Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

The First Summer

Chapter One

It had barely been fifteen minutes since they had taken their seats and Regulus had already decided that he hated this plane, which felt unreasonable considering it was doing exactly what it was meant to be doing, transporting them to their desired location. So far, the flight had been smooth and quiet, nothing to complain about but still Regulus was seething. Although, when really analysing the root of such vexation, he discovered that the problem was not actually turbulence or noise or the way the air tasted faintly recycled. The problem was that the stupid plane was taking him somewhere he did not want to go, to stay with people he neither knew nor liked. For eight goddamn weeks. He stared at the seatback in front of him as if it had personally betrayed him, grey eyes glaring hatefully at the on flight magazine.

“I don’t understand,” Regulus said, in French, voice pitched so only Sirius could hear. “Why it has to be eight weeks. Why it has to be all bloody summer. And why it has to be your moronic jocky friend’s lakehouse in the middle of nowhere!”

Sirius, sprawled beside him with careless grace. His brother had never sat correctly in his life and seemed content with looking like some bottom feeding insect all hunched and crumpled. Regulus sat tall and rigid beside him as his brother laughed and snorted into his coffee.

“Firstly, James is not a moron. Secondly, it’s not nowhere. It’s Muskoka.” Sirius grinned encouragingly.

“That means nothing to me,” Regulus replied. “Quite frankly, it sounds made up.”

“C’mon Reggie! It’s the lakes! Trees. Boats, hiking trails! Expensive cottages owned by people who pretend they don’t know how wealthy they are.”

Regulus closed his eyes briefly. “So, hell.”

Sirius tipped his head back against the seat, smiling. He was wearing sunglasses indoors, which Regulus found deeply irritating but also familiar enough not to comment on. “You don’t have to be so dramatic about it. You bought your kindle yes? Just sit and read a gazillion books for two months. That’s pretty much what you do at home anyway!”

“I am not being dramatic!” Regulus snapped. “I don’t like swimming. I don’t like bugs. I don’t like shouting. And I don’t like your teammates.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow, smirking. “You haven’t even met them.”

“I’ve met the type.”

Sirius shook his head, grin softening into observation. “You mean athletes.”

“I mean loud people who believe the world is delighted to receive them.” Regulus slapped his kindle shut and folded his arms, looking out of the tiny oval window and tapping his foot in irritation.

“Well,” Sirius said, unbothered. “Good luck. Because James is a social prick. There will be no hiding in your room to sulk.”

Regulus rolled his eyes. “I already hate him.”

“You haven’t met him. Don’t be so judgemental.”

“I’ve met you,” Regulus said coolly. “And you like him. Which tells me everything I need to know.”

“Ha. Ha.” He said sarcastically and elbowed Regulus sharply. “You’re going to be fine. You’ve met Remus. I think you’ll get on with Lily. And, James…James is… fine.”

“That is not reassuring.”

“He’s kind.”

“That’s worse.”

Sirius studied him for a moment, expression shifting. “You’d rather have gone to France.” It was not a question.

Regulus’ jaw tightened. Outside the window, Montreal was already shrinking, a grid of certainty dissolving into cloud. “No,” he said.

Sirius waited.

Regulus said nothing.

The silence stretched, heavy with things neither of them named. France meant vacationing with their parents. It meant dinners that lasted hours and judgments that lasted centuries. It meant French spoken like a blade, polished and unforgiving. It meant being watched for flaws and praised only when flawless. A rare instance indeed. Regulus and Sirius had grown up within a wealthy French Canadian family in a large house in Westmount, Montreal. Their father, an investment banking executive, spent much of their childhood travelling all over the world for work. Yet, even when home, the man had never exuded love and affection. Orion was a cold hard line of self-discipline and expectations. Their mother, a socialite of the highest, narrowest circles, was even more cut throat than her husband. Walburga Black did not raise her voice. She did not need to. Her French was immaculate, her diction precise, every syllable placed with care. Words, in her hands, were instruments. Spending most of her life in the Montreal spotlight, she hosted fundraisers and academic dinners, curated guest lists with surgical attention, and spoke often of reputation and promise and potential, as if these were virtues rather than demands.

Her cruelty was never loud enough to be questioned. It arrived dressed as concern, as correction, as expectation delivered with a thin, approving smile. Regulus was her project, shaped and polished and measured relentlessly against an ever shifting standard of excellence. Praise, when it came, was conditional and rare, offered like proof that perfection might one day be attainable. Sirius, by contrast, had been written off early. Too loud. Too defiant. Too careless with the image she had so carefully constructed. Her disappointment in him was not explosive but absolute, a quiet verdict that settled into the bones and never lifted. Between them, the boys learned the same lesson in different ways. That love was conditional. It was something to be earned, withheld, or lost entirely. Silence became safer than honesty. Excellence became a shield, and family, despite the grandeur of the house and the polish of the dinners, was something navigated carefully.

So no, Regulus did not wish to go to France.

But that meant, going to Ontario. And Ontario meant trees and noise and James Bloody Potter and a house made of glass. Neither option felt like refuge.

Sirius exhaled then knocked his knee against Regulus’. “Hey,” he said. “You’ll enjoy it once you’re there. Trust me.”

Regulus huffed and turned back to the window.

The rest of the flight passed in fragments. Sirius dozed. Regulus read three chapters of his book and retained none of it. The plane descended through cloud into aggressive brightness, and Ontario laid itself bare below them. Regulus glanced out the window and examined it critically. The airport appeared first, the runway shimmering in the summer haze, planes gliding in obedient arcs. Beyond it, the city softened, towers giving way to neighbourhoods, concrete loosening into green. Ontario stretched outward in quiet defiance, vast and wooded. It felt threatening, like a place with room to notice you. Regulus exhaled slowly, as the ground rose to meet them, and wondered what exactly, this landscape expected from him.

Toronto Pearson was loud. He winced as the speaker squeaked, sharing announcements spoken too cheerfully. Regulus followed Sirius through it with resigned efficiency. They moved through control, into the main hall. Bags arrived. Phones were checked. Sirius typed quickly, thumbs flying. Regulus watched people move around them, patiently waiting for his older brother to make the next plan. He waited again, whilst Sirius went into a shop to buy cigarettes and lighters. He wouldn’t dare have them at home. Not after what happened last time. Regulus watched people move in that chaotic airport panic, grabbing children and snapping at their other halves. Then Sirius returned, pocketing the contraband.

“James is already here,” Sirius said. “Says he’s parked in the short stay.”

Regulus did not bother answering him, he just picked up his backpack, and wheeled his suitcase behind him as he followed his brother through the crowds. They stepped outside into heat. Oppressive already. Fucking brilliant. The car park smelled like asphalt and sun and something faintly vegetal. Sirius scanned the rows, and when his eyes settled somewhere off to the left, he began grinning idiotically. Regulus followed his gaze and felt, unhelpfully, his stomach drop. The truck was old. Not vintage in a curated way, just used. Battered. The paint had faded to a dull, honest blue. Leaning against it was a man who looked infuriatingly at ease in the heat, curls pushed back from his forehead, sleeves rolled up over tanned, athlete-muscled arms, sunglasses hooked into the collar of his shirt. God he was attractive. Even worse, he was smiling like the bloody sun. Regulus immediately hated him. Kill on sight kind of hate.

“That,” Regulus said with a grumble, “is exactly what I meant.”

Sirius was already dragging his suitcase forward. “Don’t be rude.” He shot back over his shoulder.

“I haven’t said anything!” Regulus protested.

“You’re thinking very loudly.” Sirius hissed.

James looked up as they approached, smile widening. He straightened, pushing off the truck. Sirius greeted him with easy familiarity, “Prongs,” Sirius shouted, arms opening.

“Pads,” James replied, laughing as they collided.

Regulus stopped a few paces back, suitcase handle tight in his grip. James stepped back, gaze landing on him with open curiosity. Not appraisal. Not dismissal. Just interest.

“And this,” Sirius said, bright with it, “is my little brother. Reggie.”

Regulus inclined his head a fraction. “Its Regulus.”

James’ smile softened. “Regulus. Got it,” he said, like it mattered. “I’m James.”

There was a moment. Brief. Something like static.

“I know,” Regulus said, cool and clipped. “You play the arrogant game that is football just like my idiot brother.”

James blinked, then laughed. “Guilty.”

Sirius laughed. “Delightful, isn’t he?”

“It’s fine,” James said easily. “I’ve been called worse.”

Regulus doubted that. They loaded the bags. Sirius claimed the front seat. Regulus took the back, deliberately. As the truck pulled out of the car park and onto the highway, Regulus folded his arms and stared out at a city he would leave behind within the hour. Apparently, they were going to pick up Remus and Lily next then it was two and a half hours to the lakehouse. He gaped upon discovering that information. Two and a half hours?! Was this a fucking joke? Eight weeks, he reminded himself. He would endure. He always did.

            Remus and Lily squished on the back seat beside Regulus, their suitcases also chucked into the flat bed of the truck to slide around with the rest. The four college friends fell into easy conversation. They all attended University of Toronto, it was how the four of them had met, Sirius had told him on the plane. Remus studied English Lit and History, Lily, Biochemistry, Sirius, French and business and James, according to Sirius, was studying international relations. What a bloody cop out. Let’s be honest, the guy was there for the football and the football alone. Their conversation intensified to sports and varsity and Regulus lost the tiniest shred of interest he had been faking. He huffed and shifted. Then, he put his air pods in and sidled up as close as possible to the door, his head leaning on the window as Ontario whizzed past him.

******

The truck crunched to a stop on a gravel driveway in front of a double garage, stones scattering under the tires as James killed the engine. Trees crowded in close on all sides, tall and dense enough to make the house feel tucked away rather than hidden. The house surrounded them on three sides, stretching wide in front of them, with two short sides to the left and right. The right side, was the double garage.

“Leave the bags,” James said easily, already hopping out. “We’ll grab them later.”

He led them toward the front door without ceremony and pushed it open. Regulus noticed that it was unlocked, the casual trust of such a secluded area. No codes. No keys. No fences. Despite reassuring himself of their isolation and consequential safety, that particular fact still made him feel incredibly unsafe. It was then he realised he was still stood in the driveway. Walking up the short set of concrete steps, he passed over the threshold of the lakehouse onto polished wooden floors and embraced the smell of cedar.

Inside, voices carried from deeper in the house, warm and unguarded. James’ mother, Effie appeared first, bright eyed and smiling, followed by his father, Monty, solid and gentle with a thick Canadian accent. Sirius greeted them with familiarity, hugged and laughed and kissed Effie’s cheek, while James made introductions in a rush, ushering Remus, Lily, and Regulus forward one by one. Effie took each of them in with open curiosity, hands warm, questions kind, and Monty’s welcome was quieter but no less sincere. Regulus offered polite responses, posture perfect, while something in his chest tightened. He tried his best to avoid social situations, particularly with people he did not know, and yet here he was. Eight weeks with strangers. Eight weeks of putting on a show.

James launched into a tour before anyone could linger, moving through the house with practiced affection. Regulus followed, cataloguing space and sound and light, until they reached the back of the house and the breath left him despite his best efforts. Glass stretched floor to ceiling, wall to wall, the lake unfurling beyond it in a sweep of blue and green, mountains rising in the distance like something borrowed from a postcard. The water caught the late afternoon sun and threw it back into the room, and for a moment Regulus forgot to be careful. He recovered quickly, schooling his expression, but the damage was done. James’ eyes left Regulus’ face quickly, as soon as they were noticed. Regulus tightened his arms around his middle and looked down at the floor. This place was exceptional.

Upstairs came next, hallways opening onto quiet rooms, doors swung wide as James assigned bedrooms with the offhand authority of someone who had never needed to ask permission. Regulus noted his without comment, committing the route to memory. Before the house could fully settle around him, Monty’s voice carried up from below, calling them down for dinner. The smell of smoke and grilled food followed, drifting through open doors to the deck where a barbecue waited, the lake just beyond, lapping peacefully, shimmering brightly as the sun sunk lower and lower, towards the sharp peaks of the mountains.

Monty was stood before the BBQ, a pink apron tied around his waist, James beside him, carrying plates of meat to a long benched table where everyone sat eagerly. Sirius helped Effie bring salads and sauces out from the kitchen, through the huge bi-fold doors, and Lily followed with jugs of water. Regulus sat tentatively towards the end of the bench, swallowing anxiously as he observed the easy happiness of the rest of the group.

Monty clapped his hands together, nudging the plates closer as he took his seat at the head of the table. “Dig in! Don’t wait for me to carve the chicken like some kind of inept chef.”

Sirius and Effie laughed, helping themselves to salad, while James handed out the plates of meat. Regulus picked up a fork, glancing down at the array of food. He nodded politely at Effie.

“It all looks excellent. Thank you again for having us.”

“You’re very welcome, dear,” Effie said brightly. “We didn’t want to have any disasters on your first night.”

Monty smirked. “I’d only call it a disaster if you ended up starving. Otherwise, we’re safe.”

Effie turned to the group. “So, what have you all been studying? Give us the quick version.”

Lily leaned forward, enthusiastic. “I’m doing biochemistry. It’s intense, but I love it. Labs, experiments, the whole lot.” She shrugged and added a spoonful of potato salad to her plate.

Remus, polite and thoughtful, added, “English Literature. Mostly reading and research, writing papers. Some fascinating stuff, though some would say a bit dry at times. But I vehemently disagree.”

“Favourite book you’ve studied this year?”

Remus pondered for a moment, then smiled. “1984, George Orwell. Fascinating.”

Effie’s gaze shifted toward Regulus, who straightened in his seat. “And you, Regulus?”

“I study linguistics at McGill,” he said evenly, keeping his tone neutral, careful not to give too much away, eyes darting nervously as six gazes settled on him.

“Ah, Montreal,” Effie said, a little smile tugging at her lips. “That must be wonderful. Such a beautiful city. You and Sirius grew up there, yes?”

Regulus allowed himself a polite nod, and then looked down at his plate. Sirius, as ever, watched him like a hawk from across the table, while James’ gaze lingered on him curiously, a quiet, steady observation that made Regulus tense. Monty, oblivious to the academic direction of the conversation, turned to Sirius and James.

“So, football this year. How many games did you two actually win? I swear the stadium must have been packed every single weekend.”

“Eight.” James said easily. “The atmosphere’s insane.”

Effie rolled her eyes in Regulus’ direction, as if to soften the statement, a small olive branch. Regulus forced a polite smile, saying nothing.

“And what about summer plans?” Effie asked next. “Anything exciting for you lot?”

James leaned back, confident. “We’ve got a few things lined up. Hiking, swimming, maybe a couple of weekend trips. Canoeing on the lake, some nights by the fire pit. Basically, the whole Ontario experience.”

The group laughed and murmured in agreement, the easy camaraderie making Regulus feel both out of place and faintly curious. Soon, the conversation turned to joking and the laughter around the table shifted naturally to playful jabs between Sirius and James.

“You call that a throw?” Monty teased, nodding towards the play James was showing his mum on his phone, “Half the team could have caught that and still scored!”

James rolled his eyes dramatically. “Oh, please. At least I don’t trip over my own cleats, Dad. Was that the first time you fumbled the champs, or the second?”

Monty roared with laughter, “Little shit,” he chuckled, bumping his son affectionately on the shoulder.

Sirius leaned back, grinning, elbow resting casually on the bench. “James, you mean like last season when you literally face-planted in front of the entire stadium? Legendary.”

James scoffed, waving a piece of chicken for emphasis. “That was one time, and the wind was a factor. Completely out of my control.”

Regulus allowed himself a small smile, listening quietly, neve contributing. The easy banter, the effortless rapport between the two, made the tension in the air feel lighter, almost tangible. He glanced at James as he laughed, and his eyes flicked toward him.

Effie shook her head, smiling indulgently as she looked between her husband and her son. “Honestly, you two are ridiculous.”

“Ridiculous? That’s one way to put it. I call it entertaining.”

Regulus sat back slightly, observing the flow of conversation, the rhythm of laughter and teasing. He noticed how Sirius and James moved in sync, how even the lightest touch of a hand or glance seemed perfectly timed. He chewed his food more deliberately, focusing on the warm, savoury flavours, but the awareness of James’ gaze lingered. Across the table, James shifted slightly, laughing as Lily recounted some stupid event from their year. Sirius caught Regulus’ glance and gave a small, friendly nod, the kind that silently said relax, you’re with friends here. Regulus tried. He listened, smiled when it was appropriate, but mostly observed, tucked at the end of the bench, aware of Sirius’ glare and James’ curious eyes following him like a quiet tide. For a moment, Regulus allowed himself to notice the beauty around him, the lake glimmering beyond the glass walls, the late afternoon sun warming the deck, the way laughter felt soft and easy in this space. Eight weeks of hell, he reminded himself.

Later that evening, as the fire crackled, sending flickers of orange light across the deck and reflecting in the still surface of the lake beyond, the students sat around the fie pit. Effie and Monty had retreated inside, leaving the five of them to settle into the warmth of the evening air. Sirius sprawled on the cushioned seating, tossing a marshmallow onto the fire with a practiced flick, while James leaned casually against the side of the hot tub, whirring under its cover, arms crossed, a smirk playing at his lips.

Lily handed Regulus a cup of cider. “Careful, it’s hot,” she said, her tone lighter than it had been at the table.

“Thanks,” he murmured, cradling it in his hands, feeling the heat seep into his fingers. He tried to focus on the fire, the smoke curling lazily upward, but he couldn’t ignore James’ eyes tracking him, curious and patient all at once. He took a passive seat in the conversation, as always, and waited for his cue that he had stayed long enough and he could go to bed.

“Still nursing that drink?” Sirius teased from across the circle after another half an hour. “Come on, Reg, don’t tell me you’re afraid of a little warmth.”

Regulus scowled. “I’m not afraid. I just appreciate moderation.”

James laughed softly, a low sound that made Regulus’ stomach twist unexpectedly. “Moderation, huh?” His tone wasn’t entirely sincere. “I don’t believe you’re the kind of guy who does anything in moderation.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, shaking his head. “Ignore him, Reggie, he’s just trying to make you sweat.”

“I’m not,” James said, tilting his head. “I just find it interesting how calm you are, considering what Sirius has told me about you…”

Regulus blinked, caught off guard by the directness, then glowered at his brother who chuckled and shrugged. He set the cup down and turned slightly to face him, keeping his expression neutral. “You shouldn’t believe everything you hear Potter, surely that is common sense?”

James didn’t press further, just smiled faintly and looked down at the fire. Sirius chuckled beside him, clearly entertained by the tension simmering in the air. Remus and Lily had settled on the other side of the fire, talking quietly about a book Lily was reading and a paper Remus was working on. Their voices blended into the background, as crickets buzzed and the waves of the lake continued to softly lap against the pebbles.

The night deepened, stars glinting above, and the conversation drifted into lighter teasing between Sirius and James, jokes about old football games and who had embarrassed themselves most that season. Every now and then, James would glance at Regulus, curious, careful, like he didn’t want to push but couldn’t quite look away.

It was after midnight when they retreated up to their rooms. Sirius and Remus were up the stairs and down the corridor to the right, Lily was in the room next to theirs. James and Regulus turned left however, and their rooms were opposite one another at the other end of the house.

“Sleep well.” James offered quietly, but Regulus ignored him. He closed the door to his bedroom and finally released the breath he’d been holding. His suitcase sat in the middle of the room, brought up for him. He walked slowly around the space. A double bed under the window, a TV mounted on the opposite wall. He even had an en-suite. He paused at the side of the bed, looking out the window which overlooked the gravel driveway. The little blue truck was still parked haphazardly before the garage. There was a light on in the room above the garage, James’ parents’ room. Regulus drew the blind on the window and began his nighttime routine before sliding into bed, swamped by the enormity of it, and lay awake for hours before sleep finally took him.  

Chapter Text

Chapter Two

A beam of bright fractured light rippled across his face, pulling him from sleep. Regulus opened his eyes blearily and squinted into the morning sun filtering through the trees. Clearly, he’d forgotten to shut the second blind to his left. His phone read seven thirty two. Inhaling deeply, he rolled over, pulling the duvet back up to his neck and allowed himself to take in the room in daylight. The sheets were white, the duvet crinkly, like one would find in a hotel. There were decorative green pillows discarded on the floor where he had launched them in his sleep. The steel grey suitcase remained abandoned beside the wardrobe, he’d unpack that later. May as well use the storage space, regardless, he was doomed to stay here for eight weeks whether he liked it or not. To his left was a small but modern en-suite bathroom. His own toilet and shower. That was something no sane person would complain about. Regulus unplugged his phone and briefly scrolled through it, answering a text from Pandora, his college best friend.

How’s Lake Lachrymose? She had typed sarcastically.

Not enough leeches for my liking. He typed back with a smirk. Though the sight of Sirius and his friends pulling leeches off of themselves for eight weeks seemed like a small mercy for dragging him here against his will. Alas, there were no leeches in Lake Joseph. How unfortunate.

            Getting up, he made the bed neatly and padded across the plush carpet to his suitcase and took out a pair of black jeans, a plain green t-shirt, and a hoodie. Then he got dressed, brushed his teeth and attempted to tame the chaos on top of his head. Half curls and wavy strands stuck out in odd directions and at first it seemed manageable, but after fifteen minutes of faffing with it, he gave up. It was what it was. Pocketing his phone, Regulus slipped out of his bedroom, and cautiously made his way along the corridor and down the architecturally modern but incredibly stupid wooden stairs, each one entirely separate from the one before. The damn things were just asking for someone to break their ankle.

            He rounded the bottom of the stairs into the open plan nowhere to hide living space to find a shirtless James Potter leaning over the kitchen island, a mug in hand, and Remus curled on the couch, a book in hand. The Great Gatsby, one of Regulus’ favourites. He forced himself not to stare at James. Similarly, he did not wished to be questioned by his brother’s boyfriend, though he didn’t really think Remus was the type to start conversations. The guy could thankfully read a room.

“Morning.” James said brightly, smiling that stupid smile.

Regulus offered a polite but curt smile. “Morning.”

“Tea? Coffee?” James asked, straightening.

Regulus shook his head. “I am capable of making my own.”

“I’m sure you are. But I’m offering. It’s called being a gracious host.” James bit back, raising an eyebrow and smiling expectantly.

“I am fine. Thank you.” Regulus refused and walked through the living space, stopping before the already open bifold doors, overlooking the lake. Between the water and the house was a flat grassy area, with a set of football posts at either end. At the end of the decking, the ground sloped slightly down to this makeshift sports field, a couple of sun loungers had been left wonkily at the edge. The sun was currently behind the house, having shot through Regulus’ bedroom window, and was now creating intricate shadows across the grass as the wind moved leaves and branches through golden fingers of light.

“Coming out on the water today?” James voice found him and he glanced briefly over his shoulder.

Regulus scoffed. “Absolutely not.”

“Ah I see. Allergic to fun.” James said knowingly, and grinned when Regulus shot him a cruel glare. “Kidding!” he chuckled, hands up in surrender. Remus carried on reading silently.

“Go find someone else to fucking pick on.” Regulus grumbled, stepping out onto the deck in his socks, walking to the edge and sitting down. The lake lay flat and steel blue, mist clinging low to the surface, reluctant to let go. The morning air was crisp, yet it was clear they were in for another hot day. It was fresh, it bit at exposed skin but would soften as the sun climbed higher. Regulus watched the world he was stuck in, knees drawn in, the sleeves of his jumper pulled over his hands and admired the light creep across the water. Somewhere beyond the trees, a bird called once and fell silent again. It felt like a pause, a held breath. The water lapped at the shore, a perfect mirror. The trees loomed ominously over it, the long arms of them kissing the surface, teasingly as if forbidden.

            Getting cold, a little while later, he stood and ventured back inside. Remus was gone, but James sat at the breakfast bar still, now with a plate of eggs and toast, and what Regulus assumed was a second coffee. He walked past him quietly, drawn immediately to the coffee machine.

“You’ve got to press-” James began, but Regulus held up a hand, elegant fingers silencing him.

“I am not inept, Potter. I can use a coffee machine.” He snapped, not bothering to turn around. The machine began to whir. Regulus found himself a mug.

“Aye, understood.”

“Morning!” a sleepy Sirius yawned from the foot of the stairs, crossing the room and taking the seat beside James.

“Matin, Siri.” Regulus said, looking briefly over his shoulder. Morning, Siri.

“Matin. J’vais t’en prendre un, Reggie.” Sirius yawned, shouldering James playfully. Morning. I’ll take one, Reggie.

“Je t’en offrais pas.” Regulus glowered, stirring his own coffee. I wasn’t offering.

“Merci quand même.” Sirius smirked and smiled innocently. Thanks anyway.

Regulus watched the lake a moment longer before adding, quieter, “Ton idiot de football commence déjà à m’agacer.” Your football idiot is already starting to annoy me.

Sirius laughed under his breath. “La plupart des choses t’agacent, Reggie.” Most things annoy you, Reggie.

Regulus’ mouth twitched in frustration. “Va te faire voir.” Get lost.

“Fancy heading over to this little beach on the other side of the lake this morning?” James asked Sirius. Regulus listened as he poured a second coffee.

“I’m game for whatever Prongs, you know me.”

“You coming, little Black?”

It took Regulus a moment to realise that he was little Black. “Don’t call me that. And no. You two enjoy yourselves.”

“Fais pas ton impoli, Reggie.” Sirius snapped. Don’t be rude.

Regulus shot him daggers. “Va donc chier, Sirius.” fuck off, Sirius. Then thrust the coffee into his brother’s hands and swifty left the room, taking his own mug with him outside to resume his observation of the lake from the deck.

******

            The day heated up quickly. Regulus had spent most of it attempting to hide away from the rest of the house. It had worked for the most part. Sirius, James and Lily had taken the boat out onto the water in search of some beach, and he had successfully avoided being roped into going. James’ parents had gone into town for the day, they were meeting friends for lunch or something, Regulus hadn’t really been paying attention. Which left him alone with his brother’s boyfriend. This, he soon realised, was the best possible outcome. Remus was quiet. He understood how to respect another person’s peace, and thus hey co-existed in the stupidly large open-living space for hours, both with their noses in a book. When Remus made lunch, he offered to make Regulus some too, but he refused it. Eating was a struggle at the best of times, and currently, stuck in a house with a bunch of people he didn’t know, the prospect of eating felt worse than that of throwing up his stomach lining for forty eight hours straight. So, he politely declined, and continued to read.

            Outside the lake shimmered in the summer sun, the grass moved gently in the breeze, and the beauty of the place felt oppressive, taunting him into acceptance of it’s wonders. Regulus studied it. Regardless of his feelings about being stuck here for two months, he couldn’t lie that the place had some modicum of charm. Not that he’d ever admit that to anyone. Especially James. James and his shit eating grin.

            Remus sat at the table with a plate. Regulus noticed that he favoured his left leg. He remembered Sirius mentioning something about his mobility. But it didn’t feel appropriate to ask Remus himself. He watched as the nineteen year old lowered himself onto a chair with a wince, and looked away, it felt rude, watching him. Regulus turned the page in his book, drawing his knees up to his chest. They continued to quietly exist. The afternoon approached. Regulus finished his book and left softly, padding up the stairs to swap it for a new one. At this rate he’d run out of things to read before the week was out, then what on earth was he to do for the following seven?!  

            Upstairs, he decided to unpack. Taking out carefully folded clothes, he filled the wardrobe, hanging jackets with orderly neatness. Then, he zipped up the case and pushed it in the gap between the wardrobe and the wall. The ten books he had brought with him, sat piled up on the dresser, one pile of read, another pile of to be read. He added the one he’d just finished to the read pile and flicked through the others in attempt to pick his next read. The Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro intrigued him. He slipped his bookmark into the first page and headed back downstairs.

“Reggie!” Sirius called as Regulus rounded the bottom of the stairs.

Fuck me. He thought as he noticed a shirtless and now damp James Potter laughing with Lily as he tried to shake lake water all over her on the deck outside. No matter how annoying this guy was, no one could deny he was built like some kind of Greek mythological hero.

“I wish you’d have come with us, it was incredible!” Sirius grinned, his hair wet and knotted at the back of his skull. Regulus caught Remus’ gaze, firmly on his brother’s torso, who then blushed and looked back down.

Regulus shook his head. “Getting wet, cold and covered in dirt isn’t really my thing.”

James had come inside now, a towel thrown casually over his shoulder. “Hey, you guys had a good morning?”

Regulus didn’t answer, Remus smiled. “It’s been relaxing. It is so peaceful here.”

“Oh yeah?” James said, but his eyes were still on Regulus, who continued to scowl at him.

“I’m showering, I stink of lake.” Lily shotgunned, skipping off upstairs, locks of wet red hair bouncing against her back.

“Me too.” Sirius added, pulling Remus to his feet and persuading him upstairs, leaving Regulus alone with bloody James Potter. He sat down on one of the couches, and opened his book, folding his feet underneath himself.

“How long till I manage to get you out on the lake then?” James grinned, leaning against the kitchen counter, studying him.

“A long fucking time.” Regulus grumbled, turning the page.

“One trip.” James pleaded.

“No.”

“You cannot spend a summer in Muskoka and not go out on the lake even once.”

“Fucking watch me, Potter.” Regulus said dryly, not looking up at the stupid curly haired man.

There was a moment of silence. Regulus thought he’d managed to deter him, but then there he was, in his eyeline.

“A hike then?” Jesus was this man begging?

“No. Go bug someone else! I will sit here and read, then in eight weeks I will go home and plan to never come back here.” Regulus looked up and met his eyes resentfully. “Now piss off, and leave me alone.”

James pressed his lips together, then smirked. “We’ll see about that.”

Then he was gone, jogging up the stairs. Regulus didn’t watch him go. Not even a tiny bit. Not even to see the way his back muscles flexed, the dimples on his lower back rippling.

*****

            Dinner that evening was taken outside again, as it seemed it would be on every dry evening they had. Why sit inside, Effie had said, when the weather was as glorious as it was! The food was laid out on the long table on the deck, the wood still warm from the day, the air cooling just enough to raise goosebumps along Regulus’ arms. Lanterns hung from hooks above them, casting soft pools of light that made the lake beyond look darker by contrast. Effie had cooked this time. Something fragrant and carefully assembled, yet still hearty. Regulus took his place beside Sirius, close enough that their knees brushed beneath the table. Across from him, James sat easily, one arm slung over the back of the bench, posture relaxed and intentional. Face filled with an easy smile. Lily sat beside him, Remus beside Sirius. James took plates from his dad and passed them around. Regulus didn’t dare look at him. He focused instead on the plate placed in front of him, on the way the food steamed faintly in the cooling air.

Conversation rose and fell around him, comfortable and unforced. Cutlery clinked. Someone laughed. Regulus picked at his meal, moving things around more than eating them, counting bites like obligations. His stomach had already begun its familiar tight spiral, appetite retreating the more aware he became of being observed, even indirectly. Sirius noticed, of course. He always did.

He leaned closer, voice low enough to stay between them. “Mange un peu plus, Reg.” Eat a little more, Reg.

Regulus kept his eyes on his plate. “J’ai pas faim.” I’m not hungry.

Sirius frowned, the crease between his brows deepening. “T’as presque rien mangé.” You’ve barely eaten.

“Ça va, Siri.” I’m fine, Siri. It was automatic, the deflection. Polished. Practiced.

Sirius tried again, softer. “J’me fais du souci, c’est tout.” I’m just worried, that’s all.

Regulus’ chest tightened. He shifted on the bench, aware suddenly of the weight of his own body, of the space he occupied. Of James’ gaze, steady and curious. He could feel it without looking. But refused to give it shape.

“Arrête,” he muttered. Stop.

Sirius exhaled through his nose, not angry, just frustrated. “Fais pas ça.” Don’t do this.

Regulus’ fingers curled around his fork, knuckles pale. “J’ai dit que ça va.” I said I’m fine. The words came out sharper than intended. Sirius went quiet, the concern not gone but banked, set aside for later. Regulus hated himself for the relief that followed. He forced down another bite, tasted almost nothing. Across the table, James said something that made Lily laugh, the sound light and unrestrained. Regulus kept his head down, shoulders drawn in, every instinct urging him smaller. He did not look up.

“This is excellent, Effie,” Lily praised brightly.

“Thank you dear, just an old family recipe.” Effie said warmly, pouring herself another glass of wine and offering the bottle around the table.

“You kids have fun today?” Monty asked, shovelling a forkful of food into his mouth. Regulus pushed his food around his plate.

“Mmm.” Sirius affirmed. “Its just beautiful out there. Can’t wait to do it again. You’ll have to come too Moony.”

Remus nodded. “Tomorrow, if my hip gives me less grief.”

Sirius didn’t ask Regulus to go. Regulus had made himself clear this evening. He did not wish to be questioned or pressed upon. There was no getting him to do anything he had set himself against. Not when he felt out of control.

            He helped Lily clear the plates to the kitchen and load the dishwasher. Everyone else remained outside, drinking and laughing. Monty had pulled out a pack of cards.

“Its so kind of them to invite us, don’t you think?” the red head said, clearly trying to build some kind of rapport with him.

“Sure.” Regulus said.

“Dinner was incredible.”

Regulus nodded, loading plates into the dishwasher, rinsing them off in the sink first.

“I much prefer being here to being at home with my family.” Lily huffed, scraping leftovers into tubs.

“Oh?”

“Definitely. They can be rather unbearable.”

“Mine too.” Regulus agreed, smiling sympathetically.

“Well then, lets make the most of this summer, before we are forced to return to them.” She smiled and handed him a bowl to rinse. Regulus didn’t answer but considered her words, if only briefly. It was true, this was a damn sight better than spending a summer with his parents and their parties, their insufferable friends and his mother’s constant scathing comments and judgements. Perhaps, this could be a blessing in disguise. A summer of silence. To be left alone to quietly read and exist, without all of the shit. He closed the dishwasher, Lily went back outside, and Regulus slunk away to bed. Well, to read and scroll on his phone until the early hours of the morning. Lily could be right, he should take advantage of such a unique set of circumstances.

            Regulus closed his bedroom door and decided to shower before pulling on trackies and an oversized hoodie with the intention of curling in the enormous bed, between the hundreds of cushions and relishing in quiet hours, uninterrupted and left entirely alone.

How’s buttfuck nowhere? Pandora.

He smirked. Fucking empty.

Sirius’ idiot friends still being idiots?

Just one of them. Lily is actually alright. You’d like her. He threw his phone on the bed and stripped off, stepping into the bathroom to turn the shower on.

What’s Sirius’ boyfriend like?

He took his phone into the bathroom and placed it on the sink after replying. Quiet. Nice. Not who I thought he’d go for.

Interesting.

            Afterwards, he felt better, though his stomach grumbled. But he couldn’t eat at dinner, there were too many people. The pressure was too high. He rubbed his abdomen and pushed the feeling away. Instead he dressed and replied to Pandora a few more times, until there came an unexpected knock on his door. Discarding his phone on the bed, he crossed the room and opened it to reveal James Potter standing with a plate of food and a hopeful look on his stupid face.

“What?” Regulus asked defensively.

“Forgive me, if I’m overstepping. But, you didn’t eat very much at dinner and… well I get it. It can be overwhelming, and you don’t know anyone. But… here.” He thrust the plate forwards.

Regulus eyed it carefully.

“Just take it, then you can decide whether you want it or not. But I couldn’t bear the thought of you sitting up here starving.” James said, plate still held out. After a pause, Regulus took it and James’ face brightened, then he checked himself. “Well, we’re just downstairs if you need anything, or wish to join us. Night.”

“Night.” Regulus managed, and watched the dark haired man walk back along the corridor. He closed the door and looked down at the plate, a fork gently tucked on one side. Regulus sat in the window seat and tentatively picked at it. He could eat here. It felt safer. He felt unwatched. A smile tugged at his lips. He repressed it.

Eventually he placed the empty plate on the dresser.

Chapter Text

Chapter Three

Sirius rolled into a solid presence in the bed beside him, wrapping his arms around the middle and pulling the form tightly to his chest.

“Moony.” He mumbled happily, breathing in the scent of him.

Remus’ hands slid along Sirius’ arms, holding him there as he was drawn from sleep.  “It’s too early Padfoot. Go back to sleep.”

Sirius placed light kisses along Remus’ shoulder blades, nipping gently at the skin. “Shall I go and make coffees and bring them up?” he whispered. Remus nodded, and made a contented noise. Sirius kissed him once more and sat up, sliding out of bed and searching for his sweatpants. They’d been haphazardly discarded last night when Remus had told him to get on his knees. After finding them, he gently closed the door behind him and yawned as he walked, rubbing his eyes and making his way downstairs.

            No one else was up yet. The doors to the deck were closed, the living room was quiet. Sirius turned on the coffee machine, the sound of it echoing loudly throughout the house. Why was it that things always sounded a hundred times louder when one was attempting to be quiet? It hissed and gurgled and he watched it, waiting for the bitter liquid to fill the fancy glass mugs.

As he waited, he thought back to the previous evening. To dinner. Sirius had watched Regulus push food around his plate and had felt that same bitterness rise in his throat. It was never about hunger, not really. It was about the voices that lingered long after they were supposed to stop speaking. Walburga’s voice, precise and condescending, commenting on posture, on restraint, on how a little discipline goes a long way, darling. On how too much puppy fat was unbecoming. On how perfection was quiet and narrow and easily broken. Sirius had learned long ago that the only way to survive her was to reject the premise entirely. He remembered the exact moment it had clicked. Standing in the hallway outside the dining room, listening to her catalogue his failures with surgical calm, and realising, with a kind of wild relief, that he had no obligation to care. That rebellion was not just being the loudest in the room. It was freedom from her expectations, her demands. Sirius decided to push back against everything he expected of him, yet he wondered whether that in turn had narrowed her attention on Regulus. The way Sirius would speak French poorly on purpose, with a thick Canadian accent, dropping the eloquence, and making his mother explosively cross. He found little slithers of joy in tormenting her like that. Just as she had tormented him with her jabs and chastisements his entire life. Yet with Regulus, his French would be as perfect as ever. This was always the icing on the cake, particularly when she heard him switch been fluent and poor French.

Regulus had never been blessed with such a moment of realisation, or at least Sirius assumed that he hadn’t, given the way he still treated their mother’s word as gospel. Reggie had been praised instead, moulded and sharpened into something fragile and exact. Sirius wanted to reach across the table at each meal and shake him, to tell him that her opinions meant nothing, that her idea of perfection was rotten to the core. But he didn’t, he did not wish to fight with his brother. Instead, he watched. He worried. And he hoped, fiercely and without much pushing, that this place, this summer, might loosen something in his baby brother. That maybe, here, Regulus could learn to take up space without apology.

The coffee machine beeped expectantly. Sirius swapped the mugs over, adding a sugar to his own whilst he waited for Remus’ to brew. Regulus had disappeared quickly after dinner. Too quick for Sirius to try and persuade him to stay for a while, to socialise. The guy never spent time with anyone aside from him. When they were home, he never left the house, and when they were away at college, Sirius didn’t expect much was very different. It had taken so much to even get Regulus to agree to move into dorms, despite his university being close to home. Space was good, it was healthy. Sirius hadn’t realised how much he’d needed to get away from their parents until he’d moved away to college, and God was he glad he did. Toronto was fun. It was freeing. Football was everything, the camaraderie, the game, the road trips to away matches. He felt like he belonged somewhere, and he was concerned that Regulus didn’t have anything like that. But his little brother would never put himself out there, he was too guarded, too concerned with self-preservation. And, Sirius supposed, who could blame him. Despite growing up in the same house, Sirius had chosen brazen disobedience, and Regulus had retreated and conformed. And fuck did Sirius want to save him from his fate, from socialites and high society. As soon as he was done with college and he had a place of his own, he’d make it his mission to get Regulus out of that house, out from under their mother’s influence. He’d move him in with him and Remus and rebuild him from the ground up, because as long as their mother had hold of him, Regulus would always choose to shut down, just like he had at dinner.

Re-entering their room, he passed a mug to Remus who was now sat up in bed, a book already in his lap.

“Thank you, Pads.” Remus smiled, warming his hands around the glass mug.

Sirius climbed back into bed, siting cross legged, facing his boyfriend. “You coming out onto the lake with us today?” he asked, keeping his voice deliberately light, eyes fixed on the far wall rather than on Remus’ hands braced against the mattress. It was always a question, never an assumption.

Remus shifted uncomfortably and lifted his shoulders then hesitated. Sirius felt it more than heard it. “I might,” he said, which meant probably not. “Depends how it feels after breakfast.” It being his hip.

Sirius nodded, easy. Too easy. He understood the calculus by now. Unfamiliar beds made it worse. Cold mornings made it worse. Damp air settled into Remus’ joints like it had nowhere better to be. Some days Remus could walk for hours, laugh it off, exist without thinking about his body at all. Other days, even standing up felt like asking too much. Sirius hated that there were days like that. Hated even more that Remus carried it so quietly, like it was something to apologise for.

“Yeah,” Sirius said. “No pressure, babe. If you’re not up to it, I can stay?”

Remus smiled at him then, small and genuine, and Sirius felt the familiar tug in his chest. He wanted to wrap him in something warmer than concern, something that could make the world gentler by sheer force of will. He couldn’t. What he could do was ask. What he could do was wait. What he could do was make sure Remus never felt forgotten just because he couldn’t keep up.

“Thanks, but you go anyway. I wouldn’t want to keep you from enjoying your summer. Don’t worry about me, I’m happy reading and enjoying the view from the house.” Remus said softly, and reached for his hand. Sirius squeezed back, then leaned in and kissed him sincerely.

“You’re sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“Love you.” He whispered.

“Love you too.” Remus said back, eyes creasing as he smiled. God Sirius melted with each and every smile. How had he gotten so lucky?

*****

            The boat left the jetty with an accelerated whoosh. James stood at the helm, Lily and Sirius sat on the padded benches behind him, both tucking flying bits of hair behind their ears as the wind took control. Remus hadn’t felt up to it. Sirius knew it was likely the thought of getting in and out of the boat that was worrying him, and he’d never let Sirius help him, or God forbid, pick him up, and so he’d assured Sirius that he’d rather stay at the house and read. That perhaps later on he’d go for a walk along the shoreline. There were two trails leading away from the house directly, and it was very hard to get lost, one walks along, and simply turns back when ready to return.

            So, the three of them set off across the deep blue waters, with the plan to anchor somewhere and dive off the front of the boat. They’d packed food and a couple of beers and planned to be out for most of the afternoon. Regulus had shown his face around ten and refused their invitation. He’d retreated back to his bedroom and Sirius hadn’t seen him since.

The boat cut cleanly through the water, the shoreline loosening behind them until the house became just another shape among trees. Sirius let the sun work into his shoulders, the steady vibration of the engine thrumming up through the bench. It felt good, this. Easy. He spared a thought for Remus, hoped he’d settled somewhere comfortable with his book, hoped the quiet was kind to him today.

James throttled back once they reached a stretch of open water ringed by low, forested hills. The engine fell into silence, replaced by the soft lap of water against the hull. Sirius stood to help with the anchor, muscles warm, movements unthinking. The boat rocked gently as it caught.

“Right,” James said, already toeing off his shoes. “Who’s first?”

Lily answered by diving without ceremony, a clean arc and a sharp splash. Sirius laughed, stripped off his shirt, and followed her a second later, the cold shock of the lake stealing the breath from his lungs before giving it back brighter. He surfaced grinning, water slicking his hair back, James whooping above them before joining in with considerably less grace. A cannonball of peace disturbance. A holler as he leapt off the boat. They swam lazily around The Griffin, clinging to the ladder, drifting on their backs. Lily floated beside Sirius, arms spread, eyes closed against the sun.

“Met someone in chem,” she said suddenly. “Actually, two someones. They’re dating each other though, which is tragic for me. I thought I’d have a chance with at least one of them.”

Sirius snorted. “You collecting conquests now Evans?”

“I’m assessing my options,” she corrected. “Patiently.”

James hauled himself halfway out of the water, elbows hooked over the edge. “Anyone serious?”

“Potentially,” Lily said. “If they break up. Or invite me in. You know, I’m flexible.”

Sirius laughed, water sloshing into his mouth. He turned to James, squinting up at him. “What about you, then golden boy?”

James shrugged, easy and unbothered. “Nah. No one’s really caught my eye.”

Sirius studied him, the way he said it was quick. Usually there’d be a comment, a remark about someone he’d set his sights on, he thought, but decided to let it go. They swam again, racing to a buoy that wasn’t really a buoy, floating aimlessly until the heat drove them back to the ladder. Sirius sprawled on the deck afterward, skin drying tight and warm, the lake stretching endless and blue around them. He closed his eyes, let the sun press him flat, and thought, not for the first time that day, that he wished Remus and Regulus had come with them.

James sat on the edge of the boat, feet dangling in the water, absently rocking his heels against the hull. Lily surfaced behind them with a splash, immediately swimming off again, humming to herself as if she were entirely in her own world.

“Gonna be weird next season,” Sirius said, leaning back on his hands. “No Wood yelling at everyone like we’re on a military exercise.”

James laughed. “You’ll miss him.”

“I’ll miss winning,” Sirius corrected. “Different thing entirely.”

James tipped his head back, squinting into the sun. “Weasley leaving’s the bigger hit. He held the the entire defensive line together.”

“And Longbottom,” Sirius added. “Quiet, but solid. You don’t replace that easily.”

James nodded, thoughtful now. “Team’s gonna change. New voices. New pace.”

“You’ll be fine,” Sirius said easily. “You always are.”

James shrugged, but there was a flicker of importance. “Yeah. Just means I’ll have to step up more.”

Sirius smirked. “Quarterback finally realising he’s important. That’s some big boy growth right there Prongs.”

James flicked water at him with his foot. “Shut up.” He grinned, leaning forward conspiratorially. “Means you’ll have to score more, Pads. Can’t rely on a decent wide receiver to make you look good anymore.”

Sirius scoffed. “Please. I’ve been carrying that team since rookie year.”

“Running backs don’t carry teams,” James said lightly. “They get carried.”

Sirius sat up, splashing a hand into the water. “You saying you’re not gonna throw to me?”

“I’m saying,” James replied, eyes bright, “you’d better be faster.”

Sirius laughed delightedly. “You’re on, Potter.”

*****

James moored the boat at the end of the jetty and the three of them clambered out, hauling bags and the cooler behind them. Sirius held out his hand for Lily to step out of the boat, she kissed him on the cheek and skipped along the jetty towards the house. James shouldered the cooler, adjusting it once or twice and they walked slowly up the grassy slope.  Monty caught them just as they were getting the last of the kit out of the boat, feet wet, skin still damp, the late afternoon easing toward gold. He leaned against one of the posts on the jetty, arms folded, sunglasses pushed up into his hair, with a newspaper tucked under his arm looking pleased in the gentle way Sirius had come to associate with him.

“Had a good day, boys?” Monty asked.

James nodded, already reaching for the rope again out of habit. “Perfect conditions. Water was flat.”

Monty grinned proudly. “You always did have a good feel for it. Same with the boat. You listen to it.”

James shrugged, modestly. “Learned from the best, Pa.”

Sirius watched the exchange from a step back, towel slung over his shoulders. There was something effortless in the way they spoke to each other, a shared language built out of years rather than effort. Advice given freely, approval offered unconditionally. Sirius felt the familiar ache bloom low in his chest, dull and persistent. Orion had never taught him anything like this. Not because he couldn’t, but because he hadn’t wanted to. Instructions from his father had always come with a serrated edge, corrective, designed to point out what Sirius was doing wrong rather than how to do it better. There had been no shared pride, no easy warmth. Just expectation, heavy as wet wool.

Monty clapped James on the shoulder. “We’ll take her out again tomorrow if the weather holds. I’ll tag along.”

“Yeah?” James said, brightening. “That’d be great.”

Sirius looked away then, out across the water, blinking against the light. He told himself he wasn’t jealous. That wasn’t quite true. What he was, was grieving something he’d never had the chance to miss properly. Watching James with his dad made it impossible not to imagine an alternate version of himself. One who had been met with affection. One who had been allowed to be loud, wrong, unfinished, and still welcomed back without consequence.

Monty turned then, attention shifting easily. “You coming too, Sirius?” he asked.

“Wouldn’t miss it,” Sirius said, and meant it.

James was already talking about the weather, about the way the wind might shift overnight, and Monty listened like it mattered, like his son’s thoughts were worth holding. Sirius felt something loosen and tighten at the same time. He followed them up the jetty toward the house, the late sun stretching their shadows long across the planks, and told himself, firmly, that wanting something did not make him weak. It just meant he’d learned what it was supposed to look like.

            Inside, Sirius found his little brother on the sofa, a book occupying him. What a surprise? If the damn idiot would talk to Remus, he might find they had a great deal in common, but alas, Regulus wished to be grumpy and alone for two months. Sirius smacked him gently on the back of the head and ducked as Regulus swiped back at him and swore at him in French.

“Come off it, Reggie! You cannot sit inside every day for the entire summer with your head stuck in a bloody book! Live a little! Go outside, it won’t kill you.” Sirius badgered him in French.

“I vehemently disagree.” Regulus turned his back on him. “Now go away so I can finish this chapter.”

Sirius sat on the coffee table and caught his little brother’s eye and lowered his voice, filling it with concern. “Have you eaten today, Reggie?”

“Sirius fuck off.” Regulus shifted uncomfortably.

“Please.” Sirius leant forwards, reaching out towards Regulus’ hand but it was quickly snatched away.

“Leave it. Sirius. For the love of God. Leave it. I’m fine.”

Sirius held his gaze for a moment longer, then sighed and stood. “Is Moony upstairs?”

Regulus made an affirming noise, nose already back in his book.

“See you at dinner, yes?”

Regulus just shrugged.  Sirius waited, then gave up and retreated upstairs, another battle lost in the great war of looking after his little brother. How could he possibly go about making him happy if he could barely make him eat enough to make it to nineteen?

            When he reached their bedroom, he noticed Remus was asleep, tucked under the duvet, one arm slung over Sirius’ pillow, his face buried in it. He watched him for a moment, a stupid smile on his face, leaning against the wardrobe beside the door, before grabbing his towel and shampoo and heading for the bathroom next door. Upon his return, fresher and less stinking of lake water, he saw that Remus was still asleep. Pulling on a pair of boxers, Sirius slid into bed behind him, sliding his arms around his middle and kissing the back of his neck. Remus stirred and grumbled.

“You aren’t good at being quiet.”

“I was so quiet!” Sirius protested.

“Babe, you slammed the bedroom door, the bathroom door, sang like a banshee then came back in here and pulled out every drawer until you found where I’d put you boxers. Which is concerning because we’ve been here three days.” Remus said with a fond smile, rolling over sleepily to face him then pulled Sirius in for a kiss. Sirius hummed contentedly and kissed him deeply, pushing him onto his back and straddling him, Remus’ hands exploratory as they travelled over his skin, down to his ass, grabbing handfuls of him. Sirius laughed, rolling his hips, Remus’ t-shirt balled in his fists as he kissed him harder.

“Love you.” Sirius whispered.

“Love you, even though you are about as subtle as a bloody foghorn.”

Sirius rolled his eyes and gasped, a hand to his chest. “Remus John Lupin you wound me!”

“Shut the fuck up and take your clothes off.” Remus said firmly, smacking his ass playfully.

*****

“It’s been so hot today, I thought we’d have salad and bits to pick at rather than a full meal. I hope that’s okay for everyone?” Effie said, fussing about the table, pointing out to the boys where to put the plates of cold cuts and salads. Sirius placed the pasta salad he was holding in front of Regulus, he knew it was the sort of thing he was likely to eat. Then sat down beside Remus, next to Lily. Tonight, James sat next to Regulus and Sirius smirked, he was certain Reg would be fuming about that. But his brother wouldn’t meet his eye. He knew Sirius would only bug him to eat. Perhaps he needed to back off a bit? Perhaps he was being a little overly smothering. Too parental. But the kid barely ate anything. How could he just ignore that?

“Looks incredible Effie,” Lily smiled, Remus agreed and Monty kissed his wife affectionately. They all quickly tucked in, and conversation fell easily around them. Sirius subtly watched his brother. Watched him take small servings, pick at the food. Pause for long periods. Pick a little more. What was worse was he clocked that James had noticed Regulus’ behaviour. Sirius reddened. Oh great. Now his best friend thought his little brother was not only rude but ungrateful too. Sirius kicked Regulus sharply under the table and glared at him.

“What?” Regulus said in French.

“You’re being rude. Eat something.” Sirius hissed back in French.

“I am.” Regulus said quietly, stabbing his fork into his pasta and putting it in his mouth. Sirius watched him silently freak out and found himself at a loss. At this point he had no idea how to help him.

            Dinner became cards and Effie and Monty retired to the cinema room to watch a film. Remus retired once the night air became to trouble his hip and Sirius watched him go, leaning heavily on his crutch.

“How’s he doing?” James asked kindly.

Sirius shrugged. “Some days he’s fine, some days, particularly when he’s been out in the chill of the evening, it plays up. He gets stiff quick.”

“We can eat inside? Would that be better?” James offered.

“No. He’d never allow that. He’s as stubborn as moose.” Sirius chuckled, placing a card down on the table, eyeing Regulus who held his own cards close to his body.

“Is there anything I can do though Pads, anything at all?”

“No Prongs. He’s got his meds, he manages, and he doesn’t accept help. Not even from me.” He shrugged and smiled sadly. He could feel Regulus’ eyes, but he didn’t look up. “It’s your turn Prongs. Play.”

Sirius didn’t sleep well that night.

Chapter Text

Chapter Four

James woke before the house did, the way he always did here. Habit more than intention. He didn’t always leave his room, but he was always awake. Some days he’d sit in the window seat and watch the water. This morning, he lingered briefly at the window, but didn’t sit. He looked out. The lake lay flat and pale beyond the glass, mist still clinging low to the surface, the world reduced to a small, manageable radius. He glanced at the treeline, could almost feel the leaves rubbing against one another, the comforting rustle a constant reminder of home. He didn’t bother with a shirt, just pulled on a pair of sweats that sat low on his hips, the rigid v of his stomach disappearing into the grey fabric. James padded barefoot through the house, opening windows as he went, letting the cool morning air replace the warmth left over from the night before. The place smelled faintly of woodsmoke and lake water and something sweet his mother had baked yesterday and forgotten to wrap. Brownies. He smiled at the pile of goods perched on the counter. He found a tin and packed them neatly inside, then placed them on the coffee table for people to work away at throughout the day.

He checked the weather instinctively, not on his phone but the sky itself, reading cloud and colour, the way his father had taught him. Pulling open one of the bifold doors, he paused, hand resting on the frame where the varnish was slightly rough. Monty had fixed that last summer, swearing softly the entire time, refusing help. James smiled as he ran his fingers over the surface. Outside, he walked down to the water, watching the waves creep forwards bravely and retreat as confidence waned. He straightened the paddles by the dock, aligning them until the handles sat flush. He didn’t need to. No one would notice if they weren’t. But it mattered to him that things were in their place. That the house was ready. That when his friends woke, the day would unfold easily, as if by design. He stood for a moment longer, looking out across the water, feeling the quiet settle into him. This place asked something of him. Care. Attention. He gave it willingly.

James had always loved this place. He was rooted to it. Yes, it felt sentimental, reminiscent of his childhood, but it ran deeper than that. He was rooted in the very foundations of the place. Muskoka wasn’t a retreat so much as a continuation of himself. In existing is its bubble, time slowed into something comfortable, where the noise of the year fell away and left behind only what mattered. He had grown up learning the lake’s moods, the way the weather shifted without warning, the particular satisfaction of doing something physical and necessary with your hands. Being here made him feel competent in a quiet, unshowy way. Bringing Sirius and Lily into that world felt important, like an offering. He wanted them to see it the way he did. To understand why he came back every year without question. Why his parents spoke of the place with the same fond certainty as they did of each other.

He thought about his parents often, especially now, watching them move easily around the house, embracing his friends, making an effort with them. Their generosity had always been like that. Broad, steady, unremarkable only because it was so constant. They trusted him with this place. Trusted him to fill it with people he cared about, to let it be lived in properly. That trust sat warm and solid in his chest. It made him want to rise to it, to be better, kinder, more attentive. Sirius was already at ease here, loud and bright, slipping into the space like he’d been made for it. Lily, too, in her own way. James watched them with an easy affection, pleased by the way they reacted to the lake like it was something new and worth marvelling. He felt responsible for their happiness. There was so much he hadn’t shown them yet. Trails, coves, places the water ran deep and cold even in high summer. He had been planning it out in his head for months. He’d wanted people to share it with since he was a kid.

Regulus’ reaction was different. He didn’t slot neatly into James’ understanding of the group, didn’t meet the place with enthusiasm or resistance, just distance. James found himself noticing him without meaning to. The way he lingered at the edges of things. The way his attention seemed turned inward, as if he were constantly translating the world into something safer before engaging with it. The way he slipped away once conversation became ingrained in other people’s attention. James clocked, too, the way he barely ate at dinner, the small, deliberate movements, trying not to be seen. It wasn’t concern exactly. More an awareness. A curiosity that hadn’t yet sharpened into anything else. James had the sense, watching him, that Regulus was standing at the edge of something unfamiliar, as if he were uncertain whether to step forward or retreat.

Within an hour, others had emerged from their rooms, and James had come back up to the house. His mother had greeted him and announced that she and his father were going for a bike ride. They left shortly after, James wished them a safe ride and waved as they disappeared into the garage. Then he was briefly alone again, before Regulus slunk silently down the stairs, like a cat, scatty and feral.

“Morning,” he smiled.

Regulus just glared, silently. James tracked him across the space, into the kitchen as if trying to will himself into invisibility. Regulus took out a mug and began to make himself a coffee. James leant against the island, watching him.

“Boat trip?” James asked tentatively. His friends had almost been here a week, but Regulus was yet to join them.

Regulus looked up from his coffee, which he had carried to the sofas, perching on the edge. He was a flight risk, always ready to make himself scarce. “No. Thanks.”

“Why not?” James pressed, curiously. He leant over the breakfast bar, cocking his head to one side, eyes searching those cool grey ones hidden under thick dark hair.

Regulus scowled. “Because Potter, I don’t want to.”

“But why?” James knew that he should stop pushing. He also knew, just as clearly, that he didn’t want to. There was something about the way Regulus said his name, clipped and precise, that drew him in.

Regulus sighed and took another sip of his coffee. “Because I dislike boats. I dislike the sun. I dislike being trapped in close proximity with people who insist on talking all the fucking time.” His eyes flicked up again, sharp. “People like you, for example.”

James laughed. It slipped out, warm and surprised, and Regulus’ mouth twitched up, but it wasn’t quite a smile. James latched onto it immediately. “Harsh,” he said. “And untrue. I can be very quiet.”

Regulus looked him over, slow and unimpressed. “You’re a quarterback. Your entire existence is loud.”

“That is a largely stereotypical take, Black,” James replied easily, teasingly. “I am actually an incredibly multi-layered person, who can most definitely be very, very quiet. Particularly on boats.”

“That’s highly unlikely.”

James grinned, resting his chin in his hand now, settling. He found himself searching for new avenues, ways to keep the conversation going. Regulus was actually speaking to him. Something the guy had seemingly purposefully avoided the past week, despite James’ best efforts. “You might like the lake. It’s calmer in the mornings. No one talks much. Not even me.”

Regulus raised an eyebrow. “I don’t believe that for a second.”

“Okay, I only speak when provoked.”

“Well, what have I done to deserve such harassment this morning?” Regulus asked quietly, looking up at him, his fingers warming around his coffee mug.

James hummed, intrigued. “You’re sat here, aren’t you? That surely invites conversation? If you had not wished to speak to me, you could have gone back upstairs. Or outside?”

Regulus snorted indignantly, and James felt absurdly victorious. He should have let the conversation end there. Instead, he straightened, bright with the need to keep it going. “We bring snacks too,” he offered. “Good ones.”

“Really? Oh my god snacks! Why didn’t you say so before! I’m sold. What time do we leave?” Regulus said with uncharacteristic enthusiasm.

“Serious?” James grinned, straightening.

“No, idiot.” Regulus said dryly and stared at him, expression cold.

“Come on, Reg. Come out with us.”

“You’re annoyingly persistent.”

“I prefer hopeful.”

“That’s worse.”

James smiled anyway, already thinking of what else he could say next. “You could… bring your book?”

Regulus scoffed. “And risk it getting wet? No thank you.”

James smiled, even more intrigued. “What if I promise you that I won’t let that happen?”

“You’re so annoying. Has anyone ever told you that before?” Regulus snapped with narrowed eyes.

James grinned. “Plenty.”

“Maybe work on that.” And with that, James watched him stalk angrily towards the stairs.

“See you on the dock at eleven!” James called, laughing when Regulus only offered him a middle finger.

*****

Regulus hadn’t met them on the dock. After ten minutes of waiting Sirius had insisted on leaving because he said, there was no chance in hell that Regulus would come out on the water. So, James untied the boat with one more look up to the house, and pushed away from the dock with one foot, gently accelerating away from the shore.

They hadn’t been long underway when the island came into view. James cut the engine just offshore, letting the boat drift the last few metres toward the island. The granite rose out of the water in smooth, sloping shelves, pale and sun bleached, pines gripping the rock like mountain goats. He hopped out first, boots scraping, and looped the rope around a sturdy root he’d used a hundred times before.

“Welcome,” he said, spreading his arms as if unveiling something grand. “To one of my favourite spots.”

Sirius whistled low as he stood and stepped over the side of the boat. “You’ve been hiding this?”

“Saving it,” James corrected. He glanced back instinctively, checking the line, the boat’s position, the way the water moved around the hull. Satisfied, he stepped aside to help Lily up, steadying her elbow more out of habit than necessity.

Lily crouched, running a hand over the warm stone. “This is unreal,” she said. “You could live out here.”

James smiled, quiet and pleased. “That’s the idea.”

They climbed higher, the rock heating quickly beneath their feet. When they reached a flat plateau, high above the water, Sirius sprawled out on his back, breathing heavy, arms flung wide. “I’m never leaving. Tell my parents I died doing what I loved.”

“Lying down?” Lily said.

“Existing optimally,” Sirius replied shortly, winking. James laughed, settling nearby, gaze drifting out over the water. The lake stretched endlessly, broken only by distant docks and the slow movement of other boats. He loved watching his friends take it in, loved being the one who knew where to go, how long the rope needed to be, which spots were safe to jump from. It felt like offering state secrets.

“Do you ever come here alone, Prongs?” Lily asked, tilting her head toward him.

“Sometimes,” James said. “But mostly with my dad. He showed me this one.”

Sirius cracked an eye open. “Of course he did. Wildcard is Fleamont Potter.”

James felt the familiar warmth at the mention, unguarded. “You bet.”

They sat for a while longer, talking easily about nothing much. Classes. People back in the city. Sirius complained theatrically about early training sessions. Lily listed which friends she’d drag up here next summer, insisting on Molly and Alice. James listened, chimed in, and let the conversation wash over him. He’d created this. These were his friends, enjoying his most favourite place in the world.

Eventually, Sirius sat up, eyes lighting. “Alright. Who’s jumping first?”

James stood, already moving toward the edge. “Follow me. The safest place is here.” He skipped easily across the rock and paused, ensuring his friends noted the spot, then leapt cleanly, water swallowing him whole. When he surfaced, shaking water from his hair, he looked back up at the rock and hollered a loud “WOOO!”. Sirius and Lily stood silhouetted against the sky, laughing, ready to follow him anywhere.

They spent the next hour messing around, climbing, jumping, swimming out to point where the water darkened unnervingly and then raced back to the safety of the island. Sirius dared Lily to jump from a higher ledge, Lily of course, took him up on it without hesitation. James timed their climbs, pretended to officiate like it mattered. Someone splashed someone else. Someone swore. The sun climbed and pressed down warmly, the kind of heat that settled into skin and stayed there, earned. Eventually they drifted back to the boat, limbs heavy, laughter quieter but no less easy. Sirius checked his watch with theatrical despair.

“Hate to break it to you, Prongsie, but if we don’t head back now, your mum will assume we’ve drowned.”

James groaned. “She’d give us at least another hour before raising the alarm.”

“Forty minutes,” Lily said. “Max.”

James relented, grinning as he fired the engine back up. The boat cut a familiar path across the water, wake unfurling behind them like a loose ribbon. Sirius leaned over the side, trailing his fingers through the lake. Lily stretched out on the bench, eyes closed, face tilted toward the sun.

James drove one-handed, relaxed, letting the shoreline guide him home. He was halfway through responding to something Sirius said when he noticed a figure on the rocks near the house. Regulus, unmistakable even at a distance. Cross legged, a book balanced on his knee, head bent in that particular, inward way of his. James felt a small, unprompted lift of recognition. The boat drew closer. The sound carried. Regulus looked up. For a split second, their eyes met. Then Regulus stood abruptly, snapped the book shut, and retreated up the path toward the house, gone almost as soon as he’d appeared. James frowned, hand tightening on the wheel.

“Did you see that?” he asked, more to himself than anyone else.

Sirius followed his gaze, then shrugged. “Probably didn’t want to be disturbed.”

James nodded, unconvinced. Regulus hadn’t looked annoyed. He’d looked startled. Like he’d been caught doing something he hadn’t meant to share. The boat eased back toward the jetty, laughter resuming around him, but James’ attention lagged behind. He tied up automatically, muscle memory taking over, eyes drifting back to the path Regulus had disappeared along.  Perhaps, it was not the lake Regulus disliked, but being watched. He wondered what it would take for Regulus not to run.

*****

            James sat opposite Sirius and Regulus at dinner, Lily sat beside him, his mother on his other side. Remus between Sirius and Monty on the other side of the table. A roast chicken sat in the middle of the table, well carved and dished out by his father, potatoes and vegetables passed around one by one as people filled their plates. Aside from Regulus, who pulled small amounts of food onto his plate and kept his eyes fiercely downcast. James tried not to study him. Cutlery clinked between bouts of laughter as his father talked about ice hockey starting, about renewing their season tickets. James nodded enthusiastically, his mother pointed out trying to get a spare season ticket this year, so that Sirius could come with them. She’d offered one to Remus but he’d graciously refused. Sport wasn’t his thing. It was during this conversation that James clocked another, quieter, harsher conversation across the table from him.

“Tu m’fais honte, Reggie. Tu parles presque pas, tu t’impliques jamais avec personne. Tu préférais aller en France avec maman et papa, c’est ça?” Sirius hissed under his breath. James tried not to make it obvious that he was eavesdropping, despite the fact that he didn’t speak French, and had no idea what they were talking about.

“J’t’ai dit que j’voulais pas venir, mais j’voulais encore moins aller en France. C’était le moins pire de deux choix vraiment merdiques.” Regulus hissed back, putting his fork down. he had barely touched his food.

“Ben assume-le, d’abord ! Profite-en ! Arrête de faire ton crisse d’enfant bête pis essaie, juste un peu, d’avoir du fun!” Sirius said animatedly, then lowered his voice, trying not to draw attention. James looked away, tuning out of the conversation, one to which he had not been invited.

            After dinner, everyone retreated. It seemed the sun had taken it out of them. A night of quiet contemplation in their rooms seemed to be on the cards. They all helped clear after dinner, then Sirius and Remus quickly disappeared, followed by Lily. His parents went out onto the deck to watch the sunset, closing the bifold doors to stop the bugs from infiltrating the house. Regulus was filling his water bottle from the fridge and James couldn’t help but linger on the sofas.

“Are you, enjoying your time here?” he said, cringing as he spoke, but not knowing what else to say.

Regulus looked over his shoulder. James thought he looked startled. “Urm. Yeah. It’s beautiful. Thank you for allowing me to crash your summer.”

“You’re hardly crashing it. I barely see you.” You barely eat anything. He’d wanted to say, but that felt rude. Intrusive.

Regulus shrugged. “I like to keep out the way.”

“Well don’t.” James said automatically, holding his gaze. “Don’t feel like you have to take up less space. Be as loud as you want to be. I just want you to enjoy your time here. Don’t hide from that. You are my guest.”

At first, Regulus was quiet. Then he screwed the lid onto his water bottle and turned to face him. “Alright. I’ll try to be… more present.”

“Don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable though,” James added quickly, his hand held out towards him. “Just, do what makes this enjoyable for you. But, don’t diminish yourself. Embrace the lake. You know?”

Regulus nodded. “Right.”

“Anyway. I’ll let you go. Goodnight, Regulus.” James said, sitting back on the sofa, eyes tracking him.

Regulus just nodded and hopped gracefully up the stairs. When he was gone, James exhaled, groaning as he rubbed his fingers through his hair. What was he doing?

*****

            The following morning, James went for a run. He ran along the trail which cut across the bottom of their garden and ran parallel to lake for ten kilometres. He ran half of it, too fast, then turned around and jogged much slower, back to the house, stopping only a couple of times to photograph the mist lifting off the water, capturing a bird gliding effortlessly across the mirrored surface. His feet impacted the ground with a soft thump, pine needles and forest litter cushioning every step. He listened to the spaces between his breaths, the trickle of water, the coo of birds high in the canopy, the scuttle of smaller animals scurrying into the undergrowth to avoid him. He met no other people on the trail. It was early, and few people came here to exercise. To boat sure. To loosely take part in water sports, but to run, to break a hard sweat, that was unusual for the summer goers of Lake Joseph.

            Like an old Hollywood film, the scenery changed in an instance, trees halting and opening out onto the grassy flat of their garden. His boat wobbling excitedly in the gentle surf, begging to be taken off the dock. James slowed to a walk and hunched over, hands on his knees, panting. He hadn’t gone far, and he felt slow, laggy. He needed to get back into his workouts, or pre-season was going to be a bitch. Straightening, he inhaled deeply, hands now on his hips, waiting for his breathing to slow. The water beckoned. James tore off his shirt and his running shorts and shoes, placed his glasses atop them on the floor, and in only his boxers waded out into the lake, diving into its depths as soon as the water hit his thighs.

            He swam out as far as he dared, until he risked being in the boating lanes and paused, treading water. He glanced around, panting again, curls sticking to his forehead. It was freezing, but he was used to it. From years and years of morning swims, not to mention the endless ice baths they were forced to take at training. Good for the muscles, his coach told them. James had acclimatised to these quickly. He believed he had the lake to thank for that. Kicking his feet below him, he looked up at the house. His mother was opening the bifold doors, Sirius stepped out onto the deck, James waved a hand at him. Sirius waved back. He watched Remus move with ease beside him and smiled. At least he was feeling better today. Settling back into reality, James pushed forwards, swimming back towards shore. He was determined to get Remus and Regulus on some kind of excursion today. Even if it was as far as the jetty. He was going to get them out of the house.

Chapter Text

Chapter Five

Regulus had chosen the sofa deliberately, angled just enough away from the lawn to be both involved and absent simultaneously. He was trying to socialise, to be more present. As Sirius had wanted him to be. The book lay open across his knees, spine cracked, margins already familiar from rereads, but the words refused to settle. Heat pressed down from above, thick and unrelenting, the kind that made thought feel sluggish and skin too aware of itself. He shifted once, then stilled, unwilling to draw attention. The page had not changed in several minutes. He told himself this was because the light was wrong, because the heat made concentration difficult, because the cicadas were loud. None of these explanations held.

Below the deck on the large grassy lawn, Sirius and James were throwing a football back and forth, the ball slicing cleanly through the air in confident arcs. James had discarded his shirt within minutes of stepping outside. Regulus noticed this against his will. He had also unwillingly noticed the easy roll of his tanned shoulders as he caught the ball. The way sunlight caught on the line of his collarbone, the taught way his muscles flexed as he jumped for the ball. It was, Regulus told himself firmly, an objective observation. Like noting the weather. Like acknowledging a well-built statue. It did not require further thought. He stared at the page. Turned it. Realised he had not read the last one either.

James laughed, the sound warm and unguarded as he rolled into a catch, laying on his back in the grass. “Are you unable to throw straight Padfoot? Shall I go wide and you keep throwing what you believe tob be straight passes?”

“Fuck you Prongs! You keep bloody moving!” Sirius shouted back, doubling over as James launched the ball at his stomach.

“That’s kind of the game!” James roared, laughing, face broad and beaming as he stood up and began running. He jumped for the ball, his fingertips snatching it from the air and pulling it tight into his body. Regulus looked down. He wasn’t watching. He wasn’t.

“Go long!” Sirius called, backing up, feet moving quickly across the grass and pausing, stance wide.

James laughed again. Regulus felt it like a disturbance in still water. He adjusted the book on his knees, trying to anchor himself in the familiar weight of it. His focus skidded anyway, dragged outward by movement and sound and the sheer presence of James Potter occupying space loudly. So much for Mr I Can Be So Quiet. Yeah right. The football went wide, thudding once against the grass before rolling to a stop near the deck. James jogged after it, slowing as he came closer. Regulus felt the shift before he saw it. The sensation of being noticed, sharp and immediate.

He looked up.

James stood a few metres away, football tucked under his arm, chest rising and falling from exertion, hair damp with sweat. Their eyes met. The moment stretched, elastic and precarious, long enough for Regulus to register the colour of James’ eyes in full daylight, the curiosity within them. Long enough to feel something tighten in his chest.

Regulus broke it first, gaze snapping back to the page, jaw setting defiantly.

When he glanced up again, James was back on the far side of the grass, launching another pass in Sirius’ direction. A moment later, footsteps approached from the house. Lily emerged onto the deck and dropped onto the sofa beside him with a sigh, legs stretched out in front of her. She wore a bathing suit and a wrap, tied neatly around her. A floppy hat covered most of her face in speckled shade. Regulus startled, book tilting precariously before he caught it.

“Good view,” Lily said, leaning back, eyes drifting out over the water.

Regulus nodded automatically. “What?” he said too quickly, fumbling.

She glanced at him, amused. “The lake,” she clarified.

“Oh.” Regulus flushed, heat blooming up his neck. He forced himself to look where she was looking, at the sweep of blue, the way the sun fractured across the surface. “Yeah. Stunning.”

Lily smiled, satisfied, and settled in beside him. Regulus exhaled slowly, grateful for the interruption and unsettled by it all the same. “What are you reading?”

“Oh.” He said again. “Dorian Gray. Its one of my favourites.”

Lily looked at the cover curiously. “I’ve never heard of it. Could I borrow it, when you’re done? I’m very careful with books.” She assured him.

Regulus paused. Unsure whether to grab the olive branch. He opened his mouth, closed it and nodded, an almost smile coming over him. “Of course. I should be done with it by tomorrow.”

“Awesome.” She beamed, opening her puzzle book. “It is incredible here, isn’t it? Are you going to come out on the water with us soon?”

Regulus shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m not really a fan of… all that.”

“You should come!” She squeaked. “Come on, we’ll have a blast.”

“Maybe.” He said. It almost sounded like a promise. Then he looked back at James who was tackling Sirius, rolling on top of him on the grass, cackling as he wrestled the ball off him and took off towards the water, sprinting down the jetty and launching himself off the end.

Lily giggled. Admiringly. “Idiots. How have I ended up friends with these two?”

“I have no idea. You seem far too intelligent to be hanging out with such prats.” Regulus quipped, smirking.

Lily sighed. “Well, gosh someone has to care for them. Imagine what trouble they’d be in if I hadn’t been there to drag them back to our dorms by their ears every night?” she shook her head, writing another word in her crossword and sighing.

“At least you’re not related to one of them.” Regulus drawled. Lily laughed. It sounded genuine. Regulus smiled.

*****

            Regulus had no idea what triggered it. But one moment he was sat on the couch, reading, the next he was bolting for the stairs, his chest tightening with panic, his legs failing to work with every staggered step. Everyone was outside on the grass having lunch on large picnic blankets. He’d refused, said he wasn’t hungry and now, barely ten minutes later, he was having a fully-fledged panic attack. He sank to a sitting position on the stairs, back against the wall, somewhere on the way up his book had fallen out of his hands. He faintly heard it clunk down the wooden steps. But the world sounded muffled, like he was underwater, and what was worse was that he couldn’t get any air into his lungs. Perhaps he really was drowning? Was this a dream? Was he drowning? Is this how he would die? His chest tightened, he was light-headed. His fingers felt numb. Regulus couldn’t move.

Then he was there. James Potter. Crouching in front of him.

“Regulus? Are you alright? What happened?” He sounded concerned. He looked concerned. Regulus couldn’t speak, he glanced wide-eyed down the stairs, back up, then settled on James’ face. He tried to suck in a breath, but nothing happened. James didn’t wait for an answer. Clearly, one look at Regulus’ face told him everything he needed to know. The colour had drained from him, his eyes were too bright, too unfocused, his chest stuttering shallowly. “Hey,” James said gently, already moving. “You’re okay. I’ve got you.”

He slid an arm behind Regulus’ shoulders and another under his knees and before Regulus could protest, James was lifting him with careful steadiness. He didn’t have a choice but to let himself be moved, hands clutching weakly at James’ shirt. James carried him up onto the landing, away from the edge of the stairs, lowering them both to the floor so Regulus’ back was supported on the wall, his legs safely folded underneath him.

“Alright, you’re off the stairs.” James murmured, settling in front of him, close but not crowding him. “You’re not going anywhere. Look at me, okay?”.

Regulus’ gaze found him, desperate.

“Good,” James said softly. He took Regulus’ hands. James’ were grounding, warm. Regulus felt himself move slightly towards his body, almost out of the limbo he was trapped in. “We’re gonna breathe together. Just follow me.” James exaggerated the motion, slow and deliberate. “In,” he said quietly, drawing a breath. “Two, three.”

Regulus tried. Air caught halfway, chest spasming. His eyes widened and he coughed, his heart thundered.

“That’s okay,” James said immediately, unwavering. “That’s fine. Try again. I’m right here.” James soothed, squeezing his hands. “In,” James repeated, steady as the lake on a calm morning. “And out. Good. Again.”

Over and over. In. Out. James counted softly, anchoring the rhythm, never letting his voice rise, never rushing. Regulus’ breaths came jagged at first, shuddering, uneven, but gradually and painfully, they began to deepen. His grip on James’ hands loosened, then tightened again, like he was afraid of drifting away.

“That’s it,” James said, quiet pride threading through his tone. “You’re doing so well. Keep going.”

Regulus’ chest finally drew in a full breath, then another, the panic receding in slow, reluctant waves. His head tipped forward, forehead brushing James’ shoulder as he sucked in air. His body trembled. James didn’t move. He stayed, solid and present, until Regulus’ breathing had reliably steadied.

“There you go,” James murmured. “You did it.”

Regulus pulled back abruptly, shame flooding in where fear had been. “I…I’m sorry,” he said hoarsely, words tripping over each other. “I didn’t mean…”

“It’s okay,” James said at once.

But Regulus was already retreating, pulling his hands free, scrambling to his feet with more urgency than balance. He couldn’t meet James’ eyes.

“I’m fine,” he said, too quickly. “I just… I need to go…”

And then he was gone, disappearing down the hall toward his bedroom. Regulus slammed the door behind him, pressing his back against it as if that could keep the world at bay. The room smelled faintly of cedar from the floorboards and faintly of James’ lingering scent. His chest heaved, his hands were still shaking slightly as he leant against the door.

“Fuck.” He whispered, pacing, trying not to let himself panic again, but God was it hard. James had… James was… “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” He’d just had a panic attack on James Bloody Potter. He had just clung to James Potter. James Potter had just grounded him. Regulus paced, hands on the back of his head, tears streaking his cheeks. “Fuck!” he yelled into the room.

For the first time, he wished he’d gone to France. At least he’d know what to expect. At least his parent’s behaviour was predictable. He knew the dangers. He could curb them. Deal with them. Cope. What the fuck was this? What the fuck? Regulus paced and paced and ended up on the bathroom floor, crammed between the toilet and the shower, crowded in. Safe.

            He hugged his knees, rocking slightly, trying to calm the tremors. But a strange warmth lingered where James’ hands had been on his own. Not embarrassing warmth, but safe warmth. Anchoring warmth. Regulus couldn’t deny that part of him had clung to it, that part of him had found relief in someone else’s steadiness. Then the sound of his bedroom door opening startled him.

“Reggie?”

Sirius. He exhaled. “Salle de bain.” Bathroom.

Sirius appeared in the door and crouched down in front of him. “Reggie,” he breathed, looking worried.

“J’ai eu une putain de crise de panique.” Regulus groaned. “Sur ton meilleur ami.” Had a fucking panic attack. On your best friend.

“Je sais. Il me l’a dit.” Sirius sat, crossing his legs. “Ça va ?” I know. He told me. Are you okay?

“Non.” Regulus pouted. “J’ai honte.” No. I’m embarrassed.

“Ça va.” That’s okay.

“Non, ça va pas, Siri !” Regulus put his head in his hands. “Je suis mortifié.” No it’s not, Siri! I’m mortified. Then he switched to English. “I have to leave. I can never show my face down there again.”

“Don’t be silly.” Sirius chuckled. “James was just worried about you. He’s a nice guy, Reg.”

Regulus scoffed, pulling a wad of toilet paper off the roll and blowing his nose. “I still can’t show my face.”

“Regulus. You’re being dramatic.”

“Fuck off.”

“No. You’re bloody stuck with me, no matter how hard you try to push me away.” Sirius settled into his perch pointedly. “Do you want to talk about what triggered it?”

“I don’t know what it was, Sirius.” Regulus shrugged. “Just happened all at once.”

They were quiet. “Do you want me to stay?

Regulus shook his head. “I want to go to sleep.”

“Okay.” Sirius smiled sadly and stood up, pulling his little brother up with him. “Dors bien, Reggie.”

            Then Regulus was alone. He pulled the decorative pillows off his bed and climbed under the covers, pulling them over his head. How had he let this happen? Why had it happened? The panic had arrived without warning, like a storm. He hadn’t even been thinking, hadn’t been worried about anything in particular, just reading, just sitting. And then boom he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move, couldn’t think.

His chest still felt tight, but the acute panic was gone. Still, he couldn’t stop the flush of shame crawling up his neck. That anyone, especially James, had seen him like that. He buried his face in his knees again, promising himself he would never let anyone see him lose control like that again. Not Sirius, not James, not anyone. And yet part of him couldn’t stop thinking about how it had felt, the quiet steadiness of James’ voice, the guiding, the patience. That part of him didn’t want to let go. Sleep soon took him, and his body finally relaxed.

The sound of knocking woke him hours later. He sat up and staggered to the door, still half asleep, opening it hesitantly and freezing. James Potter stood on the other side with a plate of food and a furrowed brow.

“Hey.” James said, kindly. “I thought you might be hungry, and I wanted to check if you were okay.”

“I’m not. Hungry. I mean… ‘m not hungry.” Regulus said quickly, staring at the food. His stomach grumbled.

“Sure.” James said, unconvinced. He thrust the plate to Regulus who tentatively took it.

“Thanks.” He managed.

“Anytime.” James said just as softly. “Oh, here.” He said, handing out Regulus’ book. The one that had fallen down the stairs. Regulus took it. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Thanks again, for… you know.” He couldn’t look at him.

“No thanks needed. I hope I helped?” James shifted from foot to foot.

Regulus risked looking up and instantly regretted it. His eyes locked with those deep hazel ones, filled with concern. He looked down quickly. “No, yeah. You helped. A lot. Thanks.”

A stagnant pause. “Well. I’ll leave you to it. If you need anything else, just ask. Okay?”

“Yeah. Sure.” Regulus said quietly. When James turned and crossed the hall to his own room, Regulus closed the door and let out a deep shuddering breath. “Fuck.” He whispered.

            Then he walked slowly back to bed and climbed in. He looked down at the plate and slowly but surely, picked his way through all of it. Afterwards, he felt better. Then he went back to sleep.

*****

Regulus was embarrassed. So much so that he skipped breakfast the next day, and was planning on skipping lunch too, just to hide away from having to face the fact that he’d had a full blown panic attack which everyone certainly knew about by now. He texted Pandora.

I’m still in my room.

She replied almost instantly. Reg just go down there, I promise no one will be judging you.

How do I face Sirius’ idiot friends after having a full on break down on one of them. Theres no way he hasn’t told the rest of them about it. He chewed on his fingernail. An awful habit, one his mother would scold him for.

Is he that unkind? Pandora texted back, with a sad face emoji.

Regulus shrugged as if she could see him and sat down on the plush carpet at the foot of the bed, leaning back against it. Because no. James was not at all unkind. Regulus couldn’t imagine he’d have taken the piss out of him over something like that. Not after the way he reacted. The way he picked Regulus up. Counted his breathing. Brought him food later on. Returned his book. No. Regulus was just embarrassed. His problem, not James’.

You cannot sit in that room all summer. Pandora sent.

In the same second, another text came through from his brother. You cannot sit in that room for seven more weeks!

Regulus shoved his phone in his pocket and ignored the both of them. He most certainly could, and stubbornly now he would. His stupor was cut short though, when a knock came at his bedroom door.

“Come in.” He grumbled, assuming it was Sirius, but froze when James’ head poked around the door.

“Hey.” He said, clearing his throat.

Regulus swallowed, drawing his knees in tighter. “Hey.” He imitated.

“We’re going to hike round to one of the beaches this afternoon. You’re welcome to join, but no pressure. The house will be empty when we’re out, if you wanted to come down and have some time to yourself?” James offered, stepping into the room, holding the door with one hand.

“I don’t feel up to hiking. But I’ll be down soon.” Regulus said, jaw tight, holding James’ gaze.

“Alright.” James nodded. “I don’t want to overstep, but how are you doing?”

“I’m fine.” Regulus snapped defensively.

“Okay.” James nodded. “Good.” He said tightly and backed out of the room, closing the door quietly without another word. He felt guilty for snapping at him, but he really didn’t feel like unloading all his baggage on a guy he’d known for week, who also happened to be his brother’s best friend.

            Regulus gave it an hour before he hauled himself off the floor and dared to venture out in the corridor. To creep softly down the stairs, and sigh in relief at the sight of an empty house. He walked the length of the house, peering into rooms, just to double check. No one. He stepped out onto the deck. It was hot, even hotter than the day before. Sinking to the floor, he sat with his legs hanging off the decking, watching the boats zip along the lake and took out his phone, sending Pandora a victory text.

I made it downstairs.

Then he pocketed his phone.

The house felt conscious when it was empty.  Not in a peaceful way, but in a way that made Regulus acutely aware of himself. Of his footsteps. Of his breathing. Of the fact that he did not belong here, no matter how welcoming his hosts were. He moved carefully, as if the walls might notice him, might ask him what right he had to be wandering. Sunlight flooded the back of the house, pooling on the floors. It all felt too open. Too generous. Regulus kept his arms close to his sides as he explored. He drifted into the kitchen, eyes skimming over the counters, the sink, the wide island where everyone gathered in the mornings. Evidence of life lingered. A mug left out. A folded dish towel. A faint smell of sugar and butter. On the counter sat a plate.

Cookies.

Sugar cookies, pale and cracked, dusted lightly with sugar. They were covered with a paper towel, and tucked underneath the plate was a piece of paper, folded once. Regulus stopped short, heart stuttering. He looked around, irrationally, as if he might be caught reading something not meant for him. Reaching for the paper, he carefully unfolded it.

Regulus.
Sugar cookies always make me feel better.

J.

His throat tightened. The gesture was so small. No explanation. No pressure. No watching to see if he took one. Just an offering, left quietly and expecting nothing in return. Regulus sat at the island, hands folded in his lap, staring at the plate. He did not touch the cookies. Not yet. But he stayed there longer than he meant to, letting the warmth of the kitchen and the simplicity of the note settle into him. For the first time, the house felt a little less like it was rejecting him and a little more like it was making room.

The kindness of the note felt misplaced, like it had been left for someone else by mistake. He sat for a moment, fingers worrying the edge of the paper, before carefully folding it again and sliding it into the pocket of his hoodie. The he reached for a cookie. His hand hesitated, the familiar tension curling through his stomach. He chose the smallest one, breaking it gently in half. Crumbs dusted the counter. He ate slowly, methodically. They were good. That was undeniable. Regulus carried the other half of the cookie with him as he left the kitchen, heart pounding softly now. As he climbed the stairs, his steps slowed when he reached the landing. The spot where it had happened. His chest tightened reflexively, breath hitching. The memory rose unbidden. The wall at his back. The floor cold beneath him. The panic. James’ hands. His voice counting him through each breath.

Regulus closed his eyes.

In. Out.

Again.

The moment passed.

He swallowed, steadied himself, and continued down the hall to his room, the cookie warm in his hand and the note a comforting weight. James didn’t need to do that. Didn’t need to be so nice to him. Its not like he owed him anything, if anything it was the other way around. Regulus felt his face flush as the embarrassment swept back over him. He took another bite of the cookie and leant against his closed bedroom door. James was right, he did feel somewhat better. Just a little bit.

Chapter Text

Chapter Six

“You’re coming with us.” Sirius announced, bursting into his bedroom.

Regulus rolled his eyes from where he sat on the window seat, looking out over the driveway where James and his father were stacking firewood in the log store. James was shirtless. Regulus wasn’t looking.

“No. I’m not.” He said absently.

“Yes.” Sirius grabbed him by the ankle and pulled him off the bench, forcing Regulus to hop after him, screeching. “You are coming, Regulus! If I have to drag you the entire way there!”

“Sirius get the fuck off me or I swear to god I will gut you!” Regulus swiped at him but his brother was stupidly quick.

“Get changed. Bring swimming stuff.  We’re not walking far, just to the next beach. Moony is coming too. Bring your book if you must!” he released his little brother and clapped aggressively. “Dépêche toi!” Hurry Up!

“Fine!” Regulus shouted back, sticking his middle finger up as his brother as he started to pack his things. No, he didn’t much want to go, but sitting around was becoming very boring, very quickly, and at least if he was sat at a beach, he’d be able to enjoy the view of a shirtless James. Fuck. Regulus paled, suddenly far too warm. Did he enjoy shirtless James? Was this something he enjoyed now?! “Someone fucking sedate me.” He grumbled and searched for his swimming stuff.

The path along the shoreline was narrow and soft underfoot, pine needles cushioning each step as the lake glimmered through gaps in the trees. It wasn’t a long hike, more of a wandering walk than anything else, but Regulus still lagged slightly behind the others, content to let them move ahead of him. Remus walked slowly, leaning on his crutch, his free hand entwined with Sirius’. James and Lily walked ahead. Regulus pulled his bag higher up on his shoulder and glanced through the trees at the water. It sparkled invitingly under the midday sun. The air was warm, heavy with summer, and the sound of water followed them as they wound through the narrow woodland path, offering occasional sneaky peaks through the branches as the dazzling blue water. The beach revealed itself unexpectedly, the trees opening out broadly in a matter of feet, tucked away and private, a small crescent of pale sand framed by rocks and trees.

Towels were dropped in a loose sprawl, bags were kicked aside. Regulus lowered himself onto his own towel, knees drawn up briefly before he stretched out, his book abandoned somewhere beside him. Then he observed the others. James didn’t hesitate, the idiot barely left enough time to dump his things in a pile beside Regulus before he was moving. He shed his shirt in one easy motion and ran straight for the water, laughter already breaking free as he hit the lake and disappeared beneath the surface. Lily whooped and followed moments later, splashing in after him with none of his theatrical grace, her red hair shimmering shades of orange in the sunlight. Regulus watched, carefully casual, eyes tracking James only when he thought no one was looking.

It was stupid. He knew it was stupid. James was loud and unfiltered, and irritating and Regulus was sure that all of this he did deliberately. And yet, ever since the day of the panic attack, ever since the way James had looked at him, carried him, Regulus hadn’t been able to shift those honey hazel eyes from his mind. Those strong arms. The solid mass of him. The calmness. The way he had grounded him, brought him down quicker than anyone had ever before. Regulus had become dangerously intrigued, and embarrassingly desperate for those arms to hold him again, for those eyes to lock onto his own and tell him to breathe. Quite frankly, it was awful. Regulus hated himself for it. The way his own mind had betrayed him so. Because this was a ridiculous fantasy, some stupid, teenage crush. It had to end, he had to get a grip of himself because this was not sustainable, nor was it something he could pursue.

Regulus swallowed, gaze dropping just as James surfaced, hair slicked back, water running down his shoulders in the sun. There was something loose about him here, something unguarded, even more brazen than usual. Regulus felt a faint, unwelcome tightening in his chest and shifted on his towel, annoyed with himself. How had he let himself develop a stupid childish crush on none other than his brother’s best friend?! On James Bloody Potter of all people!

In the shallows, Sirius and Remus waded slowly, hands brushing, then tangling, laughter soft and private. They kissed chastely, foreheads pressed together as if the world had narrowed to just the two of them. Regulus rolled his eyes instinctively, an old reflex, heat prickling behind them. Sickening. But such feelings were fleeting. He warmed then, in his gut, because at the end of the day, his brother was smiling. Truly smiling. Remus leaned into him like he belonged there, like he’d never been afraid of taking up space beside Sirius. Regulus looked away, lips pressed together, something gentle and complicated settling in his chest. Sirius hadn’t told their parents about Remus. Hell, neither he nor Regulus were even out to them. That wasn’t an option in that house. No wonder Sirius wished to summer here, with James’ perfect family. Regulus dreaded the day his parents would inevitably find out, because they both knew the outcome. Sirius would be disowned. God forbid they find out that Regulus was the same way inclined. They couldn’t disown both of them, could they? Due to their parent’s old fashioned views and personal vendetta, Regulus hadn’t ever dared explore any of his feelings for any of the guys he’d been attracted to. For the same reason that he hated eating too much, hated being too loud, hated to seem as if he were in the way. His parents simply would not approve. His mother would skin him alive in the street. So, as he watched his brother, happy, kissing Remus, all gooey and in love, he wondered when judgement day would come for them. What Sirius would do, when it came to it. What Regulus would do, when the inevitable shit storm made landfall.

He let his gaze drift back to the lake, to James and Lily splashing farther out, squawking with laughter. Dunking each other. Simply enjoying their time. Regulus watched the tall, tanned, beautiful man in the water and his stomach knotted itself anxiously. James’ back muscles flexed as he splashed Lily, lifting her and throwing her into the water. God he looked good. Fuck. Regulus thought. This was bad. He attempted forced himself to read, or pretend to at least, to keep his eyes downcast and as far away from that flawless brown skin as possible… until he noticed movement, at the water’s edge at first, but closer now. He couldn’t help himself. He looked up. James emerged from the shallows with all the grace of a buffalo. He bounded up the sand, dripping and laughing, and before Regulus could so much as lift a hand in protest, James shook himself like an animal all over him. Cold lake water sprayed everywhere.

“Fucking hell!” Regulus yelped, jerking back. “Potter, you absolute menace. Get away from me.”

James only grinned unapologetically, eyes bright as he plopped down beside him, damp and unbothered, sand sticking to his skin. “You’re welcome.”

“Prick,” Regulus muttered, swiping uselessly at the water on his sleeve. “You’re insufferable.”

“Mm,” James said, clearly pleased. He leaned back on his hands, stretching out, entirely too close. Regulus became painfully aware of the heat coming off him, the smell of lake water and sun and something distinctly James. He forced himself to stare resolutely ahead. He drew his knees up to his chest again.

James glanced sideways at him. “I’m really glad you came with us, you know.”

Regulus blinked. “I was dragged.”

“Still,” James said lightly. “I’m glad.”

Regulus huffed, noncommittal. “Maybe keep that to yourself.”

James laughed, undeterred. “You should swim. The water’s perfect. I swear.”

“No.”

“Just to your knees?”

“No.”

“Ankles?”

“No, James.”

“Suit yourself.” James tilted his head, studying him, smile softening but not fading. “You don’t have to,” he said easily. “I just thought I’d ask.”

The way he backed down caught Regulus off guard. He shifted, fingers digging into the towel. “I’m fine here.”

“Alright,” James said, still beaming. “I’ll stay here then.”

Regulus frowned. “You’ll get cold.”

James shrugged and his eyes moved slowly up to meet Regulus’. “Worth it.”

Regulus said nothing, but looked away quickly. He focused on the sound of the lake, the laughter drifting from the water, trying desperately to ignore the steady presence beside him that refused to leave.

            An hour or so later, they unpacked the picnic, pulling their towels in a small circle, a blanket laid out in the middle. James remained next to Regulus, Lily helped him to pull out all the food, handing out plastic plates and pouring plastic cups of soda, passing them around the circle. Regulus, with his knees still drawn tightly up, crossed his arms and held onto his feet, eyeing the food suspiciously. Everyone helped themselves, filling their plates, laughing gently.

“Can I get you anything?” James asked quietly.

Regulus shook his head. “No, I’m okay.”

“Not even a sugar cookie?” James grinned, making Regulus blush. He just fucking blushed. God. Regulus groaned internally, thoroughly embarrassed. He must look pathetic.

Instead, he forced a smirk. “No, thank you.”

James continued to look at him, Regulus looked away. Conversation buzzed around him. Subtly a slice of baguette appeared on his plate. Regulus picked it up and began quietly nibbling on it. He refused to acknowledge the smile curling James’ lips.

*****

He lay in bed late that evening, texting a group chat he was in with his friends from college. They had all met one another separately, and chaotically, in some twist of fate, ended up all hanging out together one night in their first few months of college and had been inseparable ever since. Apparently, tequila shots and a drag show was the best way to find new friends. Pandora was Regulus’ best friend. They were in most classes together and were practically joined at the hip. They’d agreed to live together for sophomore year and had found the most beautiful little house opposite one of Montreal’s best parks. Consequentially Pandora had been distraught that Regulus wasn’t going to be around for the whole summer. They texted most of the day, every day, usually about nothing, but also about everything.

Then there was Dorcas, who was possibly the most brutally honest person Regulus had ever met, and he loved her for it. Evan, was probably the most level-headed but also likely the most fucked up one out of all of them. He came from money, like Regulus, but his family were seriously strange. He hadn’t seen his parents for three years or some crazy amount of time, and he’d spent his childhood being shipped to different schools around the country. At college, he’d pull wads of cash from his pocket ask if any of them wanted to partake in weirdly specific, chaotic day trips. Like the time he asked whether they wanted to go to Nova Scotia to see an art installation, his treat. Or the time he’d requested they all wear black in protest to the university changing their policy on teaching international politics. But still, he had a heart of gold and would throw himself in front of a bus for any of them. Which Regulus had reminded him constantly that there was no need to do. Ever.

And then there was Barty. Barty, who was as nuts as a box of frogs. A bonkers as a man who summoned every demon from the pits of hell to live rent free in his head and control his every decision. The guy was unhinged. Regulus loved him for it. He was unapologetically himself, something Regulus had never had the pleasure of being. He was also, just plain fucking crazy. Hair dyed green at the ends, tattoos covering his arms and wearing more chains and collars than could be stored in punk museum. They had met in high school, their first day. Regulus had heard someone picking on a girl in his year, screaming insults at her, shoving her, and without hesitation he put himself between her and them, the group of asshole seniors. They exchanged smirks and quips and were about to include Regulus in their attack when Barty showed up, brilliantly unhinged Barty who screamed like a banshee and terrified the lot of them. Then the green haired boy had grinned and turned to Regulus, a hand outstretched and introduced himself. And since that day, Regulus had never managed to shake him. Not that he’d ever wanted to. Barty knew him. Better than anyone else, better than anyone could ever imagine. They held one another’s trauma, and painted it with humour. 

But despite their quirks and craziness, he adored each and every one of them. Which was possibly why they had been the first people he’d come out to, even before Sirius, who he’d told Christmas of freshman year, after Sirius had told him that he was seeing Remus. His college friends were the first people who he knew wouldn’t care when he told them he was gay. Wouldn’t care who he wanted to fuck or who he wanted to be. They just enjoyed his company. When he informed them, that he liked guys, that the thought of being with a girl disgusted him. And clarified that no offence to anyone who did want to sleep with girls, to which Pandora had just said, no offence taken, and Regulus had laughed, like he’d never laughed before. And that was it. Best friends. They were everything to him.

The group chat pinged again, and the conversation turned to focus on Regulus.

Barty: So… How’s summer in the wilderness with your brother and his merry band of idiots?

Regulus replied with a snort of indifference. I am surrounded by jocks and extroverts and trees.

Dorcas: Tragic. Are any of them hot?

Regulus replied quickly. Correction. He lied, quickly.  No.

Pandora: Liar

Barty: Didn’t you say the house belonged to Sirius’ QB bestie?

Pandora: I’ve heard he’s hot

Regulus typed quickly. If he wasn’t careful, he’d never hear the end of this. He’s loud. That’s it.

Barty: That’s not an answer Reggieeeee!

Regulus deflected. He owns too many sleeveless shirts. He rolled over onto his side, facing the window which looked up to the road.

Dorcas: That still sounds hot…

He typed back sarcastically. It’s actually deeply unappealing. Truthfully he only hated the way James’ biceps in those stupid shirts made his stomach flip like a box of bloody butterflies.

Barty: One sec

The group chat was silent for a couple of minutes.

Barty: I have stalked his Instagram

Evan: Oh no

[Barty attached: 16 photos]

“Jesus Fucking Christ.” Regulus muttered as he opened them. He hadn’t actually found James’ Instagram, and now he wished he hadn’t. None of these shirtless, football jersey, beach, skiing, Christmas, dimples photos were going to do anything positive for his schoolboy crush. Blood rushed southward and he locked his phone fearfully. “Fuck.”

His phone buzzed.

Barty: This man is a Greek god worthy of worship and/or ritual sacrifice

Regulus reddened, and pushed the covers off himself. He was too hot. This room was too small. And his friends would never, ever drop this. He typed quickly.  Absolutely not! He’s an arrogant prick! But that simply wasn’t true… sang a little voice in his head.

Pandora: Reggie.

Dorcas: Reggie.

Regulus pouted. He got out of bed and began to pace. You are all being dramatic.

Barty: Fuck me though, look at him! He has forearms you could write poetry about! Tell me you’ve seen the football ones!

Regulus replied, offended. I do not look at his forearms!

Pandora: Ah! But you didn’t deny that they exist and that they are magnificent.

Regulus: They exist in the same way trees exist. I do not care for them.

Lies lies lies lies lies lies lies.

Regulus despised himself. He was glaring at his phone now. I will be blocking all of you.

Barty: Trees don’t usually look that good shirtless

Regulus typed his reply before he really considered what he was sending. He is shirtless far too often tbf.

Dorcas: So you HAVE noticed!

He tried to save it. Against my will!

Pandora: Do you like him??????

Regulus was practically sweating. No.

Barty: Do you like like him?

Dorcas: Come on Reg! You never tell us who you like! It would be a sin not to fancy the pants off this guy even a little bit!

Dorcas often said weird shit like that, But Regulus mostly just put it down to the fact that she was British.

Regulus: I will throw my phone into the lake

Evan: That feels like a yes-adjacent reaction

Regulus tried to save himself, but they already had the bone. Knowing his friends, they were going to run with it. I am simply enduring eight weeks of hell

Barty: Is it hell because he makes you incredible hard with his shirtlessness?

Pandora: Enduring hell with a Greek god must be so difficult.

Regulus groaned, throwing himself back onto his bed. I hate all of you

Barty: We love you too bby!

            Regulus locked his phone and ignored the subsequent messages that pinged through. He glanced outside before drawing the blinds. It was pitch black now, a little after eleven in the evening. His phone continued to buzz on the bed but he ignored it. Barty was probably just being vulgar. Leaving it there, he left his room and made his way along the corridor, rubbing his eyes with the balls of his hands and entirely failing to look where he was going, until he walked straight into something solid, and warm. Something that apologised instantly.

“Sorry!” James said, sidestepping around him, then chuckled. Regulus almost dissolved. “Nearly wiped you out!”

“Its fine.” Regulus said, stepping away, reddening. He tried to make a swift exit.

“Hey,” James said, calling him back. Regulus paused and turned, folding his arms across his middle. “I had fun today.”

Regulus just nodded. “Good for you.”

There was a moment of silence. “Did you? I mean, are you glad you came with us?” James asked, leaning against the wall, arms bulging through his long-sleeved running shirt. Evidently, he’d been in the home gym. Regulus averted his eyes. He looked awfully good. Fucking hell.

“Sure.” He said tightly.

James grinned and nodded once, firmly. “Good.” He paused. “So… tomorrow? Boat?”

“Dream on Potter.” Regulus scoffed and turned, padding quickly down the stairs, not daring to wait for a reply. He didn’t stop until he was in the kitchen, grabbing a glass and pouring himself a pint of water. He hoped James would be gone by the time he went back upstairs. But as he turned off the tap, he had a sinking feeling that the idiot was not in his room.

“What do you want, Potter?” Regulus sighed, turning to face him. James stood by the sofas, hands shoved in his pockets. It seemed everyone else had gone to bed.

“Just wanted to check in. See how you were doing. After…”

“I’m fine.” He said sharply. “Unbeknownst to you, that wasn’t my first panic attack, and it likely won’t be my last. So put it out of your mind because I get along just fine.”

James nodded, lifting a hand to his hair, rubbing the back of his head. But still, he didn’t leave.

“What?” Regulus said with a roll of his eyes, the glass of water cold in his hand, anchoring him.

James shrugged. “Have you ever, talked to anyone, about them?”

Regulus frowned, opened his mouth to reply but found he had nothing to say. No. he hadn’t. But who was James Potter to identify that for him? “I don’t believe that is any of your business.” He said instead.

“Point taken.” James nodded, backing away subconsciously. “But, if you do, you know. Want to talk about it, I’m always here. If you want though… no pressure.”

Their eyes met briefly, then Regulus looked away, out the window at the full moon sitting low over the lake. He swallowed a dry mouth, took a sip of water and tried to still the tingling in his fingers. “I won’t. I’m fine.”

“Okay. Well, goodnight.” James nodded, retreating. Regulus didn’t reply, nor did he watch him go. Only when he was sure James was gone, did he make his way back upstairs to his room, climb into bed and scroll through the forty-six texts on the group chat, trying his best not to think about what had just been offered to him.

Chapter Text

Chapter Seven

Two weeks into summer, Regulus found himself down at the jetty early one morning with Lily. They’d both risen with the sun and had come across one another in the kitchen making coffee. It had been Lily’s idea really, and usually, Regulus would have adamantly declined, but something about that morning felt different. The sun was already high, the heat of the day already burning through the nightly chill. But more than that, Regulus felt lighter, he was starting to actually enjoy his time out here, James parents’ were kind, the house was beautiful. The mornings always felt suspended, as if he had all the time in the world to enjoy simply existing. Without his family, without their condescension. The house always felt tranquil, but this early,  it helped that no one else was up. It was just him, and Lily Evans, who was about as threatening as an earthworm. So, it might have been said feeling of equanimity that made Regulus more amenable to such proposals. Lily had suggested they go for a swim. Well, she had suggested they jump off the jetty, then go for a swim. Regulus had hesitated, answering with silence before thinking, why the fuck not? Uncharacteristically, he agreed. And that is how they ended up running across the lawn down to the water, towels cast neatly over their shoulders which they then left at the end of the jetty, along with their shoes.

“You first.” Regulus said, shivering slightly, despite having kept his t-shirt on, and despite the already comfortable heat. Maybe it was nerves. They walked to the end of the jetty. The water looked black this early, the sun was still rising behind the house. The mist on the water on the far side of the lake hadn’t yet lifted.

“You’ll follow?”

Regulus nodded.

“I don’t believe you Reg.” Lily said with a mischievous grin, the shortening of his name had happened overnight, as if she had simply decided that Regulus was now her friend. He didn’t correct her, he was rather fond of the red head. “Hold my hand, we go together, or not at all.”

Regulus was beginning to think not at all was the best option, but Lily’s hand was outstretched and she was smiling brightly at him, and he couldn’t refuse. So, with a deep breath, he took her hand and they leapt off the end of the jetty into the chilly morning ink of the lake. They let out gasps and squeals of shock which quickly folded into laughter, treading water as they tried to acclimatise.

“Its fucking freezing!” Regulus squawked, grinning as he began to swim backwards, turning over in the water and pushing himself through it. Despite the cold, it felt incredible, how had he let himself miss out on two weeks of this? Stubbornness. He considered, regretfully. He was incredibly stubborn.

“Its refreshing! Its good for us!” Lily giggled, following him. “Couldn’t you just stay here forever?”

Regulus’ t-shirt clung to his skin as he swam out, pausing and floating on his back, looking up at a clear sky, soft streaks of gold stretching across the blue as the sun continued to climb from the horizon, aiming for the highest point. Lily appeared beside him, floating on her back too, red hair drifting around her head like a halo, reflecting the sunlight, her skin just as pale as Regulus’. Apparently neither of them were very successful at tanning.

“Gosh I never want to go back to college. I want to live here as a water nymph and bask in the sunshine every day.” She sighed, rolling onto her stomach and swimming a small circle. Gosh, Regulus thought, Pandora would love her.

“I think I’d miss the city.” Regulus said thoughtfully.

“Yeah?” she asked. “City over country?”

“If I had to choose. Definitely.” Regulus nodded, swimming back towards the jetty slowly. She followed.

“What’s Montreal like? I’ve never been. I grew up in BC, in this tiny town. Toronto is the first place I’ve ever been to.”

Regulus raised an eyebrow. “Wow, that’s a big move.”

She shrugged, holding onto the ladder on the jetty beside him. “Couldn’t just stay there my whole life. Don’t regret it one bit.”

Regulus nodded, absorbing. “Montreal is awesome.” He said with a smile. “But I’ve lived there all my life. I’ve been to France and places like that. London. Belgium. But, Montreal is my favourite.”

“Wow, you are well travelled indeed, you speak French I assume?”

“Oui Madame,” Regulus said silkily. “But my brother pretends he can’t speak a word. He lies.” Regulus rolled his eyes. “He is fluent.”

“The lying bastard.” Lily giggled.

Regulus nodded in agreement then he pulled himself up onto the ladder. “I’m freezing.”

“Coffee?”

