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This doesn’t feel right, not at all. It’s been months since Gyuvin last heard from Ricky. Yet here he is, as if nothing happened. As if the weeks Gyuvin spent crying in Hanbin's arms, the months of silence, of Gyuvin tearing his hair out in frustration of not knowing what went wrong, never happened.
It feels almost disrespectful. What gives Ricky the right to barge right back into his life? What gives him the right to show up at his door with his beautiful eyes, godly body, and empty promises. “I’ve been busy, you know how life gets.” as if going months without any contact is completely normal.
Pushing his way inside with his hands on Gyuvins chest, the same teasing glint in his eyes he had back then, back when this would be normal. Tracing his eyes up and down Gyuvins body as if trying to detect any changes in his appearance over the last few months. The tender way he traces his hands down Gyuvin’s torso. How is this fair? Why can’t he just push Ricky's hands away like his brain is screaming at him to do?
It was one of the rare moments Ricky stayed the night after they hooked up, too tired to drive back home. Two tall men, cramped on Gyuvins 120 bed. Coming back from the bathroom after having thrown the towel in the washer to find Ricky lightly snoring on his pillow. Gyuvin couldn’t help but feel his heart squeeze tightly.
Carefully lowering himself down beside the sleeping boy he contemplated just sleeping on the couch in the living room, risking his roommate finding him there when he got back in the morning. Shuffling from his side snapped him out of his thoughts and his breath hitched when he felt a head settle on his bare chest. Glancing down at the boy now resting on him he looked to still be asleep, judging on his closed eyes and soft snores. Gyuvin wondered if he could still hear his racing heart in his dreams. Afraid to take a breath, of waking ricky up, of ricky moving away, he laid awake thinking about all that could be.
That was the last time he saw Ricky. In the morning the boy was gone, no note, no text, no calls. Until now that is.
“I missed you, Gyu.” It’s the same purring voice that made him weak in the knees. He had told himself that the voice, that he, wouldn’t have the same effect on him after all these months. Had promised Hanbin that he would be stronger. Yet here he is, falling for it all over again, letting himself be pushed back toward the couch. He would be lying if he said he hadn’t missed the boy too, he just didn’t know if the boy in question could say the same.
Kissing still feels as good as it did in his memories, unfairly so. Ricky’s hand feeling him up as if he did this just yesterday, while Gyuvin sat frozen still under him. Hands hovering in the air, not knowing if it was okay to touch him too.
As he placed his hands on Ricky's hips he couldn’t decide if he wanted to push him away, to demand an explanation for his sudden absence these past months, or pull him closer and enjoy it while it lasts. Deep inside he knew they wouldn’t be able to go back to being how they were before when he had agreed to Ricky's proposition. It was the small silver of hope, that maybe Ricky felt the same way as him, or could at least learn to, that made him say yes. Maybe if he proved he could be everything that Ricky needed then maybe he would realize he loved him too. Sitting here now he knew it wasn’t true.
The memories of what used to be made Gyuvin tighten his grip around Ricky's waist. The boy above him let out a moan as he started to grind down against him. While usually he would watch Ricky's face intently, to notice every miniscule change of expression and commit every breath into memory, he couldn’t help but look up at the ceiling this time. Trying to keep the tears threatening to spill at bay, while the other started sucking hickeys on his neck.
The funny thing is that before all this, before the hook ups and broken hearts, they were best friends. Having met through forced play dates their moms set up, they grew up together. Going to the same daycare and schools, they were attached at the hip. Where Ricky was Gyuvin was as well and vice versa.
Gyuvin thinks he’s always been a little bit in love with Ricky. The first thing he told his mom after their first playdate was how pretty the elder was. His ever persistent attempts to stay close to Ricky was probably the reason they became friends to begin with, taking every chance to hold his hand or drape himself over his back. An innocent puppy love, his mother had called it.
It wasn’t until Ricky had broken up with his first boyfriend in senior year of high school he came with the suggestion of exploring together. Getting experience for future relationships was his justification of the proposal, and Gyvin, being the still love-sick boy he was, had said sure. He had said sure, not knowing this was the beginning of the end of the friendship he treasured most.
Every habit of the other he couldn’t help but remember was still the same. The way the elder would kick the cover off while he slept stayed true, and Gyuvin’s habit of getting up to turn off the aircon did too. Standing over the sleeping figure of the elder he decided to sleep on the couch instead, not knowing if he could handle the warmth of being pressed up against him again.
While laying there, on the slightly prickly couch, he contemplated all the things Ricky said the last time they saw each other. How, in the heat of the moment, Gyuvin had let his feelings spill hot in Ricky's ear. How, while pleasure ran hot in his veins, Ricky had whispered the same. Echoes of “I love you” still lingered in his mind.
He knew that to be lies now, if the complete lack of communication after that night was anything to go by. Maybe he was delirious enough in the moment he didn’t realize what he said, or to whom he said it, but the look in his eyes just an hour ago told him that wasn’t the case. Staring into Ricky’s eyes he could see the same look he saw that night. Like the devil staring back at him, daring him to forget what it said.
Closing his eyes, knowing the grip he had on the elder was still too tight, he willed himself to sleep. Dreaming of a future where it could be them, knowing Ricky was already letting go, this was all causal after all.