping draft, and I'm sure you'll feel all better in the morning, alright?"

Despite how awful he felt, Remus did his best to drag himself into a half sitting position. "No sleeping… The others will come, they're just.. They're late… I'll take the nausea potion, but no sleep, okay? Please…" He had never found himself in a position of begging, though he supposed Pomfrey wouldn't tell anyone, so what did it really matter?

"You can see your friends tomorrow, Remus, I really think it is in your best interest to get more rest."

He shook his head. In his heart, he knew she was right - he felt like he'd fallen off a broom and been trampled by a hippogriff. But he couldn't just give up on them. They always came to visit. Always. And why wouldn't they now? Why wouldn't they at least stop by?

Why wasn't even James here?

"Please.." He said, one last time.

But when she handed it to him, he took it anyway.

Remus didn't usually dream, with the potions that Pomfrey gave him - it was as though there was some kind of magical block that stopped them from reaching his mind, but he wasn't sure if that was actually true. Especially because, this time, for the first time, he did.

They were horrible. More then horrible. In his mind he was ripping off his skin and underneath was the wolf. The wolf was who he really was, and Remus the boy had just been a cover up for it all along. His friends watched, horrified, and he wanted to beg the other Marauders to transform, to transform and run, because he was their friend but the wolf was not. But he couldn't speak, and when he finally did open his mouth, all that came out was a horrible howl.

He tried not to think about what happened next.

When he woke, it was clearly past the morning. The sun streaming in through the windows was more like afternoon light, so he had definitely missed breakfast, and probably more classes too. That didn't matter, he thought to himself bitterly. Did anything really matter, without his friends?

Except when he turned, expecting to see Madam Pomfrey puttering about, what he saw instead was the very worried face of James Potter.

There were a million things he wanted to say in that moment, but all that came out when he opened his mouth was, "Oh."

"I can explain, really, I swear, I…" James said, and Remus was not sure he had ever heard his friend at such a loss for words. "I wanted to come yesterday, but there were so many.. Well… I.."

"It's okay." Remus said, even though it was a lie. He felt less horrible then yesterday - more just the same amount of horrible as he usually did, so clearly Pomfrey's potions had done their job. "How was your date?"

"Well, that's the thing -" James started, and Remus shook his head.

"No, I know, and it's okay." He said, trying to stay as calm and measured as possible. "You were busy with Lily, that's why you didn't come yesterday."

It was James' turn to shake his head now, though. "No, Moony, you've got it all wrong, it…" He sighed, looking around before turning back to him. "It.. I mean, it feels so stupid to say, but after all this time, it just didn't… Work."

"Wait, what?"

"I don't think I even really liked her anymore… I mean, she's great, she's amazing, but not… Like that. I just… Maybe I thought I was supposed to. Because it's what I wanted for so long, surely…" He sighed, frowning.

"No, James, you do! You always have."

James shook his head again. When he finally spoke, his voice was very small. "No, Remus. I think maybe I like you."

If Remus had not already been sitting down, he might have fainted - no, he definitely would have fainted.

After James left, Madam Pomfrey let Remus leave as well. He could not help but find it incredibly irritating that she had made James leave first, but she insisted she had some last checkups to do. Sometimes, he thought, that the school nurse actually fussed over him more then his mother had when he'd lived at home. Maybe. Hope Lupin was a professional at fussing over her son.

When he went back to the dorm, James wasn't there, but Sirius was. "Prongs told me to give you the map?" He said, sitting up from the couch he had been flopped over. "He said you were fine, but.. Moony, I'm really sorry we didn't come yesterday. It was stupid."

Remus shook his head. "No, really - I told James it was fine, and… It's really fine." In a different world, he might have actually had the nerve to tell Sirius, or any of his friends, how he really felt. But it didn't really matter now. None of it mattered. "You have the map?"

"Yeah…" Sirius said, handing it over to him. "Are you really okay? You seemed… Well…"

"I'm great." Remus said assuredly. "Pomfrey fixed me up great, she just worries, you know?" It was a lie, of course, but he was used to lying about his health. "Look, I gotta go." He had never hurried out of the dorm faster, the map tucked under his arm. He would have explained, but he didn't know what James had told Sirius. And what had James told Lily? What had he told any of them?

He found James by the lake. It was the same spot they had been last year, when Remus had decided to start speaking to him again. As he approached, James stopped throwing rocks and looked up. "Hey." He said, and Remus thought he would melt. He was waiting, he realized, to wake up from all this, to realize it was all just a dream.

"Hey." He said, plopping down beside James. "Sirius gave me this." He added, holding out the map. "Did you tell him, or…"

James shook his head. "No. Not about…" He trailed off, like he didn't know how he wanted to word it. "Not about us. Or whatever."

Us. Once again, this couldn't be real. "What did you tell Lily?" Somehow, he felt he would mind less if James had told Lily then Sirius or Peter.

"Nothing, really. Just that I didn't think it would work. I don't know if she… Well, I don't know if she thought it would work either. It was really awkward, at first, but after that we had a nice time." He looked up at Remus. "I wouldn't have told anyone. Not unless you wanted to."

"Thanks." He replied - he had never felt so unsure of what to say to James before. Usually, with him, things came naturally. Now, he felt an intense pressure to say exactly the right thing. "I like you too." He added, dumbly.

James smiled. Remus thought there was probably nothing he liked to look at more then James Potter when he was smiling and that really he would like to just freeze this exact moment in time. "Cool."

He decided that in this moment, he would not think about what it meant, or what they would have to tell their friends, or what people might think. "I thought… I don't know what I thought. That you liked Lily still, and I was just to distract, or something, I don't know."

James shrugged. "I mean, I did like her, or I thought I did, I mean. I had just built it up so long, this idea and I was so sure it was what I wanted, you know? Like I thought, you pick a path and stay on it. But it didn't turn out to be the right one, I guess."

Remus nodded, holding out his hand for James. They sat like that together, for awhile, just holding hands, quietly.

After a bit, Remus looked at him, biting his lip. "They'll probably come looking soon."

James shook his head, nodding at the map next to them. "No, they won't." Remus supposed he was right - that had been very smart of James.

"What next?" He asked, watching as it got darker and darker out, the sun sinking lower over the lake. Because yes, he hated to think of it, because he could only imagine that bad things might happen to them. But he had to ask, he had to know.

"Dunno. Whatever you want, I think."

"I think.." Remus said, trying to decide what exactly it was he wanted. He had never felt like things were his choice to make, not in that way. It was always James and Sirius, and then he and Peter too, really, were simply dragged along for the ride. But what did he want? What did Remus Lupin want, if he could have anything. "I think I want you to kiss me."

And so he did.