“Sounds delightful.” He smiled, teeth chattering. It was weird. This was nice? To have someone who resembled a friend… to not feel entirely alone even amongst people who would consider him a friend. He felt like he could actually talk to Lily, felt like she would genuinely listen. She reminded him of Pandora, perhaps that was why he felt so drawn to her. Thinking about it they’d probably get along exceptionally well. Regulus wrapped his towel around him, and shoved his feet back into his shoes then followed the red head back up across the lawn.

            From then on, this became a routine. Each morning, he’d swim, sometimes Lily would join him, other times he’d swim alone, then he’d change, make a coffee and wait for the rest of the house to wake. Towards the end of the third week at the lake, he rose one morning to swim, but when he reached the kitchen, he found the bifold doors already open, and spotted James on the grass lying on a yoga mat, weights lying either side of him as he easily sped through a set of sit ups. Regulus lingered, watching him. Debating whether to go back upstairs and pretend he wasn’t up yet, or to breeze right past him and make a run for the lake. But option two came with the risk of Potter following him. So, frozen to indecision, he watched the guy workout. Air pods in, focussed breathing ragged. He hadn’t noticed Regulus at all. Regulus lingered longer than he meant to, mouth slightly open, eyes entirely too fixed.

James moved with ease, body folding and unfolding with practiced rhythm, breath steady, jaw set in concentration. Sweat darkened the collar of his t-shirt, the fabric clinging briefly before falling away again. Regulus hated that he noticed details like that now. Hated that his eyes traced lines he had no business memorising. This was stupid, he told himself firmly. He shook out his shoulders, and turned on his heel, striding through the open doors before he could change his mind. Gravel crunched underfoot as he headed straight for the lake, gaze fixed forward, pace clipped.

“Hey! Reg!”

“What?” Regulus shot back without stopping, at this point he was practically running away from him.

“What’re you doing?” James asked, already pushing himself upright, voice bright with curiosity.

Regulus didn’t look at him. “None of your business.”

There was hesitation. Then, unmistakable excitement. “Are you swimming?”

Regulus sighed, he’d been caught. “Yes.”

“Can I join you?” James sounded hopeful.

Regulus hesitated, looking back at him, at the soft rise and fall of his shoulders under a sheen of sweat, then huffed. “If you must.”

James didn’t even pretend to play it cool. Regulus heard him scrambling after him, footsteps thudding as he caught up. Regulus waded into the water, the fabric of his t-shirt darkening as it soaked through. The lake was cold enough to bite, grounding, and he pushed forward, swimming out with long, efficient strokes, focusing on the chill, soon overcome by the steadiness of his breath. Behind him, came a shout. Then the unmistakable splash of a cannonball plummeting off the jetty. James surfaced a moment later, water streaming off him, hair plastered back, grin infuriatingly wide.

“You always do this? Every morning? I’ve never seen you.” James asked intrusively, swimming closer.

Regulus turned his head just enough to acknowledge him. “Yes. Well. Only the past few days really.”

James laughed, swimming closer again. “Wait up. Geez, Black, you’re fast.”

Silence.

“Reg?”

Regulus didn’t answer. He fixed his gaze on the far shore, refusing to look at the way the water rolled off James’ shoulders, the way his grin softened when he realised he was being ignored.

“Regulus.”

“What, Potter?” he snapped, only slightly irritated, in truth he was supressing a smile, swimming away from him to hide it.

“I’m glad Sirius decided to bring you out here this summer.” James floated beside him anyway, following him, undeterred, close but not touching.

“I’m sorry?” He scoffed, glaring.

James tried to recover it. “Sirius, bringing you here. It was a good choice. I’m happy about it?”

“I’m getting out.” Regulus announced, swimming briskly back towards the shore, leaving the golden retriever football player alone in the water. Sirius bring him?! The nerve! How dare he? Fuck James and his perfect fucking symmetrical face and his dimples and his bronzed skin. Fuck him. Insinuating he had to be brought somewhere. Regulus had a brain to make his own decisions, thank you very much. He decided all by himself to come to this stupid lake over going to France. Not Sirius. He didn’t need his brother to make all his decisions for him. Crossly, he wrapped his towel around himself and stomped back up to the house. Maybe he should have picked France after all.

******

Sirius and Remus wanted to go into town for the day, to have some time to themselves so Monty let them borrow the truck and they left after breakfast. Sirius asked Regulus whether he wanted to come, but he refused, his brother deserved some time with his boyfriend without his lonely ass little brother stalking him at all times. Lily and Effie were off to a Pilates by the lake class with the local country club, so they too left shortly after breakfast. Which left Regulus and James in the house, much to Regulus’ distress. How the fuck was he supposed to reject every single suggestion this man was surely going to put forward without sounding like a complete loser? He panicked as he pretended to read, curled on one of the sofas, ignoring the way his phone pinged in his pocket. It was likely the group chat, interrogating him again. Thirsting over James. Teasing him.

“Right boys, I’m going fishing. Jamie, I’m taking the blue truck, so will you two be alright with no transport?”

“Sure thing Pa, we’re not heading out anytime soon. Hope they bite for ya!” James called from the kitchen as his father disappeared into the garage. Regulus shifted, flicking another page. The sofa sank at the other end. He didn’t dare looked up.

“Boat trip?” James asked, well the guy was practically begging.

Regulus lifted his eyes. “What do you think I’m going to say, Potter?”

James grinned, cocking his head to one side, playfully. “Yes?”

“You know, Sirius told me you were smart. I am yet to see evidence of that statement.”

“Smart or not, I can drive a boat.” James grinned. “Please?”

“Why?” Regulus said, shrugging. “Why do you want me to go out on your bloody boat so badly?”

“Because I want you to enjoy your time. I want to show you my favourite spots.” James said, gesturing to the lake.

“This whole begging thing is rather pathetic, Potter. I thought quarterbacks were meant to be aloof? Right now, you’re just giving desperate.” He said wittily, before he’d really thought about the insinuation of his words.

James sat up, withdrawing with a sigh. “Okay. Loud and clear, Black.” Then he stood up and retreated to the kitchen. “I’m taking the boat out anyway. Come. Don’t come. Whatever.” With that he was gone, stalking into the garage, the door swinging closed behind him. Regulus swallowed, analysing James’ reaction. Evidently, he’d struck a nerve. A narrow pang of guilt pulled at his insides. He settled deeper into the sofa and tried to ignore it. Half an hour later Regulus was walking down the garden towards the jetty where James was lifting a cooler and a dry bag into the boat.

“Room for one more?” Regulus said nonchalantly.

James looked up and a smile spread across his face. “Uh, yeah. ‘Course.” He held out his hand and took Regulus’ bag, watching him climb into the boat.

“Just so we are on the same page. If you kill me Potter, I’ll haunt you for the rest of your life. I’ll make sure you fumble every damn play in your career.” He grumbled, sitting down on one of the cushioned benches, crossing his left leg over his right and folding his arms tightly.

James laughed brazenly. “I don’t doubt that. But, also, I promise you, I will keep you safe.” James look at him sincerely, and smiled. “Ready?”

“I suppose.”

“Right then, let’s go.” James untied the boat and pushed her off the jetty, then went to the helm and fired up the motor. The boat lurched forwards and Regulus almost flew off the bench, he reached out a hand to hold onto the side, and scowled at the back of James’ head. The idiot stood with ease, rocking from foot to foot, barefoot might he add. Shirtless. Regulus’ dragged his eyes over him, cursing himself for being unable to stop looking.

The lake stretched wide and blue as they cut across it, the wind tugging at Regulus’ damp hair, the sun glinting off the water blindingly enough to make him squint. He kept his eyes fixed on the horizon, on anything that wasn’t the easy confidence in James’ stance, the way he seemed born to this place. As they rounded a curve in the lake, trees drooping lazily into the water, the boat slowed gradually, the motor easing down until it was barely a soft purr, the water bubbling either side of the vessel. Regulus looked up at the trees, they were still ten metres from the shore, give or take. James guided them toward a rocky outcrop half hidden by trees, water lightening as the depth changed.

“This is my favourite spot,” he said, reverently. “We’ll anchor here. We have to swim the rest.”

“No,” Regulus said immediately, shaking his head adamantly.

James laughed softly, like he’d expected it. He dropped the anchor with a practiced motion and turned back to him. “It’s shallow. And I won’t let anything happen to you.”

Regulus frowned. “That’s not reassuring.” James just grinned and, without another word, dove cleanly into the water. The splash echoed off the rocks. Regulus stared after him, heart ticking too fast, then muttered something deeply unflattering under his breath and stood. He sat on the edge of the boat and slid into the water carefully, he was wearing swim shorts, but kept his t-shirt on, the fabric clinging to him as he followed James towards the shore, arms slicing through the water with more force than necessary.

            He shook water from his face as soft waves lapped over his shoulders. James was treading water beside him, grinning. “Shut up.” Regulus snapped and pushed through the water ahead of him. The cove was quieter than the open lake, sound muffled by stone and trees. They swam steadily, James pointing out the narrow cave entrance tucked between two rocks. It wasn’t deep or dark, just a curved passage where the water thinned enough to stand. Regulus hesitated, then followed James inside, shoes scraping softly against stone as they waded. Light filtered through from both ends, water lapping gently at their calves. He looked up at the vaulted ceiling, mouth open. This was incredible. Water dripped from somewhere above them, vines snaked their way through cracks at the top of the cave, light streaking through in golden bursts. He continued to follow his guide further into the cave, the water lapped at soft mud, and they climbed up onto a large flat rock. Then they paused.

James turned to say something Regulus didn’t quite hear because suddenly they were too close. An arm brushed his. Their eyes met. For half a second, the world stilled. Regulus’ heart slammed violently against his ribs and heat flooded his face and he realised just how close they were. His ears were ringing because James was looking at him, really looking at him. Regulus sucked in a breath, he could feel lake water running down his legs from his t-shirt. James’ eyes darted across his face. Neither of them spoke. Suddenly, the awareness of their proximity startled Regulus. He took a messy step backwards, nearly slipping, and broke eye contact.

“I’m going back,” he said too quickly and didn’t wait for a response. He stumbled back through the shallows, ignoring James calling his name and as soon as the water was deep enough, dove in and swam hard for the boat, lungs burning, thoughts racing. He hauled himself up over the side and sat there, dripping and shaking faintly, staring at the lake until his breathing slowed. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What the fuck.” He whispered, heart thundering. “The fuck!” he pulled out his towel and wrapped it around his shoulders. He could feel his cheeks reddening.

James returned a few minutes later, climbing aboard with a puzzled look that turned defensive when he saw Regulus’ expression. “You alright?”

“Fine.” Regulus snapped. “Can we just…go back now?”

James didn’t speak at first, then nodded. “Sure thing.” And turned away, pulling up the anchor.

The ride back was quieter than the journey out, the silence thick but not hostile. Halfway home, James cleared his throat. “Well,” he said lightly, “at least I can say I got you out on the boat once. Even if it was barely an hour.”

Regulus snorted and shook his head. “Don’t worry, I won’t waste your time again.”

James looked over his shoulder. “Who said anything about wasted time?”

He didn’t reply and looked away purposefully. He couldn’t cope with those eyes anymore. Not when they’d been so close to him, when they’d seen him. When he’d been close enough to to see the darker flecks of brown in those honey fucking hazel eyes.

            When the boat was moored Regulus practically bolted. He jumped out onto the jetty, shouldering his bag, and made a beeline for the house. He didn’t look back even once, despite the desperate urge. Once inside he went straight to his room and didn’t dare come out until he knew that Sirius and Remus were back.

            After a shower he sat on the floor on the far side of the bed, hidden from the door and scrolled through his contacts, finding Pandora’s and hitting call.

“Reggie!” She sang. “I had a feeling you’d call me.”

“Dora.” He said seriously. “I’ve got a big fucking problem.”

She gasped. “You’re in love with your brother’s best friend!”

Taken aback, he yelped, “What?! No, I am not!”

“Oh, I must be a few weeks ahead of myself.” She corrected. Pandora was ‘spooky’ as Barty called her. She got ‘feelings’ about people and events and terrifyingly she was usually right. She’d predicted their professor’s retirement, her cousin’s pregnancy, even the results of multiple NHL games. “But you do like him. Yes?” she asked, as if clarifying something for herself.

“Yes. Dora it’s so bad.” He whined. “What the fuck is wrong with me? I just act like a fucking idiot around him. And as much as I try, I can’t stop staring at him. How is this fair? How do I get over this? Its mortifying!”

“Darling we simply do not have a choice in who we are drawn to. It is cosmic. It is fated. Be that for positive or negative reasons. I’m afraid you just have to ride this one out and see what happens.”

Regulus groaned. “But he’s so annoying!”

“But the stars my darling! The stars” Pandora sang and began lecturing him on the fates and destiny and he tried to listen, he really did, but very quickly his mind filled with honey hazel eyes and the distinct smell of linen, cedar and wealth all packed into a very expensive aftershave. “Reggie are you even listening to me?” Pandora squeaked indignantly.

“Sorry, what did you say?”

“I said.” She droned. “You’ve got to embrace it. Just allow the river of life to pull you along.”

But Regulus had never been very good at being out of control, and like hell was he going to allow something like this to get out of hand. No, he’d curb this. Immediately. There would be no more close proximity and boat trips and eye contact with James Fuking Potter. It ended today. Regulus was in control.

******

Lily and Regulus lay flat on towels on the lawn, under a scorching sun one afternoon, basking in the heat, books abandoned, sodas with excessive amounts of ice in hand. They sipped and talked, sunglasses offering mild respite from the blistering heat. A parasol leant against the grass behind them, casting a thankful amount of shade over their heads and shoulders. They lay facing the water as two jet skis whizzed along the bay. Regulus watched his brother holler and screech as he turned the ski sharply, casting water high into the air. Then he soured when James zoomed close behind. Stood up, of course, because the arrogant prick was a show off. His skin glistened, his curls flying behind him. He too, hollered like he owned the entire damn lake.

“Idiots.” Regulus muttered.

Lily laughed. “No, just being show-offs, I think.”

“Yeah, until one of them dies.” He said, watching as James turned the ski one hundred and eighty degrees, soaking Sirius.

“Oh, trust me, this is nothing compared to what they get up to at college.” Lily scoffed, rubbing suncream into her legs.

“I don’t think I want to know.” he replied, taking his book out of his tote bag and opening it delicately.

“Probably for the best.” She sighed, lying down contentedly. Regulus on the other hand, sat rigid, watching James fly across the water on the jet ski telling himself over and over again that he had adamantly decided that he wasn’t going to do this anymore. That he was no longer interested. But no matter how vehemently he promised to stick to this resolution, his eyes betrayed him, the butterflies in his stomach betrayed him, and he simply couldn’t help but gaze at the embodiment of sunshine itself as it took form in James Potter, gliding across the lake with a smile the size of a galaxy.

Chapter Text

Chapter Eight

The moment lingered longer than it should have. James stood in the shallows of the cave after Regulus had fled, water curling around his ankles, staring at nothing in particular while his pulse thudded hard in his ears. It hit him then, sharp and undeniable, that the thing he’d been carefully stepping around since the first week wasn’t curiosity anymore. It wasn’t concern. It was attraction, full bodied attraction which was both inconvenient and loud and it was deeply unfair because Regulus was Sirius’ little brother. His best friend’s little brother. That alone should have entirely shut down any idea of pursuing anything, should have been enough to make the thought of such a thing impossible. James had spent years drawing lines for himself and sticking to them, and this one felt as if it had been carved in stone. He knew better than to cross such a clear boundary. Sirius’ little brother. He reminded himself, for the hundredth time. His best friend’s little brother. And yet. He rubbed the smile from his face.

He couldn’t help it. His mind betrayed him mercilessly. He couldn’t stop thinking about that short fucking dark haired, combative rain cloud of judgement. He consumed James’ every waking thought. Everything about him, how angry Regulus got, how sharp his insults were, how he never softened them just to be liked. Regulus’ opinions were clear and unwavering. He was unapologetically himself and James admired that. He also loved how scrappy Regulus could be, all edges and defiance. There was something magnetic in that, something James couldn’t stop circling. But then, on the other side of all that, Regulus carried something weighty. Something heavy. Something he didn’t share. Ever since James found him on the stairs mid panic attack, he hadn’t been able to shake the desire to know what or who had broken him to cause such a violent reaction. Not to mention the eating. James had to physically restrain himself from taking Regulus food every evening, particularly when he noticed that Regulus had barely eaten. But that too, would be crossing the line. He’d done it a couple of times yes, but he knew he couldn’t make a habit of it. He didn’t know Regulus. Regulus was not his. He had no right to get involved with his feelings, let alone his eating habits. He had no right to offer his own opinions on the matter, his advice, his kindness. But still, those grey eyes and jet black hair continued to occupy his every waking thought.

Worse still was the curiosity. The desperate desire to want to know him. To understand what made him tick, what he thought about when he went quiet, what made him smile when he forgot himself. What he looked like happy. What he looked like in the mornings, still half commanded by sleep. And beneath all of that, pulsing and reckless, was the simple, damning desire to kiss him. Kiss him and kiss him and kiss him.

Fuck. James exhaled slowly, grounding himself. Cursing himself. How could he have allowed this to happen? He told himself though, that he would not cross that line. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t. Not out of respect for Sirius, not out of respect for Regulus, and not out of respect for the version of himself he refused to disappoint. Some wants, he told himself firmly, were meant to be endured, not acted upon. Even if they burned.

******

            James became acutely aware of Regulus after the day in the cave. The way he moved, the way he watched everyone else in the room, not to judge them, but to inform his own movements, his own decisions. As if he were constantly on tenterhooks, anticipating conflict, ready to bolt. Sirius had told James briefly about his childhood, but nothing in detail, and from Regulus’ general demeanour, James assumed that there was good reason Sirius didn’t talk about home too much at all. Regulus continued to eat sporadically. James continued to bring him plates of food on the nights where he barely ate at all, despite his resolution not to. Regulus would open the door, silently take the plate, avoiding his eye. Offer a quiet thank you and retreat into his room and they’d never speak of it again. James didn’t join him on his morning swims anymore either. He didn’t wish to crowd him, or make him feel unwelcome. Instead, he’d watch him from his window. The way he folded his towel on the jetty, lined his shoes up neatly, and gracefully slid into the water. Was it creepy to watch? Was it weird? On the mornings where James convinced himself that yes, this was creepy, he’d shower, or make himself scarce, then act surprised when he saw Regulus downstairs, offering a polite good morning and nothing more, but God was that hard. The urge to grab him and kiss him was getting to the point where he barely wanted to fight it.

Sirius’ little brother. He’d remind himself, and walk away.

            Summer was already halfway through, almost four weeks had passed at the lake and James always worried that it was going to fast, that he was somehow wasting his time here, despite how much he crammed into his days. So, one morning, halfway through the fourth week, he suggested to Sirius that they go for a run, to keep up their condition so as not to be too out of the loop by the time pre-season rolled around. They ran along the lakeside trail at an easy but punishing pace, trainers crunching over gravel and pine needles, the water flashing silver through breaks in the trees. The air was already warm, thick enough to make James’ lungs burn. Pre-season loomed like a threat on the horizon, and neither of them was stupid enough to show up soft.

Sirius ran like it was second nature, long strides, effortless, hair tied back but already escaping its band in dark wisps. James matched him with equal ease, falling into rhythm at his side.

“So,” James said, breath steady, eyes on the curve of the path ahead. “You and Remus. How’s that going?”

Sirius glanced over, grinning immediately. “Are you checking in or are you fishing for gossip, Prongs?”

“Checking in,” James shot back with a chuckle. “Genuinely. Is he enjoying the lake?”

Sirius’ expression softened. “Yeah. He is. Even with his hip being a pain in the ass. He pretends it’s fine, obviously.”

“Obviously.” James confirmed, moving to run behind Sirius as the path temporarily narrowed, then coming back up beside him.

“He likes the quiet,” Sirius continued. “The water. Says it makes his head calmer.” He pondered for a moment. “He’s been swimming more too. Which he hates, but I keep telling him that it is good for him.”

James nodded, filing it away. “He seems… good. Happier.”

“Yeah,” Sirius said, a little quieter. Then he smirked, the moment gone. “Alright, my turn. When are you going to find someone, Prongs? Or are you planning on continuing your noble quest to fuck your way through the entire student population?”

James nearly stumbled. “Fuck off,” he said automatically, heat crawling up his neck.

“I’m serious!” Sirius laughed. “You ever think about settling down? Or is the very notion of commitment still giving you hives?”

James opened his mouth, then closed it again. His brain, traitorous thing that it was, offered up Regulus instantly. Sharp mouth. Grey eyes. He swallowed. “I’m fine as I am,” James said, too quickly. “Just… not really looking.”

Sirius hummed, clearly unconvinced. “Huh. That’s new.”

James focused on the path, on his breathing, on the steady burn in his thighs. He didn’t look at Sirius, didn’t dare risk the question that might follow. He couldn’t say it. Wouldn’t say it. Not when he had no intention of acting on it. Not when wanting Regulus already felt like crossing a line he refused to step over.

Sirius shrugged, letting it go, mercifully. “Suit yourself. Just saying, one day someone’s going to knock you flat on your ass.”

James huffed out a laugh that sounded convincing enough. Someone already had. “I’ll take my chances.”

They ran on, the lake glinting beside them, James carrying the weight of a truth he’d already decided would stay permanently buried.

******

The wood was rough under James’ palms, bark flaking off and catching beneath his fingernails as he lifted another log from the truck bed. The air smelled like sap and gasoline and late afternoon heat, the exact honest, grounding smell he’d grown up with. His dad stood opposite him, already stacking with the practised ease of someone who’d done this a thousand times before. Monty Potter worked quietly, methodically, placing each log just so, building a perfect wall of fuel for a Christmas spent beside the lake. They lifted, walked and stacked logs in the sheltered wood store for a solid fifteen minutes before conversation sprung. James broke the rhythm first.

“Hey, Dad,” he said, shifting a heavier piece into his arms. “How’d you and Mum actually meet?”

Monty huffed a soft laugh, nudging a log into place with his boot. “That’s a left-field question.” He clapped his hands together, expelling sawdust and leant against the wood store with one arm.

James shrugged, eyes fixed on the pile. “Just… curious I guess.”

“Well,” Monty said, straightening up and wiping his hands on his jeans, “I was playing ice hockey for college. Your mum came to a game with a friend. Didn’t know a thing about hockey. Cheered at all the wrong moments.” He smiled at the memory, something gentle settling into his expression. “I noticed her, sure. Who wouldn’t have? But it wasn’t fireworks right away.”

James paused, log hovering mid-air. “It wasn’t?”

“Nope.” Monty shook his head. “We were on and off for a while. Bad timing. Different priorities. I was an idiot more than once.” He glanced at James, sharp but kind. “Took us a bit to grow into the people we needed to be.”

James set the log down carefully. “Did you know, though? That she was it for you?”

Monty considered this, leaning back against the truck. “Not instantly. I knew I cared. I knew I didn’t like imagining a future without her in it. But certainty?” He shrugged. “That came later. After I stopped trying to outrun it.” The words landed heavily. Monty watched James for a moment, then tilted his head. “So. Where’re all these questions coming from?”

James bent to pick up another piece of wood, far too quickly. “Nowhere. Just thinking.”

His dad hummed, unconvinced. “You know,” Monty said slowly, “people spend a lot of time pretending they don’t want things. Or that wanting is the same as acting. It’s not.” He met James’ eye. “You owe it to yourself to be honest about what you feel. Even if you don’t do anything about it right away.”

James swallowed. “Right.”

“Can’t build a life on avoidance, kid.” Monty added, gentler now. “Trust me.”

There was a moment of silence, the sound of cicadas buzzing somewhere in the trees breached it.

“This about someone here?” Monty asked.

“No,” James said immediately. Too fast. Shaking his head. “No. Definitely not.” Subtle.

Monty raised an eyebrow but let it go, a small smile tugging at his mouth. “Alright then.”

They went back to stacking for a minute, the rhythm returning, easier now.

“So,” Monty said, clapping his hands together once. “You talked to your coach lately? How’s pre-season looking?”

James exhaled, grateful for the escape route. “Gruelling. We’re losing Wood and Weasley, so the dynamic’s going to shift. Coach reckons I’ll have to step up even more.”

Monty grinned. “You always do.”

James smiled back, but his mind wasn’t on football. It was on the notion that sometimes knowing what you wanted didn’t make it any easier to leave it untouched.

******

James woke with that familiar, fizzing need to move. Knowing himself, he knew the only way to burn off such a feeling was through vigorous exercise. He needed to feel an ache in his muscles and a tightness in his chest. Summoning everyone by text, rousing them from their beds, he dressed and made his way enthusiastically downstairs. By the time everyone gathered in the kitchen, he was already talking too fast, hands moving as he laid out the plan. A long hike along the ridge trail, flat but steady. Then if the water was clear and the rocks weren’t slick, a bit of cliff-jumping off the smaller granite ledge.

Lily was immediately in. Sirius glanced at his boyfriend, Remus hesitated then shrugged. “We’re in too.” Sirius said, punching James lightly on the shoulder. When James’ eyes flicked to Regulus, the answer came quickly.

“No,” Regulus said, not unkindly. Final. He didn’t look up from where he was stirring sugar into his coffee with careful, exact movements. “Have fun risking your lives.”

James smiled anyway. “Alright.” He meant it. He didn’t push. Didn’t tease. Didn’t try to sell it.

Bags were packed. Shoes laced. Noise filled the room as they read off a checklist of everything, they planned to bring with them. Effie made them all sandwiches, taking individual orders and writing names on the foil wrapping. Echoes of thanks and the smack of air kisses filled the kitchen as food was packed into backpacks and water bottles were filled. Then, ten minutes later, Regulus appeared again.

He stood at the bottom of the stairs, backpack slung over one shoulder. He looked uncomfortable, dressed for a hike but still holding himself like he might bolt.

“Hey,” James said, deliberately casual. “You coming?”

Regulus shrugged, gaze sliding away. “Apparently.”

Something in James’ chest loosened. He didn’t comment on the change of heart. Didn’t grin. Just nodded and stepped aside to make space, careful not to crowd him. He handed Regulus a bottle of water, and a sandwich wrapped in foil and smiled. This was exactly how the day was meant to go.

As they set out, James found himself watching in small, stolen moments. The way Regulus walked, measured and efficient like he was conserving energy. The way he listened more than he spoke, eyes observant, missing nothing. He didn’t chatter to fill space. When he did speak, it was often devastatingly accurate. James adjusted towards him without really meaning to.  Regulus walked a little apart from the group, eyes flicking from the trees to the lake whenever it came into view between the branches.

The day began with a hike first, along one of the narrow lakeside trails that wound through pine and exposed rock, the ground uneven enough to require careful attention. James set an easy pace, instinctively slowing whenever the path rose or dipped, glancing back just often enough to make sure Remus was alright without making it a thing. Remus, for his part, waved him off with a small smile every time James hovered too close, stubborn and determined, his hip stiff but holding. They were heading for one of James’ favourite spots, a smooth granite outcrop tucked a short walk off the main trail, overlooking a sheltered stretch of water. It wasn’t a cliff in the dramatic sense, just a pale sweep of rock sloping down toward the lake, worn smooth by decades of sun and swimmers’ feet. Locals jumped from it all the time. Safe enough, deep water, but high enough to make your stomach flip. When they reached the outcrop, the lake spread out below them, blue and glassy in the heat.

“It’s high.” Sirius said, more to Remus than anyone else.

“I’ll wait here with the bags. You guys jump.” Remus said, lowering himself onto a flat rock.

“You sure, Moony?” James checked, feeling suddenly guilty. He hadn’t considered the fact that Remus probably wouldn’t be able to jump.

“Course.” Remus nodded, stretching out his leg. “Pads. You go too. I’ll be fine.”

“I’ll come straight back up.” Sirius promised, leaning down and kissing him with a lazy grin.

“If I don’t go first, I’ll bottle it.” Lily said nervously and kicked off her shoes, already shedding her bag.

“You’ve got this Evans.” James said encouragingly, standing near the edge. “It’s not complicated, but you do need to do it properly,” he said, glancing back at all of them. “Feet first. Toes pointed, legs together. You want to stay vertical all the way down, don’t lean forward, don’t lean back.” He straightened himself, mimicking the required posture. “Pick a spot on the water and keep your eyes there. Don’t look at the edge, don’t look at the drop, just the lake. When you hit, keep your arms tight to your sides and let yourself sink for a second before you kick back up. The water’s deep enough here, I promise.” His expression fell sincere. “And if you change your mind, that’s fine too. No one’s pushing anyone.”

“Okay I’m going.” Lily said, toes over the edge. She took a deep breath and jumped, cheered on by all of them as the water splashed below. James glanced over and laughed as she began cheering, beckoning him down. Sirius went next, all easy confidence, sauntering to the edge and throwing himself over it. A few seconds of silence then an almighty splash and a cacophony of cheers. James grinned, and looked over his shoulder at Regulus.

Regulus stopped near the edge, peering down into the water. James watched him from a few feet away, resisting the urge to fill the silence. He didn’t tease. Didn’t push. Just stood there, letting Regulus have the space to decide. It struck James, then, how much he’d started adjusting himself around him. How naturally it had come. Slowing his steps. Lowering his voice. Choosing patience when instinct usually spurred him to arrogance.

“I’m not doing it.” Regulus announced.

James shrugged and offered an encouraging smile. “Alright, we’ll be back up soon.” Then he jumped, the familiar rush of air and cold stealing his breath as he leapt off the granite ledge. When he surfaced, slicking his hair back, he glanced up instinctively. Regulus was still stood at the edge, longer than anyone else had. The lake lapped quietly below, unbothered, patient. James treaded water and waited, resisting the urge to call out, though every part of him wanted to encourage, to cheer, to say something stupid and loud. He bit it back.

Then Regulus jumped.

He jumped cleanly, arms tight at his sides, dark hair whipping back as he disappeared into the blue.

James whooped the second Regulus left the rock, the sound ripping out of him before he could stop it. “Yes!” he yelled, grinning. Regulus surfaced a second later, sputtering once, then breaking into a startled smile. It was brief, gone almost as soon as it appeared, but James saw it. Their eyes met. Regulus’ expression faltered and he looked away, ducking his head back under the water and swimming a few metres further away.

Sirius took that moment to launch himself at his brother, cackling as he dragged Regulus under with him. Regulus came back up swearing, splashing wildly, laughter chasing the words despite his best efforts. James watched them with a fond ache in his chest, treading water nearby, letting the sound of it all soak in. This. This was what summers were meant to feel like.

They swam back to the rock together, hauling themselves up and walking back though the treeline as the sun dried damp skin. When they reached Remus, Sirius kissed him and shook wet hair all over him like a dog. Then cackled as Remus grabbed him around the middle. Lily pulled her t-shirt on and shimmied into her shorts. James’ eyes followed the younger Black brother. Regulus sat a little apart again as they dressed, towel looped around his shoulders, gaze drifting back to the lake. James shoved his feet in his shoes and put his clothes in his backpack. There was no point wasting a good opportunity to tan as they hiked. He noticed Regulus hadn’t taken off his t-shirt to jump. His was clinging to him, soaked. James watched as Regulus pulled at the material, pulling away from his skin. James opened his backpack.

“Here.” He said, holding out his own t-shirt, a navy blue shirt with the UoT logo on the front, and on the back in white lettering POTTER and the number 21.

“No, thanks.” Regulus said curtly, but he looked irritated.

“Regulus. Just take it.” James said quietly and firmly. “Change in the trees.”

Regulus’ throat bobbed as he swallowed, and then hesitantly reached out and took the shirt. “Thank you.” He whispered, and ducked into the trees, retuning a moment later with his wet t-shirt folded neatly.

“Better?” James asked, eyes soft.

Regulus just nodded, putting his wet shirt in his bag and zipping it up.

The hike to the viewpoint was slower, uphill and sticky with heat, the trees thinning until the lake opened up beneath them in a wide, breathtaking sprawl of blue and green. They stopped there, quieting automatically, conversation fizzling out. Even Sirius shut up, holding Remus’ hand to steady him.

“Wow.” Remus breathed, laughing a smile of disbelief.

“Proud of you babe.” Sirius kissed him on the cheek, arms wrapped around his middle.

James leaned back against a tree and watched Regulus without meaning to. The way his shoulders eased. The way his eyes tracked the water, thoughtfully. Wearing his t-shirt, his name and number on the back. Fuck. Wasn’t that a sight he didn’t need materialised into reality. His shirt was big on Regulus’ slight frame, the shoulder seams halfway down his upper arms. He looked good. And good lord did James want to kiss him. Instead, he held the moment, head tipped against the tree, committing it to memory. They stayed at the viewpoint for a while. Taking photos. Trying to balance Lily’s phone against a tree so they could all get in a photo together. James stood away from Regulus, beside Lily instead. Sirius’ little brother. He reminded himself.

The walk back was easier, downhill and interspersed with lazy conversation drifting in and out. Near the end, when the house came into view through the trees, James fell into step beside Regulus.

“Did you… have a good day?” he asked, trying to pretend that the answer didn’t matter as much as it did.

Regulus glanced at him, then away again, shrugging one shoulder. “It was alright.”

James smiled.

“I’ll give you your shirt back later.”

James waved him off. “Keep it. I’ve got loads of them.” It was a selfish offer really. The thought of Regulus in his t-shirt multiple times, was enough to send him into permanent oblivion.

Regulus walked ahead and didn’t say anything.

*****

That evening, James and Sirius drove into town to buy pizzas for everyone. They parked up outside, luckily it was quiet in there tonight, despite it being the most popular takeout place in the area. James didn’t bother locking the truck, it was just that kind of community. They walked into the pizza place and looked up at the mounted menus.

“What did Evans want?” James asked, frowning as he tried to decide what he wanted.

“Veggie I think. Boring if you ask me.” Sirius smirked. “I want a meat feast. Moony wants mushroom.”

“My parents will share an Everything and I’ll just get a double pepperoni.”

“Fuck what did Regulus want?” Sirius cursed, taking out his phone to text him.

“Plain cheese.” James said automatically. He’d asked him quietly whilst everyone had been arguing. Regulus said he didn’t want anything, but James had said, if I turn up with a plain cheese pizza, would you eat some of it? To which Regulus had just shrugged and said, maybe.

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “I doubt he’ll even touch it. We’re up, Prongs.” He said as the counter became free.

            They drove back starving, the smell of pizzas on the bench between them taunted them unfairly. Sirius tried to dip into his on four occasions, but James slapped his hand away and told him to have some restraint.

“PIZZA’S HERE!” James hollered, voice carrying straight through the house like a starting gun. “If you don’t come claim it now, you forfeit your right to eat it!.” He kicked the door shut with his heel and manoeuvred the stack of boxes onto the kitchen island, steam and the unmistakable smell of garlic and melted cheese filling the space instantly. Sirius was already peeling lids back, inspecting their contents.

“Meat feast’s mine,” Sirius declared.

“Trust me, Sirius, no one is trying to take that from you,” Lily shot back, reaching for the vegetarian box.

Remus hovered near the counter, smiling faintly, hands tucked into the pockets of his hoodie. “Mushroom?” he asked, hopeful.

“Left side,” James said automatically, already sliding plates out of a drawer. He passed plates around, laughing with his dad who had appeared from the study and circled like some great starved beast. When James reached Regulus, he paused, just long enough to offer a small, soft smile.

Regulus took the plate without looking at him. “Thanks,” he murmured, eyes fixed firmly on the counter.

“You’re welcome.”

Once everyone had filled their plates, they drifted outside onto the deck, settling into chairs and onto the steps, the evening still warm as it attempted to cling onto the last of the day’s heat. His parents stayed inside, voices low and distant through the open doors, giving the younger crowd space without making a thing of it. Outside, conversation picked up easily, buoyed by food and sun-tired bodies.

“That jump was insane,” Lily said, taking a bite. “I thought Sirius was going to drown himself with excitement when you jumped Reg.”

“I absolutely was,” Sirius said proudly. “and it would have been worth it!”

Regulus huffed. “T’es un vrai fléau, toi.”

James laughed, leaning back in his chair. “Excellent jump though. You lot are naturals,” he said, a slice of pizza halfway to his mouth, pepperoni threatening to leap off one side.

Regulus shrugged. And then James noticed. Regulus was eating. Actually eating. Small bites, sure. Controlled. But consistent. The slice was disappearing slowly but surely, crust and all. Something warm settled in James’ chest, quiet and unearned, like a private victory he didn’t have the right to claim. He looked away before anyone could catch him watching, grinning down at his own plate like an idiot.

            That evening they sat out by the fire pit, drinking beers and talking. Regulus snuck off to bed first, then Sirius and Remus, and not long after Lily kissed him on the cheek and said goodnight, telling him not to sit up too late. James smiled as she left and sat back, exhaling deeply. God he was fucked. Utterly, utterly fucked. Mainly because this massive crush was on his best friend’s brother, but also because it was very clearly one sided. Regulus didn’t like him anymore than anyone else. James would have to get over this quickly, before he really drove himself to despair. Five more weeks and he’d be back at college. He could find someone with dark hair to fuck and forget and put this entire thing behind him. He stared at the fire a while longer, before standing, stretching and wandering up to bed.

Chapter Text

Chapter Nine

James’ parents left that morning. They were spending a week in Toronto just themselves. Regulus lingered upstairs as he listened to them say their goodbyes. Effie fussed about whether they had left them enough food and supplies for the week. Regulus heard James explain that he could drive and they were in fact all adults. They could get anything they didn’t have. Goodbyes were repeated and he heard the front door close. He looked over his shoulder through the huge glass windows that lined the upstairs corridor. He watched Monty reverse the car in an arc, turning and pull out of the driveway, honking his horn twice in farewell.

            Regulus came quietly down the stairs, book tucked under his arms. He noticed Sirius out on the deck, on the phone. He frowned, Sirius looked pissed and he was waving his hands, the way he only did when he was speaking French.

“Your dad called.” Remus said, from the kitchen.

“Fuck.” Regulus muttered, abandoning his book on the sofa and stepping through the bifold doors, closing them behind him. He approached his brother cautiously, wrapping his arms around himself and waited. Sirius looked at him and shook his head as if to say, you won’t fucking believe this. Regulus’ jaw tensed. The lake was calm. Glassy. Sirius paced the length of the deck, bare feet scuffing softly against the wood.

A pause. Sirius’ face tightened. “Oui, je vais bien.” Yes, I’m fine.

Another pause. Longer this time. Regulus’ stomach dropped. He moved closer to the railing, fingers curling around it, knuckles whitening as he listened to half a conversation.

“Je fais exactement ce que je veux faire.” I’m doing exactly what I want to be doing.

Sirius stopped pacing, staring out over the water now, voice clipped and controlled.

“Ce n’est pas une phase, papa.” This isn’t a phase, papa.

Regulus swallowed. He knew that tone. Orion hadn’t raised his voice. He never did.

“Le football n’est pas une perte de temps.” Football isn’t a waste of time. Sirius laughed humourlessly. “Non, ce n’est pas inelegant. C’est quelque chose que j’aime!” No, it isn’t inelegant. It’s something I love!

Regulus’ chest tightened. He hated how familiar this was. They weren’t allowed hobbies, particularly when those hobbies interfered with their parents plans for them.

“Je réussis mes cours. Je respecte mes engagements.” I’m doing well in my classes. I’m meeting my obligations.

Regulus could hear their father’s voice, a perfect blend of aggression and serenity.  He tried to move closer to Sirius but his brother held up a hand, stopping him. He halted, heart already beginning to pound anxiously. This wasn’t going anywhere good.

“Tu ne peux pas décider de ça pour moi.” You don’t get to decide that for me.

Sirius resumed pacing, faster now, away from Regulus, agitation bleeding through the restraint.

“Non, je ne vais pas arrêter après cette saison.” No, I’m not quitting after this season. Another pause. Sirius’ free hand clenched into a fist. “Quoi?” What?

Regulus’ breath caught.

Sirius dropped his tone. “Tu menaces pas ça.” You wouldn’t threaten that.

The cicadas buzzed. The lake lapped quietly.

“Tu ne peux pas me retirer l’université parce que tu n’aimes pas mes choix.” You can’t pull me from university because you don’t like my choices.

Regulus felt the familiar spike of panic bloom beneath his ribs. Money. Control. Always the same blade. Sirius stopped again, turning away from the lake, back to the house, as if grounding himself.

He sighed, and spoke with as must respect as he could muster. “Je suis reconnaissant, papa.” I am grateful papa. “Mais je ne te dois pas ma vie.” But I don’t owe you my life.

Another pause. Longer still.

“Si tu fais ça,” Sirius began, voice lower now. “Tu perds ton fils.” If you do this… you lose your son.

Regulus’ vision blurred. He pressed his thumb into his palm, hard enough to hurt. Sirius exhaled sharply through his nose.

“Non. Je ne reviens pas à Montréal.” No. I’m not coming back to Montreal.

Sirius’ pacing slowed. His eyes flicked to Regulus and he walked quickly along the deck, towards the fire pit, away from him. That was when Regulus knew Orion had said his name. Sirius’ shoulders stiffened, spine straightening like he’d been struck between them.

“Regulus va bien.” Regulus is fine. His voice was lower, protectively edged.

A pause.

“Oui, il travaille fort.” Yes, he works hard.

Regulus’ stomach turned. What was his father asking? He wanted to move closer, but he knew Sirius would only retreat further.

“Non, il ne pose aucun problème.” No, he isn’t causing any trouble.

Another pause. Sirius’ voice sharpened, barely restrained.

“Tu n’as pas besoin que je le surveille.” You don’t need me to keep an eye on him.

Regulus felt heat rush to his face, a familiar cocktail of shame and anger. He stepped closer to the railing, breath shallow, straining to hear Sirius’ responses.

“Il n’est pas un projet.” He’s not a project.

Silence. Then Sirius laughed quietly, incredulously.

“Non. Je ne vais pas te rapporter quoi que ce soit.” No. I’m not reporting anything back to you.

Regulus’ hands trembled. He curled them into fists, nails biting into his palms.

“Arrête de parler de son corps.” Stop talking about his body.

That did it. Regulus’ heart kicked painfully against his ribs. The lake seemed to tilt, horizon blurring. He rested his head atop his arms, leaning over, head swimming.

Sirius’ voice dropped, deadly calm. “Laisse-le tranquille.” Leave him alone. Sirius stopped pacing entirely. “Qu’est-ce que tu veux dire, des conversations?” What do you mean, conversations?

A pause. Sirius’ grip tightened around the phone. Regulus looked up, watching his face as he listened to their father. Regulus felt his pulse climb, sharp and dizzying. He pressed his tongue to the roof of his mouth, grounding himself.

“Il n’a rien accepté.” He hasn’t agreed to anything.

Another pause. Sirius’ jaw flexed.

“Tu n’as pas le droit de décider de son avenir sans lui.” You don’t have the right to decide his future without him.

The lake shimmered uselessly in Regulus’ peripheral vision.

“Des introductions ne sont pas des opportunités quand il n’a pas le choix.” Introductions aren’t opportunities when he doesn’t have a choice.

Sirius exhaled slowly, deliberately.

“Il n’est pas une extension de toi.” He isn’t an extension of you.

Regulus’ stomach rolled. Programme. Contacts. A path laid out neatly, politely, mercilessly. He could already see it, feel it closing around him.

“Tu vas lui parler directement.” You will speak to him directly. “Ou tu n’en parles pas du tout.” Or you won’t speak of it at all.

Sirius’ voice softened then, just barely, and that was worse.

“Il mérite de choisir.” He deserves to choose.

A final pause.

“Bonne nuit, papa.” Goodnight, papa.

He ended the call without waiting for a reply.

The silence afterward felt heavier than the argument itself.

Sirius stood there for a moment, phone still in his hand, shoulders rigid. Then he scrubbed a hand through his hair and turned.

Regulus was watching him.

Their eyes met. Sirius’ expression softened immediately, concern cutting through his own anger.

“Reggie,” he said quietly, in English now.

Regulus shook his head, heart hammering, anxiety clawing up his throat. “I’m fine,” he lied automatically. “What did he say?”

Sirius shook his head. “Nothing you need worry about.”

“Sirius!” Regulus snapped. “He was talking about me, what did he say?”

“It doesn’t matter, it’s not happening.”

“What isn’t? Sirius I swear to God if you don’t tell me!” Regulus yelled, hands still balled in fists.

Sirius sighed, phone clenched in his hand. “He wishes to introduce you to someone in France. He asked me to put you on a plane.” Regulus paled and took a step backwards. “Which I am not going to do. Regulus.”

“What else?”

“He insists he is providing you with opportunity, and such a match may be advantageous for all parties.” Sirius said gravely, watching for his reaction.

“Match? What like a fucking arranged marriage?” Regulus yelped, eyes wide.

“I don’t know, Reggie. He didn’t say, but either way you are not going. I told him that.”

“What did he say about my weight? I heard you Siri don’t pretend I didn’t.” Regulus asked, tearful now, tearful and angry.

“It does not need repeating, Reggie. It was the same bigoted shit they always say. You are just fine as you are. Do not listen to them.” Sirius grabbed him by his shoulders and forced Regulus to meet his eye. “Promise me, you won’t let this get to you? They are fucking assholes, both of them. Ignore them.”

Regulus felt his eyes burn with tears, but he couldn’t help it. His fists were still clenched at his sides. “Are they pulling you from school?”

Sirius scoffed. “They can bloody try. They forget I know the pin numbers to every credit card, bank account and illegal offshore money pit they own. So they can fucking try me.”

“You’re going to get yourself in trouble, Siri.” Regulus said, with a small laugh. He rubbed his eyes. Sirius threw an arm around his shoulders.

“Come on, we have left over pizza.”

******

The sky darkened throughout the day and by eight pm thunder rumbled low across the region. Bursts of bright white lightening shot across the sky in diagonal streaks. Then, as darkness set in, the power cut out, and the lake house was plunged into darkness.

James’ voice came from the blackness. “No one stress, the back up generator will kick in soon.”

Regulus put his book down and waited. Lily was at the other end of the sofa somewhere, but he could only see her when the lightening flashed.

“This feels like a horror movie.” Lily laughed, pulling a different face with every lightening burst, making Regulus laugh, and he joined in, then very quickly they were cackling, pulling hideous faces and moving to different spots in every period of darkness.

“Any luck with that generator Prongs?” Sirius voice bellowed through the house, coming from upstairs.

“It’s meant to come on by itself!” James shouted back, from the back of the house.

Lily and Regulus were still giggling when James appeared in the living room, phone torch identifying his movements.

“Reg come with me and hold the torch so I can look at the generator.” James said as he passed them, glasses glinting in the torchlight. Regulus glanced at Lily then stood, following James through the wet room and into the garage. James held the door for him. “Careful where you step.” He said over his shoulder.

“What are we looking for?” Regulus said, almost tripping over a box of Christmas lights.

“The generator, its over here.” James slid behind an old Ford covered in a dust sheet and handed the torch to Regulus. “Hold this up for me please.” Then he opened the main fuse box. “Hold it higher, love.”

Regulus froze. He held the torch higher. He felt himself redden. What had James just called him? Love. He’d said it like it was nothing. Like it was normal. Regulus was on the verge of freaking out completely. He was incredibly grateful it was pitch black right now. With difficulty, he forced himself to stay. James continued to mess with the box, swearing quietly under his breath.

“Storm’s taken out the main power. Let’s see what’s up with the generator. This way.” He took the torch back and continued to sidle around the old Ford towards the back of the garage. The generator was silent. “That’s not ideal.” James said, more to himself than to Regulus who remained silent whilst James prodded it, pressing buttons and checking wires. “Fuck.” He muttered.

“What?”

“Damn thing is busted.” James straightened and huffed. “Well, looks like it’s going to be dark evening. C’mon we better tell the others. Take the torch, pretty sure mum has a box of candles tucked away up here.”

Regulus took it back, obediently, head still reeling, eyes tracking James’ movements, the way the t-shirt lifted as he reached up to pull down a box of candles. Then he followed him back out of the garage and into the kitchen.

“Sirius, I need your lighter!” James called as he started unpacking candles. Regulus remained at his side, holding the torch over the box so he could see.

Sirius appeared a few minutes later, Remus at his side. “Generator?” he asked.

“Stupid thing’s fucked.” He looked up. “Lighter Padfoot.” There was a click as Sirius flicked the lighter. A flame wobbled. Slowly, they lit a series of candles, some would reliably burn all evening, others were so small they’d be lucky to get an hour out of them.

Remus and Lily were chuckling on the sofa from the darkness, which wasn’t at all eerie. Regulus smirked, holding the torch steady. “Prongsie, shall we crack out the wine?” Lily called.

“Take your pick,” James laughed. “What else are we gonna do?”

            Quickly, wine was opened, board games were sourced and the five of them gathered on the sofas around the coffee table. A game of Uno lay abandoned on it, glasses of wine framing it, empty bottles lined up like bowling pins by the windows. Regulus curled up on one end of the sofa, glass in hand, knees tucked to his chest. He told himself he was only drinking because it was cold, because everyone else was, because the storm made everything feel temporary. He drank faster than he meant to. Refills happened without him realising. The house felt smaller in the candlelight. Closer. The storm pressed in from all sides, rain hammering against glass, wind rattling the eaves. Laughter bounced around the room, Sirius got progressively louder as the evening went on, Lily protested at James very obviously cheating at a board game as Remus smiled into his wine and refused to take sides, claiming to be an impartial witness.

James sat below Regulus on the floor, back against the sofa, legs stretched out. James’ shoulder kept brushing Regulus knee when he moved to play his turn, or lift an arm to argue with Lily regarding her unfounded accusations, and Regulus felt it like electricity. Hours passed and the games lay forgotten. Lily fell asleep in the corner of the sofa, Sirius ended up in Remus’ lap as they made out in the dark. And James and Regulus ended up talking. They were both sat on the floor now, Regulus had slid down beside him, mainly to get his brother rutting in Remus’ lap out of his eyeline.

“Sirius told me he spoke to your dad.” James said gravely.

“Did he now.” Regulus said, pissed. Trust Sirius to air their dirty laundry to everyone. Particularly to James.

“Are you okay? That sounds like a lot to process.”

“Fucking dandy.” Regulus sipped his wine.

“You don’t think they’d really do everything they’ve threatened?” James asked innocently.

Regulus gave him a look that said, don’t be naïve. “Don’t you know anything about my parents? Those threats were child’s play.”

“You can stay here as long as you need, by the way.” James offered, eyes boring into the side of Regulus’ head as he stared at the floor, holding in tears. He hadn’t allowed himself to feel earlier, he’d shoved it all down, but something about this stupid boy made keeping himself together nigh impossible.

The words that came next barely made it to a whisper. “Si tu continues d’être aussi gentil avec moi, je vais finir par t’embrasser… pis après ça, on est supposés faire quoi?” If you keep being this kind to me, I’m going to end up kissing you… and then what are we supposed to do? Regulus looked at him, eyes glassy. He was thankful for the dimly lit room, for the power outage to make it so easy to hide his emotions.

“I wish I spoke a second language.” James said pensively, watching him. Regulus looked away.

“You could learn.” He said, emotions supressed. Mask back in place.

“You think in French, right?” James asked, curiosity reflecting in his eyes, head cast back on the sofa, rolled over to look at him, tipsy, brazen.

Regulus frowned and laughed at the stupidity of it. “Of course I do. It’s not a switch you flip off.”

James smiled. “That’s impressive.”

“It’s not,” Regulus said, sharper than intended. Then, softer, “It’s how I grew up. It is how millions of people think.”

James tipped his head back straight, considering him. “Do you enjoy studying languages?”

Regulus shrugged. “No. Well, yes. I just wish people would stop telling me what I should do with my life.”

James’ gaze held his. The storm thundered again, close enough to vibrate through the floor. “I get that,” James said, more serious now. “Everyone thinks ambition has to look one way. Like if it doesn’t make sense to them, it’s wrong.”

Regulus swallowed. He hadn’t expected to feel seen. He hadn’t meant to drink enough for this. He looked down at his glass, swilling it around. Emotions rising again.

“You don’t strike me as someone who likes being told what you should want,” James added softly.

Regulus’ guard slipped, just a fraction and made eye contact with him. “And you strike me as someone who’s never been told such a thing.”

James’ smile faltered. Not offended. Just thoughtful. “You might be right there,” he said. “I have been lucky in that regard.”

Their eyes locked. Candlelight flickered over James’ face, reflecting in his glasses. Regulus became acutely aware of the space between them. How easily it could be crossed. How loud his heartbeat suddenly felt. James leaned closer, by inches. The moment lagged. Regulus’ heart was pounding. This was dangerous. His breath caught. His gaze dropped to James’ mouth before he could stop himself.

Then Sirius laughed loudly at something across the room, bumping the table as he stood, the movement breaking the spell.

They shot back from one another. Regulus downed the last of his wine.

“Refill?” Sirius called.

James cleared his throat. “Me Pads. I need a whole bottle.”

Regulus looked away, heart still pounding, cheeks burning. The storm raged on outside. Regulus knew with a clarity that sobered him instantly, that if the interruption hadn’t come when it did, he might not have been able to stop himself. He glanced at James as he stood, crossing the room quickly to the kitchen. Regulus exhaled shakily.

“Fucking hell.” He whispered. He looked around. Lily was still asleep. He was too drunk for this. He didn’t trust himself. “I’m going to bed.” He announced, turning on his phone torch and practically bolting from the room, taking the stairs two at a time, not looking back until he was safely in his room, back pressed to his closed door. “Fuck.” He said again, sinking to the floor. The conversation Sirius had with their father flooded his mind. James’ eyes, his lips, the smell of him surrounded him as he pushed back against the door. James was everything he wasn’t allowed to have. Then the panic took him.

Chapter Text

Chapter Ten

Lily liked the lake because it didn’t ask questions. She stood barefoot on the deck, mug warming her hands, watching mist lift slowly off the water. The mornings were her favourite, she didn’t need to be alone to enjoy them, but she enjoyed the softness that came with the way people were in the mornings, before she had to be anything other than a girl in an oversized jumper, her hair a mess, and her thoughts unpoliced. Not that anyone here was like that, they were wonderful. All of them. These past four weeks had been so freeing, so simple. And God! Better than being at home. After all, she hadn’t come to the lake because it was picturesque. That was simply a bonus. She’d come because James had offered, because he understood.

Stay as long as you want, he’d said. Mum and Dad won’t mind. Stay as long as you need, Lils.

Her parents needed time. That was the phrase they’d used, lips tight and careful, as if time could be measured into something manageable. Time to adjust. Time to understand. Time to pretend, maybe, that if they left it alone long enough, it might quietly go away. But Lily knew better. Vancouver felt like it might suffocate her if she’d dared to try and spend a summer trapped in that house with her perfect straight sister and her judgemental, bigoted parents. So, she’d packed a bag and come east instead, to a place that smelled like pine and water and smoke, to a house that was inherently safe. Where no one flinched at the word girlfriend. Not that she had a girlfriend. But that was beside the point. Where her queerness wasn’t a problem to be solved, just a fact. Something normal.

James had been the first to know. He always would have been. Loyal to a fault, heart on his sleeve. He’d listened without interrupting, then asked if she wanted tea or whether this called for something stronger and then, whether when she inevitably came to visit him in Ontario, if she preferred a room with the view of the lake or the one that caught the sunrise. She’d chosen the lake.

Behind her, the house creaked softly as it woke. She could hear Sirius laughing about something and Remus’ quieter reply following. Normal sounds. Easy sounds. Lily took a breath and let it settle in her chest. She closed her eyes. She knew she was good at observing people. It was the biochemist in her, maybe. She noticed how James watched everyone without meaning to, how Sirius filled space like he was afraid of what might happen if he didn’t, how Remus moved carefully through the world, gentle with his own limits. And Regulus. Regulus was complicated. Lily saw the way he hovered at the edge of rooms, the way he wore his silence like armour. She recognised it. The way people carried themselves when they’d learned early that love came with conditions. She also saw the way James softened around him, almost imperceptibly, like water wearing down stone. Lily clocked it all and said nothing. She was very good at knowing when not to intervene.

Thunder rumbled faintly in the distance, lingering from the night before. Lily smiled into her mug. For now, she was here. At the lake. Surrounded by people who didn’t ask her to be anything less than she was. Someone appeared beside her. Remus.

She smiled and leant her head on his shoulder. “Hey Moons.”

“Cold today.” Remus said, voice gravelly with sleep, pulling his cardigan tightly around himself.

She made a hum of agreement. “At least the power is back. Prongs said it’ll be chilly for a few days now, then it’ll heat back up.” She paused and looked at him. “How’s your hip?”

“Not bad. Surprisingly.” he chuckled and shifted his weight. “Though Sirius won’t stop fussing over me. Idiot thinks I’ll break if I make one wrong step.”

“He loves you, Remus. What do you expect him to do?”

“I know.” He glanced at her fondly. “I’d just like people to expect me to be capable of something and then offer support when I’m struggling, rather than believing me incapable of everything and offering to basically hold my hand all day every day.”

Lily hesitated and then looked sincerely at her best friend. “Have you told Sirius that, sweetie?”

“No.” Remus grumbled under his breath.

“Well, maybe you should?”

“Why are you so wise, Lils? You’re like a little old lady.” Remus smirked, an arm around her shoulders.

“Maybe I am. A wise old lady in the body of a queer college student.” She laughed.

“Would explain your fashion sense.”

“Hey!” She squeaked, face in mock offence. “You, Remus Lupin, are getting too sassy for your own good!”

*****

“What time are your friends arriving, Prongs?” Sirius called from the sofa, lying back against Remus’ chest, arms resting on Remus’ knees, framing either side of Sirius’ torso. Lily sat at the other send of the sofa, crocheting, listening.

“Anytime. Marls texted that they were on their way from T.O a couple of hours ago.” James said, cooking up a chilli for lunch.

“And who is coming exactly?” Sirius asked again.

“Marls, she’s my best friend from high school. Mary, another close high school friend, and Pete who lived next door to me growing up.” James explained, chopping an onion with a skilful lack of tears. “All T.O folk.”

******

Lily heard them before she saw them. The crunch of tyres on gravel, voices carrying through the horseshoe of the front of the house, laughter already loud enough to fill the space. She leaned against the kitchen counter, watching James glance toward the drive excitedly. His whole posture shifted, shoulders loosening, grin breaking loose.

“Sounds like your people,” Lily said, pushing off the counter.

“Brace yourselves!” Sirius shouted sarcastically.

James shot him a look over his shoulder, already halfway to the door. “Behave,” he said, which was rich, coming from him.

They came in loudly. Marlene first, sunglasses perched on her nose, confidence dialled to eleven. Mary followed close behind her, softer but scarily beautiful. Pete came last, lugging a bag that looked as if he’d packed for a month rather than a weekend, apologising to the furniture as he knocked into it.

“Jamie!” Marlene said, throwing her arms around him and squealing. “God its been too fucking long! Look at the size of you, you’re like a bloody brick wall!” He hugged her back hard, cackling with laughter, picking her up and swinging her round. James was different with them. Settled. Introductions followed, messy and overlapping.

“This is Sirius, my idiot best friend,” James said, clapping Sirius on the shoulder.

“Charmed,” Sirius said, flashing a grin.

“Remus,” James continued. Remus nodded, polite.

“And Regulus,” James finished. Regulus gave a small nod from the edge of the room, he’d just come downstairs. Lily watched from a step back, arms folded loosely, content to observe.

“And this is Lily,” he said, with a quiet pride. Mary’s eyes flicked to Lily then, and something sparked. It was subtle. Not fireworks. More like recognition.

“Hi,” the dark skinned girl said. “I’m Mary.”

“Lily,” she replied, and felt it. That small, electric click of interest, curiosity. Burning curiosity.

Marlene was already asking about the lake, about cliffs and boats and whether there was decent wine. Pete hovered, nodding enthusiastically. Lily figured perhaps he didn’t speak much. James stood in the middle of it all, hands moving as he talked, laughter easy. Lily watched him, watched how naturally people leaned toward him. It made sense. He’d always felt like gravity. She noticed that Regulus had disappeared, back upstairs maybe, he wasn’t one for new people, or socialising. It had taken them four weeks to get him to even peer out of his shell, and now here were three brand new people for him to contend with. Lily considered going to find him, but changed her mind. He probably needed space. She turned her attention back to their enlarged group, and she chose to stand next to Remus. Mary stayed close to her too as the chaos settled, shoulder brushing hers occasionally, accompanied by little smiles and glances. What was happening? Lily blushed and shot Remus a look, who laughed into his mug. He raised his eyebrows encouragingly. Lily subtly gave him a middle finger.

“So,” Mary murmured, conspiratorially, “how long are you all hiding out up here?”

Lily smiled, small and genuine. “Long enough,” she said.

Mary smiled back, eyes bright.

*****

Later, when everyone was sat outside around the firepit, James found her in the kitchen, making refills of a randomised, whatever was in the fridge punch. She poured half a bottle of vodka into the jug and mixed it, the ice clinking against the glass.

“Hey, Evans.” James was grinning mischievously. He leaned against the counter, grin already sharpened into something nosy.

“What are you up to?” She asked with one eyebrow raised suspiciously.  

“What are you up to?” he parroted.

“Feeding the masses,” Lily said mildly, giving the jug another stir. “Preventing sobriety. Let’s be real, its community service.”

James smirked. “Got enough vodka in there?”

She shot him a look. “You came in here for a reason, Prongs. Out with it.”

He straightened, hands up in mock surrender. “Alright, alright. I was just wondering.” He paused, eyes glinting. “You and Mary.”

Lily barked out a laugh. “Oh, absolutely not.”

“That was very quick,” he said, delighted. “Didn’t even let me finish the sentence.”

“There is no sentence,” she replied, reaching for another bottle. “Mary is a woman I met three hours ago and you are now inventing a love story in your head.”

James watched her pour, head tilted. “You laughed at her jokes.”

“She’s funny.”

“You touched her arm.”

“She was standing right next to me.” Lily said quickly, pouring pineapple juice into the jug.

“You made that face,” he added. “The one you make when you like someone.”

Lily scoffed. “I make that face when I’m tipsy and it’s summer and I’m not at my parents’ house.”

“That’s just not true,” James said. “I would know, it’s a very specific face.”

She capped the bottle with a sharp click and turned on him, smiling resiliently. There was no chance she would give anything away. “James Potter, you are projecting. I refuse to be your entertainment for the evening.”

“Oh come on,” he said lightly, lying over the counter dramatically. “I’m just happy for you.”

“There is nothing to be happy about,” Lily insisted. “Nothing is happening.”

“Yet,” James said with a smug smile. She rolled her eyes, but she was smiling too, warmth which could have been the alcohol warming her. This was the thing with James. He saw things. And worse, he never weaponised them. He just held them up gently, like curiosities. As if to say, hey look at this, have you noticed this? Because I have.

She grabbed one jug, then another, nudging him with her elbow. “If you’re done psychoanalysing me, you can carry those.”

“Yes, ma’am.” He took the jugs easily, grinning as they headed back toward the deck. “For the record, I give it two days.”

She glanced at him sideways. “You’re an idiot.”

“And you love me.” As they stepped back outside, the firepit crackling and laughter spilling into the dark, James shot her a knowing look over his shoulder. Lily mouthed, fuck off, biting back a laugh as she did it.

            She sat beside Remus, taking his hand and squeezing it affectionately. He smiled back at her and reached forwards to pour himself another drink. Lily observed the group. Regulus sat at the edge. James had sat beside him, but there was an uncomfortable space between them. She tried to catch Regulus’ eye, but his gaze remained stoically fixed on the fire pit. He also wasn’t drinking. Then James leant over to him, said something quietly and Regulus shook his head. When James moved away, Lily spotted it. Regulus’ eyes followed him for a fraction of a second and his hand balled around his jeans. She kept her face expressionless, her eyes discreet. Not five minutes later, James passed Regulus a slice of pizza, and Regulus took it. They didn’t look at one another, but the tiniest smile tugged at Regulus’ lips as he took small bites, squashing himself into the corner of the seat, as if he were trying to take up as little space as possible. When he finished, Lily noticed James look back at him, and smile victoriously. The sneaky little fucker. Lily thought, in shock. And he had the audacity to question her crush?! She made a point to herself of catching James alone and questioning him back just as hard.

Chapter Text

Chapter Eleven

Today marked the start of the fifth week at the lake house. James’ friends had been there for three days and frankly, Regulus hadn’t taken to any of them. He found Pete creepy. The guy followed James around like a stalker, constantly lurking on the outskirts of his conversations and pawing at him for attention. Every time he put hands on James, Regulus wanted to throttle him. He wasn’t jealous. James didn’t belong to him. He was simply concerned about this weird stalker kid obsessing over him. Was that harsh? Regulus didn’t care. As for the girls. Marlene was really fucking loud. Regulus didn’t get on with people who were obnoxiously loud, apart from Barty, but that was different. Barty was theatrically loud, Marlene was just a lot. Then there was Mary, Regulus thought, was the most amenable of the three. She was chilled, polite and Lily seemed to like her. So, that was all Regulus needed to know for now. She didn’t annoy him, and that was more than could be said for the other two.

            Regulus felt like he’d isolated himself the past three days. There were too many people in the house. He wasn’t one for huge social circles. Particularly those which included people he didn’t know, nor like. So he’d kept to his room, or to the jetty, sitting with his legs hanging over the end, reading, or scrolling on his phone, or even just staring out at the water, watching the boats whizz in and out of view. It was one such afternoon, where he was sat at the end of jetty, on his phone when he heard footsteps echoing off the wooden planks behind him.

“Just me.” James warned, as if he expected him to bolt.

Regulus looked up, squinting into the sun as James sat down beside him. “What do you want Potter? Does your fan club not demand your presence at all times?”

James chuckled, settling back on his hands, his legs dangling off the end beside Regulus’. “Jealous?”

“Of them?” Regulus scoffed. “Dream on.” He knew James was watching him. But lord he didn’t dare look. He couldn’t handle the damn dimples right now.

“Do you want to hike up to the view point this evening with us for sunset?”

“No, thank you. I’ll stay here with Remus.” Regulus said, shoving his phone in his pocket. He looked out at the water again. The silence aged between them.

“Here.” James said eventually, and handed him a flat stone.

“Are you a fucking penguin Potter, why have you given me a rock?” he scowled, offended by the stupidity.

James laughed, like the bloody sun. “No, it’s for skimming! Watch.” He took another from his pocket and tucked his arm to his chest then flung it out, releasing the stone. As it jumped across the surface of the lake, Regulus gasped ever so slightly. The rock sank with a plop, but Regulus was still staring at the ripples. “Can I show you?” James asked cautiously.

Regulus nodded and swallowed. Why was he suddenly nervous? James moved closer, and took Regulus’ hand in his, arranging the stone in his fingers, then moved Regulus’ arm in an arc, back and forth. “So, you’re throwing flat, from your chest, make sure your arm stays horizontal with the stone.” Regulus wasn’t listening because James’ head was hovering over his shoulder and his voice was in his ear, his hands were on Regulus’ arm, and his brain was about to up and implode. “Got it?”

“Mmhmm.” Regulus managed. He curled his arm in and flicked. The stone flew out, hit the water once and sank. “Evidently, that was wasted on me.”

“No, never wasted.” James said softly, incredibly sincerely. “I can find hundreds of skimming stones. We can keep practicing.”

“We?”

James stumbled then, for the first time since Regulus had met him, usually he was all arrogance and confidence. But now… The guy was tripping over his words. “Well, you. I mean, I don’t have to be there. Of course, you can practice on your own.”

Regulus bit his lip and looked out at the remnants of his single ripple. They fell into easy quiet. James skimmed another rock, and they both watched it, four, five, six jumps. The ripples grew, stretching across the surface of the lake.

“Is that a scar?” James asked, a few minutes later, pointing to the circular mark on Regulus’ left hand, between his thumb and forefinger.

He tensed, staring at it, the memory flooding him. “Oh. Yeah.” He cleared his throat. Was he really about to tell him this? Apparently so. “It’s a cigarette burn. Courtesy of my father. It was Sirius’ punishment when father found out he was smoking. Father said it would sink in better if it were me to be the one punished. Ruined Sirius for months.”

James didn’t speak. Then he said quietly, “Regulus that’s awful.”

He just shrugged. “That’s nothing.”

Hesitation followed. “Is that…” James begun, “Is that the only one?”

Regulus sucked his bottom lip into his mouth and said nothing. Then he did something that he hadn’t done in front of anyone, ever. He lifted the back of his hoodie and t-shirt, revealing at least ten more similar burns on his lower back, around his spine and disappearing up underneath the hoodie towards his shoulders.

“Regulus…” James’ face was white as a sheet. “How old were you?”

He inhaled slowly, thinking. “Fifteen maybe?”

James didn’t touch him. Regulus was thankful for that. He lowered his hoodie back over his skin. “It’s weird.”

“What is?”

“You’re the only person I’ve ever shown those to. So don’t go telling people.” He stared resolutely ahead, heart beating a little quicker.

“I wouldn’t. But, Regulus,” James exhaled. “Did you tell like… an adult? Go to the police?”

Regulus laughed loudly. Acutely loudly for the nature of their conversation. “The police? No. Not in my family. My uncle is the state commissioner, James. Nothing would have happened.”

“That’s fucked up.”

“That’s my family.” Regulus sang, sarcastically. “Surely Sirius told you that?”

“He doesn’t talk about family much.” James said quietly.

“I don’t blame him. I can’t fathom why I’m telling you about it.” He sniggered with a shake of his head. The lake lapped, the cicadas sang in the late afternoon. “Mad really.”

“Well. You’re welcome to talk to me about it. Any of it. Okay?”

Regulus didn’t answer.

Then there was a long inhale next to him, and an exhale. Regulus found himself imitating it, regulating, somewhat.

“I’m craving something, but I can’t work out what. Pasta? Steak? Can’t put my finger on it.” James said. Regulus was thankful for a change of subject. “What’s your favourite food?”

Regulus was stumped by the domesticity of the question. He swung his legs to and fro under the jetty, watching the water. “Tomato soup, with grilled cheese.” When James didn’t answer, he glanced at him. The fucker was smiling. Idiot.

“That is not what I expected you to say.”

Regulus frowned, intrigued. “Okay then. What did you expect?”

“I don’t know! Like duck, or some posh French thing I can’t pronounce.” He laughed, looking up at the clouds.

Regulus smiled too, laughing softly. “What? Like bouillabaisse?”

James turned to look at him. “Sweetheart, I don’t even know what that is!”

Regulus sucked in a surprised breath, flushed which he recovered quickly, hiding the way he was uncontrollably blushing. “Well. No. I’m actually a home comforts person. You can never go wrong. I get sick of all that fancy shit, reminds me too much of my family.”

“Noted.” James nodded.

They sat in silence a little while longer. Regulus left first, complaining of having sat there for too long. In reality, he was freaking out. This man would be the death of him. And what was worse, was that he was certain that James didn’t even realise what he was doing. From what Sirius had told him, the guy barely spent a night at college in his own bed. He was a serial flirt and a glorified, but granted, gorgeous, slut. He couldn’t allow himself to fall for it. Couldn’t allow himself to fall for the eyelashes, the dimples and that damned smile. He had more dignity than that. More self-respect.

*****

            When Regulus came downstairs that evening for dinner, he couldn’t help the smile that passed over him, the warm butterflies in his stomach, or the way James’ dumb proud smile almost floored him. He’d made dinner. James Potter had made tomato soup, and grilled fucking cheese.

“Prongs this smells incredible!” Lily mused, rubbing her hands together, leaning across the counter to admire the pan of soup.

Regulus was still staring at James. James was staring right back, smiling smugly. Awkwardly, Regulus rubbed his hands on his jeans and crossed the living space, arms now drawn across his middle as if to calm the butterflies. Had this man really cooked his favourite meal just because? Because why? Regulus didn’t want to face the explanation. The answer felt too hopeful.

“Can I interest you in soup and grilled cheese?” James asked, a cocky smile threatening the corners of his mouth as Regulus reached him. A bowl was held out, like a peace offering.

Regulus shrugged, flashing a playful glance up at him. “Perhaps.” He took the bowl. “Did you make this for me?” he asked quietly, as they took a portion of grilled cheese.

It was James’ turn to shrug. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Black.” Then he smiled devilishly.

Regulus elbowed him, supressing a smile. “It smells really good.”

“Well, the chef requires your rating afterwards. He was told explicitly that you are the expert on tomato soup and grilled cheese.”

“Shut up.” He chuckled, shaking his head. This felt easy, it was nice, being like this with one another. As long as he didn’t start to analyse what this might be.

            They all sat inside, the weather was still pretty questionable and there was a strong wind building over the lake, so no one felt like braving the deck. Regulus sat beside Lily, and unexpectedly, James sat on his other side. The others slotted in around the table. Wine was poured, and spoons began clinking against bowls. Regulus became acutely aware of James’ knee the moment it brushed his own beneath the table. It was accidental. Almost certainly. And yet neither of them moved away. Instead, James’ foot shifted, the toe nudging lightly against Regulus’, retreating, returning. A quiet question mark.

“Well, I think it’s doable.” Across the table, Marlene was halfway through proposing something involving kayaks and a long hike, gesturing animatedly with her fork. “We used to do it all the time as kids.”

“Could go up to Huckleberry Point Lookout?” Pete chimed.

Lily leaned back in her chair, wine glass cradled in one hand, watching the discussion with amused detachment. She rested her head on Remus’ shoulder.

“I just think,” Marlene was saying, “if we leave early, we could do both. The trail and the rocks.”

“That sounds ambitious,” Mary said mildly. “But not impossible.”

Sirius grinned. “Come on, live a little! Why not?”

Marlene turned to James. “What do you think? Sound like a good plan?”

James blinked. “What?” A few heads turned towards him. Regulus felt heat bloom up his neck, acutely conscious of the way James’ foot stilled, just for a second, before resuming its gentle tap.

“I asked if that sounds like a good plan,” Marlene repeated.

“Oh. Yeah. Yeah, sure,” James said quickly. “Sounds great.”

Regulus dropped his gaze to his soup, lips twitching.

“Good, right so we would have to leave early.” Marlene continued. Regulus droned her out. He lifted the spoon to his lips, followed by another mouthful. And another. The warmth settled low in his chest, the familiar comfort sneaking up on him. The conversation continued. Plans were adapted, it seemed the rocks had been scrapped. Not that he would have gone anyway. He and Remus would probably stay and sit out on the lawn. Regulus ate steadily, methodically, until he realised with a jolt that his bowl was empty. His plate too. He stared at it, momentarily stunned. A full meal. The first he’d completely eaten in months. James noticed. Of course he did. He always noticed. Then the bastard smiled, like he’d won some age old bet.

“I need more wine!” Sirius projected, dramatically. He stood and sauntered towards the kitchen, joined by Marlene.

As the others stood to clear plates and refill glasses, James leaned closer, voice pitched low, meant only for Regulus. “So?” he asked. “Score out of ten?”

Regulus huffed softly, pulling a face as if considering it with great seriousness. “Mm. It was alright,” he said, tone deliberately unimpressed.

James’ smile faltered just a touch. “Only alright?”

“I’m kidding,” Regulus added, glancing at him sideways, flirtatiously. Despicable behaviour, he chastised himself. How had tomato soup managed to reduce him to this? Falling over James’ every word. Still, he didn’t stop himself. “I’d give it a solid nine.”

James’ grin returned immediately, brighter this time. “Nine?” he echoed, his lips pursing in consideration. “What dropped me a point?”

Regulus tilted his head, eyes flicking briefly to the crowded table, the noise, the easy closeness of everyone else. Then back to James. “The company was a bit much.”

James laughed under his breath, soft and fond, and it felt like a small, dangerous victory. “Just us next time then?”

Sirius burst into their conversation then, tipsy and loud. “Prongs!” he shouted, throwing an arm around James’ shoulders. “Hot tub and drinks? We’re all keen, apart from Moony because he’s going to bed.”

James smirked. “Sure. You keen?” he said, looking at Regulus, who paled.

“No.” he said, shaking his head. “I’m going to have a quiet one I think.”

            Regulus snuck away shortly after, slinking upstairs without saying goodnight. He didn’t want the attention of everyone asking why he didn’t want to stay, whether he was alright, if he needed anything. He knew it was because they were being kind. They cared about him or some nonsense, but he’d rather no one notice that he’d gone, to have slipped silently away back to the safety of his bedroom.

******

Mid-afternoon meant everyone else was scattered. Sirius and Remus were down by the water, swimming and sunbathing. Lily was surely curled somewhere with a book, or with Mary and Marlene. And James, mercifully, was nowhere in sight. Regulus liked the house best in these quiet pockets, when it existed for him alone. The times when he didn’t feel watched, or overly included, or carefully not included. He lined the chopping board with unnecessary precision. Tomatoes. Basil. A knife that was sharper than it looked. All he wanted was a sandwich. He hadn’t had breakfast, nor dinner the night before. He’d had a panic attack and decided to skip the entire thing. Sirius communicated this to everyone for him, so he didn’t have to even come downstairs. So, by two o’clock the next afternoon, he was starving.

He held the tomato in his hand. The slice was quick, clean, almost elegant. He didn’t register the pain at first, just the sudden warmth, the way his palm felt slick. He stared at it numbly for a second, watching the red well up, spill over his skin and drip onto the pale wood of the counter.

“Fuck,” he said faintly. Blood always did this to him. A draining, hollow pull. Nausea. Dizziness. He moved automatically, pressing his thumb into his palm, grabbing for a towel. He wrapped it tight, jaw clenched, breath shallow. He could deal with this. He always dealt with things alone. He was fine.

“Reg?” James’ voice came from behind him.

Regulus flinched and the room tilted. “I’m fine,” he snapped without turning. “Go away.”

James didn’t. He crossed the kitchen in long strides, already rolling up his sleeves. “You’re bleeding.”

“I said I’m fine.” Regulus tried to sound sharp, in control, but the word wobbled and slurred. The towel was already soaking through, dark and sticky. His stomach lurched.

James stopped just short of touching him. Careful. Always so careful. It made Regulus want to scream. “Let me help,” James said quietly.

“No.” Regulus shook his head, a little too fast. “I don’t need…” The room swayed. The edges of the world bent, his ears felt as if they’d be stuffed with cotton wool. Regulus swallowed hard, blinking down at the floor, willing it to stop. His knees felt far away and out of control.

“Regulus,” James said authoritatively. “Hey. Sit down.”

“I said,” Regulus’ voice cut off as his vision tunnelled. He swayed, the towel slipping from his hand. One moment Regulus was upright, stubbornly vertical. The next, he was tipping forward, the floor rushing up, and then there were hands on him. Solid. Warm. An arm braced around his back, another steadying his wrist, keeping his injured hand elevated.

“Easy,” James murmured instinctively. “I’ve got you.”

Regulus hated the way his body betrayed him, sagging into that hold. He hated the way James’ grip tightened just enough to keep him steady. “I told you not to help me,” Regulus muttered weakly, though he didn’t pull away.

James ignored that completely. “You’re going to pass out if you don’t sit the fuck down.” He guided Regulus to a chair, crouching in front of him, eyes flicking from Regulus’ face to his hand. Focused. Gone was the easy grin, the golden retriever energy. This James was all concern, and it made Regulus’ chest ache. James peeled back the towel carefully and hissed. “That’s a decent cut.”

“I’ve had worse,” Regulus said, too quickly.

“I know.” James’ mouth hardened.

Retreating, he stood, grabbed the first aid kit from under the sink and rifled through it, pulling out bandages, wipes and padding. When he came back, he took Regulus’ hand, delicately but decisively. Regulus let him. The contact sent a stupid, traitorous shiver through his body. James’ thumbs were warm, steady as he cleaned the cut, applying steri-strips to knit the skin back together and wrapped it properly. He worked like he’d done this a hundred times, head bent, glasses casting shadows against his cheeks. Regulus watched him instead of the blood. It helped.

“Next time,” James said lightly, “maybe call for backup before making a blood sacrifice, love. Okay?”

“There won’t be a next time,” Regulus replied, voice steadier now.

James glanced up at him, eyes searching his face. “You don’t have to do everything alone, you know.”

Regulus swallowed. “I do,” he said softly. And then, because he couldn’t stand the way James was looking at him, the way the space between them felt too small and too charged, he added, unkindly, “You can go now. I’m fine.”

James hesitated. Then he nodded. “Alright,” he said with a sigh. “But yell if you need me.”

Regulus didn’t answer. He sat there long after James left the kitchen, heart still hammering, hand throbbing gently in its bandage. His skin felt too tight, and as for his thoughts, they were a fucking mess.

Chapter Text

Chapter Twelve

James kept his pace leisurely, long strides shortened for Lily beside him as the trail curved upward through pine and granite. The air smelled like pine needles and lake water. Behind them, the rest of the group trailed in loose succession, voices drifting forward in fragments. Sirius was hooning around between the trees with Marlene’s hat as she chased him, screeching with laughter and bellowing curse words, and swiping at him as he dodged her. James didn’t turn around. He liked this pocket of quiet at the front. Liked that Lily had fallen into step with him. The house was so busy this week, he felt like he’d barely seen her.

“So,” he said casually, hopping over a root. “Mary.”

Lily shot him a look. “What about Mary?”

James grinned. “Don’t play dumb, Evans. You get this little line between your eyebrows whenever she talks. It’s very telling. In my personal, and I should say, professional opinion, I think you have a big old crush.”

Lily scoffed, but there was colour creeping into her cheeks. “You’re imagining things.”

“I am not,” James said. “I’ve known Mary since we were fourteen. She’s incredible. Smart, terrifyingly competent, dry as hell but best of all she’s got a good heart. Pretends she doesn’t, but she does.”

Lily snorted. “You sound like you’re writing her a character reference.”

“No, I’m serious, Lils. I just think,” he went on, more gently now, “if anyone deserves someone like her, it’s you.”

She rolled her eyes, though her smile betrayed her. “James, nothing has happened. We’ve exchanged, what, three meaningful looks and one conversation about how bad Pete is at card games.”

“That’s how it starts,” he said, shrugging. “Trust me.”

Lily laughed, shaking her head. “You’re ridiculous.”

“Hopeful,” James corrected. “I’m rooting for you wholeheartedly. Obnoxiously.”

She bumped her shoulder into his. “You would be.” They walked in companionable silence for a few steps, the trail opening briefly to a glimpse of blue water through the trees. Then Lily glanced sideways at him, eyes analytical despite the casual tilt of her head. “And what about you, lover boy?” she asked lightly. “What about your crush?”

James didn’t miss a step. “What crush?” It came out too quickly.

Lily hummed, entirely unconvinced. “Right. You want me to believe that there is nothing going on in this house that is currently a secret?”

“No Evans, God. Nothing is happening. I’m serious,” he added, a little too defensively. “I’m just enjoying the summer. That’s all. No crush. Nothing, going on or whatever.”

“I call big fat bullshit.” She smiled knowingly and nodded, lips pressed together in an unconvinced line, but she didn’t push. “Fine, keep your secrets,” she said, voice warm as the sun filtering through the leaves.

James let out a breath and stopped, turning on his heels and looking back at the rest of them, pratting around amongst the trees. They waited for them to catch up. He didn’t say anything else. It was obvious that they both knew he was lying. James was just thankful that Lily wasn’t nearly as nosy as Sirius would have been.

******

That evening felt disjointed. James noticed it first in the way Regulus couldn’t seem to settle. Dinner had long since been cleared, the house settling into its familiar evening rhythm. Music played low in the background, a jazz album, Mary’s choice. Cards on the coffee table and a collection of college students spread out around them, talking, laughing. Some on the floor, some on the sofas. Sirius and Remus were murmuring together on the couch, tucked into one another, as if forgetting the rest of their friends were there. Lily laughed into her wine glass as Mary said something witty, their eyes meeting, addressing words unspoken. Pete and Marlene sat opposite one another, a chess board between them. Marlene was very strict on the use of the stop clock to mark their turns. Pete looked flushed to say the least. James watched them, nursing a beer, not feeling it, but enjoying their company all the same. It was ordinary, it was relaxed.

But Regulus was none of those things.

He shifted from chair to floor to windowsill, fingers worrying the hem of his sleeve, gaze flicking to the doors and then away again. He answered when spoken to, polite and brief, but there was a tightness about him that James had come to recognise. A coiled, inward look. Like a thorn had lodged beneath his ribs. James decided to try to make conversation, after having watched this restless performance for an hour. He waited until Regulus stood, walking skittishly to the kitchen to put his glass in the dishwasher. James joined him beside the sink. Eyes soft, relaxed, as gentle as he could make himself.

“Reggie. You alright?” he asked quietly.

Regulus didn’t look at him. “Fine.”

“You don’t seem fine, love.”

Regulus shook his head. “Not here.”

That was the end of it. He slipped past James like smoke, taking the stairs two at a time, without another word. That somehow made it worse. James watched him go, catching his eye momentarily as he rounded the banister at the top of the staircase.

James stayed downstairs longer than he intended, suddenly restless too. Would it be weird to knock on his door? Would it be weirder to bring him something? A drink, or food? A book? James considered. Did they even have any books in the house? No. He decided it would be imposing. He’d seem like a lot. James was often told that he came on too strong, that he was too intense. That he was, a lot.

When he finally retreated to his room, he didn’t bother with trying to go to bed. He sat on the wide window seat instead, knees drawn up, watching the lake through the glass as moonlight silvered the water into an ethereal wonderland. That was when he spotted Regulus. A shadow crossing the grass. Bare feet pale against dark ground. Shirt loose around his shoulders. Moving with quiet intent toward the dock.

“Oh fuck.” He cursed under his breath and was on his feet instantly. He didn’t think. He grabbed the hoodie from the back of his door and tugged it on as he plummeted down the stairs, slipping out the back door and jogging across the lawn. By the time he reached the jetty, Regulus was already waist deep in the lake, dark hair damp, shoulders hunched against the cold.

“Regulus!” James called in the softest shouted whisper he could manage. “What the hell are you doing?”

Regulus didn’t turn. “Swimming.” He waded farther in, water lapping higher against his ribs.

“Its three in the morning!” James swore under his breath and kicked off his shoes. “Jesus, it’s freezing. Are you trying to get hypothermia?”

“I’m fine, James. Go away.” He sounded detached. James’ stomach churned.

“Reg.” He stepped onto the jetty, heart hammering and walked to the end, sitting down. Regulus was a few feet from him, treading water. “Talk to me,” he said, softer now. “Please.”

Regulus finally glanced back, eyes bright in the moonlight, expression closed off. “If you’re going to hover, you might as well get in. You’re already annoying me, as usual.”

James snorted. Relief loosened something in his chest, if he was able to crack a joke, perhaps he was alright? Right? “Good to know I’m consistent.”

He stripped down to his boxers and slid into the lake with a gasp. “Fuck, you’ve got to be kidding me,” he hissed, teeth chattering. “That’s obscenely cold.”

“In all the time you’ve spent here, you’ve never swum at night?” Regulus huffed a sound that might almost have been a laugh.

“Jesus. Fuck,” James panted as he tried to acclimatise to the icy water. “No! I sleep at nighttime, funnily enough!”

“Lucky you.” Regulus replied emotionlessly.

They floated a few feet apart, the water black and cold around them, moonlight broken into shards by their movement. James paddled closer, careful not to crowd him, staying just within reach.

“You okay?” he asked again, quieter. “Tell me the truth.”

Regulus shrugged, shoulders barely breaking the surface. “Had a shitty day.”

James waited.

“My brain,” Regulus added after a moment, as if to clarify. “Not anyone here. Before you start apologising on everyone’s behalf.”

James nodded. “Wasn’t planning on it.” They trod water silently. “Your brain, you mean your anxiety?”

“Yes, Potter. The crippling monster that breathes down my neck and haunts my dreams.” The dry sarcasm didn’t hide the truth within Regulus’ words. They drifted, the lake holding them both. The night pressed in close, heavy and intimate. Crickets chirred along the shore. Somewhere far off, a loon called, low and mournful.

“What can I do to help you?” James asked finally.

Regulus laughed softly, humourless. “Nothing. There isn’t a fix. That’s kind of the point.”

James swallowed. “I don’t need to fix it, but I might be able to share the load.”

Regulus looked at him then. Really looked. “I don’t need your pity.” His lips were practically blue.

“I’m not trying to pity you. Not at all.”

“Not everyone is as perfect as you, Potter.”

James shivered as a gust of wind whipped around his neck. Regulus’ teeth were practically chattering. “You’re freezing, love. Why don’t we go inside?”

Regulus swallowed and looked out at the faint treeline on the other side of the lake, darker than the water, but only just. It was hard to distinguish them. “The cold helps.” He said almost to himself. “It makes me feel calm.”

James’ forehead was knotted with concern. His own skin was covered in goosebumps, and his teeth were also on the verge of chattering uncontrollably. He pushed through the water, closer to Regulus, ready to drag him out of the lake himself. He paused, a foot away from the younger man. His breath was shallow as he watched Regulus fight himself, grapple with this monster that haunted him. The space between them felt charged, magnetic. James became acutely aware of how close they were, how easy it would be to close the distance. How his hands hovered uselessly in the water, aching with restraint. God, he wanted to kiss him.

Regulus met his eyes. Grey in the sunlight, black in the dark. James found them utterly captivating. Could he kiss him? Would that ruin everything? Would he run straight to Sirius? Would his friendship with Sirius be over? Regulus was still looking at him. They were even closer now, breath mingling in white puffs against the cold of the night air. Neither of them moved. James tipped his forehead closer, breath shallow. Regulus’ gaze dropped to his mouth, then back up to his eyes. The world seemed to narrow to a single suspended second. Then Regulus exhaled sharply and pushed backwards into the blackened water. James’ shoulder’s dropped.

“I should go,” he said, already turning towards the jetty. “It’s late.”

Despondently, James nodded, forcing a smile he didn’t feel. “Yeah. Sure. Do you want me to come with you?”

“No. Please, just leave me alone.” Regulus said curtly. He watched Regulus climb out, water streaming down his legs, shirt clinging to him as he picked up his towel and chucked it around his shoulders. He didn’t look back. James stayed in the water a moment longer. His chest was tight and he felt his heart sinking with heavy certainty.

“Right.” He sighed. How many times did Regulus have to reject him for him to get it? Evidently, this stupid childish crush was not reciprocated. Regulus wished to be left alone. “Got it.” He mumbled and let himself drift backwards, staring up at the moon.

*****

            As James breached the top of the staircase and sauntered sadly around the corner, he noticed that Regulus’ bedroom door was open. Not just a crack, but like all the way open. Being respectful, James intended to ignore it. Regulus had set a clear boundary, and James needed to work this stupid infatuation out of his system before it got him into trouble. He carried his dry clothes under his arm, but he still wore his boxers which were soaking, and they did nothing to hide the fact that he was already half hard, partly from the cold, but mostly from the way Regulus had looked at him, the way his eyes changed, how beautiful he had looked in the moonlight. James opened his own bedroom door.

“James.”

His stomach flipped. He glanced over his shoulder. Regulus was stood in the doorway of his own room, in sweatpants and a hoodie, both far too big for him.

“I’m, sorry.” James started. “About, before. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“I didn’t mean…” Regulus said, then stopped. His leg bounced anxiously. James didn’t dare move, terrified of spooking him. “I… I don’t want you to leave me alone. I didn’t mean that.”

“I was overstepping.”

“No. You weren’t.” a pause. “Thanks. For checking on me.” Regulus shifted his weight. The corridor loomed like no man’s land between them. “My head is all over the place at the minute.”

“I meant what I said.” James mirrored him, leaning against the doorway. “You can talk to me. I want to help.”

Regulus shook his head, eyes closed. “You don’t want to get involved in all of this shit.”

James stopped himself before he said something really telling. He re-thought. “Well. The offer stands.” I do want to be involved. I want to know your every thought. I want to hold you. I want to be your comfort. He clenched his jaw instead and said nothing else. He didn’t trust his tongue. And he sure as shit didn’t trust the aching need in his boxers.

“Thanks.” Regulus inhaled. “I’m going to sleep. I’ve got a headache and I’m freezing.”

“Can I get you anything?” James asked. Please let me do something for you. “A hot water bottle? Hot drink? More blankets?”

“No, thank you.” The dark haired man smiled politely. “Goodnight.”

“Night.” He whispered as Regulus’ door closed.

“Fucking fuck this fucking bullshit.” James muttered and retreated into his room.

******

James could hear raised voices. He sat up in bed, the late morning light cascading over him. He looked at his phone. After ten. Shit, he’d slept for ages. Everyone else would be up. Considering this, he began to stress, what a terrible host he was. Had they found everything they needed for breakfast? Were they expecting him? He worried as he pulled on a hoodie and some shorts but continued raised voices pulled his attention to the corridor. James shuffled off the bed after pulling on socks and went to his door, opening it with a gentle click, peering through the gap. Regulus’ bedroom door was wide open. Sirius stood in the doorway, more in the room than out of it. James could see Regulus sat on the bed. He looked upset.  

“J’vais lâcher l’université.” James heard Sirius say.

Regulus stared at him. “T’es malade.”

Jesus Christ, James wished he could speak French. Why had he fucked around so much in high school?!

Sirius shook his head, pacing now, voice urgent. “Écoute moi deux secondes, Reggie. J’vais me trouver une job. N’importe quoi. J’vais louer un appart. On s’en va..”

“Non.” Regulus snapped. “Tu fais pas ça pour moi.”

Sirius’ hands were in his hair, James knew he should stop watching, but he couldn’t bring himself to step away from the door.

“Pourquoi pas?” Sirius said with attitude, hands on his hips.

“Parce que c’est stupide!” Regulus’ voice rose. “Tu vas pas foutre ta vie en l’air juste parce que t’as décidé que j’avais besoin d’être sauvé.”

“J’te sauverai pas, j’te sortirai.” Sirius shot back. “Y’a une différence.”

“Sortir de quoi, exactement?”

“De ça!” Sirius gestured wildly. James shifted his weight from foot to foot. “De leur monde. De la France. Des foutus soupers d’affaires pis des mariages déguisés en contrats.”

Were they talking about marriage? Marriage to who? James frowned, wanting to get closer, but knowing that opening the door any further would certainly reveal him. Not that it mattered, he could barely understand a word they were saying, save for fragments. Like, marriage. James looked on. Regulus’ jaw tightened and he said nothing. James watched his brow knit, his features settle defensively. Regulus folded his arms across his stomach. James had an overwhelming desire to hold him.

“Non.” Sirius barked. “J’te connais. Pis je les connais. Ils vont t’aspirer pis tu diras rien.”

Regulus stepped closer to his brother. “C’est pas ton rôle.”

“Ben c’est quoi mon rôle alors?”  Sirius demanded. “Regarder mon p’tit frère se faire enfermer dans une vie qu’il a pas choisie?”

“J’ai choisi McGill. J’ai choisi mes études.”

McGill? James thought. Were they arguing about Regulus’ studies?

“Pis après?” Sirius fired back. “Tu veux quoi après, Reggie? Rester dans cette maison sombre pour le reste de ta vie?”

Regulus flinched. “Arrête.”

Stop. James knew that word. He bristled, defensively. Should he go out there?

“Aie un peu d’ambition, tabarnak!” Sirius shouted, voice cracking. “Tu vaux plus que ça!”

Regulus’ voice dropped. Fuck he sounds so angry, James thought with concern. He cursed himself for being so bloody useless. “Tu sais rien de ce que je veux.”

“Alors dis-le-moi!”

“C’est pas à toi!” Regulus snapped back, equally loud now. “C’est pas ta vie!”

Sirius laughed, harshly. James didn’t recognise this side of him, this tone. Sirius was witty and quick sure, but in this moment, he was vibrating with poorly controlled anger. “Ah ouais?”

Regulus stopped pacing. Looked straight at him. “C’est pas ton combat.” Regulus said sharply. “C’est pas ta job de me sauver.”

“Ben quelqu’un faut qu’il le fasse.”

Regulus stepped forward, voice shaking but controlled. “Je peux me sauver tout seul.”

Sirius laughed once, bitter and ugly. “Ah ouais?”

James almost left. Almost shut the door. But then the brothers went dangerously quiet. James could see Regulus. Face pinched. Tears streaming down his cheeks. He couldn’t just stand here and say nothing?

“Comme quand tu refuses de manger parce que maman t’a dit de pas grossir? Ça, c’est ça te sauver?” Sirius pressed.

Regulus went very still. When he spoke, his voice cracked, tears spilling over his cheeks. “Va te faire foutre, Sirius.” James’ chest ached. God he wanted to hold him. Regulus started walking, pushing past his brother. “T’as dépassé la ligne.”

“Reggie! Wait!” Sirius said, pulling at his brother’s sleeve which was aggressively snatched away from him. James swallowed, and backed away from the door. How long should he leave it before he went to check on Regulus?

His bedroom door flew open.

“Prongs.”

James jumped, shooting back.

“Jesus.” Sirius said dryly. “Who shat on your grave?”

“Sorry, you surprised me.” James offered, weakly. “You… okay?”

Sirius scoffed. “You heard.”

James lifted his shoulders. “If it helps, I didn’t understand a word.”  Sirius didn’t say anything. He threw himself on James’ bed and groaned in frustration. “You look like shit,” James said gently.

Sirius huffed a humourless laugh. “Yeah. Earned that.”

James leant against his wardrobe. “What happened? You guys are so close usually.”

Sirius nodded. “I was trying to help. That’s the fucked thing.” He laughed in disbelief. “I told him I’d drop out. Get a job. Get us a place. Get him out.”

James went very still, eyes wide, jaw dropped to the floor. “Sorry?! You were going to what?”

“Drop out,” Sirius repeated, flat. “College. Football. All of it.”

“Mate,” James said, shocked. “You can’t do that.”

Sirius finally looked at him. “I can. And I would.”

James opened his mouth, then closed it again.

“Regulus comes first,” Sirius said, voice rough. “Before school. Before football. Before everything. I don’t care.”

James tried to comprehend this with the anger he’d just witnessed between them.

Sirius scrubbed a hand down his face. “And then I got angry. Said something, I shouldn’t have.” He groaned, cursing under his breath. “I lashed out.”

James swallowed. “What did you say?”

Sirius shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. It did the damage.” He stared out of the window. “He won’t speak to me for days now.”

            A few minutes later, Sirius left in search of a coffee and his boyfriend, and James couldn’t help but go and look for Regulus. He couldn’t leave him so upset, to spiral on his own, even if Sirius thought it would be best to leave him alone. James had promised to help Regulus, and he wasn’t about to break that promise. He dressed and padded down the stairs. After checking every room, he spotted Regulus on the end of the jetty. Sat. Legs swinging off the end. James sighed and after watching him for a prolonged minute, made his way towards him.

“Fuck off Sirius.” Regulus yelled and reddened when he looked behind him. “Oh. Sorry. I thought you were my brother.”

“Don’t sweat it, its fine.” James sat carefully beside him. “Are you alright?”

Regulus shrugged.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I bet Sirius has already told you all about it.” Regulus said nastily.

James hesitated. “I don’t like to form opinions on half a story. If you’re willing to give me yours, I’ll gladly listen.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Hey.” James leant forwards, catching the younger man’s eye. “Yes, it does. Regulus. Of course it matters. Perhaps more than anything else.”

Regulus eyes filled with tears again and he looked away to his right, into the trees. He shook his head. “He is making stupid decisions.”

“About you?” James probed, without giving away what he knew.

Regulus shrugged again. “About everything. He thinks me weak and unable to make my own decisions. Just because I’m not as bold and fucking idiotic as him, and I don’t disrespect our parents at any given opportunity. Apparently, to Sirius that makes me weak.”

“You aren’t weak, Regulus.” James said firmly.

“I don’t stick up for myself.” Dark hair fell over his face. He was gripping his hands in tight fists in his lap.

“That still doesn’t make you weak. Not by any count.”

Regulus rubbed his thumb over the pebble in his lap. Smooth and round, and small enough to fit snugly in the palm of his hand. “It is as if he wants to make them as angry as he can.”

“Your parents?”

Regulus nodded. “He thinks he’s protecting me.” His voice levelled. “Don’t let him drop out, James. You have to talk to him. He’ll listen to you.”

“I’ll try.” James promised and paused, considering how to frame his next question. “He said he said something cruel. If you wanted to tell me, or I don’t know. You don’t have to, but Sirius feels awful about it.”

Regulus laughed unkindly. “He feels bad! Oh wow then I forgive him instantly.”

Squeaks of laughter came from the house. The two men looked over their shoulders, but the laughter retreated further into the glass covered house. “That’s not what he expects. He just wants you to know that he didn’t mean it.” James added cautiously.

“You don’t know Sirius nearly as well as you think you do.” Regulus said plainly, rubbing the pebble between his fingers. His hand was still bandaged, the edges fraying with time. “He always says what he means.”

“Maybe I don’t, but I know he didn’t mean to hurt you.”  James exhaled slowly. A goose honked repeatedly as it landed clumsily on the surface of the lake, but quickly regained its balance and urgently swam in search of something, ploughing through the water.

“My mother thinks I eat too much.” Regulus admitted, eyes cast sternly forwards.

James stared at him, frightened that one wrong move, one wrong word, and he’d run. “She has said that to you?”

He nodded. “Regulus you are getting larger. Regulus how do you intend to be respected with a waist that large? Do not eat that Regulus have you any idea the calories in rubbish like that? Why doesn’t this fit you anymore, Regulus? Do you even care about yourself these days?” He imitated, rubbing a hand across his cheek roughly.

“Reg.” James swallowed the rest of his sentence. He had no idea what to say.

Regulus rubbed his face on his sleeve. “Sirius did say something cruel. But what was worse is that it was like listening to her. That’s what upset me. Everyone is so fucking concerned with what I eat.”

James wanted desperately to pull him in, to hold him. But he had no idea whether that was the right thing to do. He didn’t know how to comfort Regulus. What made him tick. But fuck, he wanted to know.  “You shouldn’t listen to her because none of that is true. You are perfect, Regulus. No matter what you eat. You are the only one who can decide what you put in your body. No one should have that much power over you, not even your mother.”

Regulus’ shoulders rose and he looked away, hiding his face.

“I think you’re incredible.” James nudged him gently.

“Yeah, well we all know you’re an idiot.”

He laughed, loudly. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“Don’t.” Regulus said, but James could tell he was smiling too. They could hear the goose again, protesting loudly. The lake went quiet. “How do you do that?”

“Do what?” James cocked his head to one side, curls flopping with gravity.

“Make me laugh. Even when I feel like shit.”

James smiled and shrugged. “Fuck me, was that another compliment? Wow Regulus, two in one day are you feeling alright? Maybe you should punch me to even it out!” he chuckled, laughing when he was shoved playfully.

“Shut up.” Regulus said, smiling broadly, tear tracks drying on his cheeks. “You’re-”

“An idiot?” James interrupted, smirking.

“Precisely.” Regulus rolled his eyes.

“And what would I be if I pushed you in the lake right now?” James was grinning now, mischief bright in his eyes.

Regulus scowled, raising his hands defensively. “Dead. You’d be fucking dead Potter.”

James raised an eyebrow in challenge. “I think we need a good laugh.” But Regulus was already on his feet. James scrambled up but it was too late, Regulus threw himself at James’ middle and shoved him, but not before James wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him backwards with him, sending them both plummeting into the water. Regulus squawked in poorly masked glee, painting anger across his face. They surfaced, spluttering, James was laughing. Regulus was scowling fiercely back at him, coughing up lake water. James’ hands found the other man’ waist and steadied him, so that he could catch his breath.

“You complete prick!” Regulus laughed, splashing him, but not pulling away.

James’ hands were still on Regulus’ middle, and their eyes locked. “Hey, you pushed me, love.” His glasses were blurred with water droplets, but he could still see the way Regulus watched him, the way his chest rose and fell, the way he licked his lips.

“I should find Sirius.” Regulus whispered, pushing himself back, reaching for the ladder at the end of the jetty.

“Okay.” James whispered back, watching him still.

“Thank you.” Regulus said in a small voice.

“Remember.” James called, pointing at him. “No one is allowed power over your body or your mind. Got it?”

“Shut up James,” Regulus said softly, pausing at the top of the ladder, then climbing out and shaking the water from his hair.

James watched him go before following, pulling his shirt off and wringing it out on the jetty. Then it all hit him.

Fucking hell. Where had his self-control gone? Where was the whole, Sirius’ little brother therefore he’s off limits, why didn’t he care? Why did he just want to wrap his arms around Regulus and kiss him until they couldn’t breathe? This problem was doing everything but going away, like he’d planned. The plan was, to get over this ridiculous crush, and find someone else to warm his bed as soon as possible. But why did the thought of that repulse him? He growled in frustration as he walked slowly across the grass. Sure. Dating apps worked. Swiping through endless opportunities, engaging in some meaningless sexting, maybe a casual hookup. He could do that. Even here, he could sneak away for a few hours and do that. Because fuck. He had to get those grey eyes out of his head. Permanently.

*****

            He told Sirius he had to run an errand for his parents because they were still away. He said he’d be in town for a few hours. Sirius had offered to come, but James shook it off, playing it down. It’d be boring. Stay here and enjoy the evening, it was a warm one after all. He took the old truck, the blue one and pulled out of the drive like he’d stolen it. His heart was thundering. Why did he feel like he was doing something wrong? He was single, he was twenty one years old, this wasn’t an abnormal thing to be doing. Hooking up with some stranger wasn’t an abnormal thing to do. He drove the twenty minutes to town, his fingers anxiously drumming on the steering wheel. He passed through Muskoka and out towards Milford Bay. The house wasn’t a private residence, it was a rental and this guy said he was a writer, out on a retreat. Apparently, the inspiration wasn’t coming, he needed a distraction. James slowed as the driveway came into sight. He pulled in and cut the engine. What the fuck was he doing? But that didn’t stop him from getting out of the truck and crunching across the gravel to the front door. He looked around. Rang the doorbell. Stepped back. A short, slight man opened the door and smiled coyly, welcomed him inside. James followed him willingly.

Chapter Text

Chapter Thirteen

Sirius was on his feet as soon as he heard the front door open. He rounded the sofas and bounded towards his best friend.

“Running an errand my fucking ass.” He hissed, unable to contain the shit-eating grin spreading across his face. “Did you just leave us for a fucking hook up, Prongs?”

“Shhh.” James said, he looked wrecked. “Don’t fucking shout about it.”

Sirius chuckled. “Why? You’re usually the first one to brag about your conquests.” His smile faltered. “Was it shit?”

“It was, below average.” James admitted. “Should have left before I did, but didn’t want him to think it was him, but I also didn’t feel like explaining that it was a me issue. So being a dutiful soldier, I finished the damn job.”

“Of course you did you dirty dog.” Sirius laughed, wiggling his eyebrows with glee.

“Don’t, tell anyone though. It’s pretty fucking shitty to sneak off to get laid when your guests are at your house.”

“Not a word, Prongs.” Sirius tapped his nose. James left without another word. Sauntered upstairs, the guy was distracted, that much was obvious. But Sirius could tell he didn’t want to talk about it, and he wasn’t going to push it. Instead, he went back to the kitchen, on the hunt for snacks. As he was hunting through the cupboards, his phone rang. Sirius frowned, it was nearly eleven pm, what business did anyone have calling him this late?

Oh. All of a sudden, he wasn’t so surprised. Mother.

“What?” He said, in English because he knew it would piss her off.

There was a sharp inhale on the other end of the line, controlled, precise. “Tu te permets de parler à ton père comme ça, Sirius. C’est inacceptable. Tu lui dois du respect.” You think you can speak to your father like that, Sirius? It’s unacceptable. You owe him your respect.

Sirius leaned back against the counter, dragging a hand through his hair. His jaw tightened and he felt a soft mist of rage settle over him. “Father lost my respect the day he threw me down the stairs,” he said flatly. “And you lost it when you took his side.”

Silence. Then, Walburga’s voice came through the phone again, this time even colder. “C’était il y a des années. Il est temps de passer à autre chose. Parle français.” That was years ago. It’s time to move on. Speak French.

“No.”

Another inhale. “Tu fais exprès d’être provocateur. Regulus, au moins, sait se tenir.” You’re being deliberately provocative. Regulus at least, knows how to behave.

Sirius scoffed, a harsh, humourless sound. “That’s not obedience,” he said. “That’s fear.”

A pause. Then, calmly, cruelly she retorted. “C’est la même chose.” It’s the same thing.

“You don’t scare me,” he said. “Neither of you do.”

Walburga laughed softly, a sound like cut glass. “Tu dis ça parce que tu crois être libre. Tu ne l’es pas autant que tu le penses, Sirius. Tu n’es pas intouchable.” You say that because you think you’re free. You aren’t as free as you believe, Sirius. You are not untouchable.

Sirius’ fingers curled around the edge of the counter. “I can walk away from this family whenever I please. I stay for Regulus. That is all. If he were safely away from the poison in that house, you’d both be dead to me.”

“Regulus connaît son devoir.” Regulus knows his duty.

“Regulus will not be marrying some French aristocratic girl just because you and Father decide it looks good on paper,” he said. Each word was deliberate. Firm. “It’s not happening.”

Her voice hardened. “Ce n’est pas ta décision. Tu devrais te rappeler d’où vient ton argent.” That isn’t your decision to make. You would do well to remember where your money comes from.

A slow, dangerous smile pulled at Sirius’ mouth and he folded his arms. “Oh, I suffer no issue with my memory, mother,” he said. “You would do well to remember that my trust fund was transferred into my name the second I turned eighteen. You don’t have access to it. Neither of you do. I have all the money I need.”

The silence this time was longer. Taut. “Tu te crois très intelligent.” You think you’re very clever. She hummed a disinterested, whimsical sigh. “Je suppose que tes frais de scolarité ne te seront plus nécessaires.” I suppose your tuition fees will no longer be necessary.

“I am exceptionally clever, and no, I do not want your tainted fortune.” Sirius replied lightly. “I’m not the one trying to sell my son for a business deal.”

She lost her tranquillity then, tongue venomous. “Fais attention à la façon dont tu parles. Tu oublies ta place.” Be careful how you address me, boy. You’re forgetting your place.

“No,” Sirius said, voice low, unyielding. “I know exactly where my place is. And it’s between you and Regulus.”

Another brittle laugh. “Tu ne pourras pas le protéger éternellement.” You won’t be able to protect him forever.

Sirius swallowed, his grip tightening, knuckles whitening. “Watch me.” He ended the call before she could reply, the screen going dark in his hand. For a moment, he stood there in the quiet kitchen, heart hammering, breath uneven. Then he shoved the phone into his pocket, grabbed a packet of crackers from the cupboard, and muttered to himself, “Fucking vultures.”

            Remus was half asleep when he got upstairs. He’d taken half an hour to calm down following his conversation with his mother. He wanted to wring her neck. Psychotic, her and his father. Sirius just wished Regulus would have the balls to move out. he was eighteen after all. He had his trust fund. He could leave. There was nothing but misplaced loyalty and a warped sense of duty holding him there. No love. their family didn’t do love. Sirius wasn’t sure Regulus had ever even been hugged by anyone other than himself. Sirius hadn’t hugged anyone but Regulus until he went to high school. Football had been his release, his safe space. He felt like he could breathe on the field, when all that mattered was winning, and all of the shit, all of the drama could be left in the locker room bundled up in his leather jacket which he had bought specifically to anger his parents. Football was his. They couldn’t touch it. He refused to let them take it from him.

            Stripping off, he crawled into bed beside Remus, sliding an arm over his middle and tucking his face into Remus’ neck, breathing him in. Nowadays, yes, his safe space was sometimes still football, but more often, it was a tall, terribly sour-tempered brunette with a limp and an addiction to chocolate and very old books.

“Pads.” Remus whispered, threading their fingers together. “You’re up late.”

“The Dragon phoned me.” Sirius whispered back, placing kisses on the back of his boyfriend’s neck.

“Oh dear lord.” Remus said, suddenly much more awake and rolling over to face him. “What did she want?”

“To scorn me mostly.” Sirius sighed, lying on his back, head turned to meet Remus’ eyes.

Remus grimaced, afraid of the answer to his next question. “What did you say?”

Sirius exhaled lightly. “Well. I told her she was poisonous. I told her that if Regulus moved out, her and father would be dead to me.” He thought. “What else did I say?” he squashed his lips together. “Oh yeah, and I told her I didn’t need their money for school and to basically fuck off. Then I hung up.”

“So it went really well.” Remus summarised dryly.

Sirius kissed him. “I’ll just phone my Uncle Alphard, he’s already said he’ll pay for my schooling if I ever need it.”

“And you’re okay with never speaking to your parents again?” Remus asked cautiously.

He raised an eyebrow questioningly. “Definitely.”

“Sirius.” Remus sighed. “So, is that it then, you’re never going back?”

Sirius shrugged. “It’s not set in stone. I’ll go back with Reggie at the end of the summer to pack for college, take him to McGill. Then I don’t know. See what the year brings. See if they pull my tuition.”

“If they don’t?”

“I’ll use them as long as they’ll let me. No need to take Uncle Alphard’s money for no reason when I can take theirs.” He glanced across the room, at the closed blinds, the chair covered in his clothes.

“You need to be careful.” Remus said solemnly, fingers under Sirius’ chin, turning his head and kissing him gently.

“They don’t scare me.” Sirius whispered defiantly. “Don’t worry about me Moons. I’ve got it all under control.”

“That’s precisely what I’m worried about.”

*******

Morning burned. The lake all glass and pale sunlight, as if it hadn’t noticed the small grief of people leaving. The mist barely lingered today, it would be warm. That much was obvious. Sirius sat at the long kitchen table with a mug of coffee warming his hands, Remus’ thigh warming his. The Toronto crowd were heading out in a couple of hours. Bags already lined the wall by the door. Shoes paired up neatly. Temporary things, already dissipating. James had outdone himself. A stack of thick, golden pancakes sat in the centre of the table, steam still rising, a platter of bacon beside it and a jug of maple syrup that looked like liquid amber. Sirius eyed it appreciatively.

“God, I love this country,” he muttered.

Conversation overlapped easily. Lily and Mary were tucked together on one side of the table, shoulders brushing, heads bent toward one another, giggling. Remus leant over and nudged him, nodding in their direction. Sirius smirked knowingly. Marlene had claimed the seat to Sirius’ left, Remus settled quietly on his right, already halfway through his pancakes. Regulus was nowhere to be seen. Sirius had considered going to look for him, but he thought better of it. Maybe he just needed some time to himself.

“Alright,” Sirius said suddenly, pointing his fork like a weapon. “Let’s get one thing straight before you all leave.”

James looked up warily. “Oh no.”

“The Montreal Canadiens,” Sirius continued, with absolute conviction, “are the best NHL team. Objectively. Historically. Spiritually.”

James scoffed and nearly choked on his bacon. “You’re delusional. The Leafs are better, Padfoot, and you know it.”

“Better at what?” Sirius shot back. “Disappointing their fans every single season?”

Marlene laughed, leaning across James. “He’s got a point, Prongs. As much as I hate to admit it.”

James turned on her. “The utter betrayal! Mckinnon I am deeply offended. You stay out of this.”

“I will not,” she said cheerfully. “As much as it pains me to say, and yes I will always be a Leafs fan, but the Canadiens have legacy. You can’t argue with that.”

“You absolutely can,” James said. “Legacy doesn’t win games. Legacy means shit!”

Lily finally looked up from Mary, syrup on her fork. “You’re all wrong,” she said calmly.

Sirius blinked. “Excuse you?”

She smiled sweetly. “Canucks. Obviously.”

James groaned. “Oh, come on.”

“What?” Lily said. “I’m from Vancouver. It’s a legal requirement to remain a resident.”

“They haven’t won a Stanley Cup,” Sirius pointed out. “They’re not even remotely close to the best.”

“And yet,” Lily replied, unbothered, “still superior.”

Remus cleared his throat mildly. “I don’t care who’s best as long as everyone agrees it’s not Toronto.”

James clutched his chest. “Betrayal. Absolute betrayal Moony!”

“Hey, what can I say. We’ve got no team back home. I grew up watching the Canadiens.” Remus said defensively.

“You’ve got nothing in Nova Scotia, so that’s fair.” Marlene teased.

James glanced around the table. “Okay, fine. Vote, then. Canadiens, Leafs, Canucks. Majority wins.”

“Canadiens,” Sirius and Marlene said in unison.

“Leafs,” James declared, pointing his fork at Pete.

Pete shrugged. “Leafs. Sorry.”

“Canucks,” Lily said.

“Leafs.” Mary said and James grinned triumphantly.

All eyes turned to Remus.

He swallowed thoughtfully. “Canadiens, obviously.”

“Regulus would vote Canadiens too, if he were awake.” Sirius scoffed.

James groaned, dropping his head to the table. “This is a hostile environment.”

Sirius grinned, victorious, clinking his mug lightly against Marlene’s glass. “As it should be.”

            Not two hours later, were they all gathered around the front door hugging and making promises to meet up when they were all back at college in Toronto. Marlene and Mary promised to come to one of James and Sirius’ games and they’d all go out for food afterwards. They were spilling out into the driveway in a tangle of backpacks and poorly zipped duffels. Sirius lingered by the porch rail, hands in his pockets, watching the scene with a satisfied smile. The Toronto lot were halfway into the car already, Pete wrestling with the boot, Marlene leaning against the door and laughing about something Mary had just said.

“Alright, alright,” Marlene called, clapping her hands together. “Let’s fucking go, before I have an aneurysm!”

Mary climbed into the passenger seat, still smiling, still looking back at Lily. The engine started.

Then Lily’s voice cut across the driveway, wobbly. “Mary, wait!” Sirius turned just in time to see Lily bolt down the steps, trainers slapping against the gravel, hair flying loose behind her. Mary twisted around in her seat, startled, door creaking open again. Lily didn’t slow. She crossed the space between them in a heartbeat, grabbed the front of Mary’s jacket, and kissed her. It wasn’t careful. It wasn’t rehearsed. It was bright and a little clumsy and absolutely fearless. For half a second, the world seemed to hold its breath.

Then all hell broke loose.

“Oh my god!” Marlene whooped, hands flying up in the air. Pete let out a yell that was mostly static and excitement. Remus laughed, warm and delighted, his hand coming up to cover his mouth. Sirius found himself grinning so hard his cheeks hurt, pride blooming in his chest like a flare.

James, of course, made it louder. “GET IN THERE, EVANS!!” he hollered, followed immediately by a sharp wolf whistle that echoed off the front of the house.

Lily pulled back first, face flaming, one hand clapped over her mouth like she couldn’t quite believe what she’d just done. Mary looked stunned for exactly half a second before she broke into a smile. The whole thing was brilliant, and made Sirius think, yeah. That’s it. He hollered encouragingly, pulling Remus into him, resting his head on the other man’s shoulder.

They both started laughing at the same time, giddy and breathless, Lily ducking her head as she stepped back.

“Text me,” Mary said, voice a little wrecked.

“I will,” Lily said immediately. “I promise.”

Mary climbed back into the car, still glowing. Marlene leaned across the centre console to waggle her eyebrows at Lily through the open window.

“About time,” she said.

The car pulled away in a spray of gravel and waving hands, cheers trailing after it like streamers. Sirius watched until it disappeared down the road, the sound of laughter and shouted goodbyes fading into the trees. He exhaled, slow and deep, feeling something light settle. “Alright,” he said, turning back toward the house, clapping his hands once. “If that’s not the gayest thing I’ve seen all week, I don’t know what is.”

James snorted. Lily flipped him off, still smiling. “Fuck off Padfoot.”

“Glorious it was!” Sirius continued to tease. “I feel three rainbows gayer.”

“Oh shut up!” Remus laughed, shoving Sirius playfully.

“Its fucking roasting Prongs, let’s go swimming!” he yelled ahead, holding the door for Remus.

*******

            Sirius had managed to persuade Regulus out of his bedroom to join them on a short hike to one of the coves. They’d packed lunch and planned to spend the afternoon swimming and sunbathing beside the lake. Even Remus had felt up to the walk, which Sirius was delighted about. He trailed after his boyfriend happily as they wound their way along the wiggly path to what had quickly become their favourite beach. Ahead of them James and Lily stomped on, engrossed in conversation, laughing light-heartedly. Sirius looked over his shoulder. Regulus followed quietly.

Sirius hung back, telling Remus to go on ahead. “Hey.” He said.

“What do you want Siri?” his little brother sighed, pulling his bag up onto his shoulder.

“Nothing, just wanted to say hi.”

“Well. Now you’ve said it.”

He smiled. He loved Regulus’ hostility. It was just a shame he never bared his teeth to their parents. One look from their father and he became this meek obedient perfect child. If only they saw this side of him. “Are you enjoying yourself Reggie? I can’t bloody tell, you look so bloody pissed all the time.”

“Well it’s better than sitting at home. Or suffering the company of our parents.” Regulus grumbled, eyes fixed stubbornly on the path. The trees began to thin, sunlight flashing between trunks, the lake glinting through in shards of silver. Sirius slowed to match his pace.

“I’d do anything to protect you,” he said quietly. “You know that, right?”

Regulus huffed, a familiar sound, armoured. “Yes. Not that I need your protection,” he added quickly, already bracing. “But I’m not having this same fight with you.”

“I’m not trying to fight, Reggie.” Sirius stopped walking altogether.

Regulus took two more steps before realising and turning back. Clearly, he was irritated. “Then what are you doing?”

“Trying not to lose you,” Sirius said sadly. The words landed heavier than he’d intended. He scrubbed a hand through his hair. “I know you hate it when I go full big brother mode. I know you think I’m loud and reckless. Always sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong.”

“That’s because you are,” Regulus said automatically, but there was no bite in it.

Sirius smiled faintly. “Yeah. Guilty as fucking charged. But it’s because I spent our entire childhood watching you diminish yourself to appease them. And I can’t unsee that. I can’t stop wanting to drag you out of the hell they put us in.”

“I’ve not diminished myself,” Regulus snapped, then faltered. His voice dropped. “I’m just… careful.”

“That’s what I mean.” lowering his voice even further. “You don’t have to be careful here. You don’t have to act the way you feel you need to in that house.”

Regulus looked away toward the water. The others were out of sight now. For a moment Sirius thought he’d pushed too far. Again.

Then Regulus sighed. He sounded exhausted.

“I know you think you’re saving me,” his little brother admitted. “But sometimes it feels like you’re just panicking. Like you don’t trust me to survive without you.”

Sirius swallowed, absorbing a truth he possibly wasn’t ready to hear. “I trust you,” he replied cautiously. “I just don’t trust them.”

Quiet, filled with birdsong and the distant splash of James throwing himself into the lake with a cheer. Regulus’ shoulders softened fractionally.

“You don’t have to burn your life down for me,” Regulus said at last. “I don’t want to be the reason you give things up. Things you’ve worked so hard to get. Things you love, Siri. Football. School. I won’t do that.”

Sirius shook his head. “You’re not something I’d be giving things up for. You’re something I’d be choosing.” Regulus glanced at him. Sirius held the gaze, heart thudding, desperate for him to understand the difference.

After a moment, Regulus exhaled through his nose. “You’re impossible.”

“Runs in the family,” Sirius said lightly, relieved when the corner of Regulus’ mouth twitched.

They stood there a moment longer, brothers in the quiet space between their childhood, and the paths now ahead of them. Then Regulus adjusted his bag again, squaring his shoulders. “You think papa will pull your tuition?”

Sirius barked a laugh. “Who knows.”

“I don’t want you to drop out.” Regulus confessed, childlike.

“Alright.” Sirius folded. “But I need you to talk to me. I’m also sorry, for what I said the other night. That was low.”

“It was.”

“I worry about you.”

“I’m fine Sirius.” Regulus started walking again. Sirius followed. “I’m having a good time. I am. Your friends are alright.”

Sirius grinned, laughing obtusely. “Is that you admitting that you like them?”

“Don’t get fucking carried away.” Regulus said, holding a middle finger over his shoulder. Sirius just laughed harder, following him out onto the beach.

            Regulus threw himself down on a boulder, drawing his knees up, looking out at the lake where Lily and James were racing from the shore to an outcrop of granite. Sirius settled beside Remus who smiled sleepily at him, the sun bouncing off his freckles, darkening his eyes. He leant down and kissed him hard.

“Love you.”

“Love you, nutter.” Remus chuckled.

Chapter Text

Chapter Fourteen

Regulus was thankful that the house was quieter once again. Marlene and her loudness was gone. The other two weren’t so bad, but they still added to the crowding. The general noise levels. He preferred it with just the five of them. The chances of him finding somewhere to himself were much higher. Dinner was less intense. He could talk to Lily without feeling like he was intruding on something. Sirius wasn’t as lazy because he had fewer people to show off to, and Remus didn’t stand for his shit. It had been interesting to witness this summer, the way Remus curbed Sirius’ edges, checked him, watched him with unwavering adoration. He was happy for them, they seemed to fit, like jigsaw pieces.

But Regulus had also noticed the way that James had withdrawn from him. Ever since the day Regulus had pushed him in the lake and they’d almost… Almost what? Because that was it wasn’t it? They hadn’t almost anything. Eye contact. That was it. Nothing. Regulus had just assumed that they had almost kissed, but he didn’t know that for sure. He didn’t know that James wanted to kiss him. And how assuming was that to think anyway? Why on earth would James even want to kiss him? The guy was just nice, and Regulus wasn’t very good at distinguishing nice from interested. He didn’t care to delve into the reasons behind that. He just knew that James couldn’t possibly like him the way Regulus liked him. But the almost something had been almost something three times now. Three times couldn’t be coincidence, could it? The first time, was when they were in the cave and Regulus had freaked out when those fucking eyes almost melted him on the spot. The second, during the black out, but that one could be entirely attributed to alcohol, and the third. In the lake. James’ hands on his middle, their breath mingling, their noses barely centimetres apart. Fuck, he was fucked. Regulus rolled over in bed with a groan, pressing the heel of his hand to his crotch in embarrassment. Why did his body react like this to any thought, any semblance of James fucking Potter. What was it about him that made Regulus want to get on his knees and offer himself up like a satanic sacrifice? God, was he really this touch starved? Was he really this gone on him?

            In his regretful haze, he got out of bed and went to shower. The bathroom filled with steam as he stripped off and stepped under the stream of too hot water. The almost burn was grounding. Regulus washed, keeping his eyes closed, trying to push away thoughts of tanned skin and back dimples. Muscles moving under a wet t-shirt, tracked by honey hazel eyes and a charming smile. Fuck sake. He cursed as his dick perked up, thoughts of James plaguing him. Regulus’ fingers wrapped around himself, and he began to stroke in long steady movements, bracing himself on the cold tiles, biting down hard on his lip as he imagined James’ hands on him, in him, holding him. Fuck.  There were only two weeks left. Two weeks until he could go home, back to college, and forget this entire infatuation. Two weeks and he’d never have to see him again. He swore as he came hard, all over the tiles, panting as he promised himself that in two weeks time, he’d never think about James Potter again.

*****

Two weeks was a way away though. Right? He tried to convince himself. So, in the meantime, Regulus could allow himself to gawp at James in a Toronto Maple Leafs hoodie and boxer shorts as he made omelettes, humming to himself. Curls askew, glasses lopsided on his face. Regulus curled against the arm of one of the sofas and stared. Two weeks to commit him to memory. No. he corrected. Two weeks to forget him.

“Omelette, love?” James asked without turning around.

Instantly, he felt himself going red. “No, I’m okay.” He muttered and looked down at his book.

James leant on the kitchen island and stared at him, raising an eyebrow. “Okay, let me re-phrase that. I’m going to make omelettes. Then I’m going to put two on the table. What you choose to do with that information is none of my business.” Then he turned back to the pan.

Regulus pressed his lips together in a poorly veiled attempt to contain his smile. No one had ever found a way to offer him food without his mind viscerally rejecting it without his consent. No one. Until this man. Because why the hell did he now want an omelette? The thought of it wasn’t repulsing him, and that was fucking unheard of. Minutes later, as promised, James put two plates on the table and sat down without a word, adding salt and pepper to his own. Cautiously, Regulus stood, padded over to the table and sat down. He tried desperately not to blush when James smiled into his plate, victoriously. He cut the omelette off in small pieces and ate. They didn’t speak, but James’ foot tapped against Regulus’ steadily. It was enough. Enough to ground him. Enough to allow him to eat. Regulus placed his cutlery on the empty plate with a soft clink. James had finished already, but he’d stayed, looking out through the bifold doors, silently.

“Thank you.” Regulus said softly.

“Anytime.” James answered, offering him a kind smile. “Boat day?” he asked hopefully.

Butterflies coursed through Regulus’ body. The man he’d been wanking over barely a half hour ago was smiling at him from across the table completely oblivious to the fact that he had been the subject of such activities. “Is everyone going?” Regulus choked out.

“Remus is staying.” James said, holding the eye contact, feet still touching.

“I’m not jumping off a cliff again.” Regulus grumbled.

“Noted.” James’ eyes never left him.

“and I don’t want to go to that stupid cave.” He added viciously.

“Sure thing, sweetheart.”  

Regulus clenched his jaw. The pet names weren’t doing anything for his infatuation. James’ eyes were still staring into his own. The thoughts of the shower, of the way he’d imagined James touching him were overwhelming.

“Forgotten how to blink, Potter?” he quipped, suddenly annoyed. Instead of being watched a moment longer, he stood and carried his plate back to the kitchen, snatching James’ from him too. James didn’t respond. Regulus didn’t dare look him in the eye. He loaded the plates into the dishwasher, and began washing up the pan.

“Dock in an hour, Reggie.” James said, halfway across the room already.

******

That night he couldn’t sleep. He was curled on his side, tossing and turning, pulling the covers up to his neck, James’ too big t-shirt swamping him, grounding him, still smelling vaguely like him. He hadn’t asked for it back, so Regulus hadn’t offered it up either, not when he slept in it every night. He had done for weeks now. Shuffling in the corridor told him that everyone else had finally come up to bed. The he heard someone nearing this end of the house. James. It was only his and James’ bedroom down this corridor, so it had to be him. Coming up to bed. The person paused outside his door momentarily, then retreated across the hall into his own room. Definitely James. The house fell silent. How easy it would be to cross the space, to knock on his door, to throw himself at the six foot something football player. What was there to lose? Sirius said the guy loved getting people into his bed, maybe he wouldn’t refuse? Maybe he’d even welcome him. But Regulus couldn’t fathom why someone would be even remotely interested in him, why anyone would want him, and that thought alone kept him in bed.

Then came a knock at his door.

He considered ignoring it, pretending he was asleep. But he couldn’t stay his feet from swinging over the side of the bed and pressing into the plush carpet, hurrying across the room and opening the door, just a crack at first, then inch by inch, until he stood face to face with James holding a plate of sugar cookies. Regulus looked down when he noticed James clock the shirt. James’ shirt. Fuck. He’d forgotten about the fucking shirt.

“What, Potter?” he said defensively.

James’ mouth formed a cocky lopsided grin. “I was going to leave these on the floor, but… I don’t know why I didn’t just do that actually… I wanted to check that you were alright, I guess. You disappeared after dinner pretty quick.”

Regulus didn’t know what to say. That was clearly code for, I noticed you didn’t eat a single thing. He gripped the door tightly, still hiding behind it. James stared at him. Regulus stared back. Then cautiously, he reached out and took the plate. “Thanks.” He whispered.

“Are you? Alright?” James pushed, face earnest.

“I’m fine.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“That’s not my problem.” Regulus snarked. He looked down at the plate and took a step back. “Goodnight.” Then, before James had a chance to respond, he shut the door.

It was hours before he finally succumbed to sleep.

*******

The coffee shop was too warm. Regulus thought, the moment they stepped inside, the air thick with steam and roasted beans, the low hum of conversation on all sides. The windows were fogged from the contrast between the cool morning outside and the bustle within, and the place smelled aggressively comforting. Sugar. Milk. Too many bodies. He regretted coming immediately. They had gone into town on a whim. It wasn’t even eight in the morning. Sirius had wanted pastries, Remus had wanted somewhere to sit that didn’t involve walking, Lily had wanted decent coffee, and James had just wanted to come along. Also, as the driver, he was also the only way any of them were getting to town in the first place. Regulus had told himself it would be fine and unenthusiastically agreed to tag along, after Sirius had accosted him of course. Now he stood a little apart from the others near the counter, hands tucked into the sleeves of his hoodie, watching James order with that same easy fucking grin. That sunshine demeanour. Regulus wanted to hate him. He couldn’t seem to find the emotion.

James leaned forward onto the counter. Elbows braced. Shoulders loose. Smiling. He was wearing one of his stupid old varsity hoodies, sleeves pushed up, hair in perfect curls. The barista did a double take when he looked up. Regulus saw it. The flicker of interest. The slow smile. The way the barista’s posture changed instantly, attention sharpening. Back the fuck off. Regulus thought murderously.

“Hey,” the guy said, voice pitched low and overly friendly. “What can I get you?”

James grinned back. “I’d love a latte with an extra shot please. Then can we get an americano, an iced latte, an oat milk latte and then a black coffee without any trimmings.”

The barista nodded, still smiling. “I’ve never seen you in here. Which means… you’re not from around here.”

James laughed. “I come and go. My friends definitely not. I’m afraid I only show my face in the holidays. Is it that obvious?”

“Little bit,” the guy said, leaning closer over the counter. “You here for the summer?”

Regulus’ jaw tightened as he watched them. He resisted the urge the slam the barista’s face into the counter.

Sirius evidently enjoying himself, nudged Remus with his elbow. “Told you,” he murmured, looking at James. “Doesn’t even have to try.”

Regulus watched James chuckle again. “Yeah. My parents own a lake house. I’m out there with friends.”

“With friends,” the barista repeated, like he was testing the phrase for cracks. His eyes flicked briefly to the rest of them. Lingered. Returned to James. “Lucky you.”

James leaned further in, resting his forearms on the counter now. “I know, right?”

Regulus looked away, heat crawling up his neck. He focused on the chalkboard menu behind the barista, the looping handwriting listing syrups and seasonal specials. Maple latte. Honey vanilla. Something with lavender. His brow furrowed unreasonably. This was nothing, he told himself. This was what James did. He was friendly. He was charming. He laughed. People responded. Regulus had no claim on him anyway. No right to feel like this acidic twist in his stomach was anything but his pathetic fucking crush. He snuck another glance. The barista was writing on the cup now, but not the order. He paused, glanced up through his lashes, then scribbled something else near the rim. He slid the cup across the counter, fingers brushing James’ deliberately.

“Call me,” the guy said, casual as anything. “If you’re bored.”

James nodded. “Bold,” he said, clearly amused.

The barista shrugged. “Life’s short.”

James picked up the cup, finally noticing the number. He tilted it, reading it, then looked back up. “I’ll keep that in mind.” Regulus felt like he’d been punched. It was stupid. It was nothing, he told himself again. It was a stranger in a coffee shop. James hadn’t done anything wrong. They weren’t anything. Which, Regulus realised dimly, might have been the worst part. By the time James rejoined them at the table, Sirius was vibrating with glee.

“Oh my god,” Sirius crowed, leaning back in his chair. “You absolute menace!”

James groaned, dropping into the seat opposite Regulus. “Don’t start.”

“His phone number is written on your cup!” Sirius laughed. “In broad daylight! Reggie, did you see that?”

Regulus kept his eyes on the tabletop. The grain of the wood. The small chip near the edge. “Obviously. I’m not blind.” Regulus could feel Lily’s eyes on him. He didn’t need her sympathy.

Remus smiled faintly, sipping his coffee. “You do inspire confidence, James.”

James scratched the back of his neck, still smiling. “I didn’t ask for it. The guy just started writing his number.”

“But you enjoyed it,” Sirius insisted.

James shrugged, lifting his cup. “I mean. It’s flattering.”

There it was. Flattering. Of course it was. Why wouldn’t it be? Lily was watching him now. Regulus felt it like a weight. He kept his head down, stirred sugar into coffee he hadn’t tasted yet, the spoon clinking.

“You okay?” she asked softly.

He didn’t look up. “Fine.”

James launched into a story about a disastrous date from first year, Sirius adding commentary, Remus dryly correcting details. Laughter bubbled up around the table, easy and familiar. Regulus sat among it in silence. Why had he come along? This is precisely why he had learned to keep to himself and protect his own peace. He told himself, again and again, that this was none of his business. James was not his. James did not owe him anything. Wanting something did not make it yours. Still, his fingers curled into the sleeve of his hoodie. He risked one more glance at James. He was laughing, eyes bright. The coffee cup sat on the table in front of him, the number still visible near the rim. Goading him. Regulus looked away before anyone could catch him staring and the warmth of the coffee shop suddenly felt unbearable

******

Dinner was tense. Not so much as anyone else would notice. But Regulus had firmly avoided meeting James’ eye since the coffee shop that morning. To make it worse, storm clouds had been gathering all day and the temperature had steadily declined as the afternoon aged. Regulus avoided everyone. James made him lunch, which he ignored, refusing to look at him because he knew that if he saw the confusion in those fucking honey coloured eyes, he’d cave and he wasn’t done been mad yet. So, he’d forced his eyes to the floor and left the room. Thus, brought them round to dinner. Which was, tense. Yet the tension resided solely between Regulus and James. James continued to try to get Regulus to acknowledge him, to speak to him, God to even look at him and Regulus wouldn’t. No, he couldn’t. Watching someone throw themselves at James that morning had been the final nail in the coffin of his infatuation. He was doomed to suffer witnessing this man, and never to have him. Regulus pushed food around his plate but barely put three forkfuls in his mouth. He knew James noticed. He tried not to care. He knew Sirius also noticed the way he hadn’t eaten and at his brother’s annoying questions, Regulus only offered him a middle finger. Everyone was pissing him off now, he didn’t care who he offended anymore. They could all fuck off.

            Plates were cleared collectively, thank yous were enthusiastically shouted at James who declared he was grateful his parents were coming home the following day, and that he was craving one of his dad’s barbecues. The sound of dishes clacking together and running water filling up the sink echoed around the large open living space. Regulus helped. He took the pans from Lily and dried them, then handed them to Sirius to put away. He didn’t dare look at James.

            Then a crack of thunder rumbled ferociously in the distance.

“Here she comes.” Sirius laughed, walking to the windows and peering out, counting the seconds between the claps. The others followed his brother to ogle at the lightening. Regulus took that as his sign to slip away, sneaking upstairs to hide.

            The storm charged the air, the clouds turned nasty. Regulus noticed it from his bedroom window long before the rain started, the trees going dark and restless beneath a sky the colour of bruises. He watched, propped up against the stupid number of pillows, a copy of Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier in his lap open at chapter six. He’d tried to read the first sentence about a hundred times, but he couldn’t take it in. His mind was reeling. All he could think about was that stupid barista and James’ arrogant charming, idiotic face as he lapped up every compliment. He sat for longer, outside it got dark, the sun set unseen behind the clouds. His book remained open in his lap. He’d nibbled on a sugar cookie from the night before. But after a while, he’d had enough. He just couldn’t sit still a moment longer. He’d been up here hours. Grabbing his phone from his bedside table he looked at the time. It was after midnight now. The rain was pattering steadily against the windows.

Unfortunately, he knew this feeling. The familiar hum of the static before a panic attack. Of thoughts stacking on top of one another until they became too heavy to bear. If he stayed here, he would either scream or shatter. So, he pulled on the first thing he could find. A hoodie. A pair of track shoes. He didn’t bother with a jacket. He didn’t care that the rain had started now, tapping at the glass. Regulus thought it would ground him, push the monster back down. He slipped from his room, easing the door shut with careful fingers. The house was asleep. The corridor dark. He passed James’ door. He couldn’t hear anything from inside. He tracked down the stairs, footfalls light and quiet and slunk across the open plan room to the bifold doors. Turning the key, he slid them open just wide enough for him to slip out and pulled it to, but not shut all the way.

Outside, the rain greeted him like absolution. It soaked him immediately, the fabric of his hoodie darkening, clinging. The grass was slick under his feet as he crossed the lawn, the lake a wide, black mouth ahead of him. His hair stuck to his forehead, but he kept walking. The jetty stretched out into the water. The wooden planks were slick underfoot, Regulus tried not to slip as he hurried along it, to where, he wasn’t sure. He just needed to get away, he needed to breathe, needed to get out of that house. A bolt of lightening lit up the sky, flashing against the freckled surface of the lake. Regulus flinched, his arms gripping his stomach tightly. He couldn’t breathe.

By the time he reached the end of the jetty, he was completely drenched. Hair plastered to his forehead. Sleeves heavy with water. He stepped to the edge and stared out at the lake, rain hammering the surface until it blurred, until it looked like it was boiling. The sound was deafening. Good, he thought distantly. Let it all be loud. And hoped it would calm the chaos inside his head. He didn’t know how long he stood there. Long enough for his fingers to go numb. Long enough for his thoughts to spiral and then burn out, leaving only a dull, aching want in their wake. James’ face kept intruding, uninvited. His stupid, earnest eyes. The way he looked at Regulus. The restraint of his hands. The cookies. The shirt he never asked for. The way he pretended not to see, not to care, while doing everything short of reaching out. It was unbearable.

Regulus scrubbed a hand through his wet hair and let out a shaky breath.

“Idiot,” he muttered.

Behind him, somewhere up at the house, a door opened. He heard it. The faint thud. The rush of footsteps. Someone running. He closed his eyes.

“Regulus!” The shout cut through the rain.

He didn’t turn around.

Footfalls skidded on wet boards as someone reached the jetty, breath ragged. Regulus felt the presence of Him like heat at his back, like gravity.

“What the hell are you doing?” James demanded, loud enough to compete with the storm.

Regulus flinched and turned slowly. Rain streamed down his face like tears. James stood a few feet away, soaked through, hair plastered to his forehead, eyes wild. “God James just leave me the fuck alone!” Regulus shouted back over the sound of the rain.

“No!” James stared at him, chest heaving. “Are you trying to give me a heart attack? It’s the middle of the night, love. It’s storming. You can’t just-”

“I can do whatever I want!” Regulus snapped. “You don’t get to tell me what to do!”

James shook his head in protest. “I’m not telling you what to do! I’m asking you what the fuck is wrong? You’re stood on a jetty in the middle of a fucking thunderstorm!”

“I’M FINE!” Regulus shouted back. He hadn’t realised that he was shivering.

“Bullshit! That’s fucking bullshit and you know it!” James shouted, storming down the jetty then pausing abruptly, feet away. The rain pounded harder, drumming against the boards, the lake roaring angrily. James took a step closer. “You’re freezing,” he said.

“Good.” Regulus snapped back, hands pinned at his sides, fists balled.

“Regulus.”

“Why are you here?” Regulus demanded, voice rising. “Why do you care?”

James faltered.  “Because you’re endangering yourself! I can’t let you do that!” he yelled, voice raw.

Regulus let out a brittle laugh. “Don’t flatter yourself, Potter. Save your hero complex for someone else.”

“You’re not being fair.” James said, quieter now but still charged enough to cut through the rain.

“Ha!” Regulus stepped closer, the anger buoying him. “And you are?”

“What? What are you talking about? I’ve been trying not to push you!” James shouted. “Trying to give you space! Trying to do everything right! Hoping that you’ll just fucking talk to me!”

“And how’s that working out for you?” Regulus shot back.

James opened his mouth. Closed it.

“That’s what I thought,” Regulus snapped. The words spilled now. “If you’re so desperate to give me space then why do you look at me like that? Like you want me? Like you want something you can’t have?”

James’ chest rose and fell, rain slicked his curls to his forehead.

“Why do you pretend you don’t care?” Regulus continued, voice breaking through the rain. “You act disinterested, and then you leave cookies outside my door like, like…” He trailed off. “I don’t know why you fucking do that!”

“That’s not-” James tried but he was interrupted.

“Why haven’t you asked for your shirt back?” Regulus shouted.

“I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable!” James yelled back. He looked hurt. Regulus tried not to let himself break. “I didn’t want to ruin whatever this was becoming, between us.”

“Well congratulations,” Regulus spat. “You’ve failed spectacularly.”

They were close now. Too close. Rain streamed down both of their bodies, plastering their clothes to their skin, breath visible in the cold air. The lightening lit up the sky once again. Regulus watched it flash in James’ glasses.

James looked up at the sky briefly, then spoke slowly. “You’re all I think about. You consume my every waking thought, Regulus. Why the fuck would I pretend like I don’t care? What would that get me?”

“What?” Regulus stared at him. “How dare you!” Regulus yelled, voice cracking, “How dare you make me feel like this and then stand there like and say that shit. Like you’re not the reason I can’t sleep! Like you’re not the reason every atom of my being aches for any fucking crumb of attention you might give me! How dare you…” he trailed off, thinking about the cave, the blackout, the lake. He couldn’t say it. He wasn’t brave enough.

“Regulus…”

“And then you flirt with random fucking men in fucking coffee shops!” his voice cracked as he screamed. “Right in front of me!”

James shook his head. “That was nothing! I don’t even remember his name!”

“That’s not the point James! Its everything! It’s everything you do! Its, its… What right do you have to care for me like you do? Why are you kind to me? Why do you make my favourite food? How dare you when you then pretend like there’s nothing happening between us! I mean. Fuck! I thought I was going crazy!” he shouted. “Like that. You’re doing it right now! How dare you look at me like that!”

“Like what?” James pleaded, eyes soft, mouth open, rain streaming over him, shirt stuck to his abs.

Regulus was falling apart. “Like you need me! How dare you look at me like you want to kiss me. Do you want to kiss me? Is it all pretend? Is it a game to you?”

For a moment, all that could be heard was the rain. The wind. The thunder.

“I have never treated you like game,” James said hoarsely. “I have only ever tried to restrain myself.”

Regulus’ heart slammed against his ribs.

“Because I don’t get to want you,” James said, stepping closer. “Because you’re Sirius’ little brother. Because you’re fucking perfect. Because I’d rather tear myself apart than hurt you. But God Regulus, its taking everything in my soul to stay away from you.”

They stood inches away, rain cascading over them, as their breathing became increasingly uneven, staring at one another. Regulus could see it all now. The want. The fear. The need.

“Then walk away,” Regulus whispered, suddenly grateful for the rain, for the way it masked his tears. “Stop looking at me like that.”

James didn’t move.

“Stop caring,” Regulus said, voice shaking. “Stop making me feel like this.”

“I can’t,” James said, shaking his head, ducking it towards him.

They stared at one another, time stretching, the storm roaring around them.

“Then give in.” Regulus dared.

James shook his head. “If I do, I won’t be able to stop.”

“I never told you to stop.” Regulus breathed.

James closed the distance in one desperate movement. The kiss was hungry and desperate. Regulus gasped into it, fingers balled in James’ hoodie, the world collapsing around them. James’ hands cradled Regulus’ face, thumbs brushing away rain and tears. Regulus stood on his tiptoes, James’ hands moved to his back, pulling him in, kissing him and kissing him. It was six weeks of wanting. It was charged looks across a room. It was alcohol fuelled electricity in a black out. It was midnight swims in the lake. It was infatuation. Regulus’ arms looped around James’ neck, fingers threading through brown curls, opening his mouth as James kissed him deeper and more desperately. He couldn’t help it, this was everything he had wanted.

That kiss was everything.

It felt like it couldn’t ever end.

Then with great effort, Regulus tore himself free.

“No,” he gasped, panic crashing in again. “No. James. Fuck. Fuck. This is a mistake.”

“Reggie.” He pleaded, pulling at his hands.

“I can’t,” he said, already stepping back. “I shouldn’t.” He turned, pulling his hands back and ran. Down the jetty. Across the lawn. Back into the house.

He didn’t look back.

Behind him, James stood alone.

Everything was worse.

******

            He ran to his room, slamming the door closed. He didn’t care who he woke up at this point because James had kissed him. James had kissed him and Regulus had run away. He tore off the hoodie and threw it in the shower. Shortly followed by his shorts and boxers and changed into dry clothes with shaking hands. He felt numb all over. He was shivering now. Regulus couldn’t distinguish whether it was shock or cold. His fingers brushed over his lips and he almost smiled. Almost. But this was wrong. It was all wrong. God why had he said all that? Why had he admitted all of those things? He pushed his hands through his hair after scrubbing a towel over it. His heart was still thundering in his chest, louder than the storm that still raged outside. Fuck, he wanted to scream. He wanted to punch something. He wanted out of this fucking house!

Then a knock came at his door.

He stopped dead. Swallowing, and without really thinking, he hurried across the room and flung open the door. James stood, breathing heavy, in dry sweats and Blues t-shirt. The idiot was just staring at him.

“I tried to go to bed.” James confessed. His pupils were blown. He swallowed.  

“Me too.” He whispered.

They locked eyes. James’ hands flexed at his sides.

He didn’t waste anymore time. Regulus kissed him, surging forwards into his arms, mouths crashing together.

Bad idea. Bad idea. Bad fucking idea. Regulus thought as he whimpered into James’ mouth.

But that didn’t stop him from kissing him harder, moaning lightly, opening his mouth obediently. James pushed him back into the room and shut the door, then pressed Regulus against it. Whether James picked him up, or whether Regulus had wrapped his legs around the taller man’s hips, he wasn’t sure, but either way, that’s how they had ended up, pressed up against the door, Regulus’ arms around James’ neck as they kissed. James’ mouth travelled to Regulus’ jaw, his neck, under his chin.

“Fuck.” Regulus sighed then came to his senses. “Stop. James stop.”

The other man stilled, and put him down, backing up in surrender. “I’m, I’m sorry, I thought…”

“No, I do. God. James. I do. But…” Regulus panted, still leaning against the door. “This is such a bad idea.” He whispered, eyes closed.

“Do you want me to go?” James asked, voice ruined.

Regulus shook his head. Then he looked up into those eyes that had haunted him for six weeks. “I want you to kiss me.”

The idiot grinned. Regulus lunged for him hungrily, craving the feel of those hands on him, the smell of him. They kissed until they had to catch their breath, still rooted to the spot, James too much of a gentleman to assume he could throw them onto Regulus’ bed. Foreheads pressed together, they laughed.

“Fuck, what is happening.” Regulus groaned.

“I’ve wanted to do this since the day I met you.” James admitted, hands still around Regulus’ waist.

“And now that you have?” he asked cautiously, scared of the answer.

“How could I ever give you up?” James purred, kissing him once more, softer than before. “I should go to bed. So should you.”

Regulus looked down “Yeah.” He said, folding his arms across himself protectively.

“Can we talk, tomorrow? After I’ve spent an hour kissing you of course.” James grinned, lifting Regulus’ chin to meet his eyes.

Regulus just nodded, and accepted one last chaste kiss.

“Please. Please don’t freak out.” James asked, holding his gaze.

Regulus wanted to look away. His heart was in his throat. “I can’t make any promises.”

“Then just promise you’ll come and find me.” James pressed.

“Okay.”

James held his hand out. “Give me your phone.”

“Why?” he frowned, handing it to him, unlocked. Then watched James put his phone number into Regulus’ contacts and texted himself, never stepping back from him, their bodies still pressed together.

“You freak out. You text me. Promise?” Regulus nodded, promising. James kissed him. “Goodnight,” James said, retreating.

“Night.” Regulus answered, chewing his bottom lip and watching as James slipped out, closing the door quietly behind him, phone in his hand. James’ number in his phone. He stood still for a few minutes after he’d gone. Processing. Questioning whether any of it had been real. He touched his lips again. He could still feel James’ hands on his back, his teeth on his neck. Fucking hell this was bad. Tomorrow. They’d talk tomorrow. How on earth was he meant to sleep? So, he paced. An hour passed. He lay sprawled on his bed, replaying everything. He tossed and turned. Another hour passed. He fell asleep just after four, the sun was already creeping above the horizon. It had stopped raining.

Chapter Text

Chapter Fifteen

I’m freaking out.

The text came a little after eight. James had been up for hours already and was halfway through a workout on the deck outside when his phone buzzed. It hadn’t been until he’d got up that morning that the entire kissing-Sirius’-little-brother fiasco had really hit him. Hence the workout. After a four mile run. Really, he was just trying everything in an attempt to process what the fuck had happened the night before. He’d kissed Regulus, that was all he knew for certain. Regulus asked him to, then he had kissed him back. As for what they were, what any of this was, James didn’t have the foggiest. He wasn’t even sure he knew what he wanted this to be, could it be anything? Did any kind of future exist for whatever this was that had erupted between them? Is that what he wanted? Is that what Regulus wanted?

He sat up, squinting against the sun, panting, abs burning and paled as he opened the message from Regulus.

“Fuck.” He muttered under his breath.

On my way. He texted back, grabbing his water bottle and practically sprinted back into the house. Thankfully no one else was up. He took the stairs two at a time, and slipped quietly along the upstairs corridor. He paused outside Regulus’ door and knocked. It opened immediately. As if Regulus had been waiting on the other side.

He looked wrecked. Dark circles swept under his eyes. Lord had he not slept at all? James worried. Regulus was clutching his middle, balling his fists in his hoodie as he paced back and forth across the room. He was breathing in short, irregular gulps and his cheeks were streaked with tears. James shut the door gently and crossed the room to him.

“Hey.” He said, catching his elbow. “Hey,” he soothed, pulling him into his arms. “Come here. Reggie, stop.”

“I’m.” he sucked in air, attempting to pull away, to keep pacing restlessly. “Fine. I’m. Fine.”

“Regulus.” James stilled him with both hands on his shoulders, then guided him to the floor. “Steady. Just breathe with me. Look at me, love.”

They sat face to face. James pulled Regulus’ legs over his own thighs so that they rested around his middle and pulled him closer. Then he took his hands, unpeeling them from the iron grip they had around his stomach and held them steady.

“Regulus.” James ducked his head into his eyeline and drew his eyes up.

“I,” he gasped. “Can’t.” sucked in another breath. “James.”

“Deep breath in. With me. One, two, three.” He squeezed Regulus’ hands, breathing with him. “And out, two three.”

Regulus tried. Glassy eyes filled with tears locked onto James’.

“In. Breathe in. I’ll count you. One, two, three. And out Reggie. One, two, three.”

Regulus squeezed back.

James smiled. “Again, love. In.” He counted every inhale, and every exhale. “And again.” He said, softer. He had begun rubbing circles on the backs of Regulus’ hands and eventually, after ten agonising minutes, his breathing evened and he took one deep, shuddering breath. “There you go.” James said with a sympathetic smile. He lifted Regulus’ chin with his knuckle until their eyes met. “Hey.” He whispered.

“Hi.” Regulus whispered back, still teary.

“You okay?”

“Better.” Regulus smiled briefly. “Sorry.”

“You’ve got nothing to apologise for.” James corrected. He watched Regulus’ face, searching it. “Would it be entirely inappropriate if I kissed you?” Warmth pooled in his stomach because then Regulus smirked and leant in, meeting James’ lips in a gentle kiss. He let out a soft noise of relief and slid a hand up to the back of his neck, entangling his fingers in black hair. “What happened?” he asked, when they broke away.

“I just… I don’t think... Fuck.” He inhaled again with a shudder. “This isn’t a good idea, James.” Regulus croaked. “What if Sirius finds out?”

“I can deal with Sirius. He’s more bark than bite and you know it.” James chuckled. “And besides, in the meantime, he doesn’t need to know. Does he?”

A scoff. “I would prefer it for him to never, ever find out.” Regulus said firmly. “In fact, no one can know. I can’t risk this getting back to my parents, James. They would…They... I can’t-” Regulus tensed, pushing his hands into his hair.

“Okay, okay. No one has to know. We keep it a secret.” James said quickly, pulling at Regulus’ hands, guiding him into another kiss. “No one will know. No one.”

“You swear?” Regulus whispered, kissing him back, eyes closed tightly.

“On my life.” He promised. “I wouldn’t lie to you. And I would never betray you. You call the shots.” Another kiss, longer, slower. They parted to breathe.

“Fucking hell, how did this happen?” Regulus seemed to say to himself, falling forwards against James’ chest.

“You scowled at me in that airport carpark, love. And quite frankly, in that moment I was a goner.” James laughed lightly, running his fingers up and down Regulus’ back in soothing trails.

“Fuck off.”

“It’s true!” he insisted, grinning when Regulus looked up. They kissed again, languidly. “We should go downstairs. I’m sure the others are up and circling for breakfast. And my parents are back today.”

Regulus groaned. “Can’t we hide in here?”

“I think someone would notice, love.” James smiled, running the pad of his thumb over Regulus’ bottom lip. “Come on.”

*****

The sound of tyres on gravel sent James bolting for the window like a dog. “They’re home!” He announced unnecessarily, already halfway to the door.

The house felt as if it settle, the moment the car pulled into the drive. As if it had been holding its breath all week. James barely waited for the engine to cut before he swung the door open a grin splitting his face. Effie got out first, sunglasses perched in her hair, city coat still buttoned despite the heat. Fleamont followed, stretching out old hockey knees.

“There he is!” Effie said, delighted, arms opening. James walked straight into the hug, burying his face against her shoulder.

“Miss us?” Fleamont asked, clapping a hand on James’ back.

“Terribly,” James said, pulling away and grinning at both of them. James stepped aside so they could see past him into the kitchen, where the table was already set. Sirius was perched on a chair backwards, Remus beside him. Lily stood pouring water into glasses. Regulus sat at the far side of the table, posture perfect as ever, hands folded neatly, eyes flicking up the second James looked his way. James’ smile softened.

“Well,” Effie said warmly, “it looks like you managed.”

“I made lunch,” James said proudly.

Fleamont laughed. “Should we be worried?”

“You should be impressed,” James shot back, ushering them inside.

They settled around the table easily, the familiarity settling once hugs had been exchanged and niceties had been offered. Plates were passed. Effie kissed Lily’s cheek, squeezed Remus’ shoulder, then ruffled Sirius’ hair despite his protests. After all, at this point, he’d become like a second son to them. Fleamont clapped James on the shoulder again and sat, surveying the spread.

“This smells incredible, darling.” Effie said. “Did you kids have a good week?”

“Great,” James said honestly, dropping into his chair. “Busy. Sirius nearly drowned us all at least twice.”

“I did not!” Sirius said, offended. “You’re all just weak swimmers.”

Regulus hid a smile behind his glass. James caught it and felt it like a small private victory.

“And the Toronto crew?” Effie asked. “Did they have fun? I’m sad to have missed them!”

“They did,” James said easily. His eyes flicked to Lily, quick and knowing. She met the look, lips twitching, and then looked flushed, back down at her plate. But no one else seemed to notice. Under the table, James’ foot brushed Regulus’. Once. Twice. Regulus stiffened for half a second, then deliberately shifted closer. Their shoes pressed together. James let his toe tap affectionately against him. Regulus answered by nudging back. James bit down a grin and reached for his fork before anyone could accuse him of smiling at nothing.

“So,” Sirius said, spearing a piece of food, “how was the city?”

Effie launched into a story about galleries and dinners and getting caught in that terrible rainstorm last night. “Did it pass through here?” she asked, heaping salad onto her plate and dousing it in dressing.

James laughed. “Sure did. Biblical rain. Surprising, to be completely honest. The lightening was crazy. Sparks all round.” Regulus kicked him hard under the table and he had to cover his mouth to stop himself from laughing even more.

“Sirius slept like the dead through the entire thing.” Remus declared.

“Guilty as charged.” Sirius smirked, holding his arms out expectantly.

“Through the entire storm?!” Lily scoffed in shock. “Honestly Padfoot, a nuclear bomb could go off, and you wouldn’t even notice!”

“I would!”

“Would not.” Remus snorted shaking his head adamantly.

James watched contentedly, concentration waning as his gaze drifted to the window, the warm summer sun sending blinding ripples across the surface of the lake. Half of him wanted to close his eyes and fall asleep to the sounds of his family laughing through easy conversations over empty plates and full wine glasses. The other half of him was acutely aware of Regulus beside him. The fact that every so often, when conversation swelled and attention drifted, Regulus’ foot would press back, as if grounding himself. At one point, as Effie reached for more water and Fleamont leaned back mid story, James glanced sideways. Regulus wasn’t looking at him. He was listening politely, head tilted, lashes dark against his skin. Perfectly composed. Then, as if he could feel eyes on the side of his face, Regulus turned to look at him.

He mouthed a quick. “Fuck off.”

To which, James winked.

Regulus’ composure cracked. A flicker of surprise, then a swift, subtle roll of his eyes was all the answer James needed for his face to break into a delighted smirk. In response, he nudged his foot gently. Regulus pressed his lips together and folded his arms across his stomach. Lunch stretched on, comfortable and loud and alive. Plates emptied. Stories overlapped. Laughter filled the kitchen and spilled into the rest of the house. And all the while, beneath the table, unseen and unspoken, James’ foot stayed pressed to Regulus’, a secret humming between them.

******

James found Regulus on the jetty late into the afternoon, sat at the end, staring out across the lake. He looked calm, at peace. His legs swung gently to and fro. James approached at a strut. Behind him, he was dragging a canoe, oars lying precariously across the benches. He stepped into the shallows and slung the backpack from his shoulder, into the belly of the boat. At the sound, Regulus looked over at him and raised an unimpressed eyebrow.

“Come on.” James said assumingly.

“What?”

“We’re going canoeing. Me and you.” He threw Regulus a life vest and then pulled on his own.

Regulus scoffed. “In that death trap? Dream on, Potter.” He placed the life vest down on the jetty behind him.

James waded through the water, pulling the canoe behind him. “Regulus, get in. I will keep you safe. I promise.”

“No.” Regulus scowled and fucking hell, that did something to James’ insides. Blended them. Macerated them. He contained a smile and cocked his head to one side.

“Baby, get in the canoe.” He waded until he was stood beside Regulus, still sat on the jetty and placed a hand on his thigh.

“No.”

“Please.” He pouted, putting his chin on Regulus’ knee, like a faithful old dog.

Regulus sighed, clearly irritated, glaring at him. James looked up into pale grey eyes, still pouting. Then, he relented. “If you drown me, I’ll haunt you into the nearest psych ward.”

“Deal!” James said, suddenly animated. He pulled the canoe to the jetty and waited for Regulus to secure his life vest, climbing up onto the wooden platform to join him. He checked the straps of the vest, pulling the sides in tightly, smirking as Regulus inhaled sharply.

“Alright, its not a fucking corset!” Regulus snapped.

But God, that almost sent James into oblivion. The very thought of Regulus in a corset accosted him and he fought to push it away, or he feared they’d never get off this jetty. And Sirius would murder him. He held the canoe steady for Regulus to step into the front and perch on the bench, then James got in behind him and pushed off, dipping the oar into the silky water and paddling out towards the middle of the lake.

“Where are you taking me? Against my will, might I add!” Regulus called back to him.

James chuckled gently. “To a beach, you’ll like it.” He watched him fold his arms. James knew he was scowling. He could get used to this. To them. And they’d barely even started. Fuck this was going to be a problem.

            James steered them into a tiny, empty cove, beaching the canoe on silt and pebbles. He stood and stepped out into the shallows, skirting up to the bow and pulling the canoe firmly onto land. Then he held out a hand. Regulus took it and stepped out. Before he could stomp off, James caught his chin with his other hand and drew him into a gentle kiss. The shorter man exhaled and sank against him.

“Leave your life vest in the boat.” James murmured, shedding his own and grabbing the backpack from the belly of the canoe. The cove was entirely private. The only access was from the water, and it was so tucked away, that people hardly ever came out here anyway. Taking Regulus’ hand, he tugged him up towards the trees where he laid out a blanket and sat down. Hesitantly Regulus sat beside him.

“This is beautiful.” Regulus said quietly, looking up and down the shore.

James studied him, and hummed in agreement. “Absolutely perfect.”

A steady exhale preceded his next words. “Will everyone not wonder where we are?”

“No. Sirius and Remus have gone to town with dad. Lily and mum are at Pilates. Just us.” He leant close, tucking hair behind Regulus’ ear and planting light kisses on his neck, under his jaw. Regulus tipped his head back willingly.

“James.” He whispered.

“Hmm?” James mumbled, kissing behind his ear, then turning Regulus’ head gently. “What, love?”

Regulus withdrew, pulling his knees up to his chest. Then he looked away. “I’ve not… I’ve never. Done, anything. With anyone.”

James bit his lip and watched him, suddenly feeling horribly guilty. “No, I didn’t mean… We don’t have to do anything. I’m sorry, I can see how this comes across.” He scratched the back of his head uncomfortably. “Me taking you to some secluded place and kissing you like that.” He laughed awkwardly. “I’m sorry, that’s not my intention. Not at all.”

“It’s fine, I know you didn’t assume… that.” Regulus looked at him. “But.” He paused. “I want to. You know. I also wanted you to know… you know. That I haven’t…”

James nodded in understanding. “I get that.” He said quietly and waited. Regulus had to make the next move. He had to show him this was what he wanted, James didn’t want to make him feel like he had to do anything. He’d never forgive himself for inadvertently pressuring him.

“No one ever comes out here?” Regulus asked.

He shrugged. “Very rarely. There’s hundreds of coves on Lake Joseph. Besides, we’d see them before they saw us, and-”

Regulus was on him before he’d finished his sentence, mouths crashing together. James’ hands instantly found his waist, pulling Regulus the rest of the way into his lap. He felt himself hardening in his swim shorts, noticed the way Regulus felt it too. James’ hands rested on Regulus’ thighs. He pushed him down, smirking when Regulus sighed and moaned at the contact. Then blushed. “Feel good?” James asked, not unkindly.

“Fuck off.” Regulus laughed, ducking his head and grinding down on James’ crotch again. “Shit.” He whispered, hands braced against James’ bare chest.

“Can I touch you?” James said into his ear, breathing heavy now, waiting obediently, his thumbs sliding just inside the waistband of Regulus’ swim shorts. He chased his lips for contact, kissing him as he waited for an answer.

Regulus broke the kiss and nodded. “Yes.”

James pushed Regulus’ shorts down to his thighs, Regulus lifted his hips slightly, his cock bobbing free, achingly hard. James looked up to meet his eyes, then kissed him. He could feel the anxiety pulsing through him, trembling in his legs, his hands. “Okay?” he checked in.

“Just, fucking touch me, James.” Regulus ordered, grinding down again. James moaned and chuckled, and wrapped his hand around Regulus’ dick. “Jesus Christ.” Regulus whimpered, dropping his head to James’ shoulder as James stroked the length of his dick, taking time to rub his thumb over the head, smiling as Regulus’ hips jerked involuntarily. “Fuck. James.” His voice hitched but kept his face pressed into the crook of James’ shoulder, hands now threaded tightly in his hair, brown curls embracing his fingers. James worked him faster, relishing in the sounds coming from the younger man, the way he squirmed in his lap.

“Fuck, Reggie.”

“James.” He moaned and before he could say another word, he was suddenly coming hard in James’ hand, covering his chest in white ribbons. “Fuck! Sorry!” James kissed him, then brought his hand to his mouth and sucked Regulus’ come from each finger. Regulus watched him in awe.

“Nothing to apologise for, love.” He watched as Regulus’ face fell into a half embarrassed grin which he covered with his hands.

“Oh my god.” He laughed properly then, peeking over the top of his hands. James simply couldn’t stop watching him. “That was so good.”

James shifted under him, still painfully hard, but he didn’t care. He’d watch Regulus all day if he’d let him. “You’re so fucking beautiful.”

Regulus scowled comically. “Fuck off.”

Biting his lip, he shook his head, and kissed him, pushing his tongue against Regulus’ lips until he let him in, exploring his mouth, gasping as the other man began grinding against his dick again. “Reggie.”

“Can I?” Regulus asked with an eager nervousness. James nodded and shacked his shorts down, lifting his hips to push them to his thighs and swearing when his cock freed itself. Regulus wrapped tentative fingers around him, eyes fixed on James’ cock. Before he started to move, he leant forwards and sucked James’ ear lobe into his mouth.

“Shitting hell.” James gasped, hands flying to Regulus’ hips, fingers pressing into the soft flesh. Then he made a contented noise as Regulus’ hand moved from base to tip in slow agonising strokes. He turned his head to meet his lips, catching him in a desperate kiss, hand on his jaw possessively. “Baby.” He whispered.

Let’s be honest he didn’t last long, coming just as explosively, their come now mixing on his chest and he gasped and laughed through the aftershocks, grabbing Regulus’ wrist as he tried to get in a few last strokes. “Fuck.” Another kiss. Slower. Sated.

“Can we go again?” Regulus asked, a devilish look in his eyes.

“Give me a minute to breathe, love.” He laughed, lying back on the blanket, Regulus still straddling his lap. “Christ.” He panted. Their fingers found one another and they laced together easily. “I can’t believe I’ve only got you for two weeks. Less than that, even.” James said pensively.

“Took us a while.” Regulus smirked, lifting himself off James and pulling up his shorts.

“Oh, I think I was clear enough from the jump. You. You are just bloody hard to read.”

Regulus gawped at him, offended. “Me!?”

“Yes you! Baby, I tried to kiss you on three separate occasions and every damn time you ran away. I’m sorry but that didn’t really scream, I’m into you.”

Regulus pouted, furrowing his brow. “Careful, Potter. I can still leave.”

James smirked. “What are you gonna do, love? Swim all the way back?”

“I’m a strong swimmer.”

“Oh yeah?” James teased, beaming, sitting up and tilting his head to one side.

“Yeah.” Regulus whispered.

James kissed him.

With a contented hmpf, Regulus sat back. “I’m going swimming. Can’t exactly go back to the house covered in your come can I?” he barely made it three paces before he was swept off his feet. James launched him over his shoulder and bolted down to the water, plummeting them both into the lake. Regulus screeched, coming up for air and splashing him. James retaliated. Their laughter reverberated around the empty cove. It wasn’t long before they were kissing. Regulus wrapped his legs around James’ waist, arms around his neck. James’ hands gripped Regulus’ ass as he deepened the kiss.

“Do you think they’re missing us yet?” he asked eventually, putting him down.

“God I hope not.” Regulus sighed, pushing back into the water and floating on his back. James watched him, soft clouds dotted the sky. Cicadas sang in the treeline. Fuck, James pleaded with the universe. Give them this. Give them all of it. Give them two weeks where he could have Regulus all to himself. It sounded blissful.

“Let’s head back. It’s gone five already.”

*******

The next day, Regulus barely ate a single mouthful at dinner. James knew that was the case, because he’d been subtly watching him. Dinner had been loud. Most of them were two or three glasses of wine in and were getting rather brash, particularly his dad and Sirius, joking about hockey and anything else they could banter about. Lily and Effie had sat at the other end of the table beside Remus giggling avidly into their wine glasses, and James had split his attention between joking around with his dad and his best friend, and glancing concernedly at Regulus between Remus and Sirius as he pushed food around his plate and gripped anxiously onto the sleeve of his hoodie.

            Soon after, dinner was cleared, and parties dispersed. Sirius and Remus walked down to the jetty to watch the sunset, Lily turned in early, kissing them all on the cheek and before James could acknowledge where Regulus was going, the dark haired man was gone. The sneaky fuck moved as quietly as a damn cat. James cursed. Already squirrelled away in his room no doubt. James resolved to give him some time. Dinner had been exceptionally overwhelming and loud, Regulus probably needed a couple of hours to himself. So, James took himself to the home gym and knocked out a few sets of weights, then a couple of miles on the rower. After a five kilometre run on the treadmill, he felt like he’d finally exerted all of the built up movement that had been trapped inside of him for the past six hours. Coming back into the kitchen, he downed a litre of water and went upstairs to shower.

Hot water drummed against James’ shoulders, steam fogging the glass accompanying the dreaded thump of his heart as his mind raced. He rested his forehead against the cool tiles and replayed everything again in his head, over and over, unspooling like a dream. He had kissed Regulus. Regulus had kissed him back. He’d kissed him back like he needed it, like his life depended on it. He smiled and cursed under his breath, water sliding over his face, curls dripping with shampoo suds and still his heart thudded, because once hadn’t been enough. Twice hadn’t been enough. God, a thousand times wouldn’t be enough to satisfy the desire he had for him. The need. James wanted to kiss him infinitely, wanted him close at all times. Fuck what the hell was this? He’d never been caught up on someone like this. Particularly not someone he hadn’t even slept with yet. James was very much a one night stand kind of person. He didn’t call back, and he didn’t do second dates. But Jesus fucking Christ had that been blown out of the water. Regulus was in his head. All the fucking time. James wanted to put his mouth on him all the fucking time. Wanted to devour him. Wanted to watch him. Was that creepy? Was he creepy? Was he obsessed? Is this how stalkers became stalkers? He rolled his forehead across the tiles and groaned in frustration. Apparently, this was the perfect moment for his dick to perk up. Begging for attention. Fucking brilliant.

The cove came back to him in flashes. The warmth of the sun. The sound of the shallow waves lapping against the hull of the canoe, half beached. Their hands finding confidence where there had only been restraint, exploring one another. James’ breathing hitched as he replayed it, hand on his dick, getting himself off. Regulus had been perfect. It was impossible for him to be anything else. The very sight of him made James feel unmoored and steadied all at once. Perfect wasn’t even the word. Necessary, maybe. All consuming.

It was mental. Completely, gloriously mental.

The way Regulus’ eyes had fluttered shut, the way he’d gazed at him, drunk on pleasure. With those pale fucking grey eyes and those dark eyelashes. James bit back a groan as he came, explosively, hot water still pummelling his shoulders, one forearm braced on the wall, breathing hard. He rested his head on his arm and cursed. The aftershocks wavered and he exhaled slowly. Then he detached the shower head and sprayed off the wall, followed by himself. And still, grey eyes haunted him.

Shortly after getting out, and drying off the guilt slid in, cold. Calculated. Reflecting honestly, he was betraying his best friend. He thought back to his conversation following hearing the brothers fight in French that night the other week. Sirius’ face, the way he’d said that Regulus would always come first. No matter what. He wondered how Sirius would react, if he knew.

Fuck.

James shut his eyes. Secrets pressed in around his ribs. He hated himself for it. Hated the lying by omission, the careful choreography of sneaking around that would only worsen, would only become more nuanced. But when he pictured Regulus’ mouth, the quiet certainty of him, the way his foot had nudged James’ under the table, the way he craved him entirely, the guilt dulled, just a little. James dressed, shucking a towel through his hair. He’d deal with the fallout later. For now, all he had was the truth of it.

He wanted Regulus. And Regulus wanted him too.

Which was how he found himself in the kitchen at ten in the evening, cooking pasta. He strained it, then added a tomato based sauce, adding cheese and bacon and warming it through. Then he spooned two servings into bowls, grabbed two forks, and snuck back upstairs.

James knocked.

“Come in.” Came the answer, hesitantly.

He pushed open the door, slipped inside, and leant against it to click it closed. Regulus was sat in bed, a film played idly on the TV on the wall, and a book lay open in the younger man’s lap.

“I was hungry.” James declared, sitting in bed beside Regulus and handing him one of the bowls and a fork. Then, without another word he dug in. He knew better than to draw attention to Regulus’ eating. But he couldn’t help the victorious little smile that tugged at his lips as Regulus began to eat. James watched him out of the corner of his eye as he dug into his own pasta, only half watching the movie. He didn’t care that this was dinner number two for him. If this meant that Regulus would eat, he’d eat six dinners a night. It was no matter. He needed to start bulking anyway. Pre-season was less than two weeks away now. Surprisingly, the thought saddened him. And that was weird. Football was everything to him. But right now, he’d push it back a month if he could. Two. Because time was rapidly decreasing. And that meant less than two weeks left with Regulus. Why had they wasted so much time?

            James put his own bowl on the windowsill behind the bed and shuffled down, his sweats sitting low on his hips. He realised then that he hadn’t put a shirt on. Was that presumptuous? Should he go and put one on? Would that look weirder?

Whilst he sat there stressing, Regulus put his fork down, and placed his bowl beside James’. Half eaten, but better than nothing.

“Better?” James asked softly, dropping his head onto the pillows to look up at him.

Regulus nodded. “Thank you. Dinner was…” his shoulders lifted anxiously and he worried the cuff of his jumper.

“I know, I could tell.” He reached out and pushed Regulus’ hair out of his face, studying him. “Can I kiss you?”

Regulus looked at him stubbornly. “If you must.”

James chuckled, then pushed himself up onto his elbows and met his lips, breathing in slowly, drawing him in, smiling uncontrollably because this was it. This was exactly where he wanted to be. He began to lie back, leading Regulus to follow, guiding him on top.

“Everyone is in bed.” He confirmed when he noticed Regulus glance anxiously to the door.

“You don’t know my brother that well then. No door is a barrier for Sirius.” Regulus pushed off the bed and hurried across to the door and locked it. Turning slowly, he hesitated and leant back against it.

“What?” James grinned, watching him bite his lip when he didn’t immediately return to him. “You still think this is a bad idea.”

Regulus nodded. “I know it is.” He remained stuck to the door.

James paused then inhaled deeply. “Do you want me to go?”

The other man gave a small, almost imperceptible shake of his head, chewing on his bottom lip nervously. James’ smile was crooked and somewhat obnoxious as he sat up and stood. He shoved his hands in the pockets of his sweats and walked slowly across the room to where Regulus was still leant against the door. He watched the younger man’s eyes rake up his torso, to his face as James crowded him against it, looking down into grey eyes which were, in that moment, dark with desire.

James ducked his head to Regulus’ ear and whispered, “What do you want?” he allowed his eyes to drag back to those grey eyes and waited, lips almost brushing, the urge to kiss him, to pick him up and throw him onto the bed, was almost irresistible. But he stood fixed, hands still in his pockets though his dick started to betray him. “What do you want?” he whispered against thin lips, still not quite touching.

“There’s so many people in this house.” Regulus said shakily, shifting against the door.

“No one else’s rooms are at this end of the house.” James said, voice gravelly. “Besides, they’re asleep.”

Regulus swallowed and looked down.

“If this is too much, I can go.” He said, taking a small step back.

“No.” Regulus said quickly, his hand jerking out to grab him and finding purchase on the waistband of his sweats, pulling him back. “No.”

James smirked, briefly glancing down at Regulus’ fist. “So, for the third time, what do you want?” He was crowding him again, hands now on Regulus’ waist, slipping under his t-shirt.

“You.” Regulus whispered, the words left his lips like a confession. “I want you.”

James kissed him then, Regulus’ hands flew up his face, fisting his hair. James slipped a leg between his thighs and rolled his hips slowly, clearly, they were both in a similar state. “Fuck.” He whispered, breaking the kiss and dropping to his knees.

“What are you doing?” Regulus asked sharply.

“Worshipping you.” James muttered as he slid two fingers into the waistband of Regulus’ pyjama bottoms and looked up for permission. He waited, mouth open, pupils blown.

Regulus just nodded once, lifting his hips from the door so James could pull his pyjamas to his thighs. Regulus kicked them off completely. James ran his hands around to the back of Regulus’ thighs and pressed his tongue to the base of his cock, drawing it up slowly, grinning when Regulus whimpered, gripped onto him as he felt his knees soften.

“Shhh.” He chuckled. “Relax.” James sucked the tip into his mouth, tongue flicking back and forth, eyes fixed up at Regulus, head tipped back against the door.

“James.” He choked, hands found James’ hair pulling it, anchoring himself against it.

He smirked again, mouth popping as he drew off. “Bed?” he whispered. When Regulus nodded, he picked him up, legs around his waist and didn’t hesitate to begin kissing him again, tongues entwining.

They collided with the mattress, James’ body covering Regulus’, his mouth finding the soft skin below his jaw. He kissed the base of his neck and paused, thumbing at the hem of his t-shirt.

“Can I?” he asked before lifting it.

“Yeah.” Regulus said, surprisingly out of breath. James watched him sit up and put off the shirt. He wasted no time in putting his mouth on Regulus’ chest, kissing and licking his way down to his hips, nibbling softly. Regulus moaned, hips lifting involuntarily. “Fuck.” He managed as James took him in his mouth again, all the way, nose pressed against the dark hair of his stomach. “James.” He squirmed, thighs trembling, hands gripping the pillow above his head. James watched him, then slowly began to move, sinking down onto Regulus’ dick, swallowing him. He took his balls in one hand and gently began to massage them as he sucked all while the younger man made delightful sounds further up the bed. After one exceptionally powerful moan, James drew off. “Baby. Shh.” He chuckled, moving up momentarily to kiss him. “I know we’re at the other end of the house, but the walls aren’t made of steel.”

“Sorry.” Regulus panted, smiling, eyes closed.

“Don’t apologise.” James whispered into his mouth, then moved to his ear, nipping it. “You need to be quiet, okay?”

“Jesus.” Regulus groaned, masking it with a laugh.

James trailed back down his body and took him in his mouth again, bobbing faster, sliding his hands underneath his thighs and curling back to grip his hips, holding him still.

“Fuck.” Regulus whispered, grabbing fistfuls of bedsheets. James didn’t relent. A light scrape of teeth. A few deep strokes. “Mon Dieu, James.” Thighs tightened around James’ head. Was he speaking fucking French?! Jesus did that send him over the edge. James picked up the pace, deeper, hollowing his cheeks. “Fuck, James I’m gonna come! I’m-” he cut himself off, arms covering his face as he came, James sucking him dry, hands still clamped around his legs as shudders flew through them.

Then, stillness.

Regulus’ panting echoed around the space. James drew off him with a smug smile and crawled up to kiss him.

“Holy fuck.” Regulus laughed, kissing him back.

“Good?” James asked, eyes gooey as he stared down at him.

“Unbearably.” He said, trying to steady his breathing.

James lay down beside him, still achingly hard, but not wanting to push him to reciprocate. He propped himself up on one elbow and watched him process, watched him blush. “You’re so beautiful.”

“Fuck off.”

“No.”

“Yes.” Regulus hit him playfully with one of the many decorative pillows. Regulus’ eyes drifted down to James’ crotch tenting his sweats. “Do you want me to…?”

With a shake of his head, he kissed his chastely. “Only if you want to. I would never expect you to reciprocate.”

“I want to.” Regulus said between kisses.

He raised an eyebrow and ignored the way his dick throbbed at the prospect. “You’re sure? Don’t feel like you have to.”

“James.” Regulus interrupted, already moving. “I want to.”

“Okay.” James said, but it was barely audible. All he could do was watch Regulus pull down the waistband of his sweats. James kicked them off, never taking his eyes from the mess of black curls. Regulus’ wrapped a hand around him, slowly stoking from base to tip, rubbing his thumb over the slit. Propped up on his elbows, lying on his back, James watched him. Fuck. He mouthed, heart thudding. Then Regulus lowered and licked the tip, pushing his lips just over the head. James exhaled. He sank down further and drew up, pulling off. James couldn’t take his eyes off him. Regulus did the same thing again.

“Breathe through your nose baby. Relax your throat.” James purred, parting his legs so not to crowd him. Regulus did. “Fuck. Hmm. Like that. Don’t stop, Reggie, fuck.”  He was close, he could feel it building. He sat up and pulled Regulus off just before he came, pulling himself through it with his hand, the other hand, guiding Regulus’ face to his, kissing him, moaning, breaths coming in shuddering waves.

“Was that okay?”

“Perfect. You’re perfect.” James grinned, kissing him again, persuading him into his lap.

“Will you stay? Tonight. In here?” Regulus asked apprehensively.

James grinned like an idiot. “’Course.” And kissed him again. “I’m gonna clean up.” He whispered.

            Soon, they were under the covers, Regulus tucked flush against James who curled around him, arms protectively encompassing his middle. But now, this wasn’t giving casual hookup. Nor was it giving, this thing is going to end in less than two weeks. But James didn’t care. He didn’t want to be anywhere else right now. He nuzzled his nose into the crook of Regulus neck and closed his eyes. He’d get up early. Before anyone else noticed his absence. They could have this. Have each other. Even if it was only temporary. Even if it was only for two weeks.

Chapter Text

Chapter Sixteen

The tree dug into his back as James pushed him against it, lips immediately on his neck, knee between Regulus’ thighs. Then their mouths crashed together desperately. They’d snuck away, running along the trail that led from the house to one of the beaches. They didn’t have long, but James had been staring him down all morning and it was driving him insane.

“James.” He whined as the mess of brown curls dropped to his knees and tugged at his shorts. “Fuck, we should get off the trail.”

James hummed contentedly. “There’s no one around. Let me.”

“God.” He mumbled gutturally. “What if someone sees?”

“Keep a look out then.” James mumbled as he licked at Regulus’ half hard dick.

This was more or less how their seventh week at the lake had been going, and neither of them were complaining. Better still, no one had clocked onto them, which Regulus was so bloody thankful for and completely surprised by because James was about as subtle as a freight train. The guy stared at him. A lot. And no amount of middle fingers and eye rolls seemed to sway him. Regulus would have to physically turn out of his sight or leave the room to stop himself from blushing. And then later, he’d tell him off, but that would always turn into heated makeouts and other things. Which, speaking of, James’ mouth on his dick brought him back to the moment and he gasped, fingers threading through his curls and gripping hard as he came.

James pulled off and looked up at him devilishly. “Swim?”

Regulus’ eyes widened and his mouth dropped open as he gasped, head still reeling, knees weak. “Are you out of your mind?!”

“This trail is private, a dead end to and from our house.” James said as he stood, pulling Regulus’ shorts back up and kissing him. “Come on…” he grinned.

“You’re a nightmare.” Regulus rolled his eyes, but still, he followed him to the beach, pulling off their t-shirts and shoes and plunging into the water. James’ mouth was on him immediately, kissing him, hands roaming, lifting him up. Regulus looked down at him. James was breathing heavily, gawping at him, studying him

Regulus blushed angrily. “What?”

“I’m just taking you in.” he said softly before kissing him again.

They swam a while, but mostly they made out, clinging to one another, tongues colliding, bodies pressing roughly together. Drawing back, Regulus smirked and decided to have a little fun, to see how easy it was to wind up James Potter.

“What sport would you play if you were athletic?” he asked sincerely, pretending to be lost in thought.

James barked a short laugh, then stopped, as if realising he was serious. “If I were athletic?” he repeated, one eyebrow raised.

Regulus hummed lightly in agreement. “Yes. If you were athletic.” He explained again, in a patronising tone. “What sport would you play?”

“I am athletic?” James insisted.

“Oh sure, but I mean like if you were properly athletic.” He said with a straight face, treading water backwards a little, eyes fixed on James’ face, devouring the way his muscle twitched, as he became increasingly irritated.

“Love I’m on a literal athletic scholarship. I might be playing professional football in a couple of years. I run every day, I gym all the time. I’ve got a bloody six pack?!”

“Hmmm.” Regulus scrunched his nose up, unconvinced. “So you don’t think you’d be good at cycling or like long distance running?”

“I’m-” he said and cut himself off. “You’re taking the piss aren’t you?” he said, offended.

Regulus couldn’t hold back his laughter a moment longer, and with a screech began swimming for shore. James pursued him.

“Get back here!” James laughed, seizing him around the waist and yanking him back. “You little shit,” he laughed, kissing him hard, hands roaming, pulling him close.

Regulus sighed happily and kissed him back. Yep. He could get used to this.

*******

Two pale bodies lay on the grass between the house and the lake, towels spread beneath them, the sun warm and steady overhead. Regulus wore sunglasses, one arm folded over his stomach, covered with a t-shirt, the other slack at his side. Lily lay beside him on her back, knees bent, hair fanned out, looking perfectly at ease. Her freckled skin glowing softly in the afternoon sun. Quiet conversation hummed between them. They talked about university, mostly. Lily complained about her course load, about professors who loved the sound of their own voices, about how exhausting it was to constantly have to prove herself. Regulus listened, chiming in occasionally, mentioning his own college in careful, neutral terms.

“Have you made friends?” Lily asked, squinting up at the sky.

“Yes,” Regulus said after a moment. “A few. People from my programme.” He paused, then added, “They’re… eclectic.”

Lily smiled.

“You’d probably like them. They’re a bit mental.”

There was a lull, cicadas buzzed somewhere near the treeline. Regulus shifted slightly, then glanced sideways at her.

“Have you heard from Mary?”

Lily’s head turned immediately, and she blushed, which felt like a good enough answer. “I have,” she said, trying and failing to sound casual. “We’ve been texting. We’re going for coffee in a couple of weeks.”

“That’s nice,” Regulus said, and meant it. He felt genuinely happy for her. “I hope it goes well.”

“Thanks,” Lily said, smiling to herself.

Regulus looked back out at the lake, the water calm and blue, sunlight breaking across it. He imagined, unhelpfully, how simple it would be to just do that. To ask someone to coffee. To sit across a small table and talk about nothing important. To be seen without all the careful omissions. He swallowed and pushed the thought away.

“I’m glad,” he said again, quieter this time. “You deserve something easy.”

Lily glanced at him, studying his face. “So do you,” she said, gently.

Regulus didn’t reply. He just closed his eyes and let the sun warm his skin, holding onto the moment for as long as it lasted. They lay there a while longer in companionable quiet, the warmth settling into Regulus’ bones.

“How have your parents been with you?” he asked cautiously. He couldn’t help it, he was curious. He knew her family wasn’t exactly accepting or welcoming in any regard, and he needed to know that someone else feared the same things he did. Lived the same disappointment.

Lily rolled onto her side to face him, propping her head up on her hand. “My parents are being… civil,” she said eventually, choosing her words with precision. “Which is their version of disapproval.”

Regulus glanced at her. “Civil?”

“Mm,” Lily scoffed. “Lots of silence. Lots of prayers said very loudly in the next room. Mum won’t look at me for too long. Dad keeps asking if I’ve met any nice boys at college.” She snorted softly. “So. Progress? At least they don’t scream at me and chuck Bibles at my head anymore.”

Regulus exhaled through his nose. “They didn’t take your coming out well then?”

Lily smiled unapologetically. “Well. I’m here for the summer, aren’t I? Not there.”

He nodded slowly, mulling. “Mine are like that too.”

Lily’s expression softened. She didn’t look surprised. “Yeah?”

“Yes,” Regulus said. He stared up at the sky, the words carefully measured. “Perhaps worse. It isn’t shouting or threats. It’s… expectations. Control.” He paused. “I don’t think I could ever tell them.”

There it was. The truth, laid bare.

Lily reached out, brushing her fingers briefly against his arm. “You don’t owe them that,” she said. “You don’t owe anyone anything that puts you in danger.”

He swallowed. “What did they say? When you told them?”

She barked a quiet laugh. “Like I said. I’m here. Not there.”

Regulus absorbed that. “I’m glad you’re here,” he said finally.

Lily smiled, warm and sincere. “Me too. And for what it’s worth,” she added, lying back again, “you’re not as alone as you think.”

Regulus closed his eyes, letting the sun wash over him. He wanted so desperately to believe her.

*******

Regulus settled on the padded benches of the boat, beside Lily, opposite Remus as James steered them away from the jetty, the motor humming steadily beneath his feet. Sirius had claimed the bow immediately, sunglasses crooked, arms spread wide into the wind. Lily leant over to the cooler, inventorying snacks and lunch aloud. Though Sirius only seemed to care about their stock of beers. Remus had settled carefully on one of the cushioned benches, a paperback in hand, clearly prepared to stay firmly on board. Regulus had taken the spot farthest from the helm and still couldn’t stop looking at James. He tried sunglasses. Tried staring at the water. Tried focusing on the distant treeline sliding past. None of it worked. James moved with an ease. One hand on the wheel. The other braced casually against the side of the boat. Shirt already discarded, skin warm and sunlit. The muscles in his shoulders rippling, the sweet dimples above his shorts like small shadows. Regulus felt his mouth go dry. Annoyed at his own lack of control. At one point James glanced over his shoulder, as if he knew and met his eye, winking softly. Regulus blushed. Offered him a middle finger. James grinned, and looked back to the wheel.

They made toward the middle of the lake, far enough out that the shoreline softened into indecipherable trees and little coves. The water darkened beneath them as it deepened. When James finally cut the engine, the sudden quiet rang in Regulus’ ears. The boat slopped gently from side to side as the anchor settled.

Sirius was in the water immediately, barely waiting for permission, diving off the bow. He surfaced laughing, shouting something about the temperature. Lily followed more gracefully, slipping off the side with a splash. Music crackled to life from the speaker, James turned it up.

“Coming in?” he asked Regulus affectionately, quietly.

“Soon.” He smiled tightly. He wanted to dive in after him, allow James to hold him up in the water, kiss him, be playful. The way everyone else seemed to be able to. James nodded and handed Regulus his glasses to look after, then went in cleanly, vanishing beneath the surface and reappearing a second later, hair slicked back, grin already in place. Sirius swam over and tried to dunk him. James retaliated. Lily shouted at both of them to stop splashing her. Remus watched from the boat, amused, legs safely tucked out of reach of the water.

“I’m perfectly content right here,” he said mildly when Sirius tried to coax him in. “Someone needs to supervise you imbeciles.”

Regulus waited longer than everyone else. When he did slide into the lake, he kept his t-shirt on, the fabric going heavy immediately. The cold hit him hard. He floated for a moment, arms loose, staring up at the sky, letting the lake hold him. It helped. A little. He drifted like that for a while. Swimming lazily, listening to James and Sirius act like prats. James climbed up at one point to grab food and was immediately shoved back in by Sirius. When he resurfaced, laughing and sputtering, Regulus had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep his expression neutral. But Jesus he looked good.

After a time, they climbed back onto the boat. Settling on the benches. Sirius shook like a dog all over Remus who swore profusely. Regulus chuckled. Food was passed around. Sandwiches. Fruit. Chips that tasted better because they were eaten straight from the bag with wet hands. James handed Regulus a bottle of water and a plate of food without comment. Regulus accepted it quietly. Their fingers brushed. Neither of them looked at the other.

Music continued to fill the air. The sun climbed higher. Regulus found himself treading water beside James, close enough to feel the disturbance of his movements.

“Okay?” James said casually.

“I’m okay.” Regulus answered in kind.

“If you want to go back, I can make an excuse.”

That warmed him, he smiled but shook his head. “Not yet.”

“When you do want to go, flip me off. And I’ll round up the hooligans.”

“You’re the worst of them all!” Regulus laughed and splashed him. “But, thank you, I will.”

“Anytime, love.” James said quietly and pushed backwards, winking and he swam towards Sirius and dunked him.

When Regulus finally hauled himself back onto the boat, dripping and tired, James was there with a towel already unfolded. He passed it to him so naturally it seemed incomprehensible that no one had clocked them, but perhaps Regulus was just hyperaware of their dynamic. No one else knew that anything had changed, so why would they look for such?

“Thanks,” Regulus said, looking about. No one had noticed. Then, he gave him the middle finger. James smiled, small and private, nodded, then turned away, back to the helm. Regulus wrapped the towel around himself and sat, staring out at the lake. He listened to the others laughing and talking around him, to the music, to the water slapping gently against the hull.

“Right come on you lot! Let’s get going. I want a beer.” James called to them, waving them back.

This was easy.

Regulus leaned back, towel draped loosely over his shoulders, and let himself enjoy it. The laughter. The music. The sun warming his skin. For now, nothing needed fixing. No decisions needed making. It was just summer, the quiet pleasure of wanting someone and being wanted back, tucked safely inside the noise of their friends and the wide open water.

*******

One evening, just after midnight, halfway through the seventh week at the lake, Regulus slipped from his room, crossed the hallway, and snuck into James’ room, clicking the door closed behind him. James was in bed already, the covers draped over one raised knee. He was propped up against the pillows, framed by darkness, the curtains behind his bed were still open. Regulus could see the stars above the lake. The TV rambled on in the background, the light from it dancing across the room and casting a reflection of itself on the windows. A soft yellow glow from a lamp came the far beside table. James smiled and lifted the covers, jerking his head for Regulus to come and join him. He did. Of course he did. How could he resist him? Regulus slid willingly under the sheets beside him and pressed in close, their bodies connecting from toe to nose. James kissed him deeply, over and over, tongue in his mouth, hands on his face, rolling on top of him. Regulus made little contented sounds, as he kissed him back, arms wrapped around James’ neck.

When they broke apart he bit his lip and said, “Thank you, for bringing me food.”

James had made him up a plate from the barbeque after everyone else had drifted to their evening perches. Regulus hadn’t eaten much with everyone else. He’d knocked, and handed it over, then retreated so Regulus could eat on his own terms.

“You’re welcome.” He whispered back, kissing him again. “Was it good?”

He just nodded. Willingly, his head tipped back as James’ mouth travelled. They made out in no hurry for what felt like an age, hands roaming casually, breathing becoming slowly shorter, hips pressing together in a gentle rhythm. Soft moans followed the way their tongues met and parted, over and over again. The duvet became a knot at their feet as they moved, the TV forgotten in the background, chattering quietly to itself.

“James?” Regulus said, breathless.

“Hmm?” came a very distracted answer as his mouth covered one of Regulus’ nipples, teeth grazing over the hard bud. Regulus squeaked, mouth gasping open.

“I want…” he stopped and chewed on his bottom lip, partly distracted by the tongue now on his collar bone, partly frightened of how exactly to convey what he wanted. What he’d been thinking about for weeks now, perhaps even before he knew he was thinking about it. “Can we… Urm. I…”

James stopped and returned to hover above him, their eyes locked. James’ were intensely curious as he spoke. “Can we what, love?”

Regulus took a deep breath, running his hands up and down James’ biceps which were either side of his head, and entirely distracting himself. He exhaled and met his eyes again. “I want you. But, like, all the way…” he felt himself blush and cringe as the words left his mouth. “I want…” he trailed off.

James chuckled softly, beaming. He dropped his voice. “Are you asking me to fuck you, Regulus?”

He didn’t answer at first, his stomach was flipping, but he found a shred of gall and opened his mouth. “A little bit?” he winced, eyes squeezed shut in embarrassment. Fuck, what if he said no? his heart was hammering against his ribs.

“Look at me.” James said, voice hushed.

Regulus did.

“Do you want me to fuck you?” James asked again, still hovering above him. He tilted his head to one side, inquisitively, shortly followed by a swift roll of his hips.

Regulus whined and tipped his head back, exposing his neck.

“Tell me.” James whispered directly into his ear.

“Shit.” He moaned. “Yes. I want you to fuck me.”

He was kissed, chastely, then with increasing purpose. They kissed for an eternity, need exacerbating until James stilled above him, and caught his eye.

“You tell me if you want to stop. Promise?”

“Okay.” He whispered, swallowing nervously.

What was happening? Was this really about to happen? His body trembled with anticipation. Excitement. Nerves. And overwhelming need.

James kissed him, drawing Regulus’ bottom lip between his teeth. “Take off your clothes.” He whispered gruffly.

Every scrap of clothing was shed.

Regulus lay back down.

James crawled on top of him, naked too.

Regulus watched him, breathing shallowly, suddenly embarrassingly nervous. It wasn’t being exposed like this in front of him. They’d been naked together plenty this week, showered together, spooned away the small hours of the night, but this was different. There was expectation now. There was unchartered territory. There was potential for this to ruin itself. Regulus exhaled shakily. Clearly his eyes had filled with his usual anxious frown.

“Relax, baby.” James purred, kissing him. “There’s no rush. No pressure. You tell me stop, we can. Okay?”

“Okay.” He said back, finding a smile tugging at his lips. He wanted this. He’d wanted this for weeks. And James apparently wanted him too? Perhaps that was the true source of anxiety. How someone like James could be interested in someone like him…

“Okay.” James’ attention moved to their cocks, taking them both in his hand and stroking them together, sliding a finger between them, over the tips, teasingly. Regulus groaned responsively, back arching into the contact. A kiss. “Shh.” Then his mouth replaced his hand for a time, gripping his thighs, pulling him along the road to bliss.

“Hmm,” Regulus closed his eyes and cast his hands on the pillow above his head, god he could hear his heart.

Then his mouth was gone, and he was sitting up. “Stay there.” James whispered, leaning across the bed to his bedside cabinet and pulling out a tube of lube. When he returned, he settled between Regulus’ legs and met his eyes. “Can I touch you?”

“Yeah,” Regulus nodded, shifting, arms still above his head, folded as he watched James flick open the cap. The bottle hissed and squelched. Then the cap clicked back on and James discarded it on the bed beside them.

“Okay?” James whispered, moving forwards, pressing his fingers to Regulus’ entrance and pausing, waiting for continued permission.

Regulus nodded furiously, “Fuck.”

He pressed a little harder, but not enough to breech the muscle. “Have you ever touched yourself here before?” his voice was rough, his honey coloured eyes dark.

“Fucking hell.” He said, laughing as his body arched into the contact. “A little.” He managed, though his voice sounded constricted.

James pressed and retracted, circling it teasingly. “More?”

“Yes. Fuck-I. Yes.” He panted, mouth opening in pleasure as James’ finger pushed past the tight muscle, giving a little and stilling again. It was a steady pressure, Regulus’ breath hitched as he adjusted to it, muscles clenching and releasing.

“Breathe, love.”

“I am.” He whined stubbornly, “Fuck-” but was unexpectedly kissed quiet. He pushed his hands through tight brown curls and lifted his legs as James’ finger began to slowly move, gently stretching him. James kept kissing him, Regulus kept moaning. They continued in this fashion for a few minutes, the air in the room getting hotter and thinner with every gasp.

“Fuck, Regulus.” James said into his mouth, his free hand on his middle, squeezing, grounding him as a second finger was added.

Regulus moaned. “God. Don’t stop.” The feel of James’ hand on his waist anchored him, the feel of his fingers inside of him sent shockwaves through his body causing him to buck up into the contact, a moan escaping his lips. James continued to move, gently parting his fingers, curling them, adding a third, watching Regulus’ expression steadfastly for any sign of discomfort. Regulus leant up for another kiss, pushing his tongue into James’ mouth, noses squashing together in desperate pleasure. “Please.” He whined. “I need more.”

James stopped and eased out of him. Then kissed him again. “Ready?” he asked, against his lips, fingers under his chin. “You still want to?”

“Just, geez. James fuck me. Please.” He squirmed, grabbing James’ ass and pulling him flush against him. “James.” He whined, all nerves had vanished, all apprehension gone. He wanted this. He wanted him. His eyes were blown with desire, his limbs doughy as he pawed at the insanely attractive football player above him. The idiot just smiled smugly and reached across to the bedside table again to pull out a condom. Regulus watched him. His heart thudded. He was in James Potter’s bed. In bed with the guy he’d fawned over for a month who was now equally obsessed with him? Wanted to kiss him? Fuck him. Fuck. Regulus felt his face flush. They were doing this, this was actually happening.

“Hey.” James’ voice came through the fog of thoughts. “We don’t have to do this.”

“No.” Regulus said quickly. “I want to. I want to.” He swallowed and mulled over his next words. “I’ve thought about this so much.”

“Me too.” James agreed, settling between his thighs again and pulling Regulus’ legs around his hips. “Is this okay?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, pulling James in for a kiss.

“Relax, baby.” James whispered.

Regulus could feel him push slowly at his hole, patiently. Regulus heard the cap open, the bottle squeeze and the cap close again. God, he wanted him to hurry up.

“I’m sorry if this hurts at first. It’ll ease. Just, keep talking to me. Ready?”

He moaned, and nodded, already feeling the dull burn as James pushed inside. He gasped, digging his nails into James’ shoulders. “Fuck.” He whispered. It wasn’t painful in the way that pain usually felt. He felt full, stretched, it was more a warm ache than a stinging discomfort. He squeezed his eyes closed, tensing.

“Still okay?” James said, voice ropey. Resting on his elbows either side of Regulus’ head, he watched his expression.

At first Regulus kept his eyes closed, but then James stopped moving and he realised he was fully seated inside of him. He opened his eyes, met James’ and huffed a short laugh.

“Jesus.” He smiled, muscles tensing and relaxing, trying to understand this new feeling, hips jerking, both wanting to move and stay completely still. Electricity whizzed through his body. His muscles tightened again and he bit down on his bottom lip.

“Baby relax.” James whispered in his ear. “You feel so tense.” He pushed in. Regulus moaned. “Relax.”

“Jamie.” Regulus whimpered and ran his nails down James’ back eliciting a glorious moan from the man above him. James drew out slowly, breathing raggedly and pushed back in, watching him. Regulus moaned, lifting his hips, arching his back because God did it feel good. James did the same thing again. Agonisingly slowly. So he clamped his legs around James’ hips and tried to pull him against him harder, but James sat up, placing his hands on Regulus’ hips and holding him down, continuing with the same, slow pace. “James, come on.” Regulus whined. “Fuck me harder. You’re not going to break me.”

“Not yet.” James purred, moving his hands to the crease between his thighs and hips, using it to anchor himself as he pushed deeper, but just as slow as before, drawing it out, allowing him to adjust.

“Oh!” Regulus gasped as he felt a shockwave fly through him. “Do that again, fuck!”

James chuckled. “Liked that huh? Maybe stop telling me what to do and trust-” he paused leaning down to kiss him, “that I know what I’m doing.” He smirked, rolling his hips lazily. “Still okay?”

“Yes. Fucking hell.”

“Fuck you feel incredible.” James groaned as he thrust in slow, deep strokes, each one hitting Regulus’ prostate. He fell forward over him again, leaning on his elbows either side of Regulus head, ducking down and kissing him. “Okay?”

Regulus hummed in agreement between every, slow, deep, thrust. James groaned quietly with each. Their noses pressed together, sporadic kisses, wet and full of teeth. Regulus’ nails trails down James’ back, digging in with every thrust.

“Do you want me to go harder?” James asked unsteadily, braced on his elbows. Regulus was intoxicated on the smell of him, sweat and musk and suncream. He buried his head against his collar bone and cried out softly with every stroke.

“If you don’t, I’m gonna sue you.” Regulus panted, hands now braced against the headboard above him.

It changed then, James, sat up on his heels and picked up the pace. He lifted Regulus’ ankles onto his shoulders and Regulus just about saw stars. He could feel his own cock bouncing between them, leaking and entirely unpredictable. James mouth was on his neck, folding him in half as he started kissing, licking, sucking, biting. It was everything. James was everything. The burning was gone, all he was left with was searing pleasure and a feral need which screamed with every stimulation of his prostate. Regulus didn’t even know what he was saying anymore, his words mingled with the moans coming from his throat and at one point, James’ hand covered his mouth.

“Shhh, baby. You’re so fucking loud,” he laughed kindly, kissing his neck. “Shhh.” His strokes became temporarily slow and hard. “Reggie. Jesus Christ. You’re beautiful.” He thrust again, and again, pulling out tantalisingly slowly. Regulus cried out, as quietly as he could, with every thrust, James’ hand still cupping his mouth. He was so close and he hadn’t even touched his cock. God was he going to come like this? Somehow, the thought made him even harder.

“Jamie.” He gasped, the hand released him, cradling the back of his head as James moved incrementally faster and fuck how was this just feeling better and better? “James…” he whined. “I’m so close.”

“Me too,” came a rugged response. Sweat beaded on their chests. Regulus wrapped his legs around James’ hips again, moaning profanities with every swift thrust, faster and faster, the muscles in his legs involuntarily twitching, toes curling. Then there was a hand on his dick, jerking him off relentlessly as James came hard inside him, and Regulus shortly after, all over his chest. James swore, tensing, thrusting deep once more, twice, moaning with him, kissing him, foreheads pressed together as they sank into the bliss of it all.

Soon he was peppered with kisses. Their breathing settled. “Okay?” James asked affectionately.

“Oh my god.” Regulus sighed, and started to laugh, letting out a soft sound as James pulled out. He watched him shuffle off the bed on unstable legs to dispose of the condom, smiling at him as he returned and covered him again with his body.

James kissed his neck, his chest, the inside of his thighs and Regulus’ body trembled with overstimulation. “God I cannot get enough of you.” James murmured against his skin, nipping gently.

“Shut up.” He exhaled, trying to calm the pounding of his heart.

“I can’t. I’m obsessed.” James looked up at him with gooey eyes, Regulus’ thigh between his teeth. “Obsessed.” He mumbled through his teeth.

“Jamie.”

“And that.” James said, eyes dark again. “Fuck, that nearly sent me over the edge. Say that again.”

Regulus laughed. “Jamie.” He giggled as James trailed his lips up his body, nipping the sensitive skin on his sides, tongue pressed flat to his nipples. “Jamie.” He said again. James reached his neck.

James scoffed. “Fuck everyone else, you’re never leaving my bed.”

“Fine by me.” He grinned and allowed himself to be kissed. Shortly after, they broke apart and stared. Each taking in the other. “That was phenomenal.” Regulus admitted when James lay down beside him, head on Regulus’ chest.

“You feel okay?” James checked, pulling the covers over them and glancing up.

Regulus started playing with James’ hair absentmindedly. “So good,” he said softly, kissing James’ head, breathing him in.

“I’d never forgive myself if I hurt you.”

“You didn’t, Jamie. I feel great.” Regulus whispered. “I promise.” James turned his head and Regulus kissed him.

“Shower?” he asked tenderly. When Regulus nodded, James scooped him up and carried him into the bathroom.

            They showered, relishing in the soothing heat of the water, kissing languidly, washing one another, belly laughing when James got soap in his eyes. Regulus rubbed his thumbs over the taller man’s eyes, massaging his scalp to rid him of suds. Afterwards they lay draped in towels, kissing, damp and sated until they folded themselves into bed, James tucked tightly around Regulus, lips pressed into his neck, fingers entwined. Regulus had never fallen asleep so fast. His stomach pooled with warmth. Happiness. Pure. Unchallenged. But inevitably finite.

A week and a half.

*******

Days passed. Secret rendezvous continued to be agreed upon and carried out. Evenings were filled with hurried kisses and stolen moments and endless hours in one another’s beds.

It was nearly two in the morning when Regulus eased his bedroom door shut again, breath held, listening. Nothing. The house remained quiet, a low, creaking stillness. Punctuated by the hiss of the hot water pump. He turned slowly and found James right behind him, eyes bright, mouth pulled into a grin he was clearly trying and failing to suppress.

“Clear,” James whispered, hands up in a finger gun, back braced to the wall. “Threat neutralised.”

Regulus rolled his eyes and grinned. “You’re an idiot.” He reached out without thinking, fingers braced against James’ shirtless chest, tugging him close. James kissed him immediately, like he couldn’t quite believe he was allowed to. They moved down the hall together, barefoot, careful but giddy, kissing between whispered warnings and poorly stifled laughter. James nearly bumped into the enormous stretched canvas that hung on the landing when Regulus kissed him again at the top of the stairs.

“Careful,” Regulus murmured.

James huffed softly. “Baby, you started it.”

“Fuck off.” He hissed, smacking his roaming hands away as they padded down the stairs.

By the time they reached the kitchen, Regulus was glowing, warmth humming under his skin. He hopped up onto the counter without being asked, settling beside the cutting board, legs dangling. James stepped between his knees briefly, kissed him again, slower this time, hands settling into their now familiar place at Regulus’ waist. He could feel the last hour of their evening now. He was sore. Contentedly so. Looking down at his legs, he noticed a line of hickeys trailing up his inner thigh which made him blush shamelessly. James noticed, and ran a finger up them, pushing Regulus’ legs apart.

Regulus swatted him away. “Don’t start that again.” He giggled. “You’ve done enough.”

“Oh there’s always space for more.” James grinned, kissing him hard. Regulus hooked his foot behind James’ thighs and pulled him close, snaking his hand up to his neck and deepening the kiss. His legs were around the taller man’s waist, locked at the small of his back. Eventually, they broke away. James went in search of food.  

Regulus was wearing a pair of boxers, and one of James’ old football jerseys, the fabric hanging loose over his frame. Potter 21 was printed across his back and fuck did he enjoy it. Wearing James’ jersey. Being James’.  If only for a time. James had pulled on nothing but sweats, low on his hips, and Regulus had not stopped staring at the soft V at the bottom of his abs, disappearing into the grey waistband. James turned toward the counter, reaching for bread, and Regulus leaned back on his hands, watching him. The line of James’ shoulders. The sharp dip at his waist. The way he moved. The way his curls fell carefree against his forehead.

James caught him staring and smirked. “You’re going to make me mess this up.”

“You’re making sandwiches,” Regulus said with significant attitude. “I believe in you.”

James laughed quietly and leaned over to kiss him again, pressing his mouth briefly to Regulus’ before pulling back. “What do you want in yours?”

Regulus blinked. “I don’t know,” he said honestly, then paused. The usual adverse tension didn’t rise. No familiar edge of dread. “Cheese. And… ham, I guess.”

“Excellent choice,” James said solemnly with a wink, already reaching for the fridge. “Classic. Reliable.”

Regulus continued to watch him. How had this man seemingly solved his disgust for any thought of food? How could James bring him any meal and Regulus somehow wanted to eat it? Why wasn’t the thought of this sandwich repulsing him? He curled his fingers around the edge of the counter and wondered.

James leaned in again, pressing a kiss to Regulus’ jaw this time. “You okay?”

Regulus nodded, surprised again by the sincerity of it. “Yeah.”

James raised an eyebrow but didn’t push him. Instead, he smiled and went back to the sandwiches. Regulus swung his legs gently, jersey riding up his thighs, utterly unconcerned by it. He reached out and traced a finger along James’ forearm while he waited.

“You’re staring,” James said, fondly.

“I’m appreciating,” Regulus replied.

James snorted. “You’re trouble.”

“And yet,” Regulus said lightly, “here you are. Feeding me.”

James slid the finished sandwich onto a plate and passed it to him. Regulus took it carefully, fingers brushing James’ again. He took a bite without overthinking it. James watched him, something like relief flickering across his face. They ate in comfortable silence. James finished his own sandwich quickly and leaned against the counter beside Regulus, shoulder brushing his.

“This feels…” James started, then trailed off.

“Don’t say it,” Regulus murmured.

James chuckled. “Okay.”

They finished eating and cleaned up just enough to avoid suspicion in the morning. James kissed him again at the sink, then again by the stairs, hands lingering at Regulus’ waist. Again at James’ door, then inside when the door had closed, and every step closer to the bed until their limbs were knotted together. James’ arms tight around Regulus’ stomach, grounding him.

James smiled, kissing his hair. “Night, Reg.”

“Night Jamie.” Regulus smiled. He closed his eyes, heart light, full. But that had nothing to do with the sandwich.

********

A couple of days later, after a day of hiking and far too much socialising, Regulus lay on his back in bed, staring at the ceiling and enjoying the peace of the silence. James had just left. It was just after two in the morning. He had to get up early to go running with Sirius but didn’t want to wake Regulus, so they’d agreed to sleep separately for the first time since, well since they’d not been able to get enough of one another. The room still smelled faintly of soap and lake water and sex. His sheets were tangled at the foot, his body pleasantly sore and tingling with blissful pleasure. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw him, felt him. James’ hands. James’ mouth. James inside of him. The quiet reverence with which he had touched him. And as good as it felt, and much as he wanted this, forever, which more than anything, was what frightened him, he couldn’t help but allow his anxiety to plague him.

The guilt crept in sideways, the way it always did. He turned his head into the pillow and pressed his face there, breathing in James’ scent. Guilt. So much guilt. Sirius’ laugh echoed in his head, all the things he’d sacrificed for Regulus. The way he’d brought him along this summer, just so Regulus didn’t have to submit to the wrath of their parents.  Now Regulus felt as if he were betraying him, betraying every good thing his brother had ever done for him because down the hall, Sirius assumed, without question, that Regulus was exactly where he said he was, doing exactly what he claimed to be doing. Sleeping. Alone. But instead, Regulus was sleeping with his brother’s best friend. Kissing him. Sucking his dick. Allowing him to do the same. Whimpering as Sirius’ best friend fucked him into oblivion. And when he put it like that, he hated himself for it.

Sirius would lose his mind if he knew. Not because he would hate Regulus. The truth was almost worse. Sirius would hate James. He would then blame himself. Would see Regulus as some kind of weak defenceless animal, some poor soul who he needed to save, yet again. As always. He hated that small part of Sirius. The part that saw him as weak. James didn’t make him feel like that. Perhaps that was why he was okay with lying to his brother? Regulus swallowed hard. He did not want protection. He wanted this small, feral thing he had carved out in the dark with James, even if it was temporary.

He dragged a hand over his face. The anxiety began to sink in. He should feel ashamed. He knew that. He had been trained for it. The reflex was there, primed and waiting. His mother’s voice, his father’s expectations. The long, suffocating silence of the house he had grown up in, where love was conditional and affection was always transactional. Just as he expected the panic to take over, he could hear him. His voice. Soothing. Bringing him down. And it startled him, that involuntary warmth. He bit it back, teeth pressing into his lower lip, but it lingered anyway, blooming quietly. James had looked at him like he was worth something, and not as an extension of someone else’s ambition. He let out a shaky breath, recalling the way James counted him through his panic attacks. The way he soothed him. The way he grounded him. His heart settled. Touching his fingers to his neck he memorised James’ lips, his breath in his ear. His hands. The panic ebbed.

God, Regulus wanted to keep him.

But he knew, that in a week, this would end. The lake. The house. James.

In a week he would have to pack up his things and step back into his life like nothing had happened. Forget all of this. Everything he’d gained. Everything they’d done. He would once again sit at polished tables and nod politely and pretend that his chest did not ache when he thought of hands that had memorised him by heart in the dark.

He rolled onto his side, curling in on himself. The idea of walking away terrified him, more than he’d ever thought it would. But there was no alternative. There never had been. He could not come out. Not to his parents. Not ever. It wasn’t like Lily’s family. They would not shout or rage. They would do something far worse. They would smile and dismantle him piece by careful piece until there was nothing left that belonged to him. They’d ship him away, and that would be it. If he survived that long. He squeezed his eyes shut, forcing the thought away. How had he let this happen? He’d given himself to James, entirely. How could he do that and not expect to feel anything? Expect to be able to walk away so easily? God he had to find some self-control.

Next week, he would be careful again.

Tonight, he let himself remember the way James had whispered his name, the way he’d worshipped him and he hoped that that would be enough, in the end.  

Chapter Text

Chapter Seventeen

James

James woke first. Inhaling through his nose, he stretched carefully, trying not to jostle to sleeping form pressed against him. Wrapping his arms back around Regulus’ middle, he settled, watching him sleep, noticing how at ease he looked like this, no tension wringing out the edges of his expression, no guarded thoughts. James kissed him below his ear and quietly rolled onto his back to unplug his phone, without waking him. When he unlocked it, he realised he’d missed a text, no, several texts from Sirius last night.

Early run? 6?

You in Prongs?

Geez are you already asleep? Wet wipe.

6am. I’m pounding on your door. You better be up.

“Shit.” He cursed under his breath. Right now it was ten to six and Sirius’ little brother was asleep in his bed. Naked. Hastily, he replied.

6:15? Just woke up.

Then he rolled back to Regulus and kissed him on the cheek. “Reg.” he whispered. “Love, wake up.” Regulus made a soft sort of squeaking moan as he stirred and James almost combusted with the way his heart thudded reactively. “We have a small situation,” he whispered, kissing his jaw.

“Unless it’s I’m hard as a rock so can you suck me off, then I’m not fucking interested Potter.” Regulus mumbled grumpily.

“God I wish.” He chuckled, rolling his head on Regulus’ shoulder blade. “No, it’s err.. it’s worse. Sirius is probably on his way to pound on my door to go running as we speak.”

“What?” Regulus blinked, suddenly awake. “Why did you let me stay last night?”

“I didn’t see his text!” James protested, pulling on a pair of gym shorts and his running shoes. “Or his seven other texts.”

“Fuck!” Regulus grumbled as he pulled on his boxers and James’ Varsity Blues jersey.

Then the door handle turned. They both froze.

It didn’t open.

Instead, it rattled impatiently.

Thank the fucking gods that one of them had remembered to lock it.

“Bathroom.” James whispered with a jerk of his head as he attempted to loosely make the bed. Regulus skittered towards the en suite and shut the door, but not before James caught him in a brief, but surprisingly deep kiss. “Later.” He promised.

He waited until Regulus was safely behind the bathroom door, before turning the lock. Sirius burst into the room. “Why the fuck have you locked your door, Prongs?”

James shrugged. “Must have been unintentional.”

“Fucking stinks in here.” Sirius said, frowning.

“Sorry, mum, I’ll open a window, shall I?” James snapped back sarcastically. “I thought we were running, lets go then dickhead, before I change my mind.” He ushered Sirius out of his room, closing the door behind him and casting one more look back at the bathroom, wishing he could have stayed in bed with Regulus for a few more hours.

The lake was barely awake, a pale stretch of water holding the early light under a milky sunrise. James ran along the shoreline with practiced ease, trainers crunching softly over pebbles and damp sand, breath steady, body on autopilot. Beside him, Sirius was very awake.

“I’m telling you, Prongs, it’s sadistic,” Sirius ranted, arms cutting emphatically through the air. “Pre-season starts earlier than last year, which would be annoying anyway, but otherwise survivable, except they’ve paired it with this absolutely tyrannical nutrition plan.”

James hummed noncommittally.

“No sugar after seven!” Sirius continued and pulled a face of disgust. “Seven, Prongs! Not midnight. Not ten. Fucking Seven! Who on earth eats dinner at six thirty and then just stops being human? And don’t get me started on caffeine. One coffee a day. One. What are they expecting me to do, vibe my way through morning drills?”

James nodded, eyes fixed on the water. “I guess so Pads.”

“And the meals,” Sirius went on. “Everything’s weighed. Everything’s labelled. Protein portions measured like we’re in some kind of science experiment. They’ve got us tracking macros now. Macros, James. I barely keep track of my phone. Apparently, carbs are ‘strategic’. Strategic for what, exactly? Emotional repression?”

“That’s rough,” James said, as pale grey eyes filled his head.

Sirius laughed aggressively. “You know who’s never sticking to it, though? Fenwick says he will, but give it three days. And as for Prewett?! Absolutely not. He’ll be sneaking burgers like it’s a covert operation. I give him a week before he cracks and orders takeaway at two in the morning.”

James’ mouth twitched upwards as he replayed what he’d been doing at precisely two am the night before.

“And don’t even pretend you believe that Lestrange is cutting out beer,” Sirius added. “That man treats a Friday pint as fucking gospel. Honestly, the only one who might actually follow the plan is you, and that’s only because you’re embarrassingly addicted to football.”

James let out a breath that might have been a laugh. “I’ll take that as a compliment, Black.” James wasn’t really listening. His legs knew the route, sure. His lungs knew the rhythm. But his mind was still tangled in sheets and warm skin and the way Regulus curled against him. The way he’d had moaned his name, writhing in pleasure on James’ bed. James wished that he was still there, his mouth on him, taking in his every reaction.

“Also,” Sirius said, undeterred, “they’ve scheduled a double practice on the first Friday back. A double. As if we won’t already be half dead from travel. Apparently, it’s about ‘building mental resilience’. I call it spite.”

James’ smile lingered privately. He pictured Regulus’ face if he were here, the faintly unimpressed look, the soft huff of amusement he never quite managed to hide.

“Prongs,” Sirius said irritably. “Are you even listening to me?”

James blinked, dragged back into his body, and glanced over. Sirius was glaring, he’d stopped and was stood with his hands on his hips, his chest heaving.

“’Course I am,” James said easily. “Your voice is loud enough to wake up half of Ontario. How could I not?”

Sirius snorted, mollified despite himself. “Rude.”

They fell back into step, the rant easing. James let it wash over him this time, the familiar cadence of Sirius’ complaints, the comfort of routine. Still, his thoughts drifted back to Regulus.

*******

Closing his bedroom door, James sauntered towards the stairs. The sun shone brightly through the floor to ceiling windows which lined the staircase, framing lake and sky in one canvas. As he rounded the top of the stairs, he spotted Regulus coming out of Sirius’ room and couldn’t hide the smile that overtook him.

“Hey,” he said, looking Regulus up and down. He was heading for his own room, but James caught him around the waist and kissed him hurriedly.

Regulus kissed him back and then shoved him half-heartedly. “Stop.”

“But why? You look so fucking good.” James whined dramatically, still holding him.

“Because.” Regulus protested, stepping back. “My brother is two doors away and you’re kissing me in broad fucking daylight. Keep it in your pants Potter.”

James groaned childishly and released him. “What time?”

“I’ll come to you. Once everyone has gone to bed.” Regulus said quietly, eyes flickering nervously up and down the hallway.

“Ugh. Fine.” He rolled his eyes, feigning annoyance, then grinned and snuck forwards for one short chaste kiss and ducking when Regulus swatted at him. He made his escape, taking the stairs two at a time and looking up at him, winking and disappearing into the living room.

“What are you grinning about?” Lily said, an eyebrow raised.

“I’m just so happy to see you Evans!” He sang sarcastically, deflecting. “Good swim?”

She snorted. “Fantastic.” She frowned. “You’re being weird.”

“It’s a beauty of a day out there,” he agreed, grabbing a glass and filling it with water. He leaned back against the counter, trying very hard to look normal. Like his heart wasn’t still doing something somersaults. Like he wasn’t half hard. Lily watched him pace until he pulled back the bifold doors and she followed. They drifted out onto the deck with their drinks, the late morning still cool enough to justify hoodies.

“So,” Lily said lightly, leaning her elbows on the railing. “Anything you wanted to tell me?”

James took a sip of water. He swallowed, then shook his head. “Nope.”

Silence.

Her eyebrow rose in disbelief.

“Bullshit.”

He shrugged. “I don’t know what to tell you Evans. There’s nothing you need to know about.”

She continued to stare at him judgementally. Knowingly. The woman was like a damn hawk.

Eventually, he yielded, sighed and scrubbed a hand down his face. “How do you know?”

Lily smiled, fondly. “I know you, Prongsie.”

He groaned and pressed his fingers to his temples. “This is exactly why you should go into crime prevention. You crack me. Every damn time, Evans.”

“And yet,” she said.

He glanced back toward the living room, then toward the stairs, then back at her. “You cannot tell anyone.”

“James.”

“I mean it,” he said, finally looking at her properly. “Not Sirius. Not Remus. No one.”

Lily mimed zipping her lips and tossing away the key. “Not a soul.”

He let out a long breath. Some of the tension drained out of his shoulders, though not all of it. “I didn’t plan it,” he said. “It just… happened.”

“That is usually how these things go.” Lily said dryly.

James laughed. “You’re not even surprised.”

“James,” she said gently, “you’ve been smiling like an idiot for weeks. Besides, I see how you look at him. How anyone else hasn’t clocked it is insane.” She scoffed.

“Rude.” He said, alarm bells sounding. Was he really so obvious?

“Accurate.” They stood there for a moment. James watched a boat cut slowly across the lake in the distance, the sound faint and far away. “We go back in a week,” Lily said, breaking the quiet. “Have you thought about that yet?”

James made a face. “I was trying not to.”

“Same,” she said. “Assignments. Seminars. Pretending I understand half of what my professors are talking about.”

“At least you enjoy your degree,” he said. “All I want to do is play football, but apparently ‘academic performance’ is ‘non-negotiable’.”

Lily smiled. “Scholarship strings?”

“Thick ones,” James said. “Good grades or no funding. No funding means no football. It’s very motivating in a deeply annoying way.”

“You’ll manage,” she said easily. “You always do.”

He shrugged. “Doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

“This is true.”

They shared a quiet grin. James felt it again, that strange split feeling. One foot already stepping back into term time, deadlines, expectations. The other stubbornly rooted here, in stolen mornings and late nights.

Lily nudged his arm. “You okay?”

He nodded, nudged back. “Yeah. I think so.”

She bumped her shoulder against and leant her head on him.

*******

The next week passed in a blur. Snapshots of moments carried the days, but each one travelled too fast to capture, too fleeting to hold onto. James tried to commit each one to memory, but the ticking clock of their last week occupied too much of his mind. Eight days left. Seven days left. Five days. Three. How was he supposed to give him up? So, as much as he could have just lay down and fretted for the time they didn’t have, he tried to hold onto the moments they did have, the ones he could take with him.

James was ankle deep in lake water when he realised Regulus had followed him, despite his adamant protestations half an hour ago, wrapped up in James’ sheets, panting hard, pale cheeks flushed, declaring he was too warm, too content to go swimming. The moon was bright this evening, and the stars seemed dull in comparison. Everything was painfully still in the dark. The water lapped loudly at the pebbles, magnified by the void of the darkness.

“Christ,” Regulus hissed under his breath, teeth clenched. “You’re unbearably annoying, Potter.”

James laughed and turned back toward him, water rippling between them. “And yet you’re here, following me.”

“Only because you insisted,” Regulus shot back, but he was already wading closer. The moon was high, the lake black and glassy, their voices low out of habit. James swam backwards and splashed him, grinning, until Regulus grabbed his wrist and yanked him close. They stayed like that, bodies pressed together, treading water in the dark, breath fogging the space between them. James pushed them slightly closer to shore, so he could stand, and lifted Regulus, hands braced on his ass, Regulus’ legs around his waist.

“Worth it,” James murmured and kissed him slowly, a barely audible moan escaping him.

Regulus pushed his fingers through brown curls and broke the kiss. “Don’t get smug.” He whispered, before kissing him again.

“Fuck me you’re so perfect.” James gasped, squeezing Regulus’ ass and deepening the kiss. The man wrapped around him only whimpered and threw his head back and James took the opportunity to press his lips to the pale skin of his throat.

Another morning, as sunlight spilled through poorly drawn curtains, James stared at the ceiling, he lay flat on his back, one arm thrown over his eyes. Regulus had climbed into his bed early, before the sun was up, without asking and had snuck under the sheets, reaching for him until he had curled sideways against him, cool legs tangling with James’ warm ones. It had been a welcome disturbance. James lay still, listening. The house was quiet. Somewhere downstairs, someone slammed the front door. James shifted, careful not to wake him. Regulus responded anyway, fingers tightening briefly around James’, before relaxing again. This part always caught him off guard. How calm it felt. How easy. He could envision this, could envision them, together, after the summer. After the lake. could they exist after the lake? Could James keep him? He didn’t dare ask.

Startled by a sudden voice, James looked down as Regulus murmured. “If you’re going to wake me you might as well kiss me.”

He didn’t reply, but he did kiss him. Regulus sighed contentedly, rolling over to face him. James slid an arm around his waist and pulled him roughly against him.

“Jamie.” Regulus gasped, hooking a leg over James’ hip.

Responsively, James slipped a thigh between Regulus’ legs. “Did you lock the door when you came in earlier?”

Regulus scowled. “Do you take me for an amateur?”

Laughing lightly, he kissed him again. “Just checking. Unless you wanted your brother to drag me out to the lake and drown me?”

“Not today.” Regulus pushed him back and climbed on top, straddling him then leaning down and pressing their mouths together without so much as drawing a breath.

It wasn’t long before they’d torn off their boxers and James was three fingers deep inside Regulus who was back on his back, his knees hooked over James’ shoulders, moaning his name into a pillow. James bobbed his mouth onto Regulus’ dick, swallowing him, revelling in the taste of him, the state he could reduce him to. Hazel eyes fixed on Regulus’ face as he swore and squirmed. Soon James was seated inside him, rocking steadily, hips rolling. He watched Regulus’ face, the early morning light framing his features, the crease of his brow, the soft O of his mouth as he gasped.

“James!”

“Christ.” James growled, kissing him, thrusting faster and deeper, stifling Regulus’ moans with his mouth. Nails scraped down his back and hands settled on his hips encouragingly. James complied, fucking him harder. “Fuck, Reggie. Fuck I’m so fucking close!”

“Touch me. Fuck.” Regulus whimpered, snatching at his hand. James took his dick in hand and jerked him off as he continued to fuck him until they were coming together, mouths messily seeking each other out, saliva and come mingling, slow beats of aftershocks resonating through them as James continued to fuck him tenderly. Overstimulation engulfed them and they smiled into the kiss, still and breathing heavily, James could feel the way Regulus’ thighs trembled around his waist, the way his skin twitched with sensitivity. So, he pressed his lips to Regulus’ slowly and reminded him that he was perfect.

They kissed in the hallway beneath the staircase that afternoon, pressed briefly into a shadowed corner as footsteps sounded upstairs. Regulus’ hand fisted in James’ collar urgently. James kissed him back without thinking, just once, then twice, but pulled away as Lily’s voice floated closer. He risked one more, nudging Regulus’ head to one side to access his neck, nipping playfully.

“Behave,” Regulus muttered, straightening James’ shirt with disdain, like he hadn’t just been kissing him.

James grinned and briefly pulled Regulus’ bottom lip between his teeth. “You started it.”

“Good luck swimming with a fucking hard on.” Regulus whispered, patting James sharply on the cheek and waltzing effortlessly away, looking back once with a devilish smirk.

James grinned at him. Obsessed. He was obsessed. Fuck. He thought. This was really very much, definitely, not good.

His dad had grilled everything he could possibly think of that evening. They sat outside under a glorious evening sun, the table laden with barbeque food, salads, fries, bread. It was a real Potter spread. James couldn’t believe they only had a handful more of evenings like this before school started up again. Under the table, Regulus’ foot slid against his ankle, then stayed there. James swallowed and kept his eyes on Sirius, nodding at something he was saying while his pulse thudded loud in his ears. He watched Regulus lean over to grab the salt, deliberately brushing his knee against James’. James kicked him lightly in retaliation, earning a subtle smile. But James’ more satisfying take away was that Regulus had eaten. Something that was becoming more common, and he could see it in him, he looked slightly less gaunt, brighter, he had his spark, a spark James had come to know well. The sassy, sarcastic wit which accompanied eye rolls and painfully adorable bad moods. James watched him for as long as he could get away with, then Lily caught his eye and raised an eyebrow, James felt himself redden. God he needed to control himself.

They disappeared into the woods the next day, ducking off the path where the trees grew thicker. James backed Regulus up against a trunk, hands warm and familiar now, like they’d always belonged there. Leaves crunched underfoot and the cicadas buzzed incessantly. Regulus laughed quietly into James’ mouth when James kissed him hard, hands already in his pants.

“Someone’s impatient,” Regulus smirked, narrowing his eyes curiously.

James rested his forehead against Regulus’, breathing him in. “Can you blame me? When you walk around looking like that? And I have to try not to stare at you.”

“Shut the fuck up.” Regulus dismissed, shaking his head.

“I’m not kidding, love. You drive me insane.” He purred into his ear before dropping to his knees, body sliding down Regulus’. “Let me show you.”

Regulus just nodded breathlessly.

As the eighth week aged, the days began to feel different. They felt weighted down. James noticed it while lacing up his trainers in the mornings, relishing in the last few lake runs before his only option was treadmills in the gym. His phone buzzed on the bedside table. Another email. Pre-season week one schedule attached. He didn’t open it yet. He ran along the lake shore instead, Sirius half a step ahead of him, talking nonstop about drills and meal plans, not that he hadn’t already ranted to him about all of this, but apparently Sirius was still annoyed. James laughed in the right places, nodded when prompted, eyes drifting toward the house in the distance. Regulus was probably still asleep.

He started thinking about Toronto more. About classes he wasn’t looking forward to. About early mornings and late practices and the way his life always snapped back into structure the second the season started. About the weight room. The smell of turf. The way his life narrowed during the season to drills and lectures and exhaustion. About assignments he would absolutely leave until the last minute. About how football was waiting for him patiently but demanding every fibre of his resilience, like it always had, and he tried to comprehend the strange sensation of not entirely looking forward to it. Not when going back meant leaving behind something he thought could be everything.

But James blamed the intensity of these feelings on the summer. He told himself this was just how summer worked. Feelings always lied when the days were long and the nights were warm. So, when Regulus appeared in his doorway one afternoon, hair damp from the lake, James smiled like nothing was wrong. When Regulus stole his hoodie and curled up beside him on the sofa after everyone else had gone to bed, James wrapped an arm around him and kissed his head without hesitation. When Regulus kissed him, James kissed him back.

He did not think about how easy it had become to reach for Regulus. How his body did it without permission. How his day felt slightly off when they hadn’t touched. Instead, he focused on logistics. On the calendar. On the fact that summer had an end date. On pre-season starting whether he was ready or not. On the idea that this was something he could compartmentalise, pack away neatly, like he did everything else that threatened to knock him off balance. He was very good at pretending things didn’t matter.

That week, he ran harder. He stayed up later. He laughed louder with Sirius. He talked about football more than usual, like if he said it enough times it would anchor him back into himself. He did not think about how much he liked Regulus. He kissed him anyway. Slept beside him. Fucked him. Let Regulus tuck his cold hands under James’ shirt without complaint. Let himself believe, for a few more days, that this could exist outside of time and responsibilities. When his phone buzzed again that night, James flipped it face down and pulled Regulus closer.

He told himself he’d deal with it tomorrow.

Summer wasn’t over yet.

*******

James woke to the sound of Regulus breathing evenly beside him, tucked against his chest. He cast his eyes over him, the marks he’d sucked into Regulus’ skin the night before. After all, it was their last night, there would be no more lake swims to hide such things from. His lips tugged upwards as he replayed the night before. Outside, it was light but the pale sunrise had barely crested the house, so the lake was still bathed in early shadow. James watched him for a moment longer then shifted, careful but not careful enough.

Regulus stirred. “You’re awake,” he said, voice flat with sleep.

“Mm.” James propped himself up on one elbow and ghosted a kiss over one of the dark purple marks on Regulus’ neck. “Didn’t mean to wake you.”

“It’s okay.” Regulus rolled onto his back, looking up at him, welcoming the kiss James pressed to his lips. They drew back. There was a pause.

“I had fun last night.” He whispered.

“Me too.” Regulus admitted, inhaling deeply and sighing. “What time is it?”

“Early. Sirius’ll be up soon, actually he’s probably already pacing the length of the house.” James tried a smile. “Airport nerves.”

“Right.” Regulus nodded once.

They lay there in silence. James could feel it coming, like an oncoming storm.

“So,” James said, lightly. “I guess this is it.”

Regulus’ jaw tightened. “Yeah.”

“We should probably talk about where we go, from here...” James kept his tone casual, cards close to his chest.  He stared at the wall instead of Regulus’ face. “What happens next.”

Another pause.

“We go back to our lives,” Regulus said, closing off.

James blinked. The words hit harder than he expected, even though he had expected them. He was silent for a few seconds. “Sure,” he said easily. “Yeah. Makes sense.”

Regulus turned his head to look at him. “You know it does.”

“I’ll be in Toronto, you’ll be in Montreal…” James continued, leaning into it, talking faster now. “Classes. Training. You’ve got your stuff, I’ve got mine. This was,” He shrugged. “just summer.”

Regulus’ eyes flickered. “Just summer.” He echoed.

James smiled, too quick. “Unless you wanted-”

“We were just a summer hook up, Jamie.” Regulus interrupted.

Silence settled again, heavier this time. Regulus looked away.

“You don’t have to do this,” James said quietly.

“Do what?” the younger snapped.

“Act like none of it mattered.”

Regulus let out a short laugh. “I’m not acting like anything.” He swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood. He pulled on his jeans, movements stiff and efficient. “Look. I don’t know what you want me to say,” Regulus said. “We both knew this had an expiry date.”

“Right,” James said. “Temporary. Transactional.”

“That’s not.” Regulus stopped himself. He exhaled sharply. “This is easier.”

“For who?” James asked before he could stop himself.

Regulus froze, hands on the dresser. He didn’t turn around. “For both of us.”

James swallowed, shaking his head. “Okay.”

Regulus nodded, once, like that settled it. He grabbed his shirt, hesitated, then pulled it on. “I should go help Sirius pack.”

“Yeah,” James said. “Good idea.”

Regulus paused at the door. For half a second, James thought he might come back. Might kiss him. Just once more.

He didn’t.

The door closed softly behind him.

They didn’t speak again.

James stayed in his room while the house woke up. He heard voices downstairs. Sirius loud and restless. Remus calm. Regulus quiet. Too quiet. James waited for a knock that didn’t come. Later, at the front door, there were tight hugs. Sirius clapped James on the shoulder, expressed how excited he was for pre-season to start next week. James hugged Remus tightly, wishing him a safe journey back north. But Regulus didn’t look at James at all.

Monty loaded the car.

James stood on the porch until they drove away.

Lily found him there a few minutes later. “You alright?”

“Fine,” James said.

She studied him. “You don’t look fine.”

“I’m just tired.”

She didn’t argue. They packed up in near silence. That night, the house felt too big, every room echoing with absence. The t-shirt and jersey he'd given to Regulus had been folded and laid neatly at the foot of his bed. James picked them up and pressed them to his face hoping to smell him, but they'd been washed. James stuffed them into his duffel and went to shower, shoving down the hurt. They'd been a gift. You're meant to keep those. A half hour later, he lay in bed, arm cast across the empty space. How had he fucked that up so spectacularly?

The next morning, James drove himself and Lily back to Toronto.

Lily chatted at first, filling the space, then stopped when it became clear he wasn’t really answering. He gripped the steering wheel too tightly, jaw set, eyes fixed on the road.

“You can drop me at the edge of campus,” Lily said gently as they neared the college. “You don’t have to drive all the way to my place.”

“It’s fine,” James said. “I’m already driving, it’s no trouble.”

He pulled up outside her building, helped with her bag, stood awkwardly on the pavement.

“You’re going to talk to him, aren’t you?” Lily asked quietly.

James shook his head. “No, Lils.”

“Prongs, this has ruined you. I can tell just by looking at you. Talk to him.”

James bit his tongue, stifling his emotions. “Summer is over Lils. Gotta get back on the right path. Besides, he doesn’t want to talk to me. He made that very clear.”

“I think you should try.” She frowned empathetically before changing the subject. “Call me. You’ll be back on campus next week?”

“Yeah.” He nodded reservedly.

“Okay.” She smiled sadly. James watched her disappear inside, then got back in the truck and drove east instead of west.

His parents’ townhouse was quiet. Empty, mostly. He let himself in, dropped his bag, sank onto the sofa. He stayed there for a long time, staring at nothing, jaw tight, chest aching.

Summer was over.

And James had never felt more alone.

Sirius

Regulus had barely said a word to him since they’d entered the airport. They’d checked their bags, found their gate and sat in utter silence. Sirius watched him cautiously, as if sat next to a rabid cat. Regulus’ face was taught with incomprehensible do not fucking speak to me energy. And he’d learned from a young age that that face meant business and under no circumstances was he going to talk to him. He let his thoughts drift to Remus. He missed him already. Sirius felt scatty without him. He couldn’t sit still. Yes, it was only a little over a week before he’d see him at college, but in the meantime that meant navigating his parents and Regulus, staying sane and making it back to school in one week. Fuck what he’d give for a few more weeks in Muskoka. It was so bloody easy. It almost felt like freedom. True freedom. And just as freedom always seems to be, it was snatched away far too soon, and they were plunging back into the cess pit of their familial dynamic. But he couldn’t just up and leave it all behind him yet. Not with Reggie still in the house full time. Even with college, and staying on campus, their parents were too encroached in Regulus’ life for Sirius to even considering leaving the family. Not yet. Soon. Hopefully in the next couple of years they could both be free of them.

They settled on the plane, Regulus by the window, head leaning solemnly against the glass. Sirius sat in the middle seat, squashed by a very old lady with a questionable number of hard boiled sweets in her purse. She had offered Sirius one after she had picked a hair of it. He screwed up his face and declined as politely as he could, which turned out to be a short, “Absolutely not.” And scooted away.

Sirius looked back to Regulus and caught him wiping away a rogue tear which had bolted down his cheek. He felt his blood run cold. His brother never cried. Regulus was cold as fucking stone. As much as he wanted to question him, he knew better, and that would only push him away. He watched his baby brother wipe away another tear as he stared out the window, Toronto shrinking below them. Then he reached over and grabbed his hand, gripping it tightly in his own. Their parents were poisonous, but Sirius would be damned if they got away with making Regulus feel like this a moment longer. He’d had enough. This was the year he was biting back. Fuck decorum. Fuck their fortune. And fuck whatever twisted plan they had for Regulus, as if he were some commodity for them to trade, for his father to gain standing, or stock or fuck knows what. If he had to buy Regulus a house just to get him away from them, he would.

“Je les laisserai pas diriger ta vie, Reggie.” I won’t let them dictate your life, Reggie. He said firmly, looking Regulus in the eye, an imitation of his own.

“Quoi?” What?

Sirius raised his voice over the sound of the plane. “Maman et papa. T’inquiète pas avec ça, j’ai ça sous contrôle. Je veux juste que tu te concentres sur l’école et que tu vives la crisse de belle vie. Compris?”  Mum and Dad. Don’t worry about it, I’ve got it under control. I just want you to focus on school and having the fucking time of your life. Understood?

“Ouais, Siri.” Sure, Siri. Regulus sighed, deflated.

Sirius watched him for a few minutes, worrying about him. Worrying that all his progress he’d made over the last few weeks would slowly disintegrate as their parents got their claws into him again.

“Tu repars quand à l’école?” When are you going back to school? Sirius asked, trying to relight the conversation but was met with a cold glare. Eventually, his brother spoke.

“Probablement dans les prochains jours. Dora veut qu’on se voie pour un café et on doit meubler la maison” Probably in the next few days. Dora wants to meet for coffee and we need to get our house furnished.

“Je vais t’aider à l’équiper. Faut ben que je fasse mes entraînements de pré-saison quelque part, non?” I’ll help you kit it out. Gotta get my pre-season work outs in somewhere haven’t I?  he grinned, trying to look as helpful as possible.

“Merci.” Regulus said tonelessly.

“N’importe quand.” Anytime. Sirius sighed, flopping back against his hard plane seat, waving away the old lady as she offered him another hairy sweet.

Chapter Text

Chapter Eighteen

Regulus: August to September

“Je savais que cela arriverait.” I knew this would happen. Walburga snapped. The four of them sat around the long table in the dining room. Orion at the head. Walburga at the other end. Sirius and Regulus sat opposite one another along the long side. They eyed each other cautiously.

“Que devait-il arriver, maman?” What would happen Mama? Regulus said politely, as he pushed food around his plate, bringing one mouthful to his lips and shuddering. It tasted like ash in his mouth. He forced himself to keep it down.

“Vous deux. À force de vous pavaner en Ontario, vous revenez bronzés et gras comme une bande de roturiers.” You two. That by swanning off to Ontario you’d come back tanned and fat like a bunch of commoners.” She hissed.

His brother bristled. “Au moins, nous, on pas l’air de… euh… squelettes bizarres, tout croche.” At least we don’t look like freaky disproportioned skeletons. Sirius quipped back in broken French, with a purposefully poor accent.

Walburga huffed frustratedly, glaring at her eldest son, then looked pointedly to Regulus and spoke to him directly. “Je m’attendais à mieux de ta part, Regulus. Regarde-toi. Le visage couvert de taches de rousseur. Et tu débordes presque de ce pantalon. Il était neuf en juin.” I expected better from you, Regulus. Look at the state of your face, covered in freckles. You’re practically bursting out of those pants too. They were new in June!

Regulus’ jaw clenched tightly, the panic building, and he put his knife and fork down to still the tremor in his hand. A cold chill had fallen across his shoulders as he listened to her degradation. He closed his eyes and nodded. “Oui, Maman.” Yes, Mama. God, what he’d give to have James here, to fight his corner, to press his thigh against his. To challenge his parents. His heart began to quicken and that familiar constriction settled across his chest.

“Laissez-le tranquille. Comment osez-vous parler de son corps? Surtout que vous êtes pas vraiment en position de juger. Vous avez l’air d’un cadavre.” Leave him be. Sirius said sharply. How dare you comment on his body? Especially as you’re not one to fucking talk. You look like a corpse.

Orion stood abruptly. “Dehors.” Out. He barked.

Regulus flinched and kept his eyes firmly downcast as Sirius stood, throwing his cutlery down with a clatter. “Fuck you both.” He lashed out in English, but before he could utter another word, their father had him by the scruff of his collar and was half dragging him from the room.

Walburga sighed and continued eating but Regulus’ hands were trembling under the table. “I do not know where that boy gets the nerve to address us like that. At least you have some decorum, despite your love for overeating.”

*******

“Why did you do that?” Regulus whispered angrily, storming into Sirius’ room later that evening, but stopping dead in his tracks when he saw the state of his brother. He had a black eye and a split lip, which he was nursing poorly with a dishcloth full of ice.

“She’s not allowed to speak to you like that.” Sirius drawled, spitting a glob of blood into a tissue.

“I can handle Mother.” Regulus snapped and sat down beside him, taking the wrapped ice from him and inspecting the wounds. “Fuck sake, Siri.”

His brother just shrugged. “Nothing to be done now. It is done.”

“I think you should go back to college early.” He dabbed at the blossoming bruising. “Like tomorrow. This will only escalate, like always.”

“What and leave you here?” Sirius scoffed. “Like hell am I doing that.”

He shook his head. “I’m going to move into the house with Dora tomorrow. I won’t be living at home.”

Unexpectedly, Sirius looked as if he were considering it. “What if they summon you back here?”

“They can do that at any point in the academic year, and you’d be none the wiser. Siri. I’ll be fine.” He inspected Sirius’ bottom lip. “Are you hurt anywhere else?”

“Bastard kicked me in the gut a few times.” He laughed sardonically. “Hoping to knock me out of my first few games I suppose.”

Regulus tensed, grinding his teeth. “You’re leaving in the morning.”

“So are you.” Sirius said firmly.

“Deal.” He nodded, and tried to hide the lie between his teeth. He could handle his parents. Sirius had never been one for peace, he just provoked them.

*******

Regulus and Dora lay on her bed once they had moved the last of the furniture into its desired place. A tub of ice cream sat between them, with two spoons driven into the frozen surface, edges gorged out, lid discarded upside down beside it. Condensation rolled leisurely down the soggy carboard sides.

“So, what happened with Greek God boy?” Dora asked, sitting up and replacing the lid of the ice cream.

Regulus groaned and rolled away from her. “I don’t want to talk about it.” He didn’t want to admit to any of his antics over the summer, especially considering that he viscerally missed the enormous idiot.

“Oh god, did he reject you?” Dora gasped, sitting up and digging back into the ice cream.

“What?” Regulus shrieked, offended. In retaliation, he thumped her with a pillow, laughing, eyes wide. “No!”

She squealed with laughter and ducked, spooning a large chunk of ice cream into her mouth. “Sooooo he was into you too?” Abandoning the tub yet again, she grabbed his wrists, and began bouncing up and down on the bed excitedly. “What happened! What happened?!”

For a while he just stared at her stubbornly. Then she pouted.

“I won’t tell a soul!”

Regulus groaned, knowing there was no escaping this conversation, if he didn’t tell her now, she’d pester him for weeks. “We kissed.” He started, apprehensively and rolled his eyes. “A lot.”

Dora squealed. “And?”

“And I may have slept with him.” Regulus admitted sheepishly.

“Oh my.” Her jaw dropped, and she leant forwards. “Was it…?”

Blushing he shoved her back. “It was good, yes. Okay? It was…” he trailed off. “He’s hot.”

“I know, Reg, I saw the instagrams Barty sent. He’s like a fucking underwear model. Fuck, so what’s happening now are you guys like long distance?”

Regulus scoffed and started pulling at a stray thread on his hoodie. “No. I cut it off. Well, it was kind of mutual.”

“Oh.” She sounded disappointed. “Did your brother find out?”

“No, thank god.” He smirked, shaking his head. “It’s for the best. I can’t risk my parents finding out either. You know what they’re like. Besides, we lead very different lives, it just wouldn’t work.”

She softened and took his hand. “But is that what you want? Are you okay with him being past tense?”

“Sure.” Regulus nodded. No, I need him like I need oxygen, he thought, but the words stuck in his throat. “I’ve got to go and unpack the last of my boxes.” He said quickly, as his eyes welled, pushing off the bed and hurrying across the hall to his bedroom, desperately wishing he hadn’t given back all James’ clothes. He wanted nothing more than to bury his face in the Blues jersey, and sleeping engulfed in the smell of him.

James: August to September

The sound of his feet against the plastic runner of the treadmill further hammered home the fact that he was no longer at the lake house. He was in Toronto, at college, heading straight for pre-season. In his peripheral vision, he noticed Sirius stepping onto the treadmill beside him, he smiled, glancing at him, then did a double take, almost falling flat on his face. He immediately lifted himself to stand on the side panels and cut the speed, starting in horror at his best friend.

“Fucking hell Padfoot.” His jaw dropped as he looked at Sirius’ face.

“Its nothing.” Sirius waved off, turning on his machine and start to jog slowly, wincing with every step.

“Pads stop.” James said, pulling the cord on Sirius’ machine, jolting it to a halt. “What the fuck happened to you, did you get jumped?”

“If by getting jumped you mean did my father beat me to a pulp. Then yes. I got jumped.”

James paled. “He did what?” immediately his mind went to Regulus. His fingers itched with the need to call him. “Why?”

Sirius shrugged, holding his side awkwardly. “Because he can. Fuck I think ribs might actually be broken. Bastard was desperate for me not to play this year.”

“Is Regulus alright?” James asked tentatively, though his hand was already balled into a fist at his side.

“Yeah. I took him to McGill yesterday. He’s moved into a new place with his friends. Our father wouldn’t dare touch him whilst I’m there as an available punch bag. But alone… I just had to know he was out the house before I left.”

“Padfoot, you need to go to medical.” James ordered, trying to pull his thoughts from Regulus.

Sirius waved him off. “I’ll be fine.”

“I’m not asking Pads. Get off the treadmill and walk your ass down to medical. You don’t have to say how it happened, but they need to know you can’t play.”

His best friend sighed. James could see the need to kick something in his expression. “Just another fucking thing my parents have found a way to control.” He watched him walk tenderly towards the double doors which led to the medical bay before pulling out his phone.

I’ve sent Sirius to get checked out. Are you okay? He pressed send before he could second guess himself.

            Regulus never replied. Sirius was out of pre-season training, but he still had to attend boardrooms for film review, plays, and walk throughs. James’ schedule on the other hand, was brutal. The first week hadn’t been so bad and had mostly consisted of sprints, shuttle, weigh-ins, and a shit tonne of conditioning. He was also pencilled in for footwork drills and mechanics and by Sunday every ego on the team was bruised, and everyone’s muscles felt as if they were permanently on fire.

            Week two hit harder and still he got nothing from Regulus. He subtly asked Sirius if he’d heard from him. Sirius nodded, unbothered, said he was starting classes this week. Training intensified, full offensive installs, skeleton drills, daily weights workouts. James felt he spent more time in the gym than in his own bed, most days he was lifting weights by six thirty, and didn’t leave the training centre until gone nine in the evening. But he felt it, he felt better than he had ever felt, stronger, faster. They were fitted for new kit, new gum shields, new helmets with the updated logos. Sirius was walking with greater ease, but he was still out for the foreseeable.

            Then came weeks three and four, aka Hell Weeks. Pads on, full contact, no mercy. By now, James’ evenings were spent learning new plays, his playbook covered in notes and scribbles, the edges curled and ruffled. He was thankful classes didn’t start for a couple more weeks. After a couple of pre-season games, which they frustratingly lost, he was fully back in the saddle, and his brain had switched obediently to game mode. The pressure was on, extra training was scheduled, more one on one time with coaches. All thoughts of a social life had vanished. He saw his teammates, his coaches and occasionally facetimed his parents. Then September hit and they were into regular games, fighting for the cup, bolting for a spot in the playoffs.

            Sirius was healed enough to start alongside him in the first game in September. The first game of the regular season never felt real until the helmet went on. James stood on the sideline at Varsity Stadium, chinstrap loose, hands on his hips, staring out at the field and taking it in for a third year. The air had bite. The stands were filling. Not packed, but loud. Students. Alumni. Parents pretending they weren’t nervous. Sirius jogged past him, already grinning, already buzzing.

“Tell me you’ve got something stupidly brilliant planned,” Sirius said, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

James smirked. “Run your route. Catch the ball. Try not to showboat before you cross the line.”

“No promises.”

James shook his head and smiled.

The first drive was chaos. York came out aggressive, crowding the line, daring James to make a mistake. The snap came a fraction earlier than he expected, and he bobbled it just enough to spike his heart rate before securing it. He handed off, took a hit and popped back up completely unrattled. Second down. Short pass. Completed. Third down. James rolled right, saw Sirius break free just long enough, and fired. The ball hit Sirius square in the chest. First down.

“Attaboy!” Sirius yelled, pumping a fist as he jogged back.

By the second drive, James settled. He could do this. They had chosen him to this. He was actually good enough to be doing this. The noise of the stadium propelled him. The reads came faster. Muscle memory took over. He stopped thinking about anything beyond the snap count and the feel of the ball in his hands. Late in the first quarter, they lined up on York’s twenty. James scanned the defence, eyes flicking automatically. Sirius was wide left, bouncing slightly, hands twitching. James changed the play at the line. Sirius caught it immediately, nodded once. The snap came clean. James dropped back, felt the pocket hold, just barely, and lofted the ball high toward the corner of the end zone. Sirius went up for it. Touchdown. The crowd roared. Sirius landed, spun, and pointed directly at James before being swallowed by teammates. James jogged in after him, heart pounding, adrenaline ringing.

“Light work,” Sirius said, breathless and smug.

“Get back to the sideline,” James laughed. “You magnificent prick.”

York answered. Two solid drives. A touchdown. A field goal. The game tightened. The stands quietened. Early in the third quarter, James made his first real mistake. He forced a throw he shouldn’t have. The ball tipped, spiralled wrong, and landed in a York defender’s hands. James jogged off the field, jaw clenched, refusing to look at anyone.

Sirius caught up to him on the sideline and shoved his shoulder. “Oi. Shake it off.”

James exhaled sharply. “I know.”

“Good,” Sirius said. “Because I’m open all the time, in case you forgot.”

That did it. James laughed.

The fourth quarter belonged to them. James ran when the pocket collapsed. Slid when he had to. Took hits and got back up. With five minutes left and the score tight, he called a quick slant for Sirius on third and long. The ball snapped. James released almost immediately. Sirius caught it in stride, broke one tackle, then another, and sprinted downfield to the roar of the crowd. James chased after him instinctively, hands raised, shouting something incoherent. They sealed it with a rushing touchdown two plays later. James kept the ball himself, pushed through the line, and crossed the goal line with a grunt and a grin.

Final score. 35–21.

            The Blues won the next game, then lost the next, which Sirius said was all down to defence. James didn’t want to admit that he agreed, offence had played hard, and their defensive linesmen just hadn’t felt like turning up. Practice the following week was brutal. James threw up twice in the restroom, not that he told anyone that. Thankfully, their fourth game they won 27-24, three touchdowns he’d run himself. Coach had been singing his praises for the whole of the next week. And amongst all the chaos, James still found himself falling asleep to memories of jet black hair, pale grey eyes and a condescending smirk that he just couldn’t get enough of. Regulus had never replied to his message, and James had never sent a follow up. It seemed that this was it, they existed within the confines of a summer at the lake, and not a moment later. He told himself he was okay with that, but his subconscious didn’t appear to agree. His dreams were full of him, and James found himself entirely uninterested in sleeping with anyone else. People threw themselves at him, like always, but even Sirius had noticed the lack of interest he showed to them. He shrugged it off, said he was tired, that he wanted to focus on football, that he didn’t need any distractions. Little did Sirius know of the constant distraction in James’ mind and the way in which no one else lived up to that.

Regulus – October

His friends adored Halloween. As soon as October 1^st came around, they did nothing but bounce around ideas for costumes, individual and collaborative, different ideas for parties versus Halloween itself. Regulus allowed himself to be included in their plans but didn’t offer ideas or preferences. Halloween hadn’t been a thing in his house growing up, but neither had Christmas or birthdays really, aside from their opportunity to serve as hard life lessons in disappointment and what one deserves. Which usually amounted to nothing.

They were sprawled on the sofas of Regulus and Dora’s student house, some old school horror movie playing quietly on the TV. Regulus was curled in the armchair with Dorian Gray open in his lap, his go to comfort book when he felt out of control. Dora sat cross legged on the sofa, Cas sat in front of her on the floor, snacking on a bowl of popcorn whilst Dora braided her hair. Half was done, neat rows curling over her skull to the nape of her neck, the other half was carefully sectioned and patiently waiting. Dora paused, stretching cramp out of her left hand. Barty was draped across the other end of the sofa, a notebook in hand, reading off costume ideas for them to shout yes or no to. Regulus shouted no to every single one, naturally. Evan was the only one apparently watching the movie. He lay on the floor, his torso curled over a beanbag, feet skyward and crossed, fluffy socks covered in pigs flexed as he wiggled his toes.

“Scooby Doo?” Barty announced. There was a resounding no. “Fuck sake guys that was a good one!”

“Next!” Dora prompted, starting a new section of Cas’ hair.

Regulus pulled out his phone and opened his messages. He read James’ message again. Like he did every day, sometimes multiple times a day, whenever he felt out of control. He read the words, heard them in his voice, felt his hands, his arms wrapped around him, lifting him, holding him as he fucked him. Jesus, he was screwed. He closed the message, but as always, couldn’t bring himself to delete it, and dared not respond to it. Despite how easy that would be, how much he wanted to talk to him, it was opening a dangerous can of worms. If it got back to Sirius, or worse, if it got back to his parents. He wasn’t sure what they’d do. He’d never be able to go home, that’s for sure. Sirius would call that good luck, and even though Regulus knew how toxic, how negative living in that environment could be, at the end of the day, they were his parents, they were all he’d ever known. If they kicked him out, what would he have? Where would he go? To James? No, James would get bored of him eventually. He wasn’t sure what kept him around in the first place. Easy target? Easy fuck? Regulus was aware of James’ reputation, and that helped to remind him that he was nothing special, he was another one of James’ conquests. Frankly it was embarrassing that Regulus had fallen for him so easily, had allowed him to be his first time. His first kiss, his first everything for fucks sake. He exhaled, mortified at his own behaviour, his lack of restraint. As if someone like James would ever want him in the real world.

“The Addams Family.” Barty declared. “Reg as Wednesday obviously.”

“Big fucking no.” He grumbled at the same time as Dora and Cas gasped in excitement. “No.” he reiterated, ignoring his friend’s whines of protest.

“Greek Gods?” Barty winced hopefully, but the consensus there was also a definitely not. “Tarot cards?”

“Ooh!” Dora’s eyes were big and enthusiastic, but Evan and Regulus vetoed that one too.

“Then I don’t fucking know, you’re all bloody boring.” Barty said dramatically. Throwing his notebook across the room and folding his arms.

            In the end they settled on traditional horror movie stereotypes, a witch, a vampire, a zombie, a ghost and Frankenstein. Regulus was deeply annoyed by the entire thing. As they threw ideas around, he scrolled through his phone, pausing on a video with a familiar face. Varsity Blues win against the Gryphons 42-14. We are lucky enough to speak to the man himself, the Blues own quarterback, James Potter. James, what won you today’s game? Regulus glanced briefly at his friends, but they weren’t paying him any attention. He looked back to his phone, to James, sweaty and flushed, grinning from ear to ear in his Blues uniform. Regulus tilted the phone slightly, angling it away from the others. No one was looking at him. Barty was arguing loudly about whether zombies counted as undead or infected. Dora was already planning makeup.

“Honestly,” James was saying, voice warm and easy, “it was about trust. Everyone showed up. The guys have trained religiously and its just paying off.” Regulus’ thumb hovered near the volume button, then nudged it up a fraction. He hated how familiar the sound of James’ voice still felt. Like it was owed to him, as if he had any right to think that. Sweaty suited him, Regulus thought absently, and immediately scolded himself for it. He tried to remind himself that James looked like every other quarterback on the planet. Broad shoulders, stupid grin, confidence pouring out of him. Except he didn’t. James was sunshine, pure and unbated. Regulus swallowed, skin suddenly incredibly warm.

The reporter asked another question, something about the upcoming fixtures, about pressure. James shrugged, casual even on a screen. “Pressure’s part of it. You either let it get to you or you learn to use it.” God, he sounded so good.  Regulus watched James’ hands move expressively, signet ring flashing briefly under the lights. He remembered those hands far too clearly. I do not miss him, Regulus told himself. Not at all. James laughed again, softer this time, and Regulus felt it. He hated that most of all. That his body remembered even when his brain refused to. The interview wrapped up. The reporter thanked him. James flashed that grin one more time, and turned away. Regulus’ screen went dark. He stared at his reflection. His expression was carefully neutral. Perfectly fine.

“You going as the vampire or what?” Barty demanded suddenly, leaning over.

Regulus locked his phone and slipped it back into his pocket. “Obviously,” he said flatly. “It’s the least effort.”

They laughed. The conversation moved on. Later, when no one was watching, he pulled the video back up and let it play again, just to be sure he felt nothing at all. It didn’t work.

*******

            The trouble with studying a language one spoke fluently in a class aimed at teaching said language to non-native speakers, was that it was nothing short of exceptionally boring. But alas, Regulus couldn’t skip it, he needed the easy credits, and attendance was recorded and it contributed to his grade. So he had to endure the broken French, the poor imitations at the accent, and yes, he should be patient, at least they’re here trying to learn it, but at the same time, come the fuck on its not that hard. He rolled his eyes hard as a blonde American girl tried to pronounce Thursday. Arguably not the most challenging French word, literal children can recall the days of the week. The professor pandered to her pathetic attempt and Regulus folded his arms across his stomach, making a list of food he needed to buy at the supermarket that evening. He and Dora were having Mexican, and he couldn’t decide what he wanted. They’d make it all from scratch obviously, but he was torn between quesadillas and enchiladas, along with nachos of course. His attention drifted, another girl attempted something else in poor imitation of the French language. Sacrilege. Every word. He wished he could be anywhere else but there. Then his phone buzzed and he felt himself immediately redden.

James.

Checking in. Saying hi. No strings attached.

Regulus swallowed a dry mouth and began worrying his bottom lip. He stared at the words, not daring to open the message. What hold did this man have over him? Should he reply? Would that very quickly become a slippery slope into more bad ideas? But then again, would not replying just give James more ammunition to send subsequent messages? Should he just tell him to fuck off and never speak to him again? But Regulus’ stomach dropped at the thought of never hearing from him again.

Instead, he pressed send before he could second guess himself.

I’m blocking you.

James’ reply was instant. He lives!

Regulus mouth twitched and he quickly pressed the smile into a thin line. He didn’t reply. That would be stupid. Once he started, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to stop. He tried to tune back in to the class, to the idiot professor at the front fighting for his life as the non-speakers attempted to pronounce everything, butchering the most beautiful language in the world. He re-read James’ messages and resisted the desperate desire to reply.

*******

“Reg, move up, you take up so much bloody room!” Barty whinged, elbowing him in the side.

“OW! Fuck off!” he yelped. “I can’t move up anymore!”

The five of them were squashed into Pandora’s king size bed, watching a movie complete with popcorn and chocolate. They had deemed the living room too cold and Regulus’ bed too small, even though it was a double, so they piled into Dora’s room, climbed under the covers and passed snacks up and down the line. But now after over half of the movie, Barty had now suddenly decided that he was too squashed between Regulus and Evan. Prick.

“Barty you have more room than everyone else! Ev’s got one leg off the bed! I’m lying like a fucking pencil! What more do you want?”

“Mooove!” Barty whined until Regulus pulled the pillow from behind his friend’s head and smothered him.

“Hush now.” He said patronisingly. “We’re missing the movie.” Barty squealed in protest but Regulus ignored him, Evan was laughing gently. Pandora and Dorcas were asleep, heads resting on one another. Eventually, he released the rabid coyote who came out hissing and spitting in anger from underneath the pillow. Regulus took that as his cue to leave. “I’m done, this is too much physical contact now. I’m going to bed.”

Barty stuck his tongue out at him then kissed him enthusiastically on the cheek, bidding him goodnight.

“Thanks for the space!” Barty sang. Regulus flipped him off and slipped out of Dora’s room and across the hall to his own. He changed in peace, brushed his teeth and climbed into bed, the sheets pleasantly cold after having been pressed up against warm bodies for hours. Pulling the quilt up to his chin, he unlocked his phone and began scrolling through Instagram. Sirius had posted pictures from their most recent game. Regulus swiped through, and paused on one of Sirius in midair, propelled upwards by his grip on James’ shoulders, hollering in victory after a touchdown. He couldn’t help but smile, James was radiant. His smile was contagious.

Regulus’ phone buzzed.

I’ve got a game at McGill in two weeks’ time.

Oh fucking balls.

James was going to be in Montreal.

Regulus took a deep breath and stared at the words.

Another buzz.

I know what we agreed, but do you have time to say hi? No expectations, promise.

Regulus exhaled, conflicted. Heart thudding. One more text came through.

I miss you.

“Shit.” He whispered. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. It had only been two and a half months. Regulus told himself that he wasn’t even thinking about James, wasn’t bothered, didn’t miss him. But all of those things would be lies. Big fat fucking lies. Because Jesus fucking Christ, did he miss him too. His fingers trembled over the keyboard as he weighed up whether to reply, whether to indulge. His resolve failed. He began to type.

More like would you even have time? Aren’t game days like crazy busy?

He pressed send. The reply was almost instantaneous.

Regulus. For you, I have all the time in the world.

And that did it. His head was scrambled. Macerated. Before he could fully process that, another message came through.

I can sneak away before the game. What’s your address?

Stupidly, Regulus gave it to him. Willingly. With little to no hesitation whatsoever. How embarrassing. He locked his phone and shoved it in his beside drawer. Out of sight, out of mind, or whatever. But clearly that didn’t work because he tossed and turned all night, and when he did snatch pockets of fitful sleep, he dreamt of strong arms, brown curls and golden flecked hazel eyes.

            The next day, his brother called.

“Reggie! All good?” Sirius cheered, voice muffled like he was talking through a chip packet.

“Siri I can barely hear you.” Regulus droned, sat in bed with his laptop, finishing an assignment.

“Whatever, I’m in Montreal in two weeks, I’m playing your lot.” Sirius announced and Regulus knew he had to act surprised.

“Oh, cool. I’ll try and grab some tickets, drag my friends with me.” He edited a section of his paper he hated upon reflection.

“Est-ce qu’ils t’ont contacté?” Sirius asked, they being their parents. Have they contacted you?

“Maman, oui. Juste pour fouiller dans mes notes.” Regulus droned. “Rien de Papa.” Mother has, only to snoop on my grades. Nothing from Father.

“Non.” Sirius mused. “Je crois que le salaud est à l’étranger.” No, I believe the bastard is overseas.

“Dieu merci.” Thank god. Regulus said sarcastically. A pause. “I’m alright, Siri.”

“Are you?” Sirius asked, tone clipped.

Regulus hesitated, annoyed.

“What have you eaten today?”

Regulus huffed. “Oh will you kindly fuck off, Sirius.” he almost put the phone down, but maturity was a virtue at the end of the day. “Enough. I’m fine, okay? I’m excited to come and see your game.”

He heard his brother sigh, and noticed the moment he gave in. “I’ll be the one waving furiously at the stands like a freshman at his first game.”

“I’ll look out for the idiot in blue.” Regulus said, deflated. “See you Siri.” And hung up.

*******

Regulus was fretting. This was a terrible, awful, stupid idea. What on earth had he agreed to this? Why had he given James his address?  Why had he thought he could get away with something like this? He paced his room. His Halloween costume lay discarded on his bed after he had tried it on this morning, and concluded that he looked ridiculous. Halloween was four days away and the streets around campus were dripping in decorations. Barty had bought a ridiculous amount of them and adorned the house he shared with Evan and Cas in as much as he could. Regulus picked up the costume and stuffed it in his closet, just as a knock came at the front door. He stepped out of his room and padded down the stairs, meeting Dora in the hallway. Fuck. He thought. He’d hoped she’d be out.

“I’ve got it.” He snapped. She just smirked. It wasn’t until she saw who was stood on the other side of the door that her jaw dropped.

“Hey.” James said, easily, thought his voice wavered, just a fraction.

Regulus took him in and God fucking damn did he look good. Evidently, he’d lived in the gym since leaving the lake. Not that he hadn’t looked good before, but here he was in a skintight body armour long sleeved shirt and gym shorts, looking fucking gorgeous.

“Hi.” Regulus managed, practically hugging the door, clinging to it for dear life. He could feel Dora’s eyes in his back. “Urm. Come in.” he stumbled back, eyes fixed to the floor as James crossed the threshold, smiling at Dora and holding out a hand.

“I’m James.” He said pleasantly.

“I know.” she sang. “I’m Dora.” She said smugly, shaking his hand. “I’ll… I’m gonna leave you guys to it. Reggie I’ll be in the living room… If… Okay.” She scuttled away, pink cheeked.

James chuckled, shoving his hands in his pockets. They were still stood by the front door which was now closed. The silence stretched. “How are you?”

“Fine.” Regulus said soft but curt. “You err. You look good.”  He cleared his throat.

“Football.” James answered quietly, stepping into his space. Regulus took a step back until his back was pressed against the wall, but kept his eyes down. James took his chin in hand and lifted it, but Regulus averted his gaze, his heart was pounding.

This was a fucking dreadful decision.

“Look at me.” James whispered.

He did. James’ eyes bore in to his. Regulus’ knees went weak. “We can’t.” he whispered sadly.

“Why? Because, I can’t stop thinking about you.” James pleaded, noses a hair’s breadth away.

“You have to.” Regulus said sadly.

“Why?”

“You know why.” Regulus reiterated, frustratedly. “We can’t be together.”

“I don’t understand why.” James’ fingers hooked around Regulus’, persuasively.  

“I know you don’t.” Regulus closed his eyes. He could smell him. He could feel him. Lord if he allowed himself to, he could reach forwards and taste him. But he didn’t. He couldn’t. He daren’t. “My parents.”

“Aren’t here, Reggie.” James breathed in, entwining their fingers.

Fuck, needy James undid him nearly as easily as sunkissed and lake soaked James. “What if they find out?”

“How would they?”

Regulus didn’t have an answer for that. Not a rational one anyway. Secret cameras? Private investigators? Who knows? His parents would find away to take away anything that made him happy, they always had and they always would, as long as they lived.

“Please. Can I kiss you?” James asked, a whine lining the edges of his voice, head ducked down to Regulus’, lips brushing.

He considered chucking him out. He considered telling him to never speak to him again. He considered bolting for his room and locking the door. But what he didn’t consider, was the way his body betrayed him, chin tilting upwards to close to gap, lips pressing to James’. Allowing himself to be kissed. Opening his mouth, moaning as James’ tongue pushed into his. Hands found his waist, slipped under his hoodie. The kiss deepened. Regulus sagged against the wall. He looped his arms around the taller man’s neck, pulling him closer, their bodies pressed together, James holding him against the wall. James’ hands were up under his clothes, gripping him, caressing him. Regulus sucked in a breath as they snaked around to his back, running up and down his body. Then he broke the kiss.

“Baby, are you eating?” James murmured, the concern in his voice unconcealable.

The question threw him, and he pulled away, hurt, still breathless from the brief make out session they had just been engrossed in. But, as always, he wasn’t wrong. Regulus hadn’t eaten properly in weeks. Everything tasted like ash. He began to shut down.

“I’m sorry, that was really direct. I didn’t mean…” James sighed and rubbed his hand over his face, then looked at him sincerely. “You’re just… I’m just worried about you, love.”

Regulus swallowed, tightening his hands across his middle. “You’re not my boyfriend, James.”

James stilled, uncomfortably. “I know that.”

Silence.

Regulus looked down, shutting off, but James caught his chin with his thumb and forefinger and lifted it, drawing their eyes together.

“Just. Forget I asked. You don’t need to answer that. But what I do need to know, is what do you need me to be, today?”

He looked at him, his honey hazel eyes, his furrowed brow etched with concern. Pupils blown wide with want. “Here. I need you to be here. I need… I need you.” Regulus whispered, surrendering.

Immediately, there was more kissing, more grabbing, more stifled moans.

Regulus pulled back long enough to say “Upstairs.” Flustered. Shell-shocked. He grabbed James by the hand and dragged him up the narrow staircase. Safely inside his bedroom, he was kissed again. “How long do you have?” he asked between kisses, his bottom lip between James’ teeth.

“A little under an hour at most.” James admitted, already shedding his clothes.

Regulus pulled his hoodie off and shrugged out of his sweats, toeing off his socks before sitting back on the bed, naked and allowing James to crawl on top of him, their bodies connecting, skin on skin. Regulus gasped at the familiar, yet almost forgotten sensation. A feeling he had yearned for every day, a desire he never allowed himself to indulge in. James kissed him deeply, a slow, tantalisingly tender kiss. Tongue slowly exploring, hips rolling in steady waves, one hand gripping the soft flesh of his stomach. Regulus wrapped his legs around the rocking hips above him, his breath hitching as their cocks rubbed together, the heads knocking, both leaking, both desperate.

“Regulus.” James whispered gutturally and kissed him harder, noses smushed together. He then took them both in hand, one finger slipped between their cocks, sliding over the heads. “Fuck.” He whispered.

Regulus gasped and lifted his hips into the contact, then grabbed James’ face and pulled it roughly back to him so he could kiss him again. Within seconds, James’ mouth was on his neck, sucking marks into it. Regulus didn’t stop him, in the moment he didn’t care, and it felt incredible, the sharp sting, the relief as he released the skin. James did it again and again, peppering him with purple ovals, claiming him.

“Lube?” James panted, his hand stilling.

Regulus nodded and rolled over, reaching into the draw beside his bed and passing back the tube. He settled on the pillows and watched, trying to steady his breathing, his dick curving towards his stomach, James’ bouncing as he sat up. He watched him squeeze the substance onto his fingers and snap the cap closed, then he nudged Regulus’ legs apart with the back of his hand and met his gaze.

“Still okay?”

He nodded, propped up on his elbows, eyes locked with James’ as he circled his hole. At the contact Regulus drew in a sharp breath, stomach tensing in anticipation, but his eyes never wavered. James watched him, jaw slack. He leant to one side and kissed Regulus’ inner thigh, then again, a little higher, and pushed one finger inside him.

“Shit.” Regulus groaned, head dropping back, the sensation going straight to his dick, especially when James’ teeth found the sensitive skin at the top of his inner thigh, bit down and sucked a mark into the softest part. “Jamie.” He whined, closing his legs a little, but James’ free hand spread them again, gripping his leg tightly as he added a second finger and continued to pump in and out steadily. “Fuck!” Regulus moaned, lying flat, arms cast over his face. Precome leaked from his dick, getting dangerously closer and closer to release.

“God you look so beautiful.” James whispered, lips on Regulus’ thigh again, trailing up to his crotch, pressing his tongue to the base of his cock and licking his way to the head and sliding onto it. Regulus whimpered, lifting his hips which were quickly pinned down with James’ free hand, his other, now three fingers deep, moving quickly, curling, spreading, teasing. Regulus glanced down and met his eyes again, watching as he swallowed him, Regulus’ knees hooked over his shoulders.

All of a sudden, it became too good and he was getting too close. He put a hand under James’ chin and lifted him off, James’ fingers slipping out of him at the same time. “No, oh my god, stop, I’ll come. Jesus.” He was laughing now, guiding James up to him and kissing him. “Too much. Jesus, too much.”

James grinned proudly. “Got a condom?”

“Do we need one? I haven’t been with anyone else.” Regulus asked. He needed to feel him. No barriers. This might be the last time he ever got to have this. “Have you?” he asked cautiously, fearful of the answer.

But James shook his head. “No, and I got tested when I got back to college. I’m all good.”

“Then no. I don’t have any fucking condoms.” Regulus said, rolling his eyes sassily. “Unless you want one?”

“Hell no.” James said, shaking his head and kissing him hard. Slick with more lube, James slid a hand to Regulus’ thigh and lifted it to his hip so he could line himself up. “Ready?”

“Fuck me,” Regulus begged, squirming. He request was granted. James pressed in slow, Regulus felt himself stretch around James’ cock, the familiar burn settling to pleasure. He let out a stifled cry and bit away a smile. “Keep going.” He whispered. James pushed in until he’d bottomed out and paused, breathing heavily.

“You’re incredible. I’ve missed this so fucking much.” He leant down and kissed him as he drew out and pushed back in, hips rolling a gentle rhythm.

“Me,” Regulus gasped as James thrust deeply. “Me too.” He moaned as the motion was repeated, over and over. He clawed at James’ back, holding on for dear life as the pace picked up.

“Regulus. Fuck.” James’ voice shuddered as he fucked him harder and deeper, Regulus’ moans in time with his thrusts, his muscles twitching in pleasure.

“Please! Please, please, god! Jamie…fuck Jamie!” Regulus was incoherent, his eyes rolled back and he was engulfed in pleasure. James’ lips were back on his neck, his collar bone, his nipples, his hand was on his dick, stroking him, squeezing, edging him over and over. James slid one arm under the small of Regulus’ back, arching it, pulling himself flush against him, improving his angle, fucking him deeper. Regulus saw stars as his prostate was slammed into again and again, uncontrollable sounds coming from his mouth. He never wanted this to end, he never wanted to give this up. James sat up and lifted Regulus’ ankles onto his shoulders and placed a hand behind him, bracing as he changed angle again, moving faster, thrusting deeper.

“I’m gonna come, Reggie, I’m so close. Fucking hell, baby. Come with me,” he stroked him faster, pulling him over the edge, fucking into him relentlessly, needily, coming hard inside him soon after Regulus’ own release. He slowed, thrusting occasionally, kissing him constantly. “Fucking hell.” He whispered as he stilled and looked down at him.

Regulus moaned blissfully, hands in James’ hair. Panting he basked in the afterglow. “I wish we were at the lake.” He whispered longingly.

“Me too, baby.” James whispered back, planting gentle kisses along his jaw. “Are you okay?”

Regulus nodded, smiling contentedly. “I’m so good.”

James pulled out and kissed his forehead. “I’m gonna clean up.” He said, winking at him playfully.

“Okay.” Regulus said, barely audible, watching James waltz into the en suite, listening to him hum as he cleaned up and returning shortly with a warm damp washcloth. Regulus let him clean his chest, wiping away his own come, leaning down to kiss him frequently. Taking the cloth from him, Regulus went into the bathroom to finish up and came back to find James dressing. And reality hit like a sack of rocks. “You’re going?”

“I’m sorry.” James looked genuinely hurt. “I wish I could stay.”

“It’s okay.” He smiled sadly, pulling on a clean pair of boxers. Then he was kissed. Kissed with so much fondness it scared him,

“I’ll see you at the game?”

Regulus nodded, pressing his lips together and watching James gather his things.

“Oh.” He said and pulled his bag off his shoulder. “Almost forgot.” He pulled out the Blues jersey Regulus had worn all summer. “Don’t ever give this back to me again. Understood?”

Regulus blushed and took it, folding it into his arms. “Got it.”

James kissed him once more, and slipped out. Regulus listened to him pad down the stairs, open the front door and close it behind him. Then he pulled the jersey over his head, and started stripping his bedsheets.

            It had barely been five minutes before he heard Dora bolting up the stairs and barrelling into his room.

“Oh my holy fucking what the fuck Reg?!” She squealed. “What the fuck?!”

“I know!” he said, putting the sheets in the laundry hamper and crossing the room to open a window.

“Hold up. Stop. What the fuck are you wearing?” wide eyed, Dora held up a flat palm, jaw dropped. “Is that his fucking jersey?”

“Fuck off.” Regulus hissed, getting new sheets out of the drawer under his bed.

“Regulus.” She hissed. “This isn’t a summer hook up anymore. Babygirl, this is a whole ass husband! You are married. Next thing you’ll have an SUV and a soccer mum wardrobe.”

“Shut up no its not.” He rolled his eyes and pulled the fitted sheet over the mattress, then shook the pillows into their cases. “And no, I absolutely will not.”

“Yes, it is. Regulus-” she cut herself off. “What the hell is that?” and stormed towards him, pulling the neck of the jersey down and gasping dramatically. “Oh my god is he a vampire?!” he pushed her away, laughing and tried to tackle the comforter, fighting to put the new sheet on. “Oh my god, how many are there?!”

“You don’t want to know.” Regulus shook his head, chuckling.

“Is he that good?” she asked incredulously. “I mean it sounded like you thought he was.”

Regulus flushed a deep crimson. God she heard us. “Yes, Dora. He is that good. That is why I have betrayed all my morals and allowed him to once again, get in my pants.”

She snorted with laughter and sat on the freshly made bed. “Fuck, Reg.”

“I know!” he protested. “Trust me, I know. It’s a fucking problem. I can’t help myself, he’s like a fucking class A drug.”

“Shit me.” Dora nodded pensively. “And now we’re going to go and watch him run up and down some grass trying to throw a ball in a hoopy thing.”

“No darling, that’s….” he paused. “I’m not sure that’s even a real sport. He plays football. Football. There’s no hoops.”

She shrugged. “Same thing.” Dora sang airily. Then a mischievous smile crossed her face. “More importantly, what on earth are you going to wear to cover those up?”

********

In the end, Regulus wore his McGill hoodie, hood up, obviously and black skinny jeans. Dora commented that she could still see them, and he declared he didn’t care, but he also didn’t take the hood down. When they got into the stadium, they shuffled along their designated row until they spotted Evan, Cas and Barty sat together, hot dogs in hand. Barty waved furiously when he spotted them.

“Hey!” he yelled through a mouthful.

Regulus sat beside him and eyed his hot dog in disgust. “Have you any idea how processed those are?”

“Oh shut it, live a little Reggie! You’re so bloody uptight!”

“Ha!” Dora squawked. “Yeah, he’s sooo uptight. Never lets loose.” She said rich with sarcasm. Regulus glared at her. It wasn’t that he didn’t want his friends to know about James, it was that he wasn’t in the mood to be teased for four hours whilst said boy ran up and down the field in front of them. Luckily Barty didn’t catch on.

            When Toronto ran onto the field, Dora elbowed him sharply in the ribs.

“Shut up.” He grumbled, eyes fixed on James. He was talking to his team, Regulus watched him put his hand on Sirius’ shoulder, on his other teammates. Regulus didn’t care for his own college team, he wanted to see James win. He wanted to see the joy on his face. The celebratory dances, the roar of his teammates. They set for first down, Toronto started on the offensive.

Regulus leaned forward, elbows braced on his knees, hood shadowing his face and thankfully, the marks on his neck. After four downs, Toronto hadn’t made the ten yards. Possession changed. McGill made ten on the second down, and scored a touchdown on the second. The crowd around Regulus surged to their feet, red and white everywhere, a wall of sound that felt vaguely hostile by proximity alone. McGill students shouted and stomped. Regulus joined in half-heartedly, clapping when others clapped, but made sure his eyes never left the opposite sideline. He didn’t even see McGill’s touchdown, he was too busy watching the guy who’d been in his bed approximately three hours ago. James stood out, helmet tucked under his arm, jaw set, listening to his coach, talking expressively beside him. Regulus could still feel him on his skin from earlier. The press of him against the wall. James’ mouth at his throat, urgent, teeth pulling at his skin. Regulus shifted in his seat and told himself to focus.

“God, he really is fit,” Evan said, squinting down the field. “How is that fair?”

“Genetics,” Dora replied lightly, eyes flicking to Regulus for half a second too long.

He ignored her. Possession was back to Toronto. The first down was clean. A sweeping pass to their running back, confident movement, Toronto inching down the field with irritating efficiency. Regulus found himself counting James’ steps without meaning to, tracking him as he dropped back, released the ball, reset. He really was as good at this as everyone said he was.

McGill’s defence came in harder in the second quarter.

“They’re playing rough today,” Cas muttered, still only halfway through her hot dog.

Regulus didn’t respond. He was watching James scramble, forced out of the pocket, chased down by two defenders. The hit came fast and loud. James went down hard. Regulus gasped. Loudly.

“Oh my god,” he said, already half out of his seat.

Barty glanced at him, smirking. “Relax, mate. Look we all fancy him, okay? I get it.”

James rolled onto his side and was back on his feet before Regulus had even finished inhaling, jogging it off like it was nothing. The crowd roared. Regulus sank back down, face warm, pulse still racing.

Dora nudged his knee with hers. “You good?”

“Fine,” he muttered. “It was a cheap hit.”

She smirked. “Uh-huh.”

The game stayed tight. McGill clawed back a lead. Toronto caught up quickly. The noise never let up, chants rising and falling like waves. Regulus tried not to catalogue the way James’ shoulders tensed before the snap, or how he glanced to the sidelines between plays, scanning. Of course, he watched his brother too, proudly, desperate to cheer when Sirius scored his third touchdown of the game.

At halftime, Regulus stayed seated.

“Bathroom?” Evan asked.

“I’m good.” He waved him away, all he could think about was how that morning could have been the last time James kissed him. Maybe it wasn’t? James hadn’t said so, he’d definitely implied the opposite. But Regulus knew he couldn’t allow this to continue, his anxiety, his paranoia, told him that they couldn’t continue. It wasn’t like his parents would let him go back to Muskoka next year anyway. So naturally, that was it.

“Beer?”

“No.” he said sharply, casting his friend a nasty look.

Barty frowned. “You’re a fucking grouchy bitch this afternoon aren’t you Reggie?”

“Go fuck yourself Barty.”

Toronto took the lead late in the fourth quarter on a risky play that made Regulus’ stomach drop out of his ass. James sold the fake beautifully, sent the defence the wrong way, then threw deep. Sirius caught it just inside the end zone. Touchdown. He tried to keep his face expressionless as the Toronto sideline erupted, as James threw his helmet to the ground and was immediately mobbed by his teammates. Sirius grabbed him in a hug that nearly knocked them both over. James launched himself onto someone’s back, slapping their pads in celebration. The Blues swarmed the field, McGill were already halfway down the tunnel. Dora’s knee pressed against his again, and she smiled at him, raising an eyebrow.

“Something evidently helped get him on his game.” She said with a mischievous grin.

Evan stood, stretching. “Well. That was a waste of tuition money.”

“Speak for yourself,” Cas said. “I enjoyed the violence.”

James was still there, helmet off now, hair plastered to his forehead, laughing as someone clapped him on the back. For one unguarded second, his eyes lifted to the stands. He scanned. Regulus ducked away before he could be seen.

Outside the stadium, the air felt colder. Louder. Normal again.

“Well,” Barty said, clapping his hands together. “Pub?”

“I’m going home,” Regulus said immediately.

Dora raised an eyebrow. “Early night?”

“Something like that.”

She lingered as the others drifted ahead. “You okay?”

Regulus exhaled slowly. “They play rougher than I thought.”

She smiled, soft this time. “Reg. He’s fine.”

“I know,” Regulus said. He paused, then added quietly, “I just don’t like seeing it.”

Dora bumped his shoulder. “Yeah. I gathered.”

“Shut it.” He said, concealing a smile. They walked on, swallowed up by the crowd. Regulus kept his hood up all the way back to campus, heart still caught between what he truly wanted and what he was allowed to want. Consequently, he couldn’t help himself. He opened his phone and started typing.

I suppose I am meant to congratulate you.

He could practically feel the arrogant smile through his phone when James’ reply popped up.

Something like that.

I can’t get the image of you in my number out of my head.

Regulus was home now, and he was sat in bed, in James’ jersey. He read it twice, terrified to reply, terrified to encourage him. Terrified that his resolve would fail and he wouldn’t be able to quit him.

He failed.

Do you leave tonight? Regulus typed.

Yeah, we’re on the bus already. Sorry love.

Regulus swallowed. I missed you. He typed, and deleted it. This morning was fun, but it can’t happen again Jamie. He pressed send.

If that’s what you want. James replied.

“Obviously that’s not what I want.” Regulus sighed, shuffling down under the covers. “But what the hell am I supposed to do?”

It is. He replied, and put his phone down.

Chapter Text

Chapter Nineteen

Sirius: November

“I think Reggie is seeing someone.” Sirius stated as he plonked himself down beside James in the locker room.

“What?” James barked.

Sirius frowned at him, perplexed, the dude looked shocked. “I think he’s seeing someone.” He repeated and kicked off his shoes.

“Oh.” James cleared his throat and looked away. “What makes you say that?”

“I made a joke about him like dating or whatever, you know, when I phoned him yesterday, and he got super fucking cagey with me.” Sirius pulled off his hoodie. “I swear to god, if some douchebag breaks his heart, I’m going to break his fucking kneecaps.” James was quiet beside him, so Sirius elbowed him sharply, just to make sure he heard. “You’ll be coming too. You’re my fucking right hand Prongs.”

“’Course.” James nodded. “Broken kneecaps. Loud and clear.”

The fuck was wrong with him today? They won on Saturday, what did he have to be fucking sour about? “Who shat in your coffee this morning? Oh wait. We can’t have coffee because our coaches hate us.” He said sarcastically, as he put his pads on, then wrestled with his practice jersey, swearing profusely as it got stuck on his shoulder pads. When he had finally roughhoused his way in, James was gone. Bastard didn’t even wait, Sirius huffed irritably and stomped out onto the field, snatching his helmet from the shelf above his bench.

Practice in November had a particular bite characterised by cold air and short tempers. That week, their coaches were riding the high of a win through a very specific week of drills. Sirius knew better by now. A win meant pushing harder than the week before, to be better than the week before, to guarantee another win. They’d beaten Western the week before, kept the streak alive, and Coach had arrived that morning vibrating with optimism. Sirius was pretty sure the man smiled as he lay awake at night thinking of new ways to punish them.

“This is bullshit,” Sirius muttered as they lined up again, hands on his hips, breath fogging in front of his face. “We win and he decides to kill us. We lose and he decides to kill us. I’m sensing a pattern.”

“Shocking revelation,” James said beside him, helmet buckle hanging, annoyingly unbothered. “Careful, Pads, you’ll get benched for critical thinking.”

Fenwick bent over, and put his hands on his knees, wheezing theatrically. “If I die here, tell my mother I died handsome.”

“You’ll die whiny,” Prewett shot back. “Which is arguably worse.”

They ran again. And again. By the time Coach finally blew the whistle for a water break, Sirius was sweating through his practice jersey and contemplating mutiny. He flopped down onto the grass next to James, knocking shoulders with him.

“I swear to god, if he makes us do one more sprint, I’m faking a hammy.”

“You fake everything,” James said. “Including effort.”

“Lies. I give 110 percent. Just not to cardio.”

Fenwick dropped down on Sirius’ other side. “Worth it though,” he said, grinning. “I can taste that fucking victory.”

“Winning also gets you laid,” Prewett added helpfully, tossing his gloves aside.

Sirius perked up immediately. “Now you’re speaking my language.”

James snorted. “You have a boyfriend.”

“Who I get laid with when I win?!” Sirius said, as if it were obvious, palms up, face scrunched into a scowl. Then he lowered his voice and smirked, “Plus, the jersey helps.”

“That doesn’t count, Black. Poor Remus is stuck with your whiny ass.” Prewett said. “I’m just glad he’s taken you out of the pool to give the rest of us a chance.”

“What with bloody golden bollocks over there?” Sirius laughed outrageously, throwing a thumb in James’ direction. “You don’t stand a chance stood next to Prongs in a club!”

“He’s not wrong.” Fenwick said, rather deflated, lying on his back and still panting hard.

“Come off it.” James said, shaking his head. “Anyway, I’m not getting laid anytime soon. I’m focussing on football this year.”

Sirius ignored him with a striking eyeroll. He’d get him laid if it was his last good deed on this earth. The guy hadn’t been with anyone since he snuck out to hook up with that random guy in summer. Or at least, Sirius assumed he hadn’t. He hadn’t mentioned anything to him, which James always did. They always told one another about their hookups.

“Point is,” Sirius said, “we should celebrate tonight.”

James glanced toward the coaches, who were arguing amongst themselves near the sideline. “We’re not supposed to. No alcohol. Or did that just slip your mind Pads?”

“Oh it definitely slipped my mind.” Sirius nodded arrogantly.

Prewett grinned. “That’s what makes it fun, Potter, come on live a little.”

“You dirty rebels. That is against the diet plan,” Fenwick added with a smirk. “No alcohol. No junk food. Early night!” he ordered, mimicking their nutrition coach, gumshield rolling between his teeth.

Sirius looked at all of them, eyes bright. “So, we drink. Secretly. Like criminals. Prohibition and all that fucking jazz. You know?”

James hesitated for half a second, then sighed. “One night.”

“That’s all I ask,” Sirius said solemnly. “A few beers. Maybe more than a few. Absolutely no one cracks. Top secret.”

“No one tells anyone,” Fenwick said, holding out his hand.

Prewett stacked his on top. “If this gets out, I will deny knowing you.”

James added his last. “Deal.”

Sirius grinned, satisfied. “Brilliant. If I’m going to die at practice, I’m at least getting drunk after.”

The whistle blew again.

Sirius groaned and hauled himself back to his feet. “If this is my last sprint,” he said loudly, “avenge me. And delete my browser history.”

The four of them laughed as they lined up, the streak intact, the pact sealed, and the night ahead already feeling like a small rebellion.

James – November

The club was loud.

James lingered on the fringes of the action, nursing his fourth beer, significantly feeling the effects, considering he hadn’t drunk alcohol since the summer. He watched Sirius drape himself off of Remus as they danced with Lily and Mary, who Sirius had managed to persuade to come out as well. Marlene was somewhere, with someone god knows who, and James was leaning against the bar, surveying them all. Prewett was chatting up some girl at a table in the corner of the bar, she was trailing her fingers up his arms and James figured that it would only end one way. Fenwick then appeared beside him like a fucking cat.

“What’s up Potter?” he asked, throwing back another shot. “You’re usually all over people. You’d be on your fourth make out by now. What’s changed?”

“Maturity.” James said dryly. “But be my guest. Take my potential conquests.”

“You just need to get with the right one.” Benjy looked around. “What are you feeling?”

“A quiet night, and my bed to myself.” He said, glaring at him through lidded eyes. Why the hell was he drinking? He’d feel like shit tomorrow and he’d have to work twice as hard to sweat it all out.

“Kill joy. How about her?” Benjy nudged him, head jolting to a brunette in a jumpsuit.

“Fenwick.” James warned. “Leave me be.”

“The blonde guy behind the bar?” his friend tried, wincing.

“Do you want a black eye for game day?” James growled, leaving his beer on the bar and stalking over to Lily and Sirius. “I’m going home.”

“Yes Prongs!” Sirius grinned, winking. Evidently the drunk idiot thought he’d found someone to take home with him.

“James.” Lily clutched his arm. “You okay?”

He just nodded, and retreated. Outside he grabbed a cab. That night it took everything in him not to call Regulus, to beg him to want him back. He barely slept. The next morning, he ran ten miles and only threw up twice.

            They lost that Saturday. 40-12.

Regulus – December

James hadn’t texted him since the day they’d hooked up in October and Regulus hadn’t texted him either. It would appear the idiot had finally got the message. That this couldn’t work. This would never work. At times when Regulus would forget the reasons why, his mother would conveniently remind him, as if by fated warning from some ancient gods. On one particular day, she phoned him at four in the morning. Regulus awoke to the incessant ring of his phone, and blinking against the light from the screen, registered her name and swore under his breath.

“Bonjour Maman,” he said, voice croaky. He sat up, duvet crinkling around him. Switching the beside lamp on, he listened to her rant.

“Regulus, ton frère essaie de me saboter!” Regulus, your brother is trying to sabotage me!

He sighed. “Comment ça, Maman?” How Mama?

It seemed, this was a bad day. They didn’t talk much about the way their mother would switch, the way she was sometimes ruled by paranoia and fantasies. Perhaps that’s why Regulus never bit back, why he was so submissive to her jabs and degradation. Perhaps a part of him felt sorry for her. Sirius didn’t though, he never had. He declared her an adult, fully conscious of every decision, fully conscious of her abuse. Regulus supposed that unfortunately it was much more complex than that.

“Il a déplacé des choses dans ma maison. Il a pris l’éléphant en ivoire du salon!” He has moved things in my house. He has take the ivory elephant from the drawing room! She screeched.

“Maman, qu’est-ce que Sirius ferait avec ton éléphant en ivoire?” Mama, what would Sirius want with your ivory elephant? Regulus stood up and went to the window, the streetlights outside rippled as the snow came softly down. He didn’t feel like traipsing all the way home.

“Qu’est-ce que j’en sais ? Le diable veut sûrement le vendre ! As-tu la moindre idée de combien ça vaut?” What would I know? The devil probably wants to sell it! Do you have ay idea how much that is worth!

“Je suis sûr qu’il est quelque part, Maman. Tu veux que je vienne le chercher?” I’m sure it is somewhere, Mama. Do you want me to come and look for it?

“Il a déplacé ma boîte à bijoux,” He has moved my jewellery box. She stated, ignoring his offer. “Es-tu en haut?” Are you upstairs?

“Maman, je suis à l’université.” Mama I’m at college.

Regulus listened to her rustle around. She put the phone down and continued to search through things. He heard her curse and admonish Sirius. Poor fucking guy wasn’t even in Montreal, and he was the brunt of her anger.

“Regulus!” She yelled, picking up the phone again. “J’en ai assez que tu reviennes de cet endroit de plus en plus gros à chaque session. Tu perds ces centimètres, ou je coupe ton financement.” I am sick of you returning home from that place fatter and fatter each semester. You either drop the inches, or I pull your funding.

He bit down on his tongue hard, fighting back the tears. It was irrational, Regulus knew that, but it still hurt, it still fucked with his head. He balled his fists up and tried to keep his voice even.

“Désolé, Maman. Bien sûr. Je serai là dans une heure. Je vais trouver ton éléphant.” Sorry, Mama. Of course. I’ll be home in an hour. I’ll find your elephant.

“Dépêche-toi.” Hurry up. She said sharply, and hung up.

Regulus exhaled a shaky breath and pocketed his phone with trembling hands. Then he went about looking for his coat, gloves, anything that would fend off this ghastly weather. This was one of the times he went home that he would never confess to Sirius. It would only make him worry. Sirius didn’t like him in the house alone with their mother when she was like this. Their father was in Norway this week. So, he would be no help, not that he had ever been any help. Often, he’d laugh at her, goad her delusions. Regulus was convinced he had made her the way that she was. And in turn, she’d carved her sons out in the way that they were.

            By the time he got to the house and had shaken off the worst of the snow from his clothes, he could already tell the place was in shambles. It seemed she had turned it over, looking for this fucking elephant. Bloody thing was illegal anyway, and hideous. Regulus couldn’t fathom why she even liked it. When he found her, she was rummaging through drawers in Sirius’ bedroom. After she screeched at him for ten minutes, he finally persuaded her to attend him as he tried to find the elephant. Regulus moved through the house like a ghost with a broom, picking up the pieces as he went. Cushions lobbed into corridors. Drawers yanked open and left gaping. A lamp lay in shatters. That one was a shame, it was a gift from the Prince of Denmark. His mother followed him from room to room, undoing everything he fixed. He righted a chair in the sitting room. She immediately upturned it. He stacked papers neatly on the side table. She swept them off with her forearm. It was one of those days.

“Tu fais exprès d’être lent ?” Are you deliberately being slow? She snapped from behind him.

“Non, Maman. J’essaie juste de remettre un peu d’ordre.” No, Mama. I’m just trying to put things back in order.

She let out a cruel, humourless laugh. “De l’ordre ? Regarde-toi. Tu n’as jamais su garder quoi que ce soit en ordre. Ni ton corps, ni ta chambre, ni ta vie.” Order? Look at you. You’ve never known how to keep anything in order. Not your body, not your bedroom, and clearly not even your life.

Regulus bent to pick up a smashed picture frame she’d knocked over. It was an old family photograph. He turned it face down before she could see it. “Je cherche l’éléphant. Il doit être quelque part ici.” I’m looking for the elephant. It has to be somewhere.

“Évidemment qu’il est ici. Cette maison n’avale pas les objets toute seule.” Of course it’s here. This house doesn’t swallow objects on its own. She narrowed her eyes at him.

Regulus didn’t respond to that, didn’t dare rise to the bait. Not long ago she was adamant that Sirius had taken it to sell it. Now apparently, she was sure it was still in the house. The woman was mental. Regulus knew she couldn’t help it, knew he had to be patient, but at times like these it was really fucking hard to be kind. He moved into the drawing room, opening cabinets methodically. She stormed in behind him and yanked open the same doors he’d just checked, pulling things out, demanding to know what he’d moved.

“Tu fouilles mal. Sirius a toujours été incapable de faire quoi que ce soit correctement.”  You’re searching wrong. Sirius has always been incapable of doing anything properly.

Regulus’ jaw tightened in frustration. How does one explain rational thought to someone who is not thinking rationally. She wasn’t even make sense anymore. Soon, she’d crash, he hope dit would be sooner rather than later. “Sirius n’est même pas à Montréal, Maman.” Sirius isn’t even in Montreal, Mama.

“Ne le défends pas.” She hissed. “Il t’a toujours entraîné vers le bas. Et regarde-toi maintenant. Tu reviens de cette université plus mou, plus large, plus inutile.” Don’t defend him. He’s always dragged you down. And look at you now. You come back from that university softer, wider, and every day, increasingly useless.

Regulus moved past her into the hallway, crouching to peer under the sideboard. Dust clung to his trousers. He didn’t bother brushing it off. “Je suis en pleine session, Maman. Le stress-” I’m in the middle of a semester, Mum. The stress-

“Des excuses.” She kicked the sideboard with her foot. “À ton âge, je faisais preuve de discipline. Pas toi. Tu te laisses aller. Comme ton frère.” Excuses. At your age, I had discipline. Not you. You let yourself go. Like your brother.

He stood, throat tight, and carried on down the corridor. In the dining room, a chair had been dragged away from the table, its legs screeching against the floor as she shoved it aside again, searching beneath it even though he’d just looked. “S’il a volé cet éléphant, je le ferai payer.” If he stole that elephant, I’ll make him pay.

“Il ne l’a pas volé.” He didn’t steal it. Regulus said quietly.

She turned on him then, eyes cold. “Comment peux-tu en être si sûr ?” How can you be so sure?

He hesitated for too long. Her smile was suddenly accusatory. “Ah. Voilà. Tu sais quelque chose.” Ah. There it is. You know something.

“Non, Maman. Je veux juste aider.” No, Mama. I just want to help.

He moved into the study, opening the lower cupboards of the old cabinet near the fireplace. The sooner he found the damn thing, the sooner he could leave. He coughed, dust coating the back of his throat. The room smelled faintly of polish. He reached into the back of the cabinet and his fingers brushed something solid, cool. Ivory. He pulled it free. The elephant stared back at him, ugly and unmistakable.

“Il est ici, Maman.” It’s here, Mama.

She swept into the room instantly, relief flashing across her face for a brief, fragile second. Then it hardened. “Ici ?” she repeated. “Pourquoi serait-il ici ?” Here? Why would it be here?

Regulus held it out to her. “Il était dans le cabinet. Probablement déplacé par accident.” It was in the cabinet. Probably moved by accident.

She didn’t take it. Instead, she folded her arms. “Ou caché.” Or hidden.

His stomach dropped. “Pardon?”

“Ne me prends pas pour une idiote.” She stepped closer. “Tu l’as caché, n’est-ce pas ? Pour protéger ton frère.” Don’t take me for an idiot. You hid it, didn’t you? To protect your brother.

“Non, Maman. Je viens juste d’arriver.” No, Mama. I just arrived.

She snatched the elephant from his hands, gripping it tightly. “Tu mens mal, Regulus. Toujours trop nerveux. Trop coupable.” You lie badly, Regulus. Always too nervous. Too guilty.

His hands curled into fists at his sides. “Je fais tout ce que vous me demandez.” I do everything you ask.

She sniffed, already turning away, elephant secured against her chest. “C’est bien le minimum.” That’s the bare minimum.

Regulus stood alone in the wrecked study, the house still a mess around him, chest tight and burning. He stared at the empty space where the elephant had been and wondered, not for the first time, how something so ugly could be worth so much pain. But still, dutifully, he then went from room to room, tidying the chaos she had created, thankful that she had retreated to her bedroom to wallow with her stupid fucking ivory elephant that before today, she had never paid a single shred of attention to.

It was hours before he got back to campus.

********

Regulus woke on his birthday to a quiet chill. Snow perched on his windowsill, singing celebratory odes through the glass. He rolled over and picked up his phone. He had a message from James.

Happy birthday short ass. Wish I was there to celebrate with you.

Regulus smiled and replied.

Short ass?! Count your days Potter.

James’ reply was instant. Its 170 days until I get you to myself all summer.

Regulus almost died. His face flushed and he locked his phone quickly. James was counting down the fucking days till they saw one another again. What was he even supposed to reply to that? Instead he scrolled through Instagram, trying to ignore the way his dick perked up at the thought of eight more weeks in James’ bed.

Another text from Sirius. He replied to that one next. Messages also came through on the group chat he shared with his friends. A collection of Happy Birthdays and you’re fucking old. And twenty is when your life starts going downhill, filled the chat, along with terrible gifs and a video of Barty singing badly. He replied, thanking them, reminding them not to bring anything ridiculously to movie night later, because without parameters, Barty could bring literally anything. The guy was unhinged. Then he opened Instagram again, scrolling through aimlessly, liking his friend’s posts, Barty’s endless array of mirror selfies, his pants far too low on his hips, Evan suspiciously liking every single one.

Then he realised that someone was phoning him. A name flashed up on his screen and his stomach began doing somersaults.

James.

He deliberated for a moment. But didn’t allow himself to bail, so he answered.

“Hello?”

“Happy birthday, love.” James said, his voice thick with early morning roughness, the way it was at the lake when Regulus would wake up beside him.

At first, he didn’t say anything. James’ voice had gone straight to his crotch. Then he managed a short, “Thanks.”

“I got you a present, it should be arriving today.” James said, and audibly stretched.

“You didn’t have to get me anything.” He said defensively, this was becoming entirely too domestic, even though a small part of him exploded with butterflies at the thought of James buying him things. Honestly, it frightened him just as much as it excited him. This was bad. This was so very very very bad.

“I wanted to.”

Jesus that made it worse.

Silence hung thick between them. Regulus was freaking out.

“I thought we weren’t doing this.” He said after a while, voice small, pulling at a thread in his bedsheets. “I told you-”

“Baby, you picked up the phone.” James purred and Regulus felt it in the way his neck prickled hungrily for those lips, for James’ breath in his ear, for his hands, for the weight of his body.

Don’t call me that. He thought insincerely, but didn’t dare say it, for fear James would stop. Instead, his voice narrowed cruelly. “I could hang up.” He pushed.

“You could.” James said, he could hear the arrogant smile. “But you haven’t, and you won’t.” another pause. “What are you doing today, to celebrate?”

Regulus lay back down, pulling the covers up to his chin and answered only somewhat reluctantly. Weirdly, talking to James like this felt less real, less like he was risking everything. As if consequences couldn’t follow phone conversations. “My friends are coming over later. We’re going to order takeout and watch a movie.”

“I wish I were there.”

Regulus frowned, but a glint of a smirk traced his lips. “What, with my friends?”

“Sure, but no. I’d prefer to be alone with you.”

Regulus heard him shift. He was in bed too. Why did that feel easier? An ode to how they started?

He decided to be bold, it was his birthday after all. “And what would we do, aside from watch a movie?”

James chuckled and inhaled. “Well for starters we’re not really watching that movie.”

Regulus blushed and closed his eyes as if he could hide from himself, hide from the way he gave in, so easily, so pathetically. This man could kill someone, and Regulus would still probably melt at the sound of his voice. “Why not?”

“Because I’d be too busy kissing you.” James whispered. “Your lips. Your neck. The little divots in your hips.”

“Fuck.” Regulus laughed softly. His dick was really awake now. How embarrassing.

“I’m so hard right now.” James admitted. 

Regulus breathed deeply. This was a bad idea. This was such a bad fucking idea. He should hang up. He should tell him to stop, that this would only end in tears. That they couldn’t have this. But instead, he said, “Me too.”

“Are you touching yourself?” James asked, unsteadily.

Regulus’ hand slipped under the covers and into his boxers. What the hell was he doing? He wasn’t like this. He didn’t do shit like this? What had come over him? He nodded, then flushed red when he realised that James couldn’t see him. “Yeah.” He said with uncertainty. This was dangerously new territory. Physical distance was supposed to be the barrier he needed to get over James, but apparently sharing a postcode wasn’t at all necessary.

“God baby, I wish you were in my bed.”

Regulus continued to touch himself, relishing James’ voice in his ear. He bit down on his bottom lip and let the smallest whimper escape him.

“Fucking hell, you drive me insane.” James said, voice shuddering. “Are you close?”

“Hmm.” Regulus found himself unable to form words, he worked his hand over his dick, eyes closed, imagining James was there, on top of him, kissing him, whispering in his ear, pinning him down.

“Pretend your hand is mine.” James whispered. “Bringing you to the edge, coaxing you over it. God I wish my mouth was on you.”

Regulus let out a brief moan and clenched his jaw shut, not trusting what he might say in his current state. I want you. I need you. Every single fucking minute of the day, I need you. “Fuck, James.” He said hoarsely, feeling himself swell, the pressure building suddenly.

“Fuck, Reggie, I’m gonna come. Fuck,” James moaned deeply, and that was it for Regulus, he came in a hand he wished were someone else’s, someone tall, with delectable tanned skin and dangerously addictive honey hazel eyes.

“Oh my god,” he smiled, panting, beaming into the phone, eyes closed as he floated.

“Happy birthday, love.”

“Shut up.” He laughed, eyes squeezed shut, unable to stop digging his own grave.

            Around noon a large bouquet of flowers arrived, accompanied by a note.

Happy birthday, sweetheart. I owe you a birthday blow job.

Regulus reddened and hid the note, just as Pandora skipped over excitedly. He refused to show her, even when she attempted to wrestle it off him. Escaping upstairs with the bouquet, now in a vase, he texted James.

Better be a good one. He typed bravely.

James’ reply had him hard again in seconds. So good your name will be bruised into the back of my throat.

What was one even to reply to something like that?! His hands flew to his face, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes and exhaling slowly, considering. Then he replied shyly.

Fucking hell.

********

His parents’ Christmas party was always a colossal affair. This year, his mother had chosen the Mount Stephen Hall to hold the events of the evening, hired out exclusively of course. Most of November and December had been filled with her fussing and fretting over the entire thing, not because she had to plan it herself. No Walburga Black would never stoop so low, no because she had the arduous task of picking an event planner and providing her vision to them, so they could go away and do all the hard work, but it seemed like that in itself was a considerable feat for a woman so busy, doing little to nothing. The life of a socialite. Regulus endured the late night phone calls, the rants, the demands and was thankful he no longer lived at home, and even more grateful that his mother did not have his address and believed him to still be living in dorms on campus. Long may that ideology persist.

            On the day of the party, Regulus stood just inside the main entrance, coat folded over his arm, watching staff move with careful efficiency beneath carved ceilings. Gold leaf caught the light everywhere. Chandeliers glowed as shadows passed below them. The place had a gravity to it, that was undeniable. Regulus stepped out of the way of a woman carrying a tray of champagne flutes and followed the sound of his mother’s shrieks. The trail sent him to the main dining hall, laid out with tables, decorated beautifully with wreaths and holly, red velvet bows tied to all the chairs. He spotted her, snatching something off a frightened looking hotel staff member. Regulus hurried over, ready to put out the fires.

“Non, non, non!” Walburga snapped, heels clicking sharply against marble as she waved the bauble she had snatched in his face. “That tree is crooked. Do you even have eyes?”

The poor man adjusting the enormous fir froze. “Madame, I,”

“Fix it,” she cut in. “Or remove it entirely. I will not have things looking careless.”

Regulus, mortified, stepped forward. “I can help with that,” he said quietly, already reaching for the tree.

Walburga turned on him instantly. “Non, Regulus. Vous pouvez commencer par transporter les chaises du salon ouest. Elles ne sont pas alignées correctement!” No, Regulus. You can start by carrying those chairs from the west salon. They are not aligned properly. Her eyes flicked over him, sharp and assessing. “Et tenez-vous droit. Vous avez l’air négligé.” And straighten your posture. You look slovenly.

“Oui, Maman.”

He moved quickly, so as not to incur the wrath of his mother any further. The hall opened into a series of adjoining rooms, each one dressed within an inch of its life. Red and gold everywhere. Evergreen garlands wound along bannisters like something strangling the railings. Tall windows looked out over the city, though heavy drapes waited to be drawn, obediently. Regulus admired the restraint masquerading as elegance. Mount Stephen was imposingly impressive. By the time he’d done what she had asked, she had found him again. Where was Sirius? He promised he’d be here for this.

“Those tables are too close,” Walburga barked from the doorway. “Do you expect people to brush against one another like animals?” A woman in black nodded rapidly and gestured for the tables to be shifted again.

Regulus adjusted a place setting, fingers carefully running down each linen napkin. Everything had to look untouched, as if it had always existed like this, expensive and effortless. He knew the logic behind every decision. The venue. The guest list. The charity name that would appear on the invitations in tasteful script. It wasn’t about Christmas. It wasn’t about giving. It was about being seen giving. It was about reminding Montreal, or anyone who mattered, that Walburga Black still held court.

“Regulus,” she said sharply. “Apportez-moi le plan de table.” Fetch me the seating chart.

He handed it over. She scanned it, lips thinning. “Pourquoi la femme Skeeter est-elle placée si près de l’orchestre ? Elle parle beaucoup trop fort.” Why is the Skeeter woman placed so close to the orchestra? She talks far too loudly.

Regulus tried his best to keep his voice level and unthreatening. “Maman, Vous l’avez approuvé hier.” Mama, you approved it yesterday.

Her eyes snapped up, narrowing. “Est-ce que vous me corrigez ?” Are you correcting me?

“No.” Regulus paled, shaking his head. “No.”

“Bien.” Good. She handed it back without looking. “Corrigez-ça.” Fix it.

“Oui Maman.”

She waved him away. “Et faites quelque chose avec votre visage. Vous avez l’air fatigué. Personne n’a envie de voir ça ce soir.” And do something about your face. You look tired. No one wants to see that tonight.

Leaving the room, he passed staff members who just looked at him sympathetically, as if he were something to be pitied, saddled with such a monster for a mother. In truth, he was simply used to it, less got to him nowadays, though occasionally a few daggers would slip through his careful crafted walls. On his way to find somewhere quiet to alter the seating chart, he paused near the central staircase, just long enough to look up. The carved woodwork curled like frozen smoke. The hall felt old enough to justify cruelty, his mother’s cruelty. Old enough to excuse excess. Regulus despised all of it.

“Reggie.” A familiar voice. Regulus felt himself relax.

“Where the fuck have you been!” he snapped at his brother. “She’s already yelled at me twice in front of people. She’s threatened to hit one member of staff and fire two others, and that’s just what I’ve seen with my own eyes!”

“For fuck’s sake.” Sirius sighed and thought for a moment. “You carry on with whatever she’s ordered, and I’ll go and placate the dragon.”

“Just be careful what you say, Siri. She’s not in the mood to be provoked.”

“The perhaps she shouldn’t act like a child.” Sirius sauntered off, back the way Regulus had just come. He was glad he wouldn’t be there for that particular exchange. God help the staff who had the displeasure of witnessing it.  Regulus moved off again, heart still pattering anxiously. He knew why she did this every year. It was a performance, it was her own way of controlling her narrative and the narrative society and the media would portray. She wished to be the epitome of elegance and aristocracy. She thrived on the way people bent themselves around her, the way they bowed fearfully. Regulus one of them, he’d learnt quickly what disobedience got him. Sirius didn’t care, but he definitely did.

********

The Hall was brimming with Montreal’s elites, Toronto’s elites, even families from New York and Boston attended the spectacular affair. Regulus stood with Pandora at the bar, and fuck was he grateful she was here. He’d persuaded his parents to add her to the guest list as his date, and they seemed happy enough with that idea, and Pandora had been more than happy to play along for now. They surveyed the gaggle of socialites in stupidly sparkly, expensive dresses and tuxedos and whispered in one another ears, sniggering like school children. the dress code, of course, was white tie. His mother wouldn’t have had anything other. So, Regulus was also in a black velvet tux buttoned over a white waistcoat, complete with a white bow tie. He felt ridiculous. He knew, he looked ridiculous. Dora on the other hand looked exquisite. She wore an emerald green floor length satin sequined dress that hugged her figure perfectly, and black elbow length gloves. Yet again, Sirius was nowhere to be seen. Regulus scanned the ballroom methodically, and froze.

“You’ve got to be fucking shitting me.”

“What?” Dora asked, looking about frantically, trying to track his eyes.

Regulus was staring at Lily Evans and Remus Lupin, arm in arm, crossing the ballroom towards him. Regulus felt himself reddening, because let’s face it, if they were here, so was He.

“Who is waving at you?” Dora hissed subtly as they approached.

“James’ best friend and Sirius’ secret boyfriend.” Regulus said under his breath, he heard Dora gasp beside him, just as Lily and Remus reached them.

The redhead threw her arms around him. “It’s so good to see you!” she squealed. Lily was draped in an elegant sage chiffon, with white opera gloves, and Remus like himself, was in a tux. Though Regulus could tell his was clearly rented. He looked uncomfortable. Why would Sirius do this to him? Why risk causing a scene? Flaunting his disobedience in front of their parents and all their friends, and how unfair to Remus. Regulus hugged him politely, introduced them both to Dora and then kept scanning the door to the entrance hall.

Lily looped her arm through his and lowered her voice. “He’s here. He’s with Sirius.” for all Lily knew, or he assumed she knew, was that the last time they had seen each other was Muskoka. Little did she know they’d had phone sex less than two weeks ago and a month and a half before that James had railed him on his college bed.

“Fuck sake.” He cursed, heart already pounding. This was too much. There was too much at risk. He couldn’t have James and his parents in the same city let alone the same room. He felt suddenly hot. “Excuse me.” He muttered and pushed away from them, making for the nearest bathroom. He was sure he heard his name being called from somewhere behind him, but he didn’t stop. He burst through the doors to an extremely over the top marble bathroom and locked it behind him. Shaking his hands hand, repeatedly, he paced, trying to steady his breathing. Why would Sirius invite them? Why the fuck would he bring his boyfriend into the fucking lion’s den? To prove a point? As an act of fucking rebellion? And thus, in turn endangering Regulus too? Thought he told himself he couldn’t be mad about that, Sirius had no idea his best friend was fucking his little brother at any given opportunity. He braced himself on the sink. His throat felt tight, his chest too. Squeezing his eyes tightly shut he counted aloud, then tried to breathe, counting in his head. In. Out, and repeated the process.

            Some time had passed and Regulus was sat on the immaculately clean floor, with his back to the full length mirror. He’d lost time, he wasn’t sure how much. Unlocking his phone, he saw the string of unread messages from Sirius and Dora, and one from James.

Love, where are you?

Regulus ignored that one, and texted Dora back.

Meet me outside.

            He rose, unsteadily and crossed the tiled floor. Unlocked the door. Slipped out. Walked purposefully towards the entrance hall and past the doormen, hurrying down the steps into the freezing night air. Within minutes, Dora was at his side, a long woollen black coat slung around her shoulders.

“Reggie fuck, where have you been it’s been like an hour?” she sounded worried. Of course she was worried.

“Have you seen him?” Regulus asked, shivering already.

Dora nodded, “He joined us with your brother shortly after you disappeared.”

“Some one up there has fucking got it in for me Pandora I swear.” Regulus grumbled, tucking his hands under his armpits.

“No one will find out. Alright? I promise.” She held him by the shoulders. “I know this is horrific for you. I know what all of this represents, but I’m right next to you. Okay? Bitch we are fucking in this together.”

That made him laugh, genuinely. “There is one silver lining.”

“What’s that?”

“Thank fuck we don’t have Barty here to babysit.” Regulus smirked and Dora laughed loudly, feigning fainting.

“Come on. I’m hungry and people are beginning to sit down.”

            They made their way back inside and headed straight for the dining hall, and that’s when Regulus spotted him. In a perfectly tailored tuxedo, white piqué bib, bowtie, cufflinks, signet ring. Jesus Regulus’ knees nearly gave out.

“Shut your mouth.” Dora whispered with a smirk and Regulus scowled at her, after shutting his mouth. “Valid reaction though. He’s fucking gorgeous.”

Regulus allowed her to drag him to their table. How had he not spotted them when he revised the seating chart? Then it came to him. The chart had read his name, Dora’s, Sirius’ then there had been three placecards that had simply read charity. Wow. Their mother really could throw a low blow when she needed to. By now they had reached the table, and James was staring at him. He was staring at James, a whiskey in his right hand. Sirius had his back to them.

“You look phenomenal,” James whispered as he hugged him politely.

“So do you.” Regulus whispered back, casting his eyes down to hide his blush. He had to get a grip. His parents were here. His parents were literally right over there. He took his seat between Dora and Sirius, the latter of whom berated him for vanishing.

            Soon after, they were hushed, speeches were delivered. His father of course, then some board of charity shit or something, Regulus had no idea, he couldn’t help but stare at James across the table, the line of his jaw, his skin, his curls. Then his mother stood and gave a toast. He barely listened. He could hear his heart in his ears. Then the food came. Regulus didn’t eat a thing. And he steadfastly avoided James’ eye.

            Dinner ended and the party began. A charity auction, dances, more toasts. People drank and drank, the building got louder and rowdier. Shots on trays appeared sporadically. People laughed hysterically. Regulus watched his brother have to pretend that Remus wasn’t his boyfriend of two years, which considering how physical Sirius was, was torturous to watch let alone have to carry out. Regulus lingered on the fringes with Pandora, until she was whisked away by Lily to come with her to the bathroom. Then he was alone. He sipped at his drink. His foot beat anxiously on the floor. Then a familiar presence appeared at his side.

“Enjoying your night?” James asked, clearly drunk. Regulus looked at him reservedly. His bowtie was wonky, his eyes glassy with alcohol.

“Are you drunk?” he asked accusatorily.

“Pfft!” James laughed. “No.”

Turning to look at him, Regulus raised an eyebrow. “How many glasses of whiskey have you had?”

James lifted his shoulders. “Six? Nine? Baby I couldn’t tell you.”

“Shut up.” He hissed, grabbing James’ lapel. “You can’t call me that. Not here.”

James made a pitiful noise of frustration and rolled his eyes. “Sirius is way more drunk than me. Remus took him back to the hotel.”

Regulus sighed in relief. At least that was his brother taken care of. Remus had successfully handled that potential scene. He had no idea where Dora and Lily had gone and James was still staring at him like a fucking puppy. “What?” he snapped.

James dropped his voice and turned, leaning on the bar so that he faced the opposite way to Regulus and angled his face towards his ear. “I want to taste you.”

“Shut up.” Regulus stood up and took a step to the side, sipping from his drink as a group of giggling women passed them. He wasn’t sober by any means, but he wasn’t as drunk as James. “Come with me.” He said harshly, grabbing his arm. “And keep your fucking mouth shut.”

The idiot followed, grinning, necking the last of his whiskey and leaving the glass on a table. Regulus dragged them through the maze of elaborate corridors to a quieter part of the house, and found another bathroom which upon entering, looking more like a private powder room with an en suite attached. Regulus yanked him inside and locked the door.

            Then James was on him, kissing him messily but Regulus shoved him away hard, eyes wide and fearful, convinced his mother would burst through the doors or perhaps she’d have set up secret cameras to track him, or god fucking knows what. But his parents were too close for this sort of pratting around.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he shoved James back again.

“Kissing you.” James whinged desperately, staggering.

“Well fucking don’t, James. My parents are here!” Regulus snapped, wiping his mouth.

James considered this, then shoved his hands in the pockets of his dress pants and grinned, slinking towards him, looking about the room comically. “Sweetheart, I don’t see them,” and cocked his head to one side endearingly.

Regulus slapped him. Hard.

James staggered backwards, shocked.

“I told you. Not here.” He hissed.

“Ow!” James whined, rubbing his face.

Regulus ignored his protest and raised his voice. “I thought you understood that! I’m not one of your fucking side pieces James!”

The taller man backed up until his back hit the wall and then he slid down it, pitifully. Drunk as a fucking skunk. “Do you hate me?” he asked through a haze of alcohol.

“You need to sober the fuck up.” Regulus snapped as he watched the mop of curls lull with inebriation. He paced the small room, chest constricting, panic rising once again.

“Kiss me, Reggie. Kiss me because it’s all I’ve thought about. You. All the time. I missed a damn touch down the other day because I was thinking about kissing you.” James pleaded, head tipped back against the wall, eyes closed. “Please.”

“You’re insane.” Regulus breathed, pale. He opened the cupboard below the sink to find glasses. He filled one with water and handed it to James. “Drink.”

The six foot three pile of muscle did as he was told. Regulus backed up and leant against the door, watching him down the glass, then place it on the tiles and take a deep breath. Regulus re-filled it and handed it back to him. He downed that one too. They sat in silence for a while. Then eventually, perhaps a half hour later, James broke the silence.

“’m’sorry.”

“S’okay.” Regulus said softly.

James shook his head. “No, it’s not. That was so fucking out of line.” He slurred, sobered, but not rational. “How dare I try and kiss you like that? I’m so sorry, Reg. Fuck. I don’t know what’s going on with me recently. I just can’t…” he trailed off.

“James, its fine.” Regulus said curtly.

“You can slap me again if you like.” James offered, looking at him across the bathroom.

Regulus shook his head. “I think once was enough.”

Then after a terribly long bout of silence, Regulus stood, crossed the room and settled in James’ lap, straddling him. They looked at one another. Regulus’ breathing felt uneasy. His heart was pounding, because he did desperately want to kiss him, of course he did. James’ hands remained at his side, waiting for Regulus to make the move, to call the shots, to give him permission to touch him. James had shown himself up, they both knew that. Regulus could see the guilt in his eyes, in his face. James wasn’t like that. He knew that, which made it all so much worse. That he’d brought out this ugly thing in both of them. Fuck. He thought. This whole thing was so fucking messed up. Regulus leant closer, but not quite close enough, despite how James craned his neck to encourage him to close to the gap, Regulus remained just out of reach.

“No one can see us.” James whispered desperately.

Regulus considered, eyes searching James’, looking for anything that told him that James didn’t really want him, that this was some farce. Because who could be this desperately obsessed with him? He was worthless. He’d always been worthless. He’d been told that all his life. Until now. Until James. He wished vehemently that he could deny him, but the man below him looked up at him so earnestly, so affectionately, that Regulus found himself without the strength to refuse him.

“Kiss me.” James begged.

“Honestly. Fuck you.” Regulus whispered back and kissed him. James’ hands flying to his waist as permission was given, kissing him back.

“Can I suck you off? Call in that birthday present?” James asked between kisses, voice still slightly slick with alcohol. When Regulus nodded, James pushed him back until Regulus stood and leant against the sinks. He watched the older man crawl to him, mouthing the fabric of his slacks, sliding his hands up to undo them and pull down his boxers. Regulus was already hard. His face flushed. James chuckled, wrapping a hand around him and sucking on the head, tongue flicking over the slit.

“Shitting hell.” Regulus moaned, letting his head drop back between his shoulders. He parted his legs a little more as James sunk onto him, tongue flat against the underside of his dick, drawing off and circling the head. “James! Fuck!” He moaned, grabbing fistfuls of curls as he bobbed on and off, hollowing his cheeks, taking him all the way in. He guided James’ head, moaning as he swallowed him, he could feel his throat around him, his tongue teasing the underside. “Shit. Fuck, Jamie. Fuck.” He whimpered, leaning back over the sinks, unable to hold himself up. It wasn’t long before Regulus was coming down James’ throat, James’ hands on his ass, swallowing every drop, holding Regulus steady through the aftershocks. When he pulled off with a pop he looked up smugly.

“God you’re fucking incredible.” James whispered.

Regulus laughed and playfully ducked James’ head down before sinking to the floor beside him. “Your turn?”

James smirked, he looked guilty. “Baby I came in my fucking pants from just watching you.”

Regulus’ eyes widened and a grin snuck across his face. “What?”

“Don’t make me say it again!” James laughed, blushing.

Regulus wrestled himself into James’ lap, grabbing his wrists, giggling as he tried to meet his eye. “You came untouched, just from sucking my dick?” he asked, because this was vital information to clarify.

James looked at him, eyes twinkling, and ran a tongue over his teeth sheepishly. “Yes. Yes. Alright?” then he laughed and dropped his head against Regulus’ chest. “This is what you do to me, love. The very sight of you, the taste of you and I’m coming in my fucking pants!”

God, I love you. Regulus thought absentmindedly, like it was the most natural thing in the world. The rawness of  such an alien confession startled him.

Where the fuck had that come from?

I love you.

Nope. Nope. That was not happening. He couldn't afford to lose himself in this. James didn't deserve this. 

Falling in love had never been part of the deal. 

This was not happening.

He… fuck...

Evidently his face was a picture, because James was frowning, concern softening his features as he brushed a knuckle across Regulus' cheek, but the dark haired man flinched.

“What?” James paled.

Regulus panicked, not outwardly, but enough for him to sit back on James’ thighs and freeze up. He spoke quietly, looking down at his hands. “We can’t do this, Jamie. You need to forget about me. About everything we were in Muskoka.”

James shook his head vigorously. “No.”

“You have to.”

“I refuse. Regulus. I... I need you.” James pleaded, clearly still quite drunk.

“Well stop. You have to stop.” He paused, breathing still uneven. James’ face almost broke him, but he continued. “We are nothing, James. Don’t you understand that?” Regulus said firmly. “Nothing.”

James’ expression dropped and he hesitated. “Nothing.” He repeated slowly, nodding, the hurt evident in the way his lips twitched. Then he was pushing Regulus off him gently and staggering to his feet. “This is nothing?” He said again, gesturing between them.

Regulus swallowed and nodded. “Nothing. This can’t happen again. Ever. There is nothing between us. There never will be.”

James nodded, subconsciously imitating him. “Got it.”

And then he was gone. And Regulus broke down. On the tiled floor of a marble bathroom. At his parents’ Christmas party.

Chapter Text

Chapter Twenty

James – February to April

He left before his hookup woke up, like he usually did. He hated the morning after. He hated being fake and pretending they had some kind of unique connection when they’d really just drunkenly fucked and would definitely never see each other again. Sneaking out was becoming his MO, according to Sirius anyway. He’d done it at least six times since Christmas and after every hookup he felt just a little bit emptier. Not to mention the way he’d go back to his college house, shower and think about Regulus until he forgot the name of the person he’d just fucked. Was it sustainable? No. Did it patch up the gaping hole in his heart carved out by pale grey eyes on the bathroom floor of a mansion in Montreal? No, not really, but it was a start.

            He wished he could take back that entire evening. The alcohol, of which he drank far too much, especially for someone who hadn’t really drunk any sort of alcohol in months, along with not warning Regulus that he was going to be in attendance, and then to top it off, his despicable behaviour in that bathroom. What the hell had he been thinking? Pouncing on him like that? Like he owned him? Like Regulus owed himself to him? James hated himself for it. He was sure that’s what did it too, the final thing that pushed Regulus away forever.

He hadn’t heard from him since. Not that he expected to. According to Reg, they were nothing. Nothing. That hit harder than anything else. James had hoped, that even if they hadn’t worked out, that he’d mean something to Regulus, that he would have been even the smallest light in the dark places of his life. And yet, Regulus declared otherwise. Yes, there was probably an element of self-preservation in there, but Regulus’ tongue was loose with alcohol too, and alcohol makes one incredibly truthful. They were nothing. They meant nothing. So ever since Christmas, James had tried to feel something with someone, with anyone. But to no end. He was lonely. He was fucking unsatisfied. And he fucking missed Regulus Black.

            To make matters worse, their season ended in the playoffs in early January. James’ lost his way, he had fumbled nearly every ball in their last two games and was pulled out in the second quarter of their final game due to an injury sustained on a sack. He’d sulked on the bench. Sulked on the bus back, and found the first person willing to slide into his bed in an attempt to feel anything at all. He had fucked them, nameless, but he hadn’t kissed them. He couldn’t kiss them. Still, James felt nothing. Perhaps that was it now, how his life would continue. One great big Nothing. That initial hookup had left before morning. The next day James couldn’t even remember what colour their hair had been.

            After two months of half-hearted effort and complete abandonment of the diet plan, James was completely wrecked. He wasn’t sure he had any tears left in him, and he was certain he didn’t have any more anger. He was spent, completely exhausted. Regulus didn’t want him, and James still didn’t really know why. Thus, it wasn’t long before his coaches pulled him in for a formal meeting and demanded to know what was up. What had happened in the last month to cause him to lose everything he had going for him, everything which before, had put him on track to see him to the top of the league.

“You’ve got one season left, Potter. One. If you want to make the NFL draft, you’re going to have to step it up in August. What happened?” Coach Moody grumbled at him.

James didn’t answer, his hands were clasped, his head hung low between his shoulders.

“Someone break up with you?” he asked tentatively.

James looked up, now concerned it was blindingly obvious.

“Kid.” Moody sighed. “I’m not your therapist. But I need to know if this is your head getting in the way of your talent or whether you’ve just lost your spark.”

James swallowed. “It’s not…” He stopped, huffed out a breath. “It’s just… yeah. Someone.”

Moody leant back in his chair, folding his arms. “Thought so. Look,” he continued. “I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt. It does. I’ve been there. Hell, I got dumped the week before my first NFL playoff. I played like shit and blamed her for years.”

James glanced up. “What changed?”

“I realised she didn’t cost me anything,” he said plainly. “I did that myself. I let my relationship breakdown bleed into everything. The lack of my fundamentals. Training. Sleep. Focus. That was all on me.”

James rubbed his thumb against his knuckle and lifted his shoulders defensively. “Feels a bit heartless to just… switch it off.”

“That’s a good thing,” Coach said. “Means you’re human. But this isn’t about switching it off. It’s about not letting one part of your life drive the whole damn car.”

James let out a quiet laugh. “Feels like it already has. We lost. We’re out.”

“Then grab the wheel,” coach said. “You’re allowed to be miserable. You’re not allowed to quit on yourself because of it.”

Silence settled.

“You’ve got one more season,” the coach went on. “One. That’s it. Scouts don’t care who broke your damn heart. They care if you show up in August sharp, disciplined, and hungry. You want the draft?”

James nodded immediately. “Yeah. Course.”

“Then you don’t let a breakup decide that for you,” he said firmly. “You don’t punish future-you for something past-you couldn’t hold onto.”

James breathed out slowly. His shoulders dropped a fraction.

“Doesn’t mean it didn’t matter,” Moody added, gentler again. “Just means it doesn’t get to ruin everything else in your life.”

James nodded again, slower this time and stood. “Okay.”

Moody stood, clapped a hand once on the desk. “Good. Go lift. Run until your head shuts up. And Potter?”

James paused at the door.

“You don’t need to stop feeling things,” he said. “You just need to keep moving while you do.”

James managed a small, tired smile. “Yes, Coach.”

********

Sorry to hear about your season.

James stared at the text. The name at the top of the text strand.

Regulus.

Was the hell was he even supposed to reply to that? It was halfway through March, and he was finally beginning to feel like himself again, like he could go back to his normal life, like he could function. He had cut out the meaningless hookups. He had cut out alcohol completely. He was eating clean. He was sticking to his plans. His body felt fucking good. Only yesterday he’d PBed on at least four different weights. And now. Now Regulus was texting him, and as expected, his resolve teetered on a fucking knife edge. Protect his peace, or fall back down the rabbit hole.

James’ fingers hovered over the keyboard. It would be so easy. It would be so incredibly easy, such a relief, such indulgence to reply, to call him, to see him. James stared at the message a while longer. Put his phone away, looked at it a few hours later, the next day. The following evening. But eventually, he came to his senses and finally managed to entirely ignore the message.

He pocketed his phone decisively, and focussed on his next set, Sirius complaining on the bench next to him as Prewett added a weight to his bar.

********

April blossomed in Toronto. Big blue chilly skies stretched across the city. This was one of his favourite seasons, surpassed only by the colours in the fall. James left his physio session sore, but thankfully looser. The tight muscle in his traps had eased and his range of movement was already greater. Pulling his hoodie back over his head, he made his way back through campus to meet Lily for coffee in one of the student cafes. Sat outside on one of the little bistro chairs, she waved at him, her bubbly enthusiasm already bringing a smile to his face.

When he reached her, she jumped up and hugged him tightly. “Hi Prongsie,” she cooed. “Where the heck have you been I’ve barely seen you?”

“Oh,” he shrugged. “Around, in the gym mostly. Trying to sort my head out.” he sat down, kicking his bag under the table between them and flicking through the menu. “Stupid finals.”

Tell me about it!” She rolled her eyes, “I had six last week!” she looked down at the menu again. “I haven’t ordered, I thought I’d wait for you.” She smiled, tucking long strands of red hair behind her ears and glanced down at her phone, sending a quick response.

James scanned the menu. “How’s Mary?”

Lily blushed. “She’s good.”

He looked up, almost offended. “What that’s all I get? Fuck me Evans I wanted details!”

“Oh shut up,” she giggled. “We’re… enjoying where it’s all going.”

“So cryptic.” He shook his head and raised an eyebrow. “I’m happy for you Lils.” He said genuinely and looked back down at the menu, his diet still greatly constricted by his nutritionist. “Fuck it, I’m getting a coffee and bacon and avocado sourdough. It’s the closest thing to my plan on here. You’ve tied my hands Evans. I simply have to have it.” He said innocently and scanned the QR code to order. “Put yours on my order.”

“James. I can order my own food.” She protested.

“Shut up Evans. Put your food in.” He grinned charmingly, the phone presented to her.

She took it stubbornly. “Thank you.” Then his phone buzzed in her hands and Lily’s face faltered. Quickly, she finished her order and handed it back. “Sorry I, err definitely saw that, but it flashed up… I tried not to read it.”

James frowned and opened his messages. “Fuck.” He said under his breath, face immediately hardening with hurt. It was a message from Regulus.

Do you want me to post this jersey back to you, or shall I throw it out?

James swallowed. Read it again. Tried to ignore the throbbing ache in his chest. Tried to banish the image of Regulus in his number. He locked his phone and placed it face down. Over the past few months he had received a few texts from Regulus, none of them of any substance, veiled attempts to start a conversation, but this one fucking hurt. Shall I throw it out? He swallowed thickly and cleared his throat, his stomach suddenly nauseous. Nothing. Evidently, that was still true. If Regulus was prepared to throw out James’ jersey, then clearly, he still thought that their entire relationship, situationship, whatever the fuck it was, meant nothing. It was cruel. James could feel his eyes prickling so he bit down hard on the inside of his cheek. He didn’t text back. He couldn’t fall back into that habit. He’d only just managed to get over him, and evidently, even that had gone entirely to plan because here he was crying in a coffee shop over a text from his ex.

Lily waited, before speaking gently. “You okay?”

James just shook his head. “Thought I was… you know. Over him. But, err. Yep, that’s just…”

“I’m so sorry, Prongs.”

He shook his head and lifted his shoulders in an attempt to look casual. He wiped his eyes roughly. “It’s fine. It is what it is.”

“James.” She reached across and took his hand.

“He made his decision.” He said, tone clipped.

“What happened?” she asked earnestly.

James licked his lips, and drew his bottom lip into his mouth pensively, looking down at his hands.

“He… he decided he didn’t want to keep trying. Cut it off. Which is fine, I mean its his decision you know, who am I to dictate that?” He was rambling, he knew he was, but he couldn’t seem to form a coherent sentence. Or shall I throw it out? Fuck. Why did that feel like a gut punch?

“Did he tell you why?”

James shook his head. “But I can guess.” He ran his tongue over his teeth and looked out across campus. “I overstepped. I think I put too much pressure on him. But also, his parents. His parents aren’t good people. I… I think that pushed his final decision. In the end.”

“Did you love him?” Lily asked.

James watched a dog run across the grass, pursued by a small child. “I don’t know, Lils.” He lied. “I don’t know.”

Regulus - March to May

Regulus was falling apart. James hadn’t answered any of his messages. Not since Regulus had said what he’d said at Christmas. And God did he regret that. He regretted every single word of his panic induced, self-protective bullshit. Which was why he’d tried to talk to James, tried, albeit very poorly, to reconcile, to gather up the shattered pieces of whatever it was that they were building in an attempt to patch some of it back together. But every time he felt brave enough to send something, he’d watch as the ticks turned blue and a reply would never come. Some days, he’d check obsessively. Occasionally it would make him angry, but most of the time it just ruined him. In one fleeting moment of panic, Regulus had thrown away the best thing in his life. The only person who had ever truly understood him.

He hadn’t ever thrown out the jersey. That text had been a terrible idea, he knew as soon as he’d sent it. Regulus wasn’t sure what he’d been wanting out of that, maybe for James to call him, to beg him not to? It was fucked up, he knew that, but when had anyone in his family ever given him any healthy coping mechanisms?! He had to make do with the tools he had. And the tools he had consisted of shutting down, running away, and hiding from the rest of the world. So, yes, he’d kept the jersey, and yes, he still slept in it every night, but James didn’t need to know that. Clearly, he hated Regulus, and that would never change. Regulus had ruined it, and he was just going to have to learn to live with himself for it.

*******

Three am in a club was arguably the worst point in any night out. By then it was always teeming with people, overly drunk, overly emotional and staggering about in search of their friends. And tonight, Regulus was one of them. He was surrounded by people kissing, rubbing themselves up against one another and downing shot after shot of questionable liquids. Pandora appeared beside him and handed him another shot, green this time, and he threw it back without hesitation. Then she pulled him onto the dance floor to join Evan, Barty and Dorcas as they hollered along to some terribly old song and screamed with excitement when they saw him. Barty flung his arms around Regulus’ neck and kissed him on the cheek with far too much saliva, his drink sloshing over the top of the glass.

“Fuckin’ love you bitch!” Barty yelled in his ear. Regulus smiled coarsely and patted him on the chest. Barty stank of alcohol and weed. Then he downed the rest of his drink and Regulus grimaced, entirely convinced the idiot was going to be sick right there on the dance floor. But to everyone’s surprise, Barty screamed and started jumping up and down as some old emo hit started, leaping onto Evan’s back and kicking him like a cowboy on a bucker. Cas and Dora laughed, pulling out their phones to video them, dragging Regulus into their arms, involving him in the chaos.

To no one’s surprise, Regulus didn’t last long on the dance floor. The music was too loud, the lights too intense, hundred of bodies pressing in on him at once, grabbing, touching, grinding. His chest constricted causing his breath to snag uncomfortably, and his eyes burned as the smoke machine pumped out acrid clouds. He shook Pandora off with a muttered excuse and pushed his way back through bodies, feet sucking and popping off the sticky floor, sidling past people, pushing off grabby hands until he found the nearest exit and stumbled thankfully out into the cold.

The air hit him hard. February in Montreal was unforgiving, and it sliced straight through the sheer shirt Dora has insisted on him wearing. Weirdly, in a way he was thankful for the biting cold. It grounded him. It calmed the raging storm in his mind. Regulus leant back against the brick wall, tipped his head back, and allowed the cold to punish him. His hands shook as he fumbled for his phone, checked it again, like an idiot, like something might have changed in the last three minutes. Expecting that James might have miraculously replied. But as usual, nothing. Regulus was drunk. Properly, messily drunk. His throat tightened and, before he could stop himself, tears spilled over. He swiped at them angrily, mortified, pathetic. How had he ended up here? Crying over a fucking stupid boy? Stood outside a club like some heartbroken teenager.

“Jesus fucking Christ.” Someone said as they approached him. Regulus flinched. He looked up to find Barty standing a few feet away, coat thrown over his shoulders haphazardly, cigarette unlit between his fingers. “Didn’t peg you as the crying-in-the-alley type, Reggie.” Barty said, softer than his words suggested. “You alright?”

Regulus huffed a laugh that immediately faltered and rubbed aggressively at his eyes. “I’m fucking fine, Barty.” He slurred.

“Well,” Barty said, decisively, “that certainly tracks. No feelings to be felt by a Black, eh?” He came closer, leaning beside him against the wall, glancing back toward the club door before focusing on Regulus again and lit his cigarette. It took a couple of attempts, patiently waiting between his lips until a soft orange glow illuminated his face. Barty took a drag. “What happened?”

Regulus shook his head. Tried to swallow and through his drunkenness, lost the ability to lie to him any longer. “I fucked up.”

“Ah,” Barty said, like that explained everything. He took another drag and remained quiet.

“It’s just… It’s...” Regulus pressed his lips together, eyes glassy as he scuffed his shoe on the sidewalk, arms pinned tightly around his stomach. “It’s James.”

Barty’s eyes narrowed, stunned into uncharacteristic, outrageous shock. “James. As in Potter? As in your brother’s best friend? Sirius’ best fucking friend? Greek god Potter who we all fawned over all summer?!”

Regulus nodded sloppily, wiping his nose on his arm messily. “Yes Barty. James Potter. We…” He broke off, chest hitching, face scrunching as more tears leapt from his cheeks. “We had a thing. All summer. And then after, for a while. And I ruined it. At Christmas.”

Barty straightened, jaw slack in shock. “You and James Potter had a secret summer romance? You lost your v-card to James fucking Potter and you didn’t tell me?!”

Regulus shot him a vaguely venomous glare. “Don’t say it like that.” He swallowed, tipped his head back and stumbled messily against the bricks.

“Sorry, sorry.” Barty said quickly, inhaling deeply, the end of the cigarette glowing in the night air. “Continue.”

Rather than expanding on his story, Regulus slid down the wall until he was sitting on the cold concrete, knees drawn to his chest. Barty hesitated, then followed, sitting beside him and handing him the cigarette. Regulus inhaled, foot bouncing anxiously, allowing the newly familiar burn to fill his lungs. He hadn’t ever smoked, until Christmas, and then… well. He’d fallen apart.

“I panicked,” Regulus said, staring at his hands, tear trails drying on his cheeks. “I ended it. I told him it couldn’t work.” His voice cracked. “And I didn’t mean it. Well maybe I did mean it. I don’t fucking know. It can’t work, I know that, but I wanted it to. I wanted him so fucking much Barty, I can’t even explain it to you. I just… I got scared. And now he won’t talk to me. I’ve ruined it. Permanently.”

Barty was quiet for a moment. Then, thoughtfully, he offered, “Have you tried sleeping with someone else?”

Regulus looked at him with a fierce scowl. “How the fuck is that going to help me you dirty prick?”

“Seriously,” Barty said sincerely. “Works every time. Reset the system. Get him out of your head.” He took the cigarette back and inhaled, winking at him.

“That’s… no Barty.” Regulus laughed wetly. “That’s terrible advice. You shouldn’t be allowed to help people. Your advice sucks ass.”

“Does it? Sucking ass definitely helps though. Can confirm.” Barty shrugged and inhaled, exhaling through his nose and handing the cigarette back to Regulus. “Look. Let’s face it. You’re miserable as sin. He’s ignoring you. He obviously doesn’t want you. So naturally, you need a distraction. Preferably a hot one. My plan has no floors Black. I don’t see the problem.”

Regulus dropped his head back against the wall and confessed quietly, “But I don’t want anyone else.”

“Awh. Pookie.” Barty said, breezy and insincere. “That’s what everyone says right before they hook up with someone else.”

Regulus groaned, rubbing his face with the back of his hand, cigarette smoking between his fingers. “You’re awful.”

“I’m practical.” Barty nudged his knee with his own. “Come on.” He whined. “Let me be your wingman! We’ll find you someone. Tall, short, artsy, stupid, fit, soft. Whatever. One night. No feelings. You’ll feel better. I swear.”

Regulus closed his eyes, exhaustion settling, the alcohol residing as he sobered. He felt hollow and yet, the thought of feeling anything other than this ache was dangerously tempting. “I hate you,” he muttered.

Barty grinned. “No, you don’t. You just hate that I’m right.”

Regulus didn’t answer. He stayed there on the cold ground, breathing in the winter air, trying not to think about James’ voice, his hands, the way he had once looked at him, touched him, and whispered fantastically foul things in his ear as he fucked him.

Regulus tried, and failed, spectacularly to push him from his thoughts.

But before he could change his mind, Barty was dragging him back inside and straight to the bar where he forced three more shots into him and steered him towards the dance floor to scout out potential hook up options. Regulus decided that he wanted the ground to open up and swallow him nearly as much as he wanted James to magically appear and kiss him senseless. Unfortunately, neither of those things happened, and Barty was already whispering into the ear of some tall blonde guy and pointing at him with a devilish grin. He flushed and looked away, and tried to dance with his friends in the hope Barty would get bored, but he could already feel them approaching.

“Reggie!” Barty yelled over the music. “Reggie! This is Max!”

He smiled politely and glared at Barty, but within five minutes, Max was kissing him, his hands underneath his shirt, pulling him flush against him, and within fifteen minutes, they were on their way back to Regulus’ house.

*******

Spring was early this year. The dark days fleeing with the chill from the onslaught of warmer weather. Regulus spent a lot of time studying for finals outside, under a fresh spring sun on one of the benches on campus. Sometimes Dora joined him, other times he sat alone. Thankfully he wasn’t sad anymore, he just didn’t care. He didn’t care that he would be alone forever, he didn’t care that he would probably have to marry this stupid French girl, and he most certainly didn’t care that James had probably moved on and was fucking a different person every night. He didn’t care. About any of it. Not at all. He didn’t care.

Apart from on those rare occasions where the indifference would manifest as anger and he’d scroll through his phone with the intention of deleting James’ number, but something in him always tugged him away from going through with it. The way he’d end up on James’ Instagram page and scroll through every post, just to see his face, just to hear his voice. God it was so fucked up. Then he reminded himself that he didn’t care, and turned off his phone.

And yet, James’ jersey goaded him from his desk chair, where it had been draped since Christmas.

Hooking up with that random guy hadn’t helped like Barty had promised. To be quite honest it had just made him feel worse. Max hadn’t kissed him properly, hadn’t touched him in the way he liked, he’d fucked him too hard, too indifferently, and had left far too quickly. They’d barely kissed. The whole experience in general was terrible, but thankfully, Regulus had never heard from him again. Directly afterwards, he’d thought of James, hell let’s face it, the entire time Max had been fucking him he’d been thinking of James, even if he hadn’t realised it at the time. Regulus had got into bed afterwards, sore and regretful and curled himself into a ball as he tried not to cry. As he lay there, all he could think was, how had he fucked up so spectacularly? Was this it now? Constantly chasing the high that James had given him? Constantly searching for someone even remotely comparable to him. Because that seemed like a pretty lonely fucking life, and Regulus didn’t know if he’d have the strength to survive it.

Although after a few weeks, it got a little better, he regained some control of the mask he wore, his feelings had numbed, and his expectations had lowered. Regulus came to realise, or perhaps, came back to the idea that the only person he could truly rely on, was himself. Sirius tried, but even he had still run away to Toronto, he had still baited their parents and unknowingly left Regulus to deal with the aftermath of their sour moods. Sirius had never understood that their parents’ anger was long lasting, he always figured that if in the moment, they hurt him instead of Regulus, that he was protecting him, he never realised quite how subtle they could be with their retaliation. And it wasn’t like Regulus was going to go crying to his brother, because that would only make things a hundred times worse. Sirius always thought he was helping, but it was something he never quite managed to see through. Therefore, Regulus re-taught himself to be on his own. March through May, he learnt to compartmentalise his thoughts, to push down his feelings and tell himself that he needed no one. No matter how deeply they wormed themselves into his life.

His second year of college ended quietly. He’d passed all of his finals by a mile, like he always did, average simply wasn’t good enough for the Black family, so he had made sure that he excelled. Once back home, his parents brought up the topic of the summer, of his coming with them to France, to meet this girl his father was set on him marrying. Sirius had fervently disagreed. He’d argued with their father for hours to no avail. it seemed that Regulus was going to France, and Sirius was not welcome to join. Regulus had listened to the conclusion of this conversation from the top step of the back staircase, their voices carrying up from their father’s study. Perhaps he’d been harsh passing Sirius off as selfish, because no one had ever fought for him like this, no one had ever so fiercely stood up for his desires, his choices. Perhaps James could have, if Regulus had ever allowed him to get that close. If he hadn’t thrown him away and gone running for the hills. But it was clear now that James didn’t want him. He hadn’t answered a single text. Clearly, Regulus had just been another conquest and the sooner he accepted that, the better. Perhaps going to Muskoka this summer was a terrible idea. Perhaps he should just go to France.

When he finally heard the study door open, and Sirius stomp up the stairs, he lifted his head and leant it against the wall patiently. Awaiting his fate. He didn’t even really want to go to Muskoka, not anymore, but he knew he wanted to go to France even less. What he really wanted, was to stay in his college house and be left entirely alone. But apparently that wasn’t an option.

“Fait que?” So? he asked hopelessly, looking at Sirius’ face. A freshly split lip bled down his chin.

“No French. I’m sick of it. All I’ve done is speak fucking French to these dickheads. They’ve tainted it with their poison.”

“Got it. No French.” Regulus said, emotionally backing off and waiting for Sirius to continue. He watched his brother wipe blood onto the sleeve of his freshly pressed white shirt.

“We’re sneaking out.” his brother said like it was nothing. “Then we’ll fly to Toronto in the morning.”

“What?” Regulus choked, sitting up straight. “No, Siri. I can’t do that.”

“Yes, you can.” Sirius hissed. “Come on.” He beckoned and walked quickly to his bedroom, Regulus followed reluctantly, throwing worried looks over his shoulder, as if their mother would jump out from the shadows and ambush them.

The door clicked closed behind them, preserving this familiar sanctuary, and Sirius began, rifling through the first aid kit he kept in his bedroom, looking for something to stop the bleeding. “I’ll book the flights tonight. You pack, we slip out before dawn.”

“No.” Regulus said adamantly. “I’m not going behind their backs, Sirius. I won’t.”

“Why? They just want to marry you off, Reg! They don’t care about you! About either of us!” Sirius argued back, trying to keep his voice down and gesturing at his face. “Or is that not obvious?”

“I don’t care anymore. I don’t give a fuck. But I’m not like you Sirius, I can’t just turn my back on my family!” He snapped.

“Oh! You mean the family that covered you in cigarette burns?” Sirius said dryly. “The family that beats me to a pulp every time I have an independent thought? The family that tied me to a radiator the first time I tried to run away? The family that gave you an eating disorder? The family who locked you in your bedroom for three days because you took seconds at a party without asking when you were seven years old? The family that manipulates every single fucking aspect of our lives until we become their obedient little puppets?” Sirius paused, face filled with a terrifying mix of anger and sadness. “I’ve got no loyalty to family like that. And frankly Reggie, neither should you.”

Regulus didn’t have anything to say. Because Sirius was right, and Regulus hated himself for not having the balls to be able to follow him so valiantly into disobedience. He sat down on his brother’s bed, head in his hands. Sirius sat down beside him and sighed heavily, the weight of their survival pressing down on him.

“Look, Reg. I just want to protect you. I’ve never seen you as happy as you were last summer.” Sirius nudged him gently. “You were yourself. You were so fucking happy.”

Regulus’ stomach plummeted. His reason for that happiness was gone now. James wanted nothing to do with him anymore. His options had fallen to two unbearable choices. Hell in France with his parents meeting some girl they had arranged for him to marry, or hell in Muskoka watching his ex-situationship that he was definitely in love with, strut around half naked for eight weeks. Right now, neither option was filling him with much enthusiasm.

“I’m worried about you.” Sirius said, still watching him. “You’re wasting away.”

“I’m fine.”

“Don’t lie to me.” Sirius said gently, taking his hand and squeezing it.

Regulus looked away.

“They are sucking the life out of you Reggie. I can see it.” He paused. “They will never let you go to Muskoka. Not again. And they definitely won’t let you stay in Montreal unsupervised all summer, you know they won’t. They are too set on France. Remember when they tried to make me go about four years ago but I told father he could respectfully fuck off. They need to understand that we are adults and they cannot control us. Not anymore.”

“Just.” He said with frustration. “Just let me try.”

His brother sighed and held up his hands. “Fine.” He lay back on his bed defensively, dabbing at his lip with an antiseptic wipe. “Come back and tell me what they say.”

********

“So, no conditions?” Sirius demanded, for the sixth or seventh time. “They just let you go?”

“Yes Sirius, I’ve already told you! Papa agreed that perhaps it wouldn’t be a terrible idea.” Regulus lied, but he wasn’t about to disclose to his brother what he’d agreed with their father. He lifted his suitcase on to the scale as they checked their bags at the airport, the lady at the desk politely quiet as Sirius questioned him.

“I don’t believe you.” He huffed. “They were adamant that you were going to France.”

Regulus shrugged. “Maybe you just didn’t ask politely enough.”

“Pfft.” His brother rolled his eyes dramatically.

“Either way, I’m here, aren’t I? So stop badgering me about it.” Regulus shrugged, and thanked the woman behind the desk as she handed their passports back. He followed Sirius through the airport, his brother now undertaking the sulk of the decade. But he wasn’t going to tell him. How could he? With what he’d agreed to, Sirius wouldn’t understand, but Regulus had nothing else to live for. James hated him. Sirius was off living a better life in Toronto. Therefore, he didn’t have anything else going for him. Regulus hated everything about his current life, so his father’s proposal didn’t seem so ludicrous in the end. Besides, it meant being on his parent’s good side, and that was never a bad place to be. Muskoka had been a sort of… reward, for steadfast obedience. So why did he have this sinking feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach?

            They traipsed through the airport, waited in silence for their gate to be called and eventually boarded. Regulus looked up at the information screen. Toronto. Departure 10:25. He was really going back. He was going to see him. He would have to speak to him, be polite to him. Would James even look at him, or would this be the worst decision of Regulus’ life? To sit alone in an enormous house whilst his brother and his friends swanned about on James’ boat all summer. He hadn’t eaten since yesterday morning and he was beginning to feel it, but his mother’s words itched at the back of his head. Regulus pulled the sleeves of his McGill hoodie over his hands and sank down into his seat, head leant against the window, trying to keep the waves of panic at bay.

            They plane took off, and with each minute he came closer and closer to James and everything they hadn’t ever had the courage to say.

He was going back to Muskoka.

Chapter Text

The Second Summer

Chapter Twenty One

Regulus followed Sirius out of the terminal with growing anxiety. With each step, he came closer to seeing James, closer to knowing whether the deal had had brokered with his father had been justified. Whether James really hated him as much as Regulus thought he did, which perhaps was what had made signing his life away a little easier to bear. Not that Regulus would blame James if he did in fact still hate him entirely. Regulus had been awful to him at Christmas. He wouldn’t want to be with himself either.

Perhaps that’s why it had been so easy to accept his father’s conditions. Regardless, he knew wholeheartedly that he had ruined all of it. He knew that he would never kiss James again, never feel the weight of him, his touch. Having him wasn’t part of the deal. Having anyone wasn’t part of the deal, that had been clear. Of course, Regulus hadn’t told his father about his whirlwind romance last summer, if he had, he’d be dead, and he definitely wouldn’t be walking through Toronto airport behind his rebellious older brother. His parents could never find out about last summer. The fallout would be astronomical.

So regardless of the fact that Regulus was back in Muskoka, reconciliation was simply out of the question. Regulus’ path was paved for him now, and nothing anyone could do would prevent that from playing out. Regulus had agreed to the conditions. And Blacks were men of their word. He just hoped that he and James could at least be civil.

Sirius hurried out of the terminal doors and hurtled into Remus’ arms, kissing him hard. Apparently, James had picked Remus up from campus before coming to pick them up. Remus landed the day before having spent a few days back home in Nova Scotia. Regulus wondered what kept Remus away from home for so much of the year, but then he considered his own answer to the same question, and perhaps understood him a little better, even though he wasn’t privy to all the details. He watched them enviously, but tried desperately to hide the scowl that threatened to break across his face.

Then his eyes tugged towards the blue truck, and the six-foot-three football player leaning effortlessly against the hood. Regulus swallowed nervously. James wasn’t looking at him, his eyes were fixed on his phone, scrolling with one arm folded across his middle.

He looked fantastic, no one could deny that. He looked bigger, his biceps, his thighs. Regulus looked away. James wasn’t his to look at. Not anymore. Perhaps he never had been, and now he never would be. Not after Christmas, and following the conditions that allowed him to be stood in Toronto, not ever again.

“Prongs!” Sirius said with an easy smile. “Its been too long! A week? Two? How have you survived without me?”

“Oh it’s been tough, Pads, I can’t lie to you.” James chuckled sarcastically, embracing him, then shoved him hard. “Get in, idiot.”

Regulus stepped forward, to say hi, to be cordial, a small smile on his lips, hope igniting in his chest that perhaps at least they’d be able to be friends. But as he stepped off the curb, arms already opening for a courteous hug, James turned away. Regulus stopped dead, face falling. James walked away, expression instantly solemn, eyes cast down, avoiding Regulus entirely, opening his truck door and climbing into the driver’s side.

Regulus watched him. He watched James look back down at his phone, choosing music for the drive, looking up at Sirius and laughing and refusing to acknowledge Regulus’ existence. The man who’d kissed him like he was the only thing in the world that mattered. The man who’d shown him how it felt to be adored, the man who now wouldn’t even say hello. Wouldn’t even meet his eye.  

And Regulus felt it like knife to the stomach.

This was it. He had ruined it. Truly.

Was it too late to go home?

Sirius took his suitcase and threw it in the truck bed.

“Get in.” Sirius said, pushing him towards the back door.

Regulus’ hands curled into anxious fists as he climbed into the backseat. Perhaps he should have just gone to France. This had been an awful, awful idea. Why had he thought they could both just turn up here and be what, friends? Apparently, James couldn’t even be polite. He sighed and leant his head against the truck window, listening to his brother ramble excitedly, his legs cast over his boyfriend’s lap.

Regulus wasn’t sure he could do this. Sirius and Remus, Mary and Lily. James. If being surrounded by couples wasn’t bad enough, he wasn’t sure he could handle eight weeks of being ignored by the man he loved. But no matter how vehemently he dreaded the next two months, there was nothing he could do about it, but endure. At least he’d be able to read a lot of books, alone in his room. Whilst the rest of them fucked around in the lake.

Wishing it away was no use either. Fall loomed like an unopened door at the end of a haunted corridor, out of reach, but always edging closer. A countdown to the start of the rest of his life had begun. His last summer of freedom. His father’s expectations. Regulus’ promises.

Promises, promises, promises.

The truck purred below them. He listened to the three friends in the front cackle and joke, sharing sweets and stories, and expectations for the weeks ahead. He was entirely forgotten, in the backseat, like the family dog. Regulus looked out of the window, drawing his knees to his chest. Surely James couldn’t ignore him for the entire two months? Someone would notice. Wouldn’t they?

 Somewhere along the drive, he fell asleep, and didn’t wake until the truck bumped over the short gravel driveway, dropping off the road and down the short hill. It parked and rumbled to a stop, the engine cutting with a gurgle. He inhaled, blinking against the early evening light, dipping in the sky. Unbuckling his belt, he opened the door and slid out of the truck. Sirius lifted his suitcase out of the bed and handed it to him. Regulus smiled and silently followed them all inside.

“Oh, it’s so lovely to see you all again!” Effie cooed, hugging Sirius tightly, then Remus, and finally Regulus. “Monty is out back on the grill. It had to be a feast tonight, he said.”

“Lils and Mary aren’t coming until tomorrow now mum, but I’m sure Sirius and I can clean up most of it.” James grinned, hugging her tightly, as if he hadn’t seen her four hours ago.

Great. Regulus thought. Twenty four hours before he had someone to talk to.

            They filed inside, Effie informed them they were all back in their usual rooms and that dinner would be another hour or so. Regulus made himself scarce. He dragged his suitcase upstairs and padded softly along the corridor towards his room, keeping himself together, holding everything inside. Just to the door. Get to the door. He told himself firmly, white knuckling his suitcase handle. Outside his bedroom though, he paused, hand hovering over the handle.

He glanced over his shoulder at James’ door. This was horrible. This whole situation was fucking awful. Why had he thought this would be easy? Why had he thought that this, would be better than France, better than Montreal alone even? No. This was the worst possible scenario. This was hell. He twisted the handle and hurried inside, shutting it firmly behind him and taking a deep, shaky breath. Then he looked at the space. The room was the same. Regulus leant back against the door and looked down at the floor, at the spot where James had knelt before him once upon a time. He closed his eyes.

What are you doing?

Worshipping you.

A single tear dropped onto Regulus’ cheek as he tried not to fall apart.

*******

            The first day at the lake was quiet. Sirius and James went out on the boat for most of it. Remus sat out on the deck with a book. Regulus stayed in his room. He’d gone down a little later, when Lily and Mary had arrived and he felt as if he could breathe a little easier with Lily here. She understood him. Perhaps more than any of the rest of them. Once the fuss of their arrival had died down, Lily found him out on the deck a little before dinner.

“Hey.” She said simply, sitting down beside him.

Regulus smiled fondly, though masked his reservation effortlessly. “Hey.”  

“How’s things? School, home, you know.”

He looked over his shoulder uncertainly, but everyone else was inside. The bifold doors were closed. He shrugged. “Could be better, but it could also be so much worse.” He paused. “You?”

“Could be better. Could be worse.” She smiled and plopped her head on his shoulder, looking out at the lake. “Its nice to be back out here though.”

He cleared his throat and nodded. “Yeah.”

A bird called from a nearby tree. Lily lifted her head and looked down at her feet, swinging over the edge of the decking. “Look. I’m not trying to pry, but James talked to me, about you guys.”

“Oh did he.” Regulus said dryly with a shake of his head. “So, you hate me now too.”

“Not at all.” she said softly. “I want to know if you’re alright. If there’s anything I can do?”

“I’m fine.” He lied. “I wish everyone would stop asking if I’m alright.”

“Sorry.” Lily whispered and waited, the sounds of the late afternoon filling the space between them. She began idly plaiting a strand of her hair. “He’s been a wreck.” She confessed gently.

And Jesus that didn’t help the guilt building inside him. “Oh.” He managed, eyes already prickling.

“You mustn’t hate him for being angry.”

“I don’t.” Regulus pushed out, then pressed his lips tightly together again.

“He doesn’t hate you.”

“Could’ve fooled me.” Regulus sniffed, looking away, towards the thickening forest to the left of the house.

“He’s hurting. As I’m sure you are.” She placed a hand on his. “Just. Talk to him.”

“He wants nothing to do with me.” Regulus closed his eyes. “It doesn’t matter anymore anyway. We’re not a good fit.”

In that moment, the doors behind them slid open, and the others came out onto the deck loudly, beers in hand. Mary handed one to Lily who smiled gratefully and stood up. “Coming?” she asked, holding out a hand to Regulus. The others were walking over to the firepit.

He shook his head. “I’m good.” He stood up. “Don’t want to hurt anyone else.” He said passively, yet the venom still stung. With that, he swept back into the house and retreated to the safety of his bedroom.

********

For dinner, Lily and Sirius laid up the table outside on the deck to eat. Regulus lingered at the fringes, until Lily swept him over to sit beside her. As she did so, he brushed against James and dared to look up at him. Fleetingly, their eyes met, and James looked away, brushing past him with stoney indifference.

“Beer, Pads?” James asked, throwing a finger in Sirius’ direction.

“Always,” Sirius nodded indignantly.

“Lils, drink? Moony? Mary?” James asked.

Regulus sat down, trying to ignore the fact that he was being purposefully excluded. God he wanted to die. He wanted out of this fucking hell hole.

Lily spoke first. “Anything light Prongsie please. Reg, do you want anything?”

He smiled politely and shook his head. At least Lily cared. Regulus folded himself into the chair beside her, hands tucked into his lap anxiously. This was horrific. How was he to survive eight weeks of this? James took the seat opposite him a moment later, after handing out drinks, but didn’t dare acknowledge him.

Effie emerged with a platter balanced on her hands. “Alright, everyone, tuck in before it goes cold.”

“It smells unreal, Effie,” Mary said enthusiastically.

“Thank you dear, its nothing special. Lemon chicken, couscous, grilled veg,” Effie replied cheerfully. “Summer on a plate.”

“Dad’s been hovering like a vulture for an hour,” James said, leaning back with an easy grin. Regulus watched him. The way his jaw flexed, the way his biceps contracted as he rested his hands on the back of his head, interlocking his fingers. “I reassured him no one was going to steal it.” Then he laughed. Beautifully. Regulus looked down at his hands, tracing the cigarette burn scars between his thumb and forefinger.

Fleamont laughed. “I was protecting it from you lot!”

“Dig in!” Effie said again, handing the spoon to Mary who helped herself and passed it on. Regulus reached for the serving spoon when it came to him, scooped a careful, modest amount onto his plate. Enough to look normal. Enough not to draw attention. His stomach felt like it had sealed itself shut.

James still wouldn’t look at him.

“So,” Sirius said, mouth already full, “how long before Monty starts pretending, he didn’t enjoy being sous chef?”

“I enjoy cooking,” Fleamont protested with a smirk.

“Correction. You enjoy grilling,” Sirius said. “Don’t lie.”

Remus smiled faintly. “It is very good,” he added diplomatically.

“Grilling is cooking!” he protested. Effie raised a well-drawn eyebrow.

James nodded. “Impeccable mum. So bloody good.”

“I can imagine after all the rubbish you boys have eaten this year it is!” she laughed lightly.

Regulus lifted his fork. Nudged a piece of chicken. Lowered it again. He couldn’t do it. He felt like if he put a single thing in his mouth he’d vomit.

Lily leaned closer to him. “You alright?”

“Yes,” he said quickly. Too quickly. He smiled again and raised his fork, brought it almost to his mouth, then set it down. He could feel James’ presence across from him like a weight, pressing against his ribs.

Remus kicked Sirius lightly under the table. “Stop inhaling it, you’ll choke.”

“Worth it,” Sirius said. “I’ve got to start bulking for August, Moons. Pre-season is brutal. They take away all my carbs! All the nice things!”

James snorted. “And yet every year you cheat the diet plan anyway!”

“Shut up Prongs, stop giving away state secrets!” Sirius glared at him humorously.

Regulus pushed some couscous from one side of his plate to the other. He told himself to eat. Just one bite. No one would even notice. But the idea of chewing made his throat tighten. Everyone laughed, cutlery clattered delicately. Conversation ebbed and flowed. But Regulus’ heart pounded. He felt like a guest who’d overstayed his welcome. Like someone who’d wandered into a stranger’s house and demanded a seat at their table.

“So, Regulus,” Effie said kindly, “How was college this year?”

He nodded. “Good, thank you. Finals were tough.”

“I can imagine you excelled though honey. Jamie tells me how smart you are.” She looked at her son. “Your finals were tough too, weren’t they darling?” Effie asked affectionately. “I do not envy you young’uns. University is no walk in the park.”

James nodded indifferently. “My classes aren’t nearly as advanced as Regulus’.” 

Regulus looked up sharply. Was that some kind of veiled compliment? Their eyes did not meet. James’ tone was polite. Controlled. It hurt more than anger would have. James inhaled deeply and turned his attention back to Sirius.

“You’re keen for a run in the morning, right?”

“Yeah. Why? Chickening out already Prongs? Scared I’m gonna best your time?”

“No moron. Just checking.”

Conversation flowed around the table. But Regulus felt like he was watching it through glass. He told himself he just needed to get through dinner. Smile. Eat enough to ensure that no one commented. Leave early if he could. He did not belong at this table. Not really. Not like this. Not anymore. He glanced up once more, just once, and caught James looking over at his uneaten plate of food. He saw James’ jaw tighten. He looked away. Regulus swallowed hard, pushed his chair back a fraction, and picked at his food until everyone else declared themselves full and began to clear up, stacking dishes, collecting cutlery. Regulus offered his thanks, and vanished into the crevices of the house to hide.

********

Day three.

James still hadn’t spoken to him. They avoided one another like ghosts haunting the same dimly lit corridor. Regulus thought he’d be fine about it, before getting on the plane, he didn’t think he’d care if they resumed their arrangement or not, but apparently, now that he was faced with James’ indifference, he cared. Apparently, he cared a lot. And now he was stuck in this weird internal battle between wanting desperately for James to look at him, to want him again, and the knowledge that perhaps this was for the best, that this would make walking away in eight weeks’ time so much easier. Because at the end of the day, all of this fucking around playing happy families ended in September. Regardless of Regulus’ feelings.

            But that didn’t stop him from conjuring thoughts of James each night. In the shower, in bed, jerking off to memories of things that would never be again, sleeping in his stupid jersey. Which, yes, he’d brought with him. Why he’d brought it? Fuck knows.

            Regulus rolled over in bed, where he’d been for the last three hours. Dinner had been awkward, yet again and he hadn’t managed to eat a single thing. James hadn’t even remotely glanced in his direction, let alone actually spoken to him. Lily had noticed, and seemed to feel just as awkward as Regulus did about it. His brother was oblivious, as usual, and just continued to be his normal obnoxious self, no matter how many times Remus checked him. So, as was becoming his custom, Regulus had retreated upstairs after helping to clear up afterwards and hid.

Just book a flight back to Montreal already. Pandora texted back, after Regulus had sent her a selfie of him snuggled under the covers at barely eight that evening.

Can’t. Papa is tracking my accounts. He shot back.

You’re twenty years old Reg, that’s insane.

He scoffed. Tell me about it.

And James is just ignoring you? Completely?

Yup. He texted, hoping it sounded as blunt as he had intended it to. I fucked it up. Just like everything else in my life.

That’s not true and you know it.

He sighed and locked his phone. He wasn’t in the mood for a pep talk and friendly encouragement, even if he knew that Dora was only trying to help. Regulus had no room in his life for positive affirmations. He shuffled down under the covers and closed his eyes. Instantly, his mind went to the lake, last summer, to stolen kisses and hasty attempts to get one another off without getting caught. His hand travelled down to his crotch, and he replayed minutes, moments and nights behind locked doors.

            Afterwards, he felt worse. The glow only lasted as long as the fizz that flew around his body as he came in his hand. Then reality set back in. James hated him. He reminded himself as he pushed out of bed and padded, cat-like to the bathroom.

            As always, it was hours before sleep took him.

*******

On the fourth day of this eight week prison sentence, Regulus was dragged out to the lawn that lay between the house and the lake by Lily because, as she put it, you cannot sit up there and sulk like Dracula all summer. Regulus didn’t dare to acknowledge the notion that she might have had a point, but as always, being steadfastly stubborn, he complained all the way down, until she pulled him roughly onto the picnic blanket beside her. Regulus caught the tail end of a glare James gave Lily, to which she shook her head and rolled her eyes as if to say grow up. Regulus’ chest warmed slightly. At least someone had his back, especially when James so outwardly hated him, no matter what Lily told him.

He sat cross legged, opening his book in his lap. Around him, blankets quivered in the breeze half overlapped, shoes were abandoned in a messy pile. The sprawled bodies of his friends fanned out, interlaced with snacks and cans of beer. Regulus pushed sunglasses onto his face, even though the glare wasn’t that bad, the sun was directed away from him, but he needed to hide his eyes, he couldn’t afford to look like he’d been crying as much as he had. Lily sat cross legged beside him, book open but unread. Mary was flat on her back, arms spread wide, one hand tracing lazy circles on Lily’s thigh. Remus sat a little apart on a deckchair, his stick discarded on the grass, watching the water with quiet intensity. James and Sirius were further down the lawn now, throwing a football back and forth loudly.

“Oi, that was a terrible throw!” Sirius called, taking great offence.

“Catch it properly then!” James shot back.

Regulus did not look at them. He was very focused on a blade of grass he’d started tearing apart between his fingers. He didn’t need to look at a shirtless James. He didn’t need to witness the harsh V that disappeared into his shorts, the washboard of his stomach, the breadth of his sun kissed freckled shoulders. He didn’t need to see any of it. But embarrassingly, that didn’t stop him from peeking.

Mary broke the silence first. “So,” she said brightly, “this weather is disgustingly good. Like, rude levels of sunshine and I’m not complaining. Who needs to go to Florida when Ontario gives you summers like this?”

“Canada’s way of apologising for the beast of a winter we just had,” Lily murmured.

Remus hummed in agreement but didn’t look away from the lake.

Mary rolled onto her side to face Lily. “Anyone actually done anything productive today?”

“I finished a chapter,” Lily said.

“Show off.” Mary winked.

“I went for a walk,” Remus offered.

Mary looked at Regulus. “And you, Reggie?”

He shrugged, eyes suddenly downcast. “Read a bit.” True enough but he hadn’t absorbed a word.

Behind them, the football hit the ground with a dull thud, missing them by mere inches.

“For fuck’s sake, Pads!” James said. “Eyes up.”

“Maybe don’t throw it like you’re mad at me!” Sirius replied. There was something unresolved marinating beneath the surface, perhaps not between them, but something existing in parallel. Regulus could feel it humming through the air, that leftover tension from the night before. Whatever had happened between Sirius and Remus had lodged itself firmly. They’d all heard them. The raised voices coming from their room. Sirius storming out, slamming the door and taking himself off downstairs. Consequentially Sirius hadn’t spoken much today, and Remus had expertly ignored him. Whatever it was, neither of them were backing down.

Mary winced. “Christ. Do they always sound like that?”

“No,” Lily said quietly, observing them.

Remus’ jaw tightened and he adjusted his sunglasses. He was acutely aware of James’ presence, how something he had once treasured, now felt like some great mythological curse. The rhythm of his voice. The sound of his laugh forced and brittle when Sirius said something stupid. The thud of feet on grass.

“Do you want a drink?” Lily asked him softly.

“No,” he said, too quickly, then added, “I’m fine.”

She studied him for a second, then nodded.

Mary tried again. “We should go swimming later. Before dinner.”

“Maybe,” Lily said.

Remus didn’t respond.

Another throw. Another barked laugh from Sirius. Though James didn’t laugh this time, but he did throw it back exceptionally hard. Regulus heard it make contact with his brother’s stomach.

Regulus pressed his lips together and stared up at the sky. He felt like he was balancing on something fragile, like if he moved wrong the whole afternoon would dissipate. James was still ignoring him. He wondered whether anyone else had clocked it? No one except Lily, who was pretending very hard not to notice. It must be awkward for her, being friends with them both, though Regulus knew, that if sides were to be picked, she’d go to James, and Regulus wouldn’t blame her for it. They’d been friends longer. They were closer.

“Nice throw!” Sirius shouted sarcastically.

“Shut up,” James replied.

Mary exhaled loudly. “Wow. This is… cheerful.”

It wasn’t long before they all went inside, and found separate corners of the house to dwell in until dinner.

            Regulus hid in his room after showering the lake water off his body, and pulled James’ jersey over his head while he tidied the closet and remade his bed. The mess was beginning to stress him out. He knelt down on the plush cream carpet and placed his shoes carefully in the racks at the bottom of the shelving unit, then folding clothes out of his suitcase, the repetition calming him until he was interrupted by a knock at the door. Without thinking, he called for whoever it was to come in, despite the fact he was wearing nothing but boxers and James’ number, being far too engrossed in organising to process what might happen if Sirius was on the other side of that door. The door creaked open, and Regulus glanced over his shoulder. In the now open doorway, was James. Staring at him. No. Not at him. At his own jersey, draped over Regulus’ slight form. Regulus’ realisation came too late and he felt the flush spread rapidly up from his neck.

“I…” he tried but James cut him off.

“Dinner in fifteen minutes.” James said curtly, still staring at him, eyes full of hurt, brow creased in confusion.

“Ok.” Regulus forced out, staring into James’ honey coloured eyes, properly, for the first time since Christmas. God he’d missed those eyes.

There was a long period of silence between them. Regulus stayed knelt on the floor beside the closet. James stayed by the door, halfway inside, deliberation clouding his face.

“You told me you’d thrown that out.” James said. Clipped. Defensive.

Regulus’ hands balled in his lap anxiously. “Couldn’t do it.” He said quietly.

Jesus fuck were they talking? Was this them actually talking?

James nodded and shifted his weight. “Dinner in fifteen.” He repeated.

Regulus just nodded. This was awful. This was fantastic, and absolutely fucking awful.

“Cool.” James said and then he was gone, door pulled shut behind him.

Regulus released the breath he’d been holding and folded over himself, resting his forehead on the carpet and cursing profusely. James had walked in on him wearing his fucking jersey. The jersey Regulus had told him he’d thrown out. The jersey he’d now apparently brought back with him to Muskoka. Talk about looking fucking desperate! As if the material had suddenly set alight, he pulled it off and launched it across the room where it fell onto the far side of the bed. He pulled on a t shirt and sweats, and a McGill hoodie and tried to remember how to breathe.

            Fifteen minutes later, they were all sat around the table inside. A summer storm had blown through unexpectedly and had forced the residents of Lake Joseph into their homes, ruining summer evening meals and drinks beside the water. But Fleamont had reassured them that it was merely a shower and would be gone in a matter of hours. They all sat. Tucked in. Sirius and Remus were still ignoring one another. They sat at opposite ends. Regulus picked at his dinner, despite it looking incredible. Mary had cooked, with Lily’s help, and everyone dug in hastily, and had then come back for seconds, and James and Sirius, thirds. Regulus tried to get through his first plate, but every time he brought his fork to his mouth, his throat felt like it was closing up, and his stomach flipped anxiously. He couldn’t look at James, but boy could he feel the man’s eyes on him. Burning a hole in the side of his head.

“Regulus, I don’t think I have ever seen you without a book in hand,” Effie said kindly, curiously. “I need some new reads, what do you recommend?”

Regulus cleared his throat, and took a sip of water. He hated being put on the spot, never mind how good the intentions were behind it. “Erm.” He started, all eyes on him. “Well, I’m currently reading A Separate Peace, by John Knowles, which I’m enjoying a lot. But my favourite, one I read every year, is The Picture of Dorian Gray.”

“Ah!” Effie said with recognition. “I have read that one,” she sipped from her red wine.

“Its good.” Regulus confirmed. “I really want to read A Secret History, by Donna Tartt, but I haven’t managed to get my hands on a copy yet.”

Remus hummed, finishing his mouthful. “I’ve got that at home! I wish I’d known, I would’ve brought it with me for you.” The conversation continued, books continued to be shouted around, recommendations stacking up as people added in their own favourites. Regulus allowed the conversational tide to bypass him, and he went quiet, smiling quaintly at Lily when she beamed at him. He didn’t dare look at James.

            As soon as he could, he made his excuses and retreated to his room, saying his goodnights and essentially announcing his retirement for the evening. Which is why he was surprised to hear yet another knock at his door, an hour or so later. Pulling his hoodie back on, he went to the door and opened it. No one was there. But on the floor, on a tray, was a bowl of tomato soup and a grilled cheese.

Regulus’ heart began to pound. He looked frantically to James’ door, but it was closed. There was no sign of movement. Then his stomach growled. It was five days since he’d really eaten anything of substance. He deliberated. Would this open the dastardly can of worms? Was this the slippery slope? No, he told himself. This was James’ innate kindness. The man still hated him, still wanted nothing to do with him, he just didn’t want to watch Regulus starve himself. That wasn’t affection, that was just human decency. He picked up the tray, and took it inside.

Within twenty minutes, the plate was clear and the bowl was drained. Regulus sat in bed, watching old reruns of Friends, after having eaten the first full meal in God knows how long, his anxiety subdued, his brain finally finding the will to relax. Evidently James still had that effect on him, even though they were nothing anymore. Despite how much something they had once been, or ever could have been.

*******

Day five.

Regulus was curled on the sofa, watching the sun shimmer over the lake through the open bifold doors. He watched Lily and Mary jump off the dock, squealing and laughing as they splashed one another. Sirius was on a run. Remus was upstairs. He wasn’t sure where Effie and Monty were.

It was quiet.

He turned the page of the last chapter of A Separate Peace, trying not to show how much it had ruined him. He was a Black after all, they were supposed to be emotionless were they not? Not that that had ever been the case, in private that is. In public he could hold a mask, but his mind got the better of him alone. Sirius though, Sirius was emotional everywhere, anywhere and completely on purpose. Hell, he was still grumpy over whatever he and Remus had argued about, though Remus was definitely over it, and was just winding Sirius up, seeing how far he could push him before he forced himself out of his three day long sulk.

The sound of the front door closing startled him. He looked over the back of the sofas towards the door to see James waltzing through the house with three bags of groceries. Regulus quickly looked away. James walked to the kitchen and lifted the bags onto the counter, balancing them expertly against one another. Then, unexpectedly, he came back to the sofas and held out his hand, towards Regulus, who looked up. Met his eyes. Then looked at his hand. James was holding a book. The Secret History, by Donna Tartt. Regulus’ eyes were fixed shockingly on the book, mouth open, throat suddenly dry.

“Is this not the right one?” James said impatiently, in a tone that suggested he’d rather be anywhere but here, talking to anyone other than him.  

Regulus faltered, tripping over his words. “No, yes. I mean yes. Yes that’s the one…”

James wiggled it at him.

Regulus took it.

James retreated to the kitchen.

“Thank you.” He said, but James’ back was turned.

He flipped the book in his hands and worried his tongue between his teeth. Then he glanced back at James, now putting groceries away, and back at the book. He read the blurb because he didn’t know what else to do. This was weird. James opened the fridge, packing it poorly, shoving stuff in, as if he wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. Regulus watched him. Why was he doing this? First the soup, now a book he’d mentioned wanting to read. He felt a sudden prickle of anger ignite in his stomach. James couldn’t have it both ways. He couldn’t ignore him, hate him, purposefully avoid him, then go out of his way to buy him a book, to cook him an entirely separate meal just because? Because why? What did he possibly expect to gain from this? What did he want? The wheels in his head spun as James moved about the kitchen, and Regulus couldn’t take his eyes off him. The book in his hands burned. This whole thing was dangerous. He should have bargained harder to stay in Montreal. When he’d taken the deal, this hadn’t been how he’d expected this summer to pan out. Though, when he really thought about it, what had he expected? That they’d be cordial? Friends? Or that they’d magically go back to what they were… No strings attached. Regulus couldn’t afford strings anymore, his hands were tied elsewhere.

“Don’t read it all at once.” James said, interrupting his panicked train of thought.

“What?” Regulus blurted.

“Your book. Don’t read it all in an hour. I know what you’re like.” It was almost kind. Almost affectionate. Butterflies flooded Regulus’ gut.

“Perhaps I will. Just to spite you.” He replied wittily, though his mouth was dry, his hands clammy. What was this? What was happening? Regulus had ruined it. He had ruined it at Christmas. James had ignored him ever since. Every text. Every attempted interaction. Every day since he’d arrived in Ontario. James hated him. Regulus was trying to learn to live with that. This wasn’t supposed to happen again. They weren’t allowed to do this. But God, did Regulus want them to do this…

“Don’t I know it.” James scoffed, and stepped out onto the deck.

*******

            The fire crackled and spat mildly in the firepit. Remus poked it affectionately with an iron rod, causing little hisses of smoke to billow into the night air. They sat around it, snuggled up on the padded seating, which curved around the fire, at perfect distance for sitting and roasting marshmallows. Safe to say, Sirius was devastated when Effie informed them that she hadn’t bought any. James’ parents bid them goodnight, and left them to it. Beers were poured and nursed. Mary lay with her head in Lily’s lap, a blanket cast over both of them. Remus sat stiffly, apparently his hip had been bothering him all day.

“You should walk more. You’re sitting for too long.” Sirius said bossily.

“You need to shut the fuck up.” Remus barked uncomfortably.

“Love you too babe.” Sirius cooed with a shake of his head and a fierce eyeroll.

Regulus pulled his own blanket tighter around his shoulders and wished he’d come up with a better excuse when Lily had insisted that he join them this evening. The conversation evolved, they discussed Marlene’s new girlfriend and how Mary and Pete both thought that she was exceptionally toxic.

“Are Marls and Pete coming up this summer?” Lily asked, looking down at her girlfriend.

Mary shrugged. “Prongs?”

James finished his beer and placed the bottle in a trug behind the seating. “Maybe, haven’t asked them yet.”

Regulus resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Marlene annoyed him. Mainly because she was so fucking loud. And Peter, Peter was all over James. Bloody obsessed with him. Not that Regulus had the right to be mad about that anymore. James wasn’t his anymore.

“You had any romantic flings this year, Prongs?” Mary asked with a grin.

Lily’s eyes flashed to Regulus’, sympathetically, subtly. He looked at James, who appeared suddenly sheepish, and his stomach plummeted. Fuck, he’s with someone else, Regulus thought, suddenly hot, suddenly nauseous. He knew this would happen eventually, because Jesus look at him? Gorgeous, massive, an athlete and the nicest person you’d ever come across, of course he was going to get with someone else. But then Sirius laughed outrageously.

“James Potter! In a relationship! Come off it McDonald, surely you know him better than that!”

“Padfoot.” James warned in a low voice, retrieving another beer from the cooler.

“Prongs barely has time to warm one bed before he’s sliding into another. Queen of one night stands this one.” Sirius boasted, slapping him hard on the shoulder. “I don’t think I could count how many people you’ve slept with this year?”

“Sirius shut the fuck up.” James said quietly, anger bubbling.

“January was your record for sure.”

“Padfoot shut up.” He growled, giving Sirius a look that conveyed something Regulus couldn’t read.

“What?!” Sirius said, frowning, hands spread defensively. “I’m not even exaggerating!”

Regulus’ cheeks burned. Because this was worse. This was so much fucking worse than James moving on. This was an answer to a question that had always flickered in the back of his mind. Am I just another hookup? It would seem, that this had answered that shitty little niggling question. And the answer was, yes. Yes, he was just another conquest. As he’d thought, and as he’d said and regretted, felt awful about for saying, and had torn him apart for months, after all of that, Regulus had been right: they were nothing. Perhaps there had been no need to ruin himself with guilt. James had clearly moved on with impeccable speed. He felt unbiddable tears burn at the corner of his eyes, and fuck was he thankful for the dark and the fire and the smoke. Regulus stared at the flames, ignoring the way James was staring at him, and waited for an appropriate time to bolt.

The conversation quickly turned to football, and they were soon laughing heartily about some stupid play gone wrong, miscommunication shit, Regulus didn’t know, he just knew he had to get out of there. He stood, discarded his blanket and began shuffling around the firepit. James and Sirius barely noticed, but Lily caught his hand and sat up.

She looked at him sincerely. “Don’t go.”

He was shaking his head before he even knew what he could possibly say. “I-I can’t stay here right now.” And then he fled. Slowly. Walking in measured serenity, fists balled, nails biting at his palms.

            Safely back in his room, he began to understand his own heart in a way he hadn’t ever allowed himself to before. He began to understand that James’ hatred for him wasn’t a figment of his anxiety, one he always thought was partly just his paranoia, his self-esteem, and in actual fact, was truth. James had moved on. James was fucking hoards of other people. James didn’t want him anymore. But Regulus was still in love with him. Regardless of how he’d convinced himself that he was over him, that he wasn’t bothered, that James just hated him because of what he’d said at Christmas, it was now clear that no. James just didn’t care about him like that anymore. He’d moved on. He was living his life, fucking around without a care in the world, and Regulus. Well.

            He slammed his bedroom door and pounded a fist on it, once, twice, a third time before he broke down, messily, fully, completely. He’d come here determined not be affected by him, not to want him anymore, not to reconcile any kind of situationship because of the Fall, because of where his life was headed. He thought he’d be able to handle it. Not having him. Not being his. But he’d been lying to himself, and he knew that, of course he did. But after tonight, it was real, now he had confirmation that this daydream, this fantasy was gone. Utterly gone. Yes, even if they had started something up again, it would have to have been short lived, with his promise to his father, but still, it would have been something. He would have known that James wanted him, despite Regulus’ behaviour at Christmas. But this was concrete. It was over. They were done.

*********

The next morning, the house arose early. Regulus could hear them all downstairs, making plans, laughing, messing around. He could hear Fleamont’s booming voice, talking to Sirius and James about their season, laughing broadly. Sirius was evidently reenacting moments from their games from the noises he was making and the crashing sounds that reverberated up the staircase as he threw himself onto the floor. Regulus hovered anxiously at his door. He couldn’t get himself to go downstairs, not with James all moved on and indifferent, despite what Lily had said, that James was a wreck, that he was hurting too. Clearly that wasn’t the case. James was fucking anything that moved and seemed pretty fucking happy about it. Despite the soup and the fucking book. Regulus could be hateful. After all, he’d learnt from the best. He could hate James right back. He could be over him. He could be done. Regulus swallowed, foot tapping against his calf where it rested, arms folded protectively, lingering in his doorway. Then he spotted Remus coming along the corridor from his room.

When he saw Regulus, he smiled. “Hey, you good?”

“Fine.” He smiled tightly.

“You coming down?”

Regulus shook his head. “Later. Maybe.” He looked away and Remus got the hint, using the banister to help him get downstairs, his walking stick in the other hand, favouring one hip. When he was out of sight, Regulus retreated, closing his bedroom door with a soft click.

            Not five minutes later, there was a knock. Regulus pushed himself off the floor, from the spot he’d crumpled during his first panic attack of the day. He padded quietly to the door and opened it a crack. His brother stood on the other side.

“What’s wrong?” Sirius asked abruptly.  “Moony said you were on the verge of a panic attack.”

Regulus stepped back, allowing Sirius inside. “I’m fine.”

“Clearly.” Sirius said sarcastically. Then he waited, when Regulus didn’t offer any further explanation, he spoke again. “What did you agree with father?”

“Nothing! I don’t know why you think I’ve agreed anything with Papa.” He turned and stomped to his unmade bed, climbing into it and staring back at his brother petulantly.

“Because I know him. I know how his psychotic brain works. There is no way on earth you’d be here, without offering something in return. So, what did you do?” Sirius wasn’t backing down, Regulus just looked at him stubbornly, tight lipped. “What did you give him?”

“There was nothing in return. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He tried to sound truthful, though it came out a little strangled.

“Regulus.”

“Sirius.” he echoed.

“You’re really not going to tell me?” Sirius scoffed a frustrated laugh and began to pace. “Jesus Reggie how bad is it? Did you sign away the rest of your life?”

Regulus stayed quiet, clenching his jaw, and looked down at the floor.

Sirius stopped and paled, jaw going slack. “Tell me you didn’t.”

Regulus said nothing.

“You’ve got to be fucking joking. Regulus. What did you do?!” he asked gravely.

Regulus lifted his shoulders to his ears defensively. “I did it for you!”

Sirius went very still. “Dear god Reggie, what did you do?”

“I got you out. Okay?” he snapped, frustrated tears bubbling, though he fought desperately to keep them in. “Papa is going to pay you off. To leave.” He omitted the rest. He didn’t want Sirius to explode into a million pieces. He had to ease him into the other conditions.

Sirius frowned. “You what?” he asked, in disbelief.

“You’re free. Just like you wanted.” He tipped his chin up defiantly.

Sirius closed his eyes momentarily, perplexed, confused and absolutely terrified. “Reggie I’m already cut loose. Father knows that. He knows he has no control over me. I don’t need you to get me out! They have nothing over my head. I simply keep Remus a secret for my own fucking sanity, until I can get you out. Jesus fuck!” Sirius was pacing now. “He has no hold over me, Reggie! He has fucking played you, what else did you fucking agree to?”

Regulus swallowed nervously. His heart thudded. Had he been played? Had their father manipulated him into signing his own arranged marriage? His own shacklement to the company. “I…”

“Please tell me you haven’t signed anything.” Sirius begged, a hand in his hair. Regulus opened his mouth, lifting his shoulders. “FUCK!” Sirius shouted, one hand balled into a fist, placed between his teeth. Regulus helplessly watched his brother pace.

“I thought I was helping you!”

“You’ve signed your own death warrant, you know that right?” Sirius snapped.

Regulus stared at him.

“Why didn’t you just fucking sneak out with me when I told you to! Why did you have to go and play fucking hero!”

“Where do you think I get that from Siri? Hmm?” Regulus yelled back.

“This is so fucking bad.”

“Can we change it?” he asked in a voice suddenly too young for him.

Sirius laughed. “How? How Regulus? When you’ve signed the damn contract?”

“I don’t know why you’re mad at me!” he shouted, knees drawn up to his chest, hands flailing about expressively. “I was trying to help you! They have been so awful to you, I was trying to save you! I-” he cut himself off from saying I have nothing left now that I ruined the one good thing I had going for me, so I thought why not give in to them, if it meant you got out, if it meant you got your happiness. He didn’t dare confess the extent of the conditions he had agreed with their father.

“I don’t need you to save me!” Sirius laughed, still pacing, stress oozing out of him, “Fuck.” He breathed, pausing at the window. “Just. Just let me think.”

After a long agonising silence, he watched Sirius pull out his phone. “What are you doing?”

“Calling Uncle Alphard.” Sirius said over his shoulder as he raised the phone to his ear.

Chapter Text

Chapter Twenty Two

On the evening of the third day back at the lake, Sirius and Remus went to bed early and but ended up having the worst fight they’d ever had. Sirius wasn’t even sure what had started it. One minute they’d been in bed, breathing heavily, skin slick, and the next they’d been shouting. Wait. That was a lie. He knew exactly what had started it, he just didn’t want to admit that it had been his fault. He tried to blame it on the fact that they were tired, tensions were high, that he was stressed about Regulus, worried about his mental state, his weight, whatever fucking deal he’d made with their father. But really, it was just Sirius being a prick, taking his anger and anxieties out on the only person who would literally go to the ends of the earth for him. He regretted it as soon as it had begun, but being a Black, he was too stubborn to back down, admit defeat or put his hand up and say he was wrong. So instead, everything imploded.

Sirius was propped on one elbow, phone glowing dimly, half-scrolling, half-watching the way Remus’ chest rose and fell as he tried to catch his breath. Remus shifted and winced, using his hand to help lift his leg, whilst clenching his teeth in pain.

“If you actually went to physio, you wouldn’t struggle so much,” Sirius said, not even looking up. The words left his mouth too easily, they had intended them to come off as a lighthearted jab, as merely something to fill the quiet. It was supposed to be a joke, but Remus didn’t laugh. Sirius glanced over at him, but his boyfriend had gone very still. That was the first warning sign. He couldn’t say why, but Sirius decided to poke the bear, which in retrospect had been a terrible, terrible idea. “What?” Sirius said. “Don’t like that I’m right?”

Remus shook his head slowly. “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” Sirius scoffed. “Make a joke? God forbid, Moony!”

“But it’s not a fucking joke Sirius, is it? You mean it.” Remus said flatly.

Sirius rolled his eyes, already irritated and locked his phone, throwing it dramatically down on the bed beside him. “Christ, Moons, it’s not that deep.”

“It is to me.”

That was the second warning sign. Sirius ploughed straight through it like a fucking freight train.

“Oh come on,” he said with a smirk. “I’m just saying. You skip half your appointments and then act surprised when-”

“Stop it.” Remus pushed himself up on one elbow. “You don’t get to talk about my body like that.” He sat up completely and reached for his pyjama bottoms, pulling them on. “You have no idea what it’s like. You’re a fucking athlete, you pull a muscle and you cry about it. Some days I can’t even sit in a chair.”

Sirius laughed, short and incredulous. “My god, you sound like my mother.”

Remus flinched.

“Well?” Sirius said, unable to stop himself. At this point he was digging his own grave. “If the shoe fits.”

“That was fucking low,” Remus said quietly.

“Low?” Sirius snapped. “I’m not the one refusing help and then sulking about it.”

Remus was standing now, favouring one side of his body, his hand out on the wall, bracing himself as he worked his hip in small circles, attempting to loosen it. “I’m not sulking.”

“You are!” Sirius shot back. “You’ve been shutting me out for weeks.”

“Oh, that’s rich, coming from you!”

Sirius swung his legs off the bed, sitting on the edge, agitation permeating through every pore in his body. “We can’t even.” He stopped himself, then barrelled on anyway. “We can’t even get through a single night without it being weird.”

Remus huffed and shook his head, suddenly quiet. “So that’s what this is about. You not getting all your fucking sexual obscenities fulfilled. Well, I’m sorry my body doesn’t do what you want it to do Sirius. Funnily enough, it’s pretty fucking annoying for me too!”

“For fuck’s sake, don’t twist my words, Moony. That’s not what I meant.”

“I’m not twisting anything,” Remus said, voice tight. “You’re frustrated. I get it. You’ve made that very clear.”

“That’s not what I meant.” Sirius yelled, pulling on a pair of boxers. It felt weird to have a full blown argument completely naked.

“Then what did you mean?” Remus spat, arms folded, one eyebrow raised as if he already knew the answer.

Sirius scoffed, opened his mouth and closed it, then briefly closed his eyes and spoke. “I meant that everything is a minefield lately, whatever I do you just… you’re so bloody angry Moons. I can’t say anything without you looking at me like I’ve kicked a puppy.”

“Maybe that’s because you keep kicking,” Remus snapped back.

Sirius dragged a hand through his hair. “I’m just trying to help you.”

“No,” Remus said. “You’re trying to manage me.”

“Because you won’t manage yourself!” Sirius yelled, throwing a hand towards him, across the bed which had become a void, a no man’s land.

“That’s not fair.”

“You skip physio, you don’t do your exercises, you insist you don’t need your pain meds, you pretend it doesn’t matter, and then you’re shocked when things don’t magically improve!”

Remus walked towards the window, movements stiff. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to sit in that room and be told, again, and again and again that this is just how it’s going to be? That it’s never going to get any better.”

Sirius faltered. “I’m just saying you can’t give up.”

“I’m not giving up.”

“You are!” Sirius said harshly. “You are Remus. And it scares the hell out of me.”

Remus’ expression hardened hurtfully. “So this is about you.”

“Moony. Come on.”

Remus laughed cruelly and shrugged. “No Sirius. You’re the one who turned my disability into an excuse for talking about your anxiety.”

Sirius felt himself unleash the monster of self-preservation before he could shove it back down into the hole, he kept it in. “At least I’m not hiding behind it, letting everyone else pussy-foot around me for sympathy!”

Remus stared at him, eyes dark. “You think I’m hiding?” his voice was quiet, almost disbelieving.

“I think you’re using it,” Sirius said, and immediately wished he could swallow the words back down. “Like a shield. Like an excuse.”

Remus barked a humourless laugh. “You don’t seem to have any idea how insulting that is. Fuck me Sirius… I feel like I don’t even know you anymore.”

Sirius was breathing hard now, the fear had taken hold. Had he pushed too far? Were they past the point of no return? “You never let me in.” he said defensively.

“That’s because you don’t listen to me!” Remus shot back. “You barge in, make noise, decide you know best, and call it caring.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“No,” Remus said. “It’s a pattern, Sirius.”

Sirius shook his head, rooted to the spot “You know what hurts? Watching you disappear piece by piece, pretending you’re not, and then expecting me to just be fine with it.”

“And you think yelling at me is going to fix that?” Remus shouted back. He looked exhausted. Guilt tore at Sirius’ insides, but they were in too deep now. He had to say everything he’d been holding in.

“I think pretending nothing’s wrong sure as hell won’t.”

Remus folded his arms protectively. “You don’t get to micromanage my body.”

“And you don’t get to pretend this doesn’t affect me!” Sirius yelled.

The words echoed. They both stopped, the fight felt suddenly enormous and ugly and dangerously close to a precipice.

Remus spoke first, voice low. “This isn’t just about physio, is it?”

Sirius laughed bitterly. “No kidding.”

“Is this about Regulus?”

Sirius’ jaw clenched hatefully. “Why on earth would this be about Regulus?”

“You’re wound so tight you’re snapping at everyone,” Remus said. “Including me. Especially me. It’s not fair, Sirius.”

“Because I’m worried!” Sirius snapped. “Because he’s not okay and I can’t do anything about it!”

“And somehow that’s my fault?”

“No!” Sirius said, then hesitated. “But you disappearing doesn’t help.”

Remus stared at him. “I am not your brother.”

“I know that.”

“Then stop treating me like a problem you can fix if you just push me hard enough.”

Something in Sirius cracked. “I can’t lose him,” he said, voice breaking. “I can’t lose you.”

Remus softened momentarily, then he shook his head. “You don’t get to bulldoze me into a corner and force me into your mould just because you’re scared.”

Sirius scoffed as his wounded pride flared. “You always do this. You keep everything locked up and then blame me for knocking, begging to be let in, begging for you to talk to me.”

“And you always do this!” Remus fired back. “You turn your brashness into intimacy and then try to call it honesty.” They stared at each other, exhausted and furious. But he’d had enough, and they were getting nowhere. Nowhere that could be classed as resolution anyway.

Sirius grabbed his hoodie off the chair. “I can’t do this right now.”

“Fine,” Remus said quickly. “Run away. You’re good at that!”

That one stung. “Fuck you.”

With that, he stormed out, slamming the door hard. He took the stairs two at a time, heart pounding, anger and guilt coursing through him. He paced the ground floor once, twice, then shoved open the door to one of the spare bedrooms at the back of the house and collapsed onto the bed without turning on the light. Sirius lay staring at the ceiling, hot tears streaking down his cheeks as he replayed every word he shouldn’t have said and knowing, with a sick certainty, that this fight had been waiting for them a long time.

******

            The next day, Remus wouldn’t speak to him. Fine. Sirius thought venomously. Two could play at that game. So, he ignored Remus right back, and holy hell did everyone else pay for it.

“Fucking throw properly Prongs! Jesus! It’s like playing with a high schooler!” he shouted across the lawn as he launched the ball back at his best friend.

“Grow up Padfoot!” James yelled back, catching the ball easily and resettling it in his right hand.

Sirius watched him back up and realised the idiot was going to throw it long. He started running, watching it arc and realising he was never going to get to it in time. The football landed with a thud behind Regulus and Lily, sat on crumpled blankets. Remus sat to the side, fiercely ignoring him. Sirius pretended he hadn’t even seen him.

“For fuck’s sake, Pads!” James yelled. “Eyes up!”

“Maybe don’t throw it like you’re mad at me!” Sirius replied.

“Then maybe stop whining and acting like a sulky child!” James mimicked.

Football on the lawn didn’t last much longer.

******

They sat down for lunch outside on the decking. A spread of meats, cheeses and bread lay across the table, napkins rustling in the gentle breeze which rolled off the lake. Effie and Monty were at friends’ for lunch locally, so it was just the six of them sitting down to eat. Sirius sat as far away from Remus as he could, choosing to sit by his brother in the hope that he could get him to actually eat more than two mouthfuls of anything. The kid was wasting away, but they only had their mother to blame for that. The toxic psycho.

Remus sat opposite Lily with careful movements. He didn’t look at Sirius. Sirius didn’t look at him. they could play this game all day. They had before. Lily called it toxic, Sirius called it an exquisite game of chicken. James was already there, elbows on the table, sunglasses pushed up into his hair. He reached for the bread, tore off a piece.

“So,” Mary said brightly, far too brightly. “This looks… lovely.”

No one answered.

Sirius grabbed a slice of cheese and slapped it onto his plate. “Thrilling commentary, Mary.”

She shot him a look. “Bore off Black, just because you’re in a mood.”

“It’s hot,” Sirius said. “I’m fucking sweaty.”

Remus reached for the olives and winced, James moved them closer to him instinctively.

Lily cleared her throat. “James,” she said, clearly trying to ignite some kind of conversation. “How long have your parents have been together?”

James shifted and inhaled thoughtfully, dragged out of wherever he’d been. “Uh. Forever?”

Lily smiled. “I mean it. They’re really sweet together.”

“Married since college.” James said. “Met whilst dad was playing hockey at McGill. He chased her for a while, she put him in his place, you know.”

“That tracks,” Sirius muttered.

Lily laughed softly. “I just think it’s nice. You know? To be with someone that long. To still like each other.”

“To still choose each other,” Mary added.

Sirius noticed Remus bristle across the table. He reached for his drink and took a long sip and definitely didn’t meet Sirius’ eye. Sirius looked away.

“Must take honesty,” Lily went on. “And kindness. Empathy.”

Sirius snorted before he could stop himself. “Honesty’s overrated.”

Remus looked up then, eyes sharp. “Funny. I’d say it’s essential.”

“You’d say so?” Sirius shot back.

“I would. Some people think being ‘honest’ just means saying whatever they want without consequence.” Remus commented coolly. “And some people, perhaps those same people, use humour to avoid saying anything real at all,”

Lily hesitated, the atmosphere thick enough to be sliced with a knife, but trying to diffuse the tension, she added, “I just meant that relationships take work.”

“They do,” Remus said. “Especially when one person thinks being obnoxiously loud is the same as putting in real effort.”

Sirius shook his head, leaning back in his chair aggressively. “And when one person thinks silence is a virtue.”

Mary shifted in her chair. “Okay, wow.”

Sirius’ eye flashed to his right as Regulus excused himself. He never could handle conflict, whenever Sirius argued with their parents, Regulus would always make himself scarce. Sirius didn’t care. Let him run away. Everyone else did. Sirius was always the one to fight everyone’s battles, but who was there fighting his?

“Communication matters,” Remus said, voice even, eyes fixed on Sirius now. “Listening matters.”

“Right,” Sirius said. “And so does not vanishing every time something gets uncomfortable.”

“I don’t vanish.”

“You disappear off the face of the fucking planet.” Sirius snapped, perching forwards.

“I set boundaries.”

“You shut people out.”

Remus’ jaw clenched. “Because you bloody trample them before they’ve had a chance to open their mouths!”

James dropped his knife with a clatter. “Jesus.”

Lily’s smile had gone tight. “Maybe this isn’t the best lunch topic.”

Sirius leaned back, folding his arms. “Don’t worry. I’m done.”

“So am I,” Remus said.

Awkwardness suffocated all birdsong. A jet ski whizzed by across the bay.

“Well,” Mary said. “I promised Effie I’d get those desserts in the fridge before they got back.”

“Yeah,” Lily said quickly. “I’ll come and help you.”

James didn’t move. He just stared at the table. Within moments, the decking was empty. Sirius stayed seated in fury, heat crawling up his neck. Across from him, Remus stood, chair scraping loudly as he pushed it back.

“I’m going for a walk,” Remus said.

“Of course you are,” Sirius muttered.

Remus paused, just for a second, then left.

Sirius stared after him, the quiet ringing in his ears now absolutely deafening. He’d really gone and done it this time.

******

            That night, Sirius traipsed along the upstairs corridor and barged into the bedroom he shared with his boyfriend. Closing the door behind him, he locked eyes with Remus, who was sat on the end of the bed in a towel. His eyes were puffy which broke Sirius. He hated the fact that he found it so easy to hurt Remus. Remus who loved him so fiercely. Remus who forgave him so easily. Crossing the room, he dropped to his knees at Remus’ feet.

“Please let me suck your dick?” he said, doe eyed.

A muscle in Remus’ jaw jumped and he stared down at him. “You can’t just use sex in place of an apology.”

Sirius plonked his head on Remus’ knee like a dog and kept his eyes fixed upwards, all doughy and silent. He was done arguing, but he never made the first apology. Ever. Perhaps that was one of his many red flags. But he was also steadfastly stubborn, and adverse to change, so that was tough luck really. Then he kissed Remus’ thigh over and over, moving upwards, nudging his legs apart, but only moving the good one, until he got to Remus’ dick which he mouthed through the towel. “Moons.” He whined.

“I’m so fucking mad at you.” Remus said, though his voice shook and his legs parted a little more.

Sirius continued to kiss and nuzzle him. “I know.” he said softly as he slid his hands up to open the towel. Remus was already half hard. He pressed his lips to his cock, and looked up at him. His boyfriend was watching him open mouthed, but scowling ferociously. Remus balled his hands in the bedsheets. Sirius exhaled, pressing his nose and lips to Remus’ cock as it hardened. “Darling.” He whispered, kissing it sparingly.

“Fuck.” Remus sighed and shook his head. “You were really fucking cruel, you know that?”

“So were you.” Sirius mused as he licked from the base to the tip, hands braced on Remus’ thighs.

An intake of breath. “Huh. Funny. That didn’t sound like an apology.” He scoffed, moaning low.

Sirius sat back on his heels and cocked his head to one side. “Does this not look like an apology?”

“You’re fucking unbelievable. You know that?” Remus said, seething with residual anger. Sirius could feel it resonating off him.

But Sirius just shrugged and took Remus into his mouth, sinking down to the base and smiling at the guttural sounds his boyfriend made. Then, he drew off and circled his tongue over the head menacingly, grey eyes glinting in the light of the full moon, shining through the large floor to ceiling windows. Sirius whined again, lips poised on the head, watching him, hands behind his back.

“God. I fucking hate you.” Remus moaned as he placed a hand in Sirius’ hair, pushing his head back down as he swallowed him. “But I love you even more. Fuck,” he moaned again, tightening his grip in the long black curls. “And even still. If you think this will get an apology out of me, you’d be wrong. You’d have more luck of that if you stay kneeling on that floor every night for the next seven weeks-fuck!” he cut himself off with a shuddering breath.

Sirius pulled off again, licking teasingly. “Or you could just do your fucking exercises.”

Remus pulled Sirius’ head back forcefully by his hair, exposing his throat and leant down, kissing it, sucking a mark under his jaw. “Or you could mind your own fucking business.”

Sirius grinned. “But I love you.”

“I love you too. But. If you ever compare me to your mother again, I swear to God, we’re done.”

Sirius laughed, head still pulled back, Remus’ other hand now around his throat, squeezing gently. “Got it.” He said, still grinning. He loved Remus like this, sometimes he wondered whether he subconsciously baited Remus into fights just to get him like this.

His boyfriend smirked and narrowed his eyes. “Now I thought you were down there to suck my dick?”

*******

The firepit crackled and snapped as Remus prodded the embers. James lifted another log into the flames and they both sat back. They all sat comfortably around it, snuggled up on the padded seating, which curved around the fire, at perfect distance for sitting and roasting marshmallows. Safe to say, Sirius was devastated when Effie informed them that she hadn’t bought any. James’ parents bid them goodnight, and left them to it. Beers were poured and nursed. Mary lay with her head in Lily’s lap, a blanket cast over both of them. Remus sat stiffly.

“You should walk more. You’re sitting for too long.” Sirius said bossily. Poke poke poke. He couldn’t help himself.

“You need to shut the fuck up.” Remus barked uncomfortably, but Sirius caught the way he forced his smile down and shook his head as he supressed a chuckle.

“Love you too babe.” Sirius cooed with a fierce eyeroll. God, he loved him. The stubborn mule. He spent the next few minutes, entirely tuned out of the conversation, staring at Remus obsessively until he heard Mary ask James whether he was romantically involved with anyone. Sirius barked a laugh, and leant forwards. “James Potter! In a relationship! Come off it McDonald, surely you know him better than that!”

“Padfoot.” James warned in a low voice, retrieving another beer from the cooler.

Damn guy was being modest. He was a stud. Toronto’s own stag. “Prongs barely has time to warm one bed before he’s sliding into another. Queen of one night stands this one.” Sirius boasted, slapping him hard on the shoulder and laughing. “I don’t think I could count how many people you’ve slept with this year?”

“Sirius shut the fuck up.” James said quietly, anger bubbling.

“January was your record for sure.” Sirius continued, not clocking the expression on James’ face.

“Padfoot shut up.” He growled, shooting Sirius a vicious look.

“What?!” Sirius said, frowning, hands spread defensively. “I’m not even exaggerating!” why was James being so cagey about this? Usually, he was the first one to brag about hooking up with people? In the locker rooms him and Benjy were absolute menaces. Why now was he trying to act like a bloody saint? Sirius sat back against the sofa heavily and folded his arms. Lord, he wished they had marshmallows.

Soon, the conversation turned to football. “That McMaster game,” Sirius said, shaking his head. “You remember that play in the third?”

James grimaced. “Which one? The one where you ran the wrong route or the one where I nearly died?”

“I did not run the wrong route,” Sirius gasped, mortally offended. “You called it wrong!”

“I called a slant.”

Sirius almost stood up. “You pointed vaguely and yelled something no fucker could hear!””

Mary snorted. “Excellent communication. Truly elite.”

James smiled with bashful sarcasm. “All I know is I threw the ball, expected Pads to be there, and instead I watched it sail directly into the hands of a very grateful linebacker.”

Sirius lifted his bottle with a fake gesture of cheers. “You’ve only yourself to thank for that!”

“And then,” James continued, laughing, “the next play I get absolutely flattened. Like. Stars. Whole stadium went quiet.”

Lily winced. “That was awful. I hated that. You shouldn’t be allowed to hit people that hard.”

“Oh come on,” Mary said. “That was barely anything. I thought it’d be way more violent.”

Remus hummed. “And that, Mary, is exactly why hockey is superior.”

Sirius and James spoke at the same time.

“Blasphemy!”

“Moony! Take that back!”

“Hockey has fights built in,” Remus said calmly. “You lose teeth.”

“Football has strategy,” Sirius shot back. “And elegance.”

James nodded fervently. “And heroic suffering.”

Mary raised an eyebrow with a lopsided smirk “You cry when you get tackled.”

“I do not cry,” James said. “I gasp dramatically.”

Lily looked back to them after saying something to Regulus who had taken himself to bed without so much as a word to any of them. Sulk away Reggie, Sirius thought with a roll of his eyes.

“I still think it’s too rough.”

“Too rough?” Sirius scoffed. “Lils, I’ve seen you elbow people for less.”

“But, those are always justified,” she said primly.

Remus smiled into his drink. “Well, one thing’s for certain. Hockey players don’t complain this much.”

James leaned back, offended. “We are artists.”

“Gladiators,” Sirius corrected.

“Idiots,” Mary added.

Sirius clinked his bottle against James’. “Idiots with winning records.”

James grinned, firelight catching in his eyes. “Worth every sack.”

*********

The phone rang. Sirius paced. Regulus sat stoically on the bed. The morning sun shone in shards through the windows as it ascended above the house. It was a Wednesday, so their uncle was likely in the office. Sirius hoped to God he was anyway. How useful it was to have a close family member, well, an estranged family member who Sirius was very fond of, as a lawyer. The click of the receiver signalled he’d picked up.

“Sirius!” Uncle Alphard’s jovial tone rang through the phone speaker. “To what do I owe this pleasure?”

“I need your help. Reggie’s done something really fucking stupid.” Sirius said gravely, glaring at his little brother.

“Ah.” Uncle Alphard said with a sigh. “This is my brother-in-law’s doing, is it not?”

“The very same.” Sirius confirmed. He walked to the window at the back of the room that looked over the driveway, up to the road and ignored the way Regulus tracked him from where he sat cross legged on the bed, hands anxiously clasped.

“Tell me everything.”

Sirius did.

Uncle Alphard summarised the information and sought for clarity. “Sirius, what exactly has Regulus agreed to? I need to know each and every term of the deal.”

Sirius pulled the phone from his ear and repeated the question to Regulus with remarkable sass. “I need to know everything Reggie.” He added.

Regulus exhaled nervously. “Well, my terms were that you’d be cut loose, and that I could come to Muskoka for the summer.”

Sirius’ eyes widened in disbelief. “That’s it?” he tried not to raise his voice. “You sold your life over for me and a fucking summer vacation?”

He watched Regulus redden and looked down and Sirius just knew there was something he wasn’t telling him. but then a cloud of frustration passed over Regulus’ eyes. “You know what Sirius? Fuck you. I was just trying to help you!”

“Not very well, clearly.” Sirius said sarcastically.

“Boys.” Uncle Alphard grumbled down the line. “Leave the domestic for later. This is important, I need to know what Orion’s terms were.”

Sirius looked at Regulus as if to say go on then!

Regulus swallowed and looked out of the window. “I have to maintain my grades and complete my degree. Then I have to begin an internship with papa’s company.”

“In Montreal?” Sirius interrupted, heart beginning to thud fearfully.

To his dismay, his little brother shook his head. “In France. Where I am to be integrated into the company, and meet this Dubois girl. Who papa has intended for me to marry.”

“Fuck off.” Sirius scoffed. Then spoke directly to their uncle. “You see? Fucked up spectacularly.”

“Now, Sirius, let us be sympathetic. My brother-in-law can be incredibly persuasive.” Alphard said democratically. He hummed thoughtfully down the line, the sound accompanied by the scratch of a fountainpen. “All right. So we have conditional consideration on both sides. Regulus receives your emancipation from family funding pressure, and temporary freedom of movement. In exchange, Orion secures the future laborious investment of his son, and subsequently Regulus’ geographic relocation, and to top it all off, an implied marital alliance. He definitely came away with the fruitful end of the stick.”

“Fuck it sounds evil when you say it like that,” Sirius muttered, scrubbing a hand over his face. Regulus hadn’t said anything.

“It is evil,” Alphard replied pleasantly. “But unfortunately, it is also rather tidy.”

Sirius shot his brother a look, then turned back to the window. “But you can get him out of it, right?”

A pause. Longer this time. “I did not say that,” Alphard said carefully. “I said I would look into it.”

Sirius’ grip tightened on the phone. “He was coerced, Alphard.”

“Mmm.” Their uncle did not sound convinced. “Coercion is difficult to prove when the party in question is legally competent, educated, of age and signed without protest.”

“I protested,” Regulus said quietly.

Sirius shushed him. “He protested apparently. Though that was likely just in his head.”

“That, tragically, does not hold up in court,” Alphard replied dryly. “Did your father put any of this in writing?”

“Yes,” Regulus said. “There was a contract.”

Sirius spun around. “There was a contract?”

Regulus winced. “It wasn’t, it wasn’t notarised. It was drafted by papa’s solicitor. But…I signed it.”

Alphard inhaled slowly through his nose. “Ah.”

“That ‘ah’ sounds bad,” Sirius said.

“Merely realistic,” Alphard corrected. “A written agreement, even an informal one, carries weight. Especially when performance has already begun.”

“Performance?” Sirius repeated sharply.

“You came to Muskoka,” Alphard said. “You got your end of the bargain, Regulus. Which implies acceptance.”

Regulus’ hands twisted together in his lap. Sirius saw red. “He’s not even twenty-one!”

“But still legally an adult,” Alphard said gently. “I know. I know. I don’t like it either.”

“So what,” Sirius snapped, “he’s just stuck? That’s it? He just has to go marry some girl and play happy families pretending to be some little French businessman?”

“Do not put words in my mouth,” Alphard said pointedly, authoritatively. “What I am saying is that this will not be quick, and it will not be clean.”

Sirius dragged a hand through his hair. “Jesus Christ.”

“There are avenues,” Alphard continued. “We can examine unconscionability. Whether the terms are excessively one-sided. We can look at undue influence. Orion has a long history of… dominance.”

“That’s one word for it,” Sirius muttered.

“But,” Alphard went on, “your brother did receive something of value. Namely, your freedom.”

Sirius closed his eyes. “Don’t say it like that.”

“I must,” Alphard replied. “This is not about how it feels. This is about how it reads.”

Regulus finally spoke again. “What if I just… don’t go?”

Sirius looked at him as if he were stupid.

Alphard sighed. “Then your father will retaliate. Financially, socially, reputationally. And given his resources, he will do so effectively.”

“So Reggie does what father wants and ruins his own life. No choice about it.” Sirius said flatly.

“Potentially,” Alphard agreed.

Sirius stared at the floor, at the way the sunlight cut across the rug, thinking about all the things Regulus never said out loud. All the things he swallowed to keep the peace in that hell house they grew up in. “Is there anything,” Sirius said finally, voice lower, “that doesn’t end with him getting fucked over?”

“Yes,” Alphard said. “Time.”

Sirius frowned. “Time?”

“Leave it with me,” Alphard said. “I need to see the document. I need to review Orion’s exact language. Men like your father pride themselves on precision, but they are also arrogant. Arrogance breeds loopholes.”

Regulus looked up hopefully. “So there might be a way?”

“There might,” Alphard said. “No promises. But I will try.”

Sirius swallowed hard. “Thank you.”

“Do not thank me yet,” Alphard replied. “And Sirius?”

“Yeah?”

“Do not confront your father. Not yet. Say nothing. Do nothing. Let him believe the leash is still firmly secured.”

Sirius’ mouth twisted and he spoke honestly. “That’ll be hard. He’s my next call.”

“I know,” Alphard said softly. “But you have always been terrible at keeping your opinions to yourself. You must refrain.”

Sirius released what might have been a laugh. “Understatement of the century.”

“I will be in touch,” Alphard said. “Soon. Tell Regulus to keep his head down.”

Sirius looked at his brother, small and rigid on the bed. “You hear that?”

Regulus nodded. “Yes.”

The line went dead. Sirius lowered the phone slowly. The room felt too quiet now, something had been removed. “You signed your life away,” Sirius said, not looking at him.

Regulus’ voice was barely audible. “I didn’t see much value in it in the first place.”

“Fucking hell, Regulus.” Sirius groaned, pocketing his phone and continuing to pace the room, whilst his little brother watched him. How long were they going to have to wait? He’d never been one for patience. He’d go mad with thoughts of what might or might not happen before their uncle had even had the chance to locate the document. Fuck it, if it came to it, he’d just kidnap Regulus, take him somewhere their father couldn’t find him. He could do that. Fuck college. Being a felon wouldn’t be so bad, as long as it meant Regulus was free to live his life away from that house of psychos. He sighed and sat down beside his baby brother. The bed gave with a sprung twang. Then he spoke with gravity. “I hope you realise how bad this is.”

Regulus just nodded and looked at the floor.

Chapter Text

Chapter Twenty Three

James watched as Regulus pushed food around his plate for the fourth evening in a row. Had he eaten anything at all? His stomach knotted at the thought of Regulus harming himself day after day just to try an ease the pit of anxiety which raged around his body. James ate another mouthful and clocked how Regulus raised his fork to his mouth, and lowered it shortly after, pushed food around, and repeated the movement. It was practiced. Perfected even, as if it were a craft he’d been honing for years. Clearly, he was terrifyingly good at it.

The other thing that plagued him, was the sight of Regulus in his jersey. In the jersey he’d given to him twice, the one he’d kissed him in after they’d had sex night after night last summer. The one he’d told him to never try and give back to him again in October. The one Regulus had informed him, brutally, that he was going to throw out. That jersey. The one with James’ name and number on the back and the subsequent text that had truly shattered the last piece of James’ heart.

He’d stood in the doorway of Regulus’ bedroom, and his stomach had lurched nauseously when there he was, knelt beside his closest, in that same jersey. Nothing but James’ jersey and a pair of boxers. Looking just like he had last summer when James had lifted him onto the counter and kissed him raw. For a moment he hadn’t been able to speak.

Over the past few months, he’d forced himself to come to terms with the fact that they were over, that Regulus wanted nothing to do with him. James had tapped nervously at his steering wheel all the way to the airport, preparing to at least try and say hi, to not make it awkward, to be civil. But the moment he’d seen him, his heart had wrenched itself clean from his chest and he just hadn’t had the strength to meet his eyes. So yes, it had been cowardly to completely ignore him. He knew that. But it hurt too much to attempt the alternative. To attempt to be nothing but cordial.

Perhaps it was best if he pretended to hate Regulus back just as fiercely as the dark haired man with the pale grey eyes seemed to hate him.

Yet, that didn’t stop him from thinking about Regulus every night in bed, in the shower, at every point in the day. He was obsessed. Still. Regardless of how Regulus had kicked him to the curb. If he’d have him, James would crawl back to him on his knees and forgive him over and over again. Which was precisely why he stayed as far away from Regulus as he possibly could. He knew that he should have more self-respect, more restraint, and to be fair to himself, he had over the past few months, but now, being confronted by the sight of him every single day, just made James want to throw any shred of self-respect out the window.

And then the jersey happened.

And James almost lost himself entirely to thoughts of grey eyes and jet black hair.

Which is how he’d ended up making tomato soup from scratch, along with a grilled cheese of course, late one evening, after telling his parents he was still hungry but really tired and so he was going to take his evening snack up to his room and watch TV on his own. James hated lying more than anything else, unless perhaps to himself, of which that was sometimes necessary to keep his sanity. But to his family, he despised it. Sheepishly, he retreated upstairs and paused outside Regulus’ door. He raised his hand to knock, and reconsidered. This was brash, was it not? Assuming. Arrogant.

“Fuck.” He whispered, hand still raised.

He deliberated, then set the tray down, knocked and quickly backed away to his own room, clicking the door closed and resting a closed fist on the back of it. Now, that was cowardly. He knew that. It took nothing for him to say, I made this for you, I know it’s your favourite. But for some reason that felt nigh impossible. He’d take the hardest sack he’d ever suffered over and over again rather than wait for Regulus to answer the door and reject him once again. That was something he certainly couldn’t handle a second time.

Without waiting to check whether the offering had been accepted, he threw himself on to the couch and switched on his TV, scrolling through Netflix until he found something mind numbing enough to distract him.

He’d fallen asleep to thoughts of soft sighs and grey eyes.

*******

            Effie asked him to go into town the next day to stock up on groceries for the week so he’d taken requests from his rabble of friends and climbed into the old beaten up blue truck. No one had requested anything outlandish, chocolate, marshmallows, a restock of chips for evening snacks. The usual. James hadn’t asked Regulus, he hadn’t emerged yet and James didn’t feel like walking in on him in his number and a pair of boxers again. That had caused him enough trouble last night.

The drive to town took about twenty minutes and the views along the route never disappointed. He passed lush forest trickling down to the shores of Lake Joseph where little boats and jet skis skimmed across the strikingly blue water. The sun climbed steadily into the sky, blazingly warm, cicadas awakening from their nightly hideaways. That morning, it seemed the residents of Muskoka were enjoying the lazy summer starts to the day because James saw barely a handful of cars on his drive, and even less in the supermarket when he parked. It didn’t take him long to grab everything on the reasonably long list his mother had given him and he loaded the backseat of the truck up with bags of groceries before climbing back into the driver’s seat, choosing some music for the drive home, and pulling away. But as he pulled onto the main road, his eye found a sign for a little bookstore tucked between the edge of the forest and a hardware store. It must have been new, because he had never known a bookstore to be in this particular town before. Unwittingly, he found himself pulling into the little parking lot. He cut the engine and slid out of the truck. They probably wouldn’t even have it. Knowing Regulus, it was some really obscure book that no one, but he had heard of. James was none the wiser, he hadn’t picked up a book in years.

            Clearly, he looked as much of a fish out of water as he felt, because the store clerk approached him almost immediately.

“Morning! How can I help you out?” a middle aged woman with pink cheeks and a kind smile asked him inquisitively.

James smiled, doubting himself. “I’m looking for a book, for a friend of mine. Secret something. Gee I can’t believe I’ve forgotten the title.” He scrunched his face up and looked around, hoping it would jump out at him.

“Oof that’s not much to go on!” she laughed brashly, “any idea who the author is?”

That James definitely couldn’t say. He’d still been in his I’m vehemently ignoring Regulus stage when the conversation had taken place. Then following the dinner conversation, he’d witnessed jersey-gate and suddenly all his resolve had flown out the window, and he entered the I need Regulus in my bed stage. Which tragically, seemed to be the stage he was now stuck in. Permanently. “Urm.” He thought hard. “Dolly? Darlene?”

The clerk’s face lit up. “I know exactly the book you’re thinking of.” She disappeared down an aisle of bookshelves and returned with a beige book. “A Secret History by Donna Tartt.”

“That’s it.” He said in disbelief, taking the book. “Wow, that was seriously impressive.”

She hummed a soft laugh. “I am well versed in boyfriends buying books with vague recollections of exactly what their significant others wanted. I used to own a shop in Ottawa. I got rather good at guessing.”

James blushed. “I am unfortunately one of those useless boyfriends.” Then he reddened. Because he wasn’t. He wasn’t Regulus’ boyfriend, and dawning on him came the overwhelming fear that maybe this was too intimate of a gift for someone that you used to have sex with, but you were ultimately rejected by and now you’re not quite sure whether you just want to fuck them still or whether they might actually be the love of your life…

“That’ll be eighteen dollars dearie.”

            James paid, thanked her and walked back to his truck, placing the book on the passenger seat. It egged him the whole drive home, taunting him, making him doubt whether this had been a terrible idea. At one point he even considered lobbing it out of the window into the trees that lined the highway. But he thought better of that idea, chastising himself for being such a coward. At the end of the day, he was just being nice, it didn’t have to mean anything.

It didn’t mean anything.

Unless it did.

It had taken him several minutes of psyching himself up in the driveway, parked, before he felt brave enough to go inside, laden with bags of groceries and the book tucked under his bicep. Convincing himself that it would be fine, that it was just a nice gesture, he went in, the sound of the front door echoing as it closed. James walked to the kitchen and lifted the bags onto the counter, balancing them expertly against one another. Then, with an unsteady breath and a pounding heart, he came back to the sofas and held out his hand, towards Regulus, who looked up. Met his eyes. Then looked at his hand. At the book. Regulus’ eyes were fixed shockingly on it, mouth open. James stared at him, throat closing as he admired his eyelashes, the hard lines of his cheekbones, the porcelain perfection of his face, and the way his throat bobbed as he swallowed.

“Is this not the right one?” James said tightly, needing to get out of there before he said something entirely impulsive. God don’t reject it. Please just take it. He thought dreadfully.

Regulus faltered, tripping over his words. “No, yes. I mean yes. Yes that’s the one…”

James wiggled it at him.

Regulus took it.

James retreated to the kitchen, trying not to appear too hasty, too like a deer in headlights, spooked by some unknown predator.

“Thank you.” Regulus’ voice came quietly across the space, but James dared not turn around. Those eyes would ruin him. He had to at least to attempt to maintain some of his dignity. Because at the end of the day he was still hurting. Regulus had still broken him in two, and James would be damned if he allowed himself to be pulled so easily back into his orbit, no matter how tempting it was. James, now putting groceries away purposefully, tried to occupy his thoughts on anything else aside from Regulus, and the way he was certainly watching him move about the kitchen, then down at the book, and back to him. James opened the fridge, packing it poorly, shoving stuff in. He wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible.

“Don’t read it all at once.” James said, trying to be lighthearted but he could hear his heart in his head.

“What?” Regulus blurted.

He looked at him then. Regulus look startled. James tightened his grip on the bag of apples he was holding. “Your book. Don’t read it all in an hour. I know what you’re like.” He resisted the urge to smile. To wink at him. To flirt. Because no. He had self-respect. He wasn’t falling down this rabbit hole again. To be hurt a second time.

“Perhaps I will. Just to spite you.” Regulus replied wittily.

“Don’t I know it.” James huffed a nervous laugh and bolted for the deck, slipping silently through the bifold doors. He needed air.

*******

James and Lily swam around to the back of the boat, after diving off the front for a fourth time. It was just them out on the boat that afternoon, the others were all busy doing their own things. James didn’t know if Sirius and Remus were still mad at one another, but the atmosphere was certainly tense. The sun sat low, just above the trees on the far side of the lake. It was almost dinner time. That had been their last dive. James trod water whilst Lily climbed back onto the boat, then he followed her.

“Thanks.” He said easily, when she handed him a towel. Wrapping it around himself he sat on one of the benches an pulled a coke out of the cooler, snapping it open. “Want one?”

“I’m good.” She smiled, drying herself off and pulling on an oversized t-shirt. Then she sat opposite him. “You doing okay?”

He shrugged, took a sip. “What am I supposed to say?”

“Whatever you feel. You know I won’t judge you. I want you to be honest.” She said sincerely, squeezing out her hair in her towel.

“It’s only been five days and it’s like I’ve been yanked back to January. Every time I see him my chest just,” he scrunched his fist up tightly in the air between them. “How can I endure seven more weeks of this Evans?”

“Have you spoken to him? Properly.”

James scoffed.

“You can’t ignore him all summer, James. That’s cruel.”

“He’s one to talk.” James said bitterly, pulling at a thread on his towel.

“I know. I know.” Lily said sadly. “If it’s any consolation, he seems pretty torn up about everything that happened between you as well.”

James resisted the urge to roll his eyes. But then again when he really thought about it, part of him found comfort in that, felt glad that Regulus was hurting too. Glad that it wasn’t just him, that he wasn’t fucked up for feeling this immeasurable tug towards him. But then, he reminded himself that it was Regulus who said they were nothing. That everything they’d shared last summer meant fuck all. Christ, that’s what had really stung. He understood the pressures Regulus was under from his family, but to not even acknowledge that what they’d discovered and nurtured wasn’t even anything special, completely destroyed him.

“I think he’d listen. If you asked.” She nudged him gently with her shoulder.

James shook his head. “I don’t have it in me to get my heart broken again when he gets scared and runs away.”

The boat rocked beneath them and the soft clank of waves hitting the hull filled the quiet. Lily sighed. “I guess, that is a risk you have to weigh up. But perhaps, he needs someone to show him that he deserves to be happy. To let him know that he doesn’t have to run away when things get real.”

“It’s getting on for dinner, we should head back.” James said, clearing his throat and walking briskly to the helm, starting her up and backing up to pick up the anchor. Lily watched him quietly, and nothing more was said.

*******

            Regulus’ face at the firepit that evening had decapitated James. All he wanted to do was to run after him, to tell him that none of those hookups meant anything. But, he didn’t. He had his stupid pride, his very much wounded pride, and his stubbornness. Perhaps Regulus needed to feel hurt for a while, like James had for months. The turmoil inside him raged because then he felt guilty for wishing such pain on Regulus, of course he didn’t want him to feel as abandoned and betrayed as he’d felt after the night in that marble bathroom. But he was also too proud to be the first one to break the ice, and he definitely wouldn’t be the first one to apologise.

            That night, after leaving a bowl of pasta outside Regulus’ door, he fell asleep partially content, after jerking off to thoughts of their first time together, and wishing the whole time that it could be repeated. When morning came, James rose with the sun a little after five-thirty and sat up on his phone, scrolling through Instagram. Benjy posted pictures of him and his girlfriend on vacation in the Caribbean. James flicked through the photos, paused on one of them kissing, another one of them laughing. He scrolled on. He like Marlene’s photo of her cats lounging in the sun in her parent’s conservatory at their house in Toronto. He clicked on her profile and messaged her.

When are you coming up to Joe? He sent. Joe being Lake Joseph.

Marlene was active, and she answered straight away. Week after next? Good with you?

Sounds dreamy McKinnon. He sent with a couple of celebrative emojis.

Then he rolled onto his stomach and opened his photos and jumped back a year. Pictures of Regulus smiling without a care in the world filled his screen. Lying in James’ bed, hiding his face, laughing, eyes creased happily, hair wild. James found himself smiling soppily. He had deleted these photos perhaps seven times since January. But then, late at night he’d always ended up restoring them from his recently deleted album. This version of Regulus was his, and he couldn’t face losing him too, even if he’d lost him in the flesh.

            Around seven, he got up, pulled on a pair of grey sweats which sat low on his hips and didn’t bother with a shirt. Shoving his phone in his pocket, he ventured downstairs, through the quiet ambience of a barely conscious house and into the kitchen, where he stopped in his tracks. Regulus was putting the pasta bowl in the dishwasher. They looked at one another. James could feel Regulus’ eyes raking over him.

“Thanks.” Regulus said awkwardly. “For the food. Last night.”

James nodded. “Well I can’t have you wasting away on my watch, can I?” he answered, forcing humour.

Regulus closed the dishwasher.

James noticed his book on the counter and smiled. “What did I say about reading too fast?” Regulus’ bookmark was already three quarters of the way through. He noticed the way the younger man blushed, then reached for the book.

“Two days is hardly quick.” Regulus said, raising an eyebrow. “But I suppose, for those of you who haven’t picked up anything as common as a book in a decade, two days must seem rather pacey.”

James chuckled and smiled before he could check himself and crossed the remains of the space, pausing the other side of the kitchen island. “You’re right. My reading is on par with that of a middle schooler.”

“Perhaps you should try audiobooks.” Regulus quipped. “That way the big words are read aloud to you.”

James cocked his head to one side. He had no control right now. He was steamrolling. “Or you could read to me? My own personal audiobook.”

Regulus pressed his lips together in that way that sent James’ head reeling and he couldn’t help but watch, before dragging his eyes back up to Regulus’.

“I have no desire to read picture books anymore. Maybe ask Sirius to read to you. He’s just learnt the alphabet. Probably more on your level.” Regulus smirked and brushed past him, book in hand and waltzed back towards the stairs, slinking up as graceful as a cat on a narrow wall.

Eyes cast behind him, lips pressed to his shoulder, James watched him go. His heart thudded. “Fuck.” He breathed, when Regulus was out of sight. Resting his forehead on the cool stone countertop he rolled it from side to side. “What are you doing? What the fuck are you doing?” he groaned regretfully. He was supposed to be ignoring him. However, what this was, was very much talking to him. And that was a slippery slope indeed.

******

            One week into summer, James rallied the troops to go out on the boat in search of a good swimming cove to spend the day at. Everyone was keen, aside from Remus who waivered swimming and instead planned to go into town with Effie. The girls disappeared upstairs to change and pack a beach bag, and Sirius went out back to smoke. James then turned to Regulus who was curled in his usual spot on the sofa, with a new book in hand. Apparently the one James had got him was long finished.

“You coming-?” baby. It had almost slipped out. So effortlessly. So naturally. James felt his ears go pink and he backed up a few steps. “On-on the boat.” He clarified. In that moment he knew he needed to somehow stop dreaming about Regulus every night, and he certainly had to stop jerking off to thoughts of him, evidently it was fucking with his head.  

Regulus’ eyes flickered up to him, whilst keeping his nose firmly shoved in his new read. “No.”

“C’mon. You’ll have fun once we’re out there. You know you will.” He paused, softening. “I know you will.”

“You don’t know anything about me.” Regulus spat defensively.

James sighed. “Fine. Regulus. You stay here, all summer. Suit yourself.” He said, backing off, sliding open the bifold doors.

“I will.” Regulus snarked behind him.

Out on the deck, James leant on the railing beside Sirius, who was most of the way through a cigarette.

“All good Prongs?”

“All good.” James parroted unconvincingly.

Why wouldn’t Regulus just allow himself to enjoy the summer? To enjoy time with his friends, in the most beautiful place on the planet. Well, in James’ opinion anyway. Why did he feel the need to be so painfully stubborn? And, more to the point, what right did he have to look so painfully attractive whilst he glared at him and all but told him to fuck off.

Sirius checked his phone obsessively and cursed under his breath.

 “Waiting on something?” James smirked.

“What? No.” Sirius snapped.

“Alright. Geez.” He huffed, pushing off the railing and stomping down the wooden steps, shucking his backpack up onto his shoulder. Whilst he waited for the others, he busied himself with getting the boat ready, checking the fuel, loading the cooler into the little hold in the centre and wiping the dew off the benches. Shortly, they joined up. A raucous of giggles and swear words. Sirius climbed in first, checked his phone and pocketed it. James watched him curiously. He was never interested in his phone. The guy was barely on social media, who was he waiting to hear from? Mary and Lily climbed in after, sunglasses perched on their noses, floaty tops rippling in the breeze. James looked up towards the house, willing Regulus to appear, to run across the lawn demanding they wait for him. He didn’t. Why would he?

“Right,” James said, clapping his hands together once, shaking himself out of the funk he was spiralling into. “Everyone ready? Everyone got suncream?”

“No,” Sirius said immediately.

“Great,” Lily replied. “You’ll burn in twenty minutes and then complain for three days.”

“That’s future Sirius’ problem,” Sirius shrugged, already stretching out along the bench like a cat.

“Move up Sirius!” Mary groaned, shoving him hard. “You’re so fucking selfish, move!” she whinged even more when he started laughing. “Prick!” she yelled, unable to stop herself from laughing too.

James untied the boat and pushed them off, hopping in neatly and taking the helm. The engine hummed to life and they drifted away from the dock, the house shrinking behind them. James kept his eyes forward. He didn’t look back at the lawn. They headed west, where the shoreline curved in on itself and the trees grew thicker and greener. The wind picked up as they gained speed, warm and sharp, whipping at James’ hair. Sirius leaned out over the side, arms spread.

“I swear,” James yelled. If you fall out, I’m leaving you to drown!”

“I’ll haunt your ass!” Sirius yelled back as James cut the speed, entering a narrower leg of the lake.

“Oh shut up!” James laughed, kicking out at Sirius playfully as if to shove him off the boat himself.

Mary laughed, feet braced against the bench. “Where are we actually going?”

“A cove,” James replied. “Quiet. Pebble beach. No one else ever bothers because it’s quite a way out.”

“Because you gatekeep it?” Lily asked.

“Because I know the best spots.” James corrected. “And I’m picky about who I share them with!”

The boat travelled up a narrow stretch of water, winding between little islands and the leafy shoreline surrounding the lake. The water ahead of them was serene and still, and behind them white frosted waves left in their wake as they expertly disturbed the peace. Birds launched skywards from their perches and hiding places, throwing disapproving looks at the strangers in the boat. James cut the engine once they reached the cove, the boat rocking gently as he dropped anchor. The water here was clear, darker blue, but the shore lay only a short swim away. Sirius didn’t wait for instructions. He kicked off his shoes and launched himself off the stern with a hoot.

“Cold!” he shouted a second later, resurfacing. “Fucking cold!”

Mary followed, then Lily, both shrieking and laughing as they hit the water. James watched them for a moment, smiling, ignoring the piece of his heart which remained sat at the end of the dock, swinging its feet off the end, skimming stones with a stubborn boy with pale grey eyes, then toed off his trainers and jumped.

The cold snapped through him, clean and bracing. He came up sputtering, hair slicked back, and immediately Sirius swam over and tried to dunk him. James retaliated, splashing water into his face and diving out of his reach.

“Behave,” Lily called from a few feet away. “Or I’ll take the boat and strand you here.”

“Empty threat,” Sirius said. “You don’t know how to drive it.”

“Yes I do!” Lily squeaked. “James taught me! Last year!”

Sirius shot a look at James, who shrugged in defeat. “She’s not wrong. And she was pretty damn good.”

They backed the boat into shore as close as possible, and dragged themselves up onto the pebbles, stepping gingerly over the rocks. James hauled the cooler up last and dropped it between them onto the towels Lily had laid out.

“Moment of truth,” he said, cracking it open. “Beer anyone”

“Bless you,” Mary said dramatically and took one from his outstretched hand. They sat with their backs against the warm stones, legs stretched out, eating sandwiches wrapped in paper, drinking cold beer straight from the bottle. Sirius flicked pebbles into the water, trying to skip them, but held none of James’ talent for the art. Lily stole half of Mary’s crisps. James ate quietly, watching the lake ripple in and out, and wished Regulus had come along too, but perhaps only in the universe where he could love on him, publicly. The universe where Sirius wouldn’t drown him for ever even considering his little brother in such a way. That was the universe James wanted.

“This is nice,” Lily said eventually. “Being here makes me never want to return to normal life.”

James hummed in agreement. He felt it too.

“Don’t get used to it,” Sirius said. “Real life will demand our presence eventually.”

James tipped his head back to the sun. For a while, he let himself just be there. Just embracing the steady, uncomplicated drift of the afternoon.

*******

The kitchen was too quiet for late morning. Sunlight slanted in through the windows, catching dust motes and the rim of Sirius’ glass, half full of some vile green smoothie. Sirius stood at the counter, phone in his hand. Just standing there, thumb tapping the screen awake, heavy eyes flicking over it, then locking it again. Tapping it against his palm for a while, before unlocking it and checking it again. James watched him from the sofa for a while before speaking.

“You expecting a call from God, or?”

Sirius snorted, but didn’t look up. “Funny.”

“You’ve checked that thing eight times in the past five minutes,” James said.

Sirius finally glanced over, eyebrow cocked. “You counting now? Christ, Prongs, I know you’re obsessed with me but dude, get a hobby.”

James folded his arms. “I have a hobby. It’s called knowing when my best mate is full of shit.”

That earned him a practiced smirk. Sirius pushed off the counter and rolled his shoulders. “Relax. Everything is fine.”

“Ha! Yeah, soooo fine!” James laughed, giving him a stern look. “You’ve been wound tight for days. You’ve barely slept, I know that because I hear you stomping up and down the corridor. You snapped at Remus this morning over nothing. And now you’re acting like your phone’s about to bite you.”

Sirius’ jaw flexed. He shoved the phone into his pocket forcefully. “Wow. You keeping tabs on me now?”

“Padfoot. I’m serious,” James said. “What’s going on?”

For a moment, Sirius looked like he might actually open up; his gaze slid away, out the window toward the lake, then back again. However, he just smirked. “You’re right. Something is wrong.”

James straightened. “Yeah?”

“I’m pale as hell,” Sirius said. “Tragic, really.” He clapped a hand on James’ shoulder. “Solution? We work out on the lawn. Shirts off. Sun out. Maybe we’ll scare the neighbours.”

James stared at him. “That’s not an answer.”

“It’s an excellent answer,” Sirius said brightly. “Also, an invitation.”

James searched his face, tried to find the crack beneath the banter. It was there. He was sure of it. Sirius just wouldn’t let him in. “Alright,” James said finally. “But we’re coming back to this.”

Sirius winked. “And I’ll have the same answer for you then.” With that he pulled off his shirt and strutted off outside. James followed, unease settling heavy in his gut. Sirius never dodged like that, not with James anyway. They told one another everything, or at least they used to. Before James started fucking Sirius’ little brother.

********

The evening of their eighth day at the lake, Monty cooked up a storm on the grill. Plates of meats, grilled vegetables, bowls of salads and bread and cheese, followed by fruits and mini cheesecake bites for dessert. All of them ate until they were about to pop. Well, all of them aside from Regulus. James watched him subtly. Studied this new technique he was apparently perfecting. The art of pushing his food around, loading up his fork, lifting it to his mouth and never actually eating any of it. He put enough on his plate not to raise eyebrows, but little enough that he could push it to one side at the end of the meal and appear to have eaten his share. James seethed watching him, aching to address the way Regulus was harming himself, desperate to get his hands on Regulus’ parents for torturing him into such dangerous habits.

At one point, their eyes met and James glanced pointedly down at Regulus plate and back to his eyes knowingly. Regulus only scowled at him and looked away. Clearly, he still hated him, even if he insisted on wearing James’ jersey, flaunting it. No, that wasn’t fair. He had looked just as startled as James has felt when he realised that he’d been caught. But he hadn’t thrown it away. If he hated James, surely, he would have thrown it away. Right? James’ mind reeled with possibilities, but he kept bringing himself violently back to earth and to the knowledge that they were nothing. There was nothing between them. But would he refuse… if Regulus asked? The answer to that question freaked him out far more than he cared to admit.

Long after the others had gone to bed, James lingered in the kitchen, cooking. Of course. He placed the ham and cheese melt on a plate, picked up a napkin and snuck upstairs. The walk down the hall towards their bedrooms felt longer than it should’ve. Regulus’ door loomed at the end of the corridor. James knocked once. Then again and stepped back. But this time, he waited. Why, he wasn’t sure.

Footsteps. A pause.

The door opened.

Regulus looked fretful, hair mussed, eyes wide and unfocused. His breath hitched when he saw James, like he hadn’t been expecting him. James realised with dread, that he’d had a panic attack. His chest constricted. Fuck he wanted to hold him, and he wondered brazenly, whether Regulus would let him.

“I.” James swallowed. “I brought you some food.”

“Oh.” Regulus blinked, then took the plate hesitantly, their fingers brushing. James’ chest seized at the contact. “Thank you.”

“Are you okay?” James asked, though it came out more accusatory than he had intended.

Regulus looked down. “I’m fine.”

“You don’t look okay.” James said before he could stop himself.

Regulus’ eyes flicked up and held his gaze. Then they found the plate, the melt still steaming. “I’m fine.”

There they stood, inches apart. James’ heart pounded so loudly he was sure Regulus could hear it. He wanted to reach out, to pull him close, to say please just let me help. Fuck his morals. His pride. Fuck the grudges and the need to be right. Fuck everything Regulus had said to him, and fuck the way his heart had shattered because James just wanted to hold him, and kiss him, and make everything okay between them.

Instead, he nodded politely. “Okay. Night then.”

“Goodnight,” Regulus said softly.

The door closed.

James stood there for a moment longer, staring at the wood grain.

*********

The next day, they all agreed to take the boat out to one of the further coves and hike up through the trees on a lesser known trail to one of the best viewpoints on Lake Joseph. To James’ surprise, Regulus agreed to tag along.

The boat was its own quiet torture. He was desperately trying to stay mad at Regulus for breaking his heart, trying so hard to ignore him, act cold towards him, but with every day, the ache in James’ chest intensified, the butterflies in his stomach became more frantic and the need to hold him, to kiss him, became harder and harder to supress. Every morning he’d wake up full of determination to hold out, and every evening he’d go to bed dying with the desire to be close to him.

He gripped the wheel at the helm tighter as the boat hopped over little waves as they crossed the deepest part of the lake. As the treeline of the far shore appeared, he slowed a little, adhering to the speed caps. He took the opportunity to glance behind him. Regulus sat with his knees drawn up, one hand holding onto the railing, sunglasses hiding the emotions in his eyes. He wasn’t himself. James could see that plain as day. The he caught Lily’s eye and she shrugged sadly, eyes lingering pitifully on Regulus, who stared steadfastly out across the lake.

When they had moored at a short jetty where this particular hike began, everyone began readying themselves to leave. Backpacks were shouldered and hiking boots were tied tightly. Sirius held out his hand to Remus who stepped off the boat gingerly. James had been surprised Remus had been down for this today, but the hike wasn’t too strenuous, and there wasn’t much elevation, so he hoped he’d be alright.

“Take it easy. Okay?” he heard Sirius say quietly, before kissing him.

“If you keep babying me, I will ram my stick so far up your ass you won’t play another game of football for the rest of your likely short life.” Remus grumbled.

Sirius laughed outrageously and kissed him again. “Okay, well then you better go slow for me because Prongs beasted me on a run yesterday and I am sore as fuck.”

Remus raised an eyebrow, as if to say I know your game, but just nodded. “Sure, idiot.”

Whilst all this was going on, James passed Regulus his sunscreen without looking directly at him. He knew he wouldn’t have packed any, last year James was always giving him his. Regulus took it silently.

“I’m glad you decided to come with us.” James tried to smile.

Regulus glared at him, scowling. “You don’t have to pretend you want to talk to me. No one is listening.” And stood up, squeezing sunscreen onto his hands and stepping off the boat and onto the pebbled beach. He walked to Lily and handed the bottle to her. James watched him. He felt like he was going to throw up.

The lake glittered. Everyone laughed as Mary fought with the map, orientating it as she called it. But James just watched Regulus ignore him and couldn’t help but feel like he was drowning.

“Prongs!” Sirius called from the front. “Let’s go!”

James forced a smile and saluted him, then pulled his backpack onto his shoulders and followed behind Lily and Regulus, bringing up the rear of the group. Eventually the trail narrowed, and people naturally paired off. James had made his way to the front during the first twenty minutes, so now he slowed until he was beside Regulus, matching his stride. Neither of them spoke. The only sounds were their footsteps on the dry trail and the cicadas screaming overhead. But he noticed how shallow Regulus’ breathing sounded, how he gradually slowed. How he thought he’d be able to hike on no energy. The guy never fuelled his body, not well anyway. James reached into a side pocket in his pack and pulled out a protein bar. He held it out, wiggled it at him.

“You need it, love.” He said sincerely.

“Don’t call me that.” Regulus remarked, and hesitated for far too long, eyeing the protein bar like it might bite him. Then reluctantly, he took it.

“Noted.” James pretended not to watch.

Regulus unwrapped it. Took a bite. Chewed. Swallowed. Took another. James smiled privately, the way he did whenever he successfully got Regulus to eat anything.

It wasn’t much, but it was something. And something was better than nothing.

********

            Ten days. They’d barely spoken to one another for ten days, aside from short awkward exchanges which always ended up with one of them scowling fiercely at the other. Frankly, James couldn’t take it anymore. He had to get Regulus to talk to him, even if it got them nowhere. Even if it became the final nail in the coffin, he just couldn’t exist in this limbo anymore. He had to know where they stood.

Come to the dock.

James typed and sent before he could second guess himself. He watched his phone, anxiously waiting for the reply. He stood beside the boat ramp, backpack slung over his shoulder, wearing shorts and a sleeveless t-shirt, the sides cutting low on his torso. It was early afternoon and all this ignoring one another and pretending they didn’t have this colossal historical elephant following them around the house was too much. They needed to speak. They needed to find a way to exist side by side, because James couldn’t continue like this, he didn’t have six and a half more weeks of being an asshole in him.

No.

There was no arguing with the Black brothers. He knew that, but he knew that he had to try. “For fuck sake Regulus.” He muttered, and started typing again.

Regulus. Come and talk to me.

No reply.

He waited. Every minute that passed, James became even more pissed off until he was pacing, up and down the jetty, the wooden boards creaking underfoot, echoing his anger. Then movement out of the corner of his eye caused him to glance up at the house. Regulus was sliding out of the bifold doors and walking towards him, arms tightly folded across his stomach as he stomped purposefully towards him.

“What do you want?” Regulus snapped as he got within five feet of him, stopping defensively.

“Not here.” James said defeatedly, and began walking along the trail, not bothering to check if Regulus had followed, he didn’t need to. He could hear him stomping through the leaf litter behind him. If this was the attitude Regulus had brought with him then this conversation wasn’t going to go well. However it had to be done, they couldn’t keep avoiding one another. A line had to be drawn or crossed, there was no in between. Not anymore.

            When they reached the cove, James stopped and dropped the backpack. “Look. I can’t do this all summer.” He admitted. “It’s eating me alive.”

“Do what?” Regulus asked nastily, though his doleful eyes betrayed him.

“Ignore each other. I can’t ignore you all summer.” James said plainly, not daring to come any closer for fear Regulus might bolt.

“Well, you’ve ignored me all year, so it shouldn’t be that hard to keep it up.” Regulus shot back.

James scoffed, flapping his hands in frustration, thumb and forefinger pinched together. “Why on earth would I have wanted to reply to you Regulus? Hmm?” James snapped, unable to keep a hold of his emotions a moment longer.

His hands pushed through his curls, and he took his glasses off, then put them back on.

“You told me that we were nothing. Nothing. That everything we were, was meaningless. That I meant nothing to you! How do you think that made me feel?” he paused, trying to keep the tears from fogging his vision. He took his glasses off again and scrubbed at his eyes, back turned to him. then he replaced them, and turned back.

Regulus had said nothing. Typical.

So, James continued. “Tell me. Go on. Tell me. Why the fuck would I want to talk to someone, who broke my fucking heart?” the words were out of his mouth before he could stuff them back in.

Regulus’ mouth dropped open, just a touch and he stared at James silently. Then he shook his head ever so slightly, his defences failing. “You just don’t understand.”

“No Regulus, I don’t fucking understand!” James was trying not to shout, but all the hurt, the confusion, the blame was uncontrollably seeping out of him. “Because we were good! Everything was fine, and then you just hit the big red fucking nuclear button on all of it. I don’t understand how you can turn off your emotions like that. I… fucking hell.” He took a deep breath. “This really fucked me up, Regulus.”

Regulus’ eyes searched him, and James looked away and out over the water. Still, the younger man said nothing.

“It took me months to get over you. I jeopardised my own playoffs, because I was a wreck. Months. And then!” he huffed a broken-sounding laugh that was definitely masking a sob. “And then you send me these cryptic fucking texts as if you hadn’t told me that I meant nothing to you, as if we hadn’t… as if I wasn’t your first.” He ended softly, and he caught Regulus flinch and coil protectively, like a snake.

Finally, he spoke. “Oh yeah. It must have been so damn hard warming all those beds every night. Getting all that attention you crave so badly.” Regulus lashed out.

James frowned and choked out a laugh in disbelief. “Oh sure! I’m the one in the wrong here! What happened to we’re nothing?” He quipped cruelly. “If our relationship meant nothing, why would you give a fuck about who I sleep with, hmm?”

“I don’t. I’m just saying that you got over me pretty fucking quick. Must have been hard to be a wreck when you were fucking all those other people.” Regulus narrowed his eyes and raised an eyebrow expectantly.

James just stared at him. “You’re fucking unbelievable. God forbid I try to find comfort in other people. Would it only have been acceptable if I’d sat on a bridge every night since Christmas crying about how you’d cast me aside?”

“What? No!”

“Because believe you me, I had my fair share of bridge walks in the middle of the damn night.” James admitted quickly and immediately froze. That wasn’t something he’d ever said aloud. Perhaps not something he’d ever even really admitted to himself was true. It hadn’t been often. But like he’d said. January had been rough.

“James.” Regulus tried, a fearful look on his face.

“Don’t. Just.” He lifted a hand gently to silence him. “Don’t tell me how I’ve felt. You have no idea.” He walked to the water to catch his breath, to pull himself together. A minute or so later, he walked ack to where Regulus was still standing, motionless, by a broad tree.

Regulus hesitated. “I texted you because I wanted to hear from you, but I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“Tell me what?”

“That I didn’t mean it.” Regulus said defensively, pressing his lips together. “What I said at Christmas. I didn’t mean any of it. I panicked.”

“Well, you still said it.” James shrugged, trying to mask the pain that had come flooding back, pain he thought he’d healed. Pain he didn’t want to confront.

The cicadas creaked.

The lake lapped.

“And then at the airport you didn’t even speak to me.” Regulus swallowed, shifting his weight nervously. “You wouldn’t even look at me.”

“I couldn’t, Regulus.” James snapped. “Seeing you, standing there brought everything flooding back to me. Because like it or not, I’m still right where you left me love.” James confessed, heart thudding in his chest, anger festering. “On the floor of that fucking marble bathroom.”

“If I remember correctly, you’re the one who walked out.” Regulus quipped defensively.

This time when he spoke, James’ voice was harsher but still just as hurtfully quiet. “I left because you disregarded me like some fucking hookup, Regulus. You never even checked whether I got back to the hotel that night. Drunk. In an unfamiliar city.”

He saw a flicker of guilt cross Regulus’ face. “James.”

“So, no.” He cut him off harshly. “Circling back to your first point. I did not feel like answering any of your texts.”

More silence.

“We weren’t nothing.” Regulus admitted quietly.

“No shit.” James said brutally, then forced himself to calm down. He softened his tone. This was hard on both of them, he needed to remember that. “I know that. And I know that you know that. But you’re so fucking stubborn, that you’d rather sacrifice every good thing in your life to feel like you’re in control. And I appreciate that your parents are not good people, but Reggie, baby. You can’t close yourself off from every potential happiness for fear of disappointing them. For fear of inciting their wrath. You deserve to live your own life. You deserve that.”

Regulus looked down, scuffing the silt between the pebbles. “I hate it when you do that.”

“Do what.” James sighed, entirely exhausted.

“Read me. Know me.” He said vulnerably.

“Baby, I spent an entire summer learning you, only for you to decapitate me with three words.” we were nothing. James took a breath, unable to stop himself from emptying his head of six months of unprocessed thoughts. “And then you turn up here, after having told me you’d thrown out my jersey and I walk in on you wearing it so fucking hell Regulus, how was I supposed to feel?” James rubbed a hand over his nose and mouth, in an attempt to calm the rage he still felt, and the waves of exhaustion that followed it. He released a long held breath and added. “I am sorry, though. For crossing the line that night in Montreal. For kissing you.”

“You are forgiven.” Regulus’ eyes shone wetly. “I’m sorry for hitting you.”

“I deserved that.” James said firmly, cracking his knuckles anxiously in his palm.

Regulus huffed a soft laugh, “You were very drunk.”

“So drunk.” James allowed himself to smile slightly and studied him.

“Stop looking at me like that.” Regulus shook his head.

“I’ll stop if you stop.” James whispered.

Regulus didn’t stop.

James continued, never breaking eye contact, but still keeping his distance. “I wish you’d let me know you. Properly. Let me, Regulus, because this isn’t nothing. It never has been.” James took a step forwards, but Regulus stepped back and his heart lurched.

Shaking his head, he held up a hand. “I want to. I want what we had last summer… But, we have to keep it a secret. I’m not… I’m not ready for Sirius to know. He’ll explode, he’s already mad-” Regulus cut himself off and took a regulatory breath before continuing. “I’m just terrified that somehow my parents are going to find out.”

James sighed, considering, rubbing his temples. Could he take another summer of lying to his closest friends and family? He looked at Regulus, vulnerability oozing from him, eyes glassy, frame slighter with every day that passed.

“I can’t lie to them.” James said honestly, wondering whether this was the ultimatum that could finally break whatever this was between them.

“We can be careful.” Regulus said, back pressed to a tree, eyes staring desperately back at him, fingers worrying the hem of his hoodie. “I’m so confused. I just really thought you hated me.”

James shook his head. “I could never.” he said, though the words barely made a sound. “I was so so mad. So fucking cross with you, but I never hated you. I’m sorry for ignoring you. I’m sorry for not saying hi at the airport.”

“I would have ignored me too.” Regulus admitted, filing the silence. “I’m sorry for lashing out. For pushing you away.”

“It’s okay.”

Their eyes locked, but neither of them moved.

“We were never nothing.” Regulus whispered, eyes shining.

“Allow me to be something to you.” James asked again, trying to not sound like he was begging. He stepped closer until they were barely a foot apart, and he looked down at Regulus, noticed the tears brimming, how tightly he held himself, how he was barely holding it together. “Let me in, love.” He whispered, looking at Regulus’ lips, head softly leaning to one side, hands hovering just out of reach. “I need you.”

Regulus closed his eyes and tears spilled onto his cheeks. His hands reached for James’ shirt and balled at his waist. James waited obediently. But God were his impulses getting harder to hold at bay. Regulus pulled him closer until James’ hips rested against him. This was a relapse, James knew that. He knew that perhaps this would end the same way, perhaps it was always destined to end the same way, but he wasn’t strong enough to resist the gravity that pulled him towards Regulus Black.

Through tears, Regulus whispered. “I need you too.” and James covered the space in an instant, kissing him messily, hands cupping his cheeks as Regulus stretched up onto his tiptoes to deepen the kiss.

Fucking hell, he’d missed this. James felt himself moan, or perhaps it was a whimper, either way he couldn’t help it. Regulus was in his arms. Regulus was kissing him.

“Fuck,” James murmured. “Fuck.” Disbelief swamped him. If someone had told him, back in January that this would be how he’d be spending his summer, he’d have dug his own grave because at that time, no way would he have put himself through this again. And yet… now, the hurt had dissipated, and although not eradicated, he’d found comfort in this messy reconciliation. Should he have given in so easily, accepted Regulus’ apology so willingly? James wasn’t sure, but what he did know was that he couldn’t bear to see Regulus hurting. He was beginning to understand the weight of Regulus’ anxieties, and how running away for Regulus was a way of protecting not only himself, but James too.

When they broke apart Regulus met his eyes and smiled shyly. “Can I ask you something?”

“Anything.”

“If you hadn’t seen me in your jersey the other day, would you still be ignoring me?”

“If you hadn’t let your anxiety win would you have broken it off in the first place?” James retorted quickly and didn’t let Regulus answer before he continued. “I just want it to be like it was.”

“Me too.” Regulus confessed.

“Fucking hell.” James sighed, kissing him again, arms sliding around his middle, holding him tightly, as if he might vanish. Then James’ phone buzzed in his pocket, and seconds later, so did Regulus’.

Regulus drew back and pulled his out. “Dinner in an hour.” He read aloud the text from Lily. “We should head back.”

James nodded, watching him. “Tonight?”

Regulus looked up. “I’ll find you.” And then he kissed him.

Chapter Text

Chapter Twenty Four

What was happening. What the fuck was happening? Regulus paced the length of his bedroom with his fingers pressed to his lips, chasing the feeling of James and swearing profusely under his breath. He grappled with the overwhelming onslaught of revelations.

Revelation number one, James didn’t hate him. That was probably the most significant.

Revelation number two, James thought they could be something.

And, probably most devastatingly, revelation number three, Regulus had broken James’ heart.

He exhaled shakily and closed his eyes, recalling the feeling of James’ hands on him, the weight of him pinning him to the tree. The sound of his voice when he spoke to him gently, the feel of his lips on his neck. All things he never thought he’d feel again, things he thought he’d ruined forever. But then this afternoon had reminded of what an innately good person James was, how forgiving he was, and how guilty Regulus felt about lying to him. In not telling him about the deal he’d made with his father, not telling him how short lived this second little love affair would have to be, how he was potentially setting them up to fail all over again. Regulus would have to break his heart for a second time.

Unless Uncle Alphard could work some kind of miracle. Get Regulus out of the deal and away from his parents permanently. That was the only scenario in which he could get away with pursuing something with James. Not that Uncle Alphard had been in touch. And naturally, Sirius was fuming about it. Regulus watched the way he religiously checked his phone, and upon seeing nothing, locked it in frustration. Not to mention the infuriated looks his brother would throw in his direction. Sirius was pissed, and betrayed and even though Regulus could understand his emotions surrounding it, he wished Sirius could see the situation from his perspective, even just momentarily. Because at the end of the day, Regulus hadn’t made such a poor deal to be selfish, he had genuinely believed he was repaying Sirius for everything he’d done for him, by providing him with an out. by setting his brother free from the chains of a family he never wanted to bound to. Then again, did he ever believe that Sirius would take this well? No. He knew that Sirius would have always reacted in the way he was reacting, which is precisely why he could never ever ever find out about Regulus and James. That would ignite a war to end all wars. Regulus had pissed his brother off enough to last him a lifetime, he didn’t need to give him additional reasons to hate him, and fucking Sirius’ best friend would be reason enough for Sirius to lose his ever loving mind.

Thinking constantly on all of this all day meant that Regulus hadn’t eaten much at dinner, even though he’d tried to, but that, mixed with the fact that the damn football player with tanned skin and exceptional curls kept catching his eye and winking or smirking and generally just igniting butterflies in Regulus’ stomach. Which in turn, caused him to blush so hard he couldn’t possibly eat a thing. Even when his phone buzzed in his pocket and he glanced down to read the message under the table, he couldn’t possibly reply without grinning like an idiot, so after reading them, he ignored everyone, for now anyway.

YOU KISSED HIM?! He could hear the way Dora was shrieking through the phone screen.

Another buzz.

WAIT KISSED WHO?!!!! Barty, that time. And then. OH MY FUCKING GOD!!! As he realised.

Regulus licked his lips and placed his phone face down on the table, then attempted to tune in to whatever Mary was saying about native birds in the area. Regulus couldn’t cope with intellectual conversation right now, not when his friends were blowing up his phone and James was devouring him with his eyes. It buzzed again, for the eighth time, and everyone looked at him.

“Sorry.” Regulus said awkwardly. “If I can be excused, I’m just going to take this.” He asked politely.

“Of course dear, no need to ask.” Effie smiled warmly.

The concept of autonomy was foreign to Regulus so he stood woodenly, and slunk from the decking, through the bifold doors and into the kitchen where he opened the rest of the messages. James’ family were unmatched, for kindness, for inclusivity. It was no wonder James was the way he was, his parents were simply wonderful people. His stomach flipped in anticipation as he unlocked his phone.

MORE INFORMATION REGGIEEE! Cas screamed.

Regulus Arcturus Black answer you goddamn phone. Dora typed angrily.

Bitch we need details. Barty added.

What’s happening? Asked Evan, reaction severely delayed.

Regulus leant against the kitchen island and looked back through the windows, checking no one had followed him, but everyone was still sat, laughing around the table. James was refilling wine glasses. Sirius had his arms spread telling some longwinded story no doubt. Regulus looked back down and started typing.

Yes, I kissed him. I’m know, I’m weak, take the piss all you want.

After all the tears I’ve mopped up over this boy, I just have to ask. Is this a good idea? Dora’s reply gave him pause.

More than anything else, it made him realise just how much he loved his friends, they were the first people to really make him feel like perhaps family could be something you choose, not something you were assigned. And Dora was right, Regulus had spent many many nights in her bed, crying over James Potter.

I’m just going to see where the next few weeks go. Regulus typed, completely ignoring the fact that his fate was already sealed, no matter how the next few weeks go. But he wasn’t about to admit to his friends that he’d signed his life away.

Jealous is a fucking understatement. Barty typed with a pissed off looking emoji. Why do you get to have Greek God boy?

“You coming back?”

Regulus looked up in surprise to find Sirius stepping through the doors. “Oh, yeah. Coming.”

“Was that Uncle Alphard?” Sirius asked hopefully.

But Regulus just shook his head. “No, just Barty.”

“The fuck is that man doing? We haven’t got time to piss about.” Sirius grumbled, grabbing himself another beer from the fridge.

“Siri he said this might take time.”

“Well if you hadn’t signed the damn thing in the first place and had just snuck out with me like I told you, then we wouldn’t be in this mess would we?” Sirius said with obnoxious frustration.

“Crisse-toi donc.” Fuck you. Regulus spat, and stomped back outside, throwing the bifold doors closed behind him.

******

Regulus deliberated with what to wear for what felt like an eternity, and consequently chastised himself for every option he put on. Why did he care about what he was wearing? James would kiss him regardless of what he was wearing. Let’s face it, James was more interested in getting him naked than looking at his clothes anyway. Which was also, totally okay with him. Considering this, he went for comfort, and pulled on grey sweats and his McGill hoodie. Then he lingered impatiently by his door. It was too early to go over, James would probably still be downstairs with the others drinking around the firepit. Perhaps he should have stayed, killed a little more time. But then he’d have to survive being under James’ eye and not being allowed to touch him.

He managed to wait another couple of hours by reading sections of his book but without really taking any of it in, before opening his door a crack and checking to see whether the corridor was empty. Waiting for a minute or so, he slipped out, closing it behind him and crossing the hall to James’ door. He knocked softly. It opened inward and a hand reached out an grabbed his hoodie, pulling him inside and pushing him against the now closed door. Regulus squawked as he was held firmly against the wood and kissed senseless. James’ thigh slid between his legs and he shamelessly melted into the familiarity of it all.

“God, I’ve missed you so much.” James muttered between kisses, trailing his lips along Regulus’ jaw, down his neck, sucking at his throat. “The whole of dinner, all I could think about was getting my hands on you.”

Regulus chuckled. “I could tell.” He gasped, wrapping his arms around James’ neck and tipping his head back as the taller man kissed him.

“I can barely control myself around you.” James purred, sliding his hands to the back of Regulus’ thighs and lifting him, pinning him to the door with his hips. “You sit there looking so fucking nonchalant and I just.” He kissed him again, a soft growl deepening it, tongue pushing into Regulus’ mouth. “Fuck.” He said between kisses. “Baby, I need you to be naked.”

“Oh my god-” Regulus panted as James’ hips rolled against his, then laughed through a whimper. He pulled at the back of James’ shirt, lifting it until the taller man leaned back and allowed Regulus to pull it off. Then he anchored himself on James’ shoulders and kissed him again.

“Is that okay?” James asked, pausing, eyes locking with Regulus’ wide and hungry, lips plump and parted.

Regulus swallowed and nodded, then started to laugh again. “But in order for me to get naked, you need to put me down.”

James moaned against Regulus’ lips and shook his head. He buried his face needily in Regulus’ neck, eyes squeezed shut, and admitted in a muffled voice, “But what if this is dream? What if I let go and you disappear and I wake up alone and you still hate me.”

A pang of guilt wrenched at Regulus’ insides.

“Jamie.” He said softly, nuzzling his head into James’ curls. “I don’t hate you, and this is real.” Then he lifted James’ head and kissed him tenderly. “Put me down.” he whispered.

Gently, he was lowered to the ground and James backed up, undressing, eyes firmly fixed on Regulus as he took his clothes off, as if he were scared he might vanish. It surprised Regulus, the lack of awkwardness, the absence of self-consciousness as he stood naked in front of James, he felt at ease. Although, his stomach trembled with nervous butterflies, for something he hadn’t allowed himself to want for a while. Feelings mingled and rolled themselves into excitement, anticipation and unwavering desire.  

“Fuck you’re so beautiful.” James mused, almost to himself.

“Shut up. Says you.” Regulus scoffed, rolling his eyes. Then James was on him again, kissing him deeply, hands on Regulus’ face, thumb pulling his bottom lip down as he explored his mouth.

“What do you want?” James asked, pausing, panting, already hard against Regulus’ stomach.

A surge of embarrassment flooded Regulus as he forced himself to ask for what he needed. “I…” he started, flattened by the intensity in James’ eyes. “You. I want…I want you to fuck me.”

James grinned and kissed him. He began to walk them backwards until Regulus fell onto the bed, shuffling back until he lay in the middle, sitting up to meet James’ lips as he crawled on top of him, lowering him gently onto the mattress. “Can I touch you?”

Regulus nodded and hummed happily. “Yes.”

James’ hand moved down his side, the touch sending tingles through his body and settled on Regulus’ dick, pulling gently, stroking over the tip. Regulus moved his arms above his head, partially covering his face as he moaned and lifted his hips into the contact. Fuck it had been too long. James was like oxygen, and Regulus’ body reacted to him with desire as such would justify after so long starved of him. James slid downwards, hooking Regulus’ legs over his shoulders and taking him in his mouth. At first just the tip. Regulus arched his back responsively, gripping the pillows above his head. James’ hand travelled up his stomach, to his nipples, thumb pressing firmly then rubbing gently over them and Regulus almost came apart there and then. He clamped his thighs around James’ head as the curly haired guy sucked, taking him deep, swallowing around him, and Regulus realised then that he wasn’t possibly going to last long enough for James to fuck him. He inhaled in a coarse breath and let out an involuntary groan as James sucked on the head of his cock. And then, James pressed a finger gently to his hole, circling it, pushing against the muscle teasingly. Regulus cried out in surprise, lifting his knees to his chest and grabbing a handful of James’ curls.

“Fuck! Fuck! James, James! I’m gonna come, I can’t stop it, fuck!” he moaned as he tried to lift James’ head off, but the determined fuck continued to swallow him into the back of his throat, gripping his hips hard as Regulus came in his mouth. Embarrassment swamped him and he covered his face, still moaning through the aftershocks.

James pulled off and pressed his mouth to Regulus’ skin, his hip, his stomach, his nipples, his neck. Nudging Regulus’ arms away from his face James kissed him deeply. “So good,” the idiot grinned into the kisses.

“Fuck,” he squirmed, eyes still squeezed closed. “I’m sorry, that was so stupidly fast, how embarrassing.”

“Do not apologise. Remember, we’ve got all night.” James said suggestively. “I can’t wait to make you come over and over and over again until you’re dry.” He murmured with a chuckle between kisses. That sent Regulus’ eyes rolling into the back of his head which only made James laugh harder.

“Let me,” Regulus gasped, pushing him back and sitting up. He watched James shuffle back so that he was sat up against the headboard and Regulus raised an eyebrow. “What are you doing?”

“I want to watch you. I need to refresh the sight of you in my mind.” He said evenly, despite how hard he was as he stroked himself, legs fallen open, eyes locked on Regulus.

Rolling onto his stomach, Regulus crawled up to where James sat and looked up at him, wrapping one hand around his cock and licking over the head, eyes never leaving those honey coloured ones, blown wide with want. Regulus pressed his lips to the tip and moved his tongue over the slit, eliciting a delightful moan from James.

“Fuck, Regulus.” He moaned, shifting his hips, watching him fixatedly.

He opened his mouth and edged slowly onto James’ dick, one hand still holding the base, the other hand wrapped around his enormous thigh, anchoring himself. Then he began to bob on and off, each time taking him deeper, tongue pressed to the sensitive underside, their eyes still locked. Regulus relaxed as best he could, but the butterflies in his stomach were kicking up a storm and James was still watching him like he hung the bloody moon. He continued to bob his head and swallowed around him, taking him as deep as he could, breathing deeply through his nose and listened to the guttural moans coming from the man above him.

“Shit shit, Regulus I’m gonna come, I’m-” James tensed, hands flying to cup Regulus’ face as he came. Devotedly, Regulus swallowed him, smiling around his dick and he licked at the excess until he was pulled upwards, onto a broad chest and kissed hungrily. “Fucking hell.” James panted, still kissing him, hands sliding down to grip Regulus’ ass, moaning as their oversensitive dicks rubbed together.

            Minutes later, they lay entwined under the covers, James trailing patterns on Regulus’ back. Regulus’ head lay contentedly on James’ chest, fingers bumping up and down his torso. Lazy kisses interrupted their conversation, but neither seemed to mind too much. James took Regulus’ hand in his and trailed his fingers over the scar left from the knife injury Regulus had sustained last summer. He brought Regulus’ palm to his lips and kissed the marred pink flesh affectionately. Regulus couldn’t take his eyes off him.

“What are your friends doing this summer?” James asked.

Regulus inhaled and considered. “Dora will be home in Vancouver. Barty fuck knows. He’ll be causing havoc in a club in Montreal no doubt. Dorcas flew back to England, and Evan is probably home in Ottawa I expect.”

“Do you talk to them much outside of school?”

Regulus inhaled, body sated and relaxed. “Yeah, we have a group chat. Though I speak to Dora and Barty the most, I’m closest with them. Dora understands all the family shit, you know? And Barty just gets me, in his own fucked up way.” He said, suddenly feeling himself opening up and desperately wanting to lock it all away and not utter another word. This was dangerous. The ease he felt around James was deadly, and he realised he’d have to be more careful and much more aware if he wanted to make sure that he didn’t blurt out anything about this damn contract.

“Hey.” James said, jolting him gently. “Don’t shut down on me.”

Regulus looked up at him, shocked. How could he possibly read him that easily? That quickly? “I’m not.” He said curtly.

James just raised an eyebrow and reached for his chin, tilting it up to kiss him. “Baby, I know you. What just happened?”

At first, Regulus considered bolting and blocking him out, but he stopped himself because why not talk to him? Nothing could come of it, he knew James wouldn’t tell anyone, wouldn’t use anything he told him against him. As much as it frightened him to admit it, Regulus felt like he could trust him. James had become the only person in this world he felt he could truly trust aside from his brother.

“It just freaks me out. Opening up like that.”

“Why?” James asked, not accusatorily, but with genuine interest.

Regulus shrugged. “A lot of reasons. I guess I worry that things I say can be used against me, or perhaps that people would use them to threaten me. I don’t know, it’s stupid.”

“Its not stupid.” James whispered. “But I also want to remind you that I would never hold anything you say over your head. I promise, everything you tell me I’ll take to my grave.”

Regulus’ heart skipped a thousand beats, and he thought in that moment that he might genuinely explode.

“Okay.” He said with a small smile which widened when James leant down and kissed him again, then rolled him onto his back and deepened it. Regulus lifted his legs to James’ hips, using his heels to pull them flush against one another. He released a soft moan as he felt his dick start to get hard. James rolled his hips rhythmically against his and smirked arrogantly.

“Round two?”

“Only if you actually fuck me this time.” Regulus said breathlessly before clashing their mouths together again, teeth knocking, tongues vying for contact. And then James pulled away and winked mischievously. He slunk down the bed, and pushed Regulus’ knees up to his chest and pressed his tongue to his hole. “Oh Fuck!” Regulus gasped, gripping the back of his knees for dear life, practically seeing stars.

James pulled off. “Shh,” he laughed kindly. “You can’t be that loud. You’ll wake the whole house.”

Regulus nodded helplessly and tried pretty much not to scream when James’ tongue returned, lapping at him, sucking, pushing at the muscle which gave and then his tongue was inside him and Regulus almost passed out, it felt so damn good. Moaning quietly, he felt himself relax, felt himself give and then James’ finger was there, circling, waiting.

“Still okay?”

“Yes,” he managed, still gripping his legs, folding himself in half as James’ finger pushed inside of him, lubed, though Regulus had no idea when he’d had time to do that. “Jesus.” He gasped at the marvel of the feeling he’d missed so much. It hadn’t been like this with the guy he’d hooked up with, hadn’t felt so intimate, so easy. James added a second finger, and then his mouth was on Regulus’ cock, sucking steadily. “Christ!” he squeaked, followed by a cry, overwhelmed with pleasure.

Almost at the precipice again, James withdrew, and sat up, hovering above him. “Condom?” he asked. “I got checked out, but if it makes you more comfortable, I’m happy to wear one.”

Regulus shifted, chest still rising and falling heavily. “No, don’t. I got checked out too.” He felt suddenly anxious, fingers trailing up and down James’ bicep.

James raised an eyebrow, an uneasy smile crossing his lips. “You did? Since October?”

Regulus felt himself start to turn pink and he resisted the urge to look away.

“Did you have sex with someone?” James asked calmly, curiously all whilst still hovering above Regulus, dicks still hard between them.

He felt suddenly defensive. Part of him wanted to run. “Well, I sure didn’t sleep with twenty people.”

James looked down at him with a stoney expression but said nothing. A flicker fo annoyance crossed his face.

“Why? Am I not allowed? We weren’t together. It was in like February I don’t remember.” He knew he was rambling, but he couldn’t help it. “Or are you the only one who’s allowed to fuck around?”

James looked hurt by that, and Regulus felt immediately guilty. “Of course you are. Like you said, we weren’t together.” A pause. “I just didn’t think…” he trailed off. “Who was he?”

Regulus shrugged and tried to look as if he didn’t care. “Some guy from a bar.”

He felt James stiffen. “How was it?” he asked, tone coarse. 

Regulus chewed over his words, eyes vacant as he recalled the experience. “He was…”

“Did he hurt you?” James interrupted, face suddenly incredibly serious.

Shaking his head, he spoke quietly. “No.” he studied James’ expression. “No, he was nice enough. But…he just wasn’t…”

“Wasn’t what?” James demanded.

“He wasn’t what I wanted. He wasn’t you.” he admitted, flushed.

Retreating, James sat up and back on his heels, scratching his nose with his thumb and said nothing.

A grin spread across Regulus’ face as he realised and he asked his next question tentatively. “Are you jealous?”

“No.” James shook his head, but his face betrayed him. Regulus tracked him as he moved to lean back against the headboard, sulking, dick softening.

“You are! You’re bloody jealous! You can’t stand the thought of someone else touching me.” He said gleefully, dropping his voice and climbing into James’ lap, straddling him and grabbing his wrists. Then dropped his voice. “The thought of someone else fucking me.” He watched James’ jaw tick and his dark eyes find his own. Regulus leant forwards, lips to his ear. “Now you know how I felt. Hearing Sirius brag about how many people you’ve put your dick in.”

“That’s not the same.” James said in a low voice, rough and edged.

Regulus sat back, mouth open and released his wrists, folding his arms stubbornly across his middle. “How is that not the same? Enlighten me!”

James looked at him, deadly serious. “Because. You’re perfect. And people can be cruel.”

Regulus went quiet. “James.” He said, heart in his throat, arms unfolding slowly. He cupped James’ cheeks. “I’m fine.” Then he tried to laugh but it came out choked. “And I’m not that breakable.” Regulus froze as he spotted the way James’ eyes turned glassy and intense.

“No one else is allowed to even breathe near you. Let alone touch you. Who was he?”

“Some guy,” Regulus said softly. “I don’t even remember his name.”

“I don’t know what I’d do if someone hurt you.” James’ knuckles cracked and he tightened the fist at his side.

“No one will.” Regulus said hesitantly, shocked at how protective he suddenly became. They hadn’t even been together at the time, and let’s be honest, could they even be classed as being together now?

“Hey.” He said, hands cupping James’ face, eyes meeting. “No one else will ever touch me.” James just nodded and surged forwards to kiss him, rolling them over, hands immediately roaming. Regulus kissed him back and dared not reflect on what he’d just said. After all, it was indeed a bold statement for someone who was planning to walk away from the man he was falling dangerously in love with, but Regulus couldn’t help it, he wanted to give him everything. His entire soul.

“Still okay for no condom?” James whispered as he stroked their cocks together in his hand, pushing the heads over one another and making them both moan, the noise muffled in a kiss before James sat back and reached for the bedside drawer.

“Definitely.” Regulus smirked, watching as James snapped the cap of the lube off and coated his cock, sprung hard and leaking.

“Ready?”

“Hmm.” Regulus hummed, laying back and closing his eyes blissfully as James lined up and pushed tenderly past the muscle. Regulus gasped and relaxed into it, moaning as it gave and James slid in, seating himself and stilling.

“Okay?”

“Hmm.” He agreed. Allowing Regulus to adjust, James began to move slowly, fixed on his expression, then leant down to kiss him, tongues messily clashing, as Regulus’ knees knocked James’ sides. James rolled his hips and Regulus moaned encouragingly, the familiar burn subsiding and the pleasure taking over. He raked his nails down James’ back and hooked an arm around his neck, pulling him in for a sloppy kiss, interrupted by gasps as he threw his head back and lifted his knees further towards his chest.

“Fucking hell, you feel so good, love.” James panted, moving in steady thrusts, before slowing right down and making each movement deep and hard, but agonisingly slow. “You’re mine.”

“Fucking yours, ah-” Regulus cried out in pleasure, arching his back and moaning. “Yours. James! Jamie!” he whimpered as a hand slid behind his neck and lips leaned in close.

“I know baby, fuck you’re so good for me. So good.” James moaned, voice trembling as he thrust deeply again. “Fuck Regulus.”

“Oh God there!” He whined, eyes rolling as James hit his prostate with every thrust. “Don’t stop, fuck!” with four more deep thrusts, James paused, and looked down at him, drunk on the sight of one another. His chest heaved and Regulus squirmed, begging for movement, questioning why he’d stopped.

“On your stomach.” James ordered, ruggedly.

Regulus smiled and rolled, moaning as his hips were lifted, bringing his knees underneath him. “Fuck,” he whispered, mainly to himself. James’ hand ran down his back, pushing his chest to the bed.

“Okay?” he asked, leaning over him and kissing the back of his neck, his hands around his waist, drawing circles with his thumbs.

Regulus nodded. “Yes, Jamie. Just, ah, just fuck me.”

James chuckled and bit down on the back of Regulus’ neck, sucking, leaving a mark, then retreated. For a moment, nothing, Regulus could hear nothing but the sound of his own chaotic breathing and the moans stifled in the back of his throat. Just as he was about to protest the loss of contact, James gripped his hips and tenderly pushed back inside him, settling for a moment, then setting a faster pace, fucking him harder, deeper.

Regulus saw stars, this angle was new to him, and everything felt deeper and more intense and he was sure he’d come untouched any minute now, and then a hand covered his mouth and a voice whispered in his ear.

“Baby, shut the fuck up.” And a chuckle. “You’re so loud.” A kiss on his lower back, fingers soothing between his shoulder blades as his body trembled with need. Regulus blushed hard and nodded. James slowed the pace, leaning down to kiss Regulus’ back again, and whispering, “So good, fuck…”

Then, taking one of his hands and holding it at the small of his back, James interlaced their fingers as he began to fuck him hard into the mattress. Faster. The pleasure building in his stomach as his toes curled as his dick bounced against the mattress, which was quickly secured by James’ hand, stroking him, pulling him to the edge. Regulus buried his face in a pillow to muffle the sounds he made as he came, shortly followed by James who emptied himself inside him, filling him with his come and riding their orgasms to that trembling point of overstimulation.

            Afterwards, they lay entwined, exchanging lazy kisses and soft touches. James’ hands travelled up and down his body, his lips following suit.

“Was I too rough?” he whispered as he placed gentle kisses to Regulus’ throat.

He grinned and shook his head. “No. It was fucking mind blowing.”

James laughed. “A favourite position? Noted.” He said, chasing the blush on Regulus’ cheeks. “Hey, that’s a good thing! I want to know what you like. I want to make you feel good.”

Regulus looked up at him, the words hovering on his lips, desperate to burst out of him. I love you. I love you. I love you so fucking much it might kill me. He pressed his lips together and suppressed them. “Can I stay?”

“I’d be offended if you didn’t.” James whispered and kissed him.

********

            The others swam out into the cold blue water, throwing a ball between them and shrieking as they fought. Regulus watched James. The muscles in his back, thrown wide across his shoulders, listened to the way he laughed and shouted as Sirius threw long, forcing him to swim for it. The way he’d look back up to shore and smile, or when no one was looking, wink at Regulus when their eyes met. Regulus sat on a picnic blanket in swim shorts and a t-shirt, soaking up the afternoon sun. Lunch lay in ruins of leftovers in plastic containers around him which Lily was slowly packing away. He’d tried to help be she insisted on finishing up herself. Finally, she sat beside him with a sigh and followed his gaze.

“Don’t fancy a swim?” she asked, putting more suncream on her arms and shoulders.

Regulus shook his head. “I don’t feel like getting dunked repeatedly.”

That got a laugh from her, and she nodded. “Tell me about it.”

Regulus watched the water, well, watched James who was now wading through the shallows and up onto shore. The tall tanned Greek god as Barty would say, was heading right for them, eyes fixed on him and when he reached the blankets, shook lake water all over him like a dog.

Regulus shrieked. “James!” he yelled. “You absolute asshole!”

The idiot just grinned and flopped down beside him on the picnic blanket. “You coming in?” he asked dotingly. If he flopped his tongue out of his mouth then it would simply complete his golden retriever impression.

Regulus’ eyes flickered fearfully to the water and back, ready to shove him away. He leant back. “Absolutely not. And now I’m cold.” He scowled, ignoring the way Lily giggled beside him.

James turned to his bag and rummaged through it, pulled out a Blues hoodie and held it out to him. When Regulus didn’t take it, he chuckled. “Put it on. You’re cold.”

Regulus glared at him. Did he not see how obvious he was being? He didn’t dare touch the hoodie. Sirius was right there in the lake, albeit he was currently sucking the face off his boyfriend but still!

James dropped his voice. “Baby, it’s just a hoodie.”

Regulus felt himself go red. He didn’t dare look at Lily who was pretending that she was listening to anything else but them right now. Reluctantly, he took it, and James winked, then tore off back down to the water, throwing himself at Sirius’ back and dunking him below the waves. Pulling the hoodie on over his head, Regulus felt his nervous system immediately calm as it was engulfed in the smell of James.

“Soooooo what was that?” Lily asked smugly, raising her shoulders comically.

“Nothing.” He insisted.

“Sure.” She laughed and stared at him pointedly. “I’m just glad you guys talked. Clearly it went well?”

“Shut up.” He said, concealing a smile as he looked through the pebbles by his feet, beginning to sort them by colour.

Lily looked at the group of them in the waves. “He looks happy again, which is all I wanted. He was so broken this year, I was really worried.”

A pang of awful guilt wrenched at his insides. “We talked about everything.” He said quietly.

“Good. And is it safe to say you’ve made up?” she probed. “Given the hoodie? And the pet name?”

God she’d heard. Regulus blushed and buried his face in his knees. “Yes. Given those things.”

“I presume no one else knows?”

“No.” He said quickly, looking across at her with panicked eyes. “They cannot know.”

She nodded understandingly. “My lips are sealed darling.” She paused. “But I am happy for you.”

“Thanks, Lils.”

*******

They were two weeks into summer, and they still hadn’t heard anymore from Uncle Alphard, which didn’t fill Regulus with much confidence. The whole thing was freaking him out, because yes, a fortnight ago he had felt rather resigned to his fate, but now with everything else, with James, maybe he wasn’t so ready to sign his entire life away. And fuck how was he even supposed to tell James what he’d agreed to? How was he supposed to tell him that come September whatever they were had to end because he’d signed a deal with devil and had to break contact with everyone he had come to love.

Ah. Yes.

There’s the rub.

What Regulus hadn’t confessed to his brother, was the final part of the deal.

It was the thing that was plaguing him each night, the thing that stirred up his anxiety, the thing that told him in the back of his mind, would push away everyone he cared about. The guilt of agreeing to such conditions was eating him alive and with these concerns, came the nightmares. Scenarios where he was forcibly torn from his brother, from James, from his friends and shipped off across the sea. Or worse, scenarios where his parents found out about James and arranged for horrible things to happen to him. Nothing seemed out of the question for them.

It was one such night where he awoke covered in sweat, to James attempting to soothe him.

“Hey! Hey, Reggie! You’re okay, it’s me. It’s me.”

Regulus thrashed, eyes wide with panic.

“Regulus.” James said, placing his hands on his cheeks and steadying him. “You’re okay, breathe, love. In,” he modelled, Regulus attempted to replicate. They were both knelt up now, Regulus gripped onto James’ forearms, grounding himself. “Out.”

He squeezed his eyes closed and inhaled again, following James’ counting.

“Good, baby. Again.”

Regulus breathed in, and out, in and out, and steadily, eventually, his heartbeat slowed and his breathing levelled.

Once he’d come down, Regulus realised how cold he was. “Jamie.” He managed, pawing at him.

“Shhh. I’ve got you, come here.” Arms opened and Regulus fell into them, wrapped tightly around a solid torso, listening to the steady beat of James’ heart, the warmth of his body seeping into him.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered.

“Hey, don’t apologise. Never. Okay?” James kissed his forehead. “You don’t have to tell me about it, but if you want to. I’m here.”

Regulus nodded and drew back, rubbing his face. James studied him. “I’m alright.” He inhaled once more, deep and shaky. “Just, hold me.” He said, lying back down and pulling the covers over them. James slotted himself behind Regulus, snaking a hand over his middle and pulling tightly against him. Then he placed multiple soft kisses to his neck and jaw and Regulus relaxed, taking another deep breath. He didn’t dare think about he was possibly going to be able to give him up. He couldn’t live with himself if he broke James’ heart for a second time.

As he tried to get to sleep, he thought back to the night he’d made the deal with his father, and to the most damning conditions of it all.

Regulus had sat exactly where he’d been told to sit. The chair opposite his father’s desk was hard, its back too straight, the arms too narrow. He had folded his hands in his lap and kept his eyes level, not quite meeting Orion’s gaze, but also not quite looking away. The room smelled faintly of polish and old paper. The old leather armchair beckoned yet his father did not sit. He had paced. One end of the office to the other, hands clasped behind his back, shoes whispering against the rug. He had looked, Regulus thought distantly, like a great mind of ancient times, and remarked to himself that he was certainly manipulative enough.

“Tu souhaites donc aller en Ontario.”  You wish to go to Ontario then. Orion said at last.

“Oui, Papa. Ou bien rester à Montréal, à l’école. J’aimerais rattraper mes lectures.” Yes, Papa. Or to stay in Montreal, at school. I’d like to catch up on my reading. Regulus’ voice had be thankfully rather even.

“Je ne te laisserai pas traîner seul à Montréal pendant que ta mère et moi serons hors du pays. Certainement pas avec Alphard qui n’attend que l’occasion de planter ses griffes en toi.” I will not have you swanning about Montreal alone whilst your mother and I are out of the country. Not with Alphard desperate to get his claws into you. Orion turned sharply, just long enough to look at him. “Tu n’as pas été en contact avec lui, n’est-ce pas?” You haven’t been in contact with him, have you?

“Non Papa.” Regulus had said honestly, frowning.

“Ton frère l’a-t-il été?” Has your brother?

“Je ne sais pas, Papa.” I don’t know Papa. He had answered honestly again.

“Muskoka. C’est bien là que toi et Sirius souhaitez aller?” Muskoka. That is where you and Sirius wish to go? His father clarified. “Ta mère n’appréciera pas. Elle disait que cela te faisait grossir.” Your mother will not like it. She said it made you fat.

“Je surveillerai mes repas.” I will watch my meals. He promised, his gut churning.

“Oui.” Orion stopped. “Tu les surveilleras, en effet.” You most certainly will.

A pause. Orion resumed pacing.

“Je voulais que tu ailles en France. J’avais organisé des perspectives prometteuses pour toi, mais à la place tu choisis l’ingratitude. La banalité. Sauter dans des lacs tout l’été.” I wished for you to go to France. I had arranged promising prospects for you, but instead you wish to be ungrateful. To be common. Jumping into lakes all summer.

Regulus inclined his head and switched to English, as if trying to be more like his brother, as if speaking English would give him some kind of power over his father, some kind of upper hand. “I have worked very hard this year Papa. My grades have been exactly as you wished.”

His father ignored him and continued, but he too, spoke in English. Regulus felt like he’d gained control of the conversation, even just for a fleeting moment.

“You were meant to be making introductions. Learning how things are done.” He waved his hands about, as if a bee were bothering his face. “Not swimming in a lake, drinking alcohol and making exceptionally poor choices.”

Regulus said nothing. He had learned long ago that silence was safer. Orion stopped before the window, his back to Regulus, looking out at the grey Montreal sky.

“Cependant.” However, he said, calmly, and back to English, “you are not wrong that there is value in distance. Perspective.” He turned. “Provided that distance does not become avoidance.”

Regulus’ fingers tightened together.

“Je suis disposé,” I am prepared. Orion continued, “à autoriser cet été.” To allow this summer. The word allow landed heavily. “À condition que nous soyons alignés pour la suite.” On the understanding that we are aligned going forward.

Regulus swallowed. “Aligned how, Papa?”

Orion resumed pacing. One step. Another.

“You will complete your degree,” he said, in English. “In full. On time. No distractions. I appreciate that you have excelled in your Second Year, but as of September, you will live at home, where we can keep an eye on you.” His gaze flicked briefly to Regulus, switching between languages. “You will maintain your grades. Je ne tolérerai pas que tu te ridiculises ni que tu embarrasses cette famille.” I will not have you embarrassing yourself or this family.

“Yes, Papa.”

“You will complete an exchange in France in Semester Two of this upcoming year. Then. After graduation in your fourth year,” Orion went on, “you will enter a placement I arrange. Initially here. Then abroad.” A pause. “France will still require your attention.”

Regulus nodded. His chest felt tight, but he kept his expression neutral.

“You are intelligent,” Orion said coolly. “It would be wasteful not to direct that intelligence. You will learn the business from the inside. You will be present. Visible.”

“Yes, Papa.”

Orion stopped pacing again, this time directly in front of him. “You will also begin behaving like someone with a future,” he said. “You will attend the appropriate functions. Dinners. Introductions.” His mouth curved into something that was not quite a smile. “Tu seras réintroduit auprès de la famille Dubois.” You will be reacquainted with the Dubois family.

Regulus’ stomach dropped, but he did not dare react.

“Their daughter is returning to Montreal more frequently,” Orion continued, as if discussing the weather. “You will get to know her.”

“Yes, Papa.” He forced.

Orion watched him closely, as though expecting resistance. When none came, he nodded once.

“Affection,” he said mildly, “suit souvent la proximité. Il n’est pas nécessaire de compliquer les choses.” Often follows proximity. This need not be complicated. “You will agree to this match.”

“Yes, Papa.” Regulus lowered his gaze. His pulse was loud in his ears.

“There is one more thing,” Orion said.

Regulus looked up again.

“You will not,” Orion said, his voice sharpening by a degree, “make the mistakes your brother insists on making.” A pause. “This family requires stability. Continuity.” His father stared at him pointedly. “Sirius has chosen defiance. Defiance even I cannot beat out of him.” Orion went on. “That is his prerogative.” His eyes bored into Regulus’. “You will not follow him.”

“I won’t,” Regulus said quickly. “I wouldn’t.”

“Bien.” Orion’s tone became malleable, just slightly. “Someone must remain.” He stilled, hands still behind his back, and stared at his youngest son. “In return,” he said, “you may go to Muskoka.” A pause. “Consider it a reward. For your willingness to be reasonable.”

Regulus swallowed nervously. “If I am to go to France, to do ask you have asked. To meet this Dubois girl. Then I want something else.”

“Are you attempting to bargain with me, boy?” Orion’s face creased into a nasty smile.

Regulus ignored him and continued for fear he’d lose his gall. “Sirius is cut loose. You let him go. You pay him out. You leave him be. Forever.”

Orion’s smile loosened and his brow furrowed. “I beg your pardon?”

“You heard me. I will adhere to everything you have asked. As long as Sirius is free. From all of it.”

Orion considered. “Then I have one more condition, in order to meet yours. When you return from Muskoka in August, you will break contact with Sirius. You will never speak to him again. You show your family loyalty, of which he will no longer a part of, no one else. If I accept your terms, he is no longer your brother. You will never see him again. Do you understand?”

Regulus fought himself, fought the tears, fought the panic and nodded once. Decisively. After all, he had nothing keeping him in Canada. “Yes, Papa.”

“Then we have a deal.” Orion smiled connivingly. “But one that must be sealed in writing.” He rounded his desk and took a pen and official letterheaded paper, and drew up a contract, which he read aloud to Regulus. After which he said. “Signe.” Sign.

Regulus hesitated.

“Do you need encouragement?” He asked calmly, lifting his cane from the desk.

“No.” Regulus said quickly, and scrawled his name, signing his life away.

“It is done. Enjoy your little summer in Ontario.” Orion snatched the paper from him and filed it.

“Thank you, Papa,” he said hollowly. What had he done?

Orion inclined his head, already turning back toward his desk. “Sors de ma vue.” Get out of my sight.

Regulus walked out of the office with his back straight and his face composed. Only once the door closed behind him did the weight of it all settle fully in his stomach. Muskoka, he thought dimly, was a small price to pay. He did not yet understand that he had agreed to everything else.

It took Regulus a long time to get to sleep. James’ soft snores into his shoulders the only grounding thing able to pull him from his thoughts. To keep him from his nightmares.

Chapter Text

Chapter Twenty Five

He woke before the mess of black hair beside him and untangled himself from Regulus’ hands. Padding softly around the room, he pulled out workout clothes and got dressed, eyes constantly trailing back to the sleeping form under the covers. In his bed. It was surreal. Given the start to this year, this was never something he thought he’d have the pleasure of seeing again. Regulus was back in his bed and they were good, everything was great. He smiled privately as he stuffed his feet into his socks then rummaged in his drawers for a shirt.

“Where are you going?”

He turned and almost disintegrated at the sight of Regulus, half awake, blinking against the summer sun, engulfed in the blankets. James pulled on sleeveless shirt and crossed the room to bed, sitting and leaning down to kiss him. “Running with Sirius. Didn’t want to wake you.” He said gently.

“Always wake me.” Regulus sighed, sleep roughing his voice as he stretched like a cat.

“My sincerest apologies.” James whispered with a smirk and kissed him again, slipping his tongue briefly between Regulus’ lips and grinning at the involuntary sound that passed between them. “I’ve got to go.” He winked and stood up, suddenly unwilling and now wanting to abandon his entire workout routine just to be able to stay in bed with Regulus. He shoved his feet into his trainers and tied them methodically.

“Bye, love. Go back to sleep.” He said, running over to kiss him once more.

“Bye.” Regulus said, already resettling under the covers as James opened his bedroom door and closed it gently behind him to find Sirius already walking towards him from his room.

“Short one this morning Prongs?” Sirius whinged.

James laughed light-heartedly, as if his best friend’s little brother wasn’t currently asleep in his bed. “In your dreams, we’re doing the ten k loop.”

Sirius stopped dead. “No.”

James grinned. “Yes.”

“No,” Sirius repeated, louder, like volume might change reality, whinging like a child.

“Nope. Suck it up Pads. I’m not going into pre-season slacking.” He pranced down the stairs like a stag and ignored his best friend’s protests, but his mind was still in bed with pale grey eyes.

            Outside, the morning was already warm, the lake flat and glittering as if laced with diamonds. They ran along the road first, sticking to the lakeside then cut up into the trees along one of the many trails. James set a steady but relentless pace, and drank from the hydration pack he wore on his back, loaded with water, protein bars and bear spray, just in case. Sirius lagged a little behind, not out of breath, just grumpy and unmotivated. The track climbed steeply upwards but was thankfully dry underfoot, when it rained, this path was lethal. James had slipped near top to bottom as a teenager and sliced a gash in his calf the size of his hand. Today though, conditions were perfect.

“You good?” James asked lightly, not bothering to look behind him.

“Thriving,” Sirius said immediately. “Living my best cardio life.”

James laughed. The trail steepened as they climbed, switchbacks biting into their thighs. At the viewpoint near the top, James slowed to a jog, then a walk. They stopped, hands on hips, chests heaving and admired the lake stretched out below them, framed by trees, so painfully serene. Unfortunately, the silence was entirely ruined by Sirius’ protestations. James dug into his pack and tossed him a protein bar to shut him up.

Sirius caught it and squinted at the label. “Chocolate peanut butter again? Honestly Prongs, you have the palate of a Labrador.”

“Eat it or continue to whine about your lack of breakfast,” James said pleasantly.

They sat on a fallen log, chewing in silence for a moment.

Then James said, quieter, more wary of the answer, “You’ve been weird recently.”

Sirius snorted. “I’m always weird.”

“You’ve been weirder,” James pressed. “Checking your phone all the time. Snapping at Remus. You let someone else win monopoly last night and you didn’t even flip the board.”

“I’ve grown as a person,” Sirius said performatively, then sighed. “I’m fine, James.”

James turned, fixing him with a look. “You’re a terrible liar.”

Sirius peeled at the protein bar wrapper. “I said I’m fine.”

James didn’t push further, even though every instinct told him Sirius was carrying something heavy and dangerous. Instead, he leaned back on the log, staring at the sky through the trees. “Draft’s in April,” James said. “Feels surreal.”

Sirius laughed humourlessly. “Feels like a prank.”

“You’ll get drafted,” James said easily.

Sirius shook his head. “No. You will. You’re a machine and loads of teams are begging for fresh quarterbacks at the minute. Me?” He shrugged. “Plenty of guys like me. Bigger. Faster. Less of a risk.”

James frowned and sat up, stuffing the wrapper back in his backpack. “That’s bullshit.”

“It’s statistical,” Sirius replied. “And that’s just the vibes I’m getting. Coaches never want to speak to me about the draft.”

“That’s not true. They don’t talk to you because you’re on a good trajectory, there’s nothing to say.”

Sirius huffed a misguided laugh. “You’re an idiot if you think that’s true.”

“An optimistic idiot,” James corrected. “And you’ll be there. I don’t care if it’s first round or last. You’ll make it.”

Sirius looked away, jaw tightening again. “Yeah. Sure.”

After ten minutes, taking in the view and talking nonsense, they stood and started stretching out retracted muscles, and lifted their packs back onto their shoulders. Before he could give him another moment to moan, James took off down the trail, forcing Sirius to chase him and cackled triumphantly as his best friend hurled insults at him. They descended fast, feet pounding, air rushing past them, until the trees thinned and the lake appeared again, close enough to smell the water, the vegetation. The path flattened out, looping along the shoreline.

“This feels long,” Sirius panted, cheeks pink now. “You sure this is ten?”

James glanced at his watch. “Did I say ten?” he asked innocently.

Sirius blanched, looking ready to throttle him. “James Fleamont Potter.”

But he just grinned menacingly. “I meant fifteen.”

“You absolute asshole!” Sirius snapped. “You manipulative, cardio obsessed prick!”

James laughed unrepentantly and picked up the pace just to make Sirius swear louder. “Come on! Push for the last five!”

“Fuck you!”

When they got back, breathless and in two very different moods, they traipsed up the lawn dripping in sweat, and shoving each other playfully. Regulus, Remus, Mary and Lily were already sat out on the lawn, soaking up the morning sun and eating bowls of chopped up fruit and Greek yoghurt. James smiled easily and his stomach fluttered as he noticed how happy Regulus looked, laughing at something Lily said, and eating, actually eating. They came to a stop in front of them and Sirius threw himself on the floor, grumbling. James met Regulus’ eyes and winked once, causing him to blush and subtly flipped him off. James chuckled smugly and turned his attention to Sirius. 

“Faring okay Pads?” he said with feigned sympathy.

Sirius held up a middle finger, still panting uncontrollably. “Do not speak to me.”

“Love you too, bro.” James smirked, kicking Sirius’ foot affectionately.

Lily placed her bowl down beside her and unlocked her phone, leaning back in Mary’s lap. “I can’t believe we’ve already been here three weeks. Where does the time go?”

“Tell me about it.” Mary agreed, lighting a cigarette and inhaling.

“Give!” Sirius called, crawling towards her and plucking it from her fingers.

“Hey!” She yelled, swatting him around the head.

“Oh sure! That’s definitely going to help.” James said sarcastically, sitting down on the grass opposite Remus and Regulus, stretching his foot forwards and tapping Regulus’ momentarily, earning him a smile.

“Stop blowing it in my face Sirius!” Lily squeaked, sitting up and moving closer to Regulus.

“I am dying Evans have some decorum!” Sirius yelped, taking a long drag from Mary’s cigarette before she wrestled it back off him.

“Prongs,” Remus said, ignoring the chaos at the far end of the blankets. “If Sirius ever goes missing. Do not look for him.”

James laughed heartily and tapped his nose. “Understood.”

*******

“Someone might come downstairs,” Regulus panted as James sucked and kissed his neck, pressing him up against the counter, rolling his hips against him.

James hummed, disagreeing. “Too late, everyone is in bed.” He held Regulus’ jaw in one hand and turned his head to kiss him. Regulus’ hands flew to James hair and gripped the curls, something that always sent James wild. He groaned and deepened the kiss, sneaking a hand under Regulus’ shirt.

They’d only come down briefly to put their bowls in the dishwasher. James had made pasta for them, and they’d watched a movie in Regulus’ bed while they ate, then Regulus had fallen asleep in his arms and James had nearly spontaneously combusted.

“Maybe,” Regulus gasped as he was lifted onto the counter. “Maybe we should go back upstairs- ah!”

James was purposefully ignoring him, but he just couldn’t get enough. He tipped Regulus’ head back and returned to kissing his neck, lapping at the crook as it met his collar bone, licking at the divots.

“James,” Regulus whined, wrapping his legs around his waist and pulling him closer. When suddenly, a creak from upstairs brought him back to earth. James quickly came to his senses and he pulled away, pressing their foreheads together and trying to level his breathing.

“Mmm. Yes. We should… we should go upstairs.”

Before Regulus could say a word, James put his shoulder to Regulus’ stomach and hoisted him up over it so that his torso hung down James’ back, his feet kicking in feeble protest.

“James Potter put me down!” Regulus shrieked as quietly as possible, kicking wildly and belly laughing. “Put me down, Jesus Christ!”

“Shhh. You’ll wake everyone up!” James told him in a very serious voice, arm wrapped tightly behind Regulus’ thighs, pinning him to his body.

“I hate you.” Regulus pouted, and resentfully suffering his fate when he realised that struggling would get him nowhere. James’ biceps were the same width as his thighs. He didn’t stand a chance.

“No, you don’t.” James grinned as he quietly ascended the stairs, checking down the hallway at the top and hurrying right, towards his own room.

He locked the door behind them and then launched Regulus onto his bed, allowing him to roll over before he pounced, kissing him, running his hands along his body, sucking his tongue into his mouth. The little sounds Regulus made were all the encouragement he needed to pull at the hem of his shirt and move back as Regulus sat up to take it off. They both stripped haphazardly, eyes still drinking each other in, mouths slack, until they were kissing again. James laced his fingers into Regulus’ hair and pulled him on top of him, kissing him with unwavering obsession, which was borderlining on unhealthy, but he didn’t have time to unpack all that.

“Touch me.” Regulus gasped and James flipped them with ease, running a hand down Regulus’ thigh and lifting his hip to give him better access.

“How?” he asked, gazing down at him, mouth open, waiting for the order.

“I don’t care.” Regulus whined, bucking his hips for contact.

James smirked and sat back on his heels as he had an idea. He took the bottle of lube from the bedside drawer and squeezed some onto his fingers. When he snapped the cap closed, he reached forwards, took Regulus’ hand and placed atop his own.

Then he lowered his voice, eyefucking him with a mischievous smile. “Guide my fingers. Show me what you like.”

Regulus’ eyes widened and he blushed. “What?”

“You’re in charge. Move my hand. Fuck yourself with my fingers.” James said darkly, kissing the surprise from his face, nudging his jaw, kissing his neck, and whispering. “Show me.”

“Fuck,” Regulus exhaled, but James felt delicate fingers press against his as he pushed James’ hand downwards. James complied, smiling smugly, still placing wet kisses along his neck, resisting the urge to cover him in marks. That wouldn’t do in the middle of summer. Regulus whimpered delightfully as James’ finger breached the tight muscle, encouraged by Regulus’ hand. Curling and searching for the sensitive ball of nerves, James watched him, open mouthed, obsessively, until Regulus’ hand stilled, so naturally, James stilled.

“Jamie!” Regulus protested.

James shook his head, biting his lip. “Its all you baby,” he readjusted, hooking Regulus’ knee over his shoulder, nipping at his inner thigh, leaving marks near the crease of his hip where he knew no one would see them. Regulus tensed in pleasure and moaned, then pushed James’ hand deeper, gripping his wrist. “Fuck, you’re so good for me,” James whispered, Regulus’ skin between his teeth, smiling when another of his fingers were encouraged to join the first. His hand was pushed and moved and drawn back in a steady rhythm and James couldn’t take his eyes off him. Regulus’ thigh trembled against James’ shoulder, tensing with every thrust.

“Shit,” Regulus gasped and still, panting. “Please.” He moaned.

“Please what?” James grinned, mouth still on Regulus’ upper thigh, peppering it with purple.

“Fuck me.” Regulus’ eyes locked onto his and James instinctively surged forwards to kiss him. Then he moved so he was lying beside him, and rolled Regulus’ hip onto its side, but keeping his back flat on the mattress so that he was twisted at his waist. Then James pressed his dick against the curve of Regulus’ ass and held him there whilst he pressed kisses to his stomach.

“Comfortable?” he asked, smiling when Regulus nodded, eyes still locked. James moved Regulus’ top leg up the bed, bent at the knee and slid his hand between his legs, rubbing a finger against his hole. “Ok?” he asked, placing an open mouthed kiss to Regulus’ chest.

Nodding, Regulus put his arm around James’ shoulders, and entangled his fingers in the soft brown curls. James took this as his sign to add more lube to his leaking cock and line himself up.

“Yes?”

“Fuck, Jamie. Yes. Stop asking me!” Regulus laughed and rolled his eyes.

But he shook his head adamantly, eyes earnest. “No can do. I’d rather ask. Every time.”

He kissed him hungrily, and gently but firmly pushed inside him, hand holding Regulus’ hip, pulling him back against him. They both moaned, the sound muffled in the kiss. James paused when he was fully seated, breathing heavy. Regulus pushed back and gasped, throwing his head back as he cried out.

“I never want to give this up,” James mumbled, kissing Regulus’ chest, tongue sliding over his nipple.

“Fuck!” Regulus whimpered and tensed around James’ cock, almost sending him over the edge right then and there. “How are you making conversation right now?” he asked between gasps, still pushing back on him, begging for him to move. “Just, fuck!”

James chuckled, kissing him. “Why? Are you finding it hard to concentrate?” and thrust his hips forwards once.

“Fucking fuck!” Regulus moaned, fingers tightening in James’ hair. “You prick!” he said, then smiled, trying not to laugh, the sound turning into an impatient whine.

James nuzzled his face into Regulus’ neck and pressed his lips together to stop himself from showing his heart. He’d almost done it. The words were there, almost falling out of his mouth.

I love you. I love you. Don’t ever leave me because I won’t survive.

But he caught them, and remodelled them, and instead said, “I wish we could stay in this room forever. Be here, at the lake, alone.”

“Hmm,” Regulus agreed. “Jamie, as much as I adore this sentimentality, I swear to god if you don’t fuck me soon, I’m going to explode.”

Then they were laughing, and kissing, and James began to move in slow, lazy thrusts, their noses smushed together as they steamrolled towards the precipice until they came in unison, bodies trembling with overstimulation. It was a while before James pulled out, too busy kissing those perfect lips to care, hands possessively holding one another, aftershocks stifling moans and isolating them from the world in their own secret bubble.

********

James stood ankle deep in coiled rope, trying to remember which line his dad had told him to replace and which one he’d said was “perfectly bloody fine, kiddo, stop fussing.” The boathouse smelled like old wood and damp, but to James such smells were nostalgic. They’d always remind him of here, and being a kid. His dad was at the far end, methodically sorting buoys into piles and grumbling under his breath.

“Don’t just stare at it, kid.” Monty said. “Either tie it or toss it. I want to get this done before lunch.”

James bent and looped the rope around the cleat, fingers moving on autopilot. “I am tying it.”

“You’re thinking while tying,” Monty replied. “That’s how knots fail.”

James snorted and shook his head. “You always say that.”

“And I’m always right.” Monty glanced over his shoulder and straightened. “Now that your season’s done, and you’re less touchy about it. How’re you feeling about it?” he asked cautiously.

James tightened the knot, then immediately loosened it and redid it. “Like shit.”

Monty hummed. “To the point, though arguably pessimistic.”

“We shouldn’t have gone out in the playoffs,” James said. “We were better than that team.”

“On paper,” Monty said, holding out a finger. “Football’s not played on paper.” Then he bent down again and began sorting through a box of tackle.

James leaned back against the wooden post and let the rope go slack in his hands. “I got in my head.”

That earned him Monty’s full attention. His dad straightened again and rested his hands on his hips, studying his son intently. “That so?”

“Yeah,” James admitted. “Misunderstood plays. Second guessed calls. Started playing safe. I bottled it.”

Monty nodded slowly. “And why were you so in your head?”

James hesitated.

Monty raised an eyebrow. “Was this about a girl?”

James barked out a surprised laugh. “No.”

Monty waited.

James sighed. “It was about a guy.” There it was. He braced, shoulders tensing, eyes fixed on his dad’s face, hands tightening around the rough rope in his hands.

Monty nodded. Then said, “Alright.”

James frowned. “Alright?”

Monty shrugged. “Is that not alright?”

James swallowed. “I, yeah, I don’t know. I didn’t know if…”

Monty cut him off gently. “Hey, kid. As long as you’re happy, I’m happy. You date whoever you want.”

James stared at him, eyes prickling. “You’re… you’re not weird about it?”

Monty scoffed. “I fix boat engines for fun and married your mother. My threshold for ‘weird’ is very high.”

James laughed. He wasn’t surprised at this response. He knew that his parents weren’t like that, weren’t like Lily’s or Sirius’, and perhaps he also knew that they kind of assumed he was bisexual, but he’d never said it so explicitly before. Perhaps this was yet another thing he’d gotten too in his head about. “Thanks, dad.”

Monty stepped closer, clapped a hand on James’ shoulder. “That said,” he added, tone shifting, “if this relationship has got you playing like a ghost of yourself, then we need to talk about balance.”

James nodded immediately. “I know.”

“Do you?” Monty asked. “Because next season isn’t just any season.”

“I know,” James said again. “It’s the season.”

“Exactly,” Monty said. “Scouts aren’t just watching tape now. They’re watching consistency. Leadership. How you handle pressure when things go sideways.”

James ran a hand through his hair. “I let it cloud my judgement.”

“Relationships will do that,” Monty said. “Doesn’t mean you avoid them forever. Means you learn how to compartmentalise.”

James grimaced. “You make it sound easy.”

“It’s not,” Monty said flatly. “But it’s necessary. You can’t bring heartbreak into the huddle. Can’t be replaying conversations in your head when you’re meant to be reading a defence.”

James nodded, jaw tight. “I know.”

“You still with this guy?”

James shrugged, and rubbed the back of his neck. “I mean, yeah. Its been kind of on and off. Its fucked with my head a lot…But I want to be with him.”

“Then you’ve got to learn to organise your thoughts. To,”

“Compartmentalise.” James echoed, nodding slightly.

Monty gestured with his chin affirmatively. “You still want the draft? You want to play professionally?”

James didn’t hesitate. “Yeah.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” Monty said. “That so, then what’s your plan?”

James exhaled. “Extra film study. Clean up my footwork. I’m talking to the strength coach about changing my off-season program. More mobility, less bulk.”

Monty nodded approvingly. “And interviews?”

James winced. “Hate them.”

“Everyone does,” Monty said. “Doesn’t matter. They’ll poke at your losses. Ask about that playoff exit. Ask what went wrong.”

James met his eyes. “I always tell the truth.”

Monty smiled. “Exactly. You own it. You say you got in your head, you learned from it, and you won’t let it happen again.”

James hesitated. “What if they ask about… distractions?”

Monty shrugged. “Then you say you’re human. But you’ve got your priorities straight.”

James let out a breath. “You really don’t care that it’s a guy.”

Monty snorted. “James, I care if he treats you like shit. I care if he makes you doubt yourself. I care if he messes with your head right before playoffs.”

James looked away. “Yeah.”

Monty softened. “But who you love? That’s the least interesting thing about you.”

James laughed heartily, partly from relief, partly from the brazen nature of the comment. “That might be the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.” He joked.

“Don’t tell your mother,” Monty said. “It’ll ruin my reputation.”

The lake lapped at the boat house, the old banger his dad was currently working on knocked against the boards.

Monty clapped his hands once. “Alright. Enough emotional growth. Hand me that buoy.”

James passed it over. “Thanks, Dad.”

Monty nodded. “Anytime, kid. Now tie that line again. Properly this time.”

James laughed and bent back to the rope, feeling lighter than he had in weeks, even as the weight of the coming season settled squarely on his shoulders. He could step up, he had to, he simply had no choice but to. But he also had to not let Regulus consume his every waking thought, which quite honestly could be impossible. There seemed to never be a moment where James wasn’t thinking about him, or wondering about him, or worrying about him. Along with the terrifying notion that he was definitely in love with him and had no idea how to say it.

*******

The fourth week of the summer started with rain. All of them had been cooped up for three days now and no amount of board games and books and stupid challenges could ease the caged animals that were James and Sirius. The others existed quietly, Lily and Remus found a thousand piece puzzle and had commandeered the coffee table to complete it, shouting at Sirius when he tried to put his coffee mug on it, God forbid. Lily had swatted him hard with a cushion and sent him bolting for the safety of the kitchen, laughing and complaining that he had nowhere to sit.

            It also meant, that James and Sirius had to work out in the home gym in the garage, but with only one weight bench and one treadmill, it felt very cramped, very quickly. So, taking a couple of weights upstairs, James had taken to doing shorter workouts in his bedroom either first thing in the morning or before he showered in the evening. On the third afternoon of solid rain, James was working out in his room, music playing from his TV when there was a knock at his door. He’d been halfway through a set, which pissed him off, but he put the weights down and went to the door, sweating and out of breath. Yanking it open, he immediately softened.

“Hey.” He said, seeing Regulus on the other side in a hoodie and baggy sweats, his book tucked under his arm.

“Wow.” Regulus said, staring at him with the trace of a smile and the beginnings of blush on his cheeks.

James smirked, and leant against the door. “Can I help you?” he asked, purposefully disinterested.

“Everyone has gone to town with your mum.” Regulus said, staring at James’ torso.

“I’m working out.” James said, cocking his head to one side.

“Oh.” Regulus said, clearly disappointed but as he turned aside, James reached out and caught his wrist, chuckling.

“I’m messing with you, come in,” he smiled, pulling him close and kissing him. The door swung closed and James locked it for good measure, just in case. “Sit, I’m nearly done.” He gestured to his bed and watched Regulus climb onto it, crossing his legs.

“Don’t stop on my account.” Regulus said, opening his book.

James grinned, unable to comprehend the way this grumpy man made his stomach flip, how he never wanted to be parted from him. Regulus turned a page, playing James at his own game. He picked up his weights again and started his set, breathing through his nose as his muscles burned with effort. He didn’t dare to peer up to see if Regulus was watching, he knew he would be, even if he pretended that he wasn’t. Two more sets, and he was done, tucking his weights snug against the wall and turning to Regulus, panting and sweaty.

Regulus looked up, unimpressed. “I reckon I could take you in a fight.”

With a laugh, James sauntered towards him. “Baby.”

“What! I could!” Regulus protested, kneeling up on the bed after putting his bookmark in the book he was holding and setting down on the throw.

James raised an eyebrow then sat on the bed next to him. “Go on then, you pin me down.” and couldn’t help the smile that crept across his face as he watched Regulus settle in his lap, straddling him, a determined look in his eye. As the slighter man grabbed at his wrists, James twisted easily out of his grip, eyes fixed on his face, his stomach churning as Regulus’ laugh fell into giggles when he tried to shove James onto his back unsuccessfully over and over again. Laughing more with every failed attempt.

“Are you done?” James asked calmly with a shit-eating grin.

“Nope.” Regulus said, straining as he tried to flatten him and grab his wrists, but he was smirking again, and James took his opportunity to flip them, laughing too when Regulus started cackling. It was the most carefree James had ever seen him, and his heart lurched. He took Regulus’ wrists and pinned them either side of his head, using his hips to pin his body down. Regulus squirmed, laughing, pulling and wriggling to no avail.

Then, Regulus rolled his hips and grinned triumphantly, feebly trying to push him off before giving up and looking up at him with doe-like eyes.

Realisation broke over James face and he grinned. “You manipulative little shit!” he laughed. “This is exactly what you wanted!”

“Apparently your ego is that fragile.” Regulus said smugly before leaning up to kiss him, pulling pitifully at the hands that held him, but James didn’t relent and kissed him back just as hard.

“Well, I’ve got a bit of time,” he said softly, kissing Regulus’ neck. “And everyone is out.” another kiss. “As long as you don’t mind me being a little sweaty?”

“Not at all.” Regulus murmured.

*******

Marlene announced herself the moment she was through the door with a shriek.

“Another year, another summer in paradise!” She yelled as she launched herself at Mary and Lily the three of them bouncing up and down excitedly and kissing one another on the cheek.

Pete trailed in behind shyly, holding up a hand to James in greeting and following the girls sheepishly into the living room. Marlene leapt on James next, squishing his cheeks and kissing them.

“My god you are a fucking unit, Potter! What are they feeding you?” she gawped, squeezing his arms and punching him lightly in the abs.

James chuckled but didn’t dare look over to where Regulus sat for fear he’d burst into flames when those likely seething grey eyes found him. Regulus didn’t like loud people, and Marlene was the loudest person he’d ever known. James knew it wouldn’t be long before Regulus retreated upstairs for the evening to hide. But that was okay, he didn’t want to force him to put himself in situations he wasn’t comfortable in.

            Pete and Marlene said their hellos to Monty and Effie and eventually the group made their way out to the decking for dinner. James was designated barman, so he stayed in the kitchen to pull beers and ice from the fridge. Checking they were alone, he looked over his shoulder to where Regulus was still sat.

“You don’t have to stay love.” He offered. “If its too much go up to my room and I’ll bring you dinner later?”

Regulus considered this. James could see the anxiety on his face, the way he chewed on the inside of his mouth, the way his hands balled around the red fabric of his McGill hoodie. “It’ll look weird if I go.”

“Do you want to go?” James re-phrased.

“I want to sit next to you.” Regulus said sadly. “But that’s too risky.”

“Me too, love.” James loaded his arms with beers. “Sit next to Lils. If you don’t feel like eating, make an excuse to go and I’ll cook you something later. Okay?”

Regulus smiled bashfully. “Okay.” He whispered, and followed James outside.

            James sat beside Marlene and she threw her arms around him, then thanked him for the beer. Food was passed around and Effie began chewing Marlene’s ear off about her job and what she’d been up to all year, and willingly, Marlene complied, but all James was concerned about was the way Regulus pushed food around his plate and smiled fakely whenever someone spoke to him. James’ chest ached with the need to sit beside him, hold his hand and help him realise how likeable he was, how much people wanted to be around him. To fix the anxious pit that swallowed him and show him that it was okay to eat in front of people. But he also knew that none of that was an overnight fix, no matter how arrogantly he thought he could solve it in one sitting.

“Sooo,” Marlene started, finishing the last of her beer. “Boat tomorrow, Potter?”

“Course!” James grinned. “Padfoot, you in?”

“As long as you don’t make me run Prongs, I’m up for anything.” Sirius grumbled, shovelling another mouthful of food in.

*******

Incessant ringing woke them both. James blinked out of sleep, sucking in a breath as Regulus pulled out of his arms and rolled over to grab his phone from the beside table.

“Who is it?” James asked croakily.

Regulus hesitated. “My father.” He answered the phone, sitting up in bed, the covers draped over his lap. “Oui Papa.”

James lay back down and rested on hand on Regulus’ thigh, in the hope that it would ground him, remind him that he was right there when he needed him.

“Je sais.” Regulus said submissively and nodded. His father continued to talk. “Je fais attention à ce que je mange. Non, je n’ai rien dit à Sirius.” Concern altered his expression. “Je ne mens pas. Je ne sais pas pourquoi l’oncle Alphard essaie de te contacter, Papa.”

James watched him helplessly, wishing he’d paid more attention to his French classes in high school. Or was that nosy? Regulus should be allowed to have private conversations. He moved his thumb in slow circles on Regulus’ thigh and waited.

“Je serai de retour à Montréal au début du mois d’août.” Regulus picked at a thread on the duvet. “Je suis engagé envers la France, Papa.”

Regulus lay back against the pillows, eyes glassy and James took this as his sign to move, sliding over and laying his head on Regulus’ stomach, wrapping his arms around his middle tightly. Regulus’ hand immediately found James’ hair, threading his fingers through the curls.

“Non, Papa.” His fingers stilled. “Je comprends. Je la rencontrerai donc en septembre. Feras-tu les arrangements?”

James felt Regulus’ body tense up. He tightened his grip on Regulus’ middle and wished he could take the phone off him and tell his father to fuck off and leave him alone. But he figured that probably wouldn’t go down too well.

“J’ai hâte. Merci, Papa. Au revoir. Au revoir.” Regulus put the phone down and exhaled, the mental load weighing on his face.

“What happened?” James asked gently, lifting himself onto his elbows and looking up at Regulus.

But he just shook his head dismissively. “Nothing, its fine. Just my father checking up on me.”

James didn’t believe him for a second. Regulus’ hand was still in his hair, playing with it absently as he stared dissociatively at the bed.

“Baby.” James said, putting himself in Regulus’ eyeline, forcing him to meet his eye.

“I’m fine.” A tight smile.

James gave him a withering look.

“Don’t.”

He leant forwards and kissed him lightly, and felt the first tear drop onto Regulus’ cheek, sliding onto his own. Something broke in him and he sat up, pulling Regulus into his lap and holding him tightly.

“Hey. No one has the right to make you feel like this. Especially not your parents.”

“I’m fine.” He insisted.

James sighed, and just held him, letting Regulus cry into his neck. “I’ve got you.” He said quietly, wishing there was a way he could help, ignoring the fact that he was one impulsive thought away from flying to Montreal himself and telling Regulus’ father exactly what he thought of him.

Chapter Text

Chapter Twenty Six

“Who’s got you smiling at your phone like a bloody fool?” Sirius grinned as he tried to snatch James’ phone from him.

“No one.” James said quickly, pocketing it.

“Bullshit. Come on. Who is it?” he dropped his voice, sidling up to his best friend as they leant on the railings overlooking the lake.

“Padfoot.” James warned with a roll of his eyes.

“Oh please! Just tell me! I won’t tell a soul!”

James laughed brazenly. “That’s a lie if ever I heard one! You can’t keep a secret to save your life!”

He gasped in horror, “I’ll have you know I am excellent at keeping secrets.”

“Go on then. Tell me a secret you’ve kept to yourself.”

“Well. For one, I know that Prewett got some girl pregnant in freshman year.” Sirius bragged.

“Wait. What?” James’ eyes widened, dumfounded.

“Ah shit.” Sirius mumbled.

In shock, James prodded. “He did what?”

“You didn’t hear that from me!” Sirius began to walk off, down the wooden steps and onto the lawn.

“Padfoot!” James yelled after him, too stunned to move.

“Nope Prongs. La la la la!” Sirius was running now. “You definitely didn’t hear that from me!”

“Tell me! Padfoot holy shit!” James was chasing him, completely taken aback.

“Alright!” Sirius stopped. “Fine.” And with a poorly concealed smile, told him the entire saga.

When he was done, James huffed an I told you so laugh.

“You’re a terrible secret keeper.”

And the subject of James’ secret crush was forgotten entirely.

********

Sirius decided, almost immediately, that Pete was the worst possible person to teach Lily how to play chess because he took all the potential fun out of an exceptionally boring game.

“No, see,” Pete said, hunched over the coffee table, “the bishop goes diagonally. Always diagonally. Only, diagonally.”

Lily frowned at the board. “That feels fake.”

“It’s not fake,” Pete said patiently. “It’s the rules.”

Sirius, stretched out at one end of the massive corner sofa with Remus half curled into his side, snorted. “Strong argument, Pete. Really airtight. It’s the rules. You should teach classes.”

Remus elbowed him lightly, though he was smiling too. Sirius felt it through the hoodie Remus had stolen that morning. He glanced at his boyfriend, admiring the way the fabric swamped him. Even though Remus was taller than him, football had made Sirius broad yet still slight, if ever a juxtaposition existed, he was it.

Lily picked up the bishop anyway and moved it one square forward.

Pete sighed in frustration. “No.”

“I just want to see what happens,” Lily said.

“Nothing will happen! That’s not how chess works.”

“That’s how my chess works.” Lily beamed, making the bishop breakdance on the board. “Does this get him extra points?”

Sirius leaned his head back against the cushions. “I’m with Lily. Free the bishop. Let him explore his options.”

Pete looked up at him, eyes narrowed. “You don’t even know how to play.”

“I absolutely know how to play,” Sirius said. “I simply choose chaos.”

Remus laughed quietly, the sound vibrating against Sirius’ shoulder. “You got checkmated in six moves by Regulus last week.”

“First of all,” Sirius said, “it was seven. Second, he’s a freak.”

From the floor, Regulus spoke but didn’t look up from his phone. “You tried to open with the queen. Like an idiot.”

“Uncalled for,” Sirius said. “I was being bold.”

“Boldly stupid,” Regulus replied.

Pete pointed at the board again. “Lily. Please. The bishop.”

Lily sighed theatrically and slid it diagonally. “There. Happy?”

Pete relaxed like someone had released pressure from a valve. “Yes. Thank you.”

Sirius clicked his tongue. “Wow. Authoritarian vibes. Didn’t know chess came with a dictatorship.”

Remus shifted, tucking his legs closer and leaning in so his mouth was near Sirius’ ear. “If you keep talking, he’s going to throw a pawn at you.”

“I welcome it,” Sirius said. “I’ve always wanted to be attacked by a pawn. Feels symbolic.”

Remus laughed again, then murmured, “Shut up, you are such a menace!” and pressed a quick kiss to the side of Sirius’ head, right above his temple.

Sirius grinned uncontrollably. “You love it.”

“I love you,” Remus corrected, still smiling. “Even though you are an utter danger to society.”

From the floor, came a disturbed voice. “You two are disgusting, and now I am puking everywhere. Projectile vomiting. My ears are bleeding.” Regulus drawled, still not looking up from his phone.

Sirius kicked him gently with a socked foot. “Shut up.” And laughed softly.

At the coffee table, Lily moved another piece. “So what does this one do?”

Pete blinked. “That’s the knight.”

“It looks like a horse,” Lily said.

“It is a knight. Knights have horses.” Pete said, but he sounded so done. Sirus smirked.

“Did the knight fall off the horse? Should the horse be left to make such important decisions without its rider?” Lily asked, face etched with concern.

“Just pretend the knight is there!” Pete squeaked, ears turning pink.

Then she frowned and scrunched up her nose. “Why does the horse move like that?”

Sirius leaned forward to whisper over her shoulder. “Because it refuses to conform.”

Pete groaned. “Sirius.”

“What?!” Sirius said. “The horse does whatever it wants. Very relatable.”

Lily moved the knight in an L shape, knocking over a pawn in the process. “Oops.”

Pete stared at the fallen piece. “You can’t just knock them over.”

“She trampled it!” Sirius said solemnly. “The horse hungers. Sacrilege!”

Remus buried his face briefly in Sirius’ shoulder, laughing. “You are not helping. Shut up!”

Sirius grinned smugly, rubbing his foot against Remus’ absentmindedly. “I’m merely enriching the experience with contextual sound effects.”

Mary, perched on the arm of the sofa with Marlene, looked over. “Is Lily winning?”

“No,” Pete said firmly.

Lily smiled confidently. “I think I am.”

Sirius settled back, Remus warm and familiar against him, the lake light slanting in through the windows. He watched Lily grin at the board whilst Pete despaired quietly.

“What we doing?” James asked, coming in from the garage, slick with sweat, body still heaving.

Sirius wondered whether he was mentally sound or just weirdly obsessed with football, because who goes this hard in the off-season? He wanted to tell him to take a fucking chill pill, but he also couldn’t be bothered to listen to the lecture James would give him about prep and pressure and making your own future, blah blah blah.

“I’m playing chess!” Lily said proudly and Sirius fell about in fits of laughter. Pete looked fuming.

“I am attempting to teach Lily chess.” Pete clarified.

James smirked. “I’ll shower, then I’ll join you. We can start on lunch.”

Sirius waved a hand as James retreated and turned his attention back to Lily asking Pete whether the queen had left her crown in her bedroom. Then he clocked Regulus getting up.

“Where are you off to?” he pressed, grabbing his sleeve.

Regulus pulled his arm away. “I’m going to get my book. If you must know.” and padded quietly up the stairs.

            Forty minutes later, James returned, cheeks pink. “Lunch?” he announced, clapping his hands together.

“Longest shower in history.” Sirius teased. “You get lost?”

James scoffed. “Yeah, couldn’t find my way to the stairs. It got a bit sketchy for a while, not gonna lie. Blew my mind.” He snipped sarcastically and grinned as he waltzed towards the kitchen.

Sirius stood, and pulled Remus to his feet, holding onto his hands as his boyfriend stretched his legs. “Kay?” he asked quietly.

“Hmm.” Remus nodded, lifting his leg and easing it into a stretch. Sirius reached up to kiss him and when they broke away, he winked at him affectionately.

Regulus reappeared then, though he was in different clothes and there was no book in sight. Weirdo. Sirius thought but his mind went immediately to food when James started pulling things from the fridge and all questions were forgotten.

********

Remus lay on his back, bare chested under the covers, light brown freckles scattered across his skin, from his waist to his eyes. Sirius was tucked into his side, one leg thrown over Remus’ thigh, chin resting on his chest, finger hovering thoughtfully above a familiar cluster.

“Hold still,” Sirius murmured as he traced a pen along Remus’ skin.

“I’m literally not moving,” Remus said. “You’re the one squirming.”

“That’s because this one is hard,” Sirius replied, tracing a careful line between two freckles. “If I connect these wrong it turns into, like, a spoon.”

Remus huffed a laugh. “A tragic fate for Leo.”

“Show some respect,” Sirius said, feigning offence. “He was a hunter.”

“He’s currently a stick figure,” Remus said fondly.

Sirius connected another couple of freckles, then leaned back to inspect his work. “There. Perfect. Absolutely nailed it.”

Remus tilted his head, trying to look down at his own chest. “You say that every time.”

“And I’m right every time.” He beamed, head thrown to one side like a dog.

Remus reached up, carding his fingers through Sirius’ hair. “You’re lucky I let you draw on me.”

“Yes.” Sirius smiled smugly and kissed him. “My very own dot to dot.”

Remus laughed. “Prick. You know it’ll disappear as soon as I shower.”

Sirius shrugged, unconcerned. “Then I’ll redraw it. Stars are persistent you know.”

Remus smiled, soft and sleepy. “You’re off your rocker.”

“You’re in love with me.”

“Unfortunately,” Remus said, then kissed the top of Sirius’ head and tightened his grip around his shoulders.

Sirius pressed his face closer into Remus’ chest. “When I get drafted,” he said casually like it wasn’t the biggest thing in his head, the thing that stressed him out every day, surpassed only by the damn contract Reggie signed. “We’ll buy a house.”

Remus’ hand paused in Sirius’ hair. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. Somewhere nice. Near water, maybe. Or trees. Or both. Definitely both.”

“Very specific.”

“I’ll be rich,” Sirius said. “I’ll be able to afford options.”

Remus laughed quietly. “Whatever state you end up in?”

“Whatever state,” Sirius agreed. “I don’t care where it is, as long as you’re there.”

Remus blushed then joined in, much to Sirius’ delight. “I want a porch.”

“A porch,” Sirius repeated suspiciously.

“And a dog.” Remus added. “To sit on the porch, along with my porch swing.”

Sirius didn’t even hesitate. He lifted his head, smiling hard. “You can have as many dogs as you want, Moons.”

“Plural?”

“Plural,” Sirius said. “A whole pack. Absolute chaos. Hair everywhere. You’ll complain but I’ll remind you that you were the one who wanted the dogs, and you’ll secretly love it.”

“I already complain and secretly love you.”

Sirius beamed. “Exactly. So not much to adapt to!”

Remus pulled him closer, foreheads touching. “I like thinking about it,” he said softly. “Us. After college, out in the world. Making our own decisions.”

“I can’t wait for the after,” Sirius said. He traced one last constellation over Remus’ heart. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Neither am I. Even though you’re fucking high maintenance.” And grinned as Sirius swatted him.

“Hey!” he squeaked, offended.

Remus kissed him then, slow, and Sirius hoped that if the universe had any mercy at all, it would let this be his forever. Remus stayed close after the kiss, not pulling away, just breathing Sirius in. Resetting in the safest place either of them had ever found.

“So,” Remus said lightly. “This hypothetical mansion you’re buying.”

“House,” Sirius corrected. “Tasteful. Maybe a little bit dramatic but with some whacky features of course.”

“Mmhmm.” Remus moved his fingers up and down Sirius’ arms. “What about Regulus?”

Sirius didn’t hesitate. “He’s coming with us. Obviously.”

“Obviously,” Remus echoed, smiling.

“I’m not leaving him alone with them,” Sirius said, firmer now. “Ever. He can have the spare room, or the basement, or whatever he wants. He’ll pretend he hates it. But then he’ll tell us that our kitchen is incorrectly organised and just redo it on a random Thursday.”

Remus laughed knowingly. “He would.”

“And he’ll bring mountains of bloody books.” Sirius grumbled. “But if that’s the price to pay to know that he’s safe, I’ll take it.”

Remus tilted his head. “You’re really sure he’d take you up on that? He wouldn’t want to stay in Montreal?”

Sirius shrugged because he wasn’t sure, he was hopeful. Regulus had to accept help one day, he couldn’t keep insisting he didn’t need to rely on anyone. No one can survive a lifetime like that.

“He’s my little brother. So he’s our responsibility really.”

Remus kissed his shoulder. “Okay. Then I think he’d be on board with my campaign for a library.”

Sirius laughed outrageously. “A what!”

“A library,” Remus repeated calmly. “A room. Shelves. Chairs. Lamps.”

“Moony. You want a whole room just for books?”

“Yes.” Remus nodded.

Sirius considered this, eyes narrowing thoughtfully. “How many shelves?”

“Floor to ceiling.”

“On how many walls?”

“All of them.”

Sirius stared at him, smiling uncontrollably wide. “You’re a cheeky fucker, you know that?”

Remus smiled sweetly. “You’ll be rich.”

“Fine,” Sirius conceded. “Library it is.”

Remus hummed, content, then said, very quietly, “Also I think I’d want a kid. One day. Maybe in like five years. Twenty eight, twenty nine is a good age to have kids right?”

Sirius’ eyes lit up instantly. “Three.”

Remus blinked. “What.”

“We’re having three kids. At least.”

“Pads,” Remus exasperated. “You cannot produce an entire football team of children.”

“Why not?” Sirius demanded. “I’m literally built for this.”

“You play football,” Remus said. “That is not the same thing as creating an army of mini yous.”

Sirius pushed himself up on one elbow, staring down at him incorrigibly. “We’ll have space!”

Remus laughed, reaching up to cup his face as Sirius straddled him. “You’re unbelievable.”

“One with your eyes,” Sirius continued seriously, kissing his neck. “One with my smile.” He sucked a mark into the skin. Remus whimpered delightfully, fingers closing around the fabric of Sirius’ boxers. “One wildcard.” And kissed him on the mouth, deeply.

Remus’ eyes were warm and impossibly gentle. “You’ve planned this.”

“Obviously.” Sirius shrugged, sitting up and starting to tentatively grind down against Remus’ hips, hands braced on his boyfriend’s freckled chest.

Remus pulled him back down, pressing their foreheads together and kissing him hungrily, breaking away between kisses. “Three is… a lot.”

Sirius nipped at his bottom lip. “You love a challenge.”

Remus sighed. “I really do. I’m with you, aren’t I?”

Sirius ducked his head and went back to work at Remus’ throat. “Good,” he said quietly. “Because I’m not compromising.”

Remus’ hands travelled up Sirius’ back as he chuckled. “I wouldn’t dream of asking you to do something so out of line as compromising! You might spontaneously combust!”

Sirius nodded. “Exactly.” He said in passing, as he shifted down the bed with a menacing smirk.

*******

The summer was aging at a terrifying rate. Five weeks. Five weeks and nothing from Uncle Alphard. Nothing from Orion, which in itself was weird, usually Sirius would be inundated with phone calls and texts fishing for information about Regulus. Phone calls from their mother demanding to know every single detail, and yet this year, nothing. In his frustrations, Sirius was halfway through tearing apart the kitchen looking for coffee filters when his phone started buzzing against the counter. The name on the screen had his skin crawling with hopeful anticipation.

“Fuck,” he muttered, already snatching it up. “Uncle Alphard.”

“Sirius,” Alphard said, voice clipped and frighteningly professional which was never a good sign. “Are you somewhere private?”

Sirius was already moving. “Nearly.”

He took the stairs two at a time, bare feet slapping against the wood, he knew that whatever was coming would be bad. He didn’t knock. He shoved Regulus’ door open with his shoulder hard enough that it bounced off the wall. Regulus startled, looking up from the window seat where he’d been folded into himself, knees drawn up, a book open but untouched in his lap. Sunlight pooled around him as the morning turned to afternoon.

Sirius crossed the room in three strides and jabbed a finger at him. “Get over here.” He hissed.

“What?” Regulus started.

Sirius didn’t slow down. He turned the phone outward, hit speaker with his thumb, and held it between them. “He’s on the line.”

Regulus stood immediately. That, more than anything, made Sirius’ stomach drop because Regulus was full of protest and hesitation when it came to doing what his big brother told him. But not now, now he was simple quiet obedience, slipping off the window seat and coming to stand close, Sirius could feel the heat of him. Nervous energy clicked and buzzed in the air.

“Put me on speaker,” Alphard said.

“You are,” Sirius replied. He dragged a hand through his hair, forcing himself still. “Tell us.”

There was a pause on the line, Sirius figured that their uncle was choosing which bones to break first.

“I spoke to your father,” Alphard said at last.

Regulus shifted nervously.

“And?” Sirius demanded.

“And he was,” Alphard continued, unruffled, “precisely as unreceptive as I expected him to be.”

Sirius let out a humourless laugh. “Shocker.”

“I approached the matter formally of course,” Alphard said. “Outlined my concerns regarding the contract’s proportionality. The imbalance of consideration. The fact that Regulus’ obligations are ongoing and extensive, while Orion’s concessions are temporary and largely symbolic.”

Regulus’ gaze dropped to the floor and Sirius clenched his jaw. Trust Regulus to agree to something that benefited everyone but himself.

“I raised unconscionability,” Alphard went on. “Suggested that a court might take issue with the disparity. That certain clauses, particularly those concerning geographic restriction and personal associations, could be viewed as excessive.”

“And?” Sirius pressed again, sharper now. “What did the bastard say?”

Alphard exhaled tiredly through his nose. “He informed me that Regulus is an adult. That he is educated, competent, and signed freely. He reminded me that family agreements are not uncommon, and that meddling excommunicated members of the family do not get to interfere in matters of parental stewardship.”

Sirius let out a string of curses that would have made their mother faint. “Fucking snake. Motherfucking manipulative abusive wankshaft.” And kicked one of Regulus’ shoes at a wall. Regulus flinched.

“He also,” Alphard added, “suggested that my involvement constituted a breach of trust. That if I continued to pursue this, he would be forced to reconsider the… cordial distance he has thus far maintained.”

“So basically, he threatened you.” Sirius translated.

“Yes,” Alphard agreed mildly. “In layman’s terms.”

Sirius turned away, stalking to the window and back, fingers digging into his arms. “So that’s it, then? He just tells you to fuck off and that’s the end of it?”

“It is the end of that particular avenue,” Alphard said. “For now. Sirius we must be patient.”

Regulus finally spoke, despondently. “He won’t change his mind.”

“No,” Alphard said gently. “He will not. Your father is quite confident in his position. In his view, the matter is settled.”

Sirius spun back around, eyes blazing, trying his best not to be angry with his little brother but worrying that he was failing spectacularly. “Because he thinks he owns you.”

Regulus didn’t look up.

“Did he say anything else?” Sirius demanded. “Anything at all?”

“He advised me,” Alphard said, “to stay out of family business. He was very clear on that point.”

Sirius laughed again, sharp and ugly. “Christ, he’s got nerve.”

“What this means,” Alphard continued, voice shifting, becoming more deliberate, “is that we will need to be strategic. The unconscionability argument alone will not scare him. Not yet.”

Regulus’ fingers twisted together at his side.

“So what,” Sirius said finally, voice low, dangerous, “we’re just meant to wait?”

“No,” Alphard said. “But we must choose our next move carefully.”

Sirius glanced at Regulus, standing there pale and rigid and listening but offering nothing. He never did. The kid was so bloody passive, he just allows life to happen to him, allows people to take whatever they want from him. Sirius wanted to shake him. He stopped pacing abruptly.

“Carefully?” he repeated, incredulously, glaring at the phone.

Regulus shifted beside him, shoulders drawing in. His eyes stayed fixed on the carpet, on a thread pulled loose near the skirting board.

“Sirius,” Alphard warned, already anticipating the explosion.

“No,” Sirius snapped. He jabbed a hand toward Regulus. “Reggie signs a contract under threat, gets dangled a summer like it’s a fucking dog treat, and now we’re meant to be careful so father doesn’t get upset?”

“Lower your voice,” Alphard said.

“I will not,” Sirius shot back. “He doesn’t get to do this. He doesn’t get to.” He broke off, dragging a hand through his hair, then rounded on Regulus suddenly. “For fuck’s sake Reggie. Say something.”

Regulus startled, eyes flicking up and back down again. “I’m listening.”

“That’s not the same thing!” Sirius snapped.

“Before we continue any further. Regulus I think you need to inform Sirius of the final condition of the deal.” Alphard said gravely, and Sirius watched his little brother turn white as a sheet.

For a moment, no one said a word.

“Tell me.” Sirius said calmly, though his voice was trembling with anger, dreading whatever was about to come out of his mouth. “God damn it Regulus what did you agree to?”

Regulus took a deep breath and a step back, unable to meet his eye. Then tentatively, spoke. “Come the end of this summer, when you are excommunicated from the family. I,” he trailed off, knitting his hands together and took a deep breath. “I am to never contact you again.”

Sirius went cold.

“You what?” he whispered.

“Siri.”

“Why would you agree to that?” Sirius asked, disgust plastered across his face.

“I’m sorry Siri! I thought I was protecting you!”

But Sirius turned away from him, heart thudding.

“Can’t you see?! They’re trying to isolate him.” he said to Uncle Alphard. “They know that if they take me off the board, he will never stick up for himself and they can do anything. They can make him, do anything.”

“Unfortunately, I agree with you, my boy.” Alphard cleared his throat. “This is precisely why I want to discuss our next option before anyone does anything irreversible.”

Sirius scoffed. “Let me guess. Court. Doctors. Years of him being dissected like a fucking specimen.”

Regulus folded his arms around himself, fingers pressing into the soft cotton of his sleeve.

“Yes,” Alphard said calmly. “Undue influence.” Alphard continued, unkind but honest. “It would involve demonstrating a pattern of control. Psychological pressure. A history that establishes your father’s dominance and your inability to refuse without consequence. We unveil the abuse. But it will mean involving many additional parties.”

Sounds from downstairs drifted under the door.

Sirius looked at Regulus. At the way his jaw was clenched tight, the way his hands trembled just enough to notice if you knew him well enough, the way he always looked like he were on the edge of complete ruin. Sirius swore under his breath.

“No,” Sirius said immediately. “No fucking way.”

Alphard paused. “Sirius.”

“No,” he repeated, louder. “You’re not dragging him through that. You’re not putting him on a stand so some bastard in a robe can decide whether he was abused enough to deserve autonomy over his own life!”

“I can do it,” Regulus said quietly.

“No.” Sirius spun toward him. “Don’t.”

“I said I can,” Regulus repeated decisively. “If it helps. If it’s… necessary.”

Sirius’ face fell. “You don’t owe anyone your trauma.”

“I owe you,” Regulus said, barely audible.

“No, you do not.” Sirius barked.

Alphard cut in, firm now. “Enough. This is not a decision to be made in the heat of the moment. Undue influence is an option, not an obligation. And it is not one I would pursue lightly.”

“Good,” Sirius muttered. He turned away, fists clenched, then whirled back suddenly, eyes reckless. “Fine. Then what about me?”

Alphard hummed. “You.”

“What if I just say no?” Sirius demanded. “What if I tell him I don’t want his money, his freedom, his fucking crumbs. What if I refuse the payoff altogether?”

Regulus drew in a breath and stepped forwards. “Siri…”

“If I give it back,” Sirius pressed on, pacing again, words spilling fast and furious, “or never take it at all, then what? He doesn’t get to hold that over Reggie, does he?”

There was a pause. A longer one this time.

“It would weaken his narrative,” Alphard said carefully. “It undermines the moral symmetry he believes he has created.”

“But?” Sirius challenged.

“But it does not nullify the contract,” Alphard finished. “Regulus’ obligations remain intact regardless of your participation.”

Sirius’ groaned in frustration and his shoulders sagged, just slightly. “So, his life is still over,” he said flatly. “Sweet.” he said, dry with sarcasm.

“Your suggestion is not useless,” Alphard added. “It creates pressure. It complicates enforcement. But it is not, on its own, a solution.”

Sirius laughed. “Jesus Christ.” He dragged both hands over his face, then dropped them, breathing hard. “So no matter what I do, he still pays.”

“We need to focus on the time between now and the end of this summer,” Alphard said quietly. “That is our current horizon. For now, we wait. We observe. We gather information.”

“How long will it take?” Sirius asked reluctantly.

Alphard sighed. “Unfortunately, things like these take as long as they take.”

“Fucking brilliant.”

 “My apologies but I do have a meeting now, so I must go. We will speak soon boys. Take care.”

The phone went dead.

Sirius looked at Regulus again, noticing the way he’d folded back in on himself, retreating to that careful stillness and bracing for impact.

“This isn’t over,” he promised. “You are not going to fucking France.”

Regulus didn’t say a word.

Chapter Text

Chapter Twenty Seven

Clearly, Regulus had been awake for a little while when James woke. They’d snuck away after dinner and had fallen asleep halfway through a film, and he’d only woken up when the credits boomed across the room. James stirred ten minutes or so later with an arrogant smile and wandering hands.

“You snore.” Regulus protested, hooking his leg between James’ and yanking him closer.

James frowned. “Devastating lie.”

“You also make this weird noise like you’re laughing in your sleep.”

James, quieter this time, wiggled his eyebrows devilishly. “You watch me sleep?” a smug smile spread across his cheeks.

“…sometimes.” The younger man admitted bashfully.

James laughed and buried his face under the covers, kissing all over Regulus’ body, who sucked in a breath and closed his eyes, surrendering to the feeling of his lips on his skin.

“I don’t want summer to end,” James grumbled from under the covers, face now pressed to a pale stomach.

Regulus’ fingers were lacing affectionately through James’ hair. “Me neither.” He replied sadly.

James pressed kisses to his skin, up to his chest and popped out of the duvet beside Regulus’ chin. “Only two weeks left.” he mumbled, lips on his neck now, a hand sliding to his hip and gripping him tightly. “Can’t believe I wasted two weeks convincing myself that I hated you, when we could have been doing this.”

He felt Regulus sigh apologetically. “I am sorry, for that. I didn’t handle freaking out well at all. The whole of Christmas was pretty intense.”

James shook his head and shifted, placing his hands either side of Regulus’ head so that he was hovering over him. “Don’t apologise. Maybe, we were both shitty.” And lowered his body to kiss him, rolling his hips in a swift, calculated movement.

“I was terrible.” Regulus confessed then made a contented noise as he melted into the kiss before breaking away. “Thank you though, for getting me that book. Even though you were still mad at me.”

He smirked, curls falling over his forehead. “You’re welcome.” He paused and then laughed a short reflective laugh. “You know, when I went into the store, the little old lady working there must have thought I’d had a head injury and got lost.”

To that, Regulus laughed and looked up at him fondly. “Not really your scene Jamie, is it?”

He smirked, rolling his eyes. “She said she knew my type. Clueless guys buying books for their other halves.”

A flicker of something crossed Regulus’ face, but he covered it with a laugh. “Well, you chose exceptionally. I loved it.”

James smiled smugly. “What do you want next time? I promise I’ll try and remember the name of it.”

The man underneath him hummed pensively, a hand hooked around the back of James’ neck. “The Great Alone. I want to see what the fuss is about. Dora said it was phenomenal.”

“Okay.” James whispered, barely audible, too engrossed in watching him to answer properly. “Next time I go to town, I’ll ask for it.” Another kiss and James rolled his hips again. The night was young, they had time, so he slipped his thumbs into the waistband on Regulus’ pyjamas and looked down at him for permission.

Regulus hummed and nodded, casting his hands above his head and lifting his hips as James pulled off his shorts.

“Fuck. I can’t believe I get to touch you.” James whispered, mostly to himself, and put his mouth on Regulus’ skin, near his hip, hands sliding underneath him to squeeze his ass.

“Roll over.” Regulus said eagerly.

Obediently, James did so, with a soppy grin and eyes so dark and utterly besotted he looked drunk. Once on his back, Regulus immediately took him into his mouth. Safe to say, it was a good thing his room was at the far end of the house.

“Jesus fuck!” he moaned, eyes fixed on Regulus’ looking up from where he was swallowing James’ cock, back arched, ass up behind him. You are everything. James thought dramatically. This was everything he’d ever need in life. Perhaps more than football. Woah. Not that he’d ever say that out loud.

It would be easy, to allow Regulus to get him off like this, but James had other plans he wanted to get to this evening that involved not coming in the first five minutes. Lifting Regulus’ chin, he pulled him off and guided his face up to his to kiss him, then rolled them. Shifting down, he nudged Regulus’ legs apart with his face, running his tongue along his inner thigh, hands ghosting behind. Then his hand slipped down, lightly running over his entrance. With his mouth on Regulus’ dick, licking at the underside teasingly, he watch him begin to blissfully fall apart.

James pulled off. “Okay?” he whispered.

“Okay.” Regulus nodded, blushing.

*******

            His alarm went off at five. He’d intended to go down to the home gym and workout alone before anyone else got up, but he found himself entirely distracted. Regulus lay beside him, sprawled on his stomach with his face turned towards James. Dark eyelashes framed his cheeks above a sharp jawline and perfect lips. The covers had slipped to his waist in the night, and his skin was cold to the touch. James reached forwards and lifted the blankets up to his shoulders then leant down and kissed his forehead, breathing in the scent of him. Dark waves of black hair stuck out at sleep roughed angles that James knew would infuriate him and would require twenty minutes stood before a mirror perfecting them.

            After staring at him obsessively for God knows how long, James knew that any hopes of going to workout were well and truly dashed, so he rolled onto his back and shuffled up to Regulus, then gently pulled him into his chest and tucked the covers over the both of them. Regulus briefly stirred and settled, wrapping an arm over James’ torso and nuzzling his face into his neck. The smile that engulfed James was unintentional and would have been completely mortifying had it been witnessed by any other person on the planet. But being thankfully alone, he held him close, nose to Regulus’ hair and listened to the steady intake of breath as the sun continued to rise.

            By seven, he could hear the beginnings of the day in the rest of the house and the man on his chest began to slip out of sleep. At first tightening his grip around James’ chest, then making half asleep sounds as he stretched, before finally those dark eyelashes fluttered open and he looked up. James looked down at him and smiled, and fuck, he was a goner.

“Morning.” James murmured attentively.

“Did we sleep like this all night?” Regulus croaked, rolling onto his side.

“No,” James smirked. “I woke up to workout like two hours ago and instead ended up coercing you to cuddle me.”

“Hmmm.” Regulus hummed and went back to the position he’d woken up in, but now lay between James’ legs, head resting atop his hands on James’ chest. “Good decision. I don’t like waking up alone.”

“I know.” James mouthed, using a knuckle to encourage Regulus’ chin forwards and kissed him tenderly, his other hand moving to squeeze his ass through his boxers.

“You’re very warm,” Regulus complained.

“Sorry, I’ve always run hot.” James said, watching him.

“Annoyingly warm.” He grumbled, but settled down again and mumbled, “Don’t move.”

In that moment, James’ heart pretty much imploded. Attempting to keep it in check though, he returned to tracing lazy circles on Regulus’ back, placing kisses all over his face, not an inch of space between their bodies. He wanted to stay like this for an eternity. The world could wait, the love of his life was here, and he never wanted to stop holding him. God, he’d made himself go red. The absurdity of emotion this man brought out in him was unprecedented. James wasn’t sure he’d survive the academic year without this every night. How was he meant to focus on football when he had to sleep alone? He spent the next twenty minutes trying to find a scenario wherein he could have this, every night. Even just once a week? Once a month? Could they pull off something like that? Fuck he hoped so.

“I’m hungry,” Regulus said, stretching after a while and pulling him from his frantic planning.  

James grinned, gobsmacked. “Just, just say that again for me. Please.”

Realising, Regulus’ expression immediately soured and he tried to move but James rolled them, pinning Regulus underneath him, hands above his head.

“Absolutely not.”

He kissed his neck, lapping at the skin playfully. “Reggie, what did you say? Indulge me!”

“Shut up.”

James continued to kiss his neck, biting lightly as he ran a hand up and down his sides where he knew he was ticklish. “You were saying that you were what, baby?”

Regulus squirmed, trying not to laugh. “Jamie! Stop!”

“Tell me what you said.” He chuckled, tickling him, kissing him.

Regulus shrieked, trying to get a knee underneath James’ torso, laughing harder, hands gripping his shoulders.

“Tell me,” James growled through a smile, covering his mouth with his own and rolling his hips deep. “Baby!”

Regulus’ back arched off the bed and he moaned softly. “Fine!” he cackled, “I said I’m hungry! Happy?”

James stopped and gazed at him. “Elated.” His body solid and unmoving above Regulus. “I’ll cook you anything. What do you want?”

“Omelettes,” Regulus said in a perfect French accent.

James nodded decisively. “Omelettes it is.”

Then he sat back and stood, reaching for his sweats which were still abandoned by the door where they’d stripped the night before. He wished he could bottle this feeling, the little victory, the pride he felt for him. He flashed a smile at Regulus over his shoulder, then ran towards him, tackling him back to the bed and covering him with kisses as Regulus squealed.

********

James loved Lake Joseph most when it looked like someone had turned the saturation up too high. The water shimmered like opals under a thin layer of water and shattered with sunlight. The breeze licked delicately over sunkissed skin, baked in the heat of the hottest day that summer had seen so far. They’d all piled into the boat, everyone except Remus and Pete who had gone fishing with Monty. Effie was in the city for a couple of days seeing friends, so James rounded up the rest of them, yes even Regulus, and taken them out to one of his favourite spots.

He cut the engine once they slid into the cove, water so clear he could see the pale granite beneath the boat, sunlight breaking it into shards. The heat sat heavy on his shoulders, and suncream was handed out by Lily with stern words. James had her do his back after protesting that he didn’t really need it. She grabbed at him like parents wrestle their kids into wearing suncream, loving yet as if trying to wrangle a wildcat.

“There. Done. So much fuss for nothing Prongs!” she tutted and grabbed at Sirius next, who whinged even more, and Marlene mimicked him, avoiding the way he tried to grab at her, laughing until he was released then screamed and launched herself off the side of the boat into the jewel blue water.

“Alright,” Sirius announced, already halfway over the side. “Last one in is emotionally repressed!”

“Mature Sirius. So mature!” Mary shouted after him before jumping. Sirius disappeared and resurfaced a second later, hair slicked back, grinning up at those of them still on deck.

James stayed where he was, for now, sprawled on the captain’s bench with a cold beer sweating in his hand, music thumping from the speakers. Lily lay stretched out near the stern, sunglasses on, skin already bronzing, and huffed.

“This song is obnoxious,” she complained mildly.

James didn’t look away from the water. Or Regulus for that matter. “It’s brilliant.”

“It’s a club track,” Lily replied. “We are not in a club. We’re on a lake in Muskoka trying to relax and tan. I don’t want to feel like I should be at a beach club in the Caribbean.”

“Lakes can have club energy,” James argued. “Exclusive, excellent vibes, beer.”

“I just had to wrestle suncream onto you like a toddler James, I’m not sure you’re emotionally old enough for a beer.”

“Hey!” he squawked, frowning good-naturedly, eyes quickly finding their way back to the other side of the boat where Regulus sat, legs stretched out on the bench, book open, dark hair falling into his eyes as the breeze whisked in flurries around the boat. He looked beautiful. Elegant, yet standoffish. James wanted him to scowl and tell him to fuck off, because after all, grumpy Regulus was his favourite Regulus.

Lily propped herself up on her elbows. “Do you listen to anything that doesn’t make you want to chug a beer and jump up and down like a fool?”

“Absolutely,” James said, distracted by the way Regulus’ swim shorts were riding up his thighs. “Loads of things.”

“Name one.”

James opened his mouth, then hesitated, eyes flicking back to Regulus’ hands, long fingers holding the book open, t-shirt lifting teasingly.

Lily sighed, sitting up. “You don’t even know what I asked you.”

“I do,” James said immediately. “You asked about music.”

“You’re staring again.”

He looked away. “I am not.”

Regulus chose that moment to look up, and James’ stomach did a small, stupid flip. Regulus’ mouth curved, just barely. James just grinned and winked. The other man’s eyebrow lifted in response, amusement flickering across his face before he dropped his gaze back to the page, lips traitorously tilted as he mouthed a solid fuck off at James.

“Oh my god,” Lily droned with a fierce eye roll. “You are impossible.”

James laughed, finally tearing his eyes away and looking at her. “You love me.”

“Debatable,” Lily said. “Also, your music still sucks.”

In the water, Sirius shouted something about finding a rock that “looked haunted,” and then he, Mary, and Marlene swam towards the little pebbled shore, leaving ripples glittering behind them. James tipped his head back, sun on his face, beer cold in his hand, music loud and listened to the sounds of his friends laughing.

“You know,” he said, raising his voice just enough to carry over to where Regulus was sat, still reading. All he ever did was read and James needed attention, like yesterday, “the water’s kind of perfect.” He said suggestively.

Regulus didn’t look up. “Is that an invitation or a weather report?”

James grinned. “An invitation.”

“I’m reading.” He turned a page.

“You’ve been reading for like hours,” James whined, coming to sit on the floor at his feet and placing his chin on the bench, looking up at him. “Your eyes are going to fossilise.”

Regulus finally closed the book, one finger marking his place. He sighed, concealing a smile. “Go and play with Sirius or something. Do you want me to throw you a stick?”

“Ha. Ha.” James said sarcastically. “Come swim.”

Regulus hesitated but James didn’t wait. He kicked off his shoes and with a charming glance behind him, he dove clean off the bow, the lake swallowing him whole. He surfaced a second later, slicking his hair back and looked for Regulus. For a moment, he thought he’d shake his head and go back to his book, but Regulus stood, kicked off his sandals, and jumped off the bow.

He came up laughing, water beading on his lashes and swam towards James. “You look surprised.”

“I was mentally prepared for rejection,” James said smugly. “This is better.”

He reached for him without thinking, hands settling at Regulus’ waist, pulling him close. Regulus stiffened slightly, eyes flicking past James’ shoulder.

“Sirius is in the cave,” James whispered. “Don’t worry, no one can see. The boat is blocking us.”

Regulus relaxed, then leaned in and kissed him, warm and a little breathless, both of them treading water to stay afloat.

James laughed against his mouth, kissing him again. “I’m glad you decided to take me up on the offer.”

“You’re lucky I was at the end of a chapter,” Regulus said. “Your suggestion was merely convenient.”

“Sure.” James kicked under the water, hands still on Regulus’ skin. They drifted a little, legs tangling under the surface. “So,” James said, looking towards the shore cautiously, but Sirius could still be heard in the cave hollering for the echoes. “What’re you reading?”

“It’s like a historical fictionalised biography.”

“Of course it is.”

“It’s about power,” Regulus continued. “How people convince themselves they deserve it and think it can justify cruelty.”

James watched Regulus’ mouth move, the way his eyes lit up.

“Sounds… intense,” James said, enthralled.

“It is,” Regulus agreed. “It’s also beautifully written.”

James hummed, pretending to listen, but absolutely not listening at all. He was too busy staring at the faint freckles on Regulus’ nose, activated by the summer sun. “Tell me more.”

“It’s called Beneath a Scarlet Sky,” Regulus said. “It’s set in Italy during the Second World War.”

James nodded, eyes fixed on Regulus’ face. “Rough.”

“This kid gets recruited to spy,” Regulus went on. “But not in the glamorous way. He becomes a driver. For a Nazi general.”

James scrunched up his nose. “Not ideal.”

“Not at all,” Regulus said, animated now. “He’s trapped. Every day he has to sit there and listen, gather information, pretend he isn’t terrified. Insists he doesn’t need anyone’s help and you know, takes too much on his shoulders, for someone his age anyway.”

James smiled. “Sounds like someone I know.”

Regulus shot him a look. “Rude.”

“I meant brave under pressure,” James rectified. “Independent. Perhaps sometimes to his detriment.”

Regulus huffed and ignored the comparison. “Anyway, I’m enjoying it because it’s about surviving and trying not to lose yourself. About choosing what kind of person you are when everything’s stacked against you.”

James watched water bead on Regulus’ collarbone, the sun catching in his hair. He spoke quietly, pensively. “You always pick books like that.”

“Like what?”

“Quietly devastating,” James offered.

Regulus smiled thoughtfully and shrugged. “I like stories where people endure.”

James drifted closer, and kissed him slow. “You’d endure anything.”

Regulus kissed him back. “So would you.”

James laughed softly. “I just wanted an excuse to hear you talk, you know.”

Regulus’ mouth curved. “I suspected.”

A whistle from the boat drew their attention. Lily stood at the bow with a pointed expression. Clearly, Sirius was out of the cave. Regulus looked back at James and then began swimming back to the boat. James stayed for a moment, watching him go, wondering how bad it would really be if everyone knew about them. It’s not like they could stop them being together, and the shock would blow over eventually, wouldn’t it?

********

“Something you want to ask for?” James asked when he noticed the way Regulus’ legs tremored with every plunge of his fingers inside him.

Regulus whined, arching his back off the bed and nodded.

“Use your words baby.” James whispered in his ear, hand still now, revelling in the way Regulus’ body trembled needily in his arms.

“Fuck you.” Regulus laughed and whined. “Fuck, Jamie. Fuck me. Shit. Please fuck me.”

Arrogantly he grinned, “So polite.” He quipped sarcastically, pushing his fingers inside him as far as they would go, before drawing them out slowly as Regulus moaned low. “How would you like me to fuck you?”

With that, Regulus lost the last ounce of his patience. “I swear to god-”

But James cut him off with a kiss, laughing. “So grumpy,” and moved his hand back to Regulus’ dick, stroking it agonisingly slowly and sucked at his neck. Unexpectedly, or perhaps coercively on James’ behalf, Regulus shoved him backwards and, willingly, sporting the smuggest smile possible, James let him, rolling onto his back and allowing Regulus to straddle him.

“You talk too much.” Regulus snipped.

“You love it.” James retorted, hands sliding up Regulus’ thighs, gripping the flesh and thinking about how much he wanted to put his mouth on him.

“Shut up.”

“Bossy.” James said, eyes flirtatious and bucked up his hips, shunting Regulus forwards onto his chest.

He took the opportunity to kiss him hard, pushing his tongue into his mouth, hands still holding firmly onto his thighs.

“You know,” James said, breathing unsteady now, achingly hard. “It scares me, what I would do for you.”

Regulus’ eyes narrowed ever so slightly, as if seeking clarification.

“Anything. Everything.” He said sincerely, hands squeezing Regulus’ legs. “I am at your mercy, love.”

Then the dark haired man grinned. “You’re crazy.”

In love, I think sweetheart. But I don’t know how to tell you that.

“Maybe.” He grinned and kissed him, then eased him upright and raised an eyebrow. “Like this?”

Regulus blushed and nodded and allowed James to hold his hips as he lowered himself onto him, James’ cock pushing past the tight ring of muscle until he was buried to the hilt.

“Breathe, baby.” James smiled, watching him gasp, mouth open, eyes closed, one hand braced on James’ chest. “Let yourself adjust.”

With bated breath, Regulus nodded. “I’m good. I’m good.” And lifting his hips, he moaned, drawing almost all the way off, before slowly sinking back down, throwing his head back with a cry as he seated himself.

“Fuck.” James managed, ragged and utterly in awe. His hands rested uselessly on Regulus’ hips as he ogled him. “Fuck, Regulus.”

He watched him start to move steadily, rolling his hips, fucking himself on James’ cock, buried deep inside him and James couldn’t take his eyes away. The way Regulus squeezed his eyes closed, the way his mouth remained open in ecstasy as he hit that sensitive spot, the way his hands grappled for purchase. James bucked his hips up hard and Regulus moaned enthusiastically and leant backwards, bracing himself on James’ knees, drawn up behind him as James fucked up into him. Then, instinctively, James flipped them effortlessly, putting Regulus on his back, taking his hands and pinning them above his head.

“Is this okay?” he asked, pupils dark, studying him.

“Yeah, yes. Fuck ‘m fine. Oh f- ah, my god.” Regulus cried out and nodded. “Jamie. Fuck!”

James sat back on his heels and pulled Regulus down the bed, pulling his hips upwards so that his lower back rested on James’ thighs and then, he set a relentless pace, pounding into him. He reached forwards and placed a hand over Regulus’ mouth with a triumphant smirk.

“Too loud,” he grinned and resumed the pace.

“Fuck!” Regulus whispered, biting his lip, trying to stay quiet but James could tell he was close. His thighs clamped around his waist and he could feel them trembling. James was close too. He could barely breathe and his head was gone, all focus lost in Regulus’ eyes. He reached forwards and took him in hand, stroking, matching the pace of his hips, thumb sliding over the slit with every upwards stroke. He chuckled as Regulus pulled a pillow towards his face, to stifle his moans until he tensed and came explosively over his stomach and chest, coating James’ hand. With a few more thrusts, James was over the edge too, filling him, his name on his tongue as he slowed. Three more deep thrusts elicited James’ favourite sounds and then he collapsed on top of him, kissing perfect lips, his come covered hand wrapping gently around Regulus’ throat.

“Shit,” Regulus breathed, then laughed. “Fuck I can’t even form a sentence right now. Jesus. Jamie.”

James hummed and nibbled along his jawline, the terrifying words on his tongue yet again. I love you. I love you. I love you. He pressed his lips together and inhaled deeply.

“Shower?” he asked, kissing him chastely on the neck. Regulus nodded, whining when James pulled out and smacking him hard on the shoulder when James laughed. With jelly legs, they staggered to the bathroom. The hot water quickly filled the room with steam, and they stood under it together, washing one another, kissing languidly, giggling as the same three words pounded against James’ skull.

*******

They crammed into James’ old truck. All eight of them. James, Pete and Remus on the bench seat in the front, Mary, Lily and Regulus in the back, and definitely illegally, Marlene and Sirius in the bed, faces in the wind, tongues out like farm dogs. They weren’t driving far, and they would mainly be on quieter backroads, but still James had sworn them all to secrecy because his parents would flip if they found out. Marlene and Sirius lay flat on the bed when they pulled onto the main roads, and when they drove through Port Carling and the entire time James was praying they wouldn’t get pulled over. Luckily, they made it through town unscathed.

Sirius popped back up the second they turned onto a gravel road and rammed his thread through the small window into the cab of the truck. “WE LIVE.” He yelled and everyone jumped.

“If we die,” Remus said with a curse, gripping the dashboard, “I’m going to haunt you specifically.”

Marlene stuck her head through too. “Worth it! Honestly you guys are missing out back here.”

“I doubt it.” Regulus rumbled, swatting Sirius who was poking him, trying to stick his finger in Regulus’ ear and smirking like the fucking prick he was. “Fuck off!” Regulus quipped, grabbing his fingers and twisting them.

“OW!” Sirius squawked.

“Stop it!” Lily grumbled, “You’re both acting like children!”

“He fucking started it.” Regulus huffed folding his arms, and then screeched as Sirius leant forwards and licked his cheek with an excessive amount of saliva and cackled. “Oh I am going to punch you so hard!”

“Cut it out!” Remus growled, turning in his chair and shooting a deathly stare at his boyfriend. “Stop being a fucking menace Pads.”

Sirius slid the window shut with a fierce eyeroll and the cab was quiet again.

James slowed near the small bridge, tires crunching as the river came into view. He pulled the truck to a stop and pulled up the handbrake but he could already hear Sirius and Marlene leaping over the side. “Alright, everyone out. This is the spot.”

They piled out, stretching and shoving and immediately yelling over one another. The bridge overlooked the river rushing toward the falls, white water foaming over rock, the lake visible beyond through the trees. James noticed the way Sirius rounded the bonnet to get to Remus, taking his hand and talking to him through the broadest smile, taking his backpack from him and slinging it over his own shoulder. His chest ached and he glanced over at Regulus. They should be allowed to do that. They deserved to be able to do that. Regulus smiled privately at him. James’ stomach lurched.

Lily leaned over the railing in awe. “Okay, yeah. That’s stunning.”

Mary nudged her, then addressed James teasingly “I’m surprised Potter. You’re not a half bad tour guide.”

“Hey!” he yelped, offended. “I contain multitudes of recommendations!”

Pete squinted at the falls. “If anyone falls in, I’m not volunteering to rescue you.”

Sirius immediately leaned over the edge. “I reckon I could survive.”

“You absolutely could not,” Remus said and something in his voice resembled an order. He grabbed his boyfriend by the belt of his jeans as Sirius cocked a leg at the fence. “No Sirius, that wasn’t a challenge.”

Marlene pretended to push him. “For science?”

Sirius launched at her, lifting her over his shoulder and pretended to throw her towards the railing as she laughed and thumped her fists on his back. James laughed too, slinging his backpack on and heading toward the trailhead. The path dipped into trees, cool and green, the sound of the falls following them. He looked around, quick headcount. It felt like he was taking out a school trip, clocking the flight risks. Sirius immediately picked up a stick and started fencing Marlene with it. That seemed to answer James’ question.

“I am begging you,” Remus called ahead, “to act like an adult for five fucking minutes.”

“No,” Sirius shouted, sidestepping backwards, one hand behind his back, making sound effects for his makeshift sword.

James also noticed that Regulus remained near the back with Remus, observantly glancing at the trees, the water, hands tucked into his hoodie sleeves. James slowed his pace until he fell in step with them, hoping Sirius would keep himself entertained at the front. Mary and Lily walked hand in hand, admiring the plants at the edge of the trail.

“Having fun?” James asked lightly, eyes tracking his face.

Regulus glanced at him. “Define fun?”

James smiled and let his fingers brush Regulus’ hand momentarily, pinkies linking and releasing in a matter of moments. Regulus stilled but then relaxed, and allowed it. When Remus was distracted, yelling at Sirius for trying to climb a boulder, James winked at Regulus and budged him with his shoulder.

Regulus huffed a quiet laugh. “You’re too fucking bold Potter.”

“I can’t help it. You look too good.” James said honestly. As Regulus moved to walk ahead of him, James’ hand reached out squeezed his ass. Regulus reeled round, grinning. “Stop that.” he said, though he was clearly trying not to blush.

James hummed through gritted teeth. “Make me.”

“Behave.” Regulus hissed and stomped ahead to where Lily was admiring a mushroom. James watched him, stuffing his hands in his pockets, a stupid smile still slapped across his face.

They reached a narrow part of the trail where the trees closed in, sunlight spilling across rock and water between them. Sirius leapt ahead. “Race you to the lookout!”

“No running!” Lily shouted. “There’s literally a sign! Padfoot!”

Marlene and Sirius ran ahead anyway.

James hung back a moment, watching Regulus take in the view, hair catching the light, expression soft. He nudged him gently with his shoulder.

“Worth the illegal truck ride?” James asked.

Regulus huffed. He had protested profusely at the house when the idea had been suggested. “Yeah,” he conceded. “It is.”

James grinned, heart somersaulting in his chest, and followed the sound of his friends’ laughter down the trail toward the falls.

            They settled on the rocks, dotted around like birds and pulled out packed lunches. James sat between Regulus and Lily, and opened his bag. At a glance, he saw that Sirius was busy with his back to them, looking up at Remus perched on a rock a little further down from them. James unwrapped his sandwiches and without making a fuss, handed one to Regulus, purposefully not looking at him. When Regulus took it from him, he did his best to hide his smile. Then he opened a packet of chips and placed them between them on the rock. Every now and then he felt Regulus reach in and take one. And fuck. It felt like he’d won the war. He had him sussed. Feeding Regulus was like trying to get a skittish prey animal to eat out of your hand. But he’d got it down to a fine art. James did the same thing with a banana. Halfling it, and holding the smaller half to his side, and quietly, Regulus took it.

When lunch began to wrap up and a few of them drifted towards the water, looking for good rocks to throw into the white rapids, James leant close and spoke quietly, with a smile.

“Proud of you, baby.”

Regulus smiled back, wiping his hands on his jeans. “Shut up Jamie.”

James just chuckled and, after checking that no one was looking, leant over quickly and kissed him on the cheek. He knew then, for certain, that he wasn’t prepared to give this up. Not in two weeks. Not ever.

Chapter Text

Chapter Twenty Eight

Eight weeks. Eight weeks had almost passed, and nothing had come from Uncle Alphard’s involvement. Regulus was still obliged to cut Sirius off come the beginning of semester one, he was most likely going to be forced to move home off campus, and then after Christmas, he’d go to France. And a small, frightened part of him wondered whether he’d ever come back to Canada. Unlikely, if his father had anything to say about it.

Perhaps he could work something out with him, broach a new agreement? But he quickly abandoned that thought, that could only end up in him agreeing to more shit he didn’t really understand. The only good to come of this would be Sirius’ freedom and his access to his trust fund. At least Regulus could live with that. That would make it all worth it, even if it meant losing James. God, was anything really worth losing James?

His stomach knotted but he forced himself to focus on why he’d signed the damn thing in the first place. Sirius came first, he always would. James was a fantasy. A delightful, white picket fence fantasy, but a fantasy all the same.

He tossed and turned all night, James asleep like log beside him, his hands always on Regulus’ skin. Be it on his waist, his leg, his chest and Regulus had come to realise that he was unable to sleep without the heavy weight of James’ limbs close to him, touching him, weighing him down like a stone tied to the foot of someone who’d run out of options. How on earth was he to maintain a believable existence without him?

On the beside table, his phone buzzed, distracting him from destructive thoughts. He stretched over, but James’ grip tightened around his middle which made reaching his phone difficult but achievable, his fingers skimming at the edge of it, nudging it towards him. It buzzed again. Who on earth was texting him at three in the morning? Grasping it, he pulled it into his hands. A message from Dora.

IT’S FINALLY HAPPENING!

A picture was attached but he couldn’t see it yet. Regulus frowned with intrigue, and unlocked his phone to find a slightly drunk-blurred photograph of Barty and Evan making out on the side of the road outside one of the clubs in Montreal. He laughed in pure shock and delight and typed a furious message back.

What the actual fuck?!

He knew his friends had all gone back to Montreal early, they’d made plans on the group chat the week before and had of course invited him, but Regulus had politely declined with vague reasoning. Really, he just didn’t want to lose a single second with James, let alone two weeks. So, yes he was gutted that he’d missed this pivotal moment in the two-yearlong pining affair that had been Ev and Barty, but gosh would he reap the benefits of taking the piss out of them when he returned to school. 

Dora texted again. REGGIE! Can you facetime?

The weight of the man attached to him like a fucking backpack answered for him and he opened his camera and caught the moment permanently, then sent it to the chat.

Can’t. He’s asleep.

Fuck, he’d never done something like that before? Not of them together anyway. That photograph was evidence. What if Sirius found it? What if his father was tracking his phone? What if…? James sighed in his sleep and pressed his lips to Regulus’ shoulder. Regulus didn’t delete the photo from his phone, instead he created a hidden album and added every photograph of James he had. Apparently, there were quite a few. Ones he’d secretly taken of him working out, of him swimming in the lake disguised as a photo of the water, not to mention the ones he’d saved from the Blue’s social media of James in kit, in interviews, in promotional footage and photographs. He added every single one to that hidden album.

Then, an earthquake of messages from the group chat flooded his phone.

Dora: WAIT IS THIS CONFIMRATION?

Barty: Rseggie! If thatsd fuckoing greeek boy in your’’e bed

Dora: Barty is drunk if you can’t tell.

Regulus smirked and typed back. Actually, I’m in his bed. Haven’t slept in mine for weeks.

Cas: EXCUSE ME?

Evan: Hold on. HOLD ON.

Dora: You cannot just say that and not elaborate?!?!?!

Regulus felt heat crawl up his neck. James shifted behind him, arm tightening, nose pressing briefly into the nape of Regulus’ neck. Regulus typed one-handed, the other rubbing circles on James’ forearms.

Cas: Are you official?

Barty: Fuck me he’s so hot

Evan: Barty stop zooming in on Reggie’s boyfriend. I can see you. We are sat next to each other.

Dora: Reggie. Official. Yes or no.

Regulus stared at the ceiling, at the faint crack near the corner he’d already memorized, and let himself smile. We’re… well…I’m not sleeping anywhere else.

Dora: Ugh that is so evasive! Give me a proper answer!!!!

Cas: You’re in love. Attached was a photo of her and Barty with fried chicken buckets sat in some seedy fast food place.

Regulus: Don’t be dramatic.

Evan: Says the man curled up in the Blues QB’s bed at 3am.

Barty: Share?????

Evan: Barty?!

Barty: does hE know frEEnCH

Regulus snorted and rolled his eyes.

Dora: More importantly, does your brother know?

Regulus’ fingers paused. God no. I’d be dead.

Cas: Dead dead or “family dinner” dead?

Regulus: Dead dead. And James would be hung up by his toes in the boathouse.

Evan: Romantic.

Barty: Worth it. HGave you seeen hiim?! Barty then sent multiple screenshots from James’ Instagram.

Cas: Your access to that was scarily fast.

Regulus smiled as James stirred again, mumbling something unintelligible and pressing a sleepy kiss into his shoulder.

Dora: Okay BUT back to the IMPORTANT event of the evening.

Cas: Yes yes yes yes yes yes

Evan: Please stop.

Barty: We kissed motherfuckeerrrrrsssss!!!!

Regulus typed with a smirk, chewing on his bottom lip. Yeah I saw.

Cas: Oh that was only the one after we left the club, you should have seen them inside. Barty was climbing Ev like a fucking tree!

Barty: I’m hoping to get fucking railed when we get home too.

Cas: Dora I’m staying at your house.

Evan: I am embarrassed.

Regulus smiled, and a small part of him wished he were there with them, but then James mumbled something in his sleep and all of Regulus’ loyalty to his friend’s vanished in an instant. You’re both idiots. Congratulations.

Barty: Says the man secretly shacked up with his brother’s best friend.

Shut the fuck up Barty. He sent with a smile and locked his phone, settling back into the arms around him, pulling the covers up to his chin and quickly surrendered to sleep.

*********

Regulus was walking up the stairs, one hand braced on the handrail, looking down at his feet, when the sound of someone approaching from the upstairs corridor caused him to look up. James glanced down the hall, then back to him and grinned, waiting at the top for him to come up.

“Hey,” he said and James pulled him closer by his waist and leaned down to kiss him. Regulus slid his hands up into James’ curls and kissed him back, both of them entirely forgetting their surroundings.

“Boat trip tomorrow?” James asked hopefully. “Just us?”

“Won’t someone notice?” Regulus said, as if such a fact should be obvious, while looking up at him with doughy eyes, fingers curling in James’ shirt.

James just shrugged. “Lily will cover for us.” He considered. “We say, I suggested it early in the day and no one seemed game but you, so we went out anyway. No one has to know we’ll be making out on a beach.”

Regulus smacked his chest lightly. “Stop.” He laughed, then the mood soured and he looked down. “I don’t want to leave.” So much more sat behind those words than Regulus could ever tell him.

“I wish you could come to Toronto with me.” James said, nudging Regulus’ mouth to his and kissing him again. The house still quiet and seemingly abandoned. Everyone was outside soaking up the last few days of Muskoka sun.

Regulus scoffed. “Oh yeah, Sirius would be so on board with that plan!”

“He might come around to it?”

Regulus deadpanned.

“Yeah, you’re right. Ignore me, I heard the stupid as I said the stupid.” James chuckled, foreheads pressed together.

Then, a new voice. “You know. I used to think you guys were hiding this whole thing pretty well, but clearly, I was wrong.”

Regulus shot back from James and stared wide eyed and open mouthed at Remus who had walked along the corridor from his room, thankfully alone but as quiet as a fucking predator.

James apparently, for the first time in his goddamn life, was speechless.

“Remus.” Regulus started.

“Moony, you can’t…” James interrupted.

“Don’t tell Sirius.” Regulus said desperately. “He’ll freak out and I just can’t.”

“Oh fuck no.” Remus laughed, adjusted his grip on his stick. “That’s not my grave to dig. I saw nothing. I know nothing.”

“Thanks, man. We appreciate it.” James sighed, Regulus could feel those honey coloured eyes boring into the side of his head.

“How long have you known?” Regulus asked directly. Remus seemed too damn calm for someone who had just had their mind blown by a relationship he had no idea about.

Remus smirked. “Let’s just say. That jetty is a perfect view from my room, and I love a thunderstorm.”

Then he was gone, easing himself down the stairs like nothing had happened. That’s when James started laughing, and Regulus had to grab him by the collar and drag him back into his room, fury reddening his cheeks.

“Shut up!” he said through clenched teeth. “This isn’t good Jamie!”

But James was too busy crowding him against the door and kissing his neck. “I see no problem. Moony’s got our backs.”

“James.” He protested, but involuntarily his eyes closed and he allowed himself to be picked up and carried into the ensuite.

“Shower with me?” James asked needily, between kisses.

“So demanding.” He rolled his eyes, sliding down to his feet as James released him and without complaint, pulled off his shirt.

Then the sound of his bedroom door flying open had his heart racing.

“Reggie!” Sirius called, they could hear him already running towards the bathroom.

Panicking, Regulus glared at James and darted out of the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

“God, Siri can’t you knock?!” he tried to remove the squeak from his voice, but he was half-hard, half naked, breathless and his brother’s best friend was stood in his bathroom in his boxers.

Sirius frowned. “Why are you all red?”

“Oh,” Regulus started, but didn’t have a good excuse. Or any excuse.

Sirius huffed impatiently. “Never mind, Alphard texted me.”

Further panic engulfed him. The last thing he needed was James overhearing all of this shit, so he grabbed his brother by the sleeve and pulled him towards the bedroom door. “Saying what?” and snatched Sirius’ phone, scrolling through the exchange.

“He’s at a stalemate.” Sirius spoke frustratedly as Regulus read the exchange. “There’s nothing to be done until he’s had time to evaluate more options seeing as I’ve said no to undue influence.”

Regulus tried not to look back towards the bathroom. “I can do it, Siri. If it gets us out of this mess, I’ll do it.”

“No. Its out of the question.” Sirius said firmly, taking his phone back. “You’re not doing that.”

“So, what? We just have to play along?” Regulus asked, folding his arms around his middle, praying that James wasn’t listening through the door.

“For now.” Sirius paced, each step closer to the bathroom made Regulus’ anxiety spike. “But if you so much as think about cutting me off.”

“I won’t have a choice!”

“Fucking hell! Be a rebel Regulus! For once in your life, break the goddamn rules.” Sirius snapped, shaking his head and heading for the door to the hallway.

Regulus all but blushed when he considered the rules he’d blundered the past two years. The man in his bathroom evidence of all of them.

He dropped his voice, praying James couldn’t hear them and followed his brother to the door. “This isn’t just house rules, Siri. This is legal real world shit.”

“I am well aware of that.”

“Well, then you should know I can’t just not do what I’ve agreed to do?” he kept his voice as hushed as possible.

“But if you’d just snuck out in the fucking first place. We wouldn’t be in this mess.” And with that, Sirius left, slamming the door behind him, which Regulus quickly locked, fist resting against it and exhaled a shaky breath. Clearly someone up there had it in for him today.

“What was all that about?” James asked from behind him, lingering by the bathroom door.

Regulus shook his head. “Nothing. Just family shit.” He turned, leaning back against the door, head tipped back. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

“I’m right here, love.” James smiled sadly, coming to him, cupping Regulus’ face in his hands. “You can talk to me.”

“I know.” He whispered, opening his eyes. James was still topless and Regulus’ gaze slipped down to his abs, to the V that disappeared into his shorts. “We need to be more careful.”

James smirked. “Nearly got the whole set.”

“Jesus my nervous system can’t take this.” Regulus laughed though it didn’t sound very authentic. Then he sank to the floor, hands pushing through his hair. James was still laughing, the moron, but he quickly settled on the floor in front of him, going eerily quiet and watched him freak out.

“Hey.” He said, lifting his chin. “Hey,” forcing Regulus to look at him. “We’re good. Okay?”

Regulus snorted in disagreement and closed his eyes. We’re good. Fuck, James had no idea. If only he knew the shit show that was about to kick off in a matter of days. If only he knew how sideways everything was about to plummet, he wouldn’t be so damn calm.

“Baby.” James pulled him into his arms. “We’re okay. Breathe. Moony won’t tell. I know that was a close call with Sirius but it’s all good. Okay?”

Regulus clung to him, but he couldn’t bear to say anything. He was too worried that if he did, everything would fly out of his mouth and then where would they be?

“Regulus.” James said, lifting his chin again and using his thumbs to wipe the tears from Regulus’ cheeks. “Hey. What’s wrong?”

He shook his head, keeping his eyes closed. “I’m fine. Overwhelmed. Don’t want to go home.” That’s all he could manage. He hoped it would be enough to steer James away from prying. To brush off the visceral panic raging in his stomach.

“I can understand that.” He said softly, soothing his lower back with his fingers. “Hey. Look at me.”

Regulus did.

“When I get my schedule, I’ll text you. The days we play McGill I’ll come and see you.”

He shook his head. “James.” He couldn’t tell him that he wasn’t allowed to live at his student house anymore, he’d be living at home with his parents and there was no way in hell James could come there.

“No. I will. Then by December we’ll be into the playoffs. Maybe you can come to Toronto. I’ll get us a hotel. No one will know. When the season is done in January I’ll have more time, until the draft closes in. Hey.”

Regulus was crying properly now because fuck this sounded idyllic, this sounded all levels of perfect and God did he want it. He wanted it so badly, but it would never happen. None of it, none of it would happen.

“We can’t.” he whispered. “My parents.”

“Reggie,”

“They’ll literally kill me.” Without a shred of exaggeration.

“They won’t know.” James pleaded. “Like they don’t know about our summers. Baby, they won’t know.”

They will. Regulus thought, but he couldn’t say no to him, to those eyes. He was glad he wouldn’t have to look him in the eye when James found out that he’d gone to France, glad he wouldn’t have to see the hurt. Because those eyes were already going to haunt him for the rest of his life, seeing them full of brokenheart would shatter his soul entirely.

********

“Baby, lets go.” James pestered through the bathroom door as Regulus stared at himself in the mirror, psyching himself up for what he was about to do. This was the only time now, they were leaving in two days, and Regulus hadn’t had the guts to break it all off with James. But this was it, they’d have the boat to themselves, the lake surrounding them, and nowhere to escape to. He had to do it today. He had to break both their hearts.

“Before Sirius tries to come with us!” James voice came again, impatient.

Regulus opened the door with a smile. “I’m ready,” he said, as if he hadn’t been in there for ten minutes freaking the fuck out. He led the way through the house, quietly slipping out onto the deck and hurrying down to the boat. James followed with a backpack and a cooler of snacks and drinks. Evidently, he planned on being out on the water for a while. Regulus wondered how long that would last once he got to his point and ruined everything. We can’t be together. He rehearsed. I have a duty to my family. This was just a fling. His chest started hammering. We can’t ever see each other again.

I love you and its killing me.

He shoved the thought away, and tried to push his mind back to everything he’d practiced saying in his head all night, lying in James’ arms, sated and limp from sex, purple marks all over his thighs and pushing away that stupid smile as he was kissed.

As he was worshipped.

            Taking a seat on the bench on the port side of the boat, he waited for James to load up and untie her, pushing off from the dock with his foot before returning to the helm and pushing the throttle.

“Bon voyage.” He said over his shoulder with a grin. Regulus shook his head happily. Idiot.

He watched as this arrogant, stupidly attractive man moved around the boat with ease, upping the speed, sunglasses perched on his nose, his normal glasses in Regulus’ hand, for safe keeping, and wondered how many other people in the world knew what a softie this football prodigy was. How nobody knew that James’ favourite thing to do was to hide under the covers with his head on Regulus’ stomach and his arms wrapped around his middle. To hold on as tightly as he could. How James would make him food every evening without fail, buy him all the books he’d mentioned in passing, listen with the intensity of a loyal sheepdog and still find the space to ask if he was doing enough.

Regulus’ chest ached as James turned and smiled broadly at him with a wink, one hand on the wheel. He wasn’t sure he had the cruelty in him that he’d found at Christmas. Everything was different now, James felt different in the way that he took up more of Regulus’ soul. Banishing him would leave him with nothing but shattered glass. Yet, how else could this go? He was sold to his father’s wishes, bound to the document he foolishly signed, resigned to the silence.

            James slowed the boat and expertly anchored her, and that’s when Regulus recognised where they were. This was the cove, from their near kiss last year. James laughed bashfully when he noticed the recognition on his face.

“I wanted to kiss you so bad that day.” He cut the motor.

“Why didn’t you?” Regulus baited.

James’ jaw dropped. “Because you bolted! Baby, you tried to swim home!” laughing, he pulled Regulus to his feet.

Frowning, Regulus turned his nose up at him. “Lies. Slander.” But his smile betrayed him.

“Are you gonna bolt this time?” James asked as the boat bobbed below them.

Yes.

“No.” Regulus shook his head and leaned up to kiss him, balancing on his toes as arms swept behind him.

They swam, messing around in the surf, James scooping him up and launching him into the water, laughter bouncing off the rocks and echoing around the cove. They made out in the water, James’ hands under his thighs, holding him up, and Regulus’ arms around his neck. They walked up onto the pebbled beach and ventured into the cave, stopping to kiss every few feet. At the back of the cave, the space narrowed, curved and ventured no further into the rock. A dead end, one might say. Regulus lingered there, fingers grazing the back wall pensively.

“Hungry?” James asked, already heading back towards the heat of the day.

He nodded and forced a smile, then followed him out of the cave.

            The ate on the boat, sat on the same bench seat, lunch between them, sharing sandwiches and chips. A Tupperware of fruit half eaten and another of cubes of cheese. Regulus sat with one knee drawn up as he ate, nibbling delicately at everything, heart lurching as he watched James finish every half eaten thing he gave him. The rest of his sandwich, a handful of chips he no longer wanted. He was like a labrador hovering around a family dining table. Without complaint, he hoovered up every bit of food Regulus couldn’t bring himself to finish. But he still managed to eat more in James’ company than he ever did in anyone else’s, or on his own.

“Are you excited for your season?” Regulus asked, breaking off a square of chocolate and giving the rest to his labrador.

James nodded. “Definitely. I’m more confident this year, I’m going into it fitter than last year. Sirius on the other hand, is going to have a hellish time.” And he laughed. “Poor guy’s probably gonna throw up in the first two days back.”

Regulus smirked. “Probably serves him right for slacking all summer.”

“Are you?” James asked hesitantly. “Looking forward to getting back to college?”

Regulus inhaled and thought. “I’m excited to see my friends. To get started on my classes. My parents. Not so much.”

“Will they be awful?”

He shrugged. “Does the sun set in the west?”

James just nodded.

Regulus wiped his hands on a napkin and pulled his towel around him as a breeze picked up across the water.

“I’ve been wanting to ask you something.” James said after a stagnant pause. He brushed his hands together, ridding his fingers of salt from the chip bag. Regulus worried the inside of his cheek in dreaded anticipation. He watched as James shifted, so that they were facing one another on the bench, the boat rocking rhythmically from side to side as a jet ski shot past the bay.

“When we leave here and go back to school and to our lives and all the shit that comes with it.” He paused and laughed a short, embarrassed laugh. “Honestly, I don’t how I’m going to manage not getting to hold you every night.”

“James.” He tried, eyes full of woeful inkling as to where this conversation was going.

“No, listen to me.” James took his hand, eyes burning into his. “I can’t bear the thought of anyone else being with you, touching you, even looking at you. Regulus, I-” he stopped and looked out over the water.

“Maybe we should go back.” Regulus said pitifully.

He couldn’t do this, whatever this was about to be. He’d come out here ready to break James’ heart and right now, all he could feel was his own, collapsing in on itself because he didn’t deserve him. Regulus did not deserve this man.

James looked back but Regulus noticed his pupils were blown wide with need, with raw honestly.

“Not yet.” He squeezed their hands together, then muttered, more to himself. “Fuck, I thought I had this together.” And scoffed. “I need you. Regulus.”

All Regulus could do was listen and try not to allow the ball of anxiety to engulf him.

“I need you like fucking oxygen. I crave every atom of you. My entire body aches for you, to be near you, to just get to look at you, to listen to you talk, to bask in the complexities of your brilliant mind. Like… shit. I am tearing myself apart wondering how the fuck I’m supposed to live in another city and get through each night alone. For an entire year, until I get you to myself for another mere eight weeks.”

“Jamie.” But his vision was already blurring, and this was not going to plan.

But James continued. “One day, I want to look up to those stands and see you in my fucking number cheering me on, and then I want to drive you home, to the house of your dreams and I want to hold you every goddamn night until the day I die.”

Woah.

“This is insanity.” Regulus breathed as his heart fell about in pieces around them. “This isn’t happening.” He frightenedly whispered to himself.

“Be my boyfriend. Regulus. Officially.” James said with raucous conviction.  

Regulus’ mouth opened and closed, his eyes wide. Then he stood up abruptly, pulling his hands away and James’ sad eyes followed him, very obviously waiting for him to say yes. Of course. But he couldn’t, could he? Not with everything in his life about to crumble to ruins.

The silence fattened between them.

The boat continued to rock.

Then James hung his head, hands braced on his knees. “Fuck please say something.”

“I can’t.” Regulus’ reply was barely words, barely audible. “I don’t…”

“Why not? Why won’t you let yourself be happy?” James pleaded.

“Because.”

“Because What?” his jaw tightened and released as he fought with himself. “Tell me.”

“Tell you what?”

“Tell me that you don’t want us to be together.” James announced defensively, eyes brimming now too, but he rubbed them roughly away.

He opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again.

He said nothing.

“I want us to be together.” James said, eyes full of desperate honesty. “To be with you, properly. This,” he gestured between them. “I’ll never find this again, not with anyone. Not ever. Regulus. This. Is everything. Listen, please just fucking listen to me. You’re the only person I ever want to be with. I won’t survive you leaving me a second time.”

Regulus sat down on the opposite bench, the boat continued to rock beneath them, yet the sensation was almost overwhelmingly soothing. The need to for solid ground was deafening. He pulled the towel tighter around his body.

“Why won’t you fight for us?” James snapped tearfully, one hand in a fist on his knee.

“Stop. Jamie.” He said quietly, retreating.

“No, listen to me. All you do is run away. You shut me out, all the time. I understand that things are shit, I get it, I really do. But you cannot let your parents dictate your life! You can’t let them take this from us!”

They already have.

Consequentially, something changed then. Old habits. Defence mechanisms kicking into gear.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” Regulus remarked nastily. “You have no idea what my life is like.”

“No, I don’t!” James snapped back. “Because you don’t talk to me! You don’t let me in! Baby you don’t ever let me help you! Like shit, I had to pretty much pin you down last year to bandage your hand?!”

Regulus’ finger traced the scar that lined his palm.

James sighed and took a deep breath. He braced his hands on the bench either side of him.

“I just want to be there for you, I want to fight your battles, to keep you safe. I want to cook you good food, I want to hold you all night. I want to kiss you, make love, Regulus. Please.” He paused. He looked scared. “I can’t give this up.” James was practically begging, he looked broken, and Regulus’ chest imploded with guilt.

He had allowed this to go too far, he had to twist the knife.

“Whatever this is, James. Its casual. I thought we both understood that?” he said, trying to sound detached, poorly disguising the hitch in his voice. At the end of the day that was far as it could go. James had no idea what shit storm was about to take over Regulus’ life, and he didn’t want him to ever find out. didn’t want James to be swept up into the eye of it, didn’t want him to ruin his life to get him out of a mess of Regulus’ own making.

“God!” James groaned, hands flying to his head, getting up and stomping to the bow and back. “I can’t keep having this same fight with you Regulus!”

“I’m not trying to fight with you, but you don’t seem to fucking get it!” Regulus snapped, standing up too. “I like what we have, I don’t understand why you want to change it? We can have the summer. But that’s it. Don’t ruin it! Because nothing is going to change. We can’t be anything. Because my family are never going to change. I can’t be your boyfriend, James!” he shouted, choking back tears.

James softened, reaching for him. “Baby,”

Regulus flinched away, arms folded tightly. “No! Don’t fucking baby me. I can’t be your baby, James. I can’t be yours. Don’t you get that? Do you have any idea what my parents would do if they found out?”

The taller man looked hurt and for a moment. He didn’t speak, but when he did, his tone was butter soft. “It doesn’t matter what they think. They have no hold over you Regulus, you’re an adult and if they don’t like that, well… Well then you can come and live with me.”

“Oh yeah sure!” Regulus laughed cruelly, folding the towel tightly in his arms. “You think it’s that easy? I’ll just swan over to your house? Not everyone has your life, James. Not everyone gets to choose their own path backed up by their supportive apple pie allyship fucking delightful parents.”

Wounded, James took a step back.

Regulus continued to lash out. “You. With your perfect parents, your scholarship, your friends. You live this perfect fucking existence, but you have to understand that it’s not like that for me.”

He paused, breathing heavy, eyes welling up again in frustration. The boat rocked slowly in the cast off waves from a larger vessel as it crossed the bay.

Then, his voice cracked. “I’m not allowed to love you, Jamie. Don’t you get that?”

James stilled and looked at him with a pale expression. “You love me?”

Regulus panicked, eyes wide and confused, thinking of any way he could backtrack. “I…”

“Please tell me that’s what you meant. Please.” James interrupted, closing the distance between them. “Because fucking hell, I’m so in love with you. I’m so horribly in love with you.”

Regulus froze.

Then he began to shake his head vigorously. This was dangerous, this couldn’t be happening. He tried to turn away but James pulled him back and kissed him, two sets of tears mingling on their cheeks. And Regulus simply couldn’t help himself, he clung to him, kissing him back, surrendering to his greatest weakness. They kissed and kissed, tongues pushing at one another’s mouths, teeth on lips, gasps attributed to the tears on their faces. Kissed until the hurt had numbed, until their grips on one another loosened.

“No one has to know.” James pleaded between gentle kisses. “We don’t have to tell anyone.” More kisses. “But baby I can’t lose you.” Another kiss, then he stilled and squeezed his eyes shut briefly, before opening them, meeting grey ones. “I love you, Regulus.”

Their faces were barely inches apart. James’ right hand was splayed on Regulus’ lower back, holding their bodies together. Regulus, looking up at him, blinked through tears and smiled through the pain of knowing what was waiting for him in Montreal. How sideways this fight had gone.

“I wish I could force myself to say that I take it back. I wish I could pretend that I don’t love you too. Because that’s easier. That’s safer. But…”

“But.” James echoed hopefully.

And then Regulus abandoned the voice inside his head that told him to run. That told him to push away this man, to hide, to shut down. He rejected it wholeheartedly, and confessed the deadliest of his secrets.

“I want us to be together too.” A sob took him, but he swallowed it. “I want to wear your stupid fucking jersey on game days, and not just when I’m alone in my bedroom. I want to be in the stands. I want you to kiss me when you win the league. When you one day win the fucking Superbowl. I want to be gross and old with you. Fuck, Jamie. I want all of that.”

“Then say yes.” James implored, one hand on Regulus’ jaw, thumb running across his bottom lip. “Allow yourself to reach out and take what you want.”

“James.” He sighed, closing his eyes. “I can’t.”

“Regulus.” The taller man whispered back, dropping to his knees and placing his forehead on Regulus’ stomach, kissing the soft skin, hands on the backs of his thighs.  “You can.”

Regulus carded his fingers through brown curls and took a deep shuddering breath, anther rogue tear dropping onto his cheek. “I can’t.” he whispered feebly.

“Please. Reggie. Please. Let me love you.” James said hopelessly against his skin.

Fighting himself, he tried to resist the urge to shut down, to tow the party line, to obey his father. “I’m scared.”

“I know, baby.”

He took a deep breath. “I love you. I love you so much it hurts.” Regulus admitted and James looked up, wrecked. Then he asked, seeking further clarification as if the man on his knees wasn’t enough. “Do you love me?”

“So fucking much.” James said, surging to his feet and picking him up to kiss him through the broadest smile Regulus had ever seen.

They kissed for an age, Regulus’ hands cupping James’ cheeks, noses pressed together, damp bodies slick with the remnants of lake water. Then they broke away.

“Will you be my boyfriend?” Regulus asked, legs locked around James’ middle, ignoring the screaming voice in the back of his head asking him what the fuck was he playing at? What would happen in two days when he had to face his father, when he had to cut off Sirius, when he had to go to France and never look back?

Yet, an unguarded laugh warmed something in his stomach and voice fizzled out as James nodded, kissing him hard. “A thousand times yes.”

            Beneath them, the boat bobbed in its own private celebration. Regulus tried to relish in the moment, in the knowledge that James was his. Entirely. But under the surface, lurking, was France, and his father, and everything he’d agreed to. Everything he’d failed to confess to the man he loved.

*******

Regulus lay on his side, face buried in James’ pillow, the room lit only by the thin silver spill of moonlight through the curtains. James lay opposite him, close enough that Regulus could feel the warmth of him, close enough that if he leant forwards even a fraction their lips would graze.

“Your parents are so surprising.” Regulus said suddenly. “Even after two summers, it gets me every time.”

James smiled, already fond. “Surprising how?”

“In the way that they ask if I need anything, like all the time and seem genuinely interested in the answer,” Regulus replied. “And how your mum actually listens when someone answers a question. Your dad even thanked me for drying the dishes.”

James laughed. “High praise.”

“I’m serious,” Regulus said, softer. “They’re wonderful.”

James’ smile lingered, then faded into something more careful. He shifted closer. “They like you a lot.”

Regulus looked away, eyes tracking the edge of the headboard. “I have no idea why.”

“Because you’re phenomenal. Hey, don’t roll your eyes at me.”

James grinned, leaning in to kiss him. Surrendering to the kiss for a moment, Regulus pulled back, head on his hand, propped up on his side.

“I’m sorry you don’t get on with your parents,” James said gently.

Regulus huffed a humourless laugh. “It is not a matter of getting on. They’re awful people.”

James didn’t interrupt.

“I didn’t grow up being asked how my day was,” Regulus continued, voice steady but distant. “I was never greeted with anything other than humiliation and condemnation. I mean, Christ, we had a governess. God forbid Mother ever showed us any empathy.”

James stiffened. “That’s not okay, Reggie. Nor is that normal.”

Regulus shrugged. “That was our normal.” He hesitated, then added, “The house had to be silent, until it wasn’t, and when it wasn’t you made yourself scarce. You never knew which version of them you’d get. Everything was conditional. Praise was rare but the silence was worse.”

James reached out slowly, giving Regulus time to pull away, but he didn’t, he leant into him, head smushed to James’ firm chest.

“They thrive on control,” Regulus said. “Fear kept us obedient. Sirius fought it but I learned to disappear.”

James’ thumb brushed lightly over Regulus’ skin. “That’s horrible.”

“I know,” Regulus said quietly. “That’s why I don’t usually talk about it.”

“But you can,” James said. “With me. I want to listen to you, I want to support you.”

Regulus swallowed but continued, if he took too deep a breath he’d shut down, he had to get it all out.

“They always pitted us against each other, Sirius and I. Compared us. Punished us for different things but with the same cruelty, though Sirius took my punishments, every damn time, until they would no longer let him. Then they’d just make him watch. The house felt like it was always on the brink of something exploding.”

James’ voice was rough. “You didn’t deserve any of that.”

Regulus finally met his eyes. “I know,” he said. It sounded unfamiliar though, as if an unspoken truth was finally settling.

James pulled him closer, noses brushing. “You’re safe here.”

Regulus closed his eyes, breathing him in. “I know.”

            They lay holding one another for a while longer, James tracing patterns on Regulus’ back, the sound of their breathing the only thing to be heard beside the rustle of the covers and the steady beat of James heart against Regulus’ ear. Eventually, sleep took them, and for a few hours, they slept embraced until James’ abhorrent alarm blasted throughout the peace of his room. Apologising profusely, he reached across and silenced it, then returned, kissing through another apology and rolling lazy hips against him.

“Hey, have you got a boyfriend? Because I’d like to take you out.” James said smoothly.

Regulus laughed. “I do actually and he’s pretty protective, so I’d back off if I were you.”

“Oh yeah?” James beamed, rolling over him.

“Mmhm.” Regulus agreed and let himself be kissed.

“You’re smiling,” James said softly, pushing hair out of Regulus’ face as he studied him.

Regulus rolled his eyes and scowled. “I’m not.”

“You are,” James insisted. “That’s the smile you have when you’re happy and your face hasn’t remembered to hide it yet.”

Regulus glared at him fondly, but didn’t bother denying it. “You’re mental.”

“Mental about you.” He muttered, pulling Regulus against him and kissing him hard.

With a squeak, he melted into the kiss. “Shut up.”

James grinned wider, utterly unrepentant. “Get used to it. You can’t get rid of me now.”

Regulus stomach churned guiltily and he pushed away, sitting up. “You could do so much better than me. You deserve someone better than me.”

James’ face dropped and he sat up too. “What?” Regulus looked down but fingers tipped his head back up. “Don’t ever say that again. No one comes close to you, Regulus. No one. I love you. I want you.”

He swallowed, eyes searching James’ for the lie, the people pleasing behind his words, but came up empty. Did this exceptional man actually want him? Like truly, whole heartedly want him? “But why? Why me?”

“Because.” James said, rolling on top of him and pinning his arms above his head. “Well, there are many reasons, but to note a few. You’re beautiful, like holy fuck hot.” And kissed his chest, tongue flicking out teasingly.

Regulus tried to look away, embarrassed.

“Hey. No. You are. I’m right, deal with it.” James grinned and kissed him again. “Also, you’re terrifyingly intelligent, and I am in awe of your mind and all the big words inside it.”

“James.”

“Shh I’m not done.” He whispered, kissing his neck, sucking along his collar bone. “Did I mention how hot you were?”

Regulus laughed, rolling James off him and shifting back onto their sides.

“You’re an idiot.”

But he was kissed again before he could finish whatever self-admonishment had been surfacing in his head. Kisses turned lazy and slow, James wrapped his arms around Regulus’ middle and pulled him on top, legs entangled as they explored one other’s mouths with curious tongues.

“So,” James said, breathless, after what felt like an eternity. “Important question.”

Regulus braced, one eye squeezed shut, hands on James’ chest. “I’m afraid.”

“If Montreal’s team disappeared, I don’t know why, say zombie apocalypse. Who would you support?”

Regulus narrowed his eyes. “For hockey?”

“For hockey,” James confirmed solemnly.

“This is what you think about when we kiss?” he frowned, concerned.

“No, baby. Just, answer the question!” James playfully swatted Regulus’ thighs.

“Jamie, I think if zombies took out the Candiens I wouldn’t be concerned about what team I was going to be rooting for. That wouldn’t be priority number one.”

“Humour me!” he chuckled, jostling Regulus, hands sliding up and down his legs.

“Fine!” with a grumble, he considered. “Probably Colorado and if I was really desperate, Ottawa.”

James made a wounded noise. “Even though the Leafs are so close?”

“Over my cold dead body,” Regulus replied sweetly, emphasising each word with perfect enunciation. “You wouldn’t catch me dead in a Leafs jersey.”

“Blasphemy!” James accused.

“Fact,” Regulus said. “You keep your bottom of the league team. I’m all good up here at the top, with my non-zombified Candiens.”

James laughed again, shaking his head. “You’re impossibly stubborn.”

“Says you! Wouldn’t you support the Leafs? What kind of idiot question is that!” Regulus couldn’t help but giggle as James rolled them again, kissing him fiercely.

Pausing, the man above him winked charmingly. “You adore me. You love me.”

“I tolerate you,” he said harshly, then softened. “Extensively, and I suppose yes, I love you. Begrudgingly.” And they were kissing again.

“See. Big words.” James smirked.

“I’m going to buy you a bloody thesaurus.”

“Is that a dinosaur?”

“Shut up. Jamie.”

            They made out under the covers, limbs entangled until the clock found itself approaching midnight.

“Fuck I could kiss you forever,” James whispered against his lips.

Regulus smiled, then deflected. He didn’t have time to think about forever right now, the voice in his head still plagued him. France loomed like a storm cloud. When was the right time?  Would there ever be a right time? Would James ever forgive him for such a thing?

“Are you going to play football, after college I mean?”

James’ expression shifted thoughtfully. He lay down beside Regulus and traced a lazy line along the sheet between them. “I hope so. Depends how well I fair in the draft next year.”

Regulus watched him. “You’ll get drafted,” he said quietly. “Any team would be stupid not to take you.”

James met his eyes vulnerably. “You really think so?”

“I know so,” Regulus replied. “You’re brilliant.”

James’ smile this time was almost shy. “You know,” he said, “wherever I end up one day, down the line… I want you there. In the stands, yelling at the linesmen and I can look up and be like yep, there’s my husband, throwing in his two pence!”

Regulus’ heart was suddenly in his throat.

“Sorry. That was really forward.” James said quickly, retracting.

“You really think about that stuff?” he asked, looking him in the eye.

James reached out, thumb brushing Regulus’ cheek and nodded. “All the time.”

Regulus leaned in without thinking. Their kiss was unhurried but laced with unspoken words. He couldn’t promise James that, he couldn’t swear that he’d be there, because he wouldn’t, he’d be in France, with his father and the Dubois girl, and he’d have to learn to forget James, to forget this feeling. Learn to forget that he loved him, and that James loved him too.

Pushing those thoughts to the back of his mind, he surrendered to the kiss, lifting his hips to make contact with James’, smiling at the animalistic moan he pulled from him. When they finally pulled apart, Regulus felt lighter than he had in weeks.

“Stay,” James murmured, pulling Regulus’ bottom lip between his teeth and running his hands down his sides.

Regulus smiled, eyes closing. “For as long as you’ll have me.”

“In that case. You’re stuck with me.” James’ eyes flashed menacingly at him, and he shifted down the bed, placing kisses to his stomach, his thighs. Regulus closed his eyes and allowed himself to give in to the moment, to push everything else aside. He could live in this fantasy for a couple more days. He could have James for a few more days. Perhaps, someday, that would be enough? Wouldn’t it?

Chapter Text

Chapter Twenty Nine

Regulus waited until the last of their friends had scaled the stairs and shut their bedroom doors before he pounced on James. Now, sitting in his lap, their mouths crashed together and their tongues pushed possessively into one another’s mouths. James’ hands slid round to grab Regulus’ ass and squeezed.

“I can’t believe I get to have you.” James muttered, words half swallowed by a kiss.  

“I can’t believe I have to go back to Montreal tomorrow.” Regulus countered.

James whined in protest. “Don’t go. Let’s elope.”

“Oh shut up Jamie. Don’t be an idiot.” He laughed, rolling his eyes as James’ lips found his neck.

“Shall we put a movie on? In the cinema room? Concentrate really hard?” James asked, grinning.

“As long as it’s not one of your boring football movies.” Regulus said, still panting, shifting his hips down hard against James’ lap, smiling at the noise that left him.

“Anything. Put literally anything on. I don’t care.” James said, standing up, picking Regulus up with him and walking briskly across the room, pulling open the door to the cinema room and slipping inside. Regulus watched him lock it behind them, and went in search of the remote. But before he had the chance, James was on him, hands around his middle, kissing Regulus’ neck from behind.

“Cut it out.” He said firmly. “I’m choosing a movie.”

James whined into his neck, pushing his already hard dick against Regulus’ back. “Screw the movie.” He whispered.

Regulus ignored him, pulling up Netflix and selecting the first thing to come up, some action film with a few too-famous actors. Then he turned in James’ arms and kissed him, rising up on his toes to reach his mouth. James quickly rectified that, picking him up and walking to the front row of leather couches. He sat down heavily, Regulus straddling his lap, never breaking the kiss.

“Too many clothes.” Regulus whispered, yanking at James shirt, pulling it up over his head and lobbing it into the row behind. Then he took off his own and James’ mouth was immediately on his nipples. Regulus threw his head back, hands gripping James’ hair as a tongue flicked and sucked at them. He could feel himself getting hard, straining at his sweats.

“On your knees.” James said, voice rough.

Regulus practically leapt from him, kneeling on the floor before him as James slid his jeans and boxers down to his thighs, his cock springing free, bouncing back against his stomach. He parted his knees and Regulus settled between them. Regulus looked up at him, fingers closing around the base, pulling it towards him. He licked at the tip, tongue flicking over the head. James moaned, watching him obsessively. Regulus continued to tease, licking from the base, soaking it, kissing it, glancing up into those hazel eyes. One hand travelled up James’ chest towards his mouth, but James caught him around the wrist, holding it against his chest.

“You’re such a tease.” He panted.

Regulus smirked. “Is there something you want?” he asked innocently, parroting James’ own words against him.

“You know what I want.” James lifted his hips and Regulus sat back, looking up at him through his eyelashes, one arm still caught up against James’ chest. “Regulus.”

“Jamie.” Regulus smirked, challengingly. Then he was pulled sharply forwards by his caught hand, face colliding with James’ dick. He laughed and looked up. “Oh, you want me to suck your dick?” he said as obliviously as he could.

“Baby.” James breathed.

Regulus smiled and took James in his mouth, sliding down, relishing in the noise James made, the way his legs fell further apart, the way his hips threatened to buck. He pulled off and lowered back down, slow at first, but then he began to bob his head faster, sucking at the tip, tongue dancing over it, before taking him all the way in, relaxing his throat until his nose pressed at the soft hairs at the base. The he looked up. James had his eyes closed, his fingers were still firmly gripping Regulus’ wrist. Regulus continued to bob and lick and suck until suddenly, James pulled him off.

“Stop, stop. Or I’ll come, and Jesus I want to fuck you.” He laughed softly, pulling Regulus back up, shoving his thumbs in his sweats and pushing them down. Regulus kicked them the rest of the way off, pulling off his socks before settling back in James’ lap. “C’mere.” James whispered, kissing him deeply, but gently, hands on his ass, pulling him against him, sliding one hand round to tease his hole, pressing against the muscle, watching as Regulus gasped and squirmed. “There’s lube in my back pocket.” He said. Regulus reached down, fumbling with James’ jeans, pulling out the tube and handing it to him.

“Hurry up.” He swallowed, straddling him again, pushing his knees wide either side of James’ thighs. Regulus closed his eyes as he listened to the tube cap snap and cold, slick wetness slide against him. He gasped into James’ neck as a thick finger pushed against his ass, pressing in past the muscle, eliciting the smallest moan. He bit down on James’ collar bone.

“Don’t leave a mark.” James said firmly. Regulus resisted, whining as the finger moved inside him, soon joined by another, stretching him.

“Fuck.” He panted. “Fuck.” His fingers’ tightened in James’ curls as he kissed him hard, his bottom lip pulled between James’ teeth. A third finger entered him, and he moaned low into James’ mouth. “Please, Jamie. Fuck me.”

“Soon, baby. You’re not ready yet.”

Regulus could have exploded in that moment. The anticipation seemed endless. He wrapped his arms around James’ neck, his nose pressed to his hair, inhaling him, trying to will himself not to come untouched, with only fingers inside him. He moaned into the stretch, thighs trembling, cock rubbing against James’, leaking and desperate.

“James, for the love of God. Fuck me.” He rolled his hips back onto James’ hand as he felt the contact disappear. Regulus opened his eyes, meeting James’, breath mingling.

James’ hands settled on his hips as he moved him, shifting down slightly underneath him. “Knees wider.” He said low. Regulus spread them, resting his hands on James’ shoulders as he was moved, strong hands lowering him. He felt the tip of James’ cock against his hole and he whined.

“Easy.” James purred, kissing him, pushing Regulus down, watching in awe as Regulus stretched around him. He broke the kiss and moaned, mouth open, the pleasant burn settled as he sank down, seating himself. “Fuck.” James panted.

“Shit.” Regulus moaned, clenching, trembling. He needed James to move. His own dick was leaking desperately. He rolled his hips, seeking friction and moaned.

“God, you feel so good, baby. Shit. I love you so much.” James’ hands travelled up his sides, before settling back on his hips and lifting him halfway off, and lowering him back down. “Bring your knees in now. Fuck yourself on me.”

“What?” Regulus asked, staring at him.

“I want to watch you.” James smirked, leaning back, hands behind his head, arrogantly. He bucked his hips up once. “Move.”

Regulus gasped at that, placing a hand on the solid chest in front of him and laughing, blushing hard. “Are you for real?”

“Yes.” James grinned. “I want to see you ride me, I want to see you fucking yourself on me. I want you to come like this, without me touching you.”

Regulus’ mouth dropped open, but not because he didn’t want to, but because of how brazen James had become, now that everything had been said, now that they could say they were together. Properly. So, he drew his knees together, pressing them against James’ thighs, whimpering as he pulled off a little and lifted himself up, using James’ shoulders to anchor himself, then sank back down, mouth still open. He gasped, trying to steady his breathing, lifting off and lowering himself back down, rolling his hips as he bottomed out, moans low and guttural. He knew James was watching him, knew he was beaming, but rather than being flooded with embarrassment, like he would have been last summer, now he felt wanted, he felt desired, loved. And God, did he want to put on the best damn show he could.

“Okay?” James asked, mouth slack.

Regulus nodded. He began moving faster, fucking himself hard, bouncing relentlessly on James’ cock, throwing his head back, squirming as his prostate sent shock waves through his body. Then James’ hands were back on his hips, guiding him, and James was thrusting up into him, faster and harder, both men moaning into each other’s mouths. Regulus’ knees went slack and he seated himself hard, eliciting a cry of pleasure and James flipped them, pressing him into the couch, pulling his legs up onto his shoulders as he fucked him. Regulus moaned and reached for his own dick, but James’ was quicker, pinning his hands above his head.

“I said untouched, sweetheart.” He purred, thrusting hard. Regulus barely lasted two more minutes before he was coming in ribbons all over himself and James came hard inside him moments later, thrusts slowing with the aftershocks, a chuckle accompanying kisses, soft and gentle. Regulus wrapped his newly freed arms around him and pulled him close, smiling, kissing him, body still sensitive and trembling. James still throbbing inside him.

“Fuck.” He managed through a laugh, still seeing stars.

“You all good?” James asked, kissing his forehead. Regulus nodded. “Was I too rough?”

“No, that was so good.” Regulus blushed, and laughed. “Fuck, Jamie.” He groaned as James pulled out.

James kissed him again. “You’re fucking everything. Christ. You’re so beautiful. I love you.”

“Shut up.” Regulus rolled his eyes, pushing James’ face away.

“Oi.” A hand gripped his jaw gently and turned it back to face him. “If I have to tell you that every day until you believe it, then I will. You. Regulus Black. Are fucking beautiful. Okay?”

Regulus watched him, and his stomach flipped in disbelief. How was this man here? How was it, that this spectacular man, was interested in him? “Okay.” Regulus whispered, drunk on him. Obsessed with his every word. His smile. His eyes. The dimples in his cheeks.

“Okay.” James repeated, and kissed him so chastely, Regulus wanted to melt into the floor.

“I love you more.” Regulus whispered, body still trembling with pleasure.

“Impossible.” James said, drunk on him, fixated, kissing him again and rolling his hips in lazy thrusts as he attempted to match Regulus’ uncontrollable moans.

*******

Their last morning was sombre. They set their alarms early, not because Regulus had an early flight, but because they wanted to make the most of every hour they had left together. James sucked a mark into his collar bone, insisting that no one would see now and Regulus allowed it, he loved the sting of them and the rush of blood as the skin was released. That one was joined by another just below it, and one more to the left of that. As long as he didn’t take his shirt off, no one would be any the wiser.

“I’m sure no one would notice you living in my house.” James murmured, breaking away from a kiss, pulling Regulus’ bottom lip between his teeth.

“You mean the house you share with my brother? Sure. No one will notice.”

James kissed him again harder, “Did I say anything about leaving my room?” hands ran along his body. “You’d never need to leave.”

“Oh so you’re kidnapping me?” Regulus asked, smiling as James kissed down his neck.

“Definitely.”

“Okay,” he laughed quietly, gasping as James’ mouth travelled lower. He’d lost count of what round they were on since waking at five, and if they were counting the night before too then he was completely lost. Eight? Ten? But what was certain was that they weren’t going to miss a second, particularly Regulus, given this might be last time he got to have this, to have James like this. Despite their development, despite being official and in love and happy, as soon as that plane touched down in Montreal, his life would belong to his father to do with however he saw fit. And that could very well mean never seeing James again. He had prepared himself for the worst, and still naively hoped for the best.

“Promise me, something.” Regulus said, looking down at James from where he lay on his chest.

“Anything.” James said, pushing a strand of dark hair behind Regulus’ ear.

He took a deep breath and mulled over his words, choosing them as carefully as he dared. “If anything… happens. Changes. Or, I don’t know, Sirius says…” he trailed off. “Just promise that you won’t do anything stupid… for me.”

James frowned, trying to read between the lines. “What do you mean if something happens?”

“I don’t know, I’m just saying. In case it does.”

“I would tear through the gates of hell to get to you.” James declared, face solemn. “I would start a war to keep you safe.”

“Jamie.”

“No, I’m not kidding.” He rolled them, elbows either side of Regulus’ face, looking down at him. “I love you. Nothing will ever change that.”

Regulus doubted that highly. When James found out what he’d agreed to…  

“So don’t say things like that. If you need me. You damn well call me.” He wasn’t raising his voice, but he was visibly concerned by Regulus’ request. And people said Regulus was stubborn, clearly those people hadn’t met James Potter. “Okay?”

“Okay.” Regulus lied with a smile, reaching up and stroking his face with his thumb, running it along the hard line of his jaw. James lowered himself to kiss him and Regulus wrapped his legs around his waist to pull their hips together.

            By ten o’clock Regulus’ suitcase sat forlornly by his bedroom door and his boyfriend sat even more forlornly on Regulus’ bed, holding his shoes hostage.

“Jamie. We’ve got to go.”

James tugged him close by the belt of his jeans and kissed him. “I don’t want to.”

“Me neither.” He tried to smile, but it faltered so he leaned in and kissed him once more, memorising the feel of James’ thighs either side of him, his hands on his waist, his lips, his smell. “I love you so much.” He whispered.

“I love you too.” James smiled and reluctantly handed him his shoes.

            Regulus sat in the back of the truck. Sirius and Remus were in the front next to James and Lily sat beside him in the back. She stretched a hand across and grabbed his own, squeezing it affectionately. He offered her a tight smile and looked out the window. He tried to commit everything to memory. The lake. The trees. The winding roads through the forests. He’d never have the privilege of returning here, not unless Uncle Alphard found some miracle to get him out of this deal.

In the front Sirius was banging on about pre-season. Remus sat quietly beside him. James was stoic, he gripped the wheel tensely but kept catching Regulus’ eye in the rearview mirror. He tried to smile back at him, but the fear was creeping in. He was leaving. This was over and James had no idea. Regulus pressed his fingers to the bruise on his collar bone and closed his eyes in an attempt to stay the anxiety growing in his stomach.

            The truck parked. Everyone got out.

Hugged.

Remus and Sirius kissed slowly, but with little desperation, after all they’d see each other in a week. Living together. Happily. Regulus looked away but was accosted by Lily, hugging him tightly.

“Look after yourself. Okay?” she ordered.

“I will.” Regulus nodded. “Look after him, please?” he whispered, then drew back, catching her fierce green eyes.

“Of course I will.” She smiled. Then she turned and pulled Sirius in for a hug, he swept her off her feet and spun her around. Regulus took this opportunity to hug James who clung to him desperately.

“Don’t take any shit, baby.” James whispered, voice catching.

“I’ll try.”

“Text me when you land.” And that was it, James stepped back and smiled at him, but Regulus knew him well enough by now to realise he wasn’t holding his shit together. He was on the brink of falling apart. Lily was there though, looping her arm through James’ and squeezing tightly and Regulus pulled his suitcase behind him and followed his brother into the terminal, looking back at James once more and attempting to offer a reassuring smile, ignoring the way his breath snagged in his throat.

            They checked their bags in. Sirius hadn’t said much though. Nothing more than was necessary. Regulus did as he was told, and followed him towards departures. Then his phone buzzed.

Can’t believe I won’t get to wake up next to you anymore.

Regulus didn’t have the strength to open it yet, let alone reply. His feet were almost halfway turned around, ready to bolt back to him, to run away with him. Anything. Anything that meant he wouldn’t have to go to leave the most perfect thing in his life in another city.

“Hurry up Reggie!” Sirius snapped, glaring at him with that typical older sibling authority.

Regulus startled and shoved his phone into his pocket. “I’m coming.”

They boarded in silence.

Once seated, Sirius by the aisle, Regulus pressed into the window, Sirius exhaled and switched off his phone. He looked pissed, but recently that seemed to be one of his only two moods. Pissed, or over the top annoyingly loud. It was exhausting to be around really.

“So,” Sirius said flatly. “That’s it then.”

Regulus didn’t look at him. “Well yeah. There’s nothing to be done right now. That’s what Alphard said.”

“That’s what Alphard said,” Sirius mimicked bitterly. “Christ, Reg, you makes it sound like we’re waiting on the fucking weather.”

“He said he needs time,” Regulus said detachedly. “That rushing would make it worse. Father isn’t going to change his mind overnight.”

Sirius scoffed, arms folded like a toddler. “Of course he did. He needs endless fucking time. Meanwhile you’re the one with the clock ticking on your freedom.”

Regulus swallowed. “It’s only one semester, and it’s not until January.”

“In France,” Sirius snapped. “It’s the start of everything father wants.”

“That doesn’t mean it will all happen,” Regulus said. “Alphard said-”

“Alphard isn’t the one being shipped off,” Sirius cut in. “He’s not the one being groomed like a fucking asset.”

Regulus flinched. “Lower your voice.”

Sirius scoffed. “Why? You think he can hear me from thirty thousand feet?”

Regulus didn’t answer, just looked out the window, at the wilderness below them. They sat in silence, the plane whirring that typical deafening sound, the air heavy between them.

“So what,” Sirius went on, quieter, “we just let it play out? That’s the plan? Sit on our hands and hope father gets bored?”

“It’s not that,” Regulus said. “It’s strategic.”

“Oh, don’t start using his words,” Sirius snapped. “You hate that.”

Regulus picked at the seam of his sleeve. “I don’t hate it. I just… I understand it.”

Sirius turned to stare at him. “You shouldn’t. Alphard wants to put you on a stand to be prodded at and dissected.”

“Well maybe that would help,” Regulus said, a little defensively. “He said pushing now would make father dig in. That if we wait, if we let him think he’s won, maybe-”

“And how long are you meant to suffer for that illusion?” Sirius demanded. “A year? Two? Long enough for him to marry you off?”

Regulus’ throat tightened. “You don’t know that. It might not be that long. I’m not even twenty-one he won’t marry me off yet.”

“Ha!” Sirius shot back. “That’s precisely the point and to be honest Regulus, you’re naive if you think he won’t sell you to the highest bidder as soon as we touch down in Montreal. He probably already has.”

Regulus pressed his forehead lightly to the window. “I can handle it,” he said softly.

Sirius laughed again, but this time there was no humour in it. “That’s what scares me.”

Regulus finally looked at him. “Well what do you want me to do, Siri?”

“I want you to fight,” Sirius said immediately. “I want you to say no. To walk away.”

“I can’t,” Regulus replied, just as quickly, spitting each word.

“Why not?”

“You know why. He’d come right back for you. Probably sue the both of us.”

“This is bullshit,” he muttered. “Absolute bullshit.”

Regulus nodded. “I know.”

The seatbelt sign pinged off.

“So we just wait,” Sirius said grimly.

“Yes,” Regulus said. “We just wait.”

Sirius stared straight ahead, hands clenched on the armrests. “I hate this plan.”

Regulus leaned back in his seat, eyes closing briefly. “Me too.”

The plane tilted right, pulling them away from Toronto, from James, from the life Regulus had already started to grieve, while Sirius burned beside him in perpetual silence.

******

The steps of Grimmauld Place felt cursed. The front door a looming black hole.  Regulus stood two steps behind his older brother as they ascended the five stone steps. Sirius drew back the knocker and waited. Neither of them had ever been given house keys, they hadn’t earned the privilege. Almost instantly, the door flew open and there was their mother, clad in disgustingly expensive clothes, her phone in one hand and she looked them up and down. Behind her, their father loomed, and at their feet were two more suitcases.

“Regulus. Entre.” Regulus. In. Orion barked.

Sirius took a step forwards.

“Pas toi. Tu ne fais plus partie de cette famille. Tu prendras tes effets personnels. L’argent que tu m’as soutiré. Et tu ne remettras plus jamais les pieds sur ce seuil. Est-ce clair?” Not you. You are no longer a part of this family. You will take your belongings. The money you have weaselled out of me, and you will never darken this doorstep again. Do you understand?

Regulus’ jaw dropped and his head whipped back and forth between Sirius and their parents. Sirius’ face was hard as iron and he tipped up his chin, snatching both suitcases form the hallway and dragging them back down the steps. Surprisingly, he didn’t fight. He said nothing. Regulus was stunned and perhaps that’s what threw him even more than Sirius being kicked out in the first place, because they both knew that was coming, but for him to go quietly? Now that was as unpredictable as his nightmares.

“Papa.” Regulus tried, eyes flashing between them.

“Je ne veux rien entendre.” I will not hear it. Orion snapped. “Entre.” Get inside.

Regulus looked back at Sirius.

“I’ll be fine.” Sirius said reassuringly. Fight? Regulus frowned at him. Why aren’t you fighting? Have you given up on me? You always fight for me.

“Siri?” he asked, childlike.

This wasn’t happening yet, surely? He wasn’t ready to lose James and Sirius in one day. Surely it wasn’t all going to fall apart already? But then, of course it was, this is literally what he’d agreed to. He got to spend the summer in Muskoka and in return Sirius would leave with nothing but his inheritance, and Regulus would never contact him again. He’d signed the contract, made the deal. Why was he even the slightest bit surprised? He climbed the last step and brushed past his mother, getting one last clean look at Sirius before the door slammed behind him.

“Tu es gros.” You are fat. Walburga hissed, and swept away along the corridor towards the morning room.

Regulus swallowed, gaze fixed on the floor.

His father stepped into his space, hands clasped behind his back. “J’ose espérer que ton pitoyable excuse d’oncle ne tentera plus de me contacter.” I do hope your poor excuse for an uncle will not be attempting to contact me again.

“Non papa.”

“Parce que j’espérais que tu serais un homme de parole. Je ne t’avais pas pris pour un petit serpent qui court raconter ses vilains secrets au premier délinquant de la famille.” Because I had hoped you’d be a man of your word. I had not you pinned for a little snake who runs to tell the nearest family delinquent all your nasty little secrets.

“Je respecterai ma part de l’entente, papa.” I will hold my end of deal papa. He said obediently, dissociatively.

“Oui. Tu le feras.” Yes you will.

            Then, his father glided back towards his study and Regulus took his suitcase up to his bedroom. He couldn’t help but peek in Sirius’ room. As his eyes adjusted, his stomach lurched. The entire thing had been stripped of everything that resembled his brother and now lay an empty shell, already half painted purple, a colour his brother would loathe. They had erased him entirely. It was as if he had never existed.

Regulus practically sprinted for the safety of his bedroom. Closing the door quietly, but wishing passionately for the permission to slam it, he threw himself on his bed and stared up at the ceiling, not before reaching for the ugly childhood stuffie from under his pillow. An mangled troll-like thing Sirius had won at an arcade when they were kids. They’d collectively named him Kreacher, and he’d been Regulus’ comfort for many frightened evenings as he’d hidden from the shouting.

            He rolled onto his side and unlocked his phone. Another message from James.

Landed?

His fingers hovered nervously over the keys. Yes, home now. But Sirius was kicked out.

Fuck, he thought, should he have told him that?

WHAT? James’ reply was immediate. Then came another. Where is he now?

I don’t know. Regulus typed. He’s probably gone to our Uncle’s.

Fuck, Reggie.

Yeah. Fuck. Regulus thought, as he wondered what would stop him from texting Sirius? How would his parents even begin to police that? He changed the chat, and found his brother’s name.

Are you okay?  He pressed send.

No reply came from Sirius.

But James did. Baby are you okay? Shall I call?

Panicking, he replied quickly. I’m fine, don’t call. Maybe just don’t text me for a few days. I’m worried they’ll take my phone.

Groggily, he sat up and started to unpack his suitcase, sorting piles of laundry versus clothes that could be put away. His phone buzzed again.

Okay. I’m worried. I love you.

I love you too. He typed quickly.

Then with a heavy heart, and a considerable number of tears, he deleted all of the messages he and James had ever exchanged. They were state secrets, sworn under the safety of the Muskoka stars, in a sanctuary no longer surrounding them. Those texts were dangerous, Regulus knew that, but still he couldn’t help the tears that tracked his cheeks as he read and deleted everything.

********

            Barely an hour passed before his bedroom door was flung open, and his mother appeared like a banshee, her dark shape flooding the doorway, hands gripping the frame like a ghoulish creature from a scary story.  

“Phone.” She demanded, hand out. “Unlocked.”

Suddenly grateful for his quick thinking earlier, he handed it over and watched her go through it like an FBI agent, zooming in, scrolling, flicking. Thank God he’d hidden all his photos of James. Then she handed it back to him, eyes piercing and accusatory.

“Delete Sirius’ number. His social media. Everything. Block him.” she ordered.

Regulus stood up and took the phone. She stood over him like some ancient goddess and watched as he went through his contacts, deleted and blocked Sirius’ number, then his insta, his snapchat, everything that contained any remnants of his brother.

“Actually, I do not want you on any of these sites. Close your accounts. All of them.”

Regulus did as he was told.

“Your father insists you must live here for your final two college years. But I do not want you stinking up my house. So, when your father is abroad you must go to your dirty little student house. When he is home, you must be here. But when you are here, I do not want to see you. I do not want to hear you. I do not want to sense the slightest presence of you. Do you understand?”

“Oui Maman.” Regulus said in a hushed voice, pocketing his phone.

“Do not come down for dinner. You have eaten enough this summer.” And with that she slammed the door, locking it from the outside.

*******

Sirius

Sirius hailed a cab at the end of the street, hauling his three suitcases into the trunk and slamming it hard. It had started to rain as he slid into the backseat of the cab.

“Where to?” the cabby asked, glancing at him in the rearview. Sirius hesitated, he hadn’t really thought about it. He knew no one in the city, it wasn’t like he and Regulus had been allowed the privilege of having friends growing up. It seemed, he only had one option.

“Urm.” He said, scrolling through his phone and pulling up Uncle Alphard’s address and gave it over to the driver. Then, as the car pulled away, he sat back in the seat and watched as his childhood disappeared behind him. Which was weird. This was all he’d ever wanted, to escape that house, to never return. But in every one of those dreams and plans, he’d held Reggie’s hand firmly in his own as they’d made their way to freedom. And here he was, leaving him behind. What kind of brother does that? He just accepted it. He hadn’t even tried to fight them on it. Disgusted with himself, he pulled out his phone and called Remus.

“Moony its already happened.” He said, trying to keep it together, but failed to keep the bubbling anger from clawing its way up his throat. He punched the door of the cab hard. His knuckles began to throb immediately. The driver glanced up momentarily. Sirius smiled apologetically.

“What’s happened?” Remus’ calm, but edged voice always found a way to bring Sirius down from whatever ledge he’d found himself perched on.

“My fucking parents kicked me out.”

“Oh fuck.” Remus sighed. “Regulus?”

“Still there.” Sirius rubbed angrily at his eyes, avoiding the cabby’s gaze in the mirror.

“Where are you going now?” Remus said gravely. Sirius could hear him moving around, sucking in stiff breaths. He was uncomfortable. He always was after long drives.  

“To Uncle Alphard’s.” Sirius said hopelessly. “What else can I do? They’ve got him now. Completely isolated.”

“Can you text him?”

Sirius drew in a contemplative breath. “I don’t think he’ll reply to me. Not now they’ve got him scared.”

They continued to talk for the remainder of the drive, Sirius raged, Remus listened. Eventually, the car turned up a long gravel driveway.

Calmer now, Sirius sighed. “I’m here now Moons. But I’ll call you a bit later, okay? Love you.”

“Don’t do anything brash Pads. Please. Love you too.”

Sirius put the phone down, handed the driver cash and got out, retrieving his suitcases from the trunk and dragging them up to the fancy front door. This was a mansion. Truly. Alphard’s law firm had clearly tripled the inheritance he had received when he was excommunicated. He drew back the carved snake knocker three times, and waited. A butler opened the door with far too-calm an aura for Sirius to deal with right now.

“Can I help you?” the man said, looking him up and down. Sirius was still in his airport clothes, a Toronto Blues hoodie and sweats.

“Alphard Black is my uncle, I need to see him. Tell him it’s Sirius.”

The man studied him a moment longer and closed the door in his face, though, calmly. Sirius cursed and stepped back. Thankfully, less than a minute passed before the door opened again and his uncle stood frowning in the frame.

“What on earth are you…” then he trailed off and nodded knowingly. “You’ve been thrown out.”

“What gave it away?” Sirius grinned sarcastically and went to drag his suitcases inside.

“Leave those. Bertie will take them.” Alphard waved the butler forwards and slapped a hand across Regulus’ shoulders. “I feared this would happen.”

            Over dinner, they discussed where to go next.

“So the contract’s live,” Sirius snapped. “Officially.”

“Yes,” Alphard replied. “Your expulsion is a form of adherence to the terms.”

Sirius scoffed. “Of course it is.”

A chair scraped.

“Well,” a familiar voice said coolly, “that didn’t take long.”

Sirius’ head snapped up. “Andy?”

Andromeda Black stood at the end of the table, wine glass in hand. And, as he’d always remembered, she was dressed impeccably. Older but still unmistakably herself.

“Hello, cousin,” she said. “You look like hell.”

Sirius stared. “You live here?”

“Temporarily,” she said lightly. “Little family tradition forming I see. Get disowned, end up at Alphard’s.”

Sirius hummed morbidly. “So it would seem.”

They sat as the tension coiled around them.

“Right,” Sirius said, leaning forward. “Here’s what we do. We go straight to my father, and we tell him that we’re not playing nice. We threaten court. Media. We burn it all down.”

“No,” Alphard said, without hesitation.

Sirius glared. “Why not?”

“Because,” Alphard replied calmly, “that would be strategically unsound.”

“So basically,” Sirius snapped, “you’re scared.”

Andromeda raised an eyebrow. “Careful.”

“I’m not being careful,” Sirius shot back. “Careful obedient little soldier is what got Reggie stuck in a contract to sell his soul in the first place.”

“What will get Regulus free of such a deal,” Alphard said firmly, “is leverage applied correctly. Not emotional grandstanding.”

“Grandstanding?” Sirius laughed incredulously. “He kicked me out! He’s isolating Regulus! That’s coercion! He’s getting me out of the way because he knows I won’t stand for his bullshit!”

“It is not legally coercion,” Alphard replied. “Not yet. Under Canadian law, we need demonstrable duress at the point of signing, or subsequent unconscionable enforcement. Your father is being meticulous.”

“And so we should just let him?” Sirius demanded.

“We let him think he’s winning,” Alphard said. “There is a difference.”

Andromeda sipped her wine. “You go in all guns blazing, Sirius, and he’ll file for an injunction faster than you can say ‘family dispute.’ He’ll freeze Regulus’ accounts, tighten supervision, and bury us in motions.”

“So what,” Sirius snapped, “we sit around and quote Latin while my brother gets sold off?”

“No one is being sold,” Alphard said meditatively. “Not yet. And not if you stop overreacting.”

Sirius pushed back from the table and folded his arms sulkily, leg bouncing angrily under the table. “You sound just like him.”

Alphard’s expression hardened. “I sound like I’m doing my job boy, do not insult me.”

“And that’s the problem,” Sirius shot back. “This isn’t just paper. This is Reggie. This is my baby brother’s life we’re talking about!”

“And this,” Alphard replied, unyielding, “is exactly why you cannot be the one leading this.”

Sirius stewed.

Andromeda set her glass down. “He’s right, you know.”

Sirius rounded on her sarcastically. “Oh, you would say that.”

“I would,” she agreed calmly, a wry smile etched across her elegant features. “Because I tried your way. I burned bridges. I shouted. I walked out. And do you know what it got me?”

Sirius said nothing.

“Years,” she continued quietly, “of being written off as the problem. Years where no one listened to me because I’d made myself easy to dismiss.”

“Your father wants you volatile,” Alphard added. “He wants you to be predictable. He can use that against you.”

“What’s the alternative?” Sirius said bitterly, “I’m just meant to shut up?”

“No,” Alphard said. “You’re meant to survive.”

“And Reggie?” Sirius asked.

Alphard met his gaze. “We buy time. We collect evidence. We wait for him to make a mistake.”

Sirius laughed hollowly. “And if Reg breaks before that?”

Andromeda looked away.

Then Alphard spoke softly. “Then we move faster.”

Sirius dropped back into his chair, running a hand through his hair. “I hate this.”

“I know,” Alphard said. “But restraint is not weakness. In law, it’s positioning.”

Sirius looked down at the table, at the untouched food. “He’s alone. In the fucking snake pit.”

“No,” Andromeda corrected. “He has you. He just can’t say that out loud.”

“Fine,” he muttered. “But if they lay a hand on him.”

“We act,” Alphard said immediately. “Without hesitation.”

Sirius nodded once. “Good.”

He leaned back, anger still buzzing under his skin, but contained now, barely. “Because I swear,” he said grimly, “I will not let him take Regulus from me too.”

“Get some sleep, Sirius. We will talk more in the morning.” Alphard pushed back from the table and retired to some small, quaint room at the rear of the colossal house.

Andromeda smirked. “So how’s excommunication treating you?”

“Fuck off Andy.” Sirius laughed, reaching forwards for the glass on wine still on the table. “Where have you been for ten years anyway?”

“Oh, you know. Around.” She shrugged casually, swilling red wine around her glass. “Italy mainly.”

“Darling.” Sirius mocked in a poor imitation of his mother.

She scoffed. “Indeed.”

“Do you ever speak to your sisters?” Sirius asked cautiously.

“Ha! No. Not often anyway. Cissy sometimes, she’s happy. She’s had a baby. But not Bella. She’s mad as a box of frogs these days.” Andromeda sipped and stared at the fire burning in the hearth at the end of the dining room. It was remarkably cold in this house, despite the season.

Sirius snorted with a knowing nod, thinking back to weekends with his cousins as kids. “That tracks.”

Andromeda smiled thinly. “She always liked a cause. Pity she chose the wrong ones.”

Sirius tipped more wine into his glass without asking. “You look… good. Like you actually escaped.”

“I did escape,” Andromeda said. “That doesn’t mean all of it stops following you.”

“Tell me about it,” Sirius muttered with a huff. They drank in a companionable hush.

“So,” Andromeda said eventually, glancing sideways at him. “What about you? Besides getting ceremonially disowned at record speed.”

Sirius laughed. “I’m in my last year at college. Toronto.”

“Ah,” she said. “Still showing off, then.”

“I play football,” he said, grinning. “For the Blues.”

Her eyebrows lifted. “Really?”

“Yeah.”

“And you’re good,” she said, not asking.

Sirius shrugged. “Good enough.”

“And after?”

He hesitated fractionally. “I want to go pro.”

“Canada or the States?”

“States,” Sirius said. “NFL.”

Andromeda whistled softly. “Ambitious.”

“Someone has to be,” Sirius replied. “Regulus certainly isn’t allowed to be.”

Her mouth tightened. “No. They always did prefer their heirs compliant.”

Sirius drained his glass. “They try to kill that part of us.”

“They tried with me too,” Andromeda said. “Difference is, I let it make me reckless.”

“And I let it make me loud,” Sirius said he scoffed.

She clinked her glass against his. “To coping mechanisms.”

“To surviving,” Sirius corrected.

They drank again.

“You know,” Andromeda said after a while, “when they threw me out, I thought it would destroy me.”

“And?” Sirius asked.

“It didn’t,” she said. “It hurt. God, it hurt. But it also simplified things. No more pretending I was something that I really, really wasn’t. I don’t want a high profile husband to flaunt around art galleries and spend money. I want to actually do something meaningful.”

Sirius stared into his wine. “God, I don’t want that for Reg, I don’t want him to have to break to find freedom.”

“I know,” she said gently. “You want him safe and whole.”

“Yeah,” Sirius said. “And I don’t know how to do both.”

Andromeda leaned back, studying him. “You’re doing better than you think.”

“Andy.” He scoffed. “I just got kicked out.”

“And you didn’t fold,” she said. “That counts.”

He considered that. Then shook his head. “I hate that I left him there.”

“You didn’t leave him there.” Andromeda corrected. “He was kept.”

Sirius’ jaw clenched. “Same result.”

“Not to him,” she said quietly. They drank. The fire crackled.

“Do you ever miss them?” Sirius asked suddenly.

Andromeda raised an eyebrow. “No. I suppose,” she mused. “That I miss the idea of what they should have been.”

Sirius nodded slowly. “Yeah. That.”

She topped up their glasses again. “You’re angry,” she said. “That’s good. You need to use that anger, I had to learn to use the anger I felt when I wanted to storm home and burn the entire place to the ground. You’ve just got to try to not let it make you stupid.”

“Alphard said the same thing,” Sirius muttered.

“And he’s right,” she said. “Annoyingly.” A familiar roll of her eyes, apparently such an expression ran in the family.

Sirius smiled despite himself. “I like you better drunk.”

“Flattery,” she replied dryly. “You always were charming.”

“Genetic defect,” Sirius said.

They drank until the bottle was empty, then another appeared as if by magic.

At some point, Andromeda said, “You’ll get out too, you know.”

Sirius frowned. “I am out.”

“No,” she said. “I mean free.”

That, he didn’t answer.

“Because hope is contagious.”

Sirius snorted. “You should put that on a motivational poster.”

She grinned. “Don’t tempt me.” They sat there until the fire burned low and the wine dulled the edges. “You’ll be alright Sirius.”

“Maybe we both will.”

*******

“Good news.” Alphard announced, whilst pouring a pot of tea as Sirius entered the morning room.

“What’s that?” Sirius asked through a yawn, scrubbing at his eyes.

“Your inheritance has been released. I suppose we can agree that your father is a man of his word.”

Sirius turned his nose up at that. “Coward more like.” He flung himself down in a chair and began loading his plate.

“What will you do now?” Alphard asked, settling back in his chair, his tea steaming in his hands.

Sirius tucked into eggs, bacon and sausages. “Fly down to Toronto today, I think. Then, like you said. We wait.”

“There is nought to do but wait. I will attempt to get in contact with Regulus. Have you contacted him?”

He shook his head. “I tried to reply to him last night, but it bounced. I imagine darling mother and good old pops have made him block me.”

“I will try to make contact.” His uncle confirmed.

******

            Only a couple of hours later Sirius was on a plane heading back to Toronto with excess baggage fees far greater than he cared to admit containing his entire childhood, ready to dump in his and Remus’ small college bedroom. Fucking brilliant. Perhaps if he asked the Potters nicely, they might let him store some stuff in their city house for the year, until he got himself drafted and had enough money to buy him and Moony their house.

Once he cleared the terminal, he dragged his life out to the parking lot where he found his boyfriend and his best friend, waiting for him with extremely concerned expressions. Sirius kicked the one suitcase with the broken wheel harshly to the ground, and pulled Remus into a tight hug, exhaling for the first time in two days.

James’ hand found his shoulder. “Sorry man.” He seemed tense. Sirius wanted to tell him not to worry, everything was fine, but he could barely convince himself of that lie, let alone anyone around him.

“Let’s just go.” Sirius shrugged, heaving the suitcase into the bed of James’ truck.

            They climbed into the front and Sirius switched on the radio to mask the silence. James pulled out of the airport and drove towards the city.

“So, Reg is still in Montreal?” Remus clarified.

Sirius stared out the windscreen at the road absently. “Yup.” He said, foot tapping nervously.

“Have you heard from him?” Remus asked, placing a hand on Sirius’ knee, stopping the bouncing.

“Nope. He’s blocked me.”

“Blocked you?” James frowned, looking across at him briefly.

“It’ll be my parents. They will have forced him to.”

“Fuck.” Remus sighed. The car quietened for a moment.

“Wait.” Sirius said, ingeniously. “Prongs, can I text Reggie from your phone? They won’t have blocked you cus you guys barely even talk!” he grinned, holding out his hand.

“What? Why my phone?” James’ response was unexpected, prickly.

Sirius frowned, confused and hurt. Did he not get the gravity of this situation? “Geez. Fine. I won’t contact my brother who is alone in a fucking abusive house.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean…” James started, but Moony cut him off.

“Sirius use mine. You parents have no idea who I am.”

Sirius shot James a hard look and took Remus’ phone gratefully. He typed out a message three or four times before he found the right words, or had the guts to press send. When he did, he locked it quickly and handed it back to his boyfriend, for fear it might catch fire, or worse.

Reggie, its Pads. This is Moony’s phone. I’m in Toronto. You alright?  He figured he shouldn’t use his name, just in case their parents caught wind of the text. Though, it was still pretty decipherable. Who else would be texting Regulus something like that anyway?

“Do you, think he’s safe there?” James asked, fingers drumming against the steering wheel.

“No James of course he’s not fucking safe. He’s alone in a house with our abusive parents. What do you think?” Sirius snapped.

“Padfoot.” Remus warned, shooting him that familiar glance that said shut the fuck up. Why? Sirius thought arrogantly, its not like James and Reggie are even close anyway. After all. It was his brother they were talking about, not James’.  Sirius put his foot up on the dash and folded his arms.

“Whole thing is a fucking mess.” He grumbled.

They drove the rest of the way in stagnant silence.

Regulus

The next two weeks dragged. He was almost left to his own devices. The quiet engulfed him. James didn’t text, and even though that was what Regulus had asked for, he still felt the loss of him like some colossal gaping wound. School wasn’t due to start for another few days, so he’d been cooped up in that lofty old house, hiding from the vipers and playing an elaborate game of cat and mouse. A couple of days after Sirius left, he’d received a text from him through Remus, but he hadn’t replied. It felt too risky, particularly when he was at home. Perhaps once he was back at college, everything would settle. Maybe he’d be able to breathe. Maybe he’d have the courage to speak to James.

He ate sporadically, picked at family meals, took things from the kitchen that he knew wouldn’t be noticed. His stomach growled. He’d gotten too used to eating freely. To eating well. It rumbled again, complaining loudly. The sound echoed off the bookshelves of the Black library, which was situated at the back of the house, overlooking the rose garden. He turned a page in a book he’d read a hundred times since he was a child, it was a source of comfort when his anxiety felt uncontrollable. Curled in one of the armchairs, he felt almost okay, but not quite. Something lurked. Between the shadows of the bookcases, watching him.

However, in disturbance of the quiet and as if by some dreaded curse, the library door flew open and his mother came raging through it, towards him. Regulus scrambled to his feet, eyes widening at the sight in her arms.

“What is this?!” she screeched at him in French, spit flying from her mouth.

Hanging limply from her hand was James’ Blues jersey. The letters which formed Potter, 21 just visible between the folds of blue. Regulus’ mouth opened and closed and his eyes flickered from his mother to the jersey. It had been in his bed, under the duvet. Which meant she’d been in his room, snooping, looking for something to catch him out on.

“What is this!?” she yelled again, grabbing him by the wrist.

Regulus flinched and stammered. “It’s… it’s nothing! Just some old jersey!”

“Does it belong to a boy?” she hissed, eyes furiously searching him.

“No-” he began, but words evaded him and his eyes betrayed him, looking longingly down at James’ jersey that still smelled like him. “Please, he-” he started, but she cut him off, making him flinch.

Walburga roared. “You little slut!” Then she screamed viscerally before continuing to shout at him. “That was why you were so desperate to go to Ontario wasn’t it?! WASN’T IT?!”

“Maman, please!” he struggled, trying to pull his wrist away from her.

But she held on tightly and dragged him from the library, his childhood comfort story open in a crumpled pile on the floor. “After everything we have done for you! All that has been arranged for you! You turn out to be no better than your disgrace of a brother!”

“It’s not like that!” he tried, resisting her as best he could, but he was weak, he hadn’t eaten properly for weeks, let alone been outside.

His mother stopped abruptly and turned on him, eyes piercing. “Oh, so you aren’t whoring yourself out to your seedy brother’s arrogant delinquent friend?” a terrifying pause. “That is who it is, is it not?”

Regulus looked up at her, and opened his mouth to speak, but embarrassment took his voice and he looked down at his feet.

With a crack, she slapped him hard across the face, a blooming red mark left in her wake. Regulus tried his best not to make a sound.

“You disgust me.” And then she turned and hauled him through the house, towards the drawing room. Towards the fireplace.

Regulus’ heart plummeted as he realised what was about to happen.

“No! Please! Maman please! Don’t! Please!” he begged furiously, yanking backwards, pulling her away from the burning hearth and grabbing for the jersey pathetically.

“You have had far too much freedom in this house!” she shouted, holding it out of his reach and shoving him roughly to the floor.

He sprawled, scrambling quickly to his knees.

Then she balled up the jersey.

“No no no no!” Regulus begged, tears streaming down his face as he watched his mother launch James’ jersey into the flames, a bright gust of orange surging up into the chimney.

Mouth gaping, he watched as the letters began to burn, the fabric curling and melting to ash. Folding over himself, the sobs took him, elbows cinching his stomach in, head in his hands, hiding his face. He couldn’t face the burning fabric.

Couldn’t face the loss.

Guilt drowned him.

Shame scorched him.

And Regulus broke.

Walburga stood stoically behind him as it burned. Then, after an eternity, when the ashes collected at the bottom of the great fireplace and the sobs which wracked her son had softened to short sucks of breath, she spoke firmly.

“This ends. You will never speak to this boy again, do you understand?”

“Yes Maman.” Regulus said hoarsely, eyes now fixed on the remnants of the jersey, tears drying on his cheeks.

Then he was alone. And it was gone. His last piece of James. The one thing that allowed him to sleep, the one thing that curbed the fear. The one thing that smelled like a home he’d made, away from the one he’d been cursed with. His safety net, up in flames. Gone. His soul cracked and dissipated as he assumed his mask, and let his dissociative mind protect him once again. Just like it had always had to. Regulus didn’t know how long it had been before his father appeared in the doorway of the drawing room.

Orion prodded him bluntly in the back with his cane. “My office. Now.”

Regulus stood stiffly and followed him, fingernails digging into his palms, cheek red and streaked with salt lines.

Orion sat down at his desk, but Regulus stayed stood before him, hands clasped behind his back, head downcast. Waiting.

“So this boy plays for Toronto.” Orion said in French, as if discussing the morning’s newspaper.

“Yes papa.” Regulus didn’t dare lift his eyes.

“He is good, non?”

“The best.” Regulus admitted guardedly. 

“I can imagine he wishes to play in the NFL?” Orion was writing something down, Regulus could hear the scratch of the pen.

“Yes, papa.”

His father hummed pensively and paused. He exhaled chauvinistically. “It would be a terrible shame for his season to end prematurely.”

Regulus’ head snapped up and his father smirked. A weak spot. The room was eerily quiet. Regulus could hear his heartbeat in his ears. This had to be a dream.

Orion carried on, nonchalantly. “Perhaps, he compulsively takes performance enhancing drugs?”

“He does not.” Regulus bit into the silence, feeling uncharacteristically protective. “Besides. Nobody would believe you.” He snapped, a tiny bit of courage backing him.

“Boy I care to differ.” Orion growled. “The media can’t wait to get their dirty hands on a rumour. As for the NFL, they have every right to investigate such allegations, and no team will sign a kid with that sort of baggage. Regardless of truth or fabrication.”

With that, Regulus’ world imploded.

“Please papa. I am literally begging you. Don’t. He has nothing to do with this!”

Orion slammed his fist down on the desk and Regulus jumped. Immediately, he tipped his head down, but not before a tear squeezed loose, dropping off his cheek and hitting the floorboards between his feet. He ploughed his nails into his palms as he tried to keep the panic at bay.

His father was shouting now. “I do not like my sons whoring themselves out to anybody who’ll have them! Especially not to men. It is disgraceful. Dishonourable. I will not allow it!”

Regulus nodded obediently, eyes squeezed shut.

“You disgust me.” His father said under his breath, hatefully.

“I’m sorry papa.” He said shamefully. Then bravely, he added. “Please don’t ruin his career. I’ll cut him off. I swear. I will never see him again.”

“That is the least you will do.”

Regulus nodded, shifting his weight between his feet and chose silence.

Orion stood.

“I have booked our flights. We leave in the morning.”

“Leave?” Regulus paled, stomach dropping.

“For France. Due to your digression, I have brought it forwards.” His father began sorting papers, and shooed him. “Get out of my sight.”

France.

Tomorrow.

This was it. His father shooed him again because he was rooted to the spot in disbelief. Snapping himself out of his shock, Regulus bowed woodenly, and backed out of the office.

He barely made it to his bedroom door, before the panic took him.

It was meant to be January? He was meant to have time, with his friends, at college, with James. All of that had been snatched away from him in an instant, all because he’d been stupid enough to keep the damn jersey in his bed, because he’d been weak enough to need to be able to smell Him at night, to curb the nightmares, to rest. All of it up in flames. He was leaving for France tomorrow, and perhaps he’d never return to Montreal?

Fuck. Regulus paced, shaking his hands as he struggled to breathe. His stomach knotted, and his throat tried to close over. The air simply wouldn’t reach his lungs.

God, he needed James’ voice. He needed to hear him bring him down, comfort him, tell him he loved him. James was one call away. He’d answer, Regulus knew that. In an instant, James would answer, in less than that he’d book a flight to come and get him. But the threat had escalated, it was no longer a matter of his own freedom, his own future, but now it concerned the man he loved. And he’d be damned before he ruined James’ life too.

So, Regulus didn’t call.

Chapter Text

Chapter Thirty

Regulus – September to October

The car from the airport slipped through the evening traffic with quiet efficiency, the city of Lyon glowing gold under soft streetlamps. Regulus watched it through the window, but he couldn’t take it in properly, everything felt as if he were seeing it through a film, as if he were underwater.  The flight had felt numb, and endless but thankfully they’d travelled in first and he’d barely had to speak to his father. Instead he had drowned himself in a book and tried to pretend he was in Muskoka, sat on the sofas by those beautiful bifold windows, overlooking the sparkle of the lake in the morning. But then the seatbelt sign would ping, and the plane would rush back to him and he would realise over and over again, that that glorious life, however short it was, was over. He looked back out of the window of the car, rain droplets speckling the glass. Old stone buildings slid past. Cafés. Bridges over the dark ribbon of the Rhône. Lyon could have been beautiful under different circumstances. But tonight, it was acidic and Regulus had resolved to hate it. A place without James was no place to call home.

In the car, his father sat beside him, reading something on his phone. Neither of them spoke. The car slowed at the lights, glaring in the rain, then pulled away when they changed. Drifted easily around corners. Ticked slowly as it indicated across the lanes. Continued through the evening, in a city whose walls closed in like a prison, a sentence far from the only person Regulus had ever called home.

La Résidence Hotel was exactly what Regulus had expected. Discreet luxury accented by marble floors polished to a mirror shine, soft lighting which was clearly trying too hard to be chic and accompanied by staff who moved like they had been trained never to intrude. He followed his father diligently. Their bags had been taken from the car by a polite, kind faced man in a pristine burgundy uniform. Regulus offered a tight smile and a short merci. Orion handled the check in with brisk efficiency, handled by the general manager of course, with whom he was on a first name basis. Apparently, this was where his father always stayed when business brought him to France. The manager explained that they would have two suites on the same floor. The manager greeted Regulus politely, but the glance lingered a moment too long as if making a clean assessment. Orion noticed, of course.

“Voici mon fils.” This is my son, he said as if the fact was obvious “Regulus.”

“Ravi de vous rencontrer, Monsieur Black. “A pleasure to meet you Mr Black. The manager smiled courteously.

“De même.” And you. Regulus said, his Quebecois accent very obvious he feared. The accent here was flatter, more refined perhaps? Palms suddenly sweaty, he was suddenly worried that this could be even worse than he’d thought, if that was even possible. The manager rounded the desk and encouraged them to follow her towards the rooms.

The elevator ride was silent.

At the door to Regulus’ room, Orion paused only briefly.

“Dîner à huit heures.” Dinner at eight, he said. “Nous commençons demain.” We begin tomorrow.

“Oui Papa.” Regulus stood there for several seconds after the door had closed, still holding the handle, other hand clutching his suitcase. Then, he turned and took in the room, his home, for God knows how long. The suite was immaculate. Wide windows overlooking the river. A carefully arranged sitting area. Crisp white sheets on a perfectly curated bed with decorative purple pillows, each with a little dent in the centre, creating two ear like halves. He set his suitcase down beside the wardrobe and for a moment, he simply stood in the middle taking it all in. He felt utterly lost and dreadfully alone.

With the remnants of courage left in his body he sat on the edge of the bed and let out a long, slow breath that he’d been holding since the flight. His shoulders sagged and allowed the silence to seep into the space. And with that silence, inevitably, came James.

Regulus pressed his hands together loosely between his knees, staring down at the carpet and thought about his boyfriend, thousands of miles away, probably half out of his mind with worry because James had no idea where he was. Regulus hadn’t told him, there wasn’t a chance in hell he’d confess what was going on. He hadn’t even told Uncle Alphard that he was in fact going to France early, because that would involve telling him about his father’s promise on ruining James’ career, and why such a threat had come about. Which was something he would never allow to happen. And telling Alphard might inevitably result in telling Sirius and fucking hell that was the last thing Regulus needed right now. So, he’d said nothing to anyone, and here he now was on the other side of the globe, alone in a hotel room indefinitely.

Then he stood and wandered to the window. Lyon continued below him. unaware of his torment. He closed his eyes, but he could still hear Orion’s voice from the night before. Perhaps he takes performance drugs. Regulus stood and walked to the window anxiously. James didn’t take performance drugs. Anyone who knew him would know that instantly. But that didn’t matter because the allegations alone could ruin him. The sponsors would panic, consequently the teams would distance themselves and the headlines would spread faster than truth ever could. Orion had known exactly what he was doing, he’d known where to stick the knife and just how much to twist to bend Regulus to his will.

“Fuck.” Regulus whispered, leaning his forehead against the window, looking down at little umbrellas bobbing down the street, the mosaic of rain droplets speckling the river. He wished he’d hidden that fucking jersey properly. Or left it at the lake. Or anywhere else. Literally anywhere else but in his bed where his mother would inevitably go snooping because that is where he’d always hidden things from her ever since he was a child. How could he have been so fucking stupid? And now James’ jersey was gone. And Regulus was in France. And nobody knew.

Regulus had understood the message his father had given him perfectly. The message that said, obey me or James pays for it. Regulus exhaled heavily and closed his eyes, the cold glass of the window chilling his forehead, barely keeping him grounded and his nails dug into his palms. This was the deal, why was he surprised, this was what he’d agreed to, and things were worse now, because now he wasn’t just here to protect Sirius, but now he had to protect James too. He had to be obedient and play the part, and hope that eventually, one day, Uncle Alphard could find some clause or damn loophole to maybe get them all out.

Outside, the river moved steadily through the city, indifferent to the quiet war unfolding inside a hotel room above it. Regulus went back over to the bed and sat very still and tried to make his breathing even again. Then his phone buzzed and his heart lurched.

Please tell me you’re okay. It’s been days.

James. James. James. James.

His fingers trembled as he unlocked his phone and read the message, heard his voice, and the longing in his chest fought for freedom. The need he felt for him was overwhelming, all-consuming and he was almost completely weak to it. To him.

What was he supposed to say? I’m fine. A lie. Please come and get me. The truth. Something in between?

I’m sorry. I’m okay. I love you.

Risky. But true. He couldn’t have sent less, it would have hurt too much. He was desperate to send more.

James’ reply was instant. Can I call you?

His heart ached and his eyes flickered to the door. Had his father bugged his room? He wouldn’t put it past him. Perhaps he takes performance drugs? His career will be over before its begun.

I can’t Jamie.

Another quick reply. Tomorrow?

Regulus held a breath, vision blurring. Maybe. He typed back even though he knew it was a lie.

I love you so much. Please be safe. Call me soon.

Regulus didn’t reply because he simply didn’t have the strength to lie to him a second time. No, he wasn’t safe. No, he couldn’t call.

            It was a long time before he managed to find sleep.

********

The company headquarters rose before them in ancient pillars of stone and glass, ominous and looming. Regulus followed his father through the revolving doors into a lobby that resembled that of museum rather than a workplace. Marble floors threw the sound of expensive shoes against the marble walls, bounced from pillar to pillar, reverberated across the enormous portraits suspended on the walls. From above, light spilled down from a ceiling several stories up and a spiral staircase hugged the wall as it curled snakelike, into the unknown. Everything gleamed quietly. Wealth surrounded him with thick arrogance. Regulus stayed close to his father as he watched people flatten themselves to walls as Orion approached. Nodding to him, greeting him. Here, his father was God, and that terrified him. Assistants moved through the space with discreet efficiency, voices low, footsteps soft but their conversations stopped for a fraction of a second as Orion passed.

“This is the European branch,” he said performatively, in English, as they crossed the lobby. Regulus assumed it was to show off his multilingualism.  “Operations here support several international divisions.”

Regulus nodded politely, but the death grip of the strap of his satchel told a very different story. All he could think about was the text he’d received from James last night.

An assistant fell into step beside them. “Bonjour Monsieur Black.”

“Oui. Bonjour, Juliette.” He sound irritated by her mere presence

Her eyes flicked briefly to Regulus.

“Voici mon fils.” This is my son, Orion said. “Regulus.”

Juliette smiled warmly. “Bienvenue. Nous sommes très heureux de vous avoir parmi nous.” Welcome. We’re very pleased to have you with us. Although her tone was polite Regulus could sense that there was something else behind it, formality masked so poorly as if she had already heard all she needed to about him.

The elevator ride up was quiet. When the doors opened, the atmosphere noticeably changed. Conversations paused just long enough to acknowledge Orion’s presence and people scurried back to their desks, eyes downcast after offering polite greetings to Regulus’ father and throwing looks of assessment in his own direction. People knew who he was or rather, whose son he was, and he hated it, the association, the expectation that they were alike in any way shape or form. Orion guided him down a corridor and opened a door. Inside was a small but immaculate office. A desk. A computer. Shelves already arranged with files.

“This will be yours,” Orion said.

Regulus stepped inside slowly.

“You’ll rotate through departments,” Orion continued. “Finance first. Then legal. Then corporate strategy.”

Regulus turned back towards him.

“It’s meant to give you a comprehensive understanding of the structure.”

Regulus nodded. “Of course.”

Orion studied him for a moment. “Exposure to leadership decisions will be valuable.”

Something cold slid through Regulus’ stomach.

Orion gestured lightly toward the office.

“You’ll need to understand these systems eventually.”

Eventually. The word lingered. Regulus suddenly saw the picture his father saw; not a student visiting for experience but a successor or some future executive. Regardless, as someone whose name would eventually sit at the top of these structures. His life, mapped out in quiet marble hallways and careful conversations. The realisation settled heavily that perhaps this would come with meetings and functions, and the Dubois girl, and soon, France would never ever go away. Regulus knew for certain that this wasn’t temporary but merely the beginning, and if he refused? Sirius would suffer. James would suffer.

Regulus forced his expression to remain calm. “Definitely,” he said quietly. “Papa. When will my studies begin?”

“Studies?”

“At the University?”

His father shook his head with a frown. “You will have no time for studies.”

Regulus paled. “But my degree? McGill will request credits from my time here?”

His father laughed cruelly. “Why on earth would a university you do not attend require credits from you?”

“What?” he breathed, heart thundering.

“Oh.” Orion said as casually as if he’d forgotten to turn off a light. “That must have slipped my mind. You no longer attend McGill. I withdrew your place. You priorities are here now.”

Regulus didn’t know what to say.

Orion nodded once, satisfied. “Good. Your first meeting begins in twenty minutes.” The door closed behind him.

Regulus stood alone in the office, staring at the desk that was already waiting for him. The only thing he had that was his was school, a constant, something he enjoyed. Something he thought his parents wanted him to complete? He was completely confused, and unexplainably angry that yet again he hadn’t been asked, yet again his life was being dictated by his parents, and he had no say in any of it. All the work he’d done over the last two years for what? To be known as a drop out? What would his friends think? What was he supposed to tell them? How would they react when he didn’t turn up next week? Or ever again for that matter.

*******

Regulus quickly came to the conclusion that meetings were boring, and he hated the corporate lifestyle. He was a week in and he wanted to throw himself into the Rhône. Not to mention the way everyone tiptoed around him, as if he were some mini version of his father. Part of him wanted to reassure them that they were nothing alike, but then again, he knew none of them properly, didn’t know who to trust, if any of them and if them being afraid of him gave him the upper hand, he’d be stupid to cast it aside.

In the first few days, however, he had obeyed everything fearfully. Had spoken only when spoken to directly and never dared to offer anything remotely resembling an opinion. He felt suddenly self-conscious of his Quebecois accent and struggled to understand some of the thicker French accents, particularly those of whom seemed to purposefully speak faster, or more slurred just to fluster him. Yet those interactions could have been in his head, wound up by his anxiety, maybe those people just had poor diction.

As time went on, he soon figured out that he could say anything he wanted, ask people to do anything for him, and they did, and no complaints came, and his father seemed to become increasingly pleased with him. He was, presumably, invincible here, in his father’s world. And Orion backed off, seeing him as competent, as completely under his thumb. This was what his parents had always wanted of him, but little did they know the hatred he still felt towards them, the building rage inside him, bubbling closer and closer towards the surface.

Sat in his office, on his phone and frankly, not caring who saw him because it seemed he could act like a god, just as his father did and get away with anything. Orion had made him untouchable, which Regulus smugly thought, had not been his intention.

He scrolled through news articles on the Blues, reddit threads and videos about their recent games. They won most of them, only losing a couple so far, yet Sirius was getting regularly benched, particularly after the game where he punched the McMaster defensive linesman. He was angry, that much was obvious, and Regulus didn’t need to take bets to know that it was probably down to him, and his silence, well to his parents. Sirius was explosive, he always had been and his sense of justice had only intensified over the years. It seemed that now, not even football was a strong enough outlet for his fury.

As for James, he was glorious. Regulus watched reruns of his plays, his touchdowns, his smile as his team took home win after win. He looked happy, and Regulus would do anything to make sure that never changed.

James texted. A lot. Regulus never replied. Then James started leaving voicemails that Regulus couldn’t always listen to, particularly on the nights were his mind betrayed him and his anxiety won. On those evenings his resolve was weak, and he worried that if he listened to James’ voice, he wouldn’t have the restraint not to call him back and beg him to come and take him home.

So, of an evening, James would call and Regulus would watch it ring, watch the photograph of his handsome face smile up at him, ring out and give up. Then a couple of minutes later, the notification would ping informing him that he had a voicemail, and Regulus would put his phone in his bedside drawer and will himself to think of anything else. But occasionally, he’d allow himself to listen. Last night had been one of those evenings, and as he sat at his desk, waiting for yet another stupid meeting, he played it again, placing his phone to his ear and closing his eyes as James’ voice warmed him.

“It’s me. Again. Come on baby pick up. Please pick up. You’re scaring me. Just tell me what’s going on, I can help, just tell me what to do. Please. I need to hear your voice, Regulus. I’m going crazy with this radio silence. Please. I love you.”

A pause, James’ deep intake of breath.  

“I’ll call tomorrow.”

Then the line went dead with three invasive beeps.

Regulus exhaled and rubbed the tears from his eyes.

“Love you too Jamie.” He whispered, and deleted the message.

********

Oi! Pandora texted the group chat. Where were you today Reggie? Classes start tomorrow?

Oh shit. His friends didn’t know where he was because he still hadn’t found the guts to tell them. More to the point what the hell was he even supposed to say? Oh, my father has manipulated and blackmailed me into moving to France, so I guess bye forever?! No. He couldn’t tell them the truth, not unless he wanted the four of them to commandeer a plane like fucking pirates and somehow make it across the ocean to come and find him, because, let’s be honest, they would. And it would be Barty’s idea. Bloody nutjobs.

I’ve taken an internship in France. He typed, and hated every word. It sounded so false and so horribly insincere. He hated lying to them like this, but even that didn’t stop him from pressing send. It seemed he hated the thought of them knowing even more.

Barty: WHAT?!!!??

Dora: Wait a hot minute. Say that again? You are WHERE?

Regulus rolled over in bed, stomach churning nervously. France. He typed. It is a good opportunity for me.

Barty: Suuure. And us? You just never thought to mention it?

Cas: Are you having fun?

Regulus locked his phone and tried to hold back the tears.

No. its awful. I want to go home. I want to talk to James.

He took a deep breath and unlocked his phone. Yeah its alright.

Barty: Well that’s a big fat lie.

Unconvincingly, he wrote, No it’s good, it is. I’m just tired. Long day.

Cas: When are you coming back?

Then, honestly, he typed back. I’m not sure.

*******

James – September to October

To say that James was freaking out was an understatement. Yes, the season was in full swing, they’d played four games already, of which they’d won three thank God, but it hadn’t been easy. His head was scrambled, he could barely keep Regulus out of his thoughts long enough to call a play, let alone execute it. But he’d tried to keep in the forefront of his mind what his father had told him in the summer. Compartmentalise. He had to focus on football. On winning the season. On getting drafted. Yet this little niggling relentless voice in the back of his head told him that something was very wrong, and that the man he loved was not okay.

            He’d noticed that Regulus’ socials had vanished, he wasn’t answering his texts and whenever James called him, it went straight to voicemail. James always left a message though, wherein he told him he loved him, filled him in on his day and begged him to call back. He hoped it would help. That was, if Regulus was even listening to them. He felt completely helpless, because what could he do? He had nothing to offer and no way to help, no way to even find out if he was even okay. Right now, he was so close to buying a plane ticket and flying up to Montreal himself, storming to the house and demanding to see Regulus. However, he knew that that was a dreadful idea.

“POTTER!” Coach yelled. Moody. He was fuming this week, James’ head wasn’t engaged, even less than usual and he was beginning to miss things, drop passes, confuse his plays. This wasn’t the year to do this. He knew that, but his mind was so bloody preoccupied.

“Sorry coach.” James grimaced, jogging over to retrieve the ball and reset the snap he’d just fumbled.

Moody clicked his fingers in James’ face. “Wake up kid! You’ve got a game tomorrow and right now, you’re off dancing in dreamland! Don’t make me bench you!”

“Yes coach.” He said with a nod, eyes fixed ahead, waiting for the snap.

*******

The stadium was a roaring bowl of noise. There was nothing better than playing at home. A sea of blue swept across the stands and the cheers were deafening. The cheerleaders danced effortlessly on the field as they completed their opening set. James, and the team he wanted to lead to the playoffs, lingered in the tunnel, waiting to be hollered out onto the turf. He clipped his helmet up and looked to his right. Sirius was practically vibrating beside him, bouncing on the balls of his feet and shaking his hands vigorously. James should probably be psyching himself up too, but he’d left another voicemail for Regulus last night, and sent another text, but both had been ignored. Or perhaps, and he didn’t know whether this would be better or worse, perhaps Regulus couldn’t reply, couldn’t pick up. Perhaps someone was stopping him, which was possibly far more terrifying than the thought that maybe he just didn’t want to talk to him. But then, the boys were moving and James was swept out onto the field and into the relentless cheers of Blues fans, counting on him to bring them a win.

Midway through the second quarter the air above the field shimmered as the floodlights began drowning out the dark. The smell of sweat and leather began to overpower the metallic smell of turf. Toronto’s offense broke the huddle and jogged to the line, blue jerseys scattering into their positions. James clapped his hands once decisively settling under centre, eyes fixed ahead.

“Trips right,” he called, voice steady over the thunder of the crowd. “On two.”

His mind felt miraculously clear, the play laid out neatly in his head. The ball snapped into his hands with a satisfying thud. He dropped back three steps, quick and light, eyes scanning the field. Ottawa’s secondary shifted, a linebacker creeping toward the gap. James didn’t hesitate. He flicked the ball out toward Fenwick who was cutting across the middle from behind him. The pass cut the air like a knife and Fenwick caught it, then turned up field.

First down and they’d gained fifteen.

The Toronto sideline erupted in cheers. James jogged forward, grinning as the play reset. The rhythm was there tonight. The rhythm he chased every time he stepped onto the field. The plays unfolding lie clockwork, like they’d practiced, like he’d envisioned. Football could be simple when his head cooperated. Next snap. He feigned right, faked a throw to Sirius who was streaking down the sideline, then dumped a tidy pass to Prewett in the flat. Another chunk of yards. Ottawa’s defence was starting to bite, just like Moody wanted. James could hear his coach somewhere on the sideline barking his enthusiastic approval as they gained another five yards. James liked this version of the game. When the ball left his hand exactly how he imagined it. By the end of the second quarter, Toronto led 16–10.

Third quarter. Second and six.

James settled again behind the line. Benjy glanced back at him from the outside, visor glinting beneath the lights. A quick nod passed between them. Snap. James dropped back. The pocket held beautifully. A perfect curved wall of blue jerseys. He stepped up, scanning. Sirius broke inside on a sharp post, Fenwick dragging a defender with him. Prewett slipped past a linebacker. He had clean lines. Clean options. James drew his arm back and then, like an unwelcome ghost slipping through a locked door, his mind betrayed him.

What if Regulus wasn’t okay?

He was suddenly plagued by each unanswered call and the dawning realisation that maybe he didn’t even have his phone on him anymore…? Which would explain the constant, hollow ring of Regulus’ voicemail. Then, a memory the day before they left for summer, Regulus had told him not to be a hero, if anything happened. In that moment, James just knew in the pit of his stomach that something was terribly, terribly wrong.

The pocket collapsed and James realised too late that he’d hesitated.

An Ottawa linebacker exploded through the gap like a missile. By the time James tucked the ball to run, it was already over. The hit came hard and sudden in the shape of a helmet to his shoulder and arms wrapping tight around his middle. The ground slammed into him and his chest evicted all breath. The ball popped loose for a split second before James scrambled to clutch it back against his chest, curling instinctively as bodies piled on top him.

A whistle shrieked through the chaos. James rolled, and lay on the turf staring up at the blinding stadium lights, chest heaving uselessly. His lungs refused to cooperate, dragging in shallow, ragged breaths that felt like he was trying to inhale deeply through a straw. For a terrifying moment he thought he might actually suffocate but then the air came back in a harsh rush and he rolled onto his side, coughing, pushing himself to his knees as a Sirius squared up to the guy who’d sacked him.

“You good?” Fenwick asked, leaning down, hands braced on his knees.

James nodded automatically, and chucked a thumb up sarcastically, though his ribs protested. “Yeah,” he rasped. He stood, brushing turf pellets from his jersey as the crowd buzzed with nervous energy. On the sideline Moody was already shouting, arms windmilling. James jogged back to the huddle. Focus. He thought. Compartmentalise. The words echoed faintly in his head but something in the rhythm had cracked.

The remainder of the game was an utter shit show. After a humiliating walk of shame into the tunnel, the team gathered unwillingly, pulling off jersey and kicking off shoes. The locker room smelled like sweat and that musty scent attributed only to sports equipment.

Coach Moody’s voice ricocheted off the tile walls as he stormed into the room. “You lost your bloody heads out there!”

No one dared answer. Helmets lay abandoned on benches and the floor, pads half-unclipped. Steam rose faintly from exhausted bodies. The scoreboard still glared in everyone’s minds. Ottawa 23. Toronto 16. Moody paced like a hurricane.

“We had them!” he barked. “Sixteen–ten at halftime and then what happens? You forget how to play the damn game!”

James sat on his bench with his elbows on his knees, head bowed. Sweat dripped steadily from his hair onto the concrete floor. His chest was still heaving, he could still feel the echo of that sack in his ribs. Around him the team sat in varying degrees of quiet misery. Prewett leaned forward a few lockers down, shoulder pads hanging loose as he stared at the floor. Fenwick sat beside him, helmet balanced in his hands, turning it slowly. Lockhart, their kicker who was a rookie this year, and Wilkes a defensive linesman, stood attentively by the door to the showers, watching their coach. Others sat despondently. But not Sirius. Sirius was a storm all by himself. He yanked his gloves off and hurled them into his locker.

“Unbelievable,” Sirius muttered, pacing the narrow strip of floor like a caged animal. His dark hair was plastered to his forehead, eyes blazing.

“Don’t start,” Fenwick murmured tiredly.

“I’m not starting anything,” Sirius snapped. “We were carving them up and then suddenly we forgot how to move the bloody ball.”

James didn’t lift his head.

Moody pointed sharply toward the lockers. “You lost discipline,” the coach continued. “Missed reads. Dropped coverage. Sloppy routes. And our offense stalled completely in the second half. And then, you turn into thugs. Brainless thugs. You can’t fight the other team because they sack our quarterback! Who wasn’t even paying attention in the first place!”

James swallowed.

Sirius kicked the leg of a bench, frustration radiating off him. “We had them.”

No one disagreed but James finally looked up. The room seemed dimmer than usual, like the loss had sucked the brightness straight out of the fluorescent lights. Every player looked hollow and completely exhausted. A loss at home always hit hard, a loss to Ottawa hit harder. Moody’s rant wound down into a low growl of final instructions before he stomped out, leaving the door to slam shut behind him. Silence fell over the locker room. Sirius exhaled sharply and dropped onto the bench beside James and ran a hand through his hair, tying it back in a knot.

“What the hell happened out there?” Sirius muttered.

James stared at the floor between his shoes, the turf pellets were still stuck in the seams. He remembered the moment exactly. The perfect pocket. The open field. The hesitation. Regulus.

“I don’t know,” James said quietly.

Across the room Prewett unclipped the last strap of his pads and let them fall to the floor with a dull thud and Fenwick leaned back against his locker with his eyes closed. It seemed that no one had the energy to argue anymore. So, James rubbed a hand over his face, and allowed the exhaustion to settle into his bones. The season was only four games old and already it felt like he was trying to sprint through waist-deep water. Football was supposed to be the one place where everything made sense and yet tonight even that had slipped through his fingers. Boy he was glad his parents weren’t there tonight to see it. They were in Florida visiting friends. James was sure his dad would call in the morning to discuss what the hell had happened. Compartmentalise, kid. He’d tried to, and he’d managed it for a while. But somewhere far away in Montreal, Regulus still wasn’t answering his phone.

*******

Lily waved delightedly at him from a spot in the corner of the café snuggled between two bookshelves filled with plants. James smiled and raised a hand in a short wave back to her as he sidled through the café, between the swarms of people after morning coffee and cake on the way to their classes.

“Hey darling,” Lily smiled, standing to hug him, balancing on her tiptoes.

James relaxed into her. “Hey Lils.” He felt like he could breathe around her, she got him, and he didn’t feel like he had to play up to anything around her. He could just been unapologetically himself. They sat and James poured over the menu, stomach growling in anticipation.

“Have you heard from Reggie?” she asked, crossing one leg over the other and tucking a long strand of red hair behind her ear.

Immediately, the menu was forgotten. “No.” he sighed. “Something isn’t right. And every time I asked Sirius about him he’s super cagey which makes me think Regulus isn’t even replying to Sirius through Remus anymore.”

“Wait.” Lily frowned. “Does Sirius know about you two?”

“Fuck no.” James laughed and shook his head, a haunted expression on his face. “No.” then he chuckled, imagining the carnage that would cause. “No.” he paused. “Has he texted you?”

She shook her head with a sad smile. “No. I’ve texted a bunch of times, but never got anything back.”

“Something is wrong.” James said adamantly.

“Have you tried calling him?”

“Every day. I leave him a voicemail every single damn day.”

She reached across and took his hand. “Oh sweetie.” She watched him carefully, and James tried to keep his emotions in check. “Perhaps he doesn’t have his phone anymore? What about his friends from college? Have you spoken to them?”

“No,” he said, eyes newly lit. “Don’t you think that’s invasive?”

She shrugged. “I think at this point, its worth a try. How long has it been since you heard from him?”

James inhaled as he thought. “Like three or four weeks? I think the last time was at the beginning of September.”

She sat back in her chair and picked up the menu again. “Can’t hurt. Contact them, see what they say?”

He just nodded, already fearing the answers he didn’t know if he could handle. What if Regulus was just ignoring him because he didn’t love him anymore? Maybe he’d moved on and James was stuck here like some lovesick teenager, worrying about him. Or maybe, and perhaps so much worse, was the possibility that he couldn’t contact James, for some horrific reason.

            They ordered. James tapped his fingers anxiously on the table. Lily made small talk about her classes, caught him up with news of her and Mary. How they were now official. How they were planning a trip over Christmas. James was happy for them, genuinely. He listened intently, but his mind was thinking of ways to find Regulus’ friends on social media, he knew their first names, but Regulus had deleted everything, so he couldn’t even find them through his account.

“How’s football going? Me and Mary went to the game last weekend.”

James huffed. “Yeah well that was a shit show.”

“It’s just one game. You can redeem yourselves, right?”

“We can.” He sighed, leg bouncing again. “I’m just pissed at myself for losing focus.” Their food arrived, but James’ appetite was pretty much extinguished. “There’s just too much shit knocking around in my head.”

“Try and contact Reggie’s friends. They might be able to give you some answers.” Lily said encouragingly as she dug into her breakfast avocado bowl. “Eat Potter. You need it.”

James did as he was told.

*******

Pulling on a pair of boxers with one hand, he typed out a message to Pandora Lovegood, who he prayed was the right Pandora, aka Regulus’ best friend. He’d found her after hours of trawling Instagram profiles linked to McGill University and finally found her after she’d commented on a Queer Spaces post. After requesting to follow her, he couldn’t bear to wait, so sent her a message at the same time.

Hey. This is weird, but are you friends with Regulus Black? I really need to contact him, but he’s not replying. If you have no idea what I’m talking about just ignore this. Thanks.

Then he paced. Endlessly. Eventually pulled on some sweats that sat low on his hips and ventured out of his room, downstairs where he found Sirius and Remus entangled on the sofa, a film playing in the background. Sirius was asleep.

“You good dude?” Remus asked, an eyebrow lifted.

James’ jaw tensed as he glanced at Sirius. “He asleep?”

“Like the dead.” Remus nodded.

James leant back against the countertop, the weight of his phone in his pocket like lead. “You don’t think… they’d do something really bad. Do you? To Regulus?”

Remus inhaled heavily and carded his fingers through Sirius’ hair. “When Sirius was seven, they locked him outside in the snow for four hours because he burped at the dinner table.”

That snippet of information did nothing for James’ curdling concern. He rubbed a hand over his face, fingers pressing into the corners of his eyes.

“I’m going to Montreal.”

“Is that a good idea, Prongs?” Remus said rationally.

James’ shoulders lifted defensively. “What else am I supposed to do? I can’t just sit here and hope he magically appears.”

“And you can’t storm into his house and demand to know where he is.” Remus hissed, trying not to jostle his boyfriend. “You’ll only make things worse.”

James seethed, the muscles in his jaw ticking.

“Let me text him again.” Remus sighed. “Just, don’t do anything stupid. Please.”

“Fine.” James said, pushing away from the counter and strutting back out of the room. Maybe he should fly up to Montreal. All this overly careful tiptoeing around was beginning to piss him off. He needed to know that Regulus was safe, regardless of whether he still wanted to be with him, James had to know he was okay.

            Back in his room he threw himself on the bed and switched on his TV. The Eagles were playing the Bills and they were up by ten. He watched mindlessly. The Eagles’ quarterback was playing hurt, any idiot could tell that by the way he was favouring his right leg, and never running the ball. Regardless, they were up. James watched the play reset for a third down and four. Then his phone pinged.

Hi! Yes, Reg is one of my closest friends. You’re THE James, aren’t you?

So, thank God. He had the right Pandora, thank fuck for that.

THE James.

That made his smile. So, Regulus had told his friends about them after all. Lingering with that thought, he typed with a thundering heart, football forgotten and blaring in the background.

Yeah ha I guess I am. Look, I really need to talk to him, have you seen him today? Is he okay?

Today? Pandora’s first reply came through, and James’ blood ran instantly cold. Of course I haven’t seen him, he’s in France? Surely he told you that? His placement started early.

“France?” James said under his breath in disbelief, already on his feet, heading back for the stairs. This couldn’t be good. Rounding the banister, he skidded into the kitchen. Sirius was nowhere to be seen, but Remus was making coffee. “Moony!” he hissed, looking over his shoulder. “He’s in France.”

“What?” Remus frowned, eyes wide. “You’re sure?”

James nodded. “I texted one of his friends. Apparently, some placement started early? What does that mean?”

“Jesus Fuck.” Remus said and made for his and Sirius’ room, which lay just off the living room. “Stay there.” He said to James over his shoulder. Remus closed the door behind him without another word. Without any fucking explanation. James swore he was going to lose his mind any damn minute. Pacing, he replied to Pandora. Did he say why he was going? Or for how long?

She texted back almost immediately. He’s been there all semester. Never gives me a straight answer about coming home.

James cursed repeatedly, blasphemously, furiously. France. He was in France. He was in France alone. Or. Even worse. He was in France with his parents.

Another message from Pandora came through. He really never told you?

Can you ask him to call me? Please. James wrote, not caring how pathetically desperate he sounded.

Of course. She typed back, with three pink hearts.

            Then Sirius burst out of his room, face wretched in fury and ignoring James, he stormed up the stairs, already on the phone, speaking angrily in French. Yet all James could do was watch and try not to make himself tragically obvious. Remus emerged a few moments later and joined James in the kitchen.

“What the hell is going on Moons?” He asked cautiously.

Remus lowered himself into a chair at the kitchen table. “I don’t know. Whatever it is, it isn’t good.”

Sirius

Remus shifted uncomfortably in the doorway of their bedroom.

Sirius’ stomach dropped. “What?”

“He’s already there.”

“What do you mean he’s already there?” Sirius said.

Remus held up his hands. “Regulus. I texted him to check in. He’s in France. Said his placement started early.”

Sirius stared at him. “Not possible,” he said flatly.

Remus shrugged helplessly. “That’s what he said, Pads.”

Sirius was already grabbing his phone. “I told you,” he muttered, but not to Remus, pacing. “I fucking told you they’d do this.”

The phone rang twice.

Alphard answered. “Sirius.”

“Tu savais ça?” Did you know? Sirius demanded, storming out of their bedroom, heading for the roof terrace and purposefully avoiding meeting James’ eye, who was conveniently in the kitchen. He couldn’t tell him about this, it was embarrassing enough to acknowledge he’d been kicked out by his own parents, let alone that his father was blackmailing his little brother, especially when James had it so damn easy with his perfect fucking life.  

“Know what?” Alphard said with a sigh.

“Regulus is in France.” Sirius said, switching to English when he was out of earshot, climbing out of the window onto the roof terrace, sliding the window closed behind him. there was a fierce bite to the wind but he didn’t care.

“I beg your pardon?” Alphard blanched, clearing his throat. Sirius could hear him rustling through papers.

“You didn’t know then,” Sirius snapped. “Brilliant.”

“When did this happen?”

“Fuck knows. It wouldn’t surprise me if they left the night they kicked me out,” Sirius said loudly. “Apparently he’s started his placement early.” Adding air quotes before lighting a cigarette to take the edge off.

“That makes no sense,” Alphard said.

Sirius barked a laugh. “No shit.” He inhaled deeply, the burn calming his raging nervous system. “I thought you said the contract said he would go to France in January?” Sirius demanded.

“It did,” Alphard replied immediately.

“Then what the hell is he doing there now?”

Another pause, longer this time. “That could constitute a breach of the agreement,” Alphard said slowly.

Sirius exhaled through his nose and frowned. “Fuck me. But wait…surely that’s a good thing?”

Alphard sighed and made a sound of indifference. “Only if he went unwillingly.”

Sirius scoffed, tapping the cigarette on the edge of the roof and taking another drag. “Meaning?”

“If Regulus negotiated a movement of the terms himself,” Alphard continued, “then legally it stands.”

Sirius exploded. “You cannot seriously believe he did this willingly.”

“I don’t know yet,” Alphard said calmly. “We cannot assume.”

“I told you!” Sirius shouted. “I told you they wanted me out of the way so they could manipulate him into anything they wanted!”

“I understand that, Sirius,” Alphard replied evenly. “But at the time there was nothing I could do about that. They kicked you out, remember?”

“That’s your defence?”

“It is simply the truth. A truth we cannot change, but we can act on the information we have now.”

Sirius dragged a hand through his hair.

“Let me try to get him on the phone,” Alphard said. “I imagine he will be alone, it is late in France.”

“What?” Sirius scoffed, inhaling again.

“I’m adding him to this call.”

“Good joke. He hasn’t taken a single call since summer.” Sirius said pessimistically, with a shake of his head, foot tapping anxiously as he sucked more smoke into his lungs.

A few seconds passed. The line clicked.

Then another voice answered, quiet and tired.

“Hello?”

Sirius’ stomach practically fell out of his ass. “Regulus what the fuck are you doing in France?”

“Sirius,” Alphard said sharply. “Lower your voice.”

“No,” Sirius snapped. “He disappears to another country without a word, and I’m supposed to be calm?”

“Lower your voice or I will remove you from the call.”

Sirius clenched his teeth but stayed silent.

“Regulus,” Alphard said. “Where are you?”

“In Lyon,” Regulus said.

“It’s late there,” Alphard said.

“Yes.”

“Forgive me, Regulus, for the late call and the urgency in my tone. But. Why are you there now and not January? As per your father’s agreement.” Alphard asked.

A short pause.

“I agreed to it,” Regulus said.

Sirius stared at the phone. “You what?”

“My studies in Montreal have been suspended for the semester,” Regulus continued evenly. “The internship started early.”

“You agreed to it?” Sirius repeated loudly.

“Yes.”

“Bullshit.”

“Sirius,” Alphard warned.

Regulus continued calmly. “I thought it would be better to begin sooner.”

“Better for who?” Sirius snapped.

“For everyone.”

Sirius laughed harshly. “Right.”

“Please do not worry about me,” Regulus said. “I’m going to try and make this work.”

“Make what work?” Sirius demanded.

“The arrangement.”

Sirius shook his head. “No.” took another drag, painfully deep but he needed to feel something, needed the pain to stop him from launching himself off the roof. “You’re being fucking stupid. Yet again! Why the fuck would you agree to this? You realise this is your life. You’ve sold yourself to his will!”

“Sirius,” Alphard said commandingly, “do not escalate this further.”

“I’ll call again when things settle here,” Regulus added, ignoring them both.

Sirius interrupted. “What did he threaten you with this time?”

Silence on the other end of the line chilled Sirius to the bone. So, there was something. Orion had something else on Regulus, something big. His cigarette hissed between his fingers. The sun set low over the Toronto skyline.

“Sirius,” Alphard warned.

“What did he threaten you with? Tell me, Regulus I swear to God.” Sirius repeated. “Because you don’t just wake up one morning and decide to move to France for the fun of it.”

“Sirius,” Regulus said quietly.

“No,” Sirius said. “You don’t get to do this.”

“I’m handling it,” Regulus replied.

“Handling it?” Sirius barked. “You’re letting him-”

The line clicked.

The call ended.

Sirius stared at the phone in disbelief. Alphard.

“Bastard cut me off.” Sirius mumbled, then swore loudly and climbed back in through the window.

When he got back downstairs, James was lingering in the kitchen and Moony was sat at the table. In frustration, Sirius hurled the phone across the room. It slammed into the wall and dropped to the floor causing both James and Remus to flinch, but neither of them said a word. They knew better than to talk to him when he was radioactive. Sirius just stood there breathing hard, fists clenched at his sides, fighting his emotions, hiding his tears.

“I told you,” he muttered again and crumpled to the floor because he knew now, with gravitational certainty, that he’d probably never see his little brother again.

Chapter Text

Chapter Thirty One

Regulus – October to November

The line went quiet after the click. Regulus held the phone against his ear, staring at the dark window across the room. The lights of Lyon flickered faintly in the glass. He stood and wandered slowly towards them, looking through the glass and down at the inky blackness of the river. Eye drawn to one blinking streetlight which was ebbing from this world with every pitiful flicker, he watched it curiously.

“Regulus?” Alphard said. “I imagine that was unpleasant.”

He sighed and lifted his shoulders to his ears. “I understand. He’s upset. But he was just going to keep on shouting.”

“Yes.”

A short silence followed.

“Regulus,” Alphard said. “Tell me the truth. Did you willingly elect to go to France early?”

Regulus hesitated, “I did not protest.” He admitted. Regardless of the forced tone, it didn’t sound convincing.

“That is not what I asked.”

Regulus retreated from the fading streetlamp and sat down on the edge of the hotel bed. “I agreed to it. Yes.”

“Why?”

Regulus rubbed his hands together slowly and considered how much he should reveal. He knew he could trust his uncle, what he wasn’t so sure on was whether there was anything he could do about it.

“My father made it clear there would be… consequences if I didn’t.”

Alphard’s voice keened curiously. “What kind of consequences?”

Regulus stared at the carpet, a swirling pattern of ugly loops and spirals. Purple and burgundy. Entirely horrid.

“He made it very clear that he had the power to ruin someone.” A pause. “Someone… important, to me.”

“A romantic interest?”

“Yes.”

“Who, if you do not mind me asking?” Alphard broached carefully. “It may be important for me to know their identity, should things develop further.”

Regulus swallowed. “You will not tell my brother?”

Alphard sighed expectantly. “For now. But I cannot guarantee that he won’t find out.”

Regulus worried his bottom lip. This entire thing was getting messier by the day. But he was also acutely aware of the fact that this secret relationship had a bomb attached to it, a bomb whose time was ticking rapidly. He rubbed his fingers over the bridge of his nose and took a deep, unsteady breath. He didn’t really have a choice anymore.

“James Potter.” He confessed, then pressed his lips together hard, foot tapping against the ugly carpet.

Alphard replied in a voice that sounded as if he were smiling. “Sirius’ friend? The one whose family own the lakehouse you bargained for a summer at?”

“Yes.” He said through gritted teeth, scuffing the carpet with his shoe.

A pensive hum. “And suddenly, things begin to make sense.” Alphard said kindly.

Regulus’ mouth went dry because this wasn’t something he’d admitted to anyone outside of his immediate friends. “Please don’t tell Sirius. He’ll flip out.”

“You have my word.” Alphard stumbled over his next words, choosing them carefully. “What did you father say. Exactly.”

Closing his eyes, he replayed the conversation back in September. “He said he would tell the media that James takes performance enhancing drugs, to ruin his career. Sabotage his chances of making the NFL draft.”

Silence befell the line.  

“It isn’t true,” Regulus said hastily, as if needing to clarify that. “He doesn’t. He’s never touched anything like that.”

“I believe you,” Alphard said.

Regulus closed his eyes. “Papa said the allegations would be enough, especially when the media got their hands on it.” Regulus continued, blurting everything out now, the words just came tumbling out of him. “That teams would distance themselves. Sponsors would panic. That his career would collapse before it even started. Papa promised that. He promised that if I did not come to France immediately, that he would detonate James’ life… and I couldn’t let that happen. I won’t. I love him.”

Alphard cleared his throat. “I see.”

“I can’t let that happen,” Regulus said again.

“So you agreed.”

“Yes.”

“To protect him.”

“Yes.”

Another feeble silence. “That complicates matters,” Alphard said.

Regulus gave a small, humourless laugh. “I assumed it would. Nothing about this shit show has been simple.”

“Your father is correct about one thing,” Alphard continued. “Public accusations of doping could destroy a young athlete’s career very quickly. Even if false.”

Regulus swallowed. “They are false.”

“However,” Alphard went on, “the fact that he used that threat to force your compliance is important.”

Regulus frowned slightly. “Important how?”

“It suggests coercion.”

Regulus straightened, picking at a thread on his jumper. “How so?”

“If you were compelled to alter the terms of the contract under threat,” Alphard explained, “then legally the agreement may still be challenged.”

Regulus shook his head immediately, instantly afraid. Compliance was so much safer. Compliance ensured that James would be safe. “No.”

“Regulus.”

“No,” he repeated firmly. “If we challenge him, he’ll retaliate! He won’t hesitate.”

“I understand. And I acknowledge that that is possible.”

“He will ruin James,” Regulus said anxiously. “He meant it and my father’s word is nothing if not gospel.”

“I understand your concern, Regulus but I have a duty of care towards you and your future. I cannot sit idly by whilst you surrender to this.”

“I’m not risking it,” Regulus said adamantly.

“Very well,” Alphard replied matter of factly, which surprised Regulus. He’d expected to have to fight him on this. “We will not risk it.”

“That’s it?”

“For now. This is not I hill I need to die on just yet. There are other avenues we can pursue.”

Regulus stood. “You’re not going to do anything?” Wasn’t what he wanted, for James to be safe, for his uncle to leave Regulus to his fate? Why was he angry, this is literally what he’d asked for? But then, he didn’t want this life he’d signed on to. He wanted his life with James, his summers at the lake, his nights in James’ bed. Conflict ran rampant in his head.

“I said for now.” Alphard reminded him. “I will need time to examine the situation more closely,” he could hear his uncle writing something down. “Your father has likely constructed this arrangement carefully.”

“So we’re just… waiting.”

“Yes.”

Regulus let out a slow breath. “I’m sorry,” he said.

“You have nothing to apologise for.”

“I should have told you sooner.”

“You have told me tonight.”

Regulus paced. “I can’t lose him.” He felt himself starting to spiral.

“Regulus,” Alphard said, pulling him back to the conversation. “Listen to me this is important. While you are there, I want you to pay attention.”

“To what?”

“To everything.”

Regulus frowned and stopped in his tracks. “What do you mean?”

“You are inside your father’s organisation now,” Alphard continued. “That gives you a unique vantage point.”

“You want me to spy on him?”

“I want you to observe.”

Regulus listened. His palms felt suddenly sweaty, his eyes darted about for those bugs he’d forgotten to be scared of. If they even existed.

“You may notice things,” Alphard said. “Financial structures. Contracts. Behaviour that seems irregular.”

“And if I do?”

“Tell me.”

Regulus hesitated. “You think there’s something to find.”

“I think powerful men rarely operate without vulnerabilities.”

Regulus nodded slowly.

“You’re in the lion’s den now,” Alphard added calmly.

Regulus looked toward the dark window again. “Yes,” he said quietly. “I suppose I am.”

            Shortly after their phone call ended, Regulus’ phone rang again. James. Right on time. It was a little after one in the morning in Lyon which would make it eight in the evening in Toronto, exactly when James would have retreated to his room after dinner and picked up the phone, like he had every night since Regulus had disappeared. He watched it ring, looked at the smiling photograph of James in the lake, beaming up at him as his phone buzzed, begged to be answered. Until it stopped. James would be recording his message now, as Regulus was staring at his phone, now still and dark. A few minutes later, he got the notification. One new voicemail. Regulus reached for his phone, unlocked it, and pressed play.

“Baby please pick up the phone. I know you’re in France. I’m… I’m freaking out, Regulus. Are you okay? I love you. Call me back, baby. Please. I just need to know that you’re safe.”

Followed by the dreadedly familiar click of the line going dead.

The colour had drained from Regulus’ face. James knew. If he knew about France, what else did he know about? What had Sirius told him? Maybe not everything? James didn’t mention the contract or anything else, perhaps all he knew was that he was in France? Should he call back? Could he call back? Suddenly on his feet, he was pacing again, to the window, eyes cast to the river, back across the room, picking at the skin at the edges of his nails till they bled. Everything was falling apart. He was losing control of all the separate puzzle pieces he’d placed at the poles in the hope none of them would ever interact, and yet, magnetically, they were being pulled together and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

A buzz. A text.

Pandora.

Reg what the hell is going on? James didn’t know you were on an internship in France? I told him, I’m sorry I didn’t know it was a secret…?

“Fuck.” He breathed, palms sweating.

She sent another message. He seems worried. Call him!

He couldn’t do that.

Are you okay? She sent after a few minutes. I’m beginning to get worried.

Quickly, he replied, before she told Barty and this all got completely out of hand. I’m fine. I swear. I’ll call him.

Pandora: You’re being weird. Did you get abducted by robots and have your brain switched out?

No Dora. He sent. I’m fine, just really busy.

When are you coming home? I miss you.  

Regulus’ fingers hovered anxiously above the screen. I’m not sure. Miss you too.

Within minutes, his phone was ringing.

Barty.

Regulus didn’t pick up.

A few minutes later, a voicemail notification pinged, he listened to it.

Regulus answer the damn phone. I know you’re lying, I’ve known you since we were six years old I know when you’re being evasive. Is it your father? What’s he done, are you hurt? Please fucking hell, please just talk to me or send me a message or something. Dora is freaking out. I’m freaking out. This isn’t like you. Please call me back.

The line clicked. Regulus inhaled slowly and began to type.

I’m alright. Honestly. God he hated lying to Barty, it was nearly as bad as lying to Sirius. I am on an internship. My father is actually being rather civil, which has been nice? I guess? Barty I’m fine. Please don’t worry about me.

He didn’t wait for the response.

            He showered. He put on his pyjamas. Switched on the TV and allowed an old French sitcom to weigh down his eyelids and he burrowed under the covers. But what he did not do, was call James. He just couldn’t do it. Rather than call, he turned off his phone and shut in the bedside drawer. A problem for another day. Avoidance was the only thing threading his sanity together because if he spoke to James he’d crumble, that was a certainty, as certain as the sun and the moon and stars in the damn sky. He had not the strength to hear his voice and not fold. Silence was better, it was easier. He knew he was a coward, but he found it hard to care anymore, he hadn’t much care left for anything nowadays.

*******

Three days passed. Regulus didn’t call James, or Barty or anyone. He went through the motions of his day, lunch with his father, meetings, client calls, meetings, dinner with his father’s friends. New suits. Late nights working. Listening to James’ voicemails.

Regulus was tired. His social battery was running on empty and his stomach on even less.

Which is possibly what led to it. He hadn’t meant to do it. It had been muscle memory, he hadn’t even thought about it. But he’d just changed into his pyjamas and settled under the covers, then his phone rang, and with a preoccupied, exhausted mind, he answered it without thinking, without clocking the time, without looking at the caller ID.

“Holy shit.” James said with an audible smile.

“James.” Regulus said, face red, regret flooding his ears, mind instantly reeling. He’d answered the phone. He’d broken the silence, he’d broken his promise to his father to never speak to James again. The only thing keeping his boyfriend’s career safe, was Regulus’ distance, his radio silence. And now he’d fucked it. But god, it felt good to hear him.

“Oh my god I can’t believe I’m finally hearing your voice. It’s been months, Regulus. Are you okay?” James laughed. “Fuck! God it’s good to hear your voice. Baby I’ve missed you so much.”

Regulus was stunned to silence. What the hell was he supposed to say?

Sorry I have to go, my father might destroy you if I say another word. Sorry I am being held under duress. Sorry I am betrothed to some girl.

In reality, Regulus said nothing, but his mouth opened and closed like a simple minded goldfish, the ones you see in dentist’s offices.

“Baby? You okay?”

All of a sudden it was as if Regulus could hear his own heartbeat. “I’m okay.” He managed to force out, then cleared his throat. “I’ve missed you too.”

What the hell was he doing? Hang up. Hang up. Hang up. His rational mind screamed at him. Yet James was his weakness, and his voice was right there. The pet name. Everything. He didn’t dare hang up.

“What the hell happened? An internship? You never told me about that?”

So, he didn’t know. Relief swept over him like a wave. If James had heard it from Sirius, Regulus would have never forgiven himself. Lying to him all summer, knowing that this was always going to be how it ended. If he were to find out, it needed to come from him. “It… it was a sudden decision.”

Hesitation. “I don’t believe you.”

“James.”

“Tell me the truth. You’ve not spoken to me for like two months Regulus. I didn’t even know if you were alive. I’ve been going out of my mind waiting for you to call me back. I had to find out that you weren’t even in the country from your friends?! I’m your boyfriend and you hid this from me. So now I want to know why.” James said with conviction.

Reticently, he responded. “I just don’t want you to hate me.”

James’ tone softened. “Baby, that isn’t possible. Nothing you could ever do would make me hate you.”

Regulus scoffed weakly and pulled at a thread on his sweats. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Jamie.”

“Regulus I love you.” James said firmly. “Just. Tell me. Please. What the hell is going on?”

“You say you love me. But at what cost?” Regulus pulled the covers up to his neck and felt the first tear drop onto his cheek.

“I don’t care. Any cost. My life. Tell me. Please.”

He closed his eyes, deliberating, then whispered, as if his father could hear him. “Promise you won’t hate me?”

“’course.” James said, but he was beginning to sound apprehensive.

Regulus took a deep breath, fighting himself and wondering where the hell he was going to start this trainwreck of a story. “Last summer.” He swallowed, mulling over his words. “My parents didn’t want me to come back to Muskoka.”

“Okay…” James said, listening intently as if trying not to frighten him away. Regulus could feel the way he was holding his breath.

“My father said that he’d allow me to go back, under a few conditions.” He took another deep breath, but James didn’t say a word. “Firstly, that I’d agree to spend a semester in France, working for him. To familiarise myself with the company. Secondly, to finish my studies with distinction, though that one has sort of become obsolete…” he trailed off, considering that.

After all, he no longer attended McGill, and it seemed his father did not want him to attend even a French university. Did he no longer care about him having a degree? It had been such a pertinent condition of the original contract. Could his father technically have breached his own terms by pulling him? Regulus made a mental note to question his uncle on this when he spoke to him next.

“Reg?”

“Sorry.” He said, back in his body.

This whole thing was too much, this was not how he envisaged telling James about this. In his head he told him retrospectively, when everything was back to normal. When everything was safe again. He took a deep ragged breath. “Thirdly. He said that I had to become acquainted with this girl he has decided that I am to be engaged to. And fourthly, he said-”

“Woah. Rewind. What?” James interrupted. “Engaged, like, to marry?!”

Heart clogging his throat, Regulus pushed out his next words. “Yes. Look. It was after Christmas. I thought you hated me. I thought we were done.”

“You don’t even like girls?” James said accusatorily.

“That’s not the point.”

“Forgive me.” He said sarcastically. “So please, do share the point with me. Because what I heard, is that my boyfriend has agreed to marry some girl in order to please his abusive parents.”

“Stop.” He tried and sat up, looking nervously to the door of his hotel room. He still wasn’t convinced that this room wasn’t bugged. “That’s not- I didn’t…”

“So, you agreed?”

“Not immediately. I set my own terms. I wanted to go Muskoka, I wanted to see you. But I also asked for Sirius’ freedom, and the release of his inheritance.”

“What did your father say to that?”

Regulus could tell he was annoyed, he could hear him stomping around. “He agreed, under the premise that I would never contact Sirius again.” Regulus admitted.

“What?” James yelped. “Why would you agree to that?”

“Because!” He said, shoulders rising defensively. “I don’t know, I was trying to help my brother escape our shitty fucking lives, and I wasn’t really in the best headspace at the time James. You’d ignored me for months. I didn’t really care what happened to me.”

“Yeah after you broke up with me by telling me that our relationship meant nothing to you! Fucking hell, Regulus.”

“I know! Alright? I know.” he sighed frustratedly. "This is all so fucked up. Please, just listen to me. So, I signed the deal, and now I’m holding up my side. Papa released Sirius, and his money. Now I must do my part.”

“And you’re okay with that?”

“I have to be.” Regulus said stiffly.

James scoffed. “What about us?” he asked softly. “If you marry this girl. What does that do to us?”

“I don’t know.” Regulus whispered honestly, more tears coming.

“And that’s why you’ve ignored me for two months.” He sounded hurt. Regulus hated himself for it.

“Partly.”

“Well what else has been stopping you?” James snapped.

He said nothing.

“You didn’t think to mention this in the eight weeks we had together? You just kept it to yourself when I could have been helping you. Not only that, you just fucking lie to me. The whole summer you were technically engaged. Right? Or am I misunderstanding?”

“I’ve never met her, James. It’s not official or anything, it was just one of my father’s conditions.”

“But you still let me fall in love with you. Knowing that you were going to break my heart again when you shacked up with little miss corporate.”

“Jamie.”

“No. That’s it though, isn’t it? You didn’t even have the decency to tell me to my face.”

“I was fucking terrified James!” Regulus snapped back, trying not to raise his voice too much, eyes flicking anxiously to the door. “Or have you not listened to anything I’ve ever told you about my parents? Have you forgotten about the cigarette burns all over my back?”

“Of course not.” Weight shifted across an ocean. “I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t do this to hurt you.”

“We get a lawyer.” James said firmly. “You’re not marrying anyone.”

Regulus could hear him rummaging around. “I’ve got one.” He said feebly. “My uncle. He’s dealing with it but… its complicated.”

James paused, listening again. “Complicated how?”

Regulus worried his bottom lip and tried to start his sentence three times, before the words came out. “There was a development at the end of the summer… My father also threatened you.”

“Me?”

“My parents know… about us. It’s what spurred the move to France. I was meant to go for semester two but… after they found out… well. They brought the departure date forwards.”

“Have they hurt you?” James said, voice trembling with anger.

More tears. “I’m fine, Jamie.”

“Regulus.”

He shook his head, pulling his phone away from his ear briefly while he composed himself. Took a deep breath, again and tried to speak. “He threatened you, James. What was I supposed to do?”

“Let him. I don’t care.”

No. You don’t understand. He’s dangerous.

“No, listen to me. He said he’ll ruin your career. He makes good on his threats, Jamie. Don’t fuck with him. You can’t go up against him.” Regulus said fearfully.

“Let him threaten me.”

“What?” Regulus laughed horrified.

“Let. Him. If I have to lose you to keep my career, then I don’t want it. I’d give up everything for you Regulus. Everything. I need you to understand that baby because I would do literally anything to keep you safe.”

Regulus’ heart was pounding, his chest ached with love for this impossible man. “Jamie don’t be stupid. This is all you’ve ever wanted. To play professionally.”

“Fuck it. Right now, you are all I’ll ever want. Screw football.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Then tell me what to do. Tell me exactly what you need me to do because we’re going to fix this.”

“There’s nothing you can do.” He started to panic, the last thing he needed was his boyfriend trying to do something heroic.

“Should I get on a plane?”

“No!” Regulus almost yelped. “No. Stay in Toronto. Play football. Seeing you win every week will help me more than you know.”

“Reggie.”

“I’m okay.”

James sighed heavily. “I want to believe you, but your track record tells me that you’re trying to protect me from yourself. And you don’t need to. I want to help.” He went quiet for a moment. “Are you eating?” he asked gently.

No. Regulus hadn’t eaten a proper meal in weeks. Food tasted like ash. It repulsed him. “I’m trying.”

James didn’t say anything at first, Regulus could feel the anger seeping through the phone, not with him, but his parents, the situation, everything. He gripped the phone tightly and waited.

“God I’m so close to booking a fucking flight.”

“Don’t. Please. Don’t. I’m okay.”

“No you’re not.” James whispered. “Baby you’re on the other side of the planet and I can’t get there.”

Regulus was too afraid to say how he felt, to tell James how much he needed him, because he knew the man was one word away from packing a bag and Regulus couldn’t risk him turning up here. His father would destroy him. And then God knows what he’d do to Regulus. Especially after he’d sworn he’d never speak to James again.

“I have to go.” He said, retreating inside himself.

“Regulus.” James said quickly. “Don’t disappear on me again. I’ll do as you ask, I’ll stay here, I won’t push, but please. Please baby, please pick up the phone. I can help from here, even if that just means talking like this. We need each other, remember?”

Regulus nodded. “I remember.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“You pick the phone up tomorrow. You hear me?”

“I promise.” Regulus said truthfully, smiling stupidly to himself. “Bye Jamie.”

“Bye baby.”

******

Once they were inside the restaurant, they were directed left, down a soft plush carpeted corridor by a man in a very sleek suit. Regulus followed his father and tried to ignore the ways his hands trembled. Yet another condition of the contract was about to be enacted. A contract than no one seemed any closer to nullifying. Orion stopped outside the private dining room and turned to face him.

“Stand still.”

Regulus stopped and held his breath as he was inspected slowly from head to toe. The suit he wore had been chosen for him that morning. A dark dinner suit, immaculately made to measure, silver cufflinks at his wrists, like restraints. Orion adjusted one of Regulus’ sleeves roughly.

“You will remember why you are here. You will remember the importance of such an introduction.” Orion said harshly, moustache quivering as he spoke, his monocle hanging from a gold chain. “You would do well to remember that I am doing you a favour.”

“Yes, Papa.”

“You will not embarrass me.”

“No, Papa.” Regulus said monotonously.

Orion’s gaze moved over him again. “Shoulders back.”

Regulus straightened. Orion frowned slightly and lifted his cane. The strike to his stomach came quickly. Not hard enough to injure but hard enough to cause Regulus fold forwards as the cane jabbed into him.

“Straight,” Orion said nastily.

Regulus forced himself upright again. “Yes, Papa.”

Orion fixed his hair and looked past Regulus, towards the doors of the dining room. “This is the most important evening of your life.”

Regulus nodded.

“You will be polite. Attentive. Complimentary.”

“Yes, Papa.”

“If you wish for your precious little football player to make it to the NFL, you will not contradict me. You will not argue. You will not display that unpleasant stubbornness you occasionally inherit from your brother.”

Regulus’ stomach twisted and he dug his nails firmly into the palms of his hands. “I understand Papa. I will not disappoint you.”

Orion leaned closer and Regulus discovered that his father’s breath was foul. “The Dubois family are important allies,” he said quietly. “You will treat their daughter with respect.”

“Of course.” The most truthful thing he’d said this evening.

“If you disappoint me tonight, Regulus,” Orion continued calmly, “There will be consequences. For yourself and that boy you seem so disgustingly fond of.”

Regulus held his gaze unwaveringly. “I won’t disappoint you.” He said decisively.

Orion watched him a moment longer, then nodded. “Good.” He turned and clicked his fingers rudely at the doorman, who pushed the dining room doors open and nodded obediently for them to enter. A maître d’ greeted Orion instantly, nodding politely at Regulus.

“Monsieur Black. Monsieur Dubois is waiting.” The man said in French, the accent less challenging to Regulus now that he’d had time to adjust, but he found he still really had to concentrate when people spoke to him, some words still sounded absurd.

“Merci.” Orion said apathetically.

The restaurant was quiet and painfully exclusive, acting more as a private club rather than an open ended restaurant. Booking a table here was simply not possible without having a certain name and a certain influence within Lyon. Regulus followed his father and a waiter between little tables covered in white cloths and glowing under soft, low lighting, reflecting off crystal glasses. Several tables were occupied by well-dressed guests who spoke in soft, controlled voices, nearly all French. Though Regulus clocked a couple of Russian tongues, and one table of British aristocracy.

They were guided across the room towards a man in his fifties who stood up from a table near the back. He was tall with hard features and silver hair. He wore an expensive suit, any idiot could tell that. Luckily, Regulus’ was just as exclusive. At the table sat a young woman who Regulus didn’t have to assume, was the man’s daughter. He tried not to stare at her before they had been formally introduced, and waited instead for the older men to finish their greetings.

“Orion,” the man said warmly, shaking his hand. They grappled for power of the handshake, pulling one another’s hand towards themselves.

“Henri.” Orion said, but his smile didn’t reach his eyes. Regulus watched the exchange. Waiting patiently to be addressed. Henri Dubois’ eyes shifted to him.

“And this must be your son.” He stated in French.

“Yes,” Orion said. “Regulus.”

Regulus stepped forward and bowed politely, one hand behind his back. “Monsieur Dubois. I have been looking forward to this evening.”

“A pleasure,” Henri said.

Then, the young woman at the table stood. She was petite, a silver embroidered dress draped over her elegant frame, crystals catching in the light of a hundred low hanging fittings, casting orange glows like police interrogation rooms on each table. The young woman’s blonde hair had been pinned neatly behind her head, the sides slicked to perfection, her posture perfectly composed. But underneath it, there was something coarse in the way she held her chin, the way her eyes moved over him ever so carefully. As if she were evaluating him. Then she curtsied.

“Regulus Black,” she said coolly. “My name is Apolline Dubois.”

Regulus bowed politely and smiled like the gentleman he’d been raised to become, however much he detested the very idea of it. Unbidden, honey hazel eyes flooded his mind, overpowering him until he shoved them forcefully away.

“Mademoiselle Dubois.” He returned.

Her mouth curved slightly, still assessing him. Orion and Henri sat. Wine appeared almost immediately. Orion gestured to a smaller table nearby and shooed them.

“Perhaps the young people should speak privately.”

Henri nodded. “Yes. That seems appropriate. Off you go. Good girl.” He said to his daughter, waving her away.

Apolline picked up her glass and walked to the smaller table. Every move seemed calculated. She sat and tucked her legs beneath the table, then rested her forearms on the white tablecloth and waited for Regulus to sit opposite her. When he did, she smirked. For a moment neither of them spoke. At the next table, Orion and Henri had already begun discussing business. Regulus watched as Apolline took a slow sip of wine, and set the glass down.

Folding her hands in her lap, she leant back in her chair, the diamonds in her necklace rolling across her collar bone. “My father told me I had to meet you tonight,” she said matter of factly.

Regulus nodded tightly. “My father was of the same inclination.”

She tilted her head slightly and her eyes narrowed. The she leant forwards, a finger circling the base of her wine glass. “I hope you won’t take offence when I say something brash.”

“I shall endeavour not to.” He retorted curiously.

She smiled secretively. “I find this entire arranged marriage business rather archaic.”

Regulus felt the corner of his mouth lift slightly. “That is a sentiment we share.”

Apolline studied him for a moment, then a tight smile appeared in the place where the smirk had been. “Interesting.” She extended her hand across the table. “Call me Polly.”

Regulus looked at the offered hand and shook it. “Reg.”

Her grip was firm. When she let go, she picked up her wine again and sipped, crossing one leg over the other and glancing quickly around the room, eyes lingering on their fathers briefly. “So,” Polly said. “You’re twenty.”

“Yes.” He confirmed. “You are…?”

“Nineteen.”

Regulus nodded once.

“Your father has decided you’re ready to start selecting a wife?”

“Apparently so.” He allowed the sarcasm to ooze out of the edges of his words.

To that, Polly gave a short laugh and dropped her voice seductively but, not flirtatiously. “My father thinks marriage will make me respectable. He believes a man needs to take me down a few pegs.”

“You are not respectable?” Regulus smirked, playing into her hand.

“God no. How ghastly. Not by his standards anyway.”

Regulus struggled to squash his smile. “That makes two of us.”

She leaned forward again, her diamonds swinging. “Be honest. Monsieur Black.” Blue eyes flashed to her father who was engrossed in conversation, and back to Regulus. “Did you volunteer for this?”

“No.” he answered honestly. It was strangely liberating.

“Excellent.”

“Did you?” he asked.

“Absolutely not.” Her eyes never left his.

Regulus took a sip of water and nodded, he rolled the knife over on itself against the tablecloth as he spoke. “Our fathers appear to believe this is a sensible arrangement.”

“They believe many things, darling.” Polly said dryly. “You have to learn when to appease and when to simply ignore. Brutes like that like to pound on their chests.”

Regulus glanced briefly toward the other table, but Orion and Henri were deep in conversation. Laughing quietly. “They seem pleased,” Regulus said.

“Of course they do,” Polly replied. “They think they’re negotiating a merger.”

Regulus chuckled softly. “That’s an accurate description.”

Polly studied him again. “You don’t seem thrilled about it.”

“I’m not.”

“Why not?” she asked brazenly.

Regulus retreated, stoically, evaluating whether he was walking into a trap. “I prefer to make my own decisions.”

Polly nodded approvingly. “Yes. That tends to be unpopular with fathers like ours.” She swirled the wine in her glass before waving over a waiter to replace it. “Too fruity.” She told him. He bowed and departed. She looked back at Regulus. “My father told me you’re very intelligent.”

“How gracious of him.”

She barely let him finish before she spoke again. “He also said you’re obedient.”

Regulus held her gaze, even breathing felt dangerous. “I think that depends on the circumstances.”

But he still noticed the way Polly’s eyes brightened slightly. “Interesting.” She leaned back again. “I feared for a moment that you might have been a good little soldier.”

“I’d like to hope not.” Yet he didn’t believe himself, because what was he doing, if not being a good little soldier? He’d got on the plane, hadn’t he?

“I’ve always been more of an anarchist myself.” Polly confessed breezily, smiling as the waiter arrived with a new glass of wine. “Thank you, poppet.” She said warmly at him, then back to Regulus. “What are you studying?”

“Linguistics.” He said. He didn’t feel like confessing that his father had pulled his studies as punishment for bringing home a boy’s jersey. That felt like a conversation for different circumstances.

“Ambitious.” She cooed sarcastically.

“My father says it is preparation.”

“For what?”

Regulus gestured vaguely toward the room. “This.”

Polly followed the gesture and her expression flattened. “Yes,” she said analytically. “I suspected as much. The Black empire is extensive. As is my father’s.”

“An apt match then.” Regulus purred with a smirk, fingers lingering on the stem of his glass.

“Let us be honest with one another,” she said. “They expect us to marry.”

“I believe so, yes.”

“They expect us to cooperate.” She took another sip. “How very dull.”

“Hmm. What good little soldiers we are.” He narrowed his eyes playfully, warming to her. She reminded him of his friends, of their wit. “In order to inherit a lifetime of meetings and business deals.”

Polly smiled ambitiously as she tapped her finger lightly against the table. “Gosh that sounds perfectly miserable.”

Regulus nodded, his mind suddenly elsewhere, under a hard body, lips on his neck, hands roaming… he pulled himself out of it and nodded, somewhat flustered. Where had that come from?

“It does.” He said curtly.

Polly continued to study him and after a time, she spoke again, in a low voice. Apparently, she was quite the schemer, and Regulus thought Sirius was disobedient!

“Fortunately,” she said, “I have no intention of cooperating.”

Regulus raised an eyebrow and tilted his head to one side. “Really. That surprises me. You seem so strait laced.” He said sarcastically.

She let out a calculated giggle. “Not quietly, anyway.”

Regulus chuckled. “That might be difficult.”

“In not so many words, yes,” Polly said. “But I dislike being told what my life will look like.”

“I fear we are both victim to such notions.”

She pointed at him with her glass. “You see? This is promising already.”

“How so?”

“At least we agree that the situation is ridiculous.” Polly leaned forward slightly. “So let us make a deal.”

Regulus’ interest piqued. “What kind of deal?”

“It is like this. We behave politely,” she said. “We smile. We attend whatever dreadful dinners they arrange.”

“And?”

“And privately we acknowledge that this entire situation is absurd. I’m sure you have… preferable connections you’d rather explore?”

Regulus considered, because yes, he did, and seemingly, so did she. “I am inclined to agree with you. That does sound incredibly reasonable.”

Polly smiled properly this time. “Excellent.” She raised her glass slightly. “I am so glad to have made your acquaintance, Monsieur Black. To surviving our parents.”

Regulus lifted his own. “To survival.”

They clinked glasses, which drew their fathers’ attention. Orion glanced over briefly and observed. Regulus noticed. Polly noticed too and she leaned closer responsively.

“Smile,” she said under her breath.

Regulus did.

“Good,” she murmured. “Let them think this is working.”

He glanced at her. “You’re very strategic.”

Polly smirked. “Darling I’m French. I will knock the polite Canadian out of you, don’t you worry. There is a snake in there somewhere, we just have to teach it to strike.”

Regulus laughed quietly. “In that case, I will follow your lead.”

“Smart boy.” She praised and finished her glass.

*******

After dinner, Regulus and his father returned to their hotel and bid goodnight. Orion remarked that Regulus had done well, and in turn, Regulus acknowledged that Apolline was a lovely young woman and he looked forward to getting to know her better, which wasn’t a lie. He had enjoyed her company, and thought that perhaps they could be good friends. Regardless, if their fathers got their way, they’d have to get on, a marriage built on loathsome company is a death sentence indeed, so at least he knew they’d share some common ground in case all their scheming went to shit.

He showered, and changed into sweats and a loose fitting McGill hoodie. He’d lost the healthy weight he’d gained over the summer, and his clothes were beginning to hang off him once again. What he’d give for a grilled cheese right now. But only one made by James, accompanied by tomato soup and a firm chest to sleep on.

Climbing into bed, he switched on the TV and put Friends on in the background, which was still his favourite comfort show, and by now the script was imprinted in his brain. He pulled his hood up over his hair and nestled down into the covers. Sleeping alone never got any better, regardless of how much space he had, and he regretted every time he’d grumbled at James for following him around the bed like a lost puppy.

Maybe he’d drifted off, because the next thing he knew, his phone was ringing inches from his face. Bleary eyed, Regulus squinted and quickly answered.

“Hi Jamie.” He mumbled, voice thick with sleep.

“Did I wake you?” James asked apologetically.

“You did. But I forgive you.” Regulus smiled, closing his eyes as James’ voice warmed his insides.

“How was your day?” James asked, Regulus could hear him settling in bed too. God did he wish he was there, or that James were here.

“Okay. I met my betrothed. She was actually quite interesting. I think we’d be good friends under different circumstances. We went for dinner at this intimidatingly exclusive private dining room. The wine was good, even though I felt exceptionally under dressed, compared to her anyway.”

James hummed agitatedly. “What’s her name then?”

“Apolline Dubois.” Regulus replied, more awake now. He stretched over and reached for his water bottle, popping up the straw. “She’s actually hilarious. Very witty. I really wasn’t expecting to like her, but she’s crazy intelligent. You’d like her.”

“She seems delightful.” James said dryly.

“What’s wrong with you?” Regulus asked in frustration, then he paused as he realised exactly what James’ problem was. “Wait.” He grinned. “Are you jealous?” and laughed, sitting up and leaning back against the headboard.

James said nothing.

“Jamie, I’m gay.”

“You sure about that?” James grumbled irritably. “Careful, your fiancée might think otherwise if you keep talking so highly of her.”

“You’re an idiot.” Regulus laughed.

“Yes, go on. Insult me whilst you tell me about your date.”

“It wasn’t a date.” He chuckled, twisting the bedsheets idly between his fingers.

“Yeah sure.” James scoffed. “A fancy fucking French dinner with a literal model, probably, drinking expensive wine. I’m so glad you hit it off so well with her. You’ll have so much to talk about when you marry her. Then you can live in your little French chateau with those stupid French dogs and drink all the wine you please.”

Regulus listened to him huff and mutter to himself. On his face he unintentionally painted the soppiest grin, one he’d never let anyone else witness as he listened to his boyfriend grumble jealously.

“Jamie, are you done?” He said softly, a couple of minutes later.

A huff. “I guess.” James said sulkily.

“She was a nice girl. But I am not interested in her. I want you. I love you, Jamie. I need you. Period.”

“You sure about that?”

“Definitively.” Regulus said with a smile. “Now stop sulking and tell me about practice.”

James did, he told him about the endless drills, the ice baths they had to take, the strict diets they were adhering to, the hours of playbook revisions and tape they had to watch back from previous games. Regulus just listened intently, not because he had any interest in football, but because James’ voice was safety. It was home.

“God, I wish I was in your bed, listening to you talk about things I don’t understand.” Regulus sighed, tipping his head back against the padded headboard.

“Shall I get on a plane? I can be there in fourteen hours. My French isn’t good but I can butcher the pronunciation of back off well enough.”

“No Jamie. Shut up.” He grinned into his hand, biting down hard on his bottom lip. “And no, you can’t put a hit out on Polly. She’s not that bad. I actually think you’d like her if you gave her a chance.”

“Oh, on a first name basis now, are you?” James snipped snarkily.

“James.” He said softly. “I’m yours. You know that, right?”

“Yes. But, you feel so far away.”

“I’m right here.” Regulus whispered, as genuinely as he could.

James sighed. “No, you’re not. I can’t kiss you. I can’t hold you. It’s fucking killing me.”

Regulus didn’t know what to say to that. They couldn’t do this forever, that was certain. Eventually, he’d have to weasel his way out of this contract, or lose James forever, and both seemed impossible feats right now.

“Has your uncle made any progress?”

Defensively, Regulus shrugged. “Not that I know of. This can’t be fixed overnight James.”

“I know that. But surely there’s something you can do? What if you just left? Told him to fuck the contract and came home?”

Shocked, Regulus rolled his eyes. “Have you any idea how stupid that idea is? If I walk out now, your career is over.”

“And I’ve already told you I don’t care. I just want you here. With me. Safe. Fuck everything and everyone.” James said, voice rising, emphasising each word.

“See and this is why I didn’t tell you.” Regulus began to withdraw. “I knew you’d just try and play hero.”

“Play hero?” James scoffed, clearly offended. “I’m sorry I didn’t realise that caring about my boyfriend’s wellbeing and future was playing hero.” He said sarcastically.

Regulus tightened his lips and said nothing.

“I’m going out of my mind worrying about you Regulus.” a brief pause. “Lying awake all night trying to think of ways to get you out of this mess. Considering jeopardising my own career so that your father has nothing to hold over your head, just to get you home. And then you turn around and accuse me of playing fucking hero?”

Regulus felt a cold chill travel down his back. He’d fucked this up. Again. “James.”

“No Regulus. When will you start to understand that I love you. I will move fucking mountains for you. So let me.”

“I can’t. I won’t put you in the firing line.” He admitted softly. “You need to be patient. My uncle will come through but it might take time. I’m fine. My father seems pleased with me. France isn’t so bad. Just.” He took a deep breath. “Just wait for me.”

James exhaled defeatedly. “Regulus, I’d wait an eternity for you.”

“I love you, Jamie.”

“I love you too, baby.”

“I don’t want to fight with you. Not when you’re so far away.”

“Me neither. I’m sorry, I’m just fucking stressed about the whole thing.” James admitted.

“Stay on the phone with me until I fall asleep?” Regulus asked, he didn’t care how pathetic he sounded, he needed this.

“Of course.”

********

“Regulus.” Orion said, calling him in as Regulus passed his office on his way back to his own. “Come in.”

He obeyed, stopping before his desk and clasping his hands behind his back. “Yes Papa.”

“I have been informed of your progress.” He said, revealing nothing in his expression. Regulus waited quietly, hoping for good news. “I am told you are competent. That you are taking things in your stride.”

Relief swamped him. “Thank you, Papa.”

“I believe this was the best possible decision for you.” Orion said, self-assuredly. “You are focussed, and driven now that the distractions you faced have been eradicated. The poor influence of your good for nothing brother out of your peripheral. You mother will be pleased.”

“I agree Papa. I am enjoying my time here.” He lied effortlessly, as Polly had said, they had to please their commanding fathers in order to be granted increasing increments of freedom. Until the door was open just wide enough to bolt.

“You will do well in the company. You can go now.” Orion shooed him away and Regulus backed out of the office with a courteous nod. That interaction had been the closest thing to praise he’d ever received from his father. Perhaps, it was something he could use to his advantage?

*******

“Pour me another darling, will you?” Polly said, shaking her empty tumbler at him as he crossed the room, bringing the decanter with him.

They were sat in his hotel room, at the elegant table and chairs beside the window in the small living room just off the bedroom. Polly wore a short flapper style dress, beaded and shimmering in the low lamps at either side of the room, a silver pashmina shawl wrapped around her shoulders. Regulus’ bowtie hung undone around his neck, the top two buttons of his shirt unfastened. They were barefoot, uncomfortable shoes shed after an evening of making nice at yet another business gala.

Between them lay a game of gin rummy and an ash tray. Regulus’ cigarette lay burning out in one of the grooves, Polly’s was caught in the corner of her mouth, smoking absently. It had been two weeks since their introduction and to say they were now inseparable wouldn’t be far off a fair statement. November crept in, as did the cold, and these two doomed heirs spent the dark evenings sat discussing matters of business and their shitty hands, though not always those in decks of cards.

Regulus lifted the cigarette and inhaled deeply. It wasn’t a habit he had ever intended to pick up, but he was in France after all. He poured them both another glass of whiskey.

“More ice?” he asked.

“No,” she purred, studying her cards.  

Sifting through his own hand, he examined the cards on the table and waited for Polly to play.

She discarded a five without looking up. “You’re thinking too loudly,” she said.

Regulus frowned, bristling. “I didn’t say anything.”

“You didn’t need to.”

He flicked ash into the tray and returned the cigarette to his lips. “And what exactly does that mean?”

“It means that I can read exactly what is in your hand just by studying the look on your face. You do not, my darling, have a very neutral expression.”

“I’m concentrating.”

“No,” Polly said lightly. “You’re planning to buffer the end of that run with an eight of clubs and a queen.”

Regulus raised an eyebrow. “You do not know that.”

“Alright.” She leaned forward, picking up the card he’d discarded a moment ago with a seductively knowing eye roll. “If I am wrong, then play your cards Black.”

“Respectfully.” He smirked, only slightly mortified, as he discarded his eight of clubs. “Fuck you.”

“You cannot win by being so obvious,” she continued, taking a sip of her whiskey. “Strategy games are not about big, dramatic moves. You play too predictably.”

“I do not.”

“You do,” she said, placing the card neatly into her set.

Regulus narrowed his eyes. “You’re bluffing.”

“Am I?” Polly laid her cards down calmly.

Gin.

Regulus stared at the table. “Christ,” he muttered.

Polly smirked, reaching for her whiskey again with a modest shrug, her shawl slipping off one slender shoulder. “You see?”

“I hate you. Vehemently.”

“Oh please. You would be going stir crazy without me.” She laughed lightly, like wind through the trees.

He leaned back in his chair, throwing his cards down, useless, another losing hand. “How so?”

She tapped one of the cards lightly. “You spent the last five turns waiting for the perfect play,” she said. “Meanwhile I was rearranging the table.”

“You cheated.”

“I observed.” She corrected.

Regulus studied her.

“You can be rebellious without causing a scene, Reg.” she said simply.

He frowned. “I feel like that negates the definition of rebellious.”

“You don’t have to flip the table to prove a point, to change the narrative,” she explained breezily, but her tone remained as calculated as ever. “You just move the pieces until the game stops working for the other player.”

Regulus glanced at the cards again. “That’s not rebellion,” he said.

“It absolutely is.” She leaned back in her chair, crossing one leg over the other and took a long drag, then tapped the end into the ash tray, holding the smoke in her lungs before exhaling. “Our fathers expect us to be obedient,” she said. “So we let them think we are.”

“And then?”

“And then we quietly do what we like.”

Regulus picked up his glass slowly and swirled the liquid pensively. “That sounds risky.”

“Yet nowhere near as risky as shouting at them.”

He couldn’t argue with that and Polly watched him carefully. “You’re very good at following rules,” she said.

“I’ve had consecutive years of practice.”

“Yes,” she said softly. “I imagine you have.”

Regulus looked down at the table again, the eight of clubs stared back at him, everything banked on that one card. He’d been so busy building his game around it, he’d lost sight of Polly’s hand.

“But steadfastly following the rules,” Polly added, tapping the winning cards, “doesn’t mean you can’t change the outcome.”

“That’s… surprisingly useful advice.”

“Of course it is,” she said smugly. “I’m brilliant. Had you not noticed?”

He huffed a quiet laugh and nodded. The conversation drifted. Regulus closed the balcony doors as the evening began to bite into a frosty snap. They played another few rounds. The whiskey disappeared slowly. The cards became less organised as the evening stretched on. Eventually Polly dropped her hand onto the table.

“I’m bored.”

Regulus pushed his cards aside. “Of losing?” he teased after his third win.

“Of pretending to care.” She reached for the decanter and discovered it was empty. “Tragic.”

Regulus stubbed his cigarette out and for a few minutes neither of them spoke. Then Polly rested her chin on her hand, elbows on the table and smiled mischievously yet with a splash of sadness. “I have a secret,” she said.

Regulus glanced at her, lighting another cigarette. “That sounds ominous.”

“It is.” She studied his face carefully. “I have a boyfriend.”

Regulus squashed his lips together and nodded slowly. “Well,” he said with a smirk. “That complicates things, darling. I thought we had something special.”

“Quite. I’ve left you for him.” she said wittily, with a wry smile. “His name is François Delacour.”

“How very European.”

Polly kicked him lightly under the table. “Don’t mock.”

“I’m not mocking,” he said. “It’s just extremely French.”

She ignored him. “We’ve been together for three years.”

“And your father doesn’t know?”

“Oh, he knows François exists,” she said. “He just thinks he’s a temporary mistake.”

“And he’s not?”

Polly’s expression softened slightly. “No. He is not.”

Regulus leaned back and simply waited for her to unleash her secrets. “What’s wrong with him?”

Polly snorted. “Nothing is wrong with him. At least not to me. To my father though. Well, that is another story.”

“He does not approve?”

“François isn’t from the right kind of family,” she said simply. “He is what my father would call a commoner.”

“Ah.” He said dryly. “Yes,” a hum of comparative experience. “I know that one.” Regulus went quiet. His fingers moved to his collar bone, to the place James’ teeth so often found purchase.

She studied him for a moment and smiled knowingly. “You’re thinking about someone.”

Regulus looked away. “No.”

“Reg.”

He rolled his eyes defensively. “Yes. Fine.”

Polly folded her arms on the table, interest piqued. “Well?”

He hesitated. It surprised him how easy it felt to sit there with her. Two weeks ago she had been a stranger. Now the silence between them didn’t feel dangerous.

“His name is James,” he said finally.

Polly ran her tongue over her teeth and nodded. “Ah. There’s the rub.”

Regulus rubbed his thumb against the rim of his glass. “My father no surprise, does not approve.” He hesitated. She watched him. Then he said quietly, “He threatened him.”

Polly’s expression shifted. “How?”

“He said he’d tell the media that James takes performance enhancing drugs. He’s an athlete.”

Her eyes widened slightly. “But he doesn’t?”

“Of course he doesn’t.” Regulus snapped.

“And your father knows that?”

“Yes.”

Polly leaned back slowly. “That’s… vile.”

“That’s papa.” Regulus gave a small shrug. “It would ruin his career,” he said. “Regardless of whether it were true.”

Polly studied him. “So that’s why you’re here. Really.”

Regulus nodded. “Yes.”

She reached across the table and nudged the discarded cards with one finger. “Well,” she said.

“Well what?”

“We already established something tonight.”

Regulus looked at her.

“You don’t flip the table,” she said calmly. “You change the game.”

He frowned slightly. “And how exactly do we do that?”

Polly smiled connivingly. “By making our parents think they’re winning.”

“And meanwhile?”

Polly raised an eyebrow. “Meanwhile,” she said, “we get exactly what we want.”

Chapter Text

Chapter Thirty Two

Sirius – October to November

Sirius slumped on the bench, helmet between his knees, foot tapping angrily on the turf. A medic held a wrapped ice pack to his cheek bone which was split and trickling blood down his face. He could also taste blood, and wiping the back of his hand across his mouth, found it came away red. Practically vibrating, he wanted desperately to get back on the field, but he’d been benched for the remainder of the game, for fighting. Let’s be honest, this time it was probably going to be a suspension, at least a couple of games for sure.

Sirius watched James catch the snap, back up quickly and throw cleanly to Prewett who caught it with the tips of his fingers, pulled it to his body and ran into the endzone for the touchdown. The crowd erupted. And yet, Sirius barely flinched. The medic tilted Sirius’ head and he resisted the urge to smack the hands away. The last thing he needed was to be fussed over.

The opposition came off the field. James took a water and thanked the guy in a Blues polo who was handing them out. Then he approached. Here we fucking go. Sirius thought confrontationally.

“The fuck are you playing at Padfoot?” James asked abrasively, crouching down in front of him. The medic quickly retreated, Sirius’ left eye was swelling into a perfect egg.

“That guy was trying to take you off the field.” Sirius shrugged. “God forbid I defend you. Punish me then. Just take me out back and shoot me.”

“Oh pipe down Pads.” James stood and squirted water through the grate on his helmet into his mouth. “You’re being reckless. You can’t fight people on the damn field. This isn’t a hockey rink.”

“Watch me.” Sirius kicked at the turf and spat out a ball of blood and saliva between his feet.

“You’re going to ruin your entire career if you carry on like this.”

Sirius’ eyes snapped up then. “My brother is missing Prongs. In case you hadn’t fucking noticed. Oh, wait, that would involve you thinking about anything else but football for five damn minutes.”

James’ expression darkened. “You think I don’t care? He’s my-” James cut himself off. “He’s, my… friend. And you’re my best friend. So yes. Of course I care about him.”

Sirius stood up and spat once more, the blood just kept coming. He held his helmet in one hand, but he was so close to dropping it, chucking it to the ground, so close to signalling to everyone in this fucking stadium that he was done.

“Don’t you dare.” James said quietly, observing him knowingly.

“Or what?” Sirius shrugged. “There is nothing for me here. I’ve fucked my chances with the NFL, everyone thinks I’m a bloody hot head. My brother is on another continent with our abusive father suffering god knows what and I’m what? Supposed to smile and play football and pretend like everything is fine?”

Sirius launched his helmet into the ground hard, then turned on his heels and stormed back down the tunnel, the sound of the coaches yelling his name faded with the roars of the crowd as the opposition got their stupid touchdown.

            In the locker room he angrily unbuckled his pads and launched them into his kit bag, shoes kicked off, jersey discarded in a pile on the bench. Then he pulled off his underarmour, slick with sweat, cursing when he caught his split cheekbone on the fabric.

Sat in his shorts, he inhaled deeply and tipped his head back against the blue T on the back of his bench, his name above it. Sirius closed his eyes and tried to calm himself down, fists clenched and the need to punch something until he collapsed pulsing under his skin.

A little while later, he was disturbed.

“Care to tell me what all that was about?” said the only voice that had ever managed to ground him.

“It seems that I’m not gonna be able to buy you that house Moons.” Sirius admitted, eyes still closed. He listened to his boyfriend cross the locker room, his stick tapping against the rubber floor.

Remus eased himself onto the bench beside him. “Sirius.”

“What?” he mumbled, not daring to look at him and see the disappointment on his face.

“I don’t give a fuck about that house.” Remus said quietly. Then he reached forwards and took Sirius’ chin between his fingers, turning his head to face him.

Sirius opened his eyes and met those earnest brown ones.

“I give all my fucks about you. About your mental health, which right now, is plummeting.”

Sirius tried to turn away, but Remus held him tightly. He encircled Remus’ wrist with his own fingers, grounding himself with the feel of Remus’ pulse under his skin.

“What do you need?” Remus asked.

Sirius drew in a breath. “I need to get Regulus home.”

“We will, Pads. Alphard is working on it. Okay?” Remus pulled their faces together into a gentle kiss. “Now.” He said, raising an eyebrow and smirking sarcastically. “I know this will be exceptionally difficult for you, but you need to get your ass back out there and apologise to your coaches.”

Sirius groaned pathetically, like a toddler. “Moony,” he whined. “I have a severe allergy to apologies.”

“Nope.” Remus stood and rifled through Sirius’ bag, handing him a fresh underarmour. “Suck it up buttercup. Get dressed and stop whinging.”

Reluctantly, Sirius did as he was told, pulling his kit back on as Remus watched him.

When he was dressed, Remus closed the space between them and took Sirius’ jaw in his hand, his fingers pressing under the hard line of it.

“Now. No more fucking fighting people. Got it? We’re good, okay? We’ll get him home. But you’ve got a house to buy us. Yeah? Otherwise, we’ll have to move in my mother and no one wants to live all the way up there.”

Sirius smirked and kissed him. “Bossy.” He said, rolling his eyes.

“Go. Moron.”

“Love you.”

“Love you, you bloody short fuse.” Then Remus pushed him back, towards the tunnel and Sirius backed away, smiling before ducking his head and walking back through it where his comeuppance would surely be waiting for him.

********

Sirius paced the length of his bedroom, phone already pressed to his ear before the call had even properly connected. “Alphard.”

“Sirius,” his uncle replied evenly.

“Any update?”

The line sounded static and Sirius squinted as if that would aid his hearing. Then his uncle said, “I don’t have one.”

Sirius scowled. “What do you mean you don’t have one?”

“I mean,” Alphard said calmly, “that I am still working on it.”

“It’s been weeks.”

“Yes.”

“And you’ve got nothing?”

“I didn’t say that,” Alphard replied. “I said I don’t have an update for you yet.”

Sirius dragged a hand through his hair. “That’s the same thing.”

“It isn’t.”

“It feels like it,” Sirius snapped.

Alphard exhaled slowly. “These things take time.”

“Time?” Sirius scoffed. “He’s in another country being held under duress having to get fucking married or some shit to a random woman my father has plucked out of fucking thin air?! We don’t have time.”

“I am aware of all of those things Sirius.”

“He’s there being manipulated, coerced, and god knows what else, and you’re telling me to wait?”

“Yes.”

Sirius let out a harsh laugh. “You’re unbelievable.”

“Sirius,” Alphard said, voice tightening slightly, “if I move too quickly, I risk losing any leverage we have.”

“So we just sit here and do nothing?”

“That is not what is happening.”

“It looks like it from here.”

“I am building a case,” Alphard said. “Carefully. Thoroughly. If I act without sufficient grounds, your father will dismantle the entire case in minutes.”

Sirius clenched his jaw. “Then find the grounds faster.”

“That is not how the law works.”

“Well it should be,” Sirius shot back.

“Sirius.”

“What?” he snapped, stomping up and down, the grip on his phone like a vice.

“Be patient.”

Sirius laughed again, unkindly. “You’ve met me, right?”

“Yes, unfortunately I am aware of your character. Which is why I am providing you with a reminder to calm down, and be a little patient.” Alphard said dryly.

Sirius turned away, staring at the wall. “He’s stuck there,” he said, quieter now. “And I’m just… here.”

“I know.”

“I told you this would happen,” Sirius muttered. “I told you they’d get him alone and twist everything.”

“I know,” Alphard repeated.

Sirius pressed his fingers to his temples. “Just keep going, finding this shit out.”

“I will contact you when I have something concrete.” Alphard reassured him but Sirius didn’t respond. “Sirius.”

“What?” he barked.

“Do not do anything impulsive.”

Sirius let out a hollow breath. “No promises there. I seem to be hot head of the year according to every fucker and his dog.”

“We will speak soon.” The line went dead.

Sirius lowered the phone slowly but the room felt too small and painfully quiet. “Be patient,” he muttered as his hand tightened into a fist. Before he could stop himself, he drove his fist straight into the wall. The crack of plaster was loud and pain shot up his arm instantly. “Fuck!” Sirius hissed, staggering back, clutching his hand.

A jagged hole stared back at him as dust drifted down onto the carpet but he just stood there, breathing hard and assessing the damage. “…Shit.” He flexed his fingers. It hurt, yet he did not believe that it was broken. Probably. From down the hall, a door creaked.

Remus.

Sirius closed his eyes briefly. “Brilliant,” he muttered under his breath. He was definitely going to be pissed.

*******

Regulus - November

They were sat on Polly’s balcony. Thankfully she had her own apartment, seemingly her father wasn’t quite as strict as his own, and allowed her a few small freedoms. Her own place, being one of them. The city stretched out below them, lights scattered across the river, the night air sharp enough to sting. Polly flicked ash over the railing and glanced at him.

“You’re doing it again.”

Regulus didn’t look up from his cards. “Doing what?”

“Hesitating.”

“I’m playing the damn game, Polly.”

“No,” she said, leaning back in her chair. “You’re waiting for the game to play out, you’re hoping it’ll just fall in step with the way you wish it to without you having to make the moves to set it on such a course. You are a passive cards player.”

He sulked and leafed through his hand. “Not everything is a metaphor, darling.”

“It is when it comes to you.” She quipped playfully and took another drag of her cigarette.

Regulus’ was smoking in the ash tray, burning itself out. He placed a card down a little harder than necessary. “I’m not waiting for shit to happen. I’m literally playing the game.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Really.”

“Yes.”

“Then what’s your grand plan?